The Terrible Catsafterme

SEASON 1 – CBS

TV series is based on the 1970 film “M*A*S*H,” which was based on the novel “MASH: A Novel About Three Army Doctors” by Richard Hooker

Developed by Larry Gelbart and Gene Reynolds

Theme song: “Suicide Is Painless (Instrumental Version)” written for the film by Johnny Mandel 

• 001. Pilot – 9/17/1992
  • In Uijeongbu, South Korea in 1959, the Mobile Army Surgical Hospital – aka MASH – 4077th unit is run by Lt. Col. Henry Blake (McLean Stevenson), who is assisted by Corporal Walter “Radar” O’Reilly (Gary Burghoff), who is seemingly one step ahead of Henry’s requests every time. His head surgeon is Major Frank Burns (Larry Linville), who although married, is having an affair with head nurse Major Margaret “Hot Lips” Houlihan (Loretta Swit). Burns lives in a tent known as “The Swamp” with doctors Captain Benjamin Franklin “Hawkeye” Pierce, Captain Trapper John McIntire (Wayne Rogers), and Captain Oliver Harmon “Spearchucker” Jones (Timothy Brown). After a hard night of surgery, during which they bicker with both Frank and Margaret, Hawkeye and Trapper return to the Swamp where they are tended to by their local Korean houseboy Ho-Jon (Patrick Adiarte). They receive mail from home, Trapper from his wife, and Hawkeye from his alma mater in Maine. However this means they need to raise $2000 for a deposit and transportation to get him there. They come with the idea to host a party and raffle to win a weekend pass into Tokyo, and the date with a nurse. Hawkeye has been flirting with the engaged Lt. Maria “Dish” Schneider (Karen Philipp) and manages to talk her into being the date. Henry agrees to issue the passes initially, but when Hawkeye and Trapper get in a fight with Frank, he rescinds his offer and tells them they can no longer have the party. They also find out he will be off base having dinner with Brigadier General Hamilton Hammond  (G. Wood) the night the party is scheduled for. Radar tricks Henry into signing two passes as planned and they move forward with the party. In order to get Frank out of the picture, they drug him and wrap him like a patient. During the party, Margaret becomes suspicious and phones General Hammond, with whom she once had an affair. The event raises $1800, and Hawkeye rigs the raffle so that the winner is the unit chaplain Lt. Father Francis John Patrick Mulcahy (George Morgan). Margaret finds Frank and wakes him just as Henry and General Hammond return. They are both ready to have Hawkeye and Trapper arrested, but then incoming wounded are announced and they ask to wait until after surgery to be arrested. They enlist General Hammond to assist in surgery, and he is so impressed with their work, he warns Henry not to lose them as surgeons. Odessa Cleveland is Lt. Ginger Bayliss. John Orchard is Capt. “Ugly John” Black. Linda Meiklejohn is Lt. Leslie Scorch. Laura Miller is Knocko. Bruno Kirby is Pvt. Lorenzo Boone. Jamie Farr is the speaker announcer. 11/8/20

• 002. To Market, to Market – 9/24/1972
  • During surgery, Hawkeye and Trapper find out that they have no hydrocortisone remaining. After chastising Margaret for it, Frank tells them that it was stolen off the supply truck on its way in, but more is coming. However, when the next truck arrives, the driver (John C. Johnson) opens up the truck to find he’s been hijacked too. Meanwhile Henry has gotten a new antique oak desk that he is admiring when Hawkeye and Trapper demand that he call General Hammond to try and get more. Hawkeye places the call and gives it to Henry, but they have no luck with him. The guys decide to go directly to the black market, so Rader finds them a dealer named Charlie Lee (Jack Soo) in Seoul. They go to see him, but find out that it will cost $10,000 and they are unable to come up with anything else he will want. However, Hawkeye remembers Henry’s new desk, so they disguise Charlie as a visiting General and bring him to see the desk. He accepts the offer, and they plan to meet in the morning with a truck to take the desk and drop off the medicine. The guys run into trouble trying to take it apart to get it out of Henry’s office in the middle of the night. First they can’t get it apart, then Frank and Margaret enter the office separately because they think they hear a noise, but wind up leaving together, locking them in. They get Radar to stall the driver Lin (Robert Ito), and then take apart the back wall of Henry’s office. Frank runs off Lin, and finds the guys outside with the desk, but they’ve covered it up and are acting as if they are having Mass. With no way to get the desk to Seoul, they tie it to the helicopter and have it fly the desk to Seoul. Frank finds everything suspicious, so he goes to get Henry. They return to find the desk and office wall gone, and then see the desk fly away overhead, as they watch it dumbfounded. Later Charlie makes good on the deal and drops off the medicine. Henry nearly recognizes him and asks if he is related to a General. 11/8/20
• 003. Requiem for a Lightweight – 10/1/1972
  • When Nurse Margie Cutler (Marcia Strassman) shows up at the 4077th, both Hawkeye and Trapper are smitten, and both fall all over each other in their efforts to pursue her. Margaret however is irritated by the attention they are giving her and has her transferred to another unit. The guys go to Henry to intervene, but he says that Margaret is in charge of the nurses. When General Wilson Spaulding Barker (Sorrell Booke) asks Henry to contribute a man to the inter-camp boxing match, Henry says if they come up with a boxer, he’ll see what he can do to help get Nurse Cutler back. Hawkeye makes an excuse that he threw his shoulder out, and finally is able to talk Trapper into taking the match. He coaches him to try to get him back into shape, but when they see the size of the competition Sgt. ‘Killer’ Flacker (Mike McGirr), they know Trapper won’t have a chance. They ultimately visit Ugly John, who gives them the idea to soak Trapper’s boxing glove in ether. When Henry finds out about it, he takes the opportunity to put up a $200 bet with the General. Frank however talks to Margaret about it, and the swap the ether for tap water. Trapper takes a beating during the first round but is saved by the bell. Hawkeye realizes that the ether has been swapped, and he manages to go grab more ether and soak the glove between rounds. This time Flacker does indeed fall asleep when Trapper gets him in the clinches, falling out of the ring and landing on Frank and Margaret. 1/15/20
• 004. Chief Surgeon Who? – 10/8/1972
  • After more bickering between Frank and Hawkeye, Frank files a formal grievance with Henry against Hawkeye and the lack of respect he shows him, considering that Frank is a Major, and Hawkeye is only a Captain. Henry attempts to resolve this issue by making Hawkeye the Chief Surgeon, to whom Frank will have to answer to in the operating room. Frank is livid, and while Hawkeye gets a celebratory party full of mock pomp, Frank starts to pen a complaint to General Barker, but while making out with Margaret, they break his typewriter. Margaret calls the General directly and invite him to come see his Chief Surgeon in action. When he arrives, he is told by Frank and Margaret that there is a patient awaiting surgery while Hawkeye is playing poker with Trapper, Ugly John, and Captain Kaplan (Jack Riley). Hawkeye disrespectfully explains that the patient needs blood and doesn’t plan on the surgery for another 90 minutes. The General goes in search of Henry, finding Private Lorenzo Boone (Bob Gooden) hiding a nurse under his clothes, Spearchucker playing strip dominoes with Nurse Ginger, Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger (Jamie Farr) dressed in a woman’s skirt trying to claim that he is crazy so that he gets home, and Radar drinking Henry’s brandy and smoking his cigars at his desk. When he finally finds Henry, he is collecting worms with Leslie. The General is not amused by the madhouse and, as a doctor himself, demands to accompany the surgery. Hawkeye finds a hole in the lung of the patient that the General would have missed. The General issues an apology to Hawkeye and says he won’t be back unless there is a real issue… just as Klinger makes another appearance, this time in the nude. The next time in the operating room, Frank asks Hawkeye for his assistance. 1/16/21
• 005. The Moose – 10/15/1972
  •  When Hawkeye meets the visiting Sergeant Baker (Paul Jenkins), he immediately takes issue with his use of the world ‘gook’, and then even more so when Ho-Jon tells him that the young lady Young Hi (Virginia Ann Lee) accompanying him is a ‘moose’ servant girl that he purchased from her family in Seoul. Hawkeye and Trapper try to get Henry to do something, but he doesn’t think he can get any results. Hawkeye tries to pull rank and order him to release her, but is quickly told that his authority doesn’t extend that far. Hawkeye then tries to buy her himself, but Baker refuses. Finally, Hawkeye, Trapper, and Ugly John arrange a game of poker, with Radar looking at Baker’s cards with binoculars, telling Hawkeye how to bet. Eventually he has taken $1000 from Baker and has an I.O.U. from him for an additional $1200. Baker has no choice but to turn over Young Hi to Hawkeye. He tries to release her, but she won’t hear of it and starts waiting him, and even when he sends her back to Seoul to her family, she returns. They then train her to assist in the operating room for the time being, while Ho-Jon goes to get the patriarch of her family. It winds up being her younger brother Benny (Craig Jue), and he finally agrees to take her with intention of selling her again. After she leaves, she quickly returns and says that they men have taught her to live her own life. Later the men get a letter from Young Hi, who is now living in a convent. Barbara Brownell is Hawkeye’s minefield date Lt. Jones. 5/11/21
• 006. Yankee Doodle Doctor – 10/22/1972
  • General Crandall Clayson (Herb Voland) is starring in and narrating a documentary of the M*A*S*H units, and assigns the director Lt. Dwayne Bricker (Ed Flanders) and his cameraman Sgt. Martin (Bert Kramer) to the 4077th to gather footage for the film. He wants one doctor to be the focus of the film, and in order to keep it from being Frank, Hawkeye agrees to fill the role. However, he quickly becomes irritated when the filming of their work interferes with their job, and he takes issue with doing things for dramatic effect. When Hawkeye and Trapper find out that Bricker has chose Frank to write and perform the narration, and he mentions using the phrase ‘Yankee Doodle Doctor’, they decide to break into Bricker’s tent and burn the footage that they’ve taken so far. Henry tries to talk Bricker into staying and trying again, but Bricker leaves. Hawkeye and Trapper get Martin to stay, and they shoot their own documentary footage as a comedy called Yankee Doodle Doctor with Hawkeye acting as Groucho Marx and Trapper as Harpo. However at the end of the film, Hawkeye tacks on a serious narrative of him talking about the fact that after all they do, at the end of the day, they cannot keep up with the casualties, and that unlike the movies, there is not happy ending. The screen the film for General Clayson, and although Henry is mortified with embarrassment, Clayson does see the humor in it, and decides to save and use Hawkeye’s final speech, as well as a copy of the comedy for his personal amusement. Tom Sparks is the corpsman. 5/11/21
• 007. Bananas, Crackers and Nuts – 11/5/1972
  • After an exceptionally long session of surgery, Hawkeye and Trapper decide they need a few days of rest in Tokyo, but Henry is on his way out to play golf, leaving Frank in charge. Since they know they won’t have a chance of him writing the leave order, Hawkeye feigns being mentally unstable by showing up in the mess hall in his surgery attire and uses surgery tools to eat his steak. Frank and Margaret watch in horror, and decide it might be best to give him the leave. Frank later has second thoughts, believing that Hawkeye might be faking, so they call in Army psychiatrist Captain Philip G. Sherman (Stuart Margolin) to examine him. Hawkeye won’t take him seriously, and tells Sharman that he is actually in love with Frank Burns, but can’t get anywhere because Frank only has eyes for Margaret, whom Sherman himself also pines for. When Henry returns, Sherman tells him about his plans to take Hawkeye to Tokyo for observation. Even though Henry tries to explain how much of a practical joker Hawkeye is, Frank and Margaret like the idea of getting rid of him, so they won’t vouch for the fact that he’s probably faking. Hawkeye is outraged when Sherman tells him of his plans, so he sets a plan in motion, whereby Radar convince Sherman that Margaret really has taken a liking to him. Radar then directs Sherman toward Margaret’s tent for him to sleep in. Then when Margaret returns to her tent that night, she finds Sherman, who now is convinced that she likes him, and showers her with affection. She screams bloody murder until they’ve woken up the camp. When Henry comes running, Sherman agrees to clear out of the camp first thing in the morning. Henry gives Hawkeye and Trapper a week’s rest and relaxation, but as they’re getting ready to leave, a chopper approaches and they have to abandon their plans. 9/5/21
• 008. Cowboy – 11/12/1972
  • Helicopter pilot John “Cowboy” Hodges (Billy Green Bush) brings in a wounded soldier, and is shout in the shoulder himself. The injury is minor, but Cowboy is more worried about a letter that’s never come from his wife. He asks Hawkeye if he can get Henry to sign off on sending him back to the states for leave. Henry disappoints Hawkeye by telling him that the injury isn’t severe enough. Henry also gets on the bad side of Trapper, when he wants to borrow Henry’s jeep to go on a date with a nurse. Thanks to the tattling of Frank, Henry declines Trapper’s request as well. Hawkeye thinks that Henry needs some relaxation himself as the war seems to be hardening him. Hawkeye builds a golf course around the camp, and he, Henry, and Ho-Jon go golfing… until someone takes a shot at Henry’s golf ball. That night, Henry’s jeep runs through his tent, and then the latrine blows up while Henry is in it. Everyone one in the camp becomes convinced someone is trying to kill him, causing everyone to avoid being around him. Since Cowboy has a gun and makes some comments about a snake being in the camp, Hawkeye comes to suspect that Cowboy is culprit. Radar talks Henry into leaving camp for a while and heading to Seoul to do some work, but as Hawkeye and Trapper are investigating the explosive devices they find in Cowboy’s bag, Cowboy has volunteered to take Henry to Seoul in his helicopter. As Cowboy is trying to push Henry out of the chopper without a parachute, Radar brings the long-awaited letter from Cowboy’s wife, and Trapper and Radar radio his chopper and read him the letter. Although it initially sounds like a separation letter, it ends up with a happy ending. Chopper returns Henry to camp, and is sent to the states, where he is diagnosed with battle fatigue and worry, and is able to enjoy a month’s leave with his wife. Joseph Corey is patient Goldstein. Mike Robelo is the cook. Jean Powell is Nurse Baker. 9/5/21
• 009. Henry, Please Come Home – 11/19/1972
  • After a particularly rough night of surgery, with most of the surgeons picking at each other, Henry warns Hawkeye and Trapper that one day he might not be there to intercede in their arguments with Frank. Sure enough, Radar brings word from General Hammond that the unit has achieved a 90% efficiency rating, and the Army wants to send Henry to Tokyo to do some training there. Everyone bids their farewell to Henry, but when Hawkeye and Trapper see that it is Frank who is moving his things into the commanding officer’s headquarters, their jaws hit the floor. Immediately Frank starts cracking down on the law, calling for a bugle in the morning for calisthenics, and even going so far as to take the still out of the Swamp. Hawkeye, Trapper, Spearchucker, Ugly John, and Boone discuss ways they could get rid of Frank, but most ideas simply come down to killing him. They then decide that they were happiest when Henry was there, and they think the only wat o get Henry back is to make him feel needed. Radar forges Hawkeye and Trapper two passes to Tokyo, and they go and visit Frank. Between hot tubbing, massages, and sushi, they try to convince Henry how much he is needed, especially by his nurse lady friend Leslie. When none of that works, they have Leslie call for Hawkeye and then ‘let it slip’ that Radar has been suffering abdominal pains and they are having trouble controlling it. This is enough to get Henry to order a chopper to take them all back. Although Frank thinks Radar is faking, Henry gives Radar an inspection and decides he needs to open him up and look inside. Frank forbids him to do it, and the two of them get into an argument. By this time, Henry has had enough and says he’s going to get with General Hammond and get reinstated to his old position. Radar jumps up to get the message to Hammond, thus proving Frank was correct about him faking. Still, Henry decides that he’s going to stay and continue what he started. He briefly tries to crack down on the rules… but falls flat when Hawkeye offers him a drink from the still. Bill Svanoe is an aide, Jean Pleet is a nurse, Noel Toy is Mama San, and Kasuko Sakuro is Cho-Cho. 3/5/22
• 010. I Hate a Mystery – 11/26/1972
  • While Hawkeye, Trapper, and Spearchucker play poker and Ho-Jon serves martinis, Frank discovers that the silver frame surrounding his mother’s picture is missing. After accusing the guys, he goes over to Margaret’s tent to complain about it, only to find that she is missing her hairbrushes. Henry attempts to give Leslie the gift of a new fishing reel, but finds the box empty. More items start to come up missing, including Trapper’s watch and Hawkeye’s swizzle stick. Henry calls a meeting during mess and asks that when he turns the lights out, all items will be returned. However, once the lights are turned back on, they find that more items are missing. Henry decides that he and Radar will do a tent-by-tent search for the missing items. When the get to Hawkeye’s bed, they find all of the missing items in his foot locker. Although Hawkeye maintains his innocence, Henry assigns Radar to follow Hawkeye around and keep an eye on him. Hawkeye quickly gets sick and tired of this, so he develops a plan, and turns on the loudspeaker and has a conversation with Henry. He says that the choppers will soon be bringing chemicals to get fingerprints off the missing items. Henry tells him that the items are all safely in his desk drawer. Sure enough, the thief takes the bait, and steals all of the missing items from Henry’s drawer. Hawkeye calls a meeting of everyone, and then gives a summation, highlighting why each and every person in the room had a motive for the crime. He then says that he treated the stolen items with a chemical that would turn the thief’s fingernails blue. Everyone shows their nails, but Ho-Jon keeps his hidden under the table. Once he sees them, he shows that they’re not blue. Hawkeye then says he’s bluffing, but Ho-Jon’s guilt is obvious. He admits he took the things to bribe the border guards, so he could bring his family to him. Everyone agrees to let Ho-Jon keep the money, and even offers to give him more. Ho-Jon says he already has it, as he’s been stealing Hawkeye’s poker winnings. Bonnie Jones is Lt. Barbara Bannerman. 3/6/22
• 011. Germ Warfare – 12/10/1972
  • While making the rounds, Frank wants to transfer a North Korean soldier named Pi (Byron Chung) to the P.O.W. camp, while Pierce and Trapper want to allow him more time to recover. They also try to get him some Type AB Negative blood which is rare, but even Henry won’t support the request. Henry is ready to side with Frank, until Pierce finally tells him he is become a regular Army clown, at which time he tells them to take all the time they need, but to move him out of post-op. They wind up moving him into Hawkeye’s cot in the Swamp, much to Frank’s irritation. Radar finds out from his files that Frank has the Type AB Negative blood that they need, so when Frank is asleep, Hawkeye and Trapper draw his blood and give Pi a transfusion. The next day, they find Hepatitis symptoms in Pi, so they realize there is a possibility that the infected blood came from Frank. They trick Frank into testing some of their beer, and then Radar tells him the latrine is closed, so he has to go in a bucket. They send it out with the driver Boone to be tested. For the next two hours, they vow to keep Frank away from the patients and away from Margaret. When it becomes clear that Frank and Margaret are planning to meet in the Supply Tent, Radar tells Frank that Henry wants to see him, while Hawkeye tells Margaret that Dish needs her help. The eventually realize the guys have sent them on wild goose chases, but by this time it is time for their hospital duty. With the results not yet back, Hawkeye and Pierce have no choice but to tell Frank he may have Hepatitis and that they stole his blood. He is furious, but plans to operate anyway, so Trapper handcuffs him with his arms around Margaret. Radar then runs in with the report, showing that he does not have Hepatitis… but has Anemia. Frank is forced to rest in the barracks, where he plays Checkers with Pi. Hawkeye and Trapper bring Frank flowers to ask for his forgiveness. He is ready to forgive them… until Hawkeye mentions using him for a heart transplant that a patient needs. 7/8/22
• 012. Dear Dad – 12/17/1972
  • With Christmas approaching, Hawkeye writes a letter to his father back home in Vermont. He talks about the tension in the operating room, Henry’s lack of leadership, and how Father Mulcahy is putting up decorations around the camp and in the recovery room. He talks about how Radar is mailing home a Jeep piece by piece. Henry attempt to nervously give a monthly lecture, this one on Marital Sex and the Family, where he is heckled by Hawkeye, Trapper, and the other men. He tells his father how helpful Trapper is with the locals, from giving the children vaccines to helping a farming family deliver a calf. He talks about how Father Mulcahy is able to diffuse a very dangerous situation when Henry tells Klinger that he can’t wear a scarf that his mother sent him, and then causes Klinger to drop specimens that he was sent to deliver to the lab. He and Frank get into a fist fight, but the Father breaks it up, and sends him away so he isn’t arrested by an M.P. (Buck Young). Klinger then returns with a live grenade that he intends to use on Frank, but the Father is able to calm him down and gets him to hand over the grenade to him. Hawkeye tells his father about the affair between Frank and Hot Lips, and about the time when they knew they were going to have a date, that they went into Hot Lips’ tent before it and rigged it so that the candle couldn’t be blown out, the cot would collapse, the pillow was filled with pudding, and that the tent would ultimately collapse. Later Hawkeye plants a huge Christmas kiss on Hot Lips and she doesn’t seem to mind at all. Hawkeye dresses to play Santa Claus at the Christmas party for the local kids, but after he gets into uniform, he is called away on an emergency to the front lines to attend to a Corporal (Gary Van Ormand) who has been hit. Hawkeye is flown in by helicopter and climbs down a rope dressed as Santa. After doing his work, he returns to the Swamp where he finishes off the letter by sending greetings from all his fellow men and women from the 4077. William Katt is the P.F.C. with the Corporal. Lizbeth Deen is Nurse Becky. 7/8/22
• 013. Edwina – 12/24/1972
  • The 4077 throws a surprise birthday party for extremely accident-prone nurse Edwina “Eddie” Ferguson (Arlene Golonka), but as soon as they all start to sing For He’s a Jolly Good Fellow to her, she runs out of the tent crying. Margie runs after her to see what is wrong and Eddie tells her that her fiancé back home named Seymour Chomkey, but he was drafted into the Korean war. Then he only wrote to her one time, so she joined up to hopefully meet another man. Now she is getting shipped home and never met a man. While Hawkeye is trying to make time with Margie, she laments the fact that none of the men have every asked her out. In fact, she gets with her fellow nurses, and they lay out an ultimatum to the men that if no one asks out Eddie, no one will get any action from any of them. Hawkeye is turned down by Margie. Henry gets turned down by Leslie. The men hold their own meeting and agree that one of the men will ask out Eddie. Frank finds the whole idea repugnant, but he does find it hilarious when they draw straws that it is Hawkeye who gets the short straw. Hawkeye fulfills his duty and joins her in the mess tent for some conversation. She can’t understand why he is flirting with her while Hawkeye tries to avoid getting hit with food due to her clumsiness, but she accepts a date with him when Hawkeye asks her out. The guys help get Hawkeye ready and the gals help Eddie with her kimono, as they enjoy an Eastern themed date in one of the tents. Hawkeye tries his best, and she tries to let him off the hook, but the net sum of the evening is that Hawkeye hit in the eye by her head, steps on glass that she breaks, and even when they try to dance, he is run into the heater and burned. Hawkeye curls up on the bed and they share a nice kiss. Eddie is very grateful for the evening, but then knocks over the heater chimney which hits Hawkeye on the head and covers him in ashes and soot. After Eddie leaves for home, Margie tells Hawkeye that she missed him chasing him around the last couple of weeks. He says he can only find grace attractive for so long, so she stomps on his foot. 11/1/22
• 014. Love Story – 1/7/1973
  • Radar seems incredibly off his game, not able to eat, and screwing up even the simplest requisitions. Henry even found him lying in the desk in the fetal position. Hawkeye and Trapper give him a physical examination which yields no physical issues. They have a conversation with Radar, and he shares a record that he received from his fiancé Linda Sue, in which she dumps him in favor of Radar’s friend Elroy Fimple. He then returns to the fetal position. The guys start making the rounds to see if any of the nurses will go out with Radar, but they all turn the offer down. Hawkeye can’t convince Margie, and Trapper can’t convince Lt. O’Brien (Indira Danks aka Stefanianna Christopherson). When Hawkeye tries to describe how a date with Radar is with Lt. Jones, she and Hawkeye wind up making out. When two new Lieutenant nurses show up, there appears to be a spark between one of them, Lt. Louise Anderson (Kelly Jean Peters) and Radar. Hawkeye finds out what interests Louise has, and they include classic literature and music. Hawkeye and Trapper attempt to give a primer to Radar on books and music, and although Radar has no idea what he’s talking about it, it is enough to make Louise interested in talking to him. This seems to get Radar’s mind off of being dumped, but soon Margaret complains to Henry that it is against the rules for enlisted men to fraternize with officers. She demands that he put it a stop to it under threat of going above his head to General Clayton. Henry indirectly gives Hawkeye and Trapper permission to interfere with her affair with Frank Burns. While watching an instructional film, Radar has Margaret report to the hospital and Hawkeye sneaks into her place so that Frank grabs Hawkeye’s leg during the movie. Margaret starts to get impatient waiting to see Frank, but when they make a date, the guys spike his cologne, so he passes out. For their next date, Radar again has Margaret report to the hospital where the Sergeant (Jerry Harper) tells her that he didn’t send for her. When Frank sneaks into Margaret’s tent, they find Hawkeye and Trapper in her bed. Margaret is so upset that she agrees to ease up on Radar and Louise if they will leave her alone. Louise and Radar return to having lunch together, but Hawkeye and Trapper notice that as she talks about Bach to him, Radar has fallen asleep. 11/2/22
• 015. Tuttle – 1/14/1973
  • Hawkeye and Trapper assist the nun Sister Theresa (Mary-Robin Redd) with securing supplies for the orphanage. When she wants to know who to thank, Hawkeye manufactures a Captain Jonathan Tuttle, the name of his childhood imaginary friend, to give credit to. When Henry sees Tuttle’s signature on a requisition, he questions who Tuttle is. Radar convinces him that he’s met him and had breakfast with him recently. Henry notes that Major Burns has volunteered to be Officer of the Day again, and he wants different men to volunteer and tells Radar to get Captain Tuttle to volunteer. When Frank finds out that Tuttle is taking his place for the assignment, Frank feels that the man is ignoring him. He tries to get a look at Tuttle’s personnel file, but Radar tells him he will need authorization from Colonel Blake. In the meantime, Hawkeye and Trapper manufacture a fake profile for Tuttle, one that will be particularly alluring to Margaret. When Radar overhears that Margaret is going to call General Clayton, Radar calls ahead to Seoul and talks to Sgt. Sparky Pryor (Dennis Fimple) and asks him to route the call back to him when he gets the call from Margaret. Hawkeye poses as Clayton on the phone and tells Margaret that he personally sent Tuttle to the 4077. Frank then asks Henry to make Tuttle his bunkmate, but Henry is against playing any sort of politics. Henry calls for Tuttle to come see him, but no one shows up. Frank starts looking all over the camp for him, but between Hawkeye, Trapper, and Radar, they keep sending him to other areas of the camp. Meanwhile, Hawkeye realizes that Tuttle hasn’t been paid in months, so they put in a request with the finance officer (Jakes Sikking). He comes in person and brings the pay, and Hawkeye poses as Tuttle and signs for it. He also specifies that Tuttle’s future pay go directly to Sister Theresa’s orphanage. The word gets back to General Clayton, and he wants to come to the camp and give Tuttle a commendation. Everyone shows up for the ceremony… except for Tuttle. Hawkeye reports that Tuttle was killed in action while doing field surgery, jumping out of the helicopter without his parachute. Hawkeye delivers an inspiring eulogy in front of the camp. Later, Radar asks where they got Tuttle’s parachute and dog tags. They tell him they came from Major Murdock, Tuttle’s replacement… who Hawkeye had breakfast with that morning. NOTE: Captain Tuttle is billed as himself. 12/17/22
• 016. The Ringbanger – 1/21/1983
  • Hawkeye and Trapper operate on Col. Buzz Brighton (Leslie Nielsen) to remove a bullet from his rear end. Margaret and Frank recognize him as a famous Colonel whose picture was in Stars & Stripes. Hawkeye and Trapper invite him back to the swamp for drinks, and although they get along well, the guys note that he is very hawkish and has killed an extraordinary number of men. He is also anxious to get back to his men and doesn’t want to give his injury the proper care. They note that his personality is one that dictates that he taps his ring as he’s chatting. The guys decide that he needs some time away from the war, and they begin to scheme how they can keep him there longer and away from the front lines. They take a look at his medical history and find that he is in tip top condition. Meanwhile, Frank is adamant that Brighton should be released and feels as if they are just keeping him around because they’ve become drinking buddies, so Henry gives him permission to give Brighton a physical. Leslie overhears Frank telling this to Henry, and then she tells they guys. They start to work on Brighton by telling him that he may feel so well because of possible inflammation of the femur. Brighton wants to get a second opinion, but the guys convince him that Henry is a drunk and that Frank is gay. When Frank tries to examine Brighton, he won’t let Frank touch him. They also start to convince Brighton into questioning his own sanity by switching the contents of his tent with another one. Margaret also is an advocate for releasing him, but Hawkeye and Trapper tell her that he is suffering mentally and has lost all of his confidence as an officer and a man. Margaret, who already has a crush on him, thanks them for the information, and gets herself ready and plans a visit with him. Hawkeye and Trapper make sure Frank know this as well, then tell Brighton that Margaret is Henry’s girl and that they’re both drunks. Hawkeye then shares his bottle with Henry and he really does get drunk. Margaret tries to seduce Brighton, but he rebuffs her advances. Frank barges in to put a stop to it, and Brighton thinks that Frank is jealous of Margaret, and not him. Henry, Hawkeye, and Trapper then show up, and Henry is convinced that Brighton has battle fatigue, with which Brighton is starting to agree. An ambulance takes Brighton out the camp so he can return stateside to cool off for a couple of months. Later, as Frank complains about how the guys are driving him nuts, Hawkeye is wheeled in and asks for a nose job from Frank. Todd Susman is the unseen, uncredited P.A. announcer for the first of 47 times in the series. 12/18/22
• 017. Sometimes You Hear the Bullet – 1/28/1973
  • While Frank is having one of his romantic trysts with Margaret, he throws his back out. Margaret places him outside her tent and then gets Trapper and Hawkeye to help. Hawkeye is the more irritated as they have to interrupt him while he is being romantic with Lt. Nancy Griffin (Lynette Mittey).  Everyone gets annoyed when Henry finds out that Frank applies for a Purple Heart medal. Meanwhile, Hawkeye gets a visit from his old childhood friend Tommy Gillis (James Callahan), who has enlisted in the Army in order to write a book from a soldier’s point-of-view called You Never Hear the Bullet. He has based the title on a soldier who was shot and told him that he didn’t hear the bullet before he was shot, unlike what is normally seen and heard in the movies. Hawkeye also meets a young man named Wendell Peterson (Ron Howard) who needs an appendectomy. Hawkeye suspects that he is underage, and after trying to sneak away, he admits that he’s only fifteen and used his brother Wendell’s ID and that his real name is Walter. He joined the military to impress his girlfriend back home. Hawkeye promises to keep his secret if he will let himself heal before returning. When a new batch of wounded soldiers is shipped in, one of them is Tommy, who dies on the table. He tells Hawkeye that he did in fact hear the bullet like in the movies. Hawkeye tells him that he can change the book title to Sometimes You Hear the Bullet, and then he passes away. Hawkeye is affected deeply and move to tears. He decides to report Peterson to Margaret, which will cause him to get sent home. He is furious with Hawkeye, but Hawkeye wishes him a long, healthy grudge. Before he leaves, Hawkeye and Trapper swipe Frank’s Purple Heart and gives it to Walter to take home to impress his girlfriend. When Henry goes to present Frank with his award, there is a purple earring in its place. Fred Lerner and Chuck Hicks are the patients fighting over salami. 4/1/23
• 018. Dear Dad, Again – 2/4/1973
  • Hawkeye writes home to his father again, telling of him his misadventures in the 4077. He tells him about a new surgeon named Captain Adam Casey (Alex Henteloff), who is one of the best he’s seen. Hawkeye relates his tales of operating in the dark after a bomb knocks out their power, of Corporal Klinger who is wearing a bridal gown in hopes of being declared unfit for service. When Father Mulcahey hurts his back, Captain Casey helps him out, then confesses to him that he’s not really a licensed doctor. Hawkeye complains to Trapper that everyone walks around like a bunch of zombies. He bets Trapper $50 that he can walk into the mess tent and order lunch in the nude and that no one will notice. He nearly pulls it off, but at the last minute, everyone sees him. Radar tries to get a high school diploma via a correspondence course and talks Henry into signing off that he gave Radar the final exam. After Frank gets rebuffed by Margaret, he returns to the Swamp in a horrible mood. The guys get him drunk, but soon regret it when he won’t go to sleep that night. Radar finds out about Casey from his file and share it with Hawkeye. He lets Casey remain for one final chopper full of wounded, but then tells him that he’s not permitted to get near another patient until he is licensed. However, he tells him he’s one of the best he’s ever seen. Casey says he’s qualified as a teacher, lawyer, engineer, and doctor, but never had the patience to see a diploma through. He also tells Hawkeye that his real name is Schwartz. The unit has a charity no-talent night, and he performs with Hawkeye Pierce and His Swinging Surgeons, which includes Trapper, Radar, and Henry. Margaret sings My Blue Heaven with them. Casey, now posing as a priests, says his goodbyes to Hawkeye as he leaves. Gail Bowman is Nurse Powell, who Hawkeye is flirting with. 4/1/23
• 019. The Longjohn Flap – 2/18/1973
  • As the bitter cold sweeps South Korea, everyone is looking for ways to keep warm. The only one who seems quite comfortable is Hawkeye, because he is wearing a pair of long underwear that his father sent to him. His cozy elation is offset by Trapper, who is coming down with a cold and manages to guilt Hawkeye into letting him wear them. However, during a poker game, Trapper loses them to Radar, who unknowingly has two pairs – all tens – and beats his full house. Radar uses the Longjohns to impress Nurse Beddoes (Kathleen King), who agrees to a date with him. However, the mess cook (Joseph V. Perry) lures Radar from his date and offers him a leg of lamb in exchange for the Longjohns instead. When Frank goes into the mess area and finds several food code violations, he threatens to demote the cook, who then bribes him with the Longjohns. Hawkeye and Trapper are aghast when they see that Frank has them, but he doesn’t have them for long when Margaret demands a sacrificial gift from Frank. Klinger tries to get the Longjohns from Frank at gunpoint, but he tells Klinger that he has given them to Margaret. Before she can even wear them, Klinger steals them from her tent. He feels guilty and confesses to Father Mulcahy what he did, then turns them over to him. The Father wears them for one night and then turns them in to Henry, who promises he’ll look into finding the rightful owner, but plans to wear them himself in the meantime. Hawkeye and Trapper catch him in them and demand that he returns the pair to them. Before they can get them, Henry has an attack of appendicitis and Trapper and Hawkeye are forced to remove his appendix. As a token of thanks, Henry sends the Longjohns via Radar back to Hawkeye. Before he can put them on, Trapper is quick to start his cold symptoms again, but this time Hawkeye isn’t falling for it. 4/3/23
• 020. The Army-Navy Game – 2/25/1973
  • Radar is taking bets for the football for the upcoming Army-Navy game, even getting Father Mulcahy to buy a spot. Just as Henry, Radar, Hawkeye, Trapper, and a couple of nurses are getting ready to enjoy listening to the game on the radio, the unit come under heavy artillery fire. Everyone does their part to make sure that everyone in the hospital is taken care of and as protected as possible. Henry is hit by fragments in his office, which knocks him for a loop. Frank claims that with Henry out of commission that he is in charge, although he really has no idea what to do. They all hear an incoming bomb, but when it lands, it doesn’t explode. Radar gets hold of Colonel Hersh (Alan Manson), who is also listening to the game back at headquarters, who tells them to stay put since the sector is being hit hit heavily. He tells them to use a stethoscope on the bomb to see if it is still ticking, and to call back with the bomb’s serial numbers so he can instruct how to diffuse it. Frank, Hawkeye, and Trapper draw matchsticks to see who gets to check the bomb. Frank draws the short match but faints before he can get out to check it. Hawkeye and Trapper play odds and evens to go check it, and Hawkeye loses. He goes out to check for the ticking and get the serial numbers, and then calls them in. Henry finally sobers up after his hit. Hersh can’t identify the serial numbers and recommends that the unit check with the Navy. Klinger changes out of his female duds and dresses in a suit, thinking that if the bomb goes off, this will be how he is remembered. He also wants to make sure that the Father knows the true reason he dresses like a woman, which is to get out of the Army. Henry gets hold of Commander Sturner (John A. Zee) with the Naval Operations in Seoul. Frank and Margaret have champagne, while Radar and Henry drink Brandy and smoke cigars, and Hawkeye, Trapper, and Ugly John play poker as they all wait for something to happen. Radar confesses his crush on nurse Lt. Mason (Bobbie Mitchell), and she agrees to visit the supply tent with him. Sturner finally calls back and has tracked down the source of the bomb: the C.I.A. He tells Henry that if the bomb stops ticking, it will go off in two minutes. With the disarming instructions in hand, Hawkeye and Trapper attempt to disarm the bomb, and soon it stops ticking. At this point, they all run for cover. When the bomb explodes, it merely sends propaganda leaflets from Douglas MacArthur into the air. The Navy beats the Army 42-36, and Father Mulcahy wins the pool. Radar tries to hit on another nurse, but it turns out to be Klinger. Sheila Lauritsen is Nurse Hardy. 4/4/23
• 021. Sticky Wicket – 3/4/1973
  • Hawkeye, Trapper, Ugly John, and Radar are pulled away from a poker game when the choppers arrive with incoming wounded. While working in the operating room, Frank snipes at Hawkeye about too much chatter, and Hawkeye snaps back by telling him how horrible of a doctor he is. Later in the mess hall, Frank confronts Hawkeye about why he is so nasty to him, and Hawkeye goes on about how often he asks for help, and how lousy of a doctor he is on top of his personality flaws. Just as Henry is getting ready to go to sleep, Radar tells him that Margaret wants to see him under threat of filing a report on Hawkeye. Henry sends for Hawkeye who is also trying to sleep, but he refuses to apologize or make amends with Frank. During the next round of operating, Hawkeye removes shrapnel near the spine of a soldier named Private Thompson (Wayne Bryan). Although everything seems to have gone well, the next day Lt. Nancy Griffin (Lynnette Mettey) tells Hawkeye that Thomspon has a fever and is feeling abdominal pain. Hawkeye doesn’t understand why and begins to obsess over it. When Frank makes a comment about Hawkeye making a mistake, Frank physically attacks him, leading to a small brawl in the mess tent. Hawkeye can think of nothing else, and refuses to play poker, go to the movies, or keep a date with Barbara. They guys in the Swamp start to annoy Hawkeye with their chatter, so he moves out of the tent and into the supply tent. Henry tells Hawkeye that he needs to stop obsessing and get some perspective and suggests that Hawkeye might be more concerned with his ego than the patient. Margaret meets with Hawkeye and asks if there might have been more fragments that might have nicked the small intestine. Suddenly, in the middle of the night, Hawkeye has a revelation, and he wakes up Margaret and Ugly John to assist in opening Thompson back up. Sure enough, he discovers that shrapnel had also tore the back of sigmoid colon. Even Frank tells Hawkeye that anyone could have missed that. Trapper has to consider whether to let Hawkeye back into the Swamp, but ultimately takes pity on him and tells him he can’t throw out. 8/24/23
• 022. Major Fred C. Dobbs – 3/11/1973
  • After Hawkeye criticizes Frank in the operating room, and he in turn insults Nurse Ginger and reduces her to tears. Hawkeye and Trapper comfort her, and then later wrap Frank’s hand in a cast while he is sleeping. Frank storms in while Henry is being treated for a filling by Dr. Kaplan (Harvey J. Goldenberg), demanding that he be transferred to another M*A*S*H unit, after describing the numerous practical jokes Hawkeye and Trapper have played on him. Meanwhile, Radar is combing through the Korean hills looking for gold. He shows his discoveries to Trapper and Hawkeye the ‘gold’ he’s found, but they tell him that it is merely Pyrite. Henry grants Frank’s request for a transfer, and he breaks the news to Margaret… which the guys record on tape. They then play it over the loudspeaker, causing Margaret to be humiliated and demand a transfer as well. Henry is furious with Hawkeye and Trapper over losing a competent doctor and a head nurse thanks to them. He starts assigning them double-duty to fill the void of Frank and Margaret. Hawkeye then gets an idea to make Frank believe that there really is gold in the hills. Hawkeye and Trapper return home in the middle of the night whispering about the gold they found. They plant Henry’s old gold filling in the tent, which Frank conveniently finds. He then asks Margaret to take a walk with him and he discovers the Pyrite and thinks it is real gold. He then wakes up Henry to tell him that he doesn’t want the transfer after all. He tells Margaret about the gold and that he’s not leaving, so she too reluctantly agrees to stay. He takes her out to show her the gold, which is now rocks spray painted gold. He then notices that the loudspeaker is painted gold. Hawkeye and Trapper drive by them in a jeep painted gold as well. Later, Trapper and Hawkeye tell Frank that they’re sorry and that he did good work in the operating room. They promise never to make Frank look foolish again, then Hawkeye takes him in his arm and tries to kiss him. NOTE: This is the last episode to use the jazzy version of Suicide Is Painless for the lead-in.  8/24/23
• 023. Ceasefire – 3/18/1973
  • After a long and grueling night of surgery, Trapper and Hawkeye have Henry give them passes to head to Tokyo. Before they can leave, Henry gets a phone call from General Clayton, who tells him that it isn’t final yet, but that he has heard from CINCOMPAC that a cease-fire has been arranged. Trapper and Hawkeye overhear this, but Henry tells them not to spread it until it is official. However. Radar too has heard it and already started getting the word out. The entire camp begins celebrating, parading around the camp, and getting drunk. Klinger begins selling off his collection of ladies clothing. Trapper is less convinced that it is really going to happen, and he and Hawkeye make a bet over it. Hawkeye begins giving away souvenirs from the Swamp to Ho Jon. Margaret tells Frank that she won’t begrudge him for going back home to his work, family, and wife, but as she gets more and more drunk, her words turn bitter and she starts to threaten killing herself. Radar begins having everyone sign his scrapbook. He is disappointed with the responses, until Henry writes a more heartfelt inscription, and tells him that he thinks of him as a son. They make half-hearted plans to meet up for lunch in the outside world. Lt. Nancy Griffin and Nurse Margie Cutler both start talking to Hawkeye about getting married after the war, but he tells them both that he has a wife and kids at home. Lt. Barbara Bannerman hears the news about him and breaks it off preemptively. Henry hosts a cease-fire party with General Clayton in attendance. Hawkeye announces that he is throwing away all of his poker I.O.U.s, then shows a slide show of the photos of Clayton making time with Margaret, much to Frank’s annoyance. As everyone sings Auld Lang Syne, Radar hands Clayton a communication from CINCOMPAC that there is no cease-fire after all. They are then all called to tend incoming wounded. Later, Trapper and Hawkeye sit in the Swamp, which is now just the frame of the tent with almost no furnishings. 8/24/23
• 024. Showtime – 3/25/1973
  • A USO troupe featuring the Miller Sisters (Marilyn King, Jean Turrell, Joan Lucksinger) and comedian Jackie Flash (Joey Forman) perform for the moderately entertained doctors, nurses, and patients of the 4077th. Their interest waxes and wanes based on the material as the show alternates between the Miller Sisters singing the songs Give Me the Simple Life, Why Don’t We Do This More Often, Again, I Had the Craziest Dream, and You Make Me Feel So Young, and Flash telling his jokes. At one point, Radar is allowed to do a drum solo with the band. Interspersed with scenes of the performances are scenes of the units’ activities throughout the previous week. Hawkeye undermines Frank’s authority in front of others, which causes him to wage a war of practical jokes on Hawkeye as he rigs the still to spray in his face, rigs a bucket of water to fall on Hawkeye’s head, and causes the shower heads to spray water in the wrong shower when Hawkeye enters. Hawkeye finally retaliates by exposing Frank on the toilet by dropping the walls off of the officer’s latrine. Trapper has a difficult patient, whose blood pressure drops as Trapper removes shrapnel from his body. Trapper stands watch over him as all hope seems lost. Father Mulcahy questions whether his work actually does any good with the patients, whereas the doctors can see the result of their work. Hawkeye tells him that he’s not good enough to perform some of the miracles he’s seen. Kaplan gets his release papers and refuses to do anything that could cause an injury before he leaves. When the driver (Stanley Clay) comes to pick him up, Kaplan insists on driving and winds up crashing the jeep and winding up in the hospital, much to Hawkeye’s amusement. Henry desperately clings to communication back home when his wife goes into labor. She winds up having false labor, but later Radar gets word that she has had a little boy. Henry becomes depressed that he can’t see his son, so Radar arranges for Henry to hold the newborn baby of a Korean laundry woman (Oksun Kim). Trapper’s patient is on death’s door, so Father Mulcahy holds the patient’s hand and prays for him. His blood pressure quickly restores, and the patient wakes up, much to the relief of Trapper. Hawkeye tells Father Mulcahy that surely this proves his work is important. NOTE: This is the last appearance of John Orchard as Ugly John, although he later returns in a different role. Bruce Kimmel is the patient Private Gilbert. 8/26/23

SEASON 2

• 025. Divided We Stand – 9/15/1973
  • General Clayton has been getting reports that treating casualties so close to the frontlines is having adverse effects on the personnel of the 4077, so he goes over their profiles with psychologist Captain Hildebrand (Anthony Holland), and then sends him to visit the unit to assess their behaviors to see if they should be disbanded and dispersed to other units. Upon arrival, Hildebrand meets with Henry, to whom he tells the nature of his mission and orders him to keep it to himself. Hildebrand gets an eyeful before he even leaves Henry when Klinger visits his office in full female regalia. That night, Henry sends Radar to wake up Hawkeye and Trapper and have him meet him in the showers so that he can tell him the nature of Hildebrand’s visit. He also tells Frank and Margaret, and they are all for getting away from the 4077th, but Henry reminds him that Frank and Margaret may be separated too. Radar gets word out to everyone to be on their best behavior. The next morning, Hildebrand has breakfast in the mess tent with everyone, and Hawkeye and Trapper go overtime in telling Frank how great his last work in the O.R. was. They even claim they may all open a practice together after the war. However, it isn’t long before Hildebrand witnesses Frank going into Margaret’s tent, and Hawkeye and Trapper locking them inside. After watching them all day, he reads them his report which describes many of the doctors and nurses as childish and ill-fitting of the uniform. They all then start arguing with each other and showing their true animosity. However, when incoming wounded abruptly ends the meeting, Hildebrand sees them in action in the O.R. Although watching the whole process makes him ill, he amends his report. General Clayton shows up at the 4077, and as Hildebrand downs gin in the Swamp, he tells Clayton about all of the madness he has observed, but in the end states that it would be mad to separate this team. Bobbie Mitchell is Nurse Marshall. Lesley Evans is Nurse Bryan. Kellye Nakahara makes her first uncredited appearance as Nurse Kellye Yamato. 12/8/23
• 026. 5 O’Clock Charlie – 9/22/1973
  • A North Korean pilot, who the unit has dubbed 5 O’Clock Charlie, has been consistently flying over the 4077th for weeks, each time dropping a bomb by hand in an effort to hit the artillery dump that was placed just outside their camp. His aim has been so horrible that the unit announces his arrival daily, has a betting pool on how far away he will be from his target, and gathers around to watch him every afternoon. Frank and Margaret are the only ones who seem to take major issue with this, and Frank demands that Henry request an anti-aircraft machine gun to shoot him down. Hawkeye and Trapper are adamant that firing on him might bring more enemy action closer to the hospital and will interrupt their treatment of patients. Frank insists that he call General Clayton, who also participates in the daily pool, to make the request for the gun. The General comes to visit the unit, and when 5:00 rolls around, they head out near the ammo dump to watch the proceedings. This time, 5’O’Clock Charlie actually does some damage when he bombs the army jeep, which Clayton and the guys are watching from afar. This is enough to grand the request for the anti-aircraft gun. Frank brings in a trio of South Koreans to operate the gun and carry out the mission. Hawkeye, Trapper, and Radar show up in old military garb to mock them. That night, while listening to Captain Phil Cordozo  (Corey Fischer) play the guitar in the Swamp, Hawkeye and Trapper try to come up with a plan to keep Frank away from ordering his men to fire on 5 O’Clock Charlie. Cordozo suggests that they forget about Frank and instead focus on getting rid of the ammo dump, which will make the problem go away on its own. The guys turn to Nurse Klein (Sarah Fankboner) to borrow four dozen sheets, and then turn to Radar to requisition 18 gallons of mercurochrome. They uses these to create giant arrows to point the way to the ammo dump, and then cover it with blankets with a giant bullseye painted on top of it. They also try to keep Frank occupied in the O.R. and turn back the clock so he doesn’t know what time it is. By the time he hears Charlie fly over them, he has to rush to get to the site and is followed by Hawkeye and Trapper, who cause mass confusion by yelling out different coordinates for Frank’s men to fire upon. Charlie drops his bomb and misses the ammo again, despite all of the help given to him, but when Frank tells him men to fire, they are so confused that they hit the ammo and blow it up finally. The next evening, Hawkeye notes that it is 5:10 and that they miss Charlie. Lloyd Kino is Frank’s platoon leader. Deborah Newman is Nurse Richards. Jeff Maxwell is uncredited in his first appearance as Private Igor Straminsky. 12/9/23
• 027. Radar’s Report – 9/29/1973
  • Radar stays up late one night in October 1951, filling out his Weekly Activity Report and Personnel Record to be sent to the Commanding General in the Seoul Headquarters. The first item he details is an incident in the O.R. with a Chinese Communist soldier (Derick Shematsu) who has been shot in the rear-end being brought in. He is scared and alone, and when they put gas on his face, he jumps out of the bed and grabs a scalpel. Hawkeye has been flirting with a new nurse named Erika Johnson (Joan Van Ark), and she tries to calmly talk him into dropping the scalpel when he slices her hand. He also knocks over a IV supply of blood that Trapper’s patient was using. Klinger comes in with his rifle and the Communist slices his dress. Klinger then holds him at gunpoint until he drops the knife. Trapper’s patient then goes south with a high fever thanks to the lack of blood enabling Trapper to close him up. Meanwhile, Hawkeye starts visiting Erika but then sees that she is wearing a wedding ring. He then has a moral dilemma about dating a married woman. Although he is tempted to kiss her, he stops himself and confronts her about her marriage. She says she only wears her grandmother’s ring to keep men away from her. Radar also reports on Klinger, who is found drying his hair in Margaret’s tent, being found by Frank when he thinks he is Margaret and sneaks up and bites her neck. Frank and Margaret are so annoyed that they insist that Henry grand Klinger his wish and give him a Section 8. Henry then sends for a psychiatrist named Major Milton Freedman (Allan Arbus) who gives Klinger an examination. Although Trapper thinks his patient is recovering, he has a relapse and has to return to operate on him again when he becomes in critical condition. He ends up dying before Trapper can operate on him, while the Chinese Communist patient is making a full recovery. Trapper visits the Communist as he is recovering and considers pulling him off his meds. Hawkeye walks in and tells Trapper that this isn’t what they are about, which pulls Trapper out of his trancelike state and let out a sigh. Freedman tells Klinger that if he signs his report, he will be free to go. However, the report states that Klinger is a homosexual and a transvestite, which Klinger isn’t willing to agree to and refuses to sign. Hawkeye and Erika start dating, and soon Hawkeye is talking about marriage, which gets all over the camp. Erika visits Hawkeye and tells him that marriage isn’t in his plans. Hawkeye agrees that they can just enjoy their very short engagement, before she is shipped off to Tokyo anyway. Radar brings the report to Henry to sign. He insists on reading it before he signs it, and then declares that every week can’t be exciting. 12/9/23
• 028. For the Good of the Outfit – 10/6/1973
  • When a group of patients that are all from the peaceful Korean city of Thai-Dong are brought into the O.R., Hawkeye discovers from the shrapnel fragments he is pulling out of their bodies that the shelling they took was perpetrated by the United States. Hawkeye and Trapper report it to Henry, and he warns the guys that the Army doesn’t take kindly when soldiers rock the boat. Hawkeye and Trapper file the report together and they try to get Frank to sign it, but he doesn’t want to make any waves and refuses. The Army sends Major Stoner (Frank Aletter) with the Inspector General’s office to investigate the claims made by Hawkeye and Trapper. Stoner presents himself as a friendly investigator who truly wants to get to the bottom of the incident and tells Hawkeye that there might be a commendation for him for bringing this to their attention. When Frank overhears the kudos that Hawkeye is receiving, he jumps in and says he was the ranking operator in the hospital room that day. Frank wants to sign the report, but the Stoner tells him that it has already been fired. Margaret is furious that the guys never let him sign it, but Hawkeye sets her straight and says that they begged him to sign. Frank immediately starts to gather information to file his own report. Trapper later reads in the Stars and Stripes newspaper that Thai-Dong had been shelled by enemy fire. For over a week, Hawkeye can’t get hold of Stoner. When they finally do, Stoner says he had been sent to Okinawa, but promises that he is going to go to the top to get to the bottom of this. Hawkeye writes a letter to his father to try to get him to go to Senator Baxter to bring attention to this situation to the national level. Hawkeye later finds out that Hawkeye’s letter was stopped at Division Headquarters. Hawkeye is furious and threatens to tell it to the papers in Seoul, but Henry has to tell him that he has been placed under arrest and can’t leave camp. However, Henry has gotten word that the U.S. Army is helping to rebuild Thai-Dong. Hawkeye is still upset that the United States hasn’t admitted responsibility for the shelling. Hawkeye then calls General Clayton to come to the 4077th. When he arrives, Clayton tells Hawkeye and Trapper about the fact that they’re spending millions to rebuild Thai-Dong and maintains that it was North Korea who was responsible. The guys maintain that they turned over the American shrapnel to his team, but Clayton tells them that Stoner has been assigned to Hawaii. He also tells them that any report of them being agitators will follow them back home, and also lightly threatens that they could be sent to First Aid stations on the front lines. Hawkeye and Trapper understand the implications and decide that they’d better back off forcing the admission for their own good. Then Frank and Margaret enter with all of the evidence that they’ve gathered, including more American shrapnel. Clayton says that this situation requires some re-think and that even the Army has to take its lumps. Radar later interrupts Hawkeye during surgery to tell him that his father wrote back and indicated that Senator Baxter can’t help him because he was just indicted for influence peddling. Lesley Evans is now billed as Nurse Mason. Gwen Farrell is Nurse Butler, after being an uncredited nurse in 9 episodes in Season 1. 12/9/23
• 029. Dr. Pierce and Mr. Hyde – 10/13/1973
  • After being in surgery continuously for over 20 hours, Hawkeye is ready to hit the sack, but when he hears incoming wounded, he decides to return to the operating room. After another round or surgery, the process repeats. By this time, Hawkeye is growing weary and starts to lose his sense of reality. He wakes up Trapper and tells him that he’s figure out that there is a war going on that is causing young men to be flown in for surgery. Trapper tries to send Hawkeye to bed, but he heads over to sees Radar and has him send a telegram to President Truman to ask him who is responsible for the war. He also recalls listening to the song I’ll Be Home for Christmas on the radio during World War 2, and it moves him to tears. Hawkeye goes to see the helicopter pilot O’Brien (Buck Young) to asks him to not fly anymore because every time he does, he comes back with stretchers full of wounded. Just then, more wounded come in. After another round of surgery, Henry gets angry that Hawkeye is ignoring his orders to get some sleep. Henry then finds out that General Clayton is heading to the camp to find out who send the telegram to President Truman. Hawkeye goes looking for Frank at Margaret’s tent, but then finds him giving an orientation lecture to new enlisted men. Although Frank had just explained why they were in the war, Hawkeye demands further information about why the war was started. Frank blames the problem on the Communists and how they are envious of the American lifestyle since most of them have never even seen a bathroom. Hawkeye then becomes obsessed with the officers’ latrine and takes photos of it to try and barter with the Koreans to stop the war. Trapper and Radar conspire to give Hawkeye a sedative injection, but accidentally deliver it to Frank. With General Clayton on the way, Radar admits that he sent the telegram on behalf of Hawkeye. Henry gives Trapper the okay to try and sedate Hawkeye again, so he spikes his martini with pills. After Hawkeye drinks it, he chains a jeep to the latrine and attempts to deliver it to the North Koreans. General Clayton arrives at the camp, and makes his first stop at the latrine, and is consequently pulled away by Hawkeye. He winds up falling asleep at the wheel and is finally put to bed. Marcia Gelman makes her first uncredited appearance as Nurse Jacobs. 4/20/24
• 030. Kim – 10/20/1973
  • While operating on the wounded, Trapper and Hawkeye run across a boy named Kim (Edgar Miller), whom they take an instant liking to. They ask Radar to try and find out any information about his background so that they can return him to his parents in his village. They begin spoiling Kim by reading him trashy novels and giving him pickled onions and anchovy paste, arousing the ire of Frank and Margaret. Unfortunately, Radar is unable to find out any information. Henry gets in touch with a local nun named Sister Theresa (Maggie Roswell) in order to place Kim in an orphanage. When Trapper and Hawkeye find this out, they are furious and call Henry a bad guy, but Henry explains he has no choice as they can’t raise him in the hospital. He tells them that if they have any better ideas, he is willing to listen. Trapper writes home to his wife Louise and asks her opinion on adopting Kim and making him a brother to their two daughters Cathy and Becky. Everyone takes turns watching Kim as they wait for Trapper’s wife to respond to his letter, while Henry tells Sister Theresa that Kim is still too sick to move to the orphanage. Eventually, Trapper hears back from Louise, and tells him that she and the girls would love to have Kim as part of their family. Everyone celebrates, and Trapper and Hawkeye head out to tell Kim the news. Margaret and Frank are supposed to be taking him on a picnic, but they are caught making out on the blanket, while Kim has wondered off into a minefield. Everyone panics, and Margaret is able to communicate with him to stay in place. Hawkeye runs back to camp to find a map of the minefield so that Trapper can navigate it and retrieve him. Henry and Radar come along and bring the map, and Henry guides Trapper’s steps, before realizing he is looking at a World War 2 map of Berlin. O’Brien then shows up in his helicopter and drops a ladder over Trapper so that he can hold on and pick up Kim and get a ride to safety. Everyone cheers their safe rescue, and then Sister Theresa arrives with Kim’s real mother (Momo Yashima), and Kim runs safely to her arms. Trapper pretends that he never wanted a boy who would wander into a minefield anyway, even though it is obvious he is crushed. Lesley Evans is now billed as Nurse Mitchell. 4/20/24
• 031. L.I.P. (Local Indigenous Personnel) – 10/27/1973
  • During the evening’s movie screening, Hawkeye tries to make time with the nurse, Lieutenant Regina Hopkins (Corinne Comacho), but since she has to report to work a couple of hours later, she gives him nothing more than a handshake. Meanwhile Corporal Phil Walker (Jerry Zaks) visits the camp and asks the doctors to check out a crying baby, whose mother Kim, he has married in an unofficial Korean wedding. After Hawkeye determines the baby just has the colic, Walker tells Hawkeye that he is being sent home and wants his wife and baby to come with him. Hawkeye promises to see what he can do to help expedite military approval of the marriage. After Henry submits the application, he gets word that Lieutenant Willis (Burt Young) will be coming to investigate the request. Frank and Margaret complain to Henry that Radar is shirking his normal duties to focus on the marriage request. When Willis shows up, he tells Hawkeye he wants to interview him, even though it means Hawkeye had to delay his date with Regina. Hawkeye offers him some martinis, and over drinks, they discuss Walker and his reasons for wanting to get married. Willis determines that there is nothing unusual about the request that would make it stand out to be expedited, so Hawkeye tells him about the baby… just as he is passing out in his drunkenness. Trapper and Hawkeye place various items of ladies undergarments around him and tell him that they have pictures of him with several women. At first, he says he won’t be blackmailed, but then reconsiders the hassle it will cause and signs off for Walker to get married. Hawkeye finally gets his date with Regina, but as they are kissing, he tells her the reason he was late. She thinks Hawkeye was very sweet to help one of their men get married… until she finds out that Walker is marrying a ‘gook’. Hawkeye determines that despite her beautiful body, she has too many unappetizing ideas, so he leaves, takes his wine, and gives her the raspberry. Father Mulcahy later performs the wedding ceremony between Phil and Kim. 4/22/24
• 032. The Trial of Henry Blake – 11/3/1973
  • Henry and Radar head off to regimental headquarters, where Henry stand to face trial for charges filed by Majors Burns and Houlihan accusing Henry of being unfit to command. While Henry is gone, Frank assumes control of the camp and tells Hawkeye and Trapper to stop playing ping pong. General Maynard M. Mitchell (Robert F. Simon) and Major Murphy (Jack Aaron) present the charges to Henry, beginning with the fact that Henry allowed and participated in gurney races during the Kentucky Derby season, which included gambling and doctors pushing nurses on gurneys over a finish line. Henry simply defends himself by telling the General that after hours on end of surgery, the men and women need ways to cut loose. They also bring up the fact that someone was selling wing-tip shoes from the StyleRight Shoe Company. This ended up being Radar who got involved with the mail-order company. The General recesses for the evening, but keeps Henry under arrest at headquarters, promising to bring forth the most serious charges the next day: falsifying records and giving aid and comfort to the enemy. Radar heads back to the 4077th and tells this to Trapper and Hawkeye, and they all assume it has to do with Nurse Meg Cratty (Hope Summers). They decide that they will go with Radar the next day and bring Nurse Cratty with them. However, Frank, as commanding officer, puts them under arrest in their bare tent, where they have to sit around in their underwear while under the watchful eye of an M.P. (Roy Goldman). Klinger helps the guys prepare a drugged beer for the M.P., which knocks them out and allows them to escape the camp. After Henry has the charges read to him, which involve ordering extra medicines that were not only unused by the men they were treating, but went to the North Koreans, he has no defense and admits that he was guilty of the charges. Hawkeye and Trapper show up with Nurse Cratty and a North Korean woman (Haunani Minn), who was saved by the medicine that Henry helped provide. They tell the General that seven out of ten babies were dying after childhood until Henry helped them get the medicine they needed. Frank and Margaret show up as well to see that justice to Henry is served, and when General Mitchell says he is willing to expunge Henry’s record if Frank drops the charges, he refuses to do so. Hawkeye then shows Frank some ‘new evidence’ that makes both him and Margaret change their minds and agree to drop charges. The new evidence turns out to be a note from Hawkeye to Frank’s wife, telling her all about his relationship with Margaret. General Mitchell accompanies Henry back to camp so that he can see the 4077th for himself. Although Henry tells him that it just a normal hospital camp. Mitchell is able to witness Henry’s return, including Klinger dressed as a woman delivering him flowers, and the entire unit wearing wing-tip shoes. 4/22/24
• 033. Dear Dad… Three – 11/10/1973
  • As Trapper and Frank bicker while playing Gin, Hawkeye pens another letter to his father describing the trials and tribulations of life in the 4077th. He tells him how he recites poetry during surgery, which annoys Frank. They come across a patient named Sgt. Condon (Mills Watson), who wants to make sure that his blood transfusion comes from a white person. Meanwhile, a patient is brought in, who has a love grenade fired into his body. Hawkeye is able to successfully and safe remove it. As everyone celebrates with drinks after surgery, Hawkeye mentions to Trapper what Condon said to him. They decide to teach a lesson to him by gradually darken his complexion with makeup. Hawkeye also tells his father about the home movie from Illinois that his wife sent home, which he allows Radar to show to him, Hawkeye, and Trapper. Everyone gets emotional to see Henry’s daughter Molly celebrate her birthday with a party with his wife Lorraine (Kathleen Hughes) and other kids. Lorriane has also tacked on some earlier footage of Frank mugging for the camera with his neighbors Milt (Arthur Abelson) and Sylvia Jaffe (Louise Vienna). They all decide to watch it again, but Radar has allowed the film to spool onto the floor. Frank makes a pass at Margaret, but it infuriates her when she starts to think that he only sees her as a sex object, especially when he mentions her wife. However, their argument reaches a boiling point, and they slap each other, they melt into each other’s arms. When Sgt. Condon wakes up and sees his complexion, he asks Nurse Klinger if seems darker. Nurse Ginger eggs him on by congratulating him on ‘passing’. The doctors have a monthly staff meeting, but it never gets off the ground with Hawkeye and Trapper messing around. When Trapper brings Condon some chicken and watermelon for lunch, he questions him whether he received the right color blood. Hawkeye enters, and they tell Condon about Dr. Charles Drew, who invented the medical process to safely store blood, but died from blood loss after a car accident because he was black and not permitted to enter the segregated hospital. Hawkeye wraps up his letter while everyone is celebrating after surgery. As Sgt. Condon is leaving, he comes to the Swamp to thank Hawkeye for patching him up and giving a lot to think about it. He salutes Ginger as he exits. Trapper brings Swedish nurse Anna Lindstrom (Sivi Aberg) to meet Hawkeye, who is quick to give her the definition of ‘whoopee.’  Bobbie Mitchell is Nurse Gilbert, who asks Radar if he is a virgin. 9/6/24
• 034. The Sniper – 11/17/1973
  • Hawkeye and Trapper both get extremely annoyed with Frank when he brings his gun into the Swamp to clean. Later, while Hawkeye is having a picnic with the new nurse Lt. Suzanne Marquette (Teri Garr), they are nearly hit by gunfire. Since Frank is not far away getting ready to show off his target practice to Margaret. Frank claims that he never fired, and when they are all shot at again, they realize that there is a sniper in the area. Everyone in the camp takes cover, while Henry and Radar are trapped inside the shower tent. Radar tries to escape to go call headquarters, but as he runs outside, he is shot at, causing him to run around in a circle, lose his towel, and flee back into the shower tent. With Henry trapped, Frank attempts to take charge but has no idea what to do. Trapper manages to make his way to Henry’s office and calls a General for help to diffuse the situation. When an ambulance pulls in, Henry and Trapper are able to get to the operating room by running behind it. The ambulance driver (Dennis Troy) is hit in the shoulder, and Hawkeye suggests that they surrender with a white flag so that they can bring in the casualties from the ambulance. Frank and Margaret are adamant that they do not surrender, but Henry overrides them and sends Trapper and Hawkeye out with a white flag. Although they manage to get the wounded into the hospital, the sniper only stops his fire for a few seconds and then resumes shooting at them. When the generator is shot, the doctors are forced to perform surgery in the dark. Margaret suggests that Frank use his gun and go out and try to take care of the sniper. In order to save his respect, he goes outside, but he only winds up hiding. Hawkeye finds him, and while they are outside, they hear the sniper in the mess tent. They sneak in and jump on him, but it turns out to only be Radar getting himself a sandwich. Henry finds out from the General to find out when they will receive some help, and while they are talking, the chopper arrives. Everyone is able to watch as the sniper tries to shoot the helicopter, who then returns fire with a machine gun and then take off. Everyone then sees the sniper holding up a white flag, which Frank suggests that they fire upon. However, Hawkeye goes out to him to treat him. He later reports that the sniper will survive, and that he is just a scared teenager who got separated from his troop. He was convinced that the 4077th was the headquarters of General MacArthur. He also says that when the sniper went under, he thought he was going to be the most famous man in Korea. Hoping to find someone to dress as MacArthur to show the sniper, they do a test run on a sleeping Frank by giving him sunglasses and a pipe. 9/6/24
• 035. Carry On, Hawkeye – 11/24/1973
  • A flu epidemic has hit the 4077th, and Hawkeye is trying to nurse Trapper back to health, while making time with a new nurse named Sheila Anderson (Lynnette Mettey). As the surgeons prepare for the next round of surgery, both Henry and Nurse Jacobs are hit by the flu and sent to bed as well. As they go on with the surgery with Father Mulcahy taking on additional roles in the operating room, Frank also his hit by the illness and passes out. Hawkeye makes a plea for a general to send reinforcements, but he is told that the flu epidemic is hitting everyone. With no one on the way, Hawkeye asks Radar to search for any local surgeon in the surrounding regions to assist. Margaret makes a big deal about being the next in command to handle the administrative end of their duties, and Hawkey as the ranking surgeon is glad to give the responsibility to her, all while making constant passes at her. With Radar unable to find any help, the pressures start to really pile up on Hawkeye in the operating room. Henry manages to get up and isn’t happy with finding Hawkeye and Margaret taking over his office, but when he tries to resume command, he immediately collapses in sickness. Margaret receives some vaccine serum, and she and Hawkeye inoculate each other. Trapper also tries to get up to assist, but he can’t seem to move beyond the bed. Frank, in his delirium, calls Margaret by his wife’s name Louise and his receptionist’s name Nancy. With more incoming wounded on the way, Hawkeye tells Radar to start rounding up blood donations. Hawkeye tells Margaret that he has come down with the flu but is going to perform surgery on the wounded because there is no one else left. Not only does Hawkeye have Father Mulcahy assists, but he has Radar suit up to help Margaret. Through sweat and sickness, Hawkeye manages to take care of everyone. Later, now confined to bed, Hawkeye is presented a roll of toilet paper signed by the entire unit from a now-recovered Henry, Trapper, and Frank, along with Margaret who tells him that his performance was superb. Radar has taken his role to heart and tells everyone to clear out, as he has ordered Hawkeye to get his rest. Gwen Farrell is Nurse Wilson. 9/7/24
• 036. The Incubator – 12/1/1973
  • After a wild night of partying, Hawkeye and Trapper wake up with one of the worst hangovers of their lives. They expect a lecture from Frank, but he just shrugs off their debauchery, which makes them want to quit drinking so much. After trudging to the recovery room, they come across a patient named Rizzo, who has a high fever, but have to send out the blood culture to the Tokyo lab, which will take 72 hours to get a result according to Nurse Owens (Sarah Fankboner). While Henry and Radar are putting together their new barbecue grill, Hawkeye and Trapper go to see him to plead their case that they need an incubator at the 4077th. Although Henry is annoyed that they’ve gone over his head to have Radar requisition one, he agrees that they need one. Captain Sloan (Eldon Quick) from Quartermaster personally shows up to turn the request down, although he says he can get them a juke box or a pizza oven. The guys then have Radar try and locate an incubator, and he wind up finding that there are three of them at the 728th Evac in Pusan. They get permission from Henry to go see Major Arnold Morris (Ted Gehring) who manages the Evac, but he stubbornly tells them that he doesn’t want to give any of them up, even though they are not being used in any way. They find out from Morris that his commanding officer is Colonel Lambert (Logan Ramsey), who is sitting in the lap of luxury in Tokyo with his Geisha girl Betty Lou (Helen Funai). The best Lambert will do is sell them one in cash, which is not unusual for him to siphon money by selling supplies to the highest bidder. After the guys tells him that they can’t afford the amount of money he is asking, they attend a press conference with his commanding officer General Maynard M. Mitchell (Robert F. Simon), where they ask him in front of members of the press why surgical hospitals can’t get the equipment that they need like an incubator. When the General gives them runaround answers, they insult him and make a scene, causing them to be escorted out by MPs. Once they return to camp, they find out from Henry that the General has ordered him to arrest them. However, Henry says they can’t get by without their surgical services, so they are off the hook. Radar then shows them that he has managed to procure an incubator for them through his horse trading and wheeling-and-dealing. They then find out that Radar has traded Henry’s grill and wonder if they can cook his steaks in the incubator. John Alvin is reporter Mr. Bowman. Jerry Harper is reporter Phillips. Ralph Grosh is the General’s aide. 9/7/24

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