The Terrible Catsafterme

SEASON 1 – NBC

Created by Nat Hiken

Theme song: “Car 54, Where Are You?” composed by Nat Hiken and John Strauss

• 001. Who’s For Swordfish? – 9/17/1961
  • Francis Muldoon (Fred Gwynne) and Gunther Toody (Joe E. Ross) are police officer partners at the 53rd Precinct in New York City. On their day off they go fishing in their rowboat, and see one of their fellow officers Dennis O’Hara (Albert Henderson) out fishing for swordfish on his brother-in-law’s cruiser. Toody is hellbent to get O’Hara to invite him and Francis to go along, but O’Hara refuses, since his brother-in-law doesn’t even like him. Toody and Muldoon try to butter up O’Hara by giving him flowers and letting him use Muldoon’s car, but that only leads to O’Hara’s wife Helen (Sybil Lamb) thinking that he has another woman on the side. Toody also does O’Hara’s paperwork but botches it drastically. O’Hara then agrees to ask his brother-in-law if Toody agrees to stop doing him favors. The brother-in-law agrees to let them go on Wednesday, so Toody manages to con his wife Lucille (Beatrice Pons) into allowing him to go on their anniversary. The brother-in-law then changes the date to Thursday, so Toody and Muldoon talk Captain Paul Block (Paul Reed) into changing the new updated assignment board so that they can switch days off with Officer Nelson (Jim Gormley) and Officer Wally Wallace (Frederick O’Neal). Block and the officers agrees but it precipitates a series of schedule changes with Officer Joe Steinmetz (Joe Warren), Officer Ed Nicholson (Hank Garrett), Officer Harry Reilly (Duke Farley), and others… causing Officer Dave Anderson (Nipsey Russell) to all but destroy the new assignment board. After all changes are made, Muldoon realizes they are assigned to traffic court on Thursday. This leads to a whole new round of changes so that Toody and Muldoon can be on traffic duty, and not give out any traffic tickets. When Toody pulls over a driver named Harold Conroy (Ralph Stantley) for jumping a stop sign, both Toody and Muldoon try to avoid issuing a ticket but the man is so difficult they are forced to write the ticket after they wind up with six cops and the Inspector (Milo Boulton) on the scene. More changes, more destruction to the board… all resulting in someone else taking Muldoon and Toody’s place in court so that they can go on their fishing trip. However when they show up for the boat, O’Hara meets them there to tell them that the trip is off due his brother-in-law Harold Conroy being in traffic court that day for jumping a stop  sign. Jerome Guardino is Officer Antonnucci. Shelley Burton is Murdock. Jock McGraw is the Fishing Captain. Nathaniel Frey is Sgt. Sol Abrahms.  12/27/18

• 002. Something Nice for Sol – 9/24/1961
  • Toody is heading up the gift committee to buy Sol a gift for his 25th anniversary on the force. Toody keeps changing his mind from watch to ID bracelet to a new smoking jacket after he sees the stolen loot from Haberdasher Harry (Bernard West). Meanwhile Sol, who has horrible feet, becomes paranoid when he sees Toody and the gang having so many meeting, and tells his wife Sandra (Mildred Clinton) that he’s worried he’s about to be fired. When Toody and Muldoon go downtown to look for a jacket, Toody changes his mind yet again and decides to get Sol orthopedic shoes. Toody calls the guys down to the shop to have one more committee meeting and then engages the orthopedist Mr. Webster (Gerald Hiken) to try and get measurements on Sol without his known. This involves him casing the police station, stealing his shoe, and breaking in to take molds of his feet while he is sleeping, with Sandra’s cooperation. Ultimately they are able to convince him he was dreaming when he wakes up and Francis is forced to knock him out when he spots Webster in his house. They surprise Sol at the station with a party, but when he sees Webster, he’s once again convinced he’s getting booted. However once he gets the shoes on, he’s thrilled with his new ability to walk lightly. Sgt. Block gives a speech, but when he mentions his upcoming 25th anniversary, he is aghast when Toody starts gathering the committee members to plan the next party. Mark Dawson is Corbett. Fred O’Neal is Wallace. Michael Gorrin is the painter. Mel Stewart is Officer Garfield. Diane Deering is the dowager. Janet Fox and Bryant Fraser are the mother and boy. Lou Polan is Kissell. Charles Mayer is the store proprietor. Judith Lowery is the woman in the store. Elba Ocampo is the Spanish woman. Tony Carrado is the poolroom proprietor.  12/29/18
• 003. Home Sweet Sing Sing – 10/1/1961
  • Longtime Sing Sing resident “Backdoor” Benny Harper (Gene Baylos) gets released from prison and makes his way to the police station to see Toody. Sgt. Abrams and Captain Block are concerned that he is looking for revenge, but as soon as Toody comes in, the two embrace. Toody has promised Benny that he can stay with him and Lucille as his new home until he gets back on his feet. Toody has a hard time convincing Lucille, but as soon as she sees Benny’s puppy-dog eyes, she warms up to him. Benny seems nervous with plenty of facial twitches whenever he encounters new things, so Toody and Lucille try to make him feel like he’s in prison, by having several people over for mess, taking all the furniture out of his room, and locking him in his bedroom. Toody and Muldoon try to get him a job but have no luck with Perry Bros clothiers or at Harry Klein’s (Michael Vale) menswear, they turn to Milhauser Piano Co., where they know Benny can’t steal the merchandise. However his job is taking a large deposit to the bank, so they have nearly every officer in town tail him. This continues for three weeks, but just when they think Benny is in the swing of things, it becomes obvious he is pining to be back at Sing Sing. Lucille suggests that the guys give Benny some time to go out alone, so they reluctantly comply. Unfortunately, Captain Block calls them and tells them that Benny’s been picked up for robbing a store. Benny seems in a hurry to get the paperwork rolling so he can get back to jail, but before he can go, the real robbers are brought in. Toody and Lucille give him one more shot at home, but it is no use. He is hellbent on returning to his ‘home’ and even the guys can’t stop him from committing a crime… as he’s already pick-pocketed Captain Block’s watch. Edwin Bruce is Klein’s nephew. Bruce Kirby is the arresting officer. 1/14/19
• 004. Change Your Partner – 10/8/1961
  • Down at headquarters, Bureau of Personnel Chief R.D. Bradley (Dan Frazer) has been studying the average length that patrol partners stay together before asking for a transfer. The average time is 16 months, and Officers Hamilton (Bruce Kirby) and Nelson give his some reasons why: always little things like foot tapping and repeated opening and closing the glove compartment. Bradley thinks it’s an error when he sees that Toody and Muldoon have been together nine years, so he calls over to Captain Block to verify. Block thinks he’s done something wrong, so he tries to get Toody and Muldoon to switch to new partners. They aren’t interested, but worse yet, the start to think that the other requested the switch, so by the end of the day they are fighting with each other. Bradley comes to the 53rd Precinct and both he and Block are surprised to see the officers at odds with each other. Block realizes what’s going on, so he assures the men that it was his idea to break them up. Once they make up, Bradley conducts interviews with each man individually. The both say there is nothing the other does that gets on their nerves, but then offhandedly Toody calls out how Muldoon always pulls on his ear, and Muldoon calls out how Toody constantly uses the phrases “Jumpin’ Jehosephat” and “Ooh Ooh.” These annoyances blossom into a big fight by the end of the day, so by the time they return to the precinct, where Bradley has engaged a newspaper to do a human interest story on them, they’re at each other’s throats again. Muldoon and Toody each request separate partners, but although they each go through several, no one can take Toody’s incessant chattering or Muldoon’s lack of talking. Eventually the Captain devises a plan to get them back together by calling both to the scene of an accident. Everyone leaves them behind, along with Car 54, so they take the bait, get in and revert to their old habits… this time not bothering the other man a single bit. Phil Kennedy is Lt. Benton. Bruce Glover is Officer Reilly. Ruth Masters is Francis’s mother. 1/14/19
• 005. I Won’t Go – 10/15/1961
  • Construction foreman Al Spencer (Al Lewis) is up in arms when he can’t get an elderly woman named Rachel Bronson (Molly Picon) to leave a condemned apartment to make way for an approach to the George Washington Bridge. A process server named George Carmody (John O’Leary) serves her with papers as the construction crew waits outside, but she merely complains because the landlord  – which doesn’t exist – hasn’t fixed the leaky sink or the doorbell. She also makes the visit social and makes him cake, and gives him grocery lists for him to fulfill for her. The City Housing Authority passes it off to the Highway Commission. Their man Ellison (Maurice Shrog) gets the same treatment, so on it goes to Mr. O’Brady (Milo Boulton) with Public Works. His man Birchfield (Van Dexter) once again gets the same results, so they finally get the Police Commissioner Leonard O’Malley (Matt Crowley) to assign the task to Captain Block and the 53rd Precinct. Toody and Muldoon get the assignment, so they head over… and immediately stymied in their tracks. Although Francis tries to be stern, Toody is more interested in eating her cake. They wind up fixing her leak and reporting back to Block that they were unsuccessful. Block goes and winds up fixing her doorbell. Even O’Malley has no luck. Finally they resort to female health inspector Mary Henderson (Mona Moore), but this just leads to Mrs. Henderson trying to match make between her and Francis. Finally she admits to the officers that she is waiting for her dog Queenie to come back home. She explains that the dog leaves for three months at a time and always returns like clockwork. Toody and Muldoon go on a citywide hunt to find the dog, but come up unsuccessful. However when they return to the station they find a man named Mr. Martin (Douglas Herrick) who is inquiring on whether he needs a permit to rent out one of his rooms. His grandson (Vincent Lynch) has a dog who looks exactly like Queenie, but they maintain it their dog Prince… who disappears every three months and then returns home. The guys figure out that the dog is one and the same and convince Mrs. Bronson to rent out the spare room. The officers run into her later with her new family, and find out that Mr. Martin has asked her to marry him. Dave Kerman is Berger. 1/11/20
• 006. Muldoon’s Star – 10/22/1961
  • A news reporter (Arthur Clark) repeatedly interrupts the broadcast to give the status of actress Tessie “The Torso” Tangiers (Lisa Loughlin) who has walked off the set of her latest film and disappears, only to re-emerge in Idlewild Airport, where she is mobbed by fans and reporters. The police are there to protect her and she winds up in Toody’s car, where she tells him that she’s tired of only being portrayed as a sex symbol and wants more serious acting roles. Toody suggests that she get some peace and quiet by renting a room at Mrs. Muldoon’s house with Francis and his sisters Cathy (Nancy Donohue) and Peggy (Helene Parker). Francis, being a fan of Teesie’s, is a nervous wreck when he finds out that she is really staying there, after believing that Gunther was only making a joke. Soon she becomes restless and agrees to go out dancing with Francis and his sisters as long as she is in a homely disguise so she won’t be recognized. Meanwhile two busybodies (Amelie Barleon, Sally Demay) have reported to Lucille that strange woman was being driven by Gunther, but when Lucille realizes who she is, she swoons to be in the presence of a movie star. Toody and Lucille join them dancing, and when one of the male dancers turns down Tessie in favor of Lucille, this makes Toody extra amorous with his wife for the rest of the night. During the dance, the acting teacher hosts some improvisations where one student named Theresa does an impression of Tessie. Then Tessie herself gets up and does the same impression of her self. The teacher raves about her performance imitating such a shallow and unintelligent woman. This causes her to storm out, and Francis and the Toodys follow. Instead of driving her back to the boarding house, he takes her to the airport and tells her that she belongs in Hollywood so she can continue to make pictures that will live in the hearts of men like him forever. Jack Healy is Officer Michael Rodriguez. Tom Ahearne is the police captain. Wood Romoff is Verdon. Bill Cameron is Al. 1/12/20
• 007. The Paint Job – 10/29/1961
  • There is a rash of squad cars at the 53rd precinct that are in for repair, which means that officers without a car are often assigned to dangerous task like mitigating union strikes. Meanwhile a couple are picked up for having a stolen car that was sold to them by a bunko racket led by Honest Uncle Joe (Everett Everett), Lefty (Al Nesor), and the blonde moll Leona (Iris Paul). Toody is adamant about Francis driving slowly as to avoid an accident to the point that he is only driving 15mph and holding up a line of traffic. When they pull over a woman (Claire Waring) who is weaving, after giving her a warning, she backs into their squad car and destroys 54’s fender. They take it a body shop run by Al (Al Lewis) and his partner Lou (Billy Sands), who happen to be painting a similar stolen white four-door Sedan green for the thieves that are planning to supply to an elderly couple (Wayne Wilson, Maria Pinckard) who like green. Al and Lou are paranoid when Toody and Muldoon show up, and agree to paint the white Sedan like their squad car while they get their repaired. They leave the garage and report to Mr. Lucas (Harry Gresham), the owner of the white Sedan, who describes the car and a Teddy Bear that is in the glove compartment… and realize that they are actually driving Lucas’s car. Lefty and Leona also return to the garage to pick up their stolen car, and inadvertently drive away in Toody and Muldoon’s car, believing that they are being chased by the cops when they turn on their own siren, and then scaring off their own boss Uncle Joe. They return to the garage, as do Toody and Muldoon, where they arrest the car thieves and body shop men, retrieve the cars and return the coupe to a very pleased Lucas. However when they find a Teddy Bear in their car, and Lucas turn on the siren, they realize that Lou and Al, who are going free for turning state’s evidence, has painted the wrong car. John Murphy is the boy Bobby Sterling. 4/29/20
• 008. Love Finds Muldoon – 11/5/1961
  • Although Toody is jealous that Francis has the freedom to go do whatever he wants whenever he wants, Lucille wants to find him a wife. When she runs into an old classmate from high school named Bonita Kalsheim (Alice Ghostley) who is single, she invites her over to have dinner and meet Francis. She tells Lucille that despite being extremely popular in school, she has remained single all of her life because she always held her movie idol Ramon Novarro as the standard for every man she dated, and now considers that Navarro has ruined her life and wants no man that looks anything like him. Francis is disgusted that Lucille is trying to set him up and has no interest whatsoever in Bonita, who puts on a virtual talent show highlighting her musical, dancing, and even weightlifting ability. She then begins to show up everywhere he goes, from the diner to the scene of an accident to a his own home, where she prepares him a spicy meal on top of what his mother and sisters are serving him. Eventually Miss Kalsheim is ready to give up, but Lucille tells her to go home and not answer the phone. Francis shows up to Lucille’s birthday dinner fulling expecting to see Miss Kalsheim there as normal, and when she isn’t, Francis starts to grow wistful and craves her spicy foods. He begins calling and trying to visit her to no avail, and finally breaks down and begs Lucille to get her back for him. He takes her out for dinner to propose, but they run into one of her former shunned boyfriends who speaks harshly toward her. When Francis gets aggressive toward the man, Miss Kalsheim storms out, and tells him that his aggressiveness reminded her too much of Ramon Novarro for her to ever see him again. The man tells Muldoon that they had dated for three years until one day while they were rowing a boat, she jumped out and swam away and never returned to him because his rowing reminded her of Novarro. K. Kadison is Ed the counterman. 4/30/20
• 009. The Gypsy Curse – 11/12/1961
  • A citizen named Mr. Kramer (Maurice Brenner) complains that a gypsy woman named Anna Lupesco (Maureen Stapleton) told his fortune and then stole his wallet. Toody and Muldoon are asked to investigate so they take Kramer to the abandoned shop where Anna is living with her husband (George Del Monte), daughter Becca (Ivy Allen), and little boy (Mark Hunter). They are told they can’t live in a business dwelling but she claims they are a licensed distributor of diesel locomotives. The Captain then sends them back and have Toody pose as a civilian, and when she steals his money, she is notified that the bills are marked and that if they don’t leave the precinct, charges will be pressed. Defeated, Anna says she will leave but puts a gypsy curse on Toody that he will break out in hives and that his wife will leave him. Toody fears that the curses will come true, and soon enough he starts to break out. When he goes home, he tries to be extra helpful with Lucille but they wind up in a fight arguing that they both want to take out the garbage. Lucille does in fact leave him to go live with her sister Rose Henderson (Martha Greenhouse). Francis come over to take care of Toody, and when he starts waiting on him hand and foot, Francis finally agrees to return to the gypsy to have the curse removed. Unfortunately, they’ve cleared out of town, so Gunther goes to see Professor Elliot Griswald (Lance Cunard), who has written a book debunking superstition. He gets the idea of him how to use a counter-curse, which involves wearing chicken bones around his neck, putting a raw egg in his air, and putting mushrooms in his pocket. He goes to see Lucille, but their fight is exacerbated when she thinks he is wearing the garbage to rub in their fight. Muldoon continues to search for Anna, and finally locates the family moved into a new store. He takes Gunther to see her, but when he tells her that the curse worked, she freaks out because she actually told the truth. This coupled with the fact that Anna has to admit to her husband that her father once took a job, makes the family decide they need to go straight. Before she leaves, Lucille comes in to see Anna, so she agrees to tell Lucille that Gunther is a great man, so that she can go out on a high note lying like a dog. Lucille and Gunther reconcile… and it is revealed she is now wearing chicken bones. 8/9/20
• 010. Thirty Days Notice – 11/19/1961
  • Gunther and Lucille are fed up with their run-down apartment as they seemingly have to pound the wall to get every light, appliance, door, and window to function properly. Their landlord Mr. Corfu (Henry Lascoe) refuses to make any repairs because they are on a frozen rent of $45 per month and refuse to pay a 15% increase. Gunther thinks it will be easy to find another apartment, so he signs a contract that they will be vacating in 30 days if everything isn’t fixed, while Corfu rejoices at finally getting rid of them. As Gunther starts looking for apartments, he begins to realize that comparable apartments are more than $300 a month. A break comes his way when former criminal Al Cooper (Michael Vale) is found with stolen property and his only alibi is that he got drunk on New Years Eve, the night of the robbery and wound up with a blonde woman he can’t identify. He has a beautiful apartment that is frozen at $55 a month and agrees to let Toody have it if he is found guilty and sentenced to jail. As the trial proceeds, Francis gives Toody live reports, but the tide keeps turning as Cooper keeps bouncing between having the sympathy and ire of jury and judge (John Alexander), causing Toody to keep having movers take stuff out and bring it back in, while a family waits for occupancy. Ultimately Cooper is found guilty and Gunther gets last minute instructions about how to care for the apartment as Cooper is hauled off to jail. Gunther feels guilty about wanting him to be sent away, but Lucille reminds him that it isn’t his fault that Cooper committed the crime. In the middle of the night the blonde woman enters the apartment, who turns out to be Cooper’s former wife (Virginia Wilson), and also the woman he drunkenly hooked up with on New Years Eve. They have no place to live, but Lucille notes that everyone else is happy with the situation. However the new family in their old apartment is in fact not happy with the way the apartment is falling apart. They tell Corfu they are leaving, so Corfu gets back in touch with the Toodys and soon they are moved back into their old place. Corfu attempts to fix the electric, but turning on the light still blows open all of the cabinets and the refrigerator. Ralph Stantley is Lt. Morgan. Dort Clark is the District Attorney. Jerry Jarrett is the witness Bernie. George McCoy is Detective Carl Manzer. Lou Polan is Mr. Morris.  8/9/20
• 011. Catch Me on the Paar Show – 11/26/1961
  • Gunther finds the mediocre comedy of Officer Charlie Fleischer (Mickey Deems) to be uproariously funny, and he can’t stop laughing even when he just thinks about it. Gunther tells Francis that he thinks he has enough material to be on The Jack Paar Show, and gets Francis to admit that he is even funnier than announcer Hugh Downs, despite Downs not being a comedian. Sure enough the next person that Gunther pulls over is Hugh Downs (himself) himself. Downs tells Gunther that he is on the way to the studio because he is filling in as host on The Jack Paar Show. Gunther forces him to wait, and then brings Charlie down to tell him jokes, until Downs finally agrees to let him come on the show. Gunther and Charlie start to get carried away and put in their resignations at the police force, with Gunther planning to be Charlie’s manager and take him all over the country. Francis tries to talks some sense into Gunther, but before he knows it, Gunther has Francis believing that he will be helping Gunther manage Dean Martin, Frank Sinatra, and Doris Day. On the night that Charlie actually performs on the show, he comes down with crippling stage fright and Gunther has to tell his jokes for him, winding up getting a great reaction himself. Suddenly everyone in the precinct thinks that Gunther is uproariously funny… except for Francis. Charlie agrees to become Gunther’s manager, but he again freezes up when Hugh Downs calls and asks him back on the show. Francis then agrees to be Gunther’s manager when he hears that Downs has asked him back. the consult Father Flannagan (John Gibson) and Rabbi  Eisenberg (Shelley Berman) in order to get some of their material for Gunther to do. Unfortunately, when Gunther finally gets on stage, he freezes up too. This time it is Francis who has to step in and start telling the jokes. Joe Alfasa is Tailor Wilson. Rik Colitti is the prisoner. Tom Geraghty is Butcher Winchell. Gloria McCarty is Mrs. Kilgallen. 11/24/20
• 012. The Taming of Lucille – 12/3/1961
  • After mouthing off to the guys about being henpecked by their wives when they can’t go bowling with him because of marital commitments, Toody himself receives a scathing call from Lucille demanding that he come home after work because her sister Rose is bringing her husband Al (Carl Ballantine) over for dinner. To add insult to injury, both Rose and Lucille fall all over themselves to please and wait on Al, while Gunther goes completely ignored. The next night Toody and Muldoon are required to work late to cover an outdoor Shakespeare event where they are watching The Taming of the Shrew. Gunther is more than impressed the way Petrucio (Martin E. Brooks) takes command over the shrewish Katherine (Jane White). Meanwhile Lucille is at home with Rose watching a movie on TV called Crane’s Wife, in which a woman browbeats her husband so bad that he finally leaves her. By the end of the movie, Lucille is in tears, convinced that Gunther will do the same to her. Toody decides to emulate Petrucio to get Lucille under control. He barely has to say a thing when he gets home, because she is already at his beck and call, agreeing to let him go out every night until 2am with his friends. After doing this for over a week, most of Gunther’s friends all have to bail out on him by midnight, while he feels he must stay out until 2am since that is what he demanded to do. Eventually he wants out of the deal, as Lucille is driving him crazy by waiting on him constantly. Muldoon makes a phony phone call to the scandalous Stork Club and insinuates that Gunther is out with the dancing girls all night. This time when Toody arrives home, she douses him with water and begins a screaming tirade, while Gunther smiles through the whole lashing. Other actors in the play include Baptista (Albert Quinton), Gremio (James Valentine), and Bianca (Elaine Winters). 11/24/20
• 013. Put It in the Bank – 12/10/1951
  • Toody is appointed treasurer of the officers’ Brotherhood Club, and they have saved over $800 to fund a children’s summer camp. Muldoon and the others warn Toody to put the money in the bank, and Toody makes Muldoon promise to make him do it. However when he arrives at the bank, he runs into Fink Foster (James Dukas) and Tony Shoeshine (Gilbert Mack), both of whom brag about hitting it big in the stock market. Toddy rushes back to the officers and pitches his idea, with the majority agreeing that they can make more money in the stock market. Muldoon tries to convince them to see an investment advisor, but Toody is hellbent on taking Fink and Tony’s advice… until he sees Fink get arrested, and Tony back in the station shining shoes after their stock goes bust. Mr. Clark (John C. Becher) proposes that they buy two shares of International Sulphur, a very strong, safe company. Toody agrees, but then can’t sleep at night worrying that they company is a fake. Muldoon takes him to see the building the next day, and Toody insists on meeting the president C.F. Cartwright (John Alexander). When other stockbrokers see the police going into his office, and then Cartwright come out crying after being moved to tears by Muldoon’s tale of the children’s summer camp, news spreads like wildfire to sell the stock. It takes a dip for the first time in years, so this time all of the officers go to see Cartwright. He gives them their books so they can see they are a solid company, but to the same investors as before, it looks like their books are being confiscated. Stock drops again, so once again they return, and this time give him an escort to the airport so he can meet with the Secretary of the Treasury in Washington to investigate the causes of the drops. Eventually Cartwright returns and the stock stabilizes after it is determined that the company is in fact solid. In order to prevent further rumors, Cartwright offers double the money to buy back the stock… and insists that Toody put it in the bank. However, after telling the same sob story to the bank manager (Walter Butterfield), everyone in the bank sees the president emerge in tears, and they all start trying to pull their money out. Heywood Hale Brown is Mr. Wayne. Lew Polan is Edwards. Harry Gresham is a broker. 3/15/21
• 014. Get Well, Officer Schnauser – 12/17/1961
  • Schnauser is laid up in the hospital with three broken toes, but the Brotherhood Get Well Fund is down to its last nine dollars, after some unexpected expenditures over the last month. Meanwhile, FBI agent Cunningham (Frank Marth) comes to see Captain Block to ask for some assistance from Toody. There is a notorious bank robber in the precinct know as ‘No Face’ for his ability to disguise his face at every robbery, and he thinks only Toody can identify him since he once went to high school with him. Toody doesn’t know what his face looks like because he only saw his legs when they played football together. The Captain tells him to go out in disguise and take a look around at banks to see if he can find him. Despite the Captain’s warning about not overdoing it, Toody disguises himself as a beatnik. Coincidentally Muldoon is in the same bank to draw out the money for Schnauser, and notices the suspicious ‘beatnik’. Muldoon engages the bank security guard (Dick O’Neill) to help arrest Toody. While they are talking, Miss Berger the bank clerk (Charlotte Rae) believes Toody is robbing her, and shoves $37,000 into his bag, while Muldoon never notices. Muldoon then takes the money to Schnauser and drop it off. Miss Berger describes the robber to a sketch artist, who comes up with a great image of Muldoon’s face. When the Captain sees it, he tears it up, frustrated that the bank was robbed while he had two officers in there. Schnauser comes to the precinct ecstatic about his money, but when the Captain hears how much he has, he knows what happened somehow, and returns the money to the bank president (Lawrence Fletcher). The bank rewards the officers by putting $100 into the Get Well Fund, but when Muldoon goes to draw it out, Miss Berger thinks he is robbing them again. Billy Sands is the thief who gets involved in the conversation about the Get Well fund. 3/15/21
• 015. Christmas at the 53rd – 12/24/1961
  • The 53rd Precinct hosts their Brotherhood Club Christmas party, with Muldoon and Toody organizing and hosting. Before the show some of the kids run amuck in the station, then everyone settles in for the follies. The Captain performs the first number Captain of the 53rd with a group of officers. Block then plays a record from the Department of Public Relations with a speech about The Well-Dressed Policeman, while the best-dressed patrolman Charlie Fleischer, who rips his clothes off as he tries to show off the proper way to dress. Toody then sings You’re Nobody Until Somebody Loves You with the guitar accompaniment of Muldoon. Schnauser then does a skit in which he explains the Torch of Brotherhood with fellow officers, but they all wind up in an argument as they try to agree on what it stands for. Muldoon then leads his band of crooner The Whippoorwills in singing A Policeman’s Lot. Toody then introduces his brother-in-law Al Henderson and his wife Rose performing several feats of magic, highlighted by him destroying and restoring the Captain’s watch. Francis then introduces his girlfriend Bonnie, who sings a French torch song about Irving. Finally Toody and Muldoon express their admiration for each other by singing The Mutual Admiration Society. The Captain wishes each guest a Merry Christmas as they file out. One officer cleans up the party as the Desk Sergeant Feldman (Phillip Carter) keeps taking calls. Robert Ader is Joe Reilly. Billie Allen is Mrs. Dave Anderson, and Duane Harper Grant is his son. Milton Chapman is Officer Miller. Jerry Graff is Officer Pucci. 7/18/21
• 016. The Sacrifice – 1/7/1962
  • Gunther is put a little out-of-sorts when Captain Block and other officers keep coming to Francis to spout of rules and regulation, and recall certain dates and times of arrests in the past. Gunther thinks he is showing off and making him look bad, but soon cooler heads prevail and Toddy apologizes for snapping at him, and Francis assures him that Gunther may not have memorized regulations, but he is still an effective cop. He tells Muldoon that he learns all of the laws by watching cop shows on television, then spouts off all of the cop shows he will watch that night. Unfortunately, he comes home to find that the repairman (James Dukas) has taken the TV to be fixed. Gunther doesn’t know what he’ll do without it, but Lucille tries to get him started on a book called The Sacrifice. After reading one sentence, Gunther can’t put down the story of two actors Elmo and Rex, about a performer named Rex who is being held back by his partner Elmo, so he gets Rex angry at him so he’ll strike out on his own… leading to Rex winning an Oscar. Gunther equates this to how he is holding Francis back, so he picks a series of fights with Francis. This nearly works, but Francis loses all of his confidence, to the point that he can no longer even write a ticket to a difficult motorist (John C. Becher). When Francis’s mother has his sister Cathy over for dinner, and she brings along her psychology professor Mr. Benedict (Philip Bruns), Francis tells him his situation. Benedict gives Francis an aptitude test that indicates that Francis should be an exterminator. Francis tries to put in his resignation, but Captain Block tries to talk him out of it, telling him he’s the one officer he had high hopes for. Toody suggests that they remind Francis of all his citations… even when he didn’t have any. Francis decides to stay in his current job, but the next morning he is mean and insulting to Toody. It is revealed that Francis is reading The Sacrifice too, and wants to convince Toody that he needs to shoot for a higher position. Michael Conrad is Smasher. Bryant Fraser is the boy with his head stuck in the fence. 7/19/21
• 017. Boom, Boom, Boom – 1/14/1962
  • The 53rd Precinct is entering Toody, Muldoon, Schnauzer, and Nelson into the City Employees Annual Barbershop Quartet Contest, in which comedian Jan Murray (himself) will be acting as one of the guest judges. Although Murray brags about having nerves as solid as a rock, with 162 quartets performing the same song, By the Light of the Silvery Moon Murray starts to get twitchy and crazy at the sound of the background singers all singing a constant “boom, boom, boom.” When the 53rd gets up as the 63rd act, Murray runs screaming from the studio. Still, they make it to the finals, based on Muldoon’s lovely tenor voice. Captain Block puts Toody in charge of keeping Muldoon healthy until the finals. Meanwhile, Murray keeps winding up in places where the men of the 53rd are rehearsing, including under the window of his psychiatrist Dr. J.R. Strum (Leon Janney), driving him deeper into insanity. Muldoon and Toody responds to a call at Sam Katz’s (Gerald Hiken) butcher shop, where Toody accidentally locks Muldoon in the freezer. Toody doesn’t realize that Muldoon isn’t in the squad car when he drives Katz and his wife (Florence Robinson) back to the station to make a statement about the Butcher Bandit who attempted to rob the shop. Muldoon is taken to the hospital, where he winds up next door to Jan Murray. When he once again hears the men and their “boom boom boom,” he has another fit and requests another room. Muldoon gets permission of the doctor (Truman Smith) to go to the contest. Toody and the other officers try to sneak out Muldoon, but since he’s already left, they accidentally try to remove Jan Murray, who thinks he wants to go to ‘boom boom land’. They wind up realizing the Muldoon is already gone so they head to the contest, where the guys end up winning, making Captain Block the happiest man alive. Arthur Anderson is Boden. Toni Darnay is the nurse. Diane Deering is the female judge, Mrs. Heffington. Harry Gresham is Grover. Jerry Jarrett is the contest producer. 1/7/22 
• 018. Toody and Muldoon Crack Down – 1/21/1962
  • The new Deputy Chief Inspector Corrigan (Lawrence Fletcher) takes a ride through Toody and Muldoon’s Sector 3 of the 53rd precinct, noting all of the minor violations – 107 in all – that the officers have failed to cite. When he tells Captain Block, he blows his stack at Toody and Muldoon and order them to start immediately to clean up the sector. The officers get angry that the citizens have taken advantage of them, and vow to be more stringent, but when they visit the store locations to address the violations, they still can’t bring themselves to issue any citation, starting with the grocer Sam Callucci (Gilbert Mack) and his mother (Helen Verbit), who has made soup for Francis and his mother. Toody faces a similar dilemma when he tries to cite Harry the Haberdasher (Everett Everett) for making advertising announcements, after he just got a deal for Toody’s wife. When Captain Block finds out that they’ve issued no citations, he assigns them to a beat on the waterfront. Meanwhile, Corrigan finds out from one of his fact-finding officers (Heywood Hale Broun) that although Sector 3 has a high number of minor violations, there are zero major crimes for the past nine years. Corrigan finds this unbelievable and goes to check out Sector 3. He speaks to Katz the butcher, who tells Corrigan that the merchants had decided to defend their own stores by hitting robbers over the head so as not to tie up Toody and Muldoon with unnecessary paperwork if they would report it, and over time the holdups simply stopped. Corrigan also meets Mrs. Colby (Mildred Clinton) of two who have named their children Francis and Gunther, since they were both born in their squad car. Corrigan also visits a tough guy named Cusack who used to be an avowed cop fighter, but ever since he realized that the officers were walking his mother home from church, he has been unable to get angry at them. Corrigan visits Block and apologizes for his earlier judgement and wants to meet Toody and Muldoon. Block immediately rushes to the docks to pick up the men and take them back to Sector 3. Block himself takes over the waterfront beat. Jake LaMotta is the seaman who needs a light. William Fort is Officer Hogan. 1/8/22
• 019. Toody’s Paradise – 1/28/1962
  • After Toody and Lucille return from the movies seeing The Captain’s Paradise, starring actor Alec Guinness as a man juggling two wives. Lucille finds it romantic, while Gunther finds it ridiculous and criticizes her love of movies. She in turn, criticizes his lack of ambition and romance. The next day Gunther volunteers to participate in a dragnet in Times Square to catch the perpetrator of a huge robbery. Captain Block thinks he’ll screw it up, so he had him report to Inspector Kleinmetz (Will Hussing), but warns Kleinmetz not to give him anything that he could bungle. Kleinmetz the puts him on an assignment with a female officer named O’Brian (Elisabeth Fraser) and a child (Paul O’Keefe) to sit in Prospect Park in Brooklyn to try and catch a purse snatcher. Two women, Bertha Krantz (Thelma Pelish) and her friend Olive (Florence Anglin), recognize Toody in the park and call Lucille to tell her that he’s with another woman. Lucille can only laugh uproariously at the notions that Toody has a woman on the side. However, when she and her sister Rose take their Aunt Netty for a walk in Prospect Park and see him there with another family with her own eyes, she faints dead away. She goes home, packs her things, and leaves Gunther a note that she is going to look for happiness elsewhere. She then goes to see Captain Block to tell him what is going on, and he offers to bring Lucille back to his house to talk to his wife Elsie (Loretta White). Gunther comes home and sees the note and faints himself, so Muldoon takes him to see the Captain. When he spots him with Lucille, Gunther thinks that Captain Block and Lucille are running off together. They go to see Elsie Block and tell her what is going on, causing her to faint. When Captain Block and Lucille return to his place, Block finds a note that Elsie has left him, and he faints. He goes to see Muldoon’s mother, who is Elsie’s best friend, and finds Elsie there with Muldoon and thinks that Elsie and Muldoon are now an item. Block tells Muldoon’s mother than he is a homewrecker. She faints. Toody then shows up with Officer O’Brian so they can explain everything. As Gunther is saying all is well that ends well, O’Brian’s husband enters and punches Toody. This brings back romantic memories from Lucille, who recalls Toody spread out many times like this on the football field. 5/20/22
• 020. How High Is Up? – 2/4/1962
  • The news is out that the new Deputy Commissioner Harper (Sorrell Booke) is demanding that every man in the city fall within the regulation physical standards set for the men. This includes height and weight, both minimum and maximum. As the men at the 53rd Precinct struggle to get into shape before they are surveyed by Harper, Toody and Muldoon are happy with their measurements, as Toody meets the minimum height requirement and Muldoon comes in under the max…except that when Muldoon measures himself, he has gained an inch and now stands 6 foot 7. He becomes worried and confides in Toody his concern. Meanwhile, Muldoon is also the chairman of the upcoming 53rd Precinct Brotherhood Dance, and the Captain is pushing for him to sell tickets, play upbeat music so that the men can exercise, and keep the snacks healthy. The Captain himself comes in just over the minimum requirement just like Toody and asks Schnauser if he seems to be looking okay. Muldoon asks Schnauser why he seems so tall to everyone, when there are other who are almost as tall as him, and Schnauser tells him it is because he is always seen next to the short Toody. Muldoon tells Gunther that they can’t be seen together except when they’re in the squad car and he can crouch. Toody then goes to a shoe salesman (Fred Harper) and gets some huge heels to make him almost as tall as Muldoon. Naturally when the Captain sees how tall Toody now seems, he thinks he must be shrinking. When the Captain gets word and he tells his men that Harper is going to come to the dance where he can get a good look at everyone, Muldoon responds by telling the Captain that he’s not coming to the dance. Even though the Captain insists, he is adamant about staying home. Later he meets his mothers’ friends, the Walshes, both of whom are taller than him. Muldoon reconsiders going to the dance if he can take their daughter Melinda (Shari Lewis) as he assumes she will be just as tall. However, when he goes to get her, he finds that she is as short as they come. He pretends to have a shoulder injury so he can skip the dance. Clearly her feeling are hurt, and Muldoon’s mother is disappointed that he lied to Melinda. Muldoon decides to call her to tell her the truth, and winds up taking her to the dance after all, walking tall and proud when they enter. As soon as Harper sees him, he wants to talk to him, and he tells Muldoon that he will remember him. Harper thanks Muldoon for taking all of the attention from him, because he himself is very short, and his wife Gloria (Alice Beardsley) is nearly as tall as Muldoon, and because of Muldoon and Melinda, he now feels less self-conscious. Arthur Clark is newscaster John J. Quazey. Lucy Greeno is Melinda’s mother. 5/21/22
• 021. Toody and the Art World – 2/11/1962
  • Toody is conducting a raffle at work to pay off the bills from their previous fundraisers. He manages to talk Schnauser into buying the last ticket for fifty cents so he can arrange the drawing. Meanwhile, Captain Block sends Toody and Muldoon out on an eviction call to see that an artist named Karpathia (Severn Darden) leaves the premises from his loft. When they arrive, Toody fawns over one of Karpathia’s pieces of abstract art, this one called Lower Manhattan at Sunset (from the New Jersey Side). Toody describes the painting in just that way, excited Karpathia that he has finally reached the common man. In fact, he is so pleased that he gives Toody the painting to keep for himself. Toody hangs it up in his apartment, but Lucille thinks it is terrible and insists that it comes down. After Toody leaves for work, she puts it in the garbage. Muldoon reminds Toody that he needs a valuable prize to hand out for the raffle now that they have made enough money to break even in the treasury. When Toody finds the painting in the garbage, he decides to take that and hand it out as the prize. Schnauzer winds up the winner, and he is ecstatic to have actually won something… until he sees what it is. He decides to take the painting home anyway so that his wife Sylvia (Charlotte Rae) can use the frame. Meanwhile. Lucille receives a visit from Gordon Pennington (Sheppered Strudwick) who is the director of the Modern Museum of Abstract Art, who wants to use the painting for their new exhibition The Works of Karpathia, and mentions to her that the painting will be fully insured for $25,000. Louise feels terrible that she’s thrown it away, while Schnauser is thoroughly excited. The value of the painting won’t be secured until the painting is shown in the exhibition, so Schnauser rushes home and grabs the painting to take to the exhibition. It turns out to be the wedding painting of Leo and Sylvia that has been inserted into the frame. Leo isn’t worried however because Sylvia saves everything, so he, Gunther, and Francis head back to Leo’s house. Leo proves that Sylvia saves everything including string, a lone sneaker, etc. However, in this case, she has thrown out the painting because it looked like junk. Leo blames it on his terrible luck, and Gunther is sad he is without his beautiful Lower Manhattan painting. He inspires Kartpathia to paint another version on the painting of the wall where the painting once hung. He ends up cutting out the section of wall and donating it to the museum. He also reveals that everything reminds him of Lower Manhattan at sunset, including a bowl of fruit and a house plant. Karpathia vows he won’t tell anyone if Gunther won’t. Rik Colitti is the TV thief. Diane Deering is Mrs. Van Cleve, dog mother. 9/13/22
• 022. What Happened to Thursday? – 2/18/1962
  • Leo Schnauser and his wife Sylvia get along swimmingly all week long, but come 11pm every Thursday, they get into a wicked argument, usually over some piece of minutia like how tall Abraham Linclon was, who is better between Ginger Rogers and Fred Astaire, or whether James Polk was a great president or not. Toody and Muldoon make it a point to be there to end their fight and keep their neighbors calm from all of the yelling. This particular time, the word of the fighting gets back to Captain Block, who orders the officers to arrest Schnauser if it happens again. Leo explains to Toody and Muldoon that Sylvia gets angry come Thursday morning because it is the day that she has to buy chicken from Katz the butcher, who won’t let her handle the chicken. Schnauser also wakes up angry because he knows she is going to be angry. Schnauser wishes there was no Thursday, so Toody has an idea on how to make Schnauser believe that there is not Thursday. When Thursday rolls around, Toody borrows a copy of the trial run of the New York Morning News for Friday – which is actually printed Thursday morning – from Gunther’s cousin Ed, who works in the press room. Both Muldoon and Toody go to work on him right away, telling him that it is Friday, and showing him the paper. Toody also changes the date on the sign-in book. When Captain Block sees this, he changes the calendar on the wall. Others start to notice all of the ‘evidence’ that it is Friday, and they all start to date their paperwork thusly. One officer even releases a prisoner early. Only one man, Ed Nicholson, maintains that it is Thursday… but by the time everyone is else is convinced it is Friday, he starts to feel like he is going crazy and doesn’t want to go home. Meanwhile, Sylvia is playing Mahjongg with Lucille and Ruth, and they discuss how great Sylvia’s day was, and how much she loved seeing the movie Gaslight. They all talk about how grateful they are not to have husband who make them believe they’re crazy like Charles Boyer did to Ingrid Bergman in the film. She and Leo both come home in great moods, but as soon as Leo starts talking about it being Friday, she thinks he is trying to gaslight her, and they begin their fighting and screaming. Toody and Muldoon have Nicholson with them at Captain Block’s suggestion since he is so stressed, and they get the call of the disturbance that the Schnausers are causing. Toody tries to convince Muldoon that it is actually Friday, but Muldoon tries to remind him that it is really Thursday, and they merely started the rumor. When they ask Ed what day it is, he can do nothing but scream at this point. Jim Boles and Athena Lorde are Schnauser’s neighbors. 9/13/22
• 023. How Smart Can You Get? – 2/25/1962
  • Lieutenant Cushman (Nicholas Saunders) from the personnel training bureau brings along four rookie policemen to be assigned to ride with experienced officers. Captain Block normally pairs them off, but this time Cushman has done the research of the background of officers and has come up with the “Cushman Plan” of placing men with their intellectual equals in hopes of forming permanent partnerships. However, when he assigned Officer Reginald Corrigan (Richard Morse), who graduated with high marks in the academy and attended Harvard, with Toody and Muldoon in Car 54. Block immediately objects, but Cushman explains that his personality has matched with the education and personality with Muldoon, not so much Toody. Meanwhile, Toddy has been prattling on all day long about which Yankee players are nonchalant. Toody is actually anxious to get a rookie so he has someone to talk to who will actually listen, while Muldoon wants no part of anyone else who will talk. The next day, Corrigan starts riding in Car 54, but Toody immediately learns that Corrigan knows nothing about sports, while Muldoon discovers that they have the same interests: classical music, literature, the art, the French language, architecture, electronics, and other subjects that are over Toody’s head. Furthermore, Muldoon cancels his plans to go bowling that night with Toody and the gang. Toody goes home that night and starts studying the encyclopedia, focusing on the early pages where he learns about aardvarks. The next day, he tries his best to work aardvarks into the conversation, and when that fails, he tries Bolivia as a subject the next day. Tired of being left out of the conversations, Toody requests that Captain Block pair him up with someone else. Block is upset and sees it as the end of the era, while Cushman says it is going according to plan. Cushman then assigns Toody to be in a car with Schnauzer, but now Toody has a hard time talking about sports since he’s been so accustomed to talking about more intelligent topics. Car 54 starts racking up complaints that Muldoon and Corrigan are driving right by the sites of crimes and accidents because they are too wrapped up in their conversations. When Block brings this to their attention, Muldoon asks if he can have a different partner. He says although Toody has always talked incessantly, it was about subjects that he didn’t have to listen to, and therefore could also concentrate on his policework. Cushman rips up his final report, and Toody and Muldoon continue as partners with their one-sided conversation in full force. Richard Roat is Officer Garfield.  12/31/22
• 024. Today I Am a Man – 3/4/1962
  • Francis runs into an old friend named Marty (Nicholas Colasanto), who is getting ready to head out for Army service and asks Francis to keep an eye on his girlfriend Sheila. Then the Captain asks Francis to escort a group of attractive girls from Vasser to show them around town. When he is used by Schnauser to tell his wife Sylvia that he is going to be present during a bowling game to prove that there will be no hanky-panky, Muldoon finally gets annoyed and tells the guys that he might be busy on a date this coming Saturday night. He claims that just because he doesn’t brag about his date, he is doing fine in the female department. When the other cops cast doubt, Toody comes to his defense and says that if Muldoon says he has a date, then he has a date. Now depressed, Francis tells his mother that everyone thinks he has a date when he doesn’t. He tries to use his black book and comes up with at least one name: Dolores Davis, a girl he met in his stamp club. He tries to give her a call, but chickens out as soon as she answers the phone. Still, he tells all of his buddies that he’s going out on a date and even makes a fake phone call to her in front of them, acting like a wolf the entire time. He tells the guys that he’s taking his date to the Chi-Chi Club. Gunther remembers that Francis told him he could borrow Francis’s sister’s car, so Gunther insists on dropping him off at the Chi Chi. When he arrives, Francis has no choice to go inside until Gunther pulls away. While inside, he confounds the Maitre d’ (George Del Monte) when he tells him he doesn’t want a seat. As he finally tries to exit, Officers O’Hare and Sanders (Bob Hastings) pull up to go inside and pretend they are there for an inspection, when they also want to see who Francis is with. Francis spots a painfully shy girl named Priscilla Parker (Sybil Lamb) who is there for her 21st birthday with her parents (Howard Freeman, Ruth Masters) because she has been sheltered and never even seen a nightclub. He joins them at the table and pretends he is there with Priscilla, and when her parents notice that Francis is carrying a gun, they are quick to cooperate and insist that Priscilla do the same. She is so frightened that she becomes almost catatonic and unable to say a word. He tries to leave again, but then Schnauser and Nicholson show up to check out Muldoon. He runs back inside and re-joins the Parkers. This time they are on their way out, so Francis tells them that he’ll need to leave with them. They go back to the Parker house and the other cops follow them. Francis tells the folks to pretend they are going to bed, so he can be alone with Priscilla on the sofa in the living room. After Francis finally is ready to leave, Priscilla lunges at him and begs him not to leave and tells him that he’s the first man ever interested in her and that she is hers now. She tells him that no matter what happens, she’ll wait for him. Later, Francis makes a call in front of the guys and behaves like a wolf. This time Priscilla is on the other end, telling her parents in no uncertain terms that she’s going out with Francis until the wee hours of the morning. They are pleased to tell her to do whatever Francis says. 12/31/22
• 025. No More Pickpockets – 3/11/1962
  • Captain Block distributes honorable citations to all of the men in the 53rd precinct except for Toody and Muldoon. While Muldoon couldn’t care less, Toody takes it to heart and immediately volunteers for extra duty over the weekend to stake out Yankee Stadium over the weekend for the World Series to try and catch pickpockets who may be coming into the area for the event. Block won’t let him go unless Muldoon, who would rather stay at home and watch the game on TV, goes along with him. Block warns them that they had better not get arrested themselves. Toody manages to finger a seasoned pickpocket named Benny “Feather Fingers” Featherton (Wally Cox), when he reaches into his own pocket to make change for a father and son trying buy a Yankee souvenir Mickey Mantle doll off of him and finds Benny’s hand. Another man named Felix (Al Nesor) announces what a hero Gunther is and tells everyone to be safe with their wallets… but he turns out to be a pickpocket himself. While Toody and Benny are waiting for the paddy wagon, Benny tells him how he had longed to be a police officer all of his life but wound up being three inches too short for the job. When the police arrive to haul him off, he shows him Toody’s ID and claims to be the arresting officer himself and that Toody is the pickpocket. After Toody is hauled away, Benny, posing as Toddy, begins making scads of arrests. Meanwhile, after Muldoon is acosted by kids who think he is Marshall Dillon from Gunsmoke, he tries to stay ouf the way and stands near a hotdog vendor (Billy Sands) just before the vendor realizes that he has been robbed. Captain Block gets a call from Chief Collins (Tom Ahearne) who informs him that Toody has made multiple arrests and the wants to give him a citation. Block is surprised, but he meets up with the Chief and they head to the station to meet Toody to give him the citation. Toody tries to explain that he’s an officer, but without his ID, he needs another officer to vouch for him. He calls Muldoon, who has just settled in the watch the game, and he drops everything to go identify Toody. When the Captain and Chief arrive at the station, Block spots Toody there and is forced to hear the truth about Toody. Muldoon arrives at the station and while taking to Felix about Toody being taken by the Chief and Captain, he follows the prisoners through the line-up and is identified as a hot dog vendor. Since Felix has stolen Muldoon’s ID, he can’t identify himself either. A photographer tries to take Captain Block’s picture in front of the prisoners and realizes that it is Muldoon standing front and center behind him. Block tells Benny that he wishes he worked for him after all of the arrests that he made. He then berates Toody and Muldoon and tells them that if someone says their name after getting out of the jail, they should just turn and run. As they are leaving, Toody and Muldoon show their IDs to get out of the jail, but the Captain is stopped because his ID is now missing. He is told by the door guard (Rex Everhart) that Captain Block has already left, which of course was Benny using the ID that he stole from him. Block calls for Toody and Muldoon, but they turn and run as told. Dana Elcar is the paddy wagon officer. Jerry Jarrett is the reporter. Jimmy Little is the bullpen officer. Herb Voland is the lineup sergeant. Rik Colitti is the disgruntled pickpocket. 6/24/23
• 026. The Beast Who Walked the Bronx – 3/18/1962
  • Captain Block is furious when some of the stacked-up paperwork that the officers have failed to control falls on top of him. He orders the men to clean up the station, but all of them have excuses for not doing the work, including Schnauzer’s injured finger. As Block is going on a tirade, Inspector Corey (Lawrence Fletcher) show up at the precinct. This makes all of the guys nervous, but all he wants is to order Captain Block to take his first vacation in the past five years. He has Toody and Muldoon take the vacation orders to Chief J.T. McCoy (Raymond Bramley) so that he can find a replacement for him while he is gone. Most of the men think that they are going to send in a troubleshooter to straighten the place out. McCoy gets the orders but is incredulous when his assistant Lieutenant Graves (Dave Kerman) tells him that the only officer available to fill in for Captain Block is the incredibly timid and kindly Captain Adolf Burkholtz (Howard Freeman), who is a terrible officer and is now in charge of the Lost & Found department with his assistant Simpson (Keywood Hale Broun). McCoy talks about the last time that Burkholtz was in charge of a precinct 91, the men walked all over him and they had to break up the precinct. Several rumors start to abound that Burkholtz was a tyrant, which jibes with Toody and Muldoon overhearing McCoy saying that he hated to do this to the 53rd precinct. By the time the rumor mill is finished, they believe he is a Nazi General and that the goldfish that he keeps are actually piranha and that he used to feed the men in the 91st precinct to them. When Burkholtz arrives, he comments how much he loves the unpainted walls of an old precinct, the dusty odor of the old files, and the lazy warmth of an old precinct in Summer. They all believe he is being sarcastic and toying with them. Consequently, the men start working overtime day and night to get the precinct cleaned up. Captain Block tells his wife Elsie how much he is worried about the precinct and the fact that Schnauzer fell off a ladder and broke his arm. He goes down to see for himself and finds Schnauzer working hard painting with his broken arm, while the other men are in the midst of a flurry of cleaning. Burkholtz tells Block how none of the men will take a day off. When Burkholtz sees how exhausted Kissel is, he brings him in the office to feed the fish with him. Burkholtz sends him home, but Kissel is afraid that the men will think he deserted them so he sneaks out. The men think that Burkholtz has fed him to the piranha. McCoy hears how much work the men have done and has them all given citations. Block goes to see McCoy to see if there is an opening in Lost & Found. However, the 29th Precinct is having trouble managing the men, so McCoy orders Burkholtz to the 29th and Block back to the 53rd. When he arrives, he tries to be stricter with the men to get things done, but they are immediately back to their old excuses, leaving Block to do the work himself. NOTE: Inspector Corey is named Inspector Kerman in the show credits. Jerry Jarret is Edwards. Eugene Roche is the police officer who says half the men of the 91st have disappeared. 6/23/23
• 027. The Courtship of Sylvia Schnauser – 3/25/1962
  • Members of the 53rd Precinct attend the wedding of Kevin Dolan and Vivian Whitman. Among the guests are Leo and Syvia Schnauser, and Sylvia starts having pangs of jealousy over their big wedding, as she and Leo had been married on her lunch hour at City Hall. Things are made even worse when she catches the bouquet thrown by Vivian. Sylvia wakes up in the middle of the night, clutching the flowers, and demanding that Leo give her an actual wedding. Their fight escalates until the neighbors all gather outside their door, prompting Leo to hang their marriage certificate on the door for all to see. The next day Leo comes to work and tells Toody and Muldoon that she’s started to act out by dressing in the closet, not allowing Leo to kiss her goodbye, and only agreeing to stay on as the maid at 40 cents an hour. Toody and Muldoon pay Sylvia a visit, but they get nowhere with convincing her to back off. Gunther then calls Lucille and asks her to talk some sense into her. However, when Sylvia goes to visit her, she winds up in Lucille’s old wedding gown and agreeing to be her Maid of Honor. Gunther is afraid that Leo will kill him, but then he gets sucked in as well when Sylvia asks him to give her away and act as her father. Sylvia starts going by her maiden name Schwartzkopf and threatening to look up her old boyfriend Sam Stetzel. After feeding Leo their shredded-up wedding license for dinner, Syvia moves out of the apartment and in with the Toodys. Leo acts as if this doesn’t affect him in the slightest, but when Gunther starts telling him that she is going out with Sam, Leo makes the offer to have a small wedding. Gunther, however, demands that he court her before any wedding will take place. Leo refuses, and is relatively sure that Sylvia is bluffing about Sam. Back at home, Sylvia frantically waits for Gunther show up. Eventually he comes bearing chocolates and flowers, but she acts uninterested. After he gets the proposal over with, he wants her to come home, but Gunther won’t let her leave until they are married again. On the day of their wedding, Leo and Sylvia don’t show up, and instead telephone from City Hall, having gotten re-married already because they couldn’t wait. Since the minister is already at the church, Gunther and Lucille renew their vows instead. John Gibson is Judge Collins. 10/18/23
• 028. The Auction – 4/1/1962
  • Toody and Muldoon are part of the Brotherhood Club at work, and they are meeting to discuss what gift they will purchase for Captain Block for his 25th wedding anniversary. They have all but settled on a cheese knife over Toody’s objection, but their conversation keeps getting interrupted whenever Captain Block walks into the room, and they turn to pretending to discuss the Christmas party. Even during their fake discussions, Toody can’t agree to hold the party at Zimmerman’s Bavarian Roof Garden because Toody doesn’t want to hear Mrs. Zimmerman (Lucy Landau) sing Silent Night. Eventually, they all agree on the cheese knife. Captain Block asks Toody and Muldoon to stop over at his house to pick up some files he’s been working on for a report. When they get there, Captain Block shows them his collection of antiques with the crown jewel being an Aleutian Ceremonial Chair of which there are only two in the world. His greatest desire has always been to own the second one, but the current owner is a collector in Staten Island won’t part with it and says he’s rather burn it than give it to him. Toody and Muldoon go back to the precinct and tell the other that they should reconsider the cheese knife and get Captain Bloch an antique. Leo is skeptical, but he is outvoted, so Toody and Muldoon go out looking for an antique, but they are all too expensive. However, Toody later finds the other Aleutian Ceremonial Chari at Pete’s (Paul Lipson) Auction Store, where they will be holding an auction the next day. Leo insists on being the one to bid on the chair, while Toody and Muldoon look on. They tell Leo to make small bids on other items so that no one will think that the chair has any value. The crowd sees the cops there and start to think they are investigating stolen property, so no one bids on anything, leaving Leo with nearly everything in the auction. By the time everyone starts bidding on the chair, Leo only has nine dollars left. Toody gets carried away and bids the chair up to $345. He can only pay for it by auctioning off all of the other loot that Leo purchased. Just before the party, Captain Block asks men to volunteer to help him move the piano that he bought for his wife Elsie (Louise Kirtland). He tells the men that he got rid of all of his antiques to make room for a music room. He said that the chair was the first to go because it made him so angry that he could never get the second chair, and he had sold it to Pete’s Auction Store. The men drag the chair back to Pete’s to re-sell it, but when they arrive, they find that the second chair is now in the window to be auctioned. Mrs. Block is there at the store and tells the guys that she had finally talked the guy from Staten Island into selling her the chair and wanted to surprise her husband for their anniversary. They then show her that they now the other chair, so they present the chairs to him at the anniversary party. Toody congratulates Leo on throwing a great party for the captain, who is relaxing in one of his ceremonial chairs, while his wife is in the other one playing the piano. The only thing Toody can do without is Mrs. Zimmerman singing at the party. 10/21/23
• 029. Quiet! We’re Thinking – 4/8/1962
  • With the low number of patrolmen who are being promoted to detectives, Captain Block comes up with a plan to have some of his men take home the facts of unsolved cases and try to get some experience with deductive thinking, as well as possibly helping solve the cases. Lieutenant L. Kogen (Frank Campanella) brings a case from downtown of the Compton Department Store burglaries. Since the store is in Toody and Muldoon’s sector, they want to have a crack at solving the case as well. They bring all of the files of the case to Toody’s house that evening but are annoyed when they find out that Lucille has agreed to babysit her 11-year-old nephew Marvin (Paul O’Keefe) for the evening. He is in town from Milwaukee for the Boy Scout Jamboree. Gunther wants him to go over to Lucille’s sister Rose and her husband Al’s place, but Lucille insists that it is their turn to babysit. Marvin hangs around them as they discuss the case, and he winds up putting forth ideas about how the criminal snuck in through the skylight and then packed pieces of the appliances and had the shipping department mail them to him in order to steal the items. Without realizing that it was Marvin who came up with the idea, Toody and Muldoon submit this information to the Captina, who finds the entire notion ridiculous. However, when it turns out to be the exact answer they’ve been looking for, the Captain becomes furious as they are made out to be heroes. When Toody and Muldoon try to solve another pawn shop case, Marvin solves this case as well. Kogen is impressed with the case, and Chief McCoy (Lawrence Fletcher) thinks that Toody and Muldoon are coming up with some of the best detective work he’s ever seen, although he is annoyed that Captain Block has them out arresting jaywalkers. When McCoy gives them another case to solve involving several robberies at the Midtown Lofts. This time they send Marvin to Rose and Al’s place so he will be out of their hair. While Al and his business partner Felix realize start getting solutions from Marvin on how to finance their business, Muldoon and Toody suddenly realize they are lost without Marvin there. They go and retrieve him, and soon he is using his mathematical formula that he once used to find where a squirrel is storing his nuts to find out where the thieves are hiding stolen merchandise. However, Al and Felix come back to get Marvin to get more help with their finances. Muldoon and Toody later track down Marvin with his Boy Scout troop to try and get his help, but he tells them that they are in the middle of their tracking exercise. When Toody and Muldoon leave to go admit that it was Marvin who solved the crimes, Marvin rallies the scouts to go on the hunt for the robbers. They are all comfortable in their abandoned hideout thinking no one will ever find them when the Boy Scouts march in. Then gang leader thinks that it was one of his men named Brown sent the boys with stolen goods in their backpacks. He does not like the initiative, so when Brown shows up, all of the thieves and thugs get into a melee, knocking each other out. The Boy Scouts then tie up the criminals and call the police. Captain Block, Toody, and Muldoon all show up on the scene to arrest the criminals, while the Boys Scouts get back to their tracking contest. Jake Lamotta is the boxing thug. 2/21/24
• 030. I Love Lucille – 4/22/1962
  • After attending a policeman’s ball together, Gunther is pleased as punch and dancing around the room after they get home, but Lucille is furious that Gunther ignored her all night while seeming to light up when he spoke to other women. She proves to him that he has no idea what color her eyes are, so she vows that when he comes home from work the next day, he will indeed notice her. She goes to see the Julian the beautician (Phil Leeds), and even he is petrified about what her hair will look like when she comes out from under the dryer. When she gets home, it is revealed that she now has a giant beehive of dyed blonde hair that looks hideous. When Gunter arrives home, he doesn’t give her a second look no matter how many hints she gives him. Finally it dawns on him that he is supposed to be bowling that night with Muldoon, Rodriguez, and Nicholson, so he leaves and Lucille screams in frustration. While at the alley, the guys all notice a beautiful blonde woman walk by, but Gunther says he has seen a prettier one earlier that day. When Muldoon presses him as to when he saw her, he suddenly realizes that Lucille now has blonde hair and rushes back home. He tells her that she is most gorgeous specimen that he’s ever seen and vows to take her out the next night to the Casa Caban nightclub to show her off. That night he dreams that a producer named J.J. Jones (Erik Rhodes) spots her at the club and offers to send her to Hollywood to star in his new picture Helen of Troy. At Lucille’s request, he agrees that Gunther can meet her there by bus and become the security guard on the studio door where they take out the garbage. Eventually he winds up on skid row where he runs into Muldoon, who is happy to hear that Lucille is now free. When Gunther wakes up, he tells Lucille that he can’t take her to the club because of all of the men there, and furthermore forbids her from leaving the house, even to get meat from Mr. Schultz. The guys at work all think he is having an affair with the blonde from the bowling alley when they hear him talking about and to a blonde woman. Gunther can’t concentrate on his work, as he feels that a man could be hitting on her at any time. He begs Francis to drive them to Schult’s meat market to see what is going on there. When things even worse with Gunther snapping at everyone, Francis tells everyone that it is time that he break the news to Lucille. He goes over there and convinces her that she needs to dye her hair back to its original color. He tells her that his number one concern is to make sure that they stay together. When they embrace, Gunther sees them through the window and thinks that Lucille has been having an affair with Muldoon. He plans to run off to Guatemala, but when Lucille returns home with her hair back to its original state, Gunther says that this is the woman he fell in love with. However, when she tells him to closer his eyes, he cannot tell her what color her hair is, prompting her to punch him in the stomach. Bob Kaliban is the reporter at the club. Monica May is the hairdresser. 2/25/24

SEASON 2

• 031. Hail to the Chief – 9/16/1962
  • President John F. Kennedy are flying into the Idlewild Airport and will be going to the United Nations for an important meeting. The New York City police commissioner J.S. Brody (John McGovern) discusses this with Secret Service Chief Hollander (Jay Jostyn) and Agent Cordner (Simon Oakland) and insists that members of the New York police force will be the ones driving him. In fact, they have gone through their files and selected who they think will be the best team for the job: Toody and Muldoon. When the commissioner calls Captain Block with this news, he panics, thinking that Toody will fall apart when he hears this. However, it is Muldoon who faints dead away upon the news. He comes to and says that he admires the president more than any man in the world, but as long as no one mentions the president, he will be fine. However, if he hears the president mentioned, he will get carsick. When Agent Cordner comes to check out Toody and Mudoon, they go for a ride, and Toody tries to keep anyone from mentioning the president. However, once he gets mentioned, Toody can’t stop mentioning him, and sure enough, Muldoon gets out of the car to get sick. Captain Block tries to keep this information from the commissioner and Chief Hollander. Schnauser poses as the one who is getting carsick and goes to see a doctor (Jeremiah Morris), who gives Schnauser tranquelizers. Muldoon takes these to keep from getting anxious, but he winds up falling asleep while he is driving. He pulls over a car that is going five miles per hour and falls asleep on the man’s (Walter Klavun) car hood, all under the watchful eye of Agent Cordner. Again, no one believes Cordner, and he is taken off the case. Again, Leo goes to see the doctor to tell him about Muldoon’s problem. This time, the doctor gives him anti-depressant pills. Before the operation, the Secret Service holds a meeting with all men involved, and they receive a speech from Haywood Presnell (Gordon B. Clarke) of the State Department. During the talk, Muldoon’s pills kick in and he can’t stop laughing, which causes Toody to laugh as well. After this, they are confined to watch the President’s journey on TV, while being held with a gun by Agent Cordner until the president is safely back to the White House. Billy Sands is Mr. Quackenbush, the man who thinks he can fly. 7/8/24
• 032. One Sleepy People – 9/23/1962
  • Muldoon is having some painting done at his place, so Toody invites him to stay with him for the next two weeks. Lucille is excited to have Muldoon over, and the two of them think the world of each other. Schnauser laments that he isn’t as close with his partner Nicholson, so he invites him to come over for dinner, even though it means that Nicholson has to break a date to come. Muldoon and Lucille are very comfortable with each other, physically touching and joking about running off together, much to the amusement of themselves and Toody. However, when they sit down to watch a movie called Design for Loving about a man who falls in love with his best friend’s wife, Lucille and Muldoon start to get uncomfortable, especially when Toody starts to fall asleep, just like the husband Reggie (Edgar Daniels) in the movie does before the lovers Ashley (Patrick Horgan) and Pamela (Patricia Cutts) start kissing passionately. The two try desperately to wake up Toody, and from that point on, Muldoon and Lucille are hugely uncomfortable around each other, as both keep getting up to get glasses of water in the middle of the night. The next morning, they remain skeptical of each other, but finally they bring the conversation into the open and agree that they are acting ridiculous. However, once they start complimenting each other, the unlikely spart ignites again and they call each other Pam and Ashley, before they both flee the apartment. Lucille goes over to Sylvia’s place to tell her that she thinks Muldoon is in love with her. Muldoon tries to tell Toody about how a wife might fall for her husband’s best friend, but Toody thinks that Nicholson has fallen in love with Sylvia Schnauser. Muldoon clarifies that it is Lucille who is in love with him, but by this time Toody has fallen asleep after being up all night. Muldoon volunteers for an extra evening shift so that he doesn’t have to be around Lucille, and then after the shift, he asks Schnauser if he can come stay with him. Toody assumes he is doing it so that Nicholson is never alone with Sylvia. Unbeknownst to Muldoon, Sylvia has invited Lucille to spend the night so that she can stay away from Muldoon. Schnauser brings Nicholson home, and then heads out to get some beer. Nicholson is already uncomfortable because Toody has insinuated that there is something between him and Sylvia, and then he sees both Muldoon and Lucille going into the same room in their pajamas. Muldoon flees back to Toody’s, and Sylvia throws out Lucille thinking that she is the one who is bringing on the hanky-panky. Muldoon wakes Toody up to tell him that he is best friend no matter what he hears. Toody sends Muldoon to sleep in Lucille’s bed. Then Lucille comes home and tells Gunther how much she loves him no matter what he hears. She then nearly climbs into bed with Lucille again. He flees, and she hides in the closet… where Toody locks her in so he can get some peace and quiet. Eventually, all parties explain what happened, and they all sit down to watch The Dick Powell Show, but when Dick Powell (himself) introduces his episode The Gendarme’s Wife, a spicy story about a marriage mix-up, suddenly everyone in the room disappears. Marie Wallace is Nicholson’s date Sheila. 7/8/24
• 033. A Man Is Not an Ox – 9/30/1962
  • As Schnauser prepares for the Brotherhood Club Banquet at Zimmerman’s Bavarian Roof Garden, Toody and Muldoon won’t be able to make it because they both have called off sick. When the police Medical Bureau, a police surgeon named Dr. Meisner (Ned Wertimer) comes to investigate since it seems that Toody and Muldoon have called off at the same time over the past ten years. He thinks it is because they are playing hooky, but when he visits both and investigates their ailments, it seems they both have the same bug. In addition, they also both have the exact same temperature, the same symptoms, and both have ears that swell up when the get Penicillin shots. This reminds him of the case of Sultan and Rajah, two oxen that both started to act exactly the same way after being yoked together for years. Meisner reports it to his superior, Dr. O.J. Metz (Truman Smith), who initially wants to keep it quiet as it may seem to put forth a bad omen for teaming policemen together, but then decides that Meisner should quietly study them. He tells Toody and Muldoon that he wants to observe them when they return to work as he wants to make sure that they are back to normal after their virus. Instead, she watches them closely and notices that they move together as one all through the day as they watch traffic, fill out reports, scratch, sing, and generally make every movement at the exact same time. He even watches them in the locker room as he gives Captain Block a barrage of tests just to justify his need to be in the locker room with them. Meanwhile, Schnauser is blowing his top when some of Officers Wallace and Fleischer try to get him to change the seating chart. When Captain Block asks Toody and Muldoon to stay overtime, they both agree, and Toody goes off to call Lucille, and Muldoon goes off to call his mother. Each of them separately notices Dr. Meinser’s book and on Sultan and Rajah, along with the notes that he made about Toody and Muldoon. This spooks them both, and they being going out of their way to act differently than the other one. When they are unable to do it successfully, Toody asks Schnauser to be seated separately from Muldoon at the banquet. Wallace and Fleisher also notice that they themselves are dressing alike. Muldoon tries to change his meal order so that he is eating something different from Toody. When the doctor notices their new behavior, he explains to them about his theory of Sultan and Rajah. Captain Block, after being examined by Meisner so much, he asks Schnauser to change his meal to crackers and milk. Toody and Muldoon laugh about the report, but when they learn that they have both changed their meals to corned beef and cabbage, they start to panic. Toody brings home Chinese instead and tells Lucille to throw out the corned beef and cabbage. Over at Muldoon’s place, he too has brought home Chinese food for him and his mother. Independently, both Toody and Muldoon decide not to watch TV in fear that other one is doing the same thing. Instead, they both read a book while standing on their head. The next day, each of them comes into work wearing a French shirt and beret. When they learn how they both read books standing their head the night before, they become scared and go back to see the doctor. He then brings Dr. Metz in to see the captain, who suddenly fears that his health is in jeopardy due to all of the examination he has been given. Meisner and Metz both agree that the best way to stop Muldoon and Toody from becoming one mind is to get Muldoon married off, which will make it easier to break off their friendhip. They ensure that he is set up with Nicholson’s cousin Linda McPherson (Lucille Pons) at the banquet, and although Lucille is initially annoyed since she has tries to pair off Muldoon many times, she is thrilled when she meets her and finds that she looks exactly like her. 11/7/24
• 034. Schnauser’s Last Ride – 10/7/1962
  • Fleisher is entertaining the men with some of his jokes, when he inadvertently offends Schnasuer by mentioning the name ‘Sally,’ causing him to become despondent and leave the room. The other men warn him not to use that name around Schnauser, and then relate the story through flashback about what had occurred ten years earlier. At that time, Schnauser had been riding with his horse Sally with the local New York Mounted Police, but the city was planning to phase this out, starting with Schnauser. Since he was the man who was closest to his horse, they had hoped to have a success story with him when they moved him to the 53rd precinct. Deputy Commissioner Connors (John C. Becher) brings Schnauser to the station and tells Captain Block the special circumstances and asks that Schnauser be given the choice as to who he wants as his partner. He examines all of the men as one would examine a horse and settles on Muldoon, since his eyes most closely resembled Sally’s. Unfortunately, Schnauser nearly drives Muldoon crazy, as he treats Muldoon like a horse by petting him and trying to tie him to a lamppost. Realizing that Muldoon may be too smart compared to Sally, they settle on placing Schnauser with someone whose intelligence falls between Muldoon’s and a horse’s, and that man is Toody. This time, when Schnauser starts treating him like a horse, it doesn’t take long before Toody starts acting like a horse, even counting out numbers by stomping his foot. When Block and Connors see Schnauser brushing Toody with a currycomb, they realize this won’t work either. Muldoon then gets the idea to send Schnauser out on his old route, but this time in the squad car with Toody and Muldoon. However, Schnauser suddenly realizes that he has no idea where his old beat is since Sally had become used to the beat and has simply gone on it without Toody’s involvement. Similarly, Sally is now with the Midtown Riding Academy and was being used to take customers on rides through Central Park. However, every time she left the stables, she would automatically go on her old route. Many of her stops were at bookmaker’s places, where Schnauser had frequented to look out for illegal activity. However, when the guys at various garages, cigar stores, and ice cream carts, start to realize that Sally is riding without Schnauser, they start to transport their money and betting papers by putting them under Sally’s saddle. When Connor gets word that the beat now has a crime wave of bookmaking going on. Two detectives begin questioning the men on the route about the bookmaking slips, not even realizing that Sally passes them at every location. Connors then brings Schnauser in to ask him who else knows his old beat, as it seems to be getting hit and every nook and cranny. Schnauser says that if they can find Sally, the can find the route and the criminals. Schnauser reunites with Sally and goes on the route, taking other cops and a paddy wagon with him, arresting all of the gamblers along the way. Muldoon concludes his story and tells Fleisher that Schnauser continued to work with nearly every man in the precinct until he got used to working with humans. When Fleisher asks them how along ago this all occurred, the men answer by stomping their foot with the number of years. Diane Deering is the female gambler. Dort Clark is the bookmaker at the auto shop. 11/8/24

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