The Terrible Catsafterme

SEASON 1 – CBS

Created by Robert Getchell, this series is based on the 1974 film “Alice Doesn’t Live Here Anymore”

Theme song: “There’s a New Girl in Town” sung by Linda Lavin, music by David Shire, lyrics by Alan Bergman and Marilyn Bergman

• 001. Pilot – 8/31/1976
  • Widow Alice Hyatt (Linda Lavin) is a former country-western singer from Kansas City who has relocated to Phoenix with her 12-year old son Tommy (Alfred Lutter III) and is working at Mel’s Diner, run by crotchety owner Mel Sharples (Vic Tayback) along with fellow waitresses the sassy Flo Castleberry (Polly Holliday) and the clumsy Vera Louise Gorman (Beth Howland). Customer Joel Snedeger (Dennis Dugan) continually asks Alice out on a date, but she refuses… until she finds out she’s a Hollywood agent. Flo borrows a piano and brings it to Mel’s so that Alice can sing for Joel when he comes to pick up Alice for her date. She sings It Had to Be You beautifully but Joel rushes her out for their date. While on their date, it starts to become obvious that Joel knows very little about music and tries to avoid the subject. Pretty soon he is forced to admit that he is actually a hosiery salesman. Arthur Space is the horny old man Stuff Johnson. 6/27/16

• 002. Alice Gets a Pass – 9/29/1976
  • Alice is going to college three nights a week, but she gets distracted when she starts dating an actor friend of Mel’s named Jack Newhouse (Denny Miller). She starts to fall for him when Jack springs it on her that he is gay. She agrees they can be friends, but then thinks twice about letting Tommy (now played by Philip McKeon) go on a fishing trip with Jack and Mel, who is oblivious to Jack’s homosexuality. Jack gets upset when Alice tells him that Tommy can’t go, but then convinces her that he can be trusted. Alice lets him go and has a good time, but makes Alice nervous when Tommy tells her about something that happened with Jack… that he let Tommy drink half a beer, much to her relief. NOTE: Following the pilot, the new exposition as seen in the opening credits shows Alice and Tommy heading from their home in New Jersey toward Los Angeles, when a car breakdown forces them to stay in Phoenix, where Alice takes the job at Mel’s Diner. 6/27/16 
• 003. A Piece of the Rock – 10/6/1976
  • Alice gets a package of email from New Jersey which includes an insurance premium bill for her late husband Donald. Alice starts searching to see if he had actually carried a life insurance policy. Eventually she finds the policy carrier Federated Life Insurance and is visited by agent Frank “Choo Choo” Chasen (John Myhers), and he informs her that he did in fact carry a $1500 policy… but Alice is not the beneficiary. Alice goes in search of Bubbles Turner (Lurene Tuttle), the actual recipient, and tracks her down to the Bluebird Motel in she is running in Flagstaff. At first she thinks it is first young lady she meets, who turns out to be Bubbles’ daughter Gertrude (Jennifer Billingsley), but then realizes that Bubbles is actually an elderly woman. She tells Alice that she had loaned Donald the money so that he could buy Alice a piano. Alice teases Mel because it is clear that he had visited the Bluebird Motel before. Cletus Young is customer Otis. Patrick Cranshaw is customer Andy. 7/2/16
• 004. Pay the Fifty Dollars – 10/13/1976
  • Alice gets a one-night gig at a sleazy nightclub called the Hot Shot in Flat Rock, which Mel warns her that the place is seedy. Alice doesn’t believe anything can happen, but she ends up arrested by Sheriff McElroy (Gordon Jump) along with Vera and two prostitutes Debbie (Caren Kaye) and Melinda (Louise Williams). Vera is freed and Alice befriends the girls, who lend her the money for bail. Instead of pleading guilty and paying the fine she appears before Judge Conover (Cliff Norton) and insists she is innocent despite the evidence that she is associating with two known hookers. Alice turns the tables and threatens to make a citizen’s arrest of Sheriff McElroy because he is sitting next to the prostitutes in the courtroom. The judge and sheriff see her point and the charges are dropped. Celeste Cartier is Terry Sinclair, another prostitute found guilty. 7/3/16
• 005. A Call to Arms – 10/20/1976
  • Alice is losing sleep over receiving obscene phone calls from a breather, and with Tommy spending the night with a friend, she has Flo stay over. The breather calls and hangs up when Flo threatens him, and when the phone rings again, Alice blows a whistle into it, but it turns out to be Mel… who now has an injured ear. Alice reports the situation to Deputy Barnes (Geoffrey Lewis), who says they can’t do anything until the caller does something in person. Flo and Mel suggest that Alice gets a gun, and Vera offers her answering machine. Alice is against the gun, but when she gets a message on the machine that says “Alice, I’m going to kill you,” she reconsiders and borrows Flo’s gun Rufus. When he calls back, Alice tries to use the gun to arrest him over the phone. The next day Deputy Barnes returns and with three men, Richard Atkins (Jack Riley), a midget named Leslie (Emory Souza), and a cross dresser named Rocky Bender (William Neal Seales), and has Alice identify Atkins as the caller by having them all breathe for her. Atkins admits to being the caller, but not that he threatened her. Barnes and his partner Leslie the midget had walked in on Rocky while breathing on the phone in an adult store. hen Mel yells at Alice for leaving the diner door unlocked, they realize that he left the “kill” message, nearly getting arrested by Barnes. Lew Gallo is a customer. 9/23/16
• 006. The Last Review – 10/27/1976
  • With Mel heading off for vacation and leaving Alice in charge, she uses the opportunity to call in Phoenix Times food critic Mr. James (Victor Buono) to try Mel’s famous Jailhouse Chili, although James normally only eats Peking Duck. Mel returns unexpectedly to give Alice some instructions, and ends up throwing James out of the restaurant, ordering Alice not to invite him back as he has no interest in his reviews. Alice brings him back anyway and when James tries the chili, he collapses and dies. Alice tries to conceal his death from the customers and asks them to leave faking a gas leak. Mel returns and Alice has to break the news of James’ death. Business starts to drop off as rumors that James was poisoned, and when the result comes back that he was in fact food poisoned, Mel prepares to be arrested, confessing his respect for the waitresses. However, when the sheriff (Noble Willingham) shows up, he only wants to order Mel’s chili. It turns out that James was food poisoned by his Peking Duck. Mel quickly turns on the waitresses and blames them for the mess, while Alice offers to send out for Peking Duck for him. 9/23/16
• 007. Sex Education – 11/6/1976
  • Tommy drops his wallet at Mel’s, and Alice finds it and also finds a picture of a naked woman in it. Alice consults the book Sex Education and Your Child to help her get through telling Tommy about the facts of life, but gets Mel to talk to him first to see what he already knows. Mel thinks the Tommy is a powder keg, but Alice take’s Flo’s advice to ignore the situation. However when Alice and Flo head out for the movies, Alice meets a young southern girl named Nadine (Michele Tobin) who comes over to hang out with Tommy. Alice and Flo cancel the movie plans, but Alice panics when she finds out that Nadine is feeling nauseous. Tommy puts her mind at ease, but Alice is still concerned about what Tommy is learning in his sex education class, so she arranges with the teacher Mr. Turner (Adam West) to show a film at the diner for the parents so that they can see what the kids are learning. A debate ensues as to whether it’s too early to teach pre-teens a sex primer. Alice goes home and expands Tommy’s sex education and tries to teach him more about caring and love, although she finds it isn’t easy to define. Lara Parker is Mrs. Randolph. 12/20/16
• 008. Big Daddy Dawson’s Coming – 11/13/1976
  • Flo has been out partying with her first ex-husband slot car racer L.W. “Big Daddy” Dawson (Norman Alden), and confesses that she’d like to get back together again. Alice agrees to host a party where she will upsell getting back with Flo, although the things Mel and Vera say seem to contradict this. When Big Daddy gets Alice alone, he tells her that he’s interested in settling down with Flo… but then grabs Alice and kisses her. He returns later that night after everyone has left and makes a full-fledged pass at Alice. Although Alice resists and throws him out, Big Daddy later tells Flo that it was Alice who made a pass at him, calling Flo to call off her friendship with Alice. Flo later reconsiders and offers to forgive Alice, but Alice doesn’t want to be forgiven for something she didn’t do. In the midst of their conversation, Big Daddy shows up at Alice’s apartment and Flo hides in Tommy’s room, getting an earful of Big Daddy propositioning Alice again. Flo tells him he’s no good, but makes him promise to look her up whenever he’s in town. Patrick Cronin is Judd. 12/20/16
• 009. Good Night, Sweet Vera – 11/20/1976
  • Vera is happily dating a man named Calvin (Darrell Zwerling), but one rainy night Vera gets off the phone with Calvin and is caught by Flo taking an overdose of sleeping pills. Alice and Flo try to keep her moving around until the ambulance can arrived, but with the roads washing out, it takes nearly all night. Vera admits to Alice that Calvin hadn’t dumped her, but had in fact proposed to her. She doesn’t want to marry him because he is too boring, but when she breaks it off, she says he shot himself. Eventually the paramedics arrive, as does a Calvin, who admits that he did try to kill himself… but had no bullets. 4/1/17
• 010. The Dilemma – 11/27/1976
  • An old boyfriend of Alice’s from New Jersey named Vinny Randazzo (Paul Picerni) stops off to see Alice, and eventually proposes to her. With no raises on the horizon from Mel, Flo tries to convince Alice that this is a way out for her, but Alice doesn’t think there has ever been any magic between them. Tommy also seems to like him and would like moving back to Jersey. Despite Flo’s convincing, Tommy tells Alice that he’s gotten a newspaper route and that he would rather that Alice do what is right for her, and not just him. Alice has to break it to Vinny, and they agree to keeping their relationship as a friendship. 4/1/17
• 011. Who Killed Bugs Bunny? – 12/4/1976
  • When Alice finds out that the community center is have a father-son campout, she arranges for Mel to act as his surrogate father and take him. Tommy is excited, but when Alice finds out that the trip is actually a hunting trip, she decides she no longer wants him to go. But when she sees how excited he truly is, she can’t bring herself to tell him. But when Mel sends over a rifle for him, she has to break the news to him that she doesn’t want him to hunt. He is beyond upset and tells her that it is just one more thing that will make him feel different from the other boys. He ends up sneaking out in the middle of the night and going anyway. Alice is full of worry but Mel, who knew nothing about Alices’s objections, and Tommy return unscathed. Mel is proud that Tommy shot his first dear, but Alice realizes that Tommy’s punishment comes from himself when he confesses how sick he felt having killed an animal. Noble Willingham is customer Floyd. Peter Zapp is the deliveryman. 10/24/17
• 012. Mother-in-Law: Part 1 – 12/11/1976
  • Rose Hyatt (Eileen Heckart), the mother of Alice’s late husband Donald, comes for a visit. She always succeeds in making Alice feel guilty and inviting her to stay with her and Tommy. Upon arrival she succeeds in insulting everyone in the diner, and then makes Alice feel guilty about going to a seminar with her Japanese philosophy instructor Herb Tanaguchi (Clyde Kusatsu). She finally has enough when she tries to convince Tommy that he is in Alice’s way, and tries to convince him to come live with her in New Jersey. Alice sets the record straight and reads Rose the riot act. Rose admits that she is a rotten person, but also confesses that her husband has left her. She also drops the bombshell that she’s going to move to Phoenix. NOTE: This is the first part of a two-part episode. 10/24/17 
• 013. Mother-in-Law: Part 2 – 12/18/1976
  • With Rose continuing to drive Alice crazy, she arranges to bring her estranged husband Charlie (Murray Hamilton) to Phoenix to bring Rose home. Charlie however is more interested in living the high life with various women, and in fact when a dinner with Rose at Alice’s house goes sour quickly, Charlie instead goes out all night with Flo. Nothing happens between them though, besides a raging hangover for Flo and a sprained neck for Charlie, and Alice is able to arrange one more meeting between Rose and Charlie at the diner. There they get to the bottom of the issue, which is that Rose went into intense mourning when Don was killed, shutting out Charlie, who preferred to cope with his death by partying. They are able to come to terms and eventually reconcile, and Rose returns to New Jersey with Charlie. 5/26/18
• 014. Vera’s Mortician – 12/25/1976
  • Vera is on cloud nine as she has been dating mortician Jerry Dittmeyer (Tom Poston) who she met in a ‘scream therapy’ workshop, but Flo thinks there is something funny about him, and Alice comes to suspect that Jerry is married since Tommy plays on the football team with Jerry’s son. Before Alice and Flo can tell Vera about their suspicions, Vera tells them that Jerry has asked her to spend the rest of their lives together and that they are getting married. Alice goes to see Jerry at his office, where Jerry first assumes that Alice is trying to plan a funeral, but then ends up hitting on her. Alice rejects his advances, and Jerry admits he is married, and that he and Vera should spend the rest of their time together until his wife returns from being out of town. Alice breaks the news to Vera, who copes with the situation using her scream therapy. John Fiedler is timid customer Orville. Burton Gilliam is customer Buford Baker. 5/26/18
• 015. Mel’s in Love – 1/15/1977
  • Mel rejects the advances of local beautician Maxine (Maureen Arthur), but quickly falls for Alice’s friend’s teen daughter Connie (Susan Lanier), a free spirit who has hiked to Phoenix from New Jersey. Mel hires her to fill in for Vera while she is away in Reno for a funeral, and begins going out with her every night, changing his style to reflect the hip outfits of the day. As he begins to fall more and more for her, Connie is suddenly called away to visit an old boyfriend in San Francisco. She leaves without saying goodbye, and leaves Alice to tell him. Mel is devastated, especially since he just bought a new toupee. Mel leaves Alice’s apartment, but the returns in the middle of the night, totally drunk. Before Alice can get him on his way, he has climbed into her pull out sofa and gets ready to pass out, telling Alice in his drunken stupor that he loves her. Alice tells him she loves him too before he crashes, and the next morning he wakes up and remembers Alice’s admonition of love. He has taken it the wrong way and now wants to settle down with Alice. When she turns him down and tells him she only meant it as a friend, he gets angry and fires her. The next day he has cooled off and tells her that he simply blew his stack. He has also paid a visit to Maxine and given her a new watch and asked her on a date. 1/1/19 
• 016. The Accident – 1/22/1977
  • Mel is heading off to Vegas with his friend Floyd and a couple of dates, and entrusts the diner to the waitresses and his car to his handyman Fred (Hamilton Camp), who has been pursuing Flo to go to a VFW dance with him. Alice is supposed to give Fred the keys to the car so that he can park it in a garage, but before she has a chance, Flo snaps up the keys to run an errand, and winds up rear ending a pickup truck, getting dragged, and crashing through a pottery stand. The local mechanic Arnie (Leonard Stone) tells the girls that the repairs will be around $600, but they only have $42. Alice gets the idea to have Fred do the repairs in exchange for Flo letting him take her to the dance. He agrees, but before anything can take place, Mel returns to the diner when his date comes down with the mumps. The girls lie to him about his car, but he begins to get suspicious… until Tommy unknowingly assures him that his mother never lies. Alice feels guilty and tells Mel the truth, provoking his outrage not only about the car, but the fact that they all lied. After espousing the virtues of telling the truth, Mel then comes up with a scheme to have Flo pretend she has whiplash in order to make a medical claim. Tommy is proud of his mom, not because she told the truth, but because she was able to lie so well. Chi Chi Navarro is Maria, the angry pottery stand owner. Raymond Singer is a customer. 1/1/19
• 017. The Failure – 1/29/1977
  • Alice finds a note on the floor that appears to have been written by someone who intended to rob the bank across the street. She turns it over to the police, who form a stakeout at the diner, including one particular cop named Burt (Bernie Kopell) who is over zealous in attempting to pursue Alice. After sitting there all afternoon, the police determine that the robber isn’t going to show up, so they leave the diner. One of the remaining customers turns out to be a sad sack named Walter (Henry Polic II) who had written the note, but instead has decided to rob Mel’s Diner. Also in the diner is a pregnant woman named Mrs. Rivera (Lupe Ontiveros), who goes into labor during the robbery. Nearly everything goes wrong with the robbery, including the cash register getting stuck. Henry laments that he’s always been a failure, and was called so often by his mother. Burt returns to ask out Alice again, and she slips him a note indicating they are being robbed, but acting as if she is writing down her address. Burt fails to see the note while in the diner, but later sends over the police to surround the building. Mrs. Rivera, while waiting for the ambulance, begins to have the baby, which is coming out breach. Walter is able to assist and successfully deliver the baby. No longer feeling like a failure, he returns the stolen money to Mel and turns himself into the police, getting a promise from Alice that they will testify what he had done to help that day. 1/3/20
• 018. The Hex – 2/5/1977
  • Alice gets on the wrong side of a Flo’s psychic Seama (Kaye Ballard), when she keeps stealing Mel’s silverware. Meanwhile Alice starts receiving roses from a mysterious suitor. He eventually reveals himself to be a customer named Rick (Ron Carey), the wealthy owner of a a dry cleaning chain named Rick. Alice accepts a dinner date to a fancy restaurant for that night. Right afterward she busts Seama with the stolen silverware, causing Seama to retaliate by putting a hex on Alice that will be brought about every time Alice comes in contact with the color brown. Flo is petrified, but Alice isn’t worried. Before their date, Flo checks him thoroughly to see if he is wearing any brown. He’s all clear… until he reveals that his last name is Brown. From there on, the date is a disaster, and Alice managers to destroy his jacket, shirt, two pairs of his classes, and break his drink glass, causing him to flee the date before it even starts. Alice agrees to let Flo get in touch with Seama and to purchase an anti-hex potion that costs nearly $40. She has a change of heart when Tommy fails a tests on the Presidents, although he knows the material but forgets it whenever it comes time to test. Alice realizes that, like Tommy, she has created a self-fulfilling prophecy, so she throws out Seama, who admits she is a fraud and tries to offer Alice her charms at a discounted rate. Tom Mahoney is the flower delivery man. 1/3/20
• 019. The Pain of No Return – 2/12/1977
  • Alice receives a visit at the diner from IRS agent Marion Bartlett (Warren Berlinger), who tells her that the year her husband Donald was killed in the truck accident, he didn’t pay any taxes and now she is liable for a $2000 tax bill. With no way to pay it, Alice allows Flo to come over and help her and they come up with a wild array of deductions. Once Bartlett sees it, he finds most of it laughable and threatens her with prison, but admits that she has in fact reduced it by $800. After he leaves, Alice is visited by Bartlett’s wife Shirley (Arlene Golonka), who has followed him and begs Alice not to take him away from her. Alice has no idea what she is talking about, but soon Marion returns and apologizes and vows to do whatever he can to minimize the amount she owes. He comes to see her at her apartment and begins hitting on her, much to her discomfort. He then admits that he can eliminate all debt by writing off the crashed truck. Alice throws him out of the apartment in his underwear and forces him to jog home. Tom Mahoney is flirtatious customer Travis. 4/16/20
• 020. The Odd Couple – 2/26/1977
  • Flo returns from a getaway weekend to find that the trailer in which she lives has been stolen. With nowhere to stay, Flo accepts an invitation from Alice to come and stay with her. Things begin to go sour quickly when Flo makes a mess of the house, rearranges the cupboards, and takes her side of the bed. And then it gets even worse when Flo’s friend Billy Joe Tatem (Kenneth Mars) stops by for a late night visit. Alice is exhausted, but is forced to stay up until 2:30 in the morning while Flo entertains. Finally she can take it no longer and throws Billy Joe out. Even after he is gone, Flo stays up to read, eat celery, and chat on the phone with Billy Joe. The next morning Alice is exhausted and confides in Vera that she needs to kick Flo out. However before she gets a chance, she finds out that Flo’s trailer has been recovered, and Flo thanks her profusely for her friendship. She has to stop Vera before she speaks for Alice to tall her what a nuisance she’s been. Unfortunately she then finds out that part of the trailer was burned up and will take some time to repair, so she will get to keep Flo for a while longer. 4/16/20
• 021. A Night to Remember – 3/5/1977
  • Vera comes over to see Alice and Flo, lamenting about the state of her life and the fact that she’s only been on three dates in three years. Flo goes to work immediately to look through her book of numbers to find her a date, but no man is interested in her. The next day at work, Alice gets the idea to see if the customer Travis would agree to take her out. He thinks she is too skinny, but Alice tells him that she is a powder keg and he is the fuse. He tells Vera the same thing about Travis to get her interested. Vera gets ready for the date at Alice’s place, but after waiting two hours for Travis, everyone realizes that she has been stood up and goes to bed. Travis finally shows up three hours late at 11pm, and although Alice thinks he blew it, Flo convinces Vera that she should get ready again and go out with him. Vera agrees and stays out all night, calling Alice early in the morning and telling her that she and Travis are driving to Las Vegas to get married. Everyone is shocked but supportive. Vera and Travis show up at the diner that morning, and Travis’s leg is in a cast. On the way to Vegas, the car had stalled and while Travis was looking under the hood, Vera accidentally ran him over. They both decided to get to know each other better before taking the big step. Mel tells Vera she can take the day off, but she prefers to work… and starts by breaking a tray of dishes. 7/30/20
• 022. Mel’s Cup – 3/12/1977
  • Tommy stops by the diner one morning and tells Alice that he forgot to tell her that he needs something to contribute to the church rummage sale. Alice and Flo spot an old battered trophy cup on the shelf at the diner and Flo takes it over to donate. When Mel spots the ladder they used to retrieve it, he sees that the cup is missing and is beside himself. It turns out that he and some Navy buddies considered it a survivors’ cup as they were drinking beer out of it when an accident on their ship caused an explosion. Because they were occupied elsewhere drinking, they were neither injured nor blamed for the accident. They regularly get together to drink beer from the cup in remembrance. Alice tries to retrieve the trophy but it has already been sold. The church eventually get it back from the buyer and Alice is able to get it, but she can’t seem to find a chance to put it back on the shelf, as Mel has been staying there to stake out the place, believing that the criminal always returns to the scene of his crime. Alice and Flo are finally able to convince Mel to go out to the Coconut Room with them, and Alice hires Travis’s friend Larry (Billy Sands),who just got out of prison, to break in and return the cup. That night after they return from the Coconut Room, Vera is at the diner with the cup and a tied-up Larry. She too was staking out the place and caught him in the act. Alice is able to convince Mel that he did it to sell and feed his starving kids, so Mel shows mercy and doesn’t call the police. They pay Larry his ten bucks and he is on his way. 7/30/20
• 023. The Bundle – 3/19/1977
  • Alice is planning to get braces for Tommy, but needs a $10-a-week raise to cover the expense. Mel is unable to help as he has an $800 refrigerator to replace. Mel however is more generous with a poor customer named Annie (Florence Halop), who lives in a shack in the desert, and to whom he has been providing free breakfast for the last fifteen years. Flo finds what may be the answer to everyone’s money problems, when she discovers a bag that contains over $40,000. While Alice thinks they should search for the rightful owner, everyone else argues on how to split it up. Alice gets them to agree to re-open the diner to see if the owner returns. They have a close call with Travis, who comes in looking for something he left, but it turns out to be his gum he left under the table. When the day passes and no one comes looking for it, Alice demands that they turn it into the police for 30 days. Since they believe it probably belonged to a criminal who will never claim it form the cops, they start to daydream about what they can do with the money. Then Annie returns looking for her missing bag of money. After freeloading from everyone in town for years, she has been able to save up her alimony. Alice is able to convince her that she should at least pay Mel for half of what she received in free meals, and she reluctantly agrees. Mel is able to get hsi new refrigerator, Alice gets her raise, and Annie returns to take one dollar back since she was sick on Columbus Day in 1968. Michael Keenan is a customer. 11/13/20
• 024. Mel’s Happy Burger – 3/26/1977
  • With increasing competition from fast food restaurants, including the new Funk Chicken where Tommy has been frequenting. Mel starts to worry about Mel’s Diner’s survival, and Vera discouraging customer Orville from eating meat, and Buford’s stomach pains doesn’t make him any more confident. Alice suggests that he start advertising his famous chili, and after some consideration, he goes to TV station KFUN and meets with producer Buck (Ronnie Schell) who has an office like a game room and wants to promote the fun that can be had at Mel’s by introducing the Happy Burger. Instead of hiring a professional, both Buck and Mel want to use Alice, and she reluctantly agrees, finally becoming excited that it might promote her singing career. She dresses in a sexy outfit, rehearses in front of the mirror, and writes a jingle to perform. When Buck provides her a costume of his own, it is different than she expected: a giant foam hamburger. She has trouble delivering her lines when she becomes distracted by the TV monitor, and Vera and Flo start to bicker over delivering lines as well. Mel and Alice finally get irritated and they call the whole thing off. Buck however is able to piece together a commercial by the footage he shot. Alice is mortified when it airs on TV, but soon not only are Orville and Buford showing up to order a Mel’s happy burger, but they get an order from a little league for 106 burgers. Alice becomes happier with her part in the commercial, especially when Tommy asks her to sign autographs for some of his friends. 11/13/20

SEASON 2

• 025. The Second Time ‘Round – 10/2/1977
  • Alice is up in arms because when she arrives at work in the morning, she is flashed by a man in the parking lot. Later a customer (MacIntyre Dixon) wearing a trench coat and Tyrolean hat comes into the diner, and Alice is certain that he is the flasher. She is not only rude to him, but spills water on him intentionally in order to make him jump up and expose that he isn’t wearing anything under his coat. By the time the customer leaves, Alice starts to feel guilty for her treatment of him, but as he is leaving, he does indeed flash her again. Meanwhile another flirtatious customer named Langley Moss (Rod McCary) comes into the diner looking for Flo. After he tells Vera she reminds him of Katherine Hepburn, Flo reveals that Langley is her third husband. She is intrigued that he is back for more, and is willing to take a chance to spend time with him, despite Alice’s incredulity that she could consider taking back an obvious womanizer. After he and Flo chat, she finds out the real reason he is there: the lawyer that they used for their divorce was fraudulent and they are still technically married. However instead of wanting to get back together, he wants to obtain another divorce from her so he can marry another woman with money. Flo agrees to the county courthouse to obtain the divorce, and she is forced to admit that Alice was right about him. Officer Hertzig (Lewis Arquette) comes in and takes Alice’s report about the flasher, but ends up saying that it is usually the woman who is at fault. Despite being blown off, Alice is pleased when the police end up finding the flasher… until she realizes she needs to go to the police station and identify him. Langley comes to say goodbye and try to hook up with Flo again before he leaves, but she tells him to kiss her grits 3/5/21
• 026. The Indian Taker – 10/9/1977
  • A Native American man (Victor Jory) is pacing back and forth outside of the diner, and then comes in and forces a customer (Boyd Bodwell) out of his booth and tells everyone that he is staying there until he dies. He claims that the diner was built on the burial ground of his ancestors. Mel wants to throw him out and call the police, but Alice has sympathy for him and reminds Mel of the shoddy treat of that Native Americans have had in the United States. The man will drink nothing but water, and begins chanting as he sits there. Mel starts to worry that he might have some legal recourse for the land, so he tries to bribe the man with $10, but the man will not sell off ‘his land’ for any less than $200. Vera thinks the man is suspicious after she is told by her friend Fred Scott (Larry Hovis) who tells her that it is not like an Indian to sell off his land. Alice however thinks he should pay the money because it is ‘righting an ancient wrong’ and even agrees that she will kick in some money. The man passes out just before Fred comes in and reveals himself as a detective with the bunko squad and  arrests the man whom identifies as Billy ‘The Scam’ Williams, who is not an Indian and has been pulling the scam all over the place. Mel is so happy with Vera that he gives her a huge kiss. Meanwhile Alice struggles with a diet, and Flo goes on a drive-in date with a customer named Tad (Don Chastain). 3/5/21
• 027. 86 the Waitress – 10/23/1977
  • After a particularly busy day at Mel’s during a visit from a salesmen convention, Mel tells the girls that he is hiring a new worker, a male waiter named Kenny Cole (Bill Fiore). Alice is put in charge of training him, but she finds out that Mel is going to be paying him $3.60 versus the $3.35 that she and the other waitresses are making, she blows her stack. The next morning she tells Flo and Vera, and they ask that she act as their spokesperson and talk to Mel. He stubbornly says that men are entitled to more, and when he won’t budge, Alice quits on behalf of all three of the girls. Days go by, and they are unable to find other jobs. Alice thinks they’ll be alright with their unemployment insurance, but Flo reminds her that if they quit, they will receive nothing. This starts a fight between them, and Flo storms out of Alice’s place. Alice and Vera cry together, and then Flo returns crying too, and they all make up. They decide to dress up and go to Mel’s for lunch together. While there, they purposely frustrate Kenny by changing their order repeatedly, which winds up driving out the only other customer (Bob Harks) in the place. Mel and the girls then almost reach a deal when he asks them to come back, but when they demand the same pay as Kenny, Mel simply says he will lower Kenny’s pay. Later Mel comes over to Alice’s place to try once again to reach an agreement. Neither will budge, so Tommy steps in as a mediator and demands $3.00 an hour on behalf of Alice. Mel quickly says he won’t go higher than $3.60, and Alice accepts the deal. Mel winds up taking them all back at $3.60 per offer, while Kenny ends up getting another job elsewhere. Dave Shelley is Fred the salesman. 7/1/21
• 028. Alice by Moonlight – 10/30/1977
  • Alice shows up late to work, and then has trouble staying awake. She tells Vera and Flo that she’s been moonlighting as a singer at Herman’s Hitching Post. That night she practices singing Embraceable You at home for Tommy, and he pretends to be a heckler so she can get used to it. He tells her to try and find a unique style, and she proves she can by doing her impression of Judy Garland. The next morning she is late to work again, and this time Mel tells her that this is her last chance. When Alice falls asleep on a customer (Jane Dulo), then turns in a blank order, Mel demands to know what is going on. When she tells Mel what she’s doing, he tells her that she needs to make a choice between the two. Alice storms out and quits her job at the diner, which causes havoc when Flo and Vera can’t keep up. Their customer Andy walks out when he finds out Alice isn’t there any longer. Flo and Vera plan to see Alice perform that night, but Mel refuses their invitation to join them. That night, the owner Herman (Morey Amsterdam) introduces her, but once she starts singing, she sees that Mel has shown up after all. While she’s singing But Not for You, a customer named Buster makes a lot of noise and hits on Flo and Vera, then insults Alice’s singing. Mel throws him out of the bar, but Herman tells him that he just threw out the co-owner of the bar, and the guy who was going to finance Herman’s new bar. He fires Alice for bringing Mel in, but Mel insists that he let her finish singing. After dedicating the next song Alice sings You Do Something to Me and nails it. She returns to work the next day and tells Mel how great it is to be back. Vera starts tap dancing in the diner and says one day she may moonlight as a dancer. Duane R. Campbell and Bernie Kuby are diner customers. Gloria LeRoy is the bar waitress. 7/1/21
• 029. Single Belles – 11/6/1977
  • It’s Friday night and none of the gals have dates, so they all decide to go together to a new nightclub Leo’s Roadside Rest. Alice and Vera are reluctant when they find out it is a singles bar, but they finally relent and give in. Once they arrive, the girls split up and  circulate around the room, with Vera getting hit on a guy (John Welsh) who claims to be with the mafia, Flo getting hit on by a tiny man (Christian Seaborn), and Alice actually meeting a man named Greg Stemple (Robert Hogan), whom she quite likes. They also find that Mel is in the bar making time with a girl (Victoria Carroll) and going by the name Rocky. Alice allows Greg to take her home and they make a date for the weekend. The next day at work, in addition to teasing Mel about his presence at the bar, Alice and Flo find out that Greg had returned to the bar and made a date with Flo as well. Alice tries to convince Flo that they both should cancel the date with Greg, but she is very reluctant, and fakes a call to Time & Temperature before she finally actually calls him and cancels. When Greg shows up at the diner, they are all surprised to see him… then realize that he’s also made a date with Vera. Greg asks Vera to go out with him on the dates that Alice and Flo cancelled. Mel asks Flo and Alice to go to another single’s club, and while Flo jumps at it, Alice decides to stay home. Jessamin Milner is the old lady with Andy. Sam Greenbaum, Charles Thomas Murphy, Frank O’Brien, and Marty Zagon are men in the bar. Lynne Marie Stewart is the woman in the bar. 11/28/21
• 030. The Sixty Minutes Man – 11/13/1977
  • Alice sees a segment on 60 Minutes about a former mobster named Gino Tarentella (Michael V. Gazzo) who is hiding from both the F.B.I. and the mob, and then realizes that he is one of their regular customers who goes by the name Joe Waverly. Alice confronts him about it, but Joe denes that he is Gino. Meanwhile two truckers named Carl (David Ketchum) and Vinnie (Bruce Kimmel) who are hauling peaches, break down in Mel’s parking lot. They have to go get a condenser unit in Tucson, so Gino loans Carl his car. Vinnie stays behind at the diner, and realizes they may lose all their peaches in the heat, so Mel reluctantly agrees to help bring them all into the diner, even pitching in to do the lifting. An F.B.I. agent named Henderson (John Lawlor) comes looking for Tarentella, so the waitresses have no choice but to identify him. Alice feels terrible about turning Joe in, but Mel convinces her that she may have saved his life since the mob probably knows he’s in Phoenix also. When Joe returns, Alice tells him that they have revealed his identity, and he forgives her. Mel however helps Joe escape, but when Lawlor accuses them all of been accessories to obstruction of justice, Joe returns and turns himself in so no one has to take the rap for him. Bob McClurg is the customer who becomes known as Cecil. 11/28/21
• 031. That Old Back Magic – 12/4/1977
  • Alice has begun dating a chemistry professor named Jack (Edward Winter) and they arrange a date together. In the meantime, when Mel starts complaining that no one ever cooks for him, and that his neighbors complain whenever he cooks at home, Alice invites him and the girls to come to Sunday brunch at her place. Vera declines because she’ll be too full from breakfast, and it will ruin her appetite for lunch. While Mel is at Alice’s place, Tommy and Alice ask for help changing their water cooler jug, and Mel throws his back out while doing it. He claims that the injury will lay him up for two weeks at Alice’s place, so they move him to her foldout couch bed. When Alice brings Jack back to her place after a date, they are forced to hang out in the kitchen. Mel seemingly does everything he can to interrupt their romantic time together. Jack gets annoyed and decides to just leave. Alice is initially angry at Mel, but then realizes that Mel thinks of his waitresses like daughters. The girls are forced to run the diner alone, and Vera gets in the spirit of cooking by wearing Mel’s clothes and hat… even though she manages to drop almost every food item off the grill. Alice complains that Mel is especially grumpy because he is going to miss poker night with his friends. The girls decide to host their own poker night for Mel, even though he can barely move, and Vera has no idea how to play. Alice puts an ironing board against the wall and Mel is able to stand against that while he plays. Since no one knows how to play very well, and the cards are all ‘marked ‘ with recipes on the back, Mel thinks nothing is like his real poker nights. Alice tries to help with the atmosphere by lighting up cigars for everyone. Mel loses a straight hand to Vera’s four of a kind, even though she has no idea she has it, causing him to fall over. The fall actually cures his back and he is able to go home. Back at work, Vera complains that Mel never paid her for the bet, so he keeps going double or nothing… but Vera keeps on winning, bringing her up into forty dollar range on a bet that started around two dollars. 5/6/22
• 032. Love Is Sweeping the Counter – 12/11/1977
  • Flo is excited because she is invited to the ‘big game’, the Wildcats vs. the Sun Devils, for that afternoon. Mel is jealous of her having tickets, but refuses to give her the afternoon off. However, when she starts sulking, he eventually softens and lets her go. Unfortunately, her date Bobby Jack “Whizzer” Wallace (Clifford A. Pellow) has to go to a business meeting, so he tells Flo to take the tickets and find someone else to go with her. Alice suggests that she let Mel take her since he wants to go so badly, and Flo reluctantly agrees. The next morning, Flo and Mel seem to have their head in the clouds. The two had such a great time together that the wound up having a romantic day, and now they are going steady. The do nothing all day but sweet-talk each other, much to Alice’s irritation. Flo wants to enter a dance contest with Mel, and asks Alice to help teach him to dance. He winds up accidentally slugging Alice in the face. Then when he finds out that the dance is on his poker night, he starts to get cold feet about going at all. Whizzer then returns and offers to take Alice to Hawaii over New Years break to attend the Hula Bowl. Flo has to tell him that she has engagement that night for someone else. Within a few days, the thrill of their relationship seems to be dwindling. Mel tells Alice privately that Flo’s starting to control him in ways he doesn’t like, particularly by forcing him to attend the dance contest and missing the poker game that night. He asks Alice to talk to Flo and gently break it off with her for him. Alice wants to stay out of it, but she goes to talk to Flo anyway… only to find out that Mel was jealous about Whizzer’s offer and threw a fit, and she too wants to break it off with him. Alice then tells her that it worked out perfectly because Mel asks her to break it off on his behalf. Flo doesn’t like this because she didn’t want Mel to initiate the breakup. Flo blames Alice for the whole situation by suggested that they go to the big game together. Alice goes through a lengthy sarcastic explanation about how she had been planning this all along, just to ruin Flo’s life. Flo sees the absurdity in blaming Alice and asks for forigiveness, while Vera now  thinks she hates Alice for all she supposedly did to Flo. Alice tells Mel that the breakup went just fine, although Mel is clearly disappointed that she didn’t leave Flo in a blubbering mess. Instead, Flo gleefully comes out in a hula skirt ready for her upcoming trip to Hawaii. 5/7/22
• 033. A Semi-Merry Christmas – 12/18/1977
  • Christmas is approaching and Alice is looking forward to taking a bus with Tommy to her cousin’s place in Colorado Springs so that Tommy can have a white Christmas. However, she is relying on the same $100 Christmas bonus that she and girls got the previous year. Unfortunately Mel’s accountant has told him that he can’t afford to give out bonuses this year due to inflation. Alice is furious with Mel and gives him the silent treatment. When truck driver Jason Carp (Patrick Cronin) comes into the diner lamenting the fact that he has to make a holiday run to Denver and will be away from his wife for Christmas, Mel volunteers to drive the truck for him. Jason even tells him that he’ll let Mel keep the $200 fee if he does that. Mel excitedly tells Alice that he is going to drive her and Tommy to Colorado Springs so she can be with her family at Christmas. Alice is ecstatic and invites Flo and Vera to go along as well. Alice knits hats for all of her cousin’s kids, and brings a long a great looking gingerbread house. Everyone sings Christmas carols, and they play on the C.B., as they make their way toward their destination. Vera keeps reading the road signs, until Mel finally tells her to cut it out. Everyone in the truck switches positions, except for Mel who laments he is sleepy from all of the driving. Alice volunteers to drive for a while and takes over. Soon she starts to think that they’ve gone too far, as they run into a large snow drift on the road. Flo has been holding the map upside-down, and Vera failed to tell them about a Road Closed sign she saw, since Mel had told her to be quiet. Unable to move any further, they shut the truck down and wake up Mel. He gets out of the car and winds up falling through the ice into a ditch full of water. They resign themselves that they are going to be stranded for a while and they eat the gingerbread house. Everyone wears the hats Alice knitted, and Mel gets into the Santa Claus suit he brought along since it is the only dry thing he has. Everyone acknowledges that Christmas is about being with the people they love, and they fell blessed to be doing just that. When all hope seems lost, they get a call from someone on the C.B., who turns out to be a snow plow driver who is right behind them to help dig them out. 9/2/22
• 034. Oh, George Burns! – 1/1/1978
  • Vera is upset because the character Yolanda Morrison on her favorite soap opera One Day After Another is dying. Alice has to explain to Mel how Vera thinks the characters she watches on TV are very real to her. Vera leaves to go to the florist to buy some flowers to send to Yolanda at the hospital. While she is out, comedian George Burns (himself) stops by the diner for some whitefish. He is in town to receiving an honorary degree from the local university. Since Mel doesn’t have whitefish, he settles for a quick cup of coffee. Before he leaves, Vera returns and sees him. Having watched the film Oh God! several times, Vera thinks that George Burns is in fact God, and asks him to heal Yolanda. When Vera doesn’t show up the next day to work, Alice talks to her landlady who tells her that Vera packed up her things and left. Vera then shows up at the diner to tell them that Yolanda has recovered, and that she is quitting and is going to follow God… meaning George Burns. Alice goes to talk to George Burns at the Camelback Inn where he is staying, only to find Vera waiting outside of his door for further instruction, and to deliver him a whitefish. She tells Burns the situation, so he agrees to talk to Vera. No matter what he says, Vera refuses to believe that he isn’t God. She even assumes that the GB monogram on his shirt stand for “God Bless.” George and Alice then sing a duet and do a soft shoe to By the Light of the Silvery Moon, trying to prove that God would not do a hokey routine like that. They finally give up trying to convince her, but then Flo shows up to paint the town with George. Vera suddenly becomes convinced since God certainly wouldn’t go out on a date with Flo. Duane R. Campbell is the customer Harry. 9/2/22 
• 035. The Eyes of Texas – 1/8/1978
  • Mel is having a great day, as he’s got a new set of Arnold Palmer golf clubs and went golfing with his friend Harleigh Cornfeld (John Myhers) and thinks he might have talked him into giving him the luncheon business of the Buffalo Businessmen’s Club. Flo, on the other hand, is starting to realize that her eyesight is going. She misreads the label on the golf clubs, the prices on the menu, and phone number of her date for that evening, J.W. (Ron Masak). Alice starts to tell her that she might need glasses, but she doesn’t want to hear it. That night Flo thinks that J.W. stood her up, so she comes over to see Alice. It turns out that she was an hour late for her date because she couldn’t read her watch. Flo is worried that if she gets glasses, she will look old, but Alice and Tommy are able to convince her that there are plenty of glamorous people who wear glasses. Flo winds up getting a pair of big pink glasses, which Alice, Vera, and Mel are all sure to compliment. However, J.W. comes in and tells Flo he needs to stop seeing her because he is married. Flo doesn’t believe him and thinks that he doesn’t want to be with her because of the glasses, even though the customer Cecil vouches for him because he says he takes out J.W.’s wife when he is out with Flo. This causes J.W. to lunge at the man and accidentally hits Mel. Flo then punches J.W. in the stomach. Alice has Flo stay overnight at her place since she seems so depressed, and Flo winds up locking herself in the bathroom all night. She calls Mel and Vera over in the morning to try to help get her out. Alice says that Flo was considering contact lenses but didn’t have the $60 to put down on them. They all agree to pitch in $20 so that she can get them. She comes out right as Mel is trying to break through the door. That afternoon, Mel has his first luncheon of the Buffalos. Flo begins winking at Harleigh, but it is because her contact is bothering her. She goes to change it and drops it on the floor. However, when she can’t find it, she assumes it might be in the Jell-o salad. The girls try to inconspicuously look through the guys’ Jell-o while they are eating it to find the contact. Harleigh bites into something foreign, but it turns out to be one of Mel’s golf teas. He threatens to sue Mel, but Alice saves the day by saying that he won the daily contest and gives away Mel’s golf clubs. Harleigh is so happy with the prize that he says from now on, they will have the Buffalo luncheons at Mel’s. 12/21/22
• 036. Love Is a Free Throw – 1/11/1978
  • Tommy stops in at the diner to ask Alice if he can get a dog, and when she says no to that, he asks if he can have his 18-year-old senior friend Stretch Parker (Brad Gorman) over for the weekend. Tommy and Stretch struck up a friendship when they exchanged Stretch’s free throw lessons for Tommy’s guitar lessons. Stretch tells Alice that he lost his mother when he was twelve years old, and the two of them seem to get along, with Alice requesting that he call her by her first name. As Tommy shows him how to play the song As Time Goes By, Alice sings along, and it becomes clear that Stretch is developing a crush on Alice. From that point, he starts following her around, showing up in the morning for breakfast, and calling her at work. Alice tries to make it clear to him that she isn’t interested in him in a romantic way, but it only leads to him asking her to prom. When she turns him down, Stretch begins moping around his house, doing bad on his tests, and missing free throws during his basketball games. Stretch’s father (Joe Silver) comes to see Alice to tell her she needs to figure out a way to bring Stretch back to reality. Alice decides to try and scare him off by telling him that she wants to marry him. He is stunned at first, especailly as Flo, Vera, and Henry try to tell him he will need to drop out of school and get a good job to support them. Stretch says he thinks he should go to college and then get a job in basketball with the pros. Then he remembers that a semi-pro team already asked him to play for them, so he could eke out a modest living after high school. He swoops Alice into his arms and is ready to tell his father that they are getting married. Flo then stops him and tells him that Alice is already married to Mel, but that that they live apart. When Vera starts crying because she wasn’t invited to the wedding, Alice calls off the ruse and admits that she was just trying to dissuade Stretch from wanting to marry him. He sullenly leaves and tells everyone that he is just as mature as they are. Meanwhile, Henry attempt to replace the phone at Mel’s Diner. 12/22/22
• 037. Close Encounters of the Worst Kind – 1/22/1978
  • Alice has been taking a Psychology class and begins discussing with the others about what she has learned about repression. Alice explains that sometimes don’t express how they really feel about any given situation. Flo doesn’t think she does any repressing when it comes to Alice, but when pushed, Flo admits that sometimes Alice wrinkles her nose when she hears about Flo’s dates. Vera adds that she also twitches her mouth when she doesn’t approve of something. This leads to an argument between Alice and Flo, and Alice can’t stop her wrinkling and twitching when talking about Flo’s dates. Flo maintains that Alice is just jealous since she doesn’t get any dates. The two reach the point that they stop talking, and since Alice won’t call Flo to her table to service her customers, she stars moving the customer into her section. Flo then is furious that Alice is stealing her customers. Meanwhile, Mel and Vera argue over their repressed feelings, and Vera tells Mel she’s tired of his treatment. Two customers, Bill (Larry Hovis) and Helen Dovey (Barbara Sharma) also wind up getting into a fight with each other when Helen finds out that Bill just recently went to a drive-in with Flo. Likewise, officers Sam Fox (Boyd Bodwell) and Allen Wolf (Charles Cyphers) nearly have a showdown when Sam insults Flo. Mel gets so angry at all the chaos that he threatens to shut down the restaurant or fire the girls. Alice arranges to have them all over to her apartment for an encounter group. Although Flo wants to be on a date rather than there, they all agree to participate, but most of the exercises fail. Alice is the only one who will submit to a free fall, and promptly falls to the ground. Alice has them all put smiling paper bags over their heads, but Mel falls asleep under his. Finally, she has them participate in role playing, during which they all do impressions of each other. This eventually leads them all to laughing together and having fun. Alice feels they have resolved a lot and submits to another trust fall… only to be missed by all of them once again. 6/12/23
• 038. The Pharmacist – 1/29/1978
  • Tommy pretends he’s sick at school to get out of a Biology exam, but Alice sends him back to class. Flo is waiting on a lingerie delivery to the diner. Mel doesn’t approve of the catalog but can’t keep his eyes off of it. Vera puts her purse in the refrigerator to keep it safe because she thinks it is the last place a crook would look. A customer named Howard Gillespie (Bob Dishy) comes into the diner get change and then starts trying to phone the President of the United States. As a pharmacist, Gillespie is aghast at the additives being into food that is poisoning the public. Mel tries to throw him out when he keeps telling the customers that the food will kill him, but Gillespie threatens to take a Cyanide pill to make his point. Alice tries to help get the President on the phone, but he is out to lunch. Alice gets in touch with Gillespie’s boss, who verifies that Gillespie is desperate and has real cyanide. Vera suggests that Gillespie tries to reach the Secretary of Health, Education, and Welfare, Joseph A. Califano, but they find out that he is out to lunch with the President. Officers Rice (Stack Pierce) and Adams (William Sherwood) stop in at the diner. When they find out what he is doing, they start to get involved in the situation, but Alice stops them and tells Gillespie that he’s going about this effort in the wrong way. She says that she’s listening to him, and there will be others to help spread the word. She finally convinces him that he’s gone too far, and he gives her the pill. Officer Rice tells him that he won’t arrest him but wants to get him the help he needs. After he leaves, Mr Califano calls the diner and talks to Alice, who gives him Gillespie’s spiel and begins reading him some of the ingredients off of cans of food. Mel tries to make a vegetarian meatloaf. Alice shows up at the diner after visiting Gillespie in the hospital. Flo tells Alice that she was going to send back her tiger-striped nightie, but she has given it to Vera. Gordon Hurst is the customer Gus. 6/12/23
• 039. Love Me, Love My Horse – 2/5/1978
  • After being out all night on a date, Flo shows up late to work the next morning, and announces that her brother Jimmy Joe Castleberry (Burton Gilliam) is coming for a visit from Texas to ride in a rodeo. She also tells Alice that she’s been telling him all about her and he wants to go out with her. Alice is reluctant, but Flo convinces her that Jimmy is just like a male version of her and she finally agrees to give him a chance. After he mistakes Vera for Alice, he finally meets her and confirms that he’s crazy about her. After he sends her enough flowers to fill her apartment, he shows up in a loud, overbearing suit which matches his personality. He takes her to a hidden area on the range and builds a fire and cooks a steak. Alice is freezing cold, so Jimmy breaks out the moonshine. Although he claims his guns only have blanks, he uses one to shoot a rattlesnake, which drives her into his arms. He admits it is a prank, but then he asks her to marry him. Alice returns to the diner the next morning and tells the tale to Vera and Flo, who is ecstatic that Alice is going to be her sister-in-law. Alice then tells her that she declined his offer. Flo is upset and sees it as an insult to her entire family. Jimmy Joe shows up all smiles and admits that he didn’t pay any mind to her refusal. He then says he wants to introduce her to someone and brings his horse Beatrice into the diner. Even though Tommy thinks it would great to live on a ranch in Texas, Alice tells him that she’s not in love with him and that no one including Flo will listen to her. Jimmy Joe then shows up at Alice’s apartment, and Alice tells him she doesn’t want to go through with the routine anymore. However, what he wants to tell her is that Beatrice is off her feed because she is jealous of Alice. He says that a marriage between them would never work because of how the horse feels. Alice tells him that she will be able to pick herself up after the disappointment. 10/6/23
• 040. Florence of Arabia – 2/19/1978
  • Flo has been dating a guy named Ben (Richard Libertini), who has been lavishing her with expensive gifts, including a brand-new fur coat. When Ben shows up at the diner, the girls realize he is actually an Arab Sheik named Abdul Ben Ishmael. Later, Flo shows up at the diner with a giant diamond ring given to her by Ben as he proposed marriage to her. She is reluctant because he wants her to return to his home country for the wedding. However, the deal is sweetened when he comes to see her and tells her that in order to satisfy both of their wishes, he would fly all of her friends to his country in his private jet. Everyone also debates on whether the diamond is real, but when Mel uses it to draw a circle on his front door, the piece of glass falls out of the door in a circular shape. Flo then decides to marry Ben, realizing that the ring is worth about a hundred thousand dollars. With Flo seemingly most interested in the money and the servants, Alice is concerned that she has not once mentioned actually being in love. Flo tells the others that Ben is going to have a party to introduce her to his business associates at a restaurant he is buying called the Casbah. When Ben comes to pick up Flo, Ben lets it slip that he currently has three wives back home. Before Alice can tell Flo this news, Ben whisks her off to the dinner at the Casbah. Alice wants to make sure that she knows this before leaving the country, so she and Vera dress up as Arabian dancing waitresses and follow them to the restaurant. The manager Turham (George Loros) allows them to dance since he is short of help. After Vera dances for and distracts Ben, Alice is able to tell Flo about the wives. She initially doesn’t believe her, but then confronts Ben, and he admits that he does indeed have three wives. Flo decides that there is no way she can share her husband with other women and tells him to kiss her ‘cous-cous’. Alice and Vera continue to dance for the customers, until Turham realizes he now has a new opening and chases Alice out of the restaurant. 10/6/23
• 041. The Cuban Connection – 2/26/1978
  • When Alice’s old singing teacher Ruth (Janis Paige) comes to Phoenix with her famous photographer husband Paco Robles (Desi Arnaz), things quickly go sour when Ruth accuses Paco of getting to friendly with his model subject. She leaves him and goes to stay with Alice as she considers getting a lawyer to start divorce proceedings. Paco comes to see Alice at the diner, and after flirting with Flo, begs her to tell him where Ruth is hiding. Although she tries to keep the secret, she worries too much about their marriage breaking up, so she tells him to come see Ruth at her apartment. Paco shows up there and begs Ruth to let him explain that being with women is part of his job, but when he hedges when she tells him that he can’t look at other women, she storms out. Paco is very upset to see his marriage ending and begins crying on Alice’s shoulder. Ruth comes back in to retrieve something and sees her hugging Paco and jumps to the conclusion that she is after her man. She then becomes furious with Alice as well. The next day, Ruth shows up to talk to Alice and tells her that she needs to let out some of her repressed emotions and smacks Alice in the face. Alice then retaliates by slapping her back, causing her to cover Henry in a plate of spaghetti. After Paco leaves the diner, Mel tries to comfort Ruth with a hug, but Paco returns and thinks that he is trying to steal his wife. They start to get into a fist fight, but it is Alice who winds up getting punched in the face by Paco and ends up with a shiner on her eye. Meanwhile, Vera and her hamster Harold and goldfish Starsky and Hutch go to stay with Flo while her apartment is being painted. They also wind up getting in a fight when Vera lets the hamster roam free, so she goes over to see Alice. Flo follows her there to apologize, and Alice invites them both to just stay so they can have an old-fashioned slumber party. Paco then shows up at the door to tell Alice that he and Ruth have reconciled. However, Alice finds out that Ruth doesn’t know where he is when Ruth shows up again looking for him. Paco insists that Alice hide him, so they stuff him under the covers with Vera’s caged hamster. Alice tells Ruth she hasn’t seen Paco, but Ruth still searches the apartment. They nearly get away with it until Paco asks if she is gone before she has left. When he emerges from the covers of the pull-out bed with the hamster in his hands, Ruth forgives him once again. She also apologizes to Alice for slapping her and they all become friends again. 2/7/24
• 042. Mel’s Big Five-0 – 3/5/1978
  • Mel is dropping hints all day that it is his birthday, including having baked his own cake with a birthday message in hopes that someone would order a piece. Finally, when no one gets the hint, he tells the girls that he is turning fifty but wants no special treatment, no gifts, and no parties. Still, he is surprised when no one jumps at doing anything special for him. When Alice brings him to back room to try on a sweater that she knitted for her Uncle Fred, Mel initially thinks it is for him, then thinks that Vera and Flo were decorating while she kept him busy. However, he is once again disappointed. Flo walks Vera to the theater so she can see the Donald Duck retrospective playing. Alice asks Mel to walk her home due to all of the recent muggings. Mel is then sure that there will be a party waiting for him, but the only person he finds at Alice’s house is a groggy Tommy who wakes up when they arrive. Getting ready to give up on the day, Mel gets a call from the police, who report to him that his diner was just robbed. He and Alice return to the diner to find it dark, and the officer (Noble Willingham) tells him that the burglars stole the light bulbs. The light is then switched on and he finds that there is a surprise party waiting for him with his employees, customers, and friends. Alice tells him that they’ve arranged a roast for him, where she, Flo, Vera, Tommy, and Henry all make fun of Mel on topics ranging from his age to his young skirt chasing, but mostly about the low quality of his food. Although Mel laughs at the jokes throughout the roast, afterward he tells everyone that he’s surprised they thought that he would enjoy something like this. He says it indicates a lack of respect for the hard work he’s done all of his life, then storms out and tells everyone to keep having a good time at his expense. Everyone’s jaws hit the floor, but then he returns and yells out ‘surprise!’ admitting that he loved every minute of it and that it was one of the greatest birthday’s he’s ever had. Vera appears to be missing, but then she jumps out of the cake while scantily clad. 2/7/24
• 043. Don’t Lock Now – 3/12/1978
  • Alice and the gals are excited about their upcoming two days off Sunday and Monday for Arizona Admissions Day. Meanwhile, an elderly woman named Esther (Nedra Volz) stops in with the pies that she bakes and sells to Mel’s Diner for $1.50 each. She also tells them about her son in the Army who is stationed in Fort Dix. Mel calls the girls in to confront them about various food items that seem to be disappearing from the kitchen. Having already checked the girls’ lockers, he doesn’t suspect them but wants them to keep their eye out. When Farley the mailman (Bill McLean) delivers the phone bill, and he finds out that someone has been making long-distance calls to Juliustown, New Jersey. Everyone seems to suspect Alice since she is from New Jersey, but she assures everyone it is not her. Mel decides to file a claim for theft insurance and asks someone to help him take inventory so that he can figure out exactly what is missing. Alice volunteers, and the other two agree to help out so they can get done quicker. On Sunday, while the girls are taking inventory, Mel installs new locks on the two doors leading into the backroom, and a lock on the phone so no one can make any calls. When Vera goes to grab a broom, she accidentally closes the door and locks them all in, while the keys are out in the eating area in Mel’s toolbox. Believing they may be stuck there for the next two days, they start playing games and trying to find something to eat. They fight over an M&M and try to split it four ways, until Flo simply eats it all. Mel also breaks the screwdriver when he tries to open a large can of peaches. As they try to make sleeping arrangements for the night, the burglar returns through the back door. It turns out to be Esther, who has been using her set of master keys that her late husband the locksmith left her, calling her son at Fort Dix to talk to him. She also admits that she’s been stealing the ingredients to the pies she makes in order to sell them for so cheap. Mel wants her to pay him $50 for the ingredients she stole and $14 for the phone calls. She tells him to ‘sit on it’ and storms out, leaving them locked in the storeroom. Later, Esther pays Mel for her phone calls after her son sends her some money. However, she is now selling her pies for $2.50 each to reflect the increase of price in ingredients. 6/26/24
• 044. The Star in the Storeroom – 3/19/1978
  • While Mel is looking at the horse races in the paper, Vera notices that country-western singer Jerry Reed (himself) is coming to town to play at the Coliseum. Unfortunately, there are very few tickets left, and Alice has already been up until 3am the night before trying unsuccessfully to get them for Tommy. Flo claims that she used to babysit for Jerry when he was four years old back when they lived in Cow Town, Texas. She thinks she might be able to talk to him and get tickets, while the others, especially Mel, have doubts that she ever knew him. She calls him at the hotel where he is staying in town and speaks to his manager Cappy Clayton (Graham Jarvis), telling him who she is. When Cappy asks Jerry if he remembers her, he says he does not. Nevertheless, Flo pretends that the call was successful and tells the other that Jerry will try to get the tickets. Back at the hotel, as Cappy and Jerry discuss the laughable attempt that Flo made, Jerry starts to recall that he and his family did live in Cow Town and that their neighbors were the Castleberrys. He decides to visit Mel’s diner on the way to the concert and give them the tickets after all. He creeps into the diner and tries to surprise Flo, but she winds up spilling a large can of ketchup all over his clothes. Jerry is forced to wear one of the waitress dresses in the storeroom while Flo takes the clothes to Bubba to be cleaned. Vera bothers him for autographs, and Alice tries to audition for him, but Mel sends them back to work, as the diner has filled with customers hoping to catch a glimpse of Jerry. Mel thanks him by offering him so ice cream. Flo returns with his outfit, but after he gets it on, Vera brings him his ice cream and offers him some chocolate syrup. Although being delicate with the syrup, Alice comes back in singing at the top of her lungs, causing him to spill the sauce all over himself. Flo takes his clothes back to Bubba to clean and returns them in twenty minutes. Jerry heads to his concert, leaving Tommy the five tickets for the show, but he is mobbed by the crowd, and his clothes are ripped to shreds. Jerry winds up performing that night wearing Mel’s white outfit and cap, which he wants to retrieve now that they are collector’s items. 6/27/24
• 045. Mel’s Recession – 4/2/1978
  • Mel is in a particularly bad mood one day, and the girls start prodding him to find out why. He tells them that after meeting with his accountant, Mel finds out that he isn’t making any profit, and his accountant has told him that he needs to cut overhead. He believes that the only way to do this is to let one of the waitresses go. The ladies all worry about who will be the one cut, and they immediately shift their work into high gear in order to impress Mel. Henry then tells Flo about a new sandwich shop that has just opened and is looking for a waitress at $4 per hour. Flo is enticed by this job, so she volunteers to quit so that the other ladies can keep their job. However, when Alice finds out about this job, she realizes Flo wasn’t being so noble after all. All of the waitresses now want this job, so they draw straws to see who gets it. Vera wins out, but then Henry tells them that the job is to be a topless waiter. Back to square one, the girls again start to try and impress Mel with their work. Vera waxes the kitchen floor, and Flo and Alice soon jump in to help, but this only infuriates Mel when he slips on the wax and drops a carton full of eggs. After the bickering between the girls also intensifies, Alice, Flo, and Vera then agree that none of them will try and get special attention or favors from Mel. That evening, Alice stops over at Mel’s place and tries to brainstorm ideas so that he can increase sales and not have to fire any of them. When Flo also stops by, Alice hides in the closet so that it doesn’t look like she is trying to save her own job. Mel assures Flo that Alice isn’t there, so Flo starts to try and romance Mel and re-live a past fling that they had between them. This prompts Alice to jump out of the closet to stop her seduction. As the two of them point fingers at each other, Vera comes to the door, prompting Alice and Flo to both hide in the closet. Vera only wants to resign her job because she knows that Alice and Flo need the job more since Vera has saved some of her money in her Christmas account. When Vera mentions that Flo is too old to get another job, it enrages Flo and causes her to jump out of the closet. When Vera sees that Alice and Flo are both there to undermine her, she decides to take back her resignation. Mel finally has had enough and tells them that he isn’t going to fire any of them, but rather will fire his accountant. 10/26/24
• 046. Earthquake – 4/9/1978
  • It’s been an unusually quiet morning at Mel’s Diner, with only one customer named Harry (Ancel Cook) coming in. Vera comes in late and says that she thinks the reason no one is there is because it is earthquake weather. In addition, she says that she heard on the radio that an old Indian in a weeklong trance predicted an earthquake will hit at 11:37am that morning. Vera also has a little book she bought at the store called the Handy Disaster Book that has a lot of information about earthquakes and other natural disasters. Mel is excited when two customers come in, but then they find out that it is a cop named Driscoll (Edward Binns) handcuffed to his prisoner Reese (J.J. Barry). Another customer named Gus (Gordon Hurst) comes in and says he was up all night because his dogs were barking all night. This seems to be further proof of an impending earthquake. Alice starts to become very nervous as she has never been through an earthquake before. Flo notices that someone has been taking money from their tip glass, and it has been going on for a few weeks. Reese and Driscoll do a lot of bickering as Reese tries to stall by ordering an order of fancy food. As Driscoll is taking Reese to the restroom, everyone feels a light tremor, which Vera identifies as a localized pre-shock. Mel, however, says that it is just a big truck passing by. Nevertheless, he starts taking precautions in case an earthquake does come later. Everyone gets more and more nervous as the clock crawls toward 11:37, and Flo starts moving dishes to the floor. While Reese is in the restroom, the clock passes 11:37 and everyone believes they are in the clear. Mel thinks that customers will start pouring in now, but Vera points out that the Indian may have been using a sundial. Just then the earthquake hits in full force and knocks a lot of things off the wall and causes dust to fly from the ceiling. Alice checks to make sure Tommy is alright at school. Driscoll pays their bill, and they leave for Los Angeles from prison. Mel decides to close the diner for the day while he waits for his insurance agent. Vera makes a confession that it has been her taking the money from the tip jar. She says she’s been doing it for a month and has been putting it into savings in order to keep them from spending it as soon as they got it. Flo is annoyed by this until Vera tells them that with the interest, they now have $72.13, so Flo tells her to keep up the good work. Later, Mel puts the finishing touch on getting the diner back in shape. Alice points out that the weather is now beautiful with fresh air and a gentle breeze. Vera points out that her Handy Disaster Book indicates that this is hurricane weather. 10/27/24

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