The Terrible Catsafterme

SEASON 1 – TV Land

Created by Mark Reisman

Theme music by Gabriel Mann

• 001. Pilot – 11/30/2011
  • New York City divorce attorney Holly Franklin (Kristen Johnston) has rented an apartment she owns right across the hall from her current apartment to two of her former divorced clients, womanizing sports agent Phil Chase (Donald Faison) and lazy online seller Haskell Lutz (Wayne Knight), and now offers the third bedroom in the apartment to recent divorcee, dentist Stuart Gardner (David Alan Basche). Although Stuart tries to fit in, his overly friendly nature grates on Phil’s nerves, especially when Stuart lets in his stalker Sandy (Edi Patterson), until he finally confronts Stuart and pushes him to move out. However, when Phil runs into his friend Bree Miller (Golden Brooks) whom he’d like to date, he realizes he will need Stuart because Bree has a friend named Jill (Beth Lacke) with her and Bree will only go out if Phil gets her a date as well. Stuart and Alicia try their best, but since both of them are recent divorcees, they end up just crying together. Stuart runs out on the date to go talk to his ex-wife Lorna. Phil knows that Lorna is now dating someone else, so he reluctantly ends his date with Bree to go stop Stuart. He is too late before he sees his ex kissing another man, but it touches Stuart that his new friends tried to rescue him and spare his feelings. Stuart knows that he’s really moving on when he refers to Lorna as his ‘ex-wife.’ Kelly Stables is Holly’s short assistant Eden. Rebecca Larsen is Alicia. 1/15/16

• 002. A Little Romance – 12/7/2011
  • Phil is anxious to sign famous jockey Robbie Gordon (James Madio), and looking for an edge, he tries to set her up with Eden since both she and Robbie are extremely short. However Robbie turns out to be more interested in Holly and after a few awkward moments with her being so much taller than him, Holly really starts to fall for him. Phil then finds out that Robbie and some of his fellow jockey friends are having a contest to see who can sleep with the tallest woman. Phil tries to put a stop to it, but Robbie tells him to butt out. All of this is overheard by Holly who sends Robbie home naked and embarrassed. Meanwhile Stuart receives the clock collection from his marriage, which represent their many trips together. Haskell helps Stuart auction the clocks online, but Stuart ends up bidding on all of them as user “Edna”, winning them, and filling his room with them. 1/15/16
• 003. Working Girl – 12/14/2011
  • Holly tries to Stuart get back into the dating game and sets him with a girl named Katy (Paul Marshall) whom they meet in the bar. Katy agrees to go on a date with Stuart, and he ends up falling hard for her… but then become extremely over-zealous in contacting her. Holly talks to Katy about giving Stuart a second chance, only to find out that she is actually a prostitute. Holly pays Katy to go out with him again and let him down easy. Holly gets concerned when Katy goes out with him a third time… and even more so when Stuart proposes to her. Holly and Phil try to stop him, but Stuart has already given her the diamond. However Stuart tells them that Katy had admitted to being a hooker and the relationship is off, but he gave her the diamond to commemorate their time together. Stuart is happy to have friends to look out for him. Meanwhile Haskell pretends he is on a cruise and having the time of his life without leaving the apartment, all of the purpose of posting photos on Facebook to make his ex-wife Margot jealous. It works all too well and she ends up seeing more alimony. 1/30/16
• 004. Lutz and the Real Girl – 12/21/2011
  • Haskell has been dating a girl named Rebecca (Melanie Paxson) from Seattle, but they have only met online. When she come to town, Haskell admits that he used Phil’s photo instead of his own and asks Phil to take her on a date. Although Rebecca senses something different about him, she still returns to their apartment after their first date and throws herself at Phil. When Haskell becomes jealous and reveals his true self, Rebecca storms out. Haskell follows her to the bar and apologizes, but she says they can no longer date because of his dishonesty. Meanwhile Holly has Stuart help her throw a homeless man named Bob (Victor Webster) out of the laundry room, but Stuart has compassion on him and lets him use Holly’s shower. Holly is appalled… until she sees him cleanly shaven and all cleaned up at which point she becomes instantly attracted to him. Bob asks her out, but Holly still has trouble getting past the fact that he is homeless. Eden talks her into going for it, but by the time she meets up with him twenty minutes later, he has already met another woman. 1/31/16
• 005. An Inconvenient Tooth – 12/28/2011
  • Phil has a terrible toothache, but is afraid to tell Stuart since he knows Stuart will insist on fixing it. When Stuart makes a dinner to celebrate his four-month anniversary of moving in, Haskell is forced to spill the beans about his tooth when Phil cannot eat. Stuart gets him into the dentist office where he hits it off and sleeps with Stuart’s dental assistant Deanna (Kali Rocha). Although Deanna acts apathetic about the affair, she begins to become perturbed when Phil doesn’t call her, eventually quitting because seeing Stuart reminds her of Phil. Stuart convinces Phil to pretend that he is gay to make Deanna feel better, and Phil reluctantly agrees… only to also pretend that Phil is his lover, which ultimately does get Deanna back to the office. Meanwhile Eden borrows several of Holly’s outfits to go out and party with, until Holly starts to get upset that her clothes have a better social life than her. Holly ends up going out with Eden, having to sneak in when the bouncer (Kevin Daniels) won’t let her enter, and having a miserable time… yet is proud that she stayed out until 10pm. Haskell becomes addicted to making napkin animals, only to eventually kick the habit by making a house out of drinking straws. 4/17/16
• 006. A Very Wrong Engagement – 1/4/2012
  • Holly’s mother Marjorie (Judith Light) is coming for an overnight when her flight gets diverted to New York, and Holly is panicked because she never told her that she and her fiancée Brad broke up eight months earlier. Since Marjorie is under the assumptions that she still lives in the guys’ apartment, she asks them to swap apartments with her for the night. The do it, but soon find all of the inconveniences of Holly’s place including no premium channels, no snacks, and only one bed… which is shared between Phil and Haskell. Holly tries to get her mother drunk to tell her mother about the break-up, but can’t find a good time when Marjorie doesn’t want to drink and insists on taking Holly wedding dress shopping. Holly has to continually disappoint the guys who are anxious to get back in their apartment, when she can’t bring herself to tell her mother, but eventually Marjorie overhears Holly talking to Stuart about it. Much to Holly’s surprise, her mother blames herself for being unapproachable, and Holly admits that her mother always compares her to Holly’s sister Jill. Despite her mother’s concerns about Holly being alone, Holly assures her that she’s just fine having the three guys in her life. Laura McLauchlin is Colleen. 4/17/16
• 007. Lost in Translation – 1/11/2012
  • Stuart, Phil, and Holly go out to the bar to look for dates, while Haskell stays home and tends to the coffin he purchased and cleans up for re-sale. Phil meets a beautiful Serbian model named Tatiana (Ana Alexander), but since only Stuart speaks her language, Phil must use him as a translator. Stuart quickly starts to fall for Tatiana himself, and when Phil jokes that he would be no competition, they both start to compete for her. In the end she wants both of them, and they agree to a threesome… but immediately flee when she suggests they kiss each other. Holly meets Jason (Robert Mailhouse), a new tenant in the building, but she ends up choking on popcorn, then later appears at her worst after coming in from out of the rain. Eden arranges for Holly’s mail to get into Jason’s mailbox, so that he can return it. He finally agrees to start over with her so that she can prove that she is not the building weirdo… only to find Haskell rise up from out of the casket in her apartment. Annie Korzen is Mrs. Snyder. Kim Poirier is Tracey. 7/31/16
• 008. My Dinner with Phil – 1/18/2012
  • Phil accompanies Stuart to Renauro’s restaurant, his favorite eatery where he has lots of memories with his ex, on their last night open. Phil runs into his ex-wife Kerry (Janina Gavankar) there, and he confronts her in a rage when he notices her ordering expensive food while he struggles to pay her alimony. She follows him home and demands an apology, and they nearly end up sleeping together… until he finds out that she is getting married the next day to radio star Dr. Ted Edwards (Mirron E. Willis). Initially distraught, Phil becomes ecstatic when he realizes that this will end his alimony payments. Meanwhile Holly becomes attracted to her colleague Paul (Diedrich Bader), and Eden convinces her to try and make a move by having over to her apartment to work. Just when she thinks he is getting romantic, she finds he is actually having a heart attack. Phil spots Ted in the bar and tries to thank him, only to find him kissing another woman. Stuart and Haskell convince Phil that he will have to tell her for his own conscience’s sake. At first she doesn’t believe him, but after realizing how much it would have benefited him if she got married, she heads out to break it off with Ted, indebted to Phil. In order to make up Stuart’s missed dinner, Phil gets them to re-open Renauro’s for one last dinner. Haskell opens the Lutz Traffic Academy whereby he takes driving tests online for those who are nearly blind. Todd Robert Anderson is the man in the elevator. Christopher Darga is Salvatore. 7/31/16
• 009. When Holly Broke Kevin – 1/25/2012
  • Phil brings home his new client, New York Knicks player Kevin Tyler (Amar’e Stoudemire). Haskell gets a tip from him that his team will win the basketball game that night, so he uses the opportunity to place a bet. Since he only wins $45 since he has very little money to bet, he talks Stuart into front him more money for the next bet. Meanwhile Kevin strikes up a relationship with Holly and gives her ‘girlfriend seats’ for the game. She sleeps with him, causing him to play poorly in the next game. Stuart loses his money, and Phil makes Holly promise not to sleep with him for the rest of the season. She tries, but can’t resist and they go to bed again, but this time he throws his back out in the throes of passion. Haskell thinks they have a sure thing again to bet against the Knicks since Kevin is out of the game and gets Stuart to loan him money to bet again. The team doctors end up getting Kevin back up to speed and he is able to play the game that night, causing Haskell and Stuart to panic. Phil apologizes for asking what he did of Holly, but she is disappointed to see one of his paramedics (Vanessa Millon) in the ‘girlfriend seat’ on TV. 10/8/16
• 010. The Ex Always Rings Twice – 2/1/2012
  • Holly finds out that her ex-fiancee Brad Lewis (Ken Marino) is going to be at an annual lawyer’s gala that she is attending, so she decides she needs to show up with a man that will make Brad think he lost the best thing that ever happened to him. Since Phil has a date with a woman named Michelle (Mieko Hillman) who he’s been trying to score with, Holly takes Stuart. When Stuart runs into an old neighbor named Jeff (John Ross Bowie) and finds out that his ex-wife Lorna has gotten engaged, Stuart starts drinking and gets hammered. Holly leaves messages for both Phil and Stuart to take his place, and they both show up. When Holly sees Brad, she introduces Phil as her boyfriend, but Michelle shows up and publicly screams at him. Stuart introduces himself as Holly’s date while drunk, and Haskell is nabbed by a security guard (Brian Turk) for looting the gift bags. Holly admits it is all a facade, and Brad admits that he did in fact make a huge mistake in leaving her, and also tells her that his beautiful date Julie is actual his lawyer niece. He talks her into giving their relationship another chance, even as Phil, Stuart, and Haskell try to stop her. It turns out that Brad is merely trying to get a job at Holly’s firm and needs a place to stay. Holly recognizes who her real friends are. Stuart finds out that Jeff made a mistake and it was a different neighbor named Laura who got engaged. 10/8/16

SEASON 2

Theme song: “The Exes Theme” written by Jeff Cohen, Jill M.R. Gale, and Mike Shimshack. Performed by Chrys Ryan.

• 011. Analyze Them – 6/20/2012
  • With the constant bickering between Stuart, Haskell, and Phil, Holly recommends that they see family therapist Dr. Carol Thomas (Kathleen Rose Perkins) who lives in the building. When they reluctantly go, Dr. Carol starts to feel that Holly is too involved in their lives. The therapy seems to work for the guys, but Holly is furious when she finds out that she has been labeled as their ‘core problem.’ When she goes to confront Carol, she ends up hiding in the closet and gets caught by all. Holly starts to realize that she might in fact be interfering with their lives, and heads to apologize to them, but then catches Carol hiding in the closet after sleeping with Phil. Holly throws out Dr. Carol, but they all acknowledge that they’re all co-dependent… but are happy that they behave like family. Hayley Marie Norman is Amy. 1/3/17
• 012. What Women Want – 6/27/2012
  • Stuart is feeling low about not having guts to ask out any dates since his divorce, but he has some minor luck when a woman named Susan (Jolie Jenkins) allows him to friend her on Facebook. Meanwhile Holly walks in on Stuart after a shower and sees him naked and is quite impressed with his anatomy. Word quickly spreads from her to Eden and the other guys. Eden can’t stop thinking about him, the guys get him into a sauna so they can see for themselves, and Holly can’t concentrate on the cooking lessons Stuart is giving her. When he finally gets a date with Susan, Holly feels she must let her know about Stuart’s anatomy so that she doesn’t get bored with him. She nearly costs him the date, but Stuart tracks her down, apologizes, and takes her out… which finally leads to sex. 1/3/17
• 013. Cool Hand Lutz – 7/4/2012
  • Phil meets up with his old friends Chris (Kent Faulcon) and Walter (Brooklyn McLinn), and Stuart pops in on them at the bar and proceeds to monopolize the conversation. Meanwhile Holly agrees to go on a date with Haskell so he can get his dating groove back. Although woefully out of touch with etiquette, they end up having a good time, but Holly is taken aback when Haskell gives her a kiss on the lips at the end of the night. She wants to make it clear they’re only friends, but gets talked into a second date after he gives her a foot massage that results in a ‘foot-gasm’. Although Phil makes it clear that Stuart was out of his element with his black friends, Phil takes it upon himself to go hang out with Chris and Walter at the bar… not realizing that he was actually hanging out with two different black guys (Marcuis Harris, Jarrod Crawford). Phil forgives him and tells him that they all found him humorous. When Holly tries to dump Haskell again, he finds out about the ‘foot-gasm’ and dumps her first, telling her that the kiss was just meant to be friendly. Kurt Long is the waiter. 4/13/17
• 014. Baby Mama – 7/11/2012
  • Stuart’s dog Chopin comes for a visit and he reluctantly puts Haskell in charge of babysitting him while he is gone. Phil then pays Haskell to let him take the dog for a walk so he can meet a woman in the dog park. He ends up sleeping with a lady named Bianca (Renee Morrison) and accidentally switching Chopin for her dog Phil. When Haskell and Phil realize it, they paint his ear brown to match Chopin’s. Stuart doesn’t realize the switch, but becomes upset when Chopin won’t connect with him. Phil posts signs all over town, and Bianca eventually brings Chopin back and gives him to Stuart before Phil realizes it. For revenge, Stuart doesn’t tell Phil and lets him continue looking. Meanwhile Holly suspects that Eden is having an affair with their boss Mr. Hubner (James Morrison). When she confronts her about it, Eden finally admits that she is actually having Hubner’s baby. Holly berates Hubner the next time she sees him and then is dumbfounded to find out that his wife (Erin Matthews) knows about it. Holly then learns that Eden is acting a surrogate for the Hubners. Although embarrassed at her mistake, Holly vows to be with through the pregnancy. 4/14/17
• 015. Lethal Weapons – 7/18/2012
  • Phil takes Stuart and Haskell to Gentleman’s Club as his posse so he can court mixed martial artist Tommy Dunbar (Craig Gellis) to be his next client. While there Stuart gets accidentally kicked in the head by the stripper and has to be under constant watch. Meanwhile Eden gets a push-up bra and gives one to Holly, who wears it out and quickly meets an eligible and intelligent bachelor named Edward (Dean Cudworth). She becomes concerned that he is only interested in her because of the bra, so she tosses it out the window. She then sends Haskell to retrieve it when she gets cold feet, but by then the underwire has made her chest seem crooked. When she explains it to Edward, he is understanding, but then reveals that he is wearing lifts and and toupee. While Haskell searches for the bra, Phil is forced to take Stuart with him once he gets an appointment with Tommy. Stuart turns him off immediately with his typical business talk, but when he thinks that Stuart-in-a-helmet is mentally challenged, he takes a liking to Phil and agrees to be his client. Keith Valcourt is one of Holly’s other suitors. 12/10/17
• 016. Shall We Dance? – 7/25/2012
  • Phil works on ducking former dates like Karen (Ava Gaudet), and then after a night with a new date named Kendra (Garcelle Beauvais), he uses some of his lines to rid himself of her… only to find that Kendra has moved into the same apartment. Although he tries to avoid her, when he runs into her in the elevator, he finds her to be completely understanding about not wanting a commitment. Now attracted to her, Phil tries to snag another date with her, only to find that she is using the same lines that he normally does to avoid him. Meanwhile Stuart runs into his old neighbor Jerry (David Burke), who tells him that everyone in his old neighborhood thinks he is miserable. Stuart decides to go to their annual club dance and to compete with his ex-wife Lorna (Janet Varney). Holly offers herself to be Stuart’s partner and he gleefully accepts… but quickly realizes that Holly’s dancing is beyond terrible. He tries to dump her, but when he realizes how important it is to her, he decides to take her to the dance even if it humiliates him. Lorna and her partner Don (Maksim Chmerkovskiy) dance divinely, but Stuart then finds out that Don has been paid to be her partner. Holly injures herself before she can dance, so Haskell steps in and they dance together and win the contest. Phil finally forces Kendra to admit that she’s not really into him, but it breaks his heart when she does. 12/10/17
• 017. Three Men and a Maybe – 8/12/2012
  • Joan’s gratitude about Eden carrying her baby leads Holly to start paying attention to her biological clock. She decides she wants a baby stat, so the guys each try to find a sperm donor for her, but Haskell’s guy is ran down by a Wienermobiel, Phil’s choice Warren (Shad Gaspard) turns out to be more interested in managing his muscles and avoiding the side effect mood swings, and Stuart scares off his old friend Brett (Currie Graham) when he thinks Stuart wants the sperm for himself. Holly and Eden visit a sperm bank, but Holly can’t get the receptionist Mildred (Tara Karsian) to show her the pictures of the donors. When she approaches an attractive donor (Josh Heine), she gets thrown out. Phil and Stuart each propose that they be the donors, while Haskell maintains a less subtle approach by dressing in Holly’s kimono. Each men has their selling points, but when Holly sees how happy Jonathan and Joan are with becoming parents, she decides to hold out for love… while expressing her gratitude to the guys for caring about her. 8/11/18
• 018. How Holly Got Her Groove Back – 8/8/2012
  • Holly’s co-worker Paul Thompson (Diedrich Bader), on whom Holly has a huge crush but never got to find out if the feeling was mutual when he suffered a heart attack, returns to work after spending time in Hawaii. He continually sends mixed messages to her, so she invites him over to work at her apartment. Eventually after more mixed signals, they end up sleeping together… but when he tells Holly he loves her right away she gets freaked out. After they talk about it, Paul completely retracts the statement and tells her that he absolutely does not love her. After laying her cards on the table, she finds out that he does in fact have strong feelings for her, but had been afraid to express his feelings in case she didn’t like him. Meanwhile Stuart hires a housekeeper named Amelia (Paula Jai Parker) to clean up around the apartment, but when she and Haskell sleep together, she gets absolutely no work done. Stuart plants a nanny cam in the apartment, and finds out quickly what is going on. He and Phil both refuse to pay for the housekeeper, and Haskell is too cheap to pay himself. Jennifer Slimko is Sandra. 8/11/18
• 019. The Party – 8/15/2012
  • With Holly’s relationship with Paul heating up, the guys are worried that there may be something wrong with him since Holly notoriously picks the wrong guys. Phil tries to give him his evil eye, Stuart tries to find out about his relationship with his mother, and Haskell attempts to collect fingerprints and a hair… all of which eventually irritate Paul and get Holly angry at them. The guys apologize to both Holly and Paul, and end up getting an invite through Paul to an exclusive party being thrown by Robert DeNiro, which will be attended by numerous models and famous chef Michael Voltaggio (himself). When Paul forgets to leave them their passes to the party, Stuart drops by his house to get them, only to find Paul’s wife Cindy (Alysia Reiner) there. With the party being as tempting as it is for Phil, who wants to make time with the models, Haskell, who wants to pitch DeNiro his script, and Stuart, who is obsessed with Voltaggio, they decide to put off telling Holly until after the party. However when she makes such a big deal about being grateful that they are looking out for her, they tell Holly about Paul’s wife at the party… prompting her to storm out. Paul tries to explain that they are divorced and only living together because whoever leaves the property will forfeit the condo. It is actually the guys who tell Holly that Paul seems to be a great guy caught in an unfortunate circumstance. Holly agrees to take him back if he promises to always be honest with her. Sal Stowers is the supermodel who Phil amuses. 3/25/19
• 020. Sister Act – 8/22/2012
  • Always feeling inferior to her sister Jill (Amanda Detmer) who seems to have a perfect job, husband, and relationship with their mother Marjorie, Holly dreads Jill’s visit, especially when she finds out that Paul will be out of town and she will be unable to show him off. With Eden staying with Holly during her pregnancy, Jill mistakes her for being Holly’s lover, and pours the admiration onto Holly for being so open and free with her feelings. Holly eats up the praise, and keeps the ruse going, which goes so far as to prompt Jill to admit that her relationship is terrible and that she wants a divorce. When their mother Marjorie shows up however, Jill refuses to admit this to her, and the focus turns back to Holly. Eventually Jill comes around and admits the truth to her mother, while Holly convinces both of them that she is not gay and in fact has a terrific boyfriend. Meanwhile Stuart gets some marijuana and cooks it into their pasta so that he and the guys can get stoned. The wind up at the lesbian bar with Holly and Jill, and while Phil is flabbergasted that no one seems interested in him, Haskell scores with several ladies… because they believe he is a woman. Phil eventually gets his confidence back when Holly’s mother Marjorie hits on him. Haskell continues the ruse by seeing one of the ladies outside the bar and pretending to be a woman. Celeste Thorson is Stacey. Dot-Marie Jones, Tia Robinson, and Amrapali Ambegaokar are ladies at the bar. 3/25/19
• 021. He’s Gotta Have It – 8/29/2012
  • Phil has gotten a big endorsement deal for his longtime friend and client famous tennis player Chuck Feeney (Zach Braff). Stuart is a huge fan of his, but Phil is afraid that Stuart will be embarrassing if he fawns all over Chuck. However when Phil catches Chuck with a roomful of prostitutes and finds out the paparazzi is hot on his trail, he brings Chuck back to the apartment. Chuck is not only happy to meet Stuart, but insists on giving him tennis lessons, and ultimately in possibly making a pass at him. Phil assures Stuart that he just doesn’t know how athletes sometimes behave physically, so Stuart has no problem later accepting a massage from Phil. However it gets so intimate that when Phil catches him in the act, he finally realizes that Chuck is gay. Chuck finally admits it, after Phil assures him that there are other clients who will be happy to pay high endorsements for a gay athlete. Meanwhile Eden is getting more and more nasty and demanding during her pregnancy and is driving Holly crazy. When Holly ducks out to go to a movie, Haskell steps in to take care of her, and ultimately is chosen to be Eden’s Lamaze coach. When Holly shows up at Lamaze and a fight ensues between them all, the instructor Anne (Valerie Mahaffey) throws Holly out. Holly is furious for being thrown over for Haskell, and tells Eden how mean she has been to her. Eden tells her it is because she thinks of her as family. Although Holly is back at taking care of her, it doesn’t stop Eden from demanding every whim again.  Erika Othen is the model. 1/25/20
• 022. Pirates of the Care of Eden – 9/5/2012
  • After finishing Lamaze class and seeing a birthing video, Holly tells Stuart she doesn’t think she can bear to be in the delivery room. Stuart agrees to step in and be in her place, and Holly tells Haskell he can be in there too. Holly wants them all to go out to eat to break the news to her, and she asks Phil if they can go to one of Phil’s business meetings on his boss Grant’s (Todd Stashwick) yacht. He agrees to give them a quick tour, but when Grant catches them on the boat, he tells Phil to get them off immediately. As they are ready to leave, Eden roams off and winds up snooping around the yacht’s stateroom. Stuart then goes temporarily blind from the seasickness patches he is wearing, and the boat takes off with them on it. Things turn even worse when Eden’s water breaks and she goes into labor. Phil tricks Grant into turning the boat around by telling him that his dad would never have a party right at the dock. But there isn’t time and Holly is forced to deliver the baby while Haskell faints. The paramedic (Vic Chao) arrives and declares everyone healthy. Eden laments having to give the baby to the parents, but says he will always be an aunt to her. 1/25/20

SEASON 3

• 023. Toy Story – 6/19/2013
  • Whily Holly is out of town, Stuart borrows her vibrator, thinking that it is a back massager. When she comes home early and stops by their house, Haskell and Phil hide it from her by sitting on it, and consequently break it. Holly returns to work the next day without realizing it is gone, but when she finds out that Paul is out of town, she tells Eden that she is anxious for a night alone with it. Meanwhile the guys visit an adult store to replace the device, but are told by the clerk (Jodi Lyn O’Keefe) that they no longer make that version. Haskell decides that he can fix it, so Phil tries to keep Holly busy in the bar and resorts to singing a rendition of That’s What Friends Are For to her, while the Haskell completes the task and Stuart returns it to her room. The guys are proud of themselves until they see the lights flicker and the fire alarm goes off in the building. Following a fire that burns down her bedroom which started in the outlet that had the vibrator plugged into it, she worries about facing the condo board of directors. Stuart nearly confesses their deeds, but then lets her face the board, where the leader Percy (Leslie Jordan) admits that the fire was caused by faulty wiring. But then the guys bust in and announce that they had damaged her vibrator which caused the fire. Holly is embarrassed and furious, and forces the guys to admit something embarrassing about themselves. Haskell reveals that he bought something at the adult store, that he is currently using as they speak. Eden struggles to lose 12 ounces to get back to her pre-baby weight. Pierre and Kirk Mason are adult store employees. Patricia Warren is the uptight board member. 5/9/20
• 024. The Holly’s Buddies Story – 6/26/2013
  • Holly and Paul are enjoying a quiet night alone watching Psycho when the guys all barge in and join them. Paul is clearly irritated and asks them later to stay away from them while they are spending time together. The guys agree but then get mixed signals when they keep declining Holly’s invitations to join them for dinner. Paul would encourage them to come, but then get angry when they would accept. Eventually they just stay away entirely, but then Holly is too distracted around Paul as she worried that they were mad at her. Paul then asks the guys to come assure Holly that they fine with everything, but still he gets annoyed when they agree to stay and visit. She catches him asking them to leave, and gets angry and throws him out. Eden tells Holly that it is natural for him to want to be alone with her, so she apologizes and they plan a dinner. However when she finds out that the guys are having poker night without her, she lies to Paul and tells him that she has to work and then joins the poker game. Thinking she is working, Paul comes over to see the guys, forcing Holly to hide out on the terrace, and then on the ledge when he goes out to smoke a cigar. He catches her out there, and realizes that they have a problem, so they agree to break up. She then joins the guys on the terrace for a cigar, where they spy on the old naked couple in another building. 5/9/20
• 025. Trading Places – 7/10/2013
  • Holly is obsessed with talking about Paul and making sure she made the right decision. The guys are sick of hearing it, so when she and Haskell meet a woman named Julia Sommes (Anita Barone) at the same time in the bar, she wants to claim her as a friend, while Haskell wants to date her. Meanwhile Stuart and Phil go looking for women, and Stuart meets a brainy gal named Sabrina (Missi Pyle) and Phil finds a sexy woman named Dana (Stacey Dash). Sabrina wants to have constant sex to the point that Phil has to corner her so they can just chat and find out about each other. She proves to be despicable and against everything Stuart stands for… yet he can’t stop having sex with her. Dana claims to have had a very promiscuous past, but is not a recommitted virgin. Phil pretends that he is one as well. Eventually they reach a boiling point and start down a passionate road, but then Phil questions his scruples in seducing her, and loses his drive. Holly manages to make Julia feel sorry enough for her that she is able to steal her away on the way to a date with Haskell. Holly and Julia go to a women’s spa, and Haskell manages to disguise himself and sneak in. They end up in a fight with each other and get thrown out, causing both of them to lose out on Holly. Eden is out of town for her aunt’s funeral, hoping to inherit a giant ruby… which turns out to be a giant dog named Ruby. 8/23/20
• 026. Zero Dark Forties – 7/17/2013
  • Holly has another crisis of confidence when she finds out that Paul is dating a beautiful surgeon. Thinking she will never find another man now that she’s in her forties, the guys decide to try and help her by putting a dating profile for her online. She initially gets no hits until Phil uploads a sexier picture of her, then they start rolling in. The guys have prospective suitors meet them first, but find most are unacceptable: an elderly man named Blake, a guy named Sheldon (Kevin T. McCarthy) who brings his mother (Estelle Harris) along, and a mysterious man (Christian Anderson) carrying a box with him. They then meet a nice guy named Alex (Grant Show) who seems like a great match, so they arrange a fortuitous meeting between them. The date goes well and they have sex, but Sally assumes she will never hear from him again. The guys think she has lost faith in all men… but she turns out to be right and he in fact doesn’t call again. Eden then discovers Holly’s dating profile and shares it with her. Eden suggest that they get even, so they call them and pretend to be a tough guy named Vic who calls them and threatens them. The to into a panic, before the girls reveal themselves to be Vic. At this point the guys themselves lose faith in all man, and Holly had to talk them down. 8/23/20
• 027. Defending Your Wife – 7/24/2013
  • After being divorced from his shrewish wife Margo (Lisa Ann Walter) for years, Haskel. is thrilled that she is about to married and he can stop paying alimony. Although he warns his friends not to drag him into a no-alimony celebration dance, he participates anyway… then his phone rings and he finds out Margo has been in an accident and has called for him to come. When he arrives, Margo seems to think she is still married and in love with Haskell. The doctor (Ajay Mehta) warns him not to give her any shocks, so he takes her home with him. She believes the apartment is theirs, so Stuart and Phil have to go stay with Holly and put up with her. Margo still thinks that Haskell is a pro bowler, and showers him with compliments, love, and sex, until he starts to fall in love with her again… while pretending to search for her fiance to keep Phil and Stuart at bay. Eventually they figure it out and insist that he tell her the truth. Margo overhears them and finds out he is no longer a bowler again. She begins to regain her memory as he tells her the truth, but this time they part amicably as she remembers she has a fiance. Haskell is broken up, but then remembers he is alimony-free again. They start to do their celebration dance once more, as the phone rings. This time he won’t let anyone answer it. 12/8/20
• 028. Take This Job and Shove It – 7/31/2013
  • Both Holly and Phil that they should each be made partners in their firm, so they make a pact to go in the next day and demand the promotion. Holly however chickens out when she sees her co-worker Ted (Drew Pillsbury) fired for asking for a raise. Phil on the other hand goes forward with the demand… and gets himself fired by his boss Grant (Todd Stashwick). Holly feels horrible and goes in to see Grant on Phil’s behalf, but he won’t bite. He does however hire Holly to be his divorce lawyer, making Phil feel even worse. Holly vows that she will dump Grant as a client if he doesn’t rehire Phil. This is stopped short when her boss Mr. Collins (Fred Dryer) makes her a senior partner for bringing in such a valuable client as Grant. Phil decides not to count on Holly so he goes in to see Grant himself. Grant humiliates Phil by making them swap roles while he lays down his demands, and just when he is ready to take Phil back if promises never to ask about being a partner again, Phil decides he no longer wants the job, and wants to follow his dream of opening his own agency. Holly naturally is quick to take the credit. Meanwhile Stuart goes out with a British lady named Charlotte (Cat Deeley), whom he met on the internet. She is attractive, save for her hideous teeth, which is a dealbreaker for Stuart. He and Haskell cook up a scheme where Haskell will play a ‘drunken stranger’ and insult her teeth. She takes it to heart when he does, and goes out to get her teeth fixed. She also falls for Stuart for sticking with her even when her teeth were ugly. Haskell ruins it when he sees her and tells Stuart that the plan worked, causing her to storm out of Stuart’s life. 12/9/20
• 029. Pretty Woman – 8/7/2013
  • The bar is serving great new burgers, but when Stuart accidentally grabs a woman’s (Alex Mauriello) breast while reaching for the ketchup, her boyfriend Bradley (Zack Ward) tells him to never come back in the bar. Phil is ready to fight the guy, but Stuart opts to just leave peacefully. It becomes obvious he is scared to return when he shows up and indiscreetly orders carry-out. Phil gives him pointers on how to fight and suggest that he use crazy eyes to intimidate the guy, while Haskell suggest loading his pocket with sand and throwing it in his face. Stuart confronts the guy, and neither tactic works, but he winds up choking on his burger. Stuart gives him the Heimlich Maneuver and saves him, then sucker punches him. The crazy eyes then seem to work. Meanwhile, Eden sleeps with a Frenchman named Tristan (Leo Degart), who then leaves her an expensive bracelet. Holly is concerned she might look like a prostitute for accepting the gift, and goes to meet Tristan with her. He brings along his friend Jean Luc (Ash Williams), and she winds up sleeping with him… and receiving a necklace. Now Holly is convinced that European men just know how to treat their dates, so they accept an offer to fly to St. Bart with them on their private jet. All is well when they show up and are told by the attendant Clayton (Jonathan Kells Phillips) that the guys will be meeting them there… until other women (Sonalii Castillo, Patricia Li Bryan, Claudia Graf) show up as well, and all claim to have met the guys at different cities. They quickly exit, but agree to keep the jewelry. They meet the guys at the bar and demand that Stuart buy them hamburgers. He tries to employ the sand tactic on them with the salt, but only throws it in his own eyes. 4/1/21
• 030. Prelude to a Kiss – 8/14/2013
  • Phil is off to start his first day at the Phil Chase Agency, and he’s taken out a big loan for a fancy office and pretty but incompetent assistant named Ariana (Jacqueline King), but is scared to death because he’s hinged all of his hope on one potential client in tennis player Tracy Cooper (Elizabeth Gilles). Eden brings a gift from Holly to the office, and when she sees Ariana goofing off, she confronts her and causes her to quit. She agrees to fill in for a couple of days until Phil can find a replacement. This of course enrages Holly, who now has no assistant, so Haskell asks to fill in to earn some extra money. When he finds out that the mailroom clerk Henry (Drew Wicks) was off for six months for an injury, he tries to concoct ways to hurt himself at the office but he keeps getting interrupted. Holly winds up injured when she sits in the chair that Haskell had rigged for himself. When Holly winds up getting some time off, Haskell believes he has no luck, and then slips on his own floor that Stuart just mopped. Stuart become obsessed with finding someone named Lenny K. who left him a horrible review on his Yelp account. When he does, it proves to be an old woman (Mary Gillis) who demands $100 to change the review. Stuart takes pity on her when she says she’s on her own just trying to survive and gives her $150, only to be told by her that she just conned him again. When Stuart misses his appointment with Tracy, he blames Eden who gets angry and quits. However Tracy re-schedules and asks that Eden be there, so Phil has to eat crow and apologize. Tracy seems unimpressed with Phil amidst tons of other offers, even though Phil follows Eden’s advice and is honest with her about what she needs to improve. Eden tries to comfort Phil by telling him that he will eventually succeed. Then Tracy calls and admits that the other agencies were blowing smoke at her, and she appreciates his honesty. Phil and Eden embrace to celebrate, and wind up kissing. 4/1/21
• 031. The Hand That Rocks the Cradle – 8/21/2013
  • When Holly gets hit on at the bar by an older man named Charlie (John Gowans), she longs to hang out with some younger people. She gets her wish when a much younger law student named Eric (Tyler Posey) happens by. Holly agrees to tutor him at her place, and naturally they wind up being intimate. Meanwhile, Eden and Phil tiptoe around each other after their kiss, but then when the finally talk about it, they wind up in bed as well. Haskell has been stalking the neighbor Jenny (Corie Vickers) by watching her through binoculars. Stuart suggests that Haskell attempt to meet her in person, so he drops off some flowers at her door. Since the door was cracked, it opened even further and Jenny’s cat comes out, so when the door closes, Haskell is forced to take it. Stuart then suggests putting up signs for a ‘found cat’ so that he can be the hero. Shortly before Jenny comes to claim it, the cats jumps off the balcony. Eden and Phil tell each other they shouldn’t get serious, both thinking they are likely to hurt each other. They laugh each other off, but then sleep together once again, agreeing to become friends with benefits. Haskell tells Jenny that the cat is dead when she arrives, but then Eden comes in to see Phil, and she has the cat which is very much alive. Jenny thinks Haskell is a sicko. Stuart tries to tell Jenny what a great guy Haskell is, and the fact that he knows her intimately. However when Haskell tells her that he’s been watching her, this solidifies her feeling that he is a creep. Eden suspects that Eric has a strange motive for dating Holly, and it reveals itself when Eric invites his mother Molly (Stephanie Czajkowski) to go to dinner with them… and she looks, dresses, and sounds exactly like Holly This time she accepts Charlie’s invitation to join her for drinks. 7/27/21
• 032. My Ex-Boyfriend’s Wedding – 8/28/2013
  • Paul is getting married to his fiancé Lauren (Jud Tylor) and Stuart, Phil, and Haskell are all attending. Holly, however, makes an excuse and refuses to go. Stuart is bringing a date because it is too depressing for him to go alone, while Haskell thinks it is a great place to pick up embittered, depressed women. He also faces a problem as his new suit is causing him to itch since it is made of 90% yak. Stuart’s date winds up cancelling at the last minute, leaving him feeling vulnerable and alone. Phil is distraught when Eden shows up with a date named Brett (Jared Ward), so he scouts the place for a woman to claim as his own date and happens upon the attractive Samantha (Chasty Ballesteros), who is suffering with a bad cold and was about to leave. When Phil and Eden both show how affectionate they can be with their dates, Samantha sneezes in Phil’s face, and Brett said he has to get back to his valet station. The finally laugh about how silly they’re being, and decide to date exclusively. They want to wait to tell their friends, and they sneak off to another room. Holly shows up at the last minute to get a look at the bride, and winds up in her dressing area, putting on her veil and holding her bouquet. When Paul sees her, he can’t help but give her a kiss, but when she feels nothing, she feels like she should apologize to Lauren. She is furious when she finds out, but then Paul tells her that it was great that he too felt nothing. Haskell meets a depressed woman named Melanie (Nicole Sullivan) and manages to win her over. They are getting ready to head out to her place, but he suddenly drops to the ground and rolls around because he itches so badly, turning her off to him instantly. He goes running into the bedroom to take off his suit, where he and the others find Phil and Eden in bed together. James Wong is the photographer. 7/28/21
• 033. True Lies – 12/11/2013
  • After it is revealed that Phil and Eden are sleeping together, Haskell is congratulatory, Stuart want to talk about everyone’s feelings, but Holly is angry that Eden never shared with her. Holly demands that Eden shares some dirt on Phil, so Eden tells her that she occasionally fakes orgasms with Phil, because he always expects that each time is better than the last. Holly, Phil, and Haskell are later at the apartment where Holly correctly predicts the timing of the orgasm. When the men want to know how she knew, Holly admits that Eden told her that she sometimes faked it. While Haskell is simulating the faking sounds, Stuart realizes that Haskell makes the same sounds when he is eating Stuart’s cooking. This causes an argument that Phil finds amusing, so Stuart lets it slip that Eden fakes with him. While Eden is at the office telling Holly how nice it is to have a good friend to share her secrets, Phil pays her a visit and asks her point blank if she is faking. Holly is forced to admit that she told everyone the secret, but Eden tells Phil that she purposely lied because she knew Holly couldn’t keep a secret. As Phil and the guys later discuss it at home with Holly, Stuart brings up that she could have been lying to Phil, and that she had really told Holly the truth. Haskell suggests that they put Eden on his lie detector to find out who she’s been lying to. While testing it on Holly, they learn that Holly has been making a profit on renting the apartment to them. When Eden arrives, she sees what they’re doing, and admits to Phil that she lied to him, and that she really does occasionally fake it. She also decides dating Phil is too much, because it is like dating them all. Holly, Haskell, and Stuart all visit Eden at her micro-apartment to see if they can convince her not to be angry at Phil, who also visits the apartment to apologize. Everyone crams in as Phil apologizes, and they all agree to not tell the others anything about their personal lives, and they get back together. Haskell promises to be honest with Stuart about his cooking, and admits which dishes he doesn’t like… which earns a hug from Stuart. 1/25/22
• 034. How the Grinch Spent Xmas – 12/18/2013
  • Holly has arranged to spend a nice dinner and party with her friends on Christmas Eve, but she is late to her own party when her plane gets in late following a trip to England. She has also met a perfect man for her named Derek (Ben Lawson) and asks him to come back to the apartment for the party. Stuart reluctantly agrees to allow it, but then the immigration official (Harrison White) tells him that he has been flagged and is not permitted to enter the United States. Holly decides to stay with him, even though this leaves all of her friends angry. Phil and Eden regret not going away to a cabin in the Berkshires, and Haskell feels guilty about not visiting his mother. They try to rush through the activities that Stuart had planned like decorating cookies, singing Christmas Carols, and drinking hot chocolate and reminiscing about Christmases past. He catches on to their plan, and gets angry all over again at Holly. However, after they open up the thoughtful gifts she got them, G.I. Joe Walkie-Talkies for Haskell, and scrapbook for Stuart, and a gift certificate to the Berkshires for Phil and Eden, they start to feel ashamed at being mad at Holly. Meanwhile, Phil has Haskell try to get it out of Eden what she got him, so he can get her an appropriate gift that lines up with what she got him. Eden tells Haskell that she made him a sexy video, so Phil goes to work in the bedroom to make one of his own. Everyone decides to take Christmas dinner to Holly and Derek at the airport. However, Holly has decided to fly off to Costa Rica where they will accept Derek. At the last minute, she changes her mind and stays, and is quickly surprised and touched by her friends who show up with dinner and gifts. Eden gives Phil workout clothes and admits she lied to Haskell. He is disappointed and thinks she thinks he is fat. He gets over it quickly and sends her his sexy video… but accidentally sends it to all of his friends… actually, all of his contacts in his entire phone book, David Crane is the man on layover who gets Holly and Derek’s sandwiches. 1/25/22
• 035. Nothing in Common – 1/1/2014
  • While Phil is waiting for Eden in the bar, a lady named Donna (Crystle Stewart) hits on him, but Phil does the right thing and tells her that he is in a relationship. When Eden shows up, Donna is quick to tell her that Phil shut her down when she hit on him. Later however, Donna gives Phil her phone number and asks him to call her if they are ever interested in a threesome. Phil isn’t sure how to approach Eden, so he casually mentions it and Eden responds that she’s never done that before, but that she might be interested, suggesting that they invite her over for drinks to see how it goes. Meanwhile, Stuart’s sister Nicki (Leah Remini) show up late at night and tells Stuart that she intercepted some texts from her 17-year husband Tommy (Billy Malone) indicating that he has a lover. Haskell takes an immediate liking to Nicki and is rooting for the breakup. Stuart however wants to intervene and try to help save the marriage, so he arranges to meet Tommy, who is a hardened police investigator. Tommy shows up to see Stuart and brings along his partner Frank (Bruno Armato). Stuart quickly realizes that it is Tommy and Frank who are lovers. He returns to his sister, who is now ready to attempt a reconciliation, but Stuart tells her that it is indeed time to move on, much to Haskell’s delight. On the big night with Donna, Phil nervously stands by and encourages her and Eden to get drunk. Things start heading in the right direction according to Eden, as they share stories of their commonalities, including both having dogs as a girls. Unfortunately, thinks quickly sour when Donna starts looking at her photos of the dead dog and late father, and can’t stop crying. Phil tries to guide the conversation back them all heading to the bedroom, but Donna leaves in tears, and Eden telling Phil that it’s not going to happen. Stuart tells Nicki that even though this is a bad circumstance for her, and things could get more and more sad, he promises to be here for her and that he’s glad she is back in his life. Haskell believes this might be the start of something big for him. Danielle Kennedy is the waitress. 6/2/22
• 036. Bachelor Party – 1/8/2014
  • When Haskell hits on a woman named Ann Marie (Erica Shaffer), who seems interested in him until a taller guy named Steve (Gerrit Hagen) immediately causes her to lose interest, Haskell decides to get elevator shoes. Meanwhile, Stuart sees his old girlfriend, the crazy Sabrina, he warns her to stay away from him… but she tells him that she is actually Sabrina’s twin sister Julia (Missi Pyle). Stuart has much more in common with her and begins to see her, but Haskell warns him that she is probably just Sabrina pulling one of her crazy stunts. Stuart remembers a tattoo on Sabrina’s inner thigh, so he attempts to get a look at Julia’s thigh by dancing a tango with her and using a dentist’s mirror. It is inconclusive, and moreover he gets caught and Julia storms out. Phil is nominated to be the New Yorker magazine’s eligible bachelor of the year, with which Eden takes issue. She ultimately tells him that it is his decision, and he chooses to accept it and go to the magazine’s party as a bachelor. Phil goes in his new elevator shoes and makes a splash with a woman (Selah Victor), until he falls over when he bumps into the waiter, and everyone sees his shoes and shuns him. Holly also attends the party in hopes of snagging lawyer Ed Stevens (Chris L. McKenna), but when her eyebrow lady shaves off her eyebrows, Eden has to attach fake ones. Ed Stevens is initially interested in her until her eyebrows start to crawl all over her face. Eden decides to follow Phil to the party, but she winds up running into her old friend Ashley (Jessica Runck), and they and their friends go out for a night on the town, leaving Phil to get introduced to bachelorettes by the article’s publisher Leila (Cynthia Kaye McWilliams). Stuart believes he made a mistake with Julia, but Haskell again convinces him that it is just one of Sabrina’s tricks. When Julia returns and tells Stuart that she understands how he could believe she was Sabrina because it is just like something she would pull. However Stuart again blasts her once again thinking she is Sabrina… until the real Sabrina shows up. This time Julia is less forgiving and tells Stuart that he and Sabrina deserve each other. Eden comes to see Phil after her night out, and tells him that she doesn’t feel ready for their relationship anymore after remembering how fun it is to be single. He admits that he felt some of that well, so they agree to return to being friends again. Haskell decides to forget the elevator shoes and have his neck stretched. 6/7/22
• 037. Starting Over – 1/22/2014
  • After Stuart’s sister Nicki’s divorced, she moves in with Stuart, much to Haskell’s excitement, although he still gets tongue-tied around her. Meanwhile, since his breakup with Eden, Phil is excited to resume his life of one-night stands, but when Nicki meets his latest conquest Carol (Joyful Drake), she invites her to come along with all of them to get drinks. Phil wants to be rid of her right away, but when she shoes up with her little boy Austin (Andre Robinson), Nicki suggests that they can have drinks anytime and encourages him to go along with Carol and take Austin to Funville. Stuart’s receptionist has to go on leave during her pregnancy, so Stuart panics about finding a new one. Although Nicki is having trouble finding a new job in the city, Stuart insists to Phil that it is not a good idea for them to work together, since she one ruined his lemonade stand and caused him to have an asthma attack. Stuart finally gives in and gives her the receptionists job, but right away she starts interfering in his business and offering dental work for half-price on Groupon and putting his ad on park benches. Phil tries to break it off with Carol, but before he can tell her, she gets a call that her Nana is on death’s door. She begs Stuart to come with her, where he meets her brother James (Anthony Holiday) and other members of her extended family. When they go out to talk to the doctor, Nana (Louisa Abernathy) make Phil promised to take care of Carol and Austin. Eden flirts with the new bartender Steve (Brandon Routh), and he invites her and Haskell to come to his play Seven Angry Men. They both think his acting is terrible, as well as being shocked that the seven men are all naked. After Nicki causes Stuart’s asthma to reappear, they get in a fight, and Nicki decides to move out and go home. Staurt is depressed that Nicki is leaving, so when he hears Steve talk about taking a chance in Hollywood, he decides to encourage it so that Nicki can take his job as the bartender. Although Haskell hopes to get the credit and look like a hero in Nicki’s eyes. However, she hears Steve talking about going to Hollywood, and it is Steve that gets her kisses when he offers her the job and his apartment. Carol gets angry when she hears that Phil told her Nana said he’s marry her, and breaks it off with him because he is too clingy. Both Stuart and Phil are aghast when they hear that Nicki is now going to stay after all. Nicki tells Stuart that she is going to work on being less overbearing and in control, but when she offers to buy him a drink and he asks for an extra frothy peach margarita, she tells him he’s getting a beer. 8/26/22
• 038. Friends Without Benefits – 1/29/2014
  • Haskell sits around the bar watching Nicki bartend, and Eden recommends that he make his move before someone else goes after her. One man (Paul Nobrega) hits on her as Haskell approaches her, but she sprays him with water and asks Haskell if there are any good men left. Haskell says there’s a great man who has worshipped from afar, but then chickens out and tells her that is a friend of his named Pete. Although Eden thinks Haskell’s plan is ridiculous, he has a great day helping her shop and get ready for her date with “Pete”. Holly and Nicki finally meet, but Holly merely tries to sell her legal service. Phil thinks he was racially profiled when he is stopped for jaywalking. Stuart runs into an old neighbor Jeff (John Ross Bowie), who gives Stuart some updates on Lorna and her boyfriend Doug (Sean Douglas), who are moving in together now that she has sold the house where she used to live with Stuart. He is crestfallen and wants to see the house one more time before she gives up possession of it. When Loren refuses, Stuart asks Phil to come with him to break in with the key hidden under the duck statues, the Quackersons. Phil is scared to death to break into a house in a white suburban neighborhood. Haskell tells Eden that his plans to be the strong, caring shoulder that Nicki will need when Pete doesn’t show up for the date. Haskell waits at the bar for Nicki to show up, but then an old acquaintance of his, who is actually named Pete (Michael Marc Friedman) show up to chat with Haskell. When Nicki comes in, Haskell is forced to introduce him as Pete. Then he bribes Pete to leave when Haskell calls him. Pete pretends to be a stock broker, but he is so unconvincing that Nicki thinks she’s been blown off. Haskell tries to get her to stay and have a drink, but she is so upset that she wants to go home. Haskell stops by to try and tell her the truth, but every time he tells her how he feels, Nicki thinks he is just quoting a typical dating line that she’ll have to deal with in the dating world. Before he can convince her otherwise, Nicki tells that something good did come of the aborted date… she found a friend in Haskell. Stuart has a hard time leaving the house, although Phil is terrified of getting arrested. Then Loran and Doug come home, so Stuart and Phil hide in the closet. Loran also is emotional about leaving the house she’s lived in for so long, but she deals with it by asking Doug to make love with her. This causes Phil to no longer care about the house. 9/26/22
• 039. Nun Like It Hot – 2/5/2014
  • Nicki is on Phil’s case because he’s so shallow with women, sleeping with them and not getting to know them at all before he dumps them. Meanwhile. Nicki’s old friend Vanessa (Ayda Field), a girl from the neighborhood where Nicki and Stuart grew up, is freshly divorced and comes to see Nicki while she’s in the city. Stuart admits to having a crush on her, but when he tries to flirt with her, she tells him that she’s planning to become a nun. Naturally, when no one else is around, Phil unknowingly hits on her… and they wind up sleeping together. When Stuart finds her in the apartment the next morning, the lays the news on Phil, and tells him that Nicki will be furious that he slept with her best friend before she has taken her vows at the convent. Phil and Stuart vow to keep it a secret, but soon Vanessa is telling Nicki that she’s having second thoughts about her vows to become a nun. This makes Nicki furious, and she tells Stuart and Phil that she’s vowing to find the guy who ruined her friend and make his life miserable. Later, Vanessa changes her mind and decides that having sex with Phil has actually strengthened her conviction to become a nun. Nicki deduces which Phil she slept with and confronts Phil, who vows that he would do anything to fix the problem. Nicki makes him announce in front of the entire bar that he is a dog who does not care about anyone’s life but only wants to sleep with them. Nicki takes a video of this confession and posts the video to YouTube. Then she tells Phil that Nicki had decided to become a nun again anyway. Meanwhile, Holly slips and injures herself in her shower, and Haskell and Eden help her to the emergency room and back home. Once they get her there, Holly demands that they now take care of her while she is laid up. She becomes so demanding and rude with both of them that they decide to give her some sleeping aids in her pudding to get her to finally go asleep. Holly refuese the pudding, and winds up shoving it into Haskell’s mouth. When he passes out on the couch with Holly, it is up to Eden… so she takes a dose of the medicine herself. 1/20/23
• 040. When Haskell Met Sammy – 2/12/2014
  • Nicki talks Eden into taking her out for a night on the town, even though Eden thinks Nicki will have a hard time keeping up. Meanwhile, Holly and Haskell are at the bar when Holly spots a hot guy pilot named Captain Matt Brickhouse (Ed Quinn), so the two of them wedge their way through the crowd so that she can meet him. He happens to be with his gay brother Sam (Roger Bart), who takes an immediately liking to Haskell. Although he doesn’t realize that Sam is after him, Haskell accepts an invitation to double date with Holly and Matt. During their dinner, Roger wipes Haskell’s mouth and boops his nose, which finally tips him off. He gets ready to tell Sam that he’s not gay, but he finds that Sam flatters him so much, he has a hard time telling him. Holly is jealous that the romance between Haskell and Sam is more intense than hers with Matt. Phil finds out that Coach Williams from his high school has passed away. He is asked to speak at the funeral, but he doesn’t plan to attend since he had a bad experience when his grandfather fell out of his casket when he was a kid. Nicki and Eden wake up the morning after their night out, both dressed in sailor suits. Their only clue is a text from someone named Mel telling her that they need to get their uniforms back. The speculate on whether they had a threesome or if there were two sailors. When they finally meet Mel (DeeDee Rescher), they find she is a woman costume manager at the theater where they are playing South Pacific. She found Eden and Nicki passed out and soaking wet outside the theater, so she gave them costumes and sent them home. Phil attempts to take some Valium before the funeral but takes Viagra instead. He tries to remain calm at the funeral, but when two of the old high school cheerleaders (Rayna Tharani, Gillian Iliana Waters) give him a hug, he finds himself being forced to hide his crotch. Stuart uses Phil’s speech to try and give the eulogy, but when he talks in a street dialect as Phil wrote, Phil comes to his rescue. It isn’t long before he gives the entire group of mourners a sight they hadn’t bargained for. Haskell finally sits Sam down to tell him that he is straight, but before he can, Sam tells him that he’s getting back with his boyfriend. Haskell is initially offended, but then wishes Sam well with his boyfriend… and gives him a boop on the nose. Haskell later tells Holly that he hopes the next time he meets someone who understands and appreciates him so well, they have lady parts. Phil and Stuart return from the funeral, and Haskell gives Phil a hug. Since the Viagra hasn’t yet worn off, Haskell thinks he has turned on yet another man. Frantz Turner is the minister. NOTE: Karlton Johnson is credited as Daryl Johnson but does not appear in the episode. 1/20/23 
• 041. My Fair Stuart – 2/19/2014
  • Stuart has a good chance of becoming a partner in a very prestigious dental practice, but he is asked to attend a dinner party to make sure they all mesh, but Stuart’s date cancels at the last minute due to a work commitment. Nicki offers to go with him, but Stuart thinks it would be too weird. Holly agrees to go with him, but it turns out that she has represented one of the partners’ ex-wife in a divorce and took him to the cleaners. Stuart also considers Eden, but she injured her eye with a cork and is currently wearing an eye patch. Meanwhile, after a pregnancy scare, Phil decides to get a vasectomy, and Haskell decides to get one as well. Stuart has to bite the bullet and ask Nicki to go with him after all. Holly tries to dissuade the guys from getting the procedure without thinking it through, even bringing in the neighbor boy Cooper (J.J. Totah aka Josie Totah) in to see them and change their minds about maybe wanting a kid later. Stuart buys Nicki a dress and has her change her name to Nicole. He also starts to coach her on her accent. When they get to the party, Stuart introduces Nicki to Dr. Nicky (Ivar Brogger) and Miriam ‘Mickey’ Grayson (Jordana Capra). When she meets Dr. Porter (Paul Ganus) and Tanner Davidson (Heather Ayres), Stuart tells Tanner that Nicki went to Vasser… only to face several awkward questions since Tanner also went to Vasser. Haskell and Phil return from their procedures, and they can barely walk or sit without writhing in pain. However, when Holly catches Haskell lifting a chair, she realizes that he didn’t go through the procedure. While Stuart is using the restaurant, Nicky mentions that their son Ralph (Tony Dovolani) can’t dance, and they’ve hired an expensive band for his wedding. Nicki offers to teach Ralph how to dance the mamba. Much to Stuart’s surprise, Nicky does a great job, and Ralph becomes a dancer worthy of Dancing with the Stars. Stuart expresses his relief, and Nicki points out how everyone at the party accepts her, while Stuart seems embarrassed about her. Stuart asks her what he was thinking by bringing his sister as his date. This is in earshot of Nicky, who thinks it is quite odd and votes him out of being a dental partner. Stuart apologizes to Nicki for the way he treated her and agrees that he is a phony and always sees himself as weird little Stewie from Staten Island. Haskell is afraid to tell Phil that he didn’t get the vasectomy, but when he finally plans to tell him, he sees Phil putting his leg up on a chair and hitting on a woman. Phil admits that he realized he might want a child one day after all. Haskell notes that they should never make a decision in a bar. Phil tells him that would be a great tattoo, and they both agree that they should go get tattoos if the other guy does. 7/4/23
•  042. The Old Man and the Holly – 2/26/2024
  • Haskell is still crazy about Nicki and looks for advice from Holly and Eden. Holly suggests that he ask Phil for advice, but he doesn’t want to risk Stuart finding out. Meanwhile, Holly spots her old Professor James Malcolm (Michael Nouri) at the bar. She had always had a crush on him and approaches him, and he is immediately receptive and asks her out. Phil and Stuart and Nicki overhear her cancel a date because she is nervous about having sex for the first time since her marriage broke up. Phil suggests that she finds one guy and has sex just to get back in the practice. Holly wakes up in bed with Professor Malcolm and when a nurse (Tiffany Jeneen) comes in, she realizes they are in an assisted living hospital. Holly is bothered by this and tells Eden, who assumes she will quickly move on, but to Eden’s surprise, she wants to keep seeing him. However, she does try to get him out of bed in order to go out and experience life, and in the process, she falls out of bed and injures her hip. Nicki approaches Phil to have some meaningless sex, but Phil initially turns her down because she is Stuart’s sister. Nicki vows that Stuart will never know, so he agrees to come to her place. When Haskell finds Nicki at their apartment without Stuart there, Haskell thinks she is there because she is interested in him. Phil tells Haskell about Nicky’s request, and Haskell tries to maintain his composure. In order to stop Phil, Haskell tells Stuart about what Phil and Nicki are doing. However, when Phil hears that Nicki asked Phil to do it, Stuart decides to let her make her own decision. Haskell heads over there to stop it himself. Holly sets up camp at the assisted living home while is she recovering from her fall. She starts to play cards with some of the elderly residents Pearl (Marion Ross) and Ruthie (Elmarie Wendel), and starts behaving like she is an old lady herself. Eden stops by and is shocked to see Holly in this condition and tries to get her out of the home, but Holly won’t budge. Phil is unable to go through with sleeping with Nicki because he can’t get Stuart off his mind. Holly shows up at the bar and tells Eden that James broke it off with her because she was slowing him down. Haskell shows up at Nicki’s place and screams at Phil and admits to him that he’s in love with her… just as Nicki walks in and hears what he said. 7/4/23

SEASON 4

• 043. The Devil Wears Hanes – 11/5/2014
  • In the aftermath of Haskell running out when he realizes that Nicki heard him confess that he is in love with her, Haskell refuses to come out of his room. She comes to see him, angry that she never had a chance to even respond to tell him that due to just getting out of a marriage, she has no idea how she feels about love. Holly gets her to admit that she would be willing to casually date Haskell, so they plan a casual dinner and walk through Times Square. Haskell is a gentleman and ends the date at the door. After he leaves, Steve, the bartender from whom Nicki sublet the apartment stops by and says he has an audition for an underwear commercial and has no place to stay. She agrees that he can sleep on the couch, and also agrees to run lines with him. He gets into his underwear, and Nicki acts as his coach, but can’t resists throwing him onto the couch and making love to him. Haskell is walking on air after his date and shares his excitement with Phil and Stuart. Phil admits that he once knew an unapproachable girl named Alessandra Revis (Nadine Valazquez) in high school, whom he tried to approach before he slipped on a tater tot and made a fool of himself. Holly goes to see Nicki, who tries to keep her out by telling her that she’s sick, but Holly finds Steve in her apartment. Nicky feels guilty and kicks Steve out, so Holly invites him to stay with her. As she is about to seduce Steve, Nicki comes over to her place to tell Holly that she kicked him out, only to find him there. Haskell walks in and overhears Nicki admitting to Holly that she couldn’t keep her hands off of him. Steve then winds up staying with Eden. With Stuart’s encouragement, Phil finds Alessandra on Facebook and gets a date with Alessandra. Once they get together, Phil admits his crush on her. Alessandro seems to really like Phil, and he is thrilled. However, when she takes a call from one of her four kids, Phil is taken aback by her screaming at them. She also speaks to the kids’ father, whom she threatens to have Phil beat up. Nicki comes to see Phil and apologize, but Haskell says he can’t go slow and will only date someone to whom he can give his whole heart to. She says that he deserves that but isn’t ready for that kind of relationship. Before she leaves, Haskell gives her a big kiss that he calls ‘the full Lutz’. Brian Scolaro is the bartender. 10/30/23 
• 044. The Wedding Unplanner – 11/12/2014
  • When Phil has trouble seeing his email on his phone, it becomes clear that his eyesight is starting to go. Phil also asks out a girl named Chloe (Denyse Tontz) who is barely of legal age, but she agrees to go out with him. Meanwhile, Nicki’s husband has hired a fancy lawyer for their divorce, so Holly volunteers to represent her pro bono. She tries to convince Nicki not to take the settlement personally but to just try to make it fair and equitable. However, when she gets a reminder from the Central Park Lakehouse reminding her that her wedding to Brad is coming up in six months, even though the wedding was called off two years ago. Holly’s mood about Nicky’s settlement suddenly changes, and she decides to go after him hook. line, and sinker. She is quickly able to make Nicki angry and vindictive as well. Phil tries to convince everyone including himself that he’s just as active as he was just out of high school. He starts to club hop and stay out all night, and then makes plans for a big party at Chloe’s apartment. Eden tells Holly that she’s suddenly ashamed to work for her because of how she is handling Nicki’s case. Phil leaves his phone home and Haskell answers it when Chloe calls for him. She invites Haskell and Stuart to come along, and Stuart insists that they go. At the party, Phil realizes that Chloe’s friend Brendan (Morgan Krantz) has brought the party food out of a dumpster and is celebrating having just gone on unemployment. When Nicki shows Holly all of the things that she stole from Tommy’s house including his goldfish, Holly finally realizes that she was wrong to be so vindictive, so she tells Nicki she will call Tommy’s lawyer and make things right. Haskell and Stuart show up at the party and Haskell becomes popular with one guy (Mitch Miller) when he tells him how to bypass the timeout on the local coffee shop’s router. Stuart tries to guess what is in the ‘delightfully eclectic’ food dishes. Phil tries to talk a guy named James (Ray Auxias) into turning on some music, and James starts playing his ukulele. Phil tries to brag that he’s a sports agent, but the guys tell him he’s just a cog in the corrupt system. Phil and the guys start arguing until Chloe throws him out. He takes Phil, who is disgusted by what he’s been eating, but Haskell is having a good time and makes fun of Phil for acting like Bill Cosby. Holly heads to the Lakehouse to cancel her wedding and gets a refund from the manager (David Tutera). There she runs into an optimistic bride (Courtney Rackley) who tells Holly that she never knows how quickly life can change. Holly later tells everyone that she didn’t cancel the wedding and plans to get married in six months to the greatest guy in the world… whom she hasn’t yet met. 10/30/23
• 045. Love and Death – 11/19/2014
  • Stuart is proud of himself for suggesting that the chef at the bar add pecans to his ravioli sauce, but it winds up causing Phil to chip his tooth just before he is schedule to go on the sports talk show Fair Catch . Meanwhile, Holly has another failed date after the man blames Holly for passing gas when it was him. Stuart suggests that the girls take a class at the Learning Annex in order to meet men. Stuart fixes Phil’s tooth, but it leaves him with a bad lisp. Haskell helps coach him through overcoming his lisp, but it only partially helps him. While Eden goes into a barbecuing class, Holly sees an attractive man named Jeff (Michael Trucco) and follows him into another class led by a group leader named Wendy (Vernee Watson). However, the class turns out to be a grief support group for people who have lost their spouses. Jeff is just getting over his dead wife Lisa, and Holly takes full advantage by telling the group that her husband has passed away in an avalanche going home. When she meets up with Jeff for drinks, Jeff shows Holly a picture of Lisa and then asks to see a photo of Holly’s ex-husband. She shows him a picture of Stuart and claims he was her husband, but Jeff recognizes Stuart as his own dentist. Soon word gets around with Stuart’s patients and they begin sending flowers and baskets of food to the apartment. Holly has to admit to Stuart what she has done and asks him not to reveal that he is alive to his patients until she has a chance to tell him the truth herself. Phil tries to stay of words starting with the letter S while on the air with his co-host Spenser (David Norona), but it becomes difficult when he has to talk about player Sansosa Sasasolis and the Seahawks. Fortunately, he discovers that the lisp has gone away, so he winds up taking great delight in saying the S words. However, when he gets multiple texts of condolences that Stuart has died, he breaks down on the air and can do nothing but cry. During the next grief class, Wendy announces that she has learned that there is an intruder in the class, one who is only there to hit on vulnerable people. Holly thinks she is talking about her, but it turns out she is talking about Jeff. While Haskell and Eden enjoy eating all of the food sent for Stuart, Phil comes home from the studio and finds Stuart alive. Holly comes home and announces that Jeff is a horrible person for what he did, while Stuart laments that he died for nothing, Phil blubbered on TV, Haskell had his naps interrupted, and Eden had to take a barbecue class for nothing. Holly says that she’d do it again if she had the chance, as she plans to stop at nothing to find a husband. Chuti Tiu is the stage manager. Heath Gfeller is the delivery guy. 3/9/24
• 046. An Officer and a Dental Man – 11/26/2014
  • Stuart dresses in full Captain’s military garb as an officer in the Dental Reserve Corp as he spends his one Saturday a month working on the soldiers at Fort Hamilton. Haskell suggests that Stuart wear the uniform to get women, but Haskell refuses to stoop to that. Meanwhile, Holly is worried about Haskell staying home every weekend to watch TV and eat since losing Nikki. Phil agrees to take Haskell out to meet women but is surprised when he tries to hit on a woman named Dani (Elizabeth Regan) and she seems to prefer Haskell to him. Because of this, along with some things she says that indicates she does things like smoke cigars, has a strong handshake, works as an electrician, and has a truck, Phil thinks that Dani is actually a man. A woman named Katie (Nikki Deloach) is impressed by Stuart’s service to his country, and before he can tell her what he really does, she invites him out on a date, and they sleep together. Phil convinces Holly that Dani might be a man, so Holly agrees to try and infiltrate the situation by dressing up as a man pretending to be a woman. Stuart thinks he can avoid telling Katie the truth by telling her that he is being re-deployed. Before he can tell her, Katie introduces Stuart to her father Bill Drake (Stacy Keach), a Vietnam military vet who salutes Stuart for his service. When he hears Stuart tell Katie that he is being re-deployed, he insists on giving Stuart a toast with a bottle of 1942 Cognac that his father brought back from Normandy. As Stuart is leaving the bar, he runs into a soldier (Christopher Foley aka Christopher Knight Roberts), who thanks him for doing work on his teeth. When the Katie and her father overhear this, Stuart flees the bar. Holly’s effort to get Dani to admit being a man fails, but Dani has no trouble believing that Holly is a man, which offends her. Despite the lack of evidence, Phil and Holly interrupt Haskell on his date with Dani to tell them of her suspicions. Haskell thinks they are being ridiculous, and that Phil is just jealous that Dani turned him down. Haskell returns to his date but when Dani asks for a beer, Haskell immediately accuses her of being a man. Dani denies this and tells Haskell that she thought that he was funny, sweet, and interesting and that is why she chose him. After she walks out on him, Holly blames Phil for only saying that because she turned him down. Although Haskell is furious, he takes delight in telling Phil that he will coach him through dating now that a woman has turned Phil down in favor of him. 3/9/24
• 047. Oh Brother Here Art Thou – 12/3/2014
  • Haskell’s brother Rob (Cameron Mathison) pays him a surprise visit from his current home in Saint-Tropez, France, where he is living a charmed and wealthy life. Phil and Stuart are surprised when they see Rob, as he is lean and good looking and looks nothing like Haskell. When Haskell gets home and sees him, he asks to speak to him in the hallway, and then shuts him outside. Although he claims he doesn’t want to talk about Rob, he tells the guys that he and Rob once had a furniture business that they were on the verge of making successful when Rob suddenly left with all of the money, destroying the business and moving to Europe. Meanwhile, Holly is excited to mentor a high school student named Vanessa (Coco Jones) who wants to become a lawyer. However, after spending a boring morning reading over cases with Holly, Vanessa takes a break with Eden and discovers that she is more excited about the fact that Eden seems to have a lot of free time as Holly’s assistant. Stuart gets Haskell to sit down with Rob to hear him out, and Rob manages to make amends with Haskell by telling him that there is no excuse for his behavior, but he wants Haskell back in his life. Haskell is receptive to him, and the next thing Rob asks is for Haskell to donate one of his kidneys to him. When Haskell tells this to Stuart, he thinks that Rob is just conning and using him for the kidney and wants to talk him out of it. However, Haskell heads out to spend some time at his brother’s hotel room, where Rob wines and dines him and gives him an envelope full of cash. After a few days, Stuart and Phil go to see him and tell him that he is being conned. Haskell doesn’t want to believe it initially, but then realizes that he is nothing but a ‘kidney whore.’ After Vanessa finishes her day with Holly and Eden, Holly gives her an autographed picture to help inspire her, but is surprised when Vanessa tells her that she doesn’t want to be a lawyer any longer because it is too much work. She says she’d rather be an assistant like Eden, telling Vanessa that she is capable of something much more fulfilling than Edens’ job. This hurts Eden’s feelings, and she sulks out of the room. Holly goes to bring her gift basket and apologize, but Eden says that Holly is completely right and that she is more disappointed in herself, telling Holly how she dropped out of school when it got too hard and has never been able to pick up the pieces and move onto a more rewarding career. Holly tells her that she is going to establish the Holly Franklin Scholarship and help send Eden through school again. Eden points out that she did help someone achieve their dreams after all. Haskell sits Rob down to tell him that he isn’t going to give him his kidney, but before he can say anything, Rob thanks him for being so forgiving and tells him that he doesn’t think he could be that strong if the situation were reversed. Haskell changes his mind again and decides to give him the kidney after all. Rob then tells him that he found out a couple days earlier that they were not a match. He says he didn’t tell Haskell because he wanted to continue spending time with him. He admits that he came for a kidney, but he found a brother. Rob tells him that their cousin Larry is a match and that he plans to give him 100 grand for his kidney. When Haskell hears this, he jokingly asks for a re-test. 7/18/24
• 048. Dawn of the Dead – 12/10/2014
  • Holly is getting ready to throw Stuart and Nikki a joint birthday party, since even though they were born four years apart, were born on the same day of the year. She claims that she is doing this because she thinks so highly of them, but the truth is that she met an environmental lawyer named J.D. (Ryan McCann) from Atlanta at her office and wanted an excuse for them to get together at a party. Nikki informs Stuart that their father Frank (Peter Onorati) is coming to the party from Staten Island, but Stuart isn’t happy because his father always makes pot shots at him for being so effeminate. Meanwhile, Phil has a new girlfriend new Verena, a clothes designer who gives him a pair of pants to wear to the party, but they are so tight, he can barely get into them. When Frank shows up, he starts ragging on Stuart right away, and Stuart quickly loses his temper and tells him that he didn’t want him there after all. His father storms off and says he’ll skip the party, and Nikki gets annoyed at Stuart and decides she’s not going to go either. When Stuart tells Holly that the party is off, she panics and decides to make sure that the party happens. She tells Stuart that his father and sister apologized to him, and then tells Frank and Nikki that Staurt apologizes to them, telling each of them that the other person was too ashamed to do it himself. When Frank sees Haskell with a Rolex watch knockoff, he offers him $100 for it, and Stuart is quick to take it. However, he later finds out that the Rolex was indeed real and schemes to get it back. However, Frank has given it to J.D. in appreciation for Holly throwing the party. Haskell tries to buy it from him, and when he won’t sell it, Haskell tries to take it by force. Phil’s pants are so tight that when Verena calls him, he can’t get the phone out of the pocket, so he asks J.D. to answer the phone through his pants. When Stuart bumps into someone at the party and apologizes, Nikki thanks him for apologizing to her and their father. Staurt tells her that he didn’t apologize, and they realize that Holly has lied to them. Frank gives them their birthday gifts, and Staurt’s is a taser since he thinks he can’t take care of himself in the city. Nikki’s is a key to an apartment back in Staten Island. Nikki then blows up at her father and recognizes that she is always giving in to him. Stuart also makes it clear that he didn’t apologize and tells him in front of everyone that Holly lied about. J.D. has had enough after Haskell tries to steal his watch, Phil made him talk to his pants, and now Holly has lied to her friends, so he decides to leave. Frank also leaves the party, but later catches up with them at the bar, and tells him that he wishes that he had told off his father like that as it might have brought them closer. He tells them that he never understood Stuart, but that he now knows it is his problem and not Stuart’s. He also tells Nikki that he just wants to be closer to her, and he apologizes for always trying to get his way. They all embrace and agree to forgive. 7/20/24

This entry was posted on Thursday, January 13th, 2000 at 6:24 am and is filed under Television. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.