The Terrible Catsafterme

SEASON 1 – CBS

Theme music by Matter

• 001. Pilot – 3/13/2006
  • Neurotic Los Angeles divorcee Christine Campbell (Julia Louis-Dreyfus), owner of a women’s gym, enrolls her son Ritchie (Trevor Gagnon) in a prestigious private Westbridge School, where other students’ moms can’t quite understand Christine’s need to work. Christine’s has a friendly relationship with her ex-husband Richard (Clark Gregg), and he comes to the school for Ritchie’s first day. Marly Erhardt (Tricia O’Kelley) and Lindsay (Alex Kapp Horner) two of the catty moms at the school, inform Christine that Richard now has a new younger girlfriend (Emily Rutherfurd) who is also named Christine. This prompts Christine to blow up at the couple, but eventually learn to cope with the situation – while also being pleased that Ritchie is enjoying his new school. Amy Farrington is Ali, an employee at the gym. 4/14/13

• 002. Supertramp – 3/13/2006
  • After realizing that Richard is having sex with his new girlfriend, Christine sets out on a quest to hook up – beginning at the grocery store where her brother Matthew Kimble (Hamish Linklater) tags along. Eventually she meets a guy named Stan (Andy Richter) and does in fact hook up, only to find that Stan has a kid in Ritchie’s school… and has fallen hard for Christine, despite her lack of interest. 4/14/13 
• 003. Open Water – 3/20/2006
  • Christine’s friend Barbara Baran (Wanda Sykes) sets her up on a blind date, and while waiting, she mistakes another man named Burton (Matt Letscher) for her blind date. They hit it off quite well, whereas her real blind date with a neurotic guy named David (Patrick Fischler) fails miserably. Christine goes on a series of additional blind dates, all with poor results, and decides to just stay single. As she goes out to eat on her own, she runs into Burton again, and with the spontaneity she desires, they kiss. He continues with his date – with a woman who knows far too much about cars – but gets Christine’s phone number. Meanwhile, Matthew takes Ritchie to his swim lesson, and reveals that he himself is afraid to swim. 5/25/13
• 004. One Toe Over the Line, Sweet Jesus – 3/27/2006
  • When Christine and Burton return from their fifth date together, they find Richard at the house, who then insults Burton. Richard offers to take the two out to eat with him and New Christine. They accept, but the dinner turns messy when Old Christine and Richard spend the entire meal reminiscing about their former escapades together. Burton and New Christine both become angry and demand to leave. As Richard and New Christine are driving away, he runs over Burton’s foot, and they have to take him to the hospital. While waiting, New Christine confronts Richard and Old Christine and tells them that they need to sort out their unusual relationship and start behaving like they’re divorced. Richard and Old Christine both agree that they need to spend less time together for the sake of their new relationships. 5/25/13
• 005. I’ll Show You Mine – 4/3/2006
  • After Burton pushes Christine to let him meet Ritchie, she finally allows the two to connect with pleasant enough results. However, when she asks to meet Burton’s son, he tells her that she can meet him when the ‘time is right’. Christine mistakes this comment for a lack of commitment on his part, but Burton has only meant that his son was currently out of town, and she could meet him when he returns. In the course of explaining this, Burton tells Christine that he loves her – to which she replies, “I bet you do.” After thinking it over, she returns to his house to tell him that she loves him to, but her true feelings come out and she tells him that she can’t see him any longer. 5/26/13
• 006. The Other F Word – 4/10/2006
  • When Christine realizes that Ritchie’s private school is far from being racially diverse, she decides to sponsor a black family for admission to the school. Her impassioned efforts are successful, and the family is accepted into the school when Christine finds out that the parents Nate (Scott Lawrence) and Anita (Wendy Raquel Robinson) are offensively homophobic. She looks to Barb to find some “good, black people,” but Barb refuses to help. She then decides to focus on gay causes and brings in a gay couple for sponsorship, but immediately realizes that they are anti-Semitic. Lily Goff is Marly’s daughter Ashley. Marissa Blanchard is Lindsay’s daughter Kelsey. 6/9/13
• 007. A Long Days Journey Into Stan – 4/17/2006
  • Richard and New Christine, Matthew and his new date Natalie, and the waiter Peter (Patrick Kerr) all expect Christine to feel bad and fall apart after her breakup with Burton, but with Ritchie off to the movies with his father and New Christine, she just wants to be alone. After a disastrous dinner alone at a giant table, during which she keeps annoying the couple next to her, Richard calls from the movies to check on her. She mistakes him for Burton and lets loose about how glad she is that he called. When she embarrassingly realizes that it wasn’t Burton, she makes another phone call for a one-night hook-up… with Stan, the annoying father from Ritchie’s school whom she had previously dated and hated. 6/11/13
• 008. Teach Your Children Well – 4/24/2006
  • Richard attends a birthday party with Ritchie and is so excited about how awesome it was, he convinces Christine to consult a party planner for Ritchie’s upcoming 9th birthday party as well. After she realizes how expensive it is, she decides to organize it herself, complete with a macaroni crafts table. The kids are bored until they begin finding items in the couches and assume that Christine has a arranged a treasure hunt. Everyone raves about the party, but Ritchie receives a new nickname at school: “poor boy”. Christine speaks to the class about how nicknames can be hurtful, bringing up her former nickname “pooter.” This just cracks up both the class and the teacher and brings her former nickname back to the forefront. Meanwhile Matthew begins an affair with Liz (Helen Slater), one of the moms at the part, but is unsure if he is her boyfriend or her nanny. Nancy Lenehan stars as Principal Nunley. 6/12/13
• 009. Ritchie Has Two Mommies – 5/1/2006
  • Christine is insecure about making her own cupcakes for Ritchie’s open house and is also distressed by the fact that Richard wants New Christine to meet Ritchie. Christine allows them to meet but is furious when Richard shows up with her at the open house. The situation becomes even more difficult when Ritchie seems to like the New Christine and wants to hang out with her at the open house, and everyone prefers the hot doughnuts that she brought over Christine’s “trash can cupcakes.” Eventually she allows Ritchie to eat four of the cupcakes and he became ill. When Lindsay let Christine know that Ritchie is fortunate to have so many people care about him, Christine loosens up and even gracefully accepts an ‘apology’ from New Christine. Mary Beth McDonough stars as Mrs. Wilhoite. 7/6/13
• 010. No Fault Divorce – 5/8/2006
  • Richard accuses Christine of being too controlling, after she grills him about the snacks that he is going to bring to Ritchie’s karate practice – and later that day their former marriage counselor Hillary (Rebecca Kreskoff) enrolls at Christine’s gym. Hillary lets it slip that she thought that the divorce had been Christine’s fault because of her control issues. She confronts Richard about this and finds out that Richard later slept with Hillary. She is enraged, until Wanda too tells Christine how controlling she can be. Richard eventually calms her down by telling her how much better their lives have been after the divorce – and he also forgets to bring the snacks to practice, which Christine has done. Matthew meanwhile is distraught that he is in so few of the old family photos, but they eventually find him, wearing a cape, in Christine’s wedding video. 7/6/13
• 011. Exile on Lame Street – 5/15/2006
  • New Christine stops by to ask Christine’s permission to take Ritchie to a Rolling Stones concert. Christine denies the request, but then Richard steps in and tells her that asking her was just a courtesy; they are going to take Ritchie anyway. Christine has a hard time dealing with this, so she decides to go to the concert as well so that she can see that Ritchie is well looked-after. Christine and Matthew try numerous ploys to get into the sold-out show, but by the time they get tickets from a scalper, the show ends. Dejected, she and Matthew go to Richard’s apartment to wait for them to get home. The next morning, they find out from Richard that New Christine felt to bad about going against her wishes that she talked Richard into staying home and watching movies with Ritchie. Christine is forced to recognize that New Christine is a very nice person. 7/23/13
• 012. Some of my Best Friends Are Portuguese – 5/22/2006
  • Christine is tired of the poor treatment from the other mothers at school, namely from Marly and Lindsay, especially after they stick Ritchie with showcasing Portugal for their class project. When she runs into another down-to-earth Portuguese woman named Belinda (Ana Ortiz) at the school, she is ecstatic to meet someone who is more on her social level. She is surprised however to learn that Belinda is actually Marly’s housekeeper, and Christine gets stuck helping Belinda wait on Marly’s book club guests, all of whom are other school moms. Christine then learns that Belinda is having an affair with Marly’s husband Charles (Kevin Kilner). She resists putting Marly in her place by telling her, and breaks off her friendship with Belinda, not because she’s Portuguese or a housekeeper, but because she’s a whore. Meanwhile Matthew thinks he misses spending time with Richard, but when they spend time together, he realizes that he doesn’t. 7/23/13
• 013. A Fair to Remember – 5/22/2006
  • The mean moms are agog over one of the new fathers at the school, and Christine is pleased to find out that it is Burton, especially when he tells them that it was Christine who broke up with him and broke his heart. Christine volunteers to help set up for the Spring Carnival and dresses up in hopes of winning Burton back. When Burton shows up with a new girlfriend – also named Christine (Amy Landers) and dubbed ‘Pretty Christine’ – she nearly has a nervous breakdown. Richard comforts Christine and they end up kissing. They agree it was a mistake but have trouble not doing it again. Richard’s guilt causes him to confess this to New Christine and she breaks up with him. Christine then finds out that Burton has broken up with his girlfriend in order to date her, but then Richard lets it slip in front of Burton that New Christine broke up with him because they kissed – which Burton overhears and calls off their dating. NOTE: This is the first of a two-part episode and the season cliffhanger. 7/23/13

SEASON 2

• 014. The Passion of the Christine – 9/18/2006
  • Over the summer, Richard has been spending a lot of time with Christine as he builds a laundry room onto her house. This prompts Ritchie to announce at the first day back at school that his parents are getting together. Richard proposed that they actually do, and after some convincing, Christine goes along with it… causing Matthew to question what will become of him. Unfortunately, there is no passion between them as they try several attempts at kissing. When Christine’s passion becomes ignited for Ritchie’s new teacher Daniel Harris (Blair Underwood), Christine realizes that she and Richard are not going to work out together. Ritchie is okay with this as long as parents can stay friends. NOTE: This is the second of a two-part episode. 1/6/14
• 015. The Answer Is Maybe – 9/25/2006
  • Richard is criticized by Christine for hitting on her customers, particularly a blonde named Denise (Rachel Cannon), and Richard accuses Christine of never saying ‘yes’ to life. Christine goes and visits New Christine to convince her to give Richard another chance, and she agrees. Richard hears for Old Christine and heads over to see her, dropping Denise off with Matthew, who naturally makes out with her. Christine practices saying ‘yes’ by agreeing to go out with a stranger named Jeff (Scott Bakula) she meets on the street, who turns out to be New Christine’s father. 1/6/14
• 016. Come to Papa Jeff – 10/2/2006
  • Christine is uncomfortable with dating New Christine’s father but goes ahead for the second date. Furthermore, she agrees to let “Papa Jeff” attend Ritchie’s Grandparents Day at school since her own parents can’t come. New Christine and Richard also come along to the school and explaining who everyone is starts to get uncomfortable for Christine. She leaves the school to go home and map out the potential family tree if she and Jeff got married…and had a kid. In the end she finds that the whole relationship is too ‘incestuous’ to continue. 1/6/14
• 017. Oh God, Yes – 10/9/2006
  • Christine gets angry at Richard and New Christine for taking Ritchie to church without consulting her, thinking that church is elitist, and angry that when she was young, they forgot to call her up for confirmation. Ritchie keeps asking Christine to take him back, so she finally gives in, sending him off to Sunday School with Matthew while she attends the service. Matthew ends up singing Godspell songs to the kids along with the teacher Mrs. Orr (Mary Gross), and Christine muddles through the service with her cell phone going off and her stomach growling during prayer. She finally feels accepted when she gets called to the front by Pastor Ed (Ed Begley, Jr.), but then she sees the submarine shop she had been searching for out the window and runs toward it. 1/22/14
• 018. Separation Anxiety – 10/16/2006
  • Barb and her husband Pete (Anthony Holiday) announce that they are getting a divorce, so Christine insists that Barb move in with them. Christine has a hard time accepting the fact that Barb seems to have gotten over the situation so quickly, and she is especially concerned when she hears Barb in her bedroom with a man. It turns out to be Pete and the two have reconciled, with Barb stating she has no idea how Christine doesn’t get lonely. Meanwhile, Matthew has a hard time staying it Ritchie’s room where he is subjected to Ritchie listening to the sounds of the womb to fall asleep to. 1/22/14
• 019. The Champ – 10/23/2006
  • The mean moms bully Christine into volunteering at Ritchie’s school, and she gets paired up with Stan to serve lunch. Although she tries her hardest not to sleep with him, his ability to pleasure her orally overcomes her and they wind up in bed, much to the delight of Richard and Matthew. Richard however is a bit insecure about the reason for Christine’s attraction and looks to New Christine for validation on his performance as a ‘champ’. Matthew has a one-night stand with a girl named Amy (Jennifer Baxter), who manufactures a relationship and won’t leave. Matthew and Christine end up swapping duties, and each one of them breaks it off with the other’s partner. 2/22/2014
• 020. Playdate with Destiny – 11/6/2006
  • Christine, Richard, Matthew, and Wanda attend a gala fundraiser for Ritchie’s school because Christine has a huge crush on Mr. Harris. After an uncomfortable moment of her calling him ‘Mr. Black,’ she thinks that he has asked her out – but it turns out that it is against school policy for teachers to date parents. Richard enters Christine in a raffle for the kids to go on playdates with the teachers, and Ritchie wins – but since Richard already has plans for Ritchie, Christine has to show up alone for a date at the ice cream parlor. When the mean moms show up, Christine and Daniel are forced to hide in a bathroom stall. Daniel confesses that he would definitely be interested in her if not for the policy. 2/22/14
• 021. Women ‘n Tuition – 11/13/2006
  • When the cost of Ritchie’s school tuition goes up, Christine assumes that she can get the extra money from Richard be feigning being destitute and resorting to buying cat food, when in reality she has simply started feeding a stray a cat. At first, he gives it to her and cancels a getaway with New Christine, but when New Christine tells him how sexually uninhibited, she would be if they got away, Richard takes the check back. When Christine chips her tooth, Barb comes to the rescue to give Christine money…by way of investing in the gym and becoming partners. Meanwhile, Matthew watches a video letter to himself from high school talking about his future and gets inspired to return to medical school. 4/11/14
• 022 – Mission: Impossible – 11/20/2006
  • Ritchie has an important homework assignment to construct a California mission, and since Ritchie seems to like going to his dad’s house so much more, she insists that Richard help him with it on his weekend instead of her always being the ‘homework parent’. Richard forgets about it, so Ritchie slaps one together that looks like a tepee.  Christine and Matthew then stay up all night trying to build one while drinking tequila – as Matthew waits on hold for an internet support line. The next morning Richard shows up with an even better mission that he has built, and Christine confesses that she is jealous that Ritchie likes his place better. Richard says that he has to make his house fun, because Ritchie sees Christine’s house as ‘home’. Christine has Ritchie bring the crummy mission that he attempted to school after all. 4/12/14
• 023. What About Barb? – 11/27/2006
  • Christine gives Barb a key to the gym, insinuating that she is has been made partner now that she’s invested $20,000 in it, but Christine doesn’t care for the changes that Barb makes with the equipment and the music. This nearly causes a rift between them, but Barb thankfully has a soft spot for Christine’s neurosis. Meanwhile, Richard takes New Christine to the lodge in Big Sur where Richard and Christine had spent their honeymoon. Christine lays a curse on Richard that he ‘see’ her everywhere at the lodge – which he does, causing it to be impossible for him to perform in bed with New Christine. Matthew helps Christine find a nanny for Ritchie, but neither Ritchie nor Christine finds any of them acceptable. JoAnn Willette is Tanya. 7/14/14
• 024. Crash – 12/11/2006
  • After dropping Ritchie off at school in her pajamas, Christine and Marly back their cars into each other. Marly leaves since there is no damage to her Hummer, but Christine’s bumper falls off. Christine is forced to rent an SUV while her car is getting fixed. Later Marly has Lindsay and her friend Heidi lie and say that the accident was Christine’s fault. The SUV gets Christine to act aggressive and try to get everyone to lie on her behalf, but it becomes unnecessary when Lindsay tells Christine that there is a surveillance tape of the accident. Christine demands an apology from Marly, but when she hands her $2000 in exchange for the tape, Christine is happy enough. Don Lake is Carl the security guard. 7/14/14
• 025. Ritchie Scores – 1/8/2007
  • At a parent teacher conference, while it becomes more apparent of Christine’s crush on Mr. Harris, he also informs her and Richard that Ritchie seems to have an issue with socializing. Richard thinks that the answer is to have him join a sport team, so Christine reluctantly agrees to let him play soccer. Ritchie starts to enjoy the sport and makes new friends whom he asks to have come over. The friends turn out to be girls and Richard is concerned again…until Ritchie plays house with them and kisses all three of them. Meanwhile, Matthew attempts to confront his mother about making him play flag football as a kid, during which he lost his pants and was nicknamed “Mushroom.” 9/7/14
• 026. Endless Shrimp, Endless Night – 1/15/2007
  • With Christine’s busy schedule, she has digressed into a schedule of waking up early, going to work, eating at Red Lobster, and then going to bed. In order to get out of the rut, she attends a party with Matthew much to his chagrin. A girl named Tori (Miranda Frigon), who once dumped Matthew, shows up and Matthew becomes scared to approach her, never having gotten over her. Christine is shocked she never knew that Matthew was upset by the break-up, and he advises her that she never listens to his problems. Against his advice, she tries to talk Tori into giving him another shot, but it just makes Matthew look pathetic. Eventually she makes out with him once she finds out he is in Med school. Meanwhile, Ritchie refuses to go to work with Richard, having gotten a splinter at the construction site in the past. Instead Richard helps Ritchie design a car out of wood, which makes Ritchie interested in construction…until he gets another splinter. Everyone convenes at Red Lobster and Christine can’t stop laughing, having inhaled too much marijuana at the party. 9/7/14
• 027. Let Him Eat Cake – 1/22/2007
  • It’s Richard’s birthday and he’s ecstatic to get presents. New Christine comes to Christine for a gift idea, and she suggests a bed extender for his truck. She buys it, but when Richard makes such a big deal over it, Christine lets him know that it was her who thought of it. Her anger derives from the fact that Richard is now a good boyfriend though he was a sorry husband for her, and she wants credit for molding him. At the birthday dinner, New Christine shows up with a cake to compete with the one that Christine made and demands that Richard pick the one that is better. New Christine demands that if Christine wants to take credit for the good things, she has to take credit for the bad as well. Christine admits that she was petty and gets a big hug from New Christine and tells her that Richard is now all hers. Meanwhile, Ritchie uses a magic set that he found in the cupboard of crappy gifts to perform and act for his father’s birthday and ends up getting trapped inside a bag. 10/6/14
• 028. Sleepless in Mar Vista – 3/12/2007
  • Christine is having trouble sleeping so she goes to see her chiropractor Dr. Mike (Tim Bagley), who prescribes her sleeping pills. While at the office she runs into Burton, who has been seeing a psychiatrist since his breakup with her, which is a boost for her ego. That night she sleeps 11 hours, but she also has unknowingly called Barb and Richard & Christine to invite them over for waffles. She realizes she has also called Burton and made a date with him. She goes on the date, but soon finds him excruciatingly boring, so she takes more medication to get through the evening. She ends up not only kissing him, but they end up telling each other “I love you.” The next morning Burton comes for a visit and says that he too has been on medication…and actually requires it to get through an evening with her. 10/6/14
• 029. Undercover Brother – 3/12/2007
  • As the gang waits in line for Frou Frou Cupcakes, Christine fears that she has lost her ‘mojo’ when it comes to dating, and Richard announces that his brother Joe (Charles Esten), who was quite a ladies man, is coming into town. Joe ends up leaving Richard’s house because he and New Christine are making too much noise in the bedroom and comes to visit Christine. They end up falling asleep in her bed while watching a movie, and the next morning he kisses her. Christine is excited that her mojo has returned, but tries to tell Joe that she can’t see him. Joe drops the bomb that he is actually gay and that kissing her was the final test to convince himself. Back in line at Frou Frou, Christine lets it slip to Richard that first, Joe kissed her, and second, that he is gay. Joe lies about this to Richard, and tells Christine that she’ll need to take the bullet on this one because he’s not ready to come out to his family. 11/8/14
• 030. Strange Bedfellows – 3/19/2007
  • After Ritchie brags about how his mom blew off a guy (Patrick Breen) at the supermarket who was talking about his political candidate and then doesn’t get to vote in the election because she is watching American Idol … and hasn’t registered, Christine decides to be more involved in politics. She joins a “Save the Earth” campaign against California offshore drilling but meets some opposition in a lady named Audrey (Sandra Bernhard). Eventually she realizes she should have researched her subject. Meanwhile, Richard finds out that Matthew and Barb has made out ten years earlier, and they pressure him to come up with something they can tell about him if he ever blabs to Christine. Eventually he comes up with a story about some wrestling locker-room antics that shock them so much that Barb considers calling the police. 11/8/14
• 031. The Real Thing – 4/9/2007
  • After being teased by Barb about her fake ‘relationship’ with Daniel, she doctors one of Daniel’s school males and laces it with sexual connotations to send to Barb as a joke. Unfortunately, she replies to all and sends it back to Daniel and all of the school parents, causing them to be brought before the gym coach/ethics chairman Ms. Hammond (Jane Lynch), who, after Daniel reveals that he is in fact seeing someone, ends up giving them a warning about the school’s restriction on parent/teacher relationships. After being convinced that she needs to get out of imaginary relationships, she accepts a date with Richard’s architect friend Todd (Dave Foley), who has had a crush on her for five years. Their dates turn into a disaster when she learns his name is actually Tom and he has a diarrhea attack. Daniel shows up at the restaurant to meet his date Regina (Portia Realer), and he and Christine end up waiting together and have a great time. She reminds both herself and Daniel that she needs to be in ‘real’ relationship, and Daniel tells her that he’s only dating Regina as a way to forget about her. Meanwhile Richard shows Matthew and Barb the disturbing video of Ritchie’s birth. 12/11/14
• 032. Faith Off – 4/16/2007
  • Christine’s lack of faith in Richard really starts to come through when she and Matthew show up at Lindsay’s home, where Richard and his team are doing work to remodel her bathroom. Because Richard screwed up a job building a dome at the home of friends of her parents, she is afraid that he will screw up the job, causing Lindsay to talk poorly of their family at Ritchie’s school. Christine stays behind when Richard and Matthew head to Home Depot, where Richard convinces Matthew to buy something manly. He chooses a light bulb changer, which he is using for everything but. Richard gets fired from the job, but Christine is embarrassed to find out that it is because Lindsay’s Nanny-Cam had captured Christine trying on her clothes and laying in her bed. She tries to make it up to Richard by buying him a shower head, but Matthew convinces her that she needs to change the way she sees Richard, since he is not an irresponsible idiot any longer. Richard convinces her that she needs to let go of old grudges, which she tries to do…until Richard tests her by naming numerous things he did to drive her crazy in the past. 12/12/14
• 033. My Big Fat Sober Wedding – 4/23/2007
  • Christine, Barb, Richard & New Christine attend the wedding of their old college friend Ben Michael (Matthew Glave). Christine uncharacteristically volunteers to be the designated driver. Ben’s bride Claire (Rachel Harris) is put off by the fact that Ben always talks about Christine in such glowing terms. Christine credits her sobriety with smoothing things over with Claire, and even becoming friends until she lets it slip that she once slept with Ben. Meanwhile Richard tries to smooth things over with New Christine when he tells her that he’s not interested in getting married again. Barb sings a horrible rendition of Time After Time, which seems to sound good to everyone who is drunk. Matthew has to bring the chocolate fountain gift that Christine forgot – and which Matthew and Ritchie have been using – and ends up staying so that Christine can drink after all. 1/26/15
• 034. Friends – 4/30/2007
  • When Ritchie takes off for an overnight camping trip with his classmates with Ms. Hammond as a chaperone, Christine gives him a walkie-talkie and heads to nearby motel with Barb, Matthew, and Richard, who has been on a break from New Christine for the past month. Christine argues that Richard should talk about his feelings with her since they are friends, which Richard disputes. Matthew becomes uncomfortable with his excitement level while giving Barb a massage on the way up. The two of them head out to get snacks but the car runs out of gas and they are forced to spend the night in the same sleeping bag. Back at the room, Christine talks Richard into calling New Christine, and when he does he finds that she is on a date, cooking for another man. Richard says if Christine is truly his friend, she would sleep with him and she finally agrees. At the campsite, Ritchie gets scared and ends up spending the night in the terrified Ms. Hammond’s tent. Matthew and Barb come back to the room and find Christine and Richard in bed. NOTE: This episode is the first of a two-part episode. 1/26/15
• 035. Frasier – 5/7/2007
  • After her night with Richard, Christine fears that she might be pregnant so she purchases an early-detection pregnancy test. Before she can take the test she tells Richard, which is horribly timed since he has just gotten back with New Christine. Making matters worse, Daniel tells her that he is getting a teaching job at a different school so they can date again. As they wait for the amount of time it takes before she can get a valid reading. Christine and Richard discuss every facet of her having a baby. The results tell her that she is pregnant, and they approach it positively… until Matthew tells them that they are reading it incorrectly, which brings them much relief. Christine goes to the school and tells Daniel that she is ready to date, giving him a big kiss… in front of a room full of student. NOTE: This is the second of a two-part episode. 3/15/15

SEASON 3

• 036. The Big Bang – 2/4/2008
  • Christine is ready to sleep with Daniel, but when Barb makes a comment about how much pressure it will be the first time, Christine becomes incredibly nervous. Barb reveals that she and Christine had a brief experimental fling in college, and both she and Richard agree that she is too ‘frantic’ in bed. Meanwhile Matthew is ready to dissect a cadaver in medical school but thinks the corpse that he got was their old neighbor Mr. Prawler. Christine abandons the sex date to accompany Matthew to the morgue, where Matthew decides to quit medical school, and Christine decides she is ready to sleep with Daniel. After missing each other once, she finally winds up at his apartment where seeing a box of cookies like she used to sell to Mr. Prawler causes her to break down. Daniel agrees to go as slow as she needs to go and admits that he too is nervous since he likes her so much… but they end up going for it right away. Later Barb mentions who much pressure there will be the second time since the first time was so good. 3/15/15
• 037. Beauty Is Only Spanx Deep – 2/11/2008
  • As Christine and Daniel double-date with Richard and New Christine, they notice that it is Daniel and New Christine who is getting all the attention. Christine and Richard convince each other that they are dating out of their class, causing Richard to panic and leave a series of message with New Christine… including a marriage proposal. Christine however thinks that plastic surgery is the way to go and consult Dr. Gurwich (Ben Bode), who digitally alters her photo to see what she could look like. She runs into Stan who tries to dissuade her, but it is ultimately Matthew – who has changed his career choice to therapist – who convinces her that it would be a bad example for her son. New Christine lets Richard off the hook and tells her that even though they will be together forever, she’s not quite ready for marriage. Ali Hillis is Denise the waitress. 6/3/15
• 038. Popular – 2/18/2008
  • Christine befriends a new single dad at Westbridge named Mike Gay (Tom Papa), offering to be his mentor in showing him the ropes. Marly and Lindsay immediately try to take him over, inviting him to a Tuesday coffee meeting that Christine was unaware of. Mike thinks that Christine’s advice to ignore the other parents and stay away from volunteering makes her the ‘Mean Mom’ of the school. Christine finds that if she compliments Marly and Lindsay, they accept her and being inviting her to events. However, when the mean moms keep talking during Ritchie’s performance with the Ring-a-Ding-Dings Handbell Choir, Christine blows up at them and loses their friendship again. However she keeps Mike, who laments that he needs to find a new mentor. Lindsey Fields plays bell teacher Myrna Jones. 6/3/15
• 039. Traffic – 2/25/2008
  • Christine is having trouble fitting Daniel into her schedule with the amount of time she spends with work, Ritchie, and her friends and family. A dinner date that she brings Rtichie along on has to end when his video game runs out of power. Christine schedules herself to attend a work reception with Daniel, but when Ritchie’s soccer game lasts longer than expected and she gets stuck in traffic, she has to send Barb, who is busy coming up with ways to vandalize her husband Pete, to occupy him; Barb and Daniel find out they don’t like each other. Christine forces New Christine to swap clothes with her in the car and finally arrives at the event… just as it is ending. Daniel breaks it off with Christine because her schedule is just too busy. Upset by the breakup, Christine thinks it is Daniel returning, but she ends up running to the door and embracing New Christine, who gives her a return kiss and tells her it’s been a ‘weird day’. 7/27/15
• 040. Between a Rock and a Hard Place – 3/3/2008
  • Christine allows seven days to mourn the loss of her relationship with Daniel, and then tries to spring back into action. She takes Ritchie to a birthday party at a rock-climbing place and ends up climbing the rock herself. When she gets to the top, she suddenly becomes depressed about her state. Mike is unable to talk her down, so they have to call Matthew, who is having a crisis of his own. One of his school assignments is to spend time with a therapist named Dr. Jacobson (Stephanie Feracy), who tells him that it is his unhealthy relationship with Christine that is keeping him single. After he awkwardly gets Christine down from her rock wall, they both confront the therapies. Some of things that they say convinces them that they both need therapy. Sally Pressman is Melanie. 7/27/15
• 041. The New Adventures of Old Christine – 3/10/2008
  • Christine feels lonely at the Hollywood Bowl classical music series when she goes with Richard & New Christine and Matthew & his date Bree (Marcy McCusker). New Christine sets Christine up with her co-worker Timmy (Ben Feldman), who is much younger. Christine scoffs at the notion initially, but then starts to be charmed by Timmy. However when they have to run back to his house to get his I.D., Christine is forced to meet Timmy’s mother Shelley (Gigi Rice) who is aghast that Christine is dating her son. Christine goes home but is followed by Timmy who has run away from home. Christine calls his mother to come retrieve him, and the two discuss the craziness of the dating scene. Christine’s next date courtesy New Christine is with an elderly man. 10/23/15
• 042. House – 3/10/2008
  • Trying to emulate Oprah Winfrey by putting positivity forth in the universe, Christine gives Richard her old couch for the new house he has bought for him and New Christine. When she goes to visit him, she realizes that the house is actually dream house she had always hoped to get with him. She tries to remain upbeat, until she sees a family picture of Richard, New Christine, and Ritchie, which causes her to storm out, taking the couch with her… which promptly gets stuck in her front door. Christine tries to make her house more homey by eliminating the television and making Ritchie bunk beds… which won’t fit in his room. She is downtrodden, until New Christine comes to visit and admits that she cannot take the pressure of being a homemaker. 10/23/15
• 043. Burning Down the House – 3/17/2008
  • Christine and Barb find a small marijuana joint in the lost and found, and Christine wants to smoke it with Barb, although Barb thinks she never follows though with anything. When they are interrupted at home by a visit from Richard and Tom, Christine initially get spooked but then becomes more determined than ever to smoke it. When the joint goes up in smoke quickly, Christine turns to Matthew and then to Tom to try and find another joint. Tom takes Christine to his old roommate to try and get one, but also coaxes her into going out with him again, telling her at least she will complete something. She ends up having a good time and she and Tom kiss. Meanwhile Barb laments never having slept with anyone besides her ex-husband, and then turns to Matthew and they sleep together. NOTE: This is the first of a two-part episode. 12/30/15
• 044. The Happy Couple – 3/24/2008
  • Matthew and Barb try to keep their affair a secret from Christine and cover up by pretending that they are planning her birthday party. Matthew confides in Richard, who then tells new Christine, who tells Christine, who is aghast at the situation and after having a dream that she herself is making out with her brother, forbids them from seeing each other again. This only makes Matthew and Barb want to date more than ever, despite the fact that they are already starting to lose interest in each other. Richard finally convinces Christine that their dating is not about her, and she goes over to give them their blessing… only to find that they had only been keeping it up to defy her. Christine is content knowing that it was all about her after all. Richard has a dream that he makes out with Matthew. NOTE: This is the second of a two-part episode. 12/30/15
• 045. One and a Half Men – 3/31/2008
  • Christine has flu-like symptoms and constant hot flashes and is told by her Dr. Palmer (Jason Alexander) that she is perimenopausal. Barb gives her some cream to help soothe her discomfort, and it immediately perks her up and makes her stronger than normal. Matthew figures out that she is taking testosterone, which is making her aggressive as well. Everyone attends a Cotillion with Ritchie, and when Marly and Lindsay won’t let their daughters Lily and Kelsey dance with Ritchie, Christine blows her stack, threatens them, and then grabs Lindsay by the throat and forces her out the door. Christine later returns to Dr. Palmer and finds out that she actually has chicken pox. 3/3/16

SEASON 4

• 046. A Decent Proposal – 9/24/2008
  • Barb’s divorce from Pete is final, but she soon finds out that this may mean she will get deported since she was born in the Bahamas. Richard decides that he is going to propose to New Christine, but she insists that he come up with a creative way to do it rather than unromantically copying off movies that he has seen. In order to to help Barb, Christine suggest that they get married since gay marriage has been legalized in California. Barb reluctantly agrees, but later calls it off on the day of the wedding after realizing they are making a mockery of marriage and after Pete offers to remarry her. However Barb later returns to the wedding being held in Richard’s backyard, and decides that she’d rather marry Christine, so Matthew, who has acted as wedding planner, performs the service. Richard tells New Christine that he might never come up with the right words to tell her how much he wants to marry her, but his speech does the trick and New Christine accepts. Meanwhile Ritchie begins sixth grade, and Christine discovers that both Marly and Lindsay are pregnant. 3/4/16
• 047. How I Hate Your Mother – 10/1/2008
  • Richard asks Christine to return her engagement ring so that he can give it to New Christine, but she refuses. Richard offers to buy her a $15,000 ring to replace it, but then Christine realizes that Richard only wants it because his mother wants him to give it to New Christine, so she flat out refuses to let it go. Matthew talks her into behaving like a friend to Richard, so she decides to give him the ring after all… but then loses it during a food and alcohol binge evening that digresses into her putting on her old wedding dress. She confesses to Richard that she does have a bit of jealously in her but that she is going to try her best to be a friend. He is okay with her losing the ring, because he has already taken her advice and bought the new ring for New Christine. Happy to be friends, she soon find themselves kissing once again. Meanwhile Matthew takes on his first patient, a ‘starter crazy’ named Lucy (Michaela Watkins), who had test anxiety. Matthew quickly finds himself in love with her, and also finds out that her actual problem is that she fall in love with anyone with authority and knowledge. He disqualifies himself from being her doctor and soon they are passionately kissing in his office. Ernie Grunwald is the ring salesman. 6/9/16
• 048. White Like Me – 10/8/16
  • Barb is interviewed for Black Women’s Business Weekly which helps pick up customers for the dwindling clientele at the gym. Soon the gym is full of black women, which intimidates Christine into believing that she might be racist. Barb assures her she’s not racist, but Christine is still uncomfortable with the new dynamic so goes out to scout white clients by giving them free memberships, which causes the black clients to quit because they are had to pay. When the free trial runs out, the gym winds up empty again. Meanwhile Christine has Richard and Matthew help get Ritchie to his various activities. They reject the notion of traditional sitcom fathers who can’t perform the simplest tasks, but then end up showing up to pick him up from school on a Sunday, and then losing track of where he is. 6/9/16
• 049. Snakes on a Date – 10/15/2008
  • When Ritchie attends a birthday party at Neil’s Reptilatorium where there is a reptile presentation, and decides he wants to join the Reptile Adventure Club. Meanwhile Christine feels guilty that she is working too much and not spending enough time with Ritchie. After a long day, she realizes that she forgot to hand in the club application, and the instructor Neil (Jeffrey Tambor) is adamant that tardiness will cost him being in the club. Christine agrees to go out with him in exchange for letting Ritchie in the club, but after one date, it becomes clear that Neil wants more. Christine declines, and consequently Ritchie can’t be in the club… but when Christine tells Ritchie the news, Ritchie has fogotten all about the club and now wants to be on the chess club. Meanwhile Matthew sleeps with Lucy and then gets advice from Richard when Lucy leaves right away afterward. Richard tells him to act cool as if he doesn’t care, but the advice doesn’t work. Lucy later admits that she was acting that way because she really likes him. When Richard brings a snake home for Ritchie and Neil comes to retrieve it, Christine gets roped into one more date feeling guilty. 8/28/16
• 050. Everyone Says I Love You Except Ritchie – 10/22/2008
  • When Christine tells Ritchie she loves him when she drops him off at school, he refuses to say it back. Christine takes it to heart and in desperation asks Richard to impregnate her so that she can have a new baby to cuddle. When Ritchie tells Matthew about her problem and that she always sleeps in Ritchie’s bed with him, he confides in her that he can’t go to sleep until he’s talked to their mother on the phone. In order to help one another through the night, they end up cuddling together. Meanwhile New Christine is furious that Richard didn’t say no quicker to Christine about having another baby with her. Their fight escalates and New Christine ends up telling Richard that she would choose Matthew if Richard didn’t exist. The next morning Richard and New Christine make up, Matthew calls his mother, and Ritchie still refuses to give Christine an “I love you”. 8/28/16
• 051. Tie Me Up, Don’t Tie Me Down – 10/29/2008
  • Still reeling over her breakup with Mr. Harris, Christine talks Barb into accepting dates with guys named Brian (Dan Gauthier) and Patrick (Tim DeKay) who they meet at the video store. Although Christine’s natural instinct is to want to be in a relationship, Barb prods her to just enjoy the date and have fun with it. Christine then acts aloof with Patrick, who she secretly is crazy about… mostly because he owns a winery. After both couples go back to Christine’s house and make out, Barb accepts a second date with Brian, but when Christine calls Patrick for a follow-up date, he tells her that he is moving to Spain that day. Christine is secretly devastated, and when she runs into him at the video store again, she confronts him. Patrick is honest and tells her that he didn’t like, the reason being that she was so adamant about not getting into a relationship. When she comes clean and tells him that she really loves relationships, he gives dating her another chance… although she breaks down when she finds out that his last name is also Harris. Meanwhile Richard is assigned the task of finding chairs for the receptions, and as he and Matthew search, the chairs becoming an analogy for committing to ‘just one’ that shows his cold feet about his wedding. 11/16/16 
• 052. So You Think You Can Date – 11/5/2008
  • With Ritchie at his grandmother’s, Christine and Patrick head to the bedroom after their date, only to be interrupted by a visiting Richard. Christine tells him that they’re good friends and he has to either take it or leave it. When Patrick agrees to ‘take it’, Christine takes advantage by inviting Richard to go out to eat with them on a date. Patrick finally gets irritated and they break up, but when New Christine suggests that Christine might be avoiding intimacy, she acknowledges that this might be true and confesses it to Patrick, breaking it up again when they start to explore her reasons for feeling that way and all of the things that could go wrong in a relationship. Patrick then pursues her, and they decide they can take it slow, heading straight to the bedroom. Meanwhile Barb worms her way into Matthew’s office and tells him a big secret involving Ralph Macchio. When Barb catches Matthew divulging her secret, she gets irritated with Matthew… but later confesses that she just made it all up. She ends up on his couch seeking further therapy anyway. 11/17/16
• 053. Self-Esteem Tempura – 11/12/2008
  • Despite his parents’ lack of confidence in him, Ritchie surprises everyone when he is excellent in his school play. After the show local casting director Heidi Baker (Amy Tolsky) approaches Christine and Richard to see if he might want to try out for a commercial. Christine is all for it, but Richard disagrees. Ultimately they decide to let Ritchie makes the choice, and he prefers to skip the acting and concentrate on getting his Yellow Belt in karate, at which he is terrible. Christine laments about never being pushed to pursue her dancing with Matthew, so she decides to take Ritchie anyway. Richard is furious with her until he finds out that Ritchie was actually chosen. Ritchie however is less than enthused and wants to attend karate class. His parents force him to go film the commercial, but the director (Barry Livingston) can’t work with him because Ritchie doesn’t want to be there. Christine finally acknowledges that her desire for success revolves around her rather than Ritchie. They end up taking him to karate class where Ritchie dances through the warm-up. Elaine Loh is the receptionist. Kimberly Hidalgo is Amber. 2/24/17
• 054. Rage Against the Christine – 11/19/2008
  • Things are going great with Patrick, and Christine is making the mean moms jealous, until Patrick has a meltdown on the tennis court after Christine defeats him and then rubs it in. Everyone tries to convince him to give him a chance so she invites him over for game night to see if explodes when losing. However she had trouble getting Matthew to throw the game, so she changes Patrick to the other team and then has trouble defeating Richard and New Christine, causing Christine to be the only one who has a meltdown, and everyone to enjoy Patrick. However as he is leaving Richard wins an argument with Patrick about what type of wine they were drinking, which leads to one of his meltdowns and smashing the bottle through the wall. Christine arranges to break it off with him in a public place with Richard present… but it is unnecessary because it doesn’t seem to phase Patrick. Meanwhile Matthew fears that his new girlfriend Lucy looks and acts too much like Christine, culminating in them being in identical outfits. Matthew is nearly ready to break it off with her too, until he finds out that she doesn’t drink, indicating that she is in fact nothing like Christine. 2/27/17
• 055. Guess Who’s Not Coming to Dinner? – 11/26/2008
  • The entire gang makes the trek for Thanksgiving to Christine’s mother Angela (Brenda Belthyn) and father Larry’s house. Angela constantly berates Christine about her divorce and has made Matthew’s girlfriend Lucy rather nervous about meeting her, especially when Christine tells her that she treats Matthew like a boyfriend. Upon arrival they find that Christine’s father is not there and soon they start to suspect that Angela has killed him. She finally admits that they had a fight and that he left several days ago, and refuses to serve the turkey until he returns. Christine is able to finally able to cheer her up and convince her to eat, but when he does in fact return after she starts eating the turkey, she holds Christine responsible. Meanwhile Lucy and new Christine swap sleeping areas so that they can be with their me. Lucy’s clothes get picked up and she winds up only wearing a blanket to the dinner. New Christine hurts her neck by sleeping on the floor and realizes Richard can’t be with her if she is crippled. 7/27/17
• 056. Unidentified Funk – 12/10/2008
  • Christine and Barb plead with a female executive named Margaret (Megan Mullally) from the gym’s home company Bloom for new equipment. Margaret agrees to give it to them, until she finds out that they are married, which violates a family values clause in their contract causing them to lose their franchise. Christine and Wanda decide to tell Margaret that they in fact are not gay. Matthew is appalled that they would do business with such a company, but they don’t seem to mind. Margaret agrees that their franchise will be returned to them… but then passionately kisses Christine. Meanwhile, New Christine is moody because of her birth control, so she and Richard decide that he will have a vasectomy. Wanda and Christine get ready to sign the new contract, but can’t go through with working for a homophobic company. Margaret won’t budge on the clause, and the company empties their gym. Richard doesn’t go through with the operation, but doesn’t tell Christine. Two weeks later when Christine proposes sex, he can’t resist, operation or not. NOTE: The episode is to be continued. 8/19/17
• 057. Happy Endings – 12/17/2008
  • Christine and Barb visit a bank to try and take out a loan to open their own gym in the building they already own, but the banker Mr. Tuttle (Bob Clendenin) not only refuses them, but also advises them that their marriage will not keep Barb from being deported. Despite Barb’s pleas to burn down their building, they decide to open a spa and have Richard help them design the interior, and Christine sells her grandmother’s jewelry to pay for the massage tables. However, Matthew tells them that he was fondled while getting a massage, and they are forced to fire the transsexual man Sparkle (Kelly Mantle) who was the perpetrator. With business falling off, Christine resorts to asking the mean moms for money for the business, but it becomes clear they will want too much control. Barb ends up selling her condo to re-open the gym, and then must move in with Christine. Meanwhile Richard volunteer’s in Christine’s place to sew costumes for the Colonial Days event at the school, but is ignored by the other mothers and mothers’ nannies. But once he gives Patty some relationship advice, he becomes high in demand to be their friends… until the advice he gave Patty backfires, at which point he is ostracized again. Silvia Curiel is Paola the nanny. 2/7/18
• 058. Notes on a 7th Grade Scandal – 1/14/2009
  • Christine, Richard, and Matthew visit Ritchie’s new junior high as he gets ready to start seventh grade, and tires with all of her might to impress the new principal James Merrow (Stephen Tobolowsky). She also runs into an old junior high classmate Todd Watski (Lee Tergesen), who ruined her reputation in school by telling people that he touched her breasts. She confronts Todd, and he pretends he doesn’t recognize her, but then begins to taunt her during the meeting. Todd finally admits that he remembers her, but then tells her that he is rich and tells everyone else that she slept with him. Christine takes revenge by writing graffiti about him in the men’s restroom and gets caught by Principal Merrow. When she it taken to his office, she begins to behave like she’s in junior high herself. Todd eventually apologizes and admits that telling everyone that he scored with Christine, the hottest girl in school, his popularity increased. She ends up letting him touch her breast and promises more if he buys her things. Meanwhile Barb runs into New Christine at the movies and shows her aggressive side when a teenager (Ryan Sparks) and his friends cut in front of them. New Christine is so impressed that she begins to be assertive herself, and ends up getting fired when she demands a raise… but is re-hired and promoted when she tells her boss about all of the notes that she kept about how she’s been sexually harassed. 1/8/18
• 059. What Happens in Vegas Is Disgusting in Vegas – 1/21/2009
  • As acting Best Man, Matthew arranges to take Richard to a game of Laser Tag. Joining them is Richard’s brother Joe (Charles Esten), who is clearly hurt that Richard didn’t ask him to be the Best Man. Meanwhile Christine and Barb make New Christine feel bad that her bachelorette party thrown by co-workers was little more than a coffee break. They take pity on her and agree to take her to Las Vegas for a real party. New Christine realizes that she likes hard alcohol and quickly gets drunk, begins flirting with men, tries to Christine, and second guessing her upcoming marriage. Christine decides to give her some solid advice to steer her back toward Richard, but New Christine escapes and is finally able to kiss another man named Lew (Barry Alan Levine). She realizes by kissing another man, she has finally sowed her wild oats and is ready to get married. Richard finally agrees to have Joe as his Best Man, but Joe is unavailable on any date that Richard offers up. Matthew, although hurt about being discarded, agrees to do it again. New Christine asks Christine to be her Maid of Honor and she reluctantly agrees. 10/13/18
• 060. Reckless Abandonment – 2/11/2009
  • Matthew decides to move in with Lucy, while Barb decides to move into her own place. With Ritchie heading out to Science Camp, everyone worries Christine will be miserable being alone, although she thinks she can do it. Matthew starts having problems with Lucy right away when she is overly attached to her dog Mr. Deeds, aka Eric aka Neil. Christine begins failing being alone, when she can’t kill a bug, runs out of food, loses her car keys, and eventually gets locked out. She breaks in through her bathroom window and gets her foot stuck in her toilet. While stuck in her predicament, she thinks about her earlier independent days – ala her time as Elaine Benes – when she bullies someone out of their newspaper. Richard and Barb eventually stop by and rescue her. When Lucy panics when Matthew is late, they decide that they probably should not live together. Initially they decide to continue dating, but ultimately break up. Christine is thrilled to have Matthew back at home. Christine is happy that Matthew thinks he might never be able to live with someone other than her. 10/18/18
• 061. Honey, I Ran Over the Kid – 2/18/2009
  • Christine is a nervous wreck about allowing Richard to take Richie to a skate park with some friends, and despite sending him out covered in padding, Richie returns with a scraped elbow. Christine maintains that fathers are all terrible at taking care of their kids, to which Richard is offended. Christine becomes even more protective about letting Richie ride his bike to a friend’s house, but at Barb’s advice she lets him go… but follows him in the car. In the process she accidentally hits him with her slow moving car and Richie injures his knee. Christine gets Barb to take the blame, and Richard quickly forgives her, but when Christine finally admits that she did, Richard won’t let her live it down. As each parent seems to top each other with how they’ve messed up, they both decide they’re terrible parents. The comfort each other, but when they realize that Richard had forgotten to pick up Richie from school, Christine declares herself the victor. Meanwhile Matthew enters a new relationship with Andrea (Crista Flanagan), the lunch lady at Richie’s school. Although everyone else can see that she is the most boring person on earth, it takes Matthew quite some time to realize that she is only a rebound following his relationship with Lucy and finally breaks it off. 8/2/19
• 062. Too Close for Christine – 3/11/2009
  • Christine is thrilled that Richie considers her his best friend, but nonetheless he finds a new friend named Justin (Parker Goris). His mother Francie (Kristen Johnston) takes a liking to Christine and soon reveals herself to be a complete trainwreck, a situation Christine rather likes as it gives her someone to mentor. Barb encourages the friendship because she needs a break from Christine. However when Francie becomes too needy, Christine tries to break it off, but when Francie’s grandmother dies, she has to not only attend the funeral but deliver the eulogy. Meanwhile with the heat out in Matthew’s room, he moves in with Richard and Christine, and at first enjoys the constant pampering… but soon grows weary of the rigidity of the living situation. Things get worse when he spills a drink on the carpet and he and Richard frantically try to clean it before she finds out. When she does indeed find out, she has a meltdown, but Richard is able to talk her down by saying that they’re relationship is all that matters and not things… but this is also ruined when a chandelier he had previously glued together comes crashing down on the priceless dining room table. Barb misses Christine and comes to help her with the funeral, and winds up with the eulogy. The mean moms near the end of their pregnancies. 8/14/19
• 063. A Change of Heart/Pants – 3/18/2009
  • While chaperoning a field trip for Richie’s class, the mean moms go into labor and Christine is the one who has to get them to the hospital, even though both of their water broke on her pants. She tries to leave them, but both of them tell her that she is their best friend and beg her to stay because their husbands are in Scotland. Meanwhile Matthew and Richard, who has a new toupee for the wedding, are trying on tuxedos when Matthew gets a call to bring Christine new pants. Both come to the hospital, and Christine ties to enlist Matthew to talk down the moms. However their vaginas disgust him too badly, so Richard volunteers to help. Christine can only remember how he behaved so nervously when Richie was born that he left her in the elevator by herself. Richard is so tender with the moms that they think he is wonderful. Christine then remembers how good he was for most of Richie’s delivery, and suddenly finds herself attracted to him again Richard feels the same way, so the two of them discuss having sex. Matthew diverts their attention and suggests they go out to ear. This quickly leads to a fight between them when Christine mentions that she hadn’t eaten all day and Richard corrects her. The fight quickly escalates and they are soon hurling insults, while Matthew is happy that he restored their divorce. Mark Daneri is the doctor. 3/11/20
• 064. Hair – 4/8/2009
  • Principal Merrow and Mrs. Wilhoite help conduct a school lice check, and much to Ritchie’s delight, he is found to have lice. Marly and Lindsay’s daughters Ashley and Kelsey are also found to have lice, and everyone seems to blame Christine for introducing the lice into the school. Tired of the way she is treated, Christine decides to pull Ritchie away from the snobs and move him into a public charter school. She interviews with the principal Diane Slater (Paula Newsome), but doesn’t make the best impression when she attempts to be friendly, but ends up insulting another mother named Dee Sellick (Kathleen Wilhoite), and then attempts to bribe Mrs. Slater with a five dollar bill. Matthew and Richard both find they have lice as well, and soak their hair in olive oil. They come along for the next interview, but the oil has made their hair unmanageable, and caused Richard to have to scratch his head all through the interview. When Mrs. Slater finds out they have lice, she throws them all out. Christine returns to Principal Merrow and he agrees to let Ritchie back in the school, not because Christine offers him her breasts, but because the school likes Ritchie. 3/12/20
• 065. He Ain’t Heavy – 5/6/2009
  • Matthew notices he’s been gaining weight, so Christine offers to help him workout and lose weight. They spend most of their time rolling their rear ends on a workout ball and eating protein shakes. A couple of days later they weight themselves and find that Matthew has gained two pounds and Christine has gained five and has gained a lot of weight in her rear end. She then reveals that she’s been putting peanut butter and ice cream in the protein shakes. Barb takes over in training them and brings them to an old-fashioned boxing ring and gym. Christine works hard, but Matthew blows it off and continues to overeat. At their next weigh-in, Christina gained five more pounds and gotten bigger, while Matthew has lost six. Christine is furious that things come so easy for Matthew. Meanwhile Richard tells Ritchie that his open to talk if he has any concerns about all of the changes. The mean moms overhear this and decide to talk to their babies, and in the course of doing so, realize they have switched children. Ritchie tells Richard that he doesn’t want him to marry new Christine. The reason is simply that he doesn’t like change, and Richard agrees that he doesn’t either and begins contemplating calling it off. Matthew talks him out of letting a 13-year old decide his future, so he tells Ritchie that he is going to go forward with the wedding… but still wants to know if he is making a mistake. Barb continues working with Christine, working harder and eating almost nothing, while Matthew tries to gain weight to help Christine feel better. At their next weigh-in, Christine is ecstatic that her hard work has allowed her to lose two pounds… while Matthew has managed to lose another five. Extra Katrina Nelson is credited as the beautiful girl. 6/21/20
• 066. The Old Maid of Honor – 5/13/2009
  • It’s the night of Richard and new Christine’s rehearsal dinner. Old Christine is making it all about her, and as the Maid of Honor has prepared a hilarious toast that she can’t discuss without laughing. Likewise New Christine can’t help but laugh every time it comes up either. Matthew as Best Man will also be delivering a toast, but he is solemn, down on love, and anti-marriage. Christine also feels the need to have a date so she asks Todd Watski to attend with her. She spends the bulk of the wedding trying to live up to the affection she sees with Richard and new Christine, but Todd also sickens her because he is such a jackass. New Christine hopes to set Matthew up with her half-sister from London, Amy Hunter (Contance Zimmer). Matthew has no interest, but then meets her independently and winds up in the coat room with her, which changes his perspective on love. Wanda simply keeps drinking into at least one of the single men look acceptable to her. New Christine shows off her slide show Richard & Christine: Two Lives, One Love – A Photo Journey of a Special Couple on Their Special Day. In Love. Once it is over, Christine finally gets tired of Todd and she sends him home. She tries to leave the dinner and steals someone’s coat to make an exit, but is called back to deliver the speech. She finally accepts that the night is not about her and she gives an emotional, tearful speech about how hard this will be for her, but she is happy that Richard and Christine are happy. New Christine still finds it hilarious. On the dance floor, Richard and new Christine dance romantically, Matthew and Amy make out, Barb keeps drinking to make her date look decent, and Christine dances alone in the stolen coat. 6/22/20
• 067. Love: A Cautionary Tale – 5/20/2009
  • Everyone gets ready for Richard and New Christine’s wedding, although no one cares for the yellow dresses on the bridesmaids. Christine uses her former failures with love to give advice to Matthew not to fall too hard too for Amy. Likewise she gives advice to Wanda to let down her wall of sass when dealing with men. Christine meets up with new Christine’s father Papa Jeff again at the wedding, and sparks fly and they have sex in the rectory. Matthew and Amy play ‘dare’ at the wedding and they kiss her Aunt and Uncle on the lips, play Mary Had a Little Lamb on the church organ, and eat the top layer of the wedding cake. Matthew is having a blast and falling in love, but then is devastated that Amy tells him that she plans to return to London after the wedding, and that this had just been a terrific two-night stand for her. Wanda meets a man named Dave (James Lesure) and lets down her ‘wall of sass’ and tells him about herself, admitting the reason she is married to Christine is to avoid deportation. He then tells her that he is actually an INS agent and has no choice but to arrest her. Christine is thrilled to be back with Papa Jeff, but then when his fiance Sarah (Debra Azar) shows up the wedding, she too is devastated. Richard comes to Christine’s aid and forces his future father-in-law Jeff to leave Christine alone. New Christine is upset that Richard’s focus seems to be on Christine, and when it comes time for her to make her way down the aisle, she is nowhere to be found. 10/8/20

SEASON 5

• 068. Bahamian Rhapsody – 9/23/2009
  • In the aftermath of Richard’s non-wedding, he, Christine, and Matthew all lament the loves they lost from new Christine’s family. They all think no one has it worse than them, as Barb remains in prison for immigration violations. Christine goes to see her and breaks down crying at her predicament, but then quickly begins lamenting about losing Papa Jeff. Barb asks Christine to fly to the Bahamas and find a guy named Bongo who can issue a fake visa for Barb. She and Matthew catch a flight, but Christine struggles to get comfortable during the flight, ultimately inflating a life vest to use as a pillow. The stewardess Jamie (Alison White) and Christine are at odds for the entire flight, and she won’t let Christine have wine. Christine ultimately refers to her as the waitress and ‘sir’. When they get off the plane, Christine realizes she left her pocketbook with her passport on the plane, but Jamie won’t help her retrieve it, so Christine is held in immigration too. Matthew goes to look for Bongo, but comes back from a day at the beach, stoned and with his hair in braids. Meanwhile Richard tries to make up with new Christine and spends the night on her porch. It turns out she stayed with her mother, and she comes back as Richard is peeing in her watering can. Although Richard delivers a heartfelt apology, Christine tells him that she’s over him and wants to move on. Barb is visited in lock-up several times by Dave, who seems to be pursuing her with candy and flowers. He tells her that he really likes her, and would be willing to be a fake husband. Christine uses her breasts to seduce someone in immigration, who finally lets her and Matthew come back home. Christine is surprised to find Barb in her living room and is quick to take the credit… even though Barb got out of her situation by getting engaged… to Richard. Skyy John is the security guard. 10/9/20
• 069. Burning Love – 9/30/2009
  • Although Christine is still gloating over Richard’s breakup with New Christine, Richard is beside himself with grief. Matthew and Barb agree to go over to Christine’s house to get his old clothes, and are surprised to find that she is chipper and seems to be over Richard already. In his capacity as a counselor, Matthew tries to get her to let out her feelings, and winds up getting her angry enough to start drinking and burning Richard’s clothes. Meanwhile Christine tries to cheer up Richard by looking up their old friends from college,  Larry Babbots (Wayne Nickel), The Douche (Dave Florek), and Candy (Jeanette O’Connor). Initially they are both taken aback and depressed with how old everyone looks, especially after finding out that their other friend Bong-Hit has died, but after a few beers, Richard is ready to hit on Candy, and the Christine feels like the best looking woman at the table. They have such a good time that they realize that time is short so they’d better enjoy life. On that note, Richard and Christine agree to sleep together since it’s something they enjoy. However, while Christine is getting ready, Matthew and Barb return and tell Richard how much Christine hates him now. He takes this as a sign that she must still care about him, so he heads over there. Christine doesn’t realize he’s gone because she’s still trying to get ready. Although new Christine slams the door in his face, Richard remains optimistic. 1/26/21
• 070. The Mole – 10/7/2009
  • Richard is still living at Christine’s house and they both try to get into the shower at the same time, resulting in them both being naked in the bathroom. It doesn’t seem to turn either of them on, until Richard spots a mole under Christine’s breast, and he thinks she might be dying, at which point Richard suddenly becomes interested. After Christine suggests that Richard force New Christine to sell the house that they bought together so he can move out, she goes to work and finds out from Barb that she no longer has any health insurance. After declaring that she’s going to do an explosive documentary on health care, she visits a free clinic where the wait is so long that one woman (Terryn Westbrook) has apparently delivered her baby while waiting in line. She also accidentally shows a painter (Ross Mackenzie) her breasts, thinking he is a doctor. Christine finally forces a nurse (Kulap Vilaysack) to get her in, but an ambulance drops her off in the middle of downtown in her gown. Meanwhile new Christine and Richard have a standoff at the house, and Richard refuses to leave. Christine tries to get him out by bringing in the neighbor’s cat, which cause an allergic reaction in Richard. It digresses into a physical altercation, and Christine pretends to be knocked out. Eventually they agree to try living together. Matthew gets a medical student named Glenn (Chris Gartin) to check out Christine’s mole, which ends up being a piece of brownie. They end up making out, so Christine forgets her troubles and ends up on top of the world. 1/26/21
• 071. For Love or Money – 10/14/2009
  • Barb and Richard are ready to proceed with their sham wedding, and Barb tells Christine that she just needs her to sign some papers drawn up by her lawyer Paul (Michael Mantell) that will protect her assets now that she and Christine are divorcing. This upsets Christine that Barb doesn’t trust her, so she goes and hires her own lawyer Howard (Corbin Bernsen), who talks her into demanding a large settlement. Barb is served the papers by a process server (Steven Lee Allen) and becomes furious herself. The two battle it out in negotiations, with Christine driving the amount she asking for up to $50,000, and Barb walking out of the talks. Fed up by the whole thing, Barb comes over and gives Christine a check for $25,000 and tells Christine that she now wants her out of her life. Christine feels guilty and sad, so she shows up at the courthouse and returns the check to Barb… after trying to cash it and realizing that there are insufficient funds in the account. Christine apologizes to Barb, and likewise Barb is sorry that she didn’t trust her after being burned so many times. The judge (John Apicella) marries Richard and Barb, but it is only Christine who gets a kiss from Barb. Meanwhile, when the mean moms are depressed that they are getting old and start eating in public, Matthew compliments them to get them to feel better. However when they come to see him professionally, Matthew declines… until they offer him multiple times his normal fee. They do not want to be treated, however… just complimented. In fact, before it’s done, they offer him $1000 for him to give them massages. 5/17/21
• 072. Dr. Little Man – 10/21/2009
  • When Matthew realizes how well Christine can talk like a secretary, he asks her to fill in as his temporarily. She had once been a secretary in the 70’s, and in that spirit, she wears one of her old outfits from the era, which has a box of diet pills and clove cigarettes in the pocket. Unfortunately when Christine starts diagnosing the patients when they call for appointments, causing them to actually cancel seeing Matthew, he fires her. Christine has also been acting goofy since she took some of the old diet pills. Matthew’s mentor and current suitemate Dr. Max Kershaw (Eric McCormack), who has also been suspended several times for inappropriate behavior, comes into the office as Christine is screaming at Matthew. Christine makes a date with him, much to Matthew’s ire, but when she meets with him at the office, she realizes that he thought it was for a session to talk about Matthew. They end the date, but later Christine decides she does need to see him professionally, but this time he believes it is a date. They decide to simply date, but she spends all of her time talking about her problems. She eventually decides she needs a therapist more than a boyfriend. Meanwhile, Richard is jealous when New Christine goes out on a date, but she later tells Richard that she didn’t sleep with him and doesn’t want to be with a stranger, which is unfortunately because she is really horny. Richard and Christine decide to sleep together with no strings attached, but then has to admit that he still loves her, and that he is going to need to move out if they can’t be back together. 5/17/21
• 073. The Curious Case of Britney B. – 11/4/2009
  • Christine finds out from the mean moms that Richie is going to the 7th grade formal with the most popular girl in school, Britney Burke, who has a part as a dancer in High School Musical. Christine quickly latches onto the fact that he is so popular, making her popular by association. She rushes home to tell everyone and congratulate Ritchie. He acts aloof about it, but admits that he is terrified and wants her to get his some expensive accessories for the dance, including a limo. Meanwhile, Richard decides he needs to move away from New Christine because she won’t have sex with him while they live together. He finds a terrific place on the beach and invites Matthew to move in with him. When the landlord Doug (Michael Spound) shows them the place, it seems to good to be true. It turns out that the old lady Agnes (Marion Ross) refuses to move out, and it will take two years to go through court proceedings to get rid of her, so he offers them the place only if they can get her out. On the night of the formal, Barb is able to borrow a limo to take the kids, but Britney tells her friend Gretchen (Rachel G. Fox) that she thought it might be cool to take a poor kid, but she can’t stand Ritchie because he is so childish. Barb overhears this, and breaks the news to Christine, who is crestfallen. In fact, she winds up offering Britney $100 for her to continue with the date. The man moms aren’t faring better, as Lindsay’s daughter Kelsey is possibly a lesbian, and Ashley has no date, so she winds up dancing with Kelsey. Christine’s new status is enough to get her to allow to the tier that’s higher than the mean moms, but Britney’s mother Bethany (Erica Shaffer) finds out about the bribe and yells at Christine and tells her that they are leaving, sending her back to the lower tier below the mean moms. Richard is gung-ho to get Agnes out of the apartment, but Matthew feels to guilty… until a cute girl (Kelsey Crane) comes wandering into their room. Agnes admits that she is just lonely, so they set her up to stay with Christine. 9/16/21
• 074. Nuts – 11/11/2009
  • Barb has asked Christine to get a form notarized that will help her stay in the country, but Christine doesn’t get to it because she’s busy trying to find clothes that will fit. Barb is naturally annoyed, but has already taken the precaution of having Matthew get one notarized as a back-up plan. Christine then tells her psychiatrist Max about this, and he points out that she always claims that nothing is her fault. Christine fires him, but he knows she’ll be back the next day. Meanwhile, Richard is trying to get Matthew to hang out at the beach with him, and even asks him to apply sunscreen to him. Matthew makes it clear that they are only roommates, and doesn’t want to be ‘bros’ who infringe on each other’s lives. After not having any boundaries with Christine, he wants to make sure they are clear with Richard, who slinks out to the beach by himself, feeling bitter. Christine makes it a point to have the papers notarized for Christine, but Barb now no longer needs them – and won’t take them – leading to a fight between them. Christine starts to see that she really does need help, so she returns to Max… late and now in the session of a weeping woman (Wendy Johnson). He puts Christine in intensive therapy that forces her to do things she doesn’t want to do, like remain at her desk for more than an hour at work, and vacuum her house. Richard returns from the beach, having fell asleep on the sand with sunburnt testicles. Matthew feels terrible, agrees that they can be best bros, and then takes Richard to the hospital, after mistakenly thinking that Richard’s testicles are wrapped in bubble wrap. Christine finally sits down and writes her ‘thank you’ notes for her wedding gifts, even though some of the guests are now dead. With Christine approaching a breakthrough, she and Max embrace and nearly become intimate, until he rushes out of the room in order to preserve her progress. 9/16/21
• 075. Love Means Never Having to Say You’re Crazy – 11/18/2009
  • Richard decides he’s not getting anywhere with New Christine, so wants to move on and start dating again. He asks Christine to fix him with a date, with his only qualification being that she is hot. Christine isn’t as enthusiastic, but asks Richard to set her up in return, with his only qualification being that he’s rich. Meanwhile, Matthew starts to move his things out of Christine’s place into his own. The two decide to double date for their first date, and Christine introduces Richard to her friend Tracey (Jennifer Grey). He is thrilled with his date, but Christine isn’t at all, considering it is once again, whose she’s tried – and failed – to find attractive several times in the past. At dinner that night, Richard and Tracey can’t keep their hands off each other and wind up making out in the ladies room before they even leave the restaurant. Christine makes no secret of the fact that she can’t stand Tom, but he tells her that he is okay with that, as he only wants a companion he can spend his money on and take care of. When Christine gets home that night, she finds that almost all of her belongings are gone, including her bed, all of which were actually Matthew’s possessions. She starts to think that it might be good to give Tom a try after all. While Richard brags about his many conquests with Tracey, Christine gets her apartment furnished by her new ‘boyfriend’ Tom. When Matthew points out that what she is doing is disgraceful, Christine decides to throw Tom a bone and sleep with him. The only problem is that Tom feels uncomfortable with his own body, and tells Christine the idea of sleeping with her makes her sick. When New Christine brings Richie home from school, Richard realizes he is still in love with her, and tries to break it off with Tracey. She won’t accept the breakup because she says it’s a sin to break up now that they’ve consummated their relationship. Richard realizes that once again, being hot means that she is crazy. He leaves her at the restaurant and rushes over at Christine’s place to tell her that Tracey is crazy, which Christine already realized. New Christine also shows up over there in time to see Tracey show up and make threats about her interfering with Richard. She turns out to be not match with Old Christine, and she throws Tracey out of the house. She then slap Richard and reveals that she is pregnant… meaning that Richard had lied about his vasectomy. Christine also slaps him because he set her up with Tom. 3/16/22
• 076. I Love Woo, I Hate You – 11/25/2009
  • Christine sends Ritchie off to summer camp, and then has to convince the mean moms that she’s happy being single, then involuntarily breaks down crying… an outburst she doesn’t even realize she is doing. Barb has been dating the INS agent Dave for a couple of months and now she is afraid that he’s going to propose to her, so she asks Christine to come along and be the buffer so that they’re never alone and he can’t ask the question. Although Christine acts obtuse about whether she’s even met Dave, she agrees to go along. Dave is disappointed that he’s not going to be alone with Barb, but Barb tells him that Christine has been getting over her divorce for the last six years. When it sounds as if he about to propose, Christine can’t help but get excited. Barb drags Christine into the bathroom to tell her to go out and talk her down to Dave so he will become less interested. When she does just that, Dave says he knows all this and this is why he hates Barb and plans to break it off with her. Christine tells him that if he asks her to marry her, she will break up with him, and save her the pain of being rejected. Dave reluctantly agrees, so he asks Barb to marry him. Barb says that he’s a nice guy and he knows they’d make beautiful children, then stops cold and tells her that she will marry him. Naturally Dave is furious with Christine, but she tells him to just stick with it and she knows he’ll have second thoughts. Richard plans a date with new Christine but thinks they are comfortable enough with each other that he doesn’t have to put in any effort, so he doesn’t even shower. Christine is disappointed with his attitude and tells her that if he can’t get it together and romance her, she will go out with one of her many suitors. Richard then shifts into high gear, makes her breakfast for dinner like she likes, and lights candles all over the room. Christine is appreciative, but he various aromas cause her to throw up on him… and then continue vomiting all evening. Christine tells Richard she can’t believe how great he is being, and that she only forced him to be romantic to get back at him for lying about his vasectomy. She then starts talking about her vomit, which causes Richard to get sick himself. She then says now they are really even. Shira Scott Astrof is the hostess. 3/16/22
• 077. Old Christine Meets Young Frankenstein – 12/9/2009
  • Christine finds out from the mean moms that the school is having a parents meeting because of bullying at school. She is also upset when they won’t announce the bully’s name, so she goes to see Principal Nunley, only to find out that it is Ritchie who is doing the bullying. She goes home and tells Richard and Matthew and relates how she was once a bully to girl at school named Frances Stein (Amy Sedaris), who she referred to as ‘Frankenstein’. Since she is trying to get Ritchie to apologize, the guys encourage her to apologize to Frances. Matthew even helps her locate her on Facebook, which Richard has just joined. While he’s on Facebook, he looks up his ex-girlfriend Lucy and sends her a friend request. This prompts Lucy to show up to see Matthew on her way to her own wedding, wearing a wedding dress. Christine goes to see Frances and attempts to apologize, but Frances has spent her life trying to get over the thrashing she took by having plastic surgeries to rid herself of the Frankenstein image. She winds up slamming the door in Christine’s face. Christine then tells Barb about it and asks Barb to go talk to her to convince her that Christine is a good person. When Barb shows up, Frances mistakes her intentions as a threat. Frances shows up at the gym and begs Christine’s forgiveness and asks her to call off her ‘goons’. Christine tries to explain the truth, but Frances acts terrified and tries to get away from Christine. When Barb arrives to the gym, Christine has tied up Frances to force her to listen. Barb makes Christine untie and send her own her way, but before she leaves, Barb threatens that if she tells anyone what happened, she knows where Frances’s dog lives. Matthew tries to figure out why Lucy showed up, and she says she thinks about him constantly, and thought he might be thinking of her too. Matthew encourages her to head to her wedding and tells her that he has no feelings for her. But once she heads out, he pulls her by the wedding dress train back to him so he can make out with her. Roxanne Beckford is the gym member looking for towels. 7/17/22
• 078. It’s Beginning to Stink a Lot Like Christmas – 12/16/2009
  • While shopping for Christmas trees in the 90-degree weather, Richard and New Christine ask Christine if they can keep Ritchie for the weekend, at which time New Christine’s family have always celebrated the December 15th holiday Kinder-Klausen. Christine and Matthew just want to stay in, but Lucy talks them into having the Christmas spirit and going to the neighborhood party that they were invited to. They show up at the neighbors’ Jeannie (Molly Shannon) and Josh’s (Daniel Roebuck) place, and they all take an instant liking to each other. Christine privately wonders why she has been so anti-social when she could have been part of a neighborhood community, while Matthews keeps asking himself why he and Lucy ever broke up in the first place. As the night goes on, Christine and Jeannie connect more and more… until Christine spies on Josh kissing another party guest in the bedroom. She tells Jeannie what she saw, and then as they go caroling, she starts to get the cold shoulder from Jeannie. She asks her if it is because of the fact that she told Jeannie about Josh kissing the woman. Jeannie tells her that she hasn’t been around long enough to understand the neighborhood dynamic. The two reconcile and start over as friends again, but soon Christine realizes while they’re caroling, that both Jeannie and Josh are caressing other people, as are most of the folks from the neighborhood. When Lucy sees a surfboarding Santa blow-up, she tells Matthew that she thinks it is disrespectful, and that this is not the time to be mocking Santa so close to Christmas. He finds out that she does in fact believe in Santa Claus. They both go home and lament the fact that Christine will never again leave the house, and that Matthew will die alone. Meanwhile at the strange Kinder-Klausen celebration, Ritchie gets upset that the baby has tons of gifts under the Kinder-Klausen ladder, but he only has one: a sweater that Christine knitted, partially with her own hair. Christine then tells Ritchie that as part of the tradition, he gets to be the one to name the baby. Ritchie names the baby XBOX-360, a name that is finalized as soon as he says it. Later, they buy him an actual XBOX-360 and tells him he can keep it if he re-names the baby, making sure to tell him to think about it carefully because this will be the final name. He chooses the name to be “Paintball Gun.” Lauren Tuerk is Cathy. 7/17/22
• 079. A Whale of a Tale – 1/13/2010
  • Christine decides she is ready to tell Dr. Kershaw that she loves him. Matthew thinks it is a case of transference… and a terrible idea. He also hates her use of the word ‘lover.’ Matthew gets her to agree to wait two weeks before following through with the idea. However, just as she and the doctor being their session, she tells him she loves him. Kershaw argues that she couldn’t possibly love him since she knows nothing about him, but she insists she knows how anal he is and proves it by moving things around in his office. When he tells her unequivocally that he does not love her, she storms out of the office. When she gets to her car, she finds that she has a flat tire. A man (Michael Patrick McGill) initially offers to help, but when she makes it clear how crazy she is, he tells her to forget it as her craziness trumps her cuteness. Meanwhile, Richard is stunned when an attractive female tenant named Hannah (Katie Walder) hits on Matthew, and he pays no attention to her. He tells Matthew that he could easily take her as his lover, a word that Matthew once again shuns. Richard tells Matthew about he once blew a similar chance with actress Adrienne Barbeau. Richard steals one of Hannah’s bras from the laundry thinking that she will come looking for it and Matthew will have another chance. Matthew finally gets up the courage to ask her out, but Richard keeps getting in the way trying to live vicariously through Matthew. He takes her out four a drink and then they come back to the apartment. However, he has forgotten that he has a play date for Ritchie with Kelsey and Ashley, along with their mothers Marly and Lindsay. As Max tries to fix Christine’s tire and lecturing her that she needs help to fall out of love with him, Christine notices that Max is wearing a ‘mong’ – a male thong that his sister invented and asked him to test out. After four hours, Max finished the tire, but they realize that he accidentally put the flat back on. This gets them both laughing, sharing a bottle of wine in the back end of the car, and then making out. Max admits that he actually fell for her the minute he saw her. The stranger wanders back by and sees them kissing, cursing himself that didn’t help her. Richard agrees to stay at the playdate and sends Matthew and Hannah over to Christine’s house so they can be together. However, Hannah realizes that Matthew is also testing out the ‘mong’ and walks out on him. Back at Richard’s place, he is telling the mean moms the story of Adrienne Barbeau. Elsewhere, the real Adrienne Barbeau (herself) is telling a friend the story of how she lost Richard. 11/12/22
• 080. Truth or Dare – 1/20/2010
  • While Max and Christine are celebrating their three-week anniversary at a restaurant, Christine tells Max she loves him, to which he responds that she’s great. When Christine gets a text message from her old boyfriend Daniel Harris asking her out, Max is curious why she had never mentioned him before and insists that she says a lot by what she hadn’t said. Max insists that she go out with him to be sure that she no longer has feelings for him. Christine is annoyed by this, thinking that Max is trying to get rid of her, so she agrees to go out with him. When Mr. Harris shows up at the house, both Christine and Matthew still think he is stunning. Harris asks Christine if they can stop at his 25th high school reunion so he can get a picture with his former football Jaguars. Christine admits to Harris that she was dating someone and that she is using him as a rebound. He likewise tells her that he just broke up with his girlfriend Allison. They agree to continue the date, and soon they are the stars of the dance floor and stare making out. Max shows up at Christine’s house to spy on her, but since they have already left, he hangs out with Matthew, Richard, and Barb, all of whom seem to be in love with Mr. Harris himself and carry pictures of him on their phones, tell him he is crazy for sending her on a date with Mr. Harris. Soon Max has practically fallen for Mr. Harris and asks the other to send him photos of Mr. Harris. They all tell Max to go proclaim his love for Christine, and they accompany him to the reunion, all putting on other students’ name tags. The event hostess Emily (Clea Lewis) tells Richard she remembers him based on the student’s name he is using, and that they had vowed to sleep together at the 25th reunion. However, when Richard sees how crazy she is, he spends the night avoiding her, eventually overhearing her tell a different former student the same thing. Max sees Christine and Mr. Harris kissing on the dance floor and thinks he has lost her. However, Christine and Mr. Harris both recognize that the magic of their old relationship seems to have gone. When Christine sees Max show up, she is ecstatic since he is the one that she truly loves. Max tells Christine that he loves her and challenges Mr. Harris to a fight, and then a dance-off. Harris goes off to find another woman, mentioning Rhoda Zimmerman, whose name tag Barb is wearing. 11/12/22
• 081. A Family Unfair – 2/10/2010
  • Christine, Barb, Matthew, and Ritchie all show up to watch New Christine get her ultrasound from Dr. Volk (Tim Meadows), and when the doctor questions why all of them are there, Christine explains that she will be the baby’s half-mother, since her full son will be the baby’s half-brother. Christine decides to make a gesture of giving New Christine Ritchie’s old bassinette… as long as she gets credit for the gesture. However, after she gives it to her – albeit reluctantly – she starts to have second thoughts and asks to have it back. New Christine cannot give it to her because she accidentally set it on fire and has already thrown it away. New Christine feels terrible about it and wants to offer Christine a Starbucks gift card. However, Christine decides that she wants to have a baby of her own now that Ritchie is ‘old’. She approaches Richard and New Christine and asks if she can use Richard’s sperm. After mulling it over for a while, New Christine decides she is okay with it, considering that if Old Christine was able to get another man to do it, he wouldn’t be as good of a father as Richard is. They all return to Dr. Volk to see how fertile she might be,+ all the while trying to explain their bizarre situation. Richard comes to see Christine and asks her why she wants a baby, and most of her answer involves her getting the attention that New Christine is getting. Once he points out how old she would be when the baby graduates, and how it would affect her carefree lifestyle now that Ritchie is old, she decides to not have a baby after all. Richard breathes a sigh of relief having dodged a major bullet, but then sees a pregnant New Christine walk in, which snaps him back to his own reality. 4/17/23
• 082. Sweet Charity – 3/3/2010
  • Barb calculates that she and Christine had a great quarter with the business and that they each have earned an extra $2000. Christine has her eyes set on buying a new Dior dress, but when she hears that Barb plans to donate her earnings to charity, Christine struggles with whether she should do the same. Meanwhile, when Richard uses Matthew as an alibi to New Chrstine as to where he is going at nights, both he and Chrstine start to suspect he is having an affair. Christine goes to see Pastor Ed to ask him what she should do with her money. He tells her that she should do what her conscience tells her, so she heads to the dress store where the clerk Amy (Ashley Williams) is surprised that she actually plans to buy. After running into the mean moms, Christine feels guilty and ultimately doesn’t buy the dress. Instead, she elects to sponsor a little girl in Guatemala. When she shows Barb what she did, Barb tells her that she changed her mind and bought a popcorn maker with her money. Christine then returns to Pastor Ed to see if she can stop payment on the orphan so that she can buy the dress. When she returns to the dress shop, Amy tells her that all she has left is a size 0, so Christine buys it… even though she can’t zip it in the back. Matthew follows Richard and finds out that he is working at the Suit Barn, where he is wearing fake hair in order to gain the trust of his customers. With New Christine working less, Richard needed an extra job to pay for a new transmission in his car. Barb and Christine become bloated from all of the salt in the popcorn they are eating, and Christine winds up ripping the dress, then Barb chokes on it while laughing at her. They both go to see Pastor Ed, who tells them to get rid of the dress and the popcorn machine and give the money to charity or risk going to hell. They wind up helping to pay for Richard’s transmission, but he gives the credit to Matthew. Christine gives the dress to the little Guatemalan girl. 4/17/23
• 083. Subway, Somehow – 3/10/2010
  • When Christine finds Ritchie walking around in circles at school after band practice is cancelled, Christine decides that Ritchie isn’t ready for the world thanks to be coddled so much. Since she is chaperoning the band’s field trip to Disney Hall via Hummer limo, she decides it would be better experience for the kids if they take the subway to get there. Meanwhile, Wanda continues her relationship with Dave via text only. When she accidentally sends a sexy text to Richard instead of Dave, he responds in kind, which causes her to crash her car into Christine’s fence and bump her house. The band kids aren’t happy that they’re taking the subway and even the mean moms, also chaperones, and Principal Nunley are skeptical. Things start going poorly for Christine when the entire class boards the subway and she is left behind with Ritchie’s clarinet on the landing. She imposes on a germaphobe named Bernie (Jim Meskimen) to let her use his phone to call her cell phone, which Ritchie has, but she doesn’t remember her number and finds out that it unlisted when she tries to call 411. Christine tries to get another ticket, but no one will give her any money. However, she finds that if she opens up the clarinet case and starts to sing, and opens up her top, some people give her change. She gets a ticket and boards the train but realizes she has left the clarinet on the landing, and when she gets out to get it, the subway takes off without her again. Eventually the kids and mean moms finish the field trip and find Christine laying on the platform. Christine gets home and wonders where her fence has gone, but the others are able to convince her that she had no fence. Rodney Hobbs and Brian Chenoweth are the passers-by who tell Christine to lose a button. 9/1/23
• 084. Up in the Airport – 4/7/2010
  • Ritchie does a project in school whereby he brings in a globe on which he marked all of the places he’s visited, which amounts to no more than five locations in California. The mean moms being in the globes with Ashley and Kelsey, and they are marked all over the world. Mrs. Nunley suggests that they travel somewhere for Spring Break, so Christine mentions they are going to North Korea. After Mrs. Nunley says that Americans can’t go there, Ritchie requests that they go to Disney World. That night at home, Christine suggests that they all go to Disney World, but Barb says she’s rather stay home and housesit for Christine and drink her wine. Christine tries to exclude New Christine, but when she finds out that New Christine has over 500,000 frequent flyer miles that they can all use. On the day that they leave, Barb gets them off to the airport several hours early. Christine has sprayed on an orange tan, Matthew video tapes the trip, and New Christine tells Richard that there will be no sex on the trip since she is so uncomfortable while pregnant. They run into an immediate obstacle when New Christine realizes she forgot her wallet and ID back at the house, and the TSA Agent (Lou DiMaggio) won’t let Christine simply vouch for her. New Christine also gets mad at Richard when he doesn’t know her middle name is Liesl. Christine calls Barb to come and bring the ID to the airport. Christine thinks she has started her period, but it winds up being her spray tan running down her leg. Since they are so late boarding the plane, Richard finds out that the flight is overbooked, and since they were the last to check in, one person has to get bumped. Christine wants it to be New Christine, while all of the guys volunteer to stay behind. Richard says he won’t go if New Christine doesn’t go, but she insists that he go. She gets a flight voucher and a TGI Friday’s gift card from an agent (Peggy Blow), which makes Christine jealous. Christine calls Barb to come get New Christine and interrupts her while she has a massage therapist (Travis Willingham). Once they realize that Shaniff airlines has such a convoluted route to get to Orlando, and what’s worse, it is a dry airline, they all decide to just go home. Back at Christine’s, New Christine laments never being considered part of the family, but Barb tells her she should be thankful that she is off the hook by being on the outside. Barb won’t answer the phone when Christine calls her to pick them all up, so Christine and the gang have to use a taxi to get home. Christine is now mouthy, and Barb decides to take Christine and Ritchie over the Mexican border so that he can get a new pin. Al Coronel is the border guard. 9/2/23
• 085. Revenge Makeover – 4/14/2010
  • Barb’s citizenship papers come in, which means that after she passes a brief quiz, she will become a citizen and Richard can then divorce her. Richard think that this will then enable him to marry New Christine and get her out of her foul mood. Even though it will take a couple of months before the divorce with Barb is finalized, Richard wants to have the wedding right away and then make it official later. Christine wants to take the opportunity to show Christine’s father Papa Jeff how good she looks and how she is now dating a doctor. She hopes he will fall for her, so that she can then dump him the way he did to her. Christine heads to a beauty shop for an appointment and takes New Christine along so that she will be ready for the surprise wedding. Even though they are late for the appointment, New Christine’s fiery anger scares the receptionist (Christina J. Chang) into getting her into the appointment. Both Christines ‘ding’ while under the hair dryers, but only one attendant comes and retrieves New Christine. When Marcie (Alexandra Ella) and gets Old Christine, she finds that it has turned her hair pink. Marly and Lindsay show up at the parlor and help Christine with her hair. They wind up fixing her hair to be blonde, even though it still smells like chicken. Matthew agrees to help with the decorations, but since it is all last minute, all they come up with is bagels. Papa Jeff shows up and catches Matthew teaching Richard to waltz. He is not happy when he hears about the wedding plans, but Richard tells him that he and New Christine are both adults and can do what they want. They wind up fighting on the floor when Christine gets back to the house. Christine tells her father that he has no right to control her life, but also tells Richard that he has to ask if they want to get married before they would ever have one.   As Immigration Officer Dutton (Joel McKinnon Miller) tries to give Barb her immigration questions, Barb fails miserably to recall any of the answers. Although Christine initially feels ridiculous with her hair, she decides that everyone likes a blonde. It turns out he really does, and he falls all over himself trying to seduce her. She then takes pleasure in rebuffing him, but he doesn’t seem to care much, having only hoped that they could go out to his car and fool around since he has a date later. Even though he is apathetic, she tries to console him as if he had been hurt. Barb doesn’t pass her test even after three attempts, but Officer Dutton gives her citizenship anyway, mostly because she too has donned a blonde wig. 12/23/23
• 086. I Love What You Do for Me – 4/21/2010
  • When Christine takes her Prius in for a tune-up, she finds out from the salesman Frank (Matt Witzke) that her lease is up. She had bought the car to symbolize big changes in her life right after her divorce with Richard was finalized. Now she cannot believe that five years have passed since it seems nothing has changed for her at all. Meanwhile, she is getting quite comfortable with her relationship with Max and is feeling happy with the direction they’re heading. Richard tells Matthew that he is going to find another roommate, as he plans to move in with Christine since they are having a baby. Christine offers for Mattew to move back in with her, but he ignores the invitation. Richard begins interviewing potential roommates but doesn’t like any of them. He finally meets with a guy named Ken (Leo Marks) who is a swimsuit model photographer, cooks a lot, is a neat freak, and will be on the road for a good portion of every month. As much as Matthew likes him, Richard thinks he is the wrong persona and tries to drive him off. Christine starts to question where her relationship with Max is headed since they seem to have fallen into an exact pattern every week. Christine asks that they shake things up and have some forward motion, so Max immediately proposes marriage to her. She turns him down immediately and tells him to sit down. Max says he had been thinking about it anyway and assumed that she might be ready for it. Richard admits that he wants Matthew to be less happy than he is, and that he has considered his time with Matthew in the bro-partment was a highlight of his life and he knows he won’t have that anymore. Mattew humors him by telling him that he has also had the time of his life in the bro-partment. Ken has overheard everything they said and decides not to take the apartment since they belong together. Christine to turns in the Prius, but Max still feels embarrassed and rejected. He accuses her of being all talk, since she doesn’t want to get married or breakup, but still complains about not moving forward. She returns to the car dealership and works with Ken to buy a new car but picks out her old car after they wash it. When Ken tells her that she is more like “Regarding Henry” than “Indiana Jones”, she makes the decision to get a new red Prius…and to accept Max’s proposal. However, when she returns to tell Max, he says the offer is no longer on the table. She then gets down on one knee to ask him to marry her, but he still refuses, telling her that he doesn’t want her to ask him. Therefore, Max gets on his knee and proposes to Christine, who is still stuck on her knee. She rejects him again, but then tells him she is kidding and will marry him. They decide not to tell people or to change anything in their relationship. Matthew next interviews an attractive girl named Heidi (Julia Lehman), a massage therapy student, to be his roommate. Richard has trouble dealing with this as well, so Matthew puts him into the hallway. 12/23/23
• 087. Scream – 5/5/2010
  • Police Officer Johnson (Josh Randall) stops by to talk to Christine about there being a series of robberies and car thefts in the area. It is meant as a simple warning to be on the lookout, but Christine thinks he is a stripper gift for her birthday the next day. Once she realizes that it is on the level, she suddenly becomes petrified of being alone at the house. She tries to get Barb to either stay over or let her come to her house, but Barb is repulsed by the odor Christine creates on the couch. Richard and New Christine stop by the house to get Richard’s camera, as they are on the way to the hospital for New Christine to have her baby. Although New Christine knows the sex of the baby, Richard doesn’t want to know, but hopes it will be a boy who he can name Frank Sinatra. Christine then heads over to Matthew’s place to see if he will come stay with her. His new roommate Heidi gets stressed out by Christine’s presence at the apartment. Christine finally guilts Matthew to come over, but he tries to maintain his new healthy outlook on his health and diet. However, he quickly devolves into eating melted cheese and drinking wine, and then falling asleep on the couch with Christine. At the hospital, Dr. Volk tells New Christine that she is having false labor and that she should go home. She wants to have the baby that day so that the baby isn’t born on Old Christine’s birthday. She makes Richard have sex with her to hurry up the labor, but when it passes midnight, she insists on waiting another day. Dr. Volk is amazed when he finds that New Christine’s cervix is closing up and the contractions start coming further apart. Matthew is disgusted by himself, so he leaves Christine’s and goes home, leaving Christine feeling dejected. When Matthew gets home, Heidi tells him how upset she was about Christine, so she makes the rule that no family is allowed in the apartment. She threatens to tell the landlord that Matthew is subletting the apartment that will get him kicked out… especially since she is sleeping with the landlord. Matthew returns to Christine’s and manages to set off the new alarm. Officer Johnson brings him to the door, and Matthew asks if he can stay with her for a while. Christine plays hard-to-get, but ultimately lets him stay. New Christine gives birth to their baby daughter Dakota Christine Hunter Campbell just after midnight. Christine tells everyone that the baby was born on her birthday, since her actual birthday is the day after she celebrates it so that she will have a different birthday than her mother. 5/1/24
• 088. Get Smarter – 5/12/2010
  • Max figures out how to win over Christine’s friends by bringing a mindless movie like Meatballs and Meatballs 2 for movie night. Meanwhile, Richard laments the fact that New Christine won’t let him hold their baby Dakota. Christine decides that she wants Barb to throw her a ‘surprise’ engagement party so that she can meets some of Max’s friends. In order to accomplish this, Christine talks Matthew into stealing Max’s phone so that he can get the contacts out of it. The plan seems to work, and Christine’s house fill with guests that are apparently Max’s friends. However, Christine finally gets him there after dinner, and Max notes that many of the guests are nothing more than acquaintances like his Chinese food delivery guy and his locksmith. Richard shows up with the baby, but when he insists that no one look at her, it is clear that the baby is a fake. They have also invited Richard’s best friend Tony Kershaw (Beth Littleford), who also happens to be his ex-wife. Max admits that he hasn’t introduced her to Christine yet, as she is intimidating because she is a published author, trilingual, and got her first PhD when she was nineteen. When Christine tries to insert herself into one of their conversations, she walks away feeling like a fool. Barb encourages her to talk about something that she knows, so she tries to bring up the TV show Survivor with them. Tony then tells Christine that she doesn’t have a TV. Christine then feels even dumber and gives Max a hard time about being friends with her. Max says they were only in love with each other’s brains and that there was never any chemistry between them. Christine apologizes, but it hurts her feeling when Max says he couldn’t care less if she were smart. Everyone figures out that Richard is carrying a fake baby, especially when he goes to leave without its head. Richard then shows Barb and Matthew how he can take care of a baby by wrapping them both in blankets, causing them to fall asleep… or possibly pass out. The next day, Christine goes to see Max and tells him that she can’t be with him if they are not intellectual equals. Max tells her that he is in love with her, and it doesn’t matter if he is smarter than her. Christine tells him that she has decided that she is going to go back to college. She later tells her friends that she intends to study Engineering because she finds train travel romantic. Drew Wicks is the male party guest. 5/2/24

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