The Terrible Catsafterme

SEASON 1 – CBS

Theme music: “The Love Nest” (from the musical comedy “Mary”) by Louis A. Hirsch

NOTE: This series is a continuation of the radio show “The Burns and Allen Show” which aired between 1936-1950. This was preceded by their show “The Adventures of Gracie” which aired 1934-1936, and the team’s appearances on “The Guy Lombardo Show” between 1932-1934 and Rudy Vallee’s “The Fleischmann’s Yeast Hour” in 1932.

• 000. Pilot – UNAIRED
  • George Burns does a monologue about being a straight man, then he introduces his wife Gracie Allen, their neighbors Harry and Blanche Morton, and Bill Goodwin, the world’s most loved announcer (as he kisses two girls and a cop). Gracie is visited by a salesman selling encyclopedias, and in addition to nearly driving him crazy with her banter, she keeps smashing his hat. George introduces the singing act who perform Do the Huckabuck, and then attempts a duet of the song April Showers. Gracie visits Blanche and the two decide to take the husbands to see the new Gregory Peck movie, but Harry doesn’t want to go with Gracie because she often embarrasses him. George reminds Harry that he has two tickets to the fights so they need to get out of going to a movie. He asks Bill to take the wives, but Bill is shaken up by near plane mishap where he radios for help but can’t help but talking about ‘Dr. Wilson’s toothpaste.’ George and Harry then tell the wives that they have been invited to Bill’s house to play cards. In order to keep them from wanting to join them, they invent a game called Kleebob, which has rules that are indecipherable, hoping that it will discourage them from joining. However, Gracie seems to understand the game since George has tried the same ploy before with a game called ‘Mogo’. 8/24/14 (online)

• 001. The Kleebob Card Game – 10/12/1950
  • George Burns (himself) introduces his wife Gracie Allen (herself), and their neighbors Harry (Hal March) and Blanche Morton (Bea Benaderet). He addresses the audience explaining his status as a straight man, introduces the Skylarks, who perform Smile a While, and attempts to join their group as they sing April Showers. He also introduces a skit in which a book salesman (Henry Jones) attempts to sell Gracie encylopedias. The plot revolves around George and Harry attempting to avoid taking their wives to the new Gregory Peck movie so they can go to the ball game. He first tries to get the show’s announcer Bill Goodwin (himself) to take them to a movie – but he can’t stop talking about the show’s sponsor Carnation. George and Harry then tell the wives that they have been invited to a friend’s house to play cards. In order to keep them from wanting to join them, they invent a game called Kleebob, which has rules that are indecipherable, hoping that it will discourage them from joining. However, Gracie seems to understand the game since George has tried the same ploy before. 5/18/13
    
• 002. Gracie the Artist – 10/26/1950
  • George addresses the audience and reflects on the first episode, sharing the advice given to him by Jack Benny and Fred Allen. Gracie visits an art exhibition and upon learning from the curator (Truman Smith) how much the masterpieces are selling for, decides to become an artist. A deliveryman (Billy M. Green) delivers paint and a weasel to get her started. George introduces a dance by Bob Fosse and Mary Ann Niles, and then George and Gracie re-live their Vaudeville days doing a soft shoe and telling jokes. Gracie continues with her painting by offering to paint Bill Goodwin, but he is too busy heading to the Carnation plant to tend to one of the cows that isn’t ‘contented.’ She ends up painting George, but he  and the Mortons think that it looks like a Yellow Cab with its doors open. 1/1/2014 (online)
• 003. The Property Tax Assessor – 11/9/1950
  • George addresses the audience and tells how he met Gracie when he was in Vaudeville, and then checks in on Gracie as she befuddles a visiting tax assessor (Bob Sweeney). Meanwhile Harry and Blanche discuss his football days. He also wants to attend a football game but does not want to sit by Gracie. George introduces Ellen Hanley who sings New Sun in the Sky. Gracie takes the car out and when she gets home notices a dent in the fender, so calls Bill to stop by and borrow the car and have it fixed. Bill gets off on a tangent about making pumpkin pie with Carnation Milk, and George won’t let him borrow the car. All ends well when George reveals that he dented the car earlier that morning. Gracie gets so angry at George that she insists that she’ll sit next to Harry at the game. Marilyn Clark is Miss Jones. 5/26/13
• 004. Harry Morton’s Private Secretary – 11/23/1950
  • George addresses the audience and talks about his former Vaudeville partners, including one who stuttered. Blanche is livid that Harry is staying at work late with his new secretary, until she finds out that the secretary is actually an old male friend of Harry’s named Jim Benson (himself). He invites Jim to have dinner with the Burnses to prove it. George introduces tap dancer Harrison Muller, then dances with him and Bob Fosse. A student named Geraldine Bojus (Camilla DeWitt) shows up to interview George about his career, but the interview is constantly interrupted, mostly by Bill Goodwin who espouses the benefits of Carnation Milk. Gracie momentarily confuses Geraldine for Harry’s secretary, but then invites her to dinner. For entertainment, Gracie attempts a card trick and George attempts to sing, but the group leaves the room. 12/27/13
• 005. Gracie’s Checking Account – 12/7/1950
  • George addresses the audience and struggles to come up with something sensible that Gracie has done. Mr. Vanderlip the banker (Stanley Tackney) stops by and pleads with George to force Gracie to close her checking account because she is misusing her checks by writing recipes and songs lyrics on them. Meanwhile a police officer (Bert Thorn)  tries to give Gracie a speeding ticket but she drives him crazy and he just leaves. George then buys Gracie flowers to soften the blow of having her close the account, and Bill Goodwin offers to try and convince her as well but ends up only talking about Carnation Milk. In the end, Gracie decides to close the account on her own because she feels that the bank is a dishonest racket considering that she puts in at one window and then someone else is taking money out of another. 12/27/13
• 006. Gracie’s Christmas – 12/21/1950
  • Unavailable for viewing
• 007. Rumba Lessons – 12/28/1950
  • After George gives a monologue discussing psychiatry, Gracie and Blanche discuss a party they are going to attend. They are tired of being wallflowers since neither George nor Harry can dance, so they arrange Rumba lessons for them. They both balk, pretending that they have old football injuries. When an attractive woman shows up, the injuries seem to go away – but when she turns out to be the assistant and a man is the actual teacher, the injuries return. In the end, the lessons begin. Bill Goodwin then tells us how to make pudding with Carnation instant milk. 1/5/14
• 008. Happy Hmm Hmm – 1/4/1951
  • George’s opening monologue talks about letters he’s received with questions about Jack Benny, Fred Allen, George Jessel, and Eddie Cantor. Gracie has circled today’s date on the calendar, but cannot remember why. She assumes that it is a celebratory date for George and tries to goad him into telling her what it is by wishing him a ‘happy hmm hmm.’ George’s trip to the bakery doesn’t yield any answers either because Gracie has had ‘happy hmm hmm’ written on the cake. The party progresses with a group of guests, including Jack Benny (himself) who shows up irritated that George and Gracie threw their own party while he was scheduled to have one, having made sure that Gracie circled the date on the calendar. George announces that Hal March, who played the role of Harry Morton, has gone to New York for his own show with his partner Bob Sweeney, and that the role will now be played by John Brown. 1/5/14
• 009. To Go or Not to Go – 1/18/1951
  • Unavailable for viewing
• 010. Gracie and the St. Bernard – 2/1/1951
  • Unavailable for viewing
• 011. Holding Out – 2/15/1951
  • Unavailable for viewing
• 012. The Income Tax Man – 3/1/1951
  • George addresses the audience and talk about some of the high costs of producing a TV show. The income tax man named Ralph Hanley (Joseph Kearns) visits the Burnses to work on their taxes, followed by visits from Harry, who wants advice for Blanche’s birthday gift, Miller the Baker (Frank Jaquet), who asks George to speak at a banquet, and Bill Goodwin, who is emceeing the banquet and rehearses by talking about Carnation milk. Gracie lets it slip to Blanche that Harry is getting her an alligator purse for her birthday. Gracie and Blanche head off to a book review, as Hanley finishes the tax return. He is so mentally exhausted that he tells George that they owe the government three refrigerators full of whipped cream. 1/16/14
• 013. The Vanderlips’ Dinner Party – 3/15/1951
  • Unavailable for viewing
• 014. Johnny Velvet’s Day in Court – 3/29/1951
  • Unavailable for viewing – ONLINE
• 015. George Is Sick – 4/12/1951
  • Unavailable for viewing
• 016. Teenage Girl Spends the Weekend – 4/26/1951
  • George addresses the audience and talks about home repairs. Blanche visits Gracie and they discuss the upcoming visit of 17-year old neighbor Emily Vanderlip (Jean Mahoney), whose parents are leaving town for the weekend. The Mortons then argue while hanging up a picture of Gracie that she gave them when she thinks that Harry is trying to hit her with the hammer (but George promised them a happy ending so the audience will like them so they kiss and make up). Gracie attempts to help Emily with her homework (“pie are round”), then Bill Goodwin visits and teaches her how to make shortcake using Carnation. When Emily’s boyfriend Chuck (Bill Foster) comes over, they demonstrate their Jitterbug dance, and George and Gracie then do their version. 1/16/14 (online)
• 017. The Andersons Move In – 5/10/1951
  • Unavailable for viewing (John Brown’s last episode as Harry Morton)
• 018. The Vanderlips’ Costume Party – 5/24/1951
  • Unavailable for viewing (Fred Clark’s first episode as Harry Morton)
• 019. Mamie Kelly Gets Stuck – 6/7/1951
  • Gracie’s childhood friend Mamie Kelly (Sarah Selby) has been staying with the Burns’ for two weeks and George is ready to have her leave. Gracie drives her to the airport but she misses her flight. George sends Bill Goodwin to take her to the train station, promising that he’ll talk to the producer of the film Small Wonder, and convince him to switch Bill’s role with that of Bob Cummings if he gets her there on time. He ends up talking about Carnation Milk and they miss the train. Meanwhile George hasn’t had a home-cooked meal since Mamie got there, but when Blanche attempts to cook it for him, he never gets to eat it because Harry thinks it isn’t good enough. Finally, George gets Mamie on a bus, but after she is gone, Mamie’s husband Charlie (Steve Chase) and their three daughters show up to visit – so Gracie has to call Mamie to come back. 6/8/14 (online)
• 020. To Fish or Not to Fish – 6/21/1951
  • Unavailable for viewing
• 021. Too Much of the Mortons – 7/5/1951
  • George would like to get away from the Mortons for the day and head off to Malibu Beach. Gracie misses the point of this and invites Blanche to go with them, since the Mortons also want to get away from their neighbors. Harry decides to let the Burns’ go to the beach and then secretly hang back and swim in the Burns pool. Likewise when George find out that the Mortons are going, he decides to let them go to the beach and stay at home with Gracie. After the both admit that they’re trying to get away from each other, they decide to just hang out at the pool…then they both sneak off to the beach. Meanwhile, George has Mr. Norman the exterminator (Herb Vigran) at the house to get rid of termites. Bill Goodwin assumes that he is the pest that the Burns are trying to get away from. Marc Cavell plays Bobby the grocery delivery boy. 2/7/14
• 022. Silky Thompson Moves to Beverly Hills – 7/19/1951
  • Unavailable for viewing
• 023. Gracie’s Vegetarian Plot – 8/1/1951
  • Having finished Professor Haywood Bradford’s (Alan Mowbray) book Eat and Live, Gracie and Blanche decide that they and their husbands will stick to the strict vegetarian diet that it highlights, and also to invite Bradford to speak at their women’s club, the Beverly Hills Uplifters Society. George and Harry quickly grow tired of eating ‘grass’ and try to bribe Bill Goodwin for the box of food he’s brought over, which turns out to actually be a box of Carnation cookbooks The Cook’s Handbook that he has brought for Gracie to autograph. George and Harry then conspire to cook their own steaks, but as they’re sneaking out, they’re missing the fact that Gracie and Blanche have decided to go off the diet and have prepared Harry’s steaks. Bill tells how the viewing audience can order a copy of the cookbook personally signed by Gracie Allen for 35 cents. 2/7/14
• 024. Space Patrol Kids Visit – 8/16/1951
  • Unavailable for viewing
• 025. Buying Wholesale – 8/30/1951
  • Unavailable for viewing
• 026. Gracie Gives a Wedding – 9/13/1951
  • Gracie is throwing a wedding at their house for Carol, the daughter of Mr and Mrs. Nelson (Grace Whitley Taylor, Walter McGreer) whom Gracie claims once did a big favor for her. George has no idea who anyone involved is, but tolerates the french caterer Monsieur Robert (Maurrice Marsac) and his assistant Pierre (Shepard Menken) and their bickering in French…and the fact that he has to pay for it. It turns out that George shelled out $3600 for the event because Mrs. Nelson gave Gracie a little push when her car stalled a couple of weeks earlier. NOTE: George stops the show to announce that Bill Goodwin has gone to New York to star in his own TV show and that Harry von Zell will now be a permanent member of the cast. 3/11/14

SEASON 2

• 027. Gracie Goes to a Psychiatrist – 9/27/1951
  • Blanche has been having nightmares that Harry abandons her after a shipwreck, but is too nervous to go to a psychiatrist on her own, so Gracie volunteers to go in her place. The psychiatrist (Joseph Kearns) doesn’t think the dreams are a problem, but when Gracie starts talking about other things, he comes to the conclusion that she is crazy. Thinking that she is Blanche, the doctor calls Harry to tell him about his ‘wife.’ Harry tries to humor Blanche, which makes Blanche think that it is Harry who is crazy. After a misunderstanding they both act as if George’s shoes are apple pies. Eventually Blanche finds out why Harry is humoring her, but doesn’t argue because it means that Harry is buying things for her. Gracie tries to act crazy for George as well, but it doesn’t work since he has known her too long. Harry won’t let the Burns’ gardener (Bob Sweeney) eat because he is telling him the benefits of Carnation. 6/8/14 (online)
• 028. The Beverly Hills Uplift Society – 10/11/1951
  • Gracie is unable to pay the rent on the clubhouse for her women’s club, the Beverly Hills Uplift Society, because she spent their $120 to buy a wall safe to the money in. She goes to the bank to speak to Mr. Vanderlip (Lew Merrill) about a loan, but he refuse to give it without collateral. The club therefore has to meet in the Burns house, much to George’s chagrin, but he still refuses to give them the money. A kissing booth is suggested, and then Harry Von Zell stops by to talk about Carnation. They mistakenly think he is going to pay them $120 to join the club – but he assumed that they had planned on paying him. Finally George simply gives them the money to get them out of the house. Their idea is to repay him with 120 kisses. Gracie thanks the crowd for purchasing her cookbook, which she is diligently autographing. 9/16/14
• 029. The Football Game – 10/25/1951
  • The Burns’ and the Mortons are set to go to Harry’s alma mater’s football game when Gracie and Blanche each realize that they’ve each bought four tickets. Gracie gets arrested for scalping and is taken into the police station where she drives Sgt. Harris (Clancy Cooper) and Officer Johnson (Steve Pendleton) so crazy, that Johnson simply gives her $20 for the tickets. Meanwhile Blanche also sells her tickets – to Harry Von Zell. George asks for them back, but Von Zell is taking Mr. Stewart, the president of Carnation, and his wife to the game. Harry also peddles Carnation to the Burns’ gardener Mr. Phillips (Bob Sweeney). No one can seem to find tickets, until Gracie simply buys them at the box office. After they all head to the game – in raccoon overcoats – Harry makes a pitch to the audience to use Carnation in their pumpkin pie recipe, and Gracie advocates giving blood to help our Armed Forces. 9/21/14 (online)
    
• 030. Surprise Birthday Party – 11/8/1951
  • Unavailable for viewing
• 031. Thanksgiving – 11/22/1951
  • Harry gives George a tip on a race horse named Linda Lee, which also happens to be the name of his business partner Mr. Casey’s (James Warren) wife (Gerry Cameron). Joe Crawford (Charles Lane) comes over from the drugstore to deliver George’s cigars. When he asks Gracie to mention to Harry that “Linda Lee” didn’t come in and that he was wasting his money on her, Gracie assumes that Harry is having an affair and tells Blanche. She is angry until Harry tells her that Linda Lee is a horse; she passes that info back to Gracie. The Mortons, Caseys, Harry Von Zell, and Joe Crawford all go to the Burns house for Thanksgiving. Gracie mentions to Linda Lee that she doesn’t look like a horse. Harry Von Zell gives the newlywed Caseys a spiel about Carnation and keeps sitting between them. Gracie convinces George to tell a joke, but he is constantly interrupted, and one by one everyone leaves the room – except Joe, whom George still owes for the cigars. Harry Von Zell addresses the audience and offers congratulations to Carnation Tip Top, who won a blue ribbon for yearling bulls at the National Livestock Exposition. George and Gracie are out of time, so they just say goodnight. 9/21/14 (online)
    
• 032. New Dresses for the Concert – 12/6/1951
  • The Uplift Society is holding a concert that the Burns and Mortons are attending, and both wives want their husbands to buy them a new dress. They concoct a ruse where each wife will tell their husband that each other’s husband bought them a dress. George is onto the scheme right away and nips it before it starts. Gracie accepts this and brings over one of her old dresses to show Blanche what she is wearing. Harry thinks it’s a new dress, and angered at George for ‘buying it,’ he buys Blanche a new one. George doesn’t believe that Blanche’s dress is new and won’t budge. Gracie feigns illness, telling George that her doctor says she needs a new warm dress. George finally gives in and tells Gracie that she can go get the dress…which she has already bought. Gracie also meets with the head of the concert Salvatore Monetti (Jay Novello) to help decide the playlist. Harry breaks up an argument with some folks (Ron Brogan, Edith Simmons) in a supermarket and convinces the husband that Carnation Milk is the way to go. After leaving the supermarket, Gracie hits him with her car. 10/30/14 (online)
• 033. Christmas with Mamie Kelly – 12/20/1951
  • Harry hides Blanche’s Christmas outfit, while Gracie keeps her occupied, then they all go to the train station to pick up Mamie Kelly and her three girls Jeri, Linda, and Jill (formerly referred to as Sherry). They run roughshod through the house, but George humors them. Harry gets tired of listening to them playing a drum so he tells them that there’s candy inside. They stretch out George’s sweater and wear the outfit that Harry bought for Blanche. Blanche tries to disguise the creel she bought for Harry as George’s gift. Harry Von Zell brings over a Carnation secretary named Julie Lauren (Kathleen O’Malley) and has her sit on his lap to show George how to portray Santa Claus. Mamie mistakes Julie for Harry’s wife. George dresses up as Santa but the kids immediately recognize him. 10/30/14
• 034. Gracie’s Storeroom – 1/3/1952
  • Unavailable for viewing
• 035. Blanche for President – 1/17/1952
  • Unavailable for viewing
• 036. Dinner with the Vanderlips – 1/31/1952
  • Unavailable for viewing
• 037. Gracie and the Dented Fender – 2/14/1952
  • Unavailable for viewing
• 038. Trip to Palm Springs – 2/28/1952
  • George and Gracie are preparing to head to Palm Springs to rehearse for their upcoming appearance on The Jack Benny Program. Blanche wants to tag along but is afraid Harry won’t let her go. Since he had let her go in the past when she was sick, she feigns a cold. Harry doesn’t believe it, but when he overhears veterinarian Dr. Johnson (Joseph Kearns) talking about the condition of Mary Livingston’s dog Suzette, he believes that he is talking about Blanche and lets her go. But it turns out that Harry was planning a golf trip that weekend anyway. Meanwhile, Harry and his agent try to convince George to give him a meaty part in an upcoming show so that a film producer will consider him for the role of a lawyer. Unfortunately he is distracted by coffee cake which leads him to talk about Carnation Milk. On the way to Palm Springs, Gracie talks about incident with her brother milking a cow. NOTE: Jack Benny and Mary Livingston do not appear in this episode, but George and Grace would really appear on the March 9th episode of The Jack Benny Program. 11/28/14 (online)
• 039. Gracie’s Engagement Ring – 3/13/1952
  • Following George and Gracie’s appearance on The Jack Benny Show, George chats with Jack via phone and promises to retrieve Jack’s toupee and bring it to him. Meanwhile Gracie has misplaced her engagement ring, which unbeknownst to her has been turned in to George. He decides to teach her a lesson and not tell her that he has it. She reports it stolen and is visited by Lt. Smith (Steve Pendelton), who thinks the perpetrator might be the notorious “Fingers” Leeds (Jerry Hausner). George tells the cop that he actually has the ring, but Fingers manages to steal it from him before he leaves. George has also told Harry that he needs to cut 20 seconds from his Carnation pitch in the next show, so Harry brings his mother over to George’s to plead his case, so George gives him his time back. The lady turns out to be an actress named Jane (Ida Moore) whom Harry has hired. Fingers returns the ring to the studio as George and Gracie are getting made up for the show because the diamond is so small, and George gives it back to Gracie. The show begins and Harry pitches The Cooks Handbook, and Gracie reports that the ring is missing again. Jan Arvan and Carl Von Schiller are Leo and Bob the make-up men. 11/28/14
• 040. Harry and the Gold Digger – 3/27/1952
  • Unavailable for viewing
• 041. The Good Old Days of Vaudeville – 4/10/1952
  • Gracie and Blanche are shopping downtown and says she has to rush home to be part of an interview with George. They run into Harry Von Zell, as well as a man (Theodore von Eltz) whom Gracie can’t recognize, that turns out to have been the Best Man at her wedding. George addresses the audience and talks about his early Vaudeville days, in which he started out partnered with a seal named Flipper. Gracie is detained from getting home because she stops at an auction so Blanche makes George lunch…which Harry promptly eats. She arrives home and they are interviewed by Barney Dean (Skeets Gallagher), who is writing a film called The Cavalcade of Vaudeville, which will include reminisces from Burns and Allen. As they chat, Harry Von Zell interrupts continuously to talk about Carnation and the new ad for cream with chicken and peas in the new issue of LIFE Magazine (with Marilyn Monroe on the cover). Later a photographer (Jan Arvan) takes photos of George and Gracie wearing various Vaudeville style hats while Gracie talks about her frivolous auction purchases. George talks Gracie into doing an Irish jig for old time’s sake. 1/10/15 (online)
• 042. Jack Benny Steals George’s Joke – 4/24/1952
  • George and Gracie share a train with Jack Benny on the way back to Los Angeles from San Francisco, where they have all appeared in a benefit. George is livid that Jack Benny stole his opening joke, so that it fell flat when George delivered it. Every time George addresses the audience insulting him, Jack stands at the opposite with a cigar insulting George back. CBS head man Mr. Ackerman (Theodore von Eltz) appeals to George to apologize to Jack, but George throws him out. The Mortons and Harry Von Zell try to come up with a way to get the actors make amends, but they are distracted by Gracie’s custard – which she has prepared from the recipe in LIFE Magazine (with the wedding picture of Ike Eisenhower on the cover). Eventually George decides to not let the joke ruin their friendship, and Jack shows up bearing their laundry, which he has paid for. Jack proves his friendship by loaning George $500, which George promptly returns. Jack counts it when he hands it right back. As George, Gracie, and Jack say goodnight to the audience, Jack kisses Gracie several times. Bob Johnson is the waiter on the train. 1/10/14
• 043. Gracie’s Redecoration Scheme – 5/8/1952
  • Inspired by Irene Dunne, Gracie decides to redecorate their house but wants to get George out of the house for two days while she does it. George is on to the scheme but wants to see how she will go about getting rid of him. She tells George that he should go on a fishing trip with Harry to get him out of the house because Blanche is going to redecorate their house. When the decorator Mr. Binkley (Joseph Kearnes) comes over, Gracie tells George that he is a rhumba instructor. Since Harry can’t go on the fishing trip, Blanche tries to get Harry Von Zell to go, but he says he has to do his work for Carnation. Harry shows that he can step into the advertising role, which makes Von Zell fearful for his job. Gracie tells George he needs to leave town for a couple of days for his health. When the moving men (Steve Pendleton, Lee Millar) arrive, Gracie tells George that the men are doctors… and that they’re moving the Burns furniture into the Morton house so that Harry will not see their house empty and becomes suspicious. During the closing monologue Gracie confesses that she is actually decorating their house. 3/3/15 (online)
• 044. The Speech Writer – 5/22/1952
  • Gracie’s friend Mamie plans to move from San Francisco to Los Angeles with her husband and three daughters Sherry (Jill St. John – née Oppenheim), Linda (Melinda Plowman), and Jeri (Jeri Lou James), and brings them along in their camper to look for housing. The girls are obsessed with spacemen and constantly interrupt George by shooting their toy guns at him and referring to him as an ‘earthman.’ George’s goal becomes trying to find a place to work in peace on a speech that he will be delivering for the mayor. Gracie tries to assist by meeting with Mortimer Douglas (Pierre Watkin), the principal of the local school, to enroll the girls. George has to save Cherry by diving into the swimming pool when she falls in. He later jokes to the audience about it being an obvious double who has done the diving. He finally figures out that he can write in peace if he puts on the space helmet and blocks out the sound. Harry Von Zell peddles Carnation products, including showing the audience how to make the cream for strawberry shortcake. 8/24/14 (online)
• 045. Divorce Attorney – 6/5/1952
  • After nearly stealing the postman’s (Lee Millar) mail bag, Gracie follows Blanche’s suggestion and heads off to see a Swami to have her palm read. When she returns, she announces to Blanche that she needs to get a divorce from George because the Swami said that she is going to have two husbands and she wants to make the second one George as well. She hires a divorce attorney named Mr. Bruce (Walter Woolf King) whom she only confuses. Harry Von Zell announces that he witnessed a bank robbery and then shows how a newlywed woman picks up tuna and Carnation milk to make crispy tuna puffs. George dresses as the Swami and tells Gracie that he was wrong earlier and that she should not divorce her husband. Both Harrys have the same idea and show up dressed as the Swami, but before they can try and fool Gracie, a police officer (Steve Pendleton) shows up and arrests them all. 3/4/15
• 046. The Musical Scam – 6/19/1952
  • On the cab ride home from shopping, Blanche tells Gracie that Harry has invested $500 in a musical comedy, and hopes that George might look into it and give him some show business advice. The producers Buddy Pepper (Buddy Pepper) and Dick Fisher (Hal March) come visit George and although George berates them at first, he ends up investing $5000 himself… with the stipulation that he gets to sing the lead. When Harry Von Zell, who has also invested find out that it is George singing, he and the Mortons talk to the producers and they get the show cancelled. George is crestfallen to hear that everyone thinks he’s a terrible singer, but they try to convince him that they just don’t want to pay all of the taxes when they make a lot of money. His friends convince him that they love his singing, and he tries to sing them a few numbers only to constantly interrupted… until he brings out his shotgun to convince them to be quiet and listen. Harry Von Zell tells the audience how to make Tuna Puffs using Carnation. Lee Millar is the taxi driver. 4/13/15 (online)
• 047. Dual Meanings – 7/3/1952
  • Gracie finds out that George is getting a new secretary, and during discussions with Blanche and her manicurist Madge (Barbara Pepper), Gracie starts to think that George will be cavorting with her around his office. Unbeknownst to her the ‘secretary’ that George is getting is actually a desk. Gracie hires a private investigator named Montague (James Flavin) to follow George around, but Montague mistakes Harry for George. Montague reports back that ‘George’ entered the Morton house and kissed Blanche, but Harry is more irate that ‘George’ was served his cookies. George explains the confusion to everyone, but Gracie assumes that when George introduces the secretary desk that the woman inside had abandoned him. Harry Von Zell explains how to make George’s favorite dish, Fried Chicken Fiesta with gravy using Carnation instant milk. 4/14/15
• 048. The Great Gazatti – 7/17/1952
  • Hal Averback (himself) takes over temporarily as the Carnation pitchman. When he comes to the Burns house to pitch a singer to George, Gracie decides that is time that George have his own record. She goes to speak to record producer Mr. Simon (Walter Woolf King), who is waiting to sign famous Italian opera singer The Great Gazatti (Furtunio Bonanova), and mistakes Gracie for Gazatti’s wife. She goes along with it and stipulates that Gazatti will sign if he will record a record for George Burns. He agrees and George cuts a record, but when Gazatti arrives, he refuses to sign. Gracie has Hal and Harry dress at the Gazatti brothers, but it is all for naught because Simon actually think George’s record will make a great novelty record. When Simon visits the Burns house, he gets a call from his boss B.J. telling him that he is being fired for making two mistakes: losing Gazatti to Columbia and recording George. Although George sulks into the next room, soon everyone hears him singing again. 7/11/15 (online)
• 049. The $50,000 Lie – 7/31/1952
  • Unavailable for viewing
• 050. The Stolen Racehorse – 8/14/1952
  • Unavailable for viewing
• 051. The Spectacular Spectacle Debacle – 8/28/1952
  • Unavailable for viewing
• 052. Gracie and Blanche Want to Redecorate – 9/25/1952
  • Blanche is thrilled when Harry tells her that she can redecorate their house, although George refuses to do the same for Gracie. When Mr. Prentice (Donald Lawton) the decorator stops by the Morton house, Blanche overhears him tell Harry that he is doing their house for free only because Harry has promised to get George to pay to the Burns house. Blanche storms out and refuses to take part in the scheme. Harry and George later congratulate each other for fooling their wives a scheme of their own, which is overheard by Blanche. Gracie is so angry when she finds out that she goes ahead and hires decorator Thomas Slayton (Walter Woolf King), but has to make sure George isn’t in the house when Slayton decorates. In order to do that, she arranges for them to go to Las Vegas, but tells George that her entire family is coming for a visit, hoping that will get him out of the house. George is on to her, but allows it all to happen anyway. Harry tells the audience how to get the free booklet Desserts: Plain and Fancy. NOTE: This is the last live episode. 7/14/15

SEASON 3

• 053. Wardrobe Woman Wins Free Trip to Hawaii – 10/9/1952
  • Gracie’s wardrobe woman Jane (Elvia Allman) tells Gracie that she won an all expense paid trip for two to Honolulu. Not realizing that Jane is already married, Gracie thinks it would be a perfect honeymoon trip and tries to find Jane a husband. George knows that Jane is married to Frank (James Flavin), but wants to see how the story unfurls so that he can use it on a show. Gracie first tries to set Jane up with Harry Von Zell, but when he resists, she turns to the Bluebird Matrimonial Bureau, and when their representative Michael Rockford (Hal March) shows up, Blanche assumes that Gracie is looking for a husband for herself. Eventually Frank shows up to pick up Jane, and Gracie assumes he is from the matrimonial bureau and introduces him to his own wife. George tears up the notes he was making, assuming no one would ever believe the story. 9/6/15
• 054. Gracie Gives Party for Atomic Scientist – 10/16/1952
  • George tells the tale of the time that Gracie tried to host a dinner party that would include Ray Milland, Tyrone Power, and Dr. Cherot (Maurice Marsac), a distinguished French atomic scientist. George is irritated that Gracie has spent so much by hiring a butler named William (Rex Evans), a chef, and a maid. When Dr. Cherot declines the invitation, Gracie goes down to the University to speak with him. He tells her that he only accepts invitations from other scientists, particularly those who were in Las Vegas when the atomic bomb testing had occurred. Gracie says that George had been in Vegas, which leads Cherot to believe that George is a scientist. Harry Von Zell ends up with the job as the chef, while Harry and Blanche take over as butler and maid. Cherot shows up, but when he finds out that George is a comedian, he storms out. No one else shows up either since Gracie forgot to mail the invitations. The party goes on with the orchestra, but Harry has stripped all of the meat off of the ribs. Jan Arvan is Dr. Bradley. 9/6/15
• 055. George Sneezing and Gracie Thinks He’s Insane – 10/23/1952
  • George’s agent Dick Fisher (Hal March) presents him with a script where George catches a cold on a picnic and does nothing but sneeze during the episode. Gracie hears him practicing and thinks he’s sick, so she invites over Dr. Philips (Walter Woolf King), who is next door advising Harry on his diet plan. Philips comes over and ends up examining Gracie, while she thinks that Philips is talking about George, all causing Philips to think that Gracie is insane. His report calls for shock therapy, which Gracie thinks is for George. She and Harry Von Zell attempt to ‘shock’ George, who finally reveals that the reason he was sneezing was because of the script. This causes Gracie to throw the script into the incinerator to help George stop sneezing. Meanwhile Harry goes to great lengths to avoid his diet by eating food that he has hidden around their house. 12/6/15
• 056. Gracie Buying a Boat for George – 10/30/1952
  • Gracie is worried about George overworking on a script so she invites Harry Von Zell over to try to get him to play golf. George won’t bite, so they come up with a plan to buy a boat where he can relax and invite boat salesman Hal Hackett (Bob Sweeney) over. George thinks Harry is buying the boat so he convinces him to get a $65,000 yacht. Soon the Harrys are deciding how they will divide up their time on the boat, but it is all for naught when George refuses to buy it. The Harrys convince Gracie to make George think he is having a breakdown. They all join in and try to convince him that he is Harry’s old classmate Charlie Cochran. George plays along and when Hackett returns with the contract, George signs it… as “Charlie Cochran.” 12/6/15
• 057. Gracie Having George’s Portrait Painted – 11/6/1952
  • With George’s birthday coming up, Gracie talks with Blanche and tries to come up with something to give George as a surprise in addition to the sweater she is knitting. Blanche suggests having his portrait painted, so Gracie meets with an agent named Mr. Blackwell (Joseph Kearns), who represents a famous English painter named William Gregory (Rex Evans). Gracie tries to find a way to keep the painting a surprise, so when Gregory arrives, she passes him off as Blanche’s aunt. She also plans to hide Gregory in the closet and peek out at George through a hole in order to paint him. George has finally had enough and throws Gregory out, vowing that if the painting is any good, he will live in the closet for a month. Once he sees the painting and sees how good it is, he heads for the closet. Meanwhile Harry doesn’t want Blanche giving George one of his favorite ties, so he takes the tie out and puts a banana peel inside the package. Leon Tyler is Jimmy, the meat delivery boy. 2/7/16 (online)
• 058. Gracie and Blanche Hire Two Gigolos to Take Them Out – 11/13/1952
  • George makes a reservation at the exclusive Macombo nightclub with the owner Charlie Morrison, recalling the past events that caused them to cancel their previous reservations, which began when Harry Von Zell tells Gracie that he is taking his girlfriend there to woo her rich father. Gracie and Blanche then decide that they want their husbands to take them, but Harry is too cheap and George says he has to stay home and watch the other comedians on television. Gracie and Blanche then decide to hire two gigolos from an escort service to take them. Claude Mason (Gerald Mohr) and Philip Dunbar (Gil Frye) arrive to escort their dates, and Philip is paired off with Blanche, but keeps getting sent to the delicatessen by Harry. Gracie drives Claude crazy, and they both end up ending the dates claiming that they are going on strike. George decides to take Gracie out, but Gracie decides not to go, just as Blanche talks Harry into going. Everyone keeps changing their mind and changing in an out of their formal attire, until George finally tells everyone that they are definitely going. Everyone changes into their formal clothes, except for Gracie who claims she’s worn the new dress three times now and can’t go to the Macombo in an old dress. 2/7/16
• 059. Sampter Clayton Ballet (aka Selling Tickets) – 11/20/1952
  • George is basking in the aftermath of a party at the Mervyn Leroys the night before, and Gracie is running off yet another salesman, Mr. Williams (Lee Millar) selling white elephant trinkets. Gracie receives a letter asking if the Burnses will sponsor the Sampter Clayton ballet. Although George wants nothing to do with it, Gracie meets with Charles Sampter (Joseph Kearns), and before running him off as well, she agrees to sell 200 tickets at $10 each. Gracie convinces George that Sampter is actually an undertaker there to meet with Harry Morton. Gracie enlists both Harrys to sell some of the tickets and they end up selling them to each other. Gracie hires two ballet professionals to pose as a maid (Mary Labelle) and butler (Dick D’Arcy), in order to dance as they clean and convince George of the merits of the ballet. George ends up paying them, sending them home, and dances with Gracie, telling her that he’s agreed to sponsor the ballet and has sold all of the tickets for her at the Friars Club. 5/2/16
• 060. Skating Pearsons Come to Visit – 11/27/1952
  • Friends from George and Gracie’s Vaudeville days, Joe (Richard ‘Skeets Gallagher) and Molly Pearson (Barbara Pepper) – known as the Skating Pearsons – come for a visit and to enlist their help in babysitting their son Joey Jr. (Stuffy Singer). Joey is a big fan of George, but the Pearsons want him to pursue a career outside of show business. Gracie brings child guidance counselor Emily Marsh (Verna Felton) to advise Joey to become a doctor, but she thinks that Harry Von Zell is Joey. Blanche tries to talk Joey out of show business as well, and Gracie gets Joey a telescope, but Joey insists that he wants to be like ‘Uncle George’. Harry Von Zell and Gracie concoct a plan to make Joey think that George is poor and can’t pay his rent, with Harry in disguise as a landlord there to evict him. George catches wind of it and puts a stop to it, promising to talk Joey into becoming a doctor. Joe and Molly return after getting a job running a gas station, only to find a telegram from their agent telling them that they got a booking in Chicago. They are aghast that George is trying to convince Joey to become a doctor as he is their whole act. 5/3/16
• 061. Gracie Selling Swamp So Harry Will Buy TV Set – 12/4/1952
  • Blanche complains that Harry monopolizes the TV and that he won’t buy one for the bedroom unless he sells the swampland that he owns in Malibu. Gracie decides to sell it for them as a surprise, but when she succeeds, a lawyer named Mr. Gibson (Louis Merrill) who demands the $200 back, but when Gibson finds out that the property didn’t even belong to her, and that George is the Burns from ‘Burns and Allen’, he decides to sue for $25,000. George tries to buy the property from Harry, but that makes Harry suspect that the property is valuable and has oil on it. George calls in a geologist named Mr. Standish (Bob Sweeney) to test the property, and naturally it contains no oil. When he goes to deliver the news to Harry, he finds that the Mortons are living high on the hog with a butler named Witherspoon (Rex Evans). When they see the geology report, they faint. Phil Tead is George’s friend Joe. 8/5/16
• 062. Gracie Writes ‘My Love with George Burns’ – 12/11/1952
  • Gracie writes an article for LOOK Magazine titled My Life with George Burns, and in order to spice it up, she writes that George once beat up notorious gangster Silky Thomson (Sheldon Leonard) after Silky robbed a bank. Detective Roberts (Gordon Barnes) visits and tells Gracie that the article might enrage Silky and that he might enact revenge. Meanwhile Harry Morton sells his swampland to an unsuspecting housewife, and is afraid that the detective is after him. Silky does in fact come to threaten George and Gracie, but after spending some time with Gracie, he decides that marriage to her is punishment enough for George. However when Silky realizes that the house is surrounded by police, he hides in the closet. The husband (Charles Evans) of the wife who bought the swamp comes looking for Harry, and ends up beating up Silky, who is then arrested. Harry Von Zell promotes sponsor B.F. Goodrich Arraflor Floor Tile, in addition to Carnation. 8/7/16
• 063. Gracie Thinks George Is Going to Commit Suicide – 12/18/1952
  • George is distressed about the mounting bills and the fact that Gracie’s mother is coming to visit for three weeks. Mr. Franklin (John Call) the dry cleaner delivers George’s suit and informs Gracie that that George has left a suicide note inside. In actuality it was part of a play that George was doing with the Friars, but it sends up red flags with Harry Von Zell and Blanche. George however thinks he can use it get out of having his mother-in-law visit. Gracie sends for psychiatrist Dr. Coleman (Maurice Marsac), but when George tells him the truth privately, Coleman want to continue interviewing Gracie about a book on psychiatry that he is writing. Gracie starts telling him about her life, but soon they have switched position and he is telling Gracie about his. George has Harry bring home some jelly beans and pretends they’re arsenic, but unbeknownst to him, Blanche has told Gracie about George’s ploy, and Gracie pretends that she can’t live without George and takes the ‘pills’ herself. George feels so guilty that he tells Gracie the truth and that she can have her mother and three sisters over, and Gracie confesses that she already knew he’d confess and her family was already on their way. 10/15/16
• 064. Von Zell Dates Married Woman (aka Jealous Husband) – 12/25/1952
  • Harry Von Zell admits to Gracie that he unknowingly went out with a married woman named Sylvia Nelson (Chuckie Bradley), who was only trying to make her husband (Hugh Sanders) jealous. This makes Gracie angry so she calls Mr. Nelson and pretends to be Harry’s wife, but giving him the Mortons’ address when he asks. Mr. Nelson comes over and confronts Harry, leading Blanche to believe that it was her husband having the affair. Gracie also believes that Harry was having the affair and directs a process server (Jan Arvan) to deliver Harry with a court summons for alienation of affection… which actually winds up in Harry Von Zell’s hands. Gracie becomes more angry with Sylvia and calls her, only to find George at her house trying to smooth things over. This leads Gracie to think that George too is having an affair with Sylvia. Finally George has the Nelsons come over and Sylvia admits that she’s never seen Harry Morton before and that George was only trying to iron out the issues. The wives are all apologetic, but Gracie still coaxes George into saying that Sylvia is prettier than her, which gets her upset all over again. 10/15/16
• 065. Uncle Clyde Comes to Visit (aka Renting Room) – 1/1/1953
  • George introduces his kids Ronnie (himself) and Sandra Burns (herself), who have been away at school. Ronnie sets up the projector to run the evening’s episode: The first husband of Gracie’s Aunt Clara, ex-con Frank Clyde (Howard McNear), a professional paper tearer, wants to come stay with George and Gracie with hope of landing on his show, an idea that George is clearly opposed to. Blanche gives Gracie the idea to pretend to rent the spare room to keep Clyde away, but actually rent it to Clyde himself. Harry helps George divert this idea by actually renting the room to Harry’s broker friend Tom Fitzpatrick (Charles Lane), who hopes to pick up George as an investor. When Fitzpatrick arrives, Gracie believes him to be Uncle Clyde, whom she’s never met. George knows he’s Fitzpatrick, but when Gracie unpacks his bag and they’re full of investment papers, George now assumes that Fitzpatrick is Clyde the paper tearer and throws him out. When the real Uncle Clyde shows up, George happily give him a room thinking he’s the real Fitzpatrick, while Gracie tries to now throw him out. Clyde finally reveals himself to both of them by cutting up the newspaper to say “Greetings Uncle Clyde.” 1/15/17
• 066. Gracie Thinks Harry Morton Is in Love with Her – 1/8/1953
  • Harry wants to use the phone in private at the Burns’ house, so he playfully acts like he’s in love with Gracie to get her out of the room. Gracie takes his act to heart, so much so that she hints her worry to George, makes Harry some horrible sandwiches, and then when Dale Wheaton (Marvin Miller) comes to her house to pitch manufacturing the aprons that she wears, she tries to get him to pursue Blanche. Since it is actually the Mortons’ anniversary, Harry has bought a locket for Blanche, but Gracie thinks it is for her and takes it so that Blanche doesn’t discover it and get upset. Gracie then tells Blanche that Harry is interested in another woman, and when Harry presents the gift to Blanche to prove his love for her, she finds an empty package. Meanwhile George has caught wind of the ‘affair’ and is ready to shoot Harry. Gracie tries to explain the locket by telling George that she stole it, and then when Harry and Blanche comes over, Gracie tries to ‘cover’ for him by telling Blanche that he actually bought the locket for her. All ends well, but when George tells Gracie that he loves her, she becomes concerned again that yet another person is in love with her. 1/15/17
• 067. Gracie Trying to Keep Mortons from Moving Away – 1/15/1953
  • Harry decides that it would be a good deal for them if they switched houses with the Johnsons. Neither Blanche nor Gracie want this to happen as they will miss each other too much. Harry Von Zell agrees to help by telling Harry that he just had dinner at the Johnsons’ house and the place was a run-down mess. This nearly works until Gracie enters and inadvertently gives away the ruse. Gracie then calls in lawyer Mr. Duffy (Lester Matthews) to prevent Harry from forcing Blanche to move, but despite George’s warnings, he ends up running out and leaving behind his hat after taking all he can of Gracie’s double-speak. Finally Gracie invites Mrs. Johnson (Gail Bonney) over to the house and utilizes voice artist Jean (Mary Lansing) to make screaming sounds from the basement and pose as Gracie’s locked away sister, as well as posing as a horse. This doesn’t deter Mrs. Johnson at all… until she hears George singing, and then deciding that there is no way she can live next to that. 4/21/17
• 068. Gracie Thinks She’s Not Married to George – 1/22/1953
  • Gracie and Blanche get back from seeing the movie We’re Not Married!, about a marriage that wasn’t legal because the judge’s license hadn’t been renewed. Since the actor Victor Moore who played the judge looked  like the judge that married her and Gracie, she deduces that her marriage to George wasn’t legal. Gracie moves out to stay with the Mortons, while George becomes scared he might actually lose Gracie… along with the income she brings. George brings a saleswoman named Miss Barry (Fay Baker) from Sachs Fifth Avenue to the house to show some items that he might buy her to patch things up. However when Gracie comes back home, she finds Miss Barry and assumes that George has been looking for her replacement. George then brings over Jack Benny to remind Gracie that he was at their wedding as a witness. Jack finally convinces her, but George has brought over an actor (Paul Powers) to pose as Judge Thompson under the guise that they were never actually married, but will be now. However this just makes Gracie upset with Jack for ‘lying’ to her. 4/21/17
• 069. Tax Refund – 1/29/1953
  • The postman Mr. Larkin (Phil Tead) brings the mail that includes a $2.38 tax refund, but Gracie wants to return it as she thinks it will throw off her budget. Mr. Larkin wants no involvement and suggests that Gracie take it up with Fletcher Bowron (himself), the Mayor of Los Angeles. Bowron and his secretary Miss Bradley (Lurene Tuttle) are working on a pitch for the March of Dimes, when he receives a call from Gracie, and agrees to come visit her in order to prevent her from coming to his office. Harry, who has just lost a case involving some swampland he sold, doesn’t believe Blanche when she tells him the Mayor is coming, and tells her that he’ll buy her a mink stole if the Mayor is there. She takes Harry to see, and they find the Mayor in an apron, since Gracie has put him to work in the kitchen. After dinner Mr. Larkin stops by at Gracie’s request since he had jokingly mentioned earlier that he should ask the Mayor to fix his whistle. By the time the Mayor leaves, he is talking on Gracie’s level. He later returns to retrieve his hat, and finds President Eisenhower’s among them, and decides to leave his as well. 12/23/17
• 070. Cigarette Girl/Georgie Jessel/Teddy Bear – 2/5/1953
  • Harry Von Zell and Gracie read in the gossip column that a comedian bought a teddy bear from a blonde cigarette girl named Mimi Watson (Julie Bennett) at a benefit at Ciro’s nightclub, which in actuality was purchased by comedian Georgie Jessel. However George had loaned Jessel the money, and Jessel had given the teddy bear to George, so when Gracie finds the teddy bear, she blames George. Meanwhile Harry has stayed out and played poker all night, and has told Blanche that he was with George at Ciro’s. When Blanche assures him that she doesn’t care if he’s playing poker, he admits that he wasn’t at Ciro’s. However George doesn’t realize this and still maintains that Harry was with him, upsetting Blanche and making her think Harry was mixed up with the cigarette girl. Gracie invites Mimi over to the house, and when Mimi refers to ‘Georgie’ as the man who gave her the tip, Gracie continues to assume it’s her husband, whom in actuality Jessel had told Mimi was his father. Harry Von Zell fails as courting Mimi, and George finally decides to simply tell Gracie the truth. She doesn’t believe him and talks circles around him, even though George encourages her to call Jessel. Finally Blanche finds out the truth from one of Harry’s friends, and Gracie makes the call to Jessel and learns the truth. All is well until Harry tries to help George by telling Gracie that he was plying poker with him the night before. John Butler is Mr. Baker, the pool cleaner who laughs at Gracie, and then tells her he’s laughing at the funny leaves. 12/26/17
• 071. Gracie on Train/Murder – 2/12/1953
  • A salesman calls George and insists that Gracie had order a subscription to a murder magazine. George relates to the audience that Gracie doesn’t need a magazine because she can make up her own murder mystery. He relates an incident via flashback of Gracie traveling back home via train from her mother’s house in San Francisco, during which she meets Mr. Lindstrom (John Vosper), Mr. Garland (Peter Leeds), and Major Cunningham (Robert Bray) at breakfast. When she invites Mr. Lindstrom to have dinner at her house, he jokingly makes an excuse that he’ll be busy murdering his wife. When Gracie returns home and runs this by Blanche and Harry, he advises her to call the police. When she reports it to Detective Sawyer (James Flavin), she mentions that her neighbor advised her to, and when Sawyer asks her to describe the man, she gives him Harry’s information. Sawyer shows up to talk to Harry, who thinks that the detective is there at Blanche’s request because he isn’t sticking to his diet. When he mentions ‘getting rid of Blanche’ so he can cheat on his diet, he gets arrested for murder. George tells Gracie her mistake, so she calls Sawyer to tell him that he arrested the wrong man and she’s calling at her husband’s suggestion. When Sawyer asks for the man’s name, she gives him George… and he is then arrested. With Harry and George in jail, Gracie sends Harry Von Zell to deliver some stuff to George, including an emery board in place of file, which gets Von Zell arrested as well. Sawyer further questions Gracie but gets frustrated into leaving. Lindstrom shows up to return Gracie’s gloves, and after some pondering, Gracie recognizes him and calls Sawyer back, so he finally gets arrested as well. George and the guys are happy as they now have a baritone to complete their harmony. Ray Hyke is the guard. Bobby Johnson is the train waiter. 8/23/18
• 072. Blanche Wants a New Car/Gracie Gets Von Zell a Wife – 2/19/1953
  • Blanche relays to Gracie how she wants Harry to buy her a car but is too cheap. Gracie is angry but takes it out on George since Harry isn’t home. Harry Von Zell tells her that Harry probably needs to watch his money since it is income tax time, and relates that it would be worth $3000 to him if he was married with three children. Gracie assumes that if she can find this for him that he will pay her $3000. She thinks that she can get this money and buy a car for both Blanche and herself. She puts an ad in the paper and it is answered by a woman named Babs Rodney (Verna Felton) who has three boys, and mistakes George for her husband-to-be. The ‘boys’ show up and end up being full-grown men named Luke (Richard Reeves), Jim (John Crawford), and Tim (Chuck Alford) who try to bully George into marrying his mother. George turns Harry Von Zell over to them when he arrives, and George is finally able to convince Gracie of what Von Zell actually meant about the $3000. She helps get Babs and the boys’ attention off of Von Zell, when she tells them that Blanche is actually his wife. George is still stuck buying Gracie the car she had hoped to get for herself. 8/24/18
• 073. Gracie Gives a Swamp Party – 2/26/1953
  • After putting her boiling water in the freezer to use later, Gracie serves Harry Morton lunch, but since he’s on a diet, she only shows him a chicken to get him hungry then makes him eat vegetables. Once lunch is over, he no longer has to eat healthy so she give him the chicken. When Harry Von Zell pokes fun at Harry’s cold by mentioning the fact that he’s selling swamp land, Morton mentions that he’ll eventually sell it if he finds the right party. This cues Gracie to host a party to try and sell the swampland. Harry can’t make the party because of his cold, and he ends up giving it to Blanche, so she can’t make it either. Gracie assembles the party from people in the want ads looking for real estate, and hires Chef Baroni (Nestor Paiva) to make the food. While George chats with Mr. Ferguson (George Pembroke), Mr. Peters (Jack Rice) offers to act as shill to drive the price up in an auction, mostly so that they can finally eat dinner. Gracie ends up stopping the bidding when Peters bids $400 forcing him to take the land. Gracie sends Harry a frozen water bottle, and the she and George bring them food from the party and they all watch George and Gracie dancing on TV. Phil Arnold is the delivery man. 4/21/19
• 074. George and Gracie Hear a Burglar/Up All Night – 3/5/1953
  • After a late night movie, Gracie invites Blanche and an exhausted Harry over for coffee, and only convinces Harry to come by promising to feed him. During the visit Harry Von Zell stops by and tries to convince George that he has impressed his date with his sense of humor, which George finds difficult to believe. George finally gets everyone out of the house, and Harry quickly head to bed. When Blanche notices that he has left his headlights on, he goes outside to turn them off, and George and Gracie think it is a prowler. He goes to investigate and Harry and Blanche see him and think he is a prowler. Gracie phones the police and an exasperated Detective Sawyer shows up and can find no prowler. George heads outside with a frying pan and is shot at by Harry Morton, only being saved by the frying pan, which now has two bullet holes. Sawyer calls in his partner Mack McCullough (William Henry), and they pick up Harry Von Zell who has returned to make his case of being funny once again. Harry Morton comes over to see if the prowler has been caught, and they realize that they thought each other was the prowler. By then it is 6am, so they all have breakfast. The detectives car is stolen. 4/21/19
• 075. Gracie Buying a Ranch for George – 3/12/1953
  • After having spending the weekend on Fred Astaire’s ranch, Gracie suggests that George might like to own a ranch, and he does nothing to discourage her. When she tells Blanche of her desire to purchase one, she shares the information with Harry so that he can help her find one and get a commission. Harry brings his real estate partner Casey (now played by Hal March) into the deal and has him over to lunch, despite the fact that Blanche doesn’t like Casey. They have a bet on whether Gracie will say something dumb regarding the word ‘escrow’. Harry wins win she does. Harry sets up a meeting between Gracie and ranch owner Hank Warner (Ed Cassidy), whom she naturally confuses. George schemes to have Harry Von Zell pose as his doctor to tell Gracie that George isn’t fit for ranch life. Harry Morton tries to stop this by having Casey pose as Dr. Brown, and tell her that he is in perfect health. Both of the fake doctors show up at the same time, with Casey telling Gracie that George is fit, and Harry telling her that he isn’t. George is finally forced to tell her that it was all a trick, to which Gracie responds by saying that the trick didn’t work and she’s not going to buy the ranch after all. NOTE: This episode had a new opening added when it was shown it was re-broadcast as a repeat: George is asked by an interviewer if Gracie is the same at home as she is on screen. George tries to convince him that she is, by relating a ‘repeated television program’ about how Gracie did something normal like trying to buy a ranch. 2/5/20
• 076. Gracie Gets George in the Army – 3/19/1953
  • With Harry getting a medical exam for his insurance, Gracie’s friend Mary (Paula Winslowe) mentions to Gracie that her husband Charlie is in the Army Reserves and goes to camp for three weeks and always loses weight and feels great. Gracie thinks this might be good for George to help him sleep, and although he blows off her suggestion, Gracie barrels forward and calls over General Peterson (Bert Moorhouse) who once told her to call him if she ever needs anything. Peterson says that George is too old, so Gracie asks if George can replace him as a general. Peterson offers to send a doctor over to give George an physical. Over at the Morton’s, Harry prepares to eat a roast chicken, but is interrupted by Harry Von Zell, who uses and eats his chicken to illustrate his tales from the army. The doctor (Grandon Rhodes) shows up to examine George, but when Harry stops by, he mistakes him for George and examines him, declaring him to be in perfect health. Harry thinks he is the insurance doctor, so he signs his form… which enlists him in the army. Gracie thinks George has been enlisted, but Mary tells her that she saw the doctor examining Harry. Gracie goes to the recruitment center and talks to the Sergeant (Richard Erdman) about enlisting George. She drives him so crazy that he finally does, assuming that George needs a vacation from her. Not knowing whether or not, Gracie got him enlisted, George calls Dr. Mangum (Rolfe Sedan) to give him an exam, confident that he will fail… which he does. Gracie arranges a card game for them and the Mortons the night before George is support to report, but he and Harry laugh it off… until two MPs (Don Garrett, Bill Fletcher) show up to haul both George and Harry off to the Army. During the closing monologue George explains that he was thrown out. 2/6/20
• 077. Gracie Reports Car Stolen – 3/26/1953
  • George and Gracie are working on the next episode of their show with their co-star Sally (Isabel Jewell), when George tells Gracie that his make-up man whistled in his dressing room, which is an old Vaudeville superstition for bad luck. George winds up falling off a ladder during their rendition of Romeo & Juliet. Fearing that the bad luck will continue and knowing that George is supposed to be traveling to Palm Springs to spend a few days with the show’s writers to work on the following week’s episode, Gracie asks Harry Von Zell to take George’s car and hide in his garage so George can’t leave. George then asks Harry Morton to come spend a few days with him in Palm Springs on the condition that they use Harry’s car. Blanche is irritated about him leaving, so she has Harry steal his car as well. George reports his car stolen and Gracie has to give the details to the insurance man Mr. Stephans (Peter Leeds). He tells Gracie about a man named Mr. Sweeney who stole his own car to collect the insurance money, which put him in jail for fraud. Blanche tells Gracie that George has now rented a car and they still plan to go on the trip. Gracie calls Detective Sawyer to report to him that George stole his own car, knowing that if he is in jail, he won’t be able to go to Palm Springs. She also tips him off that the cars are in Von Zells garage. Just after Gordon (Rory Mallinson) shows up to drive George, Sawyer arrives to arrest George and Harry Morton. George explains the situation, and a frustrated Sawyer lets them go, and so George and Harry finally take off for Palm Springs. However they get arrested in Santa Ana when the police find them in the ‘stolen’ car. Gracie opts to keep him there for three days to avoid him having any bad luck. 5/16/20
• 078. Gracie Pretends to Be a College Boys’ Mother – 3/30/1953
  • UCLA student Ronnie Gilbert (David Bair) who does yardwork for the Burns tells Gracie that his girlfriend Sandy Cummings (Ruta Lee) saw him doing work at their house and he was embarrassed to tell her that he was working his way through college, so he told her that he lived there. Gracie agrees that she and George will pretend to be his parents in front of Sandy, but George is adamantly against it. Although Gracie seems flighty when she meets Sandy, she asks if she can bring her parents over to meet Ronnie’s folks, and Gracie agrees to this as well. However since George refuses to participate, Gracie tricks Harry Von Zell into pretending to be Ronnie’s father when she introduces him to Mr. (Grandon Rhodes) and Mrs. Cummings (Kay Riehl). Ronnie and Sandy are out looking at the pool during this, and when George strolls by, Ronnie introduces him as his father to Sandy. Blanche has caught wind that George wouldn’t play along so she sends Harry over to pretend to be Mr Gilbert as well. All three ‘husbands’ converge in the living room, and the Cummings are so baffled that the nearly walk out. However things are smoothed over when Ronnie tells the truth and Mr. Cummings admires that he is working his way through college, and Mrs. Cummings recognizes George and Gracie from TV and is enamored with George’s singing. Meanwhile Harry Morton gets irritated when Blanche buys a new $65 dress, but is tricked into telling her that he likes it, just after Harry delivers her a gift which turns out to be another side of roast beef he wants her to cook. 5/17/20
• 079. Misunderstanding Over Buying Mountain Cabin – 4/6/1953
  • Gracie is interrupted from reading the morning paper by Bob Larkin (Lester Matthews) from the Mountain Lodge Realty Company, who is looking for verification of employment for Harry Von Zell, because Harry is buying a mountain cabin. Gracie thinks that the cabin is for George so she says that he is the owner of the Burns and Allen Show. Gracie is excited to get the cabin, and tells Harry Morton about it. This upsets him that George used a different realtor than him, causing Harry to snap at George and advise him to throw himself under a bus along with Larkin. George has no idea who Larkin is, but it puts him in a bad mood, causing him to insult Harry Von Zell when he comes over because he thinks it is the other Harry. When Blanche tells Gracie why Harry is mad at George, she attempts to void the deal with Larkin by telling her that George has a very small job on the show. Larkin assumes she is talking about Harry Von Zell and calls off the deal with him. Harry Von Zell now has two reasons to be upset with George so he brings his agent Mike Levy (Don Gibson) over to try and get George to fire him so he can get out of his contract. George knows what they are doing so he refuses to fire Harry, but then he nearly has second thoughts when Mike offers to become his announcer. Blanche is also angry at George when he tells Gracie that Blanche can jump in a lake, and she repeats it to Blanche. By this point, George is content that everyone hates him, but the two Harrys finally get together and realize everything was a misunderstanding and go over to apologize to George. He agrees to actually buy a cabin off Harry Morton and signs the contract right on the spot. However Blanche is still mad at George and rips up the contract, not understanding that he signed to buy from Harry and just cost him a $400 commission. 8/30/20
• 080. Blanche Secretly Buys a Fur Stole – 4/13/1953
  • Blanche confides in Gracie that she bought a fur stole that she had saved for, but she told Harry that it belonged to Gracie and she was hiding it from George at her place. Blanche wants to wait until Harry is in a good mood before she tells him. George finds the stole and Gracie tells him the truth about her holding it for Gracie. However Harry tells George what Blanche had told him, that it is actually Gracie’s stole. Blanche finds it amusing that Harry thinks George is a dope for letting Gracie pull the wool over his eyes. In order to teach Gracie a lesson, George hides the stole at Harry’s place, so Harry Von Zell suggests that Gracie try to get the money from George to replace it without letting him know why, so she tells George her Uncle Harvey has to have a nose operation. That doesn’t work, so Harry suggests she go to the police. When Detecive Sawyer gets wind that Gracie is coming to see him, he steps down to pound the beat as a cop. Captain Benson (Herbert Rawlinson) has to take the case, but he quickly realizes why Sawyer stepped down, so Benson assigns the case back to him. When Harry hears that the police are involved, he quickly takes the stole back to George’s house. When Sawyer arrives, he finds the stole on the couch. George then takes it back to Harry’s as he tries to get Gracie to admit that the stole is hers. She gets George sidetracked by telling him about an auction she attended. When Gracie finds the stole missing again, she gets Sawyer back, but when he arrives Harry has put the stole back on the couch again. This repeats a few times, until Harry finds it so amusing that Blanche tells him the truth about the stole. With the stole missing, George goes to buy one to replace the one he lost, so both ladies wind up with a stole. 8/30/20
• 081. Gracie Takes Spanish Lessons – 4/20/1953
  • Gracie and Blanche have been taking Spanish night classes, leaving George and Harry at home to make their own dinner and do their own dishes. They try to make the wives believe they’ve been going out on the town by dressing up in tuxedos before the wives get home. It is completely lost on Gracie, but Blanche tells Gracie they haven’t been very attentive so they decide to bring a teacher into the home instead of going out. The hire a teacher named Juan Rodriguez (Alberto Morin), who quickly becomes weary of Gracie when she thinks that ‘gracias’ means ‘sit down.’ He declares her ‘mucho loco’. He also tells her that he only has eight days to teach her before he is deported back to Spain. Gracie volunteers to go see the immigration officer Mr. Dalton (Bob Sweeney), and vouches that George is Rodriguez’s uncle. She also leads Dalton to believe that George snuck into the country illegally. Dalton goes to see George, who is having fun pretending to be Spanish complete with a sombrero and serape, and tells him he is deporting him to Barcelona. George had it handled by his lawyer, and sits down with Gracie to scold her, but Gracie seems to want to be ‘deported’ because it will mean a nice vacation in Europe. While Dalton is there, Mr. Rodriguez returns, but doesn’t know which one between Dalton, George, and the two Harrys to pretend is his uncle. 12/16/20
• 082. The Black Eye Fraternity (aka Gracie & Cleaning Woman / Vanderlips) – 4/27/1953
  • Harry Morton asks George to speak to his friend Chester Vanderlip (now played by Grandon Rhodes) and put in a good word about him for a loan he is going to be asking for. The Burns’ maid Maggie (Verna Felton) is sisters with the Vanderlips’ maid Mary, and she tells Gracie how Mr. Vanderlip gave his wife (Key Riehl) an anniversary present. Gracie misunderstands and think that Vanderlip gave the gift to the maid, so thinking he is being unfaithful, she goes and sees him and reads him the riot act. When Gracie quotes something Harry Morton said about unfaithful husbands, it gives Vanderlip the impression that Harry had started the rumor. When Harry goes to see him about the loan, Vanderlip gives him a black eye. Harry picks a fight with George thinking that Vanderlip attacked him because of George’s ‘recommendation.’ Blanche sees them ready to fight and assumes that George gave Harry the black eye and tells Gracie as much. Gracie thinks she can make Vanderlip go back to his wife by telling him that she is having an affair with Harry Von Zell, but this only leads to Vanderlip giving him a black eye as well. Both Harrys think that George is responsible for their black eye and vow revenge, but Blanche takes over and chases George back into his house. Gracie has both of the Vanderlip over and set the record straight that neighbor of them is cheating, even though Mr. Vanderlip has already been given his own black eye from Mrs. Vanderlip. Blanche finally gives George his black eye, as well, so he declares that Gracie has singlehandedly founded the Black Eye Fraternity. Cecily Brown is Mr. Vanderlip’s secretary Miss Shaw. 12/18/20
• 083. Von Zell’s Girlfriend Between Trains – 5/4/1953
  • Blanche is irritated that Harry’s business partner Casey is coming over for lunch, and how he’s always bending over backwards to cater to him ever since he lost his confidence after he missed out on a deal with William Wrigley. As they are having lunch, Gracie comes over to try and make Harry look good by telling them all that Wrigley is over in their kitchen and wants to see him, letting it slip that Harry has said that Casey pushes him around. This causes Casey to leave in a huff, and tell Harry to find another partner. Meanwhile, Harry Von Zell’s former girlfriend Dorothy Potter (Ann Doran) is going to be in town briefly on a train layover, so she called ahead and asked to see him. He is concerned because she got married, and he had lied and told her that he too was married. Gracie suggests that he invite Dorothy to their house and pretend that his wife ‘Mabel’ is out of town. Gracie asks Blanche to pose as Mrs. Von Zell, but since her husband is already mad at her for the Casey situation, she declines. Gracie then poses as Mrs. Von Zell herself, naturally giving cryptic non-sequitur answers to most of Dorothy’s questions. Back at the Morton’s house, Harry has regained his confidence by talking out his anger on Casey and telling him off, prompting Casey to beg Harry to accept him back as a partner. Harry attributes his new confidence to Gracie, so he demands that Blanche do what she ask and pose as Harry’s wife. When she goes to the house, George quickly intercepts and declares that Blanche is his wife, who has been out of town. A suspicious Dorothy confesses that in fact she herself never got married, so Harry and the rest come clean about their true identities. Harry Morton shows up and tries to keep the lie going, but they all laugh at him… and cause him to lose his confidence again. 4/10/21
• 084. George Lectures at UCLA – 5/11/1953
  •  The mailman Mr. Beasley (Rolfe Sedan) bring Gracie the daily mail and winds up in a circular conversation about his daughter’s wedding. In the mail are a letter from Gracie’s mother and an invitation to George to help with a lecture series about television at UCLA college. George is excited and honored at the opportunity, but when he hears Harry Von Zell and the Mortons laughing at the prospect of George lecturing, he loses his confidence and decides not to do it. Gracie tries to help by going to see a Personality Consultant Herbert W. Browar (Hal Taggart), who mentions that George should talk to some people in other professions, for instance a lawyer and a bricklayer, in order to get some perspective. Gracie pushes this along by inviting lawyer Mr. Wilson (Carleton Young) and bricklayer Mr. Sullivan (Buck Young) to the house to talk to each other in front of George. When this doesn’t work, Gracie asks Von Zell and the Mortons to try and boost George’s confidence. George confronts them about laughing at him, and they say they didn’t realize he was asked to lecture about television specifically, at which he would be a natural. George changes his mind again and decides to to do the lecture, but as he is leaving he gets a call from Professor McCulloch (Rex Evans) from UCLA, who explains that he only wanted George to line up interviews with Jack Benny and Bob Hope. George plays off the phone call to everyone else, and pretends to head out to the lecture. To kill the next couple of hours, he joins Mr. Beasley on his mail route. 4/10/21
• 085. Gracie and Harry Morton / Missing Persons Bureau – 5/18/1953
  • Gracie tries to get Harry Von Zell to go to the movies with her and George, but he claims he’s taking a lady named Muriel to the museum. She invites Blanche and Harry as well, but Blanche says that Harry hasn’t been home all day, and since he missed a meal of his favorite foods, she jokingly deduces that he must be kidnapped. Gracie takes her seriously and goes to to see Detective Wilcox (Robert Bray) to report Harry missing. Wilcox assumes that it is Gracie’s husband who is missing, so there conversation goes nowhere. Finally he realizes that it is Harry who is missing, so Wilcox calls Blanche to get information, which scares her because she thinks he may have been murdered or kidnapped. She goes down to the office to see Casey (now played by Don Brodie) and see if he knows where Harry is. There she finds that Harry has been playing Gin all day with Casey. She is relieved to see him, but irritated that he’s been there all day, so Harry smooths things over by offering to take her to the Brown Derby. Back at the Burns’, Harry Von Zell speculates on whether Harry had life insurance. Not wanting to upset Blanche, Gracie takes it upon herself to call Union Settlement Insurance Company to file a claim on Harry. Their representative Mr. Welbert (Joseph Kearns) comes over and tries to explain to Gracie that he can’t just hand the money over to her without an investigation. As soon as he leaves and put their investigators on it, Welbert reports back that Harry isn’t dead, but rather at lunch with a woman at the Brown Derby. Not wanting to upset Blanche, Gracie confesses that Harry was there with her. In the process, Gracie becomes angry at all men, including George. Blanche tries to tell Gracie that he was there with her, and not a strange woman, but Gracie thinks she is only saying that to save her marriage with George. Finally Blanche gives up, and says that if Harry was there with her, she forgives all, and her marriage is saved. In turn, Gracie concludes that this has saved her marriage with George as well. 8/5/21
• 086. Surprise Party for Mortons / Sanitarium Routine – 7/6/1953
  • While Gracie is making coasters out of pancakes, Blanche comes over to ask Gracie to wait at her house for a package from a delivery boy (Dick Bowman) that is arriving for Harry’s birthday. While at the Morton house, Gracie gets a call from Harry’s friend Charlie Hawthorne (Frank Gerstle) telling there that they are planning over to get ‘her husband’ for a surprise birthday party. Consequently, Gracie thinks they are throwing a party for George. Gracie tells George that he’s getting a surprise party and that he needs to stay home. When she tells that to Blanche, she assumes that George and Gracie are throwing him a party. Meanwhile, Harry comes home sulking because none of his co-workers bothered to even mention his birthday, although Blanche tells him that the Burnses are giving him a party. George is driving himself crazy since he can’t figure out who is throwing the party. He tries to trick Gracie into tell him who’s giving the party, by telling her that he’s going out for the night. However, Gracie forgets about the party and tells him there’s no reason to stay home, but she she mentions it to Harry Von Zell, he gives her the idea to have George committed to a sanitarium until it’s time for the party. When the attendant (Myron Healey) shows up to pick up George, he sees Harry Morton in the backyard and nabs him instead. Gracie goes to the sanitarium to pick up George, but only finds Harry. She gets him out, and then he has to talk to the men in white coats to get Gracie out. Eventually the all get the party at George’s house, and find no one else there. Harry finally figures out that it was Charlie Hawthorne – one of his friends – who arranged the party. Harry is relieved that his club didn’t forget him, so they all load up and head to the club for Harry’s party. 8/5/21
• 087. Perry and Pete / Gracie’s Cousins / Sneak Thieves – 7/13/1953
  • Gracie prepares to go shopping for her mother and George gets ready to head to store for cigars, but before Gracie gets out the door, two burglars named Perry (Peter Leeds) and Pete (Richard Erdman) come into the house to rob them. Gracie’s first thought is to feed them after they tell her that they aren’t burglars, but just was looking for something to eat. The guys decide to stick around and take advantage of her stupidity, and think she might point them toward the wall safe. When they tell Gracie that they are cousins, she introduces them as cousins to George and everyone else. This makes everyone think they are Gracie’s cousins. George even invites them to stay in the room above the garage. They come over to meet the Mortons, and wind up stealing his belt and his new silver cigarette case. When they meet Harry Von Zell, they sell him the case and throw in the belt, then pickpocket him. When Harry sees Harry with his cigarette case, they realize that the ‘cousins’ robbed them. Meanwhile, Perry and Pete are stealing loot all over the neighborhood and it is stacking up in the Burns’ garage. Once George realizes what is going on, he calls in a policeman Detective Roach (Anthony Redecki). After Gracie drives him crazy, he catches the Harrys out in George’s garage checking out the stolen items, and he arrests them. George and Gracie identify them, and then warns them all to keep it down, because Perry and Pete are napping upstairs. Detective Roach goes uCp and arrests them off, and winds up hauling them off… without his pants, since his belt has been stolen too. 2/4/22
• 088. Gracie Doing a Picture Without George – 7/20/1953
  • While Gracie is tracking all of the laundry that came back from the cleaners, and planning to send out fish in the next pants pocket so it is cooked for dinner, George is in the living room going through his old scrapbooks. One of the letters he encounters is from 1923 from a promoter who wants George only, without his partner at the time which was Ethel the seal. Gracie finds the letter and assumes it is current, and decides she doesn’t want to stand in George’s way of working solo. She tries to relay this to him in her own jumbled way, and George assumes that Gracie wants to leave and perform without him. When the Morton’s find out that George has been asked to perform without a Gracie, Harry thinks that he would be funny enough on his own, while Blanche thinks that the notion is ridiculous. Gracie tries to come up with a way to get George to leave her, so she takes plot points from the movie Come Back Little Sheba, and gets them completely convoluted, and George can’t make head or tails of what she’s talking about. When this fails, Gracie sends herself a telegram supposedly from Universal, offering her a solo part in the fake film Wilshire Boulevard. As she tries on her wardrobe with Jane, her wardrobe woman, she discovers a leaky pipe and calls in a plumber. George intercepts the telegram and becomes even more worried about his future, but Harry Morton tips him off that Gracie sent herself the telegram. George tries to ask Gracie directly what is going on, but she tries to skirt the issue, by telling him nonsensical anecdotes about her day. Finally, she pulls out the note that she found from 1923 and explains why she was trying to get him to leave. George points out the age of the letter and all is restored to normal. Since the fish never came back from the cleaners, they all decide to go out to eat. The plumber (Lester Dorr) arrives, but George tell him it is too late, since the show is now over. 2/4/22
• 089. Gracie Trying to Get George to Go on a Trip East – 7/27/1953
  • Blanche tells Gracie that she and Harry are going on a trip to New York, and they are bringing along a couple they’ve never met named Mr. (Clarence Straight) and Mrs. Forbes (Kay Wiley). However, when Gracie says she and George would like to go, Blanche talks it over with Harry, who thinks that George would pick up most of the checks. They tell the Forbeses that they are not going on the trip because Harry threw his back out, which angers the Forbeses. When Gracie tells George that they’re going on the trip with the Mortons, he tells Gracie that they’re not going with the Mortons. He later tells the audience that he refuses to travel with Harry because he never picks up the check, eats too much, and is a horrible driver…usually because he is trying to eat while driving. Harry Von Zell tries to help Gracie come up with ideas to get George to change his mind. Meanwhile, George tells the Mortons that he can’t go on the trip, so they bring the Forbeses back into the plans. George gets tired of all of Gracie’s scheming to get the on the trip, so he finally gives in, and tells Harry they will go along after all. The Forbeses are once again forced to accept the cancellation of the trip. Gracie tells them that they are free to come over during the two weeks that they are gone, and use their pool. She also chats with the mailman Mr. Beasley about not delivering the mail when they are gone, and also invites him to use their pool during that time. Later while Harry Von Zell is chatting with George, Gracie overhears Harry sneezing and thinks it is George, so she tells George to go get some medicine and get into bed for the next two weeks. George is delighted he doesn’t have to go to New York with the Mortons, and tells them that he and Gracie are going to be in Palm Springs during the trip to nurse the cold. Harry is irritated but accepts it. With the Mortons gone on the trip, George decides to hang out at his pool, but finds that it is already occupied by the Forbeses, Mr. Beasley, and Mr. Duffy (Dick Elliott) the pharmacist, whom Gracie also invited. Everyone eats all of George’s breakfast, including the Mortons, who cancelled the New York trip and decided to visit George’s pool since they thought George and Gracie were in Palm Springs. 6/11/22
• 090. Gracie Sees a Hold-Up / Johnny Velvet – 8/3/1953
  • Mr. Beasley brings the mail to Gracie, which includes a summons to appear in court as witness to a robbery performed by dangerous gangster Johnny Velvet (Sheldon Leonard). Blanche and Harry Von Zell both show their concern, but George is too busy trying get rid of tickets to a Ronald Reagan Testimonial at the Friar’s Club where he will be singing. When they find out he is singing, they keep giving the tickets back. Johnny Velvet makes a threatening call telling George they need to stay home and that nobody better ‘sing’. George thinks it is someone from the Friars telling him not to sing at the Testimonial. Velvet sends his henchman Lefty (Ben Welden) to kidnap Gracie to keep her from the trial. She leaves a note for George that she’s been kidnapped so he calls Detective Benson (George Eldredge). Gracie enjoys the tuna loaf that Velvet serves her, but can’t grasp not attending the trial. They finally get frustrated with her and send her home. Velvet tells Lefty to kidnap George, thinking that will stop her, but Left accidentally takes Harry Von Zell. Gracie sends all of the return Reagan tickets with Lefty for the mob. Detective Benson shows up and questions Gracie but can’t make any sense of what she is saying. Velvet and Left realize that they have Harry Von Zell, so they release him and come back to get George… only to accidentally take Benson. He also returns the tickets because some of the boys had heard that George was singing. George is puzzled that everyone is getting kidnapped except him. The next person they guys kidnap is Ronald Reagan (himself) himself. He had come over to George’s house to stop him from singing at his dinner. Finally, Velvet decides to go over and kidnap George personally. Another thug (Frederic Berest) flies in from San Francisco after being sent by the mob to help kidnap George. He and Velvet meet at the Burns house, and the thug take Velvet as the prisoner, thinking he is George. After the trial, George reports on the trial to the audience, saying that the judge threw the book at Velvet and sentenced him to spend 48 hours with Gracie, Left quit the racket, and he sang six of his biggest songs at the Reagan testimonial and no one gave him any pushback. In fact, no one showed up. 6/12/22
• 091. George and Gracie Locked Out of Their House – 8/10/1953
  • George and Gracie come home late form a party at Barbara Stanwyck’s house, and even though it is after midnight the phone is ringing on the inside. They use Gracie’s key to get in, and once they do, the phone stops ringing. George comments that the phone always rings when you’re trying to get in, so Gracie wants to test his theory. They go back out, and sure enough, the phone rings… but this time Gracie has left her key inside. They are locked out, so George starts looking for an open window. Gracie rings the bell at the Mortons’ house and the invite her in. Harry loans George some keys to see if any will work, but George only breaks a key off in the door. Harry Von Zell shows up to bring Gracie the compact that she left at the party, and they all wait outside until locksmith Charlie Elliot (Bob Sweeney) arrives. Blanche comes back out and invites them all to wait in their house. On the way, the Harrys talk about how dumb George was to lock themselves out, so Gracie shows them how they did it using the Morton’s door as an example, locking everyone out of both houses. The locksmith arrives and opens the front doors of both houses. Since he makes $3 dollars per hour, and since he says he’s been on the job for ten years, Gracie thinks she owes him millions, so she writes him a check for $300, all she has in her account. She sends Elliot over to the Mortons while she does this, and he leaves his toolbox in the Burns house. Gracie then comes over to give him the check, but has locked herself out again… and the tool box in. Around 4:30 in the morning, George breaks a window to get in and they finally all get to bed. The next morning, Elliot’s wife Mable (Chuckie Bradley) comes over with her husband to get an explanation of why her husband was out all night and came home with $300. She threatens to sue Gracie for the alienation of her husband’s affection. Gracie thinks she is a bunco artist like she has seen on Racket Squad. She calls in George, but calls him John Braddock. George finally clarifies what happens, and Mabel apologizes to her husband. As Gracie and George walk her out, they lock themselves out again. This time the locksmith doesn’t want to get involved, so he drives off. Betty Crocker appears on the show to promote Carnation and her Frosty Fruit Pie. 10/3/22
• 092. Gracie at Department Store – 8/17/1953
  • Gracie has been shopping at the department store, and she gets a call from the claims adjuster Mr. Burke (Lester Matthews) and his assistant Mr. Stevens (Jan Arvan). They ask her about an accident she had in the store when she had a fall and tore her stockings. They are trying to ask if there was any negligence on their part, like possibly a hole in the carpet. They offer her $25 and new pair of stockings. Gracie won’t commit to anything, but she also think that they want the money from her to pay for the hole in the carpet. She asks George for the money, but he wants more details… so she goes to Blanche. She is able to get Harry to commit to the money, but she tells him it has nothing to do with Gracie. He promptly goes over to George’s house and asks him for it. Burke and Stevens come over to the Burns house, while Gracie waits for Blanche to bring the money. When Gracie keeps giving them obtuse answers to their questions, they suspect that she received a head injury. They then up the offer to $300. When she says that amount is ridiculous, they go up to $500. The also ask if they can send their physician Dr. Wilburn (Grandon Rhodes) to check for broken bones, but Gracie thinks they want her to check him for broken bones. Blanche brings the $25 over, Gracie tells her that she now needs $500. When Gracie mentions that there is a doctor involved, Blanche then goes to George and asks him for the $500 for a doctor. George thinks it might be a serious medical issue, so he tells Blanche, he’ll go to the bank and get the money for her. Dr. Wilburn comes to see Gracie, even though Gracie thinks she is supposed to examine him. Gracie explains how she fell, and admits that it was crowded so she yelled fire, then when everyone started to run, she ran with them to see where the fire was. Wilburn calls Burke and tells her that he thinks she must have a concussion and advises him to settle with her any way he can. George thinks that the doctor is Blanche’s doctor, and when he asks about her, he tells George that the lady he saw was as nutty as a fruitcake. When Harry comes home, George tells him that Blanche is brain damaged. This gives Harry that he can be straight man and get rich off of her lunacy. Mr. Stevens calls and raises the settlement to $10,000. Blanche stops by and gives the $500 to Gracie, which was given to her by George. Mr. Burke then comes by and tells George what happened to Gracie, and gives him a check for $10,000, and offers up their doctor to get Gracie ‘fixed’. George tears up the check because her dumbness had always been his meal ticket. NOTE: This is Fred Clark’s last episode in the role of Harry Morton. 10/3/22

SEASON 4

• 093. Morton Buys Iron Deer, Gracie Thinks George Needs Glasses – 10/5/1953
  • Harry Morton (now played by Larry Keating) buys an iron deer for their front porch for $200. Blanch is annoyed by it, and Gracie wants to get a picture atop it before she makes him get rid of it. She climbs on top of it to look for a ladder to climb on it. Mr. Beasley stops by with the mail and Gracie has him pose on top of it like she did so that she can see what she looked like. She goes to get George to show him the iron deer and he says that he ‘can’t see’ him spending $200 on it. Gracie mistakes what he is saying and believes that he is losing his vision. Gracie tells Harry Von Zell about George’s eyesight, so he plans to talk to George, but since George is singing inside, he decides to come back later. Harry comes home and gets hit on the head by Blanche for buying the deer, but Harry explains that it has always represented wealth when he was a boy, so he’s always wanted one. Gracie comes over to tell them about George’s eyesight, and Harry recommends that Gracie get some insurance on George. The insurance man Arthur Stebbins (Pierre Watkin) comes to see Gracie and get the details. He is initially suspicious as to why she’s taking out a policy on him, but then she tells him that she has taken away his car keys so that he doesn’t have an accident. He tells Gracie that George will need to be seen by an eye doctor to ensure that if he needs glasses, he is wearing them. When George comes into the room, Gracie tells George that Stebbins was her old school sweetheart. Stebbins quickly flees and leaves behind yet another hat. Later, Gracie forces George to come home so that she can meet Dr. Merkin (Joseph Kearns), whom she claims to have met at the movies. She tells him an outlandish story about her day at the movies, and then Merkin shows up. He is cross-eyed and clearly needs glasses in order to make the examination. He examines George’s ears thinking that they are his eyes, and when he flashes his light in George’s ears, George tells him that it didn’t make him blink. Merkin tells George that he obviously needs glasses and tells him to come to his office later. After Dr. Merkin leaves, and identifies the fence post as a child, Gracie admits that there was a mix-up. She says that after she told Blanche that he couldn’t see the deer, and that Blanche responded that “maybe he needs glasses”, she was actually talking about the iron deer… which is now sporting a pair of spectacles. 1/29/23
• 094. Gracie Helps Morton Get CPA Account – 10/12/1953
  • Gracie comes home from grocery shopping, and because she is planning on having ‘stewed’ chicken, she brings along a bottle of bourbon. A man named Bob Hill (Howard McNear) stops by to see George so he can give him greetings from a man he once met named Dick Cunningham in Altoona. Gracie has Mr. Hill wait in the den, then keeps forgetting to tell George he is there to see him. Meanwhile, Blanche tells Gracie about a contractor named Mr. Kennedy (Paul Harvey) from Harry’s lodge, who is over speaking to Harry about a potential job as his CPA. Blanche seems to think that Kennedy is giving the job to Jim Ferguson, and bachelor and carouser who runs around with women all of the time. Gracie surmises that perhaps Mr. Kennedy prefers bachelors to married men, so she suggests that Blanche wait until Ferguson comes out and then acts as if she is leaving Harry because he lives his life like a bachelor as well. Blanche laughs off the idea and tells Gracie she’d do just that, but she is going to go get some ginger ale to mix with the bourbon for the chickens. Gracie thinks that she owes Blanche a return favor, so she poses as Harry’s wife and tells Mr. Kennedy the same story, even adding in that Harry drinks a lot of wine, and that he keeps his children in the cellar to do the grape stomping. Kennedy is aghast and tells Harry that he’s going to give the job to Jim Ferguson. Due to what Kennedy says about him, he believes that Blanche really has left him, but when Blanche comes home from shopping, she had no idea what has transpired. She surmises that it was Gracie who posed as hers, based on their conversation from earlier. Harry goes to see Gracie and tells her what trouble she has caused, so Gracie returns and tells Mr. Kennedy that they have gotten back together. Kennedy is then confused when she sees Blanche kiss Harry, and then sees George kiss Gracie. Later, George gets a visit from their neighbor Chester Vanderlip, who is curious about a chicken that stumbled over to their house, jumped in their punch bowl and laid an egg, and then attacked their cat. George explains that the chicken was their dinner and offers to pay for the damages. Vanderlip says not to worry and that anyone living in the neighborhood with Gracie should be carrying chicken insurance. Kennedy and the Mortons straighten everything out, and George offers to take them all out for dinner. As George gets ready to leave, Bob Hill finds him in his car and tells him he’s been waiting in the den since 10am. He gives George the greeting from Dick Cunningham, and George reciprocates and tells him to tell Dick hi… even though he has no idea who he is. 1/30/23
• 095. Gracie Gets a Jury Summons – 10/19/1953
  • Mr. Beasley brings the mail, and after she questions him about his family, she finds that she received a jury summons. George worries how her being gone could affect the show, and Harry Von Zell points out that the only person the show could do without is George himself. Blanche points out to Gracie that a juror needs to have a superior intellect, so Gracie rushes to the courthouse to be selected. She comes home and tells the Mortons that she’s been accepted, but Blanche tries to tell her to give up the notion. Gracie thinks she should look to a lawyer to get some jury lessons. She brings over a lawyer named Mr. Thomas Marshall (Lesther Matthews), but he doesn’t think he can give her lessons. Gracie sits on his briefcase until he will comply. Blanche, Harry Von Zell, Harry Morton, and Mr. Beasley all decide they need to plead with Judge Kramer (Will Wright) to let Gracie out of the jury duty. Blanche tells the judge that Gracie is having a baby, a story that Harry Von Zell tries to support, but he says that Gracie already had the baby. Harry Morton think that the judge said that Blanche had the baby, so Harry says that Gracie is busy watching it. He then says that both ladies are having the baby, and they need to watch each other’s babies. Mr. Beasley says that his daughter is having the baby, so the Judge assumes that Gracie is Mr. Beasley’s daughter. When Judge Kramer tells Gracie that she’s having a baby, she assumes that George was telling everyone that without telling her. He tells Gracie that she will not serve on the jury. Instead of serving on the jury herself, she goes in and watches the courtroom of Judge White. She has plenty to tell George about all of the comments she made during the proceedings, which caused the judge to bang the gavel numerous times. The Mortons and Harry Von Zell all show up with jury summons of their own. When George needs a nutcracker to open up the walnuts, Gracie gives him Judge White’s gavel that she took after his banging it got on Gracie’s nerves. Mr. Beasley shows up with a jury summons as well, but when George says that’s what happens when you stick your nose into other peoples’ business. However, Beasley tells George that the summons belongs to George, not him. 7/11/23
• 096. George Teaches Gracie Not to Be Careless – 10/26/1953
  • When Gracie mislays her purse, George chastises her for being so careless. Gracie enlists Blanche to help her find the purse, and while they are looking, George finds a watch that he bought for Gracie on the drain board, where Gracie put it while she was doing dishes like she always does and asks Harry Morton to hide it in his sugar bowl. Gracie comes back to Blanche’s to tell her about the watches. Gracie stumbles upon the watch in the sugar bowl but feels too bad to tell Blanche that she found something that she stole. Gracie tells Harry Von Zell about the theft, and then mentions that Blanche had just told her that she picked up two dresses at the May Company. Gracie thinks that she and Harry should help her before the May Company finds out that she stole the dresses. Harry wants no part of the plan but is forced to help by Gracie. She makes Harry keep the Mortons occupied while she breaks in to steal the dresses. Harry pretends he wants to tell them a joke, but Harry Morton has heard them all. As soon as Gracie signals him by dropping the coffee pot. Harry stops telling the jokes and rushes away. After Harry and Blanche argue about Blanche spending too much money on the dresses that she bought, Blanche discovers that the dresses are missing and reports their theft to the police. Detective Sawyer realizes that Blanche lives next door to Mrs. Burns and tries to avoid the visit. However, he doesn’t get out of the visit nor out of talking to Gracie. She admits that she the stole the dresses and tells Sawyer that he did it because she’s a kleptomaniac because her husband doesn’t give her enough attention. On his way out, Sawyer berates George for not giving Gracie love and affection and forcing her to become a kleptomaniac and steal two dresses. George tells this to Harry Von Zell, who reveals that he helped her steal teh two dresses, but tells him that Blanche is the kleptomaniac and has stolen the dresses form the May Company and stole Graci’s watch and hid it in the sugar bowl. This entire conversation is overheard by Blanche. She also hears George admit that he had Harry Morton hide the watch in the sugar bowl. Blanche gives Gracie her watch back and told her the entire story. George tries to get the watch back from Harry Morton, but when he can’t find it, George tells him that he is responsible for paying for the watch. When he won’t pay for it, George goes down and buys a $120 watch to replace the $80 missing one. George tries to get Gracie into the kitchen to show her the watch, but Gracie tells him the story about how she waited in line at the May Company to get two dresses that were paid for, only to keep moving up in line quickly when she keeps annoying the customers. Once she gets to the front, she moves to the back to find out what is so interesting back there. That’s where she hears that there was a crazy woman at the front. George then gets her inside and gives her the watch that he just bought. Harry also comes over and, having reconsidered George’s blame, has purchased another watch. Since Gracie only has two arms, she gives the third watch to the Blanche, and they agree that it is great when husbands try to teach their wives a lesson. 7/11/23
• 097. George and Harry Mad at Each Other – 11/2/1953
  • George tells Harry Morton that he ran into a mutual friend named Jim Henderson at a party, and they both realize they have reasons to hate Henderson. As Harry is leaving, Gracie overhears him grumbling about Henderson and thinks that he is talking about George. Likewise, she hears George lambasting Henderson and thinks he’s talking about Harry. Gracie tells Blanche about the fight, and they agree they need to find a way to get them back together so that it won’t affect the ladies’ friendship. Gracie then lets it slip that George had said Harry deserves a medal for marrying Blanche. When she then criticizes George for living off Gracie’s talent, George tells Harry he’s a no-good heel. Harry responds that George is a bum. When Gracie tells Harry Von Zell about the fight going on, Harry tells Gracie about classmates who disliked each other, but then turned out to both hate the same professor and bonded over it. Gracie decides to employ this tactic to get Harry and George reconciled, so she tells both of them that Von Zell had said bad things about both of them, causing them both to throw Von Zell out of their homes. The plan works, and George and Harry reconcile. Meanwhile, one of the neighborhood kids Joey Bagley Jr. (B.G. Norman) comes over to return an air rifle that George gave him and accidentally shoots out Harry Morton’s window. Harry then retaliates by shooting out George’s window. Gracie thinks they can become friends again if George will help Harry with his upcoming speech for the Accountants Club, but Blanche points out that George knows nothing about accounting. Gracie thinks that if she gets George into the Accounting Club, he will be able to help him. Gracie calls the president of the club Mr. Stoneham (Walter Woof King) and invites him over to try to get him a membership. After a trying interview, Stoneham realizes George isn’t qualified. Furthermore, when Gracie tells Stoneham that Harry had recommended George for the club, Stoneham hold Harry responsible. Harry realizes that the fight with George has been a mistake, and that it was the Bagley boy who shot out their window. Blanche then demonstrates how the boy made the mistake, and accidentally shoots out George’s window. George retaliates by shooting out another window at the Morton’s. After Gracie tells George her long tale of her appointment at the dentist, Harry and Blanche show up and give George a box of cigars. George repays them by having Gracie tell them the story of the dentist. 11/8/23
• 098. Gracie Gets a Business Manager – 11/9/1953
  • After George goes over the bills, he tells Gracie that she is not sticking to her budget and is spending too much. When Blanche finds this out, she asks Harry to help her with her finances. He instead suggests that she get a business manager and suggests one named Roger Graham (Johnstone White) San Franciso who is currently in town. Gracie calls him at his hotel, but he tells her that he can’t come right away because a convention is taking over the hotel and he is being forced to move. Gracie invites him to stay with them, but he declines. Meanwhile, Mr. Beasley delivers the mail and Gracie convolutes his story about his expectant daughter with a letter from her mother and thinks that her mother is having the baby. Over at the Mortons’ house, Joe the Tramp (Joseph Kearns) has done some of their lawn work. He had received some encyclopedias from another customer as payment and is trying to sell them, so Mr. Beasley recommends that he visit Gracie. She mistakes him for Mr. Graham and invites him in, and assuming he is going to stay, she feeds him and puts him into one of George’s suits. George doesn’t think that they need a business manager and tells Gracie to send him on his way, then calls Harry Von Zell to throw him out. When Blanche comes over and realizes that their lawn man is posing as Mr. Graham. She runs home and tells Harry to go over and throw out the imposter. In the meantime, the real Roger Graham shows up at the house. When Gracie tells Graham that Roger Graham is already inside, Graham shows her his credentials. Gracie then tells Joe, who is relaxing by the pool, that he needs to leave. Joe apologizes for not correcting her when she erroneously told him he was Roger Graham. When Harry sees what Joe did to their lawn, he finally agrees to go throw him out of the Burns’ house. When he gets there, he throws out the real Roger Graham, who thinks that Harry is George. As he is leaving, George catches him outside and invites him back in to clear up the mistake. After Gracie shows Joe out of the house, Gracie, Blanche, Harry, and George attempt to explain what happened, just as Harry Von Zell shows up to try and throw out Graham. 11/9/23
• 099. Raccoon Coat Story – 11/16/1953
  • After Harry Von Zell tells Gracie about his blind date with a woman named Gladys and manages to fend off her suggestion that they are getting married, he goes over to the Mortons’ house and has to tell Blanche the same thing. Blanche asks Harry to take her husband’s raccoon coat and hide it at George and Gracie’s place, hoping he won’t realize that it is gone since she has long wanted to get rid of it. Harry immediately realizes that the coat is gone and demands it back, so Blanche tells him that it is at the cleaners. Gracie finds the coat and decides to give it to Mr. Miller (Syd Saylor), their gardener, to cut up and give to his children. When Blanche comes to get the coat back from Gracie, she tries to retrieve it from Mr. Miller but is unable to find it. She asks George where she can find a raccoon coat, but he says he gave his away thirty years ago. When Mr. Beasley comes to deliver an empty package from Gracie’s mother, who has sent it to test the new stamps, Gracie asks him as well. He tells her that Professor Hopkins (Lester Matthews) from UCLA has a raccoon coat, so Gracie goes to see him. Gracie plans to buy the coat, and Harry Von Zell recommends that if he won’t sell it, that she asks to borrow it in order to get Harry Morton off Blanche’s back temporarily. Professor Hopkins tells Gracie that he couldn’t bring himself to sell the coat as it is the last item he has that keep the memory of his college days at Yale alive. When Gracie tells him that George also went to Yale, Hopkins agrees to lend her the coat. She puts it in the closet, where it is found by Jane. Assuming that it is the original coat that Gracie wanted to give to Mr. Miller, she presents it to Miller and tells him to cut it up and make smaller coats for his kids. Gracie tells Blanche that she retrived the coat, so the Mortons come over to get it, only to find that it is gone. Professor Hopkins comes at the same time to get something out of the pocket of his coat, and both men learn that their coats have been given away to cut up to make smaller coats. However, Mr. Miller brings both coats back to Gracie and tells him that his kids are scared of it. Both Harry Morton and Professor Hopkins try on their coats, receiving laughter from everyone about how absurd they look… even to themselves. 3/17/24
• 100. Gracie Thinks Harry Is Broke – 11/23/1953
  • Harry Von Zell stops by to borrow $50 from George, and while he is there, George asks him to drop his suit off at the dry cleaners. Gracie overhears Harry thanking him for the money, and thinks that he has asked George for one of his suits because he is broke. Gracie tells Mr. Beasley that one of her good friends is broke, and he suggests calling the state welfare department. She get hold of agents Mr. Mitchell (John Galludet) and Bob Blake (Jan Arvan), and in order to help his qualify for money, she tells them that she is his wife and that they will have kids by the time they get there. They also ask for a neighbor as a reference, so Gracie gives them Blanche’s name. Blanche tells Harry that she got a call from the State Welfare department and that Harry Von Zell is broke all while Harry is taking pictures of Blanche with his camera that doesn’t have any film in it. Gracie tries to ask George to help out Harry by paying him more, but he thinks Gracie is asking him for money. He tries to explain to her using cigars that she gets half of his money, and then he gets half of hers, leaving her 25% of their money. Gracie finally explains to George that Harry is broke, and George surmises that he lost it all playing the stock market. Harry Von Zell overhears the conversation and thinks that they are talking about Harry Morton. Mr. Mitchell and Mr. Blake show up at the house and question why Gracie would need welfare money when they have a pool and a nice car in the garage. Gracie confuses them in her normal manner, and they leave without their hats. George arranges a benefit for Harry through the Friars club and sends Gracie and Blanche out to sell tickets. As Gracie is explaining all of the reasons that she didn’t sell any tickets, Harry Von Zell shows up and yells at George for telling everyone he is broke, causing people to send him their old clothes. Likewise, Harry Morton has also been receiving clothes because people think that he is broke. George is disappointed that he won’t be able to perform his numbers in the benefit since there is no need to have it now. 3/18/24
• 101. Gracie Going to San Francisco – 11/30/1953
  • Gracie is planning on going to San Francisco for a week to visit with her parents, and she plans to hire a housekeeper to look after George. Chester Vanderlip from the bank stops by to ask Gracie about some of the stranger checks that she has recently deposited. He refuses to relinquish his hat, as he has recently lost seven or eight of them. He gets Gracie’s usual obtuse answers on the checks and then head out. Gracie returns his stack of hats to him that he had left there. Blanche complains to Harry that she will miss Gracie while she is gone. Gracie stops by to say he final goodbye, interrupting Harry while he is doing his work. Although he asks for quiet, Gracie starts whispering loudly. After she leaves, Blanche keeps talking, nearly driving Harry crazy. With Harry’s attitude, Blanche decides to go with Gracie on the trip. Mrs. Evans (Verna Felton) from the employment agency shows up to interview with Gracie. She nearly wears out her erasure as she makes notes and has to erase them as she realizes how dumb Gracie’s instructions are. Harry offers to bring over some friends once Gracie leaves, but George see he has a lot of work to do. However, when he realizes that they can all harmonize, George quickly changes his mind. As George and Harry start singing Tell Me Your Dream, Mrs. Evans joins them and harmonizes. While waiting for Blanche to come over so they can leave, Gracie tells George about all of the characters that she met while buying her train tickets to San Francisco. Blanche shows up, and they get ready to leave, when a telegram messenger (Leon Tyler) brings her a Western Union message from Gracie’s mother telling her that she is on her way from San Francisco on a train arriving later that day. Gracie says she’s been trying to remember all day whether she was supposed to visit her mother in San Francisco or whether her other was coming there. Gracie said she didn’t worry about it because she figured she could ask her mother when she got to San Francisco. George and Harry plan to go out for a night on the town now that their wives are gone, but they ultimately decide to fly up and meet the wives in San Francisco, not realizing they were at Blanche’s house and had never left. Once the meet up again, George speculates that Gracie must’ve missed him too much and had returned. George is surprised when Gracie’s mother pulls up in a cab, and says it looks like he’ll be spending some time at the YMCA. 7/30/24
• 102. Gracie Thinks George Is Retiring from Show Business – 12/7/1953
  • George gets a local collect call from Jack Benny about the appearance that he is going to make on his show. When Jack tells him that he can’t sing the four songs that he planned to sing, and in fact, can’t sing at all, George tells him to tear up his contract for the appearance because he is quitting. Gracie overhears this last part of the conversation and thinks that George is quitting show business altogether. Gracie starts looking for things for George to do in his retirement. She turns to Mr. Beasley who tells her that his recently retired friends Chuck and Mabel was now living in a cabin at Arrowhead. The word gets back to Harry Von Zell and Blanche, so Harry decides to tell George that even though he has a contract with him, he isn’t going to hold him to it. Harry asks George to see his contract and then rips it up. George thinks that it is Harry who wants to retire and assumes that Harry has found another job. In reality, George doesn’t think he can retire because he loves show business so much. Harry tells Blanche that he’d like to retire so that he can spend his time hunting. George stops by and says he is upset because Jack Benny insulted his singing. Harry tells him that unlike Benny, George doesn’t need mechanical assistance to sound terrible. Gracie meets with Mr. Beasley’s friends Chuck Fuller (Will Wright) and his wife Mabel (Mabel Albertson), and she offers to trade their house for the cabin at Arrowhead. Mr. Fuller doesn’t feel right about making the deal, but his wife nudges him to take advantage of the deal. Gracie starts to tell George about the deal she made with the Fullers, but George sets her straight and insists that he’s not quitting show business. When Gracie tells Harry Von Zell what is going on, he panics about tearing up his contract. Gracie speaks to a lawyer named Larry Heath (Frank Wilcox) to see if she can void the contract. He suggests that Gracie settles with the Heaths for a few thousand dollars. When George walks in on them talking, Gracie acts like she wants Heath to get her brother Jim out of jail. Later, George tries to get Harry Morton to pose as her husband when the Fullers arrive, but he refuses. George starts to put the information together about what is going on but doesn’t worry too deeply and wagers that everything will be settled by the end of the episode. Gracie asks George if she’s like to trade their house for the cabin at Arrowhead, and he says that he would not like it. She keeps trying to find reasons to talk him into taking the cabin at Arrowhead. The Fullers show up to see when Gracie wants to move into their cabin, but Gracie pretends that Blanche is Mrs. Burns and that she is Mrs. Burns’ nurse who is helping her tend to her amnesia. Mr. Fuller accuses Gracie of committing forgery. George then enters the room and is surprised to learn that Blanche is his wife and learns about the contract. George takes a look at it and tells the Fullers that it looks like a great idea to trade homes but says that the cabin will have to be put on the roof of an apartment building in San Francisco. The Fullers then think that he is nuts too, so they make a hasty exit. Although Gracie doesn’t realize what has happened, George reminds the audience that everything was straightened out like he said. 7/31/24
• 103. George and Gracie Going to Rose Marie Premiere – 12/14/1953
  • George has obtained four tickets to the premiere of the latest Rose Marie film that night, which will be followed by dinner at Romanoff’s, compliments of Mervyn LeRoy. George tells Gracie how difficult the tickets were to come by. Harry Von Zell stops by to pick up a script and Gracie tells him about the premiere. He tells her about his latest girlfriend Pamela McGrath (Ruth Brady). George offers Harry the two additional tickets so that he and Pamela can go. Meanwhile, Gracie offers the tickets to the Mortons. Blanche is anxious to go to the show, but Harry thinks the dress she has picked out is too skimpy. Besides, he has purchased a new book and wants to stay at home and read it. However, when Blanche goes on about how terrific he looks in his tuxedo, Harry agrees to go along as well. Fortunately, George is able to obtain two more tickets from Mervyn LeRoy, and Gracie gets two additional tickets from Dore Schary. When Mr. Beasley delivers the mail that afternoon, Gracie offers tickets to him and his wife Maude (Kay Riley), and although he worries about fitting in his old formal tuxedo, he accepts the tickets as well. Mervyn LeRoy’s assistant Rose DeLuca (Kay Baker) stops by to deliver the tickets, and when she tells Gracie that she has to answer a dozen of LeRoy’s letters, Gracie thinks they are all from LeRoy and that he is in love with her. She tries her best to keep Rose at the house to talk about this. Rose is saved by a phone call from Mr. Vanderlip at the bank, to whom Gracie offers two more tickets. Gracie takes the tickets to Mr. Vanderlip, and as they have tea and sandwiches before the premiere, Gracie tells George how she met many strangers in the parking lot at the bank, where Gracie has blocked everyone in with her car. Harry Morton picks everyone up and they meet at George and Gracie’s house. Mr. Vanderlip tells George that his wife cannot come since she is visiting her mother. George suddenly realizes that they are exactly one ticket short. He sends Gracie along to sit with Mr. Vanderlip and tells everyone that he has to change his tie and will be there later. He remarks to the audience that a comedy show shouldn’t have a sad ending, but this one should tug at everyone’s heart strings. 12/6/24
• 104. Problem Husbands – 12/21/1953
  • Gracie’s wardrobe woman Jane comes over to see Gracie and tells her privately that she and her husband are having problems because she makes more money than her husband Charlie. Gracie doesn’t know how to help Jane with the issue, so she turns to Harry Von Zell for advice. He tells her that she can’t really help because she and George has never had the same problems. Gracie then deduces that if she had the same problem as Jane, she might be better equipped to help her. Gracie decides to get her own booking agent so that she can make extra money. She tells part of this plan to Blanche, who fears that Gracie is unhappy in her marriage. When she asks Gracie if there is another woman involved, Gracie says yes, but she is referring to Jane. Blanche gives her husband a big kiss, as she realizes how lucky she is to have a man who never strays. She also mentions that if she had asked him to get a job, he would never allow it… but Harry surprises her that he thinks it would be delighted if she got a job. They start to argue, until Harry suggests that they start the conversation over with her entering the room and giving him a big kiss. Gracie has booking agent Jerry Zeitman (Peter Leeds) come over and discuss potential jobs for her. However, when Gracie mentions that George would be furious if he knew about this, Zeitman quickly flees the house, leaving his house behind. George gets wind from his agent that Gracie is looking for solo jobs, and he buys her some flowers and a giant box of candy in order to get on her good side. Blanche thinks that George is buying all of the gifts because he’s been running around with other women and is trying to clear himself. Neither Harry can envision George acting like a wolf. Blanche goes to talk to Gracie and see all of the flowers that George has sent. When Blanche asks if George has ever said anything about another woman, Gracie mentions a redhead that George and director Freddie de Cordova went to lunch with at the Brown Derby. Gracie finally tells George the real reason that she is looking for extra jobs. George advises that Gracie tells Jane to quit her job in order to restore harmony in their house. When Gracie calls Jane, she finds out that Jane is now planning to leave Charlie. Gracie decides to leave George so that she can help her again. Gracie says that she and Jane can open a dress shop up north, with Jane selling the dresses and Gracie buying them. Blanche works with both Harrys to try and get George and Gracie back together. Harry Von Zell offers to dress up like the redheaded homewrecker. Harry does this, but by the time he gets over to the Burns’ house, Jane is already there and telling them that she and Charlie have reconciled, and everything is fine. Gracie knows that the ‘redhead’ is Harry and doesn’t even seem to notice what he is wearing. 12/6/24

SEASON 5

• 133. George Invites Critics to Watch First Show of the Season – 10/4/1954
  • While shopping at a bookstore, Gracie misunderstands a comment from Blanche about how strangers would provide better feedback about their first show of the season, so Gracie begins inviting strangers to their house to watch the show. Unbeknownst to her, George has invited the television editors from Variety and Hollywood Reporter to watch the show alone with them. When George can’t get any information from Gracie on how to call the strangers to cancel, he decides to have the reporters over at the Mortons’ house. Blanche however diverts the strangers to her house, so George and the reporters go back to the Burns house, followed by the strangers. They end up watching the show (which just shows George and Gracie dancing) on the TV at a local bar. The reporters look bored, especially after one suggests that the situations that they were just in would make a fine episode. Harry Von Zell promotes B.F. Goodrich, who will sponsor next week’s show, in addition to Carnation. Donald Curtis is Leo Guild, Ross Elliot is Jack Hellman, and Irene Tedrow is the lady in the book store. NOTE: This is the only episode of the series that was filmed and broadcast in color. 3/11/14 (online)

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