SEASON 1
Created by Kirstie Alley and Brenda Hampton
Theme music by Eban Schletter
- 001. Big Butts – 3/7/2005
- Actress Kirstie Alley (herself) is having breakdown in her own California home as she sees unwelcome results on her bathroom scale. Adding to her misery, the only job offer her agent Sam Rascal (Michael McDonald) has to offer her is to do a Jenny Craig promotion. After she hangs up on him, a call comes in from fellow actor John Travolta (himself), but he can catch through her crying is that “you’re killing me” and “I’m dying.” Consequently, he calls the police, and they send some officers to her house, while she is out getting a burger and screaming at Sam to get her a show on NBC. Sam tells her that he’ll get her a meeting at with NBC CEO Jeff Zucker (himself). John Travolta advises her to lose some weight, and he refers her to an ex-girlfriend weight-loss counselor named Quinn Taylor Scott (Kelly Preston), who gives nothing but bad advice like throwing up and eating cigarettes. Sam calls Zucker and tells him that Kirstie has lost weight and pleads for a meeting. He agrees to see her if Sam will promise to deal with Kirstie if he finds out she is too fat. Kirstie meets with her live-in hairdresser Kevyn Shecket (Rachael Harris) and her assistant Eddie Falcon (Bryan Callen), about her lack of sex life. Since Kirstie doesn’t think any men will want her, she should try a woman or a black guy since they typically like larger women. They all go to a soul food restaurant to try and meet a black guy for her. One female customer (Yvette Nicole Brown) is sick of fat white women trolling her men. She spots one black guy (Phil Harris) who seems to be making eyes at her, but when Eddie follows him into the bathroom, the man tells Eddie that he is a fan, but that Kirstie is too fat. Kirstie meets up with Zucker and another NBC exec named Chuck Manson (Tait Ruppert), as well as Max Cooper (Mark Curry), the new head of development. Max is black and immediately hits it off with Kirstie and makes a date with her. They have some strange sexual encounters, mostly involving food. When Eddie warns her that this could kill any potential TV series she might have had, she decides to have Sam use it to blackmail NBC into developing a show with her. She celebrates by eating in the bathroom, then briefly considers gagging herself with a piece of artificial foliage. Deren Leroy and Steve Maye are cops. Stacey Grenrock Woods is the NBC receptionist. 6/8/22
- 002. Charlie’s Angels aka Too Pooped to Pop – 3/14/2005
- Kirstie struggles to get into a pair of pants, and takes more advice from Quinn, who advises her to take more laxatives followed by caffeine. She gets an appointment with the director of Charlie’s Angels, McG (A.J. Buckley) who has a part for her in Charlie’s Angels 3. She also makes the lunch meeting at the same hotel where Kid Rock (himself) is staying, and she plans on hooking up with him. Eddie claims he has a lunch date with actress Carmen Electra (herself). Eddie drops Kirstie and Kevyn off at the hotel, and then goes for a drive in Kirstie’s car. When he spots Carmen Electra on the street and starts yelling for her, he gets distracted and crashes into the rear of actress Melissa Gilbert‘s (herself) car. Since she is also the president of SAG, he tries to prod her for a job, but she tells him that he’s now ruined his chances. Carmen Electra returns to the scene with a friend (Bob Glouberman) who punches Eddie for bothering her. One of the valets at the hotel named Little Jorge (Jaime Aymerich) asks Kirstie when her baby is due, and she quickly answers, “11 weeks.” McG offers Kirstie the part in the movie, which will contain the ‘forgotten angels’, one a midget (Cindy Sorenson), one a Canadian (Jackie Harris Greenberg), and the third one, Kirstie, presumably because she is fat. She runs into Kid Rock during lunch, and they make a date for drinks after the lunch meeting. The waiter (John Colella) won’t serve Kirstie drinks because Little Jorge has spread the word that she is pregnant. The laxatives kick in during lunch, so Kirstie has to rush to the restroom twice, once encountering a nosy lady (Edie McClurg), who wants to tell her how to handle her pregnancy, and then a fan (Maggie Wheeler) with a baby who insists that she signs a diaper. McG starts to believe that Kirstie is pregnant and tries to back out of the deal, but Kevyn insists that she heard the formal offer and threatens a lawsuit if he doesn’t follow up with it. Eddie returns to pick them up with a beat-up face and the news about Kristie’s car. The nosy lady calls the hospital for Kirstie to go deliver her baby, and Kirstie agrees to go since the hospital is near the House of Pies. Kirstie frets about missing her date with Kid Rock, and that he’ll ‘break up with her’. She tries to avoid the paparazzi, who now think that the father of her baby is Kid Rock, but they chase her down as she gets into the ambulance. As Kirstie and the crew film the new Charlie’s Angels movie, McG’s assistant (Jason Stuart) tells Kevyn and Eddie that McG really isn’t McG, but McG’s stand-in. Kevyn tells him that Kirstie is actually a stand-in as well. Sandra Genovese and Alex Zimmerman are paparazzi. Jim Meskimen is the Scottish crewman. Ken Weiler is the EMT. 6/8/22
- 003. Holy Lesbo, Batman – 3/21/2005
- Actress Mayim Bialik (herself) comes to Kirstie’s house looking for her Dachshund Sophie, but Kirstie denies having seen her. However, Kirstie had actually had Eddie and Kevyn steal the dog thinking that it belonged to singer Gwen Stefani, so when she finds out it actually belongs to Mayim, she returns it, and the two ladies have words. Kirstie tries to pretend that she is good friends with Gwen, whereas Mayim actually is friends with her and frequently goes for runs with her. Kirstie plans to wait outside her house and then ‘fold into’ Gwen’s walk with her so they can become friends, which will impress Kid Rock. If this plan fails, she has Kevyn go set up a date with a neighbor record producer named Johnny Knightly (Kevin Nealon), and has Eddie go try and seduce Mayim, so she might introduce Kirstie to Gwen. Mayim sees Eddie dancing around outside her house, and calls Johnny, who has found Kevyn outside his house and thinks she is a hooker. Mayim calls the cops (Carl Banks, Willie Gault) and reports both of them. A neighbor boy named Vincent (True Parker), a kid in the neighborhood with TV-executive parents, comes to see if he can swim in Kirstie’s pool. She begins to tell him about being friends with Gwen, but Vincent knows more about Gwen than she does, and tells her that Gwen leaves through her back fence and jogs in Griffith Park near the ‘Batcave’. He then calls the tabloids to report that Kirstie is headed to Griffith Park. Kirstie finds Gwen in the park jogging but she ignores Kirstie and jogs on. The police come looking for Eddie and Kevyn, and track them to the Batcave, where Kirstie had run into her ex-boyfriend Stephen Wilcox (Michael Wiseman), who had lived with Kirstie for two years. Stephen is now gay and is hooking up with other gay men, nearly all of whom are performing oral sex in their cars. The police try to chase Eddie, but do not catch him, and then arrest everyone at the Batcave, all gay men plus Kirstie. She asks Stephen why he lived with her for two years if he was gay, and Stephen tells her that he thought she was a man. Eddie winds up having sex with Mayim, and although she seems to enjoy it, she is less than appreciative after the fact. She berates herself for stooping that low, since she is a genius and she is ‘Blossom’, then starts dancing around wearing the Blossom hat. Kevyn gets inside Johnny’s house, and while he smokes pot, she tells him that she’s not a hooker but wants to hook him up with Kirstie, so he considers her more of a pimp. The gay men in prison get released one by one, but Kirstie can’t get hold of Eddie or Kevyn using the phone that a gay female guard named Officer Seeger (Mo Collins) loans her. Kirstie finally calls Quinn Taylor Scott, who comes to bail her out, flirts with Seeger and then kisses and gropes Kirstie in front of the paparazzi so they can have their ‘lesbo’ images splashed onto the tabloids so Quinn will stop being known as bulimic, and Kirstie will stop being known only as being fat. Kirstie, Eddie, and Kevyn convene back at Kirstie’s place and tries to come up with a reason why Stephen is ‘lying’ about being gay, while Eddie touts his relationship with Mayim. Butch Klein and Sam Pancake are two of the car men who get arrested. 6/9/22.
- 004. The Koi Effect – 3/28/2005
- Kirstie, Kevyn, and Eddie browse through the tabloids at a newsstand and talk about the publicity garnered by celebrities who do charitable work, whereas Kirstie keeps getting pictures of her eating pasta on the front page. Next door, actress Leah Remini (herself) comes out of a coffeehouse with two friends (Vene Arcoraci, Danielle Franke) complaining how bloated she is following her pregnancy, and says she’s getting into “Kirstie Alley territory” within earshot of Kirstie. Leah feels terrible and starts sending flowers and gifts as an apology. Kevyn and Eddie offer to go on a diet with Kirstie, so she consults Quinn, who is eating tissue paper for dinner. She suggests that they get a parasite, by going to a third-world country and doing charitable work that would give her positive publicity. While trying fish food, Kirstie gets a visit from Mayim, who tells her about the Koi Effect, which was invented by Dr. Sigmund von Oy (Wallace Shawn). She offers to set up a meeting between Kristie and him, or offers to involve Eddie with the explanation, since he didn’t call her after they last had sex. Von Oy comes and explains that the space between molecules in the body is determined by the mind. Eddie is skeptical, but von Oy has everyone close their eyes and imagine that their feet are smaller, and sure enough – according to von Oy – Kirstie and Kevyn think they do get smaller. Eddie thinks he is full of crap, and goes to see Mayim and asks if she came up with this to get back at him for not calling her back. She throws him out, but then pulls him back in and they have sex again. She claims that it wasn’t as good as the first time since the size of Eddie’s penis seems to have shrunk with his feet. Kirstie fully believes von Oy, and as a result, she starts taking in a high-pitched baby voice, begins hanging around with a random smattering of little people, and living in a child’s playhouse within her house. Leah comes over to apologize in person and is shocked to find Kirstie dancing with all of the little people. When she asks if there is anything else she can do, Kirstie asks her to buy all of her new little friends a tiny car. Leah blows her top and reads her the riot act and tells Kirstie that she is mentally unstable. Leah then feels horrible at her self again so she decides to buy the car and stay and dance and play with the little people. Eddie convinces Kirstie to get rid of the Koi Effect and to instead ingest the parasite. This upsets the little people, and they turn on Kirstie. Leah offers to help the little people, and suddenly it is Leah who is getting all of the front-page tabloid promotion. Kirstie gathers up bottle of water with tapeworms in them, but while she drinks hers, Eddie and Kevyn sneak off. Joe Gieb is the little guy Angel. Other little people include Laura Dash, Joseph S. Griffo, David Guzman, Selene Luna, and Susie Rossitto. 6/10/22
- 005. Crack for Good – 4/5/2005
- Kirstie has taken apart her kitchen, which she claims will help her get a better control on her eating, with the hopes that Oprah Winfrey will select her to remodel the kitchen. Eddie then starts making phone calls to try and make it happen. Meanwhile, Kirstie’s brother Jimmy (Christopher McDonald) a chronic crack user, shows up at the house after seeing Kirstie in the tabloids and wants to help her with losing weight. His idea is for her to smoke crack, while Eddie tries to make sure she thinks it is a terrible idea. Eddie stays in Kirstie’s room with her while she sleeps because he’s afraid that Jimmy might do something to her. Eddie is downstairs talking to Kevyn and manages to convince her that she can have a great a butt as he does if she smokes some crack. She smokes crack, stays up all night and becomes extremely horny, then throws herself face down in the pool. Kirstie tells him that she will fire him if he doesn’t keep her alive, then throws him in the pool. Kevyn cries to him and tells him he should have stopped her from doing crack, and then tells her that she is still horny. Kirstie has her father Robert (Geoffrey Lewis) come over to the house to help get Jimmy off crack, but he is only interested in drinking first thing in the morning. Kirstie then finds Eddie and Kevyn in bed together, and she demands he get her out of the room. Kirstie’s mother Jillian (Connie Stevens) the shows up as well, as requested by Jimmy, who wants her to get Kirstie on crack so she will lose weight. Jillian doesn’t want to be judgmental with either kid. A guy named Kenny (Matt Gould) show up with a microphone and a man with a camera to help Kirstie. They hear Kirstie’s family in the kitchen, because all three of her family members are doing crack in there. She assumes that he was sent by Oprah, but then realizes as she introduces her family, that he wasn’t sent by Oprah after all. The next day, the whole family is seemingly sober, and is watching Larry King (himself) on TV, and is surprised that he is doing a piece on Kirstie using the footage gathered by Kenny. 9/28/22
- 006. Cry Baby McGuire – 4/11/2005
- Kirstie has been in bed for three days running because she is so depressed about losing Kid Rock. Kevyn tries to talk her into going to her cabin in Oregon, but she only has the cabin to take her man to… and has no man to take. Kevyn and Eddie talk it over and think it would be a good idea for her to call Merv Griffin (himself) and try to get him to set her up with one of his rich friends. Eddie makes the call to him and tries to drop hints that he is looking for acting jobs, and then turns it over to Kirstie. Merv indeed does invite her to one of his billionaire parties and introduces her to a guy named John McGuire (Bill Smitrovich), and they are attracted to each other immediately. They dance the night away, and then spend the night together. The next morning Kirstie is smitten, and even tells Kevyn and Eddie that she is the first woman he has slept with since his wife passed away eleven years ago, which caused him to weep with joy. He gives her a diamond bracelet, and she invites him to join her, Kevyn, and Eddie at her cabin. Everyone is having a good time, and he starts to cook pancakes and sausage the next morning, but when he realizes there isn’t any baking powder, John begins to cry. Eddie offers to go pick some up at the store and he perks back up. John then gives Kirstie the Hope Diamond. Later that day as they head out for some fishing, he trips over a branch and starts crying again… until he realizes that he didn’t hurt anything. He then cries because he thinks his horse has something wrong with it, He then cries when he sits on some ants, and also cries when Eddie starts killing the ants. Kirstie suspects that John has bottled his emotions after his wife died, and now they are released at inappropriate times. She asks Eddie to talk to him and see if he can uncover anything. The two chat for a while, and John tells him that he is going to ask Kirstie to marry him. When John is ready to get something to eat, John cries because he wants to keep talking. Eddie tells him to stop crying and calls him a cry baby. The two wind up in a fight, and then return to the cabin, both with marks and bruises all over them. John seems composed and doesn’t react to the pain from his cuts and bruises. He goes to be, and Kirstie thinks he might be cured… until they hear him crying in bed because it is dark, and he is hungry. The next morning, he has taken all of his things, as well as the jewelry he gave Kirstie, and left. Merv calls Kirstie and tells him that John thought she was too emotional, prompting Kirstie to throw a temper tantrum. Kevin Sasaki is the singer at the party. Harvey J. Newmark, Mark Z. Stevens, Edward W. Vodicka are band members. 9/28/22
- 007. Hold This – 4/18/2005
- While trying to order multiple expensive bed sheets on QVC for Kirstie, Eddie discovers that none of Kirstie’s credit cards will work. She blames this on her agent Sam for not turning over her checks to Irwin to deposit. She calls and wakes up Sam who tells her that there are no more checks since her hold option with NBC has just expired. The next day Sam tries to get hold of NBC President Jeff Zucker. When Zucker blows him off, he reminds Zucker that Kiristie has an option in her contract to have a network meeting on her turf to try and find her something to work on at the studio. Meanwhile, Eddie and Kevyn realize that their paychecks from Kirstie have bounced. Eddie decides that he is going to walk out on her, while Kevyn tries to convince him that Kirstie is trying to come up with a plan to make it right for them. Kirstie then yells at Eddie that he hasn’t picked up all of the dog poop and that he needs to make the yams for the lemurs. She then insists that Kevyn comes wax her toes while Eddie goes and gets her popsicles. Kevyn begs Eddie to stay with them until she can get a job and get laid and sends Eddie to get Kid Rick to come over. She confesses that she can’t lose the job because she has a record for stealing from Patty Duke. Meanwhile, Chuck and Max at NBC argue over who is going to meet with Kirstie, and Jeff Zucker decides to take it himself. When he shows up at Kirstie’s house, Kevyn arranges to take him upstairs to Kirstie while she is in the bath. Kirstie manages to have ‘partial sex’ with him before he flees the house, helping her wind up with a two-million-dollar development deal. Sam is getting ready to pack up his office and quit thanks to the stress from Kirstie, but when she calls him and tells him that she scored the development deal, then tells him that he is the best agent in Hollywood for getting her the Zucker meeting. Kirstie reflects on all her recent hardships, and then gets to work with developing the series. She calls up her former Cheers co-star Rhea Perlman (herself) and they come up with a show about a group of exasperated housewives who open up a bar that sells alcohol and underwear. Rhea then takes off to attend the shower of Quinn Taylor Scott, who has just gotten married to Kid Rock. When Kirstie hears this, she passes out on the floor and vows to never be fat again. Kiram Kasten is Sam’s agent friend. 1/22/23
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