The Terrible Catsafterme

SEASON 1 – ABC

Theme song: “Angela” by Bob James

• 001. Like Father, Like Daughter – 9/12/1978
  • At Manhattan’s Sunshine Cab Company’s fleet garage in Manhattan, we meet taxi drivers Alex Reiger (Judd Hirsch), Tony Banta (Tony Danza), an aspiring prizefighter, Bobby Wheeler (Jeff Conaway), an aspiring actor, Elaine Nardo (Marilu Henner), mechanic Latka Gravas (Andy Kaufman), and cranky dispatcher Louie De Palma (Danny DeVito). Alex’s fare John Burns (Randall Carver) accompanies him back to the garage to make change for his fare and discovers that the payphone returns any money put into it, so everyone takes advantage to make free calls. Alex decides to call his daughter Cathy (Talia Balsam) whom he hasn’t seen in fifteen years after being asked by his ex-wife Phyllis to let her new step-father raise her. When he finds out that Cathy will be flying from Rio to Portugal, stopping in Miami along the way, he and his friends drive down to greet her. Although they only get five minutes together, they are able to connect and promise to keep in touch. John ends up getting a job as a driver. 5/29/14

• 002. One-Punch Banta – 9/19/1978
  • Tony gets called to his gym to spar with the Welterweight Boxing Champion of the World Carlos Palomino (as himself), and when Tony knocks him down, he ends up getting a shot with a top contender. Everyone at the garage supports him except for Louie who bets against him. Just before the fight, Palomino’s manager Jerry Martin (Allan Arbus) admits that Palomino fell on purpose so that he didn’t appear so unbeatable. Everyone  from the garage shows up at the match, but after getting in a fist fight with Palomino and getting knocked down, he naturally loses against his opponent (Dwight Woody). J. Alan Thomas makes his first appearance as dispatcher Jeff Bennett. 5/29/14
• 003. Blind Date – 9/26/1978
  • Alex has a great conversation with a girl named Angela Matusa (Suzanne Kent) from Bobby’s answering service, and is moved to ask her out on a date. When he arrives, he finds that she is overweight and not attractive, but even worse is that she continually accuses him of just going through the motions to be polite with her. After the date, Alex feels compelled to visit with her again, and the two decide to be friends. Meanwhile, Latka finds $2000 in his cab, and the gang can’t decide how it should be split, so just to make Louie mad, they decide to let Latka keep all of it. 7/20/14
• 004. Bobby’s Acting Career – 10/5/1978
  • Bobby has set a deadline of three years for himself to get an acting job, otherwise he will give up trying. When he loses one roll, he gets an audition for an E.F. Hutton commercial and the gang joins him in waiting until midnight to get a call. The call never comes, so he gives himself two more years. Meanwhile, Alex takes a dog named Hamlet from a passenger (John Lehne) who is abusing him. The owner tries to get him back – even bringing in an officer (Taurean Blacque) to mediate. The dog goes to the owner, but bites him – so Alex ultimately wins the dog. 7/20/14
• 005. Come as You Aren’t – 10/10/1978
  • Elaine has an altercation with a rude fare who accuses her of price gouging, and ends up getting short-changed and throwing his briefcase out the window. Later she tells Alex that she is going to have a party and invite her co-workers from the art gallery where she works part-time, having created a successful window display and hoping for more involvement. The one catch is that she doesn’t want them to know she is a cab driver and doesn’t want him to give it away. He is reluctant to lie, but is finally pressured into telling some of the party-goers that he puts out oil fires for a living. This works out well when an attractive blonde named Rita (Andra Akers) comes on to him. Elaine does well too and is impressing art dealer Mrs. Hazeltine (Paula Victor), until her son James (William Bogert) shows up and he turns out to be the rude fare that she had. Although he doesn’t recognize her, Elaine can’t keep silent and confesses to being a cab driver. She is admired for her honesty, but Alex loses his date. He forgives Elaine in the name of friendship. Clyde Kusatsu is Paul.  9/13/14
• 006. The Great Line – 10/17/1978
  • John spots an attractive girl named Suzanne Caruthers (Ellen Regan) in a bar, and using Bobby’s pick-up line, goes over and asks her to marry him, and they end up going out on a date for bowling. Three days later John returns to work, having actually gone through with getting married to her in Maryland. John is inconsolable and tries to think of a way to get out of it, when Louie brings him a letter that Suzanne left for him in which she gracefully bows out of the marriage and agrees that they should get it annulled. John then realizes what a sweet girl she is and falls in love with her. He and Alex visit Suzanne at the home of her parents (Dolph Sweet, Sheila Rogers), and eventually John is able to talk Suzanne into staying married to him. William “The Fox” Foster plays the chug-a-lug champion. 9/13/14
• 007. High School Reunion – 10/24/1978
  • Louie laments his upcoming 20-year high school reunion and relates a story of humiliation that involves his big crush Sheila Martin (Arlene Golonka), his arch rival Stanley Tarses (Pierrino Mascarino), and basically the entire school laughing at him. He has sworn revenge on all, but more importantly that he’d be successful. Bobby suggest that he impersonate Louie at the reunion, using his acting to make everyone jealous. Everyone falls for it and he sweeps Sheila off her feet, in addition to claiming to work for the IRS after Stanley confesses cheating on his taxes. Louie decides to go check out the action and is quite satisfied, only wanting to touch Sheila’s hair before leaving. As he does, it causes a chain reaction of destruction of the reunion, leaving him even more fulfilled. Meanwhile, Alex tries to score a date with Beverly (Joanna Cassidy), a waitress who refuses to date cab drivers, and ends up taking her to the reunion. 10/12/14
• 008. Paper Marriage – 10/31/1978
  • Two INS agents (James Randolph, Woody Eney) show up at the cab stand looking for Latka, who has let his student visa expire. Louie vows to try and hide him, but immediately give him up. Louie escapes and camps out in Alex’s cab, and they decide that best solution is for Latka to get married. He first proposes to Elaine, but she refuses. Alex finds a call girl named Vivian Harrow (Rita Taggart) to agree to marry him. Elaine convinces her to play the role by dressing in her old wedding dress. Bobby finds the bizarre Reverend Jim Ignatowski (Christopher Lloyd) to officiate the ceremony. Although Latka was starting to fall for Vivian, he takes it okay when she immediately strips out of her dress after the ceremony to report to her next job. Eugene “Pineapple” Jackson appears as an extra attending the wedding. 10/12/14
• 009. Money Troubles – 11/14/1978
  • John and Suzanne have Alex and Latka over for dinner, and while they are there, Suzanne finds out that her parents are moving to Florida and will be unable to pay John and Suzanne’s rent. This leads to an argument about which one of them will be forced to drop out of school in order to make ends meet. Elaine coaches John on how to apologize, and soon the couple makes up. Alex is considering loaning them the money they need, and visits them to make the offer. John is too proud to accept, but when he loses a head-or-tails coin flip as to who should drop out of school, he changes his mind and accepts the offer. Meanwhile, Louie finagles a dinner invite from John and tries to hint that he and Elaine will be on a date when the both pay their visit. 11/13/14
• 010. Men Are Such Beasts – 11/21/1978
  • Tony has been dating a girl named Denise (Gail Edwards) who is addicted to uppers and wants to find the most painless way to break it off with her. When he tries being direct, she only becomes more attracted to him and vows to not let him go. She ends up getting a job at Sunshine Can in order to be near him, and her receipts are huge thanks to her working long shifts on the uppers. Everyone supports Tony and threatens to quit if Louie doesn’t fire her, and eventually he has no choice. She still threatens to stalk him…until she finally gets the message when Tony pretends to be in love with Louie. Meanwhile Alex has to explain the accident he had, hitting a parked car when a dog ran in front of him, while on the uppers that Denise slipped him. 11/14/14
• 011. Memories of Cab 804: Part 1 – 11/28/1978
  • As the gang prepares to go to the races, they find out that John has been in an accident and has wrecked Cab 804. They find this extremely upsetting because it was on the verge of having traveled 500,000 miles. Alex recalls that he actually first met John in the cab. Bobby remembers the time he got into a standoff with a robber (Scoey Mitchell) and they held guns on each other for over an hour, until Bobby was able to get the gun away from him and insist that he pay Bobby cab fare. Tony recalls stopping a man (Ed. Weinberger) from jumping off a bridge by saying “don’t do that.” Louie remembers the time when he drove a rich kid (Chris Barnes) to boarding school and after being taken for $200 by the kid by losing a pair of parlor tricks, Louie outsmarts the kid and take his entire $600. John returns to the cab stand unscathed but Cab 804 is towed in looking completely demolished. Rod Browning is the kid’s father. NOTE: This is the first of a two part episode. 8/10/15
• 012. Memories of Cab 804; Part 2 – 12/5/1978
  • Latka doesn’t feel he can fix Cab 804 after its accident but he agrees to try. Elaine recalls the night she took the attractive Mike Beldon (Tom Selleck) 140 miles to a private art auction out in the country. She and Mike hit it off and he tries to talk her into spending the night with him, but when he tells her that he’ll be leaving for London the next day, she ultimately turns him down and settles for a passionate kiss and a $100 tip… and also finds out that Louie has been listening the entire time. Alex trumps them all when he tells them about the time that a pregnant woman named Ruth (Regina Baff) and her nervous husband Alan (Mandy Patinkin) get into the cab to go to the hospital for the baby’s delivery. Alan has a breakdown and ends up laying on the front seat and talking Alex through delivering the baby. Latka brings Cab 804 back after working on it, and amazingly it looks like new. Everyone wants the first ride, but Alex ultimately get it… only to find that it doesn’t run anywhere near as good as it looks. NOTE: This is the second of a two-part episode. 8/10/15
• 013. A Full House for Christmas – 12/12/1978
  • Louie’s brother Nick (Richard Foronjy), a professional poker player from Las Vegas, makes a pit stop during a stint in Atlantic City, to visit Louie and their mother for Christmas. Nick is more interested in playing poker with the guys at the cab stand than visiting with their mom, who in previous years, cries her eyes out during the holidays since she never hears from Nick. Louie is irritated and wants Nick to take her back to Vegas for a few weeks but he refuses, even at the risk of losing Louie as a brother. Louie decides to play hardball, so he bankrolls Alex – using company funds – to clean him out at poker during the Christmas party that Elaine has arranged at the taxi stand. The stakes get high enough that Nick has to use the promise of taking their mom to Vegas as collateral. Alex wins the hand with a three of a kind, much to the delight of the party-goers – including John, who is giving his wife a play-by-play of the game over the phone instead of having Christmas dinner with her. 12/22/14
• 014. Sugar Mama – 1/16/1979
  • Alex picks up a fare who is an elderly woman named Dee Wilcox (Ruth Gordon), who only wants to drive around New York City and chat with Alex. She gives him a large tip, and then shows up the next day at the taxi stand read to go out again, this time leaving him a $100 tip. When she gives him a jacket and tie, and then convinces him to join her inside at a senior dance, combined the fact that he meets a young gigolo named Ramon (Aharon Ipalé), Alex starts to feel used. He takes her back to her place and asks that she not pay him any longer. She surprises him by saying that she will not see him unless she pays him, admitting that money can control people to do what she wants. When he chastises her attitude, she agrees to let him buy her lunch next time. Herb Vigran appears as Weldon Manning. 12/22/14
• 015. Friends – 1/30/1979
  • After Tony does a favor for Bobby and goes on a blind date with Bobby’s girlfriend Dominique’s (Liz Miller) cousin, Tony asks Bobby to take care of his goldfish George and Wanda while Tony goes to Scranton to fight in a boxing match. Alex and Latka meet Bobby at his apartment to watch football and find that Bobby has forgotten to feed the fish and they are both dead. Bobby tries to replace the fish, but when Tony returns, he knows the new fish aren’t his. For a while he gives Bobby the silent treatment but Alex talks him into joining him in a visit to Bobby to talk things out. When they get to the apartment, they find it empty even though Bobby had requested the meeting. He comes home with Dominique after forgetting about his friends. Alex berates him and Tony comes to his defense, and all three end up fighting. They finally forgive Bobby, knowing that he is just simply irresponsible, and Bobby starts to take them out for dinner. He goes in to tell Dominique, but never comes out of his room. Tony feeds Bobby’s new fish. 1/31/15
• 016. Louie Sees the Light – 2/6/1979
  • Louie tells new cab driver Goodwin (John Dukakis) his rules and pet peeves, stressing how much he hates the word “accident” – then threatens John’s job for his low fare intake. During his tirade he suffers a ‘heartburn’ attack and is taken to the hospital. His co-workers go to visit him, and Louie holds Alex back and has him listen to his prayer in which he promises God he’ll be the best man he can if he survives. He ends up having a gall stone removed and makes a full recovery. Back at the cab stand Alex and Bobby bet on whether he’ll stick with his promise to God. Louie makes it through one of Latka’s bizarre jokes without losing his temper, but when Bobby tells him that he had an accident because he ran a stop sign after not turning on his lights, Louie barely restrains himself. But when Bobby tells him he was just kidding, Louie hangs him from a cable. Alex loses the bet and comforts Louie, stressing that he on told God that he would be the best man that he ‘could be’. Fay Hauser plays a nurse. 1/31/15
• 017. Elaine and the Lame Duck – 2/13/1979
  • Alex’s fare is Congressman Walter Griswald (Jeffrey Tambor) and his date Jill (Susan Heldfond) and he witnesses her mercilessly dump him. Alex brings Walter back to the taxi stand where he tells Alex how pathetic he is when it comes to women. Alex fixes him up with Elaine and despite his constant talk of how much he sweats and setting the menu on fire, she likes him. They have a few dates, but she confides in Alex that she needs to break up with him because he wants to sleep with her and she’s not feeling the chemistry. However, they do end up sleeping together but Walter nearly blows it when he wants to chart out their whole relationship because he feels insecure. Elaine tells him that this makes her uncomfortable, and he plays it cools and leaves normally, returning immediately to tell her how much he’s missed her. She agrees to pursue their relationship as long as he moves slowly. 3/20/15 
• 018. Bobby’s Big Break – 2/15/1979
  • Bobby gets a two-episode part on the soap opera For Better For Worse as Chip, the former lover of main character Olivia (Amanda McBroom), who returns after a four year absence from her live while having amnesia. The part seems integral especially when he receives his second script in which Olivia states that she loves Chip. Bobby assumes this will lead to a full-time gig and rips up his cab license and throws it at Louie. Two weeks later no one has heard from Bobby so the gang goes to visit him and finds out that his character has been killed off, but he is too ashamed to go back and face Louie. Alex pleads with Louie not to give Bobby a hard time, but Louie is adamant on tearing him apart. Alex cuts Louie’s tie and pours oil down his pants, and edges up to threatening harm, making Louie even more resolute in delivering his insults to Bobby. But when Bobby shows up, Louie spares him and tells him it was nice to have him back. Bobby later thanks him and does his impressions of what he though Louie would have to say to him, to which Louie can’t resist in joining in for a bit. Michele Conaway is the other actress in the soap opera. 3/20/15
• 019. Mama Gravas – 2/27/1979
  • Alex is surprised when Latka’s visiting mother Greta (Susan Kellermann) from the ‘old country’ turns out to be good looking. When Louie forces Latka to work, Alex agrees to entertain her for the evening, and then go see the Rockettes with her. After the date they end up sleeping together. Latka is initially happy as he thinks it means that Latka will be his new daddy, but when Greta and Alex tell him they are not getting married, Latka feels this brings shame to the family and says that he and Alex can no longer be friends. Alex’s apology and please won’t change his mind, but in the end Latka invokes a loophole called the ‘globnick’ by which he simply pretends that the event never happened. T.J. Castronovo is Tommy Jeffries, the bartender at Mario’s. 6/15/15
• 020. Alex Tastes Death and Finds a Nice Restaurant – 3/6/1979
  • Alex is robbed at gunpoint while driving his cab, and as he escapes his ear is grazed by a bullet. At first he acts as if the incident hasn’t bothered him, but soon he finds that he is afraid to pick up any fares, even throwing a priest (James Staley) out of the cab because he can only name 11 disciples. Alex quits his job and gets hired on as a waiter in a fancy French restaurant. His friends come in to have dinner and try to talk him into coming back. Alex weighs the pros and cons of both jobs and decides to return to the cab stand. Although skeptical, he does pick up his first fare… a girl scout (Sherrie Wills). Byron Webster is the maitre d’. Mavis Neal Palmer and Charles Thomas Murphy are restaurants patrons. John Petlock is the other waiter. 6/16/15
• 021. Hollywood Calling – 8/8/1979
  • Hollywood producer Roger Chapman (Martin Mull) and actor Michael Patrese (Joey Aresco) come to the cab stand scouting real life driver stories for a movie they’re working on. Everyone cooperates initially except for Alex, who would rather remain private. Eventually Alex comes around, and Chapman announces that he’d like to film on location in the cab stand, use Bobby as an actor, and use everyone else as extras. Even Louie gets excited when Chapman makes him the Locations Manager for $15,000… even though he was only looking to get $25. As the group is celebrating in Chaman’s hotel suite, he gets a call from the new head of Paramount, who hates the script and nixes the entire project. 11/13/15
• 022. Substitute Father – 5/15/1979
  • Elaine heads to Buffalo to spend a few days with her sick aunt, and she asks Alex to watch her son Jason (Michael Hershewe) so he can stay in town for his spelling bee. His co-workers agree to help him out, but all are reluctant because they know nothing about kids. However they end up enjoying spending time with him so much that they keep him too busy to study. They all attend the bee, but Jason loses to a girl named Christ Fowler (Tan Adams) on the word vermeil. When Elaine returns, the guys take the blame for keeping him busy, but Jason acknowledges that studying was his responsibility. The guys all lament not having sons of their own after being with such a great kid. David Knapp is the spelling bee moderator. Carl Byrd is Christa’s father. Suzanne Carney is Marilu Hartman. 11/13/15

SEASON 2

• 023. Louie and the Nice Girl – 9/11/1979
  • Zena Sherman (Rhea Perlman), the girl who delivers food to the vending machine at the cab stand, has a crush on Louie, so Alex goes out on a limb to introduce them. Louie invites her to attend his cousin’s wedding with him, and from there on out they begin dating. Louie won’t stop talking about his sexual exploits with Zena which begins to annoy everyone, but Zena confides in Alex that Louie refuses to touch her in any way. Alex confronts Louie about this, and Louie confides that this is the first time he has every dated a ‘nice girl’. Alex gives sarcastic advice to break it off with her and go for the tramps, but Louie takes it to heart and attempts to break it off. Zena asks for one kiss goodbye, and kisses him so passionately that she ends up seducing him. 1/7/16
• 024. Honor Thy Father – 9/18/1979
  • Alex’s sister Charlotte (Joan Hackett) visiting from East Hampton brings the news that their father Joe (Jack Gilford) has suffered a heart attack and is in a New York hospital. When Alex gets the news passed to him, he discards it and refuses to go see him. Charlotte returns and pleads with him to go visit, telling him that if his father dies and he misses seeing him, he will regret it all of his life. Alex sees his father as a philanderer who abandoned him, but he reluctantly goes anyway. When he arrives he tries his best to recall a few nice times that he had with his father, finally breaking down and embracing him… only to find that he has been speaking to the wrong man (Ian Wolfe). His actual father then comes in and the two exchange a few pleasantries and bid each other farewell. Meanwhile back at the cab stand Latka continuously bickers with a Spanish speaking mechanic (Richard Beauchamp). Margaret Ladd is Miss Stallworth, whom Joe was goosing when she screamed and shocked him into a heart attack, then gave him mouth-to-mouth to save him. 1/8/16
• 025. Reverend Jim: A Space Odyssey – 9/25/1979
  • Reverend Jim wanders into Mario’s, where he is befriended by the drivers, who listen to his tales of drugs, peace, and Woodstock. Elaine is insistent that Jim should want more out of life, and convinces Alex to let him come into the taxi stand and try and get a job. Louie is vehemently opposed to Jim, but when Jim slips him a tranquilizer in his coffee, the two end up singing a duet of Moonlight Bay, and Louie agrees to hire him. They take Jim to the license bureau to secure his taxi license, but Jim can barely manage filling out his application to take the test. Miraculously he passes the exam and gets his license. His first taxi passenger is Alex, but Jim doesn’t start out well when he backs through the wall of the taxi stand. 3/20/16
• 026. Nardo Loses Her Marbles – 10/2/1979
  • Elaine has been extremely busy and has had very little time for her friends at the taxi stand. As she sits down to play poker with them finally, she is called back to the art gallery to work an exhibit. When artist Philip Polevoy (Robert Picardo) has a crisis of confidence and starts to pull his artwork down, and gallery owner Sandoy Kovacs (William Callaway) complains about the flat champagne, Elaine loses her temper and tries to take a swing at him. Alex drives her home, and along the way she makes a pass at him. Alex refuses and insists that she see a therapist. She reluctantly agrees only to get Alex off her back, but during her visit with Dr. Richmond (Tom Ewell) she breaks down as she recalls how it feels to always be taking care of someone. A week and ten visits later Elaine visits the cab stand wearing the dress that Alex loves and tells him that he was right to refuse her pass. Alex starts to have some obvious regrets of his own about refusing her. Mary Woronov is artist Fran Strickland. 3/20/16
• 027. Wherefore Art Thou, Bobby? – 10/16/1979
  • Tony meets an actor named Steven Jensen (Michael Horton) who just arrived in New York and brings him to Bobby to get advice on the business. Bobby is having a rough time already as he’s just been cast in a tanning commercial, which he considers menial work. Bobby tutors him nonetheless, and remarkably, Steven is immediately cast in an off-Broadway production of Romeo & Juliet. While Louie is anxious to break the bad news to Bobby, the rest of his friends try to soften the blow by throwing Bobby, whose face is now half-tan from the commercial, a party. Bobby is initially happy for Steven, but then has a meltdown and quits acting. Alex gets Bobby to help Steven rehearse and they go through a Shakespearean reading at the cab stand that gets huge applause. Bobby decides to keep at it, giving Louie the credit for it, as he hopes to one day spit back in his face all of the bad things that Louie has said to him. 6/22/16
• 028. The Lighter Side of Angela Matusa – 10/23/1979
  • Alex’s former blind date Angela, whom he had remained friends with for a while and then lost touch of, returns having lost over a hundred pounds. Louie is disappointed that he can’t unload his arsenal of fat jokes, but Alex takes her out for dinner, where she confesses that she did it all for him. He has a hard time telling her that he’s still not attracted to her in that way, but is forced to admit it, causing her to spiral downward and start eating again. When one of Angela’s classmates from her eating disorder group, Wayne Hubbard (Phil Rubenstein), shows up at the cab stand looking for her, Alex finds out that Wayne is crazy about her. Alex tracks down Angela and convinces her to try dating Wayne… only to find out that she hadn’t rejected him because of his weight, but because he was married with children. Meanwhile Tony arranges for his co-workers to play a softball game. Dick Miller is Ernie the waiter. 6/22/16
• 029. A Woman Between Friends – 10/30/1979
  • One evening at Mario’s, as Elaine tries to convince Alex that he needs to see a dentist for painful tooth, Tony and Bobby each spot a girl that they want to date. After arguing over who has the right to ask her out, they both end up taking out this girl named Janet (Constance Forslund). Both go on a date with her and continue to argue over who has gets to keep her. Alex gets irritated and tells them that they need to ask Janet who she wants to date. Elaine also makes Alex a dentist appointment, but he asks that she not tell him when until right before he has to go. When they meet Janet, she doesn’t want to choose, but the guys – and Alex – force the issue. They then realize that their friendship could end based on her answer, so they both decide to dump her. She is irritated, and as revenge, tells them that whomever she had chose would have had the time of their life. The guys don’t want to know who it was… but she tells them it was Bobby, causing Bobby great anguish but Tony feels they made the right choice. When it comes time for Alex to go to the dentist, he tries to prove that he can drink a cold beverage… and quickly decides to be taken. 9/11/16
• 030. The Great Race – 11/6/1979
  • After Louie berates the drivers for not bringing in enough money, Bobby issues a challenge that Louie cannot beat Alex in bringing in fares. Alex reluctantly accepts the challenge knowing how good Louie was in his day as a driver when Louie accuses Alex of being a chicken. Large bets are placed against Louie, with Elaine even agreeing to go out with him if he wins. Alex spend the evening honestly, helping two nuns (Kres Merskey, Julie Payne) decide which movie to see, and returning a massive over-payment from a passenger (James Hong) who can’t speak English and gives Alex $900. Louie however spends the evening cheating passengers including a blind man (Fred Stuthman) and only escaping losing his license by pretending to be Tony when he is confronted by Inspector Ryan (listed as Inspector Melnick in the credits)(Scott Brady) from the New York Taxi Commission for unscrupulous practices. Alex nearly beats Louie when his final passenger is an elderly lady (Jean Owens Hayworth) going to New Jersey, but he comes up just slightly short. However Alex’s tips eclipse Louie’s and would put him over if they can agree on what the rules stated. They leave it up to Latka, who had not made a bet, and Latka ultimately chooses that the tips count, making Alex the winner. 9/12/16
• 031. The Apartment – 11/13/1979
  • When Louie gets chewed out by his boss because Latka is sleeping in his office at night, Louie tells Latka that he cannot live at the taxi stand and needs to find an apartment. The gang helps him look, but Latka goes out and finds one on his own. When Alex goes to see it, he is astonished to find that it is a luxury penthouse in Manhattan that comes with a maid named Inga (Nancy Steen) and costs $3000 a month, which after just one months kills Latka’s savings. Alex first tries to get him out of the lease, but then seduced by his surroundings decides to let him keep it, so that he and all of their friends can enjoy using it for the months. As the month draws near its end, they all lament losing it, so decide to host a party charging ten dollars a head in hopes of extending their stay. Unfortunately when no women show up and Elaine dancing on a table is their only form of entertainment, they all demand refunds. Down on his luck, Latka is cheered up when Inga offers him some ‘nik nik.’ Meanwhile Tony may or may not have given Neil Armstrong a ride in his taxi. Dick Butkus is the disgruntled party guest. 12/4/16
• 032. Alex’s Romance – 11/20/1979
  • Tony introduces Alex to his soap opera star friend Joyce (Dee Wallace) who has just been let go from the show she had been on for years. Alex takes a liking to her and they go on a date, although she warns him up front that she is very flaky and could be bad news for him. Alex sees himself as being stable and a good companion for her. He starts to get pretty serious after a couple of weeks, when she is offered a job in Los Angeles and is leaning toward taking it. Alex decides to propose to her and invites her over, hiring violinists and filling the closet with balloons to celebrate the occasion. She stops him dead in his tracks before he can propose, reminding him of their original discussion. He takes it in stride and they decide to spend their last couple of days together before she leaves. Jim tries to offer counsel for a downtrodden Alex after Joyce leaves, but only ends up helping Latka, whom Jim gets confused with an amalgam of Bobby, Tony, and Elaine. 12/4/16
• 033. Latka’s Revolting – 11/27/1979
  • Latka is able to tune into the radio of his home country, and comes to find out that a rebel group has started a revolution and he feels compelled to join the rebels since he is a General back home. His fellow countryman Baschi (Lenny Baker) comes to recruit him to return home. That night all of his friends take him to Mario’s where they partake in the strange rituals of Latka’s country, and even Louie can’t resist bidding him a tearful farewell. When Baschi comes to get him, he is requested to draw a map of the country, and illustrates the mountaintop location of the rebels, illustrating that government resistance is coming from every directions, which scares Latka from going home. Presumably Baschi and the other rebels decide to forget it as well. 3/19/17
• 034. Elaine’s Secret Admirer – 12/4/1979
  • After another breakup, Elaine enlists the guys to help her paint her apartment like she usually does after ending a relationship. While they are there, she receives a romantic poem from a secret admirer, then later gets another one at work. While she is investigating who wrote it, Jim admits to Alex that he had done it to make her feel better. However another co-worker named Don Reavy (Michael DeLano) takes credit for the poems and begins dating Elaine. Alex gets so irritated with Don that he finally tells her that Jim had written it. Elaine storms out and laments that there will never be any ‘castles’ in her life. Jim tries to make it up to her by constructing a castle in her living room from pieces of his van. Elaine is clearly touched by the effort and tells him he might be the sweetest man she knows. 3/19/17
• 035. Louie Meets the Folks – 12/11/1979
  • Zena is ready to break it off with Louie when he refuses to meet her parents. He confides in Alex that he is nervous because her father (John C. Becher) is a minister and he’s afraid that he’ll say the wrong thing. Louie talks Alex into going along with him to their house to keep him from screwing up, but Alex is not match for Louie’s running mouth. Zena’s mother (Camila Ashland) gets Louie alone and gives her blessing for them to date, but warns him that if he attempts to marry him, she’ll hire a hit man to kill him. They proceed with the dinner, although Louie is scared to death… and barely musters the courage to give Mrs. Sherman goodnight. 9/26/17
• 036. Jim Gets a Pet – 12/18/1979
  • Although Elaine highly disapproves of her friends’ gambling, they introduce Jim to horse racing. He quickly becomes addicted… but though the gang believes he’s lost a fortune, it turns out that he won $10,000 at the track. However he quickly spends it and buys the horse On-Dasher – which he renames Gary – from the jockey because he feels sorry for it. The guys try to help Jim find a place to take the horse, but when they pay him a visit to his apartment, they find that Gary has been ‘asleep’ for a couple of days. They break the news to Jim that Gary has died. The next day at work Jim delivers a touching eulogy to the horse, which touches Louie so much that he request that Jim deliver the same speech when his mother dies. 9/27/17
• 037. The Reluctant Fighter – 12/25/1979
  • Tony gets word from his gym manager friend Vince (Michael V. Gazzo) that former boxing champion Benny Foster (Armando Muniz) is coming out of retirement and wants to fight a no-name and has chosen him. Tony jumps at the opportunity, but during a press conference realizes that Benny’s inspiration for returning to the ring is an orphan named Brian Sims (Marc Anthony Danza) who is in a wheelchair and facing an impending operation. Under these circumstances, Tony hopes to lose, which makes Louie question whether he should bet against Tony, thinking that a loser who wants to lose will ultimately win. Alex talks Tony into boxing for victory, and sure enough, he does defeat Foster. Feeling bad about Brian, he asks to meet with him after the match and apologizes. Brian punches Tony in the face, but forgives him when Tony offers to be his new hero. Louie loses his bet since he decided to bet against Tony, and although Tony thinks that Brian will punch Louie, he merely lifts Louie’s wallet. Gene LeBell is the referee. John Dennis is the maintenance man. 4/15/18
• 038. Tony and Brian – 1/8/1980
  • Brian, now out of his wheelchair following his operation, hangs out at the playground looking for rich kids, hoping they will bring him home and the family will adopt him. Alex convinces Tony that he should go for the adoption, so Tony invites him over – along with Tony’s friends – to run it by him. But before he can get the proposition out, Brian tells him that he has been invited to stay with a rich Mr. and Mrs. John Brennan (Michael Fairman, Barbara Stuart) and their son Tommy (Shane Butterworth). Tony and Alex go to visit Brian and lay out the proposition, but Brian declines, stating that he must think about his own future. Tony is heartbroken and dives into his work to make more money. One evening Brian shows up at his apartment and says that he’d like to stay with him after all. After some prodding, Brian admits that the Brennans didn’t want to adopt him. Tony doesn’t want to be his second choice, but Brian tugs at his heartstrings and give in and decides to keep him. Mary Betten is the maid. Meanwhile Bobby is happy that he received a good review from one critic, although the critic hated the rest of the play. 4/16/18
• 039. Guess Who’s Coming for Brenfish – 1/15/1980
  • Louie is arranging for a new batch of secretaries to interview with Mr. McKenzie, among them a girl named Simkah Dahblitz (Carol Kane), who hails from Latka’s home country. She explains that she fled the country for American when the Mountain people came down to mingle among the flatlanders, two cultures who hate each other. Latka makes jokes about the mountain people, which upsets Simkah, who tells Latka’s friends that she is in fact one of the mountain people. Once she tells Latka, he can barely look at her, and she ends up leaving. Latka is crestfallen, so Alex advises him to think about how much he enjoyed Simkah. Latka decides to call his parents and tell them about Simkah, getting himself disowned in the process. Still he meets with Simkah and tells her that he loves her and is willing to debase himself by being with her. For her, it is too late, as she is now dating a successful doctor named John Hannon (Phil Cocioletti). A depressed Latka drowns his sorrows at the bar. Teresa Baxter and Edith Fields are potential secretaries. 12/9/18
• 040. What Price Bobby? – 1/22/1980
  • Bobby gives a cab ride to powerful acting agent Nora Chandliss (Susan Sullivan), and he asks her to come see his current play Stalled to check out his acting ability. Once she sees the play, she  calls Bobby in and offers to be his personal agent… and then gives him the keys to her apartment and tells him to be there that night. Bobby sleeps with her, but feels he is prostituting himself. After a terrible audition during which he threw up on stage, Nora tells him that she arranged for him to get a big part in a Broadway revival of Cat on a Hot Tin Roof. During his audition, he throws up on stage during his scene… but still walks away with the part. Feeling guilty, he tells Nora that he can’t continue mixing business with pleasure. Bobby wants to just stick with the business, while she’d like to keep the pleasure, but ultimately she decides she’s done with him and kicks him out.   Meanwhile Alex is away on a ski trip and threatens to never come back since he’s having a great time. Bobby claims he still has his self-respect and his shoes, but Nora shows him that he has neither as he’d be willing to give either up to come back to her. After giving Nora his shoes, he threatens to break a lamp if she doesn’t give them back. Meanwhile Alex is on a ski trip and threatens to never come back. However once he runs out of money, he decides to head home and return to work. 12/9/18
• 041. Shut It Down: Part 1 – 1/29/1980
  • When Tony’s breaks go out on his cab while he is driving, all of the drivers demand that the cab company take more steps to replace old cabs, brakes, and spend more on maintenance. In order to make these demands, they elect Tony as the shop steward, but quickly loses focus when Louie offers to take him out for a fancy dinner now that he is an ‘executive.’ Elaine talks the guys out of striking, and they have an election recall and elect her steward. Her conversation with Mr. McKenzie doesn’t go any better, and she ends up declaring a strike. Louie hires a slew of elderly drivers, one completely drunk, as well as the newsboy (Paul Loving) to act as scabs, while the drivers all picket outside in the cold. Louie is confident that he can doctor the books to make it appear that the company is spending more on maintenance than they are. However when Alex points out to Louie that he is working his way toward eternal damnation, he agrees to negotiate with Elaine. He agrees to all of the demands, as long as she spend a weekend with him. They negotiate downward, and she agrees to one date as long as he doesn’t tell anyone. NOTE: This is the first of a two-part episode. 12/4/19
• 042. Shut It Down: Part 2 – 2/5/19
  • When Elaine takes the night off, and Louie seems to be floating on a cloud as he gets prepared for a date, Alex catches on that Elaine is going to go out with him as part of their agreement. He goes to see Elaine, who has been drinking in order to deal with the night. When Louis shows up, Alex gives him a stern warning about touching Elaine. Louie takes her to the Tide Pool Hawaiian restaurant, and they spend an awkward evening reading from Louie’s scripted conversation for them, and dancing the Tango. When Louie takes Elaine home, he wants to come in, but she wants no part of it and just wants it to end. Louie gives her a sob story, and tells her that she really hurt his feelings. Elaine admits that she didn’t have a horrible time, especially when they danced together. Louie pushes his luck further and ask for a goodnight kiss, swearing he will be have. Elaine agrees and gives him a little peck, but Louie grabs her and rolls around on the floor with her in a passionate embrace. She escapes into her apartment, and walking on air, Louie heads home. Lee Delano is the Maitre D’. Maryedith Burrell is the hatcheck girl. NOTE: This is the second part of a two-part episode. 12/4/19
• 043. Alex Jumps Out of an Airplane – 2/26/1980
  • Alex and the gang get together at Mario’s and Alex relates his exciting tale of doing a ski jump for the first time and how the invigoration of it changed his life. He vows to continue doing things that he’s always feared, sings a round of Being Alive at the restaurant, and gets Tony to agree to show him how to box. After his first lesson, Alex wants to get over his fear of being hit, by fighting experienced boxer Carl (Rodney Saulsberry), and insists that he go all out. Naturally Alex is knocked out quickly but happy to have experienced it. As he begins looking for more thrills, Louie takes an insurance policy out on him. His next feat is to go skydiving, but once he gets up in the air with Bobby and Louie, who is encouraging him all the way, Alex tells the instructress (Beverly Ross) that he has no intention of jumping. He has a change of heart and makes the jump, talking to himself, singing Being Alive again, and the vomiting all the way down. 3/31/20
• 044. Art Work – 3/4/1980
  • The guys think they have a sure bet on a boxing match when they hear that one of the fighters named Johnson has a broken hand. However when they go to place the bet, they find out that both fighters are named Johnson. Elaine finds it humorous, but also is apologetic that she watches people invest in art every day and make lots of money, but her friends seem to always fail at their schemes. Alex wants her to point them in the right direction to invest in artwork, but she is reluctant to help. Finally she gives in and tells them about an artist named Max Duffin who is on death’s door, which will invariably cause his artwork to rise in value. The guys are ready to invest in painting, and even let Louie in so they can come up with the $2000 that the piece is sure to go for. They all attend the auction, but just when they think they have it at $2000, they are outbid by several others who drive the price up to $2900, despite Louie’s efforts to convince all of the buyers that the art is garbage. Just after they lose the piece, the auctioneer (Marvin Newman) announces that the artist Duffin has just passed away. Sullen, as they are, they all go shopping for some of the reproduction art. Alex buys a sculpture, the other guys buy paintings, and Louie winds up with a scantily clad woman on velvet. Richard Derr and Peg Stewart are buyers at the auction. 3/31/20
• 045. Fantasy Borough – Part 1 – 5/6/1980
  • Tony has TV show Fantasy Island actor Herve Villechaize (himself) in his cab, and he leaves behind some photos in his cab, so Tony calls him to arrange to get them back to him. Alex explains to Latka what Fantasy Island is about, which sparks Tony to come up with his own fantasy. Instead of fantasizing about being a great boxer, he would prefer that he is perceived as being smarter. In his fantasy he picks up newscaster Eric Sevareid (himself) who is heading to a NYU for a SG – of Smart Guys – meeting. When Tony starts to tell him some of his perspectives on politics, Sevareid invites him to be on his side for a debate against William F. Buckley. Back in reality, Latka starts to share his fantasy but he is told to get back to work by Louie. He fantasizes that he is the dispatcher and Louie is the mechanic and when Louie is late for work, Latka puts him in front of a firing squad. He comes out of the fantasy by being yelled at once again by Louie. Tony gets hold of Herve Villechaize and he agrees to come to the cab stand to pick up his photos. Bobby confesses that his fantasy has nothing to do with acting, but rather being a famous singer. In his fantasy, he is singing the song City Boy on TV, while a down-on-his-luck Louie watching at Mario’s. Louie desperately tries to convince everyone that he used to be Bobby’s boss. Bobby then comes into Mario’s where Louie begs him to tell everyone that they knew each other. Bobby charges Louie his last dollar to do this, and once he has taken it, he denies ever knowing Louie. Back at the cab stand, Jim wanders in and gets pulled into the conversation where he admits to doing some mild daydreaming about doing some traveling… specifically when a spaceship shows up outside his window and lures him into joining the aliens aboard. Herve Villechaize shows up at the cab stand to get his pictures and meet everyone. Louie does his ‘Tattoo’ impression for him, and Herve tells Alex to tell him that he stinks. Warren Munson and Carl Lumbly are Mario’s customers. NOTE: This is the first of a two part episode. 7/10/20
• 046. Fantasy Borough: Part 2 – 5/13/1980
  • The gang continues talking about their deepest fantasies ala the TV show Fantasy Island. Alex claims he doesn’t have any fantasies, but they the more they talk him into it, Alex gives it a try. He thinks about picking up a beautiful woman named Tawny (Priscilla Barnes). However the fantasy is interrupted when she tells him that she is married. The guys tell Alex that he can control the fantasy, so he imagines that she tells him that she was only kidding about being married. They go back to Alex’s apartment and start to make out. However his fantasy comes to an abrupt end, when they start talking about her Uncle Alex who she hasn’t seen in years, and he realizes that Tawny is his niece. Louie claims that is already living his dream life, but the more he thinks he about, he starts to fantasize that he is the last rich man during a Great Depression, while everyone else at the cab stand is in terrible shape financially and health-wise. He goes home to his warm mansion and wife Elaine, where he has to fire someone near and dear to her heart: the TV star dog Lassie (herself). He then gives Elaine a watch he bought… so she can put it on him. Elaine finally reveals her fantasy as well, which involves the gang all sitting at the cab stand bored with the evening. Elaine breaks out into the song The Lullaby of Broadway, and eventually everyone joins her for a full-blown musical number. NOTE: This is the second of a two-part episode. 7/10/20

SEASON 3

• 047. Louie’s Rival – 11/19/1980
  • Louie confides in Alex that he’s experiencing a disconnect with Zena, so Alex gives him some advice about connecting with her. However, after an expensive dinner with Louie, Zena seems distant and doesn’t want any physical contact, ultimately asking him to leave. Louie insists that they talk about the issue, and Zena eventually admits that she’s been seeing a bartender from Mario’s named Dwight (Richard Minchenberg). She tells him that it started off with some friendly lunches and that she eventually started to fall for him. Louie can hardly breathe, and then slinks out, telling her that he’d take her back if it doesn’t work out. He heads to Mario’s where Dwight is there, and then tells Alex about the situation. Alex finds out from Dwight that he is getting ready to break it off with Zena because she has gotten too serious. Louie later rushes over to Zena’s place as Dwight is dumping her. He tries to get her to beg him to come back, but Zena tells him that he is too over-sexed and she isn’t interested in taking him back. He eventually tells her that he loves her and what that love means to him. She is taken in by the moment, but the realizes she is right back where she started in a relationship that she doesn’t want to be in. Louie doesn’t seem to mind. Meanwhile, Elaine talks Bobby into giving up his date so he can babysit for her while she goes on her date, given that Bobby doesn’t even know his date’s name. 10/26/20
• 048. Tony’s Sister and Jim – 11/26/1980
  • Tony’s sister Monica Douglas (Julie Kavner), a flute player who has gone through a recent divorce in Spokane, moves to New York to start fresh. Tony thinks she has horrible taste in men, so looks to pair her up with Alex, making special note to have her avoid Bobby and Latka. However before Alex can ask her out, Jim and her start talking in the taxi stand and wind up making a date to go to dinner and the symphony. Tony is aghast that she would go out with a burnt-out loser, and forbids them from seeing each other after their date. Jim impresses he so much at dinner by learning how to speak to the waiter (Andrew Bloch) in French, that she decides to keep seeing him and keeping it a secret from Tony and everyone else at the cab stand. Tony apologizes to Jim for forbidding him to see Monica, but when Jim lets it slip that he is in fact still seeing her, Tony barges in on them at the apartment. Tony picks Jim up and carries him around the room, until he doesn’t know what else to do… so he eventually apologizes, joins them for dinner, and joins them in playing music with her flute and Jim’s jug. 10/27/20
• 049. Fathers of the Bride – 12/3/1980
  • Louie takes great delight in delivering the news that his daughter Cathy, who lives in Rio with his ex-wife Phyllis Bornstein Consuelos (Louise Lasser) and her husband Carlos Consuelos (Carlo Quinterios) and with whom Alex has not had much interaction with since she was two years old, is getting married in New York. Still, he is hurt and furious that he hasn’t received an invitation to the wedding. He decides to crash the wedding and reception and take Elaine with him as his date. He almost can’t even get into the reception until Elaine flirts with the door attendant (Harvey Miller). She he sees Phyllis, he notes that she’s gained some weight since he’s seen her last, and when she is rude to him, he makes sure to point it out with a fat joke. This really upsets her, and Alex starts to feel guilty that he may have ruined Cathy’s wedding. Although Cathy had though that Alex was invited, Phyllis finally admits that she didn’t want him to see her with the extra weight. They talk it over privately, and Alex and her finally make amends, and she even starts to get frisky with him when they embrace. Cathy then finds them together and tells them how happy she is to see them getting along, and suggest that they hug each other. Phyllis playfully puts her leg around him when they hug again, surprising Cathy this time. 2/15/21
• 050. Elaine’s Strange Triangle – 12/10/1980
  • Eliane has just failed at another relationship, so the guys take her out to Mario’s to cheer her up. While she and Tony are talking privately, a man named Kirk Bradshaw (John David Carson) asks them if they are together. Tony and the guys take the opportunity to whisk him and up and bring him to their table to set him up with Elaine. It turns out he is an art lover as well, and she does take a liking to him. After several dates, the spring has returned to her step and she seems happy again. However Kirk comes to talk to Tony to tell him that it was actually him he was inquiring about. It turns out he is a bisexual, and is interested in dating Tony. He doesn’t know how to handle the situation, and temporarily confides in Louie when Louie promises to get a big secret off his chest as well… which he doesn’t. Tony finally, and reluctantly, turns to Alex, who says that Kirk should be asked to tell Elaine the truth. He agrees to accompany Tony to tell him, although he wants to stay out of it for once. However, he winds up arriving at the gay bar to talk to Kirk before Tony gets there. The conversation goes well since Kirk has already told Elaine that he is bisexual, and he also understands that Tony isn’t interested in him. Things get comical however, when a large man named Kenny (Michael Pritchard) forcefully convinces Alex to dance with him. Soon the entire bar of men are dancing, and Alex is dancing on top of the bar… just as Tony comes in and sees the spectacle. 2/15/21
• 051. Going Home – 12/17/1980
  • A private investigator named Spencer (Dick Yarmy) tracks down Jim, formerly Caldwell, at the behest of his wealthy, estranged father (Victor Buono) from Florida, who hasn’t seen him in years. As he is getting up in years, he wants to visit with his children and update his will. Alex agrees to go along with him, and upon arrival meets his stoic brother Tom (Walter Olkewicz) and voluptuous, flirty sister Lila (Barbara Deutsch). His father wants to put the unpleasantness behind them and catch up on their lives, although Jim seems a little obsessed with his baldness and fatness. Nevertheless, Jim loves him, even if they don’t know how to communicate with each other. They all have dinner that night, and his father tries to find out what Jim has been up to for the last ten years since dropping out of Harvard. When Jim can’t account for them, Mr. Caldwell grows frustrated and asks him to leave. Alex then chats with Caldwell and finds out that he wants to give away some of his money now to avoid inheritance taxes, but refuses to give Jim any of it since he has no focus whatsoever in life. Alex assures him that Jim isn’t interested in money, and only wanted to see his father and family. Jim gets angry at the notion of only wanting to see him for his money, and his father finally believes him. He offers to let Jim come back and attend school there, but Jim wants to live his life on his terms as he has been. Jim walks out, leaving Alex to say goodbye. Jim then yells from a far that it was good seeing his father. Caldwell reciprocates and yells back that it was good seeing him too. The two take one more look at each other and part ways. John Eames is the butler. 6/11/21
• 052. The Ten Percent Solution – 1/7/1981
  • Bobby loses another film job, and laments the fact that they gave the role to an inexperienced guy who had the right look, citing Tony as an example of the type of guys that keep getting jobs over him. This sparks an interest in Tony to do some acting himself, so he asks Bobby to be his manager. Bobby tries to explains the dedication that acting takes, but ultimately reluctantly agrees to manage him for a ten percent take on anything he makes. When Bobby reads with Tony, he finds that he is completely terrible and puts no feeling or emotion into his reading. Nevertheless, he is able to get him an audition with a casting director (Sabrina C. Grant) and a pair of producers (Jim Staskel, Ed. Weinberger). Bobby reads along with Tony, and gives an impassioned performance himself, while Tony only has a few words in his part. Miraculously, the producers hire Tony, which provokes a tirade from Bobby about how they’ll seemingly cast anyone. Later Bobby apologizes to Tony for the outbursts, but can’t help but be happy when Tony tells him that he got fired by the director. Bobby explains that this is a good sign to all those people who sacrifice everything to act, but then lose out on roles to people with a certain look but no experience. Tony seems glad to have helped. Meanwhile, Louie becomes obsessed with catching a giant cockroach, that ultimately eats a piece of meat and part of the line off of his fishing pole. 6/12/21
• 053. The Call of the Mild – 1/21/1981
  • Bobby films a beer commercial in the mountains, and gets the inspiration to take a trip back up there himself to clear his head. Tony also decides to join him, and although Elaine tries to get Alex to talk him out of it, Alex jumps on board himself, followed by Jim. They arrive with their guide Mark Tralee (Harvey Vernon), who warns them that since he lives over 100 miles away, they’ll be alone until he picks them up a week later. Although he offers to check on them in a couple of days, they decline, and believe they’ll be okay with their six grocery bags full of food. Once he leaves, they realize that since there is no electricity, they can’t put the groceries in the refrigerator, so they agree to put it all outside to stay cold, and are proud of their survival abilities. After a long night sleeping on the floor, the next morning they find their food has been eaten. Tony goes out to shoot some game, Jim goes foraging, and Alex goes fishing. As they temperatures start to drop and the wind kicks up, they all return with almost nothing to show for it. The week passes with only tiny fish and possible blueberries, and when Sunday rolls around, the guide doesn’t show up. Jim heads out for more berries, and a turkey wanders into their cabin. They almost miss it entirely, but Alex finally works up the nerve to shoot it. They bake it and prepare to eat it, but Jim suggests they say Grace, and then rambles on about how the life was stolen from God’s creation when they killed the turkey. They are so depressed, they nearly decide to not eat it… before they all dive in full-force to devour it. Back a the cab stand, Elaine is frantically worried that no one’s heard from them, but Alex finally calls to tell her they are on their way back. She is relieved, but as she talks in the dispatcher’s booth with Louie, he closes all of the shades in the booth and tries to put the moves on her. She responds by hanging from a hook in the office. 10/9/21
• 054. Latka’s Cookies – 2/5/1981
  • Latka is late for work one morning, and after being chewed out by Louie, he tells the others that his grandmother passed away and he’s been celebrating the fact that she left him the recipe to her famous cookies. He brings in a batch, but no one is impressed because they are so hard and chewy. However, Latka tells tales of people coming from miles around to get them from her, and he plans to become the next Famous Amos… and he walks out and quits. Later that day, Jim comes in and gets a whiff of the cookies and knows right away that they are cooked with cocoa leaves, a main ingredient in cocaine. He tells Louie that the drug makes people attracted to particular disgusting things. When Elaine becomes inexplicable attracted to Louie’s ear, he tries to take full advantage of the situation. Alex comes in after-hours, wide awake and smiling, having been up all night writing an opera. Bobby enters the building jumping around doing ballet. Tony seems to be feeling normal, until he casually lifts the coffee vending machine. Alex finally composes himself and realizes what is happening and rushes over to Latka’s place, where he is talking uncontrollably to himself and baking and packaging cookies. Alex tells him that they need to detox, so they sit down together. Alex falls asleep and Latka has hallucinations of the real Famous Amos (himself aka Wally Amos). He tells Latka that he can give up Grandma Gravas’ Old Fashioned Oatmeal Cookies, and still follow other blissful things. He then his amends his statement how terrific it is to be rich and successful. Amos then floats off. 10/9/21
• 055. They Boss’s Wife – 2/12/1981
  • Louie is highly amused when their boss Mr. Ed McKenzie’s (Stephen Elliot) wife Ruth (Eileen Brennan) shows up at the cab stand angrily looking for her husband. He tries to cover for him at first, but her icy stare causes him to think twice. He thinks it is funny because he knows from experience that when she gets in a fight with her husband, that this means she will seek revenge on him by bringing home some young, attractive employee and having her way with him to make her husband jealous. Even if the person refuses, she’ll tell her husband that she slept with him anyway, and then the person disappears for good. Louie assumes it will either be Tony or Bobby. They don’t fully believe him, but they see Alex hide inside his locker, they get worried. When she finally emerges from the office, she stares around the office… and then invites Louie over for dinner. He becomes a nervous wreck, and breaks into Alex’s place so that Alex can help solve the issue. Alex has a few good ideas, but none of them prove to be feasible. Louie decides to take the bull by the horns and go over to Ruth’s place and tell her that he cannot sleep with her. However, it only takes seconds before they are in a passionate embrace. He stops himself when she calls him to come into her bedroom but his internal fight is short-lived when he comes with a flying leap onto the bed. He keeps staring and stopping his passion with her in her giant bed, but it comes to a screeching halt when Mr. McKenzie comes home. He tells his wife he wants to make up and they jump in the bed together with Louie hiding under the covers. Ed reminds her of the makeup time that kept them in bed for three days in the past. Three days later, no one at work has seen Louie. Meanwhile, Bobby practices for his mime class at work, which utterly confuses Jim. 4/5/22
• 056. The Costume Party – 2/19/1981
  • Bobby finds a briefcase in the back of his cab, and thinks that it might belong to an important theater agent with the initials N.Z. Unfortunately, no one can get it open, but Louie claims that he can. Sure enough, he is able to manipulate it and it pops open… but he closes it again before anyone can see inside. Bobby pays Louie $10 to pop it open, but Louie cannot walk away until he owns something that it is inside, so Bobby gives him a pen. Bobby and his friends go through the suitcase, and find numerous celebrity pictures, as well as a date book that lists a costume party. They all decide to crash the party to see if they run into any celebrities. They all refuse to tell Louie where the party is. Bobby goes as Cyrano de Bergerac, Elaine goes as Scarlett O’Hara, and Elaine makes costumes for Alex, Tony, and Latka to go as the Andrews Sisters. Jim naturally shows up as himself, but with bug-eye glasses. Bobby meets theatre producer Hal Prince and becomes so nervous that he throws up on him. The gang has a great time mingling with the celebrities in costume, even spotting Henry Kissinger in a Lone Ranger outfit. Latka circles the room and gets autographs, but when they read what he got, no one knows any of the names in his book. Latka identifies the man he got a “Gus Bates” autograph from as the guy in the Lone Ranger costume. They all start to suspect that none of the people at the party are celebrities after all, so they decide to leave. Alex points out that they were having fun until they realized that none of the guests were famous. He decides they should stick around and get to know the people, but when he introduces himself to Gus Bates (Hector Britt), his response is so boring, that they decide to leave. Louis Guss is Maxie Melcher, the guy retiring after 41 years, whose last name Louie doesn’t know. 4/7/22
• 057. Elaine’s Old Friend – 2/26/1981
  • After dropping off a drunken airline pilot (John Yates) at the airport, Elaine picks up an old friendly rival from high school named Mary Parker (Martha Smith). Elaine is embarrassed that she is merely a  mother, cab driver, and art gallery receptionist while Mary married an international lawyer named Michael Edwards (John Considine) and now owns an advertising agency. Elaine then starts lying about her relationship status and tells her that she is happily dating a romantic professor at Columbia named Bill Board. Mary suggests that they all four have dinner together, but Elaine blows her off. Back at the cab stand, Elaine tells everyone about her experience. When Mary again calls to ask Elaine and Bill Board to go to dinner. Alex takes the phone away and poses as Bill, accepting the invitation on their behalf. Alex promises to behave himself and try to impress Mary. He behaves so romantically, complimenting Elaine, and even telling true stories from their past, which Elaine is frankly surprised that Alex remembers. When Alex and Elaine dance, they kiss passionately on the dance floor. The ruse works so well that Mary becomes smitten with ‘Bill’ and starts to seem disappointed with her own husband. When Alex drops Elaine at home that night, she is certain that were some true feelings behind Alex’s performance, while he maintains that he was merely playing a role. He tries to prove it by kissing her again. When he won’t admit any feelings, she gives him an even more passionate kiss, leaving him barely unable to speak while doing his best to maintain his composure and stick to his story, while Elaine amusedly says goodnight and leaves him mumbling in the hall. Myron Natwick is the Maitre d’. 8/4/22
• 058. Out of Commission – 3/12/1981
  • After Tony is knocked out yet again, this time by one punch, by a boxer named Shotgun (Jesse Goins), his doctor Dr. Webster (Al Ruscio) recommends that Tony quit boxing since he has been knocked out so many times. Tony’s manager Lou-Lou Pantusso (Carmine Caridi) takes his commission and leaves Tony with $20. Tony has no intention of quitting, stating that boxing is his life, but soon the Boxing Commission reviews his record and decides to suspend his license. Tony is crestfallen, and Louie is also upset since he has been raking in money betting against him. Lou-Lou stops by the cab stand to tell everyone that Tony is going to fight again using a retired fighter’s name Kid Rodriguez. Lou tries to stall Tony before his next fight, and then Alex, Jim, and Bobby show up to try and talk Tony out of fighting again. Bobby tries to rip up Tony’s trunks so he can’t fight, but they belong to a muscular boxer (Jon St. Elwood) who charges Bobby five dollars for them. Alex tries a last ditch effort to talk Tony out of it, but Tony is adamant that boxing is his life. Tony still puts on his fake mustache and sideburns and heads to the ring to fight Alberto ‘El Gato’ Martinez (Mauricio Aldana), with Alex following. He finally convinces Tony that if he would get seriously hurt, the other boxer would feel terribly. Tony finally decides to quit, and tries to tell Alberto in the midst of the match, but Alberto keeps beating him. Finally, Tony lands a good punch and knocks out Alberto. However, Tony exits the ring before Alberto can be counted out, and he is disqualified by the referee (Vince Delgado). In the dressing room, Tony hangs up his gloves… and his mustache. James F. “Jimmy” Lennon is the ring announcer. 8/4/22
• 059. Zen and the Art of Cab Driving – 3/19/1981
  • Jim picks up two businessmen (Nicholas Hormann, Michael Mann) at the airport one night in his cab. They ask him to take them to the Plaza Hotel, but after figuring out where the hotel is located on the map, he winds up taking them right back to the airport. As he then drives them to the hotel, Jim overhears them talking about an inspirational leader who is a guru of ‘dynamic perfectionism’. Jim returns to the cab station newly inspired to dedicating his life to this philosophy, whereby he will work from the ground up to achieve perfectionism through hard work at every level of his career. He decides to go out for a second shift and try to bring home more than his usual meager amount. He winds up staying out for nearly 24 hours until everyone at the cab stand is worried about him. When he finally returns, Louie fires him… but then realizes he has brought back $373 in fares, at which point Jim becomes Louie’s hero. One of his passengers (James MacKrell) is taken to Carnegie Hall by Jim, and after seeing all of the perks Jim offers, including free coffee, sandwiches, friendly conversation, and earphones that lead to Jim singing Sinatra singing into a funnel, the passenger tells him what a freak he is. However, Jim gets him there early and he decides to enjoy a cup of coffee and another spin around the block after all. That night he sets a new record in fares, much to Louie’s delight. Jim then announces that he’s done working so hard, as he has now achieved his initial goal and plans to move onto another one. He invites everyone over to his place where he will reveal the new goal. Everyone is curious, especially when they see a giant object covered in blankets in his living room. Jim initially forgets what it is, but when he pulls back the rugs, it is a giant home video center, complete with multiple TV’s, VHS, and videodisc players. Everything thinks it is strange but offer their support for him reaching his ‘goal’. Everyone decides to leave, but they each get sucked back in when at least one of the TVs is showing something that interests them. Alex says he will pass, as he would rather get out and talk to real people. However, he too is sucked back in by live coverage of the Deleware legislature deciding to call themselves Delawareans. 12/1/22
• 060. Louie’s Mother – 3/26/1981
  • One rainy afternoon, Louie excitedly announces that he’s finally gotten his mother Gabriella (Julia DeVito) out of the house and into a rest home. He also tells everyone that he’s having a lavish party to celebrate, but that none of the cab drivers are invited. Privately, however, he invites Alex to come. Out of morbid curiosity, Alex accepts the invitation. When he arrives at the party, he finds that there are only three oddball guys named Lyle, Huey, and Daytona Dave. Not a single one of them says a single word, then they all get up and announce they are leaving for another party. Louie admits that he met them at the site of an auto accident when he and these three were the last ones there. Alex finds it obvious that Louie truly misses his mother, and he eventually admits it when he becomes obsessed with the things she left at the house, including one of her shoes. Alex takes pity on him and asks him to join him at Mario’s for a drink. Later at work, Louie is moping around, and is regularly reduced to tears since he misses her so much. Even Latka cannot make him angry… even when he tries insulting Louie. Elaine suggests that they invite Louie to play some poker with them, but when Alex asks, “who raised Louie?” in the game, this reminds Louie of his mother, and he starts bawling again. Alex has Louie look at himself in the mirror to see how pathetic it looks, and this snaps him out of it. He then begins snapping and yelling at everyone, and then tells everyone he is leaving to pick up his mommy. She will only speak to him through the door, and tells him that he should be getting married, either to Elaine Nardo or Susan Anton. He admits that none of the women he tells her about actually like him, and that he needs her. She tells him that she will come back home, as long as he isn’t mean to her. He agrees and she comes out of her room with her luggage and a cigarette dangling from her mouth. She blows smoke in his face. He tells her she shouldn’t carry her suitcase in her bad hand and puts it in her other hand as they head back home. 12/1/22
• 061. Bobby’s Roommate – 4/9/1981
  • Elaine is busy looking for a new apartment since hers is going co-op and she can no longer afford to stay there. Both Alex and Tony offer to let her sleep on their couches, but she declines. She also tells them that her relationship with a new guy named Steve is too new to suggest staying with him. Meanwhile, Bobby has good news in that he was hired to tour to three cities to perform in a play of Under the Yum Yum Tree. This is especially good news for Elaine, as she can stay in his apartment while he is gone for the month. After a week, Elaine has cleaned up Bobby’s apartment thoroughly and has Alex and Tony over to celebrate. Just then, Bobby returns to the apartment, having gotten fired for sleeping with the director’s daughter on the bus ride down to Florida. He tells Elaine that she can continue to stay at the apartment for as long as she needs and that he will even take the couch. Neither Alex nor Tony think it is a good idea for them to stay together as they feel Bobby will put the move on her because that is the way he is. He assures them that he would never do that, and Elaine resents their interference. She later tells Alex that she has had really good conversations with Bobby and that they are getting along fine. She then gets a phone call from Steve, who wants to break things off with her. Alex offers to go out for beers with her to cheer her up, but she says she’s prefer to go home… where she will be with Bobby. Alex warns Bobby how vulnerable she is, but Bobby says he will continue to be a friend only. That night, Elaine wakes up in the middle of the night and wants to talk to Bobby. He comforts her and she gives him a hug, then offers to break open some wine with him. Bobby gets nervous and quickly calls Alex to tell him that she’s all over him. Before they start drinking, Bobby tells Elaine that it is not a good idea to go down the road she is leading him to. She laughs at him, and then gets angry that he would think she is trying to seduce him. The agree to put it behind them and continue as friends. Just then, Alex bursts in the door, having ran in the snow to her place in his bare feet. Elaine expresses her anger and resentfulness at both of them, but they assure her they’re only acting this way because they care about her. Elaine tells Alex he can’t go home dressed that way and invites him to stay over as well. They all pour the wine and toast their difficult week. 5/16/23
• 062. Louie Bumps into an Old Lady – 4/16/1981
  • Louie flirts with a new cabbie named Janine (Lane Brody) and offers to take her out and show her the ropes of driving a cab. After they leave, Janine immediately returns with Louie not far behind her carrying an old lady named Edith Tremayne (Iris Korn), who he claims passed out in front of his cab. Janine tells a different story in that Louie ran her over. Louie begins fussing over Edith, buying her a wheelchair, sending her flowers every day, and being her friend, all in the hopes that the won’t sue him. She acts super appreciative of him and says that she hopes it won’t ruin their friendship when she does in fact take him to court. She claims her attorney (Joe Medalis) is forcing her to sue him for one million dollars. Louie is furious and begs the boss to let the company to cover his expenses, which he says they’ll do… and then deduct form his salary. While Louie ponders what to do, Alex finally remembers where he saw Edith before. He recalls that one of their former drivers named Sonny Bergmeyer had hit this same woman in his cab. He then found a list of other drivers claiming that they had hit her and then settled out of court with her. When Alex tells this to Louie, he can’t wait to get her into court so that he can humiliate her. He bribes Alex by promising to be nice to everyone to find Sonny Bergmeyer and bring him into court to testify. Before the trial begins, Edith tells her own lawyer that she messed up this time actually did break her leg when she took the spill in front of Louie’s cab. Jim overhears this and tries to tell Louie, but by the time Louie will listen to him, Jim forgets what he was going to say. Despite his own lawyer’s (Sam De Fazio) advice, Louie asks the judge’s (Jay Flash Riley) if he can address Edith on his own. Louie then implies that her injuries are fake, and to prove it, he pushes her in her wheelchair out of the court room, and expecting her to jump out of the chair, down sixteen flights of stairs. Making matters worse, when Sonny finds out who he is saving by showing up in court, he declines to come in and help him. Louie is ultimately arrested, but Sonny gives Alex the list of names of other cabbies who were conned by Edith. Alex notes that the sooner he gets them all to cooperate, the quicker they’ll get Louie out of jail. He contemplates moving as slow as he possibly can. 5/16/23
• 063. Bobby and the Critic – 4/30/1981
  • Bobby is starring in a one-man play called Charles Darwin Tonight. While looking through the reviews, he notices that a mean-spirited critic named John Bowman (John Harkins) has left a particularly nasty review of one of his actor friends, Patty Ganzel. Bobby is so annoyed with this critic that he composes his own scathing review of the critic himself to send into the paper. At the last minute, he has second thoughts since Bowman could destroy his career. He tosses the note in the trash before he goes out to start his cab shift. Louie has been listening to the whole conversation, so he pulls the note from the trash can and sends it into the paper anyway. The next morning when Bobby comes in, he wants to talk to Louie about what he did. Even though Louie has locked himself into his cage, Bobby has an acetylene torch that can get him out. Before he uses it, he gets a call from his agent, who has been receiving multiple compliments for his bravery in standing up to the critic. Louie also tells Bobby about the multiple people who have called to praise him. Louie has one extra message: letting him know that Bowman is coming to see his play performance. The next night, Bobby is incredibly nervous to perform and criticizes his own performance in the show. His friends all think he did well, but he is self-conscious and thinks he performed poorly. As the gang all celebrate after the show at Mario’s, John Bowman shows up and finds Bobby. He tells Bobby that although he wanted to hate his performance, he found it refreshing and said it commanded his attention, despite the poor writing of the work. Bowman shows Bobby the glowing review, and Bobby apologizes for all of the things he said in the letter to the paper. Bowman then takes the review he wrote for Bobby and rips it up. He notes that a bad review would make Bobby a hero, and a good one could make his career, but not publishing it all could keep him unknown. Bobby tells Bowman that the only thing he cares about is what he thought of his performance. Jim then reminds him that he had thought it was terrible. Meanwhile, Latka wins a new set of clothes from a contest at the local burger joint. He winds up wearing workout suit to work, with a suit underneath. 9/20/23
• 064. On the Job: Part 1 – 5/7/1981
  • Louie has a meeting with McKenzie and the executives upstairs, and Latka thinks that the Sunshine Cab Company is going belly-up. His theory proves to be true, and everyone is laid off. As everyone says goodbye to each other, they agree to meet up again in a month to compare notes on how their job searches go. Before they leave, they hear a gunshot and assume that McKenzie has shot himself. Thirty days later, they reveal that he didn’t shoot himself, but rather shot his accountant. One by one, they all tell the tale of their job searches. Tony takes a job making gambling collections for a bookie named Lou-Lou (Carmine Caridi). Tony goes to see a priest (John O’Leary) and tells him about his new job and how it makes him feel so guilty. It turns out that Tony is just there to collect from the priest, but all he can offer is his watch given to him by the archbishop. Tony says Lou-Lou won’t accept that, but the priest offers to come talk to him directly. Lou-Lou won’t accept the watch and tells Tony it is his job to collect the debt by whatever means possible. Tony can’t bring himself to rough up the priest, so he agrees to pay the debt himself. Lou-Lou then has a change of heart and tells the priest he will take his watch. He adds it to his cabinet full of trophies and other trinkets. When Tony asks to be paid by Lou-Lou, he hands him an Emmy Award. Elaine goes to work as a secretary for a businessman named George Givens (Bill Wiley). He has been with the company for 23 years and has kept himself quiet and anonymous, and he tries to stay that way. Elaine reads some of Givens’ reports and thinks that he has some good ideas for the company. She encourages him to speak out to the board members. At the next meeting, with Elaine’s encouragement, Givens presents his ideas to the Chairman of the Board (John Petlock). These includes some wild notions like divesting the movie theaters, real estate, South America, burlap, forests, coal fields, and chemical companies. He suggests that they only invest in nuclear weapons, hospitals, and t-shirts. Ultimately this ends his time with the company, and Elaine is fires right along with him. Jim tells about his experience selling vacuum cleaners door-to-door. One housewife (Alice Hirson) lets him come in and talk about Magic Carpet Wizard, and he begins making a disastrous mess on the floor. He then opens his briefcase and looks for a place to plug in his book. He has forgotten that he didn’t get the job selling vacuums, but instead is trying to sell encyclopedias. Latka’s job is actually working at Mario’s as a busboy, and his break ends when it becomes his turn to tell his story. NOTE: This is the first of a two-part episode. Robert Balderson is Mr. Barrett. 9/21/23
• 065. On the Job: Part 2 – 5/14/1981
  • The gang continues to tell the stores of the jobs they tried while out of work from the Sunshine Cab Company. Louie tries to brag that he’s rolling in the dough by using a dollar bill to light his cigar. However, Tommy the bartender reveals that Louie is cashing an unemployment check. Louie tells the story about how he forced his way into a stock broking company and strong-armed the head of the firm Mr. Gray (Michael McGuire) into hiring him. Louie does a good job and is a top salesman, even if the does do questionable things like try and sell stocks in a cloning company, tries to sell stock to widows whose husbands just passed away, and try to sell to children after telling them to get their parents checkbook. Mr. Gray overhears some of these things and decides to fire him, although it has nothing to do with Louie’s poor ethics. It is simply because everyone in the office finds him disgusting and appalling. On his way out, Louie steals a computer from the office. Bobby tells the tale of how he stayed in the entertainment business… by working in costume to entertain at children’s parties. One of his efforts was for the child of famous film director Cynthia Beck (Claire Malis). He tries to impress her by doing a reading from the play Whose Life Is It Anyway? She rewards him by giving him a job playing a clown at her daughter’s birthday party. Alex describes how he became a security guard for an apartment complex, which consisted of little more than sitting in front of several monitors, one of which is for a camera pointed directly at him. He passes the time by pretending to host a talk show, then doing a station sign off at the end of his shift. He is caught in the act by another security guard (Al Lewis), who tells him that after twenty years, he’ll get used to the tedium. After Alex leaves, the guard pulls out his ventriloquist dummy and begins a show of his own. In the present, Louie gets a phone call indicating that the Sunshine Cab Company is now under new ownership, and everyone is being called back. Louie rushes back to his job, but the others take a few minutes to process whether they want to go back. Ultimately, they decide that they stink at everything else, and they head back as well. They realize once they are there that the place feels like home, even though Jim needs to be reminded what their job actually is. Howie Allen and Heather Hobbs are kids at the party. Dana Halsted is Mr. Gray’s secretary Ms. Lang. Clint Young is Mr. Gray’s security guard.  NOTE: This is the second of a two-part episode. 1/20/24
• 066. Latka the Playboy – 5/21/1981
  • Latka has a crush on a girl named Karen (Robin Klein) who comes into Mario’s, and the guys encourage him to go talk to her. They finally drag him over and he introduces himself, but she quickly shoots him down. Bobby wants to tell her off, but she winds up needing a cab, so he takes her…. and then she turns him down as well. Latka later laments being known as the cute, funny little guy, so he vows to become more worldly. He takes a weeklong vacation and reads Playboy magazine and listens to Amercian disc jockeys. When he returns, he has perfectly affected an American accent, now walks with swagger, has a complete personality change, and now goes by the name Vic Ferrari. This time when he talks to Karen, he is confident and successful, and they wind up dating. No once can believe the change, and Jim doesn’t even realize he is the same guy. Latka’s new personality spills over into his day-to-day life and he is now quick to talk back to Louie. Latka even quickly loses interest in Karen since he feels he can now have any woman. The guys get tired of his new personality traits and try to bring out the old Latka with no success. Even Alex admits that although there was some condescension toward the old Latka, he simply doesn’t like the new one. This gets under Latka’s skin, and he winds up crying himself to sleep one night. The next day he goes to see Alex and tells him that even he does not like himself as the new Latka but can’t remember the old one well enough to bring him back. Alex coaches him through remembering the old version of himself, and soon the old Latka resurfaces. He goes through a long talk of gibberish to catch Alex up on all that has happened to him since his ‘transformation’. Meanwhile, Louie hires an exterminator (George Wendt) to rid his cage of cockroaches, but after the exterminator finishes, Louie notices that his sandwich is crawling away. 1/20/24

SEASON 4

• 067. Jim the Psychic – 10/8/1981
  • After Latka insults America hockey game, he gets under Tony’s skin, and they nearly come to blows. The end up drawing cards with the low card person having to remain quiet for seven days. When Tony gets the high card, Latka has to immediately cease talking. Meanwhile, Jim comes into work disheveled and telling Alex that he had a dream that he will die on Thursday at exactly 7:00pm. The details of the dream are oddly specific, and he details how Alex will drink a glass of water quickly, someone will mistake him for a girl, and he will do the can-can in a green shirt and a catcher’s mask. Then someone will come to the door, and this will be the end for him. He also tells Jim that between now and then, Jim will meet a beautiful blonde, who will fall into his arms, and they will date up until his death. Louie tells Alex not to take Jim’s psychic power lightly because Jim is so different that he might have gotten the gift of foreseeing the future from God. As Latka finds other way to communicate using notes and tape recordings of his voice, all the while still finding ways to annoy Tony, the group hangs out at Mario’s and start remembering predictions that Jim had made that ended up coming true. When two guys (J.P. Bumstead, Bob Larkin) get into a dispute at a bar, they wind up nearly knocking an attractive blonde named Peggy (Diane Peterson) off her feet and into Jim’s lap. They wind up dating, just as Jim had predicted. When Thursday rolls around, Louie is more concerned than ever, while Alex refuses to let it stop him from living his life. Alex tells Louie that he won’t be home anyway, as he and Peggy have a date. However, when Peggy calls the cab stand to tell Alex that she is sick, Louie gets the message and rushes over to see Alex. Although Alex refuses to do anything differently, he does seem a little spooked when a person calls on the phone and mistakes him for someone named ‘Mary’, and then he chokes on a nut and has to drink water quickly. It still doesn’t convince him, and just to prove it, he dons a green shirt and hockey mask and begins doing the can-can. When someone comes to the door at 7:00pm, Louie pleads with him not to open the door. Alex opens it anyway and it is nothing more than a Girl Scout (Kiva Dawson) selling cookies, who gets spooked and runs off when Louie screams in her face. Louie tells Alex how much he admires his bravery, and then they split the cookies she left behind. The next day, Jim thinks he is seeing a ghost when Alex walks in, but he tells Jim that he may be psychic, but was way off with this one. 6/11/24
• 068. Vienna Waits – 10/15/1981
  • When Elaine’s ex-husband Vince shows up out of the blue to take the kids for four weeks, she decides that she is going to spend her free time touring Europe. She asks Alex to go along with her, but he says that he would feel uncomfortable because the attraction between them might prevent him from meeting the European women he’s like to meet. She insists that everything will be purely platonic and that if he wants to go off with a woman or she wants to go off with a man, there will be no problem between them. He agrees to go along with her, and almost immediately on the airplane, he spots a woman (Patch Mackenzie) whom he’d like to meet. She quickly turns him down by spraying Binaca in his eyes, while Michelle meets a guitar-playing man named Todd Bentley (Gary Phillips) within seconds. Once the reach London, Alex and Elaine agree to meet every day to write postcards to send back home. Initially, Alex doesn’t want to stick to this as he has plans to meet a woman, but it is only Elaine who has a date with a guy named James (Warwick Sims). Later, Alex and Elaine have moved onto Greece, where Elaine has been spending her time with a man named Oumas (Reuven Bar-Yotam), while Alex is merely fed up with the smell of men bringing in the fish each day. Alex gets upset when Elaine tells him she only has time to one postcard with him before heading out with Oumas to dive into the Aegean Sea. However, a date he made with a girl named Desiree (Cassandra Gava) actually pans out when she shows up. Unfortunately, she expects him to take her out to the casino, but he has almost completely run out of money, so she heads off without him. On their last night in Europe, Alex plans to have dinner of a clear broth alone, but when Elaine sees him, she offers to give him some money. Alex tells her how much he admires the exotic dates she’s had even though he has found it very lonely. She offers to forego her dinner party for their last night and just take a walk with him. He warns her that the moon and the Danube might cause them to become romantic, and she reminds him that their friendship has survived being depressed, neurotic, sad, angry, hostile, stupid, and ugly, and that it should be able to survive one night of love. Alex is thrilled that he finally got a date in Europe. Robert L. Hughes is the waiter. 6/11/24
• 069. Mr. Personalities – 10/22/1981
  • While Tony considers going back to school since he can no longer box, Elaine comes into Mario’s and tells Alex that she got an appointment with psychologist Dr. Jeffries (Barry Nelson) for Latka, who has been changing personalities every day. When she is called away to deal with her fighting kids Jason and Jennifer, it is up to Alex to take Latka to see him. Latka has been sitting in the bar the entire time under the sway of his new personality, cowboy Arlo. Upon arrival, Alex meets a woman named Doris Marie Winslow (Bernadette Birkett), who says she is having her last cigarette. ‘Arlo’ snaps out of his personality and returns to his normal persona of Latka, just as the receptionist Lynne (Wendy Goldman) calls him in. Dr. Jeffries tries to get information from Latka about his past, but just as he is ready for a breakthrough about his mother, he returns to his personality of playboy Vic Ferrari. After telling a few jokes, Latka returns and tells Dr. Jeffries how his mother used to make him spend summers with his Uncle Babka, who was cruel to him. When Dr. Jeffries tells Latka that he’d like to talk to Alex Rieger, Latka suddenly turns into Alex Rieger and says that Latka won’t be returning. When Alex comes in and meets him, he is unnerved by this. It only gets worse as Latka sticks with his Alex persona. What’s worse, he suddenly seems to be able to do everything better than the real Alex. He gives Elaine advice on how to make her kids get along, and he shoots down Alex’s advice for Tony to try and become a boxing referee. Louie is pleased that he is bringing in more money, and Elaine asks Latka to go to a Lena Horne concert when Alex is unavailable. Alex is incredulous that everyone is accepting this, so he insists on taking Latka back to Dr. Jeffries. He decides to stay in the session and is stunned to hear Latka lay out all of the emotional problems that Alex actually has, including the fact that he feels everyone looks to him for advice, but he aways seems to feel alone and that the life he loves doesn’t seem to reciprocate. Latka says he has come up with the answer for this problem, on that is simple and has been staring him in the face. Alex is beside himself with excitement to hear his answer, but he suddenly returns to his Latka persona. Latka finds the Lena Horne tickets in his pocket and heads off to see the show. Alex decides to use the remaining time on the session to stay and talk with Dr. Jeffries. 10/9/24
• 070. Jim Joins the Network – 10/29/1981
  • Jim finds a TV producer named Janine (Melendy Britt) and her program director Mitch Harris (Martin Short) in his taxi and he overhears them talking about their careers. Mitch talks her into sticking with her job even though she is ready to quit because of bad ratings. Unfortunately, this means she has to fire Mitch if he doesn’t bring the ratings up. After Janine leaves the cab, Jim and Mitch start talking about TV programming, and Jim tries to tell that a musical variety show called The Pittsburgh Steelers at Marineland will be a big hit, while their soap opera Hometown Girl will not. Mitch blows him off and tells him to not give him advise about programming, and he won’t tell him how to drive a cab… even when Jim starts to drive into a tunnel’s exit. Later, Jim gets a call from Mitch, telling him that he was exactly correct in his prediction and asks him to come to his office so that he can bounce some other ideas off of him. Mitch is embarrassed to be taking advice from a cab driver, so he asks Jim to pose as a shoeshine boy if anyone asks. Jim gives him some advice about placing a celebrity game show on Friday night, which goes against every one of his instincts. This proves to be another winning idea, and the network takes first place in the ratings for that night for the first time in a while. When Jim tells the others what he has been doing, Alex gets furious that the network is taking advantage of Jim and not compensating him for his gift. Jim goes to talk to Mitch, bringing his shoeshine equipment along. When Jim confronts Mitch, he agrees that he was taking advantage of him, and he tells Janine that Jim deserves the credit. She just wants to drag Mitch off to a party to celebrate their success, and she says that inspiration and ideas come from all sorts of people, even the shoeshine boy. Mitch still feels bad and offers to give Jim a job, but Jim says he doesn’t want to take money for his gift to see into the future. He says he’ll collect for the shoeshines, though, so he gives Mitch a bill for $150,000. Meanwhile, Louie is hellbent on catching a mouse, but Elaine doesn’t want to see it killed, so she tells him she can bring in a humane trap and save Louie the money. She brings in an elaborate tube with bells and whistles on it to catch the mouse in a jar. However, once Louie catches it, he sees that it is a baby and can’t bring himself to kill it, so he sets it free. 10/9/24

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