The Terrible Catsafterme

SEASON 1 – HBO/CBC TELEVISION

Theme song: “Having an Average Weekend” by Shadowy Men on a Shadowy Planet

• 000. Pilot – 10/16/1988
  • You Millionaires! – Millionaires root through the garbage
  • Guys on a Break – Guys who work in a meat-packing plant chat about women while on break. But the receptionist they were talking about turns out to be one of their sisters.
  • Crush Your Head Part 1 – A man crushes heads using forced perspective
  • Brian’s Bombshell – A mother talks about the bombshell that her son Brian dropped on her and her husband Gordon, that he is a homosexual. Gordon imagines Brian with his boyfriend Atilla.
  • Cabbage Head – A man with a cabbage for his head tries to make his case to sleep with a woman
  • Crying Guy – A crying man recounts his failed relationship, where it is revealed that he cries through everything
  • Crush Your Head Part 2 – The headcrusher goes to work on the crying guy
  • Rusty – A boy distracts his elderly mother to hit on her elderly friend Mrs. Wilson… and it is revealed that she wasn’t the first when Mrs. Bemish shows up.
  • David Foley’s Power/Mark McKinney’s Confession – David Foley steps out of character from the previous sketch and reveals that he has the power to induce honesty in his fellow man. Mark McKinney confesses that he did ‘something’ at the mine, but doesn’t know what he is confessing to
  • Crush Your Head Part 3 – The headcrusher goes after an elderly lady, but she is saved by a fellow headcrusher and the two wage a war of headcrushing
  • But Do You Love *Me*? – After several dates a woman asks her man if he loves her. The man loves nearly everything about her, but doesn’t love her. He draws a parallel with a tree.
  • Buddy Cole – Buddy talks about searching for love in Baghdad
  • Naked for Jesus – A man discusses the latest fad that he and his girlfriend are participating in, which is spreading to others who are getting naked for Jesus
  • Reg – A group of guys sit around a fire and affectionately discuss their dead friend Reg. They end up recounting how they murdered him.
  • Crush Your Head Part 4 – The headcrusher considers retiring until he sees Cabbage Head – NOTE: This episode is 48 minutes. 3/11/15

• 001. Episode #1.1 – 10/24/1989
  • Call Girls – Girls call each other and both answer before it rings
  • The Eradicator – A masked man talks trash to his racquetball competitors
  • Ballet – A dance teacher selects an inept dancer instead of a graceful one as a practical joke
  • Crushing Your Head Part 2 – A man named Mr. Tyzik (Mark McKinney) is caught crushing heads using forced perspective
  • Cause of Cancer – David Foley introduces Bruce McCulloch as the cause of cancer
  • Pear – A pear results in a nightmare within a nightmare within a nightmare within a nightmare
  • Kathie and the Blues Guy – A blues musician named Mississippi Gary explains how he got the blues so bad
  • Crushing Your Head Part 3 – Headcrusher goes after a kid – 12/27/13
    
• 002. Episode #1.2 – 10/31/1989
  • Thirty Helens 1 – “Love hurts”
  • Sketch Comedy – Dave Foley explains sketch comedy in terms of Spain and France claiming a man’s chest for colonization
  • Thirty Helens 2 – “Honesty in the best policy”
  • Cabbage Head: Restaurant – Cabbage Head tries to seduce his date
  • Tractor – Kids salute a tractor by forming one at a sporting event
  • Sarcastic Guy – A guy named Derek (Kevin McDonald) encounters a guy at a party who can’t help but to sound sarcastic in everything he says
  • Buddy’s Better – A flamboyant lounge singer named Buddy Cole (Scott Thompson) gives a narrative about stereotypes
  • Thirty Helens 3 – “You can’t pay too much for a good pair of shoes”
  • Womyn – A group of guys playing poker discuss their problems as women – 12/28/13
• 003. Episode #1.3 – 11/7/1989
  • Gunslinger II – Not much call for a gunslinger…unless he’s peddling snacks on bike
  • Gorilla – Inept electricians run afoul of a gorilla, who unmasks to reveal he is Kevin McDonald who talks about the plight of the gorilla
  • Hey Man – A group of toughs harass a businessman in black and white
  • Citizen Kane – Two friends discuss a movie but one of them can’t remember the name
  • Contact Lenses – In film noir fashion, Mark tells the story of a man who removes his contact lenses after leaving 7-11
  • Hey Man 2 – The toughs invade the businessman’s dinner at home
  • Salty Ham – A husband wakes up in the middle of the night and tries to hydrate while complaining to his wife about the dinner she made
  • Hey Man 3 – The toughs harass the businessman at his funeral – 1/1/14
• 004. Episode # 1.4 – 11/14/1989
  • Déjà Vu – A hooligan in the middle of a street fight has déjà vu
  • Asshole – Two friends decide what movie to see, but one of the guys brings a friend who may or may not be an asshole
  • The Daves I Know – Bruce sings a song about everyone he knows named Dave
  • Menstruation – Dave discusses his good attitude toward menstruation
  • House Rules – A man locked out of his house changes the rules and makes the outside the inside
  • The Dinner – A kid comforts his parents when the family gets transferred
  • Sick of the Swiss – A man named Ed is sick of the Swiss and he has good reasons
  • Country Doctor – A doctor visits a very sick man in the country but can’t get past the kitchen, while the wife is forced to fend off death – 1/1/14
• 005. Episode #1.5 – 11/21/1989
  • Indian Drum – One man has lost his Indian drum, while the man on the floor above him has found his Indian drum
  • Geralds – Two lawyers named Gerald negotiate a date for their clients
  • Crushing Disco 1 – Mr. Tyzik crushes the heads of those waiting to get into a discotheque
  • Good Grampa – A family discusses Grampa’s first poop in four years, which the dog eats
  • Explore Scott – A naked Scott advertises spending your summer vacation discovering his body
  • Are Extraterrestrials Dull? – Dave Foley presents first-hand accounts of people who have been abducted by aliens and found them very boring
  • Elvis – After a landlord breaks up a party where they are playing Peanuts music too loud, causing a tenant to lament the fact that Elvis Presley is not his landlord and imagines life if he were
  • Crushing Disco 2 – Mr. Tyzik crushes the head of a bouncer who won’t let in a loser and then tends to a drunk girl after a night at the disco – 1/19/14
• 006. Episode #1.6 – 12/5/1989
  • Thirty Helens 1 – Tattoos aren’t for everyone
  • Bored Robbers – The world’s most unenthusiastic robber robs the world’s most unenthusiastic man and is stopped by the world’s most unenthusiastic policeman
  • Running Faggot – A song about a great folk hero is sung by two church boys
  • Thirty Helens 2 – only 29 agree that promptness is important; one is late
  • Flogging – A stressed-out businessman who enjoys firing people is taken to the gym by his friend for a flogging
  • The Trucker – A man tells his history the history of how he built his truck empire
  • Can I Keep Him? – A boy gets permission from his Mom to keep a businessman named Mr. Stevenson as his pet. Eventually he has to let him go back with the other businessmen, but his mother makes up for it by buying him some cooked oatmeal to keep as a pet, which he names Mr. Stevenson II – 1/21/14
• 007. Episode #1.7 – 12/12/1989
  • Hotel La Rut – Women thinking of Tony, where he could be, who he is with, what he is thinking, if he’s thinking of her, and wondering whether he will ever return someday
  • Plummet – A group of guys defy the odds of dying while parasailing. Mark McKinney compares the odds to marriages that end in divorce.
  • Hotel La Rut 2 – The Tony girls get violent with the wine borrower, and the bellhop continues to get tipped heavily
  • First Poem – Youth angered by Mom and Dad writes his first poem. It bombs, so he turns to music, which helps him get a girl.
  • Fletcher Christian – Shoe salesman highlights the differences between his life and that of the famous sailor of the same name
  • Hotel La Rut 3 – The tipping customer has an affair with the Tony girl, but he can’t stop thinking about him either
  • Joymakers – Nina from Joymakers tries to help arrange a surprise party for a group of inept businessmen who can’t understand the concept of a surprise party. Nina ultimately wonders about Tony too… 2/11/14
• 008. Episode #1.8 – 12/19/1989
  • Ping Pong – Running commentary during a game: “I told you to look out for it.”
  • The Vacation – A couple get ready for vacation but have to attend to their son Brian who didn’t come home all night because he was drinking the beer that the father bought for him
  • Ping Pong 2 – “Wanna Know Who I’m For?”
  • Chain Gang – Two guys ina fancy restaurant recognize another guy with whom they used to be in a chain gang. He is a food critic now.
  • Banker Doesn’t Like Us – Two guys who are refused a loan think it’s because the banker doesn’t like them, so they hang themselves in front of her house
  • Dinosaurs – A gay man talks about how various dinosaurs have been ruining his nights at the night clubs
  • Ping Pong 3 – “My Turn to play?”
  • Tony Comes to Dinner – A girl brings home her black boyfriend and misinterprets everything her parents say for being racist
  • Banker Doesn’t Like Us 2 – The guys that were denied loans bicker while hanging in their nooses – 2/12/14
• 009. Episode #1.9 – 1/2/1990
  • A Place to Die – Dave goest to the house he was born just in case he dies. It’s a wait-and-see thing.
  • Secretaries – Secretaries Cathy and Kathy have a case of the Mondays and gossip about the temp Tanya
  • A Place to Die 2 – The doctor vists Dave at the place he wants to die to let him know that the x-rays were faulty
  • Preacher – Comedians use the preacher character, but the critics are saying that it is no longer funny
  • Weston – Weston gives us the dish from his bed on Hollywood stars Tina Yothers, Dick Sargent, Robert Vaughn, and Prince. His friend Virgil calls to talk about Rob Lowe’s home video.
  • A Place to Die 3 – A buddy brings Dave to his house to die and breaks him in through the window
  • Teddy Bears’ Picnic – A father tells his son a bedtime story, but the son questions its validity. He also tells his wife fairy tales to cover up the affair he is having. 3/25/14
• 010. Episode #1.10 – 1/9/1990
  • Hoopla – An undercover security guard accuses a group of friends having lunch of creating hoopla and confiscates their salt, which turns out to be a ploy.
  • McGillicutty and Green – Green is the worst straight man ever in this Vaudeville duo, when he keeps explaining the punchlines
  • Wake Up! – Two ne’er-do-well brothers visit their sister to ask if it’s okay to eat a meatball sandwich they found in the garbage
  • MacIntyre Name – The name is blemished after one of the grows a tail
  • One Step at a Time – Taking a relationship one step at a time, until she leaves him
  • Nobody Likes Us – Two sad guys lead a chorus on the bus…then eat worms out of their briefcases
  • McGillicutty and Kurosawa – McGillicutty gets a new partner, but he only speaks Japanese and then attacks him with a cane
  • Three for the Moon – Three friends sit on a rooftop and pontificate poetically about the moon. 3/25/14
• 011. Episode #1.11 – 1/16/1990
  • Night of the Living Dead – A zombie crossing guard and soda jerk slowly chase a couple through the woods and are killed when hit with the woman’s shoes
  • Can Never Go Home – A gay man who is punched by his boyfriend passes out and dreams of a woman he wants stood up who has become a lesbian.
  • Thirty Helens Coleslaw – “Cole slaw deserves another chance”
  • Under Control – A business meeting is interrupted by a blazing fire, but the head of the meeting tries to convince everyone that everything is under control and continues the presentation
  • Gunslinger I – A gunslinger killed a man to watch him die, but got distracted and missed it
  • Star-Crossed Lovers – A man pontificates on the difference between he and his woman and Romeo & Juliet
  • Thirty Helens Hawaii – “Hawaii was better before”
  • Barbershop – Yarn-spinner Clem’s tales come to an end when his haircut does. 7/12/14
• 012. Episode #1.12 – 1/23/1990
  • Turning Over – Secretary Cathy’s head-odometer turns over to 0 as she types away
  • Mood Swing – A man in a bad mood accuses his wife of being in a bad mood until her good mood turns bad and his mood turns good
  • Billy Dreamer 1 – While getting chewed out by his boss, William daydreams that his boss is much nicer
  • Folk Music – Dave plays some feel-good folk music…or rather talks about it and tunes his guitar until the strings snap
  • Who’s Gay in Hollywood? – Two movie fan scrapbookers discuss who in Hollywood is gay
  • Billy Dreamer 2 – Billy dreams about owning a bean bag chair while watching MTV with his friends
  • Skoora! – A man checks into an inn where all of the guests are mutilated in some way, all victims of Skoora the gentle shark. 7/12/14
• 013. Episode #1.13 – 1/30/1990
  • Signs of Loneliness – One-man drinking contests, hookers working for free, bachelors on a bar phone, babies eating alone…
  • Networking – Some clumsy networking starts a buzz that Nick is the ‘hot guy’
  • Lopez 1 – Standing outside a house yelling for Lopez
  • Fat Hitch-hiker – A driver dishes out every fat joke he can think of to a skinny hitchhiker
  • Lopez 2 – Drinking coffee, still waiting for Lopez
  • No Regrets – A man goes off on everyone in a diner, but stops before he says something he’ll regret
  • The Lamp –  A man has to break it to his friend’s wife that her husband Mike was killed by a lamp, but ends up having to tell his little boy Donnie
  • Lopez 3 – The waiting man makes up a song about Lopez’s laziness
  • Indian Woman – John breaks it to his mother that he is going to become an Indian woman, then goes out with another Indian women to learn the ways of an Indian woman. His dad dies of shock, especially after an Indian man asks for his son’s hand, and ultimately comes back as John’s baby.
  • Lopez 4 – It’s night and Lopez still hasn’t come out, so the man throws a rock through the window and starts a fire. He yells for Lopez to come out but he doesn’t. Finally Lopez comes up from behind him. 9/2/14
• 014. Episode #1.14 – 4/3/1990
  • Editor’s Intro – Fast talking book editors take a break to go for a walk
  • Editors (Film) – As they walk, they edit the neighborhood…and each other’s clothing
  • Break Up – A teen tries to escape from hearing the name Laura, who just broke up with him. His life becomes a music video about her. Laura comes back and they get back together. Then the editors show up and cut the parents…then the scene.
  • I Lied – A man whose dying father made him promise not to sell the farm admits that he lied when he agreed
  • Dull Death – A man tells his golf buddy how he died and came back to life, but it bores the friend because it keeps happening over and over again. He dies again and this time he becomes a ghost.
  • I’m a Cat – A man relates his tales as a cat to the jazz music of his fellow human cats
  • My Routine – The routines of a golf pro, a songwriter, a construction worker, a surgeon and a guy who sets his shirt on fire
  • Schoolroom – A stammering teacher puts his class to sleep when he talks about the Mesozoic era, and then has a date with his Russian girlfriend who commits suicide because she fears someone is following her
  • Editors Finale – The editors cut themselves from the scene. 9/5/14
• 015. Episode #1.15 – 4/10/1990
  • Death Row – “All the girls want to know, who’s the cutest boy on death row?”
  • White Guy – A white blues singer tells about an encounter with a cow. Mark McKinney then breaks character and admit he is from Vermont and knows nothing about the blues experience.
  • Crazy Love – Two guys in a martini bar talk about how they love all women…before throwing drinks in each others’ faces
  • Buddy’s Island – Buddy Cole reveals who he’d like to have on a desert island with him: Oscar Wilde. They then get in an argument.
  • Captain Alan – A bar-hopper getting a parking ticket tries to pass himself off as an officer
  • Mechanic – A foul-mouthed car mechanic reveals his secrets and his beautiful blonde hair
  • Baby – A couple who can’t have a baby tries to take the baby of a woman they meet in the park. They let the baby decide who he wants. The original mother runs off with him, so the couple steal the baby carriage. 10/4/14
• 016. Episode #1.16 – 4/17/1990
  • Floater – A businessman contemplates how his life came to floating on a barrel in the middle of a lake
  • Is He? – Two office ladies discuss whether a new employee named Howard is gay
  • Thirty Helens: Pens – If you want to remember something, write it down. Pens are good.
  • Manny Coon – Manny addresses the graduating class of the Ontario College of Art about his hardships and how he got into art.
  • Thirty Helens: Minds – Great minds think alike. (But fools seldom differ)
  • Bass Player – A singer analyzes his bass player
  • Compensation – A frustrated construction worker is taught about the pros and cons of going on workman’s compensation
  • Thirty Helens: Disagree – “Can’t we just agree to disagree?”
  • Power of My Cock – A man with a ‘cock’ complex throws his wife out until she can recognize its power. 10/4/14
• 017. Episode #1.17 – 4/24/1990
  • Boo! – An author writes a book with one word: Boo! He follows it up with Hey, There’s a Spider on Your Back
  • Dracula – A man brings his friend home after a hockey game, and then reveals himself to be gay and dresses up like Dracula
  • The Middle – Kevin introduces a sketch that only has a middle. It includes a cowboy, a mayor dog hanging from the ceiling, a man in scuba gear, and a man dressed as a ballerina
  • Crushing Girlfriend – The head crusher tries to put on a finger play for his girlfriend, but she just wants cab money. She introduces “nobody home” finger play.
  • Mass Murderer – The ‘mass’ part is the difficult thing and he is now questioning his career choice
  • B & K – Cutting edge vaudeville act Mr. B and Mr. K, with many hints that they are depressed
  • Beautiful Women – The Darcy Pannell Show with guest designer Christian Renoir showing off some hideous items from the new line. 11/5/14
• 018. Episode #1.18 – 5/1/1990
  • Love Me – A man who is grilling out is approached by a man in a leather jacket who needs love
  • Stinky Pink – Barbara breaks it to her son Shawn that his father is leaving and she is dying her hair pink
  • Premise Beach – Surf rock tune about a man who ran for public office with a meat hand
  • Crouton – A hillbilly tells the kids about the largest crouton he’s ever seen
  • Olympics – Pole vaulter Martin Bloomdale becomes the last member of the American Olympics team when other teams are either killed or taken hostage. Martin is hit by a shot-put.
  • Premise Beach 2 – People whose heads resembled beautifully wrapped presents
  • Shitty Soup – It’ s the most famous item at Maureen’s Cuisine and a man can’t get a single bite down. Scott Thompson addresses the crowd to admit he’s gay, and that he has a responsibility to play gay waiters respectfully
  • He’s Gone – A man is falling for a woman named Miriam, until things get uncomfortable when a fly lands on his face and he won’t flick it off. 11/5/14
• 019. Episode #1.19 – 5/8/1990
  • Hey Baby – Be cool with the cat calls; don’t let her know you want her
  • Island Boys – An irresponsible native is given heck by his brother about him growing up and passing the rites of manhood…which will not be a trivia contest
  • Can’t Kill Rock – A student addresses Mr. Gorgenchuck about how rock and roll will never die. Gorgenchuck argues that rock is in fact dying.
  • Tarantula – A hippie brings a date home to his house, where she accidentally steps on one his tarantulas Fred. The other tarantula seeks revenge by trying to push a brick on her head, but it ends up getting smashed by the brick
  • Cat’s Away – Two guys’ girlfriends head to Mexico, so they go on a dancing tour around the country. When it’s time for the girls to come back, they have to go back out and clean up the country.
  • Mutilated – A man demands that his foreskin be returned
  • Car Ride – A man brags about how good life is in his car, until the hood pops up and his hair starts falling out…but he still has his radio.
  • Owww – An insurance company manager reluctantly has to fire an employee named Monique who is setting fire to things. 12/7/14
    
• 020. Episode #1.20 – 5/15/1990
  • Fat Man – Two peeping toms sings a song about a fat man they spy chewing on his toes
  • How We Met – On Stu and Randi’s anniversary, they tell how they met during a pie eating contest. 
  • Thirty Helens: Photos – There’s a time and a place to show photos of your children
  • Bank People – A bank employee lists his grievances, while periodically breaking into a dance
  • Double Date – Two downers take out one girl on a double date. One does a magic trick and produces his liver from his mouth
  • Buddy Is Canadian – Buddy talks about being gay and Canadian
  • Buddy Holly – A drunk and rude Buddy Holly is rude to everyone before boarding his plane on a rainy night. He also lets his monkey fly it.
  • Thirty Helens: Helens – A Helen is a Helen
  • Dr. Seuss Bible – A pastor talks through the story of Jesus in the style of Dr. Suess. 12/7/14
• 000. Compilation – 5/22/1990
  • NOTE: This is a compilation of skits from the first season
  • Death Row – “All the girls want to know, who’s the cutest boy on death row?”
  • The Banker Doesn’t Like Us – Two guys who are refused a loan think it’s because the banker doesn’t like them, so they hang themselves in front of her house
  • Buddy’s Better – A flamboyant lounge singer named Buddy Cole gives a narrative about stereotypes
  • Crushing Your Head Part 2 – A man named Mr. Tyzik is caught crushing heads using forced perspective
  • Citizen Kane – Two friends discuss a movie but one of them can’t remember the name
  • Car Ride – A man brags about how good life is in his car, until the hood pops up and his hair starts falling out…but he still has his radio.
  • Womyn – A group of guys playing poker discuss their problems as women
  • Crushing Your Head Part 3 – Headcrusher goes after a kid
  • Banker Doesn’t Like Us 2 – The guys that were denied loans bicker while hanging in their nooses – 1/20/15
• 000. HBO Special Compilation – Unknown Air Date
  • NOTE: This is a compilation of skits culled from the pilot episode
  • Hey You Millionaires – Millionaires root through the garbage
  • Crying Guy – A crying man recounts his failed relationship, where it is revealed that he cries through everything
  • Crush Your Head Part 1 – A man named Mr. Tyzik is caught crushing heads using forced perspective
  • Cabbage Head – A man with a cabbage for his head tries to make his case to sleep with a woman
  • Romeo – A boy distracts his elderly mother to hit on her elderly friend…only to find that she wasn’t the first
  • Crush Your Head Part 2 – The headcrusher gets in a war of head-crushing with a passerby
  • Buddy Cole – Buddy talks about searching for love in Baghdad
  • Reg – A group of guys sit around a fire and affectionately discuss their dead friend Reg. They end up recounting how they murdered him.
  • Crush Your Head Part 3 – The headcrusher considers retiring until he sees a head he cannot resist. 1/20/15

SEASON 2

• 021. Episode #2.1 – 9/25/1990
  • Spring – The fresh smells of Spring, as a man buries the people he killed over the winter
  • Comfortable – After a dinner with old friends, a man makes himself comfortable by pulling down his pants, dancing, and seduces his friend’s wife, but when one of them confesses that they threw out a lamp that was a gift, it ruins the dinner party
  • Trucker #2 – A man goes through his litany of credentials to get a package delivered early
  • Hard Day  – When a businessman is told that he ties his bowtie well, he thinks his cover is blown as an alien and he blows up earth. He is questioned by his superior.
  • Off Swingin’ – The best looking man in the world takes a walk though the streets to some ridiculous swing music
  • The Doctor – A doctor drenched in blood confesses that he’s never really gotten the hang of his job
  • Bobby and the Devil – A teenage guitar player has trouble with his parents, but his real gig is defeating the devil at a musical showdown, which he does with the help of a wah-wah pedal. 3/12/15
• 022. Episode #2.2 – 10/2/1990
  • Cops: O Canada – Cops check the pitch in the barrels of their guns by blowing into the barrels
  • Trapper – Trappers sing Alouette while hitting businessmen over the head after they are trapped in bear traps around the office and then sell their suits to a high end store
  • Cabbage Head: Old Friends – Three female friends meet up at a restaurant and are hit on by Cabbage Head, who buys them french fries and brings his own lounge chair to join them
  • Not Working Out 1 – A man is called into his boss’ office has written “You’re Fired” several places around the office, but when he takes the hint, the boss acts surprised that he is leaving
  • The Loner – George is a loner who talks about the two he stubbed that is now swollen and infected
  • Not Working Out 2 – Chris Bellamy, the man who was fired gets another job and is fired as he is introduced to his office
  • Simon and Hecubus – Late night TV host Simon introduces his evil minion Hecubus, who refuses to pick a card and gives away the movie ending. The devil enjoys the show but switches to The Golden Girls.
  • Not Working Out 3 – Bellamy is fired via line-up
  • Girls of Summer – Buddy Cole talks about the Sluggers softball team that he managed. Through flashback we see Buddy take control and make the winning home run. 3/12/15
• 023. Episode #2.3 – 10/9/1990
  • Mark’s Newscast: Paper Airplanes – A newsman can’t stop laughing while responding to allegations that they are just making up the news
  • Sizzler & Sizzler – Two sisters escape from an asylum and hit a bar where the perform a horrible rendition of Tie a Yellow Ribbon ‘Round the Old Oak Tree as a lounge act and introduce a patron as Roy Orbison
  • Pageant – An officer worker dreams she has one the Miss Canada pageant but is recalled when the judges notice that her hips are too big. When she wakes up, she needs reassurance that her nose doesn’t look like a pig
  • Tony and Nick – Tony bullies Nick in a subway, first telling him to get rid of his cigarette, then to pick it up, and then he Tony smokes it himself
  • Mark’s Newscast: Meech Lake – The newscaster can’t stop crying when he announces that Canada has broken into little pieces
  • A Little Something – During a preparation for a big meeting, the boss has a piece of food in his mustache that won’t come out
  • Phone – A guy hanging out with his friends refuses to answer his phone that has been ringing throughout the episode. Then everyone becomes paranoid of the phone until the neighbor throws it into the fish tank. It turns out to be the Sizzler Sisters, Jenny and Jay. The whole skit turns out to be an episode of The Phone Show. 5/30/15
• 024. Episode #2.4 – 10/16/1990
  • Nutty Bunnies – Three college guys in bunny outfits frolic in a field, until they are confronted with a man forcing them to read a statement of their true identity
  • Queer Nation – Buddy quits smoking and buys a gay bar, and pontificates on the current state of gay society
  • Cops: Uniform – The cops discuss their new uniforms but one is upset that the other shot a guy
  • Excellent Dinner – A pompous man on a date is interrupted by his date’s former lover, with whom she leaves
  • Cops: Stanze – The pair of cops discuss their stance
  • The Parrot – A henpecked husband who is nagged by both his wife and their parrot, and is nagged out of several chances to kill her
  • Cops: Running Naked – One cop takes a description from the other cop on what he would look like running naked through the woods
  • Customer – A yuppie customer freaks out because the waiter takes too long to give him his bill, while a drunk customer sees the customer dressed up as a maid, a marching band costume, and a nutty bunny
  • On the Run – The cops recognize some escaped convicts in a diner, so they all race though their food so the cops can confront them and the convicts can escape. The cops then argue over the bill while the convicts pay their bill and escape. A chase ensues but they both have to stop for gas and then pay for it. The convicts eventually get across ‘The Border’. 5/30/15
• 025. Episode #2.5 – 10/23/1990
  • Jury – A jury of Bruce McCulloch’s ex-girlfriends convict him of being an asshole
  • Cops: Shootout – Cops during a shootout are more interested in the value of the house that they are surrounding
  • Prison – Buddy tells how he wound up in prison and about his new love that he’s made there
  • Sizzler and the Bank – The Sizzler sisters enter a bank with weapons, have the patrons switch their shoes, order two of them to fall in love, and then deposit $100. Jenny then shoots Jay as they attempt to escape.
  • Cops 17: 211 in Progress – The cops respond to the robbery, but decide to walk since it’s a nice day
  • Chicken Lady – A man responds to a personal ad and it turns out to be the Chicken Lady. She eats worms and feeds him the chickens that she just laid causing him to flee
  • Drugs Are Bad – Kevin McDonald’s is recognized by a hash dealer and turns him into the police. He then gives a P.S.A. about saying no to drugs. However the dealers have planted the drugs on Kevin and he is arrested.
  • Cops: Prisoner – A cop makes an arrest and locks his keys in the car with the prisoner (Stephen Surjik)
  • Clean Sheets – A man tells his wife during the middle of the night all the things he likes as well as clean sheets, including his rock-hard alibi for suing a man
  • Justice – A judge find the ‘clean sheets’ man not guilty because he pleads not guilty. Buddy Cole then pleads innocent during his appeal and he is let go as well. He then frees everyone in the court who says they are not guilty. 7/19/15
• 026. Episode #2.6 – 10/30/1990
  • Second Novel – Thomas Piper reads his second novel The Heavy Pen which simulates real writer’s block
  • Baboon – Three men break into an animal testing lab facility to free George the baboon, but are so disturbed by its giant colored butt and the fact that it throws food and plays with itself that they end up just freeing a cat
  • Hair Loss – A bald man in a mirror walks by a mirror in a restaurant and notices that he has no hair and begins looking for it. The manager is discovered to be wearing the hair on top of his own.
  • Conversation – A couple going through an amiable break-up start to taunt each other about future daliances, but end up in a passionate kiss
  • Buddy: Wood Nymph – Buddy enjoys nature and the naked man ‘wood nymph’ that he spots
  • Anecdote – A man says goodnight to a co-worker and then tells him that he is just kidding. He then tells the story at a bar and ends up picking up a girl.
  • Groovy Teacher – Theo introduces himself as the cool teacher, tries to out a student as being gay and steal his girlfriend Linda, and talks about his heroin addiction – 7/19/15
• 027. Episode #2.7 – 11/6/1990
  • Lady Is a Tramp – A debonair man in film noir fashion picks up a prostitute who speaks in double entendres
  • Meet the Geralds – A business negotiator named Gerald tells his wisecracking colleague Gerald that he’s a poor businessman. Gerald and his other colleague Tim don’t seem to care and are happy with being businessmen.
  • I’m English – A man pontificates on the problems of speaking English when no everyone else does, and how it got him arrested in Holland for shoplifting and assault
  • Lady Is a Tramp Part II – The debonair man asks the tramp to marry him three months later
  • Painting a Chair – While painting a chair, a man is interrupted by a kid named Gavin (Bruce McCulloch) who tells him random stories, offers to paint the chair, asks for an onion, and then leaves because he is in the middle of a race.
  • The Lack o’ Trust Blues – A girl named Lucy catches her man Tex hitting on other woman in a seedy bar. Tex serenades her until she hits him in the head with a shovel.
  • Lady Is a Tramp Part III – Fifty years later the debonair man gives the tramp a golden anniversary gift, while she asks for the $8 million dollar bill he has racked up with her. She runs back to her wheel-chair bound pimp Rudy. 10/13/15
• 028. Episode #2.8 – 11/13/1990
  • I Can’t Play the Piano – A man who can’t play piano and an ugly woman who can’t sing perform a number
  • Democracy – Arguing in the park
  • Tampa Bay – Gordon tells his wife Fran and son Brian that he was fired from his job, but it turns out to be a ruse
  • Cops: Goose –  A suspicious cop questions his partner how he can afford a goose
  • Freak – A man at a freak show who can make his nose bleed at will takes a lunch break, but is driven to demonstrate his talent to a couple of kids, who then pick on the chicken lady
  • Cops: Tony Baldwin – Tony Baldwin, the star of Surf Cops, introduces himself to a real cop
  • Seminar – Gord and Jeff deliver a seminar about Money Momentum
  • Celebirty – Surf Cops star Tony Baldwin brags how his heterosexuality got him where he is, before picking up a gay lover, while still maintaining he’s not gay.
  • Liposuction – Two Flamenco singers serenade a couple during their anniversary dinner with a song about lipsuction and present them with a bag of fat. 10/19/15
• 029. Episode #2.9 – 12/4/1990
  • Cops: Dream – A cop has a dream about busting the Queen for drinking her tea wrong
  • Crushing Hospital – Mr. Tyzik is confronted by a band of thugs who break his wrist and crushing fingers. He goes through physical therapy at the hospital until he can crush again, at which point he returns to the thugs to get revenge by crushing one of their heads
  • Cops: Dad – He doesn’t tell his Dad that he loves him… because he doesn’t
  • Daddy Drank – Kevin talks about his father drank when he was a kid, showing flashbacks of his erratic behavior
  • The Leash – A man on a leash and his partner decide to eat at the Golden Griddle
  • Cops: Shelley Long – A cop in the middle of a discussion suddenly remembers the actress he was trying to remember all day
  • Knocked Out – A businessman hits his head on the wall during a meeting and stays asleep for two days, only to wake up and find a couple using the meeting room for sex, and female basketball team using it as a room to change, but he keeps missing the nudity. However he doesn’t miss the janitor doing a strip show.
  • The Leash: Shelley Long – The leash woman also remembers the name
  • The Last Straw – A kid named Gavin delivers a barrage of non-sequiturs in an attempt to get chocolate chips. He ends up eating a fish.
  • Parenting – A couple calls a press conference to retract the statement that parenting is the greatest thing in the world
  • Dead Dad – A group of guys discuss whether they could beat up their fathers. 12/16/15
• 030. Episode #2.10 – 12/11/1990
  • Guess Your Weight – A carnival barker guesses more about a man than just his weight and is right about everything except the weight
  • Go for Guilt – It’s Bradley and Nina’s first date and they skip every part of it including the romance and sex and go straight for the guilt
  • Hustlers: Math Teachers – Scott and Bruce apologize to their 11th grade math teachers for not caring about math
  • Fag Basher – A gang chases a gay man through the streets and are stopped by a flamboyant man in a cape who then asks out the victim
  • Friendly Rivals – An office worker tries to figure out who unplugged his printer and dulled his pencil. He blames the new guy and the receptionist and adds their name to his list, which now includes every office worker’s name
  • Show Within a Show – Scott performs in the spinoff A Kid in the Hall which is solely created and performed by Scott Thompson in his bare feet. Two Scotts climb the mountain of Scott Thompson, Scott meets his neighbors the Baxters, and meets the Scott Thompson of an alternate universe. Dave Foley will be the guest next week… until Scott shoves him out of the way.
  • Mr. Hugula – A man in a restaurant will answer to any name. The waiters steal his money when he leaves after they call him the exit sign.
  • Housework Hustlers – Male housekeepers offer to clean cars
  • Chocolate – After a night on the town, a group of woman refuse to eat cheesecake, but agree to look at it. They end up eating it covered in Bailey’s and then go for pizza. NOTE: A man eats his dinner in the shower over the closing credits. 12/19/15
• 031. Episode #2.11 – 12/18/1990
  • Fact #2 – Beethoven’s Fifth Symphony was inspired by Beethoven’s fifth orgasm
  • That’s America – Bruce pontificates about what America means to him
  • Prisoner’s Jam – A candidate running for office judges a jam contest and choose a child molester’s jam, and ends up a bum
  • Fact #3 – The Queen of England no longer knows her alphabet
  • Cuttin’ It Close 1 – A man discusses with his wife how the commercials come really closing to showing breasts
  • Secret of Broadway – Two flappers meet up with their friend Jeremy after he stars in his Broadway show Uzi!: The Musical, and he makes the obvious confession that he is gay
  • Cuttin’ It Close 2 – The man finally catches a quick glimpse of a breast in a TV commercial and wakes up his wife to tell her
  • Hustlers: Richard Nixon – Saying hi to Nixon, who they think is watching the show
  • Mispronouncer – A lounge singer mispronounces most of his words, uses an interpreter, and angers the Jews
  • Fact #3A – The Queen has a fact of her own about red-headed children
  • Dead Fish – Three men’s job is to keep their arms in a tank of dead fish. The men are laid off and replaced with a machine. 2/16/16
• 032. Episode #2.12 – 3/5/1991
  • Cops: Bubble Bath – It was all he could think about during that hostage situation
  • How I Sleep – In an effort to get more of the audience to like  him, Kevin reveals how he sleeps, has homosexual dreams, pees, drools, and gets pickles form the refrigerator
  • Old Friends – Two middle aged ladies meet and one reveals that her husband is having an affair. Her friend convinces her to confront her husband who asks his wife to be patient and claims that her friend wants him
  • Standing – A rap song about standing in the city with a new style
  • Vegas – A father and son from another planet discuss the father’s days in Vegas as an emcee. The son wants to go to Vegas to answer his father’s heckle by utilizing his own act, and works on polishing his act
  • Carpenter – An archaeologist shares some poorly constructed furniture that Jesus built
  • Cops: Daughter – A cop advises his partner to tell his 7 years old daughter to wait before becoming a cop
  • Encounter – A support group for five men who do not want to be slaves to their bladders – 2/16/16
• 033. Episode #2.13 – 3/12/1991
  • Cops: Good Cop, Bad Cop- The cops keeps a car stopping and going
  • Brad & The Phone – Brad makes a sex call to the Chicken Lady, who ends up climaxing – and exploding – before Brad
  • Fact: Uncle Tony – He can spit really far
  • Book, Bottle, Blonde – Told in film noir fashion, Nick, a children’s novelist who is tired of his books, visits Sam the bartender and is visited by another authoress named Sally who threatens to kill him for plagiarizing one of her books. Sam kills her, and Nick returns to his work.
  • Cops: Money – The cops agree that they like money best about being a cop
  • Shoes – Paul visits a shoe store where the melodramatic proprietor Evan makes the sale with some help from Satan
  • Evil T – It’s the letter T that makes ‘faggot’ such an ugly word, so Scott proposes dropping the last letter
  • Fact: Bigfoot – He has a beautiful singing voice
  • Heckler – A heckler argues with a blues singer about his phoniness
  • Fact: 45 Years of Love – Elderly people have been in love for 45 years. Of course the booze helps.
  • The Long Note – Bruce wakes up in the hospital after trying to commit suicide, and quizzes his friends about his 160-page suicide note, which none of them have read. Making it worse, they rave about another suicide victim’s note. 5/19/16
• 034. Episode #2.14 – 3/19/1991
  • Report – A businessman named Joe only coughs when asked to produce the report. Eventually he coughs it up.
  • Gander 1 – A dark mystic and his partner Hecubus attempt to hypnotize a man from the audience named Tony Henderson, who thinks they are doing a comedy act
  • M. Piedlourde Court un Marathon – Mr. Heavyfoot runs a marathon
  • Jazz Music  – Why Bruce refers to jazz as ‘musical barf’, the music of hell
  • Gander 2 – Tony Henderson is called by gets a call from the mystics trying to trigger him to believe he’s a chicken… but only succeed in keeping Tony from his work
  • Touch Bellini #1 – Mark announces the winner of the ‘Touch Paul Bellini’ (himself) contest: Rebecca Klatka
  • The Affair – A man named Rory walks away from his wife Sharon at an art show to meet another woman named Sandra (Tracy Wright) and start an affair. They realize it is craziness but can’t stop, and find themselves getting squishier. Sandra’s husband is clearly having an affair of his own.
  • M. Piedlourde Essait l’Auto – Mr. Heavyfoot test drives a car and speeds off
  • Queen to Queen – Buddy Love talks about his correspondence with the Queen of England, Liz Windsor. Edward also begs Buddy to let him stay with him, as his mother goes mad. 5/19/16
• 035. Episode #2.15 – 3/26/1991
  • M. Piedlourde Donne Un Coup De Pied Au Balloon – Mr. Heavyfoot Kicks a Ball… around the world
  • Scott’s Not Gay – A rumor circulates that Scott is no longer gay, which makes it awkward for his friends. They force Scott to explain his new straightness to a group of his gay supporters, who then reject him.
  • First Time – A young man is poised to score with his brace-face girlfriend but he gets nervous, passes out, and is then humped by her dog
  • Bad News – A doctor tells his patient Don that he has cancer, and the patient couldn’t care less
  • Poo Guy – Bruce expresses how much he dislikes being referred to the ‘poo guy’ after doing a commercial for selling poo
  • M. Piedlourde A Une Rendez-Vous – Mr. Heavyfoot has a date with Susan Blandon, but has to climb stairs to her house. By the time he gets there, it is dark and his flowers are dead
  • Victim – A stranger happens upon a man getting beat up, but won’t give any sympathy and admits that he too deserves to be beaten up…and is
  • Night of the Cow – During a cookout, a man tells the story of a cow named Ingrid. who plans an escape from Farmer Carl, who is hit by a drunk salesman’s car. This all leads to the storyteller’s announcement that he is leaving his job.
  • M. Piedlourde Sur La Lune – Mr. Heavyfoot on the moon. No problems dancing without gravity. 8/19/16
• 036. Episode #2.16 – 4/2/1991
  • One of These Five Men – One must have something interesting to say…or perhaps not
  • Cincinnati Kid – He comes into a bar looking for the Toronto Kid, but is called away when his wife has a baby
  • Career Ending 2 – The Leslie De Gaulle Trio and how they lost their careers by performing a song about Senator Joe McCarthy
  • 30 Second Stories: Joe – A magnetic skinned man who got stuck to a plane
  • No Words – A man wants the time in a subway station, but the woman think he wants an affair. They run the gamut of an entire relationship.
  • 30 Second Stories: Dump – A widower takes his family to the zoo, then to the dump to see more animals
  • Career Ending 1 – An actress wins an Oscar and thanks Hitler
  • The Trip – During a stressful day at work, a businessman takes a trip to a farm in his mind and brings back a chicken
  • Wild Weekend – A homely secretary stops in at a nightclub and gets drunk, tears up the dancefloor, sleeps with a black man, and then returns to work the following Monday. 8/21/16
• 037. Episode #2.17 – 4/9/1991
  • Thousand Dollars – Two cowboys randomly hand out $1000 and then a punch in the mouth
  • Cops: Towing – A cop hates his job when he has to tow his own car
  • Decorator 1 – An interior decorator changes only one thing about his customer Paul Cherry’s living room: putting a demon in the closet
  • Headcrusher: Rival – The headcrusher meets his match when he runs into a face pincher on his turf and they battle it out until Mr. Tyzik wins
  • Shortest – Two guys talk dirty about loving women with the’ shortest tubes in North York’
  • Bellini Final – A recap of the ‘touch Paul Bellini’ contest, followed by Bellini getting dispatched to St. Petersburg wearing only his towel and socks. He arrives at Rebecca Klatka’s (producer Cindy Park) house and she touches him with a stick.
  • Cops: Graveyard – A cop visits the grave of the first guy he ever gave a ticket to, but ignores his mother’s grave
  • Governor – A governor with a hooker in his motel room is nervous about the election and has the trots. The hooker gives him a pep talk, and spies photograph him while they role play.
  • Ham of Truth – While a family eats ham steak, the son Terence uses the f-word to describe his dinner. His father punches him, so the son runs off to Toronto to tune of Ham of Truth to stay with his friend Owen at his make-out pad. He gets drunk, vomits, and is taken home to his parents, and reiterates his feelings about the ham. Nicole de Boer is Laura.
  • Decorator 2 – The demon can’t sleep and wants to talk and lay curses on the homeowner. 11/4/16
• 038. Episode #2.18 – 4/16/1991
  • Clandestine Meeting 1 – A covert trio Humanoids of Humanism led by a spunky girl named Shona who is tired of women’s oppression pick out their victim: Cabbage Head
  • The Letter – A haughty boss shares a chain letter with his employees, and although Henderson suggests throwing it away, the boss makes him feel stupid and finally gets their buy-in
  • Plungers – A man shares his respect for a young salesman who talked him into buying seven plungers
  • Clandestine Meeting 2 – The covert trio accosts the womanizing Cabbage Head on a date and shoots him in the cabbage. He meets God as he dies, who also has a cabbage head and tells him that he was made in his own image
  • Fact: Aliens Are Super Intelligent – A little girl shows that it’s a fact that stuck-up aliens show up on earth to brag
  • Mr. Pin – The impatient Mr. Pin encounters a slow store checkout clerk and throws a tantrum until the clerk invites him to the front of the line, then realizes he has no money and nothing to buy. Melanie is also in line and worries that Mr. Pin will never know that she loves him.
  • Liza’s Party – Weston Esterhazy, confidant to the stars, talks about he is planning his first movie starring bottle spoon-heads about a party at Liza Minelli’s house. Weston’s character gets drugged with LSD by Brooke Shields, and Fatty Arbuckle shows up and throws himself down the stairs.
  • Clandestine Meeting 1 – Cabbage Head goes on a talk show to talk about his religious conversion although he still sounds like a lech. 11/4/16
• 039. Episode #2.19 – 4/23/1991
  • The Cure – Two friends ruin Carl’s date when they show him a newspaper headline indicating that a cure of impotency has been discovered
  • Secretaries: Logey – Four secretaries don’t know why they are feeling so sluggish, but then realize that Elizabeth has changed the coffee to decaf
  • 30 Second Stories: Tess – Tess’s boyfriend is killed at the auto assembly line and wears the same thing as another woman to the funeral
  • Directions – A man wants directions, but the guy he asks tells him in perfect English that he can’t speak English
  • Excellent Guy: Big Brother – An eight-year old boy named John (Daniel DeSanto) can’t stand his ‘Big Brother’ Darrell so he tells him that he got a girl pregnant and then gets him beaten up by a group of kids
  • 30 Second Stories: Office Party – An office Christmas party goes awry when the boss goes in the stock room with a woman and sends a photocopy of his butt to his wife
  • Taxpayer – A man comes late to pick up the Lewises’ daughter Karen for a date because of a rickshaw malfunction, but she’s been dead for two years so he takes out her ashes. Mark McKinney talks about how bad the sketch the sketch is, and tells the audience how the taxpayers are ultimately paying for crappy sketches.
  • 30 Second Stories: Fries – Two girls lose their Rolling Stones tickets in a vat of grease, so they miss the show and get drunk, but always claim they went
  • Into the Doors – A record store owner tells a customer that everything new sucks, but propagates The Doors, as long as the customer is serious is about it. 2/6/17
• 040. Episode #2.20 – 4/30/1991
  • Lively Party – During a game of charades at a party, one of the guests smothers Jerry
  • Butcher Shop – Gavin the annoying kid bothers a butcher while his mom is at the butcher shop
  • Cops: Sexism – None of the guys have mentioned anything about sexism
  • Who’s to Blame – Maggie the secretary has to tell her boss who is looking forward to a baseball game that it’s raining outside. He desperately seeks someone to blame. When he fires the janitor, the sun comes out.
  • Cops: Clouds – One of the clouds looks like the cop’s wife leaving him
  • Having Tea – Mrs. Carvin serves tea and shares her old yearbook with students Blake and Carson. While she is out of the room, they destroy her toaster.
  • Faux Pas – A man accuses a man of being deaf when he doesn’t get his joke. Turns out he is actually deaf. The man continues making one faux pas after another at the party.
  • Cops: Partners – A cop misses his partner, who has tragically…retired.
  • Messages – A man listens to a series of messages from two women, a man, a sorority, and perhaps his mother praising his sexual prowess
  • Tube Top Justice – Everyone stared as she came over the horizon
  • Hazy Movie – Two men discuss a movie over beer and chicken. The characters Francesca Fiore and Bruno Ponce-Jones come to life with whatever scenario they are describing – as hazy as the description is – and interact with the men. 2/13/17
• 000. Season 2 Favorites Part 1 – UNAIRED
  • Fact: Uncle Tony – He can spit really far
  • Headcrusher: Rival – The headcrusher meets his match when he runs into a face pincher on his turf and they battle it out until Mr. Tyzik wins
  • Off Swingin’ – The best looking man in the world takes a walk though the streets to some ridiculous swing music
  • Daddy Drank – Kevin talks about his father drank when he was a kid, showing flashbacks of his erratic behavior
  • The Affair – A man named Rory walks away from his wife Sharon at an art show to meet another woman named Sandra (Tracy Wright) and start an affair. They realize it is craziness but can’t stop, and find themselves getting squishier. Sandra’s husband is clearly having an affair of his own.
  • Fact #3 – The Queen of England no longer knows her alphabet
  • The Doctor – A doctor drenched in blood confesses that he’s never really gotten the hang of his job
  • A Little Something – During a preparation for a big meeting, the boss has a piece of food in his mustache that won’t come out
  • Fact: 45 Years of Love – Elderly people have been in love for 45 years. Of course the booze helps.
  • First Time – A young man is poised to score with his brace-face girlfriend but he gets nervous, passes out, and is then humped by her dog
  • Girls of Summer – Buddy Cole talks about the Sluggers softball team that he managed. Through flashback we see Buddy take control and make the winning home run. 1/19/18
• 000. Season 2 Favorites Part 2 – UNAIRED
  • Cops: Prisoner – A cop makes an arrest and locks his keys in the car with the prisoner (Stephen Surjik)
  • Comfortable – After a dinner with old friends, a man makes himself comfortable by pulling down his pants, dancing, and seduces his friend’s wife, but when one of them confesses that they threw out a lamp that was a gift, it ruins the dinner party
  • Trapper – Trappers sing Alouette while hitting businessmen over the head after they are trapped in bear traps around the office and then sell their suits to a high end store
  • Painting a Chair – While painting a chair, a man is interrupted by a kid named Gavin (Bruce McCulloch) who tells him random stories, offers to paint the chair, asks for an onion, and then leaves because he is in the middle of a race.
  • Cops: Shootout – Cops during a shootout are more interested in the value of the house that they are surrounding
  • Chicken Lady – A man responds to a personal ad and it turns out to be the Chicken Lady. She eats worms and feeds him the chickens that she just laid causing him to flee
  • Simon and Hecubus – Late night TV host Simon introduces his evil minion Hecubus, who refuses to pick a card and gives away the movie ending. The devil enjoys the show but switches to The Golden Girls.
  • Cops: Dad – He doesn’t tell his Dad that he loves him… because he doesn’t
  • Hazy Movie – Two men discuss a movie over beer and chicken. The characters Francesca Fiore and Bruno Ponce-Jones come to life with whatever scenario they are describing – as hazy as the description is – and interact with the men. 1/19/18

SEASON 3

• 041. Episode #3.1 – 10/1/1991
  • Plane – Two stewardesses run into a diner and ask if anyone can land a plane. One young man is willing to try.
  • Body Conscious – A man in a steam room asks his friend to check out his large breasts, and his friend can’t stop checking him out
  • Cabbie – Bigot – A cab driver is racist against an unknown ‘something’, possibly the Toronto Blue Jays
  • Chicken Lady Show – The Chicken Lady gets on the stage trying to pursue a male dancer named Miner Joe. She compares notes with the Bearded Lady. She can’t contain herself with the next dancer is Rooster boy and molts.
  • Cabbies – Pris – The next cabby gets angry at another motorist and fires a gun at him. He then totes a convict along with the original passenger.
  • Cops – Abuse – A lout picks on an officer, and his partner doesn’t rescue him since he thinks the cop knew him
  • Small C – A hillbilly named Jebediah reports to his friend that he met his first celebrity, Jimmy Osmond. His friend then tells the tale of how he ate dinner with Mickey Rooney, who ended up milking his cow, making breakfast, and digging a well.
  • The Pen – An office worker goes berserk when he can’t find his pen, then recalls loaning it to a customer, so he tracks him down and attaches himself to the man’s taxi. Later he attaches his pen to a chain attached to his head.
  • Cops – Movie – A cop describes the action of a crime, but he is only discussing a movie and has no idea what happened to the dead guy on the ground in front of him
  • Touch Me There – A husband questions his wife why she won’t touch his nipples. 6/5/17
• 042. Episode #3.2 – 10/9/1991
  • Clothes Make the Man – A man keeps getting called ‘fag’ no matter what he wears out, so he dresses as a bear and kills the man
  • Can’t Sleep 2 – A boy named Brian is stealing from his parents, but tells his parents that he’s sleepwalking. As as his father is about to beat him up, he ‘comes to’
  • Tiggy – Jerry shows his friend Phil his new dog, but Phil thinks he’s useless because he can’t do anything. Jerry gives the dog an hour to do a trick, so the dog keeps setting the clock back, causing Jerry to miss work for a week
  • I Can Live with That – A woman goes out with her boyfriend and tells him that she broke up a few weeks ago, but hasn’t told him yet. The boyfriend thinks he can adapt to it, even though she’s met someone else and plans to get married
  • Excellent TV – An episode of “Painting with the Inner Child with Darryl”, in which he paints two lover on a landscape, including a tumor on the man
  • Can’t Sleep 3 – In the middle of the night, a man talking in his sleep tells his wife to get on top of him
  • Girl Drink Drunk – A recently promoted  corporate vice president spends an all-nighter with his boss getting wasted on ‘girl’ drinks, which leads to an addiction to girly drinks, alcoholism, and losing his job. 6/9/17
• 043. Episode #3.3 – 10/16/1991
  • Asleep on the Job – A cement layer falls asleep and gets stuck in a cement sidewalk
  • Measure – Bruce reads a fan letter from a ten-year old who thinks he is small. He has Lars measure him and finds he is 17 inches tall.
  • Nervous Break(fast) Down – A man has breakfast with his son (Daniel DeSanto) and acts strangely because his  wife cheated on him. After over-filling his cereal, he waters the flowers with his milk.
  • Raise 1 – A worker named Greg ask his obtuse boss Mr. Picklefeather for a raise at Comedy Inc., but Picklefeather thinks his writing – including this sketch – is too cliche. Picklefeather ends up slapping a pie on him to illustrate his points, but then Greg realizes he forgot to write an ending to the sketch
  • Gimmel 100 – A former keyboard player from 3 Dog Night introduces the Gimmel 100 keyboard to an elderly group of mall patrons. A supposed U.S. Marine helps demonstrate the organ with a phony patriotic sales pitch, and then brings up an elderly lady whose arms don’t work and then tries to convince her that she needs to buy the organ since she touched it.
  • Raise 2 – Mr. Picklefeather writes his wife Olive to give his status since the sketch began 20 days earlier. Greg continues to write as they go along and assigns Picklefeather a first name of Buford.
  • Tammy – Buddy Cole introduces pop singer Tammy, who performs a song called Dance. He then hosts a press conference for her and she lipsyncs the answers, with Buddy Cole providing her voice from behind the curtain. When the press discovers this, and forces her to answer her own answers. Although her answers are simplistic, Buddy decides she no longer needs him and flies off in a hot air balloon. 9/19/18
• 044. Episode #3.4 – 10/23/1991
  • Golf – A man asks about a golf game, even though he hates the game and the people who play it
  • Earring – A wife comes home early and finds earrings next to their bed, so the husband claims he has pierced ears and continues to wear them a work, where his co-workers who were all out with each are wearing pieces of women’s clothing… except for one, who is wearing two ties
  • Flying Pig 1 – A flying pig entertains folks waiting in a particularly long line for an ATM
  • Queen’s Address – The queen (Scott Thompson) addresses the nation about Canada renouncing the monarchy, confessing her love for the country and telling them that they need her… only to find out that her sons had fabricated the newspaper article
  • Flying Pig 2 – The pig returns to entertain a line of people waiting to buy lottery tickets
  • Academy Awards – Liam Gurnsey and Chalice present the Oscars for Best Actor, each in films about fighting for the rights of the handicapped, including one who has a spike in his head, plus a portrayal of Hamlet. It is a three-way tie for everyone but Hamlet, who can only applaud the victory.
  • Cops Flying Pig – The cops see the Flying Pig
  • Chop Chop – A woman below is visited by a man covered in blood claiming to have been the victim of an ax murderer… then confesses that he’s the ax murderer. He has damaged his ax and wants to borrow one, but she only has a variety of hatchets.
  • Flying Pig 3 – There is another long line, one to eat the flying pig, who recently flew into some electric wires and was fried. 9/21/18
• 045. Episode #3.5 – 10/30/1991
  • Presentation – A businessman named Jay prepares to make a presentation to some clients, but first calls to bring on the whores. The businessmen are aghast, as they want to do business first – then have the whores
  • Tanya’s Goodbye -Tanya the temp secretary at AT&F says her goodbyes to her co-workers, but only Cathy and Kathy show up, and they make her pay for her goodbye cookie. Mrs. Ferguson stops by and calls up security to join the party. He finally comes once everyone’s left and check’s Tanya’s purse only to find stolen office supplies. He ends up shooting her when she tries to escape.
  • Open Letter 1 – Bruce presents an open letter to the guy who stole his bike wheel.
  • Tucker – Tucker is up all night dealing with a mouse who ate and pooped in his bread loaf. The next day he works at his job, dressed as a mouse at a carnival whom kids try to pelt with cheese blocks. That night he brings home mouse traps and struggles to activate them. After he kills the mouse, he is arrested for murder.
  • Open Letter 2 – Bruce presents an open letter to the people who watched the guy steal his bike wheel.
  • Until Proven Guilty – Mr. Pearson is on trial for killing Henry Tillson and thinks he is doing okay without a lawyer by simply arguing with the lawyer. He and his buddy who is sitting in the gallery are in a hurry to get on with the case so they can go out on a double date. Although the evidence is overwhelmingly against him, he delivers a summation to plead his case. The jury finds him guilty and the judge sentences him to death… but first brings in the whores.
  • Underage – Scott leaves the stage form the previous skit and meets two guys who compliment the show and then ask him to buy them some beer, claiming to have forgot their IDs. He faces a moral dilemma with being a celebrity and role model, but ultimately decides to buy it. However before he can tell them, Bruce has bought the beer for them, to which Scott threatens to tell. 6/7/19
• 046. Episode #3.6 – 11/5/1991
  • Cops – Night 1 – The cops are at the scene of a murder, and Yates has lost his badge. The try to ward of bystanders, but give them ten minutes to gawk. Kids kick the corpse.
  • Accents – Lyle Jordan teaches an accent class. Among his tips are drink milk to get phlegm for a German accent, and to clear away the phlegm with water to do a Scottish accent, all the while insulting each nationality. One of the students performs a near-perfect Cockney accent, and the instructor says it’s terrible. He does a French accent by pouring water and milk down his own pants.
  • Original Bat – A mother from the 50’s shows the audience – friends of her son Larry’s – to make potato salad, and winds up showing off how she fits in her old wedding dress.
  • Bingo – A businessman addresses his staff and is hit the face with a seltzer bottle. He blames Husk… even though it is revealed there is a clown named Bingo at the conference table. He throws Husk out, and is presented with a balloon dog by Bingo.
  • Drag Revolution – Scott relates the tale of a drag revolution instigated by a person claiming to be Diana Ross, leading to drag queens taking over the city.
  • Cops – Night 2 – A new investigator visits the crime scene, who look identical to the main suspect that the cops have photos of.
  • Teamwork – Sims shows up for work, and his boss puts his head in a steam press by their foreman Connors. One of his co-workers relates that the boss had broken his collar bone. Their worker discuss their abuse and all of the menial taks they do for him, including chewing his food, buffing his warts, and popping his pimples. Sims throws hot coffee in his face which turns him into a freak… now referred to as the Phantom of the Warehouse. Years later Sims has turned into a tyrant himself, forcing a young worker to suck his ear wax out with a straw.
  • Cops – Night 3 – The cops mail back Yates’s badge. One of them lets a bystander borrow his gun. The chase off the same kids for kicking the corpse. The ambulance takes off without the body. 6/7/19
• 047. Episode #3.7 – 11/12/1991
  • Mom or Dad – A judge presses a boy named Chad to decide if he would rather live with his mommy, his daddy, or a glamorous movie star
  • Evol – Sir Simon Milligan hosts a show called The Pit of Ultimate Darkness from Carlos Italian Eatery, where he is joined by Helen Batgate, and is interrupted by his minion Hecubus. Simon blows his chances with her when he puts down the Irish. Hecubus sprinkles her with Zombie Dust to seduce her, but she flips him off and leave. Hecubus admits it was only talcum powder that he threw.
  • Same as Bruce – An overweight bald guy thinks he looks exactly like Bruce
  • Mocking – A man in a waiting room makes contact with another guy waiting and mocks everyone else in the room. When the guy gets irritated with him, he begins to mock the guy he had made eye contact with to everyone else.
  • Sacking All Admirals – A woman is upset that the words ‘gay’, ‘faggot’, ‘cunnilingus’, ‘fisting’, ‘poophole’, and ‘fuckoff’ have all been hijacked as dirty words
  • Waiting Room – The bald guy does a scene with Kevin, and Kevin doesn’t realize he isn’t Bruce. In the scene, their father dies, and the doctor who inexplicably covered in blood breaks the news to the boys. They argue over who will pay for the pay phone call to their mother. Another guy in the waiting room gives them the quarter for the call, which they laugh about with the doctor
  • Kidnapped – A boy sells a newspaper that reports that an executive named Danny Husk has been kidnapped. Husk himself buys the newspaper and returns to work, where everyone gives Husk their condolences to him about being kidnapped. Husk talks to his wife and asks for the $3000 to pay his ransom. During a meeting at the office, Husk can hardly concentrate, but some his co-workers have raised the money by prostitution. The new edition of the paper says that they kidnappers are on their way to make the pick up. Husk is two dollars short, but can’t get his secretary to loan it, so he photocopies a two-dollar bill to make up the difference. Husk meets the kidnappers at the drop off point, and plays a trust game with them to ensure that they won’t trick him. The kidnapper checks out the money by eating some of a bill, and declare it all okay. The next newspaper indicates that Husk is free. He is so happy that he flies over the city. 2/21/20
• 048. Episode #3.8 – 11/19/1991
  • Genius – A man asks a dumb question of a painter, who refers to him as Einstein. He is actually Einstein.
  • Gut – Two guys who are extremely proud of their giant guts enjoy showing them off, punching them, making sounds with them, and comparing navel depth. Their friend Derek shows up with his deflated gut, and when he takes a punch form one guy, his hand gets stuck in the loose skin
  • Wedding Virgin – A guy giving a toast at a wedding accuses the bride Cindy of not being a virgin
  • Terrier – A lady gets a new dog, but her boyfriend only likes Terriers, and sings a song about his love of Terriers in music video style. When it’s done, she sets her dog free.
  • Wedding Toast – Back at the wedding reception, the emcee gives Norm and Cindy a toast and tells his story about how he set them up together, but then breaks into tears since he is still single and lonely
  • Freedom of Speech – Norm Williams is called into his boss’s office because his language is bothering his co-workers, mainly by overuse of the world “ascertain.” The boss gives him a list of acceptable work phrases, but Norm ascertains that the men are just jealous of his vocabulary. He agrees to stop using the word, but when the boss uses the word “delineate,” it becomes obvious this will become Norm’s new word
  • Wedding Objection – During the Priest’s speech at the wedding, one of the guys at wedding objects to the wedding and claims that he and Cindy had a very flirty relationship. He says he’ll let the marriage continue in peace, if Cindy will give him five minutes in the back room. With the priest supporting the idea, Cindy agrees to do it on the table in front of everyone.
  • Excellent Patio – A horrible waiter serving a patio of people does absolutely everything wrong. When he tells an angry crowd that Jesus said that those without sin should cast stones, they all pelt him with bread. 2/21/20
• 049. Episode #3.9 – 12/3/1991
  • Cops: Old Lady – An old lady named Marjorie falls in the street and a man steals her bag of oranges. Another man tries to help and is sprayed with mace. Two officers nearby pontificate on whether they should have helped, but they were worried something could go wrong and they’d get sued.
  • The Gift – Dave claims he can draw someone based on the sound of his voice. Kevin keeps the audience entertained by dressing in a tight one piece. Dave draw the man who embellishes the story of his day by claiming he ate a goat. Dave finished the painting which looks like a child’s drawing… but the man does in fact look like that.
  • The Babysitter – Gavin’s mom is ready for a night out on a date and hires babysitter Natalie Peneroski. Gavin falls in love with her, especially when she starts spouting interesting facts. Natalie’s boyfriend Vito comes over and is irritated by Gavin’s chatter. Natalie however connects more with Gavin’s stories so Vito leaves and she continues the facts with Gavin. He fantasizes bout marrying her and crazy gluing his lips to her when he kisses the bride.
  • M. Piedlourde Met ses Pantalons – Mr. Heavyfoot puts on his pants. A device lifts him out of bed and a lowers him into his pants. His butler gives him a coffee and he spills it as he struggles to walk.
  • Paris – Buddy Cole talks about his summer in Paris using the name Todd Vincent, American archaeologist, and his deaf beau for the summer, Freeze. While doing a dig at a public toilet in search of an ancient tea room, they found an ancient scroll of Alexander the Great getting a hand job from his love Darius, which sent them into a frenzy of passion
  • Street Singers – Two guys do odd songs in the street that all sound alike. They receive no tips, until one guys finally drops a coin in their guitar case. The try to remain focused.
  • M. Piedlourde: Detese Le Film – Mr. Heavyfoot Hates the Movie. He walks out injuring everyone he passe along the way. By the time the movie ends, he is nearly out of the theater.
  • Macaroni – The street singers make themselves some macaroni and cheese. While they enjoy it, they make plans to make it every night… then add catsup to it. A representative from the McKim’s macaroni and cheese company shows up at their apartment and offers them a five year supply because they have eaten a ton and a half of it in one year’s time. A rep from the catsup company then shows up and tells them that they’ve eaten 450 gallons each over the last year and they bring them a huge supply as well. A third man from the Loser Academy arrives and tells them about the health risks and the fact that they probably have tapeworms. They are give a year’s supply of tape worm food. They wrote a song called Fattening Up Our Tapeworms that sounds like all the others. 6/2/20
• 050. Episode #3.10 – 12/10/1991
  • Fact: Stone – You can get blood from a stone
  • After the Film – After a movie date, a guy takes his date to a cornfield to see a dead body. The guy is later roughed up by his friends to whom he promised he’d never show the body. Later he takes a different date to see the body. This time, his friend is waiting at the location of the body and strangles him.
  • Replaced 1 – Scott has been acting strange, even coming on to Kevin, so his friends confront him at his house. Scott tells him that the Scott at work is an android that he built to give him a rest after his Europe trip. Scott realizes he programmed in his own libido, but forgot to program in societal restrictions. Back at work the android Scott is hitting on Mark.
  • Grandpa Geralds – The businessmen Geralds give their grandfathers spankings before they meet up to discuss business
  • Wages – A man in Human Resources goes on a rant about the fact that he would never consider working for minimum wage
  • Replaced 2 – Scott arrives to save Mark from the android Scott. He is able to turn it off with a remote and everyone gets on with their lives… except Mark who is still in tears from the experience..
  • Haggle – A college student at an electronics store attempt to buy a $789 VCR, but only offers $1. The proprietor won’t go below $789 and the student won’t go above $1. The have a whiskey, throw it into each other’s faces, then swap roles. The student sells the proprietor the VCR for $1, and takes charge of the store’s other employee Murray.
  • Fact: Uncle – A man’s been acting weird since he lost his job by dressing up in women’s underwear
  • Captain Calm – An obtuse and unexcitable ship’s Captain finds out that the navigator has got them off course from the South Pacific near Tasmania to the North Pole. Nearly hitting an iceberg, they decides to reverse course and back into the iceberg. The captain has gotten rid of the lifeboats since they don’t inspire confidence. Instead he clings to a fat man.
  • Fact: Strike – The fact girl wants more money so Mark takes her place while she negotiates with Murray.
  • Replaced 3 – After the credits roll, Scott is seen in bed with the android Scott. 6/2/20
• 051. Episode #3.11 – 12/17/1991
  • Girls – A drunk horny guy leaves a bar in search for women and follows signs in the street to get to them, only find that they only lead to the headcrusher
  • Mr. Right – A woman married a man  who immediately becomes crippled with depression so they divorce. Then she marries a man who is disgusted by her sexually and cheats on her with his mistress (Jenny Parsons) in their honeymoon bed, so they divorce. She then marries a third man, who has a twin and has been alternating sleeping with wives every other day. The fourth man she marries is shot and killed immediately following the wedding. This time she marries a woman.
  • He’s Hip 1 – A 45-year old hip guy trying to save the planet talks to his son and offers to smoke a doobie with him. When the son refurse, he says he’ll split it with his lawyer.
  • Extreme – A hipster guy and gal work in a clothing shop called Extreme, and they discuss their day in which every activity is discussed in exaggerated terms. They are visited by their friend Lacy, and no one can believe she was just mentioned in their conversation minutes earlier. They believe it calls for an exorcist.
  • He’s Hip 2 – The hip guy insists on eating with his family amid strobe lights and metal music
  • Harassment – A man named Joseph Underwood comes before a judge accusing himself of sexual harrassment. He testifies both as a plaintiff and defendant. The judge issues a restraining so that Underwood can’t come within 500 feet of himself. Before he leaves the courtroom, he is arrested.
  • He’s Hip 3 – The hip guy and his wife Volan each have affairs in the home
  • Stay Down – An obnoxious man in a bar picks a fight with a much larger man (Garry Robbins) and they step outside to fight. He gets getting punched out but keeps getting back up for more. The crowd keeps telling him to stay down but he keeps coming back for more, until his thrown into a dumpster and then onto the roof of the bar. It seems to be over, but he returns to the bar completely weakened and challenges the big guy once again. 9/18/20
• 052. Episode #3.12 – 3/3/1992
  • Cops: Opera – One cop sings opera and discusses that he might have made another career choice. The other cops said he once thought of becoming a security guard.
  • Back on the Horse – A goofy guy tries to impress a woman at the party but ends up choking on a chicken kebab. They get him ot a hospital and save him, so he returns to the party and asks for another chicken kebab… and chokes again. He then returns and tries the boneless pork. This time when he shows up at the hospital choking, the doctor strangles him but the meat flies out of the patient’s mouth and into the doctor’s, and proceeds to choke him
  • Ed – Phil introduces Tom to Johnny Carson’s co-host Ed McMahon the actor, but it is clearly not the actual Ed McMahon, nor does it even look like him. Tom knows he is not Ed McMahon and informs Phil. Tom wants to play it cool, but Phil wants to attack him. They finally confront Ed, but he says he doesn’t need their validation, which makes Phil and Tom change their tune.
  • Cops: Shift – A cop pulls over a speeder wearing a blindfold, but when the cop’s shift ends, he is forced to let him go
  • Buddy’s Date – Buddy talks about his time after breaking up with his boyfriend Zeke. He talks about the fact that since then, he eliminated most potential dating groups because of fear of AIDS, other than an elderly virgin woman named Eleanor Parisi.
  • Tea Factory – A wimpy customer visits the Tea Factory shop, but he orders so wimpily that the propreitor won’t serve him until he says it in a manly way.
  • Cops: Asleep – One of the cops sleeps on the hood of his car from two and a half hours, and his partner doesn’t wake him up
  • Pickle – Pop singer Tammy performs a couple of songs at a nightclub and then meets the Governor General of Canada, who gives her an invitation to meet the queen. The queen visits a the oldest pickle factory in Ontario where she meets common citizens, including Tammy. Everyone eats a pickle, but Tammy is hesitant, and then treats like oral sex and drops it on the floor. The press blows it way out of proportion and causes the situation to escalate. The two later reconcile in a laundromat, and queen attends one of Tammy’s concerts. 9/18/20
• 053. Episode #3.13 – 3/10/1992
  • Boxing – Early film of the history of boxing, including the days before punching was invented, and ‘future’ of 1962 when boxers will shoot lasers from their eyes
  • Pizzeria – Two perverts run a pizzeria where they attract high school girls, including Laura Capelli (Neve Campbell) by charging next to nothing. When cops invade the place, the guys are ready to give themselves up, but they are there for Laura who has killed her teacher
  • On the Subject of Me: Cow – A man laments that he used to believe a soprano in the New York Opera. Now he milks cows and uses the milk to paint a fence.
  • Bartending School – An insecure bartender who thinks he is too small for his girlfriend, seems to be threatened by her every move, and they spend some time behind the bar pointing out what they have given up for each other
  • On the Subject of Me: Caricature – A man getting a caricature tells how he’d handle being stranded on an island, then he and the caricaturist laugh uncontrollably at the drawing
  • The Sudelmans – Big time movie executives the Sudelmans get a call from their goofy acting sensation Andy Belli and send him to an audition, before remembering that he can’t act. So they call the producer Harry Miller and demand that Andy get the part without an audition. They then catch Andy at the audition and send him home.
  • On the Subject of Me: Moustache – A man who is checking his oil talks about his mustache dream. He can’t find where the dipstick goes, so he discards it.
  • My Horrible Secret – A man highly sensitive to noise wears a toupee in secret, and when a squirrel sees him putting it on, he has to kill it. His landlady witnesses the squirrel murder. He works in a wig store, and is highly offended when anyone asks him any questions about the toupees. He goes home and his toupee blows off, and he is spotted bald by his landlady. His new secret becomes that he now wears a dead squirrel on his head. 1/7/21
• 054. Episode #3.14 – 3/17/1992
  • Poem: 99 Bottles – The Emperor of Japan looks for inspiration in nature to write a poem, then pens “99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall.”
  • Funeral Home – Gavin’s mother dies running a marathon, and his father Nick comes from jail to the funeral, and brings his new mother Sheila, who Gavin can’t stand
  • Poem: The Fall – While composing a poem while walking, the Emperor of Japan falls down a flight of stairs and bases the poem on that
  • The King – A grocery store clerk named Lex lends his co-worker Dean his VHS tape of Mahogany. Dean forgets to bring the video back and promises to bring him his video plus the Godfather. The next day he forgets the video, and promises to bring them both to dinner that night, which he promises to treat. Dean doesn’t show up, leaving Lex to fill up on bread… and see Dean walk by with a woman. Lex says he’ll meet him with everything once he takes his girlfriend home, but she lives in Winnipeg.
  • Advice – Bruce explains how he got started in comedy, and offers advice on how to make it work… all of which are strange things that happened in his life
  • Scar – After an appendix surgery, and man discovers that his stomach has a scar shaped like a swastika
  • Poem: The Empress – The Emperor of Japan puts his wife to sleep while reading her forty poems.
  • Emergency Troupe Meeting – Scott calls an emergency meeting with the Kids in the Hall to announce that he’s gay, over 30, and in love with someone in the room. Each guy thinks it is him, but it turns out to be a combination of all of them. He asks them if he can get a surgeon to piece them all together to form the perfect man, but they decline. 1/7/21
• 055. Episode #3.15 – 3/24/1992
  • Cops: Potato – The cops find an abandoned potato, and are not sure how to respond… other than noting how sick the town is getting.
  • Serial – A chapter in the serial Captain Wonderful and the Winged Avenger finds our heroes Captain Wonderful and his sidekick Arms Longfellow joined by the Winged Avenger hanging out at Superheroes Lair arguing over who is the best leading lady on Cheers, how the Winged Avenger never saw The Fly, when they are surrounded by Dr. Piranha and his men. While in captivity, they argue over who was married to Orson Welles.
  • Gross 1 – A man desperate for his phone to ring is disappointed when it finally does and he misses it, and then again, when he finds no one on the other end. On the other end is a woman (Tamara Gorski) who is also reluctant to make the call. Eventually they connect and make a date to meet in ten minutes, but the man then considers not going.
  • Cops: Thinking – A cop is thinking about the cable cords that run out of the wall, when an APB is put out on an escaped potato
  • Home Alone – Scott talks about being a gay boy who dressed up on bath towels like a princess when he is home alone, puts on smashed soda cans as high heels, and then has a buffet
  • Opened Up – Tom is introduced to a client named Leonard, who refuses to speak when the boss is away. Then when the boss returns, he tells him that Tom was a virgin until he was 26, is an admitted bedwetter, and is in a Satanic cult. All of these things somehow work in Tom’s favor. Tom thanks Leonard, who then punches him in the stomach, enabling Tom to find $50 on the floor.
  • Gross 2 – The desperate, reluctant couple have sex, but the man finds everything in the room to be gross: a tissue in the bed, fingernails on the nightstand, gum on the lamp, the lady offering to share her toothbrush, etc. He tries to leave, but when she kisses him, he is seduces again.
  • Shirlers – In an arena that normally hosts Monster Trucks, an extremely sparse crowd watches the Scottish curling games, whereby men in kilts are chained together around a barrel with a venomous snake on it that squirts poison in the men’s faces. After the game, the promoter asks fans what they thought, and the reaction is that it is strange. The promoter then shares half of the gate with a Monster Truck driver. 5/4/21
• 056. Episode #3.16 – 3/31/1992
  • Resemble – Scott Thompson illustrates how he looks like John Ritter, John Denver, Charlton Heston, Barbra Streisand, and Jeffrey Dahmer
  • Treatment – A strange French mime instructor named Jean-Pierre who thinks his name is Jerry visits his old friend Lister. Jean-Pierre is confused about his and everyone’s gender. Lister says he had treatment and is no longer the same as Jean-Pierre, but quickly reverts to his old self.
  • Fact: Ears – Ears need cleaned lest they grow tree branches out of them
  • Night Train – A soul singer who had a heart attack claims that he received a song from God called Night Train, and he plays it for the audience
  • Garbage Man – A man cheers on and praises a garbage man named Al Scagnetti, and even plans to move so he can be on this garbageman’s route… until he reveals that he works for the city and is suspending the man for doing a horrible job
  • Fact: Vanilla Ice – Vanilla Ice has fallen so far out of favor that he is selling vanilla ice cream
  • Bauer – A stoner is search of pot visits his stripper friend looking to buy some, but she only has the hard stuff. He meets a cop there who claims he is there for his ulcer. The officer discreetly gives the stone information on where he can find pot, sending him on strange odyssey through a warehouse. He comes upon a man who says he only has junk, and claims that there is no more pot in the world because the powers that be – namely oil companies – have gotten rid of it because the seeds of marijuana can be made into a fuel. The man then claims to be Satan, and gives the stone dreadlocks that contain marijuana plants. 5/4/21
• 057. Episode #3.17 – 4/7/1992
  • Father Figure 1 – While waiting in line for a slow hotdog vendor, two men lament the absence of the Flying Pig, who used to entertain people in line before he died. Everyone in the line start trying remember how he died. They settle on electrical wires. A street performer tries to take his place… unsuccessfully
  • God – A woman writes a letter requesting admittance to a dog show at the Mavisville Fair for her and her “god” Spot. The city planners worry that she’s really bringing her ‘god’ and not her dog. Before calling the National Guard, they decide she must have meant “dog.’ Six months later, their heads are all on a pike, as the townpeople worship a giant god named Spot.
  • Darcy & Francesca – Darcy hosts The Darcy Pennell Show and she has Francesca Fiori on the show to talk about her movie Sephora Sete, about a woman who wakes up with seven genitals. They show a clip of a man bringing her ointment, then sleeping with her and walking home funny.
  • Father Figure 2 – The street performer returns to the movie line, where he juggles for the crowd. Then the Flying Pig returns for real, but one of the patrons identifies him as the Son of the Flying Pig. He drops some of his change as he heads back to school, and the street performer scoops it up.
  • Letters from a Sick Bed – And old man named Tyrone Bibbins Esq. sends letters to loved ones and his oak tree that he will be dead soon. His servant James reminds him to send a letter to a container of yogurt. James takes them in the hall and burns them while playing a record of a galloping pony.
  • Joint – Tanya, an obnoxious girl at a party tries to change the music from rock to folk, then tries to buy some pot from two guys at the party. Then she steals someone’s bottle of champagne. She starts to leave and finds that her bike is stolen, so she asks the pot guys if they can give her a ride home, and although they decline, she waits for them to leave and smokes her joint.
  • Father Figure 3 – At an ATM line, the Son of Flying Pig returns and does more flips in the air. It is then attacked by a hawk and carried off. Everyone starts to argue whether he died the same way as his father. A pregnant woman in line is carrying the next pig.
  • Joint Tag – At the end of the party, the obnoxious girl is still asleep in her chair. Dave put on the Kids in the Hall theme music. 8/24/21
• 058. Episode #3.18 – 4/14/1992
  • Old Yeller 1 – Ma tells her kids that Old Yeller is rabid and gets ready to shoot him. Her son Toby comes along and volunteers to do it, and then takes the gun, fires, and blood covers his face. In the next shot, the dog’s trainer is seen walking off with the dog.
  • Skeletons – A boss call his employee Dan into his office and shows him an adult film called Room Serviced with Blade Rogers and Dalia Deeper. Rogers and Dan turn out to be one and the same, so Dan is fired. However, it turns out that the company now owns the porn studios and the boss wants Dan to work for that subsidiary. The boss then asks Dan to show him himself, and when he sees it, he immediately phones Lloyds of London.
  • Ugly Situation – A man and his girlfriend loudly bicker at a restaurant, a guy sitting next to them decides to say something, so he tries various lines… and gets punched. He gets knocked out immediately. He confronts him again, and winds up with an almost-broken nose. At the hospital, he again tries to say something to the nurse. She then straightens his nose, causing him to faint.
  • Vicky – Buddy Cole delivers a monologue at his bar surrounded by men about safer drug use. He talks about giving up smoking, and the do’s and don’ts of drug use, and other vices… or as he calls it, Vicky.
  • Old Yeller 2 – The Old Yeller scene repeats, but this time the dog is played by Alvin Touche, the baby born at Woodstock.
  • Armada – The garage band Armada is practicing, but the drummer Rod Torfulson comes late, brings Wendy’s fast food and his father. Rob’s dad gives them some advice about the music industry, and suggests they change the name to Rod Torfulson’s Armada. When bass player Herman gets annoyed by this, the lead guitarist, singer, and songwriter suggests Rod Torfulson’s Armada featuring Herman Menderchuck. They return to practice and play Hurricane Girl.
  • Horsey – A little girl comes riding in on her father, whom she refers to as ‘horsey’. Her mother finally tells her that her ‘horsey’ is actually her father. The little girl throws a tantrum and holds her breath. The father says they’ve now spoiled her, and they don’t know what to do. Toby comes in and shoots her. 8/24/21
• 059. Episode #3.19 – 4/21/1992
  • What – A woman dusts the house and occasionally glances at her husband, who asks ‘what?’. He continues to do this to her, the phone, the door, a kid at the door, and the audience.
  • Catlle Call – M.C. Simon Milligan hosts The Pit of Penultimate Darkness, and brings on his manservant Hecubus, who is drunk on arrival. Simon fires him, and it splashed all over the headlines. He auditions numerous other candidates to replace him but none are suitable, so he brings on a puppet of Hecubus. It fools no one, and Simon’s contract is torn up.
  • Clock Radio – A man taking a shower hears a noise in the other room, which turns out to be a father and son pair of burglars. The son escapes out the window, and the father knocks out the homeowner and goes back to steal the clock radio. The man wakes up and attacks the robber, and the scuffle turns on the radio. The homeowner is knocked out again, and falls down naked on the bed on top of the robber. His wife comes home and asks if he’s gay again.
  • Excellent Mom Frame – And man brings home a date to show her his etchings, which she assumes means he wants sex. Upon arrival, she finds the paining he is doing of his mother. They flash back to the time when it was just the man and his mother living their own strange existence. Back in the present, the mother comes into the room, anxious for her son to have sex. She offers one of her robes to his disgusted lady friend.
  • Cattle Call 2 – Hecubus has made his way to Afrida, and is now the British High Commissioner to Zimbabwe. His alcohol bill is over $7000. He goes back to Simon, who enrolls him in AA.
  • Long Story – A man meets his friend for lunch, and as he tries to tell a story to him, the friend interrupts every step of the way to clarify… then accuses his friend of not telling stories very well.
  • Celebration – As the skit ends, Kevin interrupts and clears out the extras so he can announce that Scott has just completed his 100th role on the show as a waiter. They celebrate with a cake, but they insist Scott serve it since he idressed as the waiter. 2/24/22
• 060. Episode #3.20 – 4/28/1992
  • On the Subject of Me – Spleen – As Dave kisses his woman profusely, he says his spleen is twice as large as everyone else’s
  • Chicken Wedding – A bearded lady is getting ready to get married, which is a huge surprise to her father. All of the bridesmaids are bearded as well. The chicken lady shows up to congratulate her, and also tell her that she’s been having an affair with the groom. The bearded lady declares the wedding off and picks a fight, but the chicken lady throws her across the room and insists that she marry the groom. She finally agrees.
  • Whatever – A cocky rich man conducts an interview, often trying to prove how rich he is. He takes his wallet out of his pocket because it is so full that it makes his seat uncomfortable. The rich man then says his next challenge is to fly, so he jumps out the window and falls to his death. The interview subject takes the wallet and leaves.
  • Regrets – The Kids in the Hall as kids sit around a campfire drinking beer talking about how much they enjoy life as children. Bruce watches this scene on TV and waxes philosophical. He counts his regrets, and then lives them out. He even finally thanks Satan for giving them their start.
  • Check-Up – A man goes in for a check-up and is convinced that everything his female doctor does to him, she does because she is in love with him. She then declares he has scurvy and wants to see him back, which he thinks means she wants a second date. He then proceeds to pull his teeth out.
  • On the Subject of Me – Caesarian – A man who is feeding the ducks espouses that his mother had him via a Caesarian birth, because she always liked the hairstyle.
  • Spy Models – Spy model Francesca Fiori and her cohort Bruno Puntz Jones, who is masquerading as a member of the press, are attending a fashion show. A foreign general flirts with Francesca, but on her cue, Bruno shoots him with a poison dart, and he dies in the ladies room. Faced with having to dispose of the body, as Francesca is due on the runway, and other ladies need into the bathroom. They cut him up with a chainsaw and flush his pieced down the toilet. Once all of the blood and body is gone, they notice that they forgot one of the General’s legs. With no time left, Francesca wears the leg onto the runway as a stole, and it becomes the hit of the fashion show. 2/25/22
• 000. Season 3 Favorites Part 1 – UNAIRED
  • Girls – A drunk horny guy leaves a bar in search for women and follows signs in the street to get to them, only find that they only lead to the headcrusher
  • Mr. Right – A woman married a man  who immediately becomes crippled with depression so they divorce. Then she marries a man who is disgusted by her sexually and cheats on her with his mistress (Jenny Parsons) in their honeymoon bed, so they divorce. She then marries a third man, who has a twin and has been alternating sleeping with wives every other day. The fourth man she marries is shot and killed immediately following the wedding. This time she marries a woman.
  • Cabbie – Bigot – A cab driver is racist against an unknown ‘something’, possibly the Toronto Blue Jays
  • Body Conscious – A man in a steam room asks his friend to check out his large breasts, and his friend can’t stop checking him out
  • Fact: Stone – You can get blood from a stone… if you throw it hard enough
  • Cabbies – Pris – A cabby gets angry at another motorist and fires a gun at him. He then totes a convict along with the original passenger.
  • Extreme – A hipster guy and gal work in a clothing shop called Extreme, and they discuss their day in which every activity is discussed in exaggerated terms. They are visited by their friend Lacy, and no one can believe she was just mentioned in their conversation minutes earlier. They believe it calls for an exorcist.
  • The Pen – An office worker goes berserk when he can’t find his pen, then recalls loaning it to a customer, so he tracks him down and attaches himself to the man’s taxi. Later he attaches his pen to a chain attached to his head.
  • Fact: Strike – The fact girl wants more money so Mark takes her place while she negotiates with her lawyer Murray.7/1/22
• 000. Season 3 Favorites Part 2 – UNAIRED
  • Cops: Abuse -A lout picks on an officer, and his partner doesn’t rescue him since he thinks the cop knew him
  • Chicken Lady Show – The Chicken Lady gets on the stage trying to pursue a male dancer named Miner Joe. She compares notes with the Bearded Lady. She can’t contain herself with the next dancer, Rooster Boy, causing her to molt.
  • Cops: Old Lady – An old lady named Marjorie falls in the street and a man steals her bag of oranges. Another man tries to help and is sprayed with mace. Two officers nearby pontificate on whether they should have helped, but they were worried something could go wrong and they’d get sued.
  • The King – A grocery store clerk named Lex lends his co-worker Dean his VHS tape of Mahogany. Dean forgets to bring the video back and promises to bring him his video plus the Godfather. The next day he forgets the video and promises to bring them both to dinner that night, which he promises to treat. Dean doesn’t show up, leaving Lex to fill up on bread… and see Dean walk by with a woman. Lex says he’ll meet him with everything once he takes his girlfriend home, but she lives in Winnipeg.
  • Queen’s Address – The queen (Scott Thompson) addresses the nation about Canada renouncing the monarchy, confessing her love for the country and telling them that they need her… only to find out that her sons had fabricated the newspaper article
  • Cops: Asleep – One of the cops sleeps on the hood of his car from two and a half hours, and his partner doesn’t wake him up
  • Stay Down – An obnoxious man in a bar picks a fight with a much larger man (Garry Robbins) and they step outside to fight. He keeps getting punched out but keeps getting back up for more. The crowd keeps telling him to stay down but he keeps coming back for more, until he’s thrown into a dumpster and then onto the roof of the bar. It seems to be over, but he returns to the bar completely weakened and challenges the big guy once again. 7/1/22

SEASON 4

• 061. Episode #4.1 –10/6/1993
  • Cameraman Memorial – A tribute to Ted Riley, the cameraman from Channel 7 News, whose car tumbled off a cliff
  • Connecting with My Dog – A happy-go-lucky guy is living a lie at home; he feels nothing for his dog. One day their eyes luck and they have a fleeting moment of romance, until the dog burps and the moment ends.
  • Taxi Birth – A woman gives birth in a taxi since traffic won’t allow the driver to get her to the airport. The event makes the front pages in the news, prompting another couple to seek his services to delivery their baby. After it winds up in the paper again, people start coming to him to have their appendix moved with a pocketknife, and their brain worked on with a corkscrew. The sidewalk becomes a waiting room… until one man simply wants a ride to the airport, at which time he casts aside his patients.
  • Hookers – Undercover – A pair of hookers immediately recognize a customer as a cop, mostly because there is a uniformed cop stand a few feet away
  • Repair – Repairman Tucker bangs on Steve’s car with a hammer while trying to fix it. When Steve stops by, Tucker gives him every excuse possible why he can’t fix the car. Steve gives him a few more days.
  • Hair Styles – A gay activist tries to get Scott to appear at one of their rallies. All the while, Scott keeps changing his hairstyles with his hand and won’t give him an answer. He does the same thing with his dying grandfather and his lover.
  • Rude Awakening – A man wakes up his wife because he has a giant spider attached to his face. He tries to keep everyone quiet, but the kids come in and jump on his bed until he scoots them out. His wife complains that he doesn’t spend enough time with the kids, and that he doesn’t tell her that he loves her. When he finally tells her, she gets frisky with him and heads down under the sheets.
  • Hookers – Tourist – A tourist gets her photo with the hookers so she can look like one to. While posing, one of the hookers steals he wallet.
  • Would You Do an Alien? – The hookers discuss whether they would take on an alien as s customer if they were using alien money. One would, one wouldn’t.
  • Work Pig – An executive shows up to work, and then moves through his day at breakneck speed. Eventually he has a heart attack while working and tries to get it started gain. He winds up cutting open his chest and removing his heart then dousing it in coffee. The heart starts again for a bit but fizzles out again until he tells it to get back to work. It starts, he re-inserts it, and gets confirmation from his secretary that is heart is now back in straight, then returns to work. 10/24/22
• 062. Episode #4.2 – 10/13/1993
  • Showdown: Phone Call (Parents) – Two pairs of guys are about to fight in an alley. One guy asks the other guys not to use foul language as his parents are there to root him on as he completes. The other guys lament that their parents never show up for them.
  • Age – Cathy and Kathy watch another beautiful secretary eat potato chips and lament how pretty she is. She then gets roses and continues to eat junk food. Kat and Kathy discuss their aging and how depressed it makes them. The new girl then gives them her flowers since she’s running out of room. When another man asks about the flowers, they tell him they’re from the new girl and imply that she is a lesbian.
  • Showdown: Good Looking – The street fighters rumble with another pair. They decide that one will take the good-looking guy and one will take the ugly guy. They wind up both going after the same guy.
  • Darill Dream – Darill has dinner with a woman and starts daydreaming about a little Oompah band playing on a windowsill. The woman tells Darill that she usually daydreams about going to another place. Darill says he gets headaches when he dreams about that, so he goes to see a doctor, who identifies the huge mass growing out of his head as a brain tumor… but it all turns out to be another daydream. She walks out on him, so he decides to daydream an adventure for her. He has her playta triangle with the Oompah band.
  • Showdown: Creature – The fighters square off against a guy in a t-shirt and flesh-eating creature
  • Virtual Sex – Buddy Cole auditions a cartoon dancer using a virtual reality device. this leads to a conversation about the future of virtual reality sex.
  • Deer by the Water – Two New Yorkers drive in the country, and one of them spots a deer by the water. The other thinks it is a bear and refuses to get out of the car while his friends take a picture for the girls. While he is gone, the other eats his friend’s hard-boiled egg. It turns out to be a bear, so he makes a run for it back to the car, angry at his friend for eating his egg. The friend say he thought the bear was going to eat him, so he ate the egg.
  • The Escape Artist – Documentary film about “The Escapist” Cyril St. John after he passes away in 1976. This film shows vintage footage of his early days escaping wet paper bags. When he tries to move on to a straitjacket, weeks pass, and he never manages to get out. He enlists in the military but is injured hundreds of times because he is still wearing his straitjacket. When he returns a war hero, he is given his own sitcom called Fit to Be Tied, still wearing his straitjacket. He then starts making films including the terrible Bound to Serve. After its failure, he goes into retirement seclusion, until reruns bring him out of retirement where he makes on final appearance at Carnegie Hall, before dying, and being buried in a casket covered with a straitjacket. 10/24/22
• 063. Episode #4.3 – 10/20/1993
  • Fiore! – Nazi woman advertises the perfume Fiore!
  • Hookers – Holdin’ Out – One hooker establishes that the other is ‘holding out’, then they are ready to get hooking.
  • Fantasy – Cindy admits to her husband her sexual indiscretions. He fears that she has cheated on him, but she is only having fantasies… but it is about every man she sees. Among the thousands are the pope and her father-in-law. Several men come to the door, but he shoos them away. He gets her to say that she prefers him to the thousands of men.
  • Plastic Surgeon – A man goes to see a plastic surgeon about getting a mole removed. The surgeon confides in the customer that he is turning his assistant into a rat. He also tells the man he envisions him having one giant eye. Since he is going mad, he offers him a large discount. Then the assistant sees his reflection in a water dish and attacks the surgeon, biting his neck. The police come and shoot the assistant rat.
  • Hookers – Ventolin – A hooker is running out of Ventolin and is wheezing, desperately in need of a customer.
  • Can You Dig It? – A man with no rhythm dances to a pulsating beat. Another one of him appears, and then a strobe light starts, which hurts his eyes.
  • The Big House – Dean is in prison and doesn’t have the money to pay back another inmate. He promises him he will pay him later in throw in an autographed picture of Gavin MacLeod. Another prisoner is in the electric hair waiting for a call from the governor, but Dean has the phone tied up trying to get Phantom tickets. Lex comes to see him, and Dean asks him to bake him a cake with a saw in it, promising him that he’s never let anything happen to him. Dean brings the case, but a guard makes him take it to the warden. Dean cuts all around the saw, but then the warden cuts his piece and reveals the saw. Lex is thrown in jail, and then tells him that he is being released that afternoon. He had wanted out in the morning for an appointment. Dean is escorted out, leaving Lex behind in jail.
  • The Pains – A man tries to pick up his shoes that he’s having repaired, but the cobbler brings him mismatched shoes, show trees, and a goose. While he’s waiting, Phil from the warehouse who has constant pain in his head insists on talking to the man, telling his problems about his rent. The customer has no idea who he is but tries to humor him. When he goes back to check on the cobbler, he finds him watching TV and eating soup, so he storms out. The cobbler recognizes Phil from the warehouse with the pains in his head and invites him back for soup.
  • Hookers – John Wayne – One of the hookers tries to do an impression of John Wayne, but nearly passes out without her Ventolin. 2/27/23
• 064. Episode #4.4 – 10/27/1993
  • The Pardoning – The governor calls a random citizen to pardon a prisoner, but it is a wrong number. The citizen looks up the prison’s phone number, but when he gives the governor the correct time, the governor realizes it is too late.
  • No Contest – Two guys are drinking water in a bar and ask for more. A worker identifies that the water is actually goose sweat. Just then a man in a towel named Bellini walks by. Bruce announces a contest to enter whereby the viewer should send in a drawing of what they see the next time they spot Bellini in a sketch. The winner has breakfast with Bellini at their closest airport.
  • Showdown – Fish – Two guys get ready to fight a guy and his fish. One of the guys offers to take the fish, while his friend takes the guy.
  • Hookers – Phone Sex – One of the hookers has phone sex with a guy standing a few feet away, who then pays her.
  • Evil Patients – Sir Simon Milligan broadcasts from the Ultimate Pit of Darkness and discusses the multiple personalities of the human mind. He brings out Hecubus and hypnotize him to draw out his other personalities Ted, Fred, and Ed, who seem like the same personalities. Simon gets annoyed and wakes up Hecubus and slaps him.
  • Showdown – Bruce and Dave – The fighters take on a guy with a marketing degree and a walrus manager, but they don’t know which is which, so they have to introduce themselves.
  • Cheating – A man and woman move into a new apartment and begin painting. The girl wants to make love, but the guy would rather paint. She asks him if he is cheating, and he says he isn’t. He also admits that he probably wouldn’t tell her and would lie about it. He again tells her that he’s not having an affair and is innocent until proven guilty. He won’t let her look at his wallet and rushes into the bathroom to empty it in the toilet.
  • The Sandwich People – Bruce talks about people who look forward to their sandwiches. He maintains they don’t want much out of life but look forward to sandwiches. He likens them to the ‘poo people’ who walk their dogs and pick up their poo. But the Village People are the saddest people of all, although they have sandwiches to look forward to.
  • Mr. Wrong – A businessman named Danny gives a presentation without his chart. A man in the crowd is in utter pain because he has put salt in his eyes, and Danny tells him not to put salt in his eyes. The next day, the presenter has his charts, but they are conflicting. The observer can’t recall if he is supposed to never put salt in his eyes or always put salt in his eyes. On the third day, he can’t remember what was said so he tries to kill Danny… but puts salt in his eyes instead.
  • Mrs. Ondaatje – Bauer helps his friend Kyle’s mother Carol with carrying home the groceries. Kyle is shocked when Bauer tells him he learned that his mother was in the water ballet. He is even more furious when he learns that Bauer gave his mother a massage. Kyle tells Bauer he will never be his father, but Bauer maintains it is possible since Kyle’s father will probably die of a heart attack. Kyle won’t let Bauer take out the garbage since it his job. After Bauer leaves, Kyle blows off his mother when she asks him to take out the garbage. Bellini then walks out of a condom box on the kitchen table. 2/27/23
• 065. Episode #4.5 – 11/3/1993
  • Newscasters – A weatherman gives the forecast, but makes no promises since he’s not God
  • The Fun Never Stops – A bloody patient in the hospital keeps playing jokes on the doctors by pulling out his IV and throwing urine on the floor when they try to revive him with a defibrillator. After he dies, pizzas show up as he laughs under his sheet.
  • Perks – A man named Donovan responds to Scott’s romance ad while Scott is working on the show. Donovan says that in real life, Scott could never have him, but Scott says he’s not being as discreet as she should be since they are on TV. However, when Donovan tells him that he is straight, Scott says to go to a commercial.
  • Neckbone – A family is having a turkey dinner, and the husband John insists on having the neckbone. However, after staring at his wife, he decides he is in love with her and wants her to have it. She winds up choking on it, turns blue, and then dies in her chair. Her spirit floats above her and she runs into her neighbor Iris, who just had the refrigerator fall on her and is dying as well. Iris decides to return to her body so that she can go over to Iris’s house and assist her.
  • So Says You – A husband named John pretends to be stricken with amnesia, but his wife insists that she knows he’s faking. John proposes that he goes and hangs around some loose women until his memory returns. When his wife threatens him with a baseball bat, his memory suddenly returns. John then says he can’t sleep because he may never wake up. He suggests that he go hang around some loose women until the fear goes away. When his wife pulls out the bat, his fear suddenly goes away.
  • Sex Girl Patrol – A hippy director talks to an interviewer about his new film Sex Film Patrol. It is about the forces of sex are dominating the Earth, so the Grand Council of Hot Love up in space dispatch three Love Commandos to seek out hate, evil, and sex problems. The join up with the Earthling Sex Boy and set out to save the planet. Sex Boy gets kidnapped by a fundamentalist preacher, who holds him hostage. Sex Girl Trudy receives a VHS tape and plays it for Monique and Angela, which shows Sex Boy ties up. The preacher appears in the tape, so the girls track him down to the Blue Note Club. Another preacher and his men show up, but the girls are able to seduce them with the Deadly Sex Look. They then find the original preacher and Sex Boy and are able to summon a caveman to help free Sex Boy. They al celebrate once freedom is achieved. The director and interview join them all in celebrating. 8/1/23
• 066. Episode #4.6 – 11/10/1993
  • Deer by the Water: Radio – One guy sings in the car, but the other one wants to turn on the radio. Once they do, the first guy starts singing along the same tune he was already singing.
  • AT&Love: Kathy Big-Bats – Kathy becomes a booster when she sees the Toronto Blue Jays with their big bats on TV, prompting her to go to one of their games. She becomes a booster and becomes obsessed with Kelly Gruber. It causes her to forget how to be a good secretary, so she starts practicing. Once she gets her groove back on, Gruber hits a solid single, realizing everyone has to give it their all.
  • Apartment Games 1 – Two guys in an apartment play a game of throwing their beer bottles at a pan, which then falls into the sink. Then they slap each other. The whole game causes their neighbor to go crazy.
  • Knife Sharpener – A man is brutally murdered in a house. A man with an axe sharpener comes out of the house and hires a man with an axe sharpener to sharpen axe for $2. The killer warns the man with the sharpener not to mention it to anyone else.
  • Food – A woman named Doreen visits her neighbor Fran to ask to borrow a cup of salsa. Fran’s husband asks her to put some spicy peanut sauce on his burger, but she can’t relate to that. She goes on a monologue about the old condiments vs. the new fancier condiments. She blames the explosion on marble cheese, which was followed by salt and vinegar chips. When her son Brian comes home, his mother finds pills in his jacket, and he tells her that the pills are a meal in a pill given to him by an astronaut. She serves one of them to her husband, but he recognizes it and they call Brian back.
  • Apartment Games 2 – The apartment denizens play a game of bouncing a rubber ball in the bathroom, which then gets lodged in the bathtub drain, as the neighbor continues to plead that they keep quiet.
  • Forceful Friend – A guy named Tom brigs his friend John to meet a new girl named Laura. Tom and his girlfriend take pictures of them hoping that thing will work out between them. They try to convince them that they have too many connections to fight the potential relationship. Everyone in the bar seems to agree and roots for them to kiss. Later they make the headlines when the axe murderer kills them on their honeymoon.
  • Maria – Mr. Fralich gets a visit from his housekeeper Maria on cleaning day. He falls asleep and has a dream that he makes out with her, then wakes up screaming. That night he goes to bed with his wife and dreams that he gets up and finds Maria in his shower and joins her. He once again wakes up screaming and decides he has to fire her. When he tries to let her go, he instead asks her to marry him. Mria’s husband then comes after Fralich with a knife. However, they wind up making out. Fralich then winds up in bed with Maria and her husband.
  • Apartment Games 3 – In the apartment, the game-players cause an explosion, and one of them ends up with his hair on fire, telling the other that he is getting to competitive. The phone rings, but it is too melted to answer. 8/1/23
• 067. Episode #4.7 – 12/16/1993
  • The Beatles – A guy tells his friend that his favorite album is Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band by the Beatles. The friend claims to have not heard of the Beatles since he was confined to his room thoughout the 1960’s. The he admits he is just kidding.
  • Chicken Lady Homecoming – The Chicken Lady returns to the farmhouse where she was born. She recalls the folks that cracked open her egg blamed a human man that looked like her for causing her birth. She recalls watching her parents make love, the school bus passing her by, and her first kiss with a boy. She then returns to the Bearded Lady waiting in the car, and as they drive off, the Chicken Lady identifies the next house as her as well.
  • He’s Hip – Hiring 1 – He’s cool. He’s 45, but he fired his attractive secretary because she served him tap water.
  • Patient/Doctor – Dr. Banning speaks to Mr. Fanning and tells him that his test results indicate he has a cancer and a brain tumor and that he only has a month to live. When Fanning freaks out, Banning tells him that these were Banning’s own test results, not Fanning. Then he realizes that the files were switched, and it is actually Fanning with the terminal diagnosis. While Fanning looks over the results, it turns out that the paperwork in the folder belongs to Mr. Manning. As they prepare to tell Mr. Manning the news, Banning and Fanning can’t help but giggle like school children.
  • Things to Do – A man with a list of things to do gets interrupted when he goes to the bank to fulfill his first obligation, and winds up in the middle of a bank robbery. The leader of the gang keeps killing members of his own gang to show folks what he will do if they do not comply. The robbers take the man with the chores as their hostage, but the man insists on keeping his schedule. He throws himself out of the car in front of the dry cleaners, so he picks up his clothes. The proprietor won’t let the clothes go without a ticket, so the robber shoots another one of his own men to prove what will happens if the dry cleaner won’t give the man his dry cleaning. When the head robber shoots the driver to show what could happen to the man, the car crashes and knocks out the head robber as well. The man goes to get his postage stamps next.
  • He’s Hip – Hiring 2 – The 45-year-old boss doesn’t hire a male candidate because he drools on his joint.
  • He’s Hip – Hiring 3 – The 45-year-old man hires another attractive secretary but tells her that he’s not hiring her because she’s a young, beautiful woman, and notes that he and she, as feminists, have to stick together.
  • Judy, Fran, & Gaugin – Following the funeral of Judy’s husband truck, Fran tries to comfort her and tells her that the neighborhood will be supportive of her. Judy is happy to be free of her fat husband and his burping, farting, and football. Judy is planning to use her insurance money to travel. Fran starts thinking about blowing up her husband Gordon. As Judy leaves, she reminds Fran not to let her policy lapse. 11/29/23
• 068. Episode #4.8 – 12/23/1993
  • Hookers – Rich Guy – A guy in a limo offers to give a hooker a life of luxury, but she says no. After he drives off, she remembers that she said ‘no’ when she met ‘yet.’ Her friends asks if she wants to go for coffee and she also says ‘no’, once again meaning ‘yes’.
  • Gavin – Religion – Two religious guys stop by Gavin’s house to talk to him about the Lord. Gavin is watching Richard Simmons on TV and starts giving the guys facts. He tells the guys that his mother has died and asks them if they have news from her. Gavin’s father is suffering from a hangover, and the guys tell Gavin that he has the devil in him. After Gavin tells them more nonsensical stories, they decide to leave and never come back, leaving Gavin with the impression that heaven doesn’t exist.
  • Try It Now! – A couple try to leave their house on a snowy morning, but the car won’t start. The man looks under the hood and tells her to try it now. Then he closes the hood and has her try again. He leans on the hood, kicks the tire, and washes the windshield, each time telling her to try it afterward. He then paints the car red, but it still won’t start. He then decides they should stay home, but tells her to try it a couple more times. Finally, he finds a neighborhood baby under the hood, and the car starts. He puts the baby inside the neighbor’s doggy door.
  • Just Terrific – Two guys at a health spa discuss things that are terrific. The first items relate to going out to eat, and they are declared “Dull”. The second relates to getting up early, having a meal, and then going to work… but driving by the office because it is Saturday. These are rated as “Dull since the heart attack.” They look forward to the Christmas party and think it will be terrific. This is four years until the next heart attack for one guy, and 11 days until the next heart attack for the other guy.
  • Hookers – Puppet – A nervous guy approaches the hookers but is too shy to speak to him. Once of them uses a sock puppet to communicate with him, and they start to go home together. However, when she takes off the sock, the man runs away screaming.
  • Coincidence – Kevin notes the similarities between his family and the Airport movie series. For instance, his father was a salesman, and the main character of the film was a salesman. The first sequel to the film starred Karen Black, while Kevin’s mother dyed her hair black. The third film has the plan going underwater, the same year that Kevin failed his swimming test. The scene then collapses around him, and he is rescued by Charleton Heston. Coincidence?
  • Listening In – Mr. Shanders joins a business meeting, and he is full of sarcasm, insults, and bitterness. He then realizes that the men in the room can read his thoughts, which he is actually speaking out loud. It is then revealed that the board members are all from another planet and eat the light from flashlights for lunch.
  • Hookers – New Coke – The hookers are introduced to ‘New Coke’ cocaine by a dealer named Rudy. The dealer gets offended and storms out, leaving the hookers to finish the cocaine.
  • Thanksgiving – During a family Thanksgiving, the grown son George disrupts everything by telling bad jokes and being obnoxious. When they sit down to the meal and apologizes and tells them he’s only upset because he’s been demoted at work after losing three fingers. He then runs around the room and strip to his underwear, then returns to the table and apologizes again. He requests to say grace, but then questions what God was thinking when he made him the butt of life’s joke. 12/2/23
• 069. Chalet 2000 – 12/30/1993
  • H.R.H. Queen Elizabeth II (Scott Thompson) is upset by all of the bad publicity that the royal family is receiving, culminating with a photo in The Sun of her butt taken from a toilet camera. As she pleads that she needs a buddy in whom to confide, she sees the face of Buddy Cole in a snow globe. She immediately takes off for the Canadian Northwest to visit Buddy at his cabin, known as Chalet 2000. A reporter named Lanky Dean (Mark McKinney) is hiding in the Queen’s bedroom and phones in to his paper that he is going to follow her. Buddy lives quietly in a cabin in the Northwest with his butler Pierre (Hans Von Veldenkoop) and his servants Rebel (Dayo Ade) and Sinbad (David Duranovitch). Two other friends of his, ice fishermen named Jacques (Dave Foley) and Francois (Kevin McDonald) show up at the cabin with a giant block of ice that they caught while ice fishing. It appears to contain someone, so they decide to let it melt to see who or what it is. As everyone dines together, Buddy introduces his adopted son, a beaver named Casdorf (Bruce McCulloch), who eats Lucky Charms and beer. The Queen shows up and shows Buddy the newspaper, and Lanky Dean is hiding not far behind. The Queen takes a bath and chats with Buddy, who says she should relax by having an affair. Cadorf then begins to bathe her and the two begins to kiss. Lanky Dean reveals himself in the bath water and takes pictures of the Queen. She panics and runs out of the cabin and into the cold night. Buddy assembles everyone in a sleigh and they head up into the sky looking for the Queen. While they are in the air, they come across Santa Claus (Dave Foley). The Queen falls asleep in the snow, as Lanky tries to get pictures of her. Casdorf sees him and bats his camera out of his hands. They all go back to the cabin to warm up, where the Queen decides to reveal her love for Casbro. Buddy ties up Lanky and gets him to admit that it was actually his butt on the cover of the Sun magazine. As the sun comes up after nearly 24 hours of darkness, the ice begins to melt, and it is revealed that it is Buddy’s Uncle Rip Taylor (himself) inside the ice. 4/9/24
• 070. Episode #4.10 – 2/2/1994
  • Receptionist – A receptionist can’t remember the names of callers, nor his own boss or company’s name
  • Walk a Mile in My Shoes – Hecubus hosts a show from the darkness pit, until his Master comes along to make sure he’s moving at a brisk pace. Hecubus shoots him with Sodium Pentothal, which acts as a truth serum. He gets the Master to admit he lusts for sixteen-year-old girl. He also admits that he fantasizes that he’s a dentist. Hecubus brings him out of the trance.
  • Cops: Rookie Trick Question – The cops quiz a rookie about what the incident numbers are but throw him a trick number.
  • A Soulfulness They Never Had – A woman sees a redneck psychic about her son, and he makes her deliver a package in order to save him. Once she has delivered it, she calls his office where she is assigned further packages to delivery. As she runs all over town delivering packages, others are doing the same thing, and wind up fighting each other to deliver more packages.
  • Cops: Rookie Coffee – The rookie brings two cops cups of coffee, and they tell him to pour them on the ground
  • Answering Machine – A guy does Jack Nicholson impersonations on an answering machine utilizing his girlfriend Christine for sound effects. She wants to do a strait answering machine message, but the man thinks people expect more out of them. Christine then tries to create the message herself, but her boyfriend thinks it is terrible and they get into a fight. This fight winds up being a message, and a caller finds it to be the best one yet.
  • Celebrity – Scott Thompson is now a celebrity, which means he can now talk in public about his childhood problems. This helps commoners come to terms with their own problems. He thanks all of the celebrities out there who make him feel better about his pathetic life.
  • Cops: Rookie Puke – The rookie throws up after seeing his first dead body, and the cops kick him in the seat of his pants since it is tradition
  • Divorce Court – Mr. Tusan claims in divorce court that his wife hits him. Mrs. Tusan, aka Miss Francesca Fiore, refuses to swear in, but says that he only married her husband for Canadian citizenship. She says it is hard not to hit her husband, and the point seems to be proven when the bailiff smacks him in the head. The judge calls Mr. Tusan to approach the bench, where the judge hits him with the gavel. Bruno Ponce-Jones shows up and claims that he is married to Francesca. When Bruno shoots the lawyer, she realizes he loves her. When asked why by Bruno why she would want to be Canadian, Mr. Tusan says that Canada has the best health care system in the world… and everyone agrees. 4/9/24
• 071. Episode #4.11 – 2/9/1994
  • Alan Bouvier – Alan explains the nature of a best friend and how it isn’t necessary to talk all of the time… even when said friend Dougie is about to be hit by a car
  • Career Crisis – A human prisoner gets an anal probe on a spaceship by aliens and then has his memory erased. One of the aliens questions his career choice as to why they have been capturing humans and taking anal probes when they don’t seem to learn a thing. The other alien thinks that the leader has his reasons. The next victim seems to enjoy it.
  • Nice Day for Work – A guy named George who has previously been let go shows up at the office and tells his friend Ken that it is a nice day for work. George clearly wants his job back but their boss Mr. Anderson calls security. George handcuffs himself to the desk, and as he is dragged out with the drawer, he tells everyone that he’ll bring a gun next time.
  • Hookers: Plastic Surgery – Two hookers talk about plastic surgery, and one says she would have her ears done since she has cauliflower ear. The other one says she’d have her teeth removed.
  • Armada: Understudy – A band knows as Rod Torfulson’s Armada Featuring Herman Menderchuk is practicing when the band’s guitarist returns and finds a new fast guitar player named Tony playing in his spot. The guys tell him that Tony is his understudy. Herman the drummer admits that they want to get rid of him since everyone thinks he stinks. The guitarist agrees to put the other two guys on salary and allow the band to add the Dudettes background singers on the condition that he can stay around for a while.
  • Hookers: Commitment – One of the hookers wants to buy a cactus, despite the warning from the other that it will represent a big commitment
  • Lost and Found – A businessman buys an ice cream cone and then hears a little boy crying to his mother because he lost his dog. The man breaks into a rendition of Do-Re-Mi and is joined by four other businessmen and other strangers in the area. Once they sing, dance, and finish the song, the dog returns.
  • Clothesline – A guy writes a letter to a man who is in the hospital. He explains that he put him there when the victim rode by on his bicycle and the man clotheslined him. He still wonders why the guy was riding his bike on the sidewalk anyway.
  • Hookers: Too Easy – One of the hookers enters a car and then exits seconds later. She is upset because it was just too easy.
  • Comfortable High – A couple’s son Dennis has been experimenting with pot, and they tell their friends Graham and Nina how they caught him with it, confiscated it, and then smoked it. Graham is quick to join in, but Nina takes some convincing. She winds up getting too high and too paranoid almost immediately. Dennis comes home and asks for his pot back, but his father tells him that he has to have it tested. Nina winds up running out of the house after thinking that the pot is laced, and she is losing her hair. Graham calls the police and reports a nude woman at the 7-11, which they will likely see in about fifteen minutes. He also asks to order a pizza. 8/28/24
• 072. Episode #4.12 – 2/16/1994
  • Luck – Two men go after a promotion, but one thinks he will get the job because he licked a lobster for luck. When he pulls the lobster out and starts licking it, the other, more experienced man Simms, takes it from him and licks it himself. When the boss sees Simms licking the lobster, he says he was going to give him the job, but since he is too busy licking the lobster, he is going to give the job to the other guy.
  • Fine Line – As a man talks to his girlfriend during a breakup, it is noted that there is a fine line between a nice guy, a loser, and a potential stalker
  • Tuck It In – Two agents tell an actor that the producers like him, but that they want the actor to tuck in his shirt. He is resistant since he thinks that not tucking in his shirt is his identity. They tell him that the producers once wanted James Dean to untuck when he didn’t want to, but he did what he had to do. The agents send him off to live in a cardboard box. He finally agrees to tuck it in, knowing when he can make his own demands, he can always untuck.
  • Losing My Religion – A religious man hands out flyers for Ted’s Church of the Very Bright Lights, but nobody wants any part of it. He ends up talking to Ted since they are the only two guys in the church for the last six years. Ted tells the story about how he was called to be a prophet, when he saw bright lights and God told him to tell everyone hi. He tries to trick folks into giving his message by pretending to have a car for sale. Ted releases the man and tells him from now he will just be his friend and not a cult member.
  • Serpico – A robbery victim calls the police, and a self-effacing cop who refers to himself as a cowardly, corrupt pig arrives. When the victim gets frustrated, the cop shoots him and plans to frame his wife.
  • The Hangover – A man tells the tale of his survival of “The Hangover.” He goes through the story day-by-day as he wakes up with another man with the same hangover. His girlfriend breaks up with him. When he finds out that his teeth haven’t been removed, he plays a game of ‘screaming numbers.’ He realizes he is color blind when the pizza arrives. By day eight, he starts to think he’s not hungover, but an old man stuck in a hammock. He realizes he went into work one day, played a game of ‘screaming numbers’ and is fired. He called a press conference, and then goes to his ex-girlfriend to ask her to come back. She makes him vow to stop drinking, then has a drink to celebrate. On day twelve, he repeats the entire process.
  • Wild Man – During a business meeting, a boss sends his employee Daniel on an outdoor retreat to refresh. The group has a wild leader named Tiger who brings out the men’s inner animal. The leader names the businessman Great Wolf and is asked to dig deep and find the pain of his past and his essence. Danny recalls his father hitting hockey pucks at him as a child. He winds up chasing one of the other men through the woods while growling. During the next meeting with a difficult client, Danny gets on the table and howls, which wins over the prospective client. 8/28/24

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