The Terrible Catsafterme

SEASON 1

Created by Linda Bloodworth-Thomason

Theme music by Sonny Curtis performed by Hans Olson, narrated by Ossie Davis

• 001. A Day in the Life of Wood Newton – 9/21/1990
  • Woodrow “Wood” Newton (Burt Reynolds) is a retired Pittsburgh Steelers player, who currently coaches the losing high school football team the Mules in Evening Shade, Arkansas, where he lives with his wife, Ava (Marilu Henner) and their children Taylor (Jay R. Ferguson), Molly (Melissa Renee Martin), and Will (Jacob Parker). Among the other residents of the town are: Ava’s father Evan Evans (Hal Holbrook), the owner of the local newspaper, who claims that Wood ruined his life by marrying his daughter when she was 18; Ava’s annoying Aunt Freida (Elizabeth Ashley); Dr. Harlan Eldridge (Charles Durning) and his wife Merleen (Ann Wedgeworth); paper delivery boy Nub Oliver (Charlie Dell); Ponder Blue (Ossie Davis), owner of Blue’s Barbecue Villa – home of the town’s oldest juke box that Wood loves; and Ponder’s sister Francis (Virginia Capers), who looks after Evan. Francis’ son R.C. (Marlon Archey) returns to Evening Shade to play on the football team. On the day of Wood and Ava’s fifteenth wedding anniversary, which is also Wood’s birthday, in addition to a game loss, a stripper named Fontana Beausoleil (Linda Gehringer) streaks across the field and is shown in the paper with Wood. She does this to protest the policies of Ava, who is running for local Prosecuting Attorney. Wood and Ava also discover that Ava is pregnant, despite the fact that Wood has had a vasectomy. They decide to try and keep it secret as not to hurt her campaign. All of the above leads to an argument that carries throughout the day. Wood also is appointed a meek assistant coach, math teacher Herman Stiles (Michael Jeter) by principal Margaret Fouch (Ann Hearn). Wood visits Harlan to find out what went wrong with his operation, and Harlan does indeed verify that he still has a high sperm count, although he offers no explanation what happened. While Wood takes his kids shoe shopping, Taylor tells him he no longer wants to play football. The kids express support to their mother and new baby. Everyone convenes at the Villa for Wood’s birthday party, where Wood sadly finds out that Ponder has sold the jukebox. He gives a heartfelt toast to his wife and reveals that she is pregnant, although most already knew. They narrowly avoiding Fontana appearing nude inside a birthday cake, but she shows up after the party and is given a ride home by Nub. Back at home, he finds that Ava has gotten him the jukebox for his birthday, even though Ponder ripped up her check. They make up and enjoy their anniversary. Burton Gilliam is Virgil. Florence Schauffler is Wood’s mother Pauline. Pepper Sweeney is reporter Neal Heck, one of Wood’s former students. Terry Wills is Ralph. Jane Abbott is Dorothy. NOTE: This premiere episode runs 49 min. 11/16/14

• 002. There Once Was a Boy Named Wood – 9/28/1990
  • During the 30th anniversary of his father’s death, while Ava is on a radio talk show debate, Wood and Evan hear her say she’s not feeling well. They take her to the hospital where Harlan says that she should stay a few days for observation. Wood wants to keep the kids at home with him, but Freida insists that she come and stay to help out. She nearly drives him crazy with her constant chatter. Evan is no help as he is tied up having dinner with Fontana, and cancels out of poker night with Wood, Ponder, Harlan, and Nub. Freida insists on sitting in the game and directs Wood’s kids to spy on Evan’s date. Merleen tries to convince Wood to let Molly have a bra. Flowers arrive from Ava that were supposed to go to Wood’s father’s grave. Wood reflects on his love for Ava and sneaks into her room at the hospital to climb in bed with her. 11/16/14
• 003. Whatever Happened to Clutch Newton? – 10/5/1990
  • As Ava busily works on a case involving a missing thumb, Wood handles some of the duties for the kids: making a tree costume for Will, making cookies, and getting sheet music for Molly. He also is interviewed for the sports channel by Steve (Dan Gilvezan) about his professional career combined with his losing streak as a football coach in Evening Shade. The interview moves from his home to Blue’s, where Wood has returned the juke box. Harlan talks about an amazing interception that Wood had made in a high school championship game, winning the pennant for the school and earning Wood the nickname “Clutch”. Harlan has a video of the game that he shows at his home “Tara,” but the newsmen notice that Wood’s foot was actually out of bounds when he made the catch. The story takes a downward turn and many in the town feel that Wood has blown their pennant. Evan makes a rousing speech about Wood’s many career highlights…which becomes the wrap-up to the story. Wood is forced to tell Evan how great the speech made him feel. Taylor expresses relief that the pressure is now off him to live up to his father’s past. Michael O. Smith is Marion Mayfield. 11/20/14
• 004. Sadie Hawkins Dance – 10/16/1990
  • It’s Sadie Hawkins week and that means an escalating war of pranks between Wood and the seniors. They get it printed in the paper that he is fired, Wood turns off the hot water in their showers, and they put an outhouse on his front porch. He has an idea to lure them to a college Freshman party and then have an exploding canister of red ink detonate on them, and engages Herman in his scheme. Meanwhile Taylor expects a dance invite from Jennifer, but when Marge “The Barge Mayfield (Tara Hutchins) calls, he assumes it is is Jennifer and accepts the invitation…which his parents won’t let him back out of, even when he feigns illness and injury. Taylor decides to go through with it when Marge’s father Marion asks him to let him know if he is going to cancel, in order to avoid more heartache for her. During the dance, Marge is crowned “Daisy May” princess, which was intended as a joke – which makes her especially amorous with Taylor. During the dance Taylor gets a call to pick up his father and Herman, so Marge drives him to Hoxie to retrieve them. Wood and Herman are covered in red ink and when Marge gets pulled over, everyone is arrested by the sheriff (Tom Kindle). Herman borrows Marge’s tiara and notes how much he looks like Sissy Spacek as Carrie. Ted Jan Roberts is Zak. 11/21/14
• 005. Fast Women – 10/29/1990
  • Ava is concerned both about her father, who is dating the town striptease dancer Fontana, and her son Taylor, who, at the age of fifteen, is dating Michelle Marlin (Julie Condra), who is almost eighteen and drives. Matters are made worse when Michelle drops into Wood’s office and announces her intentions to sleep with Taylor, while being ‘careful.’ Wood has a discussion with both Evan and Taylor at Blue’s, and both Wood and Evan let is slip that they both lost their virginity at age fifteen. Wood and Ava chaperone the dance and Wood comes right out and tells Taylor that he thinks it would be a bad idea to sleep with Michelle. That night Evan dances into the night with Fontana, and Taylor comes home late and tells his father that he agreed that she wasn’t right to take that step…although he was no ‘angel’. 1/3/15
• 006. The Moustache Show – 11/2/1990
  • After the team’s 25th consecutive loss, Wood heads to Blue’s for a night of drinking, during which Ava mentions that anyone who shaved Wood’s mustache would be doing him a favor. Wood, Freida, and Herman continue their drinking back at Wood’s house, where Wood does impersonations, and Freida hits on Herman. Wood passes out on the coffee table and the next morning Will attempts to shave Wood’s mustache, of which he only gets half. When he wakes up he is visited by an old boyfriend of Ava’s named Kyle Hampton (Ted McGinley), who now writes for the New York times. Preoccupied with his half-mustache, he agrees to let Ava go on a lunch date with Kyle. They all end up at Blue’s, where Wood looks even more ridiculous because Harlan is making him wear flowered golf pants that Merleen made. Still he allows Ava to go on a memory-lane date with Kyle. She is out until after 2am, but Wood is happy to hear that the date is a little depressing. Ava loves him all the more for being so trustful. Brent Briscoe is Luther. 1/4/15
• 007. All for Charity – 11/9/1990
  • On the day after Wood injures his arm when a player runs into him, Harlan enters a ‘weekend with Wood Newton’ into a charity auction for the cheerleaders’ uniforms. Principal Fouch also wants Wood to fire Herman for his incompetence – especially after he over-orders jock-itch powder that fills Wood’s office – in favor of  local semi-pro player George Freeman. Wood later finds Herman in his house, telling Wood that he won the charity auction weekend. Herman drives everyone crazy, telling Taylor’s girlfriend Jennifer that he can’t date during the football season, ruining Molly’s science project volcano, hurting Will’s face by trying to make a mask, and firing the cannon Big Bertha in Wood’s house. Wood is ready to fire Herman and kick him out when Herman tells him how much the weekend has meant to him, and how excited he is for his father to see him on the football field. Wood has a change of heart and keeps him as his assistant coach. 2/27/15
• 008. Something to Hold Onto – 11/19/1990
  • The big game against Piggot is coming up, and Evening Shade hasn’t beat them since 1959. Principal Fouch has to break the news that the offensive line is failing Algebra and will be ineligible to play, but that she arranged with the teacher to allow them a make-up test. On the night of the lunar eclipse, Herman attempts to tutor the team at Wood’s house, but ends up putting them all to sleep. Freida steps in and tutors them, relating algebra to girls. Everyone except their best player Eddie Satterfield (Ed Beechner) passes. Making matters worse, Harlan throws away Wood’s lucky black towel, and they have to search at the dump for it. The manager of the junkyard, Sam W. (Steve Carlisle), had played on the Piggot team in 1959 and remembers Wood. He helps Wood find the towel with the stipulation that Harlan check out his bad feet. They end up tying Piggot 17-17. 2/27/15
• 009. Mr. Mom – 11/26/1990
  • Ava is extremely busy with her new job as Prosecuting Attorney and leaving Wood with more responsibilities at home. It starts to take its toll on Wood and when she comes home late and misses the dinner that he prepared, he blows his top and leaves home and stays with Ponder for a couple of days. Ponder feels smothered and tries to get him to leave, but it isn’t until Rita tells him that she’s running things at his house that he rushes back home. He goes home and apologizes. Rita meets Merleen for the first time, and they hit it off.  4/10/15
• 010. Hooray for Wood – 12/10/1990
  • A production company comes to town to film location shots for the miniseries The Blue and the Gray II. Various town members get parts in the play including Herman, who will play the half-wit, Fontana as a wet nurse, and Rita as an extra. Additionally, Harlan is asked to to give the film’s star Shelley Darling (Sally Kellerman) a check-up. The flamboyant director Alan Roth (Charles Nelson Reilly) asks Wood to play the Confederate Colonel Rodney Stone. Shelley throws out Harlan has a meltdown on the set, complaining about the heat and stress of being in the South, and refuses to work. They sit out in the rain for hours waiting for her, Wood only needing to deliver three lines. Finally, he shakes her trailer and screams for her to come out. When she does, he brutally delivers his lines, and she tells him that he’ll never work in his pictures again… to which he replies, “Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn” and storms off himself. John Allsopp as Geoff, and Eddie Driscoll as Doug Jackson are production assistants. 4/12/15
• 011. The Wood Who Stole Christmas – 12/17/1990
  • As Christmas approaches, Wood has to deal with the ungrateful nature of his kids, as well as Will’s lack of belief in Santa Claus. Will has also convinced Nub that Santa doesn’t exist, and Nub has refused to place the star at the top of the town tree as tradition dictates unless Santa meets Will’s request that it snow for Christmas. Wood ends up giving away half of the kids’ gifts to the McDoles, a poor family whose father keeps getting arrested for shoplifting. Mr. McDole ends up giving Wood their dog that his family can’t take care of, which is what the Wood kids really wanted for Christmas anyway. Wood tries to get a snow machine to produce snow for Will and Nub but can’t get it to work. Miraculously it ends up snowing during the tree lighting which gives Will and Nub a reason to believe again. Meanwhile, Evan sends a Christmas message from a military unit that is broadcast on CNN, in which he only sends greetings to Fontana, much to the irritation of Freida. Fontana ends up bringing the full message over to show Ava, and she sees that her family also received a message that was edited. 7/1/15
• 012. Wood and Ava and Gil and Madeline – 1/7/1991
  • Wood and Ava hang out with a couple named Gil (Murphy Dunne) and Madeline Hall (Erin Grey) who have returned to town from Anaheim. The evening goes strangely when the Halls try to feed them alcohol, get them into robes, and show them the pornographic movie Carl and Sylvia on Their Honeymoon. Wood and Ava eventually leave and go home disgusted that the Halls are swingers, but still agree to host a birthday party for the Hall’s son Mitchell. Wood warns Harlan that the Halls are weird, but Harlan thinks they are just boring. The party is eventually cancelled when Mitchell gets sick, and Wood doubles down on instilling family values. Later Harlan and Merleen stop over late at night lamenting that they too were hit on by the Halls. Wood comforts them, just as the Halls walk in to see them all embracing in their robes, leaving the impression that they are all in fact swingers. Meanwhile Herman gets punched in the eye by a youth he though was a student, and Wood tries to get to see Rocky V. 9/2/15
• 013. Wood’s Thirtieth Reunion – 1/21/1991
  • Wood’s friends Earl Mallory (James Hampton) and Jaguar Johnny Blanchard (Doug McClure) come into town to celebrate their Class of 1960 reunion. They tell tales of Wood’s former fiancee Becky Kinkaid (Leigh Taylor Young), who is now a successful businesswoman going by the name Winstead. Becky also returns to town for the reunion and sends limo driver Larry (Leo Geter) to fetch wood for a drink, but he declines. He later runs into her at Blue’s and she propositions him to fly away with her for a week, claiming she always gets what she wants. Later at the reunion, Ava gives Wood permission to dance with Becky, during which he turns her down once and for all. Meanwhile Freida accompanies them to the reunion as Freida’s date, and Evan returns from the Middle East and finds out from Johnny that Wood used to siphon gas from his car, causing him to present Wood with a bill. 9/2/15
• 014. Vote Early and Vote Often – 1/28/1991
  • Ava is trying to convince Wood to work on converting her old campaign room into the nursery for the new baby. When they stumble onto some campaign materials, they start to reminisce about her campaign, during which Taylor bribes his eighteen-year-old guy friends for their votes by promising that Wood will let them play quarterback, Merleen smashes Harlan’s hand with a hammer while hanging posters, and Ava goes on Dusty Parker’s (Alfie Wise) radio show to debate her competition Jim Guy Puckett (Royce D. Applegate). Puckett has already made some sexist remarks on the show about Ava, but she has convinced Wood to let her fight her own battles instead of him going down and punching Puckett. Although Ava has well-researched answers, she comes across as dry compared to Puckett’s colorful ribbing of Ava. Finally, Wood calls in and asks what she estimates Puckett’s hat size to be, which opens the door for a barrage of insults of her own. Ava ends up winning the election. Back in the present, Ava convinces to finish of the nursery, noting that they’ll have time alone afterward. 2/1/16
• 015. Chip Off the Old Brick – 2/4/1991
  • Herman’s father Brick (Brian Keith) is coming into town and Herman is anxious to impress him, since Brick is a towering boisterous truck driver, and Herman has never been manly enough for him. Wood mistakes a salesman named Bud (Henry Gibson) stopping in town en route for Herman’s father and accidentally invites him to dinner. Ava finds Brick to be obnoxious and not nice to Herman, and Freida is offended that Brick is pursuing her relentlessly for a date. When Wood lets it slip that he things Brick is a jerk, Herman storms out in anger, but after stewing about it, he confronts his father in front of everyone at Blue’s and tells him that he’s always been obnoxious. Brick leaves town, but returns to spend more time with his son, who has made him proud by being assertive. Brick warns him never to do it again though, and the two resume some aggressive bickering, much to Wood’s delight. It becomes clear that Freida is actually flattered by Brick’s advances. 7/2/15
• 016. The Trials of Wood Newton – 2/11/1991
  • Evan starts a feud with Vernon Moody (S.A. Griffin) when he insults him in the newspaper’s letters column. Vernon comes to Wood’s house to confront him, so Evan meets him on the front porch. Before long Evan has been punched in the nose, and Ava is ready to prosecute him in court. Meanwhile Even and Wood visit Blue’s where they run into a visiting fan of Wood’s named Rayford Taggart (Paul Dooley), and while trying to show off and embarrass Evan, Wood mentions the time that Evan attacked him with a piece of firewood. Rayford then serves Wood a subpoena and reveals himself to be Vernon’s attorney, who is counter-suing Evan for attempted assault since Evan was picking up a piece of firewood when Vernon punched him. Ava is irritated, so during a pre-hearing in front of the judge (Ken Jenkins) where Wood is called as a hostile witness by Taggart, she paints a picture of him as an attention hound, weaving tall tales to impress a stranger. The judge gets both parties to drop the charges, and this time it is Wood who gets to give Ava the silent treatment. 11/28/15
• 017. Into the Woods – 2/18/1991
  • Since Taylor has been playing some practical jokes with friends, including mooning old lady Elvy Carr, Ava suggests that Wood take him along on the annual hunting trip with Evan, Ponder, and also joining for his first trip, Herman. When they arrive at Evan’s cabin the guys drop the bomb on Taylor and Herman that they really never do any hunting on the trip. A giant deer happens to wander onto their front porch, and while Herman wants to kill it, the other guys just give it some Little Fruities cereal. The deer then drops dead. Two hunters named Big Mike (Dennis Burkley) and Dean (Gary Grubbs) stop by and identify the deer as Bull, the most sought-after buck in the park. When they want to hear the story on how they killed Bull, Wood tells the guys that he strangled it. The men then reveal themselves to be park rangers and arrest Wood for killing the deer in an unauthorized area, handcuffing him to the porch. Eventually they realize that Bull died naturally and let him go. Other hunters come by to pay their respects to the deer, and despite offers to buy him, Wood and Evan give him a proper burial and eulogy. Back home Ava confesses that she always knew that Wood and the guys bought the venison they would bring home from a market along the way. Don Maxwell is George. 11/28/15
• 018. Nothing to Fear But Harvey Lujack – 2/25/1991
  • Nub brings the news that convicted robber Harvey Lujack (Peter Koch) has escaped from prison, which upsets everyone in town, particularly Wood, because Ava had been the prosecuting attorney who put him away and Lujack swore that he’d come back and shoot her. The sheriff assigns his deputy Mitch (Matt Battaglia) to shadow Ava all over town. In addition scads of friends and neighbors show up at the Newton house, most notably Herman who comes in full Ninja gear, which eventually drives Ava to sneak out to her office to get some work done. When Dorothy arrives at the house and announces that Lujack was spotted in town, Wood, Evan, and Herman scramble over to her office, where Lujack has in fact made his way. They are able to subdue him, only to then find out that he has not intention of harming Ava. He had only talked big to create a reputation for himself in prison. In addition he had not escaped on purpose, but merely fell asleep in the laundry truck. In fact he has such high regard for Ava that he wants her to negotiate him returning to prison. Meanwhile Evan returns from a trip to Hawaii with his sister where it rained constantly. 2/1/16
• 019. Gambler Anonymous – 3/4/1991
  • Wood disappoints Herman by telling him that he is going to skip the Coach’s Conference in Fayetteville, but keeps the real reason a secret: his old friend Kenny Rogers (himself) is coming to stay with the Newtons during some unscheduled tour airplane maintenance. Although he tries to keep it secret, Freida stops by and sees him at the house, then promptly begins spreading the word around town. Herman has a hard time staying conscious around him, Fontana tries to audition to perform a duet, and Virgil keeps telling him about all of Kenny’s songs that he doesn’t like. Wood and Kenny try to sneak away for a fishing trip, but it turns out that they host a gathering at their house for Kenny’s fans in town. Wood finally decides to send Kenny to a hotel, but not before Kenny sings the song Twenty Years Ago for the crowd assembled on the Newton’s porch – as images of the cast members from their past flash by on the screen. 4/14/16
• 020. Sex Education – 3/24/1991
  • With the flu bug going around the school, Herman and Wood are asked to fill in as substitute teachers by Margaret Fouch. Herman, who is constantly at odds with Margaret, makes his plea to take over Mrs. Lindsey’s (Bobbie Ferguson) Biology class, not realizing that he will be teaching sex education. Herman is nervous about it and pleads with Wood to assist him since he doesn’t have the same kind of ‘experience’ that Wood does. They both fumble through the class, deflecting the questions that student Andrew Phillpot (David A.R. White) has about transvestites. Herman gives a surprisingly heartfelt and cohesive answer about when teens should start having sex. Later Herman confesses to Margaret that he likes her, to which she is quite receptive the two of them end up kissing. Herman tells Wood about his new relationship, and Wood tries to figure out exactly where ‘first base’ is, which is a question that Ava doesn’t care for. 4/14/16
• 021. I Am Wood, Hear Me Roar – 4/1/1991
  • Wood and Herman try to gear up the team for Spring training for the following year’s season, but many of the boys don’t want to come back to the losing team. Wood asks the boys to gather up anyone who has an interest in football to join the team, which yields a group of nerds… plus two athletic sisters, Yvonne (Kimberly Grey) and Yvette (Kirsten Holmquist). Wood has to decide whether to let them on the team and become a further laughing stock, amidst opposing views of the others in town. Wood claims that he is afraid the girls will get hurt, but Ava thinks he might be acting sexist. Herman arranges a press conference, where he is bombarded with questions geared to cause controversy. In the end Wood announces to the team that he is allowing Yvonne and Yvette on the team, and cautions them that if they don’t want the girls to take their positions, they’d better work harder. Meanwhile Herman gets rid of his glasses in favor of contact lenses. Rick Post is journalist Bill. Pepper Sweeney is Wood’s former student, now journalist Neal Heck. 7/29/16
• 022. Herman and Margaret Sitting in a Tree – 4/8/1991
  • As the teachers work on a school carnival, and Harlan contends with a painful wisdom tooth, Herman is upset that he and Margaret are not advancing to actual dating in their relationship. Merleen offers to host a French-themed dinner at Wood and Ava’s house so that Herman will have a comfortable place to take Margaret on a date. During the date Margaret becomes so nervous that Herman is level-jumping their relationship that she ends up getting drunk on champagne and making a fool of herself. During the carnival, Margaret begins barking at everyone and tells Wood that she doesn’t need a man in her life, and breaks it off with Herman, who is standing in as a clown and acting grumpy. Wood insists that the talk it out since they are driving everyone crazy. Herman assures Margaret that he just wants to get to know her better, and she accepts a formal date from him. Meanwhile Harlan checks everyone’s blood pressure in his carnival booth, since he has been banned from performing his magic tricks after a former ‘dove incident’. 7/30/16
• 023. Far from the Madden Crowd – 4/29/1991
  • Ava is furious when she finds out that the baby isn’t going to be coming in a week, but that she has three more weeks of being uncomfortable. Herman drives everyone crazy trying to videotape the ‘before’ of having the baby. He also spills the beans that Taylor is going to be voted as the Athlete of the Year at the upcoming High School Sports Awards banquet. Newton has lined up John Madden as the guest speaker for the event, but when he cancels, Newton reluctantly turns to Terry Bradshaw (himself), whom he sees as the guy who obliterated all of his football records, and Bradshaw agrees. Ava perks up a little bit during her baby shower, while Freida forces reporter Neal Heck to sit in on the event to take notes for the paper. At the awards banquet, Herman reveals he made a mistake about the winner of the award and Taylor doesn’t get it, but Taylor is okay since he actually voted for the winner Yvonne Prewitt. Terry Bradshaw gives his speech about how he overcame his fear of public speaking, as one by one everyone walks out to tend to Ava, who has gone into labor. 10/6/16
• 024. The Baby Show – 5/6/1991
  • Leaving Terry Bradshaw upstaged at the Sports Banquet, nearly the entire audience piles into the kitchen to tend to Ava who thinks she has gone into labor. Ponder drives Ava to the hospital in a van packed full of people including Herman who continues to annoy everyone by filming. When Ava really starts to feel bad, Harlan advises Wood to through everyone out, which he does. When they get to the hospital, they find out the baby’s heart rate is low and that the umbilical cord is wrapped around its neck, so Ava can’t get any pain medicine. Wood promises Ava that everything will be okay, but Harlan warns him that not everything comes down to science. The others make their way to the hospital, and amidst the bickering of Freida and Herman, Harlan tells them about the complications that necessitated a C-section. Ava is okay, but there are problems with the baby. The town holds vigil outside the hospital, while Evan tells Wood that despite his objections to their marriage, he is the best thing that ever happened to Ava. Harlan tells Wood that he has some news for him.. Later Wood is seen changing the population of Evening Shade from 11,247 to 11,248, and he brings in the new baby girl, Emily Freida Newton, to see Ava. Wanda Jones is Wanda the waitress. 10/6/16

SEASON 2

Theme music by Snuff Garrett, Clark Rigsby, and Kevin Stoller

• 025. Three Naked Men: Part 1 – 9/16/1991
  • Wood, Harlan, and Herman plan their annual camping trip and polar skinny dip, while Ponder opts out this year in favor of going to an antique car show with Evan, who encourages the men to allow the women to go along this time and also take Fontana. They agree, with the stipulation that they stay in separate camps. The women consider visiting the men when they can’t collect enough wood to build a fire because the men hog it all, and the men briefly consider inviting the women over to cook for them. That night Harlan dresses in his bear costume to try to scare the women and convince them not to come back, but Freda ends up clubbing him with a shovel. The men take their revenge by collapsing the women’s tent early the next morning. While they go skinny dipping, Freda, Ava, Merleen, and Fontana enact their final revenge: stealing everything from the men’s campsite including their clothes. The men wrap themselves in branches and make their way toward the camp road. NOTE: This is the first of a two-part episode. Candace Hutson takes over the role of Molly. 1/12/17
• 026. Three Naked Men: Part 2 – 9/23/1991
  • Ava begins to feel bad and worry about leaving the men in the woods with no clothes. The men keep walking down the road and are unsuccessful in flagging down a car, or getting a family to give them any shred of clothes they can spare. Herman finds a woman’s bathing suit and wears that, while Wood dresses in tin foil and a cardboard belt. They finally reach a pay phone and are able to contact Evan and Ponder to come and pick them up in Ponder’s van. They are pulled over for speeding, just as Evan’s cigar catches Wood’s belt on fire. Patrolman Randy Garrett (Eddie Driscoll), a former student of Wood’s ultimately lets them go. The men head back to Ponder’s house and get dressed, and then see the wives on the news making a heartfelt plea to help find the men. The reporter also notes that the sheriff has already spent $30,000 on the rescue mention and has warned that if this was part of a joke, someone will be made to pay. The men reluctantly return to the woods wearing their leaves, awaiting rescue in order to avoid being fined. Diana Castle and Dan Dillon are newscasters Cindy and Ted. Brent Briscoe and Tara Karsian are the man and woman who refuse to give the men clothes. 1/12/17
• 027. I’m With Stupid – 9/30/1991
  • Molly is adamantly against entering into the Miss Evening Shade pageant, but once her obnoxious new crush Dwayne Conlee (Davey Roberts) tells her he’s for the idea, Molly becomes gung-ho to enter. Much to the chagrin of Wood and Ava, Fontana and Merleen make her up in heavy makeup and a glamorous dress. Wood can’t stand Dwayne, and Ava starts to have her doubts when Molly wants to get a tattoo that matches Dwayne’s. Wood tells Molly that he supports her doing what she wants, but hopes she doesn’t do it for a boy. She ends up tripping during the tryout and locks herself in the house. Dwayne comes over and is able to talk her outside and make her feel better. Dwayne thinks Wood is the coolest. Meanwhile the guys try to figure out what Opie’s real name was on The Andy Griffith Show, so Herman calls Ron Howard to ask him. 4/13/17
• 028. Tying the Knot – 10/7/1991
  • While dealing with an already-chaotic morning with the kids, Ava takes another pregnancy test fearing that she is showing the signs again, but she and Wood are relieved to find that it is only a false alarm. Meanwhile Luke is suffering a sore throat so they take him to Harlan, who suggests that he have his tonsils removed. Wood agrees to keep him company during the operations, but Ava suggests that he take the opportunity to have the vasectomy completed again since it apparently ‘didn’t take’ before. Wood reluctantly agrees, but then faces embarrassments thanks to the crotchety nurse Betty (Pat Carroll) and a visiting group of medical students who thought his birthing room was empty, including former students Dexter (Mark Fauser) and Susie (Lynn Llewelyn), while he is stuck in the stirrups. His experience is topped off by a visit from Freida who nearly drives him crazy. Tara Karsian and Mike Oda are medical students. 4/15/17
• 029. Miss Emily’s Wild Ride – 10/14/1991
  • Despite being grounded from using the car, Taylor takes it anyway and ends up getting into a small accident. Although Evan purports to be an expert with children, while babysitting Emily, he answers Taylor’s call and leaves to get Taylor without taking the baby. When Evan takes Taylor to meet Wood at Blue’s, they realize Evan’s mistake and rush home. Nub has stopped by to collect for the paper and realizes that the baby is home alone, so he takes her with him on his paper route. When Wood, Evan, and Herman arrive, they find her missing so go in search of her. When Ava stops home from work, everyone conceals the fact that Emily is missing to keep her from getting hysterical. Meanwhile Nub loses the baby to the milkman, and not knowing who she was, passes her all over town. The mailman Thurman Doyle (Ritchie Montgomery) is ready to return her, but Nub snatches her back first. The men are ready to confess the issue to Ava, when Taylor brings her outside, having gotten her back from Nub. No one is too concerned about his car wreck by then. Will is concerned that he caused Emily to disappear by wishing her gone after getting jealous about her. Ava finds out eventually but forgives Wood. Molly practices for and wins a Spelling Bee. 12/5/17
• 030. The Road Trip – 10/21/1991
  • Wood is looking forward to a getaway to Eureka Springs with his family and Taylor’s girlfriend Aimee Thompson (Hilary Swank) in their friend Hutch’s RV, but soon Freida, Herman, and Elldridges invite themselves and caravan behind the RV. Herman starts a small fire in the RV kitchen while trying to warm up food for the baby and Wood burns his hands putting it out. When they stop for dinner, Herman goes outside to retrieve his wallet and manages to blow up the entire RV and everyone’s luggage inside. Everyone is forced to stay in a motel together in one room. Wood and Ava do their best to keep Taylor and Aimee from getting frisky, and keep Freida and Merleen from getting into a fist fight. Wood is too annoyed and uncomfortable to sleep so Ava joins him on the floor. Herman takes her place when the bathtub is too uncomfortable, but winds up in bed with Freida who throws herself around him in her sleep, then wakes up everyone screaming. The next morning Hutch meets up with them and informs them that the RV that blew wasn’t his. Herman had picked up the wrong RV as a result of being color blind. 12/5/17
• 031. Winning Isn’t Everything – 11/4/1991
  • A new student named Skeeter Hatfield (Robby Benson) has transferred into Evening Shade and joined the Mules football team. Herman and Wood both think he has a lot of potential. Ponder gives Skeeter his first meal on the house, but it seems like he feels funny about accepting it. Meanwhile, Wood is hoping that the school board will grant him a weight room, but Harlan, who is on the board, warns Newton that they are talking about discontinuing the football program after this season since they never seem to win. Wood tells everyone that they have no choice but to win the next game against the Cave City Cavemen. However, when the game rolls around, the Mules are down 17-7 at halftime. Coach gives the best halftime speech that he can muster, and sends them back onto the field. Unfortunately, half time isn’t over yet, and in the confusion, Taylor gets trampled by the guys and injures his foot. Harlan checks him out and says he can’t play anymore, so Wood puts Skeeter in as quarterback. He goes over five of their plays with him, and it is enough for him to rally the team to 17-14. He asks Harlan if Taylor can make just on play if he doesn’t have to move, and he okays it in that case. Harlan thinks Wood is going for the tie, which he doesn’t think will excite the school board, but he tells Taylor to go for the win by throwing it to Skeeter in the end zone. Taylor misses the hike and has to chase the ball, but manages to throw it to Skeeter, who scores a touchdown. Everyone in town is thrilled by the game, but then Skeeter comes privately to Wood, Herman, and Harlan and admits that he graduated at a young age, then went through college, and now owns his own computer company at age 33. He realized that he had already accomplished everything he wanted… except playing football in high school. With this news, Wood says he was ineligible to play, and that they will have to forfeit the game. Harlan begs him not to do it, as it will likely destroy the program. Wood thinks it over and discusses with Ava, and then as he heads to the school board meeting, he is pulled into a surprise party they are throwing for him. Wood makes a speech and announces that they had lost the game, even though the boys deserved to win. Skeeter then gets up and makes a counter-speech, taking the blame, and telling everyone what an honorable man Wood is. He cautions the Board that he is worth every penny that they are paying him. Harlan seconds that, and says how much integrity he instills into the boys. As Skeeter leaves, he hands Harlan a check so that the coach can build his weight room. Wood falls Skeeter out of the room and gives Skeeter a jersey to keep. While he is doing that, Harlan calls for a vote from the Board, and the vote to continue the football program. Buddy Reynolds is Buddy. 9/26/22 
• 032. Where’s My Watch? – 11/11/1991
  • Merleen has finally talked Harlan into retiring and he has big plans for everything he wants to do in his retirement. He says he doesn’t want a retirement party, but hints at the exact party he wants and the gifts – a set of golf clubs and a watch – that he’s like to receive. His plans for travel and keeping busy don’t correlate with Merleen’s, who would rather take the time to relax and just hang out with Harlan. This escalates to a huge fight while Wood and Ava are having dinner with them, and Merleen throws Harlen out of the house. He ends up showing up at Wood’s place and takes on the role of household nanny and maid. On the night of his retirement party, after he receives his golf clubs, Merleen shows up and explains to Harlan that she always felt second best after his career, but now hoped that she’s be a big priority. Harlan explains that his identity has been in being a doctor, and now has to keep busy. The two reconcile and she presents him with his watch. Ponder narrates that Harlan ended up going back to work for three days a week. Hartley Silver is Phil, the nephew of Harlan’s third grade teacher Miss Graham, for Nub’s This Is Your Life, Harlan tribute. 8/9/18
• 033. I Do, I Don’t – 11/18/1991
  • With Taylor’s grades slipping and him staying out for hours after their curfew, Wood and Ava ground him from seeing Aimee, while Aimee’s father Walter (Paul Dooley) grounds her. This prompts Taylor and Aimee to run off to see a convenience store proprietor named Skip (Fred Applegate) who also acts as a Justice of the Peace who doesn’t ask many questions. As the kids fumble through the formalities of the ceremony, forgetting the ring and getting in argument about one of Aimee’s ex-boyfriends, Walter joins Ava, Wood, and Herman, who has more issues with Walter as a car salesman, in trying to catch up with them at Skip’s. They wind up married before the parents arrive, and Wood throws a fit and warns Skip that the kids were underage and that Ava is the District Attorney. Meanwhile at the Bed and Bathroom Motel, the kids nervously spend their honeymoon discussing their future, and realizing how difficult things will be. The parents find them and barge into the room and find Aimee crying. The fathers can’t stop bickering, so Wood has a discussion with Taylor, and Ava talks to Aimee. Wood decides to treat Taylor like a man, and tells him he will stand behind him if he chooses to stay married. Taylor however tells Aimee that he thinks they made a mistake, and she wholeheartedly agrees. Tom Kindle and Judith Drake are Skip’s customers. 3/10/19
• 034. The Thanksgiving Show – 11/25/1991
  • Wood and Ava are getting ready to host a big Thankgiving gathering of friends and family, and Wood finds out that Ava told his ex-con cousin Alvin (Billy Bob Thorton) that he could come. Alvin shows up with his girlfriend La Wanda (Mindy Sterling) and her kid sister (Sarah Koskoff), Russell (Austin Nagler), and Tyrone (Victor DiMattea). Everyone is shocked by their behavior when Tyrone sells the kids fake ID’s, Sister massages Taylor, and Alvin breaks into the neighbor’s house to borrow ketchup. Wood can hardly contain himself, but Ava asks that they just get through the dinner, but before it’s done the kids have handcuffed Harlan to his chair, La Wanda has given Merleen face cream that freezes her face, Alvin give Wood’s address to his drunk associate Chuck who has threatened Alvin with a gun, and Alvin and La Wanda get into a huge fight over the sweet potatoes. Wood is about to throw him out when Alvin tells him that La Wanda is afraid that Chuck will show up so they need to leave. As they say their goodbyes La Wanda tells them that Will invited them back to stay for a week at Christmas. The family panics, but then Alvin tells Wood that they really don’t have much in common anymore and that this had been the most boring Thanksgiving he ever had. 3/10/19
• 035. Busted– 12/9/1991
  • Freida complains about A&P produce clerk Gary Stroop (David Heisey) doing his strip act in front of her. The conversation reminds Ava that she has been ignoring public pressure to shut down Fontana’s nude dancing act, so she decides to move forward with putting a stop to it. Fontana invites Ava to come see the act to decide whether it’s offensive. Although Ava thinks the act is incredible, she decides that the strip act is not in the public interest so she moves to shut it down. Although Evan wants her to be the best lawyer she can be, he is clearly disturbed that his daughter has shut down his girlfriend. He also fears that it is because Ava doesn’t approve of him dating her. Many townspeople don’t agree with the shut-down either, so in addition to pranks being enacted on their house, a petition begins circulating to have Ava impeached. Fontana announces that she understands that Ava has to do her job, but she says she has to do hers as well, so she defies the order and dances anyway… leading to Ava calling for her to be arrested. After he arrest, she decides after seeing the dignified Evan bailing her out, she decides that it is not worth it to embarrass him, and decides to retire. Ava has a newfound respect for her. Julie McCullough and Cathryn de Plume are strippers Amber and Tawney. Danny Dayton is the stagehand. 8/10/18
• 036. Rear Window – 12/16/1991
  • While Evan, Herman, and Nub are visiting tanning beds – causing an injury to Herman – Wood is suffering a with a cold and fever as the weather threatens snow in Evening Shade. Wood is milking it for all it is worth, and plans to spend the day in bed, but when he attempts to get the newspaper on the porch, he gets locked out. Finding the bathroom window partially open, he tries to wedge himself in and winds up getting stuck. He survives the ordeal by eating toothpaste, but when the snow starts to fall on his lower half, he nearly reaches the point of hallucination. He is visited by neighbor girl Betsy (Emily Ann Lloyd) but she determines he is Santa Claus and heads home. Taylor stops at home on his break from school, but nearly misses Wood because he has hid headphones on. Wood gets his attention by throwing toilet water at him, but he isn’t able to get him out. Taylor goes to get Herman and Nub, but the only way they can see to free him is to smash the window, which Wood won’t allow them to do because it is Ava’s antique window that she got form her grandmother. Out of ideas, Herman calls the fire department, which brings a flood of firemen, reporters, onlookers, and a door-to-door salesman (Lee Magnuson) selling cleaning supplies made by the blind. Eventually the fire chief Beau (Beau Billingslea) cut round the window, which Wood stores in his room while he finally gets back to bed. Not knowing what happened, Ava comes home that night and notes that Wood is burning up. When she sees the bathroom and missing window, she barrels back into the bedroom demanding an explanation… and cracking the window with the door in the process. 1/23/20
• 037. The Getaway – 1/6/1992
  • Ponder notes that Wood and Ava seem like they’re on edge, and recommends that they get away for the weekend. Freida agrees to watch the kids, Wood gets the key to Evan’s cabin and off they go. They have a rocky start when the key doesn’t work, so Wood breaks the window…just as Ava gets the door open. The steaks Wood cooks are too raw, Ava can’t stop talking about the kids, and Wood is sprayed by a skunk when he goes for wood for a fire. After waiting outside for an hour, Ava lets him in after he strips down, and since they have no tomato sauce, she has him bathe in Tang, which causes him to turn orange. Tensions escalate further when Ava burns Wood’s clothes, which include a jersey that Joe Theismann gave him. When Ava suggests Wood use Old Spice to kill the smell, he douses himself in it. Ava admits she’s worried about the kids and wants to drive to a phone booth. They realize that Ava has burned the keys, but they retrieve them and head to a phone where Wood finds out that everything is fine, but he is also mocked by a hunter (Brent Briscoe) who catches him wearing a granny gown and talking baby talk to Emily. The argument with Ava turns physical back at the cabin when Ava attacks him with a pillow and covers him in feathers. They finally calm down and make up and wind up in bed. However when pressed, Wood admits that he sometimes fantasizes about Cathy Rigby, and Ava admits she fantasizes about Prince. 1/23/20 
• 038. Herman in Charge – 1/13/1992
  • Wood and Ava are going out for the night to a lawyers conference where Ava is going to give a speech. They have Herman over to act as babysitter to the kids, as well as Molly’s friend Darla Unbeknownst to their parents, Will has invited over his friend Allen McDole (T.J. McIntruff) to spend the night, and Darla (Christa Larson) has brought over their friend Stacy (Sarah Martineck) to stay the night. Taylor, whose curfew is 11pm, tells Herman that his curfew is 2:30am. Herman doesn’t buy that, so Taylor ‘admits’ that it is actually 1am. Things start with a food fight and digress into playing ‘Terminator’ in which the kids tie up Herman and cover him in toilet paper. Herman can’t get loose, but when Wood calls to check in, he doesn’t give away his predicament. As the kids are going to the garage to get blue paint to cover him, Taylor sneaks back in with Aimee and their friends Phillpott and his girlfriend Deann (Becky Phelps). Since Herman is tied up, he catches them in the act. Taylor unties him and Herman gives the kids a speech from Cool Hand Luke, where he threatens to put any further misbehaving kids into the box – aka pillow fort. From then on they play with puppets, classic board games, and Rice Krispy Treats and by the end of the night, he has not only won over the kids, but the teenagers as well. He sends Taylor to take his friends home, and then tells silly stories fireside to the kids. When Wood and Ava return, they let Herman stay asleep on the couch, happy in the fact that they now have themselves a terrific ‘nanny’. 5/7/20
• 039. The Au Pair Affair – 1/27/1992
  • A nearby college is bringing in a group of Italian graduate students to help place them for work in exchange for room and board so Evan suggests that Ava might like an Au Pair to help with the baby. Wood is against it because he likes his privacy and figures that Ava wouldn’t want another woman in the house, but to his surprise, she is all for it. When the beautiful Maria (Fabiana Udenio) arrives, Ava quickly becomes threatened when she can seemingly do everything including making fancy breakfasts, hooking up Evan with an interview with a Senator, fix cars, and even get the baby Emily to call her ‘madre’. Freida meanwhile has brought home her own Italian student Antonio (Domenic Cina), who doesn’t speak English and keeps quiet while she talks incessantly. When Antonio relates that it is Maria’s birthday, Wood and the kids decide to throw her a party and bring in a local opera singer from Piggott named Paolo Prince Minnelli (Dom DeLuise). Eventually Ava loses her cool when she feels cast aside and nearly has a meltdown at the party, but Wood quickly quiets her and has Herman get rid of Paolo. Later Ava tells Maria that she is doing an awesome job, but she has to fire her because she feels that she shouldn’t feel threatened or in competition on her own home. Maria is fine with that as she is planning to move to Conway to be with Antonio, her true love. Maria also admits that she understands jealousy as she can’t get a word in with her boyfriend whenever Freida is around. The two ladies embrace, and Ava gladly accepts legal advice regarding a case she is working on. NOTE: Ava refers to their baby as Frances in this episode. 5/8/20
• 040. Goin’ to the Chapel: Part 1 – 2/3/1992
  • Evan and Fontana spend a romantic evening together, during which Evan proposes to Fontana and she accepts, despite that fact that at 33, she is roughly half his age. The next morning his housekeeper Francis reads him the riot act about getting engaged to a woman so young. Meanwhile at the Newton house, Wood tries to spend a quiet morning at home with Ava when Fredia shows up with her new Norwegian foreign exchange student Thor (Pepper Sweeney) who speaks no English. Merleen then shows up to meet Harlan who will be showing up an hour later, so they can run to the hardware store to pick up some bolts to build a gazebo that is supposed to be a replica of one from Gone with the Wind. When Freida tells her there is no gazebo in the film, Merleen breaks down in tears. The real reason is that Merleen has received a letter from an adoption agency where she once gave up a child as a fifteen-year-old, and the child now wants to see her. Although she has always wanted to see the child, she has never told Harlan about it. When Harlan shows up early, Marlene wants Wood to deliver the news, but Harlan has news of his own about Evan getting married. This enrages Freida and upsets Ava and reduces her to tears, so she sends Wood over to talk to him… although he is very unclear about what the mission is. He has to leave to see Evan before he can tell Harlan the news, so Marlene starts to deliver the news to him. NOTE: This is the first part of a three-part episode. 8/20/20
• 041. Goin’ to the Chapel: Part 2 – 2/24/1992
  • Wood goes to see Evan and shares Ava and Freida’s concerns about him marrying Fontana, although he personally has no qualms about it. Freida comes over as well with Thor in tow, and she has a meltdown worrying about Fontana inheriting his share of the newspaper and family fortune. Evan insists that this is what will make him happy. After Freida and Thor leave Evan’s house, Nub shows up with the news that Evan’s ex-girlfriend Irna Wallingsford (Alice Ghostley) just bought a gun to kill Evan. Merleen finally delivers her news to Harlan while he is in the bathtub, giving him the prelude that she will leave if those are his wishes. Harlan reveals that he has always known about the baby but figured that she would tell him in her good time, even after 27 years of marriage. The guys all meet at Blue’s to discuss the goings-on, and whether or not they should throw Evan a bachelor party. Will is in favor it and wants to attend… but they can’t decide how to have an exotic dancer jump out of the cake when he is marrying an exotic dancer. Irna shows up and tells Wood to relay her congratulations to Evan. Although Wood believes that she merely bought a pistol for protection, he insists that she point her purse in a different direction. Blue offers up his place for a BBQ party with the guys singing Four Tops songs. Fontana’s father Billy Beausoleil (Jerry Hardin) comes by and demands that Wood warn Evan that his daughter can’t marry a liberal who supports raising the cost of license plates, and that if she goes through with it, he will disown Fontana. Then Fontana shows up and tells Wood that he needs to tell Evan that the wedding is off since no one approves and it is ruining everyone’s lives. NOTE: This is the second part of a three-part episode. 8/21/20
• 042. Goin’ to the Chapel: Part 3 – 3/2/1992
  • On the day that Merleen is going to meet her child, she works on Evan’s hair and winds up accidentally dying it bright red. Wood comes to deliver the news to Evan that Fontana is calling off the wedding because of what everyone in town seems to be saying. He heads over to Blue’s to see her, red hair and all. Merleen is also waiting at Blue’s to meet her long-lost child. When Nub brings her flowers from Wood, she nearly freaks out thinking that her child is Nub. Then Diane Mitchell (Daryle Ann Lindley) from Social Services shows up and brings her child… and it is Fontana. Everyone in the bar is reduced to emotional tears as the two profess their love and admiration for each other. Fontana calls it both the happiest and saddest day of her life, because of having to call of her wedding. Since one of the reasons is her family’s disapproval, Merleen gives her approval as her ‘other’ family. By the time Evan gets there to see her, she is ready to move forward with the wedding. Evan gets his hair fixed and everyone holds a rehearsal dinner at Blue’s, with Wood, Harlan, Herman, Ponder, and Will do a lip-synced dance to Baby I Need Your Lovin’.  Freida does a reading from the Greek tragedy Madea, which involves killing the bride and groom. Only Irna seems to approve. Ponder then gives a toast to the couple. Ava privately wishes her father good luck and admits that her negative feelings had little to do with Fontana, but that she had gotten used to him being the only person who belonged just to her. She also expresses her appreciation for him being such a great father after losing her mother. The wedding proceeds without a hitch… except for a car’s backfire that they mistake for Irna’s gunfire. She behaves herself and Evan and Fontana are pronounced man and wife by the minister (Edward Penn). Irna catches the bouquet as they leave the church. 12/5/20
• 043. Play Herman for Me – 3/9/1992
  • Wood’s car has been at the shop Ed’s Garage for two days and he is anxious to get him back. The mechanic Shirley (Quinn Cummings) is very ambiguous about when it will be completed, and only that he has ‘clogged ports’. Wood borrows Ponder’s car, but then has to make his BBQ delivers for him. Meanwhile Herman confides in Wood and Ava that Margaret has been sending him erotic letters with her fantasies. Ava advises to do what he can to fulfill them, so Herman shows up at Margaret’s office dressed as a matador. Margaret seems shocked but becomes intrigued and turned on… until she sees the letter that Herman received and tells him that she didn’t write it. Herman wants to get rid of the mystery woman and makes a list of women who it might be. Freida gets angry when she finds out that she is on the list. Herman finally gets a call from the woman and invites her over to his apartment. The mystery woman ends up being Shirley the mechanic, who tries to seduce him when Herman tries to send her home. They are caught by Margaret, as Shirley jumps on top of him and kisses him. Margaret won’t talk to him anymore, and Wood wants his car fix. To fix both issues, he advises Herman to become very unlikeable to Shirley, so he takes her to the La Fleurs French restaurant. Wood and Ava happen to be there, as do Margaret and her friend Mrs. Jeffers (Toni Sawyer). Herman dresses sloppily and acts like a lout, but it won’t deter Shirley from falling for him and trying to kiss him in the restaurant. When they make a scene, Margaret comes over and tells Herman how embarrassed she was for him and that she never want to see him again. Wood finally intervenes and has them all sit down to discuss the situation. Herman tells Shirley that he has already found someone, and that Shirley will find someone because she is a very fine lady. She apologizes and leaves Herman and Margaret to finally profess their feelings for each other, and they make plains to see each other later. Margaret suggests that he bring the matador cape. Kevin Brief is the waiter Hank, who goes by Henri. Lorin Henner is the Maitre d’ 12/4/20
• 044 Callous Hearts of Rage – 3/23/1992
  • Wood and Taylor have been growing apart as he reaches his late teens, the two of them go to a Nirvana concert together. This only widens the gap when Wood is chucked from the mosh pit, and furthermore thinks the music is terrible. Taylor has also created a play in his drama class, and his teacher Miss Ryor (Francesca Buller) has decided to produce it as a school play. On the night of the performance, Taylor’s family and their friends all attend, and are all stunned to see Taylor narrate caricature representations of themselves with Aimee playing Ava, Andrew Philpott playing Wood, and versions of Freida (Lisa Rieffel), Herman, Harlan (Scott Fults) by Randy Cutler, Merleen by Elizabeth (Georgi Irene), and Will (Christa Larson) and Molly (Christa Larson). During intermission, Wood goes behind the curtain to blast Taylor for embarrassing him and everyone else, but Taylor maintains that it is satire. After the play, all of their friends demand revenge on Taylor, but Wood defends him and says they clearly don’t remember what it’s like ot be seventeen. At home that night, Wood and Taylor have a tearful conversation, and Wood confesses that he and his father lost connection, and he had vowed to always communicate to his family… but simply doesn’t know how. Taylor says he’s be happy if they just sit and listen to music together, so they put on some old jazz and do just that. 3/30/21
• 045. Taylor Buys a Car – 4/6/1992
  • Ava is throwing out old junk, and Wood is upset when he finds relics of his past, including the deodorant cans he first sold in a commercial, his old prom jacket, and golf pants. Taylor thinks he is the town joke because he has a ten-speed bike instead of a car, and Wood tells him that he has to earn his own money if he wants one. Taylor decides to sell off the junk that Ava is throwing out in order to make money, and one of the items is scraps of Kenny Rogers’ underwear that he left at the house. Taylor comes up with $400, and then finds out from Merleen that Harlan may be wanting to sell his old, giant convertible as she plans to convert the garage into a chinchilla rescue sanctuary. Wood is dead set against it, but goes to see the car, vowing to stay out of any negotiations. Harlan starts the price at $800 and won’t come down more than $25. Wood can’t help but chime in and make remarks, but eventually Taylor says he can’t afford more than $400 and starts to leave… only to be stopped by Harlan who is ready to sell at the price. Without jumper cables, however, Wood and Taylor are forced to push the car home. Thor escapes his latest foreign exchange house and works his way back to Freida. Evan and Fontana return from their Hawaii honeymoon without tans. Terry Wills is yard sale customer Vern. 3/31/21
• 046. Hasta La Vista, Baby – 5/4/1992
  • The faculty at the Evening Shade High School find out that there are going to be budget cuts resulting in losses of job, so members of the faculty begin placing bets on who it will be. Herman has the dreaded Mr. Nizer (Wayne Dvorak) visit his classroom, and while he is there, Herman is embarrassed by a troublemaker student named Larry Phipps (Seth Green). Later, Wood gets called to the office and returns sullen. Herman promises he will always be there to support Wood, but then Wood tells him that it is not him getting laid off, but Herman. He stops by the Wood household the next day on the way to his first job interview and although he won’t mention where he is interviewing, the family gives him their support. The job turns out being at Doug & Tommy’s Ice Cream Kingdom, where he is hired by Doug Delaney (Nick Toth), half-owner along with his brother with whom he has had a falling out. Herman’s immediate boss turns out to be Larry Phipps, who is assigned to train him. Before Herman learns anything, Larry takes off with his girlfriend Michelle (Bryn Erin). Wood’s family comes in and is surprised to find him there, but since Herman doesn’t know what he is doing, Wood helps him with the family order. Then a man (David Allyn) comes in with his square-dancing troop and overruns the place. Wood continues to help, but they manage to make a disaster of the place trying to serve milkshakes and such. Larry then comes back and sees what a horrible mess the place is, and begins berating Herman, who gets ticked off, tells off Larry for being a punk kid, shoves the mop into him, and quits. Later, back at the school, Herman tells Margaret that he doesn’t blame her if she wants to break up, now that their stations in life have changed, but she is insulted by the implication. She finds him sexy in his carboard uniform crown, and the two go off together for a romantic evening. Jean Ford is a square dancer. 7/26/21
• 047. Cousin Readith – 5/11/1992
  • As Harlan tries to cope with an all-water diet while feeling ravenous at Blue’s, Wood gets a telegram indicating that his cousin Readith Newton is arriving in Evening Shade to stay permanently. Wood can’t stand Readith, who used to beat him up daily for years as a child. Even Harlan and Ponder can’t take him, and they all start to plot their revenge. Ava thinks Wood should behave more maturely, but Wood conspires with his kids on how to drive him out of the house when he first arrives and has dinner with them. As they wait for his arrival, a knock comes at the door, and it is a delivery man (Tom McCleister) who brings the remains of Readith from Hong Kong, where he was killed by a blow to the head by a Meng vase and falling into a plate of Egg Foo Young. Wood and Ava hold a reading of the will at Blue’s in the presence of Harlan, Merleen, Freida, and Ponder. Ava can barely get it read because Harlan keeps talking about his diet, and the fact that Freida had a crush on him in high school because he used to beat up the custodial staff. It turns out he had over a million dollars, but left it to prostitute in Hong Kong. He wants his ashes scattered in Norfolk Lake by loved ones, with Wood giving the eulogy. Wood finally agrees to do it, by taking out Harlan’s boat with the gang. Nub comes along and buries his frog as well. When Wood finally throws the ashes in, they are all splashed by a water skier and they all wind up with muddy ashes all over them. Later at home, Wood recalls a time that Readith saved his life when Wood got a cramp while swimming in the rock quarry. Wood and Ava start talking about death, and Wood says he will accept it gracefully since he’ll be with Ava. 7/26/21
• 048. No Pain, No Gain – 5/18/1992
  • Wood had taken over Drivers Education at school and is struggling to get his goofy student Randy Cutler. Herman tries to cheer him up by offering to help Wood clean up the equipment room. Ava delivers his some news as well: his old football rival Billy Clyde Crawford (Don Meredith), who holds the record for 33 completed passes in a row in one game, even though he lost the game. Nevertheless, he is excited to be featured on the show, and they decide that a nice venue might be at the bowling alley since they always like to have the former sports figure doing something sports-related while being interviewed. Everyone in town makes a fuss of Billy Clyde, and it becomes clear that there is a bragging competition between them, especially when it comes to playing sports with pain. That night Ava seduces Wood in bed, but Wood wakes up with an injured back. Freida comes over the next morning with Thor, and blabs all over town that Wood has a ‘sex injury.’ Wood tries to play down the injury, especially after their competition about playing in pain. However, as they bowl, it becomes painfully obvious that he needs Herman’s assistance just get gutter balls. Herman tries to bowl for him, but gets his finger stuck in the ball, resulting in Wood falling over the ball retriever. That night at home, Wood confesses that it is really his life with his family and his students that makes him happy, and he no longer needs the glory of football. In fact, he decides to tutor Randy Cutler until he passes his driving test. Jim Bentley is the assistant cameraman. Joy Kilpatrick is Edie the bowling alley waitress.  1/28/22
• 049. The Perfect Birthday Party, Sort Of – 5/18/1992
  • Wood and Ava are planning Will’s seventh birthday party, but it looks like they will fall a little short after the kids attend Will’s friend Harper Covington’s circus birthday party. Will wants a party that is themed like pirates, but the best Wood can do is make a pirate hat from a paper plate. After a weekend getaway, Evan and Fontana return from a cabin and agree to come to the birthday party. However, things seem to have gone a little cold when it becomes clear that Evan wants a little more privacy than he’s getting. Meanwhile, Thor is embarrassed of a perm that Freida gave to him. Will brings home his little girlfriend Eleanor Tanaka (Paige Tamada), and she is confident that Will’s party will fall apart. When the actor who is playing Captain Hook at the party breaks his leg, Fontana irritates Evan when she volunteers him to play the role. He ends up gong home without her, and Fontana stays the night at the Newton house. Furthermore, the cake that Ava and Fontana made completely collapses. Herman shows up at the house dressed as Captain Hook, causing Will to start to worry. They then move the party to the Bizzy Bee Pizza place, but they fail to make reservations and the owner Charlie (James Keane) won’t let them in. Herman handles this by telling him that Wood is actually O.J. Simpson. Will gets in a fight with Eleanor when she is too bossy, which mirrors the fight between Evan and Fontana, and they all wind up in a tussle in the ball pit. After Fontana lets out her anger, she reveals to Evan that she is pregnant. Evan is thrilled, and whole party celebrates the announcement, along with Will’s birthday. Taylor tries to reconcile the fact that the new baby will be his aunt. Libby Boone is the waitress. Justin Garms is Andrew Delaney. Doren Fein is Sydney. 1/28/22

SEASON 3

Theme music written and performed by Bobby Goldsboro

• 050. First Heroes – 9/21/1992
  • The City Council in Evening Shade wants to tear down the old Farmer’s Mercantile, which was once owned by Wood’s father. Meanwhile, Herman’s girlfriend Margaret starts dating an old boyfriend named Bobby (Robert Fitch). Molly is wearing false eyelashes, Will wants a condom to use as a punching bag, and Ava picks up Taylor from the airport after his summer in Amsterdam to find that he’s now dressing as unbathed hippy with a cape and a cigarette in hand. They all hang out at Blue’s where Bobby and Margaret dance all over the place. Bobby challenges Herman to a dance contest at the school dance contest. Blue starts circulating a petition to save Wood’s father’s store, but only gets two signatures – both belonging to Nub, who finds out that the wrecking ball will destroy it at 6am. Wood heads directly there from the dance and handcuffs himself to the storefront, where Freida, with flask in hand, joins him. Herman turns to Harlan to help him practice for the dance contest that night, and when they arrive at the dance, the host (Jim Bentley) finds out he will be dancing solo. He is so popular with the crowd that he wins the contest, and even gets his hand raised by Bobby and Margaret. Taylor goes to see his father at the site of the Mercantile, with a fresh haircut and minus the cape. He tells Wood that he only did it because his father didn’t tell him to. They have a discussion on how Wood’s father never said that he loved him, but he knew he did. Ponder also joins them and tells Wood that not only was his father a hero to everyone in town by extending credit to those who no one else would, but that even though he never told Wood he was proud of him, as soon as Wood was out of sight he would brag about him. Ponder tells Wood that the store was not his father’s monument, but Wood was. Wood finally decides to give up and go home, and the wrecking ball crashes into the building as they walk home. 6/2/22
• 051. The Diary of Molly Newton – 9/28/1992
  • Wood is having a father-daughter lunch with Molly, but she is wrapped up in her own world of writing in her new diary. Herman and Ponder join them for lunch and talk about the diaries they used to keep. Harlan then comes in and joins them, demanding pie because he’s been so burned out with Merleen’s parents’ visit at their house. Molly’s writing trance is eventually broken when her friends Darla and Julia (Allison Mack) show up to show Molly a picture of Jimmy Jackson (Rider Strong) in his wrestling uniform. Wood is already troubled by the ‘fantasies’ she might be writing down in her diary, but when Ava tells him that she just brought Molly a bra and is allowing her to put on some tasteful makeup. When Molly comes down for breakfast, all of the males in the house are astonished with how big her chest now looks…but are told by Ava to keep quiet. When Darla and Julia comes to pick her up, they are all in the same boat when it comes to their new chest size. Molly leaves her diary behind when she leaves, and Wood can’t help but read her passages about Jimmy. Wood and the gang all have lunch at Blue’s, and chat about men’s inability to let go of their daughters, their fantasy lives, and the interruptions that Harlan’s in-laws are causing. Molly comes in and asks if she can go with the church youth group to the church where the mailman Dole Munson will be showing his slides from his trip to the Holy Land, followed by ice cream and Doug & Tommy’s Ice Cream Kingdom. Wood can’t find any fault with that… until she mentions that Jimmy and his older brother will be picking her up in their van. When they all show up to get her, Wood gets some time with Jimmy, just to make sure he understands what the word ‘no’ means, and then gives him his gas card to make sure the van is full. Later that night, Wood and Herman show up at the point where some go to park with their girlfriends. After Herman annoys a young couple in a car, Wood points out a van that looks like one owned by Jimmy’s brother. They go banging on the door, only to find that it is Harlan and Marlene getting away from her parents. Harlan is furious, and Merlene tells them that they just saw Molly and her friends over at Ponder’s having ice cream. That night, Wood apologizes to Molly for being so crazy, but tells her that he was just overwhelmed when she seemed to grow up so fast. She finds the sentiment sweet and asks him to read Goodnight Moon to her before she goes to sleep. 9/26/22
• 052. You Scratch My Back, I’ll Arrest You – 10/5/1992
  • Herman is looking for another job outside of animal control after he backs over Ms. Boone’s cat Pepper in his car. Nub starts making and selling rock people, which he makes out of rocks and apple heads. He sells them for $1.50 each, or two for $1.60, so most folks can’t resist buying two… even though most of them leave them on the table at Blue’s. Meanwhile, Harlan is finally able rent one of his properties in town. He meets up with the woman named Roxanne Belford (Beverly Leech) at Blue’s to close the deal. She then tells everyone that she is opening a massage parlor on the property. Aunt Freida is naturally up in arms about this, and when Nub gets a massage and makes it sound like it was sexual, Ava starts to wonder if she might need to investigate the place. She asks Wood to go get a massage and investigate to make sure everything is above board. He initially puts up a fight, but when Ava insists, he jumps at the chance. He takes an uncomfortable Ponder with him, and is surprised when he runs into Taylor and his friends, who have shown up to get their friend, and Wood’s player, Steve Duran (Scott Campbell) a massage as part of his bachelor party. Wood drives them all out, and then goes in for his massage with Missy (Melanie Smith). Ponder ends up leaving, but Nub shows up to sell his rock people. Harlan also shows up to fix the pipes and to get a massage as well. He is disappointed when his massage therapist winds up being Herman, who has just started working there. When he realizes how good Herman is, he melts into his massage. Wood tries to get information out of Missy and offers her money to do extra work on him… which lands Wood in jail. Ava shows up to pay his bail and promises to make it up to him by finsishing the massage that Missy started. She also gets Missy to drop the charges. 1/16/23
• 053. What a Night – 10/12/1992
  • Herman and Wood are working to come up with decor for the Mules football banquet, while Taylor suggests that they tone down the pep talk as it puts too much pressure on the perpetually losing team. Meanwhile, Taylor takes out his girlfriend Aimee (now played by Ari Meyers) to Doug & Tommy’s Ice Cream Kingsom. The owner Doug tries to get them to take jobs at the place, but they decline. Then Aimee tells Taylor that she wants out of the relationship because Taylor is too immature for a relationship and mostly hangs out with his friends. After she leaves, another girl named Karen (Holly Fields) walks in looking for a job, inspiring Taylor to take a job there after all. Taylor stops by Blues and talks to the guys about his breakup, his new girlfriend, and the fact that he now wants to quit the football team. The banquet is held at Blue’s, and Wood rides in on a mule and then makes his speech. He tries to tone it down as they introduce the new players for the year, but resorts to talking about winning once again. Some of the guys beg Taylor to return to the team, but Wood will not. Taylor leaves with Karen, disappointed that his dad delivered the pep talk as usual. When he gets back to Karen’s house, she invites him in, and he is surprised to not only find that Karen has an eighteen-month-old baby named Allison, but that Aimee is babysitting for her. Aimee is outraged to find him dating already, but Tyler gets her to tell him that she doesn’t hate him. She starts to tell him more about how she feels but leaves instead. Taylor and Karen have a heartfelt talk about her raising a baby, and her life that will be constant struggling. Taylor suggests that she talk to the high school counselor to see about getting into college. They decide to remain friends and workmates. Taylor goes home but doesn’t want to talk about his bad date with his mother since she ‘wouldn’t understand.’ He then talks with his father, who tells him that he’s not going to try to talk him into playing football, because he wants Taylor to do whatever makes him happy because he loves him. Taylor tells his father that he will see him in practice the next day… and that he loves him too. Burt Reynolds, Sr. makes a cameo appearance as Pop. 1/16/23
• 054. Father-Child Campout – 10/19/1992
  • While Molly is worrying about ducks that are chronically depressed, Wood as an exhausting time at practice when Herman announces to the team that anyone who can’t beat the coach in wind sprints will be off the team, forcing Wood to do 63 of them. He punishes Herman by tying him to the bumper and making him run along the car back home. Meanwhile, Ava finds an invitation to a father-child campout for Will, but he doesn’t want to go because he is worried about older kids coming along. Wood convinces him that he will be there with him, and it will be okay, so Will agrees to go along. Wood convinces Harlan and Herman to come along to act as surrogate fathers for kids that don’t have one. Freida also volunteers to go along so that she can be a surrogate ‘father’ to a girl named Eleanor Tanaka, and Wood agrees, despite the protests from the other guys. Molly gets bitten on the nose by a duck that she gets too close to. Herman’s surrogate Joel (Chauncy Leopardi) and Harlan’s surrogate Johnathan (Arthur Reggie III) both start picking on Will immediately. Doug Delaney’s son Andrew throws up during the hike to Evan’s cabin. Freida has Eleanor carry her shoe tree. Harlan teaches Jonathan how to take a proper nap in the woods. Eleanor tells Freida that she hasn’t gotten enough alone time with Will to talk about their relationship. Herman warns everyone not to wander into the woods, but the kids all go for a hike with Freida. Wood tries to build a fire using a sticks but fails.  When Freida and the kids get back, they tell Wood and the guys that Freida got them lost and the batteries ran out on her flashlight, but it was Will who got them back to the trail and home safely. His father joins the other kids by telling him what a hero he was, but Will says it was no big deal. Wood tries to feed them foods that the Indians would have made, but Doug prepares them microwavable Bundt cake and mac and cheese. After dinner, Wood tells the kids ghost stories about an escaped lunatic, but it is Will who scares everyone when he appears at the window in a hockey mask. Before they go to sleep in the cabin, Wood reiterates to Will that he was a hero that night, then gives him his blanket to help him sleep. 7/4/23
• 055. The Hole Story – 10/26/1992
  • The Newton kids have been staying at Evan’s house while Fontana is out of town. Nub is having a personal crisis because he fears he isn’t living up to his full potential with his job delivering newspapers, but Evan doesn’t give him any helpful advice. When Wood stops by to see the kids, Evan tells him that he was considering turning their spare room into a room for the baby and wants Wood’s advice. When Wood takes him in to see the room, Wood notices that there is a hole smashed through the wall. Evan admits that he got up in the middle of the night with the idea of adding a new window in the nursery, but after putting one hole in wall, he decided to think about it more in the morning. Evan wants Wood to help spackle over the hole in the wall, but Nub notices when he is delivering the spackle, he notes that the sun makes an image of Abraham Lincoln on the wall across from the hole. After Nub passes this information around town, people start lining up outside of Evan’s door who want to see the president. Both Will and Molly are thrilled with the Lincoln shadow and plead with their grandfather not to cover it up. Later, Nub shows up conducting tours through the house while Evan is trying to have breakfast. Evan doesn’t want people in his house, and one tourist named Betty (Marji Martin) and her little girl (Brandlyn Whitaker) accuse him of being undemocratic and another tourist named Joe (Glen Veteto) accuses him of hiding something. Nub tries to guilt him for not supporting his dream to advance his vocation. Evan finally gives in and tells them to go look at the image. Wood stops by with the kids, and Evan admits that it wasn’t normal to bang the hole in the wall, but he is feeling anxious about his impending fatherhood. Wood tells him that he was clearly a good father for Ava to turn out as great as she did, so there is no reason to think that he won’t be a good father with the next child. When Nub unveils the Lincoln image on the wall, the tourists are disappointed and expected more. Nub decides that the job of tour guide isn’t for him. Wood starts to plug up the hole, and the kids agree that the hole is dumb. Wood tells them not to discount their imagination and even if the tourists think it is a sham, she should continue with the same imagination that Lincoln had. Molly reads some words about Lincoln’s greatness and courage. Evan suddenly stops Wood from patching up the hole, and instead they get a frame to attach to the wall to cover the hole, but will still allow sunlight to create the Lincoln image on the wall. 7/4/23
• 056. Harlan Deals a Meal – 11/9/1992
  • Will is asking his father to define a French kiss, but Nub is even more interested in the answer because he has gotten a date with ditch digger Amanda Goodacre. Meanwhile, Harlan is having a bad day because he had to write his check for his malpractice insurance, and he is dealing with his diet using Richard Simmons’ Deal-a-Meal. He has already lost fifteen pounds, so Herman tries to talk him into writing a letter to Richard Simmons (himself) to tell him how much success he’s had… even though in truth, Harlan has added some of his own cards. Merleen suspects that Simmons is manufacturing people with excess lost fat from his customers. Nub asks Wood and Herman for dates, and then decides on going to a drive-in movie, which he expects Herman to take him to. During the date, they go wild in the back of the car while Herman tries to watch the movie. When Nub leaves to go to the concession stand, Amanda throws herself at Herman, who has trouble physically fighting off her advances. Merleen invites everyone over for a dinner party in which all of the guests are required to wear hats. During the party, Richard Simmons shows up to invite Harlan to come on one of his TV shows while on tour for Sweatin’ to the Oldies. Harlan hides and won’t explain why, but Wood and Ava cover for him. Richard tells everyone he’ll come back the next day because he wants to find the person who lost 150 pounds. Wood is furious that he lied to Simmons, but it gets even worse when he admits that he sent in a picture of Herman in place of himself. Nub challenges Herman to a duel, but doesn’t want to use guns so no one gets hurt. Nub demands that Herman choose the weapon and Herman chooses Chinese food, but since the nearest Chinese place is in Jonesboro, there’s little chance it will ever happen. Harlan begs Herman to pose as him when he meets Richard Simmons, so he reluctantly agrees. They all show up at Harlan’s house the next day, and Richard films a segment with Herman. Harlan can stand it no more and admits that he’s Harlan and only lost fifteen pounds. Richard embraces him and tells him that he still should be proud that he lost fifteen pounds, and told him he’d stop back and check on him again. Mercedes Brynton is Richard’s assistant Heidi. 6/1/22
• 057. The Resurrection of Wood Newton – 11/16/1992
  • On the morning after another big loss on the field, Ava is getting ready for a big magazine photo spread after being nominated to be Arkansas Prosecuting Attorney of the Year, Molly is writing a report about a member of her family and all of her likes and dislikes about that person, and Wood finds out from Evan that his local paper has printed his obituary. The cause of death is that he was kicked in the head by the team mascot Carl the Mule. Over lunch at Blue’s, Merleen discloses that she and Harlan have a pact to contact one another if one of them dies. Freida joins them, and everyone discusses the merits of the obituary and how successful it makes him sound. Ava comes in with more good news when one of her friends on the Supreme Court tells her that they are going to uphold one of her convictions since her case was nearly flawless. Wood tells her what a rotten day he is having, so she offers to send the kids to her father’s place so they can have an evening alone. That night when they hit the bedroom, Wood finds he can’t perform for the first time in his life. Ava has Wood go to see Harlan to see if there are any other physical issues that could have caused this. Wood asks Harlan if it is possible that a certain part of his body – like his knee – could just give out. Harlan tells him that they can give him a new knee made of plastic. Harlan suspects what his real problem is and gives him a physical. Afterward, he heads over to Blue’s, where Freida is having a coffee and has already heard about Wood’s problem. Virgil recommends a good night’s sleep and a self-help book. Doug Delaney also stops by and offers his two cents concerning Wood’s problem. Nub gives Wood an alarm clock in order to help him with his issue of ‘getting up’. Ponder tells Wood that he had long ago thrown away the recipe for his barbecue sauce, because he got tired of putting pressure on himself to follow it perfectly. He tells Wood to metaphorically ‘tear up the recipe.’ Wood returns home that night and suggests that he and Ava sleep in the living room for fun. They read Molly’s report, which turns out to be about Wood. She says that after seeing her father’s pseudo-obituary that it wasn’t any of the things written about his football career that impressed her, but rather all of the great things he has done as her father. Ava also tells him that so many of her fellow law students would quit because their husbands couldn’t take it, but Wood was always so supportive that she considers him to part of every success she’s had. She says that she wants to help with any problem he may ever have, at which point he tells her that he doesn’t think they have a problem any longer. Andrea Hampton is Harlan’s receptionist. 10/29/23
• 058. The NFL on CBS – 11/23/1992
  • Wood and Ava are getting ready to celebrate their 18th wedding anniversary, so they plan to drive up to Harrison Point and stay at the same bed and breakfast that they stayed on their honeymoon. Herman gives away the fact that Wood has an ear infection, but Harlan is away at a Civil War reenactment of the Battle of Bull Run, so Ava insists that he go see the elderly Dr. Bray. Meanwhile, Wood gets a call from the TV show The NFL Today, and they invite him to come on the show on Sunday, but he tells them that he has anniversary plans. However, when they ask him to come and do game analysis with Terry Bradshaw (himself) and Greg Gumbel (himself) as a replacement for Joe Nameth, Wood runs it by Ava to see if she might want to spend her anniversary in the Big Apple. Since they are going to finally get their original honeymoon room, Ava has her heart set on Harrison Point. Wood thinks she is crazy to even ask him to pass up this opportunity, but she is afraid she’ll wind up alone in the hotel room while he talks football with his friends and refuses to go along. Wood goes to New York for the show and bring Herman along. They check into their suite, and Wood has to insist to the bellhop (Ed Beechner) that they are not gay lovers. After the flight, Wood’s ear is hurting so he takes some more pain pills to keep the room from spinning. Back home, Ava is stewing, while Freida tries to convince her to take revenge while Merlene tries to convince him to forgive Wood. Ponder sets up Blue’s for everyone to come and watch the game, and Evan tells everyone that Wood called him to have Dr. Bray phone in more pain killers. As the production assistant Rita (Caroline Cornell) gets Wood ready for his appearance on the show, Wood is giggly and sleepy and loopy all at the same time, and he exhibits all of these behaviors on the live show as he tries to make sense about running backs and the city of Miami. Fortunately, he also feels guilty and sentimental about Ava and talks on the air about how wonderful she is. When the director (Bernie Casey) tries to cut away from Wood, Herman threatens to spill his drink in the control board. He tells all men to stop watching football and make love to their wives, then tells Ava he loves her, and collapses on the air. Wood comes home with flowers to a most welcoming wife. Greg Dietrich is the technical director. 10/29/23
• 059. The Really Odd Couple – 12/7/1992
  • Herman needs a new place to live since his apartment building is being turned into a condominium, and he can’t pay the $3000 down payment. Margaret tries to help him come up with a budget, but it only allows him a four-dollar clothing allowance. Meanwhile, Freida is in a bad mood ever since her exchange student Thor left her alone, causing her to tick of Merleen by threatening a perfume saleslady during a shopping trip. Ava gets the idea for Herman to move in with Freida, where he can do odd jobs for her in exchange for the room and board. Wood agrees to talk to him when he realizes that Herman will need to stay with a friend if he doesn’t find a place. Freida considers the option and then agrees to him moving in as long as he doesn’t make any noise before 11:30am and does her chores, starting with a pedicure. Margaret doesn’t like the idea of Herman moving in with another woman and stops speaking to him but admits that she couldn’t allow him to move in with her. Freida begins to run the household like a tyrant, making Herman jump through hoops to fulfill all of her chore needs. Wood stops by the house in time to see the bag of Herman’s hair that Freida has gathered from the shower lint trap, and to see Freida force Herman to shave the wooly balls off of her sweater. Herman finally reaches his limit when he finds Freida watching a talk show in the middle of the night and forces Herman to do a Teddy Kennedy impersonation on the phone in order to complain to the call-in show. He tells Freida he can’t stand being there and he heads over to Wood’s in the middle of the night. Wood tells Herman that he will never be happy until he settles the dispute with Freida. When he gets back to the house, he finds Margaret there after Wood sent her over. She understands Herman’s predicament and has decided to resume their relationship. Herman and Margaret agree to become engaged to be engaged. When Freida catches them kissing, she reads them the riot act and tells them that she doesn’t want her house to turn into Basic Instinct. Herman lets loose on her and tells her that he doesn’t deserve to be treated the way she does, and then tells her that he realizes they are both lonely people and asks her if she and he can be friends with one another. Freida agrees to replace Herman’s granola that she threw away. After she goes back to bed, Margaret sneaks back in the window. 3/9/24
• 060. Bring Me the Head of Carl the Mule – 12/14/1992
  • After the team mascot Carl the mule gets loose during a game and rushes the field and bites Taylor on the butt. When an angry mob tries to swarm Carl, Herman takes the mule back to Freida’s house to store him in the garage. Wood is so despondent over the incident combines with the constant losing streak that he decides to quit coaching. Although all of his friends are upset by his quitting, Wood comes into Blue’s the next day happy that he has decided to follow in his father’s footsteps and open a hardware store. Ava arranges to lease an old pet store, and Wood opens up. Business is terrible from the beginning, even with Wood trying to push his wares to every customer, including young Jimmy Jackson, who just wants to buy some tube socks. Wood even tries to give away free white rats. After Wood pushes away a salesman Barry (Mark Fauser), Wood’s family comes in and each of his kids offers to buy something to help their father’s business. Herman takes over the team as head coach and begins drilling the team so hard, that he makes them play catch with each other… literally. Freida is furious about Herman storing the mule at her house. The mule winds up following Wood to the hardware store, where Even comes in to give him some advice, telling him that it isn’t everyone who has a job that so closely aligns with their passion. Wood thinks he may be having a midlife crisis, while Wood says that he doesn’t believe in them, and advises him to just do what he loves and be happy. He thinks Wood just hates to lose and feels embarrassed. Herman tracks the mule down at the store, just before Earl the police officer (Dub Taylor) comes in with Ava and Irna. Wood thinks Carl just doesn’t know what to do with himself and compares him to his own situation. Wood then decides to return to coaching. After the first game, Wood is in a great mood, despite losing by 21 points, because the team lost with dignity. Wood asks Ava why she let him open the hardware store when she knew it would fail, and she said that she just wanted him to be happy, knowing she could always rescue him if needed. He tells her that she is his guardian angel. 3/10/24
• 061. I’ll Be Home for Christmas – 12/21/1992
  • With Christmas approaching, Wood and his family visit the tree lot to pick out their Christmas tree. Harlan is also on hand, playing Santa Claus for the kids. After he deals with a brat kid (Justin Garms) by spilling him off his lap, he gets Will on his lap. He tells Santa that he wants the Super Sport Car Raceway Set, which has been very difficult to find… as Wood reminds ‘Santa’. Although Wood would really like to get it for him, Ava tells him that she’s been unable to find one. The kids pick out a very tiny tree, much to Wood’s annoyance. Taylor is having a rough holiday, as his girlfriend Aimee told him that she didn’t want much, so he gave her blank cassette tapes, causing her to cry. Herman comes over and tells Wood and Ava that he found one of the Raceways at a Toys ‘R’ Us in Forest City, some four hours away. Even though it is Christmas Eve, Wood decides he wants to go get it, so he and Herman take the car and head out. All of their friend come over for the holiday, and Harlan is looking forward to turkey as Merleen is making him eat a mystery meat as part of the Time-Life’s Christmas Around the World package. She is also making him participate in a Brazilian Christmas pageant for everyone called Beat My Ox. Wood calls and tells Ava he had a breakdown. They are stuck at Ron’s Service Center, where a guy named Jesse (Jack Riley) lives with his mother and seventeen cats invites them to have Christmas dinner with them. Wood flat out refuses, so he and Herman spend the evening in the garage. Jesse brings Herman a TV dinner, but accidentally serves Wood cat food. Back home, Harlan and Merleen put on their pageant whereby Harlan dresses as an ox, they dance around, and the Merleen hits him with a stick and kills him… but he then comes back to life, much to everyone’s bewilderment. Wood tells Herman how much he will miss being with his family and reading the Christmas story from the bible. Herman suggests they borrow a bible from the mechanic and that he read it over the phone. Even though they lose power in the garage, Wood does in fact read it, and feels that it was his most poignant reading. Herman is in tears, but he tells Wood it is from his cat allergies. The family agrees that Christmas isn’t the same when they aren’t together. Herman gives Wood a new comb that he got from the restroom, and Wood gives Herman some cinnamon gum. Wood finally makes it back home and presents Will and the family with the Raceway set. Everyone sticks around and puts it together in the living room. 7/22/24
• 062. Freida and the Preacher – 1/4/1993
  • While having ice cream at Doug & Tommy’s Ice Cream Kingdom, Freida expresses her disdain for Doug, but when an attractive customer named Steve Radford (Robert Urich) walks in, Freida is attracted to him instantly. The two bond over their love of Captain Cocoa Crunchy Crunch, even if they are embarrassed to say its name, and they go out and have coffee together. The next morning, Herman tells everyone at Blue’s how Freida is being uncharacteristically nice by making him a Pop Tart. Nub claims that he has ESP lately, and says he knew about these events before they happened, and then remarks how he knew everything everyone was going to say. When Herman goes back home, Freida is getting ready for another date with Steve, but is in a panic as she has tries on all of her outfits and a few of Herman’s but can find nothing she is happy with. Freida demands that Herman critique her bust and makeup, and the forces Herman to wear her lipstick so that she can see what it looks like. When Steve arrives at the door, she makes Herman hide the clothes all over the place and answer the door… which he does still in full lipstick. Steve tells Freida that he was a bit late because of a wedding rehearsal and then reveals that he is the pastor at the First Community Church, where Freida is a member. After the date, Freida shows up at Wood’s house in the middle of the night. Wood and Ava get up to talk to her, but when Wood starts hurling insults, Ava send him back to bed. Freida confesses that she knows their relationship can never last since he is a perfect man, and she is a perfect mess. Ava reminds Freida that she had always taught Ava that when she wants something to go after it. Freida decides to follow her own advice and tells Ava that she will see her in church. That Sunday, Freida arranges for the Woods to host an after-church social at their house. Freida prepares a cake, and then start talking to church ladies Dorothy and Velma (Molly McClure) about sewing and gardening, but the conversation soon digresses into incoherent babble as the ladies realize that Freida has no idea what she is talking about. Freida goes outside to get some air, and Wood follows her, asking her if she is okay. Freida doesn’t understand what the pastor sees in her, but Wood says he is pretty certain that he likes her. He confesses that he never understood what Ava saw in him, but she loved him and that was all that mattered. Freida admits that she didn’t even make the cake just as Steve steps outside and overhears her. He says that it was delicious, even if a bit strong, but it explained why Harlan was reciting limericks inside. Steve says that she reminds him of the woman he dated the night before, and that he has been looking for her again all day. Freida promises to be herself and confesses that she is dying for a cigarette. Nub then shows up, and still claiming that he has ESP says he knew she would want a cigarette. However, he won’t give her one because they are bad for her and gives her some gum instead. 7/22/24
• 063. Private School – 1/18/1993
  • Just after Will and Eleanor make Wood put on a crown and play the evil queen from Snow White, Molly gets her parents’ attention by telling them that she wants to go to Oakwood Academy private school, mostly because her friends Darla and Julia are now attending there. They hear out her request and listen to all of the reasons it would be beneficial to attend a private school but know that it is quite expensive and tells her that it is probably not feasible. Meanwhile, Nub is celebrating his three-and-a-half-week anniversary with his girlfriend Amanda and wants some ideas about what to get her and what to wear and how to fix his hair. Ava and Molly stop in to see Blue after going book shopping so that Molly could get some books about her depression. She also runs into Darla and Julia who are on lunch break at school. As she laments all of the fun things they are doing at Oakwood, Wood and Ava agree to go and at least check out the school. They all make a visit guided by the headmistress Mrs. Hampton (Donna Lynn Leavy) and sit in Ms. Norris’s (Laurie Walters) class. Wood finds it laughable, as Ms. Norris seems to feel guilty when she has to tell a student named Mandy (Bianca Vaughn) that she got an answer wrong. When another girl named Vanessa (Lyric Benson) gets the answer right, she tells her how wonderful she is to put herself on the line, but it doesn’t take away from Mandy’s effort, so they all get an applause. When Wood and Ava are told that the school costs $3000 a year, they say they’ll have to think about it. When Ava asks what the next steps would be, she tells them that they have to go through an evaluation, but not with Molly, but rather with the parents. Nub comes over to the Wood’s house with a sack full of his clothes to ask for help deciding what to wear on his date. One of the jackets is an outdated coat that Wood had sold in a yard sale. Herman winds up offering up Wood’s current jacket and then adding Ava’s sunglasses. Ava comes home furious that Oakwood had left a message at her work that Molly has been rejected at Oakwood because their parental style clashes with that of Oakwood’s. Ava is absolutely livid and storms to Oakwood with Wood following behind her. She reads the riot act to Mrs. Hampton and Ms. Norris about them judging them as parents, as well as criticizing the stupidity of the evaluation questions they use. She tells them that Molly is a wonderful girl, and although they may not be perfect, they have raised a fine, intelligent girl who deserves the best. Mrs. Hampton then tells Ava that perhaps they judged them too hastily. While Wood and Ava later discuss how they can cut some corners by having Wood give up his daily pie at Blue’s, Nub comes in without Wood’s jacket and tells him that he had to use it to put out the fire when Amanda’s pants suit caught afire while they were thumb wrestling at a French restaurant. Molly comes in, and her parents tell her that they are going to take a cue from Oakwood and let her decide whether she wants to attend there or not. Molly has heard about Ava yelling at the teachers and now admits that if Oakwood can’t see how great her parents are, then must not be that great of a school after all. Ultimately, she decides not to go… so Wood orders his piece of pie. 11/20/24
• 064. Ava Takes a Shower: Part 1 – 2/1/1993
  • Ava, Freida, Marleen, and Fontana all congregate at the Hair Hut beauty salon for cuts and gossip. Fontana snaps back at Freida for the first time when Freida pokes fun at her for being an exotic dancer. Freida encourages her to let it out whenever she needs to. Herman stops by and is yelled out by Freida for melting her bra in the dryer. He also shows off his new security guard uniform, as he has gotten a part time job in Little Rock at the convention center to work the Reba McEntire concert. He tells them that the two of them have become quite friendly and even shared a pizza together after the show. When Fontana feels a major kick from the baby, this prompts Ava to volunteer to throw her a baby shower. Merleen agrees to help with the decorations, and Freida volunteers to bring the onion dip. Back at home, Wood and the kids work on planning out preparing a ham dinner. Ava comes home and makes Wood give his opinion on her hair, and he makes the mistake of saying he doesn’t care for it. Wood is told that he has to attend the baby shower as it will be for couples. Evan stops by with a baby stroller in pieces that he hints around that he wants Wood to help him with. Merleen comes over as well, and she shows off some decorations that she purchased, but Ava doesn’t think they are appropriate as they are all Halloween-themed. This greatly offends Merleen, and she laments the fact that Ava shut her out the next day at Blue’s. When Ava comes to the restaurant, she also tells Freida that she doesn’t need to bring her onion dip, causing her to get offended as well. Ava wants to make the shower extra special, so she talks Herman into taking her to the convention center where Reba is playing on a double-bill with Vince Gill. As they approach Reba’s dressing room, Herman admits that he doesn’t really know Reba and merely ate her leftover pizza that she left outside her door. Nevertheless, Reba and her hulking assistant Cindy (Rhonda Bates) let Ava come into the dressing room, thinking that Ava is a reporter for Time magazine. Ava then proceeds to ask Reba to come to Evening Shade and sing a couple of songs at Fontana’s baby shower. Reba says she’s done a lot of singing at strange locations, but has never done a baby shower, and doesn’t intend to. Ava tells her that she won’t leave until she agrees to come to the shower, so Cindy calls security. The guard who shows up in Herman, who goes through the motion of putting Ava against the wall. NOTE: This is the first of a two-part episode. Anastasia Barzee is Verona the hairdresser. 11/20/24

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