The Terrible Catsafterme

SEASON 1 – CBS

• 001. Pilot – 9/21/1998
  • Doug Heffernan (Kevin James) is an overweight IPS driver living in small house in Queens, New York with his wife Carrie (Leah Remini). Carrie surprises Doug by having his big screen TV delivered early to complete his man-den in the basement, so Doug invites his friends Deacon Palmer (Victor Williams), Spencer “Spence” Olchin (Patton Oswalt), and Richard “Richie” Ianucchi (Larry Romano) over to see it. Life couldn’t be better for the Heffernans, until Carrie’s stepmother dies. At the funeral wake, Carrie agrees to let her sister Sara (Lisa Rieffel) stay with them. Her father Arthur Spooner (Jerry Stiller) refuses to live in a retirement home, but then accidentally burns down his house. He too is then taken in by the Heffernans. Both Sara and Arthur start to drive them crazy, as Sara distracts Doug by taking a shower while he is in the bathroom, and Arthur hires a pair of prostitutes. Despite the inconveniences, Doug is willing to give up his basement paradise and move the giant TV into his small bedroom, and continue life with Carrie with the two new additions. 5/12/13
• 002. Fat City – 9/28/1998
  • While unwillingly looking through Arthur’s photo albums, Doug sees a picture of Carrie’s mother taken shortly before she died. He had seen photos of her from earlier days looking thin and attractive, but in this one she had ballooned to look larger than Doug. Arthur says that the women in her family all start out thin and then get fat. Doug is concerned enough to bring this up to Carrie, despite Deacon’s warnings. Carrie starts on a diet while still serving Doug heaping portions of food. Doug feels terrible and starts his own diet, but this still puts Carrie into a self-wallowing funk. Eventually Doug is able to get her out of it by putting on her late mother’s dress and saying that Carrie will always be smaller than he is no matter how big she gets. 5/12/13
• 003. Cello, Goodbye – 10/5/1998
  • Carrie has been working late and missing the co-ed softball games she plays with Doug. As his friends prod him, he starts to get suspicious of Carrie’s boss Evan (Albie Seznick). A visit to Carrie’s work proves that Evan is not hitting on her, but Doug still is upset that Carrie’s job and tastes are turning too upscale for him. In order to prove that he can be part of her new world, he attends a cello recital with her, but is bored out of his mind. In the end, he apologizes for his behavior and Carrie lets him know that no matter where her career takes her, she will always love him. She also lets it slip that even though she enjoyed the recital, it was far too long for her tastes as well. 5/18/13
• 004. Richie’s Song – 10/12/1998
  • With Doug and Carrie constantly turning down Richie’s offers to get together with him and his wife Marie (Michele Maika), but often hanging out with Deacon and his wife, Richie starts to question Doug as to why. Doug finally convinces Carrie to have them over for dinner, but Carrie can’t stand Marie. The reason: she knows he’s been cheating on Richie. Doug is then faced with the task of telling Richie, which he avoids in any way possible, especially since they have an upcoming trip planned to Atlantic City. He eventually tells him while they are there gambling, and Richie ends up separating from her. Meanwhile, Arthur gets in a dispute with a deodorant company because he believes that Doug has returned it for a refund. Doug has actually thrown it in the trash. 5/14/13
• 005. Paternal Affairs – 10/19/1998
  • Doug’s aunt Sheila (Brenda Vaccaro) shows up to Doug and Carrie’s anniversary party and tells Doug that she and his uncle have separated. Arthur, in the midst of confronting another guest about taking too many deviled eggs, meets Sheila and they instantly fall for each other. Doug is aghast, but Carrie convinces Doug to allow them to ‘date’. The dating turns into constant sex, which makes Doug even further disgusted. When Arthur decides to propose to Sheila, Doug visits her to try and stop it, but finds that she is getting ready for an affair with the guy who took the deviled egg. Doug can’t stop Arthur from making his marriage proposal, but is there to comfort him after he walks in on Sheila and the new man. Meanwhile, Spence’s crush on Sara becomes full throttle and after taking nothing but pictures of her at the anniversary party, he is asked to take photos of her for her acting resume. 5/18/13
• 006. Head First – 10/26/1998
  • With Arthur feeling lonely, Doug takes pit on him and takes him out while Carrie and Sara are at a bachelorette party. Doug soon regrets it, as Arthur picks a fight with a guy in a bar who then chases Doug hom in his car. Once Carrie comes home a little bit tipsy, she thanks Doug profusely in the bedroom. Doug thinks that Carrie will continue to show this ‘appreciation’, so he invites Arthur along on numerous activities. With Arthur driving Doug and his friends crazy, he is forced to admit the reason why he had invited Arthur. This isn’t so easy to explain to Arthur though, so he has no choice but to invite him once again to his poker game with friend. NOTE: This is the last appearance of Carrie’s sister Sara, whose character disappears without explanation. 5/14/13
• 007. The Rock – 11/2/1998
  • While Carrie is having her engagement ring cleaned, she finds out that it is worth much more than Doug had paid for it. When the offer from the jeweler gets up to $13,000, they decide to sell it and buy a satellite dish and a hot tub. The new purchases seem to bring them bad karma when Doug gets bored with the dish, Arthur skinny dips in the hot tub, and Doug and Carrie develop an extreme rash from the chlorine. When the replacement ring comes in, Doug tries to ‘re-live’ the proposal at a Jets game, but everything seems to go wrong. They end up deciding that they could ‘improvise’ how the engagement went down and add some funny elements to the story that never happened. Arthur is unamused. 5/19/13
• 008. Educating Doug – 11/9/1998
  • When neither Doug nor Carrie know the meaning of the word ‘specious’ during a meeting with their insurance man, Carrie decides that she and Doug need to read more books and take some night classes to keep their minds active. Doug reluctantly agrees, and Spence joins the class, while Arthur takes a class to become a notary. Doug tries hard to read Jane Eyre, but can’t get through the first page. He pretends to be reading while his mind wanders, so when it comes time to return to class, he bullies Spence into giving him the answers to his book essay questions. In class, Doug attempts to sound intelligent, but Carrie finds out that Doug has stolen Spence’s answers. She agrees that they can keep their minds active by working the Jumble in the newspaper. 5/20/13
• 009. Road Rayge – 11/16/1998
  • Doug recognizes sports writer Ray Barone (Ray Romano) at the license bureau, and feeds him some answers on his driver’s test. When he gets caught, Doug gets his drivers license suspended for a week, much to Carrie’s chagrin. Ray tries to make it up to Doug by taking him to a Jets game and letting him drive his car on the way home – but when Ray’s brother Robert (Brad Garrett) gets jealous that Ray is letting him drive his car, he reveals himself as a police officer and arrests Doug. His license gets suspended for yet another week. Carrie gets even madder and forbids Doug to see Ray, but when Ray offers to drive Doug to his driving test, Doug goes along. He does in fact get his license back, but as he starts to drive away, he is rear-ended by Ray’s father Frank (Peter Boyle). NOTE: This episode is a crossover with sitcom Everybody Loves Raymond. 5/20/13
• 010. Supermarket Story – 11/23/1998
  • Doug, Carrie, and Arthur visit the local grocery store to get frozen meals for Thanksgiving – but then Arthur talk her into preparing a full-fledged meal. Carrie, having no idea how to cook, stalks a woman (Cristine Rose) whom she had cut off in the parking lot to watch what’s she’s buying. But when Arthur gets a date with the lady handing out samples, they go back to frozen dinners. Meanwhile Doug runs into a guy (Dana Gould) who claims to know him. Doug spends the trip trying to figure out who he is and inadvertently starting an argument with him. Donny Osmond has a cameo as himself.  5/24/13
• 011. Noel Cowards – 12/14/1998
  • Doug and Carrie decide they’d like to purchase a new car, but their efforts to play ‘good cop/bad cap’ with the car dealer prove to be completely fruitless. Doug, in a bad mood because of the car, chastises Arthur for putting the peanut butter in the refrigerator, and demands some respect since Arthur is living under his roof. Arthur then purchases a small car known as a Douchenberger, manufactured in Luxembourg. They hate the car because it has no power and the steering wheel is on the right side. The try to abandon it in a place where it will be stolen, but at the last minute feel bad for Arthur. They end up giving the car to Richie and give Arthur a watch with an inscription. Arthur doesn’t like the watch and tries to dump it at the same place where they had tried to ditch the car. 6/8/13
• 012. Fixer Upper – 12/21/1998
  • When Carrie and Doug spot Spence alone at the movies, Carrie decides to have a picnic to set up Spence with her co-worker Jenny (Constance Zimmer), despite Doug’s protests. It doesn’t go well initially when Spence has a severe allergic reaction to peanuts, but as he lies ill on the couch, Jenny starts to fall for him. The two begin to date, but when Doug and his friends coax Spence into pushing for sex, he immediately turns her off when he invites her to spend an evening in Doug’s garage. She storms out and breaks it off with him. It takes Doug’s intervention to get them back together again. 5/21/13
• 013. Best Man – 1/11/1999
  • Doug, Carrie, Arthur, Deacon, and Kelly (Merrin Dungey) are heading to the wedding of Carrie’s friend Todd (James Castle Stevens). Among the issues are the fact that Doug’s suit no longer fits him so Deacon has to sew it, Arthur is upset that he has chosen the fish dinner and tries desperately to change his order to steak, and most importantly, Doug finds out that Carrie slept with Todd before they met. Doug’s anger gets worse and worse as the wedding progresses until finally Carrie makes it known publically what she had done, to the surprise of the wedding-goers. Carrie then tells Doug that she didn’t want to risk chasing Doug away when they first met – and that sleeping with Todd had been completely lame (not realizing that while she is telling Doug this, her microphone is still on and all of the guests are hearing the conversation. Ex-Monkee Peter Tork appears as the wedding singer. 6/10/13
• 014. Dog Days – 1/18/1999
  • New neighbors Tim (Bryan Cranston) and Dorothy (Dee Dee Rescher) Sacksky move in next door to the Heffernans. The only problem is that they have a dog that barks all night and keeps Doug and Carrie awake. Carrie wants to berate the neighbors, but Doug chooses a more tactful way to let them know they are being disturbed. The neighbors apologize and promise to keep the dog quiet, but the next night it is barking again. When Doug confronts them again, Tim breaks down in a self-pitying rant and Doug ends up walking the dog for him each night. When Carrie finds out, she lashes out at Tim and Dorothy, but again it just causes a rift between the neighbors. In the end, the Heffernans wind up keeping the dog. Meanwhile, Arthur thinks that the character of Charlie Brown from Peanuts is bases on him. 6/8/13
• 015. Crappy Birthday – 2/1/1999
  • Carrie is lamenting the fact that she is turning 30, so Doug uses that to coax her into calling off her birthday plans so that he can watch a pay-per-view wrestling match. He then feels bad about it and slaps together the birthday dinner that he had supposedly already planned. He gets Deacon and Kelly to come along and bring Deacon’s mother whom they had just picked up at the airport. Even though they are sitting outside in the snow at the restaurant, Carrie manages to have a good time by getting drunk. After their friends leave, Carrie has a minor meltdown, and Doug admits that it is him who has the problem, as he had lied to her about having a birthday dinner planned for her. 5/24/13
• 016. S’Ain’t Valentine’s – 2/8/1999
  • Doug has big plans for Carrie for Valentine’s Day, but insists that first he visit with Spence for a beer since its his birthday. When he, Deacon, and Richie arrive at Spence’s house to pick him up, they find that his mother Veronica (Grace Zabriskie) is in the midst of throwing him a surprise party and forces them to stay. When Spence gets home he immediately gets in a fight with his mother and storms out, leaving his friends behind to fend off the now-drunk mother. Richie and Deacon eventually sneak out, leaving Doug behind, and Carrie at the restaurant where she takes pity on an obnoxious man claiming to be named Tito (Shaun Weiss) who has been stood up. Arthur meanwhile is at an elderly dance and pretends to be married to fend off women’s advances, likewise a lady named Mary (Anne Meara) that he meets does the same thing. The become attracted to one another, but the thrill wears off once they find that they’re both single. 6/19/13
• 017. Court Date – 2/15/1999
  • Carrie gets a speeding ticket, and since it is her fourth, it means that their insurance rates will skyrocket. The officer Jeffrey (Daniel Roebuck) calls to ask out Carrie, and since Doug wants to avoid the insurance hike, he tells Carrie to go on the date. Carrie tells the officer that she doesn’t have a ‘boyfriend’ so he asks her out again. She begin to feel guilty but Doug insists that she drag out the charade until after the court date, as Arthur sweats the fact that Carrie is seeing another man. Eventually she comes clean and tells the officer that she’s married. He is hurt and shows up to court with a vengeance, and Carrie is found guilty of the violation. 6/17/13
• 018. White Collar – 2/22/1999
  • When Doug’s shift supervisor winds up in the hospital, Doug is given the temporary job of replacing him. As the supervisor’s condition becomes worse, Doug’s boss O’Boyle gives him the job full time. Deacon is jealous and feels that he did not get the job because he is black. Doug couldn’t care less about the job and finds it difficult to stay busy. Doug wants to give the job to Deacon and just return to being a drive, but Deacon is being stubborn and Carrie wants him to keep the job. Arthur treats Doug as if he is an oppressive boss and a natural enemy. Eventually the job is turned over to Deacon. 6/17/13
• 019. Rayny Day – 3/1/1999
  • Doug is spending the day with Richie when Ray calls and invites Doug to golf with him at his exclusive club. Carrie reminds Doug that he had promised to spend the day with Richie, but Doug abandons him anyway with the promise that they’ll meet back up at 4:00. Arthur talks his way into going along and feels free to buy things frivilously on Ray’s credit card. When it starts to Rain, Doug insists that they play anyway in order that he can meet up with Richie. He rushes them through the game, but is late anyway. Richie shows up later and apologizes for being late, not realizing that Doug too had been late. While the boys had been playing golf, Ray’s mother Marie (Doris Roberts) spends the day at Carrie, who cons her into doing her cleaning.  6/19/13
• 020. Train Wreck – 3/15/1999
  • Doug is assigned an extremely attractive female trainee named Julie (Julie Benz) and worries that Carrie will be jealous if she finds out. He tries to tell her, but is unable to. When Carrie, who is remodeling their bathroom, shows up at Doug’s work to ask him a decorating question and finds out about the trainee, Doug is enraged to find that Carrie is not worried because Doug is a ‘nice guy’. He asks the trainee to call him late at night to make Carrie jealous, but Carrie sleeps through the phone call and Julie ends up asking for another trainer because Doug is acting so irrationally. She also asks for Richie’s phone number. Arthur meanwhile is concerned about the headstone that he pre-purchased because it indicates that he will die before the 21st century. 6/23/13 
• 021. Hungry Man – 4/5/1999
  • Carrie is invited to a cocktail party to woo a potential client named Mr. Fugita (Robert Ito), and Carries wants Doug to come along. Doug has to work a double shift and declines, but then feels bad and rushes through work in order to make it, skipping his lunch in the process. When Doug arrives at the party, he is famished – but there is no food to be found in the house. After eating some rotten raw eggs, Doug then gets nauseous, and nearly vomits in front of everyone at the party. Carrie forgives Doug because he has tried so hard to do something nice for her. Back at home, Arthur and Spence have been daydreaming about manufacturing a new style of backpack and manage to run the business into the ground before they even get started with the venture. 6/9/13
• 022. Time Share – 4/26/1999
  • The Heffernan’s freaky neighbors Tim and Dorothy  ask to see them and tell them that they are going to be separating – and offer them their time share in the Hamptons. Doug wants nothing to do with it, but Carrie insists that they stay in their good graces until they can use the beach house. Promising the the keys and the parking pass, each of them use that as an excuse to spend time with Doug and Carrie. When Tim pretends to have an affair, Carrie encourages Richie to be nice to Dorothy, but they end up having an affair. Tim is enraged but doesn’t know that Richie is the culprit. The couple eventually decides to reconcile and take back their time share weekend at the beach house. Meanwhile Arthur demands answers from an ointment company after his rash worsens, only to find out that he has been using window caulk. 6/22/13
• 023. Where’s Poppa? – 5/3/1999
  • Doug and Carrie desperately need to spend some time alone and try to find someone to keep Arthur for the weekend. After Richie refuses, Doug looks up his cousin Danny (Gary Valentine), who desperately wants to spend time with Doug. Gary gives Arthur a job in his pizza parlor. Doug spends the weekend walking around naked and eating pizza, getting too full to spend a romantic evening with Carrie. Danny stops by to interrupt their second night together, and when Doug spills the beans that it was him who gave Danny his nickname “Stumpy”, Danny storms out and fires Arthur. He returns on Sunday morning as Doug is about to make love with Carrie in the kitchen. 6/23/13
• 024. Art House – 5/10/1999
  • Arthur asks Doug to help him bring home a purchased armoier using Doug’s IPS truck. Doug refuses but happens upon Arthur holding up traffic as he and his friend Mickey (Ford Rainey) try to move it themselves. He ends up moving it in his truck, but nearly loses his job and is bawled out by his boss in the process. When Arthur complains about a scratch on the armoire, Doug blows his stack and tells Arthur to leave. Arthur moves into a high-rise apartment in Manhattan and throws a housewarming party. Doug is happy for him and moves his man-cave back into the basement. Then Arthur shows up and tells Doug that he can’t afford his apartment and needs to move back. This throws Doug into another tirade, prompting Arthur to slink out of the house. Doug feels bad, catches up with him, and invites him back to live. 6/22/13
• 025. Maybe Baby – 5/17/1999
  • Doug and Carrie spend an evening with Deacon and Kelly, and Kelly announces that she is pregnant. Doug, who is great with their son Kirby (Philip Bolden), brings up the prospect of having a baby with Carrie. She has always refused in the past, but when it appears her job is going nowhere when her co-worker John (Troy Blendell) gets a job she wanted, she decides to have a baby. Then they both start to have doubts when it appears that she may receive a promotion after-all and Doug finds out from Deacon that having a child isn’t always easy. As they get ready to conceive, their doubts come to light – but ultimately they decide to move forward with having a baby… in a year or so. 6/22/13

SEASON 2

Theme song: “Baby All My Life I Will Be Driving Home to You” composed by Jonathan Wolff and Scott Clausen, lyrics by Josh Goldsmith and Cathy Yuspa, and perfromed by Billy Vera and The Beaters

• 026. Queasy Rider – 9/20/1999
  • Richie’s new motorcycle prompts Doug to want one of his own, but it is Carrie’s embarrassing way of rejecting him that pushes him to go out and buys one from Richie’s contact Dirk (Don Harvey) without Carrie knowing. Despite her objections to it, Doug refuses to budge and spends ample time driving around town, only to repeatedly crash and get laughed at. In addition, Carrie takes up smoking to prove a point. Doug ends up selling it, and telling Carrie that he did that for her. She feels bad and buys it back for him, so Doug has to come clean and tell her that he hates it. 6/25/13
• 027. Female Problems – 9/27/1999
  • When Doug goes off to a Mets game with his friends, he feels bad that Carrie doesn’t have any friends to hang out with, so he arranges for her to meet a neighborh Jessica (Myndi Krist), who has just moved in down the street. Soon Carrie and Jessica become inseparable and Doug starts to complain. He volunteers to go shopping with her, but is of little help in deciding which dress Carrie wants to buy – so she calls in Jessica to ‘happen’ to stop by the dress shop and help her make her choice. She tries to make it up to him by living out his fantasy of making love in the back of his delivery truck. Meanwhile, Arthur gets a job at a pretzel shop. 6/25/13
• 028. Assualted Nuts – 10/4/1999
  • Carrie wants to take out a loan to create an office in their spare room. She needs Doug to come to the bank to sign a loan, but Doug tells her that he will be too busy at work to leave. While fooling around with a staple gun at work, he accidentally staples his shorts to his testicles. Deacon takes him to the hospital, but he is unable to get in to see the doctor before he has to get to the bank. When he shows up, he is in so much pain that he can’t focus on the meeting and starts hallucinating things that the loan officer (Jeanine Jackson) is saying. Carrie eventually finds out what is wrong with him and insists on getting him to the hospital. 6/26/13
• 029. Parent Trapped – 10/11/1999
  • Deacon and Kelly have a new baby named Major, and while Doug and Carrie are visiting, they ask the Heffernans to become the baby’s god-parents. Doug agrees right away, but Carrie is reluctant and eventually talks Doug into telling the Palmers that they can’t do it. At the christening, Doug and Carrie meet the new chosen god-parents and find them utterly unworthy – so in the middle of the ceremony they convince the Palmers to switch back to them. Meanwhile, Arthur is put in charge of the pretzel shop and starts a new pretzel giveaway that the customer’s take advantage of. 6/26/13
• 030. Tube Stakes – 10/18/1999
  • Doug blows off Carrie when she asks him to pick up her father’s medicine in favor of watching a game on TV with his friends. When she returns, she leaves the large garage door open and the TV is stolen. Doug berates Carrie so badly that she feels bad and buys him a new TV. He tries to thank her by typing a message on her laptop, but accidentally breaks it. He asks Arthur to take the blame for it, which he clumsily does. Carrie assumes that Arthur did it on purpose because she broke one of his records as a child. 6/27/13
• 031. Doug Out – 10/25/1999
  • Doug gives Arthur a ride home from work and gets stuck in traffic, during which Arthur babbles on incessantly and nearly drives Doug crazy. Doug tells Carrie about the incident and refers to Arthur as a ‘demented old circus monkey’. Unsure of whether Arthur has overheard him, he tries to smooth things over. He also re-enacts the conversation with Carrie and Arthur catches her doing an impression of him. Upset with both of them, Arthur gives them the silent treatment. Doug takes him to a Mets game (of which Spence and Richie have been fighting over the extra ticket) and gets arrested when he tries to run onto the field to retrieve a ball for Arthur. 6/27/13
• 032. Get Away – 11/1/1999
  • Doug & Carrie and Deacon & Kelly head upstate for a bed and breakfast getaway with a heavy theme of apples. Deacon lets it slip that he plays Marvin Gaye’s “Let’s Get It On” everytime he and Kelly make love. Doug and Carrie start to question their own relationship as they continuously hear the song starting in Deacon’s room. Carrie tries to spice things up by dressing as a braided ‘apple queen’ – but Doug is more interested in getting Deacon to cease the lovemaking. Deacon tries his best, but only ends up getting Kelly mad at him. 6/27/13
• 033. Dire Strayts – 11/8/1999
  • Doug is stuck in the roof of the bedroom closet and Ray is has pulled a muscle in his back and is stretched out in Doug’s bed when the episode opens. In flashback, we are shown that Ray and Doug scheme to be able to watch a baseball game on Saturday – which is supposed to be date night with their wives. The Barones visit the Heffernans for dinner that night and the plan is to have the wives get involved with each other’s company and forget about the men, who can then watch the game. Things go sour when Doug tells Carrie to ‘tone it down’ a bit when he meets Ray’s wife Debra (Patricia Heaton). Doug then lets it slip that Ray told Doug that Debra was a ‘tight-ass’. Doug gets stuck in the ceiling while trying to adjust the antenna for the game and Richie and his firemen friends have to cut him out. While Doug waits, stuck in the ceiling, Carrie makes up with him before he is eventually cut out. Jason Packham appears as Eric. 6/26/13
• 034. I, Candy – 11/15/1999
  • When a waitress named Jill (Idalis DeLeon) flirts with Doug and asks Deacon about his situation, it goes to Doug’s head and he begins to act and dress differently. When Carrie finds out about it, she goes in to see the waitress and is surprised how attractive she is, but still tells Doug that she trusts him because he is a ‘nice guy’. This enrages Doug, who then goes back to the restaurant to flirt some more – only to find that the waitress now barely acknowledges him. 6/27/13
• 035. Roamin’ Holiday – 11/22/1999
  • Doug suffers through a dinner with Carrie’s friend Susie (Melissa Samuels) and her extremely boring husband Mike (Ben Bode). When Carrie tells Doug that she wants to invite them to stay over for Thanksgiving, Doug hatches a scheme to talk Spence into moving out from his mother’s apartment and staying with Doug and Carrie. When he tries to stall Spece from looking for an apartment, both he and Carrie become suspicious. In order to cover, he tells Carrie that Spence misses him Mom too much to get a new place, and he tells Spence that Carrie has a drinking problem and his presence is helping their marriage. Eventually Spence and Carrie compare stories and Carrie realizes the real reason for Spence being there. In the end, Susie and Mike stay with them for the holidays, much to Doug’s displeasure. 6/27/13
• 036. Sparing Carrie – 11/29/1999
  • Carrie is on the bowling team with Doug and his friends, but she is clearly the weak link in the game. No one seems to mind much until Bruce (Robert Klein), the new manager at Coopers, threatens to pull his sponsorship unless they can come up with a winning team. Doug tries to take Carrie to practice, but she doesn’t take it seriously. When he tells her the situation, she volunteers to quit. Doug plays the next game but does terrible because he feels guilty about Carrie being forced off the team. He tells Bruce, and then Carrie, that he’s going to have to quit – but Carrie is so moved by this that she insists that he stay on the tream. 7/2/13
• 037. Net Prophets – 12/13/1999
  • Doug gets a hefty Christmas bonus from work, and Carrie talks him into investing it into stock. At first the stock starts to gain, but when it drops, Doug panics and forces Carrie to sell it. When it goes back up, Doug feels sick about it and talks her into re-investing. All week he watches it fluctuate, his mood reflecting the way the stock is trending. As it bottoms out, they decide to sell it, then decide to keep it and invest even more. Arthur meanwhile is trying to compete with the neighbors to have the best Christmas decorations. 7/2/13
• 038. Party Favor – 1/10/2000
  • Danny asks to visit Doug and Carrie so that he can announce that he is getting married to a girl named Camaro (Marie Del Prete), and lets it slip to Carrie that he has no best man. Carrie volunteers Doug, much to Doug’s ire – but after a guilt trip, Doug agrees to do it. He arranges a bachelor party at Cooper’s, but none of Danny’s friends show up. The stripper (Marta Dubois) he hires has a broken leg, which adds to the lameness of the party. Eventually Danny storms out realizing that he must really be a loser. In flash forward to the wedding, Doug is also giving the toast – which naturally falls flat as well. 7/15/13
• 039. Block Buster – 1/17/2000
  • Doug hosts a reunion of his old high school football team, excited that a reporter is covering the event and he will get credit for a game-winning block in one of their big games. His former teammate Tom Busterman (Pat Finn) is now in a wheelchair, so when Coach Prudente (Mookie Barker) gives Tom the credit for Doug’s block – and Tom takes it – Doug struggles on whether to blow the whistle and take credit. He locates the videotape of the game and nearly goes insane when it is Tom’s jersey that is worn by the player that makes the tackle. Spence, who has been abused once again by a pair of the football players, reminds Doug that he had given him and Tom the wrong jerseys for that game. However, he is too distraught about being abandoned at the liquor store by the bully players that he isn’t able to make that point clear with the others. 7/4/13
• 040. Frozen Pop – 1/24/2000
  • During a cold spell, Carrie insists that Arthur move form the basement into her office to keep from freezing. Arthur makes the move, but Doug feels that Arthur is too close for them to have privacy. Arthur naturally is noisy and encroaches on Doug’s personal space. When it warms up, they hope he will voluntarily move back downstairs, but he doesn’t take the hint. When they ask him to go back to the basement, his feelings are hurt, but he storms off back to his downstairs room. When the cold returns, Arthur stubbornly refuses to move back upstairs as long as Doug and Carrie are in the next room. They end up sleeping in the basement to appease him temporarily, and when it warms up again, he moves back down – relishing the memories of his days in Carrie’s office. 7/4/13
• 041. Fair Game – 2/7/2000
  • During a game night at Deacon & Kelly’s house, Doug spots Carrie cheating with the hourglass timer – which causes them to lose the game. Doug is distraught about seeing Carrie cheating, and tries to coax her into admitting it. Eventually he confronts her and she does admit to cheating. At the next game night, she confesses this to Deacon and Kelly as well – but then Doug sees her cheat once again. Doug finally realizes the source of the abnormal behavior, when, through flashback, Arthur tells Doug how he mentally tortured Carrie whenever she lost a game. Sandra Taylor plays Richie’s date Donna. 7/20/13
• 042. Meet By-Product – 2/14/2000
  • As Doug and Carrie are disagreeing while in the shower what ‘their song’ is, we learn through flashback how Doug met Carrie. Doug is working as a bouncer in a nightclub when his friend and roommate Richie comes out of the club with two women: Carrie and Lynn (Kara Zediker). Doug leaves his post to go back to their apartment to meet the girls. After haphazardly cleaning up the place, the girls show up. Carrie is actually Richie’s date, but she had nothing but contempt for him. Doug is trying to score with Lynn, but eventually she hooks up with Richie, leaving Doug and Carrie to argue with each other in the living room. When the neighbor’s dog escapes the apartment (after Richie ‘borrowed’ him to corroborate a lie he told to Carrie), Doug and Carrie go in search of the dog. They continue to fight and eventually Carrie jumps out of the car. Despite his instincts, Doug goes back to pick up Carrie and convince her to let him drive her home. 7/21/13
• 043. The Shmenkmens – 2/21/2000
  • Doug and Carrie get along swimmingly with a new couple Marc and Abby Shropshire (which Doug pronounces as “Shmenkmen”) (Sean O’Bryan and Elissa Taylor), the wife of which works with Carrie. In an effort to maneuver a night out with the Shmenkmens without alienating Deacon & Kelly, they end up inviting both couples over for a Sunday brunch. Deacon & Kelly get along well with the Shmenkmans, who decide that they want to have a baby as well. The two couples end up meeting up for dinner at a place that Carrie recommended, leaving out Doug & Carrie. When Doug & Carrie show up to have dinner there on their own, the other couples awkwardly invite them to join them. Doug blurts out that he and Carrie have decided to have a baby as well. On the way home, they realize that they have lost the Shmenkmens to the Palmers and that since they really won’t be having a baby, the plan was fruitless. They try to make friends with a couple that they assist on the side of the road. 7/21/13
• 044. Surprise Artie – 2/21/2000
  • Carrie wants to have a surprise party to celebrate Arthur’s 75th birthday. Doug is hesitant but agrees to occupy Arthur while she prepares. When Arthur insists on illegally sharing a buffet with Doug at a restaurant, Doug berates Arthur and causes him to leave. Doug arrives home without Arthur, where Carrie is mediating a fight between two of Arthur’s friends Carl (Orson Bean) and Irv (Harold Gould), who thinks that Carl had an affair with his wife. They end up realizing that it was actually Arthur who had the affair with her. This prompts them and everyone else to leave, and Doug is too involved in a football game on TV to stop them. Carrie is able to find Arthur and get him to come home, promising him a surprise party – but by the time they get home, everyone is gone. Carrie avoids letting Arthur come into the house, as the sun begins to set. 7/23/13
• 045. Wild Cards – 2/28/2000
  • During an IPS delivery to Philadelphia, Doug and Deacon decide to stop off in Atlantic City to gamble. Doug has to lie to Carrie because he had promised to take her to the theatre to see Annie Get Your Gun. Likewise, Deacon has to lie to Kelly so she doesn’t mention it to Carrie. Carrie brings Arthur to the show, and they end up next to Carrie’s boss, with whom Arthur tries to refrain from a confrontation over the armrest. Doug has Deacon hold $200 aside so that he doesn’t spend it, and winds up on a major losing streak and goes back to the room. Deacon then uses Doug’s money and wins $1700. Doug gets angry and Deacon, and prompts Deacon to call Kelly and tell him the truth. He tries to confess to Carrie, but can’t get the words out in time before Kelly calls her. Deacon gives Doug his money back, but Doug continues to lose. 7/23/13
• 046. Big Dougie – 4/17/2000
  • Inspired by Deacon, Doug decides to become a Big Brother to a young boy named Jason (Brendon Ryan Barrett). Since Jason is so quiet and unassuming, Doug takes a dislike to him and is immediately bored. When Doug finally finds out that Jason is interested in running a 10K race, Doug enters them, and despite efforts to prepare, can’t even make it to the finish line. Carrie meanwhile has accidentally told her boss Doug Pruzan (Alex Skuby) that she loves him on the phone, since this is her natural follow-up to saying “Goodbye Doug.” Eventually she tells him that it was a mistake – after he has already broken up with his girlfiend. 7/25/13
• 047. Soft Touch – 5/1/2000
  • Against their better judgement, Doug and Carrie accept a dinner invitation from Tim and Dorothy. Tim suckers Doug into a pyramid scheme to sell water filters much to Carrie’s chagrin. Doug tries to sell the license to be an authorized vendor to Spence, Richie, and Danny – but only Arthur buys into the scheme. Arthur then attempts to sell the scheme to Mickey. 7/26/13
• 048. Restaurant Row – 5/8/2000
  • Doug finds a new great Italian restaurant and hopes that it  can become his and Carrie’s ‘place.’ When they visit, Carrie has a rift with the waiter when her food isn’t exactly as she ordered. Doug tries to smooth things over, but Carrie bars him from returning to the restaurant. Carrie realizes the error of ways when she sees that she is acting just like her father. She is ready to allow Doug to return and even shows up to the restaurant to apologize. While there, she finds that Doug has been sneaking and going there anyway, which puts Doug right back in the doghouse. 7/26/13
• 049. Flower Power – 5/1/2000
  • Carrie mistakenly thinks that Doug sent flowers to her at work, and when she finds out that they were actually a co-worker’s flowers, Carrie is embarrassed and begins taking it out on Doug when she comes home, yelling at Doug in front of his friends. Trying to solve the problem, Doug goes overboard in sending her flowers, candy, and balloons, and taking her out for a spontaneous evening and trying to win her a stuffed animal. Carrie recants and tells Doug that she wants the ‘old Doug’ back. Meanwhile, Arthur has jury duty, and after spending hours in the jury, is dismissed as the alternate. 8/10/13
• 050. Whine Country – 5/22/2000
  • It’s vacation time for the Heffernans, but Doug and Carrie can’t agree on where to spend it. Carrie wants to go to Paris, but Doug sees himself reliving two weeks of childhood laziness in an R.V. A coin flip works in Doug’s favor, but Carrie decides to invite Arthur to dissuade Doug from the R.V. trip. Doug in turn invites Spence along. Eventually they realize what they have done and try to talk Arthur and Spence out of the trip. Another coin flip deems that Arthur and Spence get to take the R.V. while Doug and Carrie spend their vacation at home. Tyler Hendrickson plays young Doug. 8/10/13

SEASON 3

• 051. Do Rico – 10/2/2000
  • Doug’s impersonation of his co-worker Rico (Angelo Pagan) turns Carrie on, and in order to get in the mood for sex, she begins to request that Doug ‘do Rico’. Eventually this starts to worry and then enrage Doug, who feels that this is akin to cheating. Doug begins to feel even more inferior when Carrie meets the real Rico and can’t keep her eyes off him. Carrie resolves this by doing an impersonation of Rico’s girlfriend Francesca (Marie Caldere), which seems to get Doug back in the mood. Meanwhile, Arthur attempt so find a protegee and records anecdotes from his life story. Since no one seems interested, he keeps trying to tell stories to the Indian Food delivery boy Sanjib (Ali Afshar). 8/6/13
• 052. Roast Chicken – 10/9/2000
  • Carrie convinces Doug that he should the dinner dedicated to his boss Les Fisker to celebrate his 20 years with IPS. She also insists that he give Mr. Fisker a card with a funny quip that she wrote. Fisker enjoys the card so much that he asks Doug to roast him at the dinner. Doug tries in vain to ditch the assignment, but goes ahead with the roast which is a rousing success…until Doug mentions Fisker’s bladder problems not knowing that he has had his prostate removed due to cancer. Doug winds up on the night shift. 8/16/13
• 053. Fatty McButterpants – 10/16/2000
  • Doug is extremely distraught to find out that Carrie is buying his clothes at a Big & Tall Man’s store, so decides to lose weight. To make him feel better, Carrie lets Doug choose something that he’d like to see her improve and he chooses the fact that she wears too much makeup. Arthur meanwhile is concerned by robberies and brings home a mannequin for protection. When Carrie’s new makeup yields great results, Doug make up more problems for Carrie to fix: her accent, her laugh, and her forehead. Even more frustrated at the gym, Doug comes home and attacks the mannequin and then confesses to Carrie that there isn’t anything wrong with her and that it just make him feel better if she was suffering too. 8/16/13
• 054. Class Struggle – 10/23/2000
  • When Carrie starts to inferior to her lawyer friends, she decides to go back to college. Doug is initially upset that it is taking so much of her time, until his sister Stephanie (Ricki Lake), who just move back into town, convinces him that he is being selfish. Carrie meanwhile has trouble grasping her studies and wants to quit. Doug, now trying support her, drags her off to the library to write her paper on Plato. She gets it submitted in the nick of time and gets a passing score. Doug pays tribute to her at Cooper’s by dedicating some acoustic songs that he wrote while Carrie was busy. 8/16/13
• 055. Strike One – 10/30/2000
  • When Doug’s car stalls at Quickie Burger and it leads to a fight with the drive-thru attendant (voice of Fred Stoller), Doug gets fed up with his car and sells it to Spence and busy a new one, much to Carrie’s chagrin. This is made even worse by the fact that IPS is going on strike. Doug tries to do things around the house to save money while Carrie works overtime, but he only succeeds in ripping out the tile in the bathroom shower. Carrie becomes even more enraged when she finds that Doug is barbecuing and playing Frisbee on the picket line. Doug appeases Carrie by taking the opportunity to grab dollar bills in the wind tunnel at the car dealership courtesy the dealer (James Michael Connor). Spence regrets his purchase when the old car breaks down for him. 8/23/13
• 056. Strike Too – 11/6/2000
  • Doug is feeling emasculated as IPS enters their second week on strike. After he bothers Carrie at work, he heads to the school where Stephanie is a gym teacher and she suggests that he apply for a substitute teaching position. He somehow gets hired, but cannot get control of the class, eventually getting fired by the principal (Al Pugliese) for trying to suspend a student. Carrie comforts Doug and he admits his feelings of inadequacy.  Larry Newman is a teacher. 8/23/13
• 057. Strike Out – 11/13/2000
  • As Doug and Deacon enter their third week on strike, they are feeling so depressed it difficult to even get out of bed. Kelly and Carrie think that if they get them together, along with Arthur, collectively they might get motivated to do something. Sparked by gambling over Major’s See ‘n Say, the three of them set out creating mischief and roaming the neighborhood as hooligans. Just as they are beginning to enjoy this, they are notified that the strike is over and they are to return to work. Arthur confesses how much he enjoyed bonding with Doug, and Doug promises that they’ll continue to have fun together. 8/24/13
• 058. Dark Meet – 11/20/2000
  • The Heffernans are hosting Thankgiving for the Palmers and Spence, and have a disagreement on who said “I love you” first on their first Thanksgiving together. Through flashback, it is revealed that Arthur and his wife Lily (Florence Henderson) hosted the holiday, but then get into a wicked fight causing Carrie to leave. Doug is then forced into dinner with the two crazy parents. When Carrie returns, she and Doug have a fight in which he says “I was going to tell you I love you, dumbass.” Carrie realizes what he said and then she actually says “I love you” first. Arthur makes a prediction that the two of them will be living in his house within five years. Marshaun Daniel takes over the role of Kirby. 8/24/13
• 059. Twisted Sitters – 11/27/2000
  • When Kelly’s great aunt dies, Doug and Carrie volunteer to babysit Kirby and Major while the Palmers go to Chicago for the funeral. At first Carrie is nervous and feels like Kelly ‘hesitated’ when the Heffernans put forth their offer, but soon she is handling the kids like a pro. However, while sleeping in Deacon and Kelly’s bed, Doug and Carrie are mortified when the think that Kirby has seen them having sex. They try to get out of him whether or not he actually did, but are cut short in their questioning when Deacon and Kelly come back early. The Palmers then take them out for dinner in appreciation, but soon Kirby is drawing the Heffernans on the menu…doing what they were doing the night before. 8/25/13
• 060. Work Related – 12/4/2000
  • Doug and Deacon engage in a war of competition and practical jokes, including Deacon putting a sign on Doug’s back and Doug putting Deacon’s phone number in a sex magazine. They also end up in a competition to be one of the models in the IPS calender. Due to some cheating by Doug, he is selected to be Mr. April, posing in a leather vest with a parasol. It turns out to be a practical joke on Doug, which causes him to get in a fight with the photographer Spero (Dom Irrera) and end up with a bloody nose. Turns out the fight was also staged as a retaliation against Deacon, and it turns out that Doug knew that the modeling gig was a joke all along. Deacon doesn’t care though, because he still has ridiculous photos of Doug. Meanwhile Carrie takes Arthur to work with her and he ends up getting a job offer – which Carrie attempts to keep secret at first. When Arthur accepts, she gets so annoyed by her father that she lets him have it in front of everyone, prompting him to quit and say that he got fired.  7/31/13
• 061. Better Camera – 12/11/2000
  • Doug and Deacon go Christmas shopping and each gets their wives a camera, Doug’s being twice as expensive as Deacon’s. Doug gives it to Carrie early and she loves it…until she gets a better one that was give to all of the secretaries from her boss. At the work party, Carrie hurts Doug’s feelings by using the better “Scamp” camera. Doug tells her to return the camera and use the new one, and then buys Carrie a different present: an ugly Christmas sweater, making her unsure as to whether Doug is ‘acting out’ with the crummy gift. Carrie gives the camera to Kelly, so Deacon look foolish as well. The day is saved by Lou Ferrigno (as himself), who has just moved in next door. When he apologizes for snapping at Arthur, who is trying to get him to read his script Reconsidering Sandy, Doug and the gang decide to  put their annoyances aside for the sake of Christmas . 7/31/13
• 062. Wedding Presence – 1/8/2001
  • The Heffernans and the Palmers run into old friend Guy and Lisa (Tom Chick, Eliza Coyle) who invite them to their wedding. Everyone is willing to go until they find out that it will be held in Maryland. Doug concocts an idea to pretend they are at the wedding without actually showing up. Deacon and Kelly reluctantly agree to take their gift and pick up their place card…until one of their kids gets sick. Doug and Carrie try to enlist others to help them but they are refused. Finally they give up and make the drive to Maryland, only to see the couple as they drive away. Meanwhile, Arthur and Spence pose as father and son to take advantage of a shoe sale, and end up going out with the shoe store owner Harold (Michael Fairman) and his son for drinks. The owner’s son is so successful that Arthur badgers Spence about his lack of ambition. 7/31/13
• 063. Hi-Def Jam – 1/29/2001
  • Doug is ecstatic that the Super Bowl is coming up, but when he makes a package delivery to a home with a hi-definition TV, he becomes obsessed with watch the game on one. At first he and Deacon attempt to buy a TV with plans to return it after the Super Bowl, but the salesman (Paul Willson) figures out their plan. Next he invites Pruzan to play poker with the hope of using his TV. Pruzan becomes attracted to Stephanie and Doug encourages her to date him, despite the fact that she thinks he’s a freak. Eventually they get their invite to his house, but during the game Stephanie breaks up with him, causing him to break the remote control which leaves the TV stuck on Fiddler on the Roof. Dick Enberg plays himself in voice-over. 7/31/13
• 064. Paint Misbehavin’ – 2/5/2001
  • To celebrate Deacon’s 33rd birthday, the gang is heading upstate for some paintball action. Spence finds out about it and is invited at the last minute, even though it makes for an odd number of players. Richie is nervous about going because he had once hooked up with Stephanie and didn’t call her back. There is also tension between Doug, Carrie, Deacon, and Kelly, when Carrie admits to Doug that she finds Deacon attractive. An over-zealous stranger named Strohmeyer (Eric Roberts) joins the game to round out the teams. He is paired with Doug and acts as if they are in a real war. Spence stalks Danny because he feels Danny is replacing him in the group, but they end up bonding over an inhaler. Deacon and Carrie set up Doug by putting a bucket of chicken out, then apologizes for the Deacon comment. Strohmeyer shoots at Carrie, and Doug dives in front of her…but it turns out he was only trying to save the chicken. This episode is Larry Romano’s only appearance of the season, and the last appearance of the series. 7/31/13
• 065. Deacon Blues – 2/12/2001
  • Deacon has told Kelly that he is working late, but Doug spots him in a Chinese restaurant with another woman named Angie (Patricia McBride). Doug promised to keep it secret, but soon he and Deacon give it away and Doug is forced to tell Kelly. Deacon promises to end his affair with Angie, and tells Doug that he has never slept with her. Doug feels that this isn’t cheating at all, and has a strong disagreement with Doug about it. Deacon confesses to Kelly and find that she thinks it’s still cheating as well, and kicks Deacon out of the house. Arthur reminds Carrie that she’s not really mad at Doug, just afraid that the same thing could happen to their marriage. 7/31/13
• 066. Horizontal Hold – 2/19/2001
  • When Doug botches a job of cleaning up Snapple under the refrigerator causing a roach infestation, he tries to resort to sex with Carrie to waylay the problem. Carrie decides that sex is impeding their communication, so she puts a two week ban on having it. Doug tries to get on board, but when they have nothing to discuss, he talks her out of it by using a ‘New Coke’ analogy. Deacon has moved in with Spence and at first is annoyed by being smothered, but then gets on board when he realizes Spence is waiting on him hand and foot. Arthur scores with an annoying date named Judy (Pamela Gordon), only because she once slept with Frank Sinatra. 8/2/13
• 067. Inner Tube – 2/26/2001
  • Doug becomes sick and feverish after playing mud football, which he lied to Carrie about. Feeling guilty and having hallucinations of himself involved in various TV shows and movies (The Honeymooners, Brian’s Song, The Young and the Restless, Wheel of Fortune, and a cartoon). After taking the cue from his Honeymooners dream, Doug confesses what the did, but Carrie isn’t as understanding was Alice was to Ralph. Pat Sajak and Vanna White appear in the Wheel of Fortune Segment. Peter Bergman, Scott Reeves, and Melody Scott Thomas appear in the Young and the Restless segment. Jimmy Shubert makes his first appearance as Jimmy. 8/2/13
• 068. Papa Pill – 3/19/2001
  • Doug feels that Carrie is too strict with Arthur, so Doug lets him go to a cocktail lounge with Mickey instead of one of the themed events at the Senior Center. Carrie is livid when Arthur doesn’t show up at home, so she goes to the club and embarrasses him and makes him leave. Doug volunteers to take over Arthur’s ‘care’ – but it proves to be disastrous as Arthur makes him drive all over lower New York. 8/2/13
• 069. Package Deal – 4/9/2001
  • A former co-worker named Mitch (Craig Anton) implies that Doug would be a shoe-in for a job at Fed Ex, so consequently Doug threatens to quit IPS if he isn’t given a better route. His supervisor Patrick O’Boyle (Sam McMurray) won’t cave, and Doug quits and goes for an interview at Fed Ex. Unfortunately, he doesn’t get the job and has to return to IPS with his tail between his legs. Meanwhile at home, Lou asks Carrie to apply tanning cream in return for her putting in an air conditioner. She becomes addicted to the lotion herself. 8/31/13
• 070. Separation Anxiety – 4/16/2001
  • Since Deacon and Kelly have been separated, Doug and Carrie feel the need to spend time with each of them separately. While attending a movie, they run into Carrie’s co-worker Bill (Joseph C. Phillips), who expresses an interest in dating Kelly. Despite Doug’s objections, Carrie gives Bill her number, and he asks her to go to a movie. When Deacon pries this out of Doug, the two of them storm the theatre to beg her to come back. Ultimately, they decide to give things another chance. 9/2/13
• 071. Departure Time – 4/30/2001
  • Doug, Carrie, and Arthur take a trip to JFK airport to meet up with Doug’s parents Janet (Jenny O’Hara) and Joe (Dakin Matthews) while they are on a flight layover. They try to get Doug to sign their living will, but Doug stubbornly refuses. Stephanie shows up and is more than willing to sign it, despite being offended that she wasn’t asked. Although Doug is depressed about his parents getting older, he ends up agreeing. Arthur is offended by the fact that Joe gave him a cigar, and feels he must buy them all gifts – using the money that Doug just got from his parents for his birthday. 9/3/13
• 072. Swim Neighbors – 5/7/2001
  • After a minor hurricane causes damage in the backyard of the Heffernans and the Sackskys, including knocking down the fence between their yards, Tim and Dorothy try to convince Doug and Carrie to make their two back yards into a joint compound. Before they can even give them a definitive ‘no’, Carrie has the fence put back up. This offends the Sacksky and they install a tall above-ground pool that overlooks the Heffernan backyard. This enrages Carrie who looks into taking legal action, but after the Tim invites Spence and Deacon for a swim, Doug gives in and beats the heat by joining them in the pool as well. Carrie delivers a cease and desist order late at night, and can’t resist jumping in the pool herself. 1/9/14
• 073. S’no Job – 5/14/2001
  • Doug and Carrie have Danny and his father Stu (Gavin MacLeod) visit for dinner and Arthur spills the beans that Danny has lost his job and his wife. Without thinking, Carrie mentions that Doug’s company is hiring so he is put on the spot to put in a good word for him. Not wanting to work with Danny, he asks Supervisor O’Boyle to give Danny an interview, but not hire him. He complies, but when Doug realizes how much effort Danny put into the interview, he begins to feel guilty and asks the irritated O’Boyle to call Danny back and hire him. It works out because Danny is put on the night shift, but when he tells Doug that he is going to quit the job, Doug gets angry and pounces on him. The two finally come to terms after Doug tells him why he originally didn’t want him to have the job. Meanwhile, Arthur is taking his task of filling out a questionnaire about a teen movie called She’s Got the Stuff much too seriously. 1/13/14
• 074 & 075.  Pregnant Pause (Parts 1 and 2) – 5/21/2001
  • Carrie can’t get into the bathroom to get her birth control because Arthur is relaxing in the bathtub in the middle of the night. They decide to build a bathroom in the basement, but more importantly Carrie becomes pregnant from the bathroom incident. She finds out when Doug is at work and swears Arthur to secrecy until she can talk to Doug herself. Arthur cannot wait so he picks up Doug from work and takes him to Carrie’s office to get the news. Doug decides to shoulder the full load of responsibility and gets a second job as a chauffeur, exhausting himself in the process. While he works, Carrie is talked into buying an exorbitant amount of baby supplies from an over-zealous saleslady named Marilyn (Nicole Sullivan). At their doctor appointment, Doug passes out twice from exhaustion and the two finally come to terms with having the baby. Sadly, Carrie loses the baby shortly after. Meanwhile, Spence rides Deacon for not calling when he is going to be late and eventually kicks him out, which leads to his full reconciliation with Kelly. The group all go out to a movie in the end, but Arthur stays home to enjoy his new bathroom that Doug finishes for him. NOTE: This episode originally aired as a one-hour episode, but airs as two in syndication. 1/15/14

SEASON 4

• 076 – Walk, Man – 9/24/2001
  • Arthur’s friend Mickey has moved away to x, which gives Arthur an inordinate amount of free time to annoy Doug and Carrie with such things as his game of El Backo. This is even more annoying than normal for them as they have decided to try and conceive a baby. When Doug visits Spence and his new dog Alan and meets the dog walker named Holly (Nicole Sullivan), on whom Spence has an un-reciprocated crush, it gives Doug the idea to walk Arthur. She does this under the guise of studying World War II, but soon Arthur begins to fear that Holly is falling for him. Doug also isn’t satisfied with the arrangement because Carrie is utilizing the free time to do things she wants, and not spend time with Doug. Eventually a jealous Spence reveals to Arthur that Holly is walking him for money, leaving Arthur enraged. In the end, Holly gives him a free walk. 1/16/14
• 077. Sight Gag – 10/1/2001
  • When Doug finds some of the gifts he’s given Carrie over the years headed to Goodwill, he becomes to determined to blow her away with her upcoming birthday gift. Since Carrie cannot pass her eye test at the DMV for her license renewal, Doug decides to get her a gift certificate for laser eye surgery. Carrie is skeptical, but in order to not hurt Doug’s feelings further, she has the procedure completed. Five days later she is still seeing blurred vision. She becomes distraught, especially when she has to go through her birthday party virtually blind. Arthur is hellbent on making sure that no one coddles her so that she can learn to survive with her disability. Her boss Mr. Prazan mentions that he had had great luck with his doctor, the one that he recommended to Doug. Carrie becomes furious when she finds out that Doug has used a coupon at Vision Village to get a cheaper procedure. In the end, she goes to Prazan’s doctor and this procedure gives her perfect vision again. 1/17/14
• 078. Mean Streak – 10/8/2001
  • Doug is on the verge of breaking an IPS record for most consecutive days without a reported incident. The pressure of maintaining his streak combined with the jealousy of the other drivers and his supervisor take their toll on Doug and considers just breaking a package. He has a change of heart when he realizes it is about the customers and not him. Despite nearly breaking some light bulbs, he gets the record. Deacon leads the team in applause. Meanwhile Carrie refuses to play in a Scrabble tournament with Arthur, but when Holly takes her spot and begins to enjoy Arthur’s company, Carrie thinks she’s a bad daughter and joins the tournament. In the end, she blows up at him for talking too much. Steve Tancora is Duke. 1/17/14
• 079. Friender Bender – 10/15/2001
  • Doug and Deacon are driving behind Carrie and Kelly when Deacon points out a strip club, and Doug rear-ends their car. Doug agrees to take care of the damages, but things turn awkward between the friends when the cost of the repairs approaches $1200, which Carrie cannot turn into insurance because of the number of claims she already has. Doug tries to approach Deacon saying that it’s partially his fault and that he wouldn’t want Kelly to know he is pointing out strip clubs, but Deacon doesn’t bite. Carrie can’t get past it, so they buy Kirby a set of drums for his birthday. Meanwhile, Spence has been babysitting for Kirby and is coaxed into eating a peanut that he is allergic too because Kirby stops calling him the Spencinator. 1/17/14
• 080. No Retreat – 10/22/2001
  • Doug accompanies Carrie on an upstate retreat with the law firm where Carrie works. She is interested in advancing in the company, and wants to make a good impression on the senior partners. With no TV in the lodge, Carrie buys Doug a book about mountain climbers. Doug has a difficult time socializing and Carrie berates him for being so awkward. The next day he tries harder and when his go-to story about jet skiing falls flat, he tells senior partner Mr. Kaplan (Victor Raider-Wexler) that he had once climbed Mount Everest. Although Kaplan is impressed with him, Doug lays down the law about telling further lies for the sake of Carrie’s job. Back at home, Arthur puts on Doug’s IPS uniform and spills curry clam soup in Doug’s bed and tries to enlist the help of Deacon to get it cleaned up. Michael Kostroff plays Mr. Thompson. 1/20/14
• 081. Ticker Treat – 10/29/2001
  • Doug decides to put up Halloween decorations for the first time so Kirby can enjoy visiting their house for Trick or Treat. When Arthur smashes his pumpkin and forbids it, Doug is even more resolute in decorating the house. When Arthur sees the paper ghost, he has an attack and winds up in the hospital with a heart ischemia. Arthur tells him that he has always hated Halloween since his father made him go around to houses for hours, just so his father who had a gambling addiction could keep his spoils. Doug feels bad and drives around with Deacon in search of a lemon ice from Gabe’s Pizzeria, which was on of the bright spots of Arthur’s childhood. When they find it, it is closed so they lock the owner outside while Doug helps himself to the lemon ice and then heads off to give it to Arthur, who has another attack when the monkey on the bag scares him. Meanwhile, Deacon frets over the sexuality of Kirby who dressed as Blossom the Powderpuff Girl for Halloween, and Carrie tries to notify family and friends of Arthur’s condition and no one seem to care. 1/20/14
• 082. Lyin’ Hearted – 11/5/2001
  • Arthur is in the hospital for an angioplasty and sends Carrie home to get his sleep mask. While looking through his things, she finds an acceptance letter from Florida State University that he chose not to give to her. She becomes furious and confronts him, but he only confesses not telling Carrie that her big crush called for her. She’s so mad that she throws away his flowers and eats his rice pudding, but when she witnesses a false flatline, she realizes how much she loves him and goes out and buys him a room full of flowers and balloons. Meanwhile, Doug runs into one of his customers – known to Doug only as F. Moynihan (Chris Elliot) – and they hit it off so well, especially after he buys Doug a Chipwich from the vending machine, that F makes Doug his emergency hospital contact. Soon Dr. Berger (Lenny Wolpe) is calling on Doug to discuss F’s condition. Doug gives F the payment for the snack so that they’d be even, but accidentally leave a hundred-dollar bill instead of a one, so he has to sneak back in the room and retrieve it. F wakes up and sees him and the two of them end up holding the premature babies together. 1/20/14
• 083. Life Sentence – 11/12/2001
  • Arthur returns home from the hospital, and his new medicine causes him to feel faint and get stuck in the bathroom. After Doug assists him, Carrie is inspired to take out some life insurance on themselves with provisions for Arthur if one of them should die. Doug also installs a baby-cam in the basement so that they can always keep tabs on him, which Deacon, Danny, and Spence become obsessed with watching. During the meeting with the insurance agent Bill Gillard (Frantz Turner), Doug realizes that Carrie expects him to continue Carrie for Arthur if she dies. He does not agree, and makes it known, but eventually gives in when she gives him a guilt trip. As they sign the insurance papers, Doug finds cigarettes in Carrie’s purse, which enrages him and he accuses her of trying to die first, then eats whipped cream from the can. This hurts Arthur’s feelings, but they all reconcile as Deacon, Danny, and Spence watch from the garage and indicate that this was “the best one yet.” 1/21/14
• 084. Veiled Threat – 11/19/2001
  • Carrie finds part of their wedding cake in the freezer and she and Doug start to reminisce about their wedding six years earlier. In 1995, three days before the wedding, Carrie cannot stop throwing up because she is nervous about whether she and Doug are truly meant to be. When she and Doug go to see Father McAndrew (Joe Flaherty), he recalls that Carrie and Doug were once at the same church camp, and when Carrie fell off the bleachers during a fight, she landed on Doug. Doug later realizes that this was actually his Cousin Danny who Carrie fell on, while he was away at fat camp (although told that it was ‘football’ camp. He finally has to share this information with Carrie when she wants to incorporate the story into the vows. During the ceremony she realizes that her love for Doug is all of the sign she needs. Meanwhile, Arthur can’t afford to pay for the wedding so Doug’s parents take responsibility, Danny sings Andy Gibb songs at the ceremony, and Spence brags about his independence while loathing his loneliness. 1/26/14
• 085. Oxy Moron – 11/26/2001
  • On a return flight from visiting one of Carrie’s friends, one oxygen mask falls upon landing and Doug pushes Carrie aside to grab it for himself. She is understandably annoyed and Doug goes out of his way to try and think about a time when he risked harm to protect Carrie. Although she says she is over it, a reminder in the trailer for a movie causes Doug to storm out of the theater with Carrie following. When they step in the street Doug tackles her to safety, as a bus slowly rolls by seconds later. Meanwhile, Spence is leaving his apartment and interviews with Danny to move in with him. Danny is smug and can’t give Spence an answer, so Spence finds an attractive roommate from the college named Elena (Brandy Lopez) to move in with him. She just thinks of Spence as one of the girls, which frustrates him to the point of finally moving in with Danny, who couldn’t find another roommate. In the end, Elena confesses to a friend that she was falling in love with Spence. 1/26/14
• 086. Depo Man – 12/10/2001
  • Mr. Pruzan asks Carrie to get a package delivery driver as an expert witness in an upcoming court case. Initially she is going to go with Doug but has second thoughts and asks Deacon, but then changes her mind and asks Doug. He acts predictably immature when he shows up for the dry run, and she tells him that she wished she had gone with Deacon, which Doug angrily tells her to do. Pruzan doesn’t like this because he thinks the jury will see Doug as an ‘everyman,’ so she asks Doug to come back. After making her strip for him, he agrees, but then can’t get off work…so it is Deacon once again. Finally, Doug gets off work and shows up at the hearing, so Deacon is out once again. It turns out they only ask him one question which requires a one-word answer. Meanwhile, Spence and Danny throw a poorly attended house-warming party without heat. When Holly shows up, Danny asks her to come and wait for the technician to fix it while he sleeps after his third shift job and Spence is at work. Since both have a crush on Holly, when she comes Danny takes stimulants to keep him awake and Spence takes the day off, which makes it pointless for her to be there. In the end, she gets a date with the heating technician. 1/27/14
• 087. Ovary Action – 12/17/2001
  • A pregnancy test indicates once again that Carrie is not pregnant, so she books them an appointment to see a fertility specialist just before they have to pick up Doug’s parents from the airport.  Dr. Foreman (Jane Lynch) tells them that only one of Carrie’s ovaries is functioning, so they should take advantage of that very weekend to try and conceive while she is fertile, a task that will be difficult with Doug’s parents visiting. Doug botches having them stay in the spare room, so Carrie and Doug wind up in there with a very squeaky fold-out bed, and the next night they have to attend a Christmas pageant with some friends of the family. Finally they confess to Doug’s parents what is going on, so they agree to take Arthur out so they can have alone time until 9:00pm. This doesn’t prove to be enough time as Doug is nervous and has trouble functioning. Just when Carrie calms them down, they hear the three parents on the front doorstep, waiting in the cold until 9pm. They agree to try two months later the next time Carrie ovulates. Meanwhile Joe is infatuated with Holly and manages to tag along on one of her walks with Arthur. 2/2/14
• 088. Food Fight – 1/7/2002
  • Carrie and Doug accompnay Spence and his new girlfriend Becky (Christen Sussin) to the drive-in movies to see Casablanca, and Doug is delighted to find that she has made them all extraordinary snacks and is going to culinary school. Spence is so allergic to most foods that she asks Doug to be her official taste-tester. Carrie becomes offended by this and accuses Doug of having a ‘food affair’. Carrie begins power-walking with one of the partners at her firm Mr. Thompson, which she hates. Doug then tries to get around this by just having Spence bring over the food, but Carrie doesn’t want him eating her food at all. Doug breaks ties with her, and Deacon becomes the new taster much to Doug’s chagrin. Carrie attempts to become more of a nurturer by making a large meal when Spence and Becky visit, but she brings along a delicious salad. Doug manages to avoid eating it, but then Carrie catches him scarfing it down in the kitchen and she loses her temper. Meanwhile, Carrie is astonished to find that Arthur has never seen classic movies such as Casablanca, The Wizard of Oz, It’s a Wonderful Life and the TV show Happy Days. 2/5/14
• 089. Double Downer – 1/14/2002
  • To celebrate the anniversary of their meeting, Carrie wants Doug to take her salsa dancing, which he reluctantly agrees to…until Deacon proposes that they take a group to Atlantic City, casually inviting their boss O’Boyle, whose bird has recently died. Doug manages to sell Carrie in going on the trip, but when they arrive, Deacon has left a message that the trip was canceled. Carrie thinks the trip will be salvaged because they will have alone time, but then O’Boyle shows up, not only becoming a third wheel, but declaring that he is a recovering alcoholic and gambling addict. After spending an uncomfortable and boring day with O’Boyle, Deacon finally shows up and tells them that Kelly has left him. Deacon tries to drown his sorrows with alcohol and gambling, and soon O’Boyle is joining him. The Heffernans try to be comforting, even as Carrie is winning $1500 on a slot machine. Doug has to carry O’Boyle out of the casino. 2/6/14
• 090. Dougie Nights – 2/4/2002
  • Deacon is depressed over Kelly leaving him, and to get him out of his funk, Doug and Carrie attempt to take him to the movies. He is too consumed with looking at pictures of himself with Kelly, so Carrie suggests that Doug take him to a nightclub. This doesn’t do anything to help Deacon, but Doug gets obsessed with the club life. When Deacon meets a girl named Wendy (Sharon Brathwaite) at church and cancels on going out, Doug turns to Spence to have someone single to take out. Carrie runs into Deacon and Wendy and finds out that he isn’t out with Doug. She tracks him down to drag him home just in time to see him fall off of a mechanical bull….but when she gets hit on, she decides to stay as well. This is partly due to the fact that a girl named Lila has started working at the firm and everyone is saying that she and Carrie are identical. She disagrees, and even dressing sexier isn’t making her stand out from Lila (who goes unseen to the audience). 2/6/14
• 091. No Orleans – 2/25/2002
  • While making room for a new Sno-Cone maker, Carrie stumbles on a gravy boat that she and Doug received for their wedding in 1995 that contains a check for $1500 from Doug’s third cousin Ron (Peter Scolari) and his wife Marcia (Susie Essman). Carrie and Doug decide to use the money to go to New Orleans. When the bank won’t accept it, they invite Ron and Marcia over for dinner and pretend to stumble on it. All goes well and Ron writes a new check, but insists that Doug and Carrie go to New Orleans with them, a prospect that the Heffernans find excruciating. Despite being scared that his parents will find out, Doug and Carrie sneak off to New Orleans, but Doug is a nervous wreck. There are several false alarms and a near-giveaway when Carrie is talking to Marcia on the phone and a Dixieland band begins to play in the background – but they’re ultimate undoing is that they cash the check at a bank in New Orleans. Meanwhile, Arthur enlists the help of Spence to illustrate a cartoon that he wants to submit to Playboy. When Spence has ideas of his own, Arthur fires him and looks toward Sanjib the delivery guy. 2/10/14
• 092. Missing Links – 3/4/2002
  • Carrie gets her annual passes to the exclusive Briarwood golf & spa club, a trip that she and Doug usually take with Deacon and Kelly. Since Kelly has left him, Doug and Carrie are feeling awkward, until  Doug and Deacon meet a girl named Leslie (Angelle Brooks), who hits it off with Deacon and gets invited on the trip. Carrie soon realizes that she can’t stand her when she laughs constantly at Doug and Deacon’s jokes, but never as hers. Carrie even attempts to set up Deacon with one of her friend Tina (Zilah Mendoza), a girl from her work who they run into. In the end, Carrie attempts to abscond with the golf cart, and Deacon ends the date. Meanwhile, Holly, who has a crush on Deacon, agrees to babysit Kirby and Major, and Arthur ends up staying for the duration. 2/10/14
• 093. Hero Worship – 3/18/2002
  • Uncle Stu is staying with Doug and Carrie, and after trying one of Doug’s sandwich and hearing him talk about his dreams of owning his own sandwich shop, Stu convinces Doug to go for his dreams. At first Doug sees this as a goal for ‘down the road’, but when Uncle Stu decides to back him after getting a windfall form the sale of his condo, it begins to look more like a reality. Doug does great at naming the sandwiches, but Carrie is convinced Doug has no business sense and will fail. She tries to to get Deacon to talk him out of it, and Danny to convince his father that he should be backing him on a business venture. While they are checking out the location and getting ready to sign, Carrie tells Doug that she doesn’t think he can do it, while simultaneously Danny is telling his father that he want’s backing. Doug is hurt at first, but then thinking back to when his Dad left him in charge of his hardware store, he realizes that he doesn’t have the business sense necessary. Danny starts his business of selling photo hats. 2/11/14
• 094. Screwed Driver – 3/25/2002
  • Carrie is out of town in Chicago for a business trip, which coincides with a visit from Doug’s parents. Doug attempts to be a good host, but it isn’t long until he reverts to his teenage years by playing video games, not studying for a drivers’ test, and playing sick to get out of work. He ends up failing the drivers test, which is mandatory as IPS is switching to a new insurance carrier, which lands him a three-month suspension from driving. Danny eats this up as Doug has to become a loader like him. Doug’s Mom ends up going into work and talks O’Boyle into letting him re-take the test. When Carrie phones home, she is dumbfounded by what is going on at home. Meanwhile Arthur, based on a joke by Joe, decides to manufacture his own screwdriver: the Arthur Head, which is the ‘A’ from a manual typewriter fastened to a screwdriver. He manages to see 1000 of these to a stoned hardware store employee, and as the episode ends, Arthur is working on his third. 2/12/14
• 095. Lush Life – 4/8/2002
  • Carrie reacts extremely mildly when she catches Doug eating Arthur’s pizza right after she has put him on a strict diet, and the reason turns out to be that she stopped after work with a co-worker to drink apple martinis. Doug realizes that alcohol makes her a much nicer person, so he encourages her to stop for drinks every day after work. During a poker game, Lou finds this out and thinks that Doug is doing the wrong thing. Carrie then has a falling out with her co-worker, and has to resort to making his own drinks for her every night after work. Lou tells Arthur about this, but Arthur joins in the fun because Carrie is being nicer to him too. Eventually Lou tells Carrie, and she reads Doug the riot act. 2/12/14
• 096. Bun Dummy – 4/29/2002
  • Doug, Danny, and Spence are preparing for their high school reunion. Spence has some trepidation about going because he claims he had an affair with the hot Spanish teacher, Miss Mancini (Lisa Long), a claim that both Danny and Doug find ludicrous. Doug has worries of his own, as he is anxious to show off Carrie, but can’t stand the bun that she is putting in her hair. When he finally tells her, they get into a fight and she decides to skip the reunion. Doug carries around a picture of Carrie to show off his wife, but Carrie finally shows up – without the bun – after Deacon tells her that it looks horrible. Doug doesn’t like the reason she took it down, so she puts it back up, until she sees a photo of the school’s late librarian wearing a similar bun. Miss Mancini doesn’t recognize Spence at all…but the homely, crippled Miss Berman (Angee Hughes) does…and throws a drink in his face because he never called her. 2/13/14
• 097. Patron S’ain’t – 5/6/2002
  • A visit from their accountant reveals that Doug and Carrie only gave $35 to charity during their last tax year. They feel judged and like cheapskates so they decide make a $500 donation to the library fund at Kirby’s school. During the dedication, Nana Louise (Marla Gibbs) unveils a plaque that indicates that Doug and Carrie are “Friends” of the school, which would have been their designation had they only donated $50. Doug wants to let it drop, but Carrie can’t seem to let go of the fact that they are not listed as “Patrons.” Even though a Priest agrees with Doug, Carrie can’t help but mention it to Nana Louise, who attempts to make the correction, but adds a zero to their figure which gets them to $5000 – and the library is then named after them. When they bring it back to her attention, the school board ends up firing her, which causes Doug and Carrie to return to the Priest, more concerned about going to hell than ever. 2/13/14
• 098. Eddie Money – 5/13/2002
  • Carrie is adamant that Doug not use $100 to bet on a boxing match, but Doug does it anyway…and he and Deacon end up winning $5000. Doug knows it that Carrie will use the money for practical things and Deacon is afraid that Kelly will take whatever he buys in the divorce settlement, so the two decide to use the money and have ‘the best day ever.’ The have an expensive breakfast, get pedicures, pay to use jackhammers, pay a guy to streak, give money to a homeless guy, and rent a Ferrari (in which Doug is convinced that Carrie spotted him). Arthur catches them with the cash and demands to be part of the action so they all get massages, but still they can’t spend the money fast enough. They end up hiring Eddie Money to jam at their house and give him the rest of the money. Doug then realizes that he never paid back the original $100 and ends up taking it back from the bum. Carrie, who has been on a roller coaster thinking she is getting a job with Mr. Kaplan, quits Mr. Pruzan, and then has to return to him, is none the wiser about Doug’s antics…until a photo from the BMV shows up two weeks later showing Doug and Deacon in the Ferrari. 2/14/14
• 099. Two Thirty – 5/20/2002
  • Doug has two toothaches and finally sees Deacon’s dentist Dr. Farber (Tim Matheson), who tells him that he needs root canals and will have to come in for a series of visits. It turns out that Carrie used to babysit for Farber and his ex-wife and had a major crush on him, and unbeknownst to her, the feeling was mutual. He begins to take out his jealousy for Carrie on Doug, causing pain whenever he visits. Doug sets up Farber with Holly, resulting in much gentler visits…until they break up, at which time the pain starts again. Carrie finally confronts Farber, who apologizes and promised to be more gentle for the final treatment. Meanwhile, in order to pay a gambling debt to Deacon, Arthur agrees to give him Kirby piano lessons, even though he has no idea how to play. Other kids join the class while Arthur does nothing but teach them how to use the piano bench as a ventriloquist dummy. Deacon eventually finds out, and says he’s going to tell the other parents – one who happens to be Dr. Farber, who finds out during Doug’s final treatment. Doug runs screaming from the building. 2/16/14
• 100. Shrink Wrap – 5/20/2002
  • Doug is fed up with the constant bickering between Carrie and Arthur, so Carrie recommends taking him to a psychiatrist. Dr. Taber (William Hurt) see Arthur via flashback as his father Jerry (Ben Stiller) berates young Arthur (Erik Per Sullivan) while giving all the attention to young Skitch (Kevin G. Schmidt) and determines that Arthur yells so much because he needs to be validated more. Doug and Carrie let him have his every whim – making candles, forming a bluegrass band, buying a parrot – until Arthur is satisfied and easy to get along with…but then Carrie becomes miserable. Through flashback the doctor sees young Carrie (Madison Lanc) only happy when her friends are miserable. This drives Doug to the doctor who sees a flashback of young Doug getting bullied and holding in his anger. Doug, Carrie, and Arthur determine that only two of them can be happy at a time – so Carrie and Arthur continue to fight and Doug begins to visit the doctor regularly. 2/15/14

SEASON 5

• 101. Arthur, Spooner – 9/23/2002
  • Carrie gets assigned nights for two weeks to manage a project with a group of people who would rather not be there: Neal Morrensy (Steve Hytner), who feels that he should be in charge, George Barksdale (Gerry Black), an older black man who thinks he is being forced out of the company, and Priscilla Stasna (Mary Lynn Rajskub), who is only working nights to escape her abusive boyfriend. All of them are at odds with Carrie, so she enlists Holly to help out. At first the others are resentful, but when Holly starts doing impressions of Carrie, she wins them over. Carrie however gets upset and fires everyone…including the cleaning lady. Arthur’s friend Mickey comes to the rescue. Meanwhile Doug can’t sleep without Carrie by his side, but finds that if he can get Arthur to fall asleep in the bed next to him, he sleeps much better. Doug continues to wine and dine him with the stipulation that he sleep next to him, but soon Arthur starts to get wise and feels used by Doug. Damani Roberts makes his first appearance as Major. 2/17/14
• 102. Window Pain – 9/30/2002
  • Doug and Carrie make a rough first impression on their new classy neighbors Mike (Michael Lowry) and Debi Ross (Marcia Cross), when Doug displays some crude humor and Carrie comes outside wearing curlers and a bathrobe. It is made even worse when they get into a huge noisy argument over the dry cleaning with their window open. To set things straight, Carrie invites them over for a visit, but Mike catches Doug pouring a glass of scotch down the drain that Mike brought over as a gift. Doug finally convinces Carrie that her true self wouldn’t care what others think, and she agrees…but the next day is over drinking with Debi and blaming everything on Doug. Just then, Arthur is brought home by the cops for jumping turnstyles in the subway where Spence works (after his bullying tactics for free rides go unanswered). Doug is nearly arrested for being drunk and disorderly after he pours scotch on himself to make a point. 2/18/14
• 103. Holy Mackerel – 10/7/2002
  • Doug and Carrie run into Father McAndrew (Joe Flaherty) at the fish market and are guilted into attending a church service. Doug is excited to go, but Carrie has reservations and has trouble thinking of things to pray for. She settles on praying for a raise, which she immediately gets. Doug then becomes exasperated when Carrie starts praying for trivial things like that a pair of shoes go on sale. When he sees her success, Doug then prays for the Jets to win and they do. Their praying comes to a halt when they run into Father McAndrew at the fish market again and pray that he doesn’t take the last piece of mahi mahi, and then he gets food poisoning from the halibut he chooses. Meanwhile, Arthur is told that it is a seller’s market and hosts an open house unbeknownst to the kids. He starts to make home repairs when a couple makes an offer and ends up flooding the basement, which Doug and Carrie assume is one of the plagues that God is now sending to them. 2/25/14
• 104. Kirbed Enthusiasm – 10/14/2002
  • Deacon is worried that Kirby is spending too much time with women and doing girly things, so he enlists Doug to help coach Kirby’s football team to help inspire Kirby to play. Doug tells the kids how he had briefly played semi-pro football on the Nassau Rebels team and then works the kids hard on the field. Kirby ducks away to the car and says he wants to quite, stating that Doug had quit the Rebels. This inspires Doug to make him a deal and try out for the Rebels once again. Carrie is initially against this, but then looks at a photo of Doug when he was fit in the ’80’s. Danny helps train Doug, but ‘motivates’ him by telling him that he is lifting more and running faster then he really is. Doug wants to give it up when he hears this, but Carrie talks him into trying out. He is eaten alive on the field and eventually runs off back to the car. Watching the game, Kirby asks his father again if he can quit the team. 2/25/14
• 105. Mammary Lane – 10/21/2002
  • A new girl named Denise (Rachel Dratch) replaces the voluptuous Tanya (Iris Almario) behind the shoe counter at the bowling alley. Doug feels sorry for her since all the guys are mocking how she looks, so he decides to give her a ‘mercy flirt.’ This scares her off and she pretends that her brother Trevor (Jamie Kaler) is her boyfriend to keep Doug away, and goes to extreme measures to avoid him. Meanwhile Carrie agrees to babysit Mr. Kaplan’s four year old son Jordan (Anthony de Marco), who keeps grabbing Carrie’s breasts, causing her to feel sexually harrassed. Spence too feels like he’s being harrassed, because his TiVo keeps recording ‘gay’ shows for him, and he desperately tries to convince Holly that he’s straight. Doug tries to convince Denise that he already had a beautiful wife, but Carrie is in no mood to kiss him after her ordeal with Jordan. Denise ends up spraying foot spray in Doug’s face when she feels threatened, and Jordan chooses to be watched by another worker named Amanda, who has larger breasts than Carrie. 3/6/14
• 106. Business Affairs – 10/28/2002
  • Doug and Carrie are re-financing their house, and when Doug drops off mortgage papers at her office, he is disturbed to find that Carrie’s co-workers refer Carrie’s gay colleague Curt (Cameron Watson) as her ‘work husband.’ When Doug confronts her about it, she points out that her relationship with Curt is similar to his with Deacon’s. Doug then goes out of his way to spend extra time with Deacon, and Carrie reciprocates. When they all run into each other at El Diablo’s restaurant, the situation gets tense when Deacon finds out that Doug calls him his ‘work wife,’ and Curt stops talking to Carrie. Arthur has similar jealousy issues when Holly adds a new dog named Pee Wee to her dog walking, and seems to favor him over Arthur. He tries to hire another dog walker, but she doesn’t walk humans, so he quickly returns to Holly. 3/7/14
• 107. Flame Resistant – 11/4/2002
  • Doug and Carrie run into Doug’s old high school girlfriend Margy Coletti (Lola Glaudini) working as a waitress at Cooper’s, who has just moved back into town after a divorce. They are surprised to learn that Margy still keeps in touch with Doug’s mother Janet and is getting help from her to shop and decorate for her new apartment. Carrie gets jealous and goes shopping with Janet, who recommends a hideous dress for one of Carrie’s work functions. Meanwhile, when Doug tries to confront Margy about the situation, he is sidetracked when she accuses him of never finishing a song that he said he wrote for her. He tries to find the song, and when he realizes he never finished it, tries to come up with another one. Carrie eventually puts her foot down and demands that Janet stop seeing here, which she says she’ll do. However, she stops by Margy’s one last time and ends up having a glass of wine with her and is caught by Carrie. The situation culminates when Doug shows up to serenade Margy with the song that he wrote…just to prove that he had completed it. 3/9/14
• 108. Flash Photography – 11/11/2002
  • Doug visits a confessional and recalls how he reluctantly attended the wedding of Carrie’s friends Samantha (Jennifer Aspen) and Jake (David Eigenberg). Also attending are Deacon and Danny, who used to date Samantha and gets drunk in a fit of despair over losing her. In a moment of boredom and spurred by a comment from Deacon, Doug takes the disposable camera provided on the table, and takes a picture of his penis wearing a tiny top hat. Carrie later throws a brunch for the couple and when the pictures are passed around, everyone is aghast at Doug’s photo. Danny ends up taking the blame, but Doug can’t bring himself to admit what he did, especially to his mother. The priest advises Doug that the only recourse is to admit what he did. He tells Carrie, but she doesn’t want to him to admit because the photo is not very flattering. Doug admits it to everyone anyway, as elsewhere Arthur continues to attempt to unmask the culprit. Pamela Kosh is Flora. 3/10/14
• 109. Connect Four – 11/18/2002
  • Carrie wins season tickets for four to see the Knicks, but stipulates that she wants to take another couple and not Doug’s friends. They first try Carrie’s friends Elly (Jenica Bergere) and Stuart (John McCann), but Stuart is too old for Doug. Then they try Doug’s friends Eddie (Eddie McClintock) and Simone (Judy Prescott), but Simone shares to much personal information with Carrie. They lament the fact that Elly and Eddie would make a perfect couple, and when the opportunity arises Carrie ends up encourage Elly in leaving Stuart. Doug is disgusted, but he is soon presented with the same situation, and Eddie ends up breaking it off with Simone. Just as planned, Elly and Eddie hit it off and are a perfect couple for the Heffernans…but Doug’s bitterness about what they have done causes the new couple to try to set up Carrie with another friend of Eddie’s. Stuart and Simone end up meeting and hitting it off as well. Meanwhile, Arthur tells Deacon that his friend Smitty can get rid of Deacon’s parking ticket, but when Arthur realizes that Smitty no longer works at the DMV, he simply pays the ticket. But after the attention he gets from Deacon, Spence, and Danny, he maintains that he can get rid of their parking tickets. After a failed attempt at selling blood, Arthur simply throws the tickets away…and later all of their cars get towed for non-payment. 3/10/14 
• 110. Loaner Car – 11/25/2002
  • Deacon is frustrated with being a single father and sad that he won’t be able to give his kids a good Thanksgiving. Doug volunteers Carrie’s services to help Deacon with his kids and preparing their meals. Deacon is grateful until he realizes that Carrie’s food is terrible, she is too leniant with the kids, and constantly talks about her work. Doug however is living the high life alone, and tries to defray Deacon’s pleas to him to bring her back home. When Holly gives Deacon a fresh pie, he decides he wants her instead of Carrie, so Doug tries to arrange a trip for him and Carrie that will get her away from Deacon. She thinks Deacond needs her and brings a turkey over to Deacon and his visiting family, and finds Holly there with a turkey as well. Both ladies get angry and storm off with the food, leaving Deacon to take his family to Cooper’s to celebrate the holiday. 3/11/14
• 111. Mentalo Case – 12/16/2002
  • Doug hearkens back to his youth and desires to get a Mentalo fortune-telling toy that he enjoyed as a kid, but he is outbid on eBay. When Spence takes him to a toy expo, Doug finds out that Deacon just purchased the Mentalo and assumes he is getting it for Christmas. When he visits Deacon to find out how he should reciprocate the gift, he realizes that Deacon bought it for himself, and ends up guilting Deacon into giving it to him. Meanwhile, Holly lets it slip to Arthur that Carrie is planning to buy a cruise for him for Christmas, so Arthur feels guilty that all he bought was chopsticks for Carrie, and sends in Holly to find out what she really wants. Carrie assumes that Holly is buying her an expensive gift and ends up buying her gold earrings in addition to getting Doug the Mentalo, forcing her to cancel her father’s cruise. At their Christmas party, Arthur is disappointed with an old man hat and takes back the leather jacket he bought Carrie. Doug gives Deacon the Mentalo back, but then learns the Carrie bought him a knock-off toy. Carrie is disappointed that she only got a mug from Holly, and Doug tries to retrieve the Mentalo from Deacon. With the entire house in a fight, Holly slinks off, pleased with her gold earrings. In a tag, Richard Nixon consults Mentalo on whether he should leave office. Daniels E. Smith appears as a young Deacon. 3/24/14
• 112. Jung Frankenstein – 1/6/2003
  • After Doug enters an eggroll eating contest at work and embarasses Carrie at the theater by expelling his gasses, Carrie makes him go see a psychiatrist (David Foley) to work on his over-eating problem. The treatment works so well, that Carrie starts giving the psychiatrist other issues to work on with Doug – including limiting his TV and being more generous in bed. Soon Deacon joins in and adds his requests as well. The psychiatris eventually breaks down during their meeting and tells Doug that he can’t continue following Carrie’s requests, and Doug confronts Carrie. Meanwhile Arthur falls of the wagon and once again becomes addicted to nasal spray. 4/1/14
• 113. Attention Deficit – 1/20/2003
  • After Doug gets distracted and forgets to bring Carrie a heating pad because he is building a house of cards, and then forgets to ask her how her evaluation at work went – while Lou Ferrigno does – Carrie makes Doug feel guilty about not thinking about her throughout the day. Meanwhile Doug is wrestling with competing with a co-worker Barry’s upcoming Super Bowl party. Doug calls Carrie to tell her that he’s thinking of her during her evaluation and wrecks his truck in the process. Confined to the couch, he is forced to host his party without Carrie’s help once he ticks her off. Everyone ends up leaving the party to go to the other one. 4/1/14
• 114. Prints Charming – 2/3/2003
  • Doug and Carrie pick up their photos from the drug store, but the clerk (Michael Dean Jacobs) accidentally gives them photos of Mr. and Mrs. Hofferman. Carrie becomes envious of how exciting the Hoffermans’ lives seem compared to theirs, so she forces Doug to take scuba diving lessons – during which he flounders and panics in the water. When Doug picks up another batch of Hofferman photos, he notes that some are racy and insists that Carrie make him pancakes while wearing lingerie. While shopping the drug store yet again, they actually run into the Hoffermans. At first they are consoled by the fact that they too are shopping in a drug store on a weekend, but their travel plans that they overhear depress them again…so they go searching through all of the photos to find a couple more boring than them. Meanwhile Arthur gets a cell phone (555-LOGS), but has no one to call him. He throws a fit when one of the dogs that Holly is walking gets a phone call and he doesn’t. Michael R. Robinson is the man on a cell phone. Peggy Lane makes her first of 7 various appearances. Leah Remini’s half-sister Shannon Farrara makes her first of 6 various appearances. 4/2/14
• 115. Animal Attraction – 2/10/2003
  • It is Valentines Day, but Doug and Deacon have to spend the evening driving a pair of penguins named Chloe and Milk Dud to the zoo in Albany. When Doug veers off the road trying to hit an exit, one of the penguins gets out of its cage. When Doug and Deacon get it back in, they get locked inside their IPS truck. They eventually get scared and cold and are forced to snuggle to stay warm. They decide to let the penguins get to be together for the holiday, but they end up fighting each other. It is the noise of the penguin fighting that tips off some strangers into calling for help. Meanwhile, Spence drops Arthur at the Senior Center party and Arthur has plans to get with Eveyln (Francine York), but she won’t abandon her sister Betty Guttenplant (Patricial Gebhard). Spence gets set up with her, and actually starts to become attracted to her when they realize that they both work in glass boxes. Holly is depressed because her boyfriend dumped her, so Carrie takes her to Clancy’s martini bar where they run into Carrie’s boss Mr. Pruzan. Holly and Pruzan hit it off, so Carrie attempts to set her up with a man she meets outside by the dumpster. 4/3/14
• 116. Golden Moldy – 2/17/2003
  • The Heffernans’ neighbors Mike and Debi invite Doug and Carrie to go with them on a getaway to Saint Croix, and although it is stretching their budget, they are excited to go. Just before they leave, Arthur shows Doug some mold that is growing behind one of the basement panels. Doug decides to keep it quiet so that they can enjoy the vacation. As they are living it up, Arthur calls to tell  Doug that he got an estimate and that it will cost $7000 to take care of the mold. Doug is then forced to tell Carrie and suddenly they have to become cheapskates, and instad of buying the Rosses the meal they are due, Doug and Carrie try to have a picnic on the beach with them with food from the grocery store. Arthur tries to convince Spence that the mold is making him lose his mind. 4/9/14
• 117. S’poor House – 2/24/2003
  • Doug and Carrie’s insurance agent Bill Gilliard (Frantz Turner) informs them that their mold issue, which is now found to be expanded to the living room, isn’t covered by insurance because Doug had been informed of water leak that caused the issue when they purchased the house. They have to turn to Doug’s father to ask to borrow the $12,000 that is going to take to fix the issue. He berates Doug for not having money saved up and in going through their bills, Joe realizes it is because Carrie is buying so much high-end clothing. When Doug confronts her, she rips up the check from Joe and storms out. Meanwhile, Arthur is trying to get money to help them by borrowing it from Spence, and when he refuses, from his mother Veronica (now portrayed by Anne Meara). She leads Arthur on and gets him to spend the night, but then reveals that she has no money either. Doug, Carrie, and Arthur all run into each other at an all-night diner, and Carrie admits that she has a spending problem, and they agree to work harder to save money. 4/11/14
• 118. Steve Moscow – 3/10/2003
  • Doug and Carrie hire a Russian company led by a smarmy guy named Steve (Charles Rocket) to rid their house of the mold in the walls. They are able to convince Steve to perform the work sooner rather than later because he respects the fact that they take care of Arthur. However, after starting the work, Carrie forces Doug to question their pricing, causing them to not come back the next day, leaving their house in shambles. Doug has to remedy this by bringing them vodka and getting drunk with them repeatedly. Eventually they finish the work and Doug finally permits Carrie to verbally assault them. 12/21/13
• 119. Cowardly Lyin’ – 3/31/2003
  • Spence and Denise recommend the opera La bohème, but Doug wants no part of it. When Carrie leaves a message at home indicating that she can get tickets for the show, he pretends that he doesn’t here it – and has Deacon leave a message so the answering machine light will still be flashing. Doug gets caught and then tells Carrie that the reason he lies so much is that Carrie scares him. Holly back Doug up on this, and soon Carrie decides to be more supportive and let Doug do what he wants. She turns to Denise about this, and consequently causes her to put her foot down with Spence and forbid him going to the Dark Shadows convention. Doug, however, find that he misses the ‘thrill of the dance’, and returns to constant lying. 12/21/13
• 120. Driving Reign – 4/14/2003
  • Doug reluctantly submits a recommendation that Carrie actually wrote so that his cousin Danny can be promoted from loader to driver at IPS. Danny gets the job and begins to bicker with Doug, prompting Doug to turn him loose on his route, while he takes the trainee route. Doug is livid when Danny finishes the route 45 minutes faster than Doug ever has, so supervisor O’Boyle arranges a race between the two. When Danny begins to falter, he lets Doug know that he actually cheated on his first day and Doug is really the better driver. Meanwhile, Arthur is flattered when Holly tells him that he is like family, but then is taken aback to learn that she considers him like a grandfather rather than a father. 12/22/13
• 121. Clothes Encounter – 4/21/2003
  • To reward themselves for digging their way out of debt, Doug and Carrie decide to each buy themselves a treat. Doug buys a harmonica, but Carrie buys an expensive leather jacket. When she goes to return it, and realizes she could have kept it longer, she concocts a scheme to buy expensive clothes, wear them, and return them. Doug is aghast – especially when he is forced to return a pair of shoes and get scared by the German workers, and when Carrie begins to fill up an entire room with items. He forces Carrie to stop, but she wears a dress one last time to Mr. Kaplan’s party and nearly gets thrown up on by a baby, until Doug saves the day and takes the brunt of it. Meanwhile, Spence stresses over getting rid of his dog because Denise is afraid of him…until she and the dog bond over scaring off a pigeon. 1/6/14
• 122. Queens’bro Bridge – 4/28/2003
  • Doug is beside himself when he finds out that Arthur owns a house along with his estranged half-brother Skitch (Shelly Berman), so he gets the two to reconcile by repeatedly driving through Skitch’s toll booth with Arthur in the car. The two do eventually make up and agree to move into the house together, but soon it becomes apparent to Doug that Shelly is treating Arthur poorly. Despite having remodeling the basement, Doug asks Arthur to move back…although he keeps pushing the move-in day back because he is enjoying his sex and pudding with Carrie. 1/6/14
• 123. Dog Shelter – 5/5/2003
  • Doug and Carrie go to visit Doug’s parents, and Carrie realizes that Doug’s dog Rocky would be 27 years old after watching an old video. Doug’s mother Janet admits that the current dog is actually Rocky IV. Carrie confronts her about this and she admits that they shelter him from ‘bad things’ in his life. Carrie tells Doug about this, and when he confronts his Mom, he also finds out that he was born in Canada and that he failed kindergarten. When Janet tells Carrie that she left the door open once resulting in the death of Rocky III, everyone decides that it is better to live in fantasy. Meanwhile, Spence uses Arthur as a buffer when Denise meets his mother Veronica. It goes well until Arthur berates Rachel because her job at the bowling alley is not unionized. 1/21/14
• 124. Taste Buds – 5/12/2003
  • When Doug realizes that Arthur almost always gets his way with Carrie, he starts influencing Arthur to make the type of food choices that Doug prefers. Carrie realizes what he is doing and puts Arthur on a strict diet, which Doug tries to get him off of. Doug eventually has to apologize to both Carrie and Arthur, but still manages to sway Arthur to demand that Carrie have sex with Doug. Meanwhile, Spence is excited about the release of the movie Warriors of Grün, and lines up two days early for tickets – although there are no others waiting . When he has to leave to take his Mom to the doctor, he talks Deacon into holding his spot. Deacon gets embarrassed when some of his friends walk by, and he leaves the line causing Spence to lose his space. 1/21/14 
• 125. Bed Spread – 5/19/2003
  • Doug and Carrie’s bed collapses so they go shopping for a new one, which is on back order. In the meantime, they borrow twin beds from Deacon and soon are enjoying sleeping separately. Since this seems to work, they begin to see separate movies, eat at separate restaurants, and even plan separate vacations. Meanwhile, Arthur finds a window behind the paneling downstairs and begins to listen in to Lou Ferrigno’s gossip, becoming paranoid that Lou will make assumptions about him and his friend Mickey. When Lou sees the separate beds, he assumes Doug and Carrie are having problems and starts to spread the rumor. Doug and Carrie don’t let that bother them, but soon realize that they are starting to miss each other and are happy when their new bed arrives. The old beds go to Arthur, and Lou sees him and Mickey having a sleepover in the basement. Steve Hytner is Henry the bed salesman. 2/17/14

SEASON 6

• 126. Doug Less: Part 1 – 10/1/2003
  • Doug has lost forty pounds and Carrie is getting tired of everyone complimenting him about it. Doug has a surprise getaway to a cabin in the mountains planned for them to celebrate his weight loss, a place Doug thinks that he and Carrie once spent a romantic vacation. It turns out that Carrie had never been there before and Doug had taken a girl named Beth, whom everyone there seems to remember. As they set out in a canoe, Carrie becomes more and more irritated at Doug. Meanwhile at home, Danny and Spence are staying with Arthur, arguing over who gets to sleep in their bed, and ready to succumb to the pressure of letting Arthur use the appliances and the car. 2/17/14
• 127. Doug Less: Part 2 – 10/1/2003
  • Doug and Carrie park their canoe to take in the scenery and it floats away, leaving them stranded and lost. They spend the night fighting and the next morning they go their separate ways. Carrie immediately finds a place to eat breakfast, while Doug tries to become Rambo. Carrie eventually retrieves him and admits that she was jealous that he stole her thunder. Doug nervously crosses a swinging bridge to get back to Carrie. Meanwhile at home, Arthur uses the fact that Carrie called him for the number of their motel as a cue to drive the car and go up and ‘rescue’ her. Danny and Spence make up and try and agree on how to ‘raise’ Arthur. When Doug and Carrie arrive home, Arthur is nowhere to be found, and is now foraging in the woods. 3/24/14
• 128. King Pong – 10/8/2003
  • When Arthur goes out for milk and comes home with a ping-pong table, Doug becomes distressed when Arthur is better than him. But things turn much worse when he uses Carrie to practice, and she too starts beating him. Doug turns to Arthur to train him like he did Carrie, and eventually Doug does beat her. However, when he starts gloating, she confesses to letting him win, and another game proves that she is still much better. He can’t get past being dominated by Carrie, so he forces her to play him in basketball. Meanwhile, Denise gets a job as a cocktail waitress, which makes Spence jealous of the attention she gets from the male clientele. He brings Holly to the bar to make Denise jealous, and Denise ends up dancing on the bar. Dan Leegant is Perry. 3/24/14
• 129. Dreading Vows – 10/15/2003
  • In a romantic moment at dinner Doug and Carrie decide to renew their wedding vows on the bluff at the beach, but when Carrie realizes how difficult it is to get a flautist, and Doug cannot get a monkey to act as his best man and has to resort to Danny, they agree that it is a hassle and call it off. Once they announce this, Doug’s parents, Danny, Mr. Pruzan, and their other friends become concerned that they are having marital problems. Arthur is rooting for them to cancel it because he has promised to give them a bottle of port wine that he had been saving, which Spence has informed him is worth over a thousand dollars. They decide to continue with the vow ceremony for everyone else’s benefit, but end up getting in a fight while speaking to Father McAndrew. Carrie shows up 45 minutes late for the ceremony, but brings the monkey that Doug always wanted. Danny has to turn over the reign…and the monkey drinks Arthur’s wine. Dennis Cockrum plays Jeffrey the chair guy. 6/23/14 
• 130. Nocturnal Omission – 10/22/2003
  • Carrie finds out that Kelly is coming back to Deacon at the end of the weekend, and Doug decides to tell him so that he doesn’t have a miserable weekend. However when he arrives at Deacon’s, he finds that he is ecstatic that he is going out with a hot stewardess named Melanie (Judith Shekoni) that night, so consequently Doug does not tell him about Kelly. Doug struggles with this and confides in Arthur – who then tells Carrie. She makes him return to tell Deacon, which he does just as he and Melanie are returning from a Mets game. When Carrie meets Melanie, even she has second thoughts, so they both give their blessing for Deacon to do what they want…but his conscience won’t allow him to do anything. Kelly does in fact return after being absent for two years, but Deacon clearly feels regret for not going through with the fling, especially after Kelly mentions the orthodontist that she had slept with. 6/23/14
• 131. Affidavit Justice – 10/29/2003
  • Doug is invited to attend Carrie’s company picnic, where his over-zealous softball playing ends up injuring Mr. Thompson – but impressing Mr. Kaplan, who invites Doug to pose as a lawyer and play on their team. Carrie has her concerns, especially when Mr. Rogers (Michael C. Mahon) and Mr. Pibb (Todd Sandler) start to woo him to come work for them at Epstein & Epstein for $150K. Doug has big dreams of being a lawyer, but while he is dreaming, he trips and falls while running the bases and injures his leg. Both law firms lose interest in him at that point. Meanwhile Arthur discovers that his ancestors once owned slaves and wants to make reparations by writing Deacon a check. Deacon refuses, but finally accepts just to shut Arthur up. Then Arthur finds out that he had been researching the ancestry of Arthur Spinner, and that his family never owned slaves. Since Deacon cannot pay him back, Arthur suggests that he become his slave for the week. 9/1/14
• 132. Secret Garden – 11/12/2003
  • The Heffernans and Palmers are having a grill-out when Danny stops by to announce his new gardening business, the Garden of Weedin’. Carrie wants to help him out so she recommends him to her new gynecologist Dr. Roy Crawford (Judge Reinhold), doctor that Kelly recommended for his gentleness and comfort. When Carrie finds out how temperamental the doctor is, she becomes very nervous when she finds out that Danny is going to charge him more than his estimate. She talks Doug into paying the balance of the bill, but then Crawford hires Danny for more work. Carrie demands that Danny do the job and only charge the estimate this time, but instead he leaves for Delaware. The Heffernans and Palmers end up trying to do the gardening, but ultimately get caught and the ladies are ejected as patients…leaving an opening for Holly. 9/1/14
• 133. Eggsit Strategy – 11/19/2003
  • Carrie hears about downsizing at her office and once it is confirmed that her boss Mr. Pruzan is being canned, she becomes fearful of losing her job. She tries to impress Mr. Levy (Bob Bancroft) by dressing sexy, but he shuts her down. Mr. Kaplan tells her that she’ll be fine, so she concentrates on arranging the farewell party with omelet bar that Pruzan wants. However she later finds out that being ‘fine’ meant that she’ll do fine on the job market, causing her to storm out of the office. Meanwhile, Doug is told not to touch the Koosh ball that Major gave to him as a gift but he does anyway, and is forced to toss it to O’Boyle, who walks off with it and puts it in his desk. Doug and Deacon make several attempts to retrieve it, but Doug is leery about losing his job – especially after getting caught filling out a time card for ‘Foghorn Leghorn’ – since Carrie’s job is uncertain. When an inspector named Mr. Halliburton (Jim Staahl) visits IPS, they attempt to get the Koosh back in a game of pass, but Halliburton ends up driving off with it. 10/2/14
• 134. Thanks, Man – 11/26/2003
  • As Carrie and Doug are preparing to host their first Thanksgiving dinner, a man (Nick Offerman) wearing an eye patch shows up at their front door claiming to have had a car breakdown and wants to use the phone. Doug cheerfully lets him in, but Carrie is freaked out and wants him out of the house. Even though he has to wait four hours to be picked up, the stranger is forced outside by Carrie to wait in the cold, while the Heffernans host the Palmers, Lou, Spence, Danny, and Holly for dinner. Danny is absorbed in the football game, while the rest become obsessed with the stranger and argue over whether he should be let in, with Lou and Holly siding with Doug. Eventually everyone but Carrie winds up going outside to eat with him, until finally she gives in and joins them. The stranger spots a car coming to pick him up and goes back inside to use the bathroom before he leaves…and ends up robbing them. Omari Lyles takes over the role of Kirby and Desmond Roberts takes over the role of Major. 10/3/14
• 135. American Idle – 12/3/2003
  • Frustrated by fruitless job interviews, Carrie decides to take a break for a while and ‘find herself’, planning to read The Great Gatsby, organizer her photo albums, and working on designer cell phone cases. Doug also asks that she have the coffee maker repaired. Weeks pass and all Carrie does is lay on the couch and watch television. Doug is finally able to rouse her to work on her cellphone cases, which she makes and tries to sell to their friends. Once she realizes how ridiculous they are, she apologizes to their friends and admits that she feels completely lost. Arthur continues to rehearse his lines to try and help sell the cases. 10/26/14
• 136. Santa Claustrophobia – 12/17/2003
  • Bored with sitting at home, Carrie applies for a temporary holiday job at IPS as a payroll assistant. When she starts working there, Doug feels smothered and does all he can to get time away from her both at work and at home. Once she realizes that he is avoiding her, she confesses that she loves spending time with him and is turned on by watching him do his job. They end up having sex in the back of his truck, which Doug brags about causing it to get spread all over the workplace. She gets angry at him and they decide to buy their own individual Christmas trees – but inspired by the Ben (George Wallace Jr.) and Maureen (Kathryn Joosten), the couple at the tree lot who have worked together for nearly 50 years, they make up. After Doug and Carrie leave, Maureen berates Ben for losing a sale. Meanwhile, Doug and Carrie refuse to make a family Christmas card, so Arthur tries to make one with Holly and the dogs, then Spence, and finally photographs himself next to Doug and Carrie while they are sleeping. 10/26/14
• 137. Dougie Houser – 1/7/2004
  • Doug is getting ready to order a chainsaw off TV and when Carrie nixes the idea, Doug flashes back to the reason that he has to let Carrie make all of the important decisions. Ten years earlier, they were getting ready to buy their current home, but when Doug finds a house that has a sunken living room, a baseball glove chair, and a dumbwaiter to the bedroom, but is across the street from an elementary school, he rallies for them to buy that house. Carrie nixes the idea…and also tells him to shave his mustache. He only shaves half of it before realizing that he doesn’t want Carrie running his life. She agrees to let him choose house, and they choose the house with the dumbwaiter, finding that they are miserable with the noise from the school…and the broken dumbwaiter. Six months later they wind up in their current home, losing thousands on the deal. Meanwhile, Arthur, in whose house they are living, tries for his big break by selling ribbons to school girls. Back in the present, Doug forgets the chainsaw and just orders goggles. Nikki Tyler-Flynn is Sharon. 11/29/14
• 138. Frigid Heirs – 1/14/2004
  • Arthur wins $1500 playing Bingo, and Doug decides that he owes them a frivolous gift for all they’ve done for him, and requests new golf clubs for himself and a beauty treatment for Carrie. Arthur needs some time to make his decision and coaxes them into taking him out to the movies and miniature golf. Arthur refuses their request, but agrees to give them $1000 to replace the kitchen refrigerator that is failing. Doug and Carrie buy a small, used refrigerator from a college student and then spend the remainder on what they wanted. Doug then wants additional clubs, and Carrie wants a Jacuzzi adapter for the bathtub, but Carrie insists that they don’t take advantage. Doug then finds that Arthur has given Carrie money for an alarm clock and she has bought the Jacuzzi. They destroy their DVD player and ask Arthur for more money, but when they get it, they give $800 to Holly, whose dog Schatzi needs an operation. 11/29/14
• 139. Switch Sitters – 2/11/2004
  • Doug and Carrie are regularly babysitting Kirby and Major, so Doug suggest that they Deacon and Kelly return the favor by watching Arthur now and then. They decline, but Doug and Carrie put them on the spot to take Arthur out for Italian food, with strict instructions not to let him have anything spicy. Arthur however refuses to listen and orders spicy sausage, causing a disgusted Doug to have to care for him all night. The Heffernans respond by giving coffee to Kirby and Major. The war escalates with Doug reading them The Shining and letting Kirby put on Carrie’s make-up. Deacon and Kelly buy Arthur a megaphone. Eventually they all have to sit down and negotiate a far schedule where they can trade babysitting duties. Eddie Pepitone is Rob the waiter. 1/19/15
• 140. Cheap Saks – 2/11/2004
  • While waiting for Carrie at an art gallery, Doug spots a girl named Trish (Janeane Garofalo) who he once dated and unceremoniously dumped because she was so annoying, and then was caught by her playing her pathetic phone messages to his friends. Carrie ends up befriending her and using her employee discount to shop at Saks. But soon she also annoys Carrie, who no longer wants anything to do with makes Doug feel all the more guilty. Doug meets Trish at the movies where Carrie was supposed to show up and invites her to dinner at their house. Carrie tries to pass Trish off on Holly, who doesn’t like her either. Eventually Doug finally has to politely tell her that it is best if they all part ways. She leaves gracefully, but returns to pick up her dish and hears Carrie playing her new pathetic phone messages. Meanwhile Spence, still recoiling from his break-up with Denise, is upset when a male friend named Brett (Scott Atkinson) who he met at the art gallery, isn’t hitting on him. When Spence tries to make the first move, Brett dumps him stating that he is straight. Spence later tries to make a pass at Trish, who rejects him. 1/19/15
• 141. Damned Yanky – 2/18/2004
  • Doug has to have his appendix removed, and while he is sedated Carrie hears him go through a list of women in his fantasies. She confronts him about this and he admits that he does have fantasies about other women, but in his fantasy, Carrie has tragically died so he’s not cheating. In order to keep him from fantasizing about her death, she gives him a list of ‘acceptable’ fantasies he can have, but these turn out ot ruin all fantasies for him. He tries to have one about Carrie’s manicurist Tina (Steffiana De La Cruz), but ends up killing Carrie before he can proceed with her. Carrie becomes more understanding when she has a fantasy about a shirtless Dr. Garcia (Angelo Pagan) and Doug dying after having his stitches removed, which leads to a sexy Latin dance in the hospital waiting room. Ping Wu plays a Chinese food delivery man. Norma Michaels is Doug’s final fantasy, the elderly Josephine. 3/9/15
• 142. Multiple Plots – 2/25/2004
  • Arthur has an extra cemetery plot next to him at Shady Acres that he is trying to unload. Spence’s mother Veronica initially buys the plot, but Arthur gives her the money back so that he can sell it Evelyn, a former Miss Yonkers, instead. Holly has too many dogs to walk, so Carrie jumps at the chance of making $100 a day to walk the extras. She ends up pawning the job off on a kid named Donny (Sam Lerner), and when Holly catches her, she too joins in taking advantage of Donny. Doug gets a new route and is disturbed by a doll repairman (Allen Covert) who always answers the door with a towel around his waist. In order to get out of delivering to him, Doug reports that the man’s dog Mr. Belvedere has bitten him. When Doug sees the dog catcher (Eddie Driscoll) taking the dog away, he feels bad and confesses that he put in the complaint. He saves the dog, but ends up getting bitten. Evelyn backs out of buying Arthur’s plot, so Arthur offers it to Donny when he comes to walk him. Melissa Chan and Christine Gonzales play Kim and Amy, Carrie’s former co-workers. 3/9/15
• 143. Trash Talker – 3/3/2004
  • Deacon is hanging out with an old classmate named Sean McGee (Jon Favreau) whom Doug hates because he once told everyone that Doug had licked a trash can, earning Doug the nickname “Doug Heffer-can.” Doug attempts to play raquetball with Deacon to dissuade him from playing with Sean, but Doug ends up throwing up on the court. Doug declares that if Deacon is friends with his enemy, then Deacon too is his enemy. Things get even worse when Carrie offers to work for Sean. Doug boycotts Major’s birthday party since Sean will be there, but when Arthur advises him to focus his hate on Sean and not the others. Doug crashes the party and although Sean apologizes, He still maintains that Doug really did lick the trash can. Doug attacks him in a ball pit, thus ruining Carrie’s chances of getting a job for him. Arthur confronts Major for not being invited to the party. Darcas Macopson is Melvin, a black delivery man who Doug tries to befriend. 5/28/15
• 144. Precedent Nixin’ – 3/17/2004
  • Doug and Carrie are heading to Fort Lauderdale, Florida to visit Doug’s parents, but Carrie wants to stay in a hotel instead of their house and set a precedent for future visits. In order to do this, they convince Deacon and Kelly to cancel their vacation to Vermont and go with them so they can all say they’re staying in a hotel. Doug’s mother is visibly hurt, but they do it anyway… only to find that Spring breakers are overtaking the hotel and there is a bat in the bathroom. They all end up back at Doug’s parents, but when Carrie has to use the bathroom at night, Doug sets off the alarm and causes a huge ruckus. Deacon and Kelly return to the hotel, where Kelly participates in a wet t-shirt contest with the Spring breakers. 5/28/15
• 145. Foe: Pa – 3/24/2004
  • Carrie gets a job interview with the Dugan Group real estate firm, but while interviewing with Mr. Hecht (Ron West), Arthur shows up looking for legal representation in a case he wants to make against his dermatologist, thus embarrassing Carrie. Back at home Carrie fears she didn’t get the job because of Arthur’s shenanigans, and she lambasts him for being a terrible father in front of the cable repairman Horace (Alejandro Furth). Arthur retreats to Holly’s house and says he won’t come home until he can travel through time and make all the things he did to ruin Carrie’s life right again. Doug and Holly give him phone numbers of cell phones for him to call to talk to the necessary people with whom he has caused a disruption to Carrie. This works like a charm, but Carrie is forced to pose as her old Girl Scout Troop leader over the phone when Holly leaves. The touching things Arthur says about Carrie – plus the fact that she does in fact get the job – makes her forgive him… until Arthur starts to flirt with her. 5/30/15
• 146. Tank Heaven – 4/7/2004
  • While celebrating her new job with Doug, Carrie runs into a new co-worker named Emily (Amy Farrington) and her husband Peter (Michael James Reed). Doug then accepts an invitation to a Mark Russell concert with them and then purposely tries to turn them off by exposing his chest hair so that Carrie won’t try to make friends with her new co-workers, and thus preserve his ‘dome’. Doug convinces Carrie that it is her that they don’t like, although Emily tells Carrie the truth. Doug convinces her their story is a lie, and then goes through a succession of offending her other office friends. This backfires when Carrie decides to quit her job because no one likes her. Doug convinces her to give it one more try with the newspaper saleslady Cheryl (Amy Stiller) and her husband Dennis (Eddie Pepitone), but cannot resist lifting his shirt again when they are incredibly boring… only to get caught by Carrie. Meanwhile Spence is able impress a waitress named Kate (Andrea Savage) by pretending to take care of Arthur. But soon Danny moves in on his gig, as does Arthur with his even older friend Whitey (Bill Erwin). 5/30/15
• 147. Alter Ego – 5/5/2004
  • Spence finds out that his ex-girlfriend Denise is getting married, and Doug talks him into going down to Memphis and let him know his feelings for her. Doug, Danny, and Deacon all accompany him on the road trip, where they run into issues with Danny’s bite plate and have to stop at a dentist who charges him $600, but since they are short, Deacon has to give the dentist his new leather jacket. Doug tries to get cash at two casinos and ends up gambling and running up two credit cards… which makes Carrie unable to get groceries back home. They also stop off to visit Deacon’s estranged father (Duane R. Shepard Sr.) in Bartlett, which leads to Deacon having a slight breakdown. They coast into town on fumes and have to run the last leg of the trip on foot. They arrive at the church just in time, only to find that Denise has another suitor named  Ted (Philip Wofford) there who stops the wedding… and with whom she runs off with. Meanwhile Arthur fills in at the front desk of the Senior Center and tries to negotiate a better deal on pudding cups… only to wind out purchasing baked beans for the seniors to have as snacks. Earl Billings is Dennis. Steve Paymer is Steve. 9/5/15
• 148. Icky Shuffle – 5/12/2004
  • With Carrie down sick with a cold, Doug takes Arthur to Family Night at the Senior City. Arthur’s fierce competition with Philip Waldecott (William Daniels) and his son-in-law Warren lead to Arthur accepting a challenge to be in a shuffleboard tournament to win a basket of foot powder, with Doug as his partner. When it becomes clear that Doug is terrible at shuffleboard, and Arthur learns that Spence is a natural – although he gave it up long ago when his Coach Wallace (Mookie Barker) had an affair with his mother – Arthur begs Spence to join his team, leaving Doug in the cold. However when Spence once again finds his mother in bed with Coach Wallace, Spence gives it up once and for all. Arthur apologizes to Doug and convinces to rejoin the team… but they do terrible and Arthur pelts him with a barrage of insults. Meanwhile Carrie gets Holly to make her dinner every night while she is sick, and then gets her to continue cooking for her even once she recovers… despite the fact that Holly becomes extremely sick herself. 9/6/15
• 149. Awful Bigamy – 5/19/2004
  • Holly is kicked out of her apartment and Arthur puts Doug and Carrie on the spot to let her stay there. Doug is initially nervous about having to make conversation with Holly, but soon finds out that she laughs at his jokes, cooks for him, and lets him do what he wants. He starts to refer to her as his ‘downstairs wife’ while Carrie is busy putting together a work report upstairs. Doug tries to prevent Carrie from finishing her report, and Arthur from finding Holly an apartment so that he can keep it all going as long as possible. But he ends up getting greedy when he meets Melinda (Heidi Godt), the sister of his friend Jimmy, who works for Nassau Coliseum and can get him tickets to sporting events. She becomes ‘Coliseum wife’, but it falls apart when Carrie and Holly both catch onto what has been going on. 12/13/15

SEASON 7

• 150. Lost Vegas – 10/27/2004
  • Danny gets an offer to drive his friend Steve’s Corvette from New York to his residence in Los Vegas, where he will put up Danny and his friends in free hotel. Doug thinks he will have no problem getting Carrie to allow him to go, until he leaves her in the rain at her nail salon, while he is busy getting a double-stuffed fudge covered apple pie at Rally’s when he is supposed to be picking her up. To make up for it, he takes her to a spa, where he is put through an intense workout, but stays so that he can accrue one ‘credit’ from Carrie. Meanwhile Arthur tries to teach Spence to count cards at Blackjack, and Danny gets the Corvette stolen at the Halfway House Cafe in Ohio by a man (Patrick Cavanaugh) he thinks is a valet. With the trip cancelled, Arthur and Spence go to a church fundraiser to utilize their Blackjack skills. Spence feels too guilty… but Arthur doesn’t. Doug avoids using his credit for sex, and instead wants to go to an Indian casino. However the best he can do is go to a Tony Orlando concert with Deacon. Richard Voigts is Father Sheehan. Helen Eigenberg is Rochelle. 12/15/15
• 151. Dugan Groupie – 11/3/2004
  • Doug gets irritated when Carrie starts cancelling plans with him because she is working late. Carrie works on a presentation of out-of-state escrow companies which impresses her new boss Georgia Boone (Lisa Banes) and suddenly gets more responsibility at work. Carrie loves everything about her job, including the coffee club, all of which makes Doug resentful because he has never attempted to excel at his job. He asks O’Boyle for more job responsibility as a way of getting even with Carrie, and is assigned ‘Safety Chief’, a job that he blows at home when Arthur cuts himself. Doug is finally able to come to terms with Carrie’s new love of her job when she tells him that she doesn’t like the coffee in Coffee Club and that she is routinely violated by a sleazy guy at work. Meanwhile Arthur searches the house for things that Carrie and Doug have better versions of them him, like toilet paper and toothpaste. Nikki Tyler-Flynn now plays Lisa. 2/13/16
• 152. Furious Gorge – 11/10/2004
  • Irritated by Doug’s constant failed diets, Carrie forces him to join an over-eaters support group, but upon arrival, Doug finds better snacks in one of the other support group rooms: men in abusive relationships. The leader of the group Neil (Tim Bagley) convinces Doug that his over-eating stems from Carrie’s abuse of him. Doug takes this to heart and every time Carrie yells at him – or anyone else – Doug uses it as an excuse to eat, convincing Holly that Carrie is abusive as well. Carrie thinks Doug is attending the over-eaters group and is proud of him… but notices that he is actually gaining weight. She follows him to the group and finds out its true nature, informing everyone that Doug was fat when she first met him, and even as a child. Carrie agrees to attend an anger management class if it will get Doug back in the over-eaters group. Both progress in their group, until Carrie has an encounter with a jerk at a movie theater and gives Doug her candy if he will allow her to confront them. Charlie Capen is an IPS delivery guy. Members of the support group include Maury (Christopher Neiman), Ron (Jake O’Flaherty), and John (Jayden Lund). 2/13/16
• 153. Entertainment Weakly – 11/24/2004
  • Doug sees himself as the ‘funny one’ at IPS, and routinely tells funny stories during the lunch hour. He immediately feels threatened by Danny’s new trainee Tim Murphy (Craig Gass), who does spot-on celebrity impressions. As Doug’s popularity wanes, and Tim’s soars, Doug resorts to practicing his own impressions for Carrie, and then trying his hand at ventriloquism. When all else fails, he impersonates the dispatcher and sends Tim on a dangerous route to New Jersey. When Tim is mugged and winds up in the hospital, Doug confesses to Tim what he did, resulting in Doug being put on the night shift by O’Boyle. Meanwhile Carrie is given a sharp assistant named Michelle (Joanna Canton), and Carrie soon learns that Lisa can do all of her work, resulting in Carrie being given even more challenging jobs by her boss. When Carrie finds out that Michelle is moving to Denver, Carrie tries everything she can think of to stop her, resulting in driving her off immediately and being stuck with a job she can’t understand. Adam Ferrara is Nick. 5/12/16
• 154. Name Dropper – 12/1/2004
  • Carrie is attending a party given by her company’s owner Andrew Dugan (John Getz), but is concerned about taking Doug since he always forgets people’s names, and Arthur, who she is afraid will load up on shrimp-to-go. They manage to get through the party until the end when Doug cannot remember the name of Carrie’s co-worker Molly (Suzy Nakamura), so he fakes a heart attack and is taken away in an ambulance. Dugan is very concerned about Doug and forces Carrie to take him to his specialist for a series of stress tests. Eventually Carrie realizes that Doug was only doing it for her, and Doug promises to try and pay more attention to her co-workers. However when he forgets Mr. Dugan’s first name, he feigns another heart attack. Meanwhile Spence’s mother Veronica moves in with him and Danny, and when she begins flirting with Danny, he forces Spence to do all his chores under threat of acting on her impulses. Spence complies for a while, and then brings Danny’s mother Trudy (Beecey Carlson) under threat of giving her alcohol and seducing her. Both Spence and Danny fold quickly and call a truce rather than romancing the mothers. 5/13/16
• 155. Offtrack…Bedding – 12/8/2004
  • Doug’s parents come to town from Florida so that Joe can attend a Model Train Expo. Doug and Carrie have purchased tickets for them to see Camelot, but Joe has to go pick his spot for his train setup, so Janet has to go alone. Carrie gets the idea to send Arthur to go with her, and from then on Arthur and Janet become inseparable. Doug is furious and finally acknowledges that his parents’ marriage is suffering. Although Arthur is initially only interested in taking Janet out for the expense money he is promised, he refuses to back off when Carrie tells him that her marriage is suffering. Doug goes to the Expo to warn his father, who is so intent on winning a Golden Caboose award that he refuses to leave. When Doug berates him, he reconsiders and leaves Doug to operate the trains for the first time. Joe is able to charm his wife and send Arthur ‘back to the basement’… but Doug immediately crashes the train and starts a fire. Richie Minervini is the fire inspector.  8/16/16
• 156. Silent Mite – 12/15/2004
  • While Christmas shopping Doug confronts and embarrasses a midget named Phil (Jon Simanton) when he flirts with Carrie. Later while Doug is picking up gloves for Carrie in Leather World, he realizes his wallet is missing. When Doug retraces his footsteps and can’t find it, he comes to suspect Phil… especially when the purchases on his car seem to point to a ‘little person’. Doug has trouble reporting it to Detective Perry (Bruce Fine) because he too is short. Doug decides to confront Phil himself at the mall, and nearly accosts the wrong midget Don (Dana Michael Woods). Carrie shows up to witness Doug have mercy on Phil, when will he laments the poor state of his life. They make peace and Carrie gets validation that he was in fact hitting on her and not just using it as a scam. Later Don is seen using Doug’s credit card in Maui. Arthur knocks over the Christmas tree at home trying to put up a giant ornament that he made. Jamison Yang is a sales agent. 8/17/16 
• 157. Awed Couple – 1/5/2005
  • When Deacon and Kelly tell Doug and Carrie that they’ve met a new couple who is more convenient to hang around with, Doug and Carrie set out to make some new friends of their own. They start out at the hardware store and scare off once couple and discard a couple named Jon (Christopher Comes) and Brigitte (Michele Nordin) because they have kids. After a wild night with another strange couple, they revert back to Neal (Craig Anton) and Marcy Berger (Suzanne Cryer), a couple who annoy them. However when they meet the Bergers’ friends Marc (Scott Rabinowitz) and Renee Koehler (Kate Orsini), they try to figure out a way to switch friends by getting hold of the Koehlers. They end up going out on the Bergers’ boat, and Carrie gets caught rooting through Renee’s purse. Renee gets angry and throws her address book overboard, and Doug jumps in to try and retrieve it. Barry Alan Levine is Louie. Erica Shaffer is Jamie. Dan Kinsella is the security guard. 10/29/16
• 158. Cologne Ranger – 1/12/2005
  • Doug is lured by attractive cosmetics worker Traci (Torey DeVitto) into trying Frederico DeMali cologne, and is pleased by the results when women start telling him how great he smells. Carrie hates the fragrance and wants him to continue wearing his Midnight Steel. When Doug is teased by Deacon and Danny, Doug sneaks around wearing the cologne. When she catches him, the argument escalates to Carrie dressing gaudy for their anniversary dinner while Doug reverts to wearing his red cowboy boots. After arguing in the restaurant, they come to an agreement, but are kicked out by the maitre d’ (Alex Craig Mann) for causing a disturbance. Meanwhile Arthur owes Spence money from losing a gin, and pays off his debt to both him and Holly by sneaking them into the movies. When they are caught by an usher (Mookie Barker), Arthur abandons them. He makes it up by buying them dinner, and then coaxes them to sneak out of the restaurant as well. Shira Scott is Trish. Production Coordinator Courtney Wieden is Helga. 10/29/16
• 159. Domestic Disturbance – 1/19/2005
  • Carrie points out that she is now making more money than Doug, and with their extra disposable income, she hires a Spanish-speaking maid named Inez (Zilah Mendoza). Doug doesn’t care for her because of the communication gap and the fact that she keeps moving his snacks. Meanwhile Spence is trying to convince Arthur to ask out his mother because she is feeling useless. When Doug demands that Carrie fire Inez, she refuses and says that she’s making more money, prompting Doug to hire his own maid: Spence’s mother Veronica. Arthur suddenly becomes attracted to Veronica since she is now forbidden, and sleeps with her downstairs, keeping Inez form doing the laundry. Carrie fires Veronica and Doug fires Inez, leaving with with no maids rather than two, and Arthur has now lost all interest in Veronica. 2/6/17
• 160. Pour Judgement – 1/26/2005
  • When Carrie finds out that Doug is opting out of taking an aptitude test at work that could help advance his career, she pesters him to try and make something more of himself. Doug’s fear of failure stems from a time when he once failed at tending bar at hot nightclub called Poison. Much to her irritation, her pep talk merely motivates him to attend bar school, where after several stumbles, he passes the class under the guidance of his strict teacher Luke (Eric Allan Kramer). Doug works for one night at Cooper’s and decides that the job isn’t all he thought it would be and plans to quit. But when Carrie notices how much he has brought home in tips, she demands that he take a job at a bar in Manhattan… which ultimately is way too much for him and ends with a lot of broken glass. Doug agrees to take the IPS aptitude test, with miserable results as well. Meanwhile Arthur tries to run for president of the Senior Center to get rid of the tyrannical George Barksdale. Holly assists him in campaigning, but when Arthur tries to get the ‘black vote’ by inviting Deacon to visit him, he is beaten unanimously. Barksdale takes revenge by having his thugs on Rascal scooters rough him up. Fred Saldone is Doug’s old boss Lou. Mookie Barker is Doug’s customer Bill, whom Doug makes fall off the wagon. Matt Greisser is Dave the customer. Kristina Hayes is Julie, the customer with man problems. Vanessa Alatorre is a Manhattan bar patron. Clea Montville is the humiliated student. Jonathan Fraser is John. 2/6/17
• 161. Gym Neighbors – 2/9/2005
  • Doug notices that Carrie is putting on some weight when she can’t fit in many of her outfits and tries to find the way to approach the subject. The opportunity presents itself when Lou has a yard sale and offers to personally train both of them if they buy his home gym equipment. Doug ends up letting Lou play his video games, which Lou’s wife Carla Ferrigno (herself) won’t allow, if Lou lets him slide on the workout while he gives Carrie the full deal. Meanwhile Arthur sees an old rerun of $10,000 Pyramid from 1976on which he was contestant and finds out that he was supposed to get a year’s supply or Rice-a-Roni for his participation. He tries approaching Dick Clark’s representative Bill (Jim Holmes) and when he is denied, he comes up with an incriminating photo of Clark from the Battle of the Network Stars. Carries catches Doug napping during his workout time and reads him the riot act. She forces Doug to actually start working out… but the equipment is now blocked in by Arthur’s huge supply of Rice-a-Roni. Ted Garcia is the TV host voice-over. 5/18/17
• 162. Gorilla Warfare – 2/16/2005
  • Danny has been dumped again by his girlfriend, so Carrie encourages him to stop looking at women less for appearance and more for content. When Holly gets dumped by her boyfriend too, she ends up spending the night at Danny’s house with him in bed. However the next morning, he brags to Spence that nothing happened because she sees him more for his content. Meanwhile as Carrie’s gives Danny advice, she mentions a line from Doug that won her over, but when she goes to get it engraves on Doug’s beer mug, she finds out from the clerk Judd (Jesse Burch) that the line was from the movie McCormick and JoJo, spoken by Erik Estrada (himself) to a monkey. Carrie is furious, and Doug struggles ad nauseum to come up with a replacement line. As he gets to one he wants to use, Danny ends up using it after waiting in vain for Holly to return his calls and then finding out that she is now dating her exterminator Rick (Jason Packham). Carrie is happy that Doug put in so much effort, but is still surprised that he couldn’t come up with one thing. Danny finally gives the Valentine’s bear he bought for Holly to Spence. Janelle Inez is Jennifer. David M. Price is a customer. 5/21/17
• 163. Hi, School – 2/23/2005
  • Doug is assigned a pickup at Saint Gregory’s, his old high school, and is excited when he meets up with his old Coach Walcott (Burt Reynolds) and is prompted to regale students Brandon (Patrick Levis) and Michael (Charles Duckworth) with old stories of high school. Doug goes overboard with feeling like a big shot at the school and keeps returning there, completely standing up Carrie who is trying to get him to a meeting to refinance the mortgage. As Coach Walcott puts the moves on Librarian Berenson (Robbie Troy) at a pep rally at school, Doug takes the microphone from the principal Mr. McGreggor and manages to rouse the crowd… until he moons them which brings on a deafening silence. Carrie has made her way to the school to retrieve Doug, but ends up counseling two cheerleaders Suzie Pinkus (Mandy Musgrave) and Kim (Annie Abrams) with advice about boys. When Carrie tries to teach Carrie to smoke, both she and Doug wind up in the Coach’s office, who gives them the advice that they metaphorically can’t go home again. Meanwhile without his eye drops Arthur can’t see, and then when he accidentally puts wart remover in his ears, he can’t see. He ends up in a sorry state in seclusion into Holly assists him with getting his own water ala Helen Keller. 1/7/18
• 164. Deconstructing Carrie – 3/2/2005
  • Carrie’s 35th birthday is coming up and she is in an especially bad mood, feeling old, ugly, and fat. Doug can do no right – even when he offers to take her into the city the nightclub Silk to celebrate. When she mentions that even the construction workers next door aren’t catcalling her, Doug visits them and bribes them to start making lewd comments to her. This brightens her day, and she starts treating Doug much better. Deacon warns Doug that this could backfire, and it does so when Carrie starts ‘feeling’ young and drags Doug along on bike rides. Their night at Silk also is miserable for him when the bouncer Niles (Bas Rutten) lets her inside, but not Doug. He decides to try to reverse the effect by bribing the workers to make insulting comments to her, but she quickly catches on and bribes them to ridicule Doug when he walks by. Doug tries to take revenge on the bouncer when he delivers him a package, but the bouncer nearly attacks him. Meanwhile Arthur, out of money, tries to make a photo collage for Carrie, but feels bad when he realizes he’s not in any of them. When Holly tells Arthur that a friend can superimpose him in the images, he gets carried away with the locations he places himself with her. Mark Colson, Jackie Flynn, Angelo Pagan, and Jeff Weidemann are the construction workers Gus, Vince, Hector, and Tim. 1/9/18
• 165. Black List – 3/16/2005
  • Deacon begins hanging out with his new neighbor James (Derick Alexander), causing Doug to start getting jealous. His friends point out however that since James is black, he might be fulfilling needs that Doug can’t. Doug tries to bring up black topics with Deacon, but fails miserably. Doug has a dream that night that he is excluded from Deacon’s rap party, from the church Deacon is leading to sing Movin’ on Up from The Jeffersons, and round table discussions about black topics… along with Ted Lange (himself) telling Doug to let it go. This helps Doug understand Deacon’s needs, but then realizes that James is actually pretty much just the black version of Doug. When Doug finds out that James is entering Regan’s Wing Eating Contest, Doug goes up against him and is victorious. He thinks this means that he has won Deacon, but Deacon explains that he doesn’t choose his friends that way, and cautions him that he needs to chill out. Meanwhile Carrie is told by the receptionist (Karen Maruyama) that her manicurist Sue (Steffiana De La Cruz) is cutting back on customers, but when Sue takes Holly as a client, she finds out that Sue simply doesn’t like her. She tries to get her spot back to no avail, and when she berates Sue, Carrie ends up blacklisted from manicurists all over town. Danny gets hair highlights and a chemical peel. Jay London is the guy who sits with them at the stadium. Jon Manfrellotti is the contest host Ed. 9/16/18
• 166. Wish Boned – 3/30/2005
  • It s Arthur’s birthday and he only wants to spend time with Doug watching the Final Four by himself. Doug is so irritated by him that he fakes a phone call to himself and watches the game on a portable TV in his car. Doug ends up winning the office pool so he gets to go to St. Louis for the championship game. Carrie pleads with him to take Arthur for his birthday, and Doug only concedes because she promises he will never have to do anything with Arthur again. Things go awry right away when Arthur falls asleep on the plane before it is announced they have to switch planes. Doug wheels him to the next plane in a cart, but he wakes up just in time to roam off. Arthur overhears Doug telling the airline gate worker (Anthony DeSantis) what a nuisance Arthur is. Arthur refuses to board the plane, and when Doug lays into him, Arthur vows to get Doug to St. Louis. He gets them on a charter plane full of Hasidic Jews, but when he freaks out during turbulence, the plane lands and drops them off in Dayton, where Doug is forced to watch the game on a pay-TV in the airport. Meanwhile Carrie enjoys a quiet evening at home until Doug’s father shows up and forces her to help make some repairs around the house. When Carrie finally makes him back off, she feels bad and asks him to stay. She feigns interest in his stories, but makes a fake call to herself as well to get out of the house. Chris Edgerly is the pilot. Roger Marks is the Hasidic man. Michael R. Robinson is the cart guy. 9/16/18
• 167. Van Go – 4/6/2005
  • Carrie wants to take a trip to Lowe’s in order to get materials to decorate her office, and hopes to use Holly’s van. She invites her to come along under the guise of needing to rely on Holly’s ‘good taste.’ When Carrie hates everything she picks out, she passes her off on a divorcee named Johnathan (Johnathan Fraser). Holly nearly abandons Carrie to leave with Johnathan, but Carrie guilts her into taking her home. Holly then finds out that Carrie has put back all of the stuff she picked out and that Carrie was only using her for the van, so gives her the van and storms off to leave with Johnathan…but he abandons her when he finds out she doesn’t have the van. Meanwhile Doug and Deacon visit a new restaurant called Slappy’s and runs afoul of the waitress Joanne (Rebecca Corey) when he gets impatient and retrieves his own food. Now scared of her, Doug asks the busboy Guiseppe (Richie Minervini) for a refill, which causes the manager Ed (Roger Lundblade) to bawl out Joanne, who then threatens to meet Doug outside to gut him like a whale. His plans is to taunt her and then jump on the back of the car Deacons is driving and escape, but they are quickly stopped by a delivery truck. Back home, Arthur and George run a Casino Night to make money, and after they pull the wealthy Josephine into the game, they wind up deep in debt and are forced to give away items around the house including the kitchen table. Dan Leegant is Milty. 6/8/19
• 168. Ice Cubed – 4/13/2005
  • In the middle of a blizzard Doug makes a stop at the home of Phil (Keisuke Hoashi) and Miyoshi Matsumoto (Anzu Lawson) to delivery some beef jerky. Even though Fed Ex has closed down because of the blizzard, Doug decides to ‘ride it out’ in the luxury of their home where they serve him hot chocolate, cake, and jerky. They all become fast friends until Doug overhears that Miyoshi’s father is coming to live with them. His stern warning about the perils of living with a father-in-law destroy their afternoon. Meanwhile Carrie buys a new iPod and the cashier Carmen (Yvonee Delarosa) forgets to charge her for it because she’s gabbing with a man named Roberto. However when the blizzard forces her to take refuge in a church, her conversations with Father McDaniel (Nick Bakay) lead her to feel guilty and go back and pay for it. The supervisor (Carol Ann Susi) accuses Carrie of stealing by knowingly leaving with the iPod not rang up, so she informs her that Carmen was chatting with Roberto, getting her fired. She returns to the church and feels guilty again, so returns to offer Carmen and job. Just then her husband (Hector Luis Bustamante) comes in, but when Carrie references Roberto, it appears that the husband is not Roberto after all but rather Hector, leading to the revelation that their daughter might be Roberto’s. Carrie ends up giving Father McDaniel the iPod. Arthur is stranded at Holly’s house because of the storm, and keeps staring and adding commentary to Holly’s date with Owen (Michael Wirth). She ends up sending him to be ‘babysat’ by the neighbor Maggie (Robin Lee Noll) and her daughter Sasha (Andrea Mussorici). Arthur is of course inappropriate with both, so he gets kicked out. Holly tries to stick up for Arthur with Owen, but ultimately throws Arthur out into the cold. 6/8/19
• 169. Catching Hell – 4/20/2005
  • Carrie has a work event in the sky box at Shea Stadium for the Mets game and hopes to impress potential client Joyce (Concetta Tomei). She has allowed Doug to bring along Deacon and Spence, but when Doug spills his hot dog on Joyce’s jacket, Carrie forces Doug and Deacon to go sit elsewhere and pretends that Spence is her husband. When Joyce propositions Spence, Carrie is initially offended but when Joyce offers to send Carrie to the Bahamas for a project, she quickly forgets her irritation. Spence agrees to have a quickie down in the limo, but disappoints Joyce so badly, that Joyce retracts her offer. Doug and Deacon finally find a seat, but Doug is picked on mercilessly by a boy named Brandon (Shane Baumel), so when a ball is hit to Brandon, Doug snags it, causing his mother Sylvia (Amy Stiller) to berate him and a group of fans to throw food at Doug all through the game. Meanwhile Arthur enlists Holly to help him host a dinner party for Lou and Carla Ferrigno (herself), George, and Roberto (Rigo Alexander) the bag boy. Holly additionally invites her Uncle Bernard (Hal Linden), a gay hairdresser who once worked on The Ed Sullivan Show. When Bernard upstages Arthur with his stories and singing, Arthur pretends he had many gay lovers as well. Lori Hall is Carrie’s co-worker Kate. 2/24/20
• 170. Slippery Slope – 5/9/2005
  • Spence and Danny tell Doug how they will be getting a plasma television as a gift for attending a sales pitch of an upstate getaway ski lodge Pine Summit, but the catch is that it is for couples only. Doug wants to get in on the action, so he coaxes Carrie into going for a getaway. Once Carrie finds out the trip is free contingent on attending the sales pitch, she is adamant that Doug stay away from any sales rep since he has no self control. They meet a couple named Steve (Rob Boltin) and Anna Lauria (Kerry O’Malley), who are also only there for the free week.  Spence is hit by a snowball and labels it as a gay hate crime. When the manager Mr. Landry (Tom Virtue) implies to Danny that gay people aren’t welcome, and that they will not receive their TV since they are not married. They resolve this issue by going out and getting married in Vermont. When sales rep John Joyce (David Grant Wright) tells Carrie and Doug that they won’t get the TV if they leave early, Carrie is even more furious. She then learns that Steve and Anna turn out to be sales folks in disguise. Carrie doesn’t figure this out though until Steve has Doug out alone on the ski slopes. When Carrie calls him to warn him, Doug steals a snowmobile to escape him and winds up falling down a huge hill. Anna makes a very affordable pitch to Carrie as Doug rolls down the hill. Back home, Deacon criticizes the TV picture, while Spence complains that Danny hasn’t filled out the annulment papers yet. Michele Nordin is the waitress. Bryan Eldridge is Larry the desk clerk. Writer and Producer Mike Soccio makes a cameo as the snowmobile owner. 2/24/20
• 171. Buy Curious – 5/18/2005
  • Carrie and Doug are awoken one night to the lights of an ambulance taking away their dead neighbor Paul. Doug isn’t even sure who he is and mistakes him for their barefoot neighbor Ed (Mookie Barker). Carrie gets the idea to ingratiate herself with Paul’s cousin Eloise (Linda Porter), buy the house at a steal, and then re-sell it. They attend the memorial at Paul’s house to get a better look at it, and Doug is forced to give a speech about Paul to follow up their neighbor Bobby’s (Todd Zeile) heartfelt speech. They start to become concerned when they spot Lou watering the flowers that he will swoop in and buy the house form under them, so Carrie makes a quick deal with Eloise and buys it. Weeks later they have been unable to sell it and are quoted nearly $4000 to fix the plumbing and electric. Carrie winds up having Ed do it for $75. When they nearly get buyers in a young black family Larry (Darrell Foster) and Vanessa (Sharon Brathwaite) and their son Malik (Taj Hester), their conscience suddenly takes over when they find out that Vanessa is pregnant. They try to talk the couple out of buying it, but are mistaken for racists. They end up taking a beating when Lou buys the house from them with a lowball offer. Meanwhile Arthur is leery about the side effects of taking psoriasis medication, and when Spence mentions that his mother has the same ailment, Arthur begins asking her out regularly for coffee and slipping her the drug to see what side effects might manifest themselves. When she tells Arthur that she is going out of town, he spills the beans because he is concerned she may have a side effect that he won’t witness. She is furious with him that he has been using her as a lab rat. 6/4/20

SEASON 8

• 172. Pole Lox – 9/19/20
  • After a racquetball game with Deacon, Doug notices the pole dancing class and invites one of the dancers Anna Marie (Michele Nordin) and her boyfriend Ed (Hayes MacArthur) over for dinner in order to get Carrie interested in taking the class. She is onto Doug from the start, and refuses the watch the Pole Cats video that he brought home. However when she is alone, she take a look at it and decides to join the class. Arthur is beside himself with disgust and blames himself for not spending more time with her doing wholesome activities. Trying to rectify this, he keeps her busy with the circus, playground, and other things in this vein. She reserves the nights for performing on the pole, which Doug has installed in the bedroom., as ‘Misty Heffernan.” Unfortunately she is clumsy and awkward on it, and it turns Doug off completely. He can’t stand spending time watching her, so he tries to put her to sleep with a massage. When she doesn’t bite, he finally confesses that she is terrible. She is embarrassed and angry, so Doug tries to demonstrate how to become ‘one with the pole.’ His performance is so natural that she attacks him passionalely. Meanwhile Arthur has Spence take him to a strip club with the intention of bringing home a stripper to tell Carrie what life is like as one. However he becomes mesmerized with one of their lap dances. Later he takes Doug to the circus as well, but when Doug tells him that he won’t stop pole dancing, Arthur explodes in rage. 6/4/20
• 173. Vocal Discord – 9/26/2005
  • Carrie has recently added dictating software on her computer, and while Arthur is enjoying playing with it and uttering such worlds as ‘bosoms’, Carrie and Doug find it a little ominous when it records one of their knock-down drag-out arguments. Fearing that this is not a heatlhy trend, they invite over their new neighbor Glenn (Tim Bagley) who happens to be a marraige counselor. He gives them some exercises to do by identifying words and phrases they use that are likely to escalate disputes. Meanwhile Arthur works with ladies at the Senior Center top put on scenes from the play The Gin Game for Theatre Night. He quickly discounts several of the women Flora, Josephine (Pamela Michaels), and Mina (Dona Hardy), and is left with Betty Horowitz (Charlotte Rae). Arthur tries to work with her to get an emotional performance but is left unsatisfied. Doug and Carrie continue to work on improving their relationship by putting up note cards whenever they have a disagreement and see if the sitution still needs addressign 24 hour later. Doug starts to simply getting away with anything he ants by putting up a new note card each time he does something. Their fights get so bad that Glenn gives up, and gives Arthur the transcript of their fights and tells him he no longer wants it in his house. Unsatisfied with The Gin Game, Arthur and Betty do a rendition of The Lovers?, which is simply the fights between Doug and Carrie. As Doug and Carrie watch from the audience, they are amused by their insults for each other and apologize to one another as they laugh it off. Tim Monsion is Paul the play’s MC. 9/20/20
• 174. Consummate Professional – 10/3/2005
  • Doug has just celebrated his ten year anniversary at IPS, but Carrie thinks he should have celebrated it three months earlier. Doug finally admits what happened via flashback from the Summer of 1995. Doug and Carrie have been dating for two months, but she still hasn’t slept with him. He thinks it is because she is a nice girl, but a Melrose Place-obsessed Spence and Danny tell Doug that she has been with many other men including the DeRobertas brothers. He confronts Carrie about this and she admits that she hasn’t waited with a lot of men, but she is now ready to settle down and thinks that Doug might be the one. However she has concerns that he doesn’t have a job yet, so he lies and says that he does in fact was just hired for a job… so she gives in and sleeps with him. The next morning he can’t answer where he works, so he starts a fight about it and leaves. When he notices that she is following him, he ducks into IPS and introduces himself to Deacon, asking if he can wear his shirt to fool his girlfriend. Deacon declines, but he does it anyway. Deacon eventually covers for him when he sees how stern Carrie is with him. When Carrie convinces Doug to carpool with her, he starts hanging out at IPS, but when she stops in to see him at lunch, he has to fumble through using the forklift causing a great deal of damage. Mr. O’Boyle who thinks that he does in fact work there, calls him into his office to fire him. When Doug explains the truth to him, O’Boyle ends up hiring him. 9/20/20
• 175. Like Hell – 10/10/2005
  • When a new co-worker named Jared Robinson (Bryan Callen) doesn’t invite Doug to a barbecue at his house, and has seemingly invited everyone else, Doug starts to become obsessed with making Jared like him. Feeling insulted when discussing this with Carrie, Doug tells her that her co-workers don’t like her much either. Carrie runs this by her co-worker Lisa  and she concurs that no one really likes her. This sets her on a mission to kiss up to her work associates including giving a makeover to a wallflower named Dawn (Laura Silverman). Deacon finds out from Jared that he can take Doug or leave him, which enrages Doug even more. Still Doug tries to impress Jared with a magic trick and when that doesn’t work, he goes to O’Boyle to complain that Jared is affecting morale by not inviting everyone. Doug then asks O’Boyle to put them on a Lake George run together so he can have time with him. Along the way, Doug stops for activities including peddle boating, and finally confronts Jared about why he doesn’t like him. He eventually forces Jared to invite him to the barbecue by threatening to tip the boat. Carrie loses her footing as well, when Dawn decides she doesn’t feel comfortable dressed in the attire Carrie picked out, causing Carrie to snap at her and get on the bad side of all of her co-workers again. Doug and Carrie both wind up having restraining orders filed against them. Carrie’s co-workers include Bill (Peter Breitmayer), Marcy (Sheila Shaw), Gary (Emil Beheshti), and ‘baby’ (Paul Hayes). NOTE: Bill is referred to as Ed. 1/5/21
• 176. Sandwiched Out – 10/17/2005
  • Holly announces to Arthur that she is moving to Manhattan with her boyfriend Carl (David Haydn-Jones), but he thinks it is a ploy to get a raise. Carrie, on the other hand, finds it unsettling that Holly could be moving to her dream location, and it becomes even more upsetting when Carl buys her a huge ring. She tries to shoot holes in the relationship, even going with her to the jeweler Jacob (Danny Goldman) for a failed attempt to prove the ring is fake. Meanwhile Doug is distraught when Cooper’s names a sandwich after Deacon, even though Doug claims he invented, albeit using gravy instead of horseradish. Adding insult to injury, a customer named Roger (James Lancaster) asks Deacon to sign his menu. Doug tries to get Manny (Juan Carlos Cantu) to name a sandwich after him at his lunch cart, and signs up Deacon to work on Saturday which will interview with his kid’s birthday.  Arthur continues to play the ‘raise’ game by pretending to interview a teen named Peter (Alex Rayfiel) to replace her. Both Carrie and Doug are raging with jealousy by the time they get to Holly’s engagement party at Coopers. Doug gets even more upset when the waitress (Dahlia Salem) brings out a six-foot Deacon sandwich, which Doug pretends to choke on because it so dry that he needs to drink gravy. Deacon has finally had enough and challenges Doug to a fight outside. Carrie tries to get Carl to admit that he’s a philanderer, and Holly finally calls her out and gets her to admit that Holly’s failures have always made her feel better about herself. Carrie ultimately wishes her luck. Danny tries to stop the fight by telling them that the owner has agreed to change the ingredients a bit on the sandwich and name it the D&D after both of them. They still punch each other. Holly finally convinces Arthur she is really leaving, and takes him on one last walk and listens to his stories about singer Neil Sedaka, who appears as himself receiving a letter from Arthur. 1/7/21
• 177. Shear Torture – 10/24/2005
  • Doug brags to his friends about the hot new hairdresser Lori (Jenna Gering), but he won’t tell Danny her name because he doesn’t want him to see her. Danny tries to get the information out of Carrie, but this is the first she’s heard about it, so she shows up to watch him in action and berate him for sneaking around. Meanwhile, Spence talks Lou into going to the Fantasy Expo with him so that he can be a big shot for bringing the Incredible Hulk. He later runs into Adam West (himself) buying subway tokens, and talks him into going as well. He then has the task of backing out of bringing Lou, who is now excited to not only go, but to dress up like the Hulk. Carrie’s friend Lisa reminds her that she is rather titillated by and flirty with her gym trainer Brad (Jason Packham), and thus has been too hard on Doug. Carrie thinks it over and tells Doug that he can return to Lori whenever he wants. However, when he returns, she is cutting Danny’s hair… and getting ready to on a dinner date with him. Doug is forced to get his hair cut by an old man named Gus (Larry Newman). Spence finally tells Lou that he’s taking Adam West to the convention, but then on their way there, West tells him that the celebrities all look out for each other, and he throws Spence out of his car and leaves him on the side of the road. Without Lori for Doug to go to, he tells Carrie that she can no longer see Brad. Carrie tries to find Doug a new hot hairdresser, so they go to a salon together where Doug tries to get on the schedule of a hairdresser named Shira (Bree Michael Warner), but she is booked so he goes after another one (Mary Castro) and sends Carrie home. Lou and Adam show up at Doug’s place asking about his new hot hairdresser. 4/29/21
• 178. Inn Escapable – 11/7/2005
  • Doug surprises Carrie by treating her to a weekend at the Sugar Creek Bed & Breakfast. Although she is touched by the gesture, upon arrival and meeting the quirky innkeepers Ed (Jim Haynie) and Betty Chape (Carol Mansell), she starts to have second thoughts. The place is full of cats, the room is tiny, and Ed is taking a bath in their room. Meanwhile Arthur is home alone, and has a date named Annette (Arlene Golonka) over at the house and claims that it is his place. When Carrie finds out that there is a Hyatt nearby, she wants to sneak out of the B&B, but Doug doesn’t have the heart to take Ed and Betty’s hope away since business has been so lax lately. The end up sneaking out in the middle of the night, only to be followed by the couple’s cat Marmalade, who thinks that Doug is their son Ed Junior. They come searching for the cat, and find Doug, who has fallen in the creek. Carrie makes it to the Hyatt and is living it up, while Ed and Betty feed Doug a turkey sandwich, which he is sure has been in the bath with Ed. Annette is still in the house after spending the night, and starts telling Arthur that she’d be willing it to move in. Arthur is unable to say no, so he allows her to start making changes at the house, including tearing down wall, gutting the living room, and putting in a gazebo, which is estimated by a contractor named Pete (Kerry Aissa) to be $30,ooo worth of work. Deacon comes over and questions what Arthur is doing, so he tells Annette that Deacon is his parole officer and lover. Carrie finally comes back to the B&B after partying all night to reclaim Doug. The sneak out again, and wind up driving off so quickly that they flatten the lawn ornaments… and have to kick Marmalade out of the car. Later, the estranged Ed Junior (Kevin James) returns to his parents. 4/29/21
• 179. Move Doubt – 11/14/2005
  • When the house next door to Doug and Carrie owned by an old Albanian man named Vasili (Steve Franken), they worry about the potential new neighbors, so they try to push for Deacon and Kelly to buy it. Also interested in buying it are Spence and Danny, but Carrie is so threatening about them buying it, that they back off. However before they leave, they meet Vasili’s beautiful niece Zana (Sanya Mateyas). Since Spence is Albanian also, only he can communicate with her, so he gets Danny to back off by misinterpreting everything she says to him. They each wage an escalating ware of trying to impress her, with making Albanian food, playing Albanian guitar, and inviting her to an Albanian dance. One night they both think they have dates with her, but she brings over another man named Boshkeem, who is gay, and then leaves to go on a date with a drummer. Spence and Danny then end up fighting over Boshkeem’s attention. Meanwhile, Deacon and Kelly decide they don’t want the house, and when confronted, Deacon tells Doug it is because of Carrie, and Kelly tells Carrie that it is because of Doug. A couple named Jeff (Cooper Thornton) and Stephanie (Kelly Hawthorne) who have eight kids and one on the way wind up getting the house and start building a third level to it, making an infernal racket night and day. Doug and Carrie became bitter toward each other because they blame the other for Deacon and Kelly not buying the house. When Doug goes over to complain about the noise, the kids attack them with their remote controlled cars and airplanes. Doug and Carrie go see Deacon and Kelly and demand that they tell them why they didn’t want to live next to them. They tell them that they’re having marriage problems again, and don’t think it is a good time to buy a house. Doug and Carrie are sympathetic, but after they leave, Deacon and Kelly talk about their plans to buy another house the next day, one which isn’t near the Heffernans. Mary Mouser is the little girl Marissa. Shawn Huang is the little boy Chi Long. 8/26/21
• 180. G’Night Stalker – 11/21/2005
  • As Doug and Carrie and their friends get ready to head out for an evening of Karaoke, Spence tries to get Doug to make a prank call to Danny to give him results from the ‘lab’. However Doug just hands over the script to Danny when he walks in. Doug tells Spence that he’s not a prankster, but merely a victim. At the bar that night, Carrie forces Doug to get up and sing Brandy (You’re a Fine Girl), which is incredibly awkward at first, but once he gets into it, he performs well and impresses not only Carrie, but the waitress Angela (Mindy Spence). The next night, as the guys get ready to go to a movie, Doug starts getting emails from a someone named ‘cutiepie32’ telling him how great he was singing and that she finds him sexy. Doug becomes fixated on communicating with her, and even returns to do a duet with Carrie of Endless Love, while scanning the audience for the admirer. As soon as he returns home, he checks his messages, and one comes through from her just as Carrie walks in. Once Carrie finds out about it, she nixes the whole communication by blocking her. Doug asks Spence to help him unblock her, but once he does, the stalker reveals herself to be rather jealous and insane, making threats to him, and forcing him to return to the bar and sing I Will Always Love You to her. Doug is scared to death, but as Carrie is trying to attract her own stalkers by singing Santa Baby, Doug returns to sing. He starts getting death threats on the lyrics monitor, and thinks it is from the waitress so he hastily runs out of the bar. She chases him into the parking lot and hands a message that someone gave her, telling Doug to ‘turn around’ in his car. There sits Spence who staged the entire elaborate practical joke to get even with Doug for saying he wasn’t capable of pranking someone. Danny keeps getting denied singing Neil Diamond, while Deacon, despite Doug telling him he’s singing songs that are too white, finally gets to sing Laughter in the Rain. Jim Turner is DJ Ron. 8/26/
• 181. Raygin’ Bulls – 11/28/2005
  • Carrie is touched by the fact that her father is still visiting her mother Sophia’s grave every year for the past twenty years. She decides to go with him this time, even though Arthur doesn’t seem to want her to come. Doug just seems thrilled that he’ll have the weekend to himself. While he is out buying snacks, he runs into his friend Ray Barone at the store, and finds out that his wife and kids are also out of town while their house is getting the floors redone. Doug invites him to stay at his house for the weekend. Doug starts to get bored since they’re doing nothing but watching TV. They decide to go out for a night on the town, so they start out by going to the store and trying on new clothes. They show up at a nightclub in their new duds, and come up with a code word to rescue each other of women start hitting on them too hard. They quickly realize that no women are talking to them, and they wind up in a bet to see who can be the first to get a woman to dance with them. In the process, Ray offends a woman named Vanessa (Rachel Veltri) by offering her money to dance with him, which leads to an altercation with her boyfriend Jake (Bryan Anthony). Consequently Doug and Ray both go home with black eyes. Meanwhile, Arthur covers his wife’s grave with flowers in order to keep Carrie from seeing the inscription. When she finally gets a look at it, she sees that it says that Sophie was the mother of ‘Simone’. Arthur explains that Carrie’s original name was Simone when she was a young girl (Rhiannon Leigh Wryn), but he lost the name to her Uncle Chester (Robert Silver) in a card game, so she had to switch names with her Cousin Carrie. She becomes upset, thinking that her life might have been very different if she had kept her original name, imagining that she was a celebrity on the red carpet, ignoring her limo driver Doug as they drive away. Arthur feels terrible, so he goes to see Chester to try and win the name back. However, he winds up losing Carrie as well, leaving Carrie with the name ‘Midge’. Malcolm Foster Smith is the bouncer. Anna Pheil is Jennifer, Mary Ann Jarou is Sheila, Sarah Spiegel is Sarah, and Leah Remini’s sister Shannon Farrara is JJ, all women who turn down Doug and Ray. Jeff Weidemann is the stock boy. 2/24/22
• 182. Baker’s Doesn’t – 12/19/2005
  • Doug, Carrie, Arthur, and Spence go to see a Farrelly brothers movie since Arthur is afraid of animated chickens. At the theater, Doug and Carrie spot their priest Father Melley (Nick Bakay) who asks them to volunteer for some Christmas work at the church. They have no choice but to agree, so Carrie says she’ll make a cake for the bake sale, and Doug gets assigned to guard the giant Nativity scene. After hearing White Christmas prior to the movie, Arthur and Spence realize they can be set for life financially if they can write a successful Christmas song. While Doug is policing the Nativity, he meets a fellow parishioner Larry Kelly (Benjamin King), and his wife Cathy (Stephanie Brown), who brings Larry a heavier coat and some Minestrone. When Doug calls home to hint around that he’s like a coat and some soup as well, she blows him off and hangs up. He gets annoyed that Carrie doesn’t behave more like a wife, and then gets even more annoyed that she hasn’t started the cake yet. As they get down to the wire, Carrie winds up buying a cake in the store. Doug has had enough of her laziness and destroys the cake, telling Carrie that he was actually proud when he told other people that she was making a cake for the church. Carrie then feels guilty, so she decides to try to la cake on her own, but fails at every turn. Doug even gets his mother on the phone to talk her through it, but the lemon Bundt cake comes out barely larger than a cookie. With time running out, they decide to fake the cake entirely, and then have Doug be the one to purchase the cake at the church. This doesn’t work either, because they are informed that they are selling the cakes Cake Walk style. Doug desperately tries to make sure he is stopped in front of Carrie’s cake during the Cake Walk, but he becomes mesmerized by Cathy’s volcano cake, and misses out on buying Carrie’s fake cake. Larry ends up with Carrie’s cake, but when he opens it, he finds that it is a couch pillow covered in frosting, so Doug and Carrie bid a hasty retreat out of the church. When Arthur and Spence have the kids choir at the Queens Center mall try their Christmas song, Arthur thinks it is rubbish, so they go to work on a Hanukah song, a Kwanza song, a Columbus Day, and a song about Wednesday, all with no success. Arthur goes to see Chicken Little by himself, and is terrified that night. Dennis Howard is the voice of the announcer. Members of the choir are Aaron Page, Ryan Dyer, David Bachman, Casey Hands, Tessa Grady, Deena Brooks, and Annmarie Rizzo. 2/24/22
• 183. Fresh Brood – 1/6/2006
  • Doug is watching TV with Deacon and Bobby (Jonathan Loughran) when Danny comes over with the baby of his ex-girlfriend Tania (Daniella Kuhn). When he won’t let Doug hold the baby, Doug decides he wants to have one of his own so he can refuse allowing Danny to hold him. Carrie thinks the notion is ridiculous, and she refuses to have a baby, especially for that reason. Doug then takes this personally and asks Danny to borrow the baby for a while. When Danny realizes this will give him some freedom, he gladly lets Doug take her. It does annoy Carrie when he brings the baby home, but soon he has no idea what to do with her, so he tells Danny to pick her up. When Carrie keeps badgering him, he decides to keep the baby even longer, and Danny heads off to the casinos. With no idea how to take care of her, Doug goes to a baby store for advice, and the clerk Rebecca (Jennifer Tabe) suggest he join the Moms group that is going on. He gets advice from fellow mothers Lindsay (Robin Lee Noll) and Sarah (Peggy Lane O’Rourke), and digs within his heart to become a super child care giver. He continues with the group and suddenly seems to be running it, giving advice on sex to Amy (Nadine Ellis) and tips on breast feeding to Jennifer (Lori Hall). Even Carrie is impressed with Doug’s dedication and starts to soften on the baby. She even tries holding her, which is short-lived when ‘Mooky’ starts crying. When Danny’s girlfriend returns and finds out that Danny doesn’t have the baby, she panics and calls the police, so Danny is forced to hastily pick the baby up, causing Doug to have to bid a tearful goodbye. Meanwhile, Arthur becomes hellbent at being named the Customer of the Month at Java House, but the manager Gloria (Amy Stiller) tells him he seldom buys anything and is not a good customer in general. Arthur has his friend George pretend to choke on a fish hook at the coffee shop, and pretends to save him, but this gets no traction. Finally, Arthur does some internet research and finds that Gloria had been arrested for petty theft, so he blackmails her into making him the Customer of the Month. He hangs around the shop introducing himself to everyone, but then he sees a larger photo of the Employee of the Month… so he asks for an application. 7/1/22
• 184. Gambling N’Diction – 1/23/2006
  • Carrie calls Doug to let him know she will be working late and can’t pick up Doug’s mother at the airport. Doug is having a ‘missing salsa’ emergency before his poker game with Danny, Spence, and Jimmy, so he sends a cab to pick her up. Carrie is working extra because Tom Weaver has left the company, and Carrie asks her boss Sherry (Mindy Sterling) if she might qualify for the job. Sherry tells her that she certainly has the capabilities, but her New York accent might be a turn-off to the board members. Carrie goes home sullen and tells Doug and his friends about her situation, and Spence steps out of the poker game to offer to tutor her on diction. Doug’s mother sits in his place, and manages to clean everyone out. Carrie gets frustrated with Spence’s training, especially the way he puts his hands all over her face and puts his fingers in her mouth to achieve the sounds. Before she realizes it, she starts to lose the accent on key words, so she confidently sets up an interview. Meanwhile, Doug realizes what a great player his mother is, and talks her into entering a high-stakes game at O’Dooley’s. She isn’t really interested, but he presents it as him and her spending time together, and they attend some low level local games to build up the funds for the $1000 entry fee. They enter the big game with Mr. Monohan (John Sterling Carter), Carlo (Carlos Cervantes), and their friends, and Doug feigns illness so that Janet has to sit in for him. Doug starts to get incredibly irritated when she starts losing, so he demands that she play for blood and win big. They wind up with $3400 in winnings, but she is irritated that Doug was less interested in spending time with her than winning money. He offers to give the money back, and she calls his bluff… so instead he takes her to see Spamalot. Carrie has her interview with Linda Dugan (Mandy June Turpin), Marcus (Geoffrey Wade), and Jack (Weston Nathanson), and although her diction is perfect, she has failed to study up on any of Tom Weaver’s projects. When it becomes clear that she isn’t getting the job, she also criticizes Linda’s Southern accent, which leads Linda to ultimately work with Spence to correct it. 7/1/22
• 185. Apartment Complex – 2/6/2006
  • Doug brings his friends home for some poker, only to be kicked out by Carrie because she is trying to do work in the dining room. They head over to Szechuan Village, where they notice that there is an apartment attached to the restaurant and decide to rent it as a getaway. They work with the restaurant manager Mr. Soo (James Hong), who tells them that his mother died in the room when she was hit be a ceiling fan. Doug gathers some of his belongings from the house and tells Carrie that they are things he is going to sell on eBay. Arthur asks him to try his potato chip that looks like Richard Nixon. Doug and his friends all move in and start hanging out there where they play cards, Connect Four, and bologna toss. Then after Doug eats the Nixon chip, they realize that they’ve gotten bored, so they all move out. Doug returns home, but when he walks in on an argument between Arthur and Carrie because Arthur has borrowed Carrie’s lipstick and circled areas of his body he wants the doctor to look at, he decides to move back into the apartment. This time he makes the apartment nice and insists that his guests remove their shoes and use coasters for their drinks. In order to afford the apartment, Doug begins working at Szechuan Village. Meanwhile, Carrie works with actress Kirstie Alley (herself) to find her a condo. Kirstie is trying to lose weight, so she won’t eat any of the food that the company tries to feed her. Instead, she vicariously enjoys food by watching others seat, so she keeps forcing Carrie to eat a multitude of doughnuts and snacks. After a bad visit at a potential condo, Carrie tries to court her into staying by offering to eat Chinese food for her. They order the food from Szechuan, but when Doug sees that he is delivering it to Carrie’s office, he sneaks out and leaves the food in the parking lot. Carrie goes to complain to the restaurant and finds Doug in his apartment. He tries to explain why he got it to just get away, and she decides to spend some time there with him so she can get away from Kirstie forcing her to eat. Juan Carlos Cantu is Hector. Lucille Soong is Lili.  10/20/22
• 186. Buggie Nights – 2/27/2006
  • While eating a sandwich in bed, Doug realizes that the ‘poppyseeds’ on his sandwich are actually bedbugs that came back on bed sheets that Arthur stole from a motel in Boynton Beach, Florida. They call an exterminator named Pete (Chris Elliot), who tells them that it will cost $1100 to get rid of them. Doug decides that instead of spending the money, they will just use a bug bomb. Carrie sets it off before Doug can get his Hot Pocket out of the microwave, causing him to pass out. It is all for naught, as the bomb doesn’t correct the issue, but only makes the bugs ‘horny’, according to Pete. Meanwhile, Danny and Spence argue about where they are going to take their vacation. Spence wants to go to the Aztec ruins for an archaeological dig, while Danny wants to go to Las Vegas. They decide to settle the argument by having a wrestling match in their apartment and using Deacon as the referee. The match seems to go on all night while Deacon eats their leftover Chinese food. Eventually he leaves, which leaves Danny and Spence in a stalemate. When Doug and Carrie get in a fight over the bugs, Doug tries to stay with Deacon, but they won’t let him in because Carrie warns them about the bedbugs. In retaliation, Doug sends a mass email to Carrie’s co-workers, and they all start to shun her. Even Flora and her grandson Frederick (Cody Klop) flee when they run into her. Doug and Carrie bring Pete back and he tells them that since the bugs have multiplied, the cost will now be $2500 to take care of them. They also have to leave the house for several days. In order to avoid the cost of a motel, they sleep in the car. When their neighbor Phil Hauser (Mookie Barker) tries to talk to them while they are trying to sleep, they decide to stay out all night. When they actually consider the offers of two swingers whom they meet at a bar named Mike (Michael C. Mahon) and Nancy (Margaret Easley) just to have a place to sleep, they then toy with using the voucher they got from the Boynton Beach motel because of the bed bugs. Instead, they offer it to Danny and Spence who jump at the chance for a Florida vacation. While Danny and Spence sit in their beds scratching madly, Doug and Carrie pontificate on why Spence and Danny have a wrestling mat on their floor. John Dullaghan is the bartender. 10/22/22
• 187. Knee Jerk – 3/6/2006
  • When Doug gives Carrie a hard time about picking up a rented suit for her cousin’s Wiccan wedding, she hits Doug while he is at the top of the stairs, causing him to fall down the stairs and injure his leg. Doug gives Carrie a guilt trip, which does in fact cause her to feel bad. When she begins bringing him home food that he likes, both he and Deacon note that he could easily take advantage of her waiting on him hand and foot. Meanwhile, Doug goes for his physical therapy at the New York Sports Club, where he and his friends notice guys playing Slamball, which is basketball on trampolines. They guys have a worker named Rick (Thomas Mills) add their names to the waiting list. After testing the waters by having Carrie make him relish out of his burger pickles, he begins having her do all kinds of things for him: give him massages, feed him shrimp, put up movie posters in the living room, and take him to a strip club. However, when he returns to his therapist Jon (Paul Bond), he finds that he has fully recovered early. Instead of embracing the recovery, he decides to pretend that he has suffered a setback to keep Carrie waiting on him. He even manages to get her to tell him that he can’t go to her cousin’s wedding. Danny and Spence announce that they received a call that they now have an appointment to play Slamball. Doug then develops a plan to miraculously recover after she returns so that he can play Slamball. Arthur overhears his plan, and blackmails Doug into getting Carrie to do things for him as well. He decides to play Slamball anyway by drugging Arthur to fall asleep and then telling Carrie he’s going to his physical therapy. Arthur manages to scrawl out the words “Help Doug” before he passes out. Carrie finds this and heads to the Sports Club. She finds out from Jon that Doug recovered a week earlier. She is even more furious when she finds him playing Slamball. She stalks him on the trampolines, until she realizes she is having fun. Doug makes her forget her anger, but then hits his head on the basketball hoop and knocks himself out. 2/26/23
• 188. Present Tense – 3/13/2006
  • Doug and Carrie are celebrating their 11th anniversary with a small gathering at their house with Deacon and Kelly, Danny, Spence, and Lou and Carla Ferrigno. Although Carrie had specified no gifts, Deacon and Kelly give them a painting of them that they had commissioned. Doug and Carrie are appalled by the painting as Carrie’s right arm is huge and Doug has a giant forehead and rabbit teeth. Doug thinks they should hang it because of their friendship, but Carrie refuses. They decide to put it in the closet and pretend they are looking for a place to hang it. Deacon later comes over and insists that he help hang it in the living room, even putting an art lamp on it. Meanwhile, Spence and Danny feel bad that they didn’t get a gift and think they had better get something since Doug and Carrie always use Deacon and Kelly as their go-to couple. They offer to prepare a romantic meal for Doug and Carrie, but they aren’t interested. However, they suggest that their gift could be to break into the house and steal the painting. Doug and Carrie arrive at the house with Deacon and Kelly after a night out, only to find the painting gone. As Deacon and Kelly drive home, they discuss the fact that they had purposely given them a repulsive gift after they gave them a set of horrible jazz statues and forced them to prominently display them in their living room. To rectify the situation, Deacon and Kelly have yet another painting done, this time with Doug not looking so bad. Still, Carrie wants to admit that they hate the painting, but before they can even get it out, Deacon and Kelly admit that they hate the jazz statues. Doug and Carrie take the jazz statues in a huff and storm out. Kelly and Deacon don’t care, but they’re thrilled to tell the kids that the scary statues are gone. As they later play Truth or Dare with Spence and Danny, Doug rushes out to call Deacon and Kelly to make up. 2/26/23
• 189. Sold-Y Locks – 3/20/2006
  • While they are out to eat, Carrie notices a guy staring at her, so she sends Doug over to see what he wants. It turns out that he is a wigmaker named Edward Brill (Bill A. Jones) who is interested in buying Carrie’s hour for somewhere around $3000. Doug is finally able to talk to her about this and convince her that they could really use the money. Although Doug wants to buy a pizza oven, while Carrie wants to go on a cruise with Deacon and Kelly. She gets all of her chopped off, and Doug hates it when it winds up looking like Moe Howard. When Deacon and Kelly come to meet them to head out on the cruise, they also find that it looks terrible. No one has the heart to tell her, but Arthur tells her that she looks like his friend Frank Medford (Pat Harrington Jr.), causing him to think that Frank might be Carrie’s real father. He brings Spence over to help him determine if he’s the father, and Spence suggests using a DNA test. Arthur manages to pull out some of Frank’s hair before he leaves. Doug and Carrie enjoy an evening of dancing with Robert Goulet (himself) providing the musical entertainment. After the dance, Doug and Carrie run into Goulet, and while Carrie runs to get the camera to get a picture with him, Doug tells Goulet how terrible her hair looks and how she looks like Pete Rose. Carrie is able to figure out what Doug was saying after questioning Goulet. Carrie gets upset and starts packing to go home. He talks her into staying since they are on a ship, but she kicks him out of the room, forcing him to stay in Deacon and Kelly’s room. Doug ends up bothering Robert Goulet so that he can see the show’s wig collection, one of which he takes for Carrie to wear without being so self-conscience. This one works too well, causing a guy named Jacob (Jonathan Buono) to ask her to dance, followed by a slew of other guys. Doug gets so annoyed that he goes out on deck to be alone. Carrie follows him out and finds it cute that Doug is jealous. Doug winds up pulling off the wig and wearing it himself. Robert Goulet passes by and tells Doug he just could’ve told it that the wig was for himself. Doug winds apologizing to Carrie while wearing the wig. Kelly makes Deacon wear a Rick James wig when they hit the bed that night. 7/30/23
• 190. Emotional Rollercoaster – 4/10/2006
  • Doug celebrates his 40th birthday with friends at his house. Danny gets him a grasper, which he can’t seem to put down. Carrie’s friend Lisa tells her how her husband freaked out when he turned 40 and realized he hadn’t done much with his life, causing him to turn his life around and got back into shape, started his own business, and is taking her to Paris. Deacon doesn’t think he is freaking out either but speculates he could have some bottled-up regrets… but Doug is too busy enjoying his grasper. Doug tells Carrie that he has no regrets whatsoever, and that he’s accomplished more than he ever thought possible. However, the next day Doug remembers that he regrets not riding the Goliath rollercoaster at Thrill Mountain, which he chickened out riding when he was in his twenties with his father. Deacon then warns Doug that Carrie seemed to be upset that Doug wasn’t having a mid-life crisis. While Deacon has decided to go through the management training program at IPS, Doug tells Carrie that he is having a crisis after all. He tells her that he plans on quitting and going into something else. This panics Carrie, and she decides he’d rather he just stay where he is. To appease her further, he tells her that he’s going to go through the training program as well. That Saturday, Doug, Carrie, Arthur, Spence, Danny, Deacon, and Major all head to Thrill Mountain. Doug and Carrie head to Goliath, and Arthur tags along with Deacon and Major to the carousel. Arthur offers to sit in a wheelchair so that they can go to the front of all the lines. Danny and Spence walk around looking for women. They buy an ice cream from a woman (Peggy Lane O’Rourke) dressed in a strawberry ice cream cone outfit. Although he can’t see her face, Spence immediately falls for her. When Deacon takes Arthur to the bathroom, he is forced to pick him and carry him into the stall when an employee named Mario (Richie Minervini) comes into the restroom. Spence decides to return to the ice cream stand to find his strawberry ice cream girl, but she has been replaced with a chocolate cone. Doug and Carrie run into Doug’s boss O’Boyle, Carrie tries to thank him for getting him into the management program. Doug keeps pushing her along in the line, until he finally admits that he never signed up for it. Carrie is so annoyed with him that she makes him ride the rollercoaster alone. Arthur keeps bribing Deacon to buy him food and a giant sombrero, threatening to start walking if he doesn’t. Deacon calls his bluff, telling Arthur that he has a good thing going getting wheeled around. Arthur starts walking and they all get thrown out of the park. Spence spends some time getting to know the cone. He kisses her but won’t let her take off the mask. Danny winds up hitting on the chocolate ice cream cone, but when the mask comes off, it winds up being Mario. Erin Gibson is the woman in line who points out the gap. 7/30/23
• 191. Four Play – 5/1/2006
  • Arthur tries to offer advice to Carrie based on the short time he worked on the TV series Sesame Street and had issues with Big Bird, but Carrie is too rushed to listen to him because she is headed to the movies to meet Doug, Deacon, and Kelly. When they arrive at the theater, Doug and Kelly want to see Blood Thieves 2, while Deacon and Carrie want to see Bon Vivant. They agree to all see the movie they want. Meanwhile, Arthur tries to impart his knowledge and wisdom to George, but George walks out of the coffee shop. Arthur then overhears a waitress named Gloria (Amy Stiller) asking a co-worker Hugo (Kevin Michael Walsh) for relationship advice, but since Hugo is stoned, Arthur offers her unsolicited advice. After the couples finish seeing their movies, Deacon and Carrie both talk about how much they’d like to see the International Film Series, so Doug agrees to go with Kelly to take her kids go-cart racing, while Deacon and Carrie see the movie. This continues through various activities, and Carrie actually becomes impressed with the improvements Doug is making in his life thanks to Kelly. Doug thinks Carrie seems happier too. However, Doug and Carrie have trouble trying to find time for each other as they’re always busy with Deacon and Kelly. When the four of them get together, it seems as if the couples have switched. Soon Doug and Kelly start bickering like a married couple, and Doug starts trying to interfere with the parenting of Deacon and Kelly’s kids. Soon Doug and Kelly ‘separate’, but when Carrie continues her plans with Deacon, Doug tells Carrie that she is his wife and now it isn’t right for she and Deacon to hang out. Gloria tells Arthur that she and her boyfriend got back together thanks to his advice, so she asks him for more advice about buying a condo. However, when Hugo asks Arthur for advice on gambling, he also reveals to Arthur that Gloria said to ask for Arthur’s advice… and then do the opposite. When Arthur hears this, he then gives Gloria the opposite advice he would normally give about asking for a raise, causing her to lose her job and her apartment. Arthur is okay with this outcome since she hurt his feelings. Doug decides to go along with Deacon and Carrie to one of the international films and becomes so bored he starts to make a scene. Deacon becomes embarrassed, and then just finds the whole thing strange, and leaves the theater. Doug and Carrie agree to do more things that the other wants to do, starting with Doug and go-cart racing. Later at the next international film, a woman (Cheryl Bricker) overhears Doug complaining and agree with him, so the two of them go see Angel of Death, while her boyfriend moves next to Carrie. Richie Minervini is the man asking questions at the movies. 11/28/23
• 192. Hartford Wailer – 5/8/2006
  • Doug is looking forward to a weekend of watching Planet of the Apes films and eating Twizzlers with Carrie on the couch, but she tells him that she is participating in her boss’s program building houses for Houses Across America in Hartford over the weekend. Doug is annoyed by the whole thing, but later he decides to drive to Hartford to surprise her. Meanwhile, Danny and Spence stop by Doug’s house and tells him that they waited too long to get tickets to the Huey Lewis concert. When Danny notices that Doug has an Event Staff jacket, he gets the idea that Spence could get one as well, and that they could pretend they work for the concert venue and see the show. Carrie goes the house-building orientation with her friends Dawn and Lisa, and when they find out their boss Mr. Dugan flew down to the opening of a Hooters Hotel and isn’t coming back until the ‘thank you’ dinner, Carrie talks them into blowing off the work and just having a party weekend. When Carrie goes back to the room to get ready for a night out, she finds out that Doug has shown up and brought his Planet of the Apes movies. Danny and Spence take on the role as security guards and are given an assignment by their ‘boss’ Keith (Jere Burns) to bounce a couple of drunks who snuck in. Danny is mostly interested in hooking up with the groupies, while Spence just wants to meet Huey Lewis (himself) and is scared of getting caught and thrown out. He winds up with a black eye from the drunks and gets assigned to give the drummer’s monkey Mr. Jingles his antibiotics. Carrie gets a call from her friends that they are ready to go out, so she tells Doug that she has to take some evening seminars and encourages him to go home. On his way out, he tries to sign Carrie up for a massage the next day, but the desk clerk James (Michael Merton) tells him that she is already signed up for two massages. Doug then spies Carrie and her friends heading out for a night on the town. When she returns to her room, she finds that Doug is back in bed watching TV. Doug then tells her that he is going to stay to help build the house. The next day as she gets ready to mix the hot tar, she has to buy aspirin from a roach coach vendor (Larry Newman). Doug takes advantage of her hangover and drives her crazy with the noise from his drill. When Doug confronts her about her lies, she admits and says she just needed some time to party and relax. After Spence has to fix Huey Lewis’s toilet, Danny takes the credit for it, so Spence tells on him that he doesn’t even work there. Huey Lewis overhears this and accuses Spence of ratting out his friend, so he throws Spence out, as he tells him that he’s his biggest fan. Doug and Carrie go to the ‘thank you’ brunch and gets their thanks from Mr. Dugan. He then announces that as a final act of charity, there is a ‘giving tree’ with leaves that have a household item written on it, so that each person can buy the Larkin family an item to put in their new home. Doug and Carrie get in a fight and start taking multiple leaves to out-do each other. When they overhear Flora say that she has to get them a washer dryer, they look at their leaves and see multiple high-dollar items. Doug tries to return their leaves by knocking the tree over and dropping the leaves. Dugan has them pick another leaf and they wind up with a flatscreen TV. Huey Lewis apologizes to Spence for being so hard on him, just as Spence enters a room to feed Mr. Jingles. Sharon Farrara is Desiree. Nicole Remini is Sara, the hot tar girl. Michael Richard Robinson is the guard that Spence is scared of. Kadyr Gutierrez is Randall the elevator boy, billed as Adam in the credits. 11/29/23
• 193. Fight Schlub – 5/15/2006
  • Carrie agrees to mentor a troubled team as part of her work program. Meanwhile, Doug and his co-workers Deacon, Danny, and Jimmy have a run-in at Cooper’s with drivers from Priority Plus when they purposely sit at the “IPS table.” They have words with each other before the IPS drivers ultimately decide to leave. Later, Doug gets his truck stuck in the drive-thru at Rally’s, and one of the same Priority Plus drivers, Jack (Adam Ferrara) helps him out and gives him a tow. While they are riding together in the Priority Plus truck, they discover they have a lot in common, as Jack was also fat when he was younger. They also realize they have a mutual love of Neil Diamond and agree to go to the concert together. Carrie’s troubled teen Gina (Blythe Auffarth) is a wild girl, and she talks Carrie into ditching out on their meal when the waitress Kim (Ginger Williams) snubs them. After that stunt, Carrie convinces Gina to skip school, sneak into the movies, and also provides her with a fake ID so that they can go clubbing. Arthur catches wind of this and criticizing Carrie and tries to send her to her room and take her allowance away. Doug goes to great lengths to make sure his co-workers don’t know that he is socializing with Jack, but when the pressure becomes too great, he cracks and sings like a canary. Gina talks with her real mother, who is getting her act together, and decides to skip going out partying with Carrie in favor of buckling down and doing well herself. Carrie tries to talk her out of being a ‘good girl’ but then realizes she has been a horrible mentor and urges her to go. Doug goes to meet Jack for the concert and realizes that it has been a trick. The other Priority Plus guys jump Doug in the alley and wrap him up in bubble wrap. Doug eats crow with his friends, and they decide to stand up to the guys at Cooper’s. When they get there, they confront each other, with each group bringing reinforcements. A massive rumble ensues and the IPS guys are soundly destroyed, before it is revealed that it is all in Doug’s mind. The IPS guys concede their booth and are relegated to a small table by the restroom. NOTE: The character of Jack is billed as Joe in the credits. Marco Asante is Priority Plus driver Chris. 4/9/24
• 194. Acting Out – 5/22/2006
  • Spence and Danny have Doug and Carrie over to eat to celebrate their two-year anniversary of moving in together. Spence produces a napkin on which Danny promised that if they were still broke, single, and living together, Spence could have his larger room. However, Danny refuses to honor the request and storms out. When Doug and Carrie get home, they find firetrucks there and are told by a fireman named Ed (Jackie Flynn) that Arthur was cooking bacon over a can of gasoline in the basement and started a small fire. That night as Doug rages to Carrie, she agrees that it is time to find Arthur a retirement home to live. Doug is thrilled and starts to make plans to turn his basement back into a media room. While he and Deacon are cleaning out Arthur’s thing, Doug finds his chest full of old Broadway programs and video tapes of many of Arthur’s acting gigs. He confronts Arthur about them and is told that it was Arthur’s dream to become an actor, but when his dancing girl lover became pregnant with Carrie, he gave it all up so that she could have a more stable home. He tells Doug that he doesn’t want Carrie to know. Doug starts to pity Arthur and tries to convince Carrie that she might not want to force him to move out. He also asks for Arthur’s permission to tell Carrie what a nice thing he did for her. Arthur declines and tells him that it is the one thing that he did that he is proud of, and he doesn’t want to spoil it for Carrie by having her ask him to stay at the house. Doug resigns himself to Arthur moving out and begins working with a sound system guy named Burt (Mike Burton) to get the basement in order. However, when Nurse Berman (Robin Lee Noll) shows Arthur around the nursing home, he finds it degrading and sad, and decides he doesn’t want to move. When he tells this to Doug, he gets angry since he already has work in the basement in motion. Carrie winds up taking her father to the home, as Doug settles into his new man cave in the basement. Carrie thinks it all came off well, but suddenly has pangs of guilt and wants to bring Arthur home. However, as much as he hates losing his room again, he has already brought Arthur back home. Spence moves into Danny’s room while he is at work and bolts all of his furniture to the floor. Since Danny can’t remove Spence’s things, he moves his own things back into the room. They spend their first night in the bedroom talking all night. Danny decides to let Spence have the room, but Spence suggests that they both stay in the room and set up the other room as a game room with a spare bed in case one of them gets lucky with a girl. Danny thinks they might get more use out of a Foosball table but agrees with Spence. 4/10/24

SEASON 9

• 195. Mama Cast – 12/6/2006
  • Carrie has to show off a model home, so she sends Doug to talk to their financial advisor Steve to come up with something in which to invest their $3000 tax return. On the way there, Doug stops at an ice cream truck and sees that the owner Cal (John David Conti) has it for sale. Meanwhile, Carrie goes to show off the house and finds that her boss Mr. Kaufman (Victor Raider-Wexler) has stocked with actors portraying a family with the thought that it will help convince potential buyers that the house is family ready. Since the mother actress hasn’t shown up, Mr. Kaufman tells Carrie that she has to stand in with the husband Bob (Shawn Michael Patrick), daughter Charlotte (Hayley Erin), and son Kenny (Paul Butcher). She thinks it is ridiculous, but when she helps mediate an argument between the two kids and is complimented by a customer named Margo (Victoria Hoffman), she suddenly starts to enjoy the faux motherhood. Doug shows up at home with the Dr. Frosty truck, which he bought with the $3000. Carrie is furious at first, but then thinks Doug might actually be able to make it work. On his first day of selling, Doug notices that there seems to be a Mr. Soft Serve truck stalking him. A kid in line named Jack (Brannon Johnson) tells Doug that he is set up where Mr. Soft Serve usually sells. On his way home, Doug is run off the road by the Mr. Soft Serve truck and later is nearly mowed down while using a port-a-let toilet. Carrie continues to be a mom to the entire fake family at the house to the point that she starts to fall in love with them. Carrie tries to tell Doug how much she wants to have a family of his own, but he is too preoccupied with setting up his defense of a trophy duct-taped to a wiffle ball bat against Mr. Soft Serve. Doug later tries to break into the garage to put a frozen banana in the tailpipe of the Mr. Soft Serve truck, but it just blows it out and nearly runs over Doug. The next time that Carrie reports to work, she is told that casting finally sent over an actress named Cheryl (Clea Montville) to replace her. Mr. Kaufman tells her that he is replacing her because the family complained that she was making them feel uncomfortable. Carrie reads them all the riot act and tells Bob that he will never be able to stare at her breasts again. He reveals that he is gay. Doug sells the Dr. Frosty truck back to Cal for only $1200. He immediately puts it back up for sale and entertains another buyer named Sam (Richie Minervini). It is revealed by Gus’s snakeskin boots that it was him driving the Mr. Soft Serve truck. Carrie attempts to make Doug some cookies like she did at the house, but she is disgusted by the way he scarfs them down. Matthew J. Evans is Ethan, the back cutter. Carlos McCullers II is Connor, the boy with the candy necklace. 8/28/24
• 196. Affair Trade – 12/6/2006
  • A woman named Jessica (Leigh-Allyn Baker) calls and leaves a message for Doug indicating that she had had a steamy affair in the Hamptons with him. Although the message is obviously for another Doug Heffernan, he worries that Carrie might hear it and get jealous. When Doug receives another call from Jessica, he tries to tell her that he is not the guy, but when Carrie comes home in the middle of their conversation, he doesn’t get to tell her. At one point he even tells her that he loves her. The next morning, she keeps calling and hanging up on Carrie, but he finally talks to her again after she leaves. Doug now thinks she is obsessed with him, so he breaks it off with her. Although he never actually did anything, Doug starts to feel guilty that he has taken Carrie for granted. Meanwhile, Spence thinks a waitress named Sienna (Steffiana De La Cruz) at Cooper’s is into him. When Danny keeps leaving bigger tips that Spence, he thinks it is because Danny fears that he will hook up with her and move out from their apartment. Finally, Spence gives her a $100 tip, which causes Sienna to get creeped out and tell him that she is not for sale. While Doug is pampering Carrie at home, Jessica calls and leaves a message that Carrie can hear telling her how much she loves and misses him. Doug tries to play it off as a joke, but Carrie demands an explanation. When Doug tells the truth, she believes him and laughs it off, which causes Doug to be offended that Carrie doesn’t think Doug could ever have anyone that hot for him. Carrie then starts to become curious about the Doug Heffernan, the doctor with whom Jessica actually had the affair. Also, Jessica’s boyfriend Hector (Angelo Pagan) calls and threatens Doug. Spence makes Danny talk to Sienna to make sure she knows that Spence doesn’t think she is a prostitute. When Danny talks to her, he finds out that Sienna really did like him after all. This causes Danny to freak out and worry about Spence moving out, which again, creeps Sienna out. Danny tells Spence that Sienna is a lesbian, so they go off to Ikea together to make Spence feel better. Carrie tries to make an appointment with Dr. Heffernan but can’t get one. Hector comes looking for Doug, so Carrie decides to go with him to show him the real Doug Heffernan, mostly so she can see him for herself. Doug goes to visit Jessica and explains the true story about what has happened. He takes her to see Dr. Heffernan so that he can save himself from Hector’s wrath. All four of them convene at Dr. Heffernan’s office. Doug is annoyed that Carrie isn’t even jealous when she sees him with another woman. Dr. Heffernan’s (Lou Saliba) secretary, Mildred (Marcia Ann Burrs), tells him another one of his women is there to see him. Heffernan, an older, small, bald man, recognizes her as the girl from the Hamptons and decides to sneak out the back. Later a man calls for Doug, saying that he is the guy who met him on Fire Island. Carrie is suspicious of this, and Doug is incredulous that Carrie believes the man, but did not believe Jessica. NOTE: The character of Hector is listed as Derek in the credits. 8/30/24

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