The Terrible Catsafterme

SEASON 1 – FX

Opening theme: “Temptation Sensation” by Heinz Kiessling

• 001. The Gang Gets Racist – 8/4/2005
  • Twin siblings Dennis (Glenn Howerton) and “Sweet Dee” Reynolds (Kaitlyn Olson) and their friends Ronald “Mac” McDonald (Rob McElhenney) and Charlie Kelly (Charlie Day) run the small bar Paddy’s Irish Pub in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. Dee brings her black friend Terrell (Malcolm Barrett) from her acting class to meet the guys, and after they accidentally come across as racist, they end up hiring him to help bring business to Paddy’s. Charlie has a huge crush on the waitress (Mary Elizabeth Ellis) at Java Company, but he turns her off immediately when she misconstrues him as being racist as well. Mac wants to make more black friends so he drags Charlie to a college campus to mingle. They only seem attracted to Charlie, and a black girl named Janell (Telisha Shaw) asks him out. He is not interested but takes her out to Java so that he can prove to the waitress that he is not racist. The waitress tells Janell what is going on and she punches Charlie and gives him a black eye. Meanwhile Terrell has filled up the bar with customers, but they soon realize that Terrel is gay and it has become a gay bar. Mac and Dee object to this, but Dennis and Charlie are pleased with how much they are making. Dee orchestrates getting Dennis drunk and having her acting class friends pretend they had an encounter with him, which causes him to vote to change the bar back to the way it was. It is revealed that Janell is Terrell’s sister, and that Dee’s acting friends couldn’t show for the ruse, indicating that Dennis’ gay encounters were real. 2/15/15

• 002. Charlie Wants an Abortion – 8/11/2005
  • An old lover named Stacy Corvelli (Heather Donahue) shows up claiming that her ten-year old son Tommy (Spencer Daniels) is Charlie’s son. Although Charlie wishes that she had gotten an abortion, he agrees to see the kid if only to get a blood test to prove or disprove his paternity. Tommy’s behavior is wretched and they are forced to leave the clinic before the test. Dee takes Charlie and Tommy to the mall and they wind up in a toy store where they run into the waitress who is participating in the Big Brothers/Big Sisters program with a Mexican girl. Dee tells her that Charlie also participates in that program with Tommy and the waitress agrees to carpool with them to a picnic event. Meanwhile Mac is checking on the religious implications of abortion at the Sacred Right center where he meets a hot girl named Megan (Autumn Reeser). He pretends to be an anti-abortion advocate and they hit it off and have sex. When Charlie asks Stacy to see Tommy on Saturday, she breaks down and confesses that Tommy’s real father Jimmy Doyle (Cormac Bluestone) recently left her. He takes him anyway, but Tommy ends up snagging beer at the bar and gets drunk, just in time for the waitress to show up and see him throwing up and Charlie berating him. Dennis accompanies Dee to a Pro-Choice rally but ends up switching to the other side when the girls are unreceptive on his side of the fence. He ends up getting pelted by eggs from both sides. Megan tells Mac that she’s pregnant and Mac tells her that she needs to have an abortion. However she was only testing him and he failed miserably. 2/15/15
• 003. Underage Drinking: A National Concern – 8/16/2005
  • The gang discovers that no one has been carding and that they are having a very lucrative Friday night due to the underage drinking, and vote on continuing the practice of serving to minors. Dee ends up going out with a high school student named Trey (Robert Adamson) who invites her to prom, but Dennis tries to resist the advances of a legal high schooler named Tammy (Jaime Alexander), but she threatens to report their bar if he doesn’t take her to prom. Charlie throws out a boy named Billy (Ryan Alvarez) when he yells at his girlfriend Sara (Katie Chonacas), and Sara and Charlie wind up as prom dates. Mac is jealous that no one has asked him so he announces he is going stag. Dee, Charlie, and Mac all end up getting drunk – with Mac particularly obnoxious – at a high school party after Charlie and Mac supply the keg. Trey and Tammy end up being exes who were using Dennis and Dee to make each other jealous. They get back together and abandon Dennis and Dee. Charlie still goes to the prom, but Sara gets back with Billy and Charlie ends up standing alone. 3/7/15
• 004. Charlie Has Cancer – 8/23/2005
  • Charlie tearfully tells Dennis that he might have cancer, and Dennis tells Mac and Dee, after borrowing Charlie’s basketball. They try to find a girl to hook up with Charlie to cheer him up, but Mac nearly sets him up with a transsexual named Carmen (Brittany Daniel), but he ends up dating him/her himself. Dee agrees to talk the waitress into having sex with Charlie if Mac will let her punch him in the face to make up for when he punched her instinctively when she sneaked up behind him with mistletoe. She later backs out but gets free help at the bar from a girl named Artemis (Artemis Pebdani) who agrees to help and dance provocatively for tips. The only problem is that she’s fat. Dennis ends up asking the waitress but ends up sleeping with her himself. Mac gives her $250 to sleep with Charlie. She ends up just getting Charlie to buy her things and doesn’t sleep with him, while Mac has a successful date with Carmen. Charlie still considers the date successful, but then admits that he doesn’t really have cancer and that it was all a ploy to get the waitress. Mac blows his relationship with Carmen when he punches her accidentally and gets chases across the city for his ‘hate crime.’ Mac and Dennis try to get the $250 back from the waitress but she slams the door in their faces. 3/7/15
• 005. Gun Fever – 8/30/2005
  • When the safe is stolen from Paddy’s, Dennis and Mac are insistent on getting a gun, not only to defend the bar but to solve the crime like the Hardy Boys. Dee is dating a guy named Colin (Michael Rosenbaum), whom Charlie claims is a player, and the guys eventually suspect of being the robber. Charlie eventually enjoys the gun and uses it to scare his landlord Hwang (Shelly Desai) when Rice Krispie Treats don’t deter him from collecting rent. Dennis and Mac get the gun back and go investigating, planting a trap for Colin by telling them that there is more money in the cash register. They stake out the bar and shoot the robber in the head, but he turns out to be Charlie trying to get money for his rent. Charlie is hospitalized and everyone agrees to give up the gun… until Dee leaves the room. Colin calls to check on Charlie, phoning from Paddy’s where his is clearing out the cash drawer. Robert Blanche is Detective Jones. 3/16/15
• 006. The Gang Finds a Dead Guy – 9/6/2005
  • Mac and Dee come into the bar one morning a find a man dead named Lionel Keane (Martin Beck) in one of the booths, a result of Charlie locking up and leaving him inside all night. When Mac and Dennis meet Keane’s attractive granddaughter Rebecca (Lindsey McKeon), they both claim to have known Keane and compete over winning her over. Dee starts thinking about her own grandfather Pop-Pop (Tom Bower) in a nursing home and takes Charlie with her to visit. Dee is scared of old people so only Charlie gets to spend time with him. Pop-Pop asks Charlie to go to a storage locker to get his military uniform in which he wants to be buried. The uniform turns out to be a Nazi uniform, which he and Mac then try and sell to a museum. When they won’t buy it, they decide to burn it and keep it a secret. Dee tries to return and visit Pop-Pop but ends up throwing up in disgust. After gathering homeless people to populate Keane’s funeral and delivering the eulogy, Dennis scores with Rebecca and rubs it in Mac’s face. Mac then tells him that his grandfather. Charlie has secretly kept the Nazi uniform hat. Ted Rooney is the curator. 3/16/15
• 007. Charlie Got Molested – 9/13/1995
  • Mac reads in the newspaper that he and Charlie’s former elementary gym teacher at St. Vincent, Chris Murray (Dennis Haskins), is being accused of molestation by two brothers during that time period, Charlie runs out of the bar, causing everyone to deduce that he got molested. Dennis and Dee think they are equipped to diagnose him because they took psychology classes in high school. Mac’s feelings are hurt because he was never molested. Charlie goes and sees the brothers Ryan (Nate Mooney) and Liam McPoyle (Jimmy Simpson) and it is revealed that the brothers are just trying to get even with the strict teacher, which was an idea that Charlie had suggested a year earlier while drunk. Mac goes to see Murray and tries to entice him to molest him and is thrown out. Dennis and Dee arrange an intervention with Charlie’s mother Bonnie (Lynne Marie Stewart), his perverted Uncle Jack (Andrew Friedman), his grandmother, and the McPoyle brothers. Charlie goes to the police station with the brothers saying he is going to make a report, but simply turns them in. Dee brags that the intervention works, although Charlie claims it ruined his life. Mac apologizes to Mr. Murray. 3/16/15

SEASON 2

• 008. Charlie Gets Crippled – 6/29/2006
  • When Dee and Dennis’ father Frank (Danny DeVito) asks to see them, they try to flee the bar and end up hitting Charlie with their car, causing him to wind up in a wheelchair. Frank announces that he and their mother are getting divorced and that he intends to give all of his money away and hang out with them, much to their chagrin. Charlie and Mac take Frank out to a strip club, and find that the women are attracted to Charlie’s wheelchair. Two strippers (Natasha Leggero, Sara Erikson) end up going back to Charlie’s apartment with them, but Frank locks Charlie and Mac outside and has fun with the strippers himself. Dennis and Dee raid their father’s house to claim his loot, and have a competition on who can get more. Dennis and Mac try to use the wheelchair idea to pick up women at the mall, but only end up in a fight with each other. Dee tries the same tactic with crutches. Frank offers to pay Charlie’s rent for six months if he lets him live with him, and while Charlie continues using his wheelchair to pick up women – adding a claim to be a veteran – Frank has another gaggle of women around him, as he too is using a wheelchair. Dennis and Mac get drunk together and crash their car into everyone, but most escape with minor injuries… except for Dee’s date, who winds up in traction. Josh Fadem plays Wayne, a guy in a real wheelchair. 3/17/15
• 009. The Gang Goes Jihad – 6/29/2006
  • A man from Israel named Ari Frenkel (Josh Stamberg) moves in next to Paddy’s and tells the gang that they need to vacate because he actually owns half of the property. The guys try to come with ways to terrorize him including toilet papering and egging his building. Meanwhile Frank’s wife Barbara (Anne Archer) tracks him down to talk some send into him, and ends up dating Ari. In retaliation Frank steals Barbara’s dog, and when Ari tries to retrieve it and reveals that he’s having trouble with the property because of a gas leak, Frank buys the property from him. Still trying to scare Ari, the guys make a Jihad home movie delivering threats to him. Dennis and Mac decide it is going to far, but Charlie throws it into the building along with flaming dog poop… which blows up the building. Frank threatens to tell the police if they don’t allow him into their group, now that he owns the bar. Police Detective Tanner (Rich Zahn) shows up looking for information about the Jihad tape. Ravi Patel is the guys’ lawyer. 5/25/15
• 010. Dennis and Dee Go on Welfare – 7/6/2006
  • Dennis and Dee are fed up with their father giving them orders, so they quit the bar to pursue other careers. Soon they find out that they can get more on unemployment so they spend their days getting drunk on the stoop of their apartment. When the unemployment runs out, they turn to welfare and present themselves as a recovering crack addict taking care of his retarded sister. The caseworker (Aisha Hinds) informs them they will need medical documentation, so they decided to smoke some crack so that they can get a blood test. However they end up addicted to crack and quickly run out of money. Meanwhile Mac comes up with the idea to participate in the Work for Welfare program so they enlist the help of two welfare recipients Maria (Joanna Sanchez) and Tony (Eddie Pepitone). Charlie and Mac decide to celebrate having free ‘slave’ labor, and since Frank has hidden all of his money in Charlie’s account, they go on a spending spree with several prostitutes and a limo. When Frank finds out, he cuts off access to his account, causing Charlie and Mac to flee the hookers in fear of their pimps. Dennis and Dee return to work, but are demoted to doing Charlie’s old jobs. Charlie is promoted to management since he showed the initiative to steal Frank’s money. Keith Bullard is the crack dealer. 12/10/15
• 011. Mac Bangs Dennis’s Mom – 7/6/2006
  • Mac goes to Barbara’s house to retrieve Frank’s toupee for a date, and Barbara strips nude and tries to seduce Mac. Meanwhile Dennis wants to get out of ‘Charlie-work’ at the bar, so he takes out the waitress and tells Charlie that he’ll sleep with her if Charlie in his capacity as manager doesn’t relieve Dennis of the grunt work. When Charlie finds out that Barbara wants to sleep with Mac, he hatches a plan to work in his favor. He sends Mac to sleep with Barbara, and then brings Dennis to witness what has happened, advising him to try and get revenge by sleeping with Mac’s mother (Sandy Martin). Charlie also gets Dee to take the waitress to witness Dennis proposition Mrs. Mac – although he actually gets turned down. Then he sends Dee to tell Dennis that Charlie is trying to sleep with her, and has her advise Dennis to try and sleep with Charlie’s mother, then tells the waitress this as well. Dee advises the waitress to sleep with Charlie as revenge. Dennis’s self esteem is hurt from being turned down twice by elderly women. Frank has ended a date with Angie Spinola (Marcia Ann Burrs), a date his own age, in favor of looking for younger women with Mac, who is more interested in finding out how he can keep Barbara as his girlfriend. Barbara eventually tells him that she only slept with him to get back at Frank. Dennis catches Mac leaving his mother’s house and attacks him. Dee, now restored to her former role as bartender, helps Charlie gets ready for his date with the waitress, who shows up at the bar with Frank, declaring that she slept with him to get back at Dennis, who had told her that he loves her. Lucy DeVito appears as Jenny. 2/13/16
• 012. Hundred Dollar Baby – 7/13/2006
  • Inspired by the movie Million Dollar Baby and the fact that the guys left her in an alley to take a mugging from a meth head (Jason Van Over), Dee decides to take a boxing class, but Frank talks her into letting him train her at his old gym. Frank and Dee are picked on by Frank’s old rival Bobby Thunderson (Eddie Mekka) and his daughter Brianna (Jessie Ward). A shady woman (Katie Kreisler) sells Dee some ‘performance enhancement’ drugs, which she quickly gets addicted to causing boundless energy and raging mood swings. Meanwhile Dennis and Mac try to get Charlie conditioned to participate in underground street fighting by building up his tolerance for pain. Charlie dips into Dee’s drugs and begins the wild mood swings as well. On the day that Dee is supposed to fight Brianna and Charlie is going to be in his first underground fight – as Clown Baby – Dee finds out that her drugs are gone, which leads to a fight between Dee and Charlie, who both get thrown in jail. Frank ends up in the ring with Bobby and sucker punches him, knocking him into Brianna, who breaks her neck on a chair. Mac steps in for Charlie as Clown Baby and loses to a much smaller guy. On the way home, Dennis and Mac are hit by the same mugger, and Dennis is forced to reveal that he changed his bet against Mac and won a stack of money, which he is promptly robbed of. Luis Daniel Ponce aka Danny Ponce is Marco. 2/13/16
• 013. The Gang Gives Back – 7/20/2006
  • The gang is sentenced to community service for their deeds in burning down the neighboring building. Charlie claims that he was drunk when he committed the act, so he additionally is sentenced to go to AA meetings. There he meets the waitress, who offers to sponsor him in order to get closer to Dennis, although Charlie tries to take full advantage of the situation. The others have to coach two youth basketball teams at the community center, with Dennis coaching the Wildcats, and Mac and Dee coaching the Ducks. Mac and Dee fight over who is head coach, until Mac gives her a bloody nose during his aggressive examples. Dennis and Mac end up teaching their teams who to hurt each other. Meanwhile Frank becomes addicted to gambling with his Vietnamese friends, and joins Dennis in coaching… just so he can throw the game by bribing their star player Chris (Carlon Jeffery). When Charlie finds out that the waitress is using him, he gets drunk and volunteers to referee, often interfering in the game, which degenerates into a melee. The gang ends up getting re-assigned to pick up garbage on the side of the highway. Bill H. McKenzie is Rick at the Rec. 5/25/15
• 014. The Gang Exploits a Miracle – 7/27/2006
  • Mac and Charlie find a water stain in the storage room that resembles the Virgin Mary and decide to exploit it to pick up customers and solicit donations. One of their visitors is a former classmate named Matthew “Rickety Cricket” Mara (David Hornsby) who is now a priest, and used to be the subject of humiliation from the gang. Frank tries to get an old crazy Priest named Father O’Grady (Jack Axelrod) to bless the stain, while Dee tries to prove that she’s not too old by trying to entice Matthew to re-visit his feelings for her and to bless it. Meanwhile Dennis, due to a remark by Dee, thinks his face is getting to fat, so he fasts for several days. Charlie and Mac get carried away when they are asked to deliver a blessing, and Charlie begins to believe he is the chosen one. He and Mac end up having a battle over interpreting the bible. Father O’Grady ends up ‘blessing’ the stain by peeing on it. Matthew ends up leaving the priesthood for Dee, who is no longer interested, although when Dennis passes out from hunger, the opportunity presents itself to repay him for the ‘teabag’ that Dennis once delivered to him. Gina Morelli is the Hispanic woman. Phil Perlman is the I.V. man who receives a blessing. 5/10/16
• 015. The Gang Runs for Office – 8/3/2006
  • When the gang realizes that there is money to made through bribery by running for public office and then dropping out ,Dennis decides to run for the Zone 37 Comptroller. Frank runs over Mac to be campaign manager, but Dennis assigns it to Charlie. Frank then talks Dee into running for the same office and compete for the bribe from the incumbent Jack Stanford (Damian Young), who ends up asking Dee out on a date. Mac solicits the backing of Union businessmen Morris (John Rosenfeld) and Gary (Patrick Thomas O’Brien) and ends up calling them nerds. They take revenge by hiring a giant man named Marvin (Gregory R. Goliath) to threaten Mac to get Dennis to drop out of the race. Mac gets shut out of the campaign so he joins forces with Frank to get Dennis to bow out of the race by creating a smear campaign claiming Dennis committed statutory rape while at summer camp. Frank folds when Charlie gets the smear tape in exchange for his collection of Garbage Pail Kids cards. It is all for naught as Dennis decides to simply drop out of the race. Charlie conspires with Mac to get revenge, but when Mac finds out that Dennis has dropped out, he heads to the Union office to collect his bribe money and is arrested by cops Eddie (Brian Fitzpatrick) and Phil (Edward James Gage), who then attempt to bribe money out of Mac. Dee’s date with Stanford ends prematurely when Stanford’s wife (Catherine Schreiber) shows up and throws a drink in her face. 2/13/16
• 016. Charlie Goes America All Over Everybody’s Ass – 8/10/2006
  • When Dennis smokes in the bar, Charlie and Dee come down on the side of banning smoking, claiming American virtues of providing a safe place for non-smokers. Dennis and Mac feel that the bar should be a place of true freedom where anything goes. Frank takes full advantage of this and invites a group of gamblers to hang out in the bar. Charlie and Dee support an anti-smoking group until he sees their leader Lucas (Lucas Papaelias) light up, claiming to only be an actor. Dee pushes Charlie to exercise so that they can do a sidewalk performance, but Charlie throws up as soon as it starts. Hoping that normal girls will run wild at Paddy’s, Dennis and Mac start to have second thoughts about their freedom zone when the gamblers start acting weird and the McPoyle brothers return seeking revenge on Charlie. They relegate Frank and his friends to the basement and tell them they can do whatever they want down there. Dee seeks help from Artemis for her street performance, but is interrupted by a rebel Charlie who drives away the audience. After confronting a junkie (Dennis Staroselsky), Dennis and Mac start establishing rule and throw out the McPoyles, but not before Liam stabs Charlie with a fork. When they visit the basement, they find that Frnak is running a game of Russian Roulette, and when one of the participants shoots himself, they finally call the police. Thesy Surface is Poss McPoyle, later known as the third sibling Margaret. 5/10/16
• 017. Dennis and Dee Get a New Dad – 8/17/2006
  • Dee gets a request on Myspace from an activist named Bruce Mathis (Stephen Collins) who claims to be her and Dennis’s real father. When they confront their parents about it, Barbara admits that Bruce is in fact their real father, unbeknownst to Frank who makes a huge scene in the restaurant. Meanwhile Mac wants to become closer to his father and Charlie, who never had a father, comes along to visit Mac’s father Bill (Gregory Scott Cummins) in prison. Bill wants them to start smuggling heroin to him in their anus, and they agree while also thinking of ways that they can become more thug and impress him. They agree with Frank to administer a severe beating to Bruce on Frank’s behalf. While Charlie and Mac plan to beat up Bruce at a lupus charity event, Dennis and Dee join him onstage to sing The Greatest Love of All. Charlie and Mac both chicken out. Barbara finds out that Bruce inherited money, so she is interested in him again as well. Bruce gets Barbara, Dennis, and Dee to visit sick children in the hospital wearing clown noses, but while there they show their true selves and all walk out of Bruce’s life. Dennis and Dee return to Frank and ask him to be their father again, but he refuses. Charlie’s mother shows up for a date with Frank, after having had a one-night stand years ago. Charlie speculates that Frank might in fact be his father. Matthew J. Evans is the boy in the ICU. Jon Walmsley is the uncredited guitar player. 8/14/16

SEASON 3

• 018. The Gang Finds a Dumpster Baby – 9/13/2007
  • Dennis finds a baby in the dumpster, and Mac had the idea that he wants to raise the baby, whom they name “B.D.”, with Dee. She reluctantly agrees, and Mac immediately starts treating Dee like his servant wife. Meanwhile Dennis sees An Inconvenient Truth and decides to help the environment by visiting a landfill with a group of hippies going through trash that can be recycled. He immediately runs afoul of an activist named Sage (Todd Grinnell), who along with his girlfriend Asriel (Jackie Tohn) pick on him mercilessly. Dennis ups his game by dressing more hippie-ish, only to be belittled again. Dennis then has the idea to chain himself to save a tree from being razed, but Sage jumps on the idea and chains himself to the tree… while Dennis sleeps with Asriel. After Dennis unchains Sage, he gives the go-ahead to the bulldozer and tells Sage what he did. Meanwhile Charlie finds an Ali Baba sword amongst the garbage, and then along with Frank, whom Charlie is also trying to get to take a blood test to find out if he is Charlie’s father, gets addicted to dumpster diving and filling their apartment with recovered trash. Charlie and Dee get tired of the baby, but then see the opportunity to make money by using him as a baby model. When Brenda the agent (Kate Mulligan) tells them that they need more baby models of Hispanic descent, they try taking him to a tanning bed, and then applying shoe polish to his face. Frank tells Charlie that his mother did in fact get pregnant from their one-night stand, but that he had forced her to have an abortion. Charlie’s mother tells him that she did in fact had an abortion, but that it ‘didn’t take’… and if Frank had ever found out, he would have forced her to throw him in a dumpster. Charlie then deduces that the dumpster baby is the product of Frank and the waitress’s fling and he confronts her about it, although Frank and her had only had sex three months earlier. The waitress calls a social worker (Algerita Wynn), who catches Mac and Dee applying the shoe polish, while Charlie, Frank, and Dennis fight over the Ali Baba sword over the baby. 8/14/16
• 019. The Gang Gets Invincible – 9/13/2007
  • Buckling to public pressure following the film Invincible, the Philadelphia Eagles football team agrees to hold open football auditions for the public, and Dennis and Mac decide to take part just to get the chance to run in Lincoln Financial Field. Dee also joins the tryouts disguised as a man named Cole. Charlie and Frank decided to relax and tailgate, but Frank ends up dropping acid and spiking Charlie’s beer with acid as well. The players end up being bused to a local high school for the tryouts so Charlie and Frank follow. Among those trying out is Doyle McPoyle (Bob Rusch) of the McPoyle family. Charlie and Frank are subjected to Liam and Ryan and an entire camper full of their family weirdos. Frank, who already has a fear of being locked in a camper, uses the bathroom and gains gets locked in… but ends up actually being outside standing in a trash can in his acid-induced panic. Charlie dons his high school ‘green suit’ and dances with the McPoyles. Dee initially kicks the football an amazing length across the field, causing the coach (Faizon Love) to take notice and call in some scouts. However when she tries to kick it again, she shatters her foot. Dennis and Charlie attempt to get Frank’s gun from him to scare Dee when she kicks the ball, and Frank ends up shooting Doyle, who has been selected to move on in the tryouts, in the leg thus escalating the McPoyle feud. Geoffrey Owens in the Donovan McNabb impersonator. 10/26/16
• 020. Dennis and Dee’s Mom Is Dead – 9/20/2007
  • A botched neck lift kills Dennis and Dee’s mother, and when they meet with the attorney (Brian Unger) they find out that Frank and Dee have inherited nothing, but Dennis is given the mansion with the stipulation that Frank is not allowed inside of it. The rest of the mansion goes to the kids’ real father Bruce. Initially Dee wants to dig up the body to get her mother’s jewelry, but then she and Frank decide to have Frank pose as Dee’s boyfriend Seamus and claiming that they want to adopt children and need some of the inheritance to do so. Bruce is onto the ruse from the start so tries to teach them a lesson by bringing them four orphans to raise. When they don’t flinch, he insists on watching their lovemaking to make sure they have a stable relationship. They claim they won’t have sex until after they are married, so Bruce performs the ceremony. Meanwhile Dennis, Mac, and Charlie realize they have no friends to enjoy partying with in the new mansion, so they put out flyers shaped like biceps, which more resemble penises, and can only come up with two nebbish frat boys Phil (Marcus Toji) and Jonathan (Edward Kiniry-Ostro) that they systematically torture in order to help them create memories and spread their legacy. Charlie brings over a suicidal man named Ernesto (Jose Yenque), and they become obsessed with reading Dee’s teenage diary. The frat boys eventually escape at Dee’s wedding at the mansion, at which time Bruce announces that he knows how horrible of people they are, and then confiscates Dennis’s video recorder to prove that Dennis had Frank on the property and will thus lose the house. Dee reverts back to her original plan to dig up her mother. Cy Carter and Sam Witwer are guys that Dennis and Mac attempt to become friends with. 10/27/16
• 021. The Gang Gets Held Hostage – 9/20/2007
  • While Frank searches for his will that has been hidden by Charlie in the heating ducts of the bar, the McPoyle siblings take the group hostage in the bar, making a series of ridiculous demands of the authorities and threatening to kill some of them if their demands aren’t met. Members of the gang offer to team up and then betray each other in order to not get shot. With the heat cranked full blast in the bar and orders to destroy the bar to save their lives, Dee starts to develop Stockholm Syndrome, Dennis tries to seduce the McPoyle sister Margaret, and Mac betrays Frank’s trust by telling Charlie that Frank is searching for the will so that Dennis and Dee won’t try and kill him for the inheritance. Frank tells Mac he is also worried about Charlie killing him, with Charlie overhearing and then stalking Frank, who eventually pulls a gun on him. The McPoyles take the gang to the roof, but when Frank and Charlie appear from the duct, the retreat when Frank pulls his gun and shoots at them. In a scene reminiscent of Die Hard, Ryan falls off the one-story building. The gang then realizes their gun was rubber and they had held them hostage merely to get revenge, as the McPoyles flee on foot. 1/31/17
• 022. The Aluminum Monster vs. Fatty Magoo – 9/27/2007
  • While Charlie tries to shoplift a new t-shirt, Dee runs into an old classmate Ingrid “Fatty Magoo” Nelson (Judy Greer), who has since lost the weight and is now owner of the store. They recall how Dee used to be called the Aluminum Monster because of the backbrace she wore, and how Dee’s lofty dreams inspired Ingrid to now own her own clothing store. Dee tries to take revenge by designing her own dress, but Dennis thinks that he, as the winner of the family, can do better and draws a series of sexy dress designs, which excite Charlie. Frank teaches Mac about manipulation by stepping in and running a sweat shop of Eastern women and Charlie to manufacture the dresses that Dennis lies and says he has gotten orders for. Ingrid is in fact not interested in Dennis or his dresses at all, but Dennis tells Mac that he has received orders for an additional 100 to keep him away from the shop. Dennis blames Ingrid’s lack of interest on the model (Rachelle Wood), and the fact that he can’t find a decent model. Dee tries to have Ingrid arrested for buying dresses from a sweatshop and brings in an cop (Michael Marc Friedman), who knew the girls from high school, and ponders what ever happened to Dennis… who barges in wearing the dress himself. David Zdunich makes his first appearance as Ernie the barfly. 2/1/17
• 023. The Gang Solves the North Korea Situation – 9/27/2007
  • With the upcoming Pub Crawl, Dee is excited to host a talent contest and hire people with no talent so she will win, while Mac, who is sporting a new duster, worries about the competition from a Korean bar owned by Mr. Kim (Takayo Fischer), who has been serving a delicious microbrew. Dennis borrows the duster and takes Charlie to run intel on the Korean bar, repeatedly attempting to kick down a door marked “Private” until they are kicked out. They then meet the bar’s worker Sun-Li (Tania Gunadi), and have a competition over her affections, which Charlie wins because of their like-mindedness when, and they become engaged. Dee gets drunk as she auditions people for the talent contest, and then visits Mr, Kim and tries to get the recipe to the microbrew by seducing him. Kim doesn’t bite, but a toothless busman (Maxie Santillan Jr.) offers the recipe in exchange for sex. Fearing that the crawl is dying at Paddy’s, the guys arrange to rope Sun-Li, now engaged to Charlie, into a wet t-shirt contest, while Dee finds out that the recipe she received is just a message to her, and Frank tries to shut down Kim’s at gunpoint. However Kim tells Frank that they’ve already shot down because his 12-year old daughter Sun-Li is missing. Frank rushes back to Paddy’s and jumps in the line of the water before it hits Sun-Li, creating his own wet t-shirt… which helps clear the bar entirely. Donna Pieroni is Martha. 5/16/17
• 024. The Gang Sells Out – 10/4/2007
  • The gang is offered a huge amount from a corporate rep (Richard Ruccolo) at Media Restaurant Group to sell their bar to become an Oldies Rock Cafe. When they see the amount, they are all for it… but Frank wants to get the rep to ‘woo’ them. However when they make their demands, the rep takes the offer off the table. Frank enlists his old gang the Yellow Jackets (The Mighty Echoes: Charles G. “Raz” Davis, John “Scoots” Latan, John “Pipe” Rubin, Harvey “CrazyLegs” Shield, Phil “Hawky” De Barros) to loiter near the location that the rep goes with. Meanwhile Dee and Charlie have no shares left at Paddy’s so they get jobs at the Oldies Rock Cafe working for the waitress, who is now the assistant manager. Dee takes advantage of the waitress by stealing, and she lets Dee get away with it if Dee will put in a good word with Dennis, who sees how hot the girls are there and applies for a job as the bartender. Frank and the Yellow Jackets begin singing doo-wop on the streets, and when Mac gets irritated, he takes them to the rep’s house where they threaten him… but Hawky ends up having a heart attack and dying on his doorstep. When the waitress can no longer tolerate Dennis’s free shots and Dee’s stealing, Charlie tries to impress her by helping and he calls the corporate rep down, who fires everyone including the waitress. The Yellow Jackets sing a doo wop tribute to Hawky as they dispense his ashes in street trashcan fire. Terence Bernie Hines is the father. David Gueriera is the host. 5/17/17
• 025. Frank Sets Sweet Dee on Fire – 10/4/2007
  • Dissatisfied with the state of the local news and the public access channel that regularly features a topless dancing man (Pedro Lopez) with various backgrounds that segues into a show called Diaper Time!!!, featuring adults dancing in diapers. Charlie, Mac, and Frank decides to create their own news show, while Dennis and Dee target becoming famous by doing something outrageous at the nightclubs. The guys visit the Malvin Retirement Home and try to find something seedy going on but when they interview an elderly woman named Irvene Simon (Lillian Adams), but find nothing other than the fact that she’s racist. They then move on to Chinatown where they find a crowd gathered, but are disappointed that they are only watching two people play Wii. Mac ends up saving someone from choking, but Charlie had forgotten to load the camera, so they try to capture another act of heroism. Meanwhile Dennis and Dee wait to get into a nightclub, but Dee is already so drunk that she passes out in the garbage. Dennis meet a girl (Brittany Paige aka Brittany Krall) and spends the evening drugged up on Ecstasy. The next night Dee refuses to wait in line, so Dennis advises her to talk down to the bouncer (Alex Sol), but she gets so carried away that the bouncer only lets Dennis in… where he repeats his night on Ecstasy. The guys get the idea to make Dee a hero by having her rescue kittens from a burning building, so they send her in and Frank throws a match into the kerosene soaked building. When Dee throws the box of kittens, they try again by having her rescue them from a well and setting it on fire too. Charlie works on a device that chops up kittens, that he plans to have Dee rescue them from. Dee and Dennis try one more time in the nightclub and end up both on Ecstasy, which leads to them starring in the next installment of Diaper Time!!! 1/4/18
• 026. Sweet Dee’s Dating a Retarded Person – 10/11/2007
  • Sweet Dee introduces her new boyfriend, aspiring white rapper Lil’ Kevin (Kyle Davis) to the gang, and Dennis insists that he knew him in grade school and that he is mentally challenged. The guys also believe that if Kevin can make it in music, they can as well. Charlie and Mac don’t think Dennis is right for the band, but they use Frank to fund their instruments. Dennis tries to prove to Dee that Kevin is retarded, so they visit his house where he lives with his mother (Judith Drake). Eventually while watching cartoon, Dee becomes convinced and breaks it off with Kevin. The others are less interested in perfecting their instruments and more in destroying a hotel room. Eventually Charlie writes the song Night Man, but the others kick him out of the band when they find the lyrics too homo erotic. Mac then recruits Dennis for the band, but they hate his outfit so they kick him out as well. Dennis and Charlie form an alliance and co-write the song Day Man. During their first performance at the bar, they are booed off the stage. Dennis tells Dee that Kevin wasn’t actually retarded, although this is a lie on his part, so she gets back with him but questions whether he’s retarded. Kevin takes the stage from Mac and Frank and performs a completely coherent rap bashing Dee to an overwhelming response from the crowd… which leads Dennis to deduce that he wasn’t retarded after all. 1/4/18
• 027. Mac Is a Serial Killer – 10/18/2007
  • With a serial killer on the loose and Mac acting suspicious about his whereabouts, the gang starts to suspect him, and Frank has his mind set on torturing him with a chainsaw if it is true. After watching Law & Order, Charlie fancies himself a lawyer acting on Mac’s behalf. Dennis and Dee decides to set a trap for the killer by having Dee pose as a young, attractive blonde woman, but she is mistaken for a prostitute by a pimp named Pepper Jack (Marcus Harris) and Dennis has to pay to get her back. They then decide to try and think like a serial killer and so they get weapons from Dee’s neighbor Gary (Bill Chott), who has a crush on her and lets the take them from the hardware store in which he works, and they begin to stalk the waitress. She ends up macing them and escaping. Frank finds a book about anatomy in Mac’s house, and thinks this, combined with the fact that Dennis’s mom thinks he’s a killer incriminates him. In reality, Mac has been seeing the transvestite Carmen and doesn’t want anyone to know. The gang sets him up by inviting him on a date with a fake woman and using Gary’s apartment as the stakeout location. After Mac arrives and finally admits the truth about Carmen, they discover severed heads in Gary’s refrigerator. When he returns home, Frank revs up the chainsaw. 9/8/18
• 028. Dennis Looks Like a Registered Sex Offender – 10/25/2007
  • As Charlie is trying to set a record for holding his breath, a neighbor named Betty Kenuso (Mary Ann Hermansen) pays a visit to let Charlie, Mac, and Frank know that Eastern State Correctional Facility is running out of room and has released 25 percent of their prison population. Among those released are Mac’s father (now named Luther) and registered sex offender Wendell Albright (Glenn Howerton) who looks very similar to Dennis. Luther pays a visit to the bar and Mac offers him a job, which makes Dee very uncomfortable. While Mac only wants to spend time with his father, Luther gets him to steal Dennis’s car and take him around to a group of people on his list. Meanwhile Frank decides to move out of Charlie’s apartment so that he can have a love-maid, and chooses Charlie’s mother. Dennis only wants him parents to get back together, but they arrange a going-away party for Frank hoping that Mac’s mother will lure Frank away from Mac’s mother. Luther ends up attracted to Mac’s mother, so the plan works out fine for Charlie, and Frank is driven back to him.When Mac and Charlie find their names on the list, they come to the conclusion that Luther is killing people on the list, so they call the police. Luther is arrested, but the police officer (Bryan Birge) explains he was only making amends with the people on the list, but violated probation by buying three tickets to Cooperstown, New York to take Mac and Charlie to the Baseball Hall of Fame. Luther tells Mac he never intended to kill him, but promises that when he gets out, he most certainly will. Dee gets Dennis pegged as a sex offender by coaxing him to remove his shirt in park and teach the kids calisthenics. When an angry father (Gary Kraus) and friends beat him up, he finally confronts Wendell and brings along his friend Timmy (Connor McCoy), who will swear that Wendell has been inappropriate with if he doesn’t promise to move out the building. Wendell gives in and promises to move. Katie McElhenney and Kathy Morano appear as angry moms. Don Meloche is a bar patron. 9/11/18
• 029. The Gang Gets Whacked (Part 1) – 11/1/2007
  • While Dennis and Mac attempt to restore electricity to the bar, Charlie and Dee find some speakers that fell off a truck. One of the speakers contain a bag of drugs inside, and although Frank tries to discourage them from selling them, Dee and Charlie visit Frank’s associate Bingo (Gregg Weiner) and sell them for $300. Before they return, three gangsters Anthony (James Price, Jr.), Lefty (Mario Di Donato), and Johnny (John Mariano) visit Dennis and Mac and threaten them that unless the drugs or $25,000 by the end of the week, they will kill them.  The gang returns to Bingo but he won’t return the drugs for less than $5000, but he does sell them $1200 worth of Oxycontin to resell. They talk Frank into taking them to his country club to sell the drugs, but wants Dennis to act as a gigolo to older ladies at the club, even hiring Rico (Matt Cadeno) to help talk him into it. Charlie visits the stables and sells his batch of drugs to the jockeys, getting hit on by an elderly jockey named Buster (Robert Towers). Mac and Dee are escorted off the property because he and Dee can’t agree on whether to pose Dee as his secretary or business partner. They all leave and don’t take Mac with them. Mac goes to the three gangsters and stresses that he wasn’t involved with their drugs and asks them for a job. They put him to work cleaning their bathrooms, still planning to whack him at the end of the week. Big Will Harris is the security guard. NOTE: This is the first of a two-part episode. 6/2/19
• 030. The Gang Gets Whacked (Part 2) – 11/1/2007
  • A now horse-obsessed Charlie and Dee use their Oxycontin money and buy some cocaine to sell to upscale users, but since they walk too fast to stop for their pitch, they catch up by putting cocaine on their gums. They also run into Rickety Cricket, whom Dee had driven out of the priesthood, and they try to convince him to sell the drugs for them since he is now a homeless street urchin, enticing him by telling him he can stay at Dee’s place. He successfully sells the drugs and gets enough money to pay back the mob, but Charlie and Dee decide to buy more with the money and send Cricket back to sell more. Meanwhile Frank keep pimping out Dennis to older women despite Dennis starting to feel like a piece of meat. Mac tries to get the mob boys to utilize him more but they keep him on menial tasks and nickname him ‘Pussy Hands’. He jumps levels to the boss Sal (Joe Cortese) to please his case, so Sal gives him the task of cleaning his gutters. While there he spots Dennis dancing for Sal’s wife Frannie (Karen James). Cricket sells the cocaine, but spends the money on two garbage cans that he believes are kettle drums. Dee and Charlie substitute flour for almost all of the cocaine, then eat a portion of it. Charlie buys a horse that he names Peter Nincompoop, then lets it go through the streets of Philadelphia thinking he would stick out too much riding it as they escape the mob. When the mob shows up to kill the guys, and they all pull guns on each other, Dennis shows up with $25,000 and saves the day, having sold a chalice that belongs to Frank. All is well until Sal gets a report from Frannie that one of Pussy Hands’ friends came onto her. They blame it on Cricket, so the mob guys take him and break his legs. NOTE: This is the second of a two-part episode. 6/3/19
• 031. Bums: Making a Mess All Over the City – 11/8/2007
  • When Dennis, Mac, and Dee spot a bum (Tracey Walter) masturbating behind the bar, so Mac and Dee attend a Citizens for Justice meeting, which doesn’t go well when the leader (Michael Merton) tells them that they will not be given or reimbursed for weapons. Frank, Dennis, and Charlie head to the junkyard to look for a junkyard dog, but end up buying an old cop car and mean cat whom they name ‘Agent Jack Bauer’ from the owner (Lee Weaver). Mac talks Dee into wearing a beret and become a new incarnation of the Guardian Angels. Dee immediately goes overboard and attacks and beats the bum. Frank and Dennis buy cop uniforms and promise Charlie he can ride in the back seat wearing any disguise he wants as an undercover cop. Their first order of business it to get free hot dogs from a vendor (Russ Widdall). Charlie then disguises himself as Serpico and tires to stop a jaywalker (Ryan Homchick), but Dennis and Frank end up extorting $15 from him. Mac and Dee offer their services to a police clerk (Clark Renata), but she sends them with cops who drop them off in a touch neighborhood, where they fear for their lives and are held up by a drug addict (Bob McElhenny). While Frank tries to get more hot dogs for him and Jack Bauer, Dennis robs a loitering pedestrian (Robert Michael Kelly). When the vendor refuses to make hot dogs for everyone, Frank demands that Dennis abandon the cat under threat of him taking back the badge he purchased for him. Dennis recruits Mac and Dee to put the hurt on the hot dog vendor, frame Frank for it, and then take the cop car for themselves. Charlie – as Serpico – records the conversation and turns it into the police clerk, who refuses to listen to the tape, prompting a Al Pacino-like tirade in the police station. He then returns to he bar and swipes the Molotov cocktail intended for the hot dog sand and blows up the cop car. Serpico drops the tape off outside the Mayro’s office, where it is promptly thrown away by a man picking up trash. 2/18/20
• 032. The Gang Dances Their Ass Off – 11/15/2007
  • As Frank works on ranking the employees at the bar – giving Dee the lowest ranking – Charlie signs the bar up to be the host of a dance endurance competition and accidentally lists Paddy’s itself as the grand prize. Among the competition are the waitress and Rickety Cricket, who agree to partner up to win the bar. After just a couple minutes of dancing, the twin DJs Fat Michael (Randy Sklar) and DJ Squirrely D (Jason Sklar) announce that Rickety Cricket has challenged to a dance challenge, but his new metal legs lock up immediately. At hour six, in the midst of a slow dance session, the gang tricks Frank into taking a knee, and then hatch a plan to switch partners and get inside people’s head. Dennis poses as a dance instructor to a dancer named Gloria (Aja Evans), getting her fiancee Robert (Jeff Meacham) upset by groping her. Dennis then sabotages Robert as he tries to teach him to dip and causes him to get kicked out of the competition. Gloria remains in the contest and keeps dancing with Dennis. When Mac dances with the waitress, Dee encourages Charlie to get even with him, so he encourages Mack to challenge Dennis to a dance-off which Mac loses. Mac is forced to carry a 25-pound keg around his neck for the duration of the dance. Rickety Cricket approaches Frank to team up to nail the others, so they make brownies filled with cough medicine to distribute. Frank also claims he has an ‘inside horse’ in the guise of Homeless Larry (Michael Auteri). At hour 35, Dee encourages the waitress to make Dennis jealous by dirty dancing with Homeless Larry, but only ends up making Charlie jealous. He gets Gloria to dirty dance with him, which makes Dennis jealous. Mac tries distribute the spiked brownies, but Rickety Cricket warns Dee not to since he is in love with her. When Charlie won’t let Dennis have Gloria back, Dennis causes the waitress to get kicked out of the contest. When Gloria realizes that Dennis only wanted to sleep with her and she rebuffs him, Dennis eliminates her as well. Charlie challenges Dennis to a dance-off, and ends up winning when he ballet dances to Take My Breath Away. Dee gives Charlie and everyone else a brownie that makes everyone Woozy, but Charlie lasts until the 48 hour mark. Dennis and Mac get in a fight with their kegs on and eliminate themselves. Charlie finally passes out, leaving only Dee and Homeless Larry. Rickety Cricket tries to knock out Larry, but accidentally shatters Dee’s kneecaps, leaving Larry with the bar, which reverts to Frank, who announces that Charlie is now ranked last as an employee. 2/18/20 

SEASON 4

• 033. Mac and Dennis: Manhunters – 9/18/2008
  • Frank gets mad when Dee and Charlie steal his deer meat, so he locks his refrigerator and plants one piece of meat for them to steal, cook, and eat… then tells them that it is human flesh. Meanwhile, Dennis and Mac think that deer hunting is too lame and admit they would prefer to hunt people. Frank is adamantly against it, recalling his own experiences after Vietnam which are strangely similar to Rambo’s. They entice Cricket to come to the bar to see Dee and then tell him that they are going to hunt him and teabag him. They let him go and the hunt begins. At one point they catch him in the street, but Cricket is surprisingly agile and escapes up a fire escape and onto a rooftop. They also cannot agree on whether to teabag him or give him a gorilla mask made out of a sticky substance and pubic hair. Charlie and Dee become obsessed with whether they ate human or not, so they go to a Chinese market and try every kind of meat to see if tastes the same… even getting some monkey from the butcher (Kaidy Kuna) They then believe they must eat human flesh a morgue to see if tastes the same. After they bribe the worker (Jonathan Spencer), the chicken out when they actually see the two dead bodies. They become so obsessed with finding human flesh that they bring a portly homeless guy (Michael Blaiklock) back to the apartment. Frank joins Cricket in order to teach the guys a lesson about hunting humans and sends them a message with a knife stuck into notes on their pillows. This isn’t as bad as what they’ve done to each other: Dennis giving Mac a tea bag with ink, and Mac giving Dennis a gorilla mask. Dennis and Mac visit Dee to see if she will help lure Cricket to them. However when they walk in, they find her and Charlie putting seasoning on the homeless guy. Frank and Cricket barge in to enact revenge on Dennis and Mac, and Frank also tells Dee and Charlie that he actually fed them raccoon meat. They suddenly have the urge to eat Frank, so they chase him out the door, leaving Cricket alone to face Dennis and Mac. 5/29/20 
• 034. The Gang Solves the Gas Crisis – 9/18/2008
  • When Mac and Dennis catch Charlie running Paddy’s on a gas-powered generator, they begin discussing their group roles with Mac as the brains, Dennis as the looks, and Charlie as the wild card. Mac’s first idea is to solve the gas crisis by buying $300,000 worth of gas and storing it at Paddy’s until the price goes up. Meanwhile Dee and Frank see in the newspaper that Bruce Mathis is getting ready to give away a large chunk of money to a Muslim Cultural Center. They want to find a way to get the money, and Dee admits that she had once planned to eliminate everyone to get the money. Frank has intel from waterboarding someone as to where Bruce lives, but they get it totally wrong and wind up stalking the wrong man (Zachary Knighton), bugging his house and crashing the van into his car. The bank agent (Eileen Fogarty) denies the guys’ request for the money, even after they all remove their shirts and offer to have sex with her. They then steal money from Dee’s sock drawer and buy $1000 worth of gas which they store in barrels. When the price goes up, they first attempt to return it to the gas station but the owner (Jay Harik) won’t take it back, then they attempt to sell it at a makeshift gas stand. As a promotion, Mac and Charlie blow fireballs with the gas, but Charlie burns Mac’s head and then covers him with a towel and duct tape so he looks like a Muslim. They then steal Frank’s van to transport the gas door to door, crashing it into ‘Bruce’s’ car again. Charlie as the wild card adopts a fake Southern accent and inadvertently sounds like a rapist when they try and sell the gas to a woman (Melora Harte) who calls the police. Frank thinks that it was a Muslim who stole his van, so he waterboards Dee to get information. Mac deduces that Frank as the muscle and Dee as the useless chick will round out their team and they can then succeed. Mac devises a new plan to have Frank waterboard Bruce and get information that they can then take to the police and get a reward, giving them capital to pay off their electric bill and buy more gasoline. Unfortunately Charlie has cut the van’s brake line since he is the wild car, and it explodes and causes the fake Bruce’s car to explode. 5/30/20
• 035. America’s Next Top Paddy’s Billboard Model Contest – 9/25/2008
  • After Frank criticizes the gang for misusing the company credit card, he announces that he has purchased a billboard to advertise the bar. He wants to put up two large-breasted women and himself, but the guys want to hold a contest to see who gets on the board. Dee is immediately disqualified, but she prefers to try and make herself an internet sensation using the video camera she bought with the credit card. Charlie assists her but wants to include his character Green Man in the videos as well, although she expressly forbids it. She attempts to perform her characters Crazy Patty, Martina Martinez, and Taiwan Tammy but Charlie keeps trying to interrupt by hitting her in the face with a ball and inserting himself as Green Man. While reviewing his videos, he stumbles on Dee’s video diaries and post them to the internet, inserting Green Man as well, and she does in fact become a sensation. However when trying to re-create the character, she fails to be natural. Frank takes over auditioning the men – including Dennis and the competitive Rex (T.J. Hoban) – for the billboard, putting them through various disgusting feats. Dennis eventually walks out of the competition when he gets irritated at Frank for trying to make him eat cockroaches. He joins Dee in one of her videos and gets kicked in the nuts by Green Man. Mac auditions the girls, but the main qualifier is that they will sleep with him. He winds up choosing two girls Dominique (Marlene Mc’Cohen) and Tabitha (Suzanne Quast0) who not only made love to him, but with each other, rejecting the girl Rachelle (Jennifer Birmingham) who showed him true love and respect. Frank then announces that he had already completed the billboard, which includes two big breasted women and himself. Nancy Stelmaszczyk is female model Anya. Steve Morrison and Preston Elliott are construction workers. Carter MacIntyre is a male model. Frank Harts is the man on the street who recognizes Dee. 9/12/20
• 036. Mac’s Banging the Waitress – 9/25/2008
  • Mac is filming himself doing various daredevil stunts called Project Badass, but he gets irritated when he sees Charlie smashing one of his video tapes of the stunts. Charlie meanwhile is upset because the thinks the waitress is sleeping with someone else, and looks to Mac, as his best friend, for help. Dennis is offended that Charlie doesn’t consider him his best friend, while Mac is the one banging the waitress because of Charlie smashing the tape. When Charlie comes over to stay with Mac, Dennis tries to lure him to his bedroom and to have Charlie share his 24-pack of beer with him. Charlie is unconvinced and ends up drinking the entire case himself. The waitress seems unenthused about sleeping with the waitress, but insists that if they’re going to do it, she wants to do it in Dennis’s bed. The real reason is that she wants to retrieve a sex tape that Dennis took with her. Dennis tries to convince Charlie that it is Mac sleeping with the waitress, and invites Charlie to share his bed in his drunken state. Dennis agrees to let Mac use his bedroom, planning to film it to show Charlie. However the waitress then wants to do it at Charlie and Frank’s place. This is also to retrieve the sex tape that Frank also took of her. Mac gives this information to Dennis, who then takes Charlie to stake out his own house by hiding in the pull-out bed. They are naturally caught, and the waitress admits she only wants the tape. Charlie says that he accidentally found it and smashed it up, which is what Mac saw him smashing. He apologizes for trying to get back at Charlie, and all three guys agree to be best friends. They join Mac to watch him film his next episode of Project Badass, in which he jumps off Paddy’s roof into some mattresses. 9/13/20
• 037. Mac & Charlie Die: Part 1 – 10/2/2008
  • Despite their best efforts to convince the warden (Geoff Pierson) at Luther’s parole hearing that Luther had threatened to eat them, Charlie and Mac fail because Luther has a tape of them threatening to lie to the parole board, and Luther is set free. They come up with a plan to fake their own suicides to throw Luther off the track from coming after them. Meanwhile Dee discovers a hole in the bathroom stall at the bar, and Dennis theorizes that it is a glory hole, leading him and Frank on a quest to have some kinky sex. Dee goes to Charlie and Mac to get them to fix the hole, but they snatch her keys and steal her car instead. Mac drives the car into a wall and suffers a head injury that causes him to stop thinking straight. Since the car doesn’t explode, they go to a pawn shop and buy a grenade, a gun, some poppers for Mac’s head injury, and a wedding dress that Mac becomes obsessed with from the owner (Donald Joseph Freeman). He wears the dress as they attempt to blow up the car by tossing the grenade into it, then firing the gun at the gas tank, but both do minimal damage. They begin camping on the roof of the bar and live the life of hobos. Dennis and Frank attend a low-key orgy that consists of mostly fat, elderly people wearing masks and enjoying a buffet of food. Dennis is unimpressed and heads back to the glory hole, followed by Frank. The design it so that there a peep hole so folks can see each other to ensure that they are the same sex. Dee returns with a videotape that she obtained from the police of Charlie and Mac declaring that they are commiting suicide. Elsewhere at a Comfort Inn, Luther writes a letter detailing how he wanted Mac to stay out of his life, and now he is forced to take some drastic measures. NOTE: This is the first of a two-part episode. Bill Puluti is the jail guard. 12/31/20
• 038. Mac & Charlie Die: Part 2 – 10/2/2008
  • Dennis, Dee, and Frank throw a funeral at the bar for Mac and Charlie that is only attended by each of their mothers, with Dennis giving the eulogy, which devolves into a defense of his duster that Mac always hated. Since Dee no longer has a car, she is forced to take a bus where she is vexed by a large man (Atticus Todd) who throws up in front of her, and bus driver (Georgia McGreggor) who insists she stands behind the line. She spots Charlie and Mac on the sidewalk fighting with each other over the last popper, now that Dee has cancelled the credit card they’ve been using. She waits for them in their tent and surprises them, but her tirade against them is cut short when they tell her that she isn’t safe with Mac’s dad on the loose. She agrees to fake her own death as well, and tells Dennis she is going to go jogging in the park after dark. Dennis looks for female roommates, but winds up with a slick European guy named Jan (Keir O’Donnell), who starts bringing hot scantily clad women over to the apartment. Frank on the other hand has made a mannequin to resemble Charlie and carries on as if Charlie is still there. Mac and Charlie spy all of these goings-on through their windows and out of air ducts. When Dennis and Jan fill the bar with hot women, Charlie and Mac decide to get even by haunting everyone. Their party is cut short when Jan tries to set up Frank to use the glory hole on Dennis, and he throws everyone out including Jan. Charlie and Mac make their appearance to scare them, but Dennis confesses that he’s known they’ve been alive since the beginning when they were talking at full volume in the ducts, and began spying through his window. Frank plays off having the Charlie mannequin, as if he knew they were alive as well. Frank the produces a letter from Luther that indicates he is moving to Tijuana to get away from Mac, and promises that he will not hurt him and still loves him. Charlie and Mac apologize for destroying Dee’s car. 12/31/20
• 039. Who Pooped the Bed? – 10/9/2008
  • Inspired by watching Sex and the City, Dee tries to engage the others into going out for a classy night on the town. Her plans are immediately waylaid when Frank and Charlie show up at the bar with the news that someone has pooped in their bed two nights in a row. Dennis and Mac are intrigued in solving the mystery. Dee bribes the waitress into going out by telling her she can have the notebook Charlie’s been keeping on her, and she reluctantly agrees. Meanwhile the guys take the poop to a scientist (Jason Duplissea), who refuses to analyze it. However, another student (Fran Kranz) agrees to take a look at it, and he finds pieces of newspaper, credit card, blood, and wolf hair, but then admits that he has no further resources to delve into it. Dee and the waitress meet up with Dee’s friend Artemis, and although the waitress says she has a drinking problem, Dee forces her to drink, and she winds up blitzed. Dennis and Mac stay the night with Frank and Charlie, hoping to solve the mystery, but they both fall asleep in bed with them, only to wake up and find another poop in the bed. Dee and the gals hit a shoe store, where Dee attempts to buy some $700 shoes. The saleswoman (Laurie Searle) tells Dee that her credit card is denied, so she tries to steal the shoes, but winds up falling outside and slamming her head into a car. The ladies all return to the bar, where they find Charlie and Frank taking poops on the floor to match up to the others. Artemis becomes involved in the poop case, and lays out her various theories that implicate all of them plus Rickety Cricket. Dee tries to go solo and attend an art show, but everything there either resembles or reminds her of poop. In the end, Frank admits that all of the poops were his, and that he did it because poop is funny. Will Beinbrink, Douglad Park, and Hollie Stenson are folks at the art show. Brady Matthews is the man at the nightclub. 4/25/21
• 040. Paddy’s Pub: The Worst Bar in Philadelphia – 10/16/2008
  • Newspaper columnist Lyle Korman (Fisher Stevens) writes an article proclaiming Paddy’s the worst bar in Philadelphia, while delivering insults to everyone in the gang. They go to his office to see him and demand a retraction, but Korman refuses and kicks them out. Later, Charlie shows up with Korman tied up inside his car trunk. No one wants any part of it, but they drag him inside and force him to write a retraction. Dennis and Dee go to Korman’s apartment to pack a bag for him and changes his message so it appears that he is out of town, but then realize that they are in Korman’s neighbor Mehar’s (Rizwan Manji) apartment, so they are forced to kidnap him as well. After they are able to get him out of the trunk without the keys, he tells them he needs to get home to give his cat an insulin injection. Mac goes to get the cat, but brings back Korman’s cat instead. Charlie and Mac struggle with how to allow Korman to use the bathroom since they are out of tape, so they help him go while leaving him taped to his chair, and handling his penis for him. Dennis and Dee later discover that the ‘retraction’ review that Korman is writing is merely the story of the kidnapping. They wind up bribing Mehar to not press charges by giving them their new flat screen TV. They make Korman sign a blank piece of paper, so they can fill out a promise that he won’t press charges. After the gang harmonizes the song It’s So Hard to Say Goodbye to Yesterday while sitting around the bar, Ernie hands them the newspaper, and they read the article by Korman, which doubles down on his scathing review of Paddy’s, telling the story of the kidnapping, and blasting each of them without mentioning their names. Upset that their names weren’t mentioned, they head back to Korman’s office to complain. 4/26/21
• 041. Dennis Reynolds: An Erotic Life – 10/23/2008
  • Charlie has been reading Dennis’s memoir Dennis Reynolds: An Erotic Life, leading Dennis to finally try and publish it. However Mac and Frank point out that a lot of it is made up, so they suggest that he try to make some of the stories in it come true, including going to rehab, finding stigmata on his hands, and giving Jon Bon Jovi advice. Meanwhile, when Dee criticizes Charlie for eating cheese out of the attic rat traps,  Charlie tells Dee she has no idea what it’s like walking in his shoes. She agrees to spend the night at his apartment where she encounters pee buckets, crying cats, a pre-sleep ritual of eating cat food, drinking a beer, and sniffing glue. When Dee encounters a seemingly haunted hallway, complete with Shining-like twins (Alexandra and Tegan Sceales-Smith), she resorts to the cat food ritual to help her fall asleep. She then insists that Charlie now walk in her shoes. Frank and Mac knock out Dennis with a drill, then use it to drill holes in his hands, and leave him unconscious outside a rehab center. When he wakes up in a bed, he finds that he’s a roommate of comedian Sinbad (himself) and Matchbox 20’s Rob Thomas (himself) who start bullying him. Dee takes Charlie to the comedy club where she performs every night, which gives her the dry heaves, and then forces him onstage. He too gets the dry heaves. Frank and Charlie get an appointment with a Philadelphia Soul representative (Lisa LoCicero), where Frank makes an offer to buy the team, and Charlie pretends he’s a cancer victim who wants Bon Jovi to perform for him. She sees right through their ruse and throws them out. The go to he movies and discuss this – at full volume – and then tell Dennis, who is trapped in rehab, that they’re going to scrap the whole idea of the book. They both get wigs, and then happen upon Dee and Charlie in a fountain, where Dee goes to make wishes, and Charlie goes to steal change. Dennis escapes and runs to the fountain as well, where he tells everyone about his experiences, and they think it will be perfect for the book. The return to the rehab center, but Dennis has been in a warehouse across the street, and the two guys (Jesse Caron) there say they have thrown him out multiple times, and that he’s been jabbering about Sinbad. Dennis decides he should see a doctor. Cantrell Harris is the orderly. Rob Khakh is the angry movie patron. Patrick Walsh is the comedy club MC. Roberto Raad is the comedian. 8/20/21
• 042. Sweet Dee Has a Heart Attack – 10/30/2008
  • One afternoon at the bar, Dee is chatting with the guys and has a heart attack. No one seems concern, but they take her to the hospital where she is quickly discharged by the doctor (Kathleen Mary Carthy) because she has no insurance. Frank, who is busy trying on gowns, says he cancelled the kids’ life insurance when they were nine years old. Charlie and Mac, who thought that insurance was free, become concerned that they have none, so they apply for a part time job at a sales corporation. Frank, on the other hand, loads up on medication since he has insurance, which causes him to lose touch with reality. Dennis and Dee decide they need get fit to avoid needing insurance, so they join a gym together. However, they feel they are too low-energy to get on the treadmill, so they go shopping for new outfits. Charlie and Mac apply as one person, and agree to get paid for one in order to get the insurance. The HR director (Michael Naughton) gives them jobs in the mail room. Dennis and Dee return to the gym for a spin class, but get in an argument with the instructor (Danso Gordon) because they don’t like the music he is playing. Charlie and Mac quickly start botching the job in the mailroom, and when Mac finds out that a supervisor is on vacation, he decides to spend the week in his office. They wind up getting fired for burning some of the mail. Frank is eventually brought to a sanitarium by a policeman (Roy Jackson), where he meets a Native American named Chief (Tim Sampson) and a card player named Martini (Gaetano Vincini aka Tom Vicini). Dennis and Dee feel their mind, body, and soul are in great shape, so they decide to give themselves Botox injections from a kit, but Dee accidentally gives him a collagen injection, which causes his eye to swell up. Charlie doesn’t tell Mac that they’ve been fired, so three days later, he is still at the office, going crazy with conspiracy theories about the mail and the people getting letters, even seeing an imaginary detective in the mailroom. Mac, who is having a panic attack, takes himself and Charlie to the hospital, where they run into Dee and Dennis. Frank encourages the Chief to smash the window at the sanitarium, and then escapes and runs off into the distance. Judi Barton is the nuthouse nurse. 8/20/21
• 043. The Gang Cracks the Liberty Bell – 11/6/2008
  • The guys visit a lady (Pat Crawford Brown) at the historical society to try and convince her to make Paddy’s a historical landmark, claiming that it had played a role in cracking the Liberty Bell. They tell the story with themselves playing the former owners of Patrick’s Pub. Dennis owns Deandra as a slave after helping to save her from being put to death for being a witch. His friend Macdonald has learned that men are drafting the Declaration of Independence, so decides to counter it by crated the Declaration of Dependence so they can suck up to the British, whom they are sure will win the war. Meanwhile Charlie and Frank are street thieves, and plan to rob a man (Dennis W. Hall) of his pumpkins, but the man winds up stealing all of Charlie’s pelts and leaving him with just one pumpkin. Dennis dresses up as a dandy, and Macdonald starts wearing wooden teeth. The use Deandra to carry an offering of ale to give to Colonel Cricket – aka Rickety Cricket. He rejects the guys but is interested in Deandra, who spits on him. Frank steals a bunch of guns, and asks Deandra to shoot the pumpkin off his head to test them, but none of them will fire. Dennis and Mac speak to some of the patriots to try and butter them up as well, but they want no part of them and their strange get-up either. Frank and Charlie go to see two Native Americans (Steven Flores, Marcos Akiaten) to see if they can lift the curse on the guns, but they attempt to scalp Frank. Cricket makes another play for Deandra, but she spits on him again… until she realizes that he might be able to et her up for a life of luxury. She decides to run off with him, but not to kiss him. The Patriots see Dennis and Mac both dressed as dandies and they tar and feather them. They also try to attack Cricket, but he gets shelter in Patrick’s. Frank accidentally blows his head off when he gets one of his guns to work. In order to hide the body, they put the pumpkin in place of his head and send him into the streets. Two guys carrying the Liberty Bell see this, and drop it, causing it to crack. Deandra flies off on her broom. At this point in the story, the lady from the Historical Society throws out the guys. Dave Gueriera is the thug. Matt Vinci is the patriot in the bar. 2/20/22
• 044. The Gang Gets Extreme: Home Makeover Edition – 11/13/2008
  • After Dee has gotten Frank’s mansion in her possession, she is sold on vision boards as the method to get whatever you want. Dennis, Mac, and Charlie believe this is as well so they start to create their own. Unfortunately Dee then drops the bomb that this has to be accompanied with good deeds as well. They decide to renovate the house of the lower income family, the Juarezes. The break into the house in the middle of the night and cover their heads with bags and put take them to another location. Because of the language barrier, Mr. (Alejandro Patino) and Mr. Juarez (Laura Patricia Vega) and their daughter (Gabriela Moreno) have no idea what is going on. The guys get to work even though they expected Frank to bring in the construction crew, mostly finding ways to destroy items from the Juarezes old life so they can better assimilate to America. They have Frank give them some magazines and a pair of scissors to make their own vision boards, but Mrs. Juarez stabs Frank in the leg. Dennis and Charlie go the hardware store and try to talk the clerk (Retta) to charge everything they buy to the makeover account. When she tells them there is no such thing, they bring in Mr. Juarez to sign up for a credit card so he can pay for their supplies. Dennis and Charlie get new shorts to wear to do the job, but Dennis’s are shorter so that he can spread his legs further. Another item they buy is a propane torch, which they plan to use to take down a wall in the house. They all put bags over the Juarez’s heads and take them to the house. Frank has a bus park in front of the house so they can reveal what it now looks like… a pile of rubble after Charlie and Dennis have burned it down. Dee is forced by the courts to give the Juarezes her new house. 2/20/22
• 045. The Nightman Cometh – 11/20/2008
  • Charlie comes into work one day and announces that he’s written a musical called The Nightman Cometh. Everyone wants to know why he did it, or what he has to gain, and although he can’t come up with an answer, they still want to be in it. Artemis assists with securing a place to perform it. Charlie assigns the roles: Mac is the boy who becomes the Dayman, Dennis is the Nightman, Frank is the troll, and Dee is the princess who lives in a coffee shop. Charlie plans to play the piano. Dee objects to the first song she has to perform because it sounds like she wants to molest a little boy. Charlie insists that she keep the song or else not sing at all. Frank rehearses practicing The Troll Toll, but he keeps making “this boy’s soul” sound like “this boy’s hole.” Once the boy pays the troll toll, Mac claims that the boy then rapes Dennis, while Charlie insists that he ‘become’ him. Mac is hellbent on demonstrating his martial arts during the show. Meanwhile, Charlie corners the waitress and begs her to come to the show, promising that he’ll never bother her again if she comes to see it… so she agrees. On the night of the show, Charlie brings in another elderly piano player named Gladys (Mae LaBorde), but won’t say why. Dee and Dennis perform the opening song about Dee wanting the boy. She then adds an additional portion of the song, indicating that she doesn’t want to molest the boy, is single, and is looking for a date in the area. Mac adds cat eyes into his character hoping to look cooler, but the audience keeps laughing at him. Mac adds in his martial arts move into the ‘rape’ scene. Charlie gets more and more angry about the things everyone is adding in. The waitress watches with her mouth wide open. In the play, the boy shoots the troll and becomes the Dayman. The Nightman enters, but Mac forgets his line. They fight on stage, and the Dayman steals the heart of the Nightman. They then perform the song The Night Man. As the play ends, Charlie descends from the ceiling and sings a song that asks the waitress to marry him. She declines, and Charlie says that since he never signed anything, he’ll see her tomorrow like normal. Everybody goes home. 6/28/22

SEASON 5

• 046. The Gang Exploits the Mortgage Crisis – 9/17/2009
  • While the guys are arguing over the legality of owning birds, Dee comes in with huge news: she is going to have a baby. They take no interest in her news, but when Frank comes in and tells them that he bought a house at a foreclosure auction. He wants to invest in flipping it when the market turns around. Dee plans to be a surrogate for a wealthy couple named Sean (Benjamin Koldyke) and Kate (Melanie Lynskey) who will pay her $20,000 for her to carry the baby. Dennis proposes that they somehow combine the house plan and the baby plan, but nobody is interested in the baby idea. Dee visits with the couple and tries to upsell them more babies. Meanwhile, Frank and the guys bust into the foreclosed house he purchased, only to find that the family, Gerry (Ray Porter), Claire (Jennifer Blanc-Biehn), Suzie (Brighid Fleming), and Henry (Caleb Guss) are still living there. Their attorney tells the guys that the family has 90 days to relocate. He is so smug that Charlie starts looking through old books for legal recourse and decides that he and the attorney should duel. Charlie challenges him to do so, and he quickly accepts… which instantly gives Charlie cold feet and he wants to back out of it. Dennis and Mac simply want to line up a buyer for when the family moves out, so they decide to pretend to be real estate agents who play good cop/bad cop with the customers. Dennis names himself Hugh Honey and Mac goes by Vic Vinegar… Honey and Vinegar. They bring in a couple named Tad (P.J. Byrne) and Fay (Anna Vocino) to see the house, and then Mac pulls out his ‘vinegar’ and begins screaming at them until they become so scared that Fay agrees to buy the house. Dee has been pushing Sean and Kate to allow her to swim in their pool as part of the deal. When Dennis and Mac show up posing as gay real estate agents who want to use her as a surrogate as well in order to jack up her price, followed by Charlie who wants a place to hide, and then Frank, who chops down their back gate for no apparent reason, they decide to call off the deal with Dee and throw everyone off their property. No one listens, and everyone winds up in their pool. 6/28/22
• 047. The Gang Hits the Road – 9/24/2009
  • Dennis, Mac, and Frank decide to go on an old school road trip to the Grand Canyon. Charlie has never left Philly in his life and is scared of what might be on the outside, so he plans to skip it. They don’t want Dee to go because they think she will take too many bathroom breaks, so they try to leave ultra-early. However, Dee has gotten up early to buy a car, so she shows up at the bar just as they are leaving. All five of them wind up hitting the road together. Charlie admits that not only has he never left Philly, but he’s never had a pear. They encounter a bicyclist in the road on the way out, and when he won’t move out of their way, Mac knocks him out with a beer bottle and Dennis runs over his bike. It causes a flat tire and gets tangled in the axle. They return to the bar, and while Dee is going to bathroom inside, the guys steal the car. She catches up with them and takes her car over and drives. They are all five crammed in the little car with the beer cooler, so Frank and Dennis move to the U-Haul. They stop at the Italian Market so Mac can buy Charlie a pear. They try to haggle with the vendor (Cha Cha Ciarcia), and Charlie eats the entire pear including the core and stem. Dennis and Frank buy some wicker chairs for the U-Haul, as well as a French press. Dee buys a Soul Asylum cassette and energy drink. Dennis and Charlie set up the chairs and a new grill in the U-Haul, but the grill slides out under the door. Dee decides she wants to join the other guys in drinking beer, so they pick up a hitchhiker (Shannon McKain) and make him do the driving. Dee gets drunk and sings to him and keeps touching him and leaning on him. Dennis and Charlie want to roast hot dogs, so they burn the wicker chairs and pass out in the U-Haul. Dee throws her jar of pee out the window and goes in the back window and covers Mac. The clean up the U-Haul and get a futon from a dumpster. Everyone rides in the U-Haul except for the hitchhiker and Charlie. When everyone in the U-Haul wakes up, they realize they aren’t moving. When they exit, they find they are in front of Paddy’s again. Charlie is inside at the bar, and tells them that he told the hitchhiker he is too scared to leave Philly. The hitchhiker took Charlie home, detached Dee’s car and stole it. 10/17/22
• 048. The Great Recession – 10/1/2009
  • When an RV plants itself in front of Paddy’s, the guys worry that the road in front of their bar will turn into shanty town now that the recession has hit. Inside Paddy’s, after losing all of his money in a Ponzi scheme, Frank has attempted to hang himself but his neck it too thick for it to kill him. Dennis, Mac, and Frank go out to eat at Dave & Busters as upper management to discuss how to streamline Paddy’s. Frank tells them that they have no business sense and tells them that his frequent bailouts for them are over. Dennis and Mac fire Frank, and then make Dee make a mojito in order to prove that she does anything around the bar but decides to quit the job when she can’t. Charlie tries to prove himself too by bringing out the rat traps and showing the guys how he turns the Coors sign on every day, which is actually the CLOSED sign. Dennis and Mac fire Dee and Charlie as well. They decide to follow Dave & Buster’s gift card model, by printing up some Paddy’s dollars, which will make them a ‘self-sustaining economy.’ Meanwhile, Frank and Dee go into business on their own by destroying Dee’s credit with a high-interest loan so they can buy an RV and start selling knives and wet vacs. Charlie goes to see his mother and asks if he can move in, but she has rented the room to his predatory Uncle Jack, who used to ‘wrestle’ him when he was a kid. Frank and Dee try to sell a housewife named Beth (Kristen O’Meara) some knives and then plan to drink some wine, spill it, and then upsell one of their wet vacs. When Frank cuts himself with the knife, he steals away to the bathroom and tries to hang himself again. Dennis and Mac pay the Paddy’s dollars printed up and then distribute them to the people who have filled their street with RVs. Their plan is to get them hooked on the alcohol so that they will return and buy more Paddy’s dollars so they can buy more beer. Frank take Dee to meet with his associate about another business opportunity…which turns out to be a guy living in a box by the river… and turns out to be Charlie. His plan is to put a crab trap in the river, in the middle of a sewage runoff, and then sell the crabs that they catch. As they’re making their plans, Frank gets a call that brings good news. Back at Paddy’s, the guys have brought all their Paddy’s dollars back in as customers used them to buy out their inventory of alcohol. It is only then that they realize the flaw of their plan, as all they have left is a stack of Paddy’s dollars that no one bought. Dennis says he blacked out the night he came up with the plan. Frank, Dee, and Charlie return to the bar announcing that he has received a bailout from the government, so he invites them all out for steaks and Skeeball. Sabrina Vittore is the waitress. 10/17/22
• 049. The Gang Gives Frank an Intervention – 10/8/2009
  • Frank has been drinking excessively, even filling soda cans with wine, in an effort to live life on the edge. The others especially notice this when he takes them to a ‘cookout’ which is actually the funeral of his late ex-wife Barbara’s sister Donna’s (Nora Dunn) husband Max. His entire reason for being there is to hit on her and see if he can sleep with her. Dennis and Dee tell Charlie about their cousin Gail ‘The Snail’ (Mary Lynn Rajskub) whom they used to throw salt on to make her get away from them. Mac becomes secretly attracted to Donna himself. Dennis, Dee, and Charlie go to see a counselor named Tabitha (Suzy Nakamura) to have her help them stage an intervention. Their ideas of attacking Frank and berate and crush him into submission, warning Tabitha that she should be armed at the intervention. When she criticizes them for their ideas, they all decide to stage the intervention without her. Dennis and Dee both beginning drinking wine out of a can as well, as they help Charlie compose a letter to Frank to read during the intervention. Frank and Mac go to Donna’s house, and Mac cooks breakfast for Donna and plans to push Frank off on Gail. Donna has no idea what is going on, or why Mac and Frank broke in through her now-shattered window. When Gail starts to give Frank a ‘handie’ under the table, and then declare Mac her boyfriend, Donna throws them all out. Charlie starts drinking wine out of the can as well. They all realize they can’t handle the intervention on their own, so they call Tabitha back. They tell Frank he needs to come to the bar because there is a grease fire. Frank comes in with his gun blazing, and they all tackle him and begin the intervention. He is excited because he thinks he is getting a roast. Mac shows up with Gail, and everyone then tries to give Mac an intervention. He admits that he only went to Donna’s house because she reminds him of Barbara, the best sex he ever had. This is the first that Frank hears that Mac slept with her. Gail tries to serve them all drinks, so they attack her with salt and throw her out. They all decide to calm down with some wine in a can. They all dismiss Tabitha and tell her they can’t pay her since she really didn’t do her job. 2/11/23
• 050. The Waitress Is Getting Married – 10/15/2009
  • Dee is still trying on wedding dresses, as she has every Saturday for the past year, and is called out by the shop clerk Lucy (Nasim Pedrad) for lying about actually getting married. While she is there, Dee runs into an old classmate she used to date named Brad Fisher (Nick Wechsler), whom she had broken up with because of his acne. She becomes attracted to him again, but he is actually there because he is getting married… to the waitress. Dee seems concerned that this will break Charlie’s heart, but she’s actually just upset that the waitress is getting married before her, and that she’ll have to do Charlie’s work if he kills himself. Mac and Dennis agree that Charlie might go off the deep end and kill them all. Charlie has been busy with boxing up a hornet’s nest but agrees to let Dennis and Mac open up a profile for him on Match.com. Charlie is completely unhelpful, so they decide to just make it up on their own. Dee stops Brad and waitress in traffic and inserts herself into throwing them a bachelorette party that Brad is invited to. She invites Mrs. Mac and Bonnie Kelly, and then Dee sets out to embarrass the waitress in front of Brad at every turn. Dennis and Mac get Charlie a date with an attractive attorney named Jackie (Joy Osmanski) and tell him to go with telling her that he is a philanthropist, which Charlie pronounces as a ‘full-on rapist’. It isn’t long before she becomes disgusted with Charlie and his friend, who pose as the manager and the owner, and storms off. Dennis gets so angry at Charlie that he tells him that the waitress is getting married. Dee discovers that the waitress used to date Brad in high school also and learns for the first time that she even went to their high school. After they leave, Brad returns and tells Dee that he loves her. As Frank is telling Dennis and Mac about his affair with Artemis that has gone sour, they are arming themselves in preparation of Charlie shooting up the joint. Frank assures them that Charlie is okay and is in fact delivering a congratulatory gift to Brad. Charlie is bringing him the box of hornets, when he learns from Brad that he is simply getting revenge on all of the girls who dumped him in high school by getting engaged and then dumping them. The waitress was the most recent, and now Dee will be the second conquest. When Charlie hears this, he gives him the hornets anyway. 2/11/23
• 051. The World Series Defense – 10/22/2009
  • Dennis comes before Judge M. Fishburn (Patricia Belcher) for over $1000 in unpaid parking tickets. Dennis brings the gang into court with him to corroborates his story and excuse for how the Phillies’ victory in the World Series caused him to get the tickets. He flashes back to the day of the World Series game they were set to attend. They had big plans to get drunk on grain alcohol, then Dennis and Mac were going to get into a fight in the stands to distract security so that Dee could run onto the field and kiss a player. Charlie also wants to dress as Greenman and share the field with the Philly ‘Phrenetic’ mascot. Frank is busy making sandwiches for the outing when he suddenly realizes that he has forgotten the tickets. He, Mac, and Dee head their apartment to get the tickets, but find the entire building under a curtain because they are bombing for bedbugs. Frank goes inside to get the tickets using a garden hose for his outside air, but winds up pulling the hose inside the building and passing out. Mac reveals that he wants Dee to kiss Chase Utley if she gets onto the field, so that she can pass him a childish fan letter that Mac wrote to him. After Mac attempts to scale the building, he and Dee decides to run in. They find Frank passed out, but not the tickets, and all of them breathe in more poison air and get sick. Dennis and Charlie have arrived at the game so they can get a place to park and tailgate, and when they get word that they haven’t found the ticket, Charlie pushes Dennis in front of a moving car in hopes of extorting tickets from the driver. Dennis gets injured, but since the driver saw that he was pushed, he won’t give them anything. Charlie then sees a Philly Phrenetic (John Ponzio) mascot and tries to ask if he can get him onto the field as Greeman. He and the mascot get into a fight, and two guys (Dennis Hogan, Dennis Hart) jump in and help beat up Charlie. They decide their best bet to sneak into the game is by finding the secret tunnel from the Olliday Inn where the opposing team often stays, to the stadium. They wind up following Charlie into a linen storage area and get locked inside. Charlie then finds an apparent tunnel, but when they climb in, they only find a slew of dead bodies. Or so they tell the judge because they think she is losing interested. Actually, they don’t find their way out of the linen closet for six days, and that is why the parking tickets amass. The judge tells them that not only is their story no excuse for the tickets, but they also admitted to many other crimes. She orders Dennis to pay the tickets in full. Charlie immediately tries to open up a counter suit against Major League Baseball before he is forced out of the courtroom. 7/26/23
• 052. The Gang Wrestles for the Troops – 10/29/2009
  • While the gang is watching an old wrestling match of Hulk Hogan vs. Nikolai Volkoff on the laptop, Dee gets an instant message from a soldier going by the name Soldier of Fortune who is coming home from the war in Iraq. Dee, who is going by the name Desert Rose, plans to meet him when he arrives home. The guys start talking about how they’d like to do something nice for the troops, so they decide to stage a wrestling match for their entertainment. They go to a wrestling match of the WDF – Wrestling Domination Federation – at a local hall that they rent out for their match, and they see the wrestler Da’ Maniac (Roddy Piper) destroy another wrestler (Don Frye). After the match, they ask Da’ Maniac how much he would charge to wrestle at their even and tells them $30. The guys, who used to pretend to wrestle under the name the Pigeon Boys as kids, decide to update their name to the Birds of War, and they write a song to go along with it. Meanwhile, Dee goes to meet the busy of Soldier of Fortune, whose name is actually Ben Smith (Travis Schuldt), and Frank comes along to gift him a pair of jean shorts. Dee is surprised to find that he is in a wheelchair, so she pretends that she is merely there on Desert Rose’s behalf. Although the guys wanted Frank to act as referee, he creates himself the character of the Trashman, who enters the ring with a garbage can and then starts eating trash. Dee gets Artemis to pose as Desert Rose, but then finds out that Ben is no longer in a wheelchair, having simply twisted his ankle deboarding a plane in Germany. The guys start to question whether Da’ Maniac is truly insane and have second thought about wrestling him. They hire Rickety Cricket to take their place, but then Da’ Maniac is arrested for unpaid parking tickets. They decide to wrestle Cricket, who is appearing as the ‘Talibum’. The audience is largely unimpressed with the Birds of War. Dee comes out to sing The Star Spangled Banner, but instead sings directly to Ben, declaring that she’s the real Desert Rose. The Talibum then hits her in the head with a chair. The Birds of War enter the ring and the Talibum throws sand in their faces. Frank then sheds his referee garb and enters the ring as the Trashman. He hits the Talibum with a trans can and slits his throat, which bleeds profusely. Frank then declares victory and the crows goes wild. 7/26/23
• 053. Paddy’s Pub: Home of the Original Kitten Mittens – 11/5/2009
  • Charlie comes up with a video ad for his invention of Kitten Mittens, which are designed to block out the sound of cats jumping around. He wants to sell them at Paddy’s, but Dennis and Mac think it is a dumb idea. Dee likes the idea and wants to get in on it and claims that merchandising off of Paddy’s was a clause in her contract when they hired her at the bar. To avoid any confrontation over this, Mac simply chews up and swallows the contract. Dennis thinks there is money to be made in merchandising the bar, but not with the kitten mittens. Charlie joins Dee to go see their attorney so that he can patent his idea and keep the others from stealing it. Charlie and Dee strategize on how they will deal with the attorney since he hates them, and they have to lock up his secretary (Elaine Loh) in a closet to get in to see him. The attorney won’t indulge their stupid questions and throws them out. Dennis develops Paddy’s thongs, and Mac creates an apron with genitalia drawn on it. Frank shows up and shows them his idea, a gun that shoots liquor into the mouth, using a busy woman named Brenda (Kristen DeLuca) to advertise it. They throw Frank out but decide to steal that idea. Charlie and Dee stake out the attorney at a motel, hoping to catch him having an affair. It turns out that they are hiding in the attorney’s car since it got cold. The attorney tells them that they’re not having an affair, and he admits that his wife is leaving him and has to stay in the motel. Dennis and Mac try to develop a rifle that shoots alcohol but can’t get it right. However, they decide to find a bustier girl than Brenda. Charlie and Dee try to pay back the attorney by bringing him a busty prostitute named Sandy (Heather Chadwell). Dennis and Mac up with a busty whore (Dahlia Dark), whom they hope to patent. Dennis offers to sleep with the lawyer’s wife so that she can’t wipe him out. Frank and Charlie also show up with Brenda. The attorney agrees to help all of them if they promise to never seek his legal advice again. He suggests that Dee get 50% of the merchandising money for Paddy’s and that she drops the suit, Mac agrees to it since he plans to eat the contract later. Frank pulls out his gun which fires an actual bullet in the office. The gang attends the Philadelphia Small Business Investment Conference to present the commercial they made for their squirt gun rifles, nude aprons, dirty pens, and eggs. The event manager (Jason Stuart) suggests a break when there is no response from the crowd. However, Charlie is successful in finding an investor for his kitten mittens. However, the attorney shows up and tells them that when they signed his contract, they signed away 100% of the profits of any of the merchandising opportunities from the bar or the kitten mittens. The contract also included a restraining order against them. Mac starts to eat it before the attorney tells them that he made hundreds of copies. NOTE: The episode is dedicated to David Zdunich, who played Ernie the barfly. 11/25/23
• 054. Mac and Dennis Break Up – 11/12/2009
  • Mac and Dennis stop by Dee’s house to borrow a popcorn bowl for their movie night of watching Predator once again. When they see that she now has a cat, they start making fun of her for being a crazy cat lady with no friends. She retaliates by telling them that they are co-dependent on each other, forcing them to admit that they are either always together or checking in with each other. Dennis takes this to heart and decides to get a different movie to watch, Transporter 2. Mac is jealous because Dennis has not responded to any of this calls or texts, instead chatting about films with the video store clerk. Mac has also filed a missing person report on Dennis, who finally tells Mac that they shouldn’t be together so often so that he can be more independent. Mac decides to move in with Charlie and Frank but is disgusted by their place and starts to clean it up. When Frank cuts his toe while cutting his toenails with a steak knife, Mac advises him to use his sock rather than garbage to stop the bleeding. Dennis goes back over to Dee’s place to watch the movie with her but finds that she is distressed because the cat has gotten into the wall. From there, he invites Charlie to come over to watch the movie as well. Charlie can’t stand all of Mac’s complaining and telling them what to do, so he accepts Dennis’s invitation to watch the movie. When he arrives, he has his own ideas about getting the cat from the wall, and he brings another cat over to send into the wall as well after smashing a hole in the wall. Dennis insists on Dee peeling his apple because Mac has always told them that they were toxic. Although Frank enjoys Mac’s cleaning and giving him advice, he starts to feel stifled when Mac wants to make other changes around the house, including clearing out a closet to make more room so that Frank and Charlie don’t have to share the sofa bed. When Frank comes over to help get the cat out of the wall, Dee decides she needs to get Dennis and Mac back together and to guy buy a bird to get the cats out of the walls. Dee tells both Dennis and Mac that she has them set up with a big-breasted woman. She sits them down to make up, but they just end up throwing water and food into each other’s faces. Eventually, they realize why they work so well together, since Dennis can always think of the words that Mac can’t. The manager (John Ponzio) insists that they pay the bill and leave, so Dennis covers for Mac. Dee goes and buys a bird and brings it home, only to find that Frank and Charlie had added more cats inside the wall and several standing by in the living room. She tells them that she’ll take it from there, and then drops the bird attached to a string into the wall. When the bird gets loose, the cats eat it. She decides to make the hole bigger and go inside herself. Frank gets a text that Mac and Dennis are back together and watching Predator. They decide to go join them to watch it, as Dee is crying for help because she is now stuck in the wall. Ara Anton is the police officer. 11/26/23 
• 055. The D.E.N.N.I.S. System – 11/19/2009
  • Dennis finds it amusing when his current girlfriend Caylee (Jill Latiano) chews him out and tells him she never want to see him again. He claims this is all part of his D.E.N.N.I.S. system, which contains the following steps: 1) Demonstrate value by showing a girl how much she needs him. 2) Engage physically by sleeping with her. 3) Nurturing Dependence by making her scared of an outside force so that you can be there to protect her. 4) Neglect emotionally by not returning her phone calls. 5) Inspire hope by pretending that you still care about her. 6) Separate entirely after sleeping with her again. Dee then challenges Dennis to see if he can get Caylee to come back to him. She also reveals that she has left her boyfriend Ben out in the sweltering car. Dennis shows up to see Caylee at work where she is a pharmacist with his phony prescriptions from a ‘Dr. Toboggan’ for his ‘grandmother’, but she denies him and accuses him of not even having a grandmother. Meanwhile, Mac is trailing behind him because he has a history of picking up Dennis’s scraps after completion. In turn, Frank says he comes after Mac in seducing her. Charlie decides to try to use the D.E.N.N.I.S. method on the waitress by breaking into her apartment and sabotaging her garbage disposal so she will need him to fix it. She catches him in the act and throws him out, but when Charlie questions the strange uniform she is wearing, she tells him that she got a job at the fair. Dennis mulls over everyone’s wants and needs and orchestrates a plan to get everyone want they want. He tells Charlie to win a prize at the fair in front of the waitress and then give it to the bustiest woman he can find. He tells Dee to lower Ben’s value by flirting with a carny, who will be Frank in disguise. Mac’s role is to invite Caylee to the fair, so that she can see him with his ‘grandmother’ who will be an old lady named Gladys (Mae LaBorde). However, Frank decides to change the plan, so he does not have to be third in line to get Dennis’s woman, and claims he is Dennis’s doctor Mantis Toboggan. He tells Dennis in front of Caylee that he tested positive for HIV, so that Caylee’s value will be lowered by thinking she may have the disease as well. When Dee makes a pass at a carny (Brad Carter) in front of Ben, the carny stabs her in the stomach with his key. The stabbing was meant for the waitress to make Charlie look like a hero. Ben decides Dee is too mean for him and offers to take Caylee home. Everyone leaves the fair, leaving Gladys stranded there. NOTE: Price Carson is credited as the carny boss but does not appear in the episode. 4/5/24
• 056. Mac and Charlie Write a Movie – 12/3/2009
  • As Mac and Charlie tells a boring story to Dennis about encountering a security guard in a stairwell, Dee arrives at the bar and announces that she will have a featured part in the new M. Night Shyamalan move being shot locally. Charlie and Mac decide to start writing a script and trying to get it into the director’s hands. Frank decides to be an agent who will represent the storytellers like Mac and Charlie. When Dee arrives and tries to get into the actors’ trailer, she is told by the assistant director (Lex Medlin) that she is merely an extra. Mac and Charlie brainstorm the script and decide that the movie will star Dolph Lungren and be about a cop who runs around like a dog and is able to smell crime before it happens. It will be called The Fifth Sense. Frank decides to change his client and make Dennis the producer who will make their movie. Dennis seems like he couldn’t care less and won’t get off his cell phone. They all show up at the movie set and meet in the extras tent. Dennis likes the story that the guys have fashioned, but thinks it needs a sexual aspect, so they write in a role for a female lab partner with home the cop can have full penetration sex. The guys go to the library to type up the script and they find an Indian man named Faisal (Kunal Sharma) to help punch up the script with a twist. They are hoping he can type the script, but it turns out that he can’t write at all… and he’s Pakastani. Back on the set, Dee finds that her character will be covered in blood and face down on the pavement for her scene. Dennis is cast to play her husband, but he won’t stop looking at his phone. During the first take, Dennis ruins the scene when he gets a phone call, and Dee yells out ‘Brains!’ when the camera pans past her. She thought the scene related to zombies, but it was really supposed to be a Serbian genocide. Frank tells the director to fire them, and then he offers to be an extra in the scene. Mac and Dennis show up with their polished script, which they’ve renamed Crime Stinks: The Smell of Penetration. Dennis says their script is terrible, but that he has been writing his own script this entire time and that is what he was doing on his phone. It is based on a story about two guys in a stairwell who meet a security guard. Unfortunately, Frank has been eating sausages out of his breast pocket and the grease has caused Dennis’s phone to freeze up. 4/5/24
• 057. The Gang Reignites the Rivalry – 12/10/2009
  • As Frank is showing off his new skintight pants at the bar, Dee comes in and shows off her Flipadelphia t-shirt, indicating the latest local contest for Flip Cup. Ten years earlier, they had had a major rival in the nearby bar down the street, Molly’s, until they were edged out for poisoning their competition. They decide to enter the contest again and reignite the rivalry by going into Molly’s and disrupting the customers and peeing on their floor. Their owner Art Sloan (Noah Bean) can barely remember the contest and finds it childish, threatening to call the police if they don’t leave. The guys don’t trust Dee to be on their team since she used to fold under the pressure in years past. Dennis proposes that he goes to his old alumni fraternity Delta Omega Lamda fraternity at Penn State. However, when he arrives at their frat house, he finds that they have defaced his photo and show no respect for him. Additionally, Frank is also there trying to recruit a member for the team by showing his skill, or lack thereof, with the hula hoop. The frat punks, led by Bezzy (Marshall Allman) and Cheesefoot (Cody Kasch), wind up tasking both Dennis and Frank, after Frank snorts some of their Ritarall. Dennis returns to the bar, furious about his experience, so Charlie and Mac head over to try and one-up them by using a plot device from Good Will Hunting of outsmarting them. When they arrive during a major frat party, they meet two college girls named Stephanie (Audra Griffis) and Gwen (Eve Mauro), who offer to paint their bodies in neon, be painted in return, and then shower together with them. Meanwhile, Dennis and Frank visit the home of Art Sloan while he is out and vandalize his place by tying knots in his shirts, nail gunning his shoes to the floor, running water all over the bathroom, flushing clothes down the toilet, and doing Art’s taxes incorrectly. Dennis takes some of the Ritarall that Frank took, leading to his to his peak of creativity and spelling out “PADDY’S HAVE RESPECT IDIOTS. I AM LEGEND” in fire in Art’s yard. Over at the frat party, just as Charlie and Mac are about to paing the girls, Bezzy and Cheesefoot threaten to tase them and then throw them out. As the guys convene at the bar, they suddenly realize they don’t care about their rivalry with Molly’s, but now see the frat guys as their rivals. Having practiced and perfect flipping over ten cups in a row, Dee is allowed back on the Flip Cup team, and they all head over to the fraternity to challenge the guys to a game of Flip Cup. If the frat guys win, they get free beer at the bar for life, and if they lose, they have to let Dennis and the guys visit the fraternity whenever they want. Dee is first to drink her beer and attempt to flip the cup. She chokes completely and cannot flip the cup, losing to the frat guys before she ever gets it flipped once. As the frat guys gloat, Dennis, Mac, and Charley reveal that they’ve poisoned the beer, making both Dee and the frat guys all sick to their stomachs. As Dee nurses her illness with soup and the guys try to remove Frank’s pants, Art Sloan visits the bar and tells the guys that they finally made him care about defeating them at Flipadelphia, only to find that that Paddy’s never showed up. The guys find Art very rude for slamming the door when he leaves. 8/22/24

SEASON 6

• 058. Mac Fights Gay Marriage – 9/6/2010
  • While trying to go to the gym using Dennis’s membership, a trick that the gym manager (Adam Harrington) is not buying, Mac runs into Carmen, whose sex change operation is now totally complete. As Mac tries to renew his relationship with her, he meets her husband Nick (Windell Middlebrooks). Mac tries to frame it as a gay marriage and tries to sell is position that it is against the words of the Bible to his friends. Meanwhile, this makes Dennis think about the fact that he had always thought he’d be married by now, and he begins to pine for his high school sweetheart Maureen Ponderosa (Catherine Reitman), who had a dead tooth in school. Dee always had a crush on her brother Bill (Lance Barber), but he made her so nervous that she would always gag around him. When Charlie throws out his back moving a box of Frank’s pennies, he starts to think that things might be easier for him and Frank if they were to be declared legal domestic partners. He assures Frank that if he ever got sick that he wouldn’t pull the plug on him like Dennis or Dee would. Dee and Dennis arrange a meeting with Maureen and Bill at a Subway, but when Dee finds out that Bill is now fat and married with kids, she ends their date abruptly. The spark reignites between Dennis and Maureen, so they head to the courthouse and get married immediately. There they run into Frank and Charlie who are gathering paperwork for their domestic partnership. Mac takes the Bible to the gym to warn Nick and Carmen that they could go to hell for their marriage, but Carmen says that it was actually Mac who slept with her before the sex change operation, so it is actually him who performed the gay act. Dennis tells Mac that since he is married, Mac will have to move out of his apartment immediately. Charlie takes Frank to see Carmen at the gym because Frank wants to know which of them would be the woman if they became domestic partners. Carmen assures them that neither would be the woman since they are both men, so Frank’s fears are assuaged. Mac goes to see Dee and ask if he can move in with her, but Dee cannot stop gagging… which causes Mac to uncontrollably gag as well. Mac then realizes that she is gagging because she has been sleeping with Bill, who is still in the bedroom. Maureen wants to spend the evening watching movies with Dennis on their wedding night, but he tries to get out of the apartment because he can concentrate on nothing but her sparkly cat sweatshirt and her dead tooth, clearly regretting his choice to marry her. 8/24/24

This entry was posted on Tuesday, February 15th, 2000 at 2:16 am and is filed under Television. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.