The Terrible Catsafterme

SEASON 1 – CBS

Created by Bernard Slade

Theme song: “Love Is Crazy” by Jerry Fielding (music) and Diane Hildebrand (lyrics)

• 001. Bridget Loves Bernie – 9/16/1972
  • Jewish New York cab driver Bernie Steinberg (David Birney) and rich Catholic teacher Bridget Fitzgerald (Meredith Baxter) are in love, despite the obstacle of their religions. Knowing this, they visit Bridget’s brother Mike (Robert Sampson), a priest, for advice. He can only offer his understanding, but warns of their parents’ reactions. The couple visit Bernie’s family – his father Sam (Harold J. Stone), mother Sophie (Bibi Osterwald), and uncle Moe Plotnik (Ned Glass), and Bridget ends up sick from the Jewish food. Then they visit Bridget’s family – her father Walter (David Doyle) and mother Amy (Audra Lindley). After mistakenly thinking that Bernie’s black friend Otis Foster (William Elliot) is Bernie, they are relieved to find out that he is only Jewish. Still the diner is uncomfortable as they try to appease him by serving him something other than ham. Bernie almost breaks it off due to all the potential problems, but Bridget talks him into eloping. When the couple do not come home, their worried families all get together and eventually find them both in bed. They are somewhat relieved to find that they are married, and all hold a reception with their new in-laws. Uncle Moe hides the Fitzgeralds’ hub caps for fear that their German car would be robbed in the Jewish neighborhood. Ivor Barry plays the Fitzgeralds’ butler Charles. 1/14/14
• 002. A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Vatican – 9/23/1972
  • Sophie and Amy are both selling raffle tickets to their respective churches. They agree to exchange a ticket and Sophie ends up winning two tickets to Rome and the opportunity to meet  the Pope. Walter becomes jealous since had purchased lots of raffle tickets, so he purchases two plane tickets to Israel in hopes that the Steinbergs will want to trade him. They do of course, but neither party will make the request for fear of insulting the other party. Eventually Uncle Moe intercedes and arranges the exchange, which great pleases both Bridget and Bernie, as this means they can spend some time alone together without both sets of parents continuously barging in on them. Of course this doesn’t stop Moe’s latest squeeze Shirley (Maxine Semon) from stopping in. 1/14/14
• 003. Wake Up We’re Getting Married Today – 9/30/14
  • The mothers decide that the kids need to have a religious ceremony in addition to the civil service they already had, but they misunderstand whether the wedding will be Catholic or Jewish. Bernie agrees to have a Catholic ceremony and Bridget to have a Jewish one, but the parents won’t budge on their stances. Father Mike proposes that they have a joint service, and everyone agrees, but when the parents start making the wedding larger than they wanted, the kids start fighting among themselves. They reconcile, but then Bridget calls off the wedding when the fathers get into a fight over signing a paper that they will raise the child Catholic. The fathers both apologize, and the wedding goes on in harmony with Mike and Rabbi Golden (Gregory Morton) sharing the ceremony…until Walter offers to pay for food served in Sam’s deli. 1/15/14
• 004. The Last of the Red Hot Playwrights – 10/7/1972
  • After getting another rejection for his most recent manuscript about an Eskimo, Bernie’s parents and in-laws recommend that he write about a subject he know more about. He ends up writing a play called Everybody Has One, which is based on both of the families. Otis meets a producer who agrees to promote the play, but they have trouble finding a theater. Moe pleads with Walter to allow them to use one of the buildings he owns, and he agrees. Despite efforts to keep their parents away, they show up anyway. The Steinbergs only recognize the characterizations of the Fitzgeralds, not themselves. But Walter recognizes himself and thinks about suing. The play gets a lousy review, stating that the playwright wrote about subjects he knows nothing about. 1/15/14
• 005. Who’s Watching the Store? – 10/14/1972
  • The elder Steinbergs go away for a wedding and Bernie agrees to watch the deli, but then has to give Otis a ride to go to a commercial audition. Bridget agrees to watch the store, and when the lunch rush hits, her mother and brother end up helping her, much to her father’s chagrin. During the busy time, city health inspector Parfel (Lou Cutell) checks out the store and replaces their ‘A’ rating with a ‘C’. When the Steinbergs return, they are understandably upset and Sam holds the Fitzgerald family responsible. Walter offers to talk to one of his connections, and Uncle Moe insists that by giving Parfel some free food, they can get the score back up to an A. Bernie suggest that they try and come by it the honest way so he invites him back and then goes to work getting the deli into tip-top shape. They end up with an A, and peace is restored to the families. 2/4/14
• 006. The Newlybeds – 10/21/1972
  • Bridget and Bernie’s bed keeps collapsing, so they go out shopping to find a new bed. Meanwhile, the Fitzgeralds postpone their trip out of town for the weekend to buy their kids and expensive bed, and the Steinbergs use their vacation to buy them a bed as well. Bridget and Bernie return home with a waterbed, only to find two more beds in their house. When the parents find out that they have each gotten a bed, soon it becomes a ‘popularity contest’ that the kids want no part of. They set up their water bed, which immediately starts to leak. Trying to be good sports, the parents get together and have their original bed fixed to spare them from having to make the decision. As soon as the lights go out, the bed collapses once again. 2/5/14
• 007. Happiness Is Just a Thing Called Moe – 10/28/1972
  • Walter’s sister is in town from Chicago, lamenting the death her husband three years earlier. Mike suggests that she be hooked up on a date and suggests to Bridget and Bernie that the date be Uncle Moe. Once they are convinced, Bridget is then put in charge of convincing Moe, which she ultimately does. Moe and Theresa go out and have a wonderful, staying out past one in the morning and worrying everyone. The Steinbergs and Fitzgeralds later argue about how to break them up, not wanting the to marry outside their respective faiths, but Bridget and Bernie finally get them to bless the union. When Moe shows up, he says that he’s already proposed to her, but she refused. Mike and the kids feel terrible, but Moe is fine with it, admitting that he’s proposed to hundreds of women…at just the right time for them to say no. 3/6/14
• 008. Bernie’s Last Stand – 11/4/1972
  • The Fitzgeralds offer to move Bernie and Bridget into a fancy New York high rise and pay the first year’s rent as a belated wedding present. Bridget is surprised that Bernie is willing to give it a try. After a few days, he decides he wants to move, but building manager Mr. Morrison (John Fiedler) refuses to let them break the lease…until he finds out that Bernie is Jewish. Bernie decides then that they will stay purely on principle, but suddenly their power and water stop working. Walter is irate and helps them stage a loud party to which the Steinbergs show up for support. Walter confronts the landlord and wants to talk to the building landlord, but eventually finds out that the corporation who owns the building is a subsidiary of his own company. Walter fires Morrison and opens the building up to everyone. Bernie and Bridget move back to their old apartment to the delight of his parents. 3/10/14
• 009. How to Be a Jewish Mother – 11/11/1972
  • When Bernie doesn’t eat all of his ham for breakfast, Sophie convinces Bridget that Bernie must miss some of the Jewish traditions that he grew up with. Much to her parents’ chagrin, Bridget then goes overboard learning the customs, meals, and holidays of the faith – the the point that Bernie becomes annoyed with her zealous Jewish behavior and insistence that they observe Tisha B’av. Bernie turns to Mike for advice, and they come up with a plan where Bernie will take on the Catholic prayers and traditions at a dinner with Mr. and Mrs. Fitzgerald. Bridget realizes that they should love one another for who they are, and not their religions. 6/2/14
• 010. The Little White Lie That Grew and Grew and Grew – 11/18/1972
  • Bernie’s aunt Ruth (Nancy Walker) returns from Europe and plans to stop in for a visit en route back to her home in Cincinnati. Bernie and the Steinbergs become concerned because Ruth is a devout Jewish woman who fancies herself a matchmaker. Bridget agrees to act Jewish for the duration of her visit, and when Ruth expresses interest in meeting her parents, the Fitzgeralds reluctantly agree to act Jewish as well. They nearly pull it off until Mike shows up with Amy’s favorite aunt Agnes (Nora Marlowe), who happens to be a nun. Once the jig is up, Bridget convinces Ruth that they are both learning about each others traditions, and flawlessly recites a Jewish prayer. Ruth declares Bridget to be a ‘rose’. 6/2/14
• 011. The In-Laws Who Came to Dinner – 11/25/1972
  • Amy gives the Steinbergs her basement air conditioner as an anniversary gift, and it immediately causes a fire in their apartment. She offers to let them stay at their townhouse until their apartment gets prepared. Meanwhile Walter is wooing an art collector named Franklin Ross (Martin Ashe) from Indianapolis, who he hopes will donate his 13 million dollar collection of Christian art to the New York Museum of Art on which he serves as a board member. Walter frantically tries to get the Steinbergs out of the house by paying contractors to rush the work in their apartment, while borrowing art from museum to convince Ross that he is an art connoisseur. Ross is actually more impressed by Mike, but is onto the fact that Walter doesn’t really own the art. The Steinbergs are forced to return to the Fitzgeralds’ place when another fire breaks out when the faulty wiring that Walt’s workers failed to fix goes up in smoke. It turns out that Mr. Ross was actually Rosenberg, and was a great friend of Sam’s from high school football. Walt feels that the artwork is in the bag, and Steinbergs prepare for a two-week stay while their wiring is fixed. 8/22/14
• 012. The Homecoming – 12/2/1972
  • Bernie turns down a job offer from Walter, but accepts an invitation from Amy to spend the weekend in their Long Island home. Walter hopes that seeing how the other half live – and how Bridget used to live – will give him the drive to take a job and make more money. Bernie feels like a fish out of water during the weekend, getting kicked off of a horse and falling into the pool, but enjoys a game of pool with Walter. Bernie wins $50 in the game, but then thinks that Walter threw the game. They decide on a rematch for $100, which Bernie ultimately loses. Bernie then packs his clothes and tell Bridget that he is going to take the job that Walter offered so that he can give her a better life. Bridget is insulted and said that her dream is to be the wife of a playwright, so he changes his mind and decides to stick with his craft. Morgan Brittany is Cindy and Micheal Clary is Scott, old friends of Bridget. 8/22/14
• 013. You Are Cordially Not Invited – 12/9/1972
  • The Fitzgeralds are having a party for the United Nations, and they do not want to invite the Steinbergs for fear they will embarrass them. When Sophie finds out that Israel’s Minister of Defense Moshe Dayan will be present, she desperately wants to attend. Bridget threatens to not go if her father doesn’t invite the Steinbergs, which he does…but Sam is insulted that they were an afterthought and refuses the invitation, to the chagrin of Moe and Sophie. Moe works it out with the caterer that he won’t show up, so the Steinbergs end up catering just so that they can meet Dayan. Walter ends up apologizing to the Steinbergs and they all go on and enjoy the party. After their evening with Dayan, they all hang out and dance the Hora. Stafford Repp is Canvendish. 9/19/14
• 014. ‘Tis the Season – 12/16/1972
  • Traditions clash when the Fitzgeralds invite the Steinbergs to their Christmas party, but Sam is too stubborn to attend a Christian celebration, even when they turn it from a party to a family gathering. Mike gets the idea to bring his friend Rabbi Lieberman (Shelly Novack) to the dinner, but Sam questions the rabbi’s faith and still refuses. Bridget becomes frustrated and decides that she and Bernie should just spend the holidays alone in the mountains. They visit their parents to say goodbye, but begin to long for their family traditions. Bridget and Bernie each talk to their respective in-laws, and at the last minute they have Otis bring them home from the bus station before they leave, only to find their families waiting in their apartment for a Hanukkah celebration…and inside their bedroom, they’ve prepared a traditional Christmas celebration as well. Ben Hammer is Victor Moskowitz. 9/19/14
• 015. Belated Honeymoon – 12/23/1972
  • Bridget and Bernie start bickering and their parents deduce that they need a getaway and decide to send them on the honeymoon that they never had. The parents agree on the gift but Walter wants to send them to the Virgin Islands and Sam wants to send them to the “Pincus Pines” resort in the Catskills. Both parents put in their pitch, but it is all for naught when Bernie has to go into the hospital to get his tonsils taken out at St. Xavier of the Mercies, much to the chagrin of the Steinbergs. Once he gets released the parents’ bickering starts again, but Otis delivers the news to Bernie that all vacations have been suspended. Everyone tries to ‘bring the honeymoon’ to them in the hospital room, leaving them no privacy. The stringent Mother Superior (Ysabel MacCloskey) takes the couple out of the room and gives them their own. 10/21/14
• 016. Honesty Is the Worst Policy – 1/6/1973
  • Bernie runs into a Chuck St. Dennis, an old friend of Bridget’s and he invites him to dinner, not knowing that she was once engaged to him. Bernie becomes irritated that she never told him about Chuck. Privately Sophie tells Bridget about Bernie’s ex-girlfriend Rita Lazarus, who cried for days after Bernie got married. Bernie tries to make amends for his jealousy, but then Bridget confronts him about Rita and the fight escalates. The parents all meet among themselves to discuss the situation, but the conversation turns toward the ladies’ ex-boyfriends, so they end up fighting as well. Bridget turns to Mike, and Bernie to Otis, and they decide that it’s not worth getting upset about the past. The kids make up, despite the fact that Chuck shows up for dinner. They feel bad that their folks are fighting, but Moe warns them about the dangers of meddling in their parents’ arguments. 10/23/14
• 017. Life Begins at 65 – 1/13/1973
  • Uncle Moe turns 65 and Sam suggest that he begin taking it easy. Moe roams the New York streets all day, gets bored, and returns only to find that the Steinbergs have hired a boy (Anson Williams) to take his place at the deli. Bernie and Bridget track Moe to the YMHA through Mike, whom Moe came to talk to while looking for a job. When the Fitzgeralds’ butler Charles has to leave to visit his sick father, Amy hires Moe to fill in as their butler. While Moe is driving Walter crazy, Sam is forced to fire his new boy because of his laziness, causing Sam to have to work harder. The Fitzgeralds invite the Steinbergs over in hopes of getting Moe back to work, but both Moe and Sam are too stubborn. However, since they both know how each other feels, Moe returns to the deli the next morning where Sam has left the door unlocked for him. Stuart Nisbet is the Laundry Man. 11/20/14
• 018. With this Ring – 1/20/1973
  • Bernie sells an article to Global Magazine and gets paid $350. At first he and Bridget decide to buy a television set, but Bernie surprises Bridget by purchasing an engagement ring for her. She loves it, but soon loses it while cleaning the house. Scared to tell Bernie, she pretends that she sprained her finger and has to wear a bandage on it. When it doesn’t turn up,  Mike, the Fitzgeralds, and the Steinbergs each visit ring salesmen (respectively Ozzie Nelson, Ray Walston, Jack Carter) to buy a ring to replace the missing one. They all stop over at Bridget and Bernie’s house, where Bridget finally tells Bernie that she lost the ring. Everyone begins searching, each producing the ring that they bought. But it turns out that Bernie knew all along and had found the ring in the trash with the vacuum dirt. Jack LaLanne appears as Garth. Harriet Nelson appears as a customer in Ozzie’s store. 11/22/14
• 019. Into Every Life a Little Snow Must Fall – 1/27/1973
  • Walt and Sam return from a trip to Walt’s hunting lodge where their kids had hoped they’d get to know one another better, but they are so angry at each other they are not speaking. That night they are both scheduled to attend a dinner party at Bridget and Bernie’s house, so they reluctantly go, but spend the evening either insulting each other or not speaking at all. They end up playing the game of Monopoly and when Walt loses to Sam, he storms out, only to find that the winter storm has them snowed in. Briget and Bernie’s heat stops working, so everyone is stranded downstairs at the Steinberg’s apartment. Walt militantly assigns the sleeping arrangements, accidentally placing himself in the same bed with Sam. The two end up in the kitchen arguing about how Walt knocked Sam into the water at the lodge, and Sam accidentally shot Walt’s fishing trophy and television. The two end up drinking bourbon together and laughing at their weekend. 1/2/15
• 020. To Teach or Not To Teach – 2/3/1973
  • Mrs. O’Shay (Betsy Jones-Moreland), one of the mothers of a fourth grade student where Bridget is teaching, complains to Walt that she is going to be teaching a sex education class to her class. Even Bernie is leery about this, but then finds out that the film she is going to be showing has been approved by the Board of Education. Walt wants to see the film, but when he picks it up from the Steinbergs’ deli, he accidentally takes a stag film that Sam and Moe are planning on taking to their friend Mal’s (Joseph Mell) bachelor party. The guys at the bachelor party are bored stiff, but Walt and Amy get an eyeful when they screen the wrong film. Unknowing that her parents have the stag film, Bridget picks it up to screen it for the principal and PTA after Walt complains to them. Bernie realizes that Sam and Moe had possession of the sex-ed film and rushes to the school with the correct film, only to see the PTA members storming out of the room. But fortunately, her mother had given her one of her childhood cartoons instead of the stag film. Once they all view the correct film, no one objects to it being shown at the school. Vince Barnett is Morris. 1/2/15
• 021. Painting, Painting – Who’s Got the Painting? – 2/10/1973
  • Walt is hoping to be elected president of the New York Museum of Art and in order to impress the board of directors, he starts re-hanging his artwork. Among the art is an amateur painting called Boo Boo Birdie that Bridget had as a child. Walt gives it to Bridget, but Bernie hates it, so they give it to his parents. While Sophie is cleaning it, the paint starts to come off and another painting is revealed underneath. The painting is signed by Botticelli, so naturally the Steinbergs and Fitzgeralds start to argue over its true ownership. At Mike’s suggestion, they decide to authenticate it, auction it, and split the proceeds with a consideration for the church. The painting proves to be an actual Botticelli, but it turns out it was stolen from the Vatican years earlier. Walt sticks Sam with the authentication bill, but is disturbed when Sam gets a personal letter of thanks from the Pope. Richard St. John is Henderson. Gil Stuart is Miller. 2/20/15
• 022. Steinberg and Son – 2/17/1973
  • When Bernie’s cab company goes on strike, he thinks about getting another job. Despite Walter’s offer to set Bernie up with a corporate job, Bernie decides to come and work in his father’s deli. Bernie comes up with an idea to drum up more business with the younger crowd by changing it to The Swinging Salami, a mod hangout with live music. It drives off Sam’s regular customers and he hates it, so he agrees with Walter that Bernie should be applying his business sense to his corporate empire. Bernie agrees to try it out but comes home every night tired and miserable. After Bernie makes several mistakes on the new job, Walter tries to ‘give’ Bernie back to Moe who doesn’t want him either. All parties are scared to tell the truth, but all are relieved when they finally do, which enables to go back and work in his cab now that the strike has ended. 2/20/15
• 023. The Information Gap – 2/24/1973
  • Bridget and Bernie’s parents are driving them crazy by their non-stop questions and phone calls, so based on advice from Mike, they tell them that they’re going to cut them off from getting information about them. Both sets of parents assume something is wrong so they send in Uncle Moe to spy on them. Moe overhears a conversation leading him to believe that the kids are going to have a baby. Sam and Walter argue over the baby’s baptism and christening. It turns out that Bridget and Bernie are actually going to adopt a puppy, and when Moe overhears more discussion, he assumes that they are adopting a baby. Sam and Walter over whether they will adopt from a Catholic or Jewish agency. When Walter talks to Mike about it, Mike confronts Bridget and Bernie, only to find the truth about the puppy. To teach their parents a lesson, they borrow Otis’ black nephew and pretend that he is the new baby. Their parents are so overcome with glee, they learn a lesson that nothing else will matter more than the baby itself. Then they show their parents the new puppy. 4/4/15
• 024. Greener Pastures – 3/3/1973
  • Bernie gets an offer from a friend of Walter’s named Arthur Comstock (Gordon Rigsby), who wants him as a staff writer for his newspaper The Providence Dispatch in Rhode Island. Walter and Sam both try to convince Bernie that it is a great opportunity, while their mothers only know how much they’ll miss them. They turn to Mike for advice and he gives him the pros of both leaving for a less hectic community and great job, or staying in New York where he would have more future opportunities as a writer. Bridget and Bernie decide to move and take the job, much to the disappointment of everyone… including their fathers. As the show off their apartment to sublet to a young couple named Roger (Marco St. John) and Rachel Melton (Pam Galloway), they realize how much they love it in New York and decide to stay right where they are. 4/4/15

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