The Terrible Catsafterme

SEASON 1 – FOX

Created by Larry Willmore, based on the stand-up comedy of Bernie Mac

Theme song written by Stanley Smith

• 001. Pilot – 11/14/2001
  • Bernie Mac (himself aka Bernie McCullough) is a stand-up comedian living in Los Angeles with his wife Wanda (Kellita Smith), who has to take care for his sister’s three kids Vanessa (Camille Winbush), Jordan (Jeremy Suarez), and Bryana Thompkins (Dee Dee Davis), when their mother Stacey enters rehab. Bernie addresses ‘America’ and tells the tale of how he picked them up from the airport and encountered problems immediately when Jordan has a meltdown. He introduces the rules of the house including not touching any of his things. He later has to pick up Jordan’s asthma medicine at the drug store, where Jordan has an accident and pees on the photo counter as Bernie frantically tries to get him to the restroom. Bernie gives Vanessa a hard time when she disrespects him in front of his friends Chuy (Carlos Mencia), Kelly Perine (himself), and W.B. (Reginald Ballard). She ends up calling Children’s Services about Bernie’s threats and language, and Bernie has to meet with social worker Brad Cooley (Matt Besser) who tells him he needs to quit smoking his cigars. Bernie regains some his composure when Wanda encourages Vanessa to apologize to him. Jordan apologizes as well, although Bernie isn’t sure what he did. 2/14/15

• 002. Now You Got It! – 11/14/2001
  • Bernie is planning a trip to Las Vegas with his friends Carlos, W.B., and Kelly (Michael Ralph), but they bet him that he will get sick from the kids at Bryana’s upcoming birthday party. The school teacher Joan Lefko (Meagan Fay) insists that if Bryana invites one child in the class, she has to invite them all. Starting with ‘Patient Zero’ (Kristin Kaveney), the flu is passed from one child to another and all three of the kids end up sick. Bernie avoids catching it, until he eats a piece of the leftover birthday case, and then he is stricken and has to miss leaving for Vegas. Vanessa and Jordan recover and go to school, but Bryana stays home with Bernie and will not allow him to get any rest, insisting that he play with her all day. Bernie struggles though playing dolls, parade, hide and seek, and listening to Bryana read to him. Bernie deduces that Bryan is dull and boring and has to resort to playing Blackjack with the kids instead of going to Vegas. 2/14/15
• 003. The Main Event – 11/21/2001
  • Sugar Ray Leonard (himself) helps Bernie work through his situation with Jordan, simply that he is getting bullied by some neighborhood kids and is punched out by a girl. Bernie teaches him how to act crazy when he is bullied, and soon finds that Jordan has now become the bully at school. Bernie is called into school by the ‘Dean of Discipline’ Father Cronin (Wade Andrew Williams) to witness it. Bernie comes to realize that he himself is a bully and Jordan is following his example. Bernie apologizes for this and makes Jordan promise that he won’t be a bully at school, so Jordan continues his bullying ways at home at with the original kids that first bullied him. When he knocks down the girl who hit him, he has sympathy and helps her back up… only to be punched out again. Bernie is proud that Jordan wasn’t a bully to the girl. Garrett Jackman is Byron. 2/17/15
• 004. Bernie Mac, Ladies Man – 11/28/2001
  • With everything running smoothly with the kids, Wanda sets up a play date for the kids, which turns out to be for several kids and three moms, Tracy (Judy Prescott), Carrie (Jeanine Jackson), and Renee (Victoria L. Kelleher). The ladies are extremely impressed with his housekeeping and cooking abilities, but later at Wanda’s company picnic, Bernie comes to resent being referred to by Wanda’s boss Marshall (Dan Gilvezan) as a ‘stay-at-home dad.’ He expresses his anger by getting rough on the softball field, and by sharing his feelings with the couple (June Kyoto Lu, Jack Ong) giving him a mani-pedi and his poker buddies. But when he has to come to the aid of Vanessa to get ready for a 70’s party that she is attending with her friend Michael (Andrew McFarlane), he realizes that being a homemaker is part of what makes up Bernie Mac. Lombardo Boyar takes over the role of Chuy. 2/17/15
• 005. Saving Bernie Mac – 12/5/2001
  • When the kids have no respect for ‘Bernie Mac Day’ on Sunday, the day he has set aside each week during which no kid can initiate conversation with him, Bernie decides that the kids need to attend church so that they will learn about respect and the fear of God. Bernie takes them to First Faith church, but finds the service excruciating long, not to mention that the Bishop (Richard Lawson) calls him out for marketing himself as an ‘Original King.’ When the bishop says that if he can save one more person, the service will be over, so Bernie offers himself up. The plan backfires when the bishop ends the service and Bernie has to spend a few more hours with new member initiation. Members of the church start requesting favors of Bernie, and the Bishop and Deacon (Russell Andrews) show up at Bernie’s house during his poker night, later requesting that he devote his home during that time to Bible Study classes for the church members. Bernie has to then ‘break up’ with the church. He is back to “Bernie Mac Day” on Sunday… until Bryana requests going to church. Bernie says he can’t stand the long service, but Jordan introduces him to the one-hour Catholic mass which they then attend. Bernie daydreams about church making the kids more respectful. 3/28/15
• 006. Here to Stay – 12/12/2001
  • Bernie is beside himself when he feels like the kids have been treating the house like their own personal free hotel, so he lays down the law about what they can and can’t do, including drawing lines on food item indicating how much they can eat. Wanda feels he is being too strict and threatens to withhold sex until he comes up with a better solution, so he takes them shopping for snacks. However when they seem to have no idea about the value of money, he decides to give them each a $5 allowance if they do their chores. The do them for one week, but then start slacking. As Bernie is berating them, he finds that Jordan has purchased an expensive telescope by buying generic inhalers and pocketing the money. Bernie ground Jordan from the TV, which causes Vanessa to start referring to him as a warden, and expressing her disdain. While he is yelling at her, he realizes Jordan is nowhere to be found. The family scours the neighborhood with no luck, but ends up finding him using his telescope on the roof. Jordan is homesick and trying to see Chicago. Bernie takes pity on him and un-grounds him. Vanessa gives Bernie a hug for finding her brother, but then turns icy again right away. 3/28/15
• 007. A Christmas Story – 12/19/2001
  • Bernie is excited to surprise the kids with a bountiful Christmas, but his plans to take them window shopping are thwarted when they find a dog they name Buddy and attempt to conceal him from Bernie. In the process of hiding the dog, Bernie is first convinced the kids are looking for their gifts, then that they are scoping the size shirt he wears, and finally that they wrecked the kitchen and pooped on the floor. Once he finds out about Buddy, he pretends to send him away when he really intends to give him to them for Christmas. However they think Bernie has ruined Christmas and start destroying things around the house. Bernie then decides to take the dog back for real, just as the kids discover that Bernie is getting Buddy back and decide to be nice. Bernie retrieves the dog, but soon the kids grow tired of him and Jordan and Vanessa attempt to abandon him. But when they see how upset it makes Bryana, they all team up and retrieve him from the shelter where another man (Rif Hutton) has just purchased him. Bernie feels great about how the older kids stepped up, and even better when he gets a gift from them. In the other room, Buddy says goodbye to Bryana and disappears, proving that the dog was actually a Christmas angel. 6/24/15
• 008. Starting School – 1/2/2002
  • Bernie advises the audience to send their kids to boarding school as he recounts the disastrous first day he had getting the kids ready for their first day at school. Bernie and his wife had arranged for Bryana to go to the child-centric Wellington, and Bernie has trouble trying to control her hair, ruining his favorite shirt with hair oil. Jordan will be attending the Damien Catholic school, which is under the strict guidance of Father Sean Cronin. Jordan pretends to be sick and even manages to throw up on Bernie’s second favorite shirt, but Bernie still forces him to go to school. He arrives at school and runs right up to a friend, which make Bernie irritated that he tried so hard to get out of it. Vanessa will be going to Baja Vista High School, where the teachers rarely give homework, but is having trouble getting her hair to look right. Bernie tries to comfort her, but she blows him off, much to Bernie’s chagrin. Amy Hill is the teacher at Baja Vista . 6/26/15
• 009. Hot, Hot, Hot – 1/16/2002
  • Bernie is in a horrible mood in the middle of a January California heat wave, and his mood doesn’t improve when Wanda talks him into taking the kids to Splash Canyon Water Park. The trip ends abruptly when they get in a traffic jam and the kids get a Sticky Chew in Wanda’s hair. When they get home, the air conditioner goes out and Bernie turns to a repairman (Christopher Darga) hellbent on tripling his rate when he sees that Bernie is rich. When Bernie keeps punishing the kids, they lock him outside while Wanda goes to have her hair done. Bernie gets more and more infuriated as the kids taunt him from inside. Eventually Bryana winds up outside and they engage in a water fight with the Vanessa and Jordan. Bernie ends up having a fun time with them and they all attack Wanda when she returns. Still Bernie insists on punishing them for locking him out… which causes them to lock him in his den. 8/24/15
• 010. Wanda’s Week Off – 1/23/2002
  • Bernie lets Wanda sit with him and address ‘America’ about the week she spends at home off work, during which she wants to try to act motherly with the children. She learns the difficult way that they are not easy to wake up, nor please, as she gets them ready for school. However when she realizes that she has successfully taught Bryana to tie her shoe, she gets excited… and even more so when she runs into her pregnant friend Patricia (Judith Scott) and gets ‘baby fever.’ Bernie is horrified by the notion, which upsets Wanda and causes her to leave for a massage and milkshake, leaving Bernie alone with the kids to make candles. She finally returns and apologizes for not living up to her promise to the kids, and they all perform a Karaoke rendition of Proud Mary. Bernie finally tells Wanda that they can keep the idea of a baby on the table, but confesses to ‘America’ that there’s no way on earth he will become a father at his age. 8/24/15
• 011. The King and I – 1/30/2002
  • Bernie begins to realize that Jordan and Bryana only obey him when they get the signal from Nessa, who seems to hold all of the authority with them. At first he tries to confront her, but then retaliates by refusing to intervene with Nessa looks to him to discipline the younger kids when they keep interrupting her slumber party with the cheerleading squad she just joined. Bernie decides to just give Nessa all of the authority, but is surprised when she says she doesn’t want it and just wants to be left alone. Following her request, neither Bernie nor Wanda show up for the first game she cheers for. She comes home inconsolable, but then finds out that they had converted Bernie’s weight room into her own room. She is excited about her new room, and they promise to attend any upcoming games, but she still has to note that her new room doesn’t have cable. Brenda Song is Nessa’s friend Shannon, and Cindy Lu is Shannon’s mother Susan. 11/21/15
• 012. Hall of Fame – 2/6/2002
  • When Bryana gets a Citizenship award certificate to put in the Mac Hall of Fame with all of his trophies, Jordan becomes determined to win one to contribute as well. When he finds out that he can get a participation trophy for playing football for Damien, he asks Bernie to sign him up. Jordan is terrible and Bernie is embarrassed, but when Jordan overhears Bernie say that a team trophy would be worthless, Jordan steps up his game. In face he becomes the star of the team and gets nicknamed “Torpedo.” Wanda and Nessa concerned that he is overdoing it, especially with his asthma. During the championship it becomes obvious that Jordan’s ribs are injured as well. Bernie finally decides to pull him before he gets injured, but Father Cronin talks him into putting him back in. Jordan ends up injuring his ‘pebbles’ and he gets pulled anyway, and Jordan ultimately loses. Jordan is depressed, but his team gives him a trophy with a cup on it and it winds up in the Mac Hall of Fame. Super Bowl MVP Marcus Allen appears as himself. Paul Parducci is the coach. 11/22/15
• 013. Handle Your Business – 2/13/2002
  • Bernie is a guest on a radio show for a week with hosts Clyde (Miguel A. Nunez Jr.) and Cheryl (Cleo King), and immediately gets himself in trouble. When prodded, Bernie admits that he’s sleep with actress Halle Berry if Wanda died. This leads to a giant fight and results in Wanda telling Bernie about her crush on their mechanic Roland, and Bernie sleeping in his car. The next day he makes fun of Jordan on the radio, and this results in Jordan hiding in the confessional at school. Bernie makes things right with the kids and convinces him that he uses Jordan for comedic fodder, prompting Jordan to try and be ‘funny’ at home. Then when he talks about the kids’ mother’s drug problem, Vanessa gets angry and ends up calling into the show and tattling on some of Bernie’s faults and indiscretions including his harsh words for Cheryl. Bernie makes an apology to the kids and tells them that his only intention is to make people laugh. Both they and Wanda forgive him… until Wanda has a dream that Bernie and Halle Berry (herself) are standing over Wanda’s casket. Naya Rivera is Donna. Cinematographer Victor Nelli Jr. appears as Richard. 1/21/16
• 014. Back in the Day – 2/20/2002
  • Bernie starts forgetting things and punishing the wrong kid, which makes him feel old and worn down by the kids. Medicine doesn’t seem to help, and during a particular obnoxious moment from Jordan, he suffers an acid reflux attack. Instead of feeling old, he tries to revert to his old days by listening to The Isley Brothers, pulling a poker all-nighter, and playing basketball with the neighborhood kids, which leads to a back injury. Stalked by an older version of himself, he finally resigns himself to being an old man in a wheelchair. However when he finds out that Wanda had enlisted his friend W.B. to take his place in a “Daddy and Me” basketball game, he jumps up, joins the game, and receives a technical foul from the referee (Johanna McKay) for being too aggressive. He ends up pulling the basketball backboard and hoop down on himself. He feels the additional injuries he’s sustained were worth it. Peter Gardner is the doctor. Aria Wallace is Laura. 1/25/16
• 015. Lockdown – 3/6/2002
  • Bernie catches a prowler in his house and chases him out, but then begins to feel very vulnerable and paranoid. His first reaction is to install a burglar alarm, but it keeps going off when he leaves the door open too long, particularly when his neighbor Carl Reiner (himself) distracts him. At one point Bernie nearly gets arrested himself. Bernie’s poker buddies W.B., Chuy, and Kelly scare him even further when they talk about all of the danger in the world. Bernie then decides that he and the kids will always stay together. When Vanessa argues about going to the mall with her friend Shannon (Eileen April Boylan), she gets grounded… and her siblings get grounded right along with her, so no one leaves the house. Wanda advises them that Bernie just cares about them, but advises them to invite all of their friends over. The do just that until the kids all over the house start to drive Bernie crazy and he throws them out. During the ensuing argument, a news broadcast talks about a little girl who died during a gas leak while the rest of her family escaped. Bernie comes to realize that you can’t hide in danger, so they might as well just live their life without the fear. Thomas Vincent Kelly and Jason Matthew Smith are police officers. 4/4/16
• 016. Mac 101 – 3/27/2002
  • After Bernie brags about how he can keep the kids busy with watching videotapes, he starts to worry that they are falling behind after he and the family are invited to have dinner with Vanessa’s friend Shannon’s (now played by Emmy Yu) and her parents Ed (Tzi Ma) and Susan and see how advanced that Shannon and her two brothers are. Bernie decides to have the kids crack down, forcing Bryana to learn Spanish, Jordan to master Chopsticks on the piano, and Vanessa to get her math grade up. Vanessa pushes back and tries to get out of studying, and then sneaks off to a party with Shannon. Bernie follows them to the party and is particularly aghast when he finds that there is alcohol and no adult supervision. Ed forces Shannon to quit gymnastics when he finds out, while Bernie says that Vanessa can stay on the team if she brings her math grades up. After seeing how rigid Shannon’s parents were, Vanessa ends up apologizing for what she did, recognizing that Bernie only cares about her well-being, also asking for help with her math. Bernie decides he can’t take any more of Jordan on the piano. 4/5/16 
• 017. If I Were N-Riched Man – 4/3/2002
  • Bernie is called in to see Bryana’s teacher Miss Lefko after she overhears him use the term “nigger rich” and repeats it in class. Bernie tries to convince the teacher that he grew up using the word in different contexts. This prompts a visit from social service worker Brad Cooley (Matt Besser), who understands the situation and lets Bernie off with a warning to be careful around Miss Lefko. Later when Jordan smashes Bernie’s car door into a fire hydrant, Bernie goes on a tirade and is overheard by Lefko calling him a ‘stupid little beetle.’ Brad returns and warns Bernie to watch his words, and also advises the kids to write down questionable things that Bernie says. Eventually Bernie clams up and refuses to say anything, which irritates everyone around him when he won’t stop the kids from misbehaving. Brad meets with the entire family and promises that anything said is confidential, which gives Bernie the go-ahead to go on a 68-minute tirade against the kids. The kids agree that they don’t want Brad to come back. Bernie gets called down to the teacher one more time when she repeats Bernie’s phrase ‘pain in the ass.’ 7/3/16
• 018. Stop Having Sex – 4/17/2002
  • When Nessa has a pool party, Bernie gets ultra sensitive to her getting too close to any boy, particularly her friend Kevin (Arjay Smith) who holds her hand and gets her phone number. Eventually Bernie cancels the party and throws everyone out. Later Bernie arranges a play date between and Jordan and his friend Byron (Garrett Jackman), but then finds out that Byron’s father David (John Prosky) has a partner named Phil (Chad Einbinder), becoming increasingly paranoid about the physical interaction between Jordan and Byron. Eventually Bernie sends Byron home and then meets David’s wife Brenda (Susan Cash), and realizes that David and Phil are merely writing partners. Jordan doesn’t forgive Bernie, and joins Nessa in a revenge plot, whereby they continuously interrupt Bernie and Wanda as they try to be intimate. The plan works when Wanda forces Bernie to apologize, and then he falls asleep. Wanda however warns the kids not to interrupt their time together again. 7/4/16
• 019. Secrets and Lies – 5/1/2002
  • Bernie’s been on the road and comes home too exhausted to attend a dinner at their friends the Richters to the slight irritation of Wanda. Despite the bed that seems to be falling apart, Bernie gets to sleep until he is invited to attend a Clippers game in which he thinks Michael Jordan will play. In order to not upset Wanda, he has Jordan pretend to have an asthma attack and they go to the game together. Jordan starts to feel bad when he realizes that Wanda worried about him, but Bernie tells him about the merits of white lies. Jordan then starts to lie about nearly everything that will work to his advantage including two nuns (Mary Boucher as Sister Mary, and Carol Kiernan)…and then starts to blackmail Bernie, who responds by threatening to expose the fact that Jordan had Wanda’s cherry tree cut down by the gardener Luis (Luis Cortes). Bernie finally admits his lie to Wanda, then exposes what Jordan did. Wanda then is forced to admit that she didn’t actually attend Bryana’s play in order to get her eyebrows done, and Vanessa has to admit that she sneaked into the Rated R movie Dark Deception. They all realize they need to do better and set an example for Bryana, who is later revealed to be the culprit for damaging Bernie’s bed by jumping on it. 9/27/16
• 020. Kelly’s Heroes – 5/8/2002
  • After a poker game with his friends, Kelly tells him that he and his girlfriend have broken up. Bernie invites him to stay over, but he starts to drive everyone crazy with his constant crying. Eventually Kelly starts to feel better, taking solace in entertaining the kids. This thrills Bernie as it gives him time to himself, and when Kelly tries to leave, Bernie persuades him to stay because Kelly is also doing all of Bernie’s chores. However soon Bernie starts to get jealous how well the kids take to ‘Uncle Kelly’. Bernie tries desperately to complete and become the ‘fun uncle.’ Bernie catches up with them all at the Pizza Fun Zone and confronts Kelly about taking the kids without permission, and his case his made when Bryana gets lost in the game room. Once they locate her, she runs into Uncle Bernie’s arms and wants to go home. Bernie acknowledges that it’s not important to be the fun uncle, but needs to raise them as a parent. Bernie and Kelly make amends, and Kelly leaves to move in with W.B. until his new place is ready. 9/28/16
• 021 & 22. Sweet Home Chicago – 5/15/2002
  • While Bernie is trying to figure out which kid ate his chicken, Wanda tells him that his Cousin D (Don Cheadle) called to tell him that Bernie’s Uncle Elister Dower, a Chicago neighbor who served as his surrogate father, has passed away. Bernie regrets never telling Elister how much he appreciated him, prompting Jordan to admit he at the chicken. They all fly back to Chicago so that Bernie can attend the funeral and the kids can visit with their mother. Bernie experiences an uncomfortable flight to Chicago and then visits with Elister’s late wife Aunt Liva (Irma P. Hall) and Cousin D, who asks Bernie to pay for the coffin. D then proposes the Bernie invest in his idea of creating a comedy club out of an old church. When D won’t let up with his plans even during the funeral, Bernie can take no more and lays into D during the funeral service in front of everyone. Aunt Liva tells Bernie she understands and reassures him that giving D money is as good as flushing it down the toilet. Meanwhile Bernie takes the kids to visit their mother, but she has disappeared from the rehab center. She later calls Bernie and yells at him for missing seeing her, which depresses Vanessa. Bernie attempts to take Wanda, Jordan, and Bryana to his old haunts including his old comedy club and its owner Willie (Cleavant Derricks), and feed them Chicago dogs, which end up making Wanda and Bryana sick… in a big way in a service station bathroom. Vanessa strikes out on her own to try and catch up with her mother, and is confronted by her old friends who are jealous of her new lifestyle and end up hitting her, throwing her shoes, and calling her mother a crackhead. She is further let down again when her mother doesn’t show up to meet her. She ends up calling a sympathetic Bernie to come and get her, and Bernie tearfully tells her the story of how his father often let him down and resorted to stealing form him when he was a toddler. Vanessa decides not to attempt to see her mother any further. Aunt Liva sends Uncle Elister’s old tacklebox home with Bernie, and as Bernie goes through it on the plane, he finds many clippings from his career, as well as his birth certificate indicating that Elister was actually Bernie’s father. Troy Curvey Jr. is the reverend. Gregg Daniel is the coffin salesman. Sharon Madden is the rehab worker. Vanessa’s friends are Jessika Quynn Reynolds, Raquel Lee, Imani Beal-Ampha, and Krysten Leigh Jones. NOTE: This is a one-hour episode that aired in two parts in syndication and on DVD. 12/27/16, 12/28/16

SEASON 2

• 023. Keep It on the Short Grass – 9/18/2002
  • Bernie’s manager Jerry Best (Rick Hoffman) talks him into a charity golf event in which he’ll get to play Matt Damon (himself), a long-time golf rival. Bernie is nervous about having Wanda as his partner, but thinks she’ll be neutralized by Matt’s girlfriend. However upon arrival, Bernie finds that Matt is using Lucy Lawless (herself) as his partner. Bernie and Wanda end up winning the game, but Bernie is furious because Wanda plays much better than him. His tantrum on the course as he attacks his caddy Jordan, cause Wanda to give him the silent treatment when they get home. She finally tells him that the problem is that everything always is about him, and he always has to win. She challenges him to play poker and he ends up winning in the game and all of his friends leave. The end up romantically playing a game of high card, and they make up after Bernie is forced to admit that she kicked his butt in golf and that he’s okay with it. Sportscaster Pat O’Brien appears as himself. 4/3/17
• 024. Goodbye Dolly – 9/25/2002
  • After a fun family day at the beach, Bernie is forced to return to the beach at night to retrieve Bryana leaves her doll baby Precious behind and won’t stop crying. Bernie then decides that Bryana is getting too old to be dependent on the doll, so he tries to tell her that the doll has a disease. When this doesn’t work, Bernie enlists the help of Ice Cube (himself) to figure out what to do, and he suggests ‘killing off’ the doll. Bernie leaves the task to Jordan, but after putting it in a chipper shredder, Jordan hangs the mutilated doll in a tree outside Bryana’s room. Bernie tries to make it up to Bryana by letting her do whatever she wants, which quickly turns her into a monster… forcing Bernie to have to give her a spanking. The two make up, and they both acknowledge that she is growing up. Wanda warns him to appreciate her while she is little, and Bernie realize that one day she’ll turn into another ‘Vanessa.’ 4/3/17
• 025. Carfool – 10/30/2002
  • Bernie is convinced to participate in the carpool with Jordan’s friends parents. At first he has little control over Jordan, Stevie (Marquis Scott), or Kevin (Graham Murdoch), so he lays down the law and soon they are all behaving. However he soon realizes that Jordan is picking on the chubby Kevin, so he insists that Jordan become friends with Kevin. This backfires on him when Kevin’s exceptionally annoying and overbearing parents Ted (Joel McCrary) and Pat (Kinna McInroe) integrate themselves as friends of Bernie. When Kevins catches Jordan wetting the bed one night when he is sleeping over, he blackmails Jordan into being his friend at school. In order to get rid of Ted, Bernie tells Jordan he no longer needs to be friends with Kevin, but Jordan declines in order for Kevin to keep his secret. However when he can take no more, he tells Kevin he’d rather his friends know that he wet the bed than be friends with Kevin. Ted brings Kevin over to apologize, and even though Bernie says that Jordan should decline the apology, Jordan realizes that he had been mean to Kevin, and thus accepts the apology. Bernie is disappointed, but pleased at Jordan’s new maturity. Kimberly Brooks is Stevie’s mother Betty. 11/1/17
• 026. Mac Local 137 – 11/6/2002
  • When Bernie sees how badly the kids have destroyed his back yard, believing his house to be his biggest asset, he puts them all to work at getting it back in shape. The kids however feel like they should be paid for their work. Bernie humors them initially and gives them each $20, but then proceeds to take it all back for the expenses that they incur living there. Led by Vanessa, the kids then all go ‘on strike’ and refuse to do any work, so Bernie brings in a group of skater teenage ‘scabs’ (Jamil Walker Smith, Joel Goulder, Faruq Tauheed) to pay to do the work for them. As Bernie removes the kids’ privileges since they live under his roof, Vanessa again organizes them all to move outside and live inside a tent. As they begin to get cold, wet, and hungry, first Baby Girl, and then Jordan, work their way back inside to the open arms, and food, of Bernie. Vanessa finally comes inside and admits defeat, and Bernie gives her a good talking to about her responsibility to the family. She ends up apologizing to Bernie, who still keeps the scabs around to do odd jobs. 11/2/17
• 027. Welcome to the Jungle – 11/13/2002
  • Jordan brings home his class snake Ka for a school project, which makes Bernie incredibly nervous. She quickly claims the mouse which is meant to be fed to the snake and names it Boo Boo, and then naturally gets very upset when Jordan feeds it to the snake, triggering a battle between the kids. It drives Bernie crazy and he brings in professional TV snake wrangler Jules Sylvester (himself) to analyze the situation. He claims that the home is like an ecosystem and since the snake has been introduced, the kids are reverting to behaving according to animal instincts. Later the snake disappears and Jordan blames Bryana, prompting him to break her ballerina statue. With the snake on the loose in the house, everyone is on edge, and they eventually find it dead in the toilet. The battle continues between the kids and Bernie threatens them with his belt. This has no effect, but Jules informs Bernie that this could all be stopped by the presence of a super-predator. This turns out to be Nessa when the kids’ fighting causes her school project to be destroyed. She deals out her own justice causing balance to be restored to the household. 6/4/18
• 028. Bernie Mac Dance Party – 11/20/2002
  • Bernie finds out from his friends that there is a father-daughter dance coming up at school, but Nessa hasn’t invited him and his feelings are hurt. Despite Bernie dropping several hints, Nessa never mentions the dance. Finally Wanda convinces her to ask him even though she feels that she and Bernie don’t get along. When they head off to the dance, Wanda is left to babysit Jordan and Bryana, and has to contend with a book she is reading to Bryana with a page missing. Meanwhile Jordan has a broken arm and in an attempt to spray paint it, manages to cover the garage and the laundry in paint. Meanwhile Bernie begins to embarrass Nessa eventually with his dancing, and in trying to butter up her teacher Mr. Cowan (Roy Abramsohn). When he announces on the microphone that he is going to be dancing with her on the floor, she runs off to the bathroom. Bernie tries to console her thinking that she is just upset because her real father is in jail, but then learns the truth that she just doesn’t get along with him. Bernie’s feeling are hurt and he starts to leave, but then changes his mind and forces her onto the dancefloor, and although they lose the impromptu dance contest, Nessa actually has fun. Bernie and Nessa arrive home to firetrucks, thanks to a burnt pizza as Wanda attempted to clean up Jordan and his paint disaster. Ruthie Bram is Sarah. Kristin Herrera is Sophia. Reggie Gaskins in the D.J. JoJo aka Joanna Levesque is Michelle Cooper. 6/8/18
• 029. Tryptophan-tasy – 11/27/2002
  • With Thanksgiving coming up, Bernie ensures that he has plenty of turkey for himself by buying an extra, even larger one, for just him at the dinner table. As he is preparing it, Jordan is pretending to be an Indian and is stalking the girls with a tomahawk, and when Nessa gets hold of it and throws it at him, he has to retrieve it from Bernie’s turkey BBQ sauce. Later after dinner, Bernie begins to feel terrible and has to make a b-line to the restroom. By ‘replaying the tape’, Bernie learns that the reason he got sick was because when Jordan retrieved his tomahawk, he turned down the heat of the barbecue so the turkey didn’t fully cook. Bernie tries to watch football but begins having fever dreams that he is a Claymation figure in a TV program called Jive Turkey, in which fighting Jordan, who is still dressed as an Indian. He shoots Jordan and shapes him in a turkey, cooks him, and carves him up. Jordan then re-forms, sucks Bernie into a turkey baster, and sends him down the toilet. Bernie then winds up on the football field, getting tackled by the opposing team. Bernie then falls asleep on the bathroom floor where he dreams that he is flying to an exotic location for Thanksgiving, and encounters Vanessa on the wing destroying the airplane. In his final dream, the kids are all well-behaved… but only because they’ve been replaced by alien replicas who plan to probe and abduct him. When Bernie wakes up, he wonders if his dreams are premonitions that the kids are going to kill him. But when he sees them, Bryana has made him a card, Jordan has videotaped the football game for him, and Vanessa has saved him a piece of pie. He realizes that the kids have learned the true spirit of Thanksgiving. 1/11/19
• 030. The United Front – 12/4/2002
  • Bernie starts to realize that he and Wanda aren’t always on the same page when it comes to the kids’ discipline. She far too enjoys being the fun aunt, but when she allows Nessa to wear a pair of thongs out of the house, Bernie makes it known how important it is to him that they are raised properly and makes her to agree that they be part of a United Front, a concept he likes to United Nations fighting off rogue nations. Wanda quickly grows to hate the reputation she is getting being a ‘bad guy’ and makes an effort to adjust it by taking Nessa shopping while she is grounded. When Bernie catches on, he approaches it from a different angle and tells her she can handle the discipline and will not his protection as part of the United Front. The quickly goes south when she lets Baby Girl have juice before bed, causing her to wet it, and when she can’t control a fight between Jordan and Baby Girl. The final straw comes when she lets Nessa stay behind when the family goes to dinner and they come home and catch her driving Wanda’s car. Wanda hits the ceiling, but realizes she has lost her temper. She goes back in and talks to Nessa, explaining that she had an accident when she was her age and messing around in a car. She still grounds Nessa, who seems genuinely apologetic and gives Wanda a hug. Bernie perplexed why his punishment deliveries go this smoothly. 1/11/19
• 031. The Sweet Life – 12/11/2002
  • Bernie pontificates about how much he enjoys the finer things of life, but has one issue that’s bothering him: a sore shoulder. Wanda and his manager Jerry suggest he see a doctor, so he agrees to go to the Lakers’ doctor (Dennis Dun), who doesn’t fix the shoulder but warns him about his high cholesterol. Bernie is angry because he’d rather be unaware, but his family and friends all go to great lengths to keep him from eating junk food. While hiding some his fast food trash in his neighbor Don Rickles‘ (himself) trash, Don tells him that it isn’t cholesterol he should worry about, but rather to limit his stress. Bernie decides to ignore his doctor and follow Don’s advice, much to the irritation of Wanda. Enjoying his new stress-free lifestyle, Bernie decides to thank Don by bringing him some booze, so Don invites his friends over for a card game to enjoy it and some cigars. One friend Jeremiah (Jack Donner) is on oxygen and his friend Frank (Richard Erdman) drops dead with his face into the nachos. At Frank’s funeral, Don tells Bernie that his late wife used to get on him constantly about his health, but he realized that the most important thing is not the health, but to have someone who cares about it. Bernie apologizes to Wanda and agrees to try eating healthier. They have Don over for a healthy breakfast. Howard Mann is Mel. 1/8/20
• 032. Sin Cup – 1/15/2003
  • Bernie has been putting a lot of faith in the Bible, especially in passages that talk about how to punish your children. When Jordan starts behaving blasphemously by drawing a Juggling Jesus and claiming to be Jesus after doing a magic trick, where a cup of water appears to be empty, Bernie brings in Father Cronin to talk to him. He ends up storming out when he sees how sinful Jordan is when he asks if taking communion is cannibalism, ranting about how Jordan needs a metaphoric ‘sin cup’ to carry his sins in. Bryana overhears this and takes it seriously, and Jordan eggs her on to throw away Bernie’s alcohol and trophies and statues which could be considered idolatrous. Bernie punishes Jordan by having do work at the church, but has to retrieve him to help Bryana give it a rest, especially she she rips up Vanessa’s homework because she did it on Sunday. Jordan gets the idea to make Bryana sin by tempting her to eat a candy apple that she was told no to. This however sends her to her room crying because she now has sin in her cup. Bernie and Jordan give her a talk about how God forgives, and Jordan illustrates how to empty his sin cup by performing his magic trick. 1/9/20
• 033. Bernie Mac Rope-a-Dope – 2/5/2003
  • Bernie complains to America about the quality of the kids books he has been reading, then later stops by Wanda’s office to pick up some ballet shoes for Bryana. Bernie says hello to Wanda’s boss Duke (Wesley Snipes), while the kids run amuck in his office culminating with Jordan shredding his tie in the paper shredder. That night Bernie is so tired from taking care of the kids that he falls asleep while he is talking to Wanda. While dropping the kids off at school and witnessing the crazy way that most parents (Wendy Kamenoff, Timothy Durkin, Jan Linder) talk to their kids, he finds out that Duke and his wife have invited Wanda and him to an adult party. Bernie reluctantly agrees to let Nessa watch the other two while they are gone. When Nessa tries to exercise her authority by not allowing Jordan to bring ice cream into the living room, he rebels by cutting the power in the house, and then jumping out and scaring them while wearing one of Bernie’s decorative tribal masks… which he breaks. At the party, Bernie tries to avoid the topic of kids, but Duke’s wife Vicki (Garcelle Beauvais-Nixon) and guests Robert (Tony Winters) and Deborah (Deborah Dir) drag him into conversation about the kids. When they play a game of Scattergories, Duke and Wanda begin making fun of Bernie when all of his answers revolve around kids personalities, which prompts Bernie to make fun of Duke’s name. While Wanda is furious with Bernie about his behavior, Bernie is furious with Vanessa about the broken mask and denies her payment for babysitting. Bernie ends up going to see Duke to apologize, but it winds up only being half-hearted when Duke has no regard for Bryana when she gets a splinter. When Bernie finds out that Vanessa spanked Jordan for his misbehaviour, he finds new respect for her and pays her handsomely for her babysitting job. Wanda forgives Bernie when she finds out he apologizes to Duke, and she prepares him a nice bubble bath, while she goes downstairs to make the kids’ lunches. Candace Edwards is the impressed office worker.  4/19/20
• 034. Magic Jordan – 2/12/2003
  • Bernie had previously purchased a magic set for Jordan in lieu of getting him the Wooden Willy ventriloquist dummy that he wanted, and he is now paying for it as Jordan continuously annoys him and everyone else with magic tricks. The one person who is impressed with his tricks is Nessa’s friend Jill (Alexa Vega), whom he immediately falls in love with. Bernie is proud when Jordan starts asking questions on how to pursue a girl, and give him advice on how to be smooth, whereas Wanda just encourages him to be himself. Jordan puts on a terrific private magic show for Jill and then tells her that she is the prettiest girl in the world, which earns him a kiss planted on his lips. Nessa catches them and is furious with Jordan, while he falls deeper in love. Meanwhile Wanda is cleaning out the basement and orders him to throw out his old love letters. He disguises them in a box marked as Kitchen Supplies, infuriating her even more. When Jordan crows about his kiss, Bernie is astonished to find out that he has kissed a 14-year old, but warns him that she might break his heart since he is only nine. He doesn’t heed the warning and shows up at her doorstep, where she callously casts him aside and threatens to kill him if he tells anyone they kissed. Jordan is crestfallen and throws out all of his magic stuff. Even Nessa tells Jordan that Jill is an idiot. Bernie makes Jordan feel better by buying him the Wooden Willy dummy that he originally wanted. Magicians Penn Jillette (himself) and Teller (himself) join Bernie in addressing America and discussing magic. Teller performs the bean in the eyelid trick, and both Penn and Teller eat fire. 4/19/20
• 035. Raging Election – 2/26/2003
  • Bernie and Wanda attend the Parents Night at Baja Vista, where Nessa’s teacher (Dennis Bailey) tells them that she is a great student, but should work on coming out of her shell and be more involved. They go home and talk Nessa into running for class Treasurer. She faces strong competition from fellow classmate Chelsea (Danielle Panabaker), who hands out free coupon’s for her father’s arcade. Nessa then talks Bernie into helping her campaign and he agrees to shoot a funny video where he imitates various faculty members. It is enough to get he elected, but the new president Brittney (Emilia Groth) and vice president Craig Sully (Beau Wirick) then talk her into getting Bernie to host the talent show. Meanwhile Jordan enters the Science Fair at Damien and he chooses his subject to be the dung beetle, and his entire entry is a ball of dung. All of the other kids have better projects than Jordan, leading him to believe he is slow. Bernie helps him with his next project, a Spanish Monastery. He winds up doing most of the work and pushes aside Jordan’s ideas of adding figurines attacking the building. When he presents the project to his teacher, Jordan winds up destroying it and setting it on fire. When Bernie goes to get a fire extinguisher, he falls and hurts his back, rendering him unable to attend the talent show. The kids erupt in disappointment when Bernie doesn’t show up, and Craig and Brittney tell her that Bernie was the only reason she got elected. While Bernie is home on painkillers, he calls in a favor with singer India Arie (herself). She shows up and wows everyone by singing he song The Truth. The kids love the performance, but Nessa decides that student government isn’t for her and she is more interested in being a singer. Bernie is disappointed that she is quitting, but when he hears her singing The Truth out on the patio, he realizes that she is a diamond in the rough and a great singer. Ike Bram is the boy with the cricket. Noah Luke is the boy with the marzipan spider, and Talitha Peters is his mother. 8/4/20
• 036. Leaving Los Angeles – 3/12/2003
  • After Bernie’s disappointment with the flu a year earlier, he is poised to take another trip to Las Vegas with his buddies to gamble and see a boxing match. When Wanda has to give a presentation at work, so Bernie is forced to delay his flight so that he can take the kids to the movies before he leaves. He drops the kids in the theater to see Field Goal Kicking Mule while he goes to see Bloody Dead 3. Nessa gets bored during the movie so she wanders into the lobby to talk to her friend Donna and her crush Todd Miller (Andre Jamal Kinney), while Jordan leaves to sneak into the R-rated Jake Fury: Fists of Iron. Bryanna gets scared alone in the theater and wanders into Bernie’s movie where she catches a glimpse of the monsters. Bernie the retrieves Jordan, who gets to see a pair of boobs revealed onscreen before they leave. Bernie is furious and the kids get into a fight as he escorts them all out of theater, and Jordan makes fun of Nessa’s flat chest. Bernie gets them back home, but as he is getting ready to leave, Jordan emulates a karate kick he saw on screen and falls and dislocates his shoulder. He takes him to the hospital and waits to be admitted. Wanda finally shows up to relieve him, but Jordan insists that he go into x-rays with him. He finally finishes up there and heads home, leaving him with his final task of dropping Nessa off at a party on the way to the airport. Unfortunately as they arrive, Nessa gets a crisis of confidence about her flat chest, so Bernie has to take her back home. There he finds that Bryanna is scared of monsters thanks to the film she caught a glimpse of that day. Bernie stays with until she goes to sleep, and then finally gets to the airport and boards the plane. As they are taking off, the flight attendant (Julie Wittner) forces him to turn off his phone just as he gets a call. He worries that it might be one of the kids, so he heads back home. He stays with Bryanna until morning, and also wakes Nessa to tell her that Todd had left a message for her on his phone, and he can tell that the boy likes her. Bernie is forced to admit that he loves the kid and enjoys them almost as much as Vegas. As Bernie narrates his story from home, he imagines scenes from Vegas around him including a slot machine, cocktail waitress (Fawn Irish), and cocktail lounge singer (Creed Bratton). Benjamin Brown is the orderly. Gil Christner is moviegoer  patient Mr. Mazer. Julanne Chidi Hill is the admitting nurse. 8/4/20
• 037. Pink Gold – 3/19/2003
  • Bernie has been working on letting things go, but when he runs into comedian Chris Rock (himself) at the pediatrician’s office and the receptionist (April Pressel) call on Chris before Bernie, he gets more than irritated. While he is fuming over this, Bryana starts playing with sick kids in the waiting area, and consequently gets pink eye. Later Bernie’s manager Jerry brings Chris Rock over for Bernie’s poker game. All of his friends are impressed, but when Chris starts spouting jokes that he heard from Bernie earlier that day, Bernie kicks him out. He explains to his managers that Chris used to steal jokes from him when they were doing stand-up together. Bernie tries to back out of co-hosting the Urban Image Awards with Chris, but Jerry tells him it would be bad P.R. Bernie gets even angrier at Chris when Shaq cancels plans with Bernie to see Chris, who keeps telling Bernie that if he stole any of his jokes it is only because he admires him so much. The two go on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno (himself) hosting, and Bernie gets in a few select insults, but is topped by Chris insulting Bernie with one of Bernie’s own jokes. Meanwhile Jordan is trying desperately to get pink eye so he can skip school, but he only succeeds in giving it to Nessa and Wanda. Finally he gets it… only to find out that he will miss the Air Fair at school and a ride in a helicopter. Bernie and Chris patch things up on the limo ride back to Bernie, but Bernie has him come in and greet the kids so that he winds up with pink eye as well. Chris starts to display the symptoms just as they are ready to on stage for the Urban Image Awards, as Bernie smiles knowingly. Anthony Griffith is the M.C. 11/16/20
• 038. Chess Wars – 4/9/2003
  • After lamenting that he has no one to play chess with, Bernie likes his strategies that he uses with managing the kids to a game of chess. He is dealing with problems with all three of them: Bryana wants a second Nitwit doll which Bernie thinks is mindless, Jordan’s friend Mark (Adrian Santos) introduces him to paintball and Jordan now wants a paintball gun, and Nessa wants to start wearing makeup to school. He tackles the issues one at a time by buying Bryana an education owl doll computer, teaching Jordan to play chess, and telling Nessa she can wear what she wants only if she gets straight A’s in school. Jordan tries to make his own paintball gun, but it causes him to swallow paint. Bryana tells Bernie she is working on a math problem and needs a five dollar bill and five ones…with which she purchases her own Nitwit doll. Jordan continues to learn chess from Bernie until he finally able to beat him. Once he accomplishes that, he asks Bernie if he’ll now play chess with him… angering Bernie that Jordan had only been playing chess for that reason. Mark gives Jordan his paintball gun, telling him that his parents are divorced, so he can easily get another one from his mom. Bryana shows Bernie Jordan’s gun, and he takes it away, and says he’ll never be able to use it unless he is playing with him… of which Bernie has no intention. Jordan and Nessa discuss the fact that Bernie is always a step ahead like a game of chase, so they team up to try and get the best of him. Jordan tells Bryana that he’s going to sneak and play paintball in the vacant lot while Bernie takes Bryana to return her Nitwit. Sure enough Bryana lets it slip, so Bernie goes to the lot, where he takes a gun away from a kid that points it at him. When Jordan tricks him into picking up a flag, everyone begins shooting at him. Bernie has no choice but to return fire… opening the door for Jordan to say that Bernie is now playing with him. Nessa joins in and they both manage to douse Bernie with paint. A messy Bernie addresses America and admits he’s rather surprised that Jordan orchestrated such a ‘chess’ mood, but it won’t stop him from whipping their asses. 11/18/20
• 039. The Incredible Bulk – 4/16/2003
  • Bernie begins to notice that the kids are devouring the food in the house and that his grocery spending is skyrocketing. He tries putting a mousetrap in the snacks, but it ends up getting Wanda. His friends W.B, Chuy, and Kelly introduce him to Cost Depot, where he can stock up on bulk buys. He ends up buying so much that he runs out of room to store it, and has to start moving it to Vanessa’s closet. He returns to buy some shelves, and ends up with another load of equipment. After he gets it all situated, the kids start abusing the large quantities of product by wasting food on a cereal taste test, and flushing rolls of toilet paper down the toilet, causing it to clog and overflow. Jordan gets so sick from trying to eat fifty pudding cups that he throws up in the kitchen. Wanda then buys a shed to lock up all of the bulk food in. Bernie has a key for a while, but when Wanda realizes how much he as been eating, she changes the lock so he can’t get in either. The kids get the idea to lift the shed with a jack, and then roll into it on a creeper. Bernie catches them, but instead of stopping them, he joins in and takes a trip in himself. The kids accidentally knock the jack, and cause him to become trapped inside. Wanda finds him in there the next morning, asleep with his bulk food all over him, including in his ear. Bernie admits his bulk addiction and decides to stay away from Cost Depot. Nevertheless, he still blames the kids. Pat Crawford Brown is the sample lady. 3/9/21
• 040. Maid Man – 4/23/2003
  • Bernie is so exhausted from taking care of the kids and cleaning up after them all day, that he has no energy left for Wanda in the bedroom, falling asleep when she tries to be romantic. Wanda suggests that they get a maid, but Bernie is resistant until Wanda turns him on and leaves him hanging. They interview several maids including a woman (Susan Boyajian) who believes kids are evil, a gay man (Byron Nora), and an old lady (Jeanette Miller) who has an attack and is taken in an ambulance before the interview ends. He then finds a woman named Lydia (Theresa Saldana) who is perfect for the job, and immediately makes the house spic and span, freeing Bernie up to take care of business in the bedroom. Bernie is nice to her, and won’t let the kids abuse her, but they conspire to treat her like a slave and make her respond to their every whim. They start to keep her so busy that her other work starts to slack, and Bernie almost fires her for not cleaning out the refrigerator that he had asked her several times to do. Before he takes any action, he finds out that the kids are the culprit. Bernie tells Lydia to punish them however she would her own kids, so she starts out by smashing the bell that Jordan is using to get her to wait on him. Vanessa tries to tell on her to Bernie, but he tells her that they have been being very disrespectful to her and he authorized her to punish them. The kids then conspire to make her quit by having Jordan drive her crazy. When he spills grape juice on her, she finally has had enough and storms out before she seriously injures him. In order to avoid Bernie’s wrath, the go to him and apologize and create their own punishments. Bernie tells them he is impressed that they seem remorseful, but he then puts them to hard labor doing the laundry and from dawn to dusk. Bernie now utilizes a bell to get Jordan to wait on him like a butler. 3/9/21
• 041. Nut Job – 4/30/2003
  • Bernie is always quick to get up and enjoy his Saturday mornings, but one morning he gets particularly irritated when he gets up at 7am to go play golf, when he returns nearly four hours later, everyone is still in bed… except for Bryana who has been watching cartoons the entire time. He declares that everyone must find an activity to do on Saturdays. Bryana chooses to play soccer, and Bernie forces Jordan to join the Junior Scouts… after Jordan tries to choose jazz dance. He quickly finds out at soccer practice that he won’t be able to simply drink beer and smoke cigars while watching soccer, since the Coach (M. Darnell Suttles) wants the parents involved. Bernie has to bring fruit, clean up goose poop, and then when another father bails out, act as assistant coach. This leads to him taking more than one soccer ball to the nuts. He then has to fill in as referee, and his main job is to keep the girls from ‘bunching’ together. This is harder than it seems, and serves to frustrate everyone. Meanwhile, while he is busy with soccer, Wanda takes on acting as den mother to the scouts. She quickly finds that they are full of annoying a stupid questions that drive her crazy. Nessa hems and haws about which activity she will be doing, before finally setting on dog walking, which ensure that Bernie’s house is often full of dogs. Bernie thinks of way he can get Bryana to quit soccer, but then when she tries to quit on her own because she thinks the team is terrible, he winds up talking her out of it. Things come to a head one afternoon during a soccer game, while Wanda is nearby trying to teach the scouts how to make fire so they can have a cookout. Nessa is walking her dogs in the same park, and they all get loose and chase after the scouts, who are all holding their raw meat. They all wind up on the soccer field, and when Jordan hands off his ground beef to Bernie, and dog bites him his already-injured nuts. As he greets America this time and congratulates those who have their Saturdays free, he can only speak in a high-pitched voice. Alexandra Boyd, Richard Cross, and Keisuke Hoashi are soccer parents. Nia Colemon, Marki Ann Meyer, Faith Shin, and Hope Shin are soccer girls. Justin Lee Cooper, Ryan James, Carter Jenkins as Michael, and Taj Stewart as Mark, are Junior Scouts. 7/6/21
• 042. The Other Sister – 5/7/2003
  • Bernie’s sister Benita “Bee” (Niecy Nash) blows into town with the Santa Ana winds, saying that she’s thinking of settling down in Los Angeles. Wanda is quick to invite her to stay with them, and Bernie doesn’t have much choice but to agree. When Bee tells Bryana that they won’t let her play the lead in the school play Snow White because she’s black, Bryana repeats this to her teacher Ms. Lefko, Bernie has to try and explain it, then tell Bee that it’s not inappropriate. She also lets her chest hang out of her nightgown in front of Jordan, which makes Jordan become obsessed with breasts, and even grab the chest of his teacher Sister Mary. Bernie has to then talk to Father Cronin and hear his hellfire damnation speech. Bernie is furious with Bee, but then softens on her when he overhears telling Nessa that Bernie is doing as well as he can, and then give a good explanation about Rosa Parks to Bryana. However he doesn’t hear Bee tell Bryana about reparations, so Bryana later takes a snack cake from her classmate Kenny (Jake Gridley), demanding that he owes it to her because she is black. Bernie does hear Bee step in and correct her and tell her that she doesn’t mean that she should ever be mean to her friends. He again softens on her, but then when he finds out that she bought Nessa a cell phone against his wishes, he is angry again. This time he lays down the law, and tells her that the kids do not need three parents, and that is she is going to stay there, she needs to respect the rules that only he and Wanda make decisions for the kids. The next day, Bee amicably leaves for Oregon, telling the kids that she found a job there. Bernie slips her a wad of cash on her way out. Jordan later claims to be watching the tape of Bryana’s play that he took, but it is actually a video he filmed during the play of female audience members’ chests. Serena Gabriel is the sexy teacher is Jordan’s fantasy. Melia Lockwood is Melonie, who is playing Snow White. 7/6/21
• 043. Meet the Grandparents – 5/7/2003
  • Wanda’s parents Lloyd (Steven Williams) and Leora (Janet Hubert) come for a visit, and immediately get on Bernie and Wanda’s nerves with their complaints and unsolicited advice. After complaining about the guestroom bed, they wind up taking over Bernie and Wanda’s bed. Lloyd eats Bernie’s frozen fish sticks in the middle of the night. Bernie is ready to kick them out the next morning, but sees that Jordan and Bryana are enjoying the breakfast that Leora made, and are even calling them Grandpa and Grandma. Bernie and Wanda think it is wonderful, and enjoys how much it relieves them of their parental duties. However this too becomes a problem when the grandparents start criticizing the way that Bernie and Wanda parent. Vanessa is stubborn about thinking of them as her grandparents. The grandparents volunteer Bernie to work in Ms. Lefko’s class, and criticize the way that Wanda does the laundry. Before they can complain too much, Bernie and Wanda are happy when the grandparents volunteer to watch the kids while they go off to an art exhibit. They are cocky in saying they’ll have no problem handling them after thirty years of experience. However, they do indeed run into trouble when they can’t catch Bryana to take her to her ballet lessons, Jordan gets stuck up a tree and they have to call the fireman to get him down, and Leora catches Nessa in her room kissing her friend Todd Miller. Bernie and Wanda decide to stay out together later, and try to leave a voice message for them, but the grandparents are able to pick it up. The end up coming home drunk very late at night, laughing at all of the problems her parents had after trying to tell them how to parent. Lloyd is offended and says they plan to leave in the morning. Nessa finally warms up to Leora after she doesn’t tell on her for having Todd over. She confronts Bernie as to why they are leaving after only staying for a few days, sullenly telling him that everyone in her life leaves. Bernie decides to talk them into staying for more family time, knowing that the kids have never really had grandparents before. 12/30/21
• 044. For a Few Dollars More – 5/14/2003
  • Newscaster John Beard covers a story about a low-speed chase on the freeway, where the cops are trailing a child – Jordan – who is floating along in a hot air balloon. Bernie explains that the story began a week earlier, as Bernie and Wanda were preparing for Jordan’s tenth birthday party. Jordan was reluctant to pick any themes or activities, because he had always been let down by his mother whenever she planned a party. They all finally talk him into having a party, and chooses to invite his friends to go bowling. Unfortunately, it was scheduled for the same day as his friend Billy Janetti’s (Duane Carnahan) Sword and Sorcery birthday party. Jordan comes home crestfallen, but Bernie agrees to up the ante by having an alien party arranged by party planner Max Trotter (Orlando Jones), complete with a special surprise, which turns out to be an alien dissection with spaghetti inside. Bernie tries to talk Mr. Janetty (Joe Guzaldo) into changing the times of both parties, but he rudely refuses. Once everyone decides to go to Jordan’s party, Janetty calls Bernie to try and get him to change the party. Bryana, who is jealous of the attention Jordan is getting, spills the beans and tells him about the alien autopsy, so he tells all of the kids, and gets them interested in Billy’s party again. The both host their parties in the same park, and Bernie and Janetty engage in a war of luring the kids from one side of the part to the other. When the live elephant doesn’t work for Bernie, he brings in a hot air balloon. With all of the perks of Jordan’s party, all of the kids flock there, but Jordan is edged out by a bully (Chris J. Nelson) and the bigger kids. Bernie takes him into the front to get him on the hot air balloon. When Janetty announces that he’s brining in go-carts, Bernie attacks him, which causes the elephant to throw a baseball at Bernie… and accidentally release the hot air balloon. Although Jordan is panicked and Bernie apologizes once they get him down 400 miles away, Jordan admits it is the best birthday he ever had. Gregory North aka Greg Zerkle is the autopsy surgeon. Sid Nicholson is the fire eater. Dion Clinton Overstreet, Jr., Wayne Dalglish, Brendan Hill, and Andrew Meeks are Jordan’s friends. 1/1/22

SEASON 3

Theme song: “Who Ya Wit” (extended version), performed by Mask, written by Stanley Smith

• 045. Eye of the Tiger – 11/30/2003
  • Bernie has been tutoring Jordan in basketball in the hopes that he will make the team during tryouts. He discusses this with America and Shaquille O’Neal (himself). However, when Jordan does little more than stand on the court during the tryout, the coach (Billy Jayne) has to cut him from the team. He tries to convince to try out for a different sport, but the only sport he comes up with is the gymnastic teams. He wants to be ‘lord of the rings,’ but when he has trouble developing any upper body strength, he switches to the rhythmic gymnastics – aka ribbon dancing – using the song Eye of the Tiger in his routine. Bernie is very disappointed embarrassed and wants to get him off the team somehow. Vanessa helps Jordan help with the routine, and he is good enough to help the team win their matches. Meanwhile, Wanda is working with Bryana with soccer, and she is become a beast on the field. Bernie has to take Jordan to the athletic supply store for unitards, where he buys him additional sports supplies hoping that he’ll get into something else. When Bernie’s friends find out about Jordan, they all start to poke fun at Bernie and sing Eye of the Tiger. Jordan overhears them and excitedly runs down to do his routine for them, but winds up overhearing Bernie talk about what a sissy Jordan is. Jordan immediately quits the team and starts working with Bernie on basketball again. When Vanessa finds out, she tells Bernie that it was only him and his friends making fun of Jordan, and that Jordan’s friends were all proud of him. She tells Bernie he needs to convince him that he should never quit anything. Bernie convinces Jordan that it really doesn’t matter what he thought of the ribbon routine, as long as Jordan liked what he was doing. At the next gymnastics meet, Bernie enjoys watching Jordan more than before as he dances his heart out to Eye of the Tiger again. After he again helps them win the meet, a girl named Chrissie (Rhyon Nicole Brown) hugs him and invites him out for pizza. Bernie is pleased to see that Jordan considers girls on the team a nice fringe benefit. Michael Dempsey is the clerk at the athletic store. M. Darnell Suttles is the soccer coach. 5/15/22 
• 046. Love Thy Nephew – 12/7/2003
  • Bernie thinks it will be a good idea to fulfill Jordan’s request to build him a treehouse, as it will get him out of Bernie’s hair, Meanwhile a new neighbor named Marcus (Gregg Germann) moves in next door, and when Vanessa sits on his lawn to paint, it appears that the guy turns on his sprinklers to drive her off his property. Bernie asks Wanda to pick up Bryana and her friends from soccer while he talks to Marcus, but she is nervous to let three dirty kids in her car. Bernie guilts her into it, but she is very careful to clean them off since she sees her car as her last piece of ‘Wanda’ identity rather than ‘mom’. Bernie and Vanessa go see Marcus, but Bernie is too lured in by his big TV, Scotch, and Cuban cigars to care much about the sprinklers, which he claims was an accident since he just moved in and doesn’t know how to use them yet. Bernie finishes Jordan’s treehouse and puts a lock on the outside, but tells him that Jordan should consider it his home and play out there whenever he wants. He quickly tires of having to make ‘home improvements’ for Jordan, so when Marcus tells Bernie that the view of the treehouse is disrupting the full effect of his Zen Garden, Bernie isn’t too put off by having to take it down. Jordan however is ready for a stand-off and won’t leave the treehouse. Bryana gets a Star Student bumper sticker from her school and wants Wanda to put it on her car. In order to keep her car sticker-free, Wanda first tries to put it on the refrigerator, and then tells her she is going to frame it in her office. However when her friend (Sarah Joliet) asks why Bryana’s mother hasn’t put the sticker on her car, she tells her that Wanda isn’t her mother, but her aunt. Wanda finally changes her mind and puts the sticker on her car. Jordan finally tells Bernie that the reason he doesn’t want to take the treehouse down is because he and Bernie built it together. This touches Bernie, so he tells Marcus why he won’t remove the treehouse. Marcus turns out to be he highly aggressive lawyer, and tells him that he’s already checked, and the house violates code and he wants it down. Bernie and Jordan decide to stay in the treehouse all night, even though he knows they’ll eventually have to take it down. Marcus tries to blow grill smoke up into the treehouse, but Vanessa gives them water guns that they use to shoot Marcus. In retaliations, Marcus starts ripping apart the plants in his Zen Garden and throwing them into the treehouse. Eventually he gives up, and Bernie and Jordan claim victory since they made it through the night. They also see that Marcus’s garden is completely destroyed. They come in victorious but covered in water and dirt. This time Wanda has given into motherhood, and invites them all in her car to go to breakfast. 5/15/22
• 047. Road to Tradition – 12/14/2003
  • When they receive a Christmas card from the Jewish Lieberstein family, Bernie remembers how much he enjoyed the tradition with his own family of getting their pictures taken at Christmas. He decides to start the tradition with his own family, so they head to the mall. Wanda wants to shop to get her employees stocking stuffers, and the kids want to pick out their gifts, but Bernie is adamant about standing in line for the pictures. However, once he talks to the less-than-enthusiastic photo clerk Elf Mary Ann (Rebecca Corry) and sees how uninspired the photo packages are, he decides to forget it. However, by this time the kids have dispersed to look around the mall. Jordan finds out from a clerk (Guilford Adams) that he has to put down a $15 deposit to secure the Seek & Destroy truck that he wants, he decides to try and find the money at the bottom of the mall fountain, leading him to be picked up by a mall security guard (Jerome Collins). Bryana has found the mall Santa Claus (Matthew Henerson) and is driving him nuts. And Vanessa is scouting the latest phone under the high pressure of a salesman (Aron Kader). He rushes them out, and then decides that it’s not the gift that make Christmas memorable but the traditions. He forces them through Christmas carols, gingerbread house building, decoration making, tree decorating, and egg nog with horseradish, with the kids fully cooperating so that they will get their presents. After a while, they start to ask when they can pick out their gifts, and point out that they’ve been good sports for Bernie’s sake. This hurts his feelings and makes him angry, so he goes out and gets their gifts, dumps them on them, and proceeds to cancel Christmas by taking down all of the decorations. He becomes even more angry when they seem perfectly happy just to play with their new gifts. However, when they see that he’s taken down all of the decorations, they seem stunned and upset. On Christmas Eve, Bernie decides that just he and Wanda will go down Candy Cane Lane to look at the Christmas lights. The kids are left home alone, and bored with Christmas movies on TV. Bernie and Wanda realize how much they miss the kids, so they pick up some Royal Burgers and head home to see them. To their surprise, the kids have put the decorations back up and made a new gingerbread house. When Jordan asks if they can have Royal Burgers every Christmas Eve, Bernie is just happy to see that they’re feeling the spirit of traditions and is glad that they’re starting some of their own, even if the eggnog that Bryana makes is even worse than his. John Balma and Nori Nasso are the neighbors. 9/7/22
• 048. Laughing Matters – 12/21/2003
  • While playing poker with his manager Jerry and his friends Chuy, W.B., and Kelly, Bernie tells everyone that he has landed a dramatic film role as a stroke victim in the movie Conrad’s Prerogative. They chuckle at the notion of him being a serious actor, but he proves his chops by acting like he is angry and throwing them out. Wanda agrees to help Bernie with the kids by taking them to day care at work while Bernie is filming. Meanwhile, Vanessa becomes friends with a girl named Teri (Ashley Monique Clark) at school, who is being bussed from the projects to the school. Vanessa goes along with Teri and pretends that she too has very little money. However, when Teri finds out that she is Bernie Mac’s niece and lives in his house, she turns on Vanessa and calls her ‘boujee’. Jordan is horrified when he gets dropped off at the day care center and the caretaker Molly (Davenia McFadden). He immediately starts plotting how to escape, and he winds up getting out and makes his way to the conference room desk. Wanda returns him to class, so Jordan doubles down on his efforts. After Bernie’s first day of shooting on the set, he gets a big head and turns down a role for a film called Junkyard Dogs. However, when he shows the first day’s takes to Wanda, Jordan, and Bernie’s friends, they all wind up laughing at his performance, causing his head to shrink down to a smaller size. Even Jerry tells Bernie that the studio wanted to make sure he knew he wasn’t playing a comedy. With Vanessa upset by Teri, Bernie gives her the advice to be herself, since she’s no better or worse based on what she now has. Bernie looks for advice himself, and turns to actress Angela Bassett (herself) for acting tips. She advises him to visit with a real stroke victim to research the role, so he heads to the hospital and does just that. The victim, however, can’t stop laughing at Bernie either. Realizing he can’t do justice to the role, he decides to quit, bitter about the fact that he’s been typecasted in comedic roles. While Jordan occupies Molly in class, Bryana sneaks out the room. When Jordan sends Molly to look for her, he takes the rest of the class to the equipment closet, which they all proceed to destroy. Vanessa tries again to apologize to Teri, but she won’t hear it, and one Teri’s friends (Sherica Durdley) also makes fun of Vanessa. She comes home upset again, but Bernie is able to take her mind off of it and makes her laugh. He then realizes that there is no shame in comedy, as it has the ability to make folks forget their troubles. Karen Bankhead is the nurse. Shane Baumel is Billy from day care. C.J. Erasme is the flirtatious boy at school. Chuck Marra is the director. Jacqueline Wong Yu is the voice of the physical therapist. 9/7/22
• 049. Hair Jordan – 1/4/2004
  • Wanda is getting ready to take Jordan to the hair salon with the girls, but Bernie wants him to experience the joys of hanging out with men at Earl’s Barber Shop. Jordan initially makes a nuisance of himself by interrupting a game of checkers between patrons Deacon (Reynaldo Rey) and Schooney (Lee Weaver), and then changes the channel from the basketball game. Likewise, Jordan is initially afraid of all of the bickering going on, but Bernie assures him that this is the way that men talk and have fun with each other. Jordan finally gets his haircut by Wayne (Craig Robinson). Meanwhile, the girls return from getting their hair done and are faced with the smoke alarm going off in the house. They decide as intelligent, competent women, they can fix it themselves. When Wanda later tells Bernie that they fixed the alarm wiring themselves, Bernie has doubts, especially when the light switch makes the doorbell ring. When Jordan comes to the dinner table with his do-rag as well as his salty and sexist language that he picked up at the barbershop, Wanda is angry and takes it out on Bernie. He later has a private conversation with Jordan, telling him that the code dictates that what happens at the barbershop is supposed to stay at the barbershop. In the following days, the women continue working on the wiring, and Bernie and Jordan spend more time at the barbershop. Jordan begins really fitting in, doing magic tricks, and spouting jokes, but when he repeats what Bernie said about Earl Davis (Charlie Robinson) being a shaky barber, Earl gets angry and throws Bernie out of the barbershop. When Bernie gets home, he finds that Wanda has shut off the house’s power in order to stop the burglar alarm. Bernie admits that he himself has no idea how to fix the alarm or the electric in the house and that she should have used the Yellow Pages to start with. He later discusses the way he was kicked out of Earl’s with his poker buddies, and how Jordan failed him by not living by the code. Later, Bernie gets a call from Earl that Jordan is at the barbershop, so Bernie heads down to get him. He finds out that Jordan took three buses to go apologize and offer to help clean up around the shop. When Bernie gets there, Jordan tells him that despite Bernie telling him that the manly way to handle the situation was to just let it work itself out, he felt he needed to apologize since it ruined things for them at the barbershop. Bernie tells Jordan that it took guts to do that, and he thanks Earl for calling him. Jordan decides to get a buzz cut from Earl, but as Bernie predicted, he nicks Jordan’s head a couple of times in the process. 12/27/22
• 050. Love Bug – 1/11/2004
  • Bernie is tired of Jordan’s best friends being the bugs that he brings home… and to the kitchen table. Meanwhile, Wanda tells Bernie that Vanessa is having a male friend named Reggie Smith (Arjay Smith) over to the house. Bernie is up in arms and wants to know everything about him. When Reggie comes over, Bernie demands to see Reggie in his den, whereby he questions him about everything. When he finds out that Bernie is a fan of James Brown, he decides to give him a chance. Seeing himself as a Bernie Macs-imus, he keeps an eye on Reggie to reserve the right to give him a final rating of whether he stays or goes, he witnesses Reggie telling Jordan about old school black music and helping Jordan with his baseball swing. He then the gets the idea that Reggie might be able to be a positive influence on Jordan, so he gives him a thumbs up and offers to take them to the batting cages. All the while, Vanessa starts to get tired of all of the time she is being forced to spend with Bernie and Jordan. When Vanessa and Reggie get ready to watch a scary movie, Bernie invites Jordan and himself to join them, and they watch a move that makes everyone but Vanessa burst out crying. Vanessa decides to break it off with Reggie, causing Bernie to try to use psychology to persuade her that he will never let her date anyone else. Vanessa tells Reggie that she will go out with him again, but they have to change some things in their relationship. Bernie catches them in Vanessa’s room with the door closed but tells Bernie that they’re making a CD for Jordan. Wanda warns Bernie that Vanessa is clever and may outsmart Bernie. She and Reggie later make a Jordan a giant ice cream sundae even though Jordan is lactose intolerant. They tell Bernie that Reggie is going to teach Jordan to do the backstroke, but while they are waiting for an hour to pass after he eats, the two sneak out to the pool in their swimsuits. Bernie finds them and throws Reggie out of the house. Vanessa asks Bernie why he broke them up since he was such a nice guy that Bernie liked. He says that she is too young for a boyfriend, and she tells him that now neither of them have him. Jordan tries to recover from his ice cream. Wanda needs more room for her shoes, so Bernie encourages her to give some of the old ones to the homeless. She goes through them and donates some, but then feels she has to replace those with new ones. 12/27/22
• 051. It’s a Wonderful Wife – 1/25/2004
  • Bernie is going onto the Ellen DeGeneres Show in a couple of days and he is trying to concentrate on coming up with material by doing his usual rituals: having a giant sandwich and soda, reading the Sports section, and watching a sad movie. When Wanda is passed over for a promotion at West Coast Wireless, she quits her job after eight years. Bernie is fully prepared to support her, but soon she starts getting in his way as he does his comedy writing, even eating his food and taking his spot on the couch while he is trying to brainstorm. She even comes up with an Idea Board to help him focus on getting the job done. Ellen DeGeneres (herself) stops by the house to check on his progress and takes over talking to America, while Bernie goes and tries to draw up some boundaries with Wanda. It turns out he finally starts to enjoy having her there as they spend some romantic afternoons drinking in the jacuzzi. However, she decides to start up her own business and moves into the den with him to do her work. He gets frustrated when he tries to get romantic with her and she shuts him down. She also starts making noises in the den with him, which are driving him crazy. Meanwhile, a couple of Jordan’s classmates, Rich “Diesel” (Jascha Washington) and Kenny “K-dog” (Dee Jay Daniels), start picking on him until they realize that Vanessa is his sister. Jordan starts accepting bribes to get them in the house so they can talk to Vanessa. Rich strike out quickly with Vanessa, but when he returns with Kevin, she and her friend Donna decide to have fun with them and asks them for kisses. They chicken out and run out of the house, causing Jordan to start making fun of them. They, along with their other friend Brett (Christopher Gerse) start beating up on him again. Bernie goes onto Ellen’s show and starts talking about how Wanda interrupted his writing process when she quit her job, and how he misses the old days when it was just the two of them on the couch drinking margaritas and supporting each other’s dreams. Wanda watches the show and has a margarita waiting for him in bed and tells her that she understands now why he was acting the way he was. She tells him she’ll always be there for him when he needs her, and then also tells him that her old job is trying to get her back, but she will only consider it if she can be made a Senior Vice President. 6/18/23
• 052. Family Reunion – 2/8/2004
  • Bernie and the family are getting ready for their annual family reunion, and he has his sister Benita (Niecy Nash) and Mama Lena (Bebe Drake), who is 90 and refuses to speak, at the house to get ready before they head to the outdoor picnic. Wanda is committed to get Mama Lena to speak before the end of the picnic. Bernie has issues with most of his relatives. His brother Carl (Glynn Turman) keeps making fun of Jordan’s nerdy ways, implying that Bernie is not raising him to act like a normal black child. His Aunt Sis (Anna Maria Horsford), who is married to a white husband David (Brian Posehn), who is perpetually out of work, wants Bernie to co-host a cooking show with her and won’t take no for an answer. Bernie’s cousin Lou (Tommy Davidson), who is in a wheelchair, hits on Wanda and treats Bernie like he owes Lou something. Wanda makes the mistake of telling Lou that relatives are always welcome at their house, which prompts Lou to invite everyone to an after-party at Bernie’s house. Vanessa meets her cousin Shonte (Omari Grandberry aka Omarion) and the two quickly develop a crush on each other. Vanessa finds out that they’re only cousins by marriage, so they steal away to make out, only to be discovered by Bernie, who quickly separates them. Bryana gets jealous when Bernie calls one of her cousins Wesley (Kennedy McCullough) ‘BabyGirl’, so he has to explain that she’s everyone’s Baby Girl, while Bryana is ‘his’ BabyGirl. Once everyone shows up at Bernie’s house, many of his cousins, including (Ken Sagoes) and T-Bone (Tyrone Batista) start getting into his cards and cigars. He also catches Lou smoking pot on his patio. Eventually, he gets so annoyed that he tells everyone to get out of his house. Then he hears Mama Lena talking and making a public thank you to everyone who contributed to a quilt that was given to her. She tells Lou that his wheelchair doesn’t give him license to be an ass. She tells Sis that she can’t cook. She tells Carl tht he needs to admit that Bernie is doing a wonderful job raising the kids. Finally, she tells Bernie to unlock the liquor. Carl, who didn’t want to take the kids when he was offered, tells Bernie that he really is a good job with the kids… and this time no one is making him say it. Lalanya Masters is Wesley’s mother. Mike Estime is the red-hatted card player. 6/18/23
• 053. Droobie or Not Droobie – 2/15/2004
  • Bernie has starred in the movie The Droobie Movie, which stars Bryana’s favorite character Droobie (L.T. Tolliver). The whole family gets to go the film premiere, and Bryana is particularly excited. However, Bernie plays the character of the Evil Wizard, and when Bryana sees him in opposition of Droobie, she is furious with her Uncle Bernie and wants to leave in the middle of the movie. Meanwhile, Jordan is participating in the candy drive at school and is extra diligent about keeping a correct inventory, refusing to give any of the chocolate bars to his family members. He is caught by one of the ushers (Denver Dowridge) trying to sell the candy at the movie theater. Nessa has saved up $135 with her babysitting money and wants to open up a bank account. However, she is very disappointed when she is charged $25 to open the checking account. Bernie has to explain to her how banks work, and how they take more interest from other people by loaning her money. Bryana is so upset with Droobie that she won’t even let Bernie tuck her in at night, in addition to give him the silent treatment. Bernie talks to his manager Jerry about the actor Greg Marshall (David Faustino), who plays Droobie in the film, to see if he can get Greg to come over in character to meet Bryana. Jordan, as hard as he tries to sell his candy bars, is still in dead last in the contest to win the grand prize bicycle. He doubles his effort but keeps getting turned down, getting doors slammed in his face, and getting chased by dogs. He winds up getting so frustrated that he starts eating the candy himself. He starts having dreams that he not only wins the BMX bike, but that he is made king of the school and his entire family bows before him. Bernie has Droobie over to the house, and Bryana is thrilled and forgives her Uncle Bernie. Once Greg gets out of the costume, he admits that he is scoring with women left and right, including the famous actress, Christina Applegate. When Bernie helps Greg shove the empty costume back into Greg’s car, Bryana thinks that Bernie has killed him again. Bernie tries to get Droobie to come back to the house, but he is too busy shooting a commercial. Jordan goes to see Father Cronin in confession to admit that he ate more candy than he sold. Cronin tells Jordan that it is a big deal, and that his punishment in the fiery depths of hell will be worse than his earthly punishment. Jordan later sees some boys (Alex Buck, Cory Buck) selling candy in the street at inflated prices, telling customers that the candy sales will keep them off drugs and off the street, Jordan gets the idea to do the same. He tells his first customer (Dani Shear) that the price on the candy is a misprint, and he charges double. The boys catch up with him for selling on their street and steal Jordan’s money and his shoes. Wanda tells Jordan that since he has been so dishonest, he will need to come up with the money to pay for the candy, so he decides to sell his valuable Avengers comic book. Nessa offers to write him a check to cover the candy but plans to charge him interest on the loan. Bernie takes Bryana to see Droobie on the set of his commercial, but when she sees how rude Greg the actor is when he is out of the costume, she no longer likes him. She and Bernie make amends and they go out for ice cream in the park. Bernie tells him that even though Droobie isn’t real, she can love him as much as she wants. NOTE: Carol Kieran plays the nun who is Jordan’s teacher.10/10/23
• 054. J-O-R-D-A-N Spells Funny – 2/22/2004
  • Bernie is called in to talk to Father Cronin about the A’s that Jordan has been getting on his spelling test. Bernie assumes he’s been cheating, but Cronin says they put several proctors on him and have determined that he one of the best spellers around, but he refuses to participate in the Spelling Bee for the honor of Damien Catholic School. Bernie tries to convince him to enter and tells him that as a boy (Karl Montgomery), he was in a Spelling Bee and was eliminated during the first round. When Jordan realizes that he is better than Bernie at something, he agrees to be in the contest. Bernie has him practicing around the clock, even skipping meals, but on the day of the Spelling Bee, he experiences stage fright and can’t spell the word “nickel” and then faints. Meanwhile, Nessa is assigned to make a video of her family going through their day-to-day routines. Bernie doesn’t want to participate, and Wanda gets antsy when she’s on camera and feels she doesn’t look her best. Bernie tells Jordan that he had stage fright when he would speak in front of the class, but when he was doing a book report on Booker T. Washington, he accidentally called him “Booger.” This caused the class to laugh at him, which eased the tension and took away his fear of public speaking. At the next Spelling Bee, after his chief competition Sanjay (Neil Joshi) correctly spells “milieu”, during Jordan’s next turn, he blurts out “booger” and spells it, eliciting laughter from the crowd. When he is asked to spell “cataclysm”, he does just find and goes on to win the contest. Afterwards, he said that once he heard the audience laughter, he was no longer nervous. He now understands why Bernie does what he does. He says he is now done with spelling and wants to put all of his energy into stand-up comedy. He begins working on his jokes, and interrupts Bernie’s poker game with his friends to tell them some jokes. He gets a little bit of laughter and attention from W.B., Kelly, and Chuy, despite Bernie trying to rush him out to bed. Vanessa is upset about the horrible footage she got from her family, but Bernie laughs it off and tells her they are the only family she has. Jordan gets a flyer from the school talent show and wants to participate. Wanda tells Bernie that she forced him to do the Spelling Bee, which he didn’t want to do, but won’t let him do what he wants. Vanessa unveils her video, which is called My Life with Bigfoot, and features scenes of Bernie appearing to be a monster around the family, which appears as if he ate Jordan. Everyone finds it amusing except for Bernie. Jordan participates in the talent show, but when his material is clearly bombing, Bernie gets on stage and rescues him before he and Jordan dance off the stage. Later, Bernie tells Jordan that he can give him some pointers if he wants to continue with his comedy. Jordan, however, has realized he bombed and wants to go back to the Spelling Bee regionals, to which promises to be front and center. Sally Ann Brooks is Sister Patrice. Louisa Abernathy is Bernie’s teacher. Allie Carieri is the bird-call kid. 10/10/23
• 055. Make Room for Caddy – 3/7/2004
  • Bernie’s father-in-law Lloyd’s 65th birthday is coming up, but Bernie takes issue when Lloyd tells Wanda that she should take a promotion at work rather than starting her own business because it will give her security. Wanda tells Bernie privately that her father is having money problems, so asks Bernie to go easy on him. Bernie remembers via flashback to 1987 when he was a delivery truck driver for Atlas Parcel Services and used to delivery frequent packages to Lloyd, where he would admire his daughter Wanda. Bernie tries to get a date with her, but she is initially resistant to his charms. Bernie keeps bringing her gifts to her office, and then invites her to see him perform his comedy on the L-train. She laughs him off, but she ends up showing up that night when he does his show. However, she says she’s only there to tell him to stop pursuing her and bringing gifts to her office. She still sticks around to watch the show, and the two begin to get closer. Lloyd isn’t impressed with Bernie’s credentials, so Bernie invites him to watch him perform that weekend at Tickles, where he bombs miserably. After the show, Lloyd asks Bernie to not see his daughter again. Back in the present day, Bernie still wants to rub his success into Lloyd’s nose, so he surprises Lloyd by offering to buy him a new car. However, when they start looking at cars at the dealer’s, Lloyd wants to go with a luxury Cadillac with all the perks. While Jordan haggles with a salesman (Ron Fassler) over the price of a keychain for his grandfather, Bernie and Lloyd wind up getting into a huge fight and Bernie reveals that he knows he is broke. Wanda is furious and tells Bernie that the only thing he can do to recover is to give her father his pride back. Bernie has a talk with Lloyd and tells him that he regrets what he said but admits that he was only trying to hurt him because he would never make it and wasn’t good enough for Wanda. He admits that it hurt him, but Lloyd says he should appreciate the fact that he needed to hear that to motivate him to become the success he is. Bernie starts to defend himself again, but then decides to let Lloyd think that he invested in Bernie. Lloyd says he got a good return on his investment… and so did Wanda. Bernie offers to go back to the dealer to buy him the car, but Lloyd says he’s going to by his own car, one that is more economical. Bernie says he’s really like to buy the car, so Lloyd immediately agrees again. Bernie tells American that there is really only one person who can take credit for his success: Wanda, who encouraged him that there’s a much bigger stage away from the L-train that is waiting for him. Gino Montesinos is the Caddy salesman. 2/15/24
• 056. Saving Sergeant Tompkins – 3/14/2004
  • When Bernie realizes that the Redd Foxx ticket stub that he had on display, representing the first show in which his name was on a marquee, is missing, he questions all of the kids in the family. It turns out that Jordan took it to put into a time capsule at school. When Bernie demands it back, Jordan laments that he has nothing from his past since he only arrived at Bernie’s with a bagful of clothes that Bernie burned. Bernie tells Jordan that life dealt him a bad hand and tells him that other people have the same kind of struggles including him. However, this mentality backfires when Jordan tells Sister Mary and another nun that Jesus should have sucked it up when he had horrible things happen to him. Vanessa agrees that Bernie needs to be honest about their father, as she is still angry that he left as well. In order to cheer Jordan up, Barney gives him an old monocular and tells him that his father had given to him to give Jordan. He idolizes the monocular and plays with it constantly. When he asks Bernie more about it, Bernie tells him that he used the monocular in the military, which makes Jordan think that his father was a hero. Vanessa becomes more and more annoyed with the lie, and Jordan’s reverence for the monocular, so she takes it and hides it on the top shelf in the den next to Bernie’s old Playboy magazines. Jordan is inconsolable when he can’t find the monocular. Bernie eventually finds it and confronts Vanessa about it. Vanessa tearfully recalls her father laughing while giving the kids a bath. Bernie explains that Jordan doesn’t even have a memory like that, so the monocular is just something for him to hold onto. She finally understands and agrees to let Jordan cling to whatever he can. She even digs out an old picture of their father to share with Jordan for the first time. Bernie tells Vanessa how proud of her he is, and she says that she might feel better if he bought her a new pair of suede boots, Bernie confesses that he might just do that. 2/15/24
• 057. It’s Mac-ademic – 3/22/2004
  • Bernie attempts to drop Bryana off at the Wellington school, but the principal Kathy Alhorn (Audrey Wasilewski) tells him that they are missing her immunization records and that she cannot return to school until they find them. Bernie searches high and low in the house but is unable to come up with them. Bernie and Wanda are both puzzled by the fact that Bryana can’t wait to get back into class. Eventually, they get them from her old school in Chicago. However, before she returns, Bernie catches Vanessa playing hide and seek with Bryana when she is supposed to be helping her with her homework. Vanessa tells him that this is actually her homework. When Bernie returns to school with the medical papers, he questions the assignment to play hide-and-seek, so Ms. Alhorn invites him to be a parent helper in school so that he can observe what they teach. He is assigned to the teacher Ruth’s (Dagney Kerr), where Bernie is immediately put off by the fact that the kids are told to call him by his first name and are able to choose what they want to do that day. Bernie is firmly told that they are not to use command sentences to the children. Meanwhile at home, Vanessa and Jordan are fighting worse than ever, often resorting to physical violence to one another. Wanda is more annoyed than Bernie, who seems to be somewhat oblivious to it. Bernie starts to get very annoyed at the way Wellington is teaching the children, feeling that it won’t actually help them with life. He tries to get the kids to call him Mr. Mac, and when one little boy won’t share the swing with Bryana, he tells him to let her have a turn, despite the act that Ms. Alhorn tells him that they don’t believe in commands. Eventually, the other teachers have had enough and tell him that he needs to go. Bernie criticizes their methods and pulls Bryana out of the school. Shopping for a new school isn’t so easy, as Father Cronin at Damien Elementary thinks she needs to be evaluated since her brother is Jordan. A headmaster (David St. James) at another prestigious school says they can get Bryana in, assuming Bernie becomes a ‘diamond donor.’ The admissions lady (Jacqueline Schultz) at Cooney Elementary tells Bernie how only 55% of their students are reading, as the coach (Dan Warner) offers an alibi to the police for the whereabouts of one of their students. In the end, Bernie decides he will be the one to teach Bryana, but soon realizes that she is so set in her way of having fun through the school day that she is incredibly bored with the standard curriculum he likes to teach. As he copes with this, both he and Wanda continue to have to deal with the fighting between Vanessa and Jordan. However, they are surprised when Bryana is able to employ one of the methods taught to her at Wellington to diffuse the fight between them. Bernie allows Bryana to return to school, telling Ms. Alhorn that he still can’t fully grasp what they are teaching but realizes now that Bryana is indeed getting something out of it. Jeffrey Hutchinson is teacher Chet Matthews. Hannah Dworkin is student Mandy who chooses swings for the day’s activity. Sema’ Jay Hall is the little boy who tells Bernie that his name rhymes with ‘turkey’. Matthew Jeane is the boy with the juice. Anthony Skillman is the student Timmy on the swing. 7/4/24
• 058. The Getaway – 3/29/2004
  • Bernie and the family head to San Diego for a 3-day vacation getaway. Bernie has worked out a schedule whereby he and Wanda can alternate taking care of the kids, so each can have the free time they need. Upon arrival, they head for the pool where Wanda is told by the pool boy (Brian Callaway) that a family of five can’t expect to get seats together as it is first-come, first-served. Bernie is okay with being isolated away from them so that he can read his book Grape Soda and Pack of Smokes. Unfortunately, the kids keep pestering him and he repeatedly keeps sending them back to Wanda. Vanessa meets a boy (Cory Hodges) and wants to go rock climbing with him and some friends, but Bernie turns her down. Wanda becomes obsessed with gathering five chairs to put together. Bernie gets a call from his friends W.B., Chuy, Kelly, and Jerry, who are at the Bellagio in Las Vegas. Bernie says he can’t meet them since he is in San Diego, but Wanda falls asleep early that night, Bernie realizes that it is only an hour’s flight away. The devil Bernie on his shoulder convinces him to go, and he gambles all night and is back before everyone wakes up. Wanda finds a poker chip and his flight ticket and berates him for leaving her when there could have been an emergency with the kids. That day he does his duty with the kids, helping Jordan chase geckos and getting Vanessa and her friend into a scuba diving class. Unfortunately, she winds up dropping her tank onto Bernie’s head in the pool. That night when Bernie wants credit for not going back to Las Vegas and spending the day with the kids. She tells him that if he really wants to impress her, he will spend his day off with the family at Wild Animal Park the next day. When he refuses, she tells him that he might as well have stayed in Vegas… so he heads back. As he plays with his friends and boxer Sugar Shane Mosley (himself), he finds out that Jerry got married the night before and is working on getting in annulled. When his friends find out about his arrangement with Wanda watching the kids, the guys tell him how lucky he is that she allows him to do that. Chuy advises him that they would be better off doing the kid-raising together. Bernie feels guilty so he flies back early and calls Wanda from the pool area, where he has saved her and the kids five chairs together. Bernie tips the pool boy to let him keep them until the pool opens. Jennie Fahn is the lady at the pool who claims her seat from Wanda. David H. Hayles is the scuba instructor. Roger Sampson is the cannonball swimmer. 7/4/24
• 059. Easy Rider – 4/5/2004
  • While Bernie is hanging out with his friends, Jerry calls and tells the guys to meet him out front, and then gives him a new motorcycle as a gift from the studio for the success of his movie The Droobie Movie. Bernie is excited, but knows that ultimately, he will have to get rid of it, just as he has had to do with nearly every ‘dangerous’ item he owned since he’s taken on custody of the kids. Meanwhile, Jordan gets caught by Father Cronin selling dirty pictures out of one of Bernie’s collectible magazines. He calls Bernie and Wanda in and threatens to have Jordan removed from the school, but Bernie pushes back. On the way home, Wanda tells him that he needs to get rid of his magazines, even though he had them locked up in his footlocker. Bernie also agrees to donate his bike to charity but wants to take a ride on it first. He winds up staying out so long that he misses Jordan’s debate at school. When he finally tries to turn around on his bike, he crashes, sees a bright light, which is actually the bike’s headlight, and thinks he is dead. As he dreams, he returns to his house as a ghost, finding everything in shambles. Bryana is smoking cigarettes, Vanessa is pregnant, and Jordan has become a flamboyant hairdresser. He finds Wanda in bed with W.B., then wakes up at home with nothing more than a sprained ankle. Bernie suddenly becomes scared of the world around him and child-proofs the kitchen, causing Bryana to fear that the kitchen is a ‘deathtrap.’ When he sees Jordan crash on his bike. he tells him that he is only a thump away from being in a coma due to his soft spot. He gathers up any toy that could be construed as dangerous. When he finds out from Vanessa’s bus driver (Tim Kahle) that the bus has no seatbelts, he makes her get off it so that he can drive her to school. However, when he sees Jordan back down from his friend Mark when he accuses him of cheating in a video game, he realizes that he has instilled fear into Jordan rather than common sense. He tells Mark that Jordan did not cheat and if he ever hears him accusing him again, he will have to deal with him. Later that night, Wanda tells Bernie that he can start smoking in the den again and admits that she had told him that it was affecting Jordan’s asthma when she really just didn’t like the smell. Kevin Riley is the friend who’s never seen a naked lady before. 10/29/24

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