The Terrible Catsafterme

SEASON 1 – CBS

Theme music by Wilbur Hatch

NOTE: Although the premise was completely changed, this series was a continuation of the series “The Lucy Show,” as Lucille Ball opted to end that show and re-format it to include her children as part of the cast

• 001. Mod, Mod Lucy – 9/23/1968
  • Lucy Carter (Lucille Ball) is a widow living in Los Angeles with her two children Craig (Desi Arnaz Jr.) and Kim (Lucie Arnaz), working at Carter’s Unique Employment Agency under her boss and brother-in-law Harrison Otis Carter (Gale Gordon), who is constantly exasperated with Lucy’s antics. The agency gets contracted form an important client named Mr. Caldwell (Lew Parker) to hire a band for his daughter Laurie’s (Nancy Roth) birthday party. Lucy suggest her kids’ band, with Craig on drums and Kim on vocals. Harry agrees to use them at the rate of $50, but Kim loses her voice while surfing and getting caught in the rain. Lucy takes over her role and performs the song All Alone and a dance to the song I Know a Place at the party in her mod attire, much to the delight of the partygoers and ire of Harry. Doris Singleton portrays Carter’s secretary Miss Doris Singleton. Nancy Howard is Mrs. Caldwell. Ludy’s singing voice is provided by Carole Cook. 9/16/14

• 002. Lucy Visits Jack Benny – 9/30/1968
  • Lucy and her kids are getting ready for a vacation in Palm Springs, where they plan to stay cheaply at a private residence. When Uncle Harry finds out that it will be cheap, he invites himself along. The residence turns out to belong to Jack Benny (himself). Although the rate is only $3.00 a room, Benny finds every opportunity to charge extra for the amenities: oranges, towels, binoculars, etc. Lucy and the family goes golfing, but her prattling on about her great shot causes Harry’s to land in the water. Benny retrieves the ball – for a charge. Back at the house, Benny barbecues hamburgers and hot dogs and directs Lucy and the family to serve it to tourist that are visiting his house for a dollar each. Even the bus driver – Ralph Kramden (Jackie Gleason) – gets to eat a burger, using one of Jack’s dollar bills as lettuce and exclaiming “How sweet it is!” Sid Gould is the tour guide. 9/16/14
• 003. Lucy the Process Server – 10/7/1968
  • Lucy is hoping to take the day off from work and go on a picnic with her kids, But Harry insists she come in to work. He assigns her to drop off $1500 at the bank and serve a summons to Mrs. Ryker (Reta Shaw), whom she knows is shopping at Femme Shop department store. When she serves the summons, Ryker throws it away, and Lucy later realizes that she had actually gave her the money. Harry and Lucy return to the store and search through the garbage. They end up finding the money, as well as a receipt of the items that Kim bought using Lucy’s charge card. When Lucy gets home, the kids surprise her with a picnic…and also the fact that Craig had broken a lady’s window while playing baseball and the lady will be over to speak to Lucy. It turns out the lady is Mrs. Ryker and Lucy is able to serve her the summons after Craig pays her the $10 for the window that he had borrowed from Kim. Lucy gives Craig the $10 to pay back Kim, but then collects it from her for the items that Kim had charged. Jonathan Hole is the floorwalker at Femme. 9/29/14
• 004. Lucy and Miss Shelly Winters – 10/14/1968
  • Clarence Wellborn (Bartlett Robinson), a producer from Majestic Studios needs someone to work as a temporary secretary actress Shelley Summers (Shelley Winters), a compulsive eater, and also act as a weight coach to help her lose 15 pounds before she stars in a major film. Lucy convinces her to start a diet and exercise regimen, but soon Shelley falls off the wagon and gives up on her workout and sneaks food from around the house.  Later Wellborn comes to visit Shelley and find her looking slender, down 15 pounds. Unfortunately Lucy has eaten all the food before Shelley could get to it, and she has seemingly put on the weight that Shelley lost. 9/29/14
• 005. Lucy the Conclusion Jumper – 10/21/1968
  • Kim is working on a school project with her friend Don (Don Crichton) about the pitfalls of teen marriage, and naturally asks her mother about the cost of living. Later at work, after serving Harry sweeping compound in his coffee, Lucy is told  about Harry’s friend’s high school daughter who eloped. This causes Lucy to jump to the conclusion that Kim and Don are eloping. She and Harry go to City Hall’s Marriage License Bureau to stop them, but wind up in a long line where Harry gets in a tit-for-tat clothes ripping fight with another customer (Jack Donohue). When Lucy gets home she finds Kim and Don, who tell her about the paper they are working on. Harry asks Lucy for more of her coffee. Sid Gould is the clerk at the License Bureau. 11/2/14
• 006. Lucy’s Impossible Mission – 10/28/1968
  • Lucy stumbles into a phone booth and receives a self-destructing message (voiced by Bob Johnson) ala Mission: Impossible that is meant for an Agent Geller (Richard Derr) which gives instructions for a rendezvous with agents that are going to be impersonating the royal family of the Arabian nation of Cabazonia. Since Lucy cannot remember the rendezvous codes, she has the idea of her and her family impersonating the family. Agents Geller and Johnson (Jack Collins). She portrays the Queen, while Harry is the King, and Craig and Kim are the Prince and Princess. The object is to steal a microfilm from the heel of Ambassador Korlik (Joseph Ruskin) of the Slobatany embassy that contains the names his agents. She is armed with an agent that will send them into suspended animation. During the party, Korlik claims to remember her from a previous affair, and ask her to repeat her famous dance, which she fumbles through. However Korlik is onto her and when she attempts to spray the agent on him, she hits Geller and Johnson. She finally gets him and steals the microfilm, but he comes to and chases her, though interrupted by the dancers. Lucy finally shoots him with the agent again and everyone can make their escape with the mission accomplished. John J. Fox is a policeman. 11/2/14
• 007. Lucy & Eva Gabor – 11/11/1968
  • Martin Phillips (Robert Carson), the agent for Eva Von Gronyitz, author of the steamy Valley of the Puppets of which Lucy is a fan, offers Harry $500 per week to find a place where Eva can stay to adapt her book into a screenplay. Because the book is controversial, she is constantly being hounded by the public, so Harry suggests that she stay with Lucy…for $50. Eva dictates the book to Lucy, but she has trouble maintaining privacy after Lucy lets her friends Maude (Peggy Rea), Nelly (Kay Elliot), and Dolores (Gail Bonney) come see her. They have to fight off photographers and reporters, and a visit from Harry. She rigs paint buckets to douse anyone who comes in through the door, and they are triggered on Phillips and Harry. Phillips tries to get her to leave, but Eva says she is getting material for her new book Life with Lucille. Phillips also lets it slip that Eva is paying $500 to stay there. Sid Gould is a delivery man. 11/30/14
• 008. Lucy’s Birthday – 11/18/1968
  • It’s Lucy’s birthday and after getting served breakfast in bed by her kids, she sleeps in until noon and reports to work at 1:00. When the kids call Uncle Harry, he lets her go home early. The kids visit Harry to see if he can arrange an escort for her. He declines, but suggests a nice Chinese restaurant. Craig dances with his mom, and she nearly shows him up when the music gets fast. Lucy struggles with chopsticks. When Craig realizes he forgot his money, Lucy feigns illness to leave without paying. Harry intercepts them on the way in and says that he paid for the dinner for her birthday. They go back to their seats and the restaurant brings her a cake and sings Happy Birthday in Chinese. Victor Sen Yung is the waiter. 11/30/14
• 009. Lucy Sells Craig to Wayne Newton – 11/25/1968
  • Harry takes Lucy and the kids to see Wayne Newton (himself) in concert, where he performs Danke Schoen and then wraps up with You’re Nobody Until Somebody Loves You, during which he says his farewells and announces that his drummer Harvey Lang (himself) will be leaving for two weeks for a stint in the Army reserves. Lucy takes the opportunity to address Wayne during the show and ask him to give Craig a tryout on drums…which he agrees to do. The next morning, Craig rehearses with Kim lip-syncing to Danke Schoen, which Wayne and his band (which include his brother Jerry Newton, Don Vincent, and Tommy Amato) witness to their amusement. Lucy also manages to have them watch her and Kim dance to Tea for Two. They rehearse with Craig by playing Rock-a-Bye Your Baby with a Dixie Melody, during which Lucy interrupts to make sure that the audience can hear and see Craig. He gets the job and at the next show they perform Swanee. He invites the family to take the stage and performs a banjo number, Waitin’ for the Robert E. Lee with Lucy and Kim. 1/14/15
• 010. Lucy’s Working Daughter – 12/2/1968
  • Uncle Harry gets Kim a job as a saleslady at the Lady Vogue Dress Shop. Lucy doesn’t want her to take the job at first, but when she finds out how important it is to Kim, she not only allows it, she buys her a new outfit, gives her sales pointers, and visits her and buys several dresses so that Kim will get the commission. Then while having lunch with Harry and Craig at Pierre’s, she puts on an impromptu fashion show, recommending Lady Vogue and Kim as the saleslady. After Kim makes more sales based on the show, she finally asks her mother to let her succeed on her own. Lucy agrees, but when a haughty customer named Mrs. Murdock (Barbara Morrison) blames Kim for her size 14 dress not fitting, Lucy comes to her defense and insults Mrs. Murdock. Kim’s boss Miss Simpson (Karen Norris) is okay with it and grateful to be rid of her, and also reveals that she knows that Lucy is Kim’s mother from all the dresses she bought. Joan Swift is Joanie. Vanda Barra is a customer. Sid Gould is the waiter. 1/14/15
• 011. Guess Who Owes Lucy $23.50 – 12/9/1968
  • Van Johnson (himself) shows up at Lucy’s house and says that his car broke down and he needs to borrow some money to which Lucy obliges by handing over $23.50. Later Harry’s richest client Douglas Alamo Davidson (Jeff DeBenning) comes to the agency asking Harry to find a big screen celebrity dinner to come to a party he is giving in Dallas for favorite cow Ethel, offering $50,000 for the engagement the next night. Meanwhile, Van Johnson’s manager Morgan (Tommy Farrell) finds out that a man who is the spitting image of Johnson is conning people out of money, pretending to be the actor with a broken down car. Lucy goes to see Van to cash in on the favor he owes her, assuming that it was him she lent the money to, but he thinks she’s crazy. However when Morgan tells him about the impostor, he realizes that she was on the level. Still desperate for a celebrity, Harry forces Lucy to impersonate Italian film sensation Gina Linguine. Van Johnson shows up at the party and sings Happy Birthday to Ethel, satisfying Davidson, and causing Harry to dress in scuba gear to fulfill his promise to swim Lucy to Catalina island if she can get Van Johnson to come to the party. Nancy Howard is Johnson’s secretary. 3/8/15
• 012. Lucy the Matchmaker – 12/16/1968
  • Lucy feels sorry for Harry and his bachelorhood, so she visits the computer dating service Select-a-Spouse to hook him up with someone. Lucy goes to meet the date first and it turns out to be her oldest and dearest friend Vivian Roberta Jones (Vivian Vance), who is now living in New Mexico. It turns out that Vivian had once went on a date with Harry that turned out to be a disaster, but is still willing to give it another chance. Harry is reluctant to go on the blind date, so insists that Lucy get a date and that they double. She visits the dating service again to have a date meet up with them at her house for dinner. Harry is aghast when he shows up for dinner and finds out that his date is Viv, showing much more interest in Lucy’s pot roast than Viv. Lucy’s date Bradley Henshaw (Rhodes Reason) shows up and is very attractive, so Viv takes off with him, telling Bradley that Lucy and Harry are an old boring couple. Dick Patterson is dating specialist Mr. Morton. 3/8/15
• 013. Lucy and the Gold Rush – 12/30/1968
  • Craig and Kim gather large rocks for their Geology class, and Lucy likes the Fool’s Gold rock and takes it to her work to use as a paperweight. A former miner named Jeff Simpson (Rhodes Reason) comes into the office looking for a job, and identifies the rock as real gold. Harry finds out that it sells for $14 a ton, so tries to find out where the kids found the rocks. He and Lucy negotiate how much each of them will get, with Harry initially wanting 75 percent, but settling on 25. Harry, Lucy, and the kids go to the spot where the dug it up, only to encounter the owner J.C.C. Tompkins (Philip Bruns), who offers to sell them the land for $1000. After they buy it, Tompkins reveals that he knows there is gold there, but it costs more to extract it than it is worth. Harry demands that Lucy pay for 75 percent of the land, but when he falls into the mine hole, he ends up paying her ten dollars to help him out. 5/1/15
• 014. Lucy the Fixer – 1/6/1969
  • Harry lectures Lucy on wasteful spending. Lucy goes home and chats with her kids about the upcoming football game, in which Craig is a third string backup and Kim is a cheerleader. Before the game, she is called away by Harry to do some work over the weekend. When she gets to his house, she finds that a lamp is not working and decides to help him fix it herself. Harry gets his arm stuck in the wall, rips his sleeves off, and ends up covered by soot from the chimney. They also rip out most of his drywall. When Craig and Kim come to get Lucy for the game, Craig shows them that the lamp simply wasn’t plugged in. 5/1/15
• 015. Lucy and the Ex-Con – 1/13/1969
  • Ex-con safe cracker Rocky Barnett (Wally Cox) comes to the employment agency and Lucy gets him a job as a janitor with the Parker Import Company. Soon Harry is enraged to find out that the company has had diamonds stolen from their safe and Rocky is the prime suspect. Rocky comes to Lucy and Harry to protest his innocence, and claims that due to a piece of a stethoscope he found, he knows that the robber is actually Doc Morgan (Bruce Gordon). Lucy and Rocky visit Morgan’s operation at the Seadrifter Cafe posed as elderly women named Abigail Throckmorton and Lydia Perkins from the Ladies Civic Betterment Committee. The plan is to pretend to get drunk so they are allowed to recover in the Office, and then get into the safe to get the jewels. Rocky really does get drunk, but manages to get into the safe. Lucy and Rocky are caught in action and are nearly shot before the police (Vince Howard, Larry J. Blake) arrive and arrest Doc. Irving Benson is Irving, Doc’s bartender. 7/13/15
• 016. Lucy Goes on Strike – 1/20/1969
  • When Harry refuses to give Lucy a raise, she organizes a strike with the other secretaries, led by her and her friend Isabel (Mary Wickes). Harry agrees to negotiate, but then dismisses Lucy once again when she makes her demands. Meanwhile Harry meets with his insurance agent Ted Driscoll (Whit Bissell) and takes out an additional life insurance policy on Lucy with Craig and Kim as the beneficiaries. Lucy however thinks that Harry is going to try and kill her, and becomes more suspicious when Harry gives her kids tickets to a baseball game, and then shows up at her house. Fearing for her life, Lucy knocks Harry out. Driscoll shows up and tells her what Harry was really doing, and Lucy is very apologetic and thankful… until Harry tells her that she still isn’t getting a raise. 7/13/15
• 017. Lucy and Carol Burnett – 1/27/1969
  • Lucy and the kids put Carol Burnett (herself) on the spot during the question and answer session during The Carol Burnett Show to ask her if she will star in Craig and Kim’s Angeles High School play to help raise money for a new gymnasium, to which Carol reluctantly agrees. They open with the act We Got No Gym (with an ensemble performance of Yes, We Have No Gymnasium), then tell the story of the two teachers – Lucy and Carol – who go into show business to raise money. The act is the song is We Got the Money, which features the songs Lullaby of Broadway, You’ve Come a Long from St. Louis, Mention My Name in Sheboygan. The third act is We Got Our Gym, with Craig performing You Got to Be a Football Hero, Kim performs All-American Girl, gymnasts perform a routine with a final cartwheel by Harry, and finally the ensemble performs Fit as a Fiddle and Rarin’ to Go. Carole Cook appears as a woman in the play. 9/13/15
• 018. Lucy and the Great Airport Chase – 2/3/1969
  • Harry is getting ready to fly out of LAX to San Francisco, and has a meal with Lucy, Craig, and Kim in the Theme Building. As Harry is about to depart, a double agent who has escaped from behind the Iron Curtain with a mysterious scientific secret known as Formula 14 passes it off to Lucy and then attempts suicide. Lucy and Harry are spotted by two enemy agents Kurt (Sid Haig) and Yang (Larry Duran), who proceed to chase them through the airport, out onto the tarmac, into the luggage processing area, down the conveyor belt, and into a lift outside the Theme Building. The agents are able to snag the formula, but then are attacked by Craig and Kim with a food cart and pastries. The police arrive and arrest the enemies. Harry realizes that he didn’t need to fly anyway, as Lucy had made a mistake and scheduled their San Francisco client in Harry’s office. Walter Janovitz is Dr. Maurice. Morgan Jones is Bill. 9/13/15
• 019. A Date for Lucy – 2/10/1969
  • Lucy is invited to the prestigious Stanley Llewellyn party, but has no date. Her friend Mary Jane Lewis (Mary Jane Croft) suggest that she ask Harry, but he already has a date named Lady Agatha Warren (Barbara Morrison). Kim and Craig recommend a debonair man named Tony Rivera (Cesar Romero) whom they met at a party they were working. Lucy refuses so they invite him over to meet Lucy, who is in the middle of cleaning and looks terrible. Nevertheless Rivera accepts the invitation… just before it is revealed that he is a jewel thief. Rivera’s partner Harvey (Dick Winslow) works undercover as the bartender and assists in the operation. Lucy catches on right away when Rivera steals Lady Warren’s bracelet. She tells Harry and then recovers it from the cocktail sauces. Rivera and Harvey hold Lucy and Harry at gunpoint, but Lucy manages to escape, engage Rivera in a dance, and knock him out, identifying him to everyone as the thief. 12/9/15
• 020. Lucy the Shopping Expert – 2/17/1969
  • Craig needs $100 to buy a surfboard, but since Lucy won’t give it to him, he decides to consult Harry about getting a job. After fumbling through a speech about the birds and the bees since he thinks that is what Craig is asking, he tells Craig that he should concentrate on his studies and not worry about working… until Craig asks him to loan him the $100. Craig ends up working in a grocery store under manager Mr. Sherwood (William Lanteau). Meanwhile Lucy cuts out of work while Harry is in San Diego in order to teach Kim how to shop smartly. Lucy visits the grocery store where Craig is working, not knowing of his new job, and quickly runs afoul of Sherwood and the produce manager Mr. Nicoletti (Ernest Sarracino) when she manages to ruin several displays and spray whipped cream all over the dairy. Sherwood is furious with Lucy, but instead of firing Craig tells him that the whipped cream will be deducted from his pay. Just then Mr. Garlfield (Irwin Charone) from the Nippy Whippy Whipped Cream Company shows up and gives Craig $100 as part of a promotion because of the two cans of whipped cream he has just ‘purchased.’ 12/11/15
• 021. Lucy Gets Her Man – 2/24/1969
  • Harry’s old army buddy Buzzy Brock stops by the office, and after revealing Harry’s old nickname “Foamy,” he says that he is still working for the government and trying to catch a reported spy named Arthur Vermillion (Victor Buono), who has sent for a stenographer to visit the Crescent Palms Hotel where he is staying. Buzzy is looking for a ringer to send in and report whatever Vermillion is dictating. Lucy immediately volunteers and Buzzy agrees, noting that she will have to memorized anything that Vermillion says to her. When her kids see her practicing her memorization skills and find out what she is doing, they fear for her safety and send Harry to watch after her, under threat of moving in with him if anything happens to their mother. Harry ends up disguising himself as both a bellhop and a maid, while a brunette Lucy takes down his dictated poetry, all the while trying to record him with a tape recorder she has brought along. When Vermillion finds out she has a recorder, he blows his top and starts chasing her around the room until Lucy knocks him out with a vase. Just then Buzzy barges in and reports that Vermillion has been cleared of being a spy and is in fact a greeting card author, worried that his competition will steal his ideas. 2/10/16
• 022. Lucy’s Safari – 3/3/1969
  • The Topanga Zoo calls Harry to help secure a game hunter to recapture an escaped Gorboona (Janos Prohaska) – a cross between a gorilla and a baboon. Harry secures Stanley Livingston (Howard Keel), an hunter who immediately attracts Lucy. When Livingston asks for a hunter to assist, Harry jumps at the chance in order to share part of the $10,000 reward. Lucy volunteers Kim and Craig to come along and act as ‘brush beaters’ and herself to carry the baggage. When they arrive at camp, everyone heads off to cut some birch rods for the cave except for Lucy who is left behind to set up camp. The Garboona arrives on the scene and takes the tranquilizer gun, ultimately shooting Lucy, who falls asleep while the Garboona takes off. Later Livingston has everyone dress up in native garb and perform the native ritual dancers which is said to attract the Garboona, who does eventually show up and dance the tango with Lucy. The Garboona – and Harry – are captured in the net. 2/11/16
• 023. Lucy and Tennessee Ernie’s Fun Farm – 3/10/1969
  • A farmer named Ernie Epperson’s (Tennessee Ernie Ford) visits employment agency from Broken Plow, California in search of farmhands to help him on his farm. They have no one to offer, but Lucy suggests that Ernie convert the farm into a city getaway. Harry likes the idea and promises to fund a commercial if he can be made partner. Ernie’s commercial for Uncle Ernie’s Fun Farm consists of Harry and Lucy and the kids portraying an unhappy family who is stressed about life in the city, and a musical revue advertising the farm. Lucy, Harry, Craig, and Kim open with milking a cow, followed by The Back Porch Majority and Ernie perming a duet of On a Wonderful Day Like Today and Zip a Dee Doo Dah. The Carters then join Ernie for a rendition of Heavenly Music, followed by Ernie’s advertisement for the farm with the song Make Yours Country Style. This is followed by a Mexican dance by Kim, a square dance combined with a hat dance by Lucy and Harry, and a percussion solo by Craig. Ernie then sings the ballad Little Green Apples, and the finale Y’All Come. 5/7/16
• 024. Lucy Helps Craig Get a Drivers License – 3/17/1969
  • Craig wakes his mother up at 5am to remind her that it is his 16th birthday. As he prepares for his driving test that day, Uncle Harry brings him a book and a check for $50, which he won’t sign until Craig turns 21. His mother gives him $10 and Kim gives him a turtleneck sweater that is all neck. At the License Bureau Craig aces the written examination and eye test, then gets his profile picture taken with Lucy constantly interrupting the photographer (Joseph Mell). Lucy then insists on riding along during Craig’s driving test, despite the objections of the the tester Wilbur Harlow (Jack Gilford). Lucy annoys Harlow all the way through the test, but he passes Craig for driving under such conditions. Harlow is thrilled when he realizes that Lucy is driving with a New York license and insists that she will have to take a test of her own, and he will deliver it. She refuses and he turns her into a policeman (Ray Kellogg). Lucy refuses to show her license and rips it up until she can get a new one, which prompts the officer to give her a ticket for littering. This thrills Harlow who sings Happy Days Are Here Again back to the license bureau. Herkie Styles and Sid Gould are clerks at the license bureau. 5/7/16

SEASON 2

• 025. Lucy Goes to the Air Force Academy: Part 1 – 9/22/1969
  • Lucy, Harry, and the kids are supposed to be delivering a camper to San Francisco from Los Angeles, but while Harry is sleeping Lucy detours to Colorado so that they can visit the Air Force Academy in Colorado Springs which Craig is interested in attending after he graduates. During a rain storm, Lucy pulls the camper over to sleep for the night, which ends up being right in the middle of the Air Force Academy property. Lucy steps out to stretch and Craig accidentally drives off without her, causing Lucy to have to hide amidst the cadets. They come back to pick her up and she escapes. Later they return and speak to the registrar (Frank Marth) looking for information and Lucy is surprised that Craig would actually get paid for attending. While trying to negotiate a raise, Lucy looks for the Lieutenant General and ends up getting hitting the emergency button and gets stuck on the elevator with the the Attorney General aka the Superintendent (Roy Roberts) of the Academy, whom she assumes is the janitor. Panicking that they will run out of air, Lucy attempts to escape through the trap door in the top of the elevator, which then starts moving. John Erwin is the show’s narrator. NOTE: This is the first of a two part episode. 8/9/16
• 026. Lucy Goes to the Air Force Academy: Part 2 – 9/29/1969
  • Lucy continues to track down the Lieutenant General to talk to him about Craig’s enrollment. She finds out the location of his 14:00 meeting and plans to meet him as they tour the facilities and see Cadet Chapel, the Planetarium, Vandenberg Hall, and the Mitchell Hall. While waiting for the General’s meeting, Lucy gets dragged down the hall by a floor scrubber and rescued by the General. He gets something in his eye and they head into a room for Lucy to help him get it out, and they end up in front of a camera broadcasting to the entire academy. Lucy is unable to see him for the meeting, so they spend the night camping outdoors so that she can try again the next day. The spot in which they camp turns out to be right in the middle of a tactical maneuvers exercise, and Lucy and the clan are captured by the Red Company team. When they are unmasked for the General, he is aghast to once again see Lucy… but nonetheless invites the Carters to be his guest at a parade later that day. As Lucy watches the parade, she pictures Craig as one of the cadets, and tells him how proud she is of him. Mel Blanc provides the voice of Woodward, a Red Company soldier. 8/10/16
• 027. Lucy and the Indian Chief – 10/6/1969
  • Working their way back to California, Harry takes off in the camper while Lucy on top of it trying to retrieve a blouse from the luggage for Kim. This causes Harry to have a minor accident. They run into an Indian guide named Running Water (Mickey Manners). Lucy heads off to find a place for a picnic and meets Indian Chief Sitting Buffalo (Paul Fix) who brings Lucy back to his hogan, presents her with a necklace and brings up a Medicine Man (Iron Eyes Cody) who does a dance and feeds her cornmeal. Running Water shows up and explains that Lucy has married the Chief. Her family also shows up and is aghast, but Harry then learns that this puts Lucy in charge of the tribe and that she has inherited Utah and reconsiders. Lucy learns that by putting a saddle outside the door of his hogan, she can get divorced. Harry tries to stop her by locking her out of the hogan, but Lucy exercises her authority by declaring Harry married to an Indian woman with no teeth. Lucy puts the saddle outside and then they head off. 10/23/16
• 028. Lucy Runs the Rapids – 10/13/1969
  • In the final installment of the desert trip, Lucy veers off course between Colorado Springs and San Francisco to visit Arizona. Lucy stops for a desert guide (Robert L. Hughes) who needs a push to get his car started, and nearly crashes into his car when he tells her that she will need to push him at 30mph. The group then goes looking for a place to have a picnic and tries to get into an abandoned Army surplus raft. Harry falls into the water and while trying to rescue him, the raft drifts into the Colorado River rapids. The guide tries to assist them by tying them to his motorboat, but Lucy doesn’t like the way he and Kim are looking at each other and unties them. Lucy falls overboard twice before they finally wash up on the shore, but are still stranded because high rocks abut both sides of the river. While sleeping that night, Lucy’s mattress is washed back into the river with her on it. The others rescue her in the boat and then hit the shore again. The guide shows up with Sheriff George (George Marshall) who arrests Lucy for the stolen raft and a report that they have disappeared with the camper. Harry agrees to pay the fine, and Lucy finds out that she broke the record for fastest trip down the rapids. 10/23/16
• 029. Lucy and Harry’s Tonsils – 10/20/1969
  • Harry announces to Lucy and the kids that he’s going to be having a serious surgery which turns out to be merely that he is having his tonsils removed. He is petrified about having the surgery, and balks about filling out the paperwork with the admitting Nurse Harlow (Mary Wickes). He meets a man named Mr. Phillips (Jack Collins), who is waiting for his fourth child to be born. He assumes Harry is also waiting for a baby, so they have a very confusing conversation. After a successful operation, Lucy and the kids visit Harry, and they cause havoc when Lucy causes him to get squashed in the adjustable bed, and the kids bring flowers that he’s allergic to. He demands that Lucy get him out of the hospital, but then has a change of heart when the attractive Nurse Dean (Paula Stewart) is assigned to him as the night nurse. When he tries to yell at Lucy and injures his throat, Harry is required to stay longer, and consequently he gives Lucy a bonus. Adele Claire is Nurse Whitton. 1/24/17
• 030. Lucy and the Andrews Sisters – 10/27/1969
  • As Kim adorns her room with film star posters, Lucy tells them about ho much of a movie and record fans she is. Patty Andrews (herself) is in town for an Andrews Sisters Fan Club convention and visits the agency in hopes of finding two women to fill in as her sisters and lip-sync along to their old records. Lucy volunteers that she and Kim can step in, with Craig imitating Bing Crosby. Patty loans Lucy some of her old original records to listen to for practice, but when Lucy breaks the valuable records, they all have to sing the songs themselves. Harry attends the show as the guest of one his business associates Elroy Sherwood (John McLaren), who is a huge fan of the Andrews Sisters, quickly finding out about Lucy’s lie to get off work – that she was bitten by a tsetse fly. The group performs a medley of Bei Mir Bist Du Schoen, South America Take It Away, Don’t Fence Me In, Pistol Packin’ Mama, Don’t Sit Under the Apple Tree, Three Little Fishies, Pennsylvania Polka, I’ll Be with You in Apple Blossom Time, and Roll Out the Barrel. Gary Morton is the show’s emcee. 1/24/17
• 031. Lucy’s Burglar Alarm – 11/3/1969
  • A man (Guy Marks) comes to see Lucy and turns out to be a robber, and although Lucy gets friendly with him, he still steals $1.19 and their TV. Detective Harvey Gaynes (Elliott Reed) gets a description of the burglar and recommends that Lucy install a $500 burglar alarm. Lucy is smitten with Gaynes so asks Harry to borrow the money. When he refuses, Craig rigs his own burglar alarm at the house, which will ring at the police station as well. They set the alarm before bed, and then have to avoid triggering it. When Harry comes over reconsidering the loan, he falls through the living room trap door. Detective Gaynes shows up and is caught inside a trap net with Lucy, a situation she quite enjoys. 5/6/17
• 032. Lucy at the Drive-In Movie – 11/10/1969
  • Craig performs an impromptu version of Sinatra’s It Was a Very Good Year, then informs Lucy that Kim is out on another date with the 21-year-old Alan Stevens (Robert L. Hughes). Lucy is concerned that the date will lead to marriage and her becoming a grandmother prematurely, and discusses it with Harry. Lucy’s concerns are slightly assuaged after she meets Alan and discovers that his father is a millionaire, but that doesn’t stop her from convincing Harry to join her in disguising themselves as hippies and spying on Kim and Alan at the drive-in movies. Her sneaking around provokes the ire of the manager (Larry J. Blake). When Lucy spots Kim holding the baby of Kim’s friend Jackie Berry (Jackie Joseph), she temporarily jumps to the wrong conclusion. When Harry and Lucy try to put the car’s top up, they get in a fight with another patron, and are thrown out of the theater, smashing into a car, and dragging the speaker with them. Lucy keeps her scheme a secret from Kim, who appreciates that her mother is ‘normal’ after witnessing the commotion. Lucy is irate when she finds that Craig’s date’s parents followed them to the movies to spy as well. 5/7/17
• 033. Lucy and the Used Car Dealer – 11/17/1969
  • Kim and Craig argue over who gets to use the car for their date on Saturday, but it is all for naught as their mother tells them that the car is in the shop with a broken fan belt. The kids try to convince Lucy that they need a new car, but Lucy says they can’t afford it. However when they see a commercial for Cheerful Charlie’s (Milton Berle) used car lot advertising a car for $99, which they can nearly gather between the three of them. When they show up, Charlie gives them a bait-and-switch and they wind up with a sputtering brightly-colored hippy car for $97. Once they get it home though, it will not start. The kids try to return it, but Charlie only offers them $10. Lucy and Harry then get involved and pose as a rich Texas woman who claims she wants to donate the car to a museum, and a rich British man who wants to purchase the car. Charlie gets them in a bidding war which nears $700, but the kids then return and say they no longer want to sell it… until Charlie offers them $150 for it. On Lucy’s directions they accept that offer, but then Lucy and Harry feign losing interest in the car. Having been scammed, Charlie attempts to see the car on TV, but it falls apart right on camera. Milton’s brother Jack Berle appears uncredited as Jack. 12/28/17 
• 034. Lucy the Cement Worker – 11/24/1969
  • Kim and Craig fight over who can serve their mother breakfast, and thus gain her favor to give them extra money. Lucy catches on to the ruse and informs them that she can’t afford to give them anything. Later at work Lucy helps Harry find the missing ‘Morton contract’ that is stapled to his tie, and visits with Mary Jane, who encourages Lucy to take an extra job by finding one through the agency. Her first stop is with Monsieur Pierre Barmarche (Paul Winchell) who is offering a job as assistant in a nightclub act… but turns out to be knife thrower who wants her to go topless. She returns to the office and Harry informs her of an envelope-stuffing job, but tells her to take a family heirloom ring to have it engraved while she is still on his time. On the way, Lucy nearly falls hands first into wet cement and by the time she arrives at the jeweler (Paul Winchell), she realizes that she has lost the ring. She attempts to first sift through the cement until a policeman (Harry Hickox) stops her, and then returns in disguise as a workman and uses the jackhammer on it. It is all for naught though as Harry and the kids are working on tracking her down to tell her that she left the ring back at the office when she washed her hands. The officer returns and arrests and fines her for destroying city property…just before Lucy hits a water main and douses everyone. Sid Gould and William Tannen are workmen. 12/29/17
• 035. Lucy and Johnny Carson – 12/1/1969
  • Harry takes Lucy and her kids out for a surprise evening to attend a panel on The Origin of Money. Filming in the same studio is The Tonight Show, which is filming in Hollywood that week. Johnny Carson (himself) and Ed McMahon (himself) have some banter about Ed’s drinking in the dressing room, and Ed gives Johnny a self-destructing tape on which he says he will tone it down. The tickets to the panel turn out to be for the previous week, so Lucy suggests that they sneak in to The Tonight Show. She destructs the ushers and sends her family in, then through another ruse sneaks in herself. Johnny delivers a monologue about Los Angeles, and then chooses Lucy to play a game of Stump the Band, which she wins by singing a song from her youth called Snoops the Lawyer. Her prize is diner at the Brown Derby, and when she and Harry show up, she spots Johnny and Ed and joins them at their table. She drives Johnny crazy by confusing other talk show host’s episodes with his, and then causes the waiter (Sid Kane) to spill drinks on him. Harry helps the escape by telling her that Cary Grant came in on the other side of the restaurant. Sid Gould is the Maitre D’. Jim Henaghan, Michael McClay, Mike Nicoletti, and Laurence Temple are ushers. Lucy’s mother Dede Ball appears as a lady in the audience. 9/1/18
• 036. Lucy and the Generation Gap – 12/8/1969
  • Craig and Kim discuss the upcoming high school musical with their friends Janet (Lesley Evans) and Fred (Cecil Gold) at Murphy’s Pizza Parlor. When the kids don’t have the money to pay the owner Murphy Fong (Victor Sen Yung) who keeps shutting off the jukebox when the kids’ music comes on, they invite their Mom to join them. She mentions the Generation Gap when she has to cover the bill, and this gives them the idea for the play’s topic. Since they are producing it, the kids have to find the actors, and after onboarding Lucy to play the mother, they convince Harry to play the father. Murphy is all too anxious to turn the jukebox on when Harry auditions with readings from Romeo and Juliet. The play is called The Generation Gap Through the Ages, and starts with The Roman Era and their performance of Kids Are Bugged About Parents. Next is In the Gay Nineties featuring the parents angry at the kids performing the two-step which leads to the song We’ll Just Cut the Old House in Two. The next act In the Space Age in which the family of the future argues about dating and space travel and performs the song Kids. Sheila Dehner, Tara Glynn, Maritz Ko, Fran Lee, Leslie McRae, and Joanie Webster are the Amazon slaves. 9/1/18
• 037. Lucy and the Bogie Affair – 12/15/1969
  • Kim and Craig find an abandoned sheep dog that they bring home and name Bogie (Lord Nelson), and briefly attempt to hide it from their mother. Once she accepts the new dog, she is aghast to find out that Bogie is actually a female and has delivered nine puppies. They each try to pass off the puppies to friends, and Kim and Craig have luck with their friends Candy (Sherry Alberoni), Debbie Westcott (Debbie Wescott), Steve (Steve March), Natalie Schwartz, Freddie Dawson, Pauline Lopez, and others. Lucy doesn’t have as good of luck as she is unable to con her friends, and when she attempts to give one to famous workout guru Jack Lalanne (himself), she winds up on the air exercising, and then taking one of his pups that his dog Happy has just delivered. Harry finds that he’s allergic to puppies when Lucy brings one into the office, but he is much more interested when he finds a want ad from a man named Farnsworth (Irwin Charone), who is trying to retrieve his lost sheep dog, which is pregnant with valuable puppies. Lucy and the kids manage to retrieve all of the puppies, which will generate a $100 reward apiece in addition to the $1000 for the mother, although Harry must put out nearly $100 is expenses to get them. He is expecting a 25 percent finder’s fee, but when Farnsworth shows up to claim the dogs, he realizes that Bogie is not his dog Heidi, and that these puppies have a collie father – making them sheep-ollies. The collie father shows up after Farnsworth leaves, so Harry tries to pass the dog family back to it. 5/26/19
• 038. Lucy Protects Her Job – 12/22/1969
  • Harry blows his stack when he catches Lucy getting a manicure in the office from Mary Jane, causing him to miss his golf appointment with his colleague Mr. Morgan (Robert Carson). Expressing his displeasure with work getting so far behind, Morgan advises Harry that his secretary gets all of his work done and he never raises his voice, but instead treats her like a queen. Harry gives this a shot, and after one false start where he fires Lucy, he tries again by giving her flowers and portrait of himself. He even tells her to hire an additional secretary to help her with her tasks. Lucy starts to get suspicious about the nice behavior and fears that he wants to replace her. After interviewing several applicants, including one secretary (Wanda Clark), who types the Gettysburg Address in under a minute, Lucy schemes to have Kim, who just got a part in a play as a bumbling secretary, pose as one in the office. She introduces herself as ‘Shoiley Shopenhauer’ and manages to injure Harry, destroy property, and douse him with water before he finally blows his stack and fires her, telling Lucy now that she must work harder than ever. He gives ‘Shoiley’ $20 severance pay, but it takes him a minute before it registers that she thanks him with a “thanks Uncle Harry.” 5/27/19
• 039. Lucy the Helpful Mother – 12/29/1969
  • Harry berates Lucy when he tries to phone her all evening and only gets a busy signal, and it only gets worse when Lucy smashes his swollen ‘dialing’ finger. Back at home, Craig and Kim argue over the phone, which prompts the discussion with their mother about getting their own phone line. Lucy doesn’t like the idea, but when she gets yelled at again by Harry for another busy signal and kids agree to pay for their phone lines by getting jobs, she allows it. While Craig gets a job blowing up balloons and gluing wings on model airplanes, Kim agrees to babysit a houseful of animals for a pet shop owner on vacation. While Kim is in school, Lucy agrees to watch Irving the monkey, which means bringing him into the office. Harry allows it, but is annoyed watching her burp and diaper Irving. Chaos erupts at home with the kids doing their work, the noise of the animals including Radish the talking parrot and Bruce the myna bird talking on their own phones, Lucy working on both Harry’s contracts and Craig’s airplanes, all with Irving on her back. She winds up spilling the glue and getting stuck to all three phones. Harry comes over to get the contracts and chastises Lucy for the jungle chaos, and he winds up dropping the contracts in the piranha tank and they are eaten. 2/12/20
• 040. Lucy and Liberace – 1/5/1970
  • Lucy comes home and finds the house filled with knick-knacks that Craig had to collect as part of an initiation into his high school club. Craig tells his mother that he just has one more item to collect, which involves a celebrity, but won’t tell her what it is in order to not jinx it. Meanwhile pianist Liberace (himself) practices his piano and is presented his wardrobe including a light-up suit by his tailor Carlo (Paul Winchell). While he is trying them on, his butler Williams (Ben Wrigley) informs him that Craig is there to see him. Craig asks Liberace if he can borrow one of his candelabras for the scavenger hunt and Liberace happily obliges. Lucy and Harry find the candelabra among the junk, and the two of them decide to return it it back into Liberace’s possession by sneaking it back into his house. Liberace catches them while Harry is trying on one of his suits, and mistakes them for performers auditioning to be part of his show. Lucy and Harry go ahead and go through with the audition thinking it might get them on TV, so they sing a rendition of By the Light of the Silvery Moon to his accompaniment. Craig and Kim then show up looking for the candelabra again, which gives a chance for Kim to sing and Craig to accompany on drums as they all perform the song I’ll Be Seeing You. As they dance their way out of the room, Liberace returns to grab the candelabra for Craig. 2/12/20
• 041. Lucy the Laundress – 1/12/1970
  • Lucy spends the morning telling Kim that the dress she bought for a party is too short and criticizing Craig for getting a parking ticket, claiming that she has a perfect driving record. On the way to work that morning, she back into a Chinese laundry truck. The truck and business owner Lee Wong (James Hong) tells her that she owes $97.50 to fix it. Lucy visits her insurance agent Mr. Michaels (Lauren Gilbert) to file a claim, but during the visit, his secretary (Bee Thompkins) informs him that her policy expired just two minutes before the accident, and consequently the company won’t cover the damages. Mr. Wong tracks Lucy at her house to collect the money, but she says she doesn’t have him and will have to work for him at the laundry to pay her debt. On her first day, his two daughters Linda Chang (Rosalind Chao) and Sue Chin (Heather Lee) inform her that he only pays 60 cents per hour. When Lucy deals with her first grouchy customer (Romo Vincent) she accidentally presses a hamburger covered in ketchup into his underwear. Meanwhile back at home, Craig manages to stain Kim’s dress with a peach before sitting on hit himself. They both head to the Chinese laundry, as does Harry who is trying to track down a contract that he thinks Kim may have. When Lucy sees Kim, she dresses herself up in Chinese garb and thick glasses, simulating a stereotypical Asian accent. She manages to singe a hole in Kim’s new dress before tripping and exposing her identity to everyone there. She breaks down crying and telling everyone the truth. Kim forgives her and Craig tells her that he always knew she wasn’t a perfect driver. 5/24/20
• 042. Lucy and Lawrence Welk – 1/19/1970
  • As Craig help Kim out by ironing her hair to straighten it, Lucy gets a letter from her friend Vivian that she is coming for a visit and hopes to meet some of the celebrities who Lucy claimed she knew, and specifically to go on a dinner date with her ‘friend’ Lawrence Welk. Vivian shows up as Lucy is finishing the letter sporting her new glasses and raring to go and excited to meet Welk. Lucy shares this predicament with Mary Jane and gets the idea that they should take the Lawrence Welk figure form the wax museum and then hide Viv’s glasses so she will think it is the real thing. They get the figure and bring it back to the office and then take it home. Meanwhile Craig and Kim visit the real Lawrence Welk (himself) when his secretary (Nancy Howard) lets them in. After describing all of the youthful things he will be doing it that evening, he decides it will be “wonderful, wonderful” to meet with Viv. Back home Lucy and Mary Jane arrange the dinner with the wax figure and convinces Viv that she looks more attractive without her glasses. Viv falls for it, with Lucy doing the voice-over for the dummy, only uttering the words “wonderful, wonderful.” While Lucy and Viv are in the kitchen, Mary Jane witnesses Craig and Kim bring in Welk and swap him out for the wax figure. When he speaks, Lucy initially thinks Mary Jane is doing a bad impression of him, then believes he is an imposter, before finally realizing he is the real deal and giving Viv back her glasses. Vivian gets her camera for photos and accepts a dance with Welk, but soon it is Lucy who is dancing with him while hiding Vivian’s glasses from her again.  5/24/20
• 043. Lucy and Viv Visit Tijuana – 1/26/1970
  • Viv only has a few more days of her visit to Southern California so they look for something to do, settling on visiting the San Diego zoo and then taking a side excursion over the Mexican border to Tijuana. Lucy is worried about taking her car, so she decides to ask Harry to borrow his. He refuses… but then agrees to drive them himself as long as they pay 12 cents a mile. Once they arrive, they spend some time browsing in the gift shop Pedro’s Bazaar, and Harry decides to buy a stuffed monkey for Kim, and agrees to drop off a duplicate monkey to the shop proprietor Pedro’s (Don Diamond) niece in Los Angeles if he drops the price from $25 to $10. On the way back, they are detained going through customs and the inspector (Don Megowan) notes that one of the monkeys in heavier than the other… because it contains expensive jewelry. The girls pretend that they don’t know Harry and that they are senioritas that he picked up in a bar. They finally admit the were joking and tell the officer who they are and corroborate Harry’s story. Still he holds Harry until he can investigate Pedro’s Bazaar, and he holds the girls for lying about knowing Harry and impersonating Mexican citizens. The girls try to tell the inspector their identity, but now Harry refuses to corroborate their story as revenge, so everyone is held. 9/5/20
• 044. Lucy and Ann-Margret – 2/2/1970
  • Although Lucy had hoped for Craig to become a doctor, he hopes to become a songwriter and had written a new song called Country Magic. He goes to see a publisher, who agrees to publish his song, but requires a $100 fee from Craig to cover costs. Harry comes over for dinner, and everyone is able to convince him to invest in Craig and loan him the money. Lucy and Craig go to see the publisher to pay him the money, and run into actress-singer Ann-Margret (herself). She signs an autograph for Craig on his sheet music, and becomes curious about his new song, inviting them over to her house to have her musical arranger Walter (John O’Neill) play the song. Once they are at her house, she also invites Craig to perform with her on her upcoming TV special.  Before they can sing the song together, Ann tells Craig she is going to slip into something more comfortable. He speculates a romantic evening and flutters around the room pretending he is romancing her. She returns wearing her bathrobe, slippers, and hair curlers, much to Craig’s disappointment. The two perform the song and dance routine on Ann’s TV special to much audience fanfare. Lucy rushes on stage at the end of the song to declare ‘my son, the songwriter!’. The show announcer is the voice of Gary Morton. 9/8/20
• 045. Lucy and Wally Cox – 2/9/1970
  • Harry receives a visit from his old college friend Moose Manley (Alan Hale Jr.) who still refers to him as ‘Blubber.’ He is now a private detective and mentions that he wants to pass his legacy to his son Wally (Wally Cox), but the boy is shy and scared of everything, including women. Lucy volunteers to spend some time with him to boost his confidence. Harry doesn’t want to give her the time off, but Moose blackmails him by threatening to tell Lucy some of his stories from college. Moose and Wally ‘run into’ Lucy at a restaurant and join her for lunch, but Moose pretends he has to leave for a meeting. Lucy tries to warm up to Wally but he is so nervous that he winds up crawling out of the restaurant with a tablecloth draped over him. Moose thanks Lucy for helping anyway, before getting a call that two night watchmen from his warehouse quit. Lucy gets the idea to have her and Wally act as watchmen, and then stage a break-in using two Hollywood stuntmen (Gil Perkins, Boyd Red Morgan), who destroy Harry’s office during their demonstration, to take a fake beating from Lucy and Wally. However while they are on duty, two other robbers (Chuck Hicks, X Brands) break in. Lucy thinks they are the stuntmen and she works them over, with Wally’s assistance. They wind up capturing the two men – who turn out to be Babyface Johnson and Lefty Logan, two of the deadliest criminals in the country. Lucy faints when she finds this out, and Wally gets the confidence to douse her with water and then hold her. Harvey Stone is the waiter. 12/24/20
• 046. Lucy and Wayne Newton – 2/16/1970
  • Lucy and Harry have taken the kids to Las Vegas, but since Lucy has lost all of her money in a gas station slot machine and they have nothing left for any shows, they decide to head to back. Along the way they find a miniature horse in the road and when they trace it to its ranch, it belongs to singer Wayne Newton. He remembers them from their previous encounter and offers them a reward, but they ask if they can work as ranch hands to earn some money for Vegas. He agrees, but the other ranch hands Jerry (Jerry Newton) and Tommy (Tommy Amato) end up relegating the shoveling of the stables to Lucy and Harry. After the work day, they have a barbecue where Kim and Craig join Wayne in singing Tumbling Tumbleweeds. The next morning Craig and Kim go horseback riding and Wayne joins them, showing them hot to make the horses dance. After Lucy and Harry hog tie and a calf, during which Harry ropes Lucy, and Lucy brands Harry, Kim and Craig again join Wayne it performing some horse dancing and singing I’ve Got the World on a String. Wayne tells Lucy that the kids would make a great addition to the act. Lucy and Harry ask if they can join, and Wayne agrees, they’ll have the final act… and then hands them their shovels. 12/25/20
• 047. Lucy Takes Over – 2/23/1970
  • When Harry realizes he can save $9.40 from his office rent if he provides his own janitorial service, so he makes Lucy the new janitor. She agrees to do it if she can re-decorate the office using old antiques that she has in her attic. As she and her kids are rummaging through the attic, they find an old promissory note from Harry’s great grandfather Harrison Otis Carter to Lucy’s great-grandfather Frederick C. Hunt in the amount of ten dollars. Lucy decides to have fun with Harry and try to get the ten dollars out of him, but it gets even more serious when the kids figure out that with the interest the amount is now $138,000. Harry’s lawyer (Lyle Talbot) tells him that the law is on Lucy’s side, so he becomes even more frantic. She comes to his place and starts taking his things, and then later she shows up at the office and says that she is now in charge… and that Harry is now the secretary. When he balks at that, she makes him the janitor. She also orders new furniture, leases the office next door, tears down a wall, and says they are expanding. Then the kids show up to tell her that they read further in the diary and found out that Carter had paid his $10 debt back already. Harry tells Lucy she now has to make his suits on the antique loom she brought over from her attic. 4/17/21
• 048. Lucy Competes with Carol Burnett – 3/2/1970
  • Lucy runs into her old friend and co-worker Carol Krausmeyer (Carol Burnett) at a restaurant, and when Lucy sees how little she is eating, she asks why she is on a diet. Carol tells her that she’s entering the Secretary Beautiful contest, and the two begins to bicker when Lucy tells her she doesn’t want to be on display like a horse, and Carol tells her that she’s glad she’s not entering because she wouldn’t want to defeat a friend. Later Lucy finds out that her kids have in fact entered her into the contest. When Harry finds out that Lucy is in the contest, he tries to coach her on how to walk. Carol comes to see Lucy and criticizes her for joining the contest and two trade insults even more. Kim finds out that Carol went down to find out from the head judge Robert Alda (himself) what kind of women he likes, Lucy shows up herself. Carol is in disguise as a hippy, and Lucy dresses up as the charwoman (a character created by Carol Burnett), and after pestering Alda, they continue to bicker. On the night of the contest, Robert Alda sings the Secretary Beautiful theme song, introducing Lucy and Carol, representing Horton Dorton Gorton Norton and Morton, along with their competitors Francine Pyne (herself), Lavelle Roby (herself), and Tonia Izu (herself). Things get off to a rocky start for Lucy when she loses her heel as she makes her entrance. The ladies then do a recitation competition, with Carol doing a comical routine What American Means to Me. On her way, she knocks Lucy’s notecards out of her hands, so Lucy has to wing her recitation on Christopher Columbus. For the talent portion, Carol kisses Alda and does her Tarzan yell, and then Lucy plays Little Brown Jug on her saxophone. At the end of the competitions, Alda announces that he has declared a two-way tie… Lavelle and Tonia. Buddy Lewis is the cafeteria customer. Harvey Stone is the chef. Sid Gould is the carpenter. 4/18/21

SEASON 3

• 049. Lucy Meets the Burtons – 9/14/1970
  • Actors Richard Burton (himself) and Elizabeth Taylor (herself) are staying at a hotel in town, and Lucy goes to see if she can catch a glimpse of the, and more importantly, Elizabeth’s famous diamond ring. Lucy’s friend Vanda (Vanda Barra) is also there waiting for Burton, and she tells her that Elizabeth has already left. Upstairs Burton is complaining to the hotel manager Mr. Williams (Brook Williams) that there are too many fans outside and he can’t get out. Sam the Plumber (Cliff Norton) is working in the room, and when he starts to leave, Burton asks if he can borrow is work uniform so he can slip outside so he can get Elizabeth’s ring fixed, and Sam is glad to oblige. Lucy grabs him when he gets outside, thinking that he is a real plumber, because she needs someone to come back to Harry’s office and fix his plumbing. When they arrive, Burton tells her that he’s not really a plumber, but rather that he’s actor Richard Burton. Lucy won’t believe him, even when he recites Shakespeare, and tells him that he better keep his plumbing job. After he’s fixed the water, Harry comes rushing in, having heard that Burton is in the building. He is shocked when he sees him there, and Lucy is aghast about how rude she was to him. Harry helps him get a cab to get out of there, and after he leaves, Lucy realizes he’s left the uniform behind… with the famous ring in the pocket, so she tries it on and it gets stuck on her finger. Burton is furious because he knows Elizabeth will kill him. Richard takes Lucy back to their place to explain it to Elizabeth, and she is in fact furious since there is a press party that night, and she knows they’ll all want to see the ring. Lucy comes up with an idea to stand behind a curtain behind them, and pretend her hand is Elizabeth’s, creating some odd gyrations as she shows off the ring to member of the Los Angeles press (actual L.A. press members Army Archerd, Jim Bacon, Marilyn Beck, Joan Crosby, Joyce Haber, Dick Kleiner, Morton Moss, Robert Rose, Vernon Scott, and Cecil Smith). Once the debacle is nearly over, Elizabeth tells Richard that he’s forgiven, and in turn Richard tells Lucy that he’s forgiven her, before laying a big kiss on her cheek. 8/13/21
• 050. Lucy the Skydiver – 9/21/1970
  • Lucy is up in arms when she finds out that Craig plans to go spearfishing with the sharks, and that Kim wants to take up motorcycle riding. When she can’t talk them out of it, she decides to use psychology by telling them that she plans to go skydiving in order to get them to agree that none of them will do anything dangerous. However, when she comes home and announces it, they are clearly wise to her plan, and they encourage her to go ahead and do it. Harry not only tries to encourage her to do it for the publicity to his business, but brings over reporter Steve Campbell (Bill Baldwin) from the Valley Gazette to publish her heroic act. When Lucy realizes that this might make her famous, she actually becomes hellbent on making the jump, despite being scared to death of heights. Craig and Kim really do get scared and offer to not do their dangerous activities if she’ll call it off. Harry simply tries to get her to throw fliers from the air as she comes down. She assures them that she’ll be okay after taking one lesson from skydiving trainer Sam Tolliver (Rhodes Reason). The more he describes the drop, the more fearful she becomes. He can barely get her into the plane, especially after she sees an ambulance come and pick up someone who crash landed. He finally gets her up there, and she continues to resist jumping. While trying to push her out, Tolliver falls out of the plane, just before the plane rocks and she falls out. She makes a breathtaking sky dive, enjoying the feeling of floating. When she finally pulls her parachute cord, the chute displays an ad for Harry’s business. She then crashes through the airfield hangar where her family is waiting for her. 8/13/21
• 051. Lucy and Sammy Davis Jr. – 9/28/1970
  • Kim and Craig are having friends over and they are performing loud live music, when their neighbor Mr. Franklin (Irwin Charone) comes by and threatens legal action if they don’t quiet down. Craig has been studying law and says there is a precedent in their favor, and tells him he cannot sue. Lucy comes to think of Craig as her son the lawyer. Later that day at the office, Sammy Davis Jr. (himself) wanders into her office looking for an ice pack after he was hit in the nose by an elevator. When she returns with the ice, she hits him in the nose with the door again, and then when Harry shows up, he too hits Mr. Davis in the nose. Sammy warns them that if this delays production of the movie he is working on, the producer of the film may sue Harry. When Sammy’s nose swells up to twice its size, Lucy follows him to the film studio to keep a bag of ice on it. The swelling goes down, and the show goes on, with Sammy starring as a nightclub performer just making it big, and going on with his show after hearing that his mother was in an auto accident. Lucy sticks around to watch his routine, as he does imitations of Jimmy Stewart, James Cagney, and Dean Martin. Lucy suddenly bursts out crying when she realizes that Sammy’s character’s mother is dying. With the scene ruined, they move onto the next scene where the character struggles to stay awake for a phone call with his mother’s condition. Sammy is so convincing that he’s trying to stay away that Lucy throws cold water in his face. Finally, they film a scene of Sammy singing And When I Die, and when the nightclub owner character (Gary Morton) tells him he’s no good, Lucy gets angry and yells at him. The director (Elliot Reid) demands that Lucy leave the studio, and promises not to sue if she gets out in ten seconds. Lucy has time to get an autograph of Sammy, before her family shows up, with Craig declaring that he has found a precedent in their favor. Nevertheless, they all scram, especially when Harry hears another threat to sue. Joe Jackson is Joe the assistant. Steve March is a bit boy. Keith Taylor is the fat boy at the party. 2/12/22
• 052. Lucy and the Drum Contest – 10/5/1970
  • Since Harry has provided a nightclub with waiters who are hard of hearing, he is able to get free tickets for four to see drummer Buddy Rich (himself) perform. He brings Lucy and the kids, and while enjoying the show, Kim points out a notice on the table highlighting an upcoming drum contest, which has a $1000 music scholarship. Lucy has the idea that if Buddy Rich helps tutor Craig, he will be a shoe-in to win the contest. Backstage, Buddy is trying to take a nap between shows, but Lucy doesn’t hesitate to go knock on his dressing room door. Buddy reluctantly allows them to come in, but denies her request to help tutor Craig. When they all leave, Lucy accidentally takes the wrong handbag, and she winds up taking Buddy’s Zilca cymbals home with her. Buddy later shows up at their door to retrieve the cymbals, and since Craig has his drum set out, he agrees to listen to Craig attempt to create one of Buddy’s solos from his latest album. He still won’t help tutor him, but tells him that he needs a lot of work to reach the upper leagues. Lucy can guarantee that he’ll be back since he takes Lucy’s handbag this time. Sure enough, he does return, and agrees to listen to how far Craig’s come with his practicing. This time he agrees to stay all day if it takes it so that Craig can play the drum solo just like his own. Craig enters the contest and makes it to the final showdown with drum player Jose Garcia (Richard Yniguez). It is obvious that Jose’s drums are pieced together, and also that the school scholarship will mean much more to Jose. They wish each other luck and the play their final entry into the contest. In the middle of Craig’s performance, he feigns an old wrist injury and has to forfeit, leaving Jose with the grand prize. Buddy tells Craig initially that he made him look bad, but when Buddy sees Craig moving his wrist, he realizes that Craig threw the contest so that Jose could get the scholarship, ultimately telling Craig that he has a great deal of class. Dick Winslow is the nightclub M.C. Eugene Molnar is Willy the band boy. 2/12/22
• 053. Lucy, the Crusader – 10/12/1970
  • Craig is celebrating his 18th birthday, and Lucy buys him a new stereo made by Prime Ultrasonics. However, when he tries to play a record on it, the player plays it much too fast. Lucy says she has a guarantee on it so she returns it to the department store manager Elroy P. Clunk (Charles Nelson Reilly), who informs her that it has to be returned to the actual manufacturer… located in Chicago. Lucy begins to circulate a petition against the company to get them to offer refunds at the point of purchase. Harry refuses to sign it, until a typewriter he just purchased proves to be a lemon and will require that it is taken back to Tokyo to be refunded, which makes him more than happy to sign the petition. In fact, when a salesman named Mr. Fox (John J. Fox) shows up to sell them a Jiffy Jolly Adding Machine, they throw him out when he says he has a guarantee on it. Lucy holds a meeting of dissatisfied customers where they present various products that have failed them: Mrs. Sheila Casten (Carole Cook) has a toaster that rockets the toasts to the ceiling, Clara Portnoy (Kathleen Hughes) has an electric eye garage opener that opens the windows in her bathroom when she takes a shower, Harry has a new TV that scrambles the shows together, and Martin Phillips (Robert Hastings) has a baby doll that squirts liquid from its ears. Lucy announces that she wants to deliver the petition to the president of the company, who will be in town for their annual stockholders meeting. They all show up to the meeting and present their complaints to the chairman Mr. Gary (Jerome Cowan). Even Mr. Clunk has quit the company after getting tired of all of the complaints and shows up to the meeting. After Harry shows off the doll and it squirts him in the face, Mr. Gary can no longer hear anyone since his hearing aid was also made by P.U., and when Lucy tells him he’ll have to send it back to Chicago, he finally moves that they offer refunds at the point of purchase. He also asks how many shares they have, and Lucy tells him that they’ll all be pitching in to buy a second share. Harry is still concerned about his typewrite, so Lucy charges that they all must go on to Tokyo. Donald Briggs is shareholder Mr. Huntington. 6/20/22
• 054. Lucy, the Co-Ed – 10/19/1970
  • Harry has been daydreaming about his old college girlfriend Gloria Pendleton (Marilyn Maxwell). who he has been meeting in order to work on their upcoming Bullwinkle University alumni play. When she shows up at the office complaining that it has been difficult to recruit any talent. Kim and Craig are there picking up Lucy for lunch, and when they hear this, all three of them volunteer to sign up for the play, and include some of their friends. Gloria thinks it is a great idea, and before long she is standing on stage presenting the show It’s Always Doo-Wacka-Doo at Bullwinkle U. The show opens in the Roaring Twenties where Lucy is portraying the head cheerleader Ginger, and several of the boys Cecil (Cecil Gold), Norman (Kevin Edwards), and Clarence (Jimmy Bates) greet her with a rendition of Ain’t She Sweet. Honey Beasley, played by Kim, shows up on the scene and meets up with her boyfriend the Dead End Kid, played by Craig, who has is eternally designated to warm the bench while the football hero Crazy Hips is the star quarterback. He is played by Harry, and when he graces the scene, the female coeds (Judy Van Wormer, Lisa Pharren, Mickie Pollak) sings Baby Face to him. Ginger and Crazy Hips have some banter indicating she’s not very satisfied with him and his ego, when he finds out that his grades are going to preclude him from playing in the next game. Ginger and Honey agree to help tutor him and the crowd sings Buckle Down Bullwinkle (based on the song Buckle Down Winsockie). Dead End is annoyed that Crazy Hips asked the girls to come to the fraternity to help him study as girls are not allowed in the house. They sneak in anyway, but Dean Butler (Robert Alda) is hot on their trail. They hide in the closet when he comes to the door, and then attempt to sneak out dressed as guys named Jimmy and Charlie. He catches them, but when Gloria plants a kiss on him, he forgives them, and then asks two easy questions of Crazy Hips, and he misses them both. Nevertheless, the Dean says he’s close enough and allows him to play in the next game, and they all sing Collegiate. Bullwinkle ends up beating North Keokuk 78 to 33, and the cast reprises Buckle Down Bullwinkle. Crazy Hips is wheeled in with a broken foot and named as the hero of the game, but only because he tripped during the first play and was replaced by Dead End, who scored all of the winning touchdowns. Ginger announces that she is going to be marrying a lucky fellow… Dean Butler. A sad Crazy Hips then asks his nurse, played by Gloria, to marry him and she agrees. The cast then sings and dances to Varsity Drag. 6/20/22
• 055. Lucy, the American Mother – 10/26/1970
  • Craig sets up a movie camera in the kitchen so he can work on his school project, a documentary called A Day in the Life of My Mother, of which he can afford to spend $76 in order to make a 12-minute film. He shoots first seen as a candid of her waking up on the morning looking terrible and nearly falling asleep with her head in a freezer. She puts a stop to the footage until she can get ready, so she tells the kids to make their own breakfast. Kim says she’ll go out to breakfast with her latest boyfriend Steve Bailey (Don Crichton), and she and Lucy get in a fight on camera because she hasn’t met him yet. Once Lucy gets ready for the day, Craig films her in some rehearsed footage simply looking around the room. Craig then wants to film Lucy’s first encounter with Steve, so he hides a microphone in a banana in the fruit bowl, and films from within the closet. Lucy is particularly clumsy when they meet. Harry then comes over and he is filmed first acting like he normally does, but when he realizes he is being filmed, he changes his tune and agrees to give Lucy a raise. Once the film starts rolling, he changes his tune and tells her it was just for the camera. When Craig mentions that the film could potentially make money, Harry suggests that he do a feature and that he will bankroll it. He and Craig team up to film the next scene, this time from a different closet. They film Steve coming back over, and this time Lucy is even more clumsy, and she accidentally tears his $100 bill in half, which he won in a school Psychology paper contest. Kim helps him tapes it up and then presses it in a book. The kids then head off to the Rock and Roll Palace to see Spooky Brown and His Electric Goose Pimples. Mary Jane then stops over at the house, and Harry wants to film her talking to Lucy without Mary Jane’s knowledge. However, when she starts talking about how cheap Lucy thinks she is, Lucy rushes her out and asks her to return her book Kiss Me, Stranger to the library. Harry realizes that Steve’s $100 bill is in the book, so he is anxious to film her at the library trying to get it back. Lucy rushes to the library and asks the librarian (Olive Dunbar) where the book might be. She advises her to look around, so Lucy disturbs two male patrons (Sid Gould, Boyd ‘Red’ Morgan) while she is looking. She also climbs the ladder to look on the shelf and gets pushed along its track by the second man. As she slides along, she accidentally pulls a female patron’s wig off. She knocks numerous books off the shelf, and lowers herself onto the second man’s shoulders. Finally she is pushed into a giant book bin on wheels being pushed by a library assistant (Richard Collier). Mary Jane then shows up with the book and tells Lucy she found the $100 bill. When the librarian tries to help her out of the cart, Lucy accidentally rips off her dress, revealing multi-color underwear. Harry follows her around filming her, telling Lucy that she has been demoted to a secondary player, since he much more interest in the librarian. Alma Platt plays an elderly patron who has no lines in the episode. 10/11/22
• 056. Lucy’s Wedding Party – 11/2/1970
  • Harry is getting ready to head off to his Bullwinkle State college reunion, and gives Lucy a huge stack of papers to type by the time he gets back. He heads off the airport where he will meet his old classmate Freddy Fox (Lyle Talbot), and leaves instructions for Lucy to do some things around his house as well, suggesting that she stay there in the servants’ quarters. Mary Jane comes to see Lucy to tell her about her about the Greek girl Cleo Menikos (Cynthia Hull) who works in the office next to her, and is marrying her fiancé Joe Andropopolas (Sam Chew Jr.). She wants Lucy to attend the wedding, so she takes her stack of papers to the other secretaries in the building to have them help type them up. She later returns with Cleo herself, who is in tears because there was a mix-up reserving the reception hall, and now they have no place to hold it. Lucy suggests that they have it at Harry’s house since he will be gone. Lucy even agrees to help find an authentic Greek orchestra to play the reception. Cleo’s grandfather Konstantine Cassos (Bruce Gordon) takes charge of the proceedings and introduces a Karsilamas wedding dance. He then asks Lucy to dance with him, which melds into a group dance. When Lucy tells Grandfather Cassos that she’s not married, he offers to marry her. Lucy then gets a call from Harry that his flight is delayed, and he and Freddy are coming back to the house for a snack. Lucy gets the idea to hide everyone by telling them that they’re playing a game where the guests hide in pairs – one male, one female. Everyone is delighted with this, especially Grandpa Cassos, who pulls Lucy into the closet. When Harry and Freddy return, everyone is hiding, but Harry soon finds the banquet table and insists on knowing what is going on. Lucy tells him that she threw together a surprise party for him, so everyone jumps out and sings Happy Birthday to Harry. This makes Freddy think that Harry is ultra-popular, but quietly want to know what is really going on since his birthday is a half-a-year away. She tells him the truth, and he is okay with it, although he wishes she had rented the house instead of loaning it for free. Nevertheless, when he and Freddy leave, Harry tells them all to stay as long as they want and have fun. After he is gone, Mary Jane brings out the wedding cake that she made, and when Harry returns to tell Lucy to save him some cake, Mary Jane accidentally bumps her while dancing with Grandfather Cassos, causing Harry to get covered in the cake. Paul Picerni is Father Lambros, listed in the credits as Mandikos. 10/11/22
• 057. Lucy Cuts Vincent’s Price – 11/9/1970
  • Lucy takes her kids Craig and Kim to an auction because they give away free snacks, and accidentally ends up buying a painting for $50, when she tells the kids they can split her cookie 50/50 and auctioneer (Tol Avery) mistakes it for a bid. She writes a check that she can’t cover, and then when she gets to the office, she begs Harry to front her the money. When he realizes that she is going to bounce a check, he gives her the money, so the kids aren’t embarrassed by their mother breaking the law. Her friend Mary Jane comes to have lunch with her at the office, and she tells Lucy that some paintings like that wind up being valuable because artists would sometimes paint over artwork by famous artists like Rembrandt and Van Gogh due to a shortage of canvasses. She suggests that actor Vincent Price (himself) might be a good one to ask since he is an art lover. Since Lucy had worked with Price’s wife in the past to help plan one of his parties, she gives her a call, and Mrs. Price invites Lucy to come see him with the artwork. Lucy’s kids are both nervous about her being alone with Vincent Price since they’ve seen the weird characters he plays in the movies. Meanwhile, Vincent Price’s producer Kurt (Jack Collins) has had Vincent’s home library converted to a mad scientist’s laboratory to use in his next picture Who’s Afraid of Virginia’s Wolfman? Kurt tells Vincent that his leading lady co-star is coming over to rehearse some of the scenes with him before the actual shoot. When Lucy arrives, Vincent thinks she is the actress, and he immediately breaks into the script by telling her that he’s going to be killing her and then strapping her to a gurney. She panics and tries to fight back, but he is able to overcome her, thinking that she is a great and motivated actress. Suddenly Harry, Craig, and Kim all rush in, and Craig puts him in a headlock. Eventually, they all realize the misunderstanding that he lets him go. Vincent then agrees to have a look at the artwork, and sure enough, discovers that the artist has painted over another work. As he peels back the layers, he remarks that this is the most interesting find yet. Harry is watering at the mouth as he thinks about how much it might be worth, and he ends up offering Lucy $250 for the painting. Once he has paid her, Vincent reveals that what is under the painting is simply a sign stating, “No Ball Playing Allowed.” Lucy gloats about the money she made, but then Vincent chargers her his $250 art appraisal fee. 2/8/23
• 058. Lucy the Diamond Cutter – 11/6/1970
  • Harry gets a call from the ultra-rich society matron Mrs. Cornelius Whitmark III (Ruth McDevitt) and she wants to come in and engage Harry’s services. She is quite eccentric and sends her maid (Mary Wickes) ahead of her to spray disinfectant, and then picks up pieces of string that she finds on the floor and attached to tea bags and collects them in her purse. She tells Harry that she owns the extremely valuable Cashbah Diamond, but she is concerned because the diamond supposedly carries a curse. She wants to avoid the curse by secretly having the diamond broken up into four smaller diamonds. If Harry can pull this off, she will pay him $1000. Lucy is excited that this will get her a bonus to pay for exterminating the termites in her house. Harry decides that Lucy’s house will be the perfect place to carry this out. Lucy arranges to bring in an eccentric German diamond cutter named Gustav Vandermeer (Wally Cox). Lucy tells her kids that Gustav is a long-lost uncle. When he arrives, he tells them that he needs full concentration and that the process could take weeks and that he will have to stay at Lucy’s house during that time. As he works on splitting the diamond, he keeps getting startled by various people in the house: Craig’s drums, Kim’s air horn, and Harry entering the room. Each time he is startled, he accidentally hits his own wrist with his special hammer. Eventually, he gives up and tells them that he cannot complete the task. With Mrs. Whitmark demanding to have the finished product, Harry takes a whack at the diamond with the hammer and splits it into four perfect smaller diamonds. Just then Mrs. Whitmark enters and tries to get him to stop what he is doing. She had found out that the curse on the diamond relates to whoever would be the one to split it. She tells him that this person will be swallowed up by the earth. Just then Harry falls through the floor thanks to Lucy’s termites. 2/9/23
• 059. Lucy and Jack Benny’s Biography – 11/23/1970
  • Harry gets a call from celebrity manager Irving Fine, who wants a secretary sent to an address to meet up with a client who wants to dictate something important. The celebrity turns out to be Jack Benny who wants to dictate an autobiography called The Women in My Life. Through flashback scenes, he tells the story of various women who played a role in his life, starting with his mother (Lucille Ball) from Waukegan, Illinois. Young Jack (Michael Barbera) is practicing playing Love in Bloom on his violin. Jack promises not to evict his parents if they can’t pay the rent as long as she gives him her wedding ring as collateral. Next, they talk about Jack’s days in the Navy, and how he and a fellow sailor (Louis Quinn) stop in a cafe. Jack meets a waitress named Zelda (Lucille Ball), with whom Jack becomes immediately enamored. After they dicker about their age, Zelda agrees to dance with Jack, until he throws out his back. After the war, Jack sets his sights on Vaudeville where he works with a female partner named Deborah Fink (Lucille Ball). Jack plays Sweet Georgia Brown on the violin while he and Debbie tells jokes to each other. When Jack kisses her hand on stage, he throws out his back again. Jack then goes on to continue his story with his stint in radio with Mary Livingston (voiced by herself, played by Lucille Ball), who talks about her niece Bertha. Finally, he tells how he wound up in the cinema and he hooked up with glamour girl Lola Lavier (Lucille Ball). Jack attempts to break it off with her, but she clings to his leg and begs him to stay with her, ultimately ripping off his pants leg. Back in the present day, Jack starts to talk about his next relationship, but then realizes how late it is getting. He tells Lucy that he has a double date with his friend, who turns out to be George Burns (himself), and they are taking out two elderly ladies, Trixie (Florence Lake) and Ginger. Trixie apologizes that they were late, but they had to stop and pick up some pills… ones to keep them awake. 7/20/23
• 060. Lucy and Rudy Vallee – 11/30/1970
  • Harry and Lucy go out to lunch and are surprised to find that their waiter is singer Rudy Vallee (himself). He claims that he is now waiting tables to keep himself busy since there doesn’t seem to be any room in the industry for his type of music any longer. Lucy invites him to come over to her place and work with Kim and Craig’s band to learn some of the more modern music sounds. Rudy’s manager (Herbie Faye) fires him for wasting time, but Rudy reminds the manager that he owns the restaurant. Since Craig is out of town for the month on a camping trip. Kim is leading the band along with bandmate Steve (Phil Vandervort) so when Rudy arrives, they show off one of the Beatles new songs She Came in Through the Bathroom Window. Kim shows Rudy the giant amp they are using, and Rudy shows off his old megaphone, using it to try to sing the song Vagabond Lover, and then tries the same Beatles song, none of which seem to excite Kim or any of her band members. Later, Lucy and Kim go to visit Rudy at his place and investigate all of his mementos. Rudy tells them that he’s decides that the new generation’s songs aren’t for him, so he has given up the notion of performing. Just then, Harry shows up and reports that he has Rudy booked at The Hungry Hippy to sing, which has cost him $1000. Considering Harry’s panic attack when he hears that he doesn’t want to play, Lucy and Kim offer to perform along with him, and turn some of his old classics into rock and roll versions. At the Hungry Hippy, they all perform song and dance routines to a jazzed-up version of his classic The Wiffenpoof Song, and the go into the more modern songs Let the Sunshine In and Winchester Cathedral. Vanda Barra is Rudy’s maid. Marnelle Wright, Gloria Wood, George Bledsoe, Thomas D. Kenny, Mack McLean, and Sue Allen are offscreen singers. 7/20/23
• 061. Lucy Loses Her Cool – 12/7/1970
  • After Lucy criticizes Craig for reading Playboy, Lucy heads off to the studio to meet Mary Jane at the studio to be in the audience of The Art Linkletter Show. After he interviews Mrs. Carol Carroll (Vanda Barra) from Walla Walla, Art Linkletter (himself) chooses Lucy to be part of a contest. Since she is a redhead, which are known as folks of quickly lose their temper, Linkletter offers her $500 if she can go for 24 hours without losing her temper. He even gives her twenty dollars to spend in case she needs some expense money. After he sends Lucy on her way, Art brings out those who are in on the gag, Harry, Mary Jane, Craig, and Kim, and tells them that if they can make Lucy lose her temper, they will win $250 each. The kids start on Lucy right away when Craig plays his drums right next to her while she is trying to take a nap on the couch. Then Kim says she’s going out while wearing as shot of a skirt as possible, and shays she’s going to a protest meeting against parents, which Craig says he organized. As Lucy starts to get furious, she remembers that she cannot lose her temper. Since Kim is ready to head to the market in her short skirt, Lucy tells her to go change and that she will do the marketing. Over at the market, Harry and Mary Jane are already there, having briefed the crew in the store to annoy Lucy in any way possible. One of the clerks (Richard Erdman) bumps into Lucy and spills some of his things into Lucy’s cart. A young teen (Scott Garrett) drops a banana peel in the Produce department, causing Lucy to trip and knock over a giant display in the store. When he then catches her squeezing tomatoes, he squirts tomato juice on her shirt. Lucy then runs into Mary Jane at the store, and she tells Lucy that she’s lost her keys in her cart, then asks Lucy to hold on to everything while she looks for them. The clerk then runs into her, causing her to spill everything, while the clerk’s giant bag of popcorn explodes all over the place. While she is cleaning it up, the boy tries to spray her with seltzer water but hits Harry instead. When Lucy goes to check out, she pays with the $20 that Art Linkletter gave her, which proves to be counterfeit. The clerk then has her arrested by two officers. Through all of this, Lucy never fully loses her temper. Lucy then goes back on the show, where Lucy is awarded the $500. However, the grocery clerk also shows up and gives her a bill for $499.99 for all of the damage she did in the store. Lucy then finally loses her temper, but Linkletter still agrees to pay her the $500… all in pennies. 11/16/23
• 062. Lucy, the Part Time Wife – 12/14/1970
  • Harry invites Lucy over to his place to butter her up, first by buying her a steam cabinet and then by offering her an all-expenses-paid trip to the Grand Canyon. In exchange, he wants her to pose as his expectant wife so that he can fend off the advances of an old flame named Gertrude Grebs (Jean Willes), and Army nurse on leave, who has a layover at the airport nearby as she travels to Hawaii. Lucy reluctantly agrees in light of Harry’s begging and his offer of the trip. Gertrude shows up at the airport as planned, where Harry introduces Kim as his new ‘stepdaughter’ and Lucy as his wife. She has a large pillow under her top simulating her pregnancy. When Lucy runs into her old friend Lillian Rylander (Carole Cook) at the airport, she has to quickly remove the pillow to stay out of Lillian’s rumor mill. With that, Lucy wants to end the ruse, but Gertrude returns, and Lucy has to shove the pillow back in. Just as Gertrude is getting ready to board her flight, it is delayed by five hours due to weather. Gertrude insists on coming over to Lucy’s house and stay with Lucy for a few hours. Gertrude tries to pamper Lucy by feeding her pickles and ice cream. Lucy is revolted at first, but then comes to enjoy the delicacy. However, soon the strange food combo gives Lucy stomach pains. Gertrude thinks she is having labor pains, so she calls a cab and the doctor. Lucy wants to abandon the ruse, but Harry insists she keep it up until Gertrude leaves. A delivery man (William Benedict) shows up and delivers the steam cabinet, so Lucy removes the pillow and tries out the cabinet. The cab driver (Eddie Quillan) shows up, but Lucy says she doesn’t want to go, causing Gertrude to think she’s hysterical. Dr. Brogan then shows up to treat Lucy, but Lucy says she is fine now. Gertrude gets extra irritated and demands that the cab driver take her back to the airport. Brogan is also annoyed and insists that Lucy pay him $20 for the house call. Lucy says that her ‘ex-husband’ will pay for it, but he wants to get his money’s worth and asks to have his back checked. Lucy tells the doctor that his back hurts near his wallet, and then gives Harry a playful kiss. NOTE: Gertrude Grebs is identified as Gertie Rebs in the credits. NOTE: Dr. Brogan is uncredited and unidentified. 11/16/23
• 063. Lucy and Ma Parker – 12/21/1970
  • Lucy is clipping the hedges so that she can spy on the new neighbors, and accidentally gets her head stuck in them. Lucy is puzzled that there appears to be a mother and two children who never go to school. Furthermore, they never seem to leave the house. Lucy decides to be a good neighbor and go over and greet them as the welcome wagon. It turns out that the woman is known as Ma Parker (Carole Cook) and her two ‘children’ are actually 35-year-old midgets named Herman (Billy Curtis) and Milton (Jerry Maren), who dresses as a little girl and goes by Mildred, and they are running a counterfeit money operation out of the house. When Lucy stops by, she finds some of the money and insists on helping them take it to the bank. One of the ‘kids’ pulls a gun on her, but she thinks it is a water pistol. Lucy tries to play a welcome song on the piano but find it out of tune because of the gatling gun inside. Even though she accidentally fires it, she believes that it was the cork in the gun that did all of the damage. Lucy then insists on taking Herman and Mildred over to meet her kids. Herman keeps Craig busy with playing craps and beating him at arm wrestling, while Kim and Mildred make mud pies. When Harry thinks his wallet is missing, Herman flees over the fence, but Craig grabs is wallet before he gets away. However, Harry then realizes he didn’t bring his wallet, so they go through Herman’s wallet and find out his real age, and also discover a newspaper clipping about their ‘mother’. Lucy reports the family to Lieutenant Hickox (Harry Hickox), who doesn’t believe her. However, Police Detective Halloran (Stafford Repp) busts up their counterfeiting ring and brings in Ma and the two kids. Halloran finds out that their contact Joe Grapefruit (Marc Lawrence) is flying in from Chicago to pick up $100,000 in counterfeit money and plan to meet at The Red Devil. However, Ma won’t cooperate in trying to nab Grapefruit, so Lucy volunteers to stand in for Ma Parker, and Kim and Craig stand in for the midget kids. Lucy meets with Grapefruit at the Red Devil, but he is suspicious of her, especially when he meets Kim and Craig who seem to be normal sized. Grapefruit tells Lucy that the real Ma Parker could lift 200 pounds over her head. Lucy demonstrates this by lifting up one of the customers (Orwin Harvey) and tossing him behind the bar. Grapefruit then trusts her and pays her $25,000 for the fake money. Craig takes their picture as they make the exchange, and Grapefruit immediately recognizes he’s been framed. One of the waiters reveals himself to be Lieutenant Hickox and arrests him. Grapefruit’s henchman Muggsy (Boyd “Red” Morgan) is too scared of Lucy to fight her so he gives himself up. Lucy’s kids then ask her how she lifted up the guy and threw him, and she says she was merely motivated by her own fear. Emile Autuori is the waiter. Mickey Martin is the little customer who Lucy does not pick up. 3/25/24
• 064. Lucy Stops a Marriage – 12/28/1970
  • Harry has a business with the wealthy Laura Trenton (Jayne Meadows) and he has Lucy make lunch reservations for the two at a French restaurant. Lucy thinks there may be a romance brewing between the two since Harry is in a chipper mood and has bought a new suit and gotten a haircut. When Laura arrives, Harry sends Lucy to make the reservations in person so that they can be alone. It turns out that Laura plans to invest $100,000 in his company and become business partners with them. They make a plan to meet at the courthouse the next day to finalize some legal papers. As Harry kisses her hand, he notices her giant diamond ring, and when she tells him that it is loose, he offers to take it to his jeweler to have it re-set. When Lucy returns and hears Harry singing about being in the money, she asks him for a $10 raise. He tells her that he is on the verge of bankruptcy and is only putting on a happy facade to keep his chin up. He says he regrets that he won’t be able to help Kim and Craig through college at this rate. He winds up talking Lucy into taking a pay cut. Lucy believes that he really is going broke and is trying to marry Laura for her money. She and the kids follow Harry to the restaurant and sit in the booth next to him. Although surprised by the expensive champagne he is ordering, she hears them talking about meeting at the courthouse and sees him returning the ring to her and thinks he is proposing. Lucy and the kids then head to his house before Harry’s meeting with Laura and they steal all of his suits so that he has nothing to wear to the courthouse. When Laura shows up, Lucy goes on about how he is nursing a hangover, and then acts as if she is giving him two bottles of whiskey for breakfast. Harry tries to get dressed in one old suit that he finds, but Lucy and the kids douse him with seltzer water. He winds up in a doughboy outfit from World War 1, which makes Laura think he is completely crazy. She immediately ends the deal with him, leaving him furious with Lucy. Before she is thrown out, she asks Harry one more time about her raise. Marcel de la Brosse is Maurice the waiter. 3/25/24
• 065. Lucy’s Vacation – 1/4/1971
  • Harry is angry with Lucy because of her constant tardiness along with her long lunches and the number of days she’s taken off due to frivolous activities such as Flag Day and Paul Revere’s birthday. He insists that she forfeit her vacation time in order to pay him back for all of the work that she has missed. Meanwhile, Kim and her friend Jan (Kimetha Laurie) are trying to plan a long weekend in Palm Spring and need Lucy to go along as their chaperone. Lucy would love to go but knows that Harry will never let her take off considering their argument that morning. She comes up with a plan to get fired since she knows that he always winds up feeling guilty when he fires her and ultimately hires her back. Harry has been feeling stressed and goes to see his psychiatrist Dr. Sumner Cunningham (Parley Baer), who comes to the conclusion that it is Lucy who is causing him so much angst. Harry tries to name all of the things that she does to get under his skin, but as he lists them, he breaks down in a crying fit. Dr. Cunningham wants him to try being kind and sympathetic to Lucy for one week to see how it goes. This is even more difficult since Lucy is trying to get fired and intentionally tries to get on his nerves by destroying the orchid that he has been waiting for six years to blossom, and then scattering his files everywhere around the office. He somehow maintains his composure and simply sends her to lunch, then calls Cunningham and pleads with him to come to his office to help him. Lucy has lunch with Kim and decides to intensify her efforts, so she returns to work dressed like a hippie. Upon arrival at the office, she also throws fireworks into the trash can to celebrate the Year of the Dog. When the window cleaner Mr. Hilliard (Sid Gould) arrives, Lucy borrows his cleaner and sprays Harry’s face and then uses the squeegee to wipe it off. Dr. Cunningham finally comes out and berates Lucy for the way she is treating Harry and says that the two of them need to separate for a week, advising Harry to take a week in Palm Springs. Harry says there is no way that he will put Lucy in charge and insists that she be the one to go to Palm Springs, giving her what she wanted from the beginning. 8/14/24
• 066. Lucy and the 20-20 Vision – 1/12/1971
  • Kim and Craig are off of school on Thursday and Friday, so they request that Lucy take them on a four-day trip to Tijuana. Lucy doesn’t think that Harry will let her take the time off since he has been so grouchy lately and has been complaining of headaches. Kim speculates that his eyes might be bothering him, so the next day at work, Lucy suggests that Harry go and visit an eye doctor. Although he is as grumpy as ever, he insists that there is nothing wrong with his eyes. Lucy calls the optometrist, Dr. Proctor (Jack Collins), with an idea on how he might be able to examine Harry without him knowing. Proctor comes to the office disguised as a painter named Carl Baker, and Lucy tells Harry that he is making up several advertising signs for the agency, but in order to appeal to a new customer base, he is making the signs in various languages. Lucy then asks Harry to try and read the signs from various distances and with one eye covered. Harry finds the notion ridiculous, especially when he sees what appear to be random letters – like JRKL – that are supposed to be his name. Eventually, Harry throws the doctor out. Lucy then concocts another scheme to have Harry over for dinner and the to try and again convince him that he has eye trouble. She rigs the house so that the doorbell doesn’t ring, making Harry believe that he couldn’t see the button. She also has the kids install a retracting hat hook and then has Kim pull it back into the wall when Harry tries to hang his hat on it. After pulling the chair out from under him and making him hit the floor, they also introduce him to their friend Jane Conklin, who is actually a pair of twins (Morreen Gemini, Colleen Gemini), making Harry believe that he is seeing double. They also pretend that Harry has let the Watsons’ dog Tippi into the house, even though there really is no dog there. Lucy also has Harry signs a contract on the dotted line, which isn’t there… and neither is the magnifying glass she is claiming to use to help him find it. The next day, Craig and Kim come to the office to see if their plan worked, and they all find Harry to be in a fabulous mood. He has realized that he may have needed glasses, so he went to the eye doctor and was fitted for a pair. He apologizes for being so stubborn, but now finds that he can actually read Lucy’s timecard punches. He tells Lucy that he can make up the sixteen hours of punches that weekend. He also invites Kim and Craig to go to Arrowhead with him, but they suggest the bullfights in Tijuana, to which he agrees. Lucy, who has to stay behind and make up her work, advises Harry to drink the water in Tijuana. 8/14/24
• 067. Lucy and the Raffle – 1/18/1971
  • Kim comes home excited that she has won a new sports car in a church raffle, but when Lucy finds out that it can go up to 160mph, she tells Kim that there is no way that she can keep it. Lucy even meets with Harry to get his opinion, and he agrees. Kim is upset by this, and as they arguing, they get a visit from IRS agent Frank Williams (Paul Picerni), who informs them that they owe taxes on the new car, which can be up to $1000 depending on Lucy’s tax bracket and the value of the car. Lucy suggests to Kim that they will have to sell the car to pay the tax, but Kim has the idea to raffle of the car, then use the money to pay the taxes, while still having enough to buy a cheaper car. Lucy likes this idea, and even Harry goes along with it and agrees to pay for the raffle tickets, provided that he gets ten percent of the profit. He also suggests that they will need a permit to host a raffle, so Lucy and Kim go to the permit office. After going through two clerks (Robert Foulk, Sid Gould) that close their windows for lunch and then trying to cut in front of a difficult fat lady (Jody Gilbert), Lucy and Kim finally get to a third clerk (Irwin Charone), who tells them that they don’t need a permit for a raffle. They conduct the raffle and raise $4000 and then draw the winner from the tickets. The winner turns out to be a girl named Betty Gibson, to whom Kill sold the winning ticket. Before they can call Betty, a cop named Lieutenant Egan (Rhodes Reason) shows up and arrests both Lucy and Kim for conducting a raffle, which equates to gambling in the state. Lucy calls for Harry to come bail them out, threatening to tell the cops that he was a partner if he doesn’t help them. He shows up at the courthouse, but because he too was arrested by a different officer. They overhear the strict judge (Hayden Rorke) sentence his own mother (Florence Lake) to six months in jail for kicking a gumball machine. They try to make their case, but the judge says that the law is the law. Harry tries to get himself and Kim off and tells the judge that he can throw the book at Lucy. However, the judge shows leniency to the ladies and says that Harry should have known better as a prominent businessman. In the end, he decides to drop the case against all of them if they agree to pay back every ticket buyer from whom they collected. He says that his daughter bought a ticket from Kim as well, and when he realizes that she ended up being the winner, Betty Gibson, he starts to look for a loophole in his ruling. Larry J. Blake is the permit customer who lets Lucy cut in with Kim. Emile Autuori and John J. Fox are the bailiffs. Vanda Barra is the waitress. NOTE: Lieutenant Egan is named as “Detective Haggerty” in the credits. 12/14/24
• 068. Lucy’s House Guest, Harry – 1/25/1971
  • Harry is having his house redecorated and begins looking for lodging at local motels, but balks when he hears that the prices are $40 per day. Instead, he asks Lucy if he can stay in Craig’s room since Craig is off on vacation for two weeks. Lucy reluctantly agrees to allow him to stay, but it doesn’t take long before she begins to regret it. Harry’s cab driver (Vince Barnett) brings in multiple suitcases, in which are his John Philip Souza record collection, which he uses to play marching music to his morning calisthenics that begin at 6am. He also has special dietary restrictions and requires that Lucy and Kim make his meals out of various whole food products. Harry also brings along his birds Antony and Cleopatra that are also on a very strict diet. When he starts to insist that the ladies get up at 6am to make his breakfast and participate in his exercise, they start to get exhausted and after a week, they are ready for him to leave. He then surprises them by inviting over his four poker buddies (Herbie Faye, Robert Foulk, Emile Autuori, Frank Scannell) to play in an all-day marathon starting at 9am. Harry gets a call from his decorator Poindexter indicating that it may take an extra week before he is ready to go home. Lucy then gets the idea that they need to make him want to leave on his own, so they try bringing in a live marching band and telling him that they need to practice every evening for two hours. Although they initially startle him, he thinks it is a wonderful idea and even offers to sit in with them. He borrows the tuba from the tuba player (Eugene Molnar) and puts it on to try it out. Kim then brings in Willie the Goat, the school’s mascot, whom she says they have to keep in order to prevent the other team from stealing it. With Harry allergic to goats, he says he cannot stay under the same roof with Willie and that he will have to leave. He manages to sneeze while wearing the tuba and gets it caught on Lucy’s head. They pack him up and send him on his way, but as he is getting ready to leave, Lucy suddenly gets a vision of the play The Man Who Came to Dinner and suddenly fears that Harry might injure himself on the way out and have to stay longer. This seems to actually happen when they hear a crash outside the door, but it turns out that the cabbie (Sid Gould) has dropped his suitcase full of records. Harry comes inside to call his insurance agent… and then trips on the lone step at the front door as he enters the house. Harry requests that they not move him as he fears he has broken his leg. 12/14/24

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