The Terrible Catsafterme

SEASON 1 – TV Land

Created by Jim Gaffigan and Peter Tolan

Music by Chris Allen Lee and Reggie Watts

• 001. Pilot – 7/15/2015
  • Jim Gaffigan (himself) is a stand-up comedian in New York City, who goes home every night to his wife Jeannie (Ashley Williams) and five young children in a two-bedroom apartment. One night after work and putting the kids to bed, Jennie tells Jim that she is pregnant again. Jim goes out with his friend Dave Marks (Adam Goldberg), who tells Jim he needs to start having kids and suggests birth control for Jeannie. Jim tells him that since Jeannie is Catholic and would never go for it. Jim also declines the suggestion of having a vasectomy. When Jim gets home, Jeannie tells him that it was a false positive and she is not pregnant after all. He laughingly tells Jeannie about Dave’s suggestion to get a vasectomy. She laughs and tells him that it will never happen, meaning that he will not have the guts to do it. Even the house nanny Blanca (Vanessa Aspillaga) agrees he’ll never get one. He decides he wants to prove her wrong and makes an appointment with Dr. Weiss (Fred Armisen). Meanwhile, Jeannie’s ex-boyfriend Daniel (Michael Ian Black), who turned to out to be gay but remained Jeannie’s friend and family’s realtor, takes them to look at another apartment in their never-ending attempt to upgrade. When Daniel mentions the vasectomy to Jim, he gets irritated that Jeannie is talking about it with others. Jeannie makes him appointment to call his bluff. When they stop at the church to see Father Nicholas Ngugumbane (Tongayi Chirisa) from Kalanga in Zimbabwe, he acts surprised that Jeannie is even married. Jeannie mentions the vasectomy to him as well, trying to help Jim get a religious out if he wants one. Jim goes to the appointment and makes sure the receptionist (Marcella Lowery) knows he’s only there for a consultation. Dave shows up to support him, and suggests he just take a pamphlet and sneak out. He is about to do just that when Jeannie and Daniel show up with the kids, filling the office, much to Dr. Weiss’s irritation. Once Weiss mentions the two incision in the scrotum, Jim says there’s now way he’s doing that, so the doctor ends the session promptly. Jeannie and Jim go to lunch while Daniel and Dave watch the kids in the park, and Jim tells her he’s scheduled for a vasectomy, but Jeannie can see right through him and knows he’s not getting it. Sure enough she turns down the most recent one they saw. Dave gets picked up an officer (Mike Britt) for seemingly staring at the children from outside the fence. Maisie Sexton is Mary, Lucian Middleton is James. Caitlin Moeller is Elizabeth, three of the children. Yamaneika Saunders is the woman in the park who Dave fights with. Jimmy Failla is the Comedy Club MC. 1/10/22

• 002. Red Velvet if You Please – 7/22/2015
  • Jim returns from a trip in Las Vegas, and before a word is said, Jeannie is asking him what he did wrong while he was there. After hemming and hawing for a bit, he admits that someone delivered a red velvet cake outside his hotel room door and he ate half of it, returned it to the hallway, and then ate the second half of it in the morning. She also tells Jim that he needs to take Elizabeth to the birthday party of her little friend Zoe (Korrine Tetlow) in Central Park at 8am the next morning. Jim tries to talk Elizabeth into skipping the party in favor of having a sleeping contest in the morning. He heads to the party in the morning and meets Dave waiting outside his apartment, who is trying going home and running into his mother, so he tags along. Jim is shocked when there is no food at the party… except for a red velvet cake. Zoe’s mother Chloe (Abigail Hawk) thinks Dave is a homeless guy, and then is irritated with Jim when he complains about the lack of food not knowing that she is the host. Jim spots a neighboring picnic party full of Chau family members. He heads over to get food from their buffet, and runs into Father Nicholas, who is a guest at the party. When he insults the fish head plate, he is thrown out by the female chef Nai Nai Chow (Wai Ching Ho) without any food. Meanwhile the kids add face paint to Dave, who is sleeping on a park bench. He tries to get an aspirin from a mother named Brooke (Emilea Wilson), but she thinks he is homeless as well, and gives him money for breakfast. Jim spots kids messing with the cake and tries to fix it, naturally taking a bit of the icing. When Zoe starts crying that her cake is ‘broken’, and her mother sees the cake icing in his beard, she assumes that Jim did it. When Jim gets home, Jeannie jumps on him for the report she received, and he starts to spill his guts about his cake. It turns out that her report came from Father Nicholas about him crashing the Chaus’ party. Jim admits that he has a problem with overeating, and that the cake never made it into the hallway at the hotel. He also tells her about a stranger named Cory (Robert Smigel) who was eating a burger and fries at the airport. When the man gets up to use the restroom, Jim thinks that he is done and he eats the fries. When the man comes back and confronts him and a woman named Amelia (Michelle Buteau) who is sitting by corroborates that Jim ate them, Jim tries to defend his position on eating the fries. Thankfully, when Cory gets a security guard (Kevin Hearn Cutts) to come over, the guy knows him from his comedy and says that Jim can’t help it because he’s a fat guy who eats everything. Back home, Jim is cutting up vegetables for a snack when the pizza delivery guy Hector (Rigoberto Garcia). James is now played by Wolfgang Jackson Lacz. Mary is now played by Cameron Seely. Lucian Middleton is Bowie, who identifies Jim as the fat guy who messed up the cake. Jade Catta-Preta is Suzie, the first woman turned off by Jim at the party. Bryan Winston is the lifeguard. 6/29/22
• 003. A Night at the Plaza – 7/29/2015
  • Jim gets points of remembering his anniversary, even if he is a day early. He wants to plan something special, so he asks Dave to asks his new girlfriend Gigi (Tashiana Washington), who works at The Plaza Hotel as a cocktail waitress who used to date an MMA fighter named Marcus (Brett Azar)., to book a room for them at the Plaza using her discount. He briefly considers getting Broadway tickets as well, so he goes to wait in line at TKTS in Times Square. While waiting in line, he meets a fan named Carl (Ken Forman) who offers to give him free tickets to a show he can’t attend. Jim accepts them, but makes Carl take some money for them. When he presents them to Jeannie, he realizes they were for yesterday. They decide to just head to the Plaza, where Daniel is still pre-decorating for them, thinking they would be gone longer. Jim is compelled by Jeannie to give the bellhop Fairchild (Claro Austria) a $20 tip, as well as each successive bellhop and maintenance man who enters the room. Jeannie has to run home to pick up some lingerie since she brought the diaper bag instead of her overnight bag. When the bathroom door gets stuck, Jim crashes through it, causing Daniel to get chocolate on his shirt before he head out for an important dinner. Michael throws a fit, takes off his pants, so he can wash off his shirt. He tells Jim to hang up his pants, but Jim throws them on the bed in a fit. Jim calls down to order a men’s robe and a bacon cheeseburger. The TV also gets stuck on the porn channel. Daniel gets stuck in the bathroom, and Jim accidentally pulls the door knob off. He calls down for maintenance to help him, but the bellhop Yann (Yaron Urbas) arrives and brings him his robe. Then the bellhop Bausch (Matt Higgins) brings him his cheeseburger, followed by Terence (Tony White) and Angel (Jose Alvarez), the maintenance men. Some of the guys know him from his stand-up comedy, and assume he must be gay when they hear Daniel inside the bathroom. They finally get Daniel out, and he is even more furious when he finds his pants crumpled up. Once Daniel leaves, Dave shows up hoping to use the room with Gigi, thinking Jim is at the Broadway show. Jim throws Dave out and then takes a shower. While he is in there, Gigi comes in and waits in the bed in her lingerie. They each freak out when they see each other, and Gigi runs to the bathroom to get dressed… and the door gets stuck again. Terence and Angel get her out, and Jeannie finally returns. Gigi returns to get her stocking, and then Dave comes looking for her. Jeannie is furious when she sees Gigi, and even more so when Dave shows up. Gigi’s ex-boyfriend Marcus then shows up looking for Dave and tries to smash in the bathroom door while Dave is inside. Jim and Jeannie just head home, where they wake up surrounded by their kids. Having not seen a show nor stayed in their hotel room, they decide to just stay home next year and set $20 bill on on fire and get Steak Shack, same as they did last year. 6/29/22
• 004. In the Name of the Father – 8/5/2015
  • Daniel and his father Art (Larry Pine) have a tense relationship, so when he comes into town, Daniel wants Jim to come along to dinner to be the buffer since Art quite likes Jim. Jeannie tries to talk them both out of this since she thinks Daniel should be able to face his father alone… and Jim invariably drinks too much scotch when they are together. However, the temptation is just to great for Jim when Daniel dangles his favorite steak house Smith & Wollensky under his nose. Jim accepts the invitation, promises not to drink too much, and also promises Dave that he’ll be done in enough time to do his set at the Gotham Comedy Club with Dave, who is bringing his mother along and is counting on Jim to do his ‘clean set’. At the dinner, Jim’s one scotch turns into three quickly, so Jeannie gets angry and decides to load up on scotch herself. As the table gets drunker and drunker, Art fakes two heart attacks to be funny. Daniel wants to go home at this point, but Art insists on going to the comedy club with Jim. They arrive drunk, and Jim’s clean show quickly turns filthy. Dave is so distraught, that he starts in with the scotch as well, and they all head to Sardis where they continue to live it up. Dave spots what appears to be a gorgeous woman named Lydia (Victoria Hale) from the back, but when she turns around, she proves to be much older than expected, causing him to drink more, but then take her along anyway as they embark on a cruise ship around Ellis Island. Art then has his third heart attack of the night, but this one proves to be a real one. They take him to the hospital where the nurse (Nicole Shalhoub) tells them that he had a blood-pressure spike. He recovers quickly, and Daniel and Art have a nice talk and agree to spend more time together alone to get closer. The next morning, the kids find Dave passed out in the bathtub. Dave Attell appears as himself. Daniel Collins is the waiter Danny. 2/21/22
• 005. Super Great Daddy Day – 8/12/2015
  • Jim comes home to the kids and declares that they’re going to have a Super Great Daddy Day together. Six minutes later, he is laying in bed with a Fudgesicle. However, Jeannie orders him to get up and watch the kids so that she can run errands while Blanca is off. When Dave calls and wants him to meet for coffee, Jeannie changes her minds and decides to trust Jim to run the errands while she watches the kids. She assigns Jim to drop off Elizabeth’s birth certificate at the church with Father Nicholas, drop off cupcakes off at the preschool, and finally to drop off Mary’s application to go to St. Faustina’s Catholic girls school, where they are being recommended by Daniel’s mother, one of the school’s benefactors. First he stops by the coffee shop where Dave uses him as an alibi for being out with him after Dave cancels his date with his girlfriend Roxie Harper (Elizabeth A. Davis). The story winds up veering into Jim’s wife being abusive and beating him. The conversation is overheard by a customer, and Jim identifies the cashier as Macaulay Culkin (himself). At the pre-school, the teacher Eve (Janeane Garofolo) gives Jim some artwork of James’s, which happens to be of Jim’s penis. He drops off the birth certificate at the church, them moves on to St. Faustina’s, where the front desk receptionist Ron Hubb (Jimmy Palumbo) recognizes him as a comedian who once insulted his wife when the heckled him. When he gets home, he realizes that he still has the application, and is now missing the penis picture. The next day when they head out to the interview at St. Faustina’s, Jim realizes that the penis picture is gone, and he still has the application. After an awkward interview, they are relieved to find that the interviewer Mrs. Keveny (Charlotte Booker) doesn’t have the picture, but rather the birth certificate. However, Jim also realizes that her assistant Janelle (Marina Franklin) is the lady was listening to the conversation at the coffee shop. After Janelle speaks to her, Mrs. Keveny abruptly ends the interview, so Jim adamantly tells her that his wife rarely beats him. However, Mrs. Keveny then reveals that she has to end the meeting because the headmaster called for an emergency meeting, and she tells the Gaffigan’s that they are shoe-ins. However, she and Janelle then witness Jeannie trying to attack Ron Hubb’s wife Pam (Jessica Kirson) fighting in the street, when Pam accosts Jim for calling her names during one of shows. Janelle adds that Jeannie beats Jim also. That night Jim lets Jeannie take all of the blame for the day’s events. The next time in church, Father Nicholas gives Jim credit for the cover of the weekly bulletin, which displays a drawing of a tower in a field of curly brown grass, which symbolizes peace. Jim steals away out the door, before the altar boy (Justin James Garcia) can pass them out. 1/11/22
• 006. Go Shorty, It’s Your Birthday – 8/19/2015
  • It’s Jeannie’s birthday, and Jim may or may not have forgotten. Either way, she tells Jim emphatically that she doesn’t want him to do anything for her as she’s so frequently let down by her birthday that she just wants to bypass it. She doesn’t even want the kids to know, but Jim lets it slip right away. They also have plans to go look at an apartment with Daniel. Coincidentally, it is also Dave’s birthday, and he lets Jim know he expects a surprise party from him. Jim makes it as clear as he can that he won’t be throwing him a party, especially since he isn’t getting anything for his own wife. When they show up to look at the apartment, Daniel massively insults Jim for not getting Jeannie anything for her birthday, even though she keeps reminding him not to get her anything. Jim finally decides to get her the watch that she wanted. When he gets home with the gift, before he can give it to her, she reminds him once again that he better not have a gift for her. Daniel then shows up with flowers for Jeannie, and when Jim tells him that she doesn’t want the watch, Daniel takes it from him and gives it to Jeannie. Naturally she is thrilled with it, and then questions her as to why she seems so pleased when Daniel gets her something but won’t let him get her anything. Dave calls Jim and tells him that he arranged his own party, but Jim feels funny about going since Jeannie is just going to sit at home by herself. She insists that he goes, so he heads out to put in an appearance. Many comedians attend the party including Dave Attell, Colin Quinn (himself), Artie Lange (himself), Tom Papa (himself), Eddie Pepitone (himself), Aparna Nancherla (himself), Morgan Murphy (herself), Bonnie McFarlane (herself), Rich Vos (himself), Damien Lemon (himself), and James Adomian (himself). Dave tries to make time with two young girls named Sophie (Erica Diaz) and Deni (Olivia Luccardi) and claims to be an Ambassador. Jim runs into Macaulay Culkin again, and this time he mistakes Jim from a former child actor from A Christmas Story. When Jim leaves the party, Dave tells him to just leave his credit card since it would be pathetic for Dave to pay for his own party. When Jim gets home, he tells Jeannie he felt guilty all day about not getting her anything. But when he tells her he really didn’t get her anything, she seems disappointed. He doesn’t get what he was supposed to do, and then tells her that he bought the watch that Daniel gave her. She doesn’t understand what he’s talking about either, then tells him that the only thing she wants is to not get older. And she doesn’t want him to get older. She makes it clear that she doesn’t want him to do anything at her next birthday, but he says he will be long gone by then. 10/20/22
• 007. My Friend the Priest – 8/26/2015
  • Jim gets a spot on The Tonight Show for the first time. Jeannie is very excited to meet Jimmy Fallon (himself). Jim is trying to avoid food jokes, but everyone he runs into asks him if he will be doing food jokes. Dave is bitter by the fact that he hasn’t been asked to be on the show and blames the booker A.D, Miles (himself) because Dave once had an affair with his girlfriend. Jim wants to do a warm-up set at Gotham’s comedy club. They text him and invite him to come, and then cuts Dave’s set by half. Jim sees his priest Father Nicholas on the street and tries to avoid him, but he sees Jim and runs up to him. It turns out he is also heading to Jim’s house at Jeannie’s invitation to bless their apartment again. He invites Jim to join the church’s indoor soccer team, but he says he’d never do that. When Jim tells Jeannie that he’s never say that he’d join a soccer team, Father Nicholas only hears part of it and believes Jim is joining. Then Father Nicholas asks if he can go along to Gotham’s with Jim to see his first comedy show. They run into Judah Friedlander (himself) on the way in, and Father Nicholas assumes he is a big fan, and Father Nicholas asks if he is now famous as Jimm Gaffigan’s priest. Dave bombs on stage as soon as Father Nicholas walks in and sits down. Jim doesn’t do that well either, since having a priest in the audience is a poison. Jim and Dave later run into Bill Burr (himself) and he verifies that a priest is always audience poison. Jeannie then makes arrangement for Father Nicholas to accompany Jim to the Tonight Show in her place Blanca is sick. Jim is embarrassed to walk into the show with his priest, but when Questlove (himself) from The Roots meets him, he invites Father Nicholas to come see their new drum kit in his dressing room. Dave also shows up and is furious when he finds out that the priest who ruined his set came with Jim. Dave also fails to impress Jimmy Fallon, and he also tries to make amends with Miles, who had no idea it was him who had made out with his girlfriend. Jimmy meets Father Nicholas and winds up bringing him on the show to play with the Roots. He likes him so much that he keeps him on to play ping pong with him and Julianne Moore. In fact, Jimmy likes him so much that he keeps him on and bumps Jim’s set. Macauley Culkin also shows up on the show and tells Father Nicholas he has no idea who Jim Gaffigan is. Donielle Muransky is the NBC page. Karen Bergreen is the MC. The Roots ae Tarik Trotter, James Gray, James Poyser, Ian Hedrickson-Smith, Frank Walker, Damon Bryson, Kirk Douglas, Mark Kelley, and David Guy. 10/22/22
• 008. Superdad – 9/2/2015
  • Jim is featured on the cover of Time Out New York magazine and is referred to as “Superdad” for being known as having five kids that he helps take care of. Jeannie finds the article fantastic overall but is surprised that she is hardly mentioned. Daniel is quick to point out that all of the help Jim usually offers with the kids involves either eating or napping. When Jim and Jeannie go to an open house at school, the teacher Eleanor Williams (Nancy Giles) makes a special point to call out Jim for being such a wonderful father. It leads to a hot mom (Catherine A. Callahan) flirting with him, although the teacher’s assistant Eve is quick to point out that she is on to Jim. Even Father Nicholas makes a fuss about Jim, and when Jeannie tries to rain on his parade by pointing out how infrequently Jim comes to church, Father Nicholas says a man who works so hard sometimes needs rest… even if it is on a Sunday morning. Dave gets jealous when he sees the article and tries to convince Jim that his life is a train wreck. Daniel then has the painful task of telling Jim and Jeannie that Ali Wentworth (herself) wants to interview Jim at the 92nd Street Y. Jim doesn’t relish the idea of Jeannie’s reaction to him getting even more attention, so he tells her that Ali wants to interview her instead. She is flattered by the interview of sharing parenting ideas in the city so she jumps at the chance. During the interview, Wentworth seems much more fixated on talking about Jim then her. Jeannie gets angrier and angrier, until Wentworth tells her that Jim must do a lot of the work since she looks so great and put-together. When Jeannie comes home that night, she sees that Ali has sent flowers to Jim. She also get angrier when he asks her to bring him some beer, and nearly explodes when she sees that Blanca has set his magazine on the table between two candles. She grabs the magazine and rips it to shreds. She blames it on the kids, and then tells Jim how the interview was horrible because the crowd turned on her. He admits that he isn’t a Superdad by any means and that she does all of the work. She then admits that just by having five kids, he is a Superdad. When one of the kids starts to cry, he decides that Superdad should handle it… but the kids want Mom. 2/24/23
• 009. The Bible Story – 9/9/2015
  • Jim announces the good news that he booked a water commercial, and then heads out to do a set. Jeannie asks him to stop by the church and pick up a bible that the church is gifting her for the work she’s done for them. He picks up the bible, which proves to be a giant tome. He asks Father Nicholas if he has a giant bag to carry it in, but he doesn’t, so Jim has to carry it uncovered to the comedy club. Comedian Chris Rock (himself) and Dave tease him about it, but while Dave is holding the bible for Jim while he goes onstage, it impresses the bartender Crystal (Elana Justin) who asks him out. After the show, a fan asks for a photo with Jim, and he poses with the bible, which winds up on the cover of the The Washington Post. He starts to get recognition for his fait, and a man named Kevin Ferguson (H. Jon Benjamin) from Cane ask him to be their spokesman, which would earn him seven figures. It sounds good to Jim, until he learns he would have to denounce homosexuality. Jim starts to figure out that being a Christian publicly could be a detriment to his career, so he goes on The Daily Show with Jon Stewart (himself) to downplay his bible photo, even mentioning that he had asked to put it in a trash bag to carry it around. Not only does Jeannie get angry at him, but news sources pick up the interview and start bashing him all over the airwaves, in stories that gradually get more and more ludicrous. He gets heckled horribly, gets picketed by the gay community, and is chased down by a mob on the street. Even Dave and Daniel participate in the various mobs hassling him. As he imagines all of this, he realizes he had just imagined everything beginning with Jeannie asking him to pick up the bible from the church. This time he answers differently and says he won’t have time, then causally and happily strolls to the comedy club. Appearing as themselves are: Lea Delaria, Jim Cramer, Don Lemon, Jake Tapper, Glenn Beck, Rachel Maddow, Lewis Dodley, Keith Olbermann, Mika Brzezinski, Judy God, Lawrence O’Donnell, Maria Cleste Arraras, Nancy Grace, Joe Scarborough, and Lizz Winstead. Elizabeth Noth is Olivia, Johnnie Mae is Betty. Angela Muto is Penny. Karen Bergreen is Karen. Letty Serra is Mrs. Gagliano. Ted Alexandro is Ted. Ebrahim Jaffer is the Cabbie. Gregory Haney, Rich Duva, Josh Hemphill are men. Dawn McGee is the woman in the audience. 2/21/22
• 010. Maria – 9/16/2015
  • While Jim and Dave are eating at Katz’s, Jeannie’s attractive sister Maria (Meghann Fahy), a massage therapist who is visiting from Wisconsin, comes in to pick up one of the kids from Jim. Dave takes an instant liking to her, but Jim warns him to stay away from her. Later that evening, Dave, who hasn’t been to Jim’s place in two years, stops over, pretending to be picking up his phone charger. Jim realizes that he’s there to hit on Maria, who miraculously thinks he is cute. Jeannie is emphatic that Jim ensures that Dave does not ask her out. Jim interrupts Dave hitting on another woman, Esther Ku (herself), in order to warn him once again not to ask Maria out. The next morning, Jeannie brings Jim a warm Everything bagel with cream cheese and the flushes it down the toilet to show him how she felt when she heard that Dave has asked Maria out. They had found each other on Facebook overnight. Daniel warns them both that the more they try to keep them apart, the more they will want to be together. Jeannie then acts supportive of her going out with Dave and will not say an ill word about him whatsoever. However, even though Jim has prepared a deep-dish pizza for himself, Jeannie forces him to get ready so that they can follow them on their date at the Statler restaurant. While Jim eats linguini, Jeannie watches them like a hawk, but loses track of them when some folks stand in her way. Although the waiter (Zach Fischer) has no idea where they went, an older customer lady (Lorraine Serabian) overheard Dave mention the Bowery Ballroom. They head directly there, Jim bringing his linguini, and find out from the bartender Sheri (Carly Aquilino) that they have gone to The Cage. Jim finds out about a great hamburger place, and also that Dave and Maria headed to the Upright Citizen’s Brigade from a girl named Nancy (Erika Smith). He is already gone by the time they arrive, but Hannibal Buress (himself) gives Jim and eight-minute set. The only other place Jim can think of that Dave has mentioned, a strip club called Scores. Jeannie won’t let Jim go inside, so they get it out of the bouncer Vince (Mario D’Leon) that Dave is not inside. However, they do see Macauley Culkin coming out with a date. They decide to head home, and Jim admits that he had a good time being out with Jeannie for the first time in years. When they get home, they find Maria there, who admits that she did something really stupid. It turns out that she ate Jim’s pizza after coming home because Dave talked about nothing but himself. She tells Jeannie that she wishes she would have just told her that they wouldn’t get along well. Jeannie says that she didn’t want to meddle, but Maria tells her that she wishes she would so that she doesn’t waste her own time. Jim decides to cut the pizza out of Maria, leading to a crime scene investigation with Mariska Hargitay (herself) from Law & Order: Special Victims Unit showing up to investigate. 2/24/23
• 011. Wonderful – 9/23/2015
  • Jim has been exhausted lately as his kids have gone through two rounds of the stomach flu. Dave tells Jim that he is attending the Melbourne Comedy Fest, which would pay for his trip to Australia and would last a month, but Jim says he can’t leave Jeannie and the kids for that long. They also run into comedian John Mulaney (himself), who is also going to the Comedy Fest and who has been recently offered a show on TV Land. Jim tries to justify his life choices but starts to feel jealous of comedians without all of the ties. When he gets home, Jeannie and Blanca are treating the kids for lice thanks to an outbreak at the school. Jim is forced by Jeannie to get deloused as well but can’t take a nap because the sheets need to be watched. When one of the kids throws Jim’s laptop in the bathtub, Jim reaches his limit and leaves the apartment. He runs into Father Nicholas and tells him that he blames the religion and that he wishes he never got married or had kids. Jim spots Steve Buscemi (himself) in the street about to get rundown by a group of bicycles, and when he jumps out to save him, he is hit by the bikes. When he wakes up, he has more hair than normal and Buscemi is standing over him. Jim returns home, and finds that Jeannie and the kids are not there, the apartment is perfectly clean, and he is roommates with Dave. Jim has also brought home a slutty girl named Candace (Marlain Angelides). Jim heads back to the street and finds Steve Buscemi, who claims he is not Buscemi, but rather Jim’s guardian angel and tells Jim that he never married Jeannie. Father Nicholas is willing to help, but claims not to know Jim. He also runs into his kids’ teacher Eve, who also doesn’t know him. Buscemi takes him to the East Ville Comedy Club where Jim still performs as a comedian, but no one there likes him because of the filthy material he does, except for three filthy-mouthed fans Hot Dawg (Cipha Sounds), Amodio AD (Patrick Noth), and Shoelaces (Jonathan Braylock). He sees Blanca getting thrown out of the club by two bouncers. Comedian Gilbert Gottfried (himself) accuses him of stealing his material. Comedienne Whitney Cummings (herself) accuses Jim of talking about anal sex with her in his set. Jim demands to know where Jeannie is, nearly going crazy in the street. To passers-by Alec Baldwin (himself) and Macauley Culkin, he appears to be mentally unstable. Actor Nathan Lane (himself), whom Buscemi is also guardian angel for, tells Buscemi to stop bothering him, while fellow actor Matthew Broderick (himself) as Nathan who he is talking to. Buscemi finally tells Jim that Jeannie works at The Library, are bar she now owns with her overweight husband Daniel, who turns out to be a big fan of Jim and was inspired to gain weight because of him. Jim tries to plead with her that they are married with children, but Jeannie now is a tattooed atheist who hates children. She winds up punching Jim in the face, and he wakes up back in the street with Steve Buscemi over him. Jim rushes back home, only to find his real-life wife Jeannie Gaffigan (herself) and real-life kids in the apartment. He tells her that he had the craziest dream that TV Land let them do their own TV show, with actors playing her and the kids. Jeannie tells him that this is crazy, but that what is even crazier is that all of the show’s actors are all in the apartment to celebrate the wrap of their first season. Michael Ian Black (himself) toasts the fattest actor on TV Land. As the camera crew films them all, Jim is holding Macauley Culkin who says “God bless us everyone!”. Jake Dell is Katz’s owner. 7/28/23

SEASON 2

• 012. The Calling – 6/19/2016
  • Jim is approached in the streets by Father Nicholas to speak to his Young Men’s Group about fatherhood, and is committed to it before he can even answer. After walking away, he runs into Father Nicholas again, who asks him to work in the soup kitchen. He starts to see him all over town and tries to escape, but everywhere he turns, Father Nicholas is there. He eventually wakes up from the nightmare, only to find that Jeannie has invited Father Nicholas is coming to dinner. Jim waits for Father Nicholas to ask him to do something, but when he thinks it is coming, Father Nicholas just asks him if he lost weight. Jim starts to talk about how he used to an athlete, which leads to him asking Jim to replace a player on the soccer team. Jim’s only goal in the game happens when the ball bounces off his stomach, but Father Nicholas’s performance is particularly impressive. Jim is then surprised when a young fan (Moise Ntekereze) asks Nicholas for his autograph. It turns out that he had played for Zimbabwe Junior Nation team and had been recruited for Manchester United. He had also gone to the London School of Economics, which he paid for by working as a model for Benetton. However, he gave it all up when he received his calling to go into the priesthood. Father Nicholas tells him that Jim’s calling was comedy, but Jim thinks there must be more. Jeannie remembers her calling from when she was growing up in Milwaukee in 1983 when the child version of herself (Nora Murphy) told her mother (Jeannie Gaffigan) that she needed five Cabbage Patch dolls instead of just one. Jim starts to look for signs of his calling, thinking at one point that God is talking to him from above, but it turns out to be Macauley Culkin using a megaphone. He even asks Daniel if he ever had any sort of calling, and he remembers back to when he was a young man (Graydon Yosowitz) and his mother Gloria (Melissa Errico) tells her friend Grace (Cadden Jones) how he can measure the size of any apartment and name the value of it. He also runs it by Dave and says the only calling he has had was to want to sleep with nearly every woman he meets. Father Nicholas tells Jim that he initially fought his calling, making Jim wonder if might have missed his calling to be a priest. He remembers back to his young self (Aidan John Doran) when his father (Jim Gaffigan) volunteered him to do a reading in mass. Since he forgot his glasses, he couldn’t read it and consequently made something up. That night, he has a vision of Jerry Seinfeld (himself) reminding him of a time in Tampa in 1992 when he was watching the Seinfeld episode The Outing, Jerry began to talk to Jim from the TV and tells him to become a comedian. Jim wakes up thinking that he’s supposed to be talking about current events and causes in order to bring about positive change. He tries this live at the Gotham Comedy Club and gets no reception from the audience whatsoever. He sees Jerry again up in the lights, who tells him to start talking about food. Jim switches jokes and starts talking about pastrami and corned beef, much to the approval of Jerry. Thirty-nine years later, Jim ascends to heaven, and is sent to a much longer line by St. Peter (Barry D. Godin) with other people who didn’t follow their calling. St. Peter tells Jim that his calling was to be a good father. Macauley Culkin then shows up and enters into the short line. Cardinal Timothy M. Dolan is the bartender. Dan Entriken is the priest who calls Jim to do the reading. Raquel Baily aka Raquel Palmer is the angry woman on the street telling her mate to listen. 7/30/23
• 013. The Trial – 6/19/2016
  • Based on a true story, Jim has been arrested and awaits trial with Judge Judy aka Judy Gold (herself). The charge as read by Bailiff Monroe (Monroe Martin III) is that Jim is a dumb, ignorant, stupid, idiot white guy. Flashing back to 24 hours earlier, Jeannie visits Jim in prison, where he tells her about the court appointed lawyer (Adrian Martinez), who is completely incompetent and advises Jim to plead guilty for a Tweet that he made 72 hours earlier indicating that men never notice it when women get their nails done at the salon. Jim decides to represent himself in court, despite the warning from Judge Judy that this never works. The prosecuting attorney for the United States is Zachary Quinto (himself), who sets out to prove that Jim is a waste of a human being for making his unforgiveable tweet. During Jim’s time in prison, he is surrounded by familiar faces including Carrot Top (himself), Gibert Gottfried, Artie Lange, and Nickelback (themselves – Daniel Adair, Chad Kroeger, Mike Kroeger). Quinto brings in Raven-Symone (herself) to testify against Jim for the Tweet, specifically for assuming that women do things just to please men. She infers from his defense of just trying to be funny with his Tweet that he doesn’t find women funny. However, it is taken wrong when he says that he often laughs at women. Daniel is then brought as a witness, and he makes it a point to tell the jury how bad of a husband Jim is, and homophobic to boot. Dave is then brought in as a witness, but he joins the others in saying that he was offended by Jim’s Tweet because it was too vanilla. He also makes it a point to say he loves women’s nails and trys to impress Jurist #5 because he has a crush on her. By the time, Jim goes to cross-examine him, Dave tells Jim he has to leave for a callback for a Windex commercial. Jeannie is then brought forward, adamant that she will defend Jim’s honor. However, when Quinto brings out receipts proving that Jim has gone behind her back and eaten fast food 64 times in the last month. She is furious and tells him that he betrayed her. Quinto makes his closing arguments to the jury while Jim eats several hamburgers at his table. Then Jim gets up and delivers the closing arguments, incorporating several pop song lyrics into the speech. At the end of his speech, everyone in courtroom, including Quinto gives Jim a round of applause. The jury foreman Perez Hilton (himself) then stands and gives the verdict: guilty as charged. Just then a newspaper boy (Dylan Boyd) comes into the courtroom and announces that Ricky Gervais said that Miley Cyrus has a ‘dad bod’. Everyone in the courtroom flees carrying pitchforks. Even Jeannie doesn’t have time to chat with Jim as she wants to find out more about the Ricky Gervais quote. Sara Benincasa is the blogger juror. Neil Feigeles is the courtroom sketch artist. 12/3/23
• 014. Ugly – 6/26/2016
  • Daniel is excited because he has been offered a part on the reality show Million Dollar Listing New York on the Bravo network by TV host Andy Cohen, although he admits it is kind of awkward because he is dating Cohen’s ex-boyfriend Trevor. Jeannie gets catcalled at a construction site, and Daniel thinks it is rude and that Jim should address it. However, instead of doing anything about it, he goes to meet Dave for lunch. On the way, he gets a call from his agent Stevie (Ann Harada), who tells him that he has been offered a small movie part with two lines as a taxi driver, but Jim thinks it is too similar to the role he played in 13 Going on 30. During their lunch, Dave encourages him to take the role. On the way back home, he gets another call from Stevie, who says that Alec Baldwin wants Jim to audition for a dramatic lead. When Jim gets his lines form the film, he finds that the character’s name is “Ugly,” and he is a balding, pasty, repulsive, troll of a man who stinks. Meanwhile, Daniel meets with Andy Cohen’s assistant Bart (Gregory Haney), who implies that Daniel’s job is not a sure thing, and they are meeting with one other person as well. The other person turns out to be online personality Tyler Oakley (himself) who knows nothing about real estate. When the Bravo executive (Katlyn Carlson) comes out to greet Tyler, she tells him that Andy has said he’s be perfect for the job, then asks Tyler if Daniel is his father. Daniel realizes that this is revenge from Andy Cohen for stealing his boyfriend. Jeannie decides to go back to the construction site and deliver a zinger, or so she thinks it is, to the worker who catcalled her. Jim head off to the audition for Ugly, seeing entire hallway full of ugly actors. He also runs into actor John Mulaney is auditioning for a young JFK. Jim tries to act as if that’s the role he is auditioning for, but then the casting assistant (Jeanna de Waal) calls Jim in to audition for Alec Baldwin, as well as the writer (Carla Duren), producer (Warren Katz), director Phillipe (Benjamin Thys), and casting agent (Deborah Offner). Everyone think Jim does a great job and is the embodiment of Ugly, but Baldwin seems a little disappointed that Jim can’t fart on cue. Jeannie and Daniel walk by the construction site, and Jeannie decides to speak to the foreman Nick (Brian Anthony Wilson), who tells her that they have zero tolerance against catcalling. She identifies the person who catcalled her and it turns out to be a woman named Gomez (Tig Notaro). When she sees it is a woman, she decides not to press any charges, so Nick lets her keep the job. Another worker (H. Foley) finds this to be sexist, leading a big blow up and a riot amongst the workers that makes the news, which Jim sees and wonders what kind of world we are living in. Jeannie and Daniel quietly sneak away from the area. Jim gets another call from Stevie and finds out that he didn’t get the part in the Alec Baldwin movie because they had given it to John Mulaney, who will need prosthetics to become “Ugly”. He agrees to take the part of the cab driver. Barbara Malley is the old lady who calls Daniel a pervert. 12/3/23
• 015. The List – 7/3/2016
  • Dave complains that he is #98 on the top New York comedians list published on Squidsizer.com, whereas Jim wasn’t included on the list at all. He doesn’t seem to care, but when he gets home, he finds that Jeannie is also extremely annoyed that he wasn’t picked. When Jim shows up at the Comic Strip, he finds his fellow comedians Colin Quinn, Dave Attell, Todd Barry (himself), Jena Friedman (herself), and Greer Barnes (himself) all discussing the list. A booker (Conor Perkins) from SXSW also offers jobs to everyone that was on the list. After reiterating to Dave how unimportant the list is to him, but Dave insists that the ranking matter and will mean more jobs for those on the list. Meanwhile, Jeanie tracks down the author of the list, Franz Dubois, as being a blogger who checks in daily at the Swallow Cafe. Jim continues refuting that the list has any importance, but the next morning he goes to the Swallow Cafe to check out Franz. Much to his surprise, Jeannie shows up with Daniel and the kids to look for Franz as well. They assume it to be a bearded guy (Alexander Khait), and the waitress Mindy (Kelly McQuail) verifies that he comes in every day. He quickly leaves, and Jeannie takes Daniel and the kids to follow him. As Jim is leaving, the barista identifies herself as Franz Dubois (Annie Chang) and tells Jim that she is a big fan of his. As Jeannie tracks down the bearded guy and yells at him to his face, after which the guy reveals himself to be a Russian who speaks no English, Jim runs into Franz chatting with comedian Dave Hill (himself) before his set that evening. When he asks her why he was excluded from her list, she tells him that she thought he was from the Midwest and thus not a New Yorker. She tells him that she doesn’t ever see him because she normally only attends shows at the alt-rooms in Queens. He tells her that he will be performing at QED, and then asks his fellow comedian Christian Finnegan (himself) to get him a spot there, although they keep their roster small and exclusive. When Jim arrives, the manager Amanda (Ana Fabrega) lets him go on right away to the small, young crowd, which seems to get younger every time Jim looks at them. He fails to impress the crowd in the QED ‘space’, so Amanda and another comedian (Zach Cherry) take him to another alt-club called Jeffy’s, which appears to just be an apartment owned by a guy named Jeffy (Pete Davidson). Jim plays to the small crowd there and then is asked to do a second set, which appears to just be a microphone in front of a bathroom mirror. However, when he looks behind the shower curtain, he finds three audience members, one of whom is Franz Dubois. Julio Torres is the QED MC. Jo Firestone is the comedienne Pistachio at Jeffy’s. 4/5/24
• 016. No Good Deed: Part 1 – 7/10/2016
  • Jim has gotten a standing well-paying monthly gig at the club Caroline’s and Dave is offended that Jim did not ask him to be his opening act. Dave gives Jim a sob story about being down on his luck, running out of money, and dealing with his sick mother. At home, Jeannie is thrilled with Jim’s new gig and has been giving comp tickets to her nun friends and is asking Jim for more. He doesn’t think it is a good idea to hand out too many comp tickets, so he asks her to curtail it. Although he has offered the opening act spot to Christian Finnegan, he tells Jeannie and Daniel that he is thinking of giving it to Dave, an idea they both try to shut down. Later, Jim finds out that his first show isn’t selling well, so he is asked to go on the morning radio show The Opie & Jim Show hosted by Jim Norton and Opie (Gregg Hughes). During the show, Dave calls in, and the hosts of the show goad Jim into offering the opening spot to him on the air. As Jim is leaving the show, he runs into Christian, who is going onto the radio show as well and is also thrilled by the watershed moment in his career of opening for Jim. He is so excited that his sickly father is coming in from Massachusetts to see the show. On the night of the show, Caroline’s hostess (Francesca Root-Dodson) tells him that it would have been a sellout if not for the last-minute request for the twenty comp seats from Jim’s ‘road manager’. Jim confronts Dave about reserving the comp seats for TVLand executives. He has also filled Jim’s dressing room with attractive groupies (Carly Brooke, Audrey Kate Geiger, Rachel B. Joyce), who Jim has to try to explain to Jeannie. Jim tries to get Dave to release the twenty seats, but Dave begs him to let the execs have them. At the start of the show, they still haven’t shown up. Jeannie brings the nuns, who seem appalled by Dave’s blue material, as well as the constant insults hurled toward Jim. The execs finally show up after he has started the show. Dave does well with the crowd, but much to the irritation of Caroline’s manager Ron (Todd Wilkerson) and Caroline (Caroline Hirsch), the club owner, Dave goes on for more than twenty minutes after he has been given the signal to end his set. Once Jim takes the stage, the TV Land execs all leave. Jim also notices Christian’s ill father looking for him. Later, Jim is told that he is being charged for the vomit that the groupies left behind in his dressing room. Jim plans to meet with Dave and tell him that he has to pay for the vomit and can never open for him again. However, Dave tells him that he can’t open for him because he was offered to do a pilot for TV Land, for which he will be paid $50,000 for the script. Dave tells Jim that he will need someone to help him write it but tells Jim that the person will be John Mulaney. Dave leaves their lunch, sticking Jim with the bill and not paying for the dressing room. As Jim leaves, he runs into Christian, who shoot him a dirty look and then walks away as Jim offers to explain. NOTE: Alessia Sushko and Damaris Lewis are credited as appearing as attractive women but do not appear in the episode. NOTE: This is the first of a three-part episode. 4/6/24
• 017. No Good Deed: Part 2 – 7/17/2006
  • Jim and Jeannie run into Dave Marks and John Mulaney on the street, and Jeannie seems smitten with John. Although Dave had gotten Jim kicked out of Caroline’s, Dave is now opening there, and John is opening for him. They then meet Daniel, who shows them Jeannie’s dream apartment, which is far too expensive for Jim to ever be able to afford. However, things start to look up for Jim when he gets a call from his agent Stevie, who tells him that comedian Will Ferrell (himself) would like to meet with him in Los Angeles. Jim is excited to pitch him his idea about a weatherman from Gary, Indiana trying to make it in New York, although neither Stevie nor Jeannie think that this is the best option. When Jim runs into comedian Chris Hardwick (himself) upon arrival in L.A., he doesn’t get a good vibe when he tells Chris he has a meeting with Ferrell. A splotch on Jim’s face indicates that he is feeling nervous, and indeed while waiting to see Ferrell, he is not only made nervous by Ferrell’s receptionist (Bisserat Tseggai), he also has a vision of entering Ferrell’s office and finding it set up like a medieval torture chamber, with Ferrell telling him to be funny or die. When he finally does get in to see Ferrell and makes the pitch, he acts as if he is interested, although he can’t get the story straight and thinks the weatherman’s name is Gary. Still, he says that he would like to move forward with producing the show. However, he asks Jim if he could help him out on another sitcom, The Dave Marks Show, in which he would help write and would also play a foil for Dave. Although he has no interest in doing this, he feels like he has to in order to get the green light on his own sitcom. Jeannie is excited that this might mean that they can get the new apartment. Jim arranges to meet with Dave and John, and seemingly, Dave acts as if he wants to bury the hatchet. However, he immediately begins turning down all of Jim’s ideas and tells him that he would have to audition to play himself in the show. He also plans to have Kelly Ripa play Jeannie and hopes to get either Louie Anderson or John Goodman to play him. Jim also doesn’t care for the fact that he wants the character to be an antisemite. Jim expresses to Jeannie about how much he doesn’t want to work on this but thinks he will seem difficult if he says anything. The next day, they all have a Skype meeting with Will Ferrell, who asks that they change the premise of the show from Dave being a comedian to him being a weatherman from Idaho named Gary. The splotch on Jim’s face becomes more pronounced. NOTE: This is the second of a three-part episode. 8/23/24
• 018. No Good Deed: Part 3 – 7/24/2016
  • Jim stops showing up to the writing meetings with Dave and John, but Dave calls Jim and tells him that Will Ferrell has changed his mind about the weatherman show and wants to do it next year. Now he wants Dave to be a private investigator. He talks Jim into returning to the writing sessions, but when he arrives, Dave’s new personal assistant Foshay Tsuchida (Daniel K. Isaac) won’t let him see Dave because he is casting a landlady out of a long line of beautiful women. John has also been forced to wait and shares his mutual frustration with Jim. He sticks around to wait for Dave, eating a steak and fries even though he had just eaten. Dave tells Jim that both John Goodman and Louie Anderson passed on the role to play him, so he is welcome to audition. When he arrives at the audition, he finds a roomful of guys who look like him, plus some other famous faces like Seattle Seahawks punter Jon Ryan (himself), actor Kurt Braunohler, and professional chef Mario Batali (himself). Although Jim tries to explain to the casting assistant (Jeannie Gaffigan) that he is the real Jim Gaffigan, she makes him go through the paces and has him play the character as a “whitebread schlub trapped in a loveless marriage,” giving him an array of antisemitic lines to say. Later, Dave calls Jim and apologizes for everything, telling him that John Mulaney is now off the project and is back in Los Angeles. Dave says that Will Ferrell wants all new ideas, and that Dave has to be part of the table read the next day. He begs Jim to help him come up with a script, but Jim refuses, and tells him that this is the time that he simply tells his story. That night, Jeannie tells Jim that they lost the bid on the apartment. Dave spends all night in a feverish marathon of writing about his life. The next day at the table read, Dave is late in arriving, so Jim entertains everyone including Will Ferrell, who is on the monitor via Skype, about how he met Will and about his pitch for the weatherman sitcom. Kelly Ripa is indeed present to play Jeannie, and Jim is being played by Macauley Culkin. Jim has the smart part of the doughy waiter. The script winds up being a wild tale which ends with Dave killing Jim and having an affair with Jeannie. When Dave announces that it is only the end of ACT 1, everyone clearly hates it… except for Will Ferrell. However, he is dragged off by his male nurse (Jerry Minor) so that he can take his medication. Later, Jim has lunch with Dave, who asks him if he might be able to open for him at his new gig at Governor’s. Jimmy Callahan and Jamie Hall are Jim Gaffigan look-alikes. NOTE: This is the third of a three-part episode. 8/23/44

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