The Terrible Catsafterme

SEASON 1 – CBS

Theme song: “Nice Work if You Can Get It” by George and Ira Gershwin, sung by Cybill Shepherd

• 001. Virgin, Mother, Crone – 1/2/1995
  • Los Angeles actress Cybill Sheridan (Cybill Shepherd) is being relegated to small roles as she gets older, including a vampire film in which she can’t stop laughing at Stefan (Victor Rivers) playing the vampire. Cybill lives with her sixteen-year-old daughter Zoey (Alicia Witt), whose father, author Ira Woodbine (Alan Rosenberg), has recently divorced Cybill, and now he is in the process of trying to win her back. Cybill’s first ex-husband is stuntman Jeff Robbins (Tom Wopat), and they have an adult daughter Rachel Blanders (Dedee Pfeiffer) who is married to Kevin and has just announced that she is pregnant. Cybill accepts a date with a man named Teddy (Tim Matheson) whom she meets while in traffic. Cybill’s best friend is alcoholic Maryann Thorpe (Christine Baranski), who has also recently divorced her husband Dr. Dick. Despite trying to win Cybill back, Ira is dating a much younger woman named Cat (Cindy Ambuehl) and they plan to take Zoey to a rap concert. Zoey is dating an college boy named Kelly (Ivan Sergei), which Cybill is against and warns Zoey vehemently about. As it starts to sink in that she is becoming a grandmother, Cybill decides to sleep with Teddy on the third date to prove her vitality… but Teddy is unable to perform. Cybill is then called to pick up Zoey who has been dumped by Kelly when he finds out how old she is. Cybill decides to be more grandmotherly and not give her a big speech but be more compassionate. Cybill gets a bit on Hart to Hart, acting with Robert Wagner (himself) and Stefanie Powers (herself). Tim Maculan is the waiter. John David Conti is the detective in Hart to Hart. 9/19/16
• 002. How Can I Call You My Ex-Husbands If You Won’t Go Away? – 1/9/1995
  • Cybill rehearses a film called What She Did for Love with casting directors Stan (Jack Blessing) and Charlie (Curtis Armstrong), but then finds out that a nude scene as a prisoner in the shower will be involved. Meanwhile Jeff’s apartment is damaged in an earthquake, and Cybill lets him stay with her in the efficiency about the garage. Ira and Cybill have their monthly dinner to discuss Zoey, and it becomes clear that Ira is trying to grow and become more mature. They go parking in the hills, and Ira tries to romance Cybill, until his Porsche is stolen while they dance under the stars. When Ira brings her home and tries to kiss her, they are interrupted by Jeff, which causes a fight between the exes. When Cybill storms out, Jeff and Ira have dinner together. Maryann keeps harassing her ex-husband Dick by calling and hanging up, but when she hears a woman answer the phone, she talks Cybill into going over and spying on them. Dog walker George Hamilton (himself) spies Cybill showing her breasts to Maryann to get an opinion. The ladies end up using his dog’s poop to set on fire and leave on Dick’s doorstep as a divorce ceremony, thus giving closure to Maryann. When Cybill returns home, she finds the exes discussing her and determining that she shouldn’t do the film. She does the film anyway with Erik Estrada (himself), and as they watch it, they are impressed with her nude scenes, not knowing that it was actually a body double (Cheryl Maxfield). Ellen Greene is Sharon. 9/19/16
• 003. As the World Turns to Crap – 1/16/1995
  • Cybill finds herself in competition with her co-star Andrea Stone (Morgan Fairchild) when she finds out from the producer Barry (David Clennon) that one of their characters will die after a car accident coma but he hasn’t decided which one. In order to butter him, Cybill invites Barry over to her house to make him dinner, which happens to be the same night that Rachel is having her in-laws Ed (Ken Jenkins) and Betty (Christina Pickles) from Boston over for dinner. The in-laws announce that Rachel and Kevin (Neal McDonough) are intending to move to Boston to get them away from the seedy Hollywood lifestyle. This theory seems heavily supported when Maryann gets drunk, Barry comes over to try and get Cybill to bed, and Andrea shows up to get Barry away from Cybill and ends up in a fistfight with her… all culminating with an earthquake. Cybill ends up throwing Barry out and telling her that she won’t compromise her integrity to keep the job. When watching the soap later, Cybill is surprised when Andrea’s character dies, while her character Monica makes a recovery… but is played by soap actress Genie Francis (herself). Patricia Belcher is the soap nurse and Rick Deats is the soap doctor. 10/2/16 
• 004. Look Who’s Stalking – 1/23/1995
  • Cybill does a commercial for Carter’s Market and people all over town are repeating her catch phrase “Can Do!” Meanwhile she meets a psychiatrist named Mark Davis (Bruce Davison) while dog-walking. Ira wants to celebrate after being awarded with a Full Length fiction award from the L.A. Book Critics Association for his novel Lowenstein’s Lament and then gets an advance on a follow-up book, but Cybill has to turn him down because she had a date with Mark, who they later find out was Ira’s former psychiatrist. Maryann befriends a woman named Sharon (Ellen Greene) because she is dating Maryann’s ex-husband Richard and unknowingly gives her information about him. While spying on Richard, Maryann finds out that Richard is cheating on Sharon. Ira spills the beans to Sharon, and Maryann tells her about Richard because she feels bad for her. Ira worries about Mark revealing things about him to Cybill, while Cybill stresses over what Ira has told Mark about her. Cybill ends the relationship with Mark, and goes to see Ira, who is struggling with writer’s block. They admit they both have unresolved feelings for each other, but agree that they can only remain friends. They almost become intimate until Cybill sees him wearing the plaid underwear she hates. Maryann, Cybill, and Sharon throw an oil balloon through Richard’s window. Tim Riggi is Dennis the director. 10/2/16
• 005. Starting on the Wrong Foot – 2/6/1995
  • Cybill is anxious to set up Maryann with Ira’s friend, recent divorcee named Phil Asher (Stephen Root), but she tries to avoid going on her first date since her divorce. Cybill is finally able to convince her, only to find that Phil is rather unrefined and a slob. However this doesn’t deter Maryann from falling hard for him, and buying him a pair of expensive shoes on their first date… and sending him a new pair every day. Phil thinks she is nuts and stops calling her, so Cybill has to intervene and tell her that her behavior isn’t normal. Maryann wants some closure so they visit Phil at his office. She makes a nice apology, but then flips out on him when she sees he is wearing the shoes. Jeff ends up setting her up with a stuntman friend of his. Meanwhile Cybill tries to get Jeff to find a new place to leave, and avoids going on a date with her co-star Jonathan Frakes (himself), who continually speaks in Star Trek terminology. Zoey decides to become celibate, and Cybill and Ira are concerned that it is a result of their failed marriage. Zoey hints she’s still gaga over men, namely Jonathan Frakes.  Robin Jameson is the salesgirl. 1/1/17
• 006. Call Me Irresponsible – 2/13/1995
  • Cybill does Ira a favor by buying some sexy lingerie for his Valentine’s Day date when he forgets his wallet, with the stipulation that he will do anything for her at a future point in time. When Dr. Dick buys a new Porsche, Maryann decides to max out his credit card by going on a spending spree. Rachel lovingly tells Cybill to focus more on her own life than worrying about hers. Cybill and Maryann hang out together on Valentine’s Day but get bored and decide to head to Las Vegas. Cybill has to cash in her favor with Ira to get him to babysit Zoey, even though it means leaving behind his date. The ladies have a blast in Vegas, even though they have no idea how to gamble…until they finally max out Dr. Dick’s credit card. Back home Jeff goes on his date and winds up getting poison oak on his hands, and when he returns home and finds Ira there, he coaxes Ira into assisting him with feeding him his cereal and helping him use the bathroom. Cybill talks Maryann into going skydiving, but Cybill is the only one who actually jumps from the plane. When Cybill returns home, Rachel is there wanting marital advice but at this point Cybill is too exhausted to give it. Cybill does a singing commercial for Toasted Chickies, and finds the woman director Danielle (the show’s co-executive producer Linda Wallem) even more difficult than most men she’s worked for. Antony Sandoval is Guy the limo driver. Deron McBee is the waiter. Matt McKenzie is the jumpmaster. Blu Van Zandt is the roulette dealer. Del Zamora is the dealer. 1/1/17 
• 007. See Jeff Jump, Jump, Jeff, Jump! – 2/20/1995
  • Cybill is working on a horror film starring TV twin stars Stacey (Amy Holder) and Tracey (Heather Holder), and it turns out that Jeff gets a job as Cybill’s stunt performer. However after he gets into a fight with two dwarf stunt men Vic (Kevin Thompson) and Harvey (Michael Gilden), he gets fired from the job. Admitting later that he actually feared making a jump he purposely lost the job and plans to change careers and become an entertainment executive. A week later he hasn’t got a single call and is sitting around the house depressed. Cybill, anxious to get him out of her house, calls in Ira, but their conversation only results in depressing Ira and giving him writer’s block. Cybill then goes to see Jeff’s stuntman muse Stitch Sullivan (R.G. Armstrong) at the Motion Picture Retirement Center and gets him to come and speak to Jeff, and he is finally able to convince Jeff that he’ll never attract women if he doesn’t return to the business. However on the set of Jeff’s next Peter Bogdanovich (himself) film, Jeff is again too scared to jump. It only takes Cybill’s nagging to get him to finally jump, but thanks to Maryann’s obsession with the latest murder trial, the cameraman is watch the news and doesn’t get the shot. Jeff makes the jump again and winds up in a neck brace. Earl Houston Bullock is the horror director. Morey Amsterdam, Slappy White, Charlie Callas, and Jack Carter appear as residents at the motion picture home. 4/9/17
• 008. The Curse of Zoey – 2/27/1995
  • After Cybill goes up against Sharon Stone (Katherine Armstrong) for an acting job in a Martin Scorsese, Maryann’s psychic friend Claire (Christine Dunford) tells Cybill that there is a ‘black cloud’ living in her house bringing her bad luck. Her luck continues to get worse when her roof starts to leak, but as soon as Zoey decides to move in with Ira since he is easier to take advantage of, Cybill gets a national commercial, Jeff moves in with his new girlfriend Kirsten (Kristin Bauer), and Cybill meets an attractive man (Greg Wrangler) at the gym. When Zoey erases some of Ira’s computer files and then throws away the beeper he forces on her, Zoey moves back home… and immediately the bad luck – and Jeff – come back. Meanwhile Maryann is told by Claire that her soul mate is a man she knows who works with paper and letters, so she assumes it is Ira. However when she makes a pass at him, she is embarrassed and becomes angry with Claire. Unbeknownst to her, her postman (Gregory Balaban) is pining for her from afar. Robert Dorfman is Andy. 4/9/17 
• 009. The Replacements – 3/13/1995
  • While bowling with Maryann, Cybill meets her new boyfriend, classical bassoonist Bob (Jeff Alllin), and Cybill finds herself a third wheel, and is warned by another bowler Stewie (Michael Traeger) that she is now in the ‘expendable friend zone’. After a week’s absence from each other Maryann bails on Cybill during their movie night. Cybill goes out to dinner with her old friend Patty (Christine Estabrook), with whom she recently connected with while filming a Beef Baby commercial, but her two kids Jeremy (Scotty Hauser) and Jason (Alex D. Linz) nearly drive her crazy. They run into Maryann and Bob at the restaurant, and Cybill expresses to Maryann that she feels abandoned… which ultimately leads to a falling out. Cybill tries to find other people to spend time with her, but Rachel only wants to eat all of her food and complain about her husband. Then she joins Zoey and her friend Annie (Marissa Rabisi) for dinner, but quickly embarrasses the moody girls. Maryann then calls Cybill and expresses how much she was worried about losing Cybill’s friendship… and also asks for advice on taking the next step and having sex with Bob. Back at the bowling alley, Cybill refuses a date with a man (Philip Sheppard) in favor of staying with Maryann…but then the guy gives himself away that Cybill had hired him. John Apicella is the commercial director. Kevin Gardner is the fast food waiter in the commercial. 12/1/17
• 010. Death and Execs – 3/20/1995
  • On the set of a police drama, Cybill is nearly hit by a stage light, and shaken up, she calls Ira to come and bring her home. Feeling vulnerable she winds up in bed with him, but when Zoey comes home, Ira has to hide in the closet before they even do anything. That night Cybill goes on a double date with Maryann and Bob and Bob’s boring friend Mike (Michael Harris), an oboe player. Ira and his date Nancy (Challen Cates) wind up at the same restaurant, and when Cybill confesses that she can’t stand her date, Ira suggests that they start dating again, and they wind up making out in the bathroom stall. That night after trying to explain her feelings for Ira to Maryann, Ira sneaks over and he confesses to Jeff that he wants to date her again. Jeff talks Ira into climbing up trellis – meeting Zoey climbing down the trellis. Zoey acts extremely upset about the situation, trying to parlay that into being un-grounded for trying to sneak out. Maryann helps the couple lay down the ground rules for their dating, while Zoey confesses to Rachel that she hopes they do in fact get back together. Alex Henteloff is Milo. Ellen Albertini Dow is the elderly lady. Charles Gunning is Zeke. Michael Shamus Wiles is Tony. 12/2/17
• 011. The Last Temptation of Cybill – 4/10/1995
  • Ira begins to get jealous when Cybill continuously rehearses a romantic scene with hunky play co-star Rick (Kevin Sorbo). While everyone else is attracted to Rick, Cybill keeps the relationship professional… until Rick professes his attraction to Cybill. She stops an intimate moment after a passionate kiss, but begins feeling guilty since she’s dating Ira, but winds up yelling at him for being jealous, although he is remarkably restrained. Trying to overlook their feelings, Cybill tries to edit their scenes to remove the kissing. Meanwhile Jeff finds out that Rachel walked out on Kevin after a fight about wallpaper for the baby’s room. Jeff tries to help her, but she breaks down in hysterics so Cybill has to step in. Cybill decides to quit the play to avoid the temptation. She apologizes to Ira for getting angry at him and admits that she’s wrong, but Ira stupidly tells Cybill that he will need to ‘woo’ him. The play is recast and Rick quickly falls in love with with his new co-star Zsa Zsa Gabor (herself). Elliot Gould appears as himself when Maryann spies on him walking around in the nude. 7/8/18
• 012. The Big Sleep-Over – 5/8/1995
  • Zoey asks her mother to allow her boyfriend Greg (Rodney Eastman) to stay at their house when he visits from San Francisco. She agrees to it, but Ira thinks it’s a bad idea. Greg’s brother Scott (Timothy Fall) drops him off, and Ira immediately descends on him, his stupidity, and his desire to become a roadie. Rachel also thinks he’s a loser which leads to fight between her and Zoey. Ira and Jeff also get into an argument about who was the father. Cybill has to leave to fly to Reno to stop Maryann from getting married to Bob, leaving Ira to watch over Zoey and Greg. When she arrives, she finds that Maryann has found out that Bob is married, and is marrying a lounge magician named Stefan (Eugene Alper) whom she just met. Cybill reminds her that she will lose her alimony, so Maryann calls it off. Jeff eventually admits that Ira was a good father and step-father and admits that he wishes he was more like him. Ira stays over to ensure that Zoey and Greg sleep in separate rooms. Cybill arrives home and finds Ira watching Greg sleep on the couch. Meanwile Zoey has snuck out with actual boyfriend Scott, who is working on his Masters Degree. Ira laments that she can’t dates someone like Scott, while Maryann, who spots her kissing Scott, quietly tells her that she has a very promising future. David Wesson is the Justice of the Peace. Marley Shelton plays Cybill’s daughter Jan in a Femigel commercial. 7/8/18
• 013. The Cheese Stands Alone – 5/15/1995
  • Cybill gets a guest spot on a horrible sitcom titled Family House in which she plays a secretary that comes between a husband (Joe Piscopo) and wife (Didi Conn), while Ira achieves some success when one of his screenplays is going to be made into am movie starring Anthony Hopkins. Ira asks Cybill to go to London with him where he will be working on the film, but a fight erupts when Cybill is asked to return to the sitcom, meaning she can’t go to London.. Meanwhile Maryann has a party to compete with her ex-husband Dick’s party, and she and Cybill try to sabotage his party by planting limburger cheese in the vents. While there, they spot Lyle Waggoner (himself) and his wife, who then later show up at Maryann’s party, claiming they are only friends with her. After Cybill’s fight with Ira, she and Maryann leave the party to go see Jeff’s band Jeff Robbins and the Hollywood Cowboys, who is introduced by Burt Reynolds (himself). Ira comes to the bar to discuss the fight with Cybill, but she is called on stage to sing a duet with Jeff. Ira gets frustrated and heads out, but accidentally spills the drink of stuntman Hal Needham (himself), causing a huge bar fight. While the fight is going on, Cybill and Ira decide that nothing has changed between them and Cybill decides they should break up again. George Tasudis is the foreign waiter. J.C. Alexander is Billy in the sitcom. 2/8/19

SEASON 2

• 014. Cybill Discovers the Meaning of Life – 9/17/1995
  • After doing a sexist commercial for Fraumeister Beer, Cybill begins to not only question her own morals and scruples, but the meaning of her life. She and Maryann go on a shopping spree, but when Cybill finds out that Jeff is finally moving out from her house to a houseboat, and Ira and the girls heading to a party at Aaron Spelling’s house, she can’t get rid of the empty feeling. She decides to head to the desert for a retreat. Thinking they are going to Palm Springs, Maryann tags along, but then finds that Cybill really wants to camp out in the desert. Their attempt at meditating digress into singing Hanky Panky, and then leads to a fight between them when Cybill criticizes Maryann for her lifestyle, and Maryann tells Cybill that the whole trip was a waste of time. Eventually they reconcile and Cybill admits that she no longer feels needed, and Maryann admits that she needs her. Cybill then hears a sound in the distance that sounds like a baby crying, and has a feeling she is needed at home. It turns out that Rachel has gone into labor three weeks early. Once Cybill holds her new grandson, she re-discovers her purpose in life. Doug Ballard is Lenny the director. Commercial actors include Jason Willinger as Willy, Glenn Dickerson as Skip, Becky Mullen as Ingrid. Deborah Kellar is the nurse. 2/9/19
• 015. Zing! – 9/24/1995
  • While filming a hospital drama, Cybill shuts down the advances of co-star Jay Thomas (himself) by knocking him out with a bedpan. Later she expresses her dating woes to Maryann and how she can not seem to find a guy that givers her the ‘zing’ feeling. Maryann sets Cybill up with her divorce lawyer David Whittier (Michael Bryan French), but when they go out to dinner, Cybill finds him dreadfully dull, but nonetheless unwittingly accepts another date to attend a party with his firm. David’s father David Sr. (Chad Everett) runs into them at the restaurant, and David leads him to believe that Cybill is a client so that he can write off the dinner. Cybill however feels the ‘zing’ with him, so when she attends the party with David, she winds up accepting a date with David Sr. Since the father is worried that the son won’t accept him dating another woman since his mother Muriel passed away, both David Sr. and Cybill agree to keep it a secret from David Jr. They begin dating in secret and avoiding David Jr. despite a few close calls. Before David Sr. will sleep with Cybill, he takes her to grave of Muriel to ask her permission for him to start dating, and apparently gets an answer when he has a heart attack at the headstone and has to be rushed to the hospital. David Jr. shows up with Maryann, but only Maryann realizes that she is dating him. When David Sr. wakes up, he tells Cybill he can no longer see her since Eleanor didn’t approve. Cybill visits the gravesite alone to again ‘ask permission’ but she only gets rained on. Meanwhile Maryann goes on a date with Tony Bennett (himself) and brings him over to Cybill’s house while she is in bed. Cybill and Tony ends up singing together and at the end of the show perform Nice Work if You Can Get It, the show’s theme song. Charles Champion is the doctor. 1/17/20
• 016. Since I Lost My Baby – 10/1/1995
  • While working on a commercial for Granny Snack Cakes dressed as an angel in roller skates, Cybill meets the company owner Terry Belmont (Marilu Henner), who was Jeff’s second wife… and who is now pregnant with Jeff’s baby using sperm that she had kept from him using undisclosed means. Cybill struggles whether to tell Jeff or not, but after seeing how happy is with his new grandson William, she does in fact spill the beans. Jeff tries to confront Terry to be part of the baby’s life, but she will not speak to him. He continues to pester Cybill to talk to her, but Cybill doesn’t want to get involved. Meanwhile Cybill and Maryann take William out for some high-end baby clothes shopping, and end up bringing home the wrong baby. The force the store owner Paolo (Erick Avari) to make calls to other customers. Eventually a mother (Marianne Ferrari) comes in and claims her baby, but the baby she brought back was also female. Finally a third couple (Casey Kasem, Jean Kasem) return William. Meanwhile Jeff and Ira go out drinking and Jeff calls Cybill and tells her that he is going to go to Terry’s house. Cybill finally agrees to talk to Terry, so she goes to her house and the two of them bond over tales of Jeff, who eventually shows up along with Ira, and pleads with her. She eventually admits that she still loves him and two kiss passionately. Zoey blackmails Cybill demanding a new leather coat to not tell Rachel that they had lost William. Peter Zapp is the commercial director. Rolando Melina is the grip. 1/18/20
• 017. Cybill with an ‘S’ – 10/8/1995
  • While out to dinner for Zoey’s 16th birthday, Cybill meets Ira’s latest girlfriend Judy (Wendie Malick). She and Maryann like her, but when Judy comes into the bathroom at the same time, she begins spouting random words in random voices, then leaves as if nothing has happened. Zoey spots a busboy named Sean (Jay Paulson) and falls for him at first sight. When she gets ready for a date with him, she wants her mom’s help and her clothes, and expresses how nervous she is about seeing him. When she comes home that night, she breaks it off with him for no apparent reason. Zoey and Cybill have a talk under the stars in which she confesses that there is no reason to have a relationship because they all end. Judy stops by to drop off a gift for Zoey, and Cybill realizes that she begins spouting her nonsense whenever she hears the sound of water running. She attempts to warn Ira, but he only thinks that she is jealous about him seeing someone else while she isn’t over him. That night Ira takes a bath with Judy, which she says was Cybill’s suggestion. When the water starts to cool down, Ira turns on the hot water. David Shawn Michaels is undercover officer McLain. Kristina Krofft, Betsy Mohler, and Nicki Mitchell are the hookers who aren’t hookers. 5/2/20
• 018. Cybill’s Fifteen Minutes – 10/15/1995
  • Cybill escorts actor Dennis Oliver (Harley Venton) to the Oscars, where he will be acting as a presenter. She tries to get on camera when he is interviewed by Leeza Gibbons (herself) but she is blocked from the shot and eventually falls down. At dinner after the party, Dennis is greeted by a studio bigwig Rob Norman (David Lansbury) while Cybill is summarily ignored. By the time they get home, Cybill wants to have the pleasure of throwing him out of her house, but he seems to have no interest and leaves on his own. The next morning she sees in the paper that he has been arrested in a prostitution sex scandal. Cybill is mentioned the article but her name is spelled incorrectly. She tries to protest to the media that she had nothing to do with it, but her name is splashed all over the tabloids and paparazzi and news outlets camp outside her house and fly over in a helicopter. Dennis asks to meet with Cybill so she sneaks out of the house, while Ira dresses like her and goes jogging as a decoy to the media. Dennis admits that he staged the whole thing for publicity, and hopes that she will get back together with him for the media in order to milk the publicity even longer. She ends up punching him in the face, which is caught on camera, splashed on the headlines, and gives Don King (Vance Davis) an idea for an upcoming boxing match. Meanwhile Cybill and Ira all called in to talk to Zoey’s principal Ms. Hawkins (Susan Norfleet) because she has been skipping school and is teaching the sixth grade class a substitute teacher. Although she has been collecting a check, the school is willing to let her keep it because the class’s grade average has gone up. Ms. Hawkins also mentions the sex scandal headlines, and invites Cybill and Ira for an evening at her house. 5/2/20
• 019. Nice Work If You Can Get It – 10/22/1995
  • Cybill seemingly has a new great job starring in the sitcom Hello Dickie starring Dick Van Patten (himself), but when Dick dies while taking bows to the audience, the show is cancelled and she is out of work again. Since she had already started work to re-tile her roof, the foreman Darryl (Michael P. Byrne) leaves it unfinished when Cybill is forced to pull the job. Maryann offers to give her the money to cover the repairs, but Cybill insists that it is a loan she will pay back. During lunch with Ira, he warns her that she is asking for trouble by borrowing money from Maryann. This proves to be correct when Maryann acts as if she has full reign over the roof when she hires a new crew to fix it, even changing the colors of the tiles. She also starts discussing Cybill’s career with her agent and advising her not to accept collect calls from her grandmother. Cybill gets a job at the restaurant in order to make money to pay her back. While working she runs into Steven Spielberg (Sandy Helberg) and pitches herself to play a role in Jurassic Park 2, but he misunderstands and thinks she is describing Goldie Hawn. She then gets fired from her job. She starts working other jobs including at the post office and as a gorilla delivering balloons. Zoey gets her own job at the Burger Barn and gives her mother some money to help her with her bills. Maryann finally just offers to give Cybill a gift to repay the loan, and after working through the semantics, Cybill finally agrees. Cybill and Maryann go out to celebrate and discover that Zoey had been lying and has been using a fake ID to play piano in the bar wearing a black wig. David J. Willis is the sitcom warmup. Michael P. Byrne is the first foreman Darryl. Christopher M. Brown is the second foreman Wayne. Christopher James Williams is the piano bar waiter. Simon Billig is the restaurant customer. Wendy Feiner is the balloon recipient. 8/14/20
• 020. To Sir, with Lust – 11/5/1995
  • Cybill thinks her acting teacher Trevor Hampton (Duncan Regehr) is brilliant so she asks him to go out with her and he accepts. She thinks she is going to get to sleep with him, but when she gets him excited about pulling out his old one-man show, he immediately goes home to start rehearsing. Meanwhile Zoey had taken a vow of chastity, but is consequently in a bad mood. Her boyfriend Sean respects her stance, but is all to willing to run upstairs when she can take it no more. The make out, but then he tells her that he’d rather not risk their relationship and would prefer to celibate for a while. Ira has writer’s block and thinks he can only do his best writing when he is with Cybill, so he comes to her house to attempt to work, but gets distracted by making a work of art out of household items. Cybill and Maryann go see Trevor’s play, which involves him reciting Shakespeare while sloppily eating fruit. She loses so much respect for him that she no longer wants to sleep with him. When she comes home, Ira seems ecstatic…but it is because he has decided to stop writing. She also sees how happy Zoey and Sean look and assume they’ve slept together, but naturally Zoey doesn’t want to discuss it. Maryann and Dr. Dick engage in an increasingly nasty war of pranks on each other, the last one being, with Cybill’s help, putting a goat inside his house. 8/15/20
• 021. They Shoot Turkeys, Don’t They? – 11/19/1995
  • One of Cybill’s co-stars in the TV movie she is filming is a sniveling egomaniac teen idol named Dylan (Blake Heron), and he abuses everyone from Cybill to the director (Andrew Craig) to his mother assistant Barbara (Susan Knight). Meanwhile Maryann’s long lost son Justin is coming home from years away in the rainforest. She goes to great lengths to try and impress him, by dressing down and making organic foods, all of which are against her nature. Because of this, she won’t be able to make it to Cybill’s Thanksgiving dinner, and on top of that, Zoey plans to spend her holiday with Sean’s family, Rachel is planning to head to Boston with Kevin’s (now played by Peter Krause) family, and Ira and Jeff plan to go on a camping trip together to re-capture, or find, their manhood. Cybill is disappointed that she will be alone for Thanksgiving, but things get even worse when she lays into Dylan on the set after he touches her butt and chastises her for touching his hair. Cybill lays into him, earning cheers from the make-up artist (Ileen Getz) and rest of the crew… until the director announces that this means they will all have to work on Thanksgiving to make up for lost time. This prompts the crew to turn on her during the shoot. However she has the last laugh when she puts Nair in Dylan’s conditioner bottle and he winds up bald. Back home, Zoey and Sean have decided to have their own holiday by eating sushi and watching Blade Runner, Rachel decides that her mother needs her and she leaves the plane with the baby, and they both return home. Kevin isn’t far behind, and Ira and Jeff return when they lose the turkey in the woods. Rachel and Kevin initially argue but they make up in her old bedroom role playing as a football player and cheerleader, getting caught in the buff by Sean. Cybill comes home surprised to find everyone there, and believes they have orchestrated a surprise Thanksgiving for her. Her meal is cut short however when Maryann comes over to tell her that Justin was arrested in Portland during a layover when he freed the turkeys on a poultry farm. Cybill thanks everyone for the great surprise, but says she needs to leave with Maryann, so they hope on a plane and head to Portland. Rory Markas is the football announcer. 11/30/20
• 022. Local Hero – 11/26/1995
  • Unbeknownst to Cybill, she has a smattering of fans in Russia, who have been watching airings of her short-lived series Island Cop for the last seven years, despite there only being six episodes. Back in America, Rachel once again arrives at Cybill’s house with a suitcase because Kevin isn’t helping with the baby. Cybill doesn’t have time to watch the baby because she has to take off for an audition. Later when she tells Maryann that she’s working on a film with Kenny Rogers, she insists on coming to meet him. The two of them and Zoey show up at the studio show up, only to see Cybill fired by the director (Martin Grey) because the producer gave the role to his ‘niece’. Making matters worse, the production assistant (Jim Rash) tells her that Betty White had her car towed. As they head home in a taxi, the driver Marina (Natasha Pavlovich) recognizes her from Island Cop, and insists on taking her home to meet her family. The all fawn over her, while Zoey sits by in amazement, and Maryann gets drunk on vodka with the man she refers to as Lancelot (Grisha Dimant) and speaks of them all living together under one roof. Marina gives Cybill advice about Rachel, telling her how her mother Natasha (Leeza Vinnichenko) forced her and her husband Vasilli (Boris Lee Krotonog) to work out their problems. Meanwhile Rachel is coaching Ira how to get over his fear of the phone, which he is afraid will be used by his publisher expecting a draft of how book, which he hasn’t started yet due to writer’s block. She helps him get over his little fears tomatoes and claustrophobia, indicating this will help him get over his larger fear of the phone. Finally he is able to pick it up and call his publisher and tell him that he hasn’t written any of the book yet. He is then told that he needs to mail back his $75,000 deposit, which he has already spent. This now gives him a fear of stamps. Cybill comes home with Kevin and forces them to shout at each other, which naturally leads to a passionate kiss between them. Cybill and Maryann toast with more vodka. Adam Gregor is the Russian father. 12/1/20
• 023. The Odd Couples – 12/3/1995
  • Cybill begins acting in commercials for Psychic Pals in which she is a housewife who saves her husband from a heart attack by calling Psychic Pals, who tell her that she can find her car keys in the freezer. Cybill also tries to ingratiate herself into Zoey’s relationship with Sean, who tells her that he and Zoey are not sleeping together. She also tries to pass football with him and winds up giving him a black eye. Zoey is furious that she is interfering at all, and is just as angry with Sean for connecting with her mother. He tells her that he likes Cybill and the she reminds him of her, and Zoey has a hard time staying mad at him. Meanwhile, Ira continues with his writer’s block, and tries to find a madcap muse similar to F. Scott Fitzgerald’s wife Zelda. When he finds out that Maryann is planning to bury Dr. Dick’s stereo in his backyard, he asks to come along. Cybill finds out that her new neighbor Ed Philo (Christian Clemenson) is stealing her newspaper, her mail, her mailbox, and some of her shrubbery. She confronts him and he acts friendly, but then goes back inside. His maid (Jill Remez) then tells him that he has left town. Cybill calls the police but the cop (Reno Wilson) doesn’t take her seriously. However, when Cybill and Sean cut down his mailbox with a chainsaw, they seem to take it more seriously. Maryann and Ira engage in several strange activities culminating with hitting golf ball in the cemetery dressed like the Great Gatsby, but after Ira manages to write a couple of sentences, he considers himself cured and abandons Maryann. She lets him go gracefully, and then offers to help with any diabolical plots to get revenge on Ed. By this time, Zoey has forgiven Cybill and is helping her re-route his mail, helped him donate to Greenpeace, and enlisted him as a foot soldier in the Michigan militia. Joyce DeWitt is the host of Psychic Pals. 3/23/21
• 024. Mourning Has Broken – 12/17/1995
  • Cybill performs in a steamy bedroom scene with an actor named Joe (Tim Wrightman), which becomes uncomfortable when he introduces her to his fiancee Kathy (Kiersten Warren), who tells her that they are both virgins and her brother is a priest. Later while out to dinner with Maryann, Cybill runs into David Sr., and the two begin dating again. Maryann is skeptical of him since he was Dr. Dick’s lawyer for the divorce, so she employs her private investigator to look into him. She keeps coming up with a series of minor infractions that she tries to use to prove her point. Ira takes a liking to him, when he helps get Ira’s publishers off of his back about turning in his work. Meanwhile, Zoey enlists the help of Rachel to help her repair the grill of Cybill’s car since she doesn’t know that Zoey borrowed the car. Rachel helps her by asking her to borrow the car, and they take the car to Mexico to get it repaired cheaply. Maryann doubles down on her efforts to dissuade Cybill from seeing David when she starts suspecting that he murdered his wife, since she apparently drowned on a boating trip with David. Cybill starts to become suspicious of him herself and leaves abruptly when he uses a giant knife while cooking. She and Maryann then sneak into his house to investigate, but they get caught by David when he returns home unexpectedly with Ira. While they are all there, his ‘late wife’ Muriel calls and starts to leave a message about him wiring her some money. David admits that they faked her death in order to collect the insurance money since they were planning to divorce anyway. Both Cybill and Ira break off their association with him. After all of their suspicious behavior, Zoey and Rachel return with the car. Cybill finds a peso and a Bazooka Jose gum comic, so they admit that they went shopping in Mexico, but not about the car. Cybill then tells them she noticed the 1965 grill on the front of her 1964 Dart. Rudy Moreno is the garage owner. 3/24/21
• 025. The Big Apple Can Bite Me – 1/7/1996
  • Cybill is celebrating her birthday, and recalls a bad one that she had in New York City in 1969, where she gets a chance to sing for a crowd at a bar called Monty’s, but as she starts the song That’s Life, the club digresses into a melee where she winds up stopping her song and escorting a woman to the restroom. Now she is celebrating with her entire family, including Jeff, who was left by his girlfriend Terry, who wants a shared custody arrangement for their son Luke. As a surprise, Maryann arranges to blindfold Cybill and whisk her off with Zoey and Rachel for a weekend in New York City, leaving all of their men behind to look after the two babies. Meanwhile, Sean is jealous that Zoey’s Chemistry lab partner is Bruce Springsteen’s second cousin Lenny. He agrees to go grappling down the ravine behind Cybill’s house in order to retrieve the laptop he tossed over when he was suffering his writer’s block. Maryann is hellbent on getting Cybill to behave like a rude New Yorker, starting by berating a cab driver named Vinny (Nick DeMauro) who gives Cybill an attitude about driving through Central Park, and then forcing Cybill to stand up for herself when a bouncer (Joe Baile) won’t let them in to see Rosemary Clooney because they are five minutes late, when he lets Guess Jeans model Bridget Hall (herself) into the show. Back home, Jeff is having second thoughts about being a father and isn’t sure if he wants joint custody but when he gives Kevin some advice about William’s teething, and Kevin compliments him on his baby skills, he starts to realize that would be a good father. Ira retrieves the laptop after being in the canyon all day, only to realize it’s not his after all when he finds different stories than the ones he was trying to get back. After a day of bossing people around, Cybill yells at a cab driver  named Billy (Jim Kamm) from Memphis, and then feels bad, so she starts being nice again. Still, she wants another opportunity to sing her song at Monty’s. She finds that it is now a sushi bar called Yushi, but still performs the song while standing on top of the bar… only to look out the window and see that that Monty’s is still standing, but across the street. Zoey drags Rachel to New Jersey, where they visit the home of Bruce Springsteen’s mother (Hariet S. Miller). When she comes back home, she surprises Sean by giving him Bruce’s retainer, but won’t let him wear it. Vincent Guastaferro is club owner Monty. Star Jasper is the strict flight attendant. Emilio Borelli is the rude man at Monty’s. Antoinette Peragine is the bathroom woman at Monty’s. Jill Holden is the waitress. 7/19/21
• 026. Educating Zoey – 1/14/1996
  • After recording a voice spot for bank’s touchtone prompt with a demanding director named Val (David Ogden Stiers), who wants her to use method acting, an exhausted Cybill meets Maryann for lunch. Maryann introduces her to the boxer Leo (Tommy Morrison) who she has ‘purchased’ and uses as an employee, gopher, and boyfriend. While there, she runs into Zoey’s guidance counselor Mrs. Sweeney (Jane Lynch), who mentions that Zoey had told her that Cybill was attending a film festival in Wisconsin and Ira had a severe accident and lost his tongue in the kitchen, precluding them from attending the Career Day at the school. When Mrs. Sweeney starts to mention college, Sean pours water on her. Meanwhile, Ira finishes the first chapter of his book and hands it over to Cybill to read. The two of them confront Zoey about lying to the teacher, and she admits that she didn’t want them there because she’s afraid they’d embarrass her. Ira thinks he is more qualified to talk about careers since he went to college and she didn’t. During the question and answer panel, someone asks about the importance of college. Ira states that it is necessary, while Cybill disagrees with him… until Zoey stands up and yells out that she’s not going to college and storms out. Ira blames Cybill for downplaying the importance of college. The family all bicker for a while, until Cybill finally decides to lay down the law and demand that she either go to college or get a job and start paying rent. Before they can tell her this, Zoey announces to them that she plans to get a job and pay rent, making them think that she’s a better parent than they are. She later tells Sean that she plans to audit several business classes at UCLA so she can stay in town, but doesn’t plan to involve her parents. She also learns that Sean was a test tube baby, so that’s how he has an in with university. Maryann ends up dumping Leo when she realizes that he has to be celibate for weeks before a bout, and barely conscious afterward. Cybill and Ira reconcile their friendship after their fight, and she reads his chapter, which is clearly inspired by a glamourized version of their love life. She doesn’t want to go down that road since they’ve tried so many times. Ira understands, but tells her repeatedly that he still loves her. She states they can never be together, but he insists that she only needs more time. Melissa Chan is the student. 7/19/21
• 027. Where’s Zoey? – 2/4/1996
  • Cybill lands the role of Galaxy Gal as the sidekick to InvinciGirl (Tracy Scoggins) in the sci-fi superhero TV show InvinciGirl, filming in Vancouver, Canada. The two ladies bond and become terrific friends who hang out together while they are in Canada filming, which is designed to help their chemistry onscreen. When Cybill leaves for her next shoot, she has Maryann babysit Zoey. They get along swimmingly, and Maryann even allows her to go off to a party. Instead of partying, Zoey borrows an outfit from Maryann and bails her friend Nina Hartford (Kim Murphy) out of jail for setting fire to cigarette machines in protest. Meanwhile, Ira can’t seem to find anything to do when a writer’s conference gets cancelled, so he shows up in Vancouver to visit Cybill, who tells him that she wishes he would start dating again. Ira then makes up a lady named Dolores and claims to be dating her. When Cybill questions this, he offers to introduce Dolores to her, as InvinciGirl offers to set Cybill up with Al Pacino. When Cybill returns home, she gets a call from Nina’s mother (DeeDee Rescher) informing her how Zoey bailed out her daughter. Whereas she was going to let Zoey stay alone during her next trip, she gives Maryann another chance. This time Maryann lays down the law with her, so Zoey simply runs away. Back in Vancouver, Cybill’s friendship with InvisiGirl abruptly comes to an end, when a re-write casts Cybill as the villain Toxic Woman in the next episode. When she returns home, Cybill and Maryann go looking for Zoey, starting at Nina’s house. Nina’s mother has nothing but contempt for Cybill and Zoey, and claims Nina is locked in her room and Zoey hasn’t been there. They then check Cybill’s house, where they find Nina making out with her boyfriend. Nina gives them the address of the party where Zoey is. However when they arrive there, they find that it is actually a church Bingo game led by a priest (H. Richard Greene). They see an old lady named Mrs. Wilcox (Lillian Adams) wearing Zoey’s jacket. She tells them that Zoey is at the Big Freeze at the Santa Monica Pier, but she refuses to give up Zoey’s jacket. They find Zoey there eating ice cream with Sean. She gloats about making a point that Cybill can’t keep her under her thumb, and the fact that she did nothing but eat ice cream and play Bingo. She also wanted to show Cybill what jerks Nina’s parents were. Cybill apologizes for being so controlling. Ira hires a hooker (Claire Stansfield) to act as ‘Dolores’ and tracks down Cybill at the Big Freeze. Cybill and Maryann are surprised with how sophisticated Ira’s latest hooker is. They also try to ruin a sundae by putting ketchup on it to prevent them from eating it… but they eat it anyway. Lee Arenberg is the actor playing Dr. Devastation. Jonathan Williams is the production assistant. 1/14/21
• 028. Lowenstein’s Lament – 2/11/1996
  • Just after Cybill gets a job on the TV show Blue Justice from a distracted casting director (Nancy Travis), Ira announces that his autobiographical book Lowenstein’s Lament is going to be turned into a movie. He also tells her that he got Cybill an audition to play Carol Lowenstein, the character based on her. Meanwhile, Zoey has gotten a new job, but won’t tell her parents what it is for fear that they will come and embarrass her. When Maryann read Ira’s script, she suddenly becomes attracted to him, but the feeling is not mutual. Ira tells Cybill that she didn’t get the acting job, and Paula Abdul (herself) is hired to play Carol opposite William Katt (himself) playing Jake, the character based on Ira. Cybill finds out that Zoey is working in an art museum, so she and Maryann go to see her. They get obsessed by a statue with a giant penis, and then yell at a pair of frat guys (Drew Wicks, Tim Griffin) when they heckle Zoey, and end up getting thrown out by a security guard (Dale Swann). The film director Todd (Randall Slavin) starts changing the script and makes Carol look like a promiscuous alcoholic. Based on Cybill’s outrage, Ira is fired and they hire a woman writer to change the perspective, and wind up making Jake look like an abusive husband who hears voices. Ira also goes to visit Zoey and ends up attacking another patron (Patrick Thomas O’Brien), which gets him also thrown up. Maryann gives Ira a mini-model of the well-endowed statue, and in return Ira gives Maryann and witch doll riding a broom. The next time Cybill and Ira visit the set, both characters are acting like abusive and insane lushes. They talk to Todd about changing the characters into good people, whose lives just drifted apart. They later see the film in the theater, and the characters are now kind and normal, but the scene is infested with Ninja attackers. Zoey takes her parents’ picture and posts it at the security station at the museum, where the guards can keep them from entering. 1/15/22
• 029. A Who’s Who for What’s His Name – 2/18/1996
  • After her agent books her into a Coulson’s Soup commercial in which she is dressed as a carrot, Cybill discusses with the gal playing the tomato (Mary-Pat Green) how bad her agent Arthur Minnow (Brian Keith) has been lately at booking her jobs. She asks him to meet her for lunch and then fires him. He seems to take it well, but on his way out, he dies of a heart attack. Cybill feels awful, so she goes to see Arthur’s wife Evelyn (Angela Paton), who asks Cybill to help with funeral arrangements, including calling everyone in his Rolodex to come, and purchasing the casket. Meanwhile, Maryann finally makes a play for Ira by inviting him over for a luau at her house to remind him of the trip they took with former spouses together. She throws herself at him, but he resists her advances and turns her down. When she meets the funeral director Jack Marshall (Beau Gravitte) while Cybill picks out a casket, Maryann falls for him and begins dating him, although she can’t take her mind off of Ira. Cybill also tries to get former clients to come to the funeral, but most of the big-name celebrities claim they didn’t know him. In order not to disappoint Evelyn, Cybill hires a bunch of celebrity look-alikes including Joan Rivers, Whoopi Goldberg, Jim Carrey, Tina Turner, Hulk Hogan, Cher, Howard Stern, Dolly Parton, Clint Eastwood, Fidel Castro, Stevie Wonder, Woody Allen (David Pires), the Pope, and three Judge Itos, but she draws the line at George Washington and Abraham Lincoln. After the service, Evelyn tells her that she knew they were all fakes, but what was important was that she and Arthur loved each other. As everyone is leaving, the real Kenny Rogers (himself) shows up, but they both think he is a fake. Chloe gives piano lessons to a nun Sister Mary Rose (Marianne Muellerleile), but has to insist that she doesn’t smoke in the house. 5/24/22
• 030. Wedding Bell Blues – 2/25/1996
  • Cybill is playing a comatose patient on Chicago Hope, abut is having trouble getting along with actor Adam Arkin (himself) after an encounter they had previously had working on the stage show Camelot. She then finds out that Andrea Thorpe is also working on the show. Cybill brags to her that she is going to working on a Ron Howard movie, so Andrea gets over to see him and swipes the role from under Cybill. She also reveals to Cybill that she is getting married… to Dr. Dick Thorpe, Maryann’s ex-husband. Cybill is horrified that she has to tell Maryann about it, while Ira has been invited to the wedding. Maryann tires to take it calmly and maintain her composure, but Cybill thinks she is bottling it in. When she goes to see Maryann, she finds her scrubbing down the statues and crying, admitting that she never thought the day would come, but wants to handle it maturely. She even gets an invitation to the wedding, and decides to go with dignity. However, the address on her invitation leads her to a hot dog stand, and the old Maryann who wants revenge surfaces. They call and report Ira’s car stolen, so the police would lead them to the wedding by using Ira’s GPS tracking. They start their destruction by filling the pate with a habanero pepper, and then planning to fill Dr. Dick’s pants with Hydrogen Sulfide. However, it goes wrong when Cybill eats the pate and smashes the bottle of Hydrogen Sulfide down her blouse. Ira shows up after being arrested for stealing his own car. They attempt to set off the sprinklers but only succeed in dousing themselves. Andrea blames the ladies and learns who Maryann is, but Maryann chooses the high road again and only congratulates her. Cybill however has reported the wedding to be that of Madonna’s and leaks it to the press, so a hovering helicopter descends on the wedding and blows everything around. This leads to a food fight between Cybill and Andrea, with Andrea falling into a fountain. Maryann smashes Dick’s face into the cake. Covered in food, Cybill and Maryann then go for a swim in the fountain themselves. Although Maryann cries over the permanence of her divorce from Dick, she admits this is the most fun she’s had at a wedding. Robert Noble is the Chicago Hope director. Lynne Ann Leveridge is Ron Howard’s casting woman. Richard Lawrence is the waiter. 5/24/22
• 031. Romancing the Crone – 3/10/1996
  • Cybill is playing a firewoman in a film, starring one of her favorite classic actresses Loretta Bennett (Shirley Knight), but when Cybill stands up for Loretta when she wants to do her own stunts. When her director (Jarrad Paul) allows her to jump out of the window of a burning building, Loretta winds up breaking her arm. Cybil feels terrible and invites Loretta to come stay with her. Meanwhile, Zoey has been following a man named Oroagua in a chatroom, who is flirting with another woman. She has realized that Oroagua is her brother-in-law Kevin Goldwater Blanders. Zoey quickly gets tired of Loretta’s stories about classic actors and actresses with whom she has worked. However, she takes Loretta’s advice to confront Kevin directly rather than going straight to her sister. Loretta also gets off on the wrong foot with Maryann, when she tells Maryann to get a life rather than being obsessed with Dr. Dick. When Dick keeps sending Maryann postcards from his honeymoon, she enlists Cybill to meet her at his house to empty his pool. Loretta also gives Ira some advice to try working as a garbage collector in order to research a character he’s working on. Finally, Loretta hints around to Cybill that she wants to arrange a birthday party for her and her friends Isobel Sanford (herself), Phyllis Diller (herself), and Alice Ghostley (herself). When the ladies run up a huge bill that Cybill has to pay for, and then she brings them over Cybil’s house. Then when Loretta brings her boyfriend Gene (Warren Munson) to Cybill’s place to have sex, Cybill is ready to get rid of Loretta, but her advice about Kevin worked quite well for Zoey, and Ira’s job on the garbage truck is exhilarating for him. Maryann’s annoyance with Loretta grows when Cybill forgets to meet her at Dr. Dick’s to drain the pool because she is running the party. However, Loretta then makes fun of Cybill and Maryann for wasting their time on Dr. Dick, and Loretta suggests she spend more time with her daughter, Cybill kicks her out. Kevin takes Rachel out to dinner and confesses his online affair. Rachel forgives him quickly until she finds out that he played ‘Pirate’ with her. After Cybill clears her out, she goes over to Cybill’s to apologize and take her out for drinks. Maryann confesses she can’t think of her next move against Dr. Dick, but then Loretta shows up with a cement mixer and suggest they fill Dr. Dick’s pool with cement. 9/18/22
• 032. An Officer and a Thespian – 3/17/1996
  • While working as a corpse in a film with Marsha Warfield (herself), Cybill falls asleep while on the mortuary slab. Marsha gives her a heads-up that she is going to play a police officer in the new Clint Eastwood movie, and Cybill decides she really wants the part too. Meanwhile, Maryann still continues to flirt with Ira, Zoey notices that her father must be getting really lonely, so decides to hook him up with a woman, and Kevin asks Cybill if he can borrow her house for a cocktail party with the Psychology in order to suck up to his department head Dr. Anderson (Charles Cioffe) in order to get tenure. Maryann buys a one-of-a-kind dress for $5000… then notices that another woman (Marla Frees) is wearing the same dress, which she claims to have bought for  $35.95 at Lady-Be-Cheap in Burbank. Cybill announces she is going on a drive-along with Officer Bart Coleman (Bruce Weitz) in order to research being a cop. Rachel invites a gal named Louise (Lisa Howard) to the party as a set-up for Ira. When the party caterer (Dell Yount), it becomes obvious that the orders was switched with that of a kids party, when the food that shows up is cupcakes, pudding pops, candy apples, and mini wieners. When Officer Coleman’s wife goes into labor, he abandons Cybill and his car at the hospital. She gets a call from Maryann who has been run up a tree by dogs when she attempts to vandalize the house of the maker of her dress. She leaves in the cop car to go get Maryann, and then they encounter two elderly thieves, Bill (Bill Erwin) and Larry (Harvey Vernon) who are attempting to steal four tires and the grill of a car on the street. Cybil thinks she is helping the men with a true emergency, and they end up helping steal the car parts. Zoey and Rachel notice that Dr. Anderson’s wife Beatrice (Sharon Spelman) is stealing items at the party, so they call their mother, who comes home and confronts her in her own house. She tells her husband that she’s been going it for years to try and get him to notice her. Ira catches on that he’s been set up with Louise, but Maryann still tries to flirt with him. She acts as if she is okay with hit, but then mentions following Louise home after the Andersons decide to leave having been given a stern warning by Officer Cybill. Later Cybill goes to the audition for the Clint Eastwood audition, barging in as if she is making an arrest, but winds up barging into a room full of mothers and babies. Steve Susskind is the coroner actor. Debra Christofferson is the woman looking for directions. 9/19/22
• 033. Virgin, Mother, Cheater – 4/22/1996
  • Cybill stars in a commercial for Twin Coconuts Motel. Later, Rachel and Kevin return from a romantic getaway that turned out to be a bust, as their marriage appears to be suffering. Rachel tells her mother that she fears that Kevin is having an affair as he has been consistently distant. She also confesses that she is considering having an affair, and Cybill admits that she once had fantasies about a UPS driver. Meanwhile, Maryann is attending a 70’s Disco themed fundraiser and asks Cybill to talk Ira into going with her. He reluctantly agrees since she asks him in front of Maryann. Cybill receives a letter in the mail that she had written in tenth grade in 1966 to herself and now has been mailed by the teacher. Zoey criticizes her boyfriend Sean for telling friends that they had had sex, but then admits that she herself has told others that they had done it. Soon they take delight in the rumors that start circulating about their sex life. Rachel agrees to meet with her mechanic Buck to ride on his motorcycle. Kevin calls Cybill and asks her to pick him up since he is drunk, and he confesses that the reason that he has been so distant is because he didn’t get tenure at work. Maryann combines her allergy medication with alcohol at the dance, which destroys her depth perception. When they dance on the floor, Maryann makes a spectacle of herself and falls over a table. Ira tells her to stop worrying about impressing her ex-husband Dr. Dick, and when she realizes Ira is being nice to her, she believes she must seem really pathetic and crawls out of the dance and heads to Cybill’s house. The two of them then redial Rachel’s last phone call and find out that she has gone to the Twin Coconuts Motel. They find her there in her car contemplating whether to go into the room and meet Buck, but Cybill tells her that Kevin’s issue had been that he didn’t get tenure. Before they leave, they spot Sean at the motel as well… and he is not with Zoey. Rachel confesses to Kevin that she almost had an affair, but his lukewarm reaction indicates part of the problem in their now-passionless marriage. They agree to go to marriage counseling. Sean confesses to Zoey that he had a one-night stand with a girl he met at a party and didn’t sleep with her because he had put her on a pedestal. Zoey is heartbroken and throws him out. Cybill opens her letter from herself and finds that all she talked about was a boy named Chip Duncan, who later cheated on her. She tries to comfort Zoey, but she tells her mother that she knows nothing about her life. Cybill agrees but says she once did. 1/11/23
• 034. When You’re Hot, You’re Hot – 4/29/1996
  • When Cybill starts to get sweaty and overheated on the set of her new film Sex and Sensibility and snaps at the director (Jennifer Griffin), her young co-star Hannah (Candace Cameron) tells her that she’s exhibiting the symptoms of menopause. During lunch with Maryann, Cybil tells her all about her symptoms and shows her all of the herbal supplements she wants to take. She can’t get through the lunch without pouring ice down her chest. She and Maryann then go to see an herbalist (Kieu Chinh) for recommendations. Meanwhile, Ira announces that his mother Ruth (Florence Stanley) is coming for a visit and asks Cybill if she can stay at her place. Cybill also has to deal with Zoey, who is depressed from her breakup, and a horse that has wandered onto her patio from a local stable. When the ranch hand (David Dunard) shows up to pick up the horse, he tells Cybill that the horse is going to be turned into dog food, she buys it for $900 and names him Nine Hundred Dollars. Nonni Ruth shows up and gives Zoey a pink Cadillac, much to the dismay of Cybill and Ira. They say they have to discuss it, and Zoey gets working on chores to butter them up. Cybill tries to sell the horse, but the first old man (Mike Kennedy aka T.J. Kennedy) who shows up to buy it says he wants it for glue, so Cybill throws him out. As Cybill and Ira discuss Chloe’s car, they start to discuss how much Ruth has changed and is so much more open-minded that she was when Ira was growing up. They then realize that Ruth is also smoking pot in the house, which she says was recommended by her doctor for her glaucoma. She also shows Cybill that she got a tattoo of Elmer Fudd on her butt. Cybill finds out that the actress Rebecca (Cali Timmins) who is playing her daughter is over forty. Ira tells his mother how much she’s changed and that he misses the strict mother he grew up with. She explains that after her menopause, she’s entered the ‘me-me-me’ phase of her life and has given up caretaking. For old time’s sake, she tells Ira to get a haircut, as she sits astride the horse. Cybill continues to take the herbs as she becomes obsessed with the actress playing her daughter, and how society has made women feel guilty for being older. Maryann tries to talk Cybill into plastic surgery, but instead Cybill heads to a tattoo artist (Teddy Gradjelick) to get a tattoo of Pepe Le Pew. Cybill puts Nine Hundred Dollars in the barn, and thinks she hears him talk to her. 1/11/23
• 035. Pal Zoey – 5/6/1996
  • Cybill is working as a knight in shining armor in a film and realizes that Jeff is also in the picture. Meanwhile, Zoey is destroying all of her reminders of Sean to try and get over him cheating on her. Cybill suggests going on a Spiritual Sweat Retreat, but Zoey shuts down the idea. However, Zoey invites her mother to go with her to a computer expo that she was going to attend with Sean. The two have a good time together, and Zoey becomes attached to doing things with Cybill again. Cybill’s cousin Lyle Slocum (Jeff Foxworthy) from Dumas, Arkansas, comes to Hollywood to try and get on The Price Is Right because his horoscope told him it was time to go. He develops an immediate crush on Maryann, and although she isn’t interested in him, she begins seeing him just to try and make Ira jealous. After a while, her efforts start to work. Rachel asks both her mother and father to come with her and Kevin to see a marriage counselor named Lois (Blaire Baron), who immediately recognizes that she once had a fling with Jeff on Catalina Island. Lois then disqualifies herself as Rachel’s therapist. This reminds Cybil of the time that Jeff went out with her hairdresser Kendra that she got someone else to cut her hair. Her hair got so badly butchered that she believes it cost her the leading lady in the film King Kong. Cybil decides to go to the Spiritual Sweat Retreat to purge her soul, and this time Zoey and Rachel want to come along, and Maryann agrees to come too. Lyle gets into the audience of The Price Is Right but never onto the stage. Maryann bribes the horoscope author to make the reading ‘go home’ just for Lyle’s Libra reading. During the retreat, the leader (Kymberly Newberry) guides them through the soul cleansing. Cybill vows to let her anger and angst about her career as it relates to Jeff dissipate, Maryann vows to stop humiliating herself in her pursuit of Ira, and Zoey vows to give up her judgmental and cynical persona in favor of one that embraces the world. When Maryann gets home, she finds Ira on her doorstep cautioning her about dating Lyle, and when she admits that she was just seeing him to make Ira jealous, he admits that it did get to him. Zoey has brightened up her room to that of a more bubbly, conventional girl even hanging a Friends poster in her room. Cybill has a dream that her director (Matthew Charles Nelson) announces that Jessica Lange has been fired from a role and they are looking for someone to replace her. Cybill is perfect for the role, but she can’t get her knight’s helmet off her head. She wakes up to the sounds of Jessica Lange in King Kong playing on TV. 6/26/23
• 036. Three Women and a Dummy – 5/13/1996
  • After Cybill works in an aerobics video under an instructor named Wanda (Karen Valentine), who is a perfectionist and insists on numerous takes before lighting up a cigarette, she hired a masseuse (Alicia Gilbert). Her massage is interrupted at her house by a visit from Sean, who wants to explain to Zoey why he cheated on her. Cybill not only tells him that she’s not interested, but when she opens the front door, she reveals Zoey kissing her new boyfriend Derek (Michael Hanniff), the class president and most popular boy in school. Meanwhile, Cybill gets simultaneous phone calls from both Maryann and Ira, who have arrived at the same restaurant where each seems to be with a date. Both ‘dates’ turn out to be business related, so Cybill brokers a date between them while on the phone with them. While Zoey heads out for prom with Derek and Marianne heads out for her first date with Ira, Cybill plans a much-needed night alone reading the newspaper and ordering in food. Cybill winds up getting bored and makes a paper hat out of the paper. When her regular waiter from the restaurant arrives with the food she ordered, she winds up inviting him to stay to watch Mommie Dearest with Kahlua and popcorn. He has just broken up with his boyfriend (Roger Nehls) and is depressed because the ex is hosting a party with his new boyfriend. Cybil suggests that they go together to the party. Maryann arranges to fly Ira to San Francisco to dinner on her private jet and surprise him with pianist Michael Feinstein (himself), and they both sing Puppy Love to Ira. He is delighted but tells her to stop trying so hard, but the date then quickly goes downhill when the pilot announces that the airport is fogged in and that they are going to be circling the airport. This makes Ira both nervous and physically sick, worried that they are going to crash. Eventually, their fuel situation becomes dire and they need to head back to Los Angeles. Zoey and Derek leave the prom as soon as he is crowned king and head for the Holiday Inn. Zoey is clearly hellbent on getting even with Sean that it doesn’t matter that she doesn’t really like Derek. When he goes to check in, Sean gets into their limo and begs her to give him some time to talk to her. She agrees as long as she can leave whenever she wants. They go to a lookout point and he tells that even if they don’t remain friends, he would never forgive himself is she changed her independent personality because of the dumb thing he did. Zoey tells him that they can never go back, but Sean says he’s willing to move in a different direction. She tells him that she just wants to go home and directs the chauffer to take him home alone. Ira is thrilled to be going back home and calls the date a fiasco, angering Maryann who calls him a pompous ingrate. Cybill and the waiter arrive at the party, and he shows Cybill the mannequin that he and his ex named Magdalena and acted as if she was her daughter. He has an awkward talk with his ex and tries to hit on another guy (Brian Little), but ultimately the waiter has no desire for another relationship and wants to leave. Cybill suggests that they go out dancing, and they steal Magdalena on their way out. Everyone meets back at Cybil’s place, and Zoey has regained her judgmental and angry persona. Cybil tires to convince Maryann that all men get grump when they’re heaving. Cybill still has Magdalena, so she and Maryann use her arms to sword fight. 6/25/23
• 037. Going Out with a Bang – 5/20/1996
  • Cybill gets a job acting as Bootie the Clown on a live kids TV program called Major Milo starring a legendary kids performer named Major Milo (Tim Conway). On the set, she runs into a now-single boom mic operator she knows named Henry (Burke Moses), on whom she’s always had a crush. Meanwhile, Zoey graduates from high school and makes plans to travel Europe, but having failed to tell her parents, they say that she cannot go without a solid plan. Rachel complains to her father Jeff that he was never there for her as a child and has caused her to blame others for her problems. Since he never took her to see Major Milo as a child, he agrees to take her now to see the next show, where they sit among the children. When she still expects more from him, he tells her that he remembers quite a bit about her childhood, including how much she used to enjoy the game Operation. He buys her a new one, but the D-batteries disappear before the day is through. Ira apologizes to Maryann that their last date didn’t work out, so he invites her over and offers to make dinner for her. Cybill asks Henry to go out with her, but rumors have circulated around the studio that she is already dating Major Milo. She flatly denies this, but on that afternoon’s show, Major Milo proposes marriage to her live on TV. The only thing she can do is send the show to commercial. The next day at work, Major Milo doesn’t show up, so Cybill is forced to take over the show and ad lib. Milo finally shows up, but he is drunk out of his mind, wearing his street clothes and a space helmet. Cybill and Henry drag him off the stage and back to his dressing room, where they put his passed-out-body in his bathroom, then make love on his dressing room bed. Over a Szechuan meal, Ira and Maryann dirty talk using the various foods as metaphors for sex. They wind up on the table, then fall off of it, and Ira winds up with a broken nose. The next morning, Ira and Cybill present Zoey with tickets for a three-week, eight city trip to Europe, complete with safe hotel reservations throughout the adventure. Cybill and Maryann boast that things finally went right for them, as Cybill got lucky with Henry, and Maryann can now officially call Ira her boyfriend. Over drinks, they wonder what is next in the next phase of their lives. Roger Kabler is the director. Sydney Berry is the little girl in the audience. David Willis is the Major Milo announcer. 10/22/23

SEASON 3

• 038. Bringing Home the Bacon – 9/16/1996
  • Cybill has been doing voiceover work for a pig named Hambone (Barnaby) in a TV series. The director Bill Witlow (Ray Buktenica) is happy with Cybill’s work due to all of the work she’s been doing with the live animals but think the other voice artists Daisy Fuentes (herself) and Dom DeLuise (himself) need a lot of work. Meanwhile, Cybill’s hair has been wrecked by doing a commercial for a hair color. Daisy recommends that she put mayonnaise in her hair to treat it. When she gets home, she and Maryann apply it liberally. Maryann is looking forward to consummating her relationship with Ira and can’t wait for him to return from his book tour. Zoey comes home a day early from her three weeks in Europe, and Cybill is thrilled to see her, but tells her that she can rest before her Welcome Home party the next day. Zoey tells her that she has plans, but Cybill insists that she show up for it. The next day, Cybill’s hair is still a mess, and she brings Maryann to the set. Maryann gets in a scuffle with a duck, while Hambone’s trainer (Steve Hanna) can’t get him to tug on actor Denver Pyle‘s (himself) in a scene. Cybill becomes worried when the director talks about Hambone being turned to food. Ira returns for Zoey’s party, and Rachel and Kevin come over as well. They are being so nice to each other that Cybill suspects they are pretending. When Zoey really does leave to go hang out with her friend Nina’s, and then stays out all night. Cybill tells her that Zoey needs to follow her rules while she lives under her roof, so Zoey moves out onto the patio and tells her mother that she will be looking for an apartment. Maryann wants to role play with Ira and dresses up like Little Bo Peep and tells Ira to dress like a sheep. He misunderstands and comes as a Shiek. They run into more trouble when Ira can’t be licked in the ear due to his swimmer’s ear, he doesn’t want the lights on, and won’t get undressed with her. They try to return to phone sex, like they had been doing while he was out of town. Cybill gets Maryann’s hairdresser Jose (Jeffrey Anderson-Gunter) to fix her hair, and while he is doing his thing, she gets a call that Hambone is going to be fired. Worried that he will be made into food, she calls Maryann and asks if she’s like to come help kidnap him. Maryann walks out on Ira to go help Cybill. When they get home, Hambone poops in the kitchen and then runs down into the canyon. Rachel and Kevin come over to tell Cybill that Kevin has been laid off, but she has to go chase after Hambone into the canyon with Maryann. They return hours later covered in mud, and with Hambone wearing diaper. Cybill and Zoey have a talk, and Cybill tells her that they can discuss their new boundaries together. Zoey appreciates the gesture but tells Cybill that she got a job as a tour guide at Universal Studios and plans to get an apartment with Nina. 10/24/23
• 039. Venice or Bust – 9/23/1996
  • Cybill does a ridiculous commercial in an art gallery for Art’s Classic Potato Chips in which a sculpture of a caveman comes to life. The next morning, Cybill, Maryann, Ira, Rachel, and Kevin throw Zoey a surprise 18th birthday breakfast at 5:00 in the morning. Ira and Mary Ann decide they should try to get to know each other’s interests to see if that brings them any closer to intimacy. Kevin is depressed about losing his job, so they keep coming over to do laundry because they can’t afford it in the motel where they are staying. Cybill is both happy and sad about Zoey leaving home, so she decides to take a sculpture class with Mary Ann. On their first day, they meet the teacher (Joel Swetow) and Cybill engages him to do sculptures of her, Rachel, and Zoey. Cybill is surprised when the nude model Ricky Zablidowsky (Scott Gurney) went to summer camp with Rachel. Zoey finds an apartment to move into in Venice Beach. Both Cybill and Ira are against it, but Cybill comes to Zoey’s defense when Ira makes it sound as if she can’t move there because she is a girl. Cybill not only gives her permission but agrees to buy her a refrigerator. Mary Ann takes Ira to her tailor Jerome (Loren Freeman) and makes him buy a blue suit and pants, which is part of her sharing her interest. Ira takes Mary Ann to a reading by an author (David Selburg), which bores her so badly that she begins humming during it. Afterward, they go out to eat and decide that a relationship between them will never work and agree to depart as friends… as long as Mary Ann gets to say that she dumped Ira. Cybill takes the girl to have plaster molds made of their face, but they get so bored under the plaster that they sneak off and leave Cybill behind. Zoey packs her stuff up to leave and gives Cybill a blown-up strip photo that they had taken years earlier at Santa Monica Pier. As Cybill is looking through Zoey’s old room, Rachel and Kevin show up with baby William and finally admit that they need a place to stay, so Cybill agrees to move them in. Rachel tells her mother that she always thought she resented Zoey, but she was really angry at her mother for making all ofthe mistakes with her since she was the firstborn. Cybill offers to watch the baby and treat them to a nice dinner and hotel so they can have some time together. Cybill offers Mary Ann $50 to change the baby, but she counter-offers to give Cybill $1000 to hire a nanny for the baby. 2/26/24
• 040. Cybill and Maryann Go to Japan – 9/30/1996
  • Cybill does a commercial for Yiko automobiles which also stars a Sumo wrestler named Takibono “Sonny” (Big Nate Kanae), and she is invited to go to Japan do public relations for the company. She invites Maryann to go along, who jumps at the chance to go so that she can buy the last Netsuke tiny sculpture Emmo-O, which Dr. Dick needs to complete his collection, so that she can taunt him with it. As Cybill and Maryann brush up on their Japanese speaking, Yiko’s advertising head Kenji Tanaka (Cary-Hiroyuki Tanaka) stops by with the limo to take them to the airport along with Sonny, who clearly has a crush on Cybill. Meanwhile, Sean keeps sending Zoey gifts, so she asks her father to return the items and tell him to leave her alone. After Cybill and Maryann arrive in Japan, Kenji advises them that they are a scheduled to have a tea ceremony rehearsal with the Yiko president Mr. Matsuzaki (James Shigeta) and his wife (June Kyoto Lu). Sonny also shows up and tells Cybill that if she does not love him back, he will starve himself to nothing. Ira meets with Sean and gives him the message from Zoey, but Sean begs him to convince her to at least read the letters he’s sent her. At the Matsuzaki house, Maryann finds the Emma-O figurine that she needs and tries to steal it. While Cybill is trying stop her, Cybill winds up standing in their koi pond. Mrs. Matsuzaki can’t help but laugh at them as she is showing them how to perform the ceremony. She also reveals that she speaks English, but her husband doesn’t know. Cybill, Maryann, and Sonny take Mrs. Matsuzaki out for a day on the town. Ira delivers a poem that he helped Sean write to Zoey, and it is rather obvious that Zoey still has an interest in him. As Mr. Matsuzaki leads the tea ceremony, his wife returns with blonde hair that resembles Cybill’s. Her husband thinks that this is dishonorable to him, and that blonde hair indicates a fast woman. Ira asks Zoey to come over and bring her pictures of Europe, and she is angry to find Sean there. Sean tries to ask her out, but she tells him that there’s no way they can pick up where they left off. However, she tells Sean they can go to the same exhibit at different times and that he can then email her. That night Cybill shows up at the Yiko business meeting dressed as a geisha to oppose the sexist thinking of Mr. Matsuzaki. He is happy with her message and wants to extend her contract, just before she trips and falls in the pond again. Mrs. Matsuzaki comes over to thank Cybill before she leaves for giving her the courage to speak English, go to school, get an Economic degree, and learn to play the trombone. She presents Cybill with an Emma-O statue, but she would prefer to taunt Maryann. Cybill tries to encourage Sonny to start eating again by showing how she and Maryann eat, but they end up stuffing their faces with decorative soap. Koji Kataoka is Gyoji, the older man in the Yiko commercial. 2/29/24
• 041. It’s for You, Mrs. Lincoln – 10/7/1996
  • Cybill is the understudy for the roll of Mary Todd Lincoln in the play What Now, Mrs. Lincoln?, but the actress who plays her, Joan Hayden (Andrea Marcovicci), has never had to use an understudy, no matter how sick she has been. Meanwhile, Cybill stops by Zoey’s place to give her an answering machine so that she can receive – and return – her messages. She notices some tension between Zoey and her roommate Nina (Kim Murphy). Cybill gets in touch with Linda Ross (Catherine Schreiber) with the William Morris talent agency to offer her an invitation to the show if he should actually go on. In order to show his appreciation for letting them move into Cybill’s house, Kevin makes Cybill a map of the kitchen so that he can re-organize it. Rachel is annoyed that he didn’t put his energy toward looking for a job instead. When Ira stops by, it is obvious there is still tension between him and Maryann. Ira also tells Cybill that he doesn’t think they should get involved with Zoey’s roommate problem. While playing cards with the Abraham Lincoln actor (Charles L. Brame), Joan fakes an injury which leads to Cybill thinking that she will go on in her place… but she is only faking it. Cybill tries to bring some banana nut apricot muffins to Zoey, but when Zoey won’t share any information with her about her roommate, Cybill takes the muffins to work. When Joan eats one, she realizes that there are apricots in there, and she is allergic to them and can’t breathe. Cybill now gets her chance to go on, and she calls Linda again to come see her. Kevin decides to take up golf so that he can meet people who can help him get a job, again to Rachel’s annoyance. Ira and Christine decide to come together to see Cybill in the play. Linda shows up, and after getting past the usher (Harry Hutchinson), who is a wannabe actor, she winds up sitting next to Ira. Rachel and Kevin get into a huge fight in Cybill’s dressing room, but after Cybill has went onstage, they realize they haven’t been alone is quite some time, leading them to some passionate lovemaking. When Ira gets into a squabble with the man (Walter Addison) sitting behind him, Linda and Ira also start to bicker. Cybill notices this onstage and gives Ira and Maryann a stare down. Cybill then gets a call from Zoey while she is onstage, so she makes an exit to answer her. Zoey finally wants to confide in her about losing her roommate. After Cybill leaves the dressing room, Maryann tries to call Cybill, but she has left her cell phone onstage with the dying Lincoln. Ira tries to build up Cybill to Linda, but when she yells at him for bothering her, the usher throws them both out, which Cybill sees from the stage and tries to stop. After the play, Cybill laments to Maryann how horrible her one night on stage went. Zoey shows up to say hello to her mother but has to get back to the parking lot to stop the fight between her father and Linda. John F. O’Donohue is the stagehand. Alan Wilder is the actor playing the doctor. Sonje Fortag is the wardrobe lady. 7/14/24
• 042. Cybill, Get Your Gun – 10/14/1996
  • After working on a commercial for Gangland Pizza, Cybill and Maryann return to her house, only to find a robbery in progress. The ladies chase the robber out the door, and Maryann is devastated when Cybill throws a bottle of vodka at him and smashes it. Ira and Jeff come over to check on her after she gets a loud, speaking alarm (voice of Michael Donovan) and an inept security guard (Bob Clendenin) from Goliath Security. Jeff asks Ira if he would like to go out to meet women with him, but when they go out, Ira realizes that he has taken him to an Alcoholic Anonymous. Ira doesn’t feel right preying on alcoholic women, so he decides to leave, but then meets a girl named Lana (Melinda McGraw), who asks him out for coffee. Maryann tells Cybill that Dr. Dick has been missing for several days, and she is being hounded by Detective Dooley (Fred Applegate). Maryann thinks that Dick is doing this on purpose, just to annoy her by framing her as retribution for the TV special the Maryann produced bashing Dr. Dick. Zoey stops by to return her mother’s blender and sets off the alarm. Cybill decides to hire actress Vicki Lawrence (herself) to train her, Maryann, and Zoey in the art of self-defense. She also gives Zoey a male doll known as Safety Man so that it will seem like Zoey is not alone. Vicki gets annoyed because Maryann keeps asking her about Carol Burnett. Vicki encourages the ladies to buy a handgun to protect themselves. Detective Dooley turns up the heat on Maryann and takes her to the station for several hours of questioning. Maryann hires her own mole (Leslie Rivers), who works at the hospital with Dr. Dick and brings Maryann some surgical records indicating that a Dr. Norman Large, a pseudonym that Dr. Dick has used for years, has been performing procedures. Cybill and Maryann go to the firing range with Vicki, and Maryann gets so worked up about Dick that she fires a giant gun into a paper target and winds up blowing out the wall behind it. While Ira and Jeff are having drinks at a bar, Lana walks in and sees him. Ira can no longer take the guilt, so he tells her the truth that Jeff had only taken him to the AA meeting to pick up women. Lana walks out on him after dumping an scotch on the rocks down his pants. Cybill and Maryann come back to Cybill’s place and finds that the door is ajar. When they walk in, they see a man on the couch, so Cybill grabs him and manages to behead him, only to find that Zoey has planted Safety Man on the couch to teach her a lesson. She tells her mother to keep her guns and to tell Vicki to stop calling her and asking her to go bear hunting. J.J. Johnston is the Gangland Pizza detective. Lisa Coles is Mysti at the AA meeting. 7/17/24
• 043. Cybill Does Diary – 10/21/1996
  • While shopping for a VHS movie to rent, Cybill and Maryann stumble upon a pornographic movie called The Last Picture Ho, which features Cybill’s face on the cover posted over another actress’s body. They decide to rent the film to make sure that Cybill isn’t actually in it. After having to get Ira, Rachel, Kevin, and Zoey out of the room, Cybill and Maryann finally get to watch it. Meanwhile, Ira is upset because a lady at the grocery store called him ‘Pops’. He confesses to Kevin that he is feeling old, and his sex drive has been low. Kevin suggests that he can get a hormone shot to perk him up and then takes him to the doctor. While checking in, Ira hits it off with the admitting nurse Holly (Jane Kaczmarek), who is a fan of Ira’s work. Ira is smitten with her as well, even as she has to ask him some embarrassing medical questions. Cybill and Maryann visit the office of the video production company who made the movie and lodge a complaint with the owner Chip (John Michael Higgins), who claims he just bought the company but will pull the video out of circulation. He is reviewing a pornographic movie, and Cybill and Maryann tell him that the move is only geared toward men, but they are missing a demographic by not catering to older women. Having no idea what that age group would like, he pays them $1000 to write their own porno for the production. Zoey sets them up on her computer so that they can write the script. After she leaves, Cybill accidentally pulls up Zoey’s European diary but refuses to read it. The ladies continue to work on the film, even surveying the chef (Karen Kilgariff) and women customers at the restaurant as to what they would like to see in their porn. Once they finish with the script, they call Ira over to properly close Zoey’s diary on the laptop, so she doesn’t know they had it open at all. He has Holly with him and is on top of the world now that he has been taking the hormones and has a new girlfriend. Cybill and Maryann go to the set to see their film being made, and quickly notice that the actor (Jim Pirri) and actress (Tawnni Cable) are not speaking the dialogue they wrote. Cybill then realizes that they are performing the story based on Zoey’s diary entries, which includes her having sex in Italy. She realizes that Ira accidentally emailed the diary while he was charged up by Holly. When Cybill gets home, Zoey has found out that her diary had been opened, but Cybill assures her that she didn’t read it, but rather had it filmed into a porno. Cybill is understanding of Zoey having her first time in Europe and proceeds to tell her about her own first time. Zoey finally opens up and tells her about the boy named Gianni she met in Italy. 11/12/24
• 044. Sex, Drugs and Catholicism – 11/4/1996
  • After complaining to the script writer (Paul Bartel) about her role as a centaur in the film Hercules, Son of Zeus about the degrading dialogue, Cybill has lunch with Maryann and runs into Ira and his new fiancé Holly. Due to his new hormone treatments, he has unprecedented amounts of energy. He had planned to introduce Zoey to Holly, but Zoey calls and cancels again. Ira later visits Cybill to try to get her to convince Zoey to meet Holly, and Cybill is finally able to talk her into doing it under threat of showing Zoey her Barnaby Jones outtakes. Meanwhile, Maryann, who is somewhat distraught about Ira’s new relationship, decides to return to her roots by visiting Father Lindeman (James T. Callahan) at the Catholic church. Zoey and Holly finally meet and hit it up. They wind up going to the gym together, where Cybill and Ira are also working out. When a bully (Bob Koherr) start harassing Cybill, Ira defends her, and the two get into a fight, despite the huge size of the bully. Although Ira gets in a good punch, the guy winds up beating up Ira up. Ira wears his bruises and bandages as a badge of honor. Cybill goes to visit him and warns him that when the hormone test is over, he will return to his old, wimpy self. After Ira thinks it over, he decides to discuss this with Holly, who tells him that Ira was actually in the control group and has actually been taking placebos and not the actual hormone. Ira then proposes to her, and she accepts. Holly tells Cybill that Zoey is going to be the Maid of Honor and then goes on to tell Cybill had she had recently given Zoey advice on how to play dumb and passive with her new boyfriend Neil in order to avoid an argument. Maryann makes her first confession after 32 years. Cybill visits Maryann from the other side of the confessional to tell her about the latest developments about Ira and Holly. Cybill is most concerned about the bad advice that her new stepmother will be giving her. Cybill invites Zoey over and ask her about Nick, so she gives her the bare minimum and tells him that he didn’t understand the meaning of the sled in Citizen Kane. She then tells Cybill that she let him win the argument but only tells her that to get under her skin. Cybill then goes over to see Ira and complain about the advice that Holly is giving Zoey, which leads to an argument between them. She returns home, and Zoey comes to see her and admits that she actually broke it off with Nick over the Citizen Kane disagreement. Cybill tells her that it was hurtful to go to Holly for advice instead of her, but she tells her mother that she has been giving her years of unsolicited advice, and the only thing more annoying is when she gives her advice that Zoey already knows. Zoey admits that it worked out because Holly was wrong but also cautions her that she is going to be in their lives, so she needs to give Holly some slack. Cybill goes the restaurant to meet Ira, but she runs into Maryann first. She tells Cybill that she’s giving up the church because the priest told her that she needs to forgive Dr. Dick. Ira then shows up, and Cybill tells him that she wants to be friends and gives him her blessing to marry Holly, only promising that she won’t say anything bad about her if he refrains from saying anything good. However, Cybill won’t say that she likes Holly but then agrees to be Ira’s ‘Best Man’… without buying him any hookers. 11/17/24

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