The Terrible Catsafterme

SEASON 1 – COMEDY CENTRAL

Lead-in narrated by Sarah Silverman

• 001. Officer Jay – 2/1/2007
  • Unemployed Sarah Silverman (herself) lives with her younger sister Laura (herself), a registered nurse, whose parents died when they were young in Valley Village, California. They are neighbors with gay couple Brian Spukowski (Brian Posehn) and Steve Myron (Steve Agee). Sarah has a cold and drinks enough cough syrup to send her into animated hallucinations and then drive onto a playground. She is arrested, but when Laura shows up and has chemistry with the cop, Officer Jay McPherson (Jay Johnston), he lets her off and gets a date with Laura. Sarah is depressed that she has to watch the TV show Cookie Party by herself and drinks more cough medicine, then tracks down Jay and Laura on a date and drives her car onto a neighbor’s yard and then busts into a TV station as they are filming a weather broadcast. She winds up in jail again, but Jay and Laura come to her rescue. Meanwhile, Brian argues that he is bi-sexual, but eventually comes to admit that he is just plain gay. Sarah sings the Doody Song. 8/16/14

• 002. Humanitarian of the Year – 2/8/14
  • Jealous by the amount of attention that Jay is getting by winning a Humanitarian of the Year award for helping blind children, Sarah takes in a homeless former classmate named Fred Blorth (Zach Gilifianakis). She gets invited to appear on the a daytime talk show hosted by Scarlett Lacey (Missi Pyle), but offends Fred by revealing the reason that everyone made fun of his mother on TV. Sarah had been getting haunted by a female ghost (Jill Talley) with a warning, but couldn’t get it out before she was interrupted by Sarah. It turns out that the ghost was Fred’s mother who was trying to warn her that Fred had murdered her because she embarrassed him. Meanwhile, despite knowing karate, Brian repeatedly fails to protect Steve from people who punching him in the face, but is able to redeem himself and save both Sarah and Steve from the wrath of Fred when he attacks them with a knife. Sarah sings the Humanitarian Song. 8/16/14
• 003. Positively Negative – 2/15/2007
  • Feeling bored and depressed, Sarah decides to get an HIV test in order to hear some ‘good news’, but while filling out the survey, the nurse (Joanna Sanchez) tells her that it is almost as if she was trying to get AIDS. Although she hasn’t gotten the results of the blood test, she tells her sister and friends that she has AIDS, interrupting the plans for Officer Jay’s first birthday party. Sarah heads off and empties Laura’s bank account in order to start an AIDS Awareness Foundation, although she is more interested in self-promotion and selling t-shirts. At a rally she tells the crowd that she has to go get her blood test results, they all turn on her. Officer Jay’s party is emptied as the police run to the mob scene. Jay is upset that Sarah is constantly stealing the thunder of his birthday. Fred Stoller is a cop, Jimmy Kimmel is Joan the Dispatcher, and Rachael Harris is the school teacher. Ron Lynch is Dr. Lynch. Jane Yamamoto is the reporter. Sarah sings the AIDS Ballad.  9/10/14
• 004. Not Without My Daughter – 2/22/2007
  • Sarah auditions for the Little Miss Rainbow Pageant, and when she is denied, she instead poses as the mother of a little girl named Sarah (Laura Marano) auditioning who doesn’t have a legal guardian present. She takes her in as a surrogate daughter that she re-names Heather and pushes her hard to get her prepped for the pageant. Her final pep talk when Heather is about to give up was how she pressed through with having an abortion – in which she actually delivered a live child and abandoned it at the hospital. Heather wins the contest, but Sarah takes the stage and dons the crown. Sarah wants to keep her, but Heather sees bigger opportunities. Meanwhile, Steve’s phone call to Brian becomes a target of a terrorist surveillance program, when he mentions releasing a ‘bomb’ in Officer Jay’s car – while referring to passing gas. They are arrested and injected with truth serum and taken to the site of the car, where once it is released, everyone realizes it is not a literal bomb. Jonathan Kimmel is the pageant host. Todd Bishop and Scott Aukerman are the NSA agents. Sarah sings the Poop Song. Jon Schroeder is neighbor Jim Jenkins. 9/10/14
• 005. Muffin’ Man – 3/1/2007
  • When Sarah meets Officer Jay’s new partner Tig (Tig Notaro), who is a lesbian, she begins to question her own sexuality while reflecting on her bad experiences with men. She can’t get Tig out of her mind, and visits her at her station to tell her of her feelings. Tig thinks that her feelings are just at an experimentation level, but comes out to see Sarah perform at open mic night. But when Sarah sees Tig with her lesbian friend Joyce (Melinda Hill), she blows her top with jealousy. Meanwhile, Brian and Steve are trying to out-do each other with their love of the soft drink Tab, after Steve forces Brian to try some. Brian sarcastically admits that Tab is the greatest thing that’s come into his life, and in anger, Steve vows to support Brian in his love of Tab, up to and including moving to Chatanooga to work at the Tab plant. While Sarah laments the loss of Tig, she remarks how nice it is that Steve and Brian support each other, which leads them to apologize and make up. Tig shows up at Sarah’s and tells her that she was inspired by Sarah’s honesty and tries to kiss her. But like she had done earlier with the cable repairman (Jon Hamm), she is disgusted by the prospect of kissing. Tig storms out…and Sarah is left wondering about her relationship future. Sarah sings the Lesbian Song. Eddie Pepitone playes Eddie Pepitone. 10/9/14
• 006. Batteries – 3/8/2007
  • Sarah’s channel is stuck on a children’s cancer commercial and she can’t change it since the batteries in her remote control died. She blows off her friend Natalie (Candace Brown) who wants her to help her move, and then heads out for batteries, maneuvering around a wheelchair race along the way. When she gets to the store she realizes she has no money, so she joins Laura, Natalie, Steve, and Brian for lunch and gets the money from Laura. While there, she tries to fart as a joke and ends up pooping her pants. After singing That’s What I Wish, Black God (Tucker Smallwood) is impressed enough to grant her one wish and she chooses to re-do the fart. At the convenience store She doesn’t have enough money and ends up stealing the batteries after knocking over a sunglasses rack. She is pursued by Officer Jay and his partner (Paul F. Tomkins), and asks Black God for one more favor…so he turns the officers into boxes of Bugles snacks. She then sleeps with Black God, but blows him off the next day, and also blows off helping Natalie again. Black God first pranks her and pretends to be her late father Max (Mark Cohen), then makes one of the leukemia victims show up at her house and kick her in the crotch. Larry Hankin is homeless veteran Mr. Johnson. Masi Oka is the convenience store clerk. Even Brenner is Mrs. Ramstack. Paul F. Tompkins is police officer Paul. NOTE: This episode is the pilot for the show. 10/10/14

SEASON 2

• 007. Bored of the Rings – 10/3/2007
  • Tired of being woken up by the bells, Sarah marches to the church during their service and complains. She ends up getting recruited by Carol (Carrie Aizley) and Margaret (Kate Freund), two activists who want Sarah to join their group project, Operation: Baby Rescue. Sarah opposes the killing of babies, but it is not until she recognizes the abortion clinic that she has used three times does she realize that they are opposing abortion. Sarah feels she cannot give up abortions so she leaves the group. Meanwhile Brian plays Dungeons & Dragons with his friends when he had planned a day date with Steve, who tries to interrupt the game by playing electric guitar. Steve finally makes up with them, and they are all called on to assist Sarah when she realizes that her group is going to bomb the clinic where her sister works. They manage to rescue her and save the clinic, but Steve is shot with an arrow in the butt, which Sarah extracts with a vacuum. Justin Roiland is Blonde Craig. Johnnie Walker is Generator. Eric Marseglia is Eric. 11/9/14
• 008. Joan of Arf – 10/10/2007
  • When Sarah notices her dog Doug continually licking his own butt, she is curious and tries it herself, only to be witnessed by a mail-woman (Ellerine Harding). She ends up getting arrested and the dog is taken to the pound where it can be protected from sexual abuse. She is given limited visitation with the dog, and inspired by Homeless Mike (Mike Ivy) getting off crack and getting a job, she tries out therapy…but they scoff at her. She ends up going to court, where Judge Gu (Amy Hill) dismisses the charges after her curiosity about why Doug is licking his butt gets the better of her as well. Meanwhile, Brian and Steve fight while playing the game of LIFE with Laura and Officer Jay, when Brian gets married and refuses to take a man figure for his wife. Jeff Bryan Davis is the D.A. Gary Greenberg is Sarah’s lawyer Gary Greenberg. Scott Chernoff plays himself. Lindsey Stoddart is Peggy the waitress. 11/9/14
• 009. Face Wars – 10/17/2007
  • Sarah is refused admission by a worker named Denise (Susan Yeagley) to play tennis at a country club that she doesn’t belong to, and she assumes that it is because she is Jewish. She laments this to her friends and is overheard by a black waiter named Eugene (Alex Desert), who assures her that blacks face much worse discrimination. To test this, Sarah has a friend painter her in minstrel-style blackface. She is derided by people who think she is being racist, but she interprets it as people being racist toward her. After be ejected from a Baptist church, she is arrested for putting a traffic ticket that she received onto a police car. A woman (Karri Tapper) tapes her arrest, which makes the news and rouses political activism outside the courthouse. As she speaks, she is accidentally shot by Jay while he is demonstrating the safety of a gun to Paul. While in the hospital, she is visited by Denise who offers to let her play tennis anytime, noting that being Jewish is preferable to being black. Meanwhile, when Officer Jay arrests Brian and Steve’s marijuana dealer, they turn to medical marijuana, and not realizing how strong Indica is, they smoke too much. Brian forgets how to drive and tries to start the car with a quarter. As they roam the streets, they feel ambushed by the protesters at the rally and run back to their apartment, where they decide they should only smoke Indica at home. Henriette Mantel appears as a woman on the street who confronts Sarah. 12/17/14
• 010. Doody – 10/24/2007
  • Sarah and Laura are inspired by watching Cookie Party! hosted by Mini Coffee (Ron Schrab) to visit their mother Tabitha’s (Meredith Roberts) grave – but when they get there they find the police investigating the theft of her tombstone and defiling of her skeleton. Using Sarah’s impression of Mayor Wittels (Tom Virtue) to get them a spot on Cookie Party!, they go on the show competing against the obnoxious Mustangs: Jo-Jo (Kurt Scholler) and Stencil (Chris Romano). The show ends in a tie, but Laura walks off when Sarah dedicates their work to ‘doody’ instead of their mother. When Sarah finds out that it was Stencil who stole the headstone and parts of the corpse, she goes back on the show alone for the tie-breaker. Laura remembers that her mother on her death bed told her to look after Sarah, who still at the age of ten had an unhealthy obsession with doody. Laura joins Sarah on the show, but they still lose. Tabitha appears and visits Sarah, reminding her that Laura is very wise, and that she should listen to her. She also makes a doody joke. Meanwhile, when Steve remarks that Brian has no interest in politics, Brian goes out of his way to ask the mayor some political questions that make no sense. He is branded a ‘village idiot’ on TV. He eventually admits he had no interest in politics and he and Steve make up. Sarah performs the song White Dog Poop from the 70’s. 12/20/14 
• 011. Ah, Men – 10/31/2007
  • Sarah sees God save someone and they start talking again and wind up dating. Meanwhile Sarah’s class reunion is coming up and she is irritated to find out that her old rival Sally Wheeler (Lucy Punch) is bringing Office Space actor Greg Pitts (himself) – aka the “Oh Face Guy.” God is waiting for Sarah in her apartment with a roomful of Bugles snacks when she gets home and she gets a little creeped out. She takes Doug for a walk and decides to forgive him and bring him to her reunion, mostly to one-up Sally. God waits with Brian and Steve and gets stoned and ends up accidentally killing their neighbor Mr. Jenkins with a spiraling remote control. At the reunion God starts to get very possessive and jealous of Sarah, which turns her off. God gets drunk and walks out on her, falling down a very long flight of stairs…which winds up on YouTube. After thinking back to how they met, Brian and Steve are afraid that only their pot-smoking is making them gay, so they give it up for four hours and realize they are still into each other. Jeffrey Ross appears at the reunion. 1/31/15
• 012. Maid to Border – 11/7/2007
  • Sarah is very pleased with her maid Dora (Tonita Castro) and defends her to some women at her club who are talking negatively about illegal immigrants. But when her “Shoplift Shelly” figurine disappears, Sarah blames Dora and fires her. Later the figurine comes out in Doug’s poop, so she has Dora deported because she assumes that Dora shoved it up Doug’s butt. Meanwhile Laura finds a video tape of Jay doing a performance as a young Irish girl. He explains that he’s always wanted to do gentle comedy impressions. Laura arranges an audience for him to put on a show, but he bombs. Steve finds out that Brian hasn’t really been listening to heavy metal for the past five years, but Two Princes by the Spin Doctors over and over again. Brian explains that he did it for Steve because the thrash metal would have given him anger issues. Sarah is visited by a Mr. Wadsworth (Bob Odenkirk) from a cleaning service who sees what a disaster he apartment is and advises her to get Dora back. Laura and Jay take Sarah to Mexico, but she finds that Dora has become the mayor of her city. However when Dora sees her paycheck for her current job, she returns with Sarah. Jay finds an audience for his comedy with the crowd at a puppet show. 1/31/15
• 013. High, It’s Sarah – 10/8/2008
  • Since Steve is trying to lower his tolerance to marijuana, Brian asks Sarah to smoke it with him. Sarah thinks she has good ideas when she is high, and then telephones them to herself to listen to when she is sober. The first act is to tell Eddie  Pepitone, the cook at Rumanski’s, how much he means to her, then to vandalize the Valley Village sign. Meanwhile Jay has a wet dream about newscaster Scarlett Lacey (Missi Pyle), who is coming to the station to do a story about the missing pets in Valley Village. He admits it to her, causing Laura to storm off and spend the day with Steve. The next time they are high, Sarah notices that Nifty Chips, diarrhea medicine, and toilet paper are all made by Schaarcorp and deduces that it is a conspiracy since it cause a vicious circle or product dependency. They go to Schaarcorp and confront the president (Garry Marshall), accidentally knocking him out, and then kidnapping him. Jay nervously tells Scarlett that he’s not attracted to her, but then Tig advises him to explains himself, which he does… on the air. But his declaration of love for Laura on the air appeases her. The police are able to rescue the Schaarcorp president, but then arrest him when they find out that the company is stealing the Valley Village pets, and credit Brian and Sarah with a citizen’s arrest. Sarah deduces it is because they also sell photocopiers and telephone poles. 3/18/15
• 014. The Mongolian Beef – 10/9/2008
  • When a Chinese man thinks that Laura is Asian, it stirs up memories of Laura and Sarah’s father telling them about how the Mongolians raped their Russian ancestors. Later Sarah’s Chinese landlords Mr. and Mrs. Xiongnu raise her rent. This causes Sarah to put up a billboard featuring Laura’s picture and the phrase “Product of Mongolian Rapist!”. Sarah is then sued by the Mongolian Board of Tourism led by Mr. Borjijn (Ping Wu), and then she counter-sues for rape. Meanwhile Brian finds that Steve is creating his own short videos of his character “Steve Racer” to post on YouTube. Steve makes a video presentation about Mongolian rape for the courtroom and is engaged by the Mongolians to help with their tourism videos. The Mongolians put up a poster of Sarah that reads “I Am Similar to Bowel Movement.” She goes to confront the Mongolians during their party. Sarah ends up joining the party along with Brian and Steve, and after partying all night, no one shows up to the courtroom. When they do, they both end up dropping the charges. Wade Randloph appears as the cabbie. 3/18/15
• 015. Making New Friends – 10/16/2008
  • Sarah thinks she’s psychic until she is convinced that her friends are just boring and predictable. She calls a meeting and announces that she is going to make new friends, randomly choosing a black balloon saleslady named Karen (Karen McClain), a teenage boy named Armen (Armen Weitzman), an old man at a nursing home named Murray (Murray Gershenz) and a cat named Mark the Chinese Lawyer. Soon Sarah gets tired of Karen’s over-use of the word “over-share” and kicks her out of the group. The others soon follow and Sarah returns to her old friends who aren’t so eager to take her back. Meanwhile Steve is ridiculed by Brian for his large breasts, but denies having them until they are caught in a window and have to be surgically removed. Sarah shows up with a pony and concert tickets as her friends bury his Steve’s breast fat. The decide she is sincere and take her back as a friend. The pony eats the breast fat. Todd Barry is Nathan. Song: Making New Friends. 6/9/15
• 016. Patriot Tact – 10/23/2008
  • Sarah sees a bearded man she assumes is Osama Bin Laden and runs him over with her car. She later finds out that he is really a dish washer named Alex Gilbert (Erick Avari), but everyone including Alex is surprisingly understanding. When she does it again to a bearded man named Taylor Magenheim (Fred Armisen), everyone is less understanding. After a third attempt to chase a man (Jo Lo Truglio) on her bike, Laura tells her not to try and kill anyone, even if she is totally sure it is Bin Laden. Sarah has Steve, Brian, and Blonde Craig assist with putting on a show at Romanski’s coffee shop of a plane flying into the World Trade Center, but the show is booed off the stage. When she leaves, she runs into a dead ringer for Osama Bin Laden (Ron Griffith) but lets him go, only to later find out that a tennis player (Matt Walsh) has turned him in and he was in fact the real Bin Laden. Meanwhile Laura gets up the strength her out-of-control pubic hair that reminds her of her late mother Rose (Marin Hinkle). Steve gets a massage at Riam Rynch and when asked if he wants a “full release,” defecates all over the table. Kent Shocknek is the news anchor. 6/10/15
• 017. Pee – 10/30/2008
  • While having a dream to the song Believe in Dreams, Sarah thinks she is a mermaid underwater and wets her bed. Jay and Laura come over believing that Sarah is having an emergency. When Sarah does it a second time, Laura convinces Jay to let Sarah watch his beloved pet turtle Toot. Sarah meanwhile has taken advice from a girl named Stella (Sydney Park) at the store and stocked up on junk food (as they sing Dry Sheets, Ice Cream and Jellybeans) that is supposed to help curb the bedwetting. Hopped up on sugar, she thinks that Toot (Rob Schrab) is talking to her and she takes one of Jay’s guns and blows its brains out. Meanwhile Steve tries to convince Brian to get his long scraggly beard cut for their Christmas photos, but Brian refuses. He ends up tripping on the mall escalator and getting his beard stuck in the gears. Some of the maintenance men led by Carl (Adam Carolla) try hard to get him out without cutting the beard, but when a little girl pees her pants and it trickles toward him, Brian rips the beard out by the roots. 8/3/15
• 018. There’s No Place Like Homeless – 11/6/2008
  • Sarah steps on the hand of a homeless man and rants about how much she dislikes them. Jay reminds Sarah that she is one step away from being homeless, and when she does in fact lose her keys after throwing them, she becomes homeless. She hangs out with Homeless Mike and they sing Big Rock Candy Mountain. Eventually Mike’s parents (Nick Latour, Phyllis Applegate) find Mike and rescue him. Sarah finds her keys lodged into the back of Mike’s head and returns to her apartment. Meanwhile Brian gets a 666 tattooed onto his back and professes Satan as his lord. Mike declares himself a non-believer, but on an apple picking trip with Jay and Laura, he is struck by lightning, hit with a rake and a golf ball, and attacked by a rabid dog, all in the crotch. Brian later realizes that he’s not really a Satanist, he just likes Black Sabbath. Jonathan Kimmel is Homeless Blind Willy Joe. Kareem Abdul-Jabar Jr. appears as a basketball guy. Jay sings the Apple Pickin’ Song. 8/3/15
• 019. Fetus Don’t Fail Me Now – 11/13/2008
  • Sarah is nine months pregnant but hasn’t realized it yet, so her sister and friends confront her. She decides to have the baby and use Dora as its nanny, but Dora winds up in traction after injuring herself doing a Matt Foley impersonation at the baby shower. Sarah then decides to give the baby up for adoption, and even though Laura and Jay are willing to adopt it, she puts them through the same rigorous application process that she puts other couples through. Sarah then starts to think she may want to keep the baby, so she has everyone compete in a go-kart race to decide. When her water breaks on the track, it forces everyone to lose to Sarah. Dr. Eddie Hackmeyer (Dick Van Patten) delivers the baby, which turns out to be a demonic flying monster that melts the doctor and then flies off. Meanwhile Steve throws his back out while going to the bathroom, and Brian throws his back out trying to help Steve. They wind up trapped in their apartment, crawling across the room for leftover pizza, but eventually are rescued and placed in traction alongside Dora. Jill Tally is Patty Jenkins. Matt Besser is Jim Stevens. Kurt Scholler is Jo-Jo. Andy Richter appears as one of the applicants. 11/8/15
• 020. I Thought My Dad Was Dead, But It Turns Out He’s Not – 11/20/2008
  • Sarah spots her father Max (Mark Cohen), whom she had been told all of her life was dead, in line for a Larry Bird book signing. She confronts him, and he finally admits that he had left the family to follow the Boston Celtics on tour. She brings Max and Laura on The Scarlett Lacy (Missi Pyle) Show to break the news to Laura that Max is alive. They perform the Lisa Loeb (herself) song Stay on the air, and wind up going on tour together as the Loeb Trotters. Sarah ends up firing her father and replacing him with younger man Trevor Kaufmann (Michael Blaiklock), but the audience demands that Max returns. It is too late, as he joins the Les Mis tour in Canada and is killed in a bus accident. Sarah returns to The Scarlett Lacy Show to break the news to Laura again. Meanwhile Brian purchases the DVD set for the show Dr. Lazer Rage (Christopher Eccleston) although they can’t afford it, and tries to prove that he will get his money’s worth by doing nothing but watching the show. Steve goes on tour with Sarah, but he and Brian end up missing each other so much, that Brian finally decides to stop watching TV and surprising Steve with a visit. Tim Heidecker is grief counselor Frances. Todd Glass is Robert Woodliff. Kristen Stewart appears as an announcer. 11/8/15
• 021. Kangamangus – 12/4/2008
  • A famous man named Johnny Forrealz (Stephen Root), inventor of the word ‘booyah’, visits Romanski’s and inspires Sarah to invent her own word. After much debate, she comes up with ozay, meaning an expression of disgust. Meanwhile Brian criticizes Steve for being unclean and never looking in the mirror, and when he notices a dot on Steve’s nose, he coins the phrase dotnose. The popularity of dotnose quickly surpasses ozay, and Sarah takes offense at this… especially when Brian gets a visit from editor Sir Corin Ashley (Matt Berry) who plans to induct the word into the Oxford Dictionary. Jay is disgusted by slang words, and takes Sarah to see a prisoner named Tookie (Amad Jackson), who had been shot for using the word ozay in response to being called a dotnose. He mentioned that his friend Tricky D (Isaac C. Singleton Jr.) is going to put the kangamangus on Brian for inventing the word. It is not until later that Sarah learns the meaning of the word kangamangus – to shoot someone in the head and hang them through the hole. Sarah, Laura, and Jay rush to the induction ceremony and apprehend the would-be assassin, just after Steve realizes by seeing his reflection in the induction award that he does in fact have a dot on his nose. Sarah announces to the crowd that she is going to introduce Jay’s new made-up positive word: twirly. Song: That’s Been Done. 1/4/16
• 022. Vow Wow – 12/11/2008
  • Tig assists Jay in pulling off a surprise on Laura when during a romantic evening, she breaks in pretending to be a robber who then pulls out an engagement ring. Laura accepts his marriage proposal, and every one is happy except for Sarah, who mockingly announces at Jay and Laura’s engagement party that she is going to marry her dog Doug. Meanwhile Brian and Steve have developed a fondness for farting into various objects around their house. When Sarah smells the oven on and then falls asleep with her head in it, Doug fetches Steve to help save her life. This leads Sarah to declare her intention to marry Doug for real. Plans are nearly thwarted when Brian and Steve have Doug enter their bathroom that Brian has filled with farts and it causes a reaction that sends Doug into a coma-like state caused by ingesting decaying organic matter. Sarah’s friends insist that she not call off the wedding, and sure enough Doug comes around on the morning of the wedding. Sarah delivers her vows, but when it is Doug’s turn, he takes off after a skateboarder. Tig watches him to see if he will return, but he is too distracted by eating his own feces and vomit. Although Sarah doesn’t marry Doug, she still offers her congratulations by bringing in a gospel choir to perform Oh Happy Day with Laura. Sarah sings Will We Eat Each Other’s Doodies with the same gospel choir. Natasha Leggero is Dr. Leggero, the veterinarian. Rich Fulcher is Reverend Fulcher. 1/5/16

SEASON 3

• 023. The Proof Is in the Penis – 2/4/2010
  • Laura vomits a key that leads her to the bus terminal locker, where she finds a mysterious note telling her to go alone to the park. Sarah shows up there to ask her for money to buy a tie rack. Irritated, Laura lectures her on the differences between ‘wants’ and ‘needs’ and tells her that she will no longer fund Sarah’s ‘wants’, encouraging her to get a job. The next day Sarah shows up at Romanski’s with a mustache. Laura tells Sarah that she was actually born with both a penis and a vagina, and has even kept the tiny severed vagina for her. In light of this Sarah embraces her ‘manhood’ and takes to outdoor living. Meanwhile Steve and Brian receive a package from the morgue that includes the remote control that killed their neighbor Mr. Jenkins. A zombie version of Jenkins begins haunting them. They are told by cook Eddie Pepitone in a rhyme that they must thrust the remote control back into the corpse of Jenkins, but after digging him up in the cemetery they are too scared to do it and end up fleeing. They turn to the manly Sarah for help, but in the midst of their conversation, Sarah throws up a key which leads her back to the same bus station and park… and ultimately a meeting with Laura. There she confesses to Sarah that she made up the story about her being a man to get her to ‘man up’ and get a job. Regardless of this knowledge and in light of the song she and Laura sing Baby Penis in My Mind, Laura visits the cemetery and thrusts the remote into Mr. Jenkins heart, which stops Zombie Jenkins as he is ready to kill Steve and Brian. Sarah also discards the baby penis into Jenkins’ mouth. 3/11/16
• 024. The Silverman and the Pillows – 2/11/2010
  • A book reading is taking place at Romanski’s with children’s book author and host of TV’s Story Time Patrick Pillows (Bill Wiley). Sarah enters gleefully singing Pancakes Please, but is disappointed that the reading is preventing her from getting her breakfast. Sarah storms down to the Kid Time network office to complain, but ends up hired by studio executive Lauren Corrao (Mia Barron) to take over Story Time as Sarah St. Claire, despite the skepticism of her assistant Arthur (BJ Porter). Laura also joins the show, and Brian and Steve, whose cable has recently gone out, join the show as bears. The first episode which includes the song Free to Be Me & Me, and features Homeless Mike filling in when Sarah has to go to the bathroom, invokes the ire of Jay and other parents, who go on Real Talk with Bill Maher (himself) to voice their complaints. After the Real Talk show Sarah is hit in the throat with a Frisbee and becomes obsessed with talking about necks on her show, reading the story Why Don’t Necks Have Bone Going All Around Them, singing Necks, Necks, Necks, and advising all children to wear wooden mittens to protect their neck. Brian and Steve abandon the show when their cable comes back on. Jay and his advocate group F.L.U.R.G.E. (Families for Literature Understand that Reading Is Great Entertainment) decide to disband, but while Jay is making fun of Sarah and her wooden mittens, the cheeseboard he holds in front of his neck actually saves his life when fellow F.L.U.R.G.E. member Suzette Williams (Becky Thyre) accidentally flings a knife at his throat. Sarah is fired and Patrick Pillows returns, but Jay and the F.L.U.R.G.E. members apologize to Sarah and serenade her with the song Wooden Mittens. Michael McCafferty is F.L.U.R.G.E. member Xavier Peretti. 3/11/16
• 025. A Slip Slope – 2/18/2010
  • Sarah can’t stand her new neighbor Slip Yeagley (David Juskow) because of his constant joking and playing jokes on her, so she tries to play one on him and ends up beheading him with a can of paint. Sarah blames the movie Home Alone for giving her the idea, and goes to court to sue the movie. Even though during the testimony Sarah accidentally decapitates the stenographer Judith, televised Judge Willie Joe Blackwell (Robert Gossett) finds in favor of Sarah. Additionally, Matt Markus (Jonathan Mangum) from the Mayor’s office offers Sarah a job as Valley Village’s Entertainment Censorship Commissioner. Sarah turns down most requests from anyone wanting to be on TV, even if the show is simply about horses or gardening. Sarah decides that she will just do it herself and so she becomes the only person on TV in shows such as I Make Your Jingles and the V-Files gossip show. When Laura criticizes her, she gives Laura her own show Laura Dances in Bikini!, which ends up injuring an old man named Carl (Gene LeBell) when he tries to emulate the dancing. Carl’s wife (Jane Shepherd) sues Sarah, who also presides over the case when she takes over the courtroom of Judge Blackwell. Sarah finds in favor of herself and determines that adults can be responsible for their own actions regardless of what is on TV. Meanwhile Brian battles it out with pigeons who keep pooping on him, but taking laxatives and setting out to return the favor on them. He ends up getting stuck in a tree, pooped on further, and the rescued by the fire department, before he finally enacts his revenge. Jay is inconsolable about Slip’s death, so Laura brings in Grief Counselor Francis. It is only when Laura tells Jay that Slip had terminal cancer anyway that he finally feels better. Paul Scheer is a producer. Ben Schwartz is a writer. Donald Silverman is an old man. 6/15/16
• 026. Nightmayor – 2/25/2010
  • Sarah is arrested for defacing a poster of Mayoral candidate Toby Grossnickel (Bradley Whitford), whose name she hates. Steve is excited when it looks like Grossnickel is a shoe-in when his opponent is arrested because it means that gay marriage will legalized. However Brian doesn’t want to go through with the marriage. Sarah and Brian set up a fake candidate named May Kadoody by singing the jingle Make a Difference, May Kadoody. She ends up winning as a write-in… and a woman actually named May Kadoody (Maria Bamford) comes forward and claims the position, and at a press conference, she reveals that she is adamantly opposing gay marriage. When Kadoody outlaws brunch, Sarah turns on her to get her run out of office and hires an Ace Ventura lookalike (Matthew Patrick Davis) to dig up dirt on the mayor. Brian changes his tune and now wants to marry Steve because the mayor has forbid it, and proposes marriage to Steve but warned by Officer Ullman (Stanley Ullman) that it is now illegal. Sarah finds Kadoody having gay sex with Mini Coffee and eating brunch in a motel and takes a picture of them, and announces this to the police as Brian and Steve are in the middle of a wedding ceremony with Reverend Fulcher. Kadoody is arrested, and Grossnickel is re-instated as Mayor and administers the vows between Steve and Brian. Joshua Malina is Supervisor Bill Wilson. Art Evans is the Commander. Tara Sands is the campaign manager. 6/15/16 
• 027. Smellin’ of Troy – 3/11/2010
  • Sarah is primed to begin a new tennis season with Laura, but then finds out that Laura and Jay have eloped and gotten married. She remembers back to when she (Savannah Paige Rae) was left alone by Laura (Ava Acres), and reverted to having an imaginary friend named Troy Bulletinboard (Max Warner), who was beaten to death by Sarah’s father. With Sarah lonely again, an adult Troy (Andy Samberg) makes his return, but this Troy is constantly horny. Sarah stays home constantly to have sex with ‘Troy’ and soon Troy starts bringing other friends into the scene, until she is left with a drug-laden orgy. Jay is able to clear out everyone except for Troy, so Laura reveals that their father is still alive and in a coma. Sarah goes to visit him and tells him about Max, causing him to come awake and beat Troy to death. Meanwhile Steve is irritated when Brian won’t let him sit in and play with his band Crimson Tesseract, but when Brian hurts his hand during practice, Steve jumps in making up the song I’m Glad You Hurt Your Hand, which quickly becomes an overnight sensation. Steve, now part of the band Electric Mind Sandwich, is interviewed by Kurt Loder (himself) causing Brian to pass out. When he comes awake, he delivers a public apology to Steve and the two jam to the song together. Among the imaginary friends are Andre (Frankie Ray), Maurice (Chester Tam), and Becky (Chelsea Peretti). 9/6/16
• 028. A Fairly Attractive Mind – 3/18/2010
  • For peeing in a mailbox, Sarah is sentenced to community service with the Lil’ Buddy Program for mentally challenged. She is paired with a girl named Carly Hirsch (Kulap Vilaysack) and assumes she is mentally challenged, but when they are attacked by muggers Jo-Jo and Stencil, it is revealed that Carly thinks that it is Sarah who is retarded, which is verified by the program receptionist Brianna Carlson (Brook Cadorette). Sarah starts to believe that she is in fact retarded and gets a job as a grocery bagger at the Fantastimart where they hire people with special needs. Her manager George (Gregg Daniel) tries to fire her for being slow and talking too much about her retardation, but the store owner Bill Fanstastimart (Stephen Tobolowsky) keeps her on and makes her manager to show his support of the disabled. Laura is surprised how independent this has made Sarah, but she is soon fired from the the job after she creates a commercial advertising ‘two for the price of none’ on everything in the store. Sarah wants to continue being inspirational by getting fired out of a giant cannon. Meanwhile a cursed dragon phone causes Brian and Steve to switch bodies, just before Brian’s father (Stuart Cornfield) comes for a visit. Brian is on pins and needles as he and his dad used to get along swimmingly until his dad once came back from a business trip completely void of feeling for Brian. His father quickly realizes that they’ve switched bodies, and confesses that he once switched bodies with a Chinese prostitute (Nancy Yee) after touching a similar phone, and has never switched back. Brian and Steve touch the phone again and switch their bodies back, just as Sarah falls through the ceiling and falls on them after being shot from the cannon. George Cheung is John. Jeremy Vest is himself as a How’s Your News? reporter. Show producer Heidi Herzon appears as checkout girl Prunella Alpert Pennyfeathers. 9/6/16
• 029. Songs in the Key of Yuck – 3/25/2010
  • Steve asks Sarah for a favor to go see his favorite jam band Kaleidoscope Funk Network, citing the fact that Sarah owes him a favor for revealing to his parents (Orson Bean, Mary Gregory) that he was gay. She agrees, and Steve gets her to drop acid to enjoy the concert, which she totally loves. They return to the concert the next night but this time Sarah declines the acid and this time is bored by the show. She convinces all of the concert-goers to forego dropping acid by threatening them with a scary video of a spider. Sure enough, everyone is bored with the show and goes home. Steve is furious that Sarah ruined something else for him, so she makes it up by getting Steve’s parents to drop acid so they will be more accepting of him. Meanwhile Laura asks Dr. Lynch about the fact that Jay laughs uncontrollably during his sleep, with a condition that the doctor describes as ‘laughmares’. She takes advantage of this by performing stand-up comedy in the bedroom, as well as hosting a talk show with Eddie the cook and Billy Crudup (himself), while Jay laughs at everything they say. Brian runs out of milk for his cereal and sinks further into himself until he has sunk through the floor. Sarah performs Opposite Day on Laura’s talk show. John Ennis is the free hug guy. John DiMaggio is Trent. 11/26/16
• 030. Just Breve – 4/1/2010
  • Sarah, as a bluesy southerner who has lost her eyesight in a tanning bed accident, narrates the story of Steve and Brian. Steve, deciding that he wants a child, builds a robot named Breve (George Pimentel) as his son, but it nearly doesn’t work until Brian prays to Satan and it begins to take on a life of its own. However problems arise when it becomes clear that Breve has killed the mailman Weird Nathan’s (Doug Benson) dog Kenny Chesney, and then after Nathan confronts Brian and Steve, Breve decapitates him. FBI Agent Schroeder (Adam Scott) follows the trail to Breve and during his welcome party, the FBI invades and although Breve manages to kill several of them, they ultimately take him out, causing Steve and Brian to grieve in his memory. Meanwhile Jay finds out that Laura is interested in porn and anal activity and can hardly look at her, but then makes a confession of his own that he likes model trains… that enter him from the rear. Sarah takes off her dark glasses and realizes that she’s regained her sight. Derek Mears is Captain Mears. Jennifer Flack is Monica. 11/29/16
• 031. A Good Van Is Hard to Find – 4/8/2010
  • Sarah is easily lured into two vans, the first containing a man named Seth (Drew Droege) her to cult where everyone commits suicide waiting for a spaceship, the second containing a creepy guy (Randy Gambill) who is wanted for exposing himself to senior citizens. Meanwhile Steve and Brian are sprayed by a skunk, but both refuse to do the laundry because they think it is the other’s turn, settling to wear various items around the house including cushions, mattresses, and tin foil. Sarah goes onto the Scarlett Lacy Show, where Sarah tells Scarlett (Missy Pyle) about a safe van she’s invented to pick up children for a good time. When Sarah starts to get a little strange with the kids, them meets another man named Vincent Van Guy (Patton Oswalt) who seems to have an affinity for young boys, she starts to believe that the vans themselves are making people become molesters. When Vincent takes Steve and Brian into his van and forces them at axe-point to pose for pictures in children’s clothing, Vincent is arrested and Sarah realizes that the men in vans are perverted and that it is not the van’s fault. Laura keeps inadvertently injuring herself, leading Brian and Steve to think that Jay is abusing her and calling in Tig to investigate. Jay is eventually arrested, but released when Laura has another accident in front of Steve and Brian. It turns out she only needed glasses. Cade Dundish is the pee-pee kid. 3/8/17
• 032. Wowschwitz – 4/15/2010
  • When Sarah finds out that Laura is creating a Halocaust memorial for Valley Village, she gets irritated and decides to create her own memorial. After saving Murray from a dead battery in his scooter, she gets him to help her throw her own Halocaust celebration. Meanwhile Brian decides to be more impulsive to shake up his boring life with Steve, so he steals Jay’s gun and replaces it with a banana, only to find out that it belongs to another cop, Officer Leach (Scott Aukerman), who merely looks like Jay. When Murray’s former Commandant Von Reichenstein shows up, it becomes apparent that Murray was actually a Nazi officer. They plot to steal the plaque made from recovered Nazi gold. Sarah’s celebration is more like a carnival where she unveils and giant gold nose as a tribute.  Jay and Leach get the call to stop Murray and Von Reichenstein who are holding everyone at the celebration hostage. Steve and Brian pursue them to warn Leach that he has a banana instead of a gun. Steve gets stuck in the duct, while Brian tries to return the gun, which Von Reichenstein grabs and shoots Sarah in the chest with. Sarah dies from her wounds, but suddenly the entire Halocaust is negated when a time-traveling Doug returns having murdered Hitler in the past. Holly Meowy is the sexy Hitler girl. Eric Leiderman is the guy with the big nose. 3/14/17

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