The Terrible Catsafterme

SEASON 1 – TV Land

Theme song by Ron Wasserman and Emerson Swinford

• 001. Pilot – 6/16/2010
  • Melanie Moretti (Valerie Bertinelli), Joy Scroggs (Jane Leeves), and actress Victoria Chase (Wendy Malick) are headed from L.A. for a Paris getaway when their plane becomes grounded in Cleveland, Ohio. While stranded in the city, they visit a local bar Stormi’s and are immediately hit on by a group of men, including Hank (John Schneider), whom Melanie begins to date. Sensing that their attractiveness status is greatly heightened in the Midwest, Melanie decides to relocate her life – and talks her friends into staying for a while. They rent a house with a salty live-in caretaker named Elka Ostrovsky (Betty White). Melanie soon finds out that Hank is married. Tim Bagley plays the realtor Larry who shows the house. 4/14/13
• 002. Who’s Your Mama? – 6/23/2010
  • Joy starts dating a much younger man named Tyler (David Giuntoli), and soon begins to fear that he may be the son whom she gave up for adoption. After attempting to gather DNA samples from him and is forced to come clean, he tells her that he already knows who his birth mother is. Meanwhile, Melanie encourages Elka to take a chance on dating, and Joy gets hooked on bulk items from the local grocery store Big ‘n Easy. After multiple trips to the store, her real motivation is discovered: the locals recognize her as a former TV star and fawn over her whenever she shows up.  Jack Donner is Arthur. 4/14/13
• 003. Birthdates – 6/30/2010
  • The ladies have appointed one day each year to commemorate all of their birthdays, and this year they decide to celebrate by hooking each other up with blind dates. Only Elka’s date Max (Carl Reiner) seems to have any real potential as Melanie’s is still grieving over his widow, Victoria’s date Chester Robinson (D.W. Moffett) has large breasts, and Joy’s is feared to be a murderer. 4/14/13
• 004. The Sex That Got Away – 7/7/2010
  • At an event at the local Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, Victoria re-connects with her former rock-star boyfriend Johnny Revere (Huey Lewis), but finds that the fact that they are aging is the biggest commonality. Melanie inadvertently makes two sexual advances to her music idol Hailey Chase (Amy Yasbeck), which is eventually accepted much to her surprise and chagrin. 4/14/13
• 005. Good Neighbors – 7/14/2010
  • Victoria throws a party for the neighbors, during which a few misunderstood comments lead to a concern that the newspaper columnist  named Rick (Wayne Knight) next door will publish an unfavorable article about her. When she goes to his house to make a peace offering with a bottle of wine, she ends up breaking in and making changes to the article. After realizing that she left the wine behind, she returns and breaks in again, this time getting caught by Rick – who then proceeds to hit on her. Meanwhile, Victoria is busy advertising adult pants Ladypants for a Japanese company, and Elka prepares for a ‘senior’ prom with boyfriend Max by dying her hair red. 4/16/13
• 006. Meet the Parents – 7/21/2010
  • Feeling guilty, Melanie invites her over-protective mother (Shirley Knight) to visit her in Cleveland, prompting Victoria to invite her self-important father (Hal Linden) to visit as well. Joy is happy that her mother Philipa (Juliet Mills) is in England and thus cannot come for a visit – but Elka finds a way around that by finding her online and keeps her up on the laptop via live instant messenger. Once Melanie and Victoria air their grievances to their parents, it drives them to attempt an affair with each other. 4/16/13
• 007. It’s Not That Complicated – 7/28/2010
  • Melanie becomes confused when she has a romantic encounter with her ex-husband Anders (Bill Dwyer) and he begins to pursue renewing their relationship. But when Joy and Victoria find out that Anders has gotten back together with his young girlfriend, they force him to allow Melanie to break up with him – and to act destroyed by the news. The plan backfires when Anders’ tearful reaction causes her to reconsider the break-up, but when the her friends tell her their plan, Melanie gets in the last word when she chases down Anders at the airport. After the encounter, she meets a new man, a police officer named Pete (David Starzyk).  Elka is having man troubles as well, as a new suitor named Nick (Tim Conway) is tyring to steal her away from Max. In the end, she chooses to stay with Max. Samantha Martin is Melanie’s daughter Jenna. 4/17/13
• 008. The Play’s the Thing – 8/4/2010
  • Joy is feeling hurt when Melanie keeps standing her up while spending time with her new boyfriend Nick. A neighbor kid named Zack, who is a fan of Victoria’s from her days on the soap opera Edge of Tomorrow, enlists her help with their school play version of Romeo and Juliet. After the school coach who had taken over the role of director quits the play, Victoria is given full control, up to and including casting herself as Juliet. 4/17/13
• 009. Good Luck Faking the Goiter – 8/11/2010
  • As Joy goes through a mid-life crisis and searches for a suitable therapist, Elka prompt Victoria to fake a made-up disease called “Flett-Giordano” that will help her compete with a dead actress for the Best Actress award in the Daytime Emmys. Initially she thinks that the only symptom is fatigue, but when two doctors visit hoping to enlist Victoria as a spokeswoman for the disease, she realizes that the symptoms are far more extensive, including developing a goiter on her neck. Melanie is keeping busy with her visiting 20-year-old son Will (Joe Jonas), and while snooping on his cell phone – and answering his texts – she ends up communicating with a girl who is stalking him. Dave Foley guest stars as Dr. Bob Moore. NOTE: The name of the fake disease was inspired by the name of the show’s co-executive producer Anne Flett-Giordano. 4/18/13
• 010. Tornado – 8/18/2010
  • Seeking safe haven during a tornado warning, the gals take refuge in the storm shelter where Elka is hiding a lifetime of loot from her late husband’s career as a mafia fence. The ladies recall the day’s events during which Victoria prepares herself for the Daytime Emmy Awards (which she wins), Melanie tells Pete that she loves him during the storm but can’t hear whether he responds, and during a one-night tryst, Joy receives a text from the son she gave up for adoption. As the storm ends, Pete makes his way to the storm shelter, only to discover all of Elka’s loot. The season ends with Elka being thrown into jail. 4/21/13

SEASON 2

• 011. Free Elka – 1/19/2011
  • The second season begins with Elka in jail with a cellmate name Diane (Mary Tyler Moore), who had been part of the same mob family. The girls are trying to raise money to free Elka, but none of them can come up with it – not even Victoria, whose fortune has been frozen due to the her agent being arrested for tax evasion. Melanie is furious with Pete for arresting Elka, and when he overhears that Joy has sold some of Victoria’s ‘happy pills,’ he is forced to arrest her also. This puts her in danger of losing her Green Card and being deported. Joy had already rebuffed one of their neighbor Rick’s offers to marry her to fool the INS, but after Rick sells his ball collection and pays Elka and Joy’s bail, she reconsiders and agrees to marry him. Rick finally responds to Melanie’s “I love you” from the night of the storm and confesses that he loves her too. 4/21/13
• 012. Bad Bromance – 1/26/2011
  • Melanie is asked to meet Pete’s mother Agnieszka (Bonnie Franklin), who has an icy old world Polish personality. Things go from bad to worse when it is revealed that Pete’s brother is Hank, whom Melanie had slept with right after she arrived in Cleveland. Hank continues to pursue Melanie, even after his wife shows up. Elka, who has been on a bender while lamenting her breakup with Max, spills the beans about Hank and causes Pete to break up with Melanie. Meanwhile Rick is using his engagement to Joy as fodder to attract more women, the most recent being the immigration lawyer that they have hired. Victoria finds a billionaire online, and begins to date him despite that fact that he is so old that she has to carry him. 4/21/13
• 013. Hot for the Lawyer – 2/2/2012
  • An attractive mafia lawyer named Kirk (Mark Deklin) comes to town to defend Elka, and decides that the best defense is to declare her incompetent to stand trial. Melanie, Joy, and Victoria are all attracted to him and each makes a move on him. He seems uninterested, even when the competition spills over into the courtroom. Elka is too distraught over the fact that Max is getting ready to marry another woman named Agnes (Agnes Bratford). She eventually storms out of the courtroom and Judge Lesser (Sherri Shepherd) declares her competent to stand trial. She stops the wedding between Max and Agnes that is going on elsewhere in the courthouse and gets engaged to Max herself. 4/22/13
• 014. Sisterhood of the Traveling SPANX – 2/9/2011
  • A medium gives Joy a  SPANX girdle that is supposed to bring her luck. The SPANX are passed from girl to girl and although the luck first appears to be good, they end up jinxing every situation. Joy’s ‘date’ ends up being a guy who is looking for a babysitter while he proposes to his girlfriend. Victoria gets a movie audition in New York, but is astonished to find that actress Melanie Griffith (as herself) is cast as Victoria’s daughter and ends up in a fistfight with her. Melanie does a favor for a girl in a bar and passes a note to the cashier which turns out to be a hold-up note. A patron injured during the robbery requires an item that can supply compression, so Melanie volunteers her SPANX. In the end, their bad luck is reversed as Melanie gets a date with a doctor, Joy gets a job offer for a soap opera, and Joy enjoys her babysitting stint and decides to have a child. 4/22/13
• 015. I Love Lucci: Part One – 2/16/2011
  • The gang heads to Los Angeles as Victoria is set to appear on soap opera All My Children with Susan Lucci (as herself). Victoria and Susan have a longstanding fued between them and Susan has the script altered to make sure that Victoria, portraying a bandaged patient, will have no lines. Victoria tries to get revenge by putting strawberry juice, which Susan is allergic to, on her props – but winds up getting locked in the bathroom set and then climbing the wall and falling on top of Susan. Joy runs into an old flame, All My Children star Michael E. Knight (as himself), who has spurned her. Taking an idea from the soap opera his working on, he pretends that Victoria had actually been thrown over by his ‘twin brother.’ Melanie labors over selling her old house as she recalls the memories of living there. Elka searches for Robert Redford and winds up on Jimmy Kimmel Live! Kimmel plays himself. Peri Gilpin guest stars as the girls’ L.A. friend Taylor. 4/24/13
• 016. I Love Lucci: Part Two – 2/23/2011
  • After Victoria fell on her, Susan Lucci feigns a coma in order to make Victoria feels guilty and professes her admiration for her. Victoria returns to play her party on All My Children, this time with dialogue and without a face bandage, but  Susan returns and forces her back into her old role, and ‘improvising’ new terrific dialogue using the same words that Victoria had professed to Susan in the hospital. Joy finds out that Michael Knight had been lying about his twin brother, and trashes his Ferrari, claiming that the ‘twin brother’ had done it. Elka and Melanie continue their search for Robert Redford and wind up getting cast in his latest film, but on the second unit. Melanie eventually sells her house and decides that she can let go of the memories, deciding that Cleveland is now her true home and bringing back the door jamb on which she had measured her kids as they grew up. Joy tells Melanie that she had threatened a sexual harrassment suit against All My Children if they didn’t let Melanie re-film her scenes. 4/29/13
• 017. Dog Tricks, Sex Flicks & Joy’s Fix – 3/2/2011
  • Looking for ideas on how to jump start her career, Victoria’s publicist suggest that she secretly release a sex tape of her and another woman. She offers the role of the other woman to Melanie, who refuses. She turns to a prostitute, but they have a disagreement because she says her fee is double for appearing in ‘porn’. Meanwhile, Joy has met a man at her therapist’s office and they seem to be a perfect match. Joy steals his file (along with her own) so she can find out the extent of his problems. All of their issues seem ‘complementery’ until he finds out that she has stolen his file – at which point she breaks up with him. Elka adopt a dog from the animal shelter where she volunteers, and frustrated that she can’t seem to teach him any tricks, names him “Dummy.” 5/2/13
• 018. LeBron Is Le Gone – 3/9/2011
  • Joy meets an obnoxious homeless opera singer (Jon Lovitz) who volunteers to marry her to prevent her deportation, but it means that he is going to have to live with the girls for a few weeks. When the INS shows up for a surprise interview, Joy tries to coach him with a hidden microphone, but it ends in disaster and she has to confess her ruse to the agent, who still gives her an extention because she admires the closeness of the four women living together. Melanie starts dating Jason Disbrow (Isaiah Mustafa), the shooting coach for the Cleveland Cavaliers, who had inadvertently caused LeBron James to leave Cleveland. Since she knows nothing about basketball, she turns to Elka to be coached on what to say to him, but still keeps putting forth constant reminders of LeBron and he breaks it off with her. When Victoria goes for a job interview with a local news show, she is told that her likeability ratings are low, so she tries to improve it by being kind to everyone. She gets a second chance at a segment on a Polar Bear Club, and gets fired for blurting out how she feels about the cold. She ends up re-hired when polls suggest that the majority of people are thinking what she says on the air. 5/5/13
• 019. Elka’s Snowbird – 3/16/2011
  • Victoria meets a man name Dave (Gregory Harrison) during segment of Oh Hi, Ohio, who is interested in her, but her two kids can’t stand Victoria and plot to get rid of her. She can’t compete with them so she calls a meeting with the kids’ mom (Mandy June Turpin) to try to talk her into going for full custody. She agrees, and this is a catalyst for her getting back together with Dave. Melanie and Joy volunteer at a senior center, but Melanie thinks the food they’re serving is unhealthy. They decide to cook healthy food for them and have it featured on Oh Hi, Ohio. Joy sneaks in unhealthy ingredients to make it taste better. Unbeknownst to them, there is a nutritionist onsite who analyzes the food and calls them out it on the show. Ultimately, Victoria pulls the segment to protect her friends. Elka laments that Max is going to Florida for the winter and talks him into staying in Ohio, but his bordom prompts Elka to join him in Florida. This is short lived though and Elka returns to Ohio, having broke up with Max once again. 5/5/13
• 020. Law & Elka – 3/23/2011
  • Elka goes to trial for having possession of her late husband’s stolen loot, but isn’t too concerned when she begins to flirt with an elderly juror (Don Perry) and gets some time alone with him. Unfortunately, she is found guilty and then finds out that the juror loses his short-term memory when he is over-stimulated. Victoria interviews the Governor’s wife Heather Shaw (Amy Sedaris) on Oh Hi, Ohio. She recognizes Joy and asks her to manicure her husband’s eyebrows, but winds up getting mistaken for a prostitute by the press. Joy tries to get her to claim to be having an affair with him as the lead story on her show, but Joy refuses. Elka skips town and winds up in Amish country to avoid her prison sentence. 5/5/13 
• 021. Where’s Elka? – 6/15/2011
  • The gals search Elka’s computer and deduce that she has run away to Canada. They head out to find her, but spot Elka’s car outside an Ohio Amish commune along the way. They stop in an Amish bar and end up getting plastered. A local man named Yoder (George Wendt) visits the bar and Victoria follows him out the door. He brings her to a local women’s home, where Elka has been staying. Joy and Melanie wake up at the bar to find Melanie with a fake beard (having acted out Witness for the crowd). Victoria is greatly admired by the Amish women led by a lady named Sarah (Monica Horan) and enjoys the lifestyle. Joy and Melanie find their way to the home and promise to take Elka on to Canada, where she had been heading when her car broke down, and Victoria decides to stay behind. They trick Elka when she falls asleep and they bring her back to Cleveland. There waiting is the Governor’s wife, who agrees to help Joy get her Green Card and get the charges dropped against Elka if Joy keeps her mouth shut about not having had an affair with the Governor. It seems that his approval ratings would drop further if Ohio citizens found out that he was getting an eyebrow manicure. Victoria returns home having grown tired of the Amish lifestyle, with Yoder not far behind pursuing her. When he find out she’s not a virgin, he loses interest, but ends up taking Elka out to dinner when she claims to be a virgin. 5/5/13
• 022. How I Met My Mother – 6/22/2011
  • Victoria has been corresponding with a man in prison named Gary (Mark Derwin), but using Joy’s name and photo. When he gets paroled, the ladies fear that he is coming to get them. After Elka pulls out a gun, they accidentally shoot a man on the porch, who turns out to be the Owen (Michael McMillian), the son of Joy’s whom she gave up for adoption. Gary turns out not to be the monster that they had thought, and they end up consoling him when he breaks down when he finds out that Joy hadn’t been writing the letters. Joy and Owen bond while he is in the hospital. Elka changes her dog’s name from “Dummy” to “Chance,” thinking that will bring him the confidence he needs to star in the church’s Christmas play. 5/5/13
• 023. Unseparated at Birthdates – 6/29/2011
  • The ladies are ready to celebrate their ‘fake’ birthdays again, and try once again to set each other up on the ‘perfect’ dates. Victoria ends up with one half of a pair of conjoined twins, Melanie’s date reminds her of Jesus, and Elka is set up with a rubber tire tycoon named Jack (Steve Lawrence). Joy likes her date  Kenny (Frank Caliendo) when he does celebrity impressions, but he is a bore when he’s himself. Roy the waiter (John Mahoney) intervenes in the dates and breaks them up when they seem not right. Joy abandons Kenny and hooks up with one of the twins, until she finds out he’s married. Roy ends up getting a date with Elka. 5/9/13
• 024. Battle of the Bands – 7/6/2011
  • The girls decide to form a band to compete in the upcoming Battle of the Bands. Their biggest competition comes form neighbor Rick and his band the Garden Weasels. Lead singer Joy takes the band most seriously, and eventually alienates bassist Victoria, guitarist Melanie, and drummer Elka. After an argument, she leaves the band and joins the Garden Weasels, leaving the other three to fight over who gets to be lead singer. When they figure out that none of them can sing, they try to use an Auto Tune microphone, but on the night of the performance are informed that these aren’t permitted. At the last minute, Joy joins her friends on stage and quits the Weasels. They end up winning third place, but are happy that they defeated Rick and his band. 5/9/13
• 025. Love Thy Neighbor – 7/13/2011
  • Joy visits a fertility clinic to look for a sperm donor, and the lady (Mindy Cohn) there lets slip that their #1 donor is Rick. First intrigued, then won over by Rick’s massaging ability, she begins to have casual sex with him. Melanie thinks that Joy’s strange behavior is a sign of drug addiction, she she enlists Rick to help spy and determine if she is buying drugs. Rick attempt to seduce Melanie with his massage, but Joy walks in on him and is furious. She and Melanie both vow to swear off sex with Rick. Meanwhile, Victoria is trying to convince a play director (Tom McGowan) that she can play the elderly female lead in a musical version of Driving Miss Daisy. The director starts to fall for Victoria when she is in her ‘old lady’ character, then bashes the actress Victoria Chase. Victoria throws him out and reveals her true identity. 5/12/13
• 026. Dancing Queens – 7/20/2011
  • The gals decide that they need to find local G-BFF’s (gay best friend forever), so they visit a gay bar in search of them. Joy picks a homely guy so that he won’t throw her over when he finds a boyfriend, but after she gives him a makeover, he immediately hooks up with a man. Victoria’s man Leandro (Antonio Sabato Jr.) mistakes her for a drag queen entering a celebrity look-alike contest. She goes along in order to keep him interested, but ends up losing to a Susan Lucci lookalike. Elka runs into an old rival named Lydia (Doris Roberts), whom she finds out once had an affair with Elka’s husband and produced a child, who, now grown, has no idea that he was the result of an affair. Elka has pity on him because he reminds her of her husband and doesn’t tell him the truth. 5/12/13
• 027. The Emmy Show – 7/27/2011
  • Victoria’s actress daughter Emmy (Jennifer Love Hewitt) comes to visit after writing a tell-all book about her mother. Initially Victoria tries to talk her out of publishing it, even going so far as to have Elka pose as Emmy’s long lost Nanny Brigit. But then she finds out that they want to make a movie of the book, and have Emmy and Victoria play themselves. Eventually the two reconcile and push forward with making the movie, being sure to note that their reconciliation will not be part of it. Meanwhile, Joy and Melanie are contacted by an anonymous source who turns out to be a child named Austin (Mason Cook) who wants them to compete with each other and a third woman ala The Bachelor for their father. This is put to a stop by the father, who is actually married. 5/24/13
• 028. Arch Enemies – 8/3/2011
  • Victoria’s fellow newscaster Colin Cooper (James Patrick Stuart) goes too far with his practical jokes, embarrassing her on the air. She decides to take revenge by having Joy pretend to fall in love with him, then breaking his heart. The plan backfires when Joy actually falls in love with him, but then becomes overly jealous of him, causing another of Victoria’s practical jokes to blow up in her face rather than his. Melanie runs into a former blind date (George Newbern) and begins dating him again, although he expresses an foot fetish. She agrees to play along until he dresses her feet up in miniature dresses. 5/24/13
• 029. Too Hot for TV – 8/10/2011
  • This episode is a retrospective/blooper show, with the four principles appearing as themselves on the set of the show, sharing some of their memories and talking about the scenes that they found difficult to film without laughing. Of particular note is Betty White’s repeated flubbing of the “Bender Over” joke from the episode Bad Bromance. 6/11/13
• 030. Indecent Proposals – 8/17/2011
  • In the style of Sex and the City, Melanie writes an article for Woman’s Day about her and her friends’ efforts to hook up with a one-night stand. For Victoria, this means meeting up with her old flame Johnny Revere, who ends up having a heart attack and proposing marriage to Victoria. Initially she rejects him but end up accepting – but ultimately they decide that they already have a perfect long-distance relationship. Elka decides to take her friendship with her poker buddy Fred (Buck Henry) to the sexual level, and ultimately aims to propose to him. Fred ends up proposing and Elka accepts. Melanie and Joy are happy to just hook up with firemen who arrive at the house to assist Fred, who has fallen down the well. 6/11/13
• 031. Bridezelka – 8/24/2011
  • Fred and Elka meet with Reverend Boyce (Cedric the Entertainer), a former R&B star known for his song I Wanna Have Sex with You, and he gives them advice on their upcoming nuptials. Elka wants a low-key wedding, but when the gals try to coax her into something bigger, Elka agrees that she needs a big wedding and appoints Joy to be her wedding planner. Elka immediately goes overboard (ala Bridezilla) with the wedding, applies a spray-on tan, and makes ridiculous demands from everyone. Fred gets tired of her behavior and calls off the wedding, but the girls convince him that she’s only trying to have a dynamic and fun wedding. The reverend convinces them to carry on. Also – Victoria has been sent a new product from Miss Lady Pants, a full body suit that soaks up sweat. 6/17/13
• 032. Elka’s Wedding – 8/31/2011
  • In an epsidode reminiscent of The Hangover, the girls wake up the morning after Elka’s bachelorette party, with no memory of what happened the night before. Victoria and Joy both have bouffant hairdos and are wearing wedding rings. Melanie is duct taped to the wall wearing a football helmet. Elka is missing. In flashback, the girls slowly start to recount the events of the previous day. The girls have accidentally taken de-worming medicine (instead of aspirin) before their night of drinking, hoping to avoid a hangover, which makes them behave strangely. They remember that Elka had been looking for a sign from her dead ex-husband Bobby that it is okay to get married. Victoria recalls being offended that a cop (Troy Metcalf) referred to her as a ‘local’ celebrity, and Joy vows to get married before Elka does. Victoria and Joy run out of syrup for their pancakes at the bar and catch a cargo plane to Canada to get some more. They then recall that they didn’t get married to men, but to each other. Elka gets the signs she’s looking for at the grave of her ex-husband and the wedding continues on. As she’s walking down the aisle, various men try to stop the wedding – including Ernie (Jack Axelrod), Lester (Dick Van Patten), and Max. Finally a man barges in and claims that he’s already married to Elka. It turns out to be Bobby (Don Rickles), whom Elka believed was dead. This is the first of a two-part episode to be continued the next season. 6/17/13

SEASON 3

• 033. Elka’s Choice – 11/30/2011
  • Elka must make a decision whether she want to be with Max, Fred, or her husband Bobby, whom she’s believed to be dead for 40 years. Victoria gets a guest spot on a talk show called The Chatter, and hoping to get a job with a trio of hosts, Christal (Kathie Lee Gifford), Jada (Kym Whitley), and Libby (Valerie Azlynn), she pretends to be a lesbian – which isn’t a difficult task now that she is married to Joy. Elka ultimately chooses Bobby and runs off to be with him in hiding in the southwest. The gals retrieve her when they realize that she isn’t very happy with Bobby. 12/30/13
• 034. Beards – 12/7/2011
  • Victoria continues her lesbian ruse to be invited as a guest speaker on a gay cruise. She bribes Joy to come along as her wife, but both confess to the ship’s Captain Labeau (Gilles Marini) that they are straight, hoping to hook up with him. Melanie and Elka (who is most interested in the food) also come on the cruise and Melanie is surprised to find her estranged sister Caroline (Laura San Giacomo) and her girlfriend Nan (Sandra Bernhard) on the cruise. Hoping that this will give them something in common and bring them together, Melanie pretends that she is a lesbian as well, and gets hit on by Nan. Eventually Melanie is caught being ‘straight,’ but the sisters still reconcile. During a spat over the Captain, Joy and Victoria’s argument is heard while she is miked, and the cruise learns that they are not really lesbians, forcing Victoria to confess. 1/1/14
• 035. Funeral Crashers – 12/14/2011
  • Melanie’s favorite dress is sent to the wrong woman by the dry cleaners, and when she finds out the woman has recently died, she decides to crash the funeral and find the dress. Elka joins her to try and meet grieving men, Joy comes to cheer herself up from thinking about her anniversary of being left at the altar, and Victoria finds out the woman has a Soap Opera Digest collection and wants to retrieve the issue on which she had made the cover. The dress turns out to be on the corpse, so Joy climbs in the coffin to remove it, but is caught by a grieving ex-boyfriend Dan (Orson Bean), who gives Joy reason to get over her altar snub. Elka ends up teaming with Roy the waiter, who convinces her that the deceased woman was murdered. The never get the dress, so they talk about using Elka’s investigation shovel to retrieve it from the ground. Jennifer Ann Burton plays Cassie, the deceased woman’s granddaughter. 1/19/14
• 036. Happy Fat – 12/21/2011
  • The neighbor ladies are jealous that their husbands are always looking at them, so Melanie, Joy, and Victoria tutor three frumpy neighbors Kim (Marissa Jaret Wonokur), Sally (Kelly Schumann), and Pam (Yolanda Snowball) on how to lose weight and appear glamorous. But it turns out that their husbands like them for who they are and only stare at the girls, not want to marry them. Elka dates Roy and tries to appear younger and more adventurous, agreeing to go skydiving. They both chicken out when they get in the plane, but end up falling out…and enjoying the ride. Melanie, Joy, and Victoria decide to not worry about their appearance and eat a walking taco out of the garbage, but then reconsider. 1/19/14
• 037. One Thing or a Mother – 12/28/2011
  • Each lady has a bit of a problem with their current dates: Elka finds out that Roy’s mother (Bette Rae) is still alive and doesn’t care for Elka. Joy can’t figure out how old her date Lou (Phil Morris) is; Melanie finally sleeps with her date Andy (Sean O’Bryan) on their 12th day, but he walk around without pants and reminds her of Winnie the Pooh; Victoria’s date Chad (Sean Hayes) is a hand model who can’t feed himself or change a tire for fear of damaging his hands. They host a cocktail party which brings them all together, so that Roy, a former guidance counselor can tell Andy to start wearing pants. When he does, Andy breaks up with Melanie. Roy chooses Elka’s pirogi, so his mother fakes a heart attack, causing them to break up. Victoria dumps Chad because she finds out he won’t clap for her when she gets an Oscar. Joy finds out that Lou is much older when it is revealed that he and Roy went to high school together. She stays with him, but seems distraught when, after sleeping together, Lou deposits his dentures in a water glass. 2/9/14
• 038. How Did You Guys Meet, Anyway? – 1/4/2012
  • While attending a Cleveland Browns football game, Elka asks the three girls how they met each other. Through flashbacks to the 1980’s, all three ladies meet while crying on top of the room of a Beverly Hills Hotel. Victoria was there to seduce a director to get a part in a Madonna music video, having been fired from Robert Palmer’s Addicted to Love video. Melanie was spying on her boyfriend Jake (David DeLuise), who almost convinces her that he is innocent, until she finds his date hiding in a cabinet. Joy was there for her wedding, which gets called off by the groom Kyle Jones through a letter read by a bellboy (Ryan Gaul) through the door, after Joy collapses from an electric shock. Joy also notices a young Elka on a game show on television (through archive footage). Melanie and Victoria announce to the guests that the wedding is canceled, and become friends, vowing to never live in the Midwest. Tim Bagley returns in new footage, extending a flashback scene from the Pilot episode. 2/8/14
• 039. Two Girls and a Rhino – 1/11/2012
  • Victoria is doing a newscast from the zoo, where two black rhinos that refuse to mate are threatening an extinction of their species. However, whenever Joy and Elka both get near them, they become amorous due to their combined odor. The mating process lasts three days so they agree to sleep at the zoo until they are complete. Meanwhile, Victoria and Melanie each get dates, and then find out that Melanie’s date Scott (Doug Savant) is a state senator, while Victoria’s date Buddy (Tim DeKay) is only a janitor. It turns out however that Scott is ‘sexting’ her, while claiming he got hacked. She gives him a second chance before finding out that he is lying. Victoria’s remarks about Buddy’s job cause him to call off the date. Later he wins millions in the lottery. Daniel Roebuck is the zoo director Perkins. 3/18/14
• 040. God and Football – 1/18/2012
  • Melanie gets hit in the head by a football while conducting a locker room interview with kicker Jimmy Armstrong (Dan Cortese), whom she ends up dating despite the fact that he is a complete moron. Victoria agrees to give blood as long as there is press present, and ends up passing out and dreaming that she is in heaven and that Elka is God. When she wakes up, Elka tells her that she is in fact God, and gets Victoria to do some works of charity. Elka and Joy are given free CT scans, and Dr. Brotz (Willie Garson) tells them that Elka is in great shape – possibly immortal – for woman of 90. Joy, however, needs some drastic changes. When Jimmy quits football and winds up in the hospital, Melanie sends Joy to seduce him to give her a reason to break it off. It doesn’t quite work out, but Melanie breaks it off anyway, and Jimmy simply asks out the first nurse who walks in the room (Wendi McClendon-Covey), who accepts enthusiastically. During Elka’s 90th birthday party, she confesses that she was just playing a trick on Victoria and that she isn’t really God. 3/18/14
• 041. Love Is Blind – 1/25/2012
  • Joy begins dating a 22-year old blind man named Mark (Randy Wayne) and pretends to be 26, but she panics when he gets scheduled for surgery that could restore his sight. She has a procedure from a bogus doctor to make her look younger, but it ends up causing her hair to fall out in clumps. Melanie and Victoria are shocked when they find out that their kids Will and Emmy are engaged. They initially try to break them up, but they somehow win over the moms. However, a disagreement over having kids causes them to break up on their own. Mark’s sight is restored and he ends up hooking up with Emmy, who pretends to be Joy and adopts her accent. Elka spends her time at first insulting Emmy’s ex-boyfriend A-Rod over the phone, but then ends up trying to make him feel better. 6/21/14
• 042. Life with Lucci – 2/1/2012
  • A depressed Susan Lucci comes to stay with the gals in Cleveland after her soap All My Children is canceled, claiming that she has turned over a new leaf and wants to be friends. Victoria is suspicious, especially when Susan begins charming the roommates by giving a very effective weight loss pill to Melanie, finding a perfect guy for Joy, and introducing Elka to the pick-up gripper (which she introduces to basketball player Baron Davis, playing himself, to help his game). Eventually Susan wins over Victoria too by convincing her that her star power entitles her to walk away from the autobiographical film project written by Emmy, which portrays her in a negative light. It ends up that Victoria’s miracle pill was a tapeworm, Joy’s date David (Ryan McPartlin) was a male prostitute, Baron Davis leaves the Cavaliers, and Susan ends up playing Victoria in Emmy’s film Mommie Monstrous. Jeanne Simpson plays Dr. Kagen. 6/21/14
• 043. I’m with the Band – 2/8/2012
  • Victoria covers a benefit record recording by a group of artists calling themselves “Cool Aid” creating a song for peace called A Time to Chill. Leading the band is Johnny Revere, who announces that he is getting married and is breaking up with Victoria, who then starts dating Johnny’s rival artist Drago (Steve Valentine), an artist also in on the session. The ruse works during the recording session, and Johnny calls off his engagement to win Victoria back. Since Victoria doesn’t want a commitment, she tries to then convince him that he deserves to be married, but he still chooses having Victoria part-time. Also at the session, Melanie makes out with a guy named David Gates (Dave Allen) who she thinks is from the rock band Bread, but is really a corporate sponsor. Joy tries to get in on the session by eliminating artist Verena (Danielle Bisutti) by posing as a journalist trying to expose the fact that she doesn’t have a six-octave range, and Elka tries to get a celebrity lock of hair from Justin Bieber to raise money for her animal shelter charity, but ends up settling for one from Drago. 8/31/14
• 044. Lost Loves – 2/15/2012
  • It’s Valentines Day and the girls start searching for loves of their past. Victoria contacts her first husband Clark (Curtis Amrstrong), who comes to visit and has lost his muscles and gotten shorter, and brings along their old annoying parrot Barry (voiced by Gregg Berger). She tries to get rid of him, until he tells her that he’s invented a wrinkle-reducing cream. Melanie tracks down an old boyfriend from high school named Nick (Dan Gauthier) on Facebook. She thinks they’re flirting and goes to see him wearing only her swim with nothing under it, only to find that he is married with kids. His wife Alison (Megan Grano) goes end to labor and Melanie ends up babysitting the kids. Fortunately she hits it off with one of the neighbors K.C. (Stephen Weber) and ends up kissing him. Joy goes to see Kyle, the man who dumped her on their wedding day and gets stuck in the elevator with Elka, Max, and a newlywed couple (Kate McDaniel, Zach Lewis). Joy gives up on Kyle, but then sees that his Facebook status indicates that ‘feelings have come rushing back to him’. She decides not to give up on him and then it is revealed that K.C. and Kyle are the same person. NOTE: This is the first of a two-part episode. 8/31/14
• 045. Tangled Web – 3/7/2012
  • Victoria gets angry at Clark when he dumps her over a fight about Gilligan’s Island, and steals his rare spiders – the venom of which causes paralysis – but it gets loose in the house. The ladies head up to Max’s lake house while theirs is fumigated, but the spider comes along in Victoria’s purse. K.C. comes to meet Melanie, but when they realize that he is Joy’s ex-boyfriend, they both pretend that he is there for Joy. When a proselytizer (Christopher Gorham) shows up at the door, Melanie pretends that he is her boyfriend “Casey”. He agrees to the ruse only because he is a huge fan of Victoria and ends up sneaking into her room that night. Joy waits for K.C. but ends up with Elka, whose feet are cold. K.C. instead sneaks into Melanie’s room and gets bitten by the spider which paralyzes him. Melanie and Victoria get him to the sofa, but then Victoria is bit and falls on top of K.C. Clark shows up and both he and Joy find them laying together and assume they were kissing…until Clark realizes that Victoria stole the spider and blows his top for that. Melanie finally admits the truth and Joy learns that K.C. had actually left four additional women at the altar, which relieves her to know that it is actually him who has the problem, not her…then she gets bit by the spider. 9/25/14
• 046. Hot & Heavy – 3/14/2012
  • Victoria desperately wants to win a Newsie award to flaunt to her co-anchor Colin, and gets the idea to wear a fat suit and do an exposé on how fat people are treated. She joins an Over-eaters Anonymous group and tags Elka along, who claims to the group that she lost 600 pounds. Victoria snubs a ‘fellow’ fatty named Chuck, who then hits it off with Joy, who falls for him despite his weight. He ends up being Colin, also in a fat suit and vying for the same award. Melanie attends a different random ‘anonymous’ group i hopes of meeting a man, but it turns out to be a sex-addicts group. This doesn’t stop her from going out with a guy named Sam (Reid Scott). She finally admits that she’s not a sex-aholic, and he confesses that he’s actually a reporter…but they still agree to see each other. Joy is furious when she finds out that her date is Colin in disguise, but can’t hide her feelings for him, especially seeing this side of him and they continue dating. No one actually treats Victoria poorly, so she has Elka fake calling her names for her exposé. Colin however has video footage of Victoria snubbing him and making derogatory remarks while he is in his fat suit. Victoria fakes an apologetic breakdown on the air, which she thinks will clinch her Newsie. 10/30/14 
• 047. Rubber Ball – 3/21/2012
  • Melanie, Victoria, and Joy try to get into the swanky Firestone Club, a country club full of rich rubber barons. Jameson Lyons (Ed Asner) informs them that they’ll need a sponsor “bouncer” that is a current club member before they’ll be considered. He suggests they attend the Rubber Ball in order to meet some members…at $5000 a ticket. At the ball Joy runs into her old boyfriend Colin, who is engaged to an obnoxious heiress named Preshie (Alex Borstein). Joy pretends to be dating the ‘opera guy’ when he shows up suddenly. He turns out to actually be the wealthy Artie Firestone, who has gone from homeless to rich when he claimed his family fortune. Melanie hopes to meet up with distinguished-sounding Preston Vanderbosh to get him to bounce her, but ‘he’ actually ends up being “Preshie,” who then follows her around annoyingly -but does agree to bounce her. Elka, who used to work at the club in 1947 and was fired by Lyons – supposedly because she rebuffed his advance – hopes to get him to fall for her again so that she can throw a drink in his face. Victoria meets a potential bouncer named Peter Filsinger (D.C. Douglas) and then manages to drop an expensive rented earring down the cleavage of his mother (Maree Cheatham), which she retrieves when the lights go out. Peter is aghast that the jewelry was rented. Elka starts to actually fall for Jameson – until he offers to ‘bounce’ her, which she assumes is a euphemism for sex. Once the misunderstanding is cleared up, they become romantic. Joy and Colin are caught kissing outside, so Preshie breaks off the engagement – and is then proposed to by Artie. Everyone has lost their sponsor but they milk all the enjoyment they can out of the $15,000 ball. 9/26/14
• 048. Everything Goes Better with Vampires – 3/28/2012
  • Joy meets a man who tells her that he’s Rick Springfield, and immediately sleeps with him to fulfill her high school fantasy. He turns out to be a toll booth collector named Tom Fontana (Rick Springfield). Joy gets particularly irked by their maid Jacki (Rhea Perlman) when she breaks her Emmy, and fires her. Melanie dates a professor named Donald (Craig Bierko), but breaks up with him for his academic snootiness. Elka collaborates with her best friend Mamie Sue Johnson (Georgia Engel) on a play based on Gone with the Wind – with vampires. The two argue constantly over the content. All of this takes place in their house and each is ready to part ways with their nemesis when Officer Milch (Marco Martinez) shows up and puts the place under lock-down due to a robbery in the area. While they are all playing charades, they all end up making up. Donald takes them all out for dinner even though Tom would rather play more games. Mamie and Elka continue their work…but digress to arguing again. 10/31/14
• 049. Claus, Tails & High-Pitched Males: Birthdates 3 – 4/11/2012
  • The girls’ annual birthdate celebration comes up again, and they set up each other with another round of misfits. Elka sets up Melanie with Jimmy (Roger Bart), the actor who played Franki Valli in Jersey Boys. His voice ends up being high-pitched all of the time, and she can’t stop laughing at him. Melanie sets up Joy with Father Brian (Andy Richter), a priest who has just given up his collar. Joy thinks she can mold him, but when she gives him the rules about staring at other women, he can’t take his eyes off of Melanie’s breasts. Joy sets up Victoria with a very attractive Frenchman named Captain Labeau (Gilles Marini) who is perfect in every way…besides having a tail. Victoria finally accepts his tail, but breaks it off when he calculates how much she owes for the meal. Victoria tries to get Elka a billionaire, but he gets arrested, so she grabs an older bearded man (Paul Dooley) in the bar. Elka comes to believe that he is actually Santa Claus and convinces him not to give up his ‘job’ in the North Pole. The waitress (Tamara Lynn Davis) identifies him as Eric from the homeless shelter. 11/28/14
• 050. Cruel Shoes – 4/18/2012
  • Victoria has created a new line of shoes and asks to use Joy and Melanie to help model them. Meanwhile, Joy meets George (Kevin Nealon), a man with a terminal disease who is using her to cross several items off of his bucket list. They attempt to join the “Mile High Club” unsuccessfully, but then Joy realizes she is really falling for him and tries to break it off…but they end up planning a trip to Brazil. Melanie practices her modeling technique and applies a fake ‘beauty mark’ that slips to her chin and she cannot remove. Victoria’s shoes end up being so painful, that she attempts to promote them to ladies in wheelchairs, but she is called out by the wheelchair model (Joey Honsa) on the runway. Elka ends up using Victoria’s modeling tips and gets hired to model track suits. Drew Droege is the stage manager. 11/28/14
• 051. Bye George, I Think He’s Got It! – 4/25/2012
  • After a quick trip to Rio, George asks Joy to marry him, thinking that since he only has two months to live, they can be on a long honeymoon during their time together. Joy agrees, but throws out his ugly Hawaiian shirt, not realizing that he wants to be buried in it. Artie retrieves it from the garbage but won’t give it up until the girls work with him to be a ladies’ man. They all realize that he can act normal if he only speaks the fourth thought that comes to his head. Meanwhile, Elka’s twin sister Anka (Joan Rivers) comes back into her life after a forty year fight. They try to remember what had started the row, and eventually realize it was because Anka stopped rooting for Cleveland, and rooted for the Cincinnati Reds. During the wedding ceremony, which Artie officiates, George gets a call from his doctor and find out that he is now going to live for two years. He and Joy can’t seem to commit to each other for that long, so they call off the ceremony. 1/16/15
• 052. The Gateway Friend – 5/2/2012
  • Victoria, Melanie, and Joy fly off to Los Angeles to receive Botox treatments thanks to their ‘gateway friend’ Courtney (Kristin Chenoweth) because she is dating the prominent Dr. Minton (Jonathan Silverman). However when Courtney and doctor break up and Courtney comes to Cleveland, the gals try their best to get her back to L.A., both so they can continue their treatments, and not reveal the secret of Cleveland that all men will want her. Courtney slowly comes to learn that herself and gets a date with Cleveland Brown Josh Cribbs (himself), then decides to move to Cleveland. To get Dr. Minton to come visit, they send a picture of Elka and tell him that she is Victoria. When he arrives, his feelings are stirred up with Courtney and he agrees to a more serious relationship in Cleveland. Meanwhile, Elka protests the cutting down of an old oak tree so that a spa can be built. When Minton decides to stay, he vows to open his own practice on that spot and keep the tree up. The girls resign themselves to using Cleveland Botox services. 1/16/15
• 053. Some Like It Hot – 5/9/2012
  • This documentary episode highlights the process that the show’s creators and actors go through each weeks to produce the show… from the script table read to the staging of episode to rehearsals to the filming of the episode. The show contains many interviews with the cast and executive producers Sean Hayes and Todd Milliner and director Andy Cadiff. Among the clips, many bloopers are included. Michael Burger is featured warming up the audience. The many legendary guest stars are also highlighted. Valerie Bertinelli’s husband Tom Vitale also appears. 5/7/15
• 054. Storage Wars – 5/16/2012
  • Victoria is tired of people identifying with her Ladypants commercial, which is now airing in America, so she thinks she sees a Monet painting in a storage locker on Storage Wars (hosted by Dan and Laura Dotson as themselves) and purchases it. It turns out not to be, but they find a letter attached to it written by Abraham Lincoln discussing an affair with an intern. The letter is authenticated by Artie, who is now a professor. She contacts 60 Minutes to do a story on the letter, but she realizes that once she puts the information out there, she will be doing to Lincoln’s reputation what Ladypants did for her, and halts the story. Meanwhile Joy uses the CB radio found in the storage locker and meets a man who goes by “Kerouac Cowboy” (James Denton), and she pretends to be large-breasted “English Rose”. She augments herself with fake breasts, but while talking about them gets Kerouac into a trucking accident. She and Elka head out to find him, but Elka accidentally pokes one of her breasts with knitting needles. He likes her regardless and they agree to meet again in a couple of years when he travels through Cleveland again. Lyn Alicia Henderson is 60 Minutes’ Lauren Barry. Christen Sussin is Shelley. 3/8/15
• 055. What’s Behind the Door – 5/30/2012
  • On the third anniversary of the last episode of Edge of Tomorrow, which ended in a cliffhanger in which Victoria’s character Honor St. Raven sees a mystery person on the other side of her door, Victoria convinces the show’s creator Apryl Sinclair (Cybill Shepherd), with whom Victoria has a long-standing feud as to who created Honor, to bring the show back as a web app. They get most of the actors who appeared in the final scene: Hugh Fletcher (Barry Bostwick) as Judge Thorndike, Jessica (Rosa Blasi) as Dr. Tess Montgomery, and Hector Cruz (Mel Rodriguez) as Luis the pool boy. Hector has put on a ridiculous amount of weight since playing Luis (Albert Marrero Jr.). Elizabeth Meadow (Francine York) as Lady Natalie cannot return so Elka steps into the role. Hugh is now working as Apryl’s butler. They recreate the set at Victoria’s news studio and agree to a product placement ads from Three Musketeers and Bed, Bath, and Beyond. Elka is more concerned that her lipstick shade Prohibition Pink has been discontinued, but promises the ‘services’ of Joy to get the last stick from Hector, who uses it on his nipples, but he changes his mind because she talks too much. Melanie helps write the script and the mystery person behind the door turns out to be Judge Thorndike’s twin brother Senator Jason Van Klauss. Apryl pulls the plug when she and Victoria continue to fight. Apryl ultimately admits that she ended the series with the cliffhanger because she refused to kill off Honor in the last episode when a bullet was what was really on the other side of the door. Apryl and Hugh confess their love and become engaged. 3/8/15
• 056. Blow Outs – 6/6/2012
  • Melanie doesn’t want to reveal where she is getting the blow-outs that are making her hair look so great, because she’s afraid that Joy and Victoria will ruin it for her when they insult the owner. Melanie goes to see the hairdresser Christopher (David Spade), while Elka sees his gay partner Pierre (Regis Philbin). Joy and Victoria follow her and immediately cause a rift between Christopher and Pierre…which makes Melanie miss her blow out and ruins her hair. Tensions then rise between all of the ladies. Pierre attempts to fix it by dying it blonde, but she ultimately returns to Christopher who fixes it with a wig. The ladies continue to see Christopher, and Joy sleeps with him. Irritated with each other, the ladies then all look for an apartment and show up at the same one, where they realize how much they love living together. Christopher and Pierre reconcile as well when Christopher realizes that he needs Pierre – who turns out to be his father – to keep the older clientele. Pierre asks Elka out on a date, disproving their theory that he is gay. The show ends in a cliffhanger when the ladies find a baby on their doorstep. 5/6/15

SEASON 4

• 057. That Changes Everything – 11/28/2012
  • The baby that the girls found on the doorstep is Wilbur, Joy’s grandson through her biological son Owen, who had the baby with a one-night stand is considering giving him up for adoption. Victoria takes the baby out for an film audition and ends up getting a role for herself in a Woody Allen movie, but brings home the wrong baby. The girls all return to the studio to get Owen, and Melanie ends up getting a job promoting the city of Cleveland from the attractive Chloe Powell (Heather Locklear), after she is overheard defending the city to an actress (Amy Paffrath). Melanie also meets Chloe’s attractive business partner Alec (Jay Harrington) and they share a quick kiss so that Melanie isn’t distracted by wondering what it is like to kiss him. Chloe tells her that Alec is her ex-husband and that she’d better stay away. Meanwhile Elka tries to get the upper-hand of her new boyfriend Pierre when he seems to become uninterested by getting her hair done by Pierre’s brother Etienne, which works like a charm. Pierre convinces Owen to keep the baby, with the ladies all promising that they’ll help raise him. 7/14/15 
• 058. A Midwinter Night’s Sex Comedy – 12/5/2012
  • Melanie’s crush on her boss Alec escalates and he asks her to join him for dinner to scope out a restaurant, while Chloe orders Melanie to find out the identity of the curvy brunette who is stealing Alec’s heart. Melanie intends to put a stop to their budding romance, but then realizes that Alec is actually meeting another brunette named Carmen (Morgan Hewitt) at the restaurant after she and Alec have concluded their business. Victoria is asked by Woody Allen to gain weight for her part in his film Cleveland Rhapsody, and she ends up sleeping with him during a storm power outage so she doesn’t have to. She later finds out that it wasn’t actually Woody, but assistant director Gary (Ed Crasnick), who has adopted Woody’s mannerisms. Joy decides to return to school, but is embarrassed because other students think she is too old. She blasts her teacher Professor Oliver (George Ketsios) when he refers to her as a ‘senior citizen’, only to realize that Elka is seated behind her. Joy questions why Elka is taking a finance class, and then discovers huge wads of cash in Elka’s purse. 7/15/15
• 059. Method Man – 12/12/2012
  • Melanie and Alec get drunk together and nearly kiss, but when Melanie gets jealous of Alec’s relationship with Carmen, she lies and tells him that she is dating method actor Emmett Lawson (Alan Dale), who is co-starring with Victoria in the Woody Allen film. Alec asks Melanie to try and get Emmett to endorse the Cayahoga River wine they are selling. Emmett meets Victoria and is quite impressed by her, but later belittles her… which is actually his way of employing his method acting. Victoria tries to make him nice again by inserting more cordial dialogue into the script. Emmett thinks the new dialogue is terrible, so Victoria confesses that she wrote it, but Emmett still comes through with pretending to be Melanie’s boyfriend and endorsing the wine. However Alec then overhears Melanie telling Alec about her lie and how she really has feelings for Alec. Meanwhile Joy contends with fitting in with her younger classmates and Elka. She accomplishes this by telling them how to tell how men really are. Cassie Scerbo is Lindsay, Ally Maki is Brooke, Francesca Catalano is Devon. 9/11/15
• 060. GILFs – 12/19/2012
  • Elka and Mamie tell Joy that the large sums of cash they have in hand are from an online dating service “Grandmothers I’d Like to Friend,” and then go about a commercial for this business as a cover for their real, as-yet-unrevealed business. They end up using Joy as their spokeswoman, unbeknownst to her. Meanwhile Melanie sends Alec a series of drunken texts while Alec is out of town with Carmen, but when she finds out that he had not taken his phone with him, she, Joy, and Victoria break into Alec’s apartment to delete the messages. While there Joy meets an older man named Mr. Sherden (Pat Harrington Jr.) who recognizes her from the website and accepts a date with her, and they also run into Carmen who says that she never went with Alec on their trip. Emmett starts an internet rumor that he and Victoria are having an affair to generate publicity, but when his agents advise him Victoria isn’t testing well, he switches the affair to Heidi Klum. This hurts Victoria, who was starting to become attracted to him and she takes revenge by being rude to him during interviews about the film… and wind up in a passionate kiss. Michael A. Shepperd is Scott the interviewer. 9/11/15
• 061. A Box Full of Puppies – 12/26/2012
  • When Chance swallows Joy’s keys, Joy, Melanie, Elka, and Mamie take him to the veterinarian. Victoria’s daughter Oscar (Lauren Lapkus) is visiting from London and wants to do a piece for NPR on the way Cleveland has changed her mother and friends. When Oscar starts to realize that her mother hasn’t changed much, Victoria pretends she is an animal lover and they head to the vet as well. While Elka tries to teach Mamie how to hit on men, Joy is snubbed by an attractive married man (Jeffrey Doornbos). However she has more luck with a firefighter named Sean (Eddie Cibrian) who brings in a boxful of rescued puppies even though she is competing with her neighbor Sally. Oscar concludes that Melanie is much wilder than she was in L.A., and Joy takes more romantic chances, but that her mother hasn’t changed much at all. This leads to a fight between them, but they eventually reconcile and Victoria tells her that she is much happier in Cleveland, realizing that as an actress she hid her true misery back in L.A. Elka and Mamie assist with finding homes for the puppies, and Mamie realizes that the vet is her former grade school classmate Tommy Hill (Fred Willard), and a romance is sparked between them. 12/9/15
• 062. Cleveland Fantasy Con – 1/2/2013
  • Alec returns from his trip and confesses to Melanie that he has feelings for her too. However Chloe also thinks she is getting back together with Alec since the cat they still ‘shared’ died and he tried to comfort her when she followed him on his trip. Chloe insists that she, Alex, and Melanie attend the Cleveland Fantasy Con for a client – dressed as Invincible Man & Seductra with Melanie as Scat the Gargoyle. Meanwhile Joy is aghast when she finds out that Sean is big into not only Star Trek, but My Little Pony. Elka and Mamie go on a secret midnight run with something illegal in their trunk, but when they get pulled over by the police, Elka pulls the ‘know your grandmother’ card and they get off. Victoria is worried that Emmett is cheating on her in London with someone more famous, so she travels there and hides under his room service cart, only to find that he is being very faithful. Dressed in their costumes, Melanie and Chloe wind up on the ledge of their office when Melanie lets Chloe’s new cat out the window. Alec reveals his relationship with Melanie to Chloe, but she accepts it when Sean, with whom Joy has just broken up, rescues her. Alec and Melanie’s romance commences. 12/9/15
• 063. Magic Diet Candy – 1/9/13
  • Reverend Lare (Alan Ruck) sits down with the ladies and ‘Rejoyla’s’ mother Philipa to discuss what went wrong with Wilbur’s christening. Joy recalls picking the church with her son Owen and warning him that he will have to maintain the lie that he is a cardiologist to her his grandmother when she comes for the event. Upon arrival, Joy and her mother argue incessantly, and her mother learns that Joy has had Owen in her life longer than two weeks despite what Joy had told her. Meanwhile Melanie gets irritated by Victoria’s constant bragging about dating Sir Emmett Lawson, by feeding her buttery caramel and telling her that it is magic diet candy and causing her to gain weight. Elka thinks that the restorer is taking too long to finish a painting of Saint John, so she takes over herself. During the christening, Joy finds out that her mother discouraged Owen’s father from asking her to marry him, and Joy’s button flies off her pants, hitting Reverend Lare in the eye, causing him to expose the painting of Saint John, who now looks like a monkey. The Reverend sentences Melanie to listen to week of Victoria talking about her boyfriend, and tells Elka that she is going to hire a real artist. Despite Joy’s animosity toward her mother, he also tells Joy that forgiving her mother might work in her favor. She does in fact thank her mother for trying to do what was right in her life, thus restoring their relationship. 2/12/16
• 064. Extras – 1/16/2013
  • Joy gets work as an extra in the Woody Allen movie and ends up striking up a relationship with another extra named Liam (Nic Bishop), who happens to be Emmet’s estranged brother from who Liam took a role that made his career while breaking Liam’s. Victoria forbids Joy from dating him, and Emmet’s condescending attitude toward his brother, causes Joy and Liam to try and steal focus during their scene in the movie. Emmett calls them out on it and gets them kicked out of camera range by assistant director Gary. Meanwhile Melanie sleeps with Owen, but goes ‘fake porn’ on him by over-acting her excitement. She tries to damage control the next time they are together but she ends up doing it again. When she finally admits it to him and tries to tone it down the third time, Owen appears disappointed. However when they both seem to have a fetish for their advertising subject – toenail fungus – the fourth time is made exciting again. Joy calls Victoria out on her selfish treatment of her and Victoria finally apologizes, and offers to get Joy a line in the movie. Joy is desperately trying to make Wilbur’s first word ‘Nana’, but when Elka and Mamie babysit Wilbur, after he finally says “Nana”, he adds “T.V.”, “crap,” and “bitch” to his vocabulary. 2/13/16
• 065. The Conversation – 1/23/2013
  • Emmet’s estranged wife Nikki (Heather Dubrow) surfaces to insist that Emmett make an appearance on a reality show True Wives of Tampa, St. Pete she’s been offered. Victoria is upset to find out that Emmett hasn’t signed the divorce papers so that he has a safety net when women get to serious about him. Victoria tries to get Nikki’s boyfriend Brad (Michael Weaver) to push Nikki to get the divorce finalized, but he refuses and tells her that her being married is a ‘safety net’ that keeps her from talking about marriage. Victoria then bribes Nikki that she’ll get Emmett to appear on the reality show if she signs, but finds out that it is actually Emmett who hasn’t signed them. Fearing that she is losing Emmet, she confronts him, and is delighted to find out that instead of giving her a brush-off gift, he gives her the signed divorce papers. Joy sleeps with a young doctor named Lloyd (Robbie Amell), who turns out to only be eighteen years old. Joy tries to get rid of him when she finds out by insisting on commitment, but it backfires when Lloyd asks her to marry him. Melanie feels sorry for their mailman Ye’arg (Marshall Manesh) whose wife has left him and invites him in for some water. Ye’arg ends up staying all weekend, and when his wife Fado (Ani Sava) finally returns, everyone finds out that she had only left for a trip with her girlfriends for the weekend. Ye’arg lures Lloyd away from Joy by showing him a picture of their daughter and inviting him over. 5/8/16
• 066. The Anger Games – 1/30/2013
  • At Melanie’s persuasion, Alec gives up the title of Cleveland’s Most Eligible Bachelor, which he had been named as for the past five years. Joy begins dating Alec’s good friend Bill (Cameron Mathison), a restaurant owner and ‘word-shorterner’ with whom Alec has a constant competition rivalry. Bill ends up getting the Eligible Bachelor award, despite the fact that his restaurants overuses truffles. Elka takes on the role of Victoria’s assistant, and ends up appointing herself as her agent and loses Victoria a role in a Quentin Tarentino movie and guest spot on Jimmy Kimmel’s show. Sparks also begin to fly when the couples begin sharing secrets about each other. Joy finds out that Bill has only one testicle, Melanie finds out that Alec once had the worst score ever on Jeopardy, that Alec hates her John Mayer music during sex, and slept with nine women at the office, Alec finds out that Melanie hates his ‘soul patch’, and Bill finds out that Joy hates how he shortens words and has bad luck with men. It turns out that Alec slept with Nina, not nine women. Although Melanie and Alec have their first fight, they make up and Alec decides to announce to the office that they are in a relationship. Joy reveals Victoria’s age to Bill, but it is bleeped out. Denice Sealy is Kathy. 5/8/16
• 067. Fast and Furious – 2/6/2013
  • The ladies visit the former Camp Shady Pines, where Elka and Mamie used to camp with their husbands, which is now a retreat spa where they have come to fast. During a healing session with their Yogi Ananda (Ed Begley Jr.), they make several confessions: Joy would like to become a private detective, Victoria feels hurt that no one can count on her, Victoria and Joy confess that Mealine’s ex-husband Anders hit on them, and Mamie thinks Elka bosses her around. Melanie starts to worry that Alec might break her heart and questions their relationship. In her hunger-induced delirium he even begins to envision the Ranger Murphy (Kevin P. Farley) is Million Dollar Room host Carter Oosterhouse (himself). Meanwhile Joy spots Yogi apparently strangling a woman, and when the ranger doesn’t do anything about it, she investigates on her own. Victoria is supposed to keep the Yogi busy, but she fails and he catches Joy in his cabin, where she has found the victim… which turns out to be a blow-up sex doll. The fact that Victoria talks him out of pressing charges, indicates that even though she can’t be counted on, she can always get friends out of trouble. Mamie wants to leave the illegal business that she and Elka are in, and walks out on Elka. Eventually she changes her mind and returns. Melanie kisses Ranger Murphy while thinking that he is Oosterhouse, but still decides not to be with him. She thinks that she’s passed the universe’s test to see if he is meant for her. All the women celebrate their victories by having pizza. 8/11/16
• 068. What Now, My Love? – 2/13/2013
  • Melanie starts to show concern with her and Alec’s relationship when he returns a toothbrush that she left at his house. When she leaves another one along with some lipstick and he returns that as well, it leads to a conversation about the future of their relationship. Initially Alec says he likes things the way they are, but when Melanie decides they need a break, Alec asks her to move in. Meanwhile Victoria too is concerned about her relationship with Emmett because she draws parallels with the characters that they’re playing in the movie, and Emmett thinks the characters will part ways. Emmett eventually tells her that he wants their relationship to continue and decides to take her to Morocco with him where they are shooting his next film in which he will play the next villain to James Bond. Joy gets a job as intern with private detective Bob Moore, who in addition to repeating over and over again that they cannot fall in love, wants Joy to investigate his father, who is giving money regularly to an elderly woman. The woman turns out to be Elka, and Joy ends up finding her ‘merchandise’ in an old stove in the house, leaving Elka to question what Joy will do with the information. 8/11/16
• 069. It’s Alive – 6/19/2013
  • The ladies find out that Elka has been selling bargain pharmaceuticals to the elderly that have been smuggled in from Canada. They want Elka to sell everything she has, not realizing that she and Mamie Sue have set up a makeshift pharmacy in the basement. When they are threatened by a competitor named Tommy (Danny Pudi) who threatens to burn down their house, Joy turns to Bob’s brother Claude (Brian Baumgartner) to help them by pretending to be local gangster Salvatore Ferullo aka Sally from Cincinnati (William Shatner), and claiming that he is Elka’s son. When Claude takes some medication and alcohol to calm his nerves, both Melanie and Victoria step up in a pretend to be Sally. Tommy doesn’t buy it, but then the real Sally shows up after hearing that he is being impersonated. It scares Tommy off, but then Sally plans to intend with the ladies… until his real mother Sophie (Shirley Jones) shows up and turns out to be one of Elka’s customers. NOTE: This episode was filmed live and the performers take a bow for the audience at the end. 10/21/16
• 070. Canoga Falls – 6/26/2013
  • Victoria is called to come to her own hometown of Canoga Falls, New York to name a town square after her, but in actuality her sister Bess (Jean Smart) wants her back to help take care of their mother Penny (Carol Burnett) who appears to be suffering from dementia and behaves like a hoarder. Penny reveals to Elka however that she has been pretending to be crazy in order to get Victoria to visit. Bess announces that she is going to be leave town with an old boyfriend. Victoria plans to bring her mother back to Cleveland to put her in assisted living, but Penny then realizes she went too far and is going to wind up in a home so admits she was faking her craziness, but still agrees to move to Cleveland. Back home, Elka introduces Nick to Penny, and he agrees to show her the sights of Cleveland. 10/24/16
• 071. The Proposal – 7/10/2013
  • Emmett looks for a creative way to propose to Victoria, and Alec suggests just going to dinner, and Emmett decides to hide the engagement ring in her chocolate mousse at dinner. Meanwhile Melanie begins to notice some feminine ways of Alec when he screams when he sees a mouse, then hurts his back after chopping wood and starts walking funny. Joy and Melanie attempt to assist Emmett with his plan, but they lose track of the mousse that has the ring in it, while pontificating on the effect of losing Victoria. They nearly stifle another couple, Milo (Sam Daly) and his girlfriend, when they assume that Milo’s engagement ring is really Emmet’s. They try to keep Victoria busy by keeping her crying and fixing her own makeup while they try to find the ring. It winds up in the dessert of another couple, Rusty (John Colella) and Brenda (Jill Benjamin), which causes Brenda to walk out on him realizing she is disappointed once again. After Emmett gets the ring back and Alec sees another mouse and squeals, everyone in the restaurant thinks Emmett has proposed to Alec. Victoria finally realizes the ring is for her and is ecstatic… but then Federal agents (Elliot Woods, Keiko Elizabeth) who up and arrest Emmett for tax fraud. The ladies attempt to look at the bright side and celebrate the engagement with some mousse they brought home, only to find another ring that belongs to puzzled couple S.J. (Nick Jandl) and Zoe (Alexandra Ruddy). 1/27/17
• 072. Pony Up – 7/17/2013
  • To try to cheer up Victoria after Emmet’s arrest, Melanie gets her involved with a local Kidney Foundation on-air spot on Good Morning America, on which Victoria is put on the spot by her co-host Dr. Hernandez (Carole Gutierrez) to pledge one of her kidneys. Meanwhile Bob assigns Joy to act as a ‘honey trap’ to try and catch a serial cheater named Mark (Wally Kurth), but while undercover she runs into her ex-boyfriend Sean, the Brony. Bob tries to disrupt her her re-budding romance with Sean, and he and Sean end up becoming best buddies, which interrupts his relationship with Joy. Bob agrees to ‘break up’ with Sean, which earns Joy’s gratitude. Victoria is relieved when she finds that there is another kidney donor, and then meets the little girl Lisa (Lauren Craft) who was going to get the kidney. When the other donor falls through, Victoria is now happy to give Lisa her kidney. Victoria milks being laid up after the operation. Julie Wittner is the saleswoman. 1/27/17
• 073. No Glove, No Love – 7/24/2013
  • As the ladies prepare for Wilbur’s first birthday party, Alec and Melanie start to ponder what it would be like to have children. Alec’s daydreams are romanticized, while Melanie thinks about how a child would age her prematurely. Joy lets them take Wilbur out for the afternoon, and they temporarily lose him in the bar. As they consider their final fantasies about having a grown child, Melanie decides that she doesn’t want to have any more kids, and Alec agrees. However later when Alec brings over a baseball glove for Wilbur that had been passed down from his father, Melanie realizes that Alec is not sure about not wanting children, and tearfully breaks it off with him. Elka fantasizes about what it would have been like with kids, picturing a young Melanie (Mary-Charles Jones), Victoria (Cordelia Sonnenschein), and Joy (Raevan Lee Hanan) as her children.  Joy and Victoria struggle to put together a French puppet theater for Wilbur’s gift. Cameron Castaneda and Michael Weisman play versions of their imagined child AJ. Bailey Gambertoglio is imagined child Justine. 5/9/17
• 074. The Fixer – 7/31/2013
  • Melanie struggles to cope with her break-up with Alec, but finds she is unable to cry. After her friends try to help her, she finally breaks down to a stranger at a restaurant named Danny Doyle (Tom Arnold), and she lets him spend the night at her place. The next morning she finds out that they didn’t actually do anything all night except cuddle… and also find out that he actually has an appointment to meet Victoria, and plans to help her bribe the judge in Emmett’s case. Once Danny realizes that Melanie isn’t a prostitute, he starts to fall for her and asks Victoria to get him a date with Melanie to in exchange for his legal services. Meanwhile Melanie makes a date with her gynecologist Dr. Aaron Everett (Jack Wagner), who shows up unexpectedly on the night that Victoria has arranged for Melanie to have dinner with Danny. When they both show up at the same time, both men decide to dump her, and Danny admits that the judge can’t be bribed anyway. Melanie makes a foll0w-up doctor visit with Aaron in order to see him again, and he decides to give her another chance. Elka and Joy each make a student film in hoping to get the only A that their Professor Zucker (Jim Meskimen) will give out. The assist each other and Joy submits a reminiscence about Elka’s days in Nazi-occupied Poland called Passage to Freedom, but Elka gets the A with her film Man Hands, featuring Joy’s giant hands. Gita Reddy is the nurse. 5/9/17
• 075. Look Who’s Hot Now – 8/7/2013
  • Actresses Valerie Bertinelli, Betty White, Wendie Malick, and Jane Leeves address the audience before a show taping, and spot actress Kirstie Alley (herself) from the TV Land show Kirstie standing off in the wings. They invite her to join them on stage, where she tells them she just came over to check on the show since it is one of her favorites. When she asks what is going on in the show, an announcer gives a recap of the synopsis with clips from the first episode. They then show clips, interspersed with show bloopers, of various bizarre situations that the ladies have gotten themselves in over the past several seasons. Kirstie then asks about the various guest stars they’ve had on the show, so many clips and bloopers are shown with the guest stars. Kirstie mentions her guest starring appearance on the show, which really hadn’t happened… other the current one they are creating. They then chat and show clips of how often the ladies treat each other poorly and deliver insults on the show. Finally, they show the many different relationships the ladies had on the show. Then although the actress give professionalism as one of the main ingredients on the show, clips are shown of the cast screwing up their lines. Kirstie notes that her new show will have a fraction of the success that Hot in Cleveland has. They then begin filming the current episode of the show, and Betty immediately forgets her first line. 6/22/22
• 076. Cleveland Indians – 8/14/2013
  • Joy is desperate to get Wilbur into the area’s top pediatrician Dr. Kapoor (Alice Amter) but hears that she only accepts new Indian patients, so she adopts an Indian accent and pays her a visit, posing as Wilbur’s mother. Kapoor takes a liking to her, but hints that Wilbur’s admission is contingent on Joy cooking an Indian dinner for her and her single son Ravi (Pej Vahdat), whom she considers to be fat and lazy, but wants to have a grandchild through. Joy hires an Indian chef named Manu (Parvesh Cheena). Meanwhile Victoria breaks it to her wedding planner Jeffrey (Michael Urie) that her wedding will be held in a prison, as Elka prepares to audition for a community production of The Importance of Being Ernest. When she doesn’t get the part, she pounds some vodkas and joins the dinner party. When Joy meets Ravi, she finds that he is actually quite attractive and truly wants to date him. Jeffrey has demanded to be invited too as a condition of planning the prison wedding, and his real motive is to see Ravi, who is actually his gay fiancee, so that he can finally meet his mother and convince her to approve of their marriage. Elka finally spills the beans about everyone’s secret, and although Dr. Kapoor is initially aghast, it soon comes to light that the chef Manu is actually her son whom she gave up for adoption. With him having a wife that his mother can boss around, Kapoor gives Ravi her approval to marry Jeffrey. 1/2/18
• 077. Corpse Bride – 8/21/2013
  • Melanie is ready to break it off with her boyfriend Harry, but when she arrives at his house, she finds him dead. She and her friends also find an engagement ring that he was getting ready to give Melanie, and when she is seen trying it on by Harry’s cousin Margaret (Yeardley Smith), she is welcomed into Harry’s family, and somehow is given the task of delivering his eulogy to his family including Harry’s son Jason (Michael Croner), whom she never knew existed. Meanwhile Joy runs into to her former psychologist Dr. John Greenly (Chris Williams), and when Joy admits that she left his services after finding him attractive, the two begin to date… although Joy keeps alternating between him as a boyfriend and a doctor. As Jason speaks at the funeral, Joy runs out and confesses her feelings to John about her estranged, and recently deceased, father, which has been causing her to avoid her mother’s calls. He advises Joy to write down her feelings, which finally gives Melanie the words to use at the eulogy. Meanwhile Victoria wears a new product, the Lady Abs electric tonic belt, that not only shocks her but gets stuck on her during the funeral, causing frequent outbursts. Joy finally gets some closure when her mother sends Joy a painting that her father had made of her as a girl. Elka and Mamie attempt to roast a friend from the Senior Center turning 100, but when they drink too much and get too dirty, they are thrown out. 1/2/18
• 078. All My Exes – 8/28/2013
  • As she is preparing to leave for Las Vegas for her bachelorette party, Victoria falls down the stairs and gets hit in the head by the door, winding up in a suite at the hospital. Her neighbor Kelly is her nurse and when she mentions how the late night shows are poking fun of her and Emmet’s upcoming marriage. Victoria gets to wondering why her previous five marriages failed, so she begins contacting her exes to see what she could have done better. Her ex-husband Julian (Enrico Colantoni), the only one who ever broke her heart, is a noted heart surgeon and happens to be in the hospital and pays her a visit. She finds out from him that she was so consumed with her career that he never felt needed, a sentiment saved by the others. She attempts to go the prison and call off the marriage, but the guard (Jeffrey De Serrano) won’t let her in. She panics, and tells him to tell Emmett that she needs him… which assuages her fears about the marriage. Meanwhile Melanie and Joy find a comatose patient named Andy Gordon (Brody Hutzler) and each fantasizes about how he might fulfill all of their needs. When Joy trips of the life support system, it ‘reboots’ him and he wakes up, not interested in either and still thinking he’s a 19-year old skater. With their trip to Vegas cancelled, Elka and Mamie pretend to check into the hospital and get pampered as they would have on their trip. 9/3/18
• 079. Love Is All Around – 9/4/2013
  • With the ladies’ ‘birthdates’ coming up, the ladies make their plans, with Melanie meeting with a man named Rex Swanson (Edward Kerr) whom she met a Pet Smart charity event, Victoria meeting with independent film director Wes O’Rourke (Jesse Tyler Ferguson) in hopes of getting a job, and Joy meeting with her poetry professor Robin York (George Hamilton). Elka on the other hand wants Mamie and her to meet up with their old GLOB bowling team – the Gorgeous Ladies of Bowling: Diane (Mary Tyler Moore), Angie (Valerie Harper), and Peg (Cloris Leachman). The ladies begin bickering almost immediately and they have to take a break from each other. Melanie is thrilled with her date as he is a plastic surgeon, but Victoria realizes her date has webbed hands, and Joy finds that her date would rather be with Elka. Melanie’s date gets worse when she asks what potential alterations he could make to her, and he marks up her entire face. The ladies all make up, with the biggest hold-outs Diane and Angie finally making up over Diane stealing Angie’s boyfriend. The do however decide that they enjoy some good-natured bickering more than constant ‘old lady’ pleasantries. Melanie breaks it off with Rex for fear he’d always see her imperfections. Once Victoria is honest about not knowing much about independent films, Wes is thrilled with her honesty… except when she says his hands make her uncomfortable. In any case, he is more interested in her getting him a job directing soaps. Joy tells off Robin when he offers to throw her a bone and sleep with her, even though he finds Elka’s soul much more attractive. NOTE: The final scene of the cat in the window utilizes the ‘meow’ of the MTM production logo to pay tribute to this Mary Tyler Moore Show reunion. 9/3/18
• 080. The Man That Got Away – 9/4/2013
  • When the warden is fired for accepting bribes from the prison where Emmett is being held, the new Warden Bulkhalter (Nick Searcy) tells Victoria that they can no longer invite her celebrity guests and the press to their wedding, which will now be held in one of the cells. Victoria sneaks a UK People Magazine photographer in as a member of the clergy, who can take photos with the cross around his neck. Joy is surprised to find that the photographer/priest is actually her son Owen’s father Simon (Craig Ferguson) who abandoned them thirty years earlier. She will not speak to him and relies on Elka to act as the intermediary, but soon softens and talks to him. He is honest and says that although her mother drove him away, it was an easy way out for him because he was too scared to be a father. Their romance is temporarily re-kindled when he is suddenly called back to England to cover a royal family baptism… but he promises to return. Following their wedding, Victoria and Emmett have their honeymoon in the conjugal visit trailer, where he finds out that more indictments are coming down on him and that he can expect another ten years in prison. He wants to annul the wedding so Victoria can have a life, but she wants to stay married. When she wakes up the next morning, she finds that he has escaped prison in her clothes. Meanwhile Melanie finds out that a mole in not cancerous so she is extremely upbeat about everything… until she gets a phone call form another doctor and finds out that she is pregnant. NOTE: This episode is to be continued. 5/30/19

SEASON 5

• 081. Stayin’ Alive – 3/26/2014
  • Alex Trebek (himself) introduces this episode as being broadcast live, and states that the cliffhangers from the previous season will be resolved in the next episode. After Emmett’s escape Victoria and the girls look for a hideout so she won’t be questioned, and head over to Mamie’s house, where they find she is being held at gunpoint by Chester, the large-breasted man Victoria had gone out with on a blind date for her birthday, and his wife Lily (Constance Zimmer), who have just robbed a jewelry store. The ladies are held hostage while Chester waits for a plastic surgeon to arrive to change his face. Joy’s co-worker Bob shows up and taking a cue from Joy, pretends that he is the plastic surgeon. Then the actual surgeon Dr. Jin-Ho Kang (Ken Jeong) shows up and turns out to be a huge fan of Victoria’s Ladypants commercials. When he finds out that she refuses to do any further commercials, he holds Victoria at gunpoint and ties her to a chair until she agrees to do more commercials. Also visiting is Reverend Boyce (Cedric the Entertainer), who is their to give Chester and Lily their marriage counseling, but he doesn’t stay long… especially when Elka and Mamie express their admiration for Steve Harvey. Joy and Bob attempt to escape through the window, but when they are caught by Chester, Bob claims they are having sex. Melanie attempts to seduce Bob, while Joy tells Lily how much better she can do in an effort to turn them against each other… but all that does is provoke Lily to challenge Chester to shoot Melanie. Victoria manages to escape her bondage by drinking water, which fills her Ladypants and breaks the ropes that hold her, and pulls Kang’s gun on the captors. Mamie and Elka send out smoke signals for help but the only help that shows up is a boy scout (Albert Tsai) who mistakes Victoria for the bad guy and shoots her pants, letting out the water from her pants. Finally Alex Trebek shows up, claiming that he moonlights as a park ranger, and arrests Chester and Lily. 6/1/19
• 082. Surprise! – 4/2/2014
  • FBI Agent Gilmore (Thomas Lennon) administers polygraph tests to each of the four ladies in hopes of finding information about the whereabouts of Emmett following his prison escape. Each of them recaps the events of their lives as Victoria talks about Emmett’s escape, Joy talks about running into her baby-daddy Simon, and Melanie talking about her pregnancy. Elka uses it as an opportunity to document her truthfulness about sleeping with Sinatra, and can seemingly talk about nothing else. Joy conducts her own investigation about Emmett’s whereabouts and tracks down the pair of shoes he was wearing when he escaped, which are on eBay and had been left in a small theater in Newark. Melanie is able to obtain the shoes and finds a message from Emmett in them, indicating that he will soon contact her. Agent Gilmore is dismissed from the case after he becomes to involved in the ladies’ lives and gives Victoria information that they suspect that Emmett will soon contact her. Melanie tells Alec that she is pregnant with his baby, but accidentally does it in front of partygoers at his surprise birthday party, including his new girlfriend Kelly (Jaime Pressly). She is clearly jealous and insists on accompanying them to the office of Dr. Wilcox (Thomas Anthony Jones), who tells her that the pregnancy was a false positive reading brought about a larger problem, which turns out to be a minor brain tumor. Joy is taken aback when she is constantly hit on by men, which Elka explains is from the fact that she no longer reeks of desperation since she has reunited with Simon. However whenever she starts to waver in her confidence, the men all back off. She decides to try and remain confident, but becomes gleeful when he finally does contact her again. Cesili Williams is the waitress. Ryan Culver and Stephen Snedden are two of Joy’s pursuers Darrell and Chuck. NOTE: This is the second part of the fourth season cliffhanger. 2/15/20
• 083. Dr. Who? – 4/9/2014
  • Simon comes to visit and meets his grandson Wilbur (Finn Carr), who is being dressed by Victoria to enter into beauty pageants. Meanwhile Elka goes along with Melanie to search for a doctor to handle her tumor, but Dr. Delacourt (Dimitri Lekkos) proves to be good looking for Melanie’s taste. They continue to look, and Melanie wants Dr. Ira Klein (Jason Kravits), but since he isn’t taking new patients, Melanie joins a Jewish dating site in hopes of hooking up with him.  When they meet, Melanie adopts a Jewish accent. However he catches on quickly and abandons the date. Joy hopes to get Wilbur into Prescott Academy pre-school, so after sleeping with Simon, they head off the interview where they try to make out like the perfect family to the headmistress Mrs. Carson (Angela Kinsey). After mistaking Carson’s assistant Andy (Dan Pfau) for Owen, he meets Owen for the first time during the interview, leading to some tense moments. Victoria then brings in Wilbur, fresh from winning another pageant making the meeting even more awkward. Joy then finally reveals their true history, and Wilbur is ultimately rejected. After the meeting, Owen agrees to give Simon and chance, and Simon and Joy keep their romance going. Melanie agrees to settle on a doctor, which she was having trouble doing since it meant admitting she had a tumor. 2/15/20
• 084. The Undead – 4/16/2004
  • FBI agent Dennis Monroe (Josh Margolin) delivers the news that Emmett plane went down in the mountains of Kafiristan and that he was killed. However Emmett sends Victoria a package with a message hidden in a pair of hiking boots that indicates that he faked his own death and would like for her to join him and do the same. She decides to fake her death by jumping off a bridge because she couldn’t cope with losing Emmett, and then join him in Kafiristan. Melanie calls in a press relief and Elka arranges a memorial service. Meanwhile Simon wants to expose the entire thing to the tabloids for the money, but Joy threatens to leave him if he does. Melanie is dating a guy named Mike (Matt Iseman) who wants her to be the big spoon when they cuddle in bed. Victoria sneaks into her own memorial service and sits next to a mourner (Sarah Taylor). She is paid tribute by Susan Lucci, who steals her Emmy, her former co-star lover/brother Ram Sterling (Laird Macintosh), and a guy named Bill (David Cheaney). Although Elka insults her, she is genuinely moved by the words of Melanie and Joy. Ultimately she decides not to follow Emmett, knowing that the relationship will end. Worried about how to handle the publicity since the world thinks she is dead, her friends tell her that they faked the fake memorial service and told everyone the service was part of a reality show and wouldn’t air until after Victoria died. Melanie finally convinces Mike to let her be the little spoon, but instantly regrets it when he lays on top of her. Simon decides not to cash in on the Emmett Lawson expose, and tells Joy that he wants to quit his job as paparazzi and do more serious journalism on a military story in Sudan. However he will be gone to an undisclosed area for an unknown amount of time. 5/26/20
• 085. Elka Takes a Lover – 4/23/2014
  • Larry Wormser Stone Van Buren Alan The big red carpet premiere of Victoria’s Cleveland Rhapsody is coming up, and she plans to be escorted by her daughter Emmy. Much to her surprise, when Emmy arrives, Victoria finds out that she has married someone named Alan and is pregnant with a little girl she is going to name Melon. Victoria criticizes her choice of her man Alan, a fourth grade teacher and the fact that she’s willing to give up her TV series Cole’s Law – which people frequently pronounce as ‘cole slaw’ – to raise a baby. They bicker about it until Emmy walks out and refuses to attend the premiere. Joy plans to take her boss Bob’s cousin Stone Van Buren, whom she hasn’t yet met… but he is a model and she’s seen his picture. She decides to ask him to be her date for the premiere, but she accidentally texts Melanie’s dentist Larry Wormster (Larry Miller) using Melanie’s phone and asks him out. Larry, who is hopelessly addicted to social media and speaks in hashtags, responds with an enthusiastic yes. When Joy goes to meet Stone before taking him to the premiere, she finds out that there is no Stone, only Bob. He has also brought his parents Paul (Jerry Hauck) and Alice (Peg Shirley), both of whom are deaf and can’t understand Joy when she tries to explain that she’s not interested in Bob. However when she sees how mean they are to Bob, she decides to go along with, even giving him a kiss, and agreeing to take him to the premiere. Elka has inexplicably taken a lover, a strange, flighty, much younger man named Luke (Chris Elliott), and brings him to the premiere. Victoria decides to make amends, but as the group take the limo to the premiere, they begins to argue again when Emmy tells her that she had her Cole’s Law character killed off. She ends up going into labor in limo on the way to the premiere, and Bob ends up delivering the baby on the way. They also determine that Emmy’s husband Alan is actually a former model and the man whom Bob passed off as his cousin Stone when she gave her his picture. Emma explains to Victoria that she wants to be present in Melon’s life and not like Victoria was wit her. They make amends and Victoria tells the driver (Philip Dicker) to skip the premiere as she wants to go to the doctor’s with Emmy. 5/26/20
• 086. Rusty Banks Rides Again – 4/30/2014
  • Victoria is hoping for an Oscar nominations for her role in Cleveland Rhapsody, so she has Joy track down the three Academy members who are living in Cleveland so they can be convinced to nominate her. Melanie is assigned Corey Chambers (Jason Priestley), her high school heartthrob actor. She hopes that he will take her to her high school reunion, but she overdoes it by lying to him about a charity event to get him to meet with her. She winds up getting two restraining orders strapped on her. She also starts to regress to her nerdy high school self, complete with giant glasses, pimples, and a neck brace. Finally Victoria tells Corey that it was all her fault, so Corey agrees to go with her to the reunion. Joy is given young actress Ivy  Johnson (Sarah Hyland), who is in therapy because she has loss her vocal presence due to a lack of confidence. Between the therapist Matt (Richard Ruccolo) and Joy, they help restore her confidence, but Victoria, who is worried she might also be up for an Oscar purposely crushes it again. Eventually Victoria takes pity on her and talks her out of it, also helping to set up Joy with Matt for a date. Victoria and Ivy both wind up in the People magazine Oscar buzz issue. Elka learns that the former actor Rusty Banks is actually the waiter Roy with whom she once dated. When Victoria finds out that he no longer votes with the Academy since he was a child actor who no longer acts, she convinces him to start performing. He winds up dragging Elka into his act and makes her  perform as ‘Prairie Sue’ in his show. The show is a success, but Roy decides it will be his only one, much ot Elka’s relief. Andy Gala is Jerry, who delivers the restraining order to Melanie. 9/9/20
• 087. The One with George Clooney – 5/7/2014
  • The girls attend a police lineup and identify a perpetrator named Doug Wyman (Max Greenfield) to a police officer (Asante Jones). The events flashback to a week earlier when the girls decide to drown their various woes by buying a puppy. They put in an application for the dog and are awaiting a home inspection from the rescue center, but Doug shows up early. He performs his inspection and then gets each of the three women alone and tells them that he is interested in dating them. He goes out individually and sleeps with Melanie, Victoria, and Joy… and then caps each of them off by getting them to use their credit cards to donate to his animal cause. It is not until they discuss it later that they realize that they have been conned. They respond by capturing Doug and putting him in the dog cage. He nearly convinces them that he was worth every penny they spent, but while they are discussing it, he escapes. Meanwhile Elka discovers that Roy is also dating Mamie at the same time as her. They bicker over him for a while, and then agree to let Roy choose who he wants to date so the other can step aside. He claims he can’t decide so he tells them he will let his mother decide. At this point, they decide neither one wants him. The police finally catch up with Doug and arrest him, and the girls identify him in a lineup. The wind up getting the dog and name him George Clooney. They immediately dress him up in every imaginable outfit that Elka has for him. Nathan Frizzell is the waiter. 9/9/20
• 088. Brokeback Elka – 5/14/2014
  • When a waitress (Cesili Williams) rushes Melanie’s order when she mentions that she has to be a radiology appointment for her brain tumor. the ladies all realize they can use the tumor to their advantage. Victoria tweets thoughts and prayers for her in order to sound like a good person. Joy pretends she is upset by the tumor, and winds up getting a date with a radio talk show host at WJVB named Todd “The Bod” Elliot (Tommy Dewey). Melanie decides to see if she can tickets for a sold out Chase Jackson (Chris Isaak) concert. Elka doesn’t take advantage of the tumor, but is thrilled that McDonald’s is bringing back the McRib. Victoria meets someone on her Twitter named Nick Logan, a ranch hand from Wyoming and they hit it off via chat. Todd ends up making fun of Joy’s age and then making her sound like a psycho on the air. When she confronts him about it, his assistant Bro-Man (Shawn Carter Peterson) records her, so Todd starts using her sound bytes on the air. Melanie finds out from her doctor that the radiation has worked and there are no longer any signs of the tumor. This is good news, except for the fact that she told Chase Jackson that it was incurable. He actually comes to see her and deliver the tickets in person, then starts hanging out with her and writes a song for her. Elka reveals to Melanie that she is actually posing as Nick, which she started to get revenge on Victoria for making fun of the McRib. Now she finds that she needs their conversations just as much, and is falling for Victoria herself. Chase does an interview with Todd to talk about the new song he wrote for Melanie, whom he brings on the air with him. Victoria happens to call Todd during this time, and tells him on the air that she threw his motorcycle into his pool. She also mentions Melanie faking the tumor, which angers Chase. Victoria finally picks up on the fact that Elka is Nick, which gets her angry with Elka. However she decides to forgive her and brings her a McRib as a peace offering, and they talk about how much they’ll ‘miss’ Nick. 12/28/20
• 089. Bad George Clooney – 6/4/2014
  • The ladies’ dog George Clooney has been getting into their neighbor Sally’s house, and has been acting depressed, so they bring in the radio show host at WJVB Dr. Deb (Cheri Oteri) who claims to be able to speak to animals. She points out the negativity from the ladies can transfer to the dog. Melanie thinks it may be her since she has recently gotten past her tumor and is not trying to find purpose in life. Victoria thinks it may be here because she hasn’t dated anyone since Emmett. Dr. Deb’s assistant Milo (Eric Allan Kramer) suggests that she try dating a normal guy instead of a Hollywood figure. Melanie gets a job bartending at Stormi’s because she always like giving advice to people. Unfortunately she gives too good of advice because she convinces the customers that they should be elsewhere…and she gives away a bottle of expensive wine to a customer named Derrick (Nick Armstrong) to take home to his wife, so she is let go by the owner Shane (Casey Washington). Joy and Elka try every method they can think of to get along including saying the opposite of what comes to mind, insulting themselves, and betting on who can hold out the longest, which Elka ultimately wins. Victoria meets an average man named Ken (Clint Culp) and brings him home… only to find that he is Sally’s husband. He fortunately makes an escape when Sally comes over to report further damage by George Clooney. All four ladies go on Dr. Deb’s next radio show to give an update on the dog, and they all lie and say that everything is going well. When Dr. Deb agrees that this jives with what George Clooney ‘told’ her, they expose her as a fraud. Melanie encourages Deb to go through veterinarian school, so she quits on the spot. The radio listeners overhear Melanie’s advice and start calling her and asking questions. She is ultimately offered her own radio talk show. Victoria accepts a date offer from Milo, who was trying to hint at that from the beginning. Joy and Elka are back to insulting each other again, as they head out for coffee together. 12/28/20
• 090. Bucket: We’re Going to New York – 6/11/2014
  • Now that Melanie is healthy, she is living life to the fullest with her bucket list which begins with a visit to a nude beach. The ladies all discuss their bucket list items which include Victoria winning an Oscar, Joy trying out for the Rockettes, Elka selling her Polish cleaning polish that she invented, and Melanie being unbridled and pretending her name was Scarlett Deneuve. Victoria also wants to apologize to her Broadway actress friend Maddie Banks (Kirstie Alley) for never giving her a message from a producer that she had an audition for Sophie’s Choice. She calls Maddie, but before she can apologize, Maddie invites her to use her place in New York while she’s out of town. The other ladies believe they can accomplish their bucket items in New York as well. When they arrive, they find that Maddie is still at home, having just broken up with her boyfriend Jason (Mark Valley). Victoria and Maddie decide to throw a party for their old acting teacher Professor Andrew Knoll (W. Cameron Tucker). On the way to the party, Melanie has sex with a man in the elevator. Joy is told she is too old to audition, and Elka accidentally wipes Maddie’s name off her Tony Award while demonstrating her polish to a partygoer (Elaine Mani Lee). When Jason shows up the party, Melanie realizes that she had slept with Maddie’s ex-boyfriend in the elevator. When Knoll shows up, he informs Victoria that he’s on complete vocal rest, so he has to use cue cards all night. Producer Colin Britt (Edward Hibbert), who was the one who left the message about Sophie’s Choice with Victoria, shows up at the party, and Victoria worries that he will spill the beans to Maddie. Joy tries to showcase her dancing talents for the benefit of Rockettes casting director Ron Tisch (Emilio Barelli), but he still says she’s too old. While showing him a kick, she kicks off a shoe that knocks out Maddie. Britt eventually does spill the beans, and Maddie is furious she missed her chance to win an Oscar, but Britt tells her that Meryl Streep had been the first choice all along. He also mentions that Victoria had been up for Jessica Lange’s part in Tootsie… but Maddie had failed to pass on that message. Maddie and Victoria reconcile and they read their old play Eternity’s Rainbow, about two ladies waiting at a bus stop in hell. 4/22/21
• 091. Undercover Lovers – 6/18/2014
  • Joy and her boss Bob stake out a couple named Benny (John Ross Bowie) and Julie (Jamie Denbo) who are suspected of being identity thieves, and they pose as honeymooners John and Natasha Johnson, who are staying in the Pines Motel in the room next to them. They start hanging out with them at the motel, and soon Julie becomes attracted to Bob, so they use that to their advantage so that Bob can download the information off of her computer. In the process, Joy starts to find Bob sweet and funny, and becomes attracted to him. He claims he has a girlfriend in Canada named Joy, but his temptation toward the other Joy gets him to break up with her. However when they kiss, there are very few sparks, since Joy is now no longer unattainable. He ends up calling his girlfriend Joy back and reconciling, then he sells his practice and moves to Canada, leaving Joy questioning her choice in men, now that she’s been dumped by a good one. Meanwhile, Melanie is asked to host a 24-hour marathon on the radio that she calls Askmageddon, but her producers want her to talk more folksy, so she adopts a horrible Southern access. She has Victoria and Elka on as guests. Victoria wants to announce her candidacy for City Council, running against the incumbent Jim Powell (Bill Bellamy), who Elka doesn’t like because he wants to close the city’s dog parks. She is only running so that it can help boost her chances at winning an Oscar. She at first thinks he is an out-of-touch white guy, but the guy she thinks is him is actually Melanie’s new producer Bill Chambers (Matthew J. Cates), and the real Powell is an African-American in a wheelchair. She doesn’t want to go up against him and irritate the Hollywood elite, so she back off. However Elka decides that she, as a Polish immigrant who avoided a Nazi concentration camp, will run against him. Joy calls into Melanie’s show for advice, and Melanie ends up advising her that she might be ready to not always blame the guy, and also open herself up for a relationship with a good guy. Melanie she is  not going to do the folksy accent, and insists on being herself. Bob shows Joy a photo of his agency’s replacement who is a good guy, and Joy is immediately interested in him. 4/22/21
• 092. I Just Met the Man I’m Going to Marry – 6/25/2014
  • Councilman Powell begins a smear campaign against Elka for City Council, so her campaign manager Nate (J.P. Manoux) tries to come up with ways to counter it, and also count the numbers to determine her odds of winning. Victoria agrees to try and get some celebrities to campaign for Elka, if Nate will crunch her numbers to see if she’ll be nominated for the Best Supporting Actress Oscar. Meanwhile, Joy goes to an interview to work under a detective named Mitch (Tim Daly), and immediately falls for him. In fact she leaves a phone message for herself to predict that he’ll be the man she marries. After doing so, it becomes clear that he isn’t interested in her at all… but he quickly takes a liking to Melanie when she shows up at the bar. In order to cover for her message, she tells Melanie that the man she was referring to is Dave. Victoria is asked to go to Hollywood to announce the Oscar nominees, so she agrees, and the ladies all decide to go as well. Dave joins the on the trip so he can be close to Melanie, while Mitch goes to try and get to know Melanie. Joy halfheartedly coaches Mitch, who lacks confidence because he used to 300 pounds heavier that he is now, on how to talk to Melanie, while the chemistry between Joy and Mitch seems obvious. He tells Joy  how easy it is for him to relate to her, since he’s not attracted to her. Victoria winds up sitting next to a passenger named Joel Mandell (Bob Glouberman), who works for Price-Waterhouse, and may very well have the Oscar nominees inside a briefcase he is carrying. Victoria swipes the case and takes it to the restroom, but starts a fire while trying to open it, singes her hair and eyebrows, and gets them all kicked off the plane. They end up having to drive to the ceremony, where Victoria and an actor named Ryan (Byron Field) announce the nominees. Thinking she’ll never get nominated, she badmouths all of the nominees, until she gets to the last one and finds out its her. When the lights go down, Victoria’s dress lights up with a campaign message for Elka. This manages to put her into the lead for City Council. Back home, Joy advises Mitch to try and make Melanie laugh, and he does just that. Victoria gets a call from the Mrs. Ladypants company, who informs her that her contract with them requires that if she goes to the Oscars, she is bound to wear a Mrs. Ladypants absorbent gown. With Victoria having a chance to win an Oscar, Elka pulling ahead in the City Council race, and Melanie and Mitch’s romance to blossom, they toast to everyone getting exactly what they want. The Joy looks at Nate with disdain. Fernando Rivera is the air marshal. 8/17/21
• 093. People Feeding People – 7/2/2014
  • Joy is struggling with the fact that Melanie has been dating Mitch, but one night Melanie comes home and says they broke up. Joy finally tells Melanie that she’s been in love with him since she left the phone message that he was the man she wanted to marry, so Melanie is happy to step aside. Joy rushes over to see Mitch, but he is drunk, and although they nearly kiss, Mitch passes out and can’t even remember that she came over. Meanwhile, Victoria is advised to become the face of charity in order to help her chances at winning the Oscar, while Elka seeks endorsement from the People Feeding People charity. When they find out that the billionaire who runs the charity, Ross Barkley (Chevy Chase), asked Melanie out, they all encourage her to accept the date. Joy is all for it as well, since it will make it appear that Melanie has moved on, so Joy can date Mitch. Melanie has dinner with Ross at the bar, and when he finds out that she hosts the show Ask Melanie, Ross makes a startling confession to her: the he was the sole survivor of a plane crash, and resorted to cannibalism to stay alive. Joy and Mitch watch their conversation from afar, with Joy trying to convince Mitch that she’s crazy about Ross. He then confesses to Melanie that he enjoyed human flesh and that it tasted like whitefish. Melanie then makes her pitches for Victoria and Elka, and Elka seals the deal by implying that she has the information that he likes to eat people… so he agrees to give Elka an endorsement, and allow Victoria to be the spokeswoman for People Feeding People. Mitch deduces that Melanie likes larger guys like Ross, so he vows to put the 300 pounds he once lost back on. Mitch also finds out that Ross was on the plane that crashed and killed one of his good friends. In fact, it is revealed that he was the man who Ross ate. Later, Joy and Mitch go back to his apartment where he expresses his gratitude for her helping him, and also seeing more ways that they are compatible. However instead of pursuing dating, Mitch proposes helping each other find dates to replace the partners they lost. Annie Heller is the waitress Barbara. 8/17/21
• 094. Murder House – 7/2/2014
  • On a stormy night in Cleveland, Melanie has over an old school chum named Rachel (Maggie Wheeler) from Phoenix, who insists on recalling how unpopular she and Melanie were during their school days. They are also expecting Victoria’s return from a Caribbean vacation. Elka is fearful that a woman named Mary, who was murdered in the house, will return and come after her on this very night. The doorbell rings, but it turns out to be Joy’s mother Philipa (Juliet Mills), whose plane was grounded in Cleveland on its way to Hawaii. She brings along her younger lover Daniel (Harry Van Gorkum), with whom Joy insists she once slept, although he claims not to remember. Victoria shows up with a new hippy attitude and has brought along a cross-eyed steel drum player named Chill (Rob Schneider). Her new attitude doesn’t last long when she sees news articles about the Oscars that don’t mention her, and she tries to now figure out how to get rid of Chill. Joy believes that Daniel has an ulterior motive with her mother and wants to break it off with her. When the house loses power, Chill hosts a séance to contact Mary. Victoria pretends to have the spirit of Mary and tells Chill to go home; Melanie does the same to tell Rachel to go home. Chill and Rachel wind up hitting it off themselves. Daniel finally remembers that he did sleep with Joy, but his concern for Philipa impresses Joy, who then changes her tune and wants her mother to be happy. Joy and Daniel agree that since they are different people now, there is no need to rehash the past of ‘different people’. Joy then gives her blessing for her mother and Daniel’s relationship. As the storm nears the end, one final thunder rumble causes human bones to fall from the chimney. Police think that they belong to a burglar who murdered Mary. 2/15/22
• 095. Playmates – 7/9/2014
  • Joy is desperate to get closer to Mitch, Melanie is tired of being so passive and wimpy when the coffee shop keeps getting her name and order wrong, and Victoria can’t decide which scripts to choose for her next project. Meanwhile, Melanie finds an ad on her coffee sleeve for a play that Elka has written, directed, and produced a play called The Devil’s Due. They head off to the matinee performance to find Elka on stage reading reminiscences about her life, which leads to a play starring representations of themselves. Melanie is played by a girl named Jodie (Emily Rutherford) who plays her like a needy girl who self confidence. Victoria is played by Elizabeth (Nora Dunn), who plays her as a failed, self-absorbed actress. Joy is played by a man named Jay Krebs (Steve Valentine), who plays her as a man-starved slut. An attractive woman named Claudia (Morgan Fairchild) plays Elka. The ladies storm out of the play at intermission and tell Elka they are offended. Melanie meets with Jodie, who hates the role because Melanie is so pathetic, and is surprised when she once again gets the wrong order and proves to be just as wimpy as the character. Victoria meets with Elizabeth, who is so in tune with Victoria that the real Victoria decides to change her tune, and instead of choosing a role that might lead to an award, she decides to rip off the covers and just read the material instead to pick her part. Joy meets with Jay and realizes that are exactly like and share the same world view due to bad relationships. Melanie tries to shed the wimpiness by yelling at the barista (Sebastian Tillinger) the next time he gets it wrong… but it causes the manager Shane to fire him, but it gives him a heart attack, which causes a chain reaction of accidents that causes several people to get hurt. Joy begins dating Jay but they are so much alike that they both decide they don’t want to be with themselves. While Joy is figuring out to get rid of him, Jay jumps out the window to escape. Victoria finally picks her next project which seems perfect for her, but finds out that it’s written by a student from Cleveland State for a film studies project. The gals then return to see the rest of the play, which has Elka chastise them for bringing so much craziness to her life… but then ultimately thanking them for all they’ve done. Jimmy Ray Bennett is the play’s real estate agent. Jessica Tyler Brown is the barista’s daughter. 2/15/22
• 096. Auction Heroes – 7/16/2014
  • The ladies are working on Elka’s fundraising events for Elka’s City Council run, including an auction. Victoria is looking forward to meeting the screenwriter J.J. (Dan Lauria) who wrote the college film she’s going to star in. Joy is planning on finally telling Mitch that she is in love with him. And all of the ladies are interested in ridding the house of a cricket who keeps chirping, seemingly on cue. While Joy and Mitch are out to dinner, she gets ready to tell him how she feels, but they are interrupted by Mitch’s dating counselor Baz (Coby Bell), who is trying to help Mitch find his true love. Baz becomes instantly attracted to Joy, so he gives her bad advice on how to woo Mitch. When Mitch sees Joy talking to Baz, he becomes jealous and suddenly realizes he is falling for Joy. Baz then gives him bad advice on how to woo her. Joy and Mitch wind up on a hideous date with Mitch not bathing and pretending to like sports, while Joy talks baby talk and pretends to love astrology. Victoria meets J.J., who is not a typical college-aged student, but rather an older man with seemingly no fashion sense. Victoria becomes strangely attracted to him, but lies about being able to play piano for the role. In order to try and cover it up, she buys a player piano, but he quickly finds out about it. J.J. is serious about her learning to play the piano, and insists that she practice in order to get the part in his film. On the night of Elka’s auction, the girls are surprised that there only seem to be men there, and are even more surprised when they realize that Elka is auctioning them off to the men. Melanie is purchased by a bug-loving nerd named Hugh (Billy Stevenson) who lives with his mother. Baz attempts to buy Joy, but then Mitch shows up and outbids him, telling them that he knows that Baz gave them both bad advice because he wanted Joy for himself, and then declaring his love for her. J.J. surprised Victoria by purchasing her, but mostly because he wants her to use the time to practice piano… but agrees that they can go to dinner together as well. Mitch and Joy finally share a passionate kiss on their date. Hugh finds the cricket in Melanie’s shower and wants to know if he can keep, to which she is delighted to give him permission. 6/23/22
• 097. Straight Outta Cleveland – 7/23/2014
  • Joy and Mitch have begun their relationship with a bang, but have to head out on a job where Joy is used as a ‘honey trap’ for a cheating husband. Mitch admits that he doesn’t care for watching Joy with other men, so Melanie volunteers to take over as the bait. Meanwhile, Victoria is expecting a visit from her son Tony (Chris Colfer) she often forgets about since he lives with his father. When he arrives, he brings along his partner Justin (Sam Daly). However, when Victoria is out of the room, Tony tells the other ladies that he is not gay, and that Justin is actually his business party and that they’ve come to seek Victoria’s investment in a new app. Justin is okay with going along if it will help get the money. Still, Tony tries to find a way to break the news to his mother. Mitch and Joy steak out the bar, where Melanie meets a married man named Tyler (Lance Barber). Instead of seducing him, she winds up talking about his wife and kids, and sends him home to see them. Listening to Tyler talk about his former marriage counselor, and how he might have saved the marriage if they’d learned to deal with the problems before they happened, Mitch and Joy decide to see a counselor as well in order to see if there any potential issues. They meet with Dr. McNally (Dan Castellaneta), who gives them a compatibility test, which indicates they have nothing in common. When Tony attempt to tell his mother that he is straight, she winds up thinking that Tony and Justin are getting married. When Victoria offers them matching Porsches, Justin is particularly excited. Melanie has another meeting with Tyler, and this time he decides to go home to work on his marriage, causing Joy to fire her from being the ‘honey trap.’ Melanie tries to clue Victoria in about Tony, and she mistakes her for a homophobe. Joy thinks that Mitch might be losing interest in their relationship, so she puts truth serum in her coffee… and then admits it, because Mitch has put the same serum in her coffee. When they tell the doctor that they did this, the doctor suggests that they shouldn’t be together. The gals take Tony and Justin out for dinner and toasts their marriage. When she gives a toast, the crowd demands to see the guys kiss. Justin is so thrilled about the Porshe that he’s ready to do it, but Tony finally admits that he’s not gay. He and his mother have a heart-to-heart talk, and he admits that he went to live with his father because his father needed him more. He says he didn’t call her because it would make him want to come live with her. Joy and Mitch break into the doctor’s office to dig up dirt on him, and they find that their compatibility test came from Buzzfeed. The doc comes in and catches them in the act. He threatens to call the police, but they tell him they’ll expose how he got his quizzes, so he tells them to lock up when they leave. Dominic Flores is the pub patron who is okay with gay marriage. 10/14/22
• 098. The Animated Episode – 7/30/2014
  • The gals realize it’s been exactly four years since they crash landed in Cleveland. They want to celebrate with Elka, so they head out to her house where they find that she, George Clooney the dog (Dee Bradley Baker), and everything inside is animated. When she finally lets them in, they become animated too due to her house being built over a portal to another universe. They decide to go for an animated drive through Cleveland and wind up at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. There they find and release Aerosmith singer Steven Tyler (himself) locked in the trunk of Janis Joplin’s Volkswagen. When they let him out, he grants them three wishes. Everyone but Elka chooses to have eternal youth and beauty, so he sends them to Paris and gives them Golden Wonka tickets. Quasimodo (Jim Meskimen) shows up and takes them to the Institute of Eternal Youth and Beauty, which is suspiciously similar to Willy Wonka’s chocolate factory, and Elka is now Wilhemina Wonka and sings the song The Beauty Man to the tune of The Candyman. Inside they sing about the World of Pure Rejuvenation. As they tour the facility, they meet the identical Mamie Sues, and Joy sneaks off into the Inflatorator, an experimental device that pumps her boobs and butt until she starts floating. Victoria steals an Ever-Younger Stopgobber. Melanie enters a Modelizer, which makes her look like a teen model, but makes her unbearably stupid. Victoria takes some of her Stopgobbers, but since she takes too many, she turns into a baby. They all realize their wish has backfired, so they call out to go back to Steven Tyler. This time they ask to be made attractive to men, so that they are all hungry and drooling over them. When they return home, they find they are in the midst of a zombie apocalypse. Mamie Sue is the first victim and turns into a zombie herself, so they have to put her in a cage. They decide to take the leftover zombie parts and build new men in the lab that Elka has hidden under the house. They attempt to build four perfect men: George Clooney (Dee Bradley Baker), Robert Redford (Jim Meskimen), David Beckham (Brian T. Delaney), and Abraham Lincoln (Chris Edgerly). Since they are programmed to fall in love with the person they see, they all fall in love with each other. They de-animate and re-animate with them, and find they are the perfect men after all. They have a very happy two weeks together, but then the men start irritating them. When the guys form a garage band, they decide to release Mamie to eat them all. They return to Steven Tyler and Elka wishes that LeBron James (Cedric Yarbrough) had never left Cleveland. When this comes true, Cleveland has now transformed into a futuristic mecca now full of beautiful women just like it is in Los Angeles, so much so that the girls aren’t pretty enough to get past the bouncer (Barry Wiggins) at their regular bar. They realize that the wish has ruined Cleveland for them, so they head to talk to LeBron in the Emerald mansion, where his giant face is just smoke and mirrors ala The Wizard of Oz. Once they find him behind the curtain, they convince him to leave Cleveland so it will return to the way it was. When he heads to Okinawa, the town falls apart, and everyone knows the ladies are responsible and everyone begins to attack them. Steven Tyler brings them back to the Hall of Fame and tells them that as hot as they are, they’d be the least hot women he’s ever slept with. Elka snaps her fingers, and the ladies return in their human form to their home dining room. Elka encourages the ladies – and the audience – to forget what they just saw, or it will drive them crazy. David Kaye is the narrator. Vanessa Marshall is the lady in the street going after the gals, billed as ‘boy scout’. 10/14/2022
• 099. Strange Bedfellows – 8/6/2014
  • Elka prepares for a debate with Councilman Powell with Melanie acting has her coach and trying to dissuade Elka from drinking during the debate. She is also concerned that Elka has taken to talking to an imaginary camera after binge watching House of Cards. Meanwhile, Victoria is upset that J.J. doesn’t seem to be able to be alone with her without inviting other people to join them for dinner, even strangers in restaurants. She tries to circumvent this by putting RESERVED signs on all of the surrounding tables, but J.J. just winds up inviting the owner Shane to join them. Finally, they talk, and J.J. admits that he is nervous since he hasn’t been with anyone since his late wife Connie. Victoria dubs him a one-gin since he’s never been with another woman. While Melanie is making arrangements to hold the debate at the Stormi’s, she runs into Donald, the pompous professor she once dated. Once he corrects her on her English several times, she remembers why they broke up, but this doesn’t stop her from sleeping with him. After they are finished, Donald admits that he is coaching Councilman Powell. While J.J. is too nervous to sleep with Victoria, Melanie keeps sleeping with Donald. He is hesitant to allow Joy to be the moderator… until he sees how badly Elka and Joy fight. During the debate, J.J. and Victoria sneak out and finally sleep together. Melanie catches Donald feeding Powell his lines from the other room at the bar, so she seduces and distracts him. Elka challenges Powell to drinking shots during the debate, and he gets so drunk he doesn’t know what he is saying. His Aunt, Esther Jean Johnson (Queen Latifah) steps in on his behalf, but she and Elka soon find that they not only get along, but when she learns that Elka is trying to stop the closure of the dog park, she endorses her. 2/15/23
• 100. The Italian Job – 8/13/2014
  • As J.J. looks for actors to play him in his movie, he starts to get jealous when Victoria has to kiss another actor named Ken (Robert Merrill). He decides to eliminate all kissing from the script. He admits to Victoria that he is falling for her and decides to take the next step in their relationship and invites her to come to his house and meet his children Lisa (Anita Barone), James (Gabriel Tigerman), and Jessica (Nicole Parker), and his grandson Anthony (Jet Jurgensmeyer). They are very kind to her, but when she sits at the table in their mother’s old chair, they all burst out crying. Melanie’s boss Tom (Andrew Leeds) sets up a meeting between her and shock sports jock named Frankie (Will Sasso), who is a sexist loudmouth who goes to strip clubs five nights a week. Tom thinks they will have a great chemistry on the air through their bickering and asks her to co-host a show with him called He Said, She Said. Joy and Elka both fail the examination in their college course, and Elka fears she may lose her lacrosse scholarship, so they solicit their professor to let them do a make-up exam. While Melanie and Frankie are on the air fighting, Melanie mentions that Frankie goes to strip clubs daily, causing his girlfriend to kick him out. Frankie shows up at the house and tells Melanie and the ladies that he is moving in until he finds another place. Much to everyone’s surprise, Frankie gives good advice to everyone about their problems. He suggests that Victoria invites J.J. and his kids to come to their place where he offers to cook for them. He tells Joy and Elka to tell the professor what he wants to hear, and he’ll allow them to re-take the test. However, when J.J. and the kids come to the house, they see Victoria dressed as Connie for her movie role. The kids, and especially J.J., are taken aback and become emotional because she looks so much like her. Victoria realizes that J.J. is still in love with his late wife, so they decide to put their relationship on hold for a while. Joy and Elka both pass their test. Joy is excitied to get her college degree, and Elka is excited that she can play Lacrosse after all. Frankie tells the ladies, it has helped him be a better person, and he plans to go home and tells his girlfriend he won’t go to any more strip clubs… even if he doesn’t mean it.  2/16/23
• 101. Mystery Date: Oscar Edition – 8/20/2014
  • With the Oscars coming up, Victoria chooses Elka to be her speechwriter and then has to decide whether to take Melanie or Joy as her plus-one. Both women are vying to be chose, so they both set out to convince Victoria who is really her best friend. Melanie drives to Chicago, and Joy drives to New York to get a gift for Victoria. Then when Victoria gets 100 hours of community service for not maintaining her adopted highway, Victoria and Joy step in to take over the nasty jobs of cleaning port-a-potties and working in a morgue. Joy and Melanie both volunteer to be the guinea pig for Dr. Rayner (Andrew Friedman) to test Victoria’s cheek injections, causing Joy to wind up with an Adam’s apple. Victoria gets a letter from Mrs. Ladypants that forces her to wear their new gown with crystal litter technology, but with the caveat that if the dress is seen in public before the Oscars, she cannot wear it. Melanie volunteers to wear it in public, and winds up having to use it to absorb a water main leak. With the bickering between Melanie and Joy, Victoria decides to go get a steam Daniela’s Spa, and Melanie and Joy run out to tag along. Melanie tells the receptionist Teddy (Perez Hilton) that Joy is a transvestite stalker. Because of her Adam’s apple, she has to convince Teddy that she is really a woman. Melanie convinces Victoria that she should be the guest, but when Joy finally gets into the steam room, they begin fighting over who is Victoria’s best friend is. They both realize that they’ve done so many disgusting things for Victoria, they decide to form an alliance against Victoria. This quickly changes when Victoria gets invited to Elton John’s afterparty. Later, Victoria apologizes to both of them for making them compete for the invitation, then she starts to read the speech that Elka wrote. However, she stops midway and tells her that she’s rather speak from the heart and gives a heartfelt speech about her friendship with both Melanie and Joy. They both realize that shouldn’t have made Victoria choose who to take, and they suggest that she take Elka to the Oscars. When Melanie and Joy leave the room to get some celebratory champagne, Victoria tells Elka that her plan worked like a charm. The girls are suspicious when a brand new dress arrive at the house a minute later. Justin O’Connor is the voice of the janitor dealing with the water main leak. 7/23/23
• 102. Win Win – 8/27/2014
  • With Elka’s election to City Council election coming up, she is forced to give up her spot as Victoria’s guest to the Oscars, leading to a coin toss that Joy wins. Joy keeps running through the scenario where Helen Mirren wins the Oscar, but Victoria can’t stop cursing when she hears the ‘announcement’. Melanie’s station’s marketing campaign includes photos of her on billboards that have been Photoshopped to make her look ultra skinny. When she finds out that she is being made fun of on the website Photoshop Flop, she decides to go on a diet to get to the weight portrayed. However, when her mother Loretta (Debra Monk) shows up to comfort her after seeing the website, it becomes increasing difficult to diet with her mother trying to feed her. When she blames her for her interference, Loretta storms out. When Victoria finds out that Charlize Theron is wearing the same dress as she bought for the Oscars, Victoria decides to pretend she just donated a kidney and needs to watch the Oscars from home ala Joan Crawford, with a live camera set up for an acceptance speech if she wins. Joy is disappointed to miss the Oscars, but plans to be on camera with Victoria by playing the role of her nurse. Elka’s campaign against Councilman Powell starts to get dirty as each of them begin bribing voters to vote for them. Powell holds a Get Out the Vote rally in Port Lee, so Elka causes a major traffic jam on the bridge to get there. When The Cleveland Plain Dealer calls to accuse her of causing it, Elka blames Mamie Sue, who storms out for being thrown under the bus. Victoria and Joy set up her room and the camera, but Victoria gets stung on the inner cheek by a bee, sets her hair on fire, and spills red wine all over her white gown. By the time Joy covers the bee sting with makeup, put her in a turban, and turns around her jacket, she looks like a crazy person in a straitjacket. Elka finds out she has won the City Council election, but starts to feel guilty about Mamie Sue. A drunken Melanie likewise feels terrible about her mother, all of which is compounded by the speech of a Sound Editor (voice of John Colella). When the Oscar for Best Supporting Actress is announced, Victoria hears Helen Mirren’s name and yells out her expletive on camera, but it is then announced that she has also won in a tie. Joy tries to reveal her sequined dress under the nurse’s uniform and winds up flashing the camera. George Cloone then begins humping Victoria’s leg. Melanie enters the room and apologizes her mother and blasts Hollywood for creating such impossible standards for women. Elka also comes in and apologies to Mamie Sue on camera. Both Mamie Sue and Loretta see the Oscars broadcast and return to the ladies’ house where they reconcile with Elka and Melanie. Mac Brandt is Mac, the guy Elka tries to bribe. 7/23/23
• 103. Don Elka – 9/3/2014
  • With Elka’s win as City Councilwoman, everyone starts treating her like a mafia godfather, and she starts behaving like one. Meanwhile, Victoria buys a water gun shaped like a fake Oscar in order to find a place to put the real one when it comes. Joy’s relationship with Mitch is going great, but when he leaves town for a few days, Victoria gets a message from Simon that he wants to video chat with her. She tells him during the chat that she is in a relationship with Mitch, but the computer screen freezes, and she can’t figure out what his reaction is. Melanie gets a speeding ticket and tries to bribe the female officer to get rid of the ticket with the promise that Elka will get her a promotion. Joy keeps staring at the tablet with Mitch on it for a couple of days, not knowing if she still has feelings for him. Her friends lament that she can’t get Simon off her mind, but then he shows up and says he wants to keep tabs on her without her knowing that he is in town. Mamie suggests that he disguise himself as Mrs. Doubtfire, but he doesn’t care for that idea. Joy goes to see a priest to look for guidance, so she enters the confessional booth, where Simon is posing as the priest. He tries to direct her back to ‘Simon’ but never reveals who he is. He later shows up sitting behind Victoria and Melanie’s booth at Stormi’s, and then after updating them, he poses as Hans the massage therapist where Joy goes in for a massage. Melanie starts to worry when Elka finds out that someone has used her name to get out of a ticket. When Wilbur’s nanny quits, Joy decides to hire an older nanny, so Simon does in fact pose as a Mrs. Doubtfire-type character named Elspeth McCracken. Elka and Mamie Sue attempt to catch her bosoms on fire like Mrs. Doubtfire, but he says that they are made of popcorn kernals and bird feed. Instead of catching on fire, they start to pop into popcorn. Then when he leaves, the birds start to chase him. Elka gets a slap on the wrist from the Mayor, and then she tells Melanie that she knows it was her, and as a sign of forgiveness, Mamie will be taking her on a boat ride. Joy gets word that Mitch is coming home early because he misses her. She wonders why she even considered Mitch, since he always leaves. Still, she can’t stop wondering if he is still thinking of her. Victoria finally gets her Oscar delivery, but it turns out to be a statue of a Buddah. Elsewhere, a Japanese couple Hiro (Brian Takahashi) and Akiko (Emi Hatanaka) receive the Oscar and recognize the name Victoria Chase as Mrs. Ladypants. 11/23/23
• 104. The Bachelors – 9/10/2014
  • Joy speaks with Chris Harrison (himself), host of TV’s reality series The Bachelor, as he follows the events that take place as the girls once again celebrate all of their birthdays by setting each other up on blind dates. Elka is going to meet up with her first love whom she left behind in Poland seventy years earlier. Victoria doesn’t want romance, just beauty. Melanie is going to go out with one of her radio callers, whom she had recommended see a therapist after he had called looking for advice on his shyness with women. Joy simply wants to meet up with Mitch, with whom she is in love and is in love with her. Melanie’s date with Brian (Stephen Root) seems to be going well, especially after she finds out that he is a brilliant rocket scientist… until they are joined by a woman named Marcie (Romy Rosemont), who turns out to be his sex surrogate who has been preparing him for sex with Melanie. Elka’s first love Stan shows up and, much to her surprise, is now a woman named Olga (Marion Ross). Victoria goes out with a model named Trevor (Luke Perry), who is perfect in every way, but was most attracted to Victoria because he read that she donated a kidney. Inspired by such a service to fellow man, Trevor is helping his brother recover from a car accident during which his nose was irreparable damaged, by harvesting a nose on his own forehead. He also has an ear growing out of the other side of his forehead. Mitch and Joy dine together, and Mitch gets ready to propose to her, but before he can get the words out, Simon shows up and proposes to her as well. As the women all meet in the restroom and discuss their horrible dates, Bob shows up in the restroom and also proposes to Joy. Melanie returns to her date and finds him making out with Marcie, then confessing to Melanie that he is in love with Marcie. Joy’s three men try and make their cases to be her husband. Joy has one-on-one sessions with each man, while the other two circle the bar and meet the other dates. Brian ends up telling Marcie how he feels and they begin their own relationship. Mitch and Bob intrude on Joy’s conversation with Simon, and all three men wind up in fight, and accidentally all punching Joy in the face. She winds up in the hospital, where Chris Ferguson stands above her asking her who she is going to choose. She then realizes that she’s been hallucinating, and he is actually a hospital nurse (Kim Yarbrough). Elka offers to be Simon’s backup in she is turned down. Melanie tells Bob that she’d be willing to go out with him, but he declines the offer. Elka says she enjoyed seeing Stan but thought that she might meet someone special that night. Max then walks around the corner and sees Elka. He says he had a question for her but forgets what it was. When the nurse comes out, they ask her if she said who she is going to choose to marry, but the nurse said she’s in no condition to be making life decisions. Elka then says that everyone is just going to have to wait. NOTE: This episode is to be continued. 11/23/23

SEASON 6

• 105. Comfort and Joy – 11/5/2014
  • Victoria announces that she is flying to New York to star in a movie with Brad Pitt that Helen Mirren passed on and offered to her. Meanwhile, Joy returns home and reveals to everyone that she plans to marry Simon. Elka announces at the council meeting that she has plans to bring 1000 jobs to Cleveland, so she wants to get out of town and go with Victoria to New York. Joy plans to tell Mitch and Bob that she is declining their proposals before she accepts the one from Simon. Mitch is already aware because he has had their house bugged and installed cameras, and now hates her with a passion. Melanie agrees to tell Bob the news for her, but when she does, she feels sorry for him and sleeps with him. Bob makes it sound as if he slept with her out of pity, and now realizes he is truly in love with Joy and won’t give up on her. When Joy shows up to tells Simon the good news, she finds out that he already has a wife named Yesenia (Karishma Ahluwalia), whom he married in order for her to get out of a dangerous company in which the rebels were taking over. Joy wants no part of this, but then Simon agrees to get a divorce from Yesenia. As Victoria works on her new sci-fi film, she finds out that most of the film is using CGI which enables Brad Pitt to act his part from across the country. Victoria is dressed in all green and has to simulate kissing Brad Pitt by kissing a tennis ball held by a fat slob named Vern. The director Peter (Tom Parker) also shows her what her CGI rendered character look like and it is monstrous. Victoria decides to quit the job. Elka meets a guy named Heath (Connor Barrett) on the set who offers her a cupcake sent by Film New York, a city film commission company that brings jobs to the city for the purpose of making films. Elka gets an idea to start up Film Cleveland to brings the jobs she promised to the city. Victoria finds out that Helen Mirren took her HBO series filming in London, so she decides to seek out advice from her nemesis Susan Lucci. As Joy and Simon are planning their future, Yesenia shows up and tells Simon that her father has been arrested and she needs to return home, but needs her husband present to travel. Joy insists that he go off to help her, realizing that this will again nix their plans to be together. They say their goodbyes, kiss, and part ways. Bob shows up to tell Joy that he slept with Melanie but is re-committing himself to her. Although Joy tells him that she is not interested, he invites Joy back to work, as he has bought the detective agency back from Mitch. Victoria has Helen Mirren pushed off a bridge into the Thames River in London, causing her to opt out of the HBO series. However, Susan Lucci is there to rescue her and is given a role in Helen Mirren’s next film, a blockbuster directed by Martin Scorsese. Craig Robert Young is the news announcer. 3/29/24
• 106. Fear and Loathing in Los Angeles – 11/12/2014
  • After Stormi’s owner Shane announces that they’ve named a drink after Victoria, she announces she is anxious to head to Los Angeles to film her new series Malibu with director Zed Simms (Timm Sharp). Joy, Melanie, and Elka all decide to go along with Victoria since she is being put up in a large Malibu beach house. Once they arrive, Simms shows up unexpectedly out of the ocean to meet Victoria, and immediately decides she isn’t right for the role in the show. Victoria wants another chance to make in impression on Simms, so she had Joy hack into the computers at the trendy Malibu restaurant CHEM1STRY to find out that Simms will be there and to book them reservations. Once they arrive, Victoria realizes that Simms is in a roped-off private area and cannot get past the security guard Jax (Dio Chaz Johnson). Elka spots actor Mario Lopez (himself) and tries to convince him to film his show Extra in Cleveland. Joy spots famous L.A. detective Gregory Pellegrino (Steven M. Gagnon) and tries to talk him giving her a job. She thinks she can help with the massive numbers of infidelity cases that he sees by flirting with men. He thinks she is too old, but she tries to show him on two separate guys named John (Alan Pietruszewski) and Brian (Ryan Caltagirone) and ultimately fails. Melanie wants to believe that she is still relevant and attractive in Los Angeles, and when she meets a young man named Cooper (Andrew J. West), who wants to kiss her, she thinks she just might be. However, it turns out that Cooper is in a fraternity scavenger hunt to get a selfie of himself kissing a H.O.G. – hot older girl. Melanie shuts him down, but after Joy is denied a job by Pellegrino, she is still happy when Cooper give her that kiss and takes a selfie. Victoria finally gets into the private area by dressing as a waitress and asks Simms why he rejected her. He tells her that she isn’t hot enough for his vision of Malibu, but Elka intervenes and dares him to make the series in Cleveland, which piques his interest, and agrees that Victoria could play the part of woman slapped around by life but is beautiful in Cleveland. Elka is then ready to go back home, but Victoria says nothing could get her out of this hot L.A. VIP lounge… until an earthquake hits and causes her to fall through the floor and land on Melanie and Joy’s table. Shane renames Victoria’s drink after Elka since she has now brought the HBO film crew to Cleveland. The ladies all express their affection for Cleveland and compare L.A. to a bad boy husband. Kalpana Pot is the waitress. 3/30/24
• 107. Bossy Cups – 11/19/2014
  • While hanging out at Stormi’s, Elka is disappointed that her dimples fail to catch the attention of a silver fox named Jim (Robert Wagner). Melanie notices the new coffee cup sleeves with inspirational messages and takes her to heart: “freedom comes from self-reliance” f. Melanie mentions this on her radio show He Said, She Said with Frankie, and he makes fun of her when she says she is going to put shelving in her closet. They make arrangements for him to come check out her work so that they can talk about it on the air. Victoria’s cup also rings true when it says “Make your brilliance known” because a sponsor is building a lifestyle website around her. It will film her daily activities, and they want to use Joy as her sidekick. Elka’s says “perseverance is the soul of success,” which inspires her to make her move with Jim. When Frankie comes over to check out the shelf, it collapses before he can even get up to the room. He agrees to patch up the wall and fix the shelf for $100. After he completes the work, they wind up getting locked in the closet. As they chat with each other, they share a moment and nearly kiss… until Melanie sneezes in his face and causes him to fall backward through the door. They agree to forget about it, but once they return to the air, they are too nice to each other. They then get into an argument off the air as to who tries to kiss her, and their friction returns so that they can continue to bicker on the air. Joy is excited for her role as Victoria’s friend, but the web developer Fred (Ty Mayberry) brings on another British actress named Olivia (Nichola Fynn) to be the “new Joy.” Victoria starts hanging out with Olivia and doing all of the activities that Victoria and Joy had planned. Joy becomes more than irritated about this, so Victoria finally tells Joy that she quit the show since it was upsetting her friend. She later confesses to Elka that she got fired when Olivia’s character started to take off and surpass hers. Elka finally manages to get the attention of Jim, who proves to be devastatingly boring. He also wears ultra-thick glasses that make him look ridiculous. Elka keeps stealing his glasses so he is forced to be nearly blind. Finally, he pulls out some prescription shades that make him look cool. Sweetening the pot eve more, he is going to have some dental surgery and won’t be able to talk for a few days. 8/27/24 
• 108. Naked and Afraid – 11/26/2014
  • Melanie has a crush on their new neighbor Jack (Rhys Darby), who just moved to Cleveland from New Zealand, but she is concerned because she thinks he saw her through the window dancing to Dancing Queen. Joy, on the other hand, has a crush on Jack’s contractor Dylan (Bryce Johnson). Victoria is working on her new HBO TV series directed by Zed Simms but has no idea what it is about and is struggling with how to play the role. Elka wants to be the president of the City Council so that she can get her zoo funding and road repair agenda pushed through, so she asks the girls to help her throw a party so that she can invite Councilman Louis Stoke (Tyler Poelle) and sway him to vote for her. Victoria thinks that this would be a good time to invite Zed and find out what his show is really about. Likewise, Melanie thinks it would be a good chance to find out if Jack saw her naked. Joy goes over to invite him to the party and ends up sleeping with Dylan. However, she makes it clear she only wants a one-night stand. After having her heart broken so many times, she is happy with the mindless sex, so she joins the dating app, Cinder. Tyler asks Jack to give Joy an invitation to a show where he’s playing sax, and Jack tells him that he saw him and Joy having sex through the window and was quite disturbed by it. When Joy asks Jack about what he saw through the window, he assumes she is asking about her and Tyler and tells her that it was quite weird. Meanwhile, Victoria finds out that Ben Kingsley got fired from Zed’s series for asking too many questions. She is then afraid to ask about the show, so she tells him that Melanie is attracted to him and wants to ask him some questions. She winds up asking him why a man would find her ‘weird’ if she was naked. He suggests it might be the lighting, so Melanie asks if he will help her find the right light, which makes him think she wants to have sex. Elka tries to find a date for Councilman Stoke, but since he is so old-fashioned, Elka asks Joy to pretend to be old-fashioned herself. However, the truth comes out when Tyler comes over and asks her why she only wanted sex from him. Melanie finds out that Jack had actually only seen Joy and Tyler, and not her, through the window. He also admits that he wanted to ask her out for coffee. She is thrilled, but Zed is offended that he thought he was going to hook up with her. Jack tells him that his shows are terrible and make no sense. Zed asks Victoria to back him up that his story is straightforward, but she admits she has no idea either. She guesses that her character is a ghost who goes back in time to solve her own murder, which isn’t even close. However, when Zed tries to explain the plot, he seems to like her idea even more. Joy has a talk with Stoke and tells him that she really is old-fashioned and had just been acting differently lately because of being heartbroken. He agrees that once you reach a certain age, you give up, but Joy points out that Elka never uses her age as an excuse. This wins him over to voting for Elka. Jack gives Melanie an old fashioned kiss when he says goodnight, but he isn’t impressed by her attempt at doing a New Zealand accent. 8/27/24

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