The Terrible Catsafterme

SEASON 1

Created by Kirstie Alley and Brenda Hampton

Theme music by Eban Schletter

• 001. Big Butts – 3/7/2005
  • Actress Kirstie Alley (herself) is having breakdown in her own California home as she sees unwelcome results on her bathroom scale. Adding to her misery, the only job offer her agent Sam Rascal (Michael McDonald) has to offer her is to do a Jenny Craig promotion. After she hangs up on him, a call comes in from fellow actor John Travolta (himself), but he can catch through her crying is that “you’re killing me” and “I’m dying.” Consequently, he calls the police, and they send some officers to her house, while she is out getting a burger and screaming at Sam to get her a show on NBC. Sam tells her that he’ll get her a meeting at with NBC CEO Jeff Zucker (himself). John Travolta advises her to lose some weight, and he refers her to an ex-girlfriend weight-loss counselor named Quinn Taylor Scott (Kelly Preston), who gives nothing but bad advice like throwing up and eating cigarettes. Sam calls Zucker and tells him that Kirstie has lost weight and pleads for a meeting. He agrees to see her if Sam will promise to deal with Kirstie if he finds out she is too fat. Kirstie meets with her live-in hairdresser Kevyn Shecket (Rachael Harris) and her assistant Eddie Falcon (Bryan Callen), about her lack of sex life. Since Kirstie doesn’t think any men will want her, she should try a woman or a black guy since they typically like larger women. They all go to a soul food restaurant to try and meet a black guy for her. One female customer (Yvette Nicole Brown) is sick of fat white women trolling her men. She spots one black guy (Phil Harris) who seems to be making eyes at her, but when Eddie follows him into the bathroom, the man tells Eddie that he is a fan, but that Kirstie is too fat. Kirstie meets up with Zucker and another NBC exec named Chuck Manson (Tait Ruppert), as well as Max Cooper (Mark Curry), the new head of development. Max is black and immediately hits it off with Kirstie and makes a date with her. They have some strange sexual encounters, mostly involving food. When Eddie warns her that this could kill any potential TV series she might have had, she decides to have Sam use it to blackmail NBC into developing a show with her. She celebrates by eating in the bathroom, then briefly considers gagging herself with a piece of artificial foliage. Deren Leroy and Steve Maye are cops. Stacey Grenrock Woods is the NBC receptionist. 6/8/22

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SEASON 1 – FOX

Created by Bonnie Turner, Terry Turner, and Mark Brazill

Theme song: “In the Street” by Alex Chilton and Chris Bell, originally performed by Big Star, sang by Todd Griffin

• 001. That ’70s Pilot – 8/23/1998
  • In Point Place, Wisconsin, on May 17, 1976, high-schooler Eric Forman (Topher Grace) sits in his basement with his friend Michael Kelso (Ashton Kusher), Steven Hyde (Danny Masterson), a foreign exchanges student who goes by the nickname Fez (Wilder Valderrama), Michaels on-again/off-again girlfriend Jackie Burkhart (Mila Kunis), and his next-door neighbor and long-time crush Donna Pinciotti (Laura Prepon). They discuss ways to get beer from their parents’, Red (Kurtwood Smith) and Kitty (Debra Jo Rupp), party upstairs. Also attending the party are Donna’s parents Bob (Don Stark) and Midge (Tanya Roberts). After successfully getting the beer, the kids plan a trip to Milwaukee to see the Todd Rundgren concert, and hope that Red will hand over his old Vista Cruiser to Eric before the trip. The kids hang out at the local restaurant and smoke marijuana in the basement of Eric’s house. Eric has to deal with the effects of the drug when Red does in fact give him the car… but warns him not to take the car out of town. The kids do so anyway, but wind up with a dead battery so they have to bribe Randy (Wayne Pere) at the repair station with two tickets to the show, so they trade Kelso and Jackie’s tickets. Although Michael and Jackie were about to break up, Jackie convinces him that he needs her and they stay together while hanging back in the car. After the concert, Donna kisses Eric while they hang out on top of the car in the driveway… assuring him that they will try another kiss later. Paul Kreppel is Jackie’s father. 6/4/18

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SEASON 1 – CBS

Created by Bob Carroll, Jr., Madelyn Davis, Bob Schiller, Bob Weiskopf, and Lucille Ball.

The series is based on the book “Life Without George” by Irene Kampen. 

Theme music composed by Wilbur Hatch

• 001. Lucy Waits Up for Chris  – 10/1/1962
  • Widow Lucy Carmichael (Lucille Ball) lives in Danfield, New York, with her two children Chris (Candy Moore) and Jerry (Jimmy Garrett), and her divorced friend Vivian Bagley (Vivian Vance) and Viv’s son Sherman (Ralph Hart). 14-year-old Chris is planning to go out on a date with an older boy named Alan Harper (Tom Lowell) who drives. Lucy is nervous about the arrangement and tries to get them to stay in and watch TV, but hey insist on going to the movies. As Lucy’s imagination runs wild, she pulls Chris in the house the minute they pull up… only to learn that Alan’s parents were in the back seat. Feeling bad at her faux pas, she arranges for Alan to take her out again, and also promises not to wait up for her. When the kids come home early, Lucy sneaks outside so that she isn’t caught breaking her promise. She ends up locked out while the kids make cocoa in kitchen. Using a trampoline, she bounces up to Viv’s second story window and gets her to unlock the front door. However the kids come out of the kitchen, so she returns to the trampoline and jumps into Viv’s window. Chris comes looking for her mom and Viv tells her that she went out for the evening. Lucy then has to exit the window back onto the trampoline… but spends so long chasing her dog Tiger, who has run off with Viv’s shoe, that she misses Chris who has already gone to bed. 6/5/18 

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SEASON 1 – CBS

Created by James Fritzell.

Theme song: “Que Sera Sera (Whatever Will Be Will Be)” composed by Jay Livingston, lyrics by Ray Evans, sung by Doris Day.

• 001. Dinner for Mom – 9/24/1968
  • After her husband Steve passes away, Doris Martin (Doris Day) and her two sons Billy (Philip Brown) and Toby (Todd Starke) move from their home in New York to their father Buck Webb’s (Denver Pyle) ranch in Mill Valley, California, which is tended by housekeeper Aggie Thomson (Fran Ryan) and ranch hand LeRoy B. Simpson (James Hampton). Doris is celebrating her birthday and her boys have been saving up to take her out on a dinner date. Doris plans to bring along some of her own money to cover any extras, but the boys hide her wallet so that they can handle the bill. Doris dresses up for a fancy night, but when they arrive, she finds that it is a seedy cafe ran by a crotchety proprietor (Norman Alden). After ordering three fillets at $5.00 each, it becomes clear to Doris that their money, which amounts to $7. 36 is not going to cover the bill. She tries to phone home, but Aggie has the line tied up talking to a friend about Gone with the Wind. She also talks to the manager, but he has no patience for the kids and demands payment. After Billy talks to the manager and asks for a birthday cake, and tells him how he and his brother plan to pay with their own money, the manager softens and lowers the bill to the amount that the boys have… and even throws in a birthday cake. After returning home and reporting about the night, they find that Aggie is still on the phone. Leonard Stone is the waiter. Lord Nelson is Nelson the Sheepdog. 6/3/18 

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SEASON 1 – CBS

Created by Freeman Gosden and Charles Correll

NOTE: The series was based on characters created by Freeman Gosden and Charles Correll, who performed the roles of Amos and Andy on the radio show “Amos ‘n Andy” from 1928-1943 as a nightly radio serial, from 1943-1955 as a weekly situation comedy, and from 1954-1960 as a nightly variety show called “The Amos ‘n’ Andy Music Hall”. Additionally Gosden and Correll appeared in a 1930 film as the characters in “Check and Double Check”. 

Theme music: “Angel’s Serenade” by Gaetano Braga, performed by the Jeff Alexander Chorus

• 001. Kingfish Gets Drafted – 6/28/1951
  • George “Kingfish” Stevens (Tim Moore), the leader of the Mystic Knights of the Sea lodge in New York City, is mistaken for a 19-year old man with the same name and is sent an army draft notification, where he shares this news with his friend Andrew Hogg Brown (Spencer Williams, Jr.). Andy suggests that Kingfish see his lawyer Algonquin J. Calhoun (Johnny Lee), who suggests that the best recourse would be to have Kingfish’s wife Sapphire Smith Stevens (Ernestine Wade) make a plea to the draft board on his behalf. This doesn’t work as planned, because Sapphire thinks Kingfish has volunteered and is thrilled with his patriotism. Kingfish then decides to go into the army but is then informed by Mr. Thompson (Vince Townsend) from the draft board that his draft notice was mistake. He tries to enlist in all branches of the service, but is rejected on all fronts. The lodge throws a big party for Kingfish attended by Andy, their friends taxi driver Amos Jones (Alvin Childress), and Henry Van Porter (Jester Hairston) who presents Kingfish with an expensive watch. Kingfish later tells Henry that he will be assigned to the 135th outfit, based on a street sign that he sees. When the real 135th outfit is shipped out to Fort Bragg, Kingfish begins hiding in the lodge basement. Sapphire and her Mama Ramona Smith (Amanda Randolph) start to head off to see Kingfish, but when he finds out, he has Andy pose as Western Union and tell Sapphire that he is on furlough and will be coming home. Kingfish designs a makeshift military outfit to wear home, but the plans are foiled when a report phones Sapphire for statement about her husband shipping out overseas. This prompts Sapphire and Mom to beat Kingfish so severely that he winds up in the hospital. Nick Stewart aka Nick O’Demus plays Lighnin’ the janitor at the lodge hall. Corny Anderson is Walters. Zelda Cleaver is Mrs. Jackson. 6/2/18

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