The Terrible Catsafterme

SEASON 1 – CBS

Created by Norman Lear and Bud Yorkin

Theme song: “And Then There’s Maude (Maude’s Theme”) written by Marilyn & Alan Bergman and Dave Grusin, sung by Donny Hathaway

NOTE: This series was a spin-off of the series “All in the Family”

• 001. Maude’s Problem (aka Maude and the Psychiatrist) – 9/12/1972
  • Maude Findlay (Beatrice Arthur) is an outspoken liberal woman living with her fourth husband Walter (Bill Macy), a Maytag dealer, and her daughter from her second marriage, Carol Traynor (Adrienne Barbeau), and Carol’s son Phillip in Tuckahoe, New York. Maude has suspicions about where Carol has been going on Tuesday nights, especially when she finds out that Carol has been crying. Maude gets it out of her that she is seeing a psychiatrist, but Carol will not tell her why. An argument ensues and Carol tells her mother that she is moving out. Maude goes to see her doctor, Dr. Stern (William Redfield) – kicking out another patient (Helen Page Camp) to get the appointment. Dr. Stern refuses to discuss Carol, but Maude ends up telling him her life story which causes her to realize the resentments that she had against her overbearing mother. Maude returns home with more understanding of Carol’s feelings, and Maude gets her to tell her that she loves her. 8/17/15
• 002. Doctor, Doctor – 9/19/1972
  • Maude is constantly at odds with their conservator neighbor Dr. Arthur Harmon (Conrad Bain), who is the Walter’s best friend. Tensions escalate further when Arthur discovers his granddaughter Angela and Carol’s son Phillip (Brian Morrison) playing doctor. Arthur’s hang-ups with the current generations lackadaisical attitudes about sex – and everything else – get so heated that Arthur says that they are all degenerates and he’ll never step foot in their house again, and Maude tells him that he is not welcome. The next night Arthur and Walter get drunk together, and Arthur confesses that Maude was right about his hang-ups and wants to reconcile. When Walter brings Arthur home after their drinking session, Maude refuses to let him in. Walter tells Maude that if she is so open about nudity then he will strip down. He only gets to his underwear when Arthur enters and accuses them again of being degenerates. The next day Walter admits that he is sorry… although he has no recollection of what he did. Ray Kellogg is Bert the bartender. 8/18/15
• 003. Maude Meets Florida – 9/26/1972
  • Maude insists on hiring a black maid in order to help ‘liberate’ them and show them that they can be just as respected as a white woman. When Florida Evans (Esther Rolle) shows up, she clashes with Maude’s liberal ideals. Maude tries to spoil her, while Florida just wants to do her work. Florida gets irritated and quits, but Walter and Carol talk her into staying, which she does after putting some stipulations in place that she is allowed to do the job her way without interference from Maude. 10/17/15
• 004. Like Mother, Like Daughter – 10/3/1972
  • Carol is dating a famous author named Russell Asher (Cesare Danova), who is in his sixties and once dated Maude, who is aghast at the situation since she was once jilted by him. Russell takes Carol to the taping of The Tonight Show, on which he is going to be interviewed, and doesn’t come home until 4am. Maude demands that Carol stop seeing Russell, to which she quickly agrees… mostly because Russell called Carol ‘Maude’. Maude is flattered because she thinks it happened during an intimate moment, but it turns out that he did so while Carol was criticizing him for being pompous and it reminded him of Maude. Louis Guss is the flower delivery man. 10/17/15
• 005. Maude and the Radical – 10/10/1972
  • Maude is a nervous wreck about hosting a party that will serve as a fund raiser for militant black leader Jim Chambers. She gets even more upset when her only two black guests the Jacksons cancel. She tries to scramble and find more black guests but has to settle for Florida, whom she introduces as Florida Dubonay. As her nerves become more agitated, Arthur give her tranquilizers which she combines with alcohol, causing her to sing Some Enchanted Evening to the guests. Walter being in opposition to the teachings of Chambers – who wants the state of Colorado given to the black population – notifies the party-goers that they are there because it is a fundraiser. Since Maude never had mentioned that in the invitations, the guests all get angry and leave. Maude ends up hosting Chambers alone, donating $1000 to his cause. Ivor Francis and Toni Ann Driscoll are the Fergusons. Herbert Nelson is William Kenny. Mary Alan Hokanson is Mrs. Jenkins. Paul Barselou looks for a restroom. 12/21/15
• 006. The Ticket – 10/17/1972
  • Police Officer Cosgrove (Jon Korkes) follows Maude home and gives her a speeding ticket for going 34 in a 30. Maude tries to talk her way out of the ticket using both charm and insults, but in the end, she is given the ticket. Arthur offers to ‘fix’ the ticket for her, but Maude is adamant that she protest her innocence. When she arrives in court Judge Motorman (Vincent Gardenia) is ready to drop the charges thanks to Arthur, but Maude still wants to fight it. During the proceedings Maude gets Cosgrove to admit that his mother never respected him as a man and often called him ‘Pussycat’, and he ends up looking foolish. The judge talks Cosgrove into admitting that he could have made a mistake. Maude is happy she won the case and proved that she stands against special treatment…and then bullies and bribes the bailiff (Louis Guss) into standing in line to pay her other violations for her. 12/21/15
• 007. Love and Marriage – 10/24/1972
  • Tired of her present condition of not having a job and living with her mother, Carol decides to get married to her long time suitor George Snyder (Frank Aletter). Maude tries to talk her out of it since she doesn’t love George, but Carol has her mind made up. Carol asks George to marry her and he ecstatically agrees, even though Carol admits that she is not in love with him, but likes and respects him. Maude is beside herself and tries desperately to talk her out of it. Carol and George decided to get married immediately. As Maude’s worry intensifies, she takes it out more and more on Walter, who simply wants to have dinner… and finally demands it. This leads to Maude and Walter smashing their dinner and their plates onto the floor in the kitchen. George comes to pick up Carol for their wedding and hears the ruckus. Carol explains that they fight like this all the time, but are able to stay together because they love each other… at that moment realizing what she is doing and calling off the marriage. Walter and Maude make up finally after giving each other cold should for the past four days of bickering. 2/25/16
• 008. Flashback – 10/31/1972
  • With the Nixon-McGovern Presidential election returns coming in, Maude, Walter, and Arthur reminisce via flashback to four years earlier when Maude and Walter first began dating during the Nixon-Humphrey election. Carol has just moved in as she is going through her divorce. As Walter lays down the law about not discussing politics on their date, Maude realizes she is in love with Walter, but throws him out out of fear of him proposing. Walter returns and does in fact propose, but at Carol’s suggestion, Maude suggests just living together. Walter refuses and walks out on her, leaving Maude to date the boring storm window salesman Henry (Van Johnson) and contend with Humphrey’s Presidential loss. Henry proposes to Maude as well, but she refuses. After two weeks, Walter is lamenting his loss and decides to turn his little black book over to Arthur, who introduced him to Maude in the first place, and heads over to Maude’s to say he’s willing to move in. However when Maude insists that he give up his apartment, Walter hits the roof again. He finally demands that they go find a justice of the peace right then… and they do. 2/25/16
• 009. Maude’s Dilemma: Part 1 – 11/14/1972
  • Maude arrives home late for a bridge party she is hosting, feeling utterly distraught but not wanting to tell anyone why. She finally opens up to her longtime friend Vivian Cavender (Rue McClanahan) and tells her that at age 47, she is pregnant. Walter is out of town on business, but he returns during the game and Carol forces Maude to tell him, causing him to nearly choke to death on a piece of chicken before Arthur saves him. Carol tries to get Maude to consider abortion as a possibility, and Walter decides to have a vasectomy. Walter tells Maude that he will support her no matter what she decides. NOTE: This is the first of a two-part episode. 5/22/16
• 010. Maude’s Dilemma: Part 2 – 11/21/1972
  • Maude tells Carol that she is going to have the baby, because she thinks Walter wants it. Carol pressures her to ask Walter what he wants, but when she does, he will only say that he wants whatever she wants, and that he has confidence that she knows what he wants. Walter on the other hand tells Arthur that he thinks that Maude wants the baby. Maude sees how much trouble kids can be when Lorraine Cochran (Elisabeth Fraser) shows up with her four kids – with one more on the way – to pick up Philip for school. Despite Arthur’s trying to convince him, and even getting verification from Arthur’s friend Harry Lawrence (Robert Mandan) that he had one and it is a great decision, Walter chickens out about having his vasectomy. That night Arthur confesses that he never really wanted to be a father, and Maude and him realize together that they think she is too old to have the baby. Arthur also confesses that he never had his vasectomy, and Maude understands. NOTE: This is the second part of a two-part episode. 5/22/16
• 011. Maude’s Reunion – 11/28/1972
  • Maude invites her old high school friend Phyllis ‘Bunny’ Nash (Barbara Rush) for a visit, and feels superior to her because Phyllis was a wallflower in school whom everyone called ‘Mousy’ and is currently selling Avon. When Phyllis shows up, Maude finds her to be a glamorous successful jetsetter, who is actually a vice-president of Avon. Maude starts to feel jealous about Phyllis’s lifestyle. Phyllis comes back for dinner with Maude, Walter, and Arthur, but soon it becomes obvious that the ladies need to settle Maude’s jealousy. After a long discussion in which Maude points out the virtue of belonging to a man and Phyllis stresses the importance of being independent, they both come to the conclusion that they both ‘want it all’ and have a good cry. 8/23/16
• 012. The Grass Story – 12/5/1972
  • Against Walter’s wishes, Maude wants to procure marijuana from her nephew Jeff (Keith Taylor) and get arrested in front of the police station with a group of women as a form of protest when a 19-year old named Harold Collins gets arrested for possession. When Jeff doesn’t come through, Maude tries Carol, Florida, and Walter but none can help. One of Jeff’s friends delivers $20 worth of pot, but Walter confiscates it and draws a parallel to the situation by threatening to go away with another woman. Maude leaves with a bag of oregano instead. Maude joins the other ladies at the police station and insists that the Police Sergeant Joseph Lazzario (Frank Campanella) arrest her, but he recognizes the oregano. Maude tells Lazzario that she and her friends will have a sit-in naked if they are not arrested, so he sends an officer to guy buy some marijuana for them… but it is too late when they find out that Collins has been sentenced to three years. Maude then organizes a protest in Albany in front of the Governor’s mansion. Robert Ball is the tomato dealer. 8/23/16
• 013. The Slumlord – 12/19/1972
  • Carol informs Maude that there is a black man outside picketing their house claiming that they are slumlords. Apparently Walter invested in a property along with some colleagues as a tax shelter, and Maude is aghast that she too is one of the owners. They invite the picketer George Washington Carver Williams (Nolan Bell) inside and are hospitable to him, but he continues to picket. Maude wants Walter to dump the property even at a loss of $3200, but he is unwilling. Things get even more serious when Philip is called a fascist pig at school, and Florida quits. Arthur offers a bit more but it still represents a $2500. Finally their accountant calls and he’s found a buyer that will only cost them $1000, so Walter sells. Maude tells Williams that they’ve sold the property, but he is sad to leave as he’s enjoyed their bathroom so much. Maude has Walter give him $60 to help him out, which he says will be a worthy cause. Florida asks him to place her bet on the horse Worthy Cause as well. 11/9/16
• 014. The Convention – 1/2/1973
  • Maude tags along to Walter’s appliance convention in Wooster, Massachusetts, and they wind up in the seedy John Smith Motel. They start to get frisky, then realize they need to go the opening night banquet so they set an alarm to resume their romance until 12:30 that night. Walter has trouble getting Maude out the door as she begins questioning her role in life, simply known as Walter’s husband without contributing anything worthwhile. After the banquet, she is even more furious when he wins a sales award and in the acceptance speech refers to her as the ‘little woman.’ Their fight escalates until he tells her that if she was a man, he would punch her, causing her to demand equal rights. He is nearly ready to hit her when the alarm goes off. They start to make up with Maude apologizing and Walter acknowledging that he would feel the same way if he was a woman. Maude still believes her only role in the marriage is to be a ‘sex kitten’ but admits that it does make her feel a little better. The motel owner asks them to pose for a picture when he finds out that they are actually married. 11/10/16
• 015. Walter’s 50th Birthday – 1/23/1973
  • Maude prepares to host a party for Walter’s 50th birthday, bringing in a surprise guest from Walter’s youth, his friend Floyd Crowley (John Heffernan), with whom Walter had once written a minstrel act. Meanwhile Walter sits with Arthur discussing a friend younger than Walter who has just died, and Arthur is depressed by his age. Later at the party, Floyd arrives and cheers Walter up, but then Floyd unexpectedly drops dead. This bring Walter lower than ever and Maude has a hard time even getting him to get out of bed. Arthur advises Maude to be affectionate with Walter, but he wants know part of it. The argument culminates in each threatening to leave, and each throwing the other’s suitcase through the window… but then they finally embrace and make up, with Maude citing a reason to continue living is to learn more new things about each other every day. 2/15/17 
• 016. Maude and the Medical Profession – 1/30/1973
  • Walter and Maude are getting ready to head out for a second honeymoon trip to Italy, but Maude breaks out in a rash due to the tetanus shot she had recently gotten. Arthur hooks her up to see dermatologist Dr. Tasko (Tom Bosley), who is so busy that he doesn’t give Maude the instructions to spread out her dosage of the antihistamine that he prescribes, causing her equilibrium to be affected leading to a near-car accident and cancellation of the trip. Maude is so angry that she wants to sue the doctor for malpractice and insists that Arthur testify. Arthur is reluctant to destroy another doctor, so Maude throws him out. Walter joins Arthur for drinks and he too becomes angry when a tipsy Arthur admits that Tasko was negligent. After they fight it out, Arthur agrees to testify. However when Tasko shows up at Maude’s house and apologizes and tells her that he’s learned his lesson, she backs down from the lawsuit since he humbled himself, although Walter is still angry about being out the $800 for the plane ticket. Outside the house Tasko thanks Arthur for calling him and advising him to apologize to Maude. Elisabeth Fraser is the nurse. Bill Zuckert is the bartender Fred. Samantha Harper is Shirley the admitting nurse. Russell Gossett is the cab driver. 2/17/17
• 017. Arthur Moves In – 2/6/1973
  • A small fire at Arthur’s house forces him to come to say with Walter and Maude. His presence is a huge inconvenience for Maude, including the picky way in which he wants his food prepared, but mostly because he is taking up Walter’s attention and Maude feels excluded. Making matters worse, Arthur finds out that it is going to be two more weeks before his house is repaired. Maude demands that Walter throw Arthur out, so Walter simulates blowing him away with a toy machine gun that Arthur had initially bought for Philip, which Maude snatches and fires on both of them. These leads to a catharsis of Maude admitting she is jealous about being left out. The men promise to try and include her more. Dick Wesson is Ernie the milkman. 6/7/17
• 018. Florida’s Problem – 2/13/1973
  • Florida shows up to work in a particularly bad mood. Maude can’t let it go, and finally forces Florida to tell her that her husband Henry (John Amos) doesn’t want her serving white people and demands that she quit her job. Henry shows up to claim her, but when Florida refuses, he allows her to finish her shift. Maude wants Walter to get intervene, but he wants to stay out of their marriage, so Maude becomes furious with him. When Henry comes to pick up Florida, she refuses to leave with him until he agrees that she can work another two years. Walter takes Henry’s side and fires Florida so that she will leave with her husband, but Maude immediately re-hires her. Henry admits that it is his pride that keeps him from wanting her to be a maid. Florida demands that he be just as proud of her as she is of him, reminding him that her ancestors acted as maids in order to advance their families. She leaves, with Henry agreeing that she can return to work the next day. NOTE: When the sitcom Good Times spun off from Maude, Henry’s character’s name would become “James.” 6/9/17
• 019. Walter’s Secret – 2/27/1973
  • Walter comes home panicked looking for Carol, who had spotted him the night before with another woman in the cocktail lounge at the Holiday Inn. When Carol comes home clearly angry at him, he begs her not to tell Maude, and he also asks Walter to corroborate the story that he went bowling with him. Both plans fail when Maude catches him and Carol arguing, and Walter lets it slip that he was at home watching TV the night before. Walter is finally forced to admit that he was out with one of his former employees, a 26-year old who needed money for a root canal. Maude is livid, and Walter confesses to Walter that ever since he turned 50, he can’t keep his eye off of younger woman, but that he was so scared being with her in public that he could only think of leaving. Maude tries to kick him out for a month, but they eventually are able to talk through it. As Walter is getting ready to tell Maude why he couldn’t go through with doing anything physical with the girl, Maude speculates that the reason is that Maude has ruined all other women for him. Seizing the opportunity to make peace, he agrees with her statement and she forgives him, much to his relief. 1/29/18
• 020. Maude’s Good Deed – 3/6/1973
  • Maude and her old friend Jane (Rosemary Murphy) visiting from Chicago are thrilled to be in each other’s company and recalling old jokes. Jane and Arthur have taken a fancy to each other and all is well, until Maude invites Jane’s estranged daughter Linda (Lee Lawson), who has been in a constant fight with Jane over the withholding of her father’s inheritance. Things go even more sour when Arthur leaves with Jane and doesn’t return for dinner. Jane is furious and refuses to speak to Maude, so Maude arranges everyone involved to come over by telling them all lies and she tries to reconcile everyone. The bickering doesn’t abate, but Linda does laugh at the notion that she might be interested in Arthur, since all he did at her house was have a glass of wine and throw up on her cat. Carol agrees with Linda that she should get her inheritance, and  everyone ends up leaving with nothing gained whatsoever. 1/30/18
• 021. The Perfect Marriage – 3/13/1973
  • Maude and Walter have just returned from vacation with Viv and Chuck (William Redfield). Everyone seems on top of the world and Viv and Chuck are as loving with each other as ever. However they are secretly planning to get a divorce and the finally share the news with Maude and Walter, who are utterly shocked. Maude then starts to question the strength of her and Walter’s marriage, citing the fact that Walter never seems to want to be alone with her… especially when he tries to call Arthur immediately upon their return. After trying to convince her that he has no plans to leave her, she begins to get irritated with her irrational behavior. She tries to resolve things by having each of them write down the things that irritate them about the other. Walter seems to have no problem, which make Maude even more upset. Eventually Walter says they need a trial separation and goes to sleep in the den, locking her out. Refusing to answer her, he eventually slips her a note that he loves her, and sneaks around and surprises her at the front door playfully. Later than night, Chuck comes over and asks if he can stay with them as he is tired of Viv’s pouting…but she is already over there sleeping in the den. With them screaming at each other, Maude thinks there is hope for their marriage as they are behaving just like Walter and Maude. 10/3/18
• 022. Maude’s Night Out – 3/20/1973
  • Maude wakes Walter up from his nap so they can go the party of Cliff and Joanna Naylor. Walter seems out of sorts and begins picking at Maude about everything. When she can finally take no more, she demands to know his problem and he admits that he gets jealous the way Cliff flirts with her. Maude tries to deny it, but is clearly flattered by the attention and blames Joanna for being less than desirable. As they argue, Walter decides he doesn’t want to go to the party, so Maude bluffs that she will call and tell Joanna the real reason… but ends up handing the phone over to Walter who claims he has a headache. When Maude is clearly agitated, Walter then changes his tune and demands to go to the party. As the argument continues, Walter tells Maude that Cliff is having an affair with Harriet Powers. Maude goes from thinking that Cliff is a great man to thinking he is a slimeball, admitting that she liked feeling special when Cliff flattered her. Cliff calls as they head out, and once he turns on the charm, Maude is smitten again. After the party Maude and Walter discuss Cliff and how he was so drunk, he even flirted with his wife. 10/3/18

SEASON 2

• 023. Walter’s Problem: Part 1 – 9/11/1973
  • The night after a wild party, both Maude and Walter wake up with tremendous hangovers, which is even worse when Maude realizes it is Arthur sleeping next to her. They also realize that Arthur and Walter used Maude’s mother’s picture for a dart board and made prank calls to her. When Walter goes for a morning Bloody Mary, Carol speculates that they are the cocktail generation and that Walter might have an actual problem. Arthur and Walter decide to give up drinking for month, but Walter is more reluctant until Arthur challenges him to a $100 bet to see who can stay sober the longest. When he meets Arthur for lunch, he orders a Shirley Temple, but slips alcohol into it. Arthur tells Maude about it, but she doesn’t seem too concerned and starts drinking herself, but Carol continues to think he has an issue. As both Walter and Maude get drunker, they end up ruining the cake that Carol bought for Philip’s ninth birthday, which leads Maude to accuse him of having a drinking problem. Walter gets angry and slaps Maude in the face. She is quick to forgive, but Walter breaks down crying. NOTE: This is the first of a two-part episode. Jeannie Linero is Sally the waitress. 7/9/19
• 024. Walter’s Problem: Part 2 – 9/18/1973
  • In the aftermath of Walter slapping Maude, she forgives him for his black eye, but Carol isn’t as quick to blow off the situation. Walter promises to stop drinking again, but as soon as he hears about a crisis at his appliance shop, he downs another glass before heading out. Four hours later he never showed up at work and he comes home drunk having spent his afternoon at the bar. Arthur has sent over the recovered alcoholic Reverend George Shelton (Frank Campanella) to try and help Walter, but Walter wants nothing to do with him and goes on a rampage looking for a bottle of scotch that he got as a gift. Maude, who has thrown out all of the alcohol, locks Walter in the closet… but this doesn’t work out since the scotch is in there with him. Eventually Carol decides Walter is creating a hostile environment for Philip so announces she is moving out. This finally gets to Walter and throws his bottle of scotch through the window. Weeks later he has successfully quit drinking, but has replaced his vice with wanting constant sex… to the point that Maude has to lock him in the closet again. NOTE: This is the second of a two-part episode. 7/9/19
• 025. Walter’s Holiday – 9/25/1973
  • Walter is in such a good mood one morning that he pinches Florida’s cheek, smacks her butt, put on a flower, treats Philp to McDonald’s, gives Florida a hat made of a paper bag and gives her a paid day off, gives Carol a macaroni necklace he made, and declares the day ‘I Love You Day.’ He takes the day off to spend a romantic day off with Maude, and starts by giving her a re-wrapped negligee. However the day is interrupted when Vivian shows up at the house in tears, whimpering about her divorce. Vivian realizes she is interrupting and leaves, but as soon as she gets out the door, Maude can hear her wailing and brings her back in. She proceeds to tell Maude that Chuck took Rufus, the dog that she gave him for his birthday. When Maude says that he is entitled to the dog, Vivian storms out and threatens to kill herself. By this time Walter is frustrated and storms out himself, heading to the health club where he hangs out with Arthur, refusing to go home or make up with Maude… until Vivian comes to the club and tells him that Maude says she doesn’t want to live and has taken some red pills. Walter rushes home, only to find that Maude merely took aspirin. She finally admits that she sent Vivian with the outrageous story to get him back. Walter is again furious but settles it by arm wrestling Maude and defeating her by cheating. Maude apologizes and the two make up. When Vivian calls in the middle of the night, Maude simply covers the phone with a pillow. Johnny Brown is the salesman. Hal Collins is the fat man in the steam room. 3/2/20
• 026. Maude’s Facelift: Part 1 – 10/2/1973
  • After returning from a failed job interview, Maude is told by Carol that Vivian is coming over with a surprise after returning from a five-week Caribbean trip where she went to get over her divorce. Maude hopes she has found a man, but it turns out that she had checked into Mount Sinai and gotten a facelift. Although she gives her several back-handed comments, Maude tells Vivian that she is happy for her…but privately tells Florida that now Maude feels like she looks much older than Vivian. It soon becomes clear to Vivian that Maude is jealous of her facelift and wants one of her own, but Maude adamantly denies this to Vivian, Carol, and herself. She tells Carol that Walter would never want Maude to get a facelift, but when she asks him, he tells her that it would be terrific. This leads to a huge fight between the two of them, and Walter swears he thinks she is beautiful and will love her with or without the facelift. Maude interprets this as Walter dying for her to have a facelift… and she plans to do just that. NOTE: This is the first of a two-part episode. 3/2/20
• 027. Maude’s Facelift: Part 2 – 10/9/1973
  • While Walter teaches Philip the finder points of nonchalantly zipping up one’s zipper, Carol and Vivian excitedly await Maude’s return from having her facelift completed. She had told Walter that she was visiting her mother in Boston for three weeks and plans to surprise him. Carol is unsuccessful in keeping him there when he goes out for a haircut. Maude returns under wraps, disappointed that Walter isn’t there and wanting him to be the first to see it. Under pressure from everyone, she finally reveals her new face and they are all astounded that she looks six years younger. Walter finally comes home and is so busy hugging Maude that she gets frustrated that he doesn’t look at her. When they finally lock eyes, he only wants to know how she likes his haircut. She is furious that he failed to notice any difference and storms upstairs. Everyone tells him that she got a facelift, so he plans to act as if he couldn’t see her without his glasses. No one wants to be around for it, so they all leave. He puts on an act that he loves it once he puts on his glasses, but she isn’t having any. She also thinks she might have made a mistake since they will never look like the same couple since Walter is still an ‘old man.’ Walter flatters her and says he loves all of her and was happy that she was home. She is satisfied with Walter’s explanation, and also that she got flattered by a man at a restaurant who thought that Maude and Carol both worked for the airline. NOTE: This is the second of a two-part episode. 6/14/20
• 028. Florida’s Affair – 10/16/1973
  • With the furnace broken and the house freezing, Walter and Maude hire a repairman named Whitenauer Fulton (Ron Glass) to fix it. He gets on the bad side of Walter when he wants to upcharge him $600 while he is in the middle of the job. He also bothers Florida by flirting with her constantly, despite her rebuffs and warnings that she is a married woman. When Maude and Walter head out to Jesus Christ Superstar, Florida begs Maude not to leave her alone with him, but when Maude tries to talk to him, Fulton develops a Stepin Fetchit-like character, and won’t pay any attention to what she say. When Maude leaves, Florida invites her friend Stella (Helen Martin) over, but Stella merely warns Florida that it sounds as if she trusts herself even less than she trusts Fulton. Once they are alone, Fulton continues to woo her, and eventually gets her to not only smile, but join him in dancing in the living room… just as her husband Henry arrives to pick her up. Henry wants to fight Fulton, but Fulton runs out. Henry does the same thing, and then doesn’t come home that night. The next day Florida is furious that Maude left her alone, but eventually admits that she became attracted to Fulton. Maude, Walter, Carol, Arthur, and Vivian all get into an argument about why it is okay for men to flirt but not women. Henry shows up to talk to Florida, and they quickly become amused at the other and their bickering. They leave together and kiss and make up outside, with Florida apologizing for her actions… while the fighting escalates inside the house. 6/15/20
• 029. Maude Takes a Job – 10/23/1973
  • Walter comes home after a hard day at work and is beside himself when Maude is not there to fuss over him and let him lay his head in her lap. She comes home from her real estate job extremely excited that she is about to close a deal that will net her a $932 commission. Walter feigns enthusiasm briefly, but when he can’t get a word in edgewise about his own day, he starts to feel irritated all over again. This is exascerbated further when her clients the Bungays (Tom Pedi, Priscilla Morrill) meet her at the house and think that it is for sale, even interrupting Walter’s dinner to look over the kitchen. He finally blows his stack and throws them out. She follows behind them to show them the house, but when she returns, Walter isn’t home. When it gets to be 2am and Walter still isn’t home, she wakes up Carol and starts calling around looking for him frantically. When he comes home tipsy, he tells her that from now on, whenever he comes home and she’s not there, he is leaving. Maude finally gives in and tells him that from now on she intends to be the perfect wife. The next morning she cooks him breakfast like a dutiful housewife, but as the morning progresses, she starts to get annoyed at everything… culminating in her spray painting Walter when he mentions her painting the kitchen chairs. When her boss Mr. Curtis calls to give her another assignment, she has to tearfully tell him that she needs to quit. When Walter sees her defeated expression, he has a change of heart and tells her to call him back and take the job. As a joke, he sets it up for Maude to see him laying his head on Florida’s lap when she comes home. Maude yells at him and tells him to get off of her, then lays her head on Florida’s lap herself. 9/28/20
• 030. The Double Standard – 10/30/1973
  • Carol is camping with her baby-faced boyfriend Chris (Fred Grandy), a pediatrician from Boston, and when Arthur suggests to Maude that it is inappropriate for them to be camping before they are married, Maude defends her tooth and nail and says that Arthur is old-fashioned and behind the times. In fact, when Carol and Chris return to the house, Maude offers to let Chris stay the night before he has to drive back to Boston. However, she assumes he will stay in the guest room, while Carol assumes he will stay in her room. Maude is torn up about it but feels like a hypocrite to admit it. She finally acquiesces, but then tries to keep them up all night playing Charades and singing You Are My Sunshine. Carol calls her out on it and tells her that they will just leave if it is easier. Maude confesses to Walter that she is acting like a hypocrite. They go back and forth whether they will stay or leave, and Carol admits she too would be more comfortable if they left because deep down, she is old-fashioned and would have felt funny about sleeping together in her mother’s house. After a night of sleeping in the camper, Carol and Chris come in the next morning and announce that they are engaged. Maude invites Chris to stay over… and proceeds to get the guest room ready. 9/28/20
• 031. Vivian’s Problem – 11/6/1973
  • As Walter and Carol try to play Scrabble with her, Maude is more interested in looking out for Vivian to return after she sent her on a blind date with a man named Harry Lymon, with whom Maude is sure will be the one for Vivian. However, when she does return, she says it was the worst date she ever had, as he didn’t take her to dinner, but immediately wanted to be intimate. Vivian is furious and swears off men, refusing to speak about it with Maude any longer, but does say that the bet date she had was with a 71-year-old man. Maude suggests that Vivian talk with a mature man who might be able to give her some perspective and asks Arthur to talk to her. Arthur and Vivian go back to her house, and while he prepares shrimp, Vivian finally calms down and the two find some commonalities in their love of poems and shrimp. Arthur says that there are men who interested in more than sex… but then nearly attacks her trying to kiss her, causing her to trip and rip and her dress. She returns to Maude’s house furious and hysterical, causing Maude to attack Arthur when he comes looking for her. Cool heads quickly prevail when Arthur admits that he did try to be affectionate but insisted that he made a real connection and for the first time, wanted to be affectionate. Vivian is flattered and forgives him, and they return to his house to finish having dinner. She comes home that night smitted, and while Walter is tickled by their relationship, it makes Maude sick. 1/16/21
• 032. Maude’s Musical – 11/13/1973
  • Maude is hosting a burlesque musical to raise money for the library fund. Arthur, as a member of the school board, has arranged for her to have the performance in the high school gym… but as he watches some of the numbers, he feels that the show and outfits are too risqué… especially when Carol wears her belly dancing outfit. Furthermore, she nixes his proposal to sing WW2 era song The Siegfried Line. He finally draws the line when he sees Vivian shaking her hips in a number, and he goes to the school principal Mr. Fishman (Phil Leeds) and warns him that his job will be in jeopardy if he doesn’t cancel the show. Maude rehearses her song Hard Hearted Hannah, the ensemble rehearses a schoolroom skit, and Maude and Florida rehearse their rendition of Me and My Shadow. Mr. Fishback and Arthur then speak to Maude and argue about who has the right to decide what is moral. Eventually Maude gives up and says there will be no show, and the audience will be deprived of the fun, laughter, and performance of The Siegfried Line. Arthur perks up and agrees to continue with the show as long as he can perform his number. During the show, everyone performs a song and dance routine about girls from around the world, culminating with Maude in a Statue of Liberty outfit. Arthur performs The Siegfried Line to great audience reaction… mostly because Carol is gyrating behind him in her skimpy outfit. Joey Faye is stagehand and performer Mousie. 1/16/21
• 033. The Will – 11/27/1973
  • Maude and Walter are getting ready to head to a formal dinner for the American Council for Women where they are going to be awarded as husband and wife of the year for the work they’ve done to advance the Equal Rights Amendment in the state. Walter is in a panic because he can’t find his tie and studs, and Maude is panicking because the cleaner (Louis Guss) hasn’t delivered her dress yet. Maude is also pre-occupied with her friend Grace Roberts, who is in a stir because her husband Chubby has recently passed away and has his will tied up with a trustee. Carol and Chris and Vivian and Arthur are also going along, and Arthur naturally downplays the importance of the NRA. They also discuss Grace’s predicament, and Maude finds out that Walter has set up Arthur as the trustee for his will. Maude is furious and declares that she’s not going to the dinner. Walter claims that it protects Maude, while she believes that he doesn’t trust her. Maude puts on earmuffs and refuses to even listen to Walter. The Hausers and the Cronins arrive to pick up Maude and Walter, only to find them in the midst of a huge fight. Maude then decides that she is going to the dinner, but that she doesn’t want Walter to go. She also tells Walter that she’s not accepting his estate, telling him that she is liberated and free, while he feels like he’ll be a laughingstock. When he finally says he’ll cut out the trustee, she agrees to take everything he has… and tells him that he wins as usual. Cecil Reddick is Mr. Hauser. 5/12/21
• 034. Carol’s Problem (aka The Wedding Gift) – 12/4/1973
  • It’s Sunday morning and Maude is grumpy because Walter snored all night. Phillip is off to church and wonders why he’s the only one who ever goes, so Maude admits that she and Walter are hypocrites. Maude is also excited to tell Carol the great news that she found them a house, but Walter wants no part of it. When she finally tells Carol and Chris that she’s put a down payment on the perfect house, they are grateful, but would rather pick out their own. However, after Maude describes it, they are anxious to see it… until they realize that she’s picked out the house across the street. Carol is adamant that she doesn’t want to live that close to Maude. Chris thinks she is too hard on Maude, and they get in a fight as well, and he leaves to go for a walk. Maude and Carol fight, because Maude tries to put her on a guilt trip, suggesting that Carol hates her. Walter also gets irritated by Maude’s irrational behavior, and he leaves as well. Maude and Carol continue to bicker, but they come to the conclusion that mothers are born to meddle and daughters are born to resent. They make up, and then Maude begins to give her more advice on how to drive to New Jersey and tells her not to slouch. Phillip returns from church and tells Maude that he told the people at church how Maude said they were hypocrites, and as a result, they would be the subject of the next sermon. 5/12/21
• 035. Music Hath Charms – 12/11/1973
  • It’s Maude and Walter’s fifth anniversary, and he has brought home an electric organ for the family, but Walter has become addicted to playing it into the wee hours of the morning. Maude tries to be supportive, while everyone else, including the neighbors, are annoyed by it. Eventually, even Maude’s nerves start to wear thin and she breaks down screaming that he needs to stop playing Old Black Joe. It reaches a boiling point, and he storms out while Maude is saying she never wants to see him again. Walter then plows his car into a tree, causing Maude to faint, and plead for him to be okay. When he comes inside, she is so grateful that he is alive, she vows never to fight again, and Walter does likewise. Four days later, the house has never seemed so quiet, as they’ve been like young lovers getting along swimmingly. They go out for dinner and dancing at a French restaurant to celebrate… but clearly, they are both miserable. Neither will say an unkind word to the other, but Maude has picked up that Walter has a new nervous tic and is humming to himself all of the time, causing her to have a headache. She also forgives him for stepping on her foot while dancing. When the waiter Felipe (Phil Leeds) brings her the steak, it is obvious she doesn’t care for it, but she will not admit it to Walter. Felipe is willing to take it back, but Maude won’t hear of it. The argument starts to escalate, to the point that Walter is standing on top of the chair and addressing the entire restaurant. In the middle of the fight, Maude realizes that Walter is no longer humming, and Maude’s headache is gone. They realize that it has been hard on them to not have any confrontation, and now they are much happier after yelling. Later at home, Walter tells Carol that they agreed that he could keep the organ, as long as he allowed Maude to take up an instrument… but when she comes in with her new bass drum, Walter concedes he will get rid of the organ. Keith Taylor is the grocery delivery boy. Arthur Peterson is the annoyed diner. Johnny Silver is the second waiter. 9/5/21
• 036. The Office Party – 12/18/1973
  • On Christmas Eve, Walter and Maude are hosting the annual Finley’s Friendly Appliances office party at their house. Walter and Maude circulate the house trying to emphasize that all of Walter’s employees are like family, although Maude refers to Helen (Patsy Garrett) as Harriet and makes unspecific plans to have Fred (Johnny Silver) and Margaret (Helen Page Crump) over for dinner. The employees rave over Walter being the greatest boss ever, while privately Gus (Woodrow Parfrey) and Charlie (Henry Calvert) debate on whether to announce that they have unanimously voted to unionize. They consult Maude, and she thinks it is good news, as it means their little store has become a real business. Maude also is a strong supporter of unions, although when the mailman Henry Peterson (Jack Grimes) stops by to pick up his Christmas gift, she basically slams the door in his face. As Walter is dressed like Santa and gets ready to hand out the bonuses, Maude interrupts and has the guys deliver the message about the union. Walter’s face drops, and he walks out on the party to go upstairs and sulk. Maude coaxes him back down, but he is furious and tells everyone that it may kill his business, and it will no longer have the same family atmosphere. He tells Maude how he’s helped them through personal issues, and given them loans when needed, and now he plans to fire them all, an option that Arthur agrees with. Maude says he’s behaving like a benevolent ‘Big Daddy’ and that he should remember that he’s dealing with real people who have needs. Walter goes out to fire them anyway, but then realizes that Maude is right, so he not only doesn’t fire them, but he blesses the union, realizing he could have fired them just because his feelings where hurt. The mailman returns with a package from Tiffany’s that has been utterly destroyed. They all return to the piano and sing We Wish You a Merry Christmas. Eddie Carroll and Samantha Harper are Harry and Edna, the couple Walter finds under the coats in the bedroom. 9/5/21
• 037. The Love Birds – 1/1/1974
  • Maude and Walter are planning to host Vivian and Arthur for dinner, and Maude doesn’t look forward to their lovey-dovey behavior. She soon learns when she answers the door that she had nothing to worry about as they are in the throes of a terrible argument. Vivian is furious that Arthur keeps talking about his late wife Agnes, and feels she is in competition with the dead woman. Maude tries to explain to her that Agnes was the only woman that Arthur ever had. Walter, likewise, calms Arthur down and tells him to return to his normal, debonair self and she will calm down. They briefly return to their loving state until he carves the duck and makes some jokes that he said he used to tell Agnes. Vivian again explodes, and Walter takes her side that she shouldn’t be subjected to so much talk about her ex, citing the fact that they moved into the house that Maude had shared with her ex-husband Albert. Vivian storms out of the house with Arthur following, and then Maude and Walter have their own blow-up. This culminates with Maude creating a ‘House for Sale’ sign to put outside, since it is clear that it still bothers Walter to live in Albert’s old house. Arthur then returns with an injured hand after punching Vivian’s front door, and she quickly comes following. When she sees Arthur’s hand, she begins talking sweetly to him and tells him that if she could believe he was over Agnes, she’d marry him right away. When he tells her to believe it, she takes it as a marriage proposal, and announces their engagement. As they are leaving, he suggests they move into his house after they’re married and wants to show off Agnes’s sewing room that he only enters once a year on his anniversary with Agnes. Maude hears this and apologizes to Walter if she ever acted that way. Maude and Walter make up and remember the various fights they had all over their house, and realize that there’s love everywhere in the home. 3/6/22
• 038. Maude’s Guest – 1/8/1974
  • Maude is excited to participate in a program whereby she will bring a black inner-city child to live with them for the Summer, in order to try and learn about each other’s cultures and bring black and white folks closer together. Maude fills her guest room with black cultural posters and adornments, even though it means taking Philip’s record player into the guest room. Maude has Carol make fried chicken and grits for dinner. Although Maude is expecting an adorable, needy child, young Francie Potter (Tamu aka Tamu Blackwell) shows up with a bad attitude before she ever comes in the house. She had done the same thing the previous Summer with another white family and hated every minute of it. She wants to leave upon arrival, but Maude bribes her $20 to stay, so that she won’t look foolish in front of her friends and family. Later Maude and Walter throw a Valentine’s Day party and invite Vivian and Arthur over. After Arthur gives Maude a ‘joke’ Valentine card, Maude gives one to Francie. She reciprocates by giving Maude a rude oral card. She then starts acting as if she was asked to perform like a monkey, throwing bananas and Valentine Day cards around the room, before mounting the coffee table and dancing like a native. Although Maude keeps saying that she won’t lose her temper, she finally does just that, and lays into Francie about her attitude. She tells her that if she doesn’t want to be there, she is welcome to leave. Francie storms back to her room, then heads to the kitchen. When Maude confronts her, she tells her that ifh she’s going to be in the house, she wants to contribute and is going to clean up the mess she made. She also returns the $20 to Maude. Later, after Francie has returned home, Maude keeps in touch with her and tells Florida how much she misses her. 3/6/22
• 039. The Wallet – 1/8/1974
  • Maude finds a wallet in a store parking lot that belongs to a new fellow club member named Walter Kilmartin. She calls Kilmartin’s wife to come pick up the wallet, but Walter and Arthur believe that Kilmartin is having an affair, and thus Maude was irresponsible to ask the wife to pick up the wife since there may be incriminating evidence in the wallet. Maude is adamant that she is going to give it to the wife, and if he is a womanizer, that is his problem. Walter and Arthur go through the wallet and find a receipt for a rented apartment in the city made out to a Walter Smith. They deduce he must be paying for the apartment of a mistress, so Walter takes the receipt out and puts it in his wallet. Later, Maude finds the receipt and she then suspects her own Walter of having the mistress. She goes to see the lady, a young woman named Norma (Arlene Golonka), who admits to the affair. In dramatic fashion, Maude pleads with her to let Walter go since she is young and can get anyone. Norma tells Maude that if she put as much passion as her performance into the bedroom, she wouldn’t worry about her husband losing interest. She also tells Maude that Walter is also cheating on her, and Maude has no choice but to comfort her as well. Maude gets ready to leave and tells her that she will take care of Walter, when Norma thanks her and calls her Mrs. Kilmartin. Maude then feels guilty for distrusting Walter, so she goes home and confesses what she did, but then becomes angry when Walter reveals that Carol already told him. Walter in turn tells Maude that she didn’t learn anything from this, and dumps his wallet for her to examine. Although she refuses, she finds a secret compartment in the wallet, causing Walter to freak out and tell her to stay out of. It turns out to be an autographed lipstick imprint from Jane Russell, he’s been carry for nearly 30 years. Maude confesses that she has something similar in a scar on her neck that she’s always said was from a firecracker accident. She got it from her first love Billy Goodfield when he tries to kiss her, slipped, and cut her neck with his braces. They argue over which of their ‘souvenirs’ is more personal. Later, Walter rouses Maude’s curiosity by planting a giant box in the living room and tell her that it is something very personal of Arthur’s. When she looks inside, it turns out to be Arthur himself. 7/9/22
• 040. Maude’s Revolt – 1/22/1974
  • It’s Maude’s 48th birthday, and she think that she and Walter are going out with their friends George Krupton (Richard Collier) and his wife (Lyla Graham), but instead he has invited guest over and they are waiting downstairs to surprise her. Before they go down, Maude makes Walter promise that he’ll stay by her side instead of pairing off into groups of men and groups of women like normal. Arthur accidentally rings the doorbell, and then has to pretend that he’s come over to borrow some garbage to test out his new compactor. Eventually Maude makes her way downstairs and is indeed surprised, but quickly becomes irritated when Walter drifts toward conversations with the other men. She brings him into the kitchen and warns him about his promise, but soon he has gotten himself involved in a conversation about the energy crisis. To make a point, Maude makes a noose and acts as if she is going to hang herself to get his attention, then she flees upstairs and starts playing Solitaire. She sarcastically tells Walter to just ring a bell whenever he needs her services. No matter what he says, she won’t come down, so he goes down by himself, where he finds all of the men arguing with their partners about leaving the women out of conversations. He gets them all to unite and pretend they’re having a great time in order to lure Maude back down. When Carol puts music on and everyone starts dancing, Maude can’t help but dancing by herself upstairs. The kicker is when they start a Conga line, and Maude has no choice but to follow them downstairs… only to get in the face by the kitchen door when everyone comes through it. She admits she was acting childish, but when she hears Walter talking about how she ‘bought it’, she gets angry again. Walter tries to make excuses for himself, but then gives her a heartfelt apology, she finally forgives him. He gives her a nice robe for her birthday, and when she asks him how she can ever thank him, he rings the bell… for her services. Walter caps off the night by bringing in Maude’s cake, stumbling, and winding up with his face in it. Eugene Elman and Pat Howard are Harvey Stillwell and his wife. 7/9/22
• 041. The Commuter Station – 1/29/1974
  • A train conductor (Guy Raymond) leads a group of train commuters into a commuter station when the tracks become unusable during a snowstorm. Among them are an executive (Norman Bartold) and his much younger girlfriend (Mews Small), whom he claims is his niece, a skier with a broken arm (Will Mackenzie), a drunk (John Hillerman), and a back hippy (Gene Woodbury) with a guitar. Following them into the station are Maude and Walter, Arthur and Vivian, and Carol and Chris. They had all come to Vermont at Maude’s suggestion as a great place for Arthur and Vivian to have their wedding. Unfortunately, the same thing happened this time as had happened twice before: Arthur got sick and threw up when the ‘do you take this woman?’ question came up. Vivian is furious and thinks Walter doesn’t love him. He tries to use the excuse that he caught a four-hour flu bug, but even Arthur and Maude don’t believe him. Once Walter has ‘recovered’, he claims that if there were a minister were there, he would marry her right now. It turns out the skier with the broken arm is in fact a minister. When he tries to marry them. Arthur once again becomes sick and has to rush to the bathroom. Walter tries to talk to him in the restroom, but they can’t get to the hang-up of what his hang-up is. Out in the waiting area of the station, where the conductor announces they will likely be stranded for a while, Maude deduces that Vivian’s ex-husband Chuck may be the culprit as to what is making Arthur so nervous. Since he was a tall, healthy athlete, she deduces that Arthur might be concerned about his performance in bed. Maude forces Arthur and Walter to let her into the bathroom, where she forces her theory on Arthur, and makes her come out and talk to Vivian. He is too embarrassed to talk in front of everyone, and can’t face her either, so they chat on the phone in two telephone booths. Eventually, he is able to put the words together to let her know that he truly does love her but is afraid of him just being someone comfortable for her to spend her years with, whereas she still makes him tingle. She forgives him, and they decide to try again. The minister starts to marry them, but then the conductor announces that the train is fixed. He quickly rushes through the ceremony, and Walter is able to hold back the vomit and squeak out his final ‘I do’ and they are announced man and wife before boarding the train. 11/3/22
• 042. Florida’s Goodbye – 2/5/1974
  • As Walter and Maude deal with a dead battery in Maude’s car in the freezing cold, Walter can’t find his reading glasses. Maude blames it on Florida moving them, as she has been making mistakes all over the house, which Maude attributes to her ‘change of life’. That morning when Florida arrives at work, Henry is right behind her, and insisting that she tell Maude her big news. She is reluctant to tell Maude that is going to retire now that Henry received a nice raise at the firehouse, but she does tell Walter and Carol. She thinks that Maude will be overly dramatic, get her drunk, and convince her to stay. When Maude sees her that morning, she immediately jumps all over her for the mistakes she has been making. Florida tries to take the opportunity to tell her she is quitting, but Maude thinks it is a reaction to her yelling at her. Maude tries to apologize to her, but then realizes that she really does mean to retire because of Henry’s raise. Maude wishes her well but does in fact tries to get her to start drinking martinis. She also expresses that she hopes Florida will stay until she can find a replacement. It becomes apparent that this could take a very long time since Maude is so picky. She puts an ad out for a housekeeper but keeps finding fault in every one of them. When she interviews one applicant (Jean Byron), she turns her down when she learns that she mostly wants the job because of its proximity to downtown where she will be attending night school, Maude turns her down. When the next applicant, Rita Valdez (Conchata Farrell) arrives, this time Florida volunteers to interview her. Florida knows that Maude is a ‘bleeding-heart liberal’ and will look for some excuse to make the housekeeper her charity case, so Florida tries to find something in Rita with which Maude can sympathize. Rita doesn’t come up with anything like that, and really doesn’t want to play that game, but then Florida realizes that her nationality is Puerto Rican. Maude turns her down as soon as she sees her, but Florida points out that she is of Puerto Rican descent. Maude insists that nationality makes no difference to her, but as soon as Rita adopts a fake Latin American accent, Maude is ready to hire her. Maude and Florida say their goodbyes in the kitchen and both vow not to cry. They agree that they will be sure to stay in touch and visit with each other, but as Florida is leaving, she comments that life never seems to work that way, and that they may never see each other again. They then agree to change their mind, and they both collapse into tears in each other’s arms. 11/3/22
• 043. The Tax Audit – 2/12/1974
  • Walter is in a panic as he gets his tax forms together for an audit by the IRS. Walter’s accountant gets stranded in the fog in Philadelphia, so Walter has to face him alone. He is especially concerned because he has been bending the depreciation rules and accelerating it for his business trucks. When auditor Harvey Clarke (Larry Haines) arrives, Maude gets the feeling that she’s seen him somewhere before. What’s worse, she has the feeling that it was a negative encounter. She tells this both to Carol and to Walter, but they blow it off. Suddenly, when she sees his tattoo on his arm, she remembers him from 31 years earlier during the World War 2 era. She recalls that he was a sailor and had tries to rape her on a date, causing her to flail about in his car and kick her foot through his windshield. She tells this to Walter immediately, but Walter is more concerned about his tax audit and tries to convince her to let bygones be bygones. Maude keeps staring and harassing him, trying to get him to admit that he had been in Boston. He only remembers one incident in Boston, but it was at a baseball game. She then forces him to re-live the scenario and she pounces on top of him. Finally, when she mentions kicking in his windshield, he recalls the incident… but does not recall that had forced himself on her. He says he was a young man who wanted to spend the evening with a lovely lady before he went off to war. He says he remembers it quite differently, but that he apologizes if he was too aggressive with her. Maude is flattered and is quick to forgive him. Once he had left and Maude has said her goodbyes to him, Walter realizes that he has adjusted his depreciation, and Walter now owes $2700. 4/2/23
• 044. The Investment – 2/19/1974
  • Arthur and Viv return from their tax-deductible honeymoon from Akron, Ohio, and Maude is anxious to welcome them home and have them over to play bridge. Walter, however, has not only had a bad day at the store, but is also furious at Arthur and tells Maude that he doesn’t want to see him, or he will get in a fight with them. When Arthur and Viv show up, Arthur is oblivious to any reason why Walter might be angry. Walter then confides in Maude that Walter gave him a stock tip before the honeymoon, and then the company went bankrupt. Maude tells him to try and forgive Walter since he knew stocks were a risk and he only lost a few dollars. Walter promises to drop the subject, but the minute he returns to the card game, he brings it up to Arthur. He apologizes to Walter, but says he got the tip from one of his patients on whom he was operating. Walter then lets it slip that he lost over $3700 in the transaction, causing Maude to lose her cool as well. Making matters even worse, Arthur then tells them that he didn’t invest any money in the company, so he didn’t lose anything. Maude and Walter then fight because he lost so much money, while Viv fights with Arthur because he won’t tell her why he didn’t invest in the company. Viv and Arthur’s fighting escalates so badly that they start breaking dishes in the kitchen. Maude then comments on the honeymoon being over, prompting a fight with Viv. With everyone fighting, Walter and Maude storm out and say they will never step foot in the house again… even though it is their house. Walter and Maude quickly return, and they all begin laughing and they all make up. Arthur admits that the reason he didn’t invest is because he didn’t have the money. He has lost a great deal in a bad Costa Rica real estate deal, which is why they went on such a cheap honeymoon. Maude offers to loan them $2000 out of their vacation fund… until Walter tells her that it is now empty since that’s where the investment money came from. Maude throws a fit, then later suggests that they vacation in Central Park. 4/2/23
• 045. Phillip’s Problem – 2/26/1974
  • Carol and Chris are planning on going on a trip together to Chris’s class reunion, but she feels bad about leaving Phillip with Maude and Walter because he has been acting like a brat all week and refuses to study or clean his room. Walter thinks he needs some corporal punishment, while Maude thinks she can sweet-talk him. When she offers to take him to see The Princess and the Pea, Phillip curses as her. Walter offers to spank him, but Maude says that she’ll handle it. He willingly throws himself onto Maude’s lap, but she settles on him letting out scream as she slaps her own hands together. Phillip continues to act out of control, and when Chris arrives, he tries to use his experience as a pediatrician to talk to him, but Phillip just calls him a jerk. It becomes obvious that Phillip is upset that Chris is taking the attention of his mother away from him. Carol suggests that Chris go on to his reunion alone, but everyone convinces her that she can’t let Phillip run her life or her relationship. They head out, but after talking about Phillip during the drive, they stop at a diner to argue about it more. A truck driver (Phil Bruns), who has eleven kids, tries to advise them that maybe Phillip is upset that they aren’t married yet. Chris suggests that the forget the reunion, return home to get Phillip, and go to a lodge in New Hampshire together as a family. Maude works on a Mayflower model with Maude, when she gets word that they are coming back to get him. Phillip still refuses to go, and then throws the Mayflower against the wall. Maude is finally angry enough to spank Phillip herself. She feels horrible, but Phillip tells her that he had it coming and feels worse that he upset her. When his mother and Chris return home to get him, he is agreeable to go along. After the vacation is all over, Phillip admits to Maude that he had a great time with Chris and that he is a not a bad guy… for a jerk. Peg Shirley is the waitress. 8/16/23
• 046. The Runaway – 3/5/1974
  • Maude and Walter are planning on attending an expensive theatre benefit, but are waiting on Arthur and Viv, who are running behind because they keep stopping to be passionate during dinner. Meanwhile, Maude’s old friend Francie Potter shows up outside Maude’s house with her boyfriend Hinkley (Ralph Wilcox). Their intention is for Francie to lie to Maude and tell her that her father has been beating her and she needs $300 to run away to California. Walter doesn’t believe her story and suspects that she might be pregnant. Arthur and Viv then show up ready to go, but since Maude is dealing with Francie, Arthur decides to go on to the show without waiting for them. Maude falls for her story hook. line, and sinker and tells her to wait at the house while they go to the benefit and that she’ll get the money together when they get back. After they’ve gone, Francie invites Hinkley and tells him that they’re going to get the money and that they have the whole house to themselves. However, when their car won’t start, Maude and Walter return and catch Francie and Hinkley kissing. They tell Maude that they’re heading to California to be married and plan to get a recording contract with their band The Electric Shortcake for Motown, with Francine singing and Hinkley on the spoons. They play their rendition of Yankee Doodle Dandy. Maude takes pity on them and decides to get them the money anyway. However, Francine’s father (Juan DeCarlos) shows up at the house, but when Maude accuses him of abusing Francine, he become angry at the accusation, and Francine admits that he never laid a finger on her. Walter then reports that Hinkley has sneaked out of the kitchen… taking all of their spoons with him. Maude expresses her anger with Francien lying to her, and telling Francine that she doesn’t need to be with a man who makes it conditional that she run away to California with him. Francine agrees to come talk it over with Maude if she ever decides to go on one of these ‘whoopee’ trips again. Maude confesses to Walter that she knows Francine was still lying, and that she’d be off with him if he ever tries to talk her into running away with him again. 8/16/23

SEASON 3

• 047. Maude Meets the Duke – 9/9/1974
  • Arthur has kept the entire Finley household up all night cutting his grass at 2am, and then again at 8am. Walter and Maude are convinced that something is wrong with him, so they insist that he tell them what is going on. Arthur reluctantly admits that actor John Wayne (himself) is coming to his house for lunch that day. Arthur initially says he know John Wayne, but then admits that he’s never met him before. He explains that he has written Wayne a fan letter every week for twenty-five years, and now he has written back, telling him that he is coming to town for the premiere of his new film Brannigan, and plans to have lunch with Arthur, and then bring him to the movie. Maude does a lot of criticizing Wayne for his acting, but mostly for his conservative politics. Walter and Carol are both anxious to meet the Duke himself, but Maude shows no interest. Just then, they are all hit by an earthquake, but more damages happen to Arthur’s house, and Viv reports that part of their ceiling fell in. Arthur’s number one concern is how he is going to host lunch with John Wayne, along with the reporters he alerted and called in a drum and bugle corps. Arthur asks Maude if she will allow Duke to come to their house, but Maude says she couldn’t possibly allow anyone so conservative in her house. Walter demands that half of the house is his, and he tells Arthur he can use it. Philip’s crying helps Maude to go along with letting him use the house too, so Philip begins charging his friends. The neighborhood lady Liz (Elisabeth Fraser) tries to finagle her way into the house with her husband and kids. Maude gets sick of the event before it even starts, especially when the band comes marching through the living room. As Maude is raging at everyone, John Wayne shows up at the door, leaving Maude completely speechless. Suddenly, she is a very different woman, swooning at the movie star in her living room. Philip tells Maude that he told his friends that she was going to spar with John Wayne over politics. He overhears this and tells Maude that he never discusses politics with women. Maude is able to bite her tongue until Wayne says that he is okay with allowing women to work, as long as she has his dinner on the table every night. This finally gets to her, and she starts to confront him and scream at him, but then suddenly asks him to dance with her instead, recalling her days with him the dark theaters when she was a young woman. 12/11/23
• 048. The Kiss – 9/16/1974
  • Walter has been smoking a pipe and driving Maude crazy. Likewise, she pokes fun at him for his high-heeled boots, and then diagnoses that he is going through ‘male menopause.’ While the two of them are bickering, Viv comes over to the house in tears because Arthur is threatening to get rid of her dog Chuck. According to Viv, Arthur provoked Chuck, causing him to pee on Arthur’s leg. Arthur then retaliated by peeing on Chuck, and then threatening to kick him out of the house. She talks Maude into going over and talking sense into Arthur, while Maude leaves Viv to be comforted by Walter. Maude tells Arthur is behaving like a dummy and stands to lose something much bigger since Viv thinks of Chuck like a son. She encourages Arthur to try and see Chuck as a son as well, so Arthur tells Chuck that he’s going to give him one more chance… prompting Chuck to once again pee on Walter’s leg. Meanwhile, Walter is comforting Viv by complimenting her and telling her that he likes dogs. She in turn tells him that he is very poetic, good looking, and that she likes the smell of a pipe. Suddenly Walter admits that he was just getting an urge to kiss Viv, so he takes his arm away from being around her. She then also admits that she was feeling like kissing him. Before they can say more, they do in fact kiss each other… just as Arthur and Maude are walking in. Maude thanks Walter for their five and a half years of marriage and starts talking about how they can divide things up. Walter and Viv try to tell their spouses that they are overreacting, and the kiss was just a gesture in the moment of comforting each other, because they love one another as friends. Maude and Arthur are both angry, mostly at Walter, but Walter storms off to smoke his pipe in the kitchen. Vivian, who doesn’t care for being accused of infidelity joins Walter in the kitchen. Arthur suggests that he and Maude kiss to get even, but she says she would rather just shoot the other two. Arthur then breaks down in tears because of his rough day, starting with dog and ending with Walter and Viv kissing. Maude comforts him and tells him that he really wouldn’t be so bad to kiss, and then they do so… just as Walter and Viviann walk in. They understand and tells them that this was what they were trying to explain, that it was done more out of genuine love rather than lust. They agree to make up, so Walter and Arthur run into each other’s arms. After almost kissing the wrong wife again, each man then makes up with his own wife. 12/11/23
• 049. Walter’s Heart Attack – 9/23/1974
  • Maude is anxious for Walter to come home from his shop where he is performing an inventory so that they can celebrate the seventh anniversary of their first date. She is starting to get upset that he is two hours later, and it is now 1:00am. Meanwhile, Walter isn’t at his shop at all, but is in the apartment of his employee Adele (Jill Clayburgh), who has threatened to commit suicide. He desperately wants to leave but insists that she give him her sleeping pills so that she won’t overdose after he’s gone. She gets angry and gives him her pills and throws him out, but then tells him that she gave him her birth control pills. Walter gets stressed and thinks he is having gas pains, but once the pains creep into his chest, he calls Arthur for advice. His other employee Walter keeps relaying information to Maude every time she calls for him, telling her that he is in the restroom. Arthur runs over to Adele’s apartment and takes him to the hospital, while Viv runs over to Maude’s in a panic to tell her the news. She is so upset that she has to relay the info by Charades. After Maude faints, she heads over to the hospital, where Walter has indeed had a mild heart attack. Arthur keeps the info about him being at Adele’s apartment from Maude, but when Adele shows up to bring Walter the eyeglasses that he left behind, Maude overhears her say that he was in her apartment. Walter is now scared to go home and face Maude, so he extends his stay in the hospital for three weeks, by which time Arthur insists that he has to leave. Back home, Maude tells Viv and Carol how furious she is at him, but also is very grateful that he is okay. Arthur finally builds Walter’s confidence up so that he is willing to go home, but then tells him that Maude knows about Adele. When Walter gets home, he acts like a complete invalid, slowly knitting a shawl as he tries to recover. Maude takes mercy on him and treats him with sympathy… until he makes the mistake of asking about his glasses. After it is all out in the open, Maude tells him that all is forgiven, and he tells her that she is wonderful… then admits that he was faking still being weak. She said she is thrilled that he has fully recovered and is the happiest woman in the world, hugs him, and then calls him a son of a bitch and begins berating him. 4/17/24
• 050. The New Housekeeper – 9/30/1974
  • Maude is hosting a fundraiser gathering at her house to support Stamp Out Discrimination Against Women after a bank worker was fired for being pregnant and needs funds for a lawyer. Since Florida is no longer with them to help get ready, Maude hires a British woman named Nell Naugatuck (Hermione Baddeley) for a one-week trial. Walter is furious that Maude has hired a sleep-in maid without even consulting him and wants her to tell the maid that they don’t need her. Maude thinks that having a British housekeeper will be charming, but as soon as she meets Mrs. Naugatuck and learns that she used to be a housekeeper in a British ‘bawdy house’, in addition to being loud, opinionated, and quite unrefined, she wonders if she’s made the right choice. Maude tells Walter that if he wants her fired, he’ll have to do it himself. However, she goes on and on about the respect due to the master of the house and immediately begins to pamper him. Walter reconsiders his views on having her, which pleases Maude, but the minutes she tries to assign Mrs. Naugatuck some work, she tells Maude that pampering the master comes first. This leads to argument between Maude and Mrs. Naugatuck with Mrs. Naugatuck quitting and Maude firing her. She tells her that she needs to re-think her views on male/female relationships, while Mrs. Naugatuck is stuck in the ways of her upbringing. Finally, Walter intervenes and tells Maude to calm down and let Mrs. Naugatuck be who she is, but tells Mrs. Naugatuck that Maude has a point about the way she is servile to men. He insists that they settle their differences before the guest arrive. Once the first couple (Jack Manning, Alice Backes) gets there, Mrs. Naugatuck couldn’t be more charming to them, prompting them to compliment Maude on her selection of housekeepers. Maude tells Carol that she’ll have her eating out of her hand in no time, but Mrs. Naugatuck tells Walter the same thing. Jack Griffin is the delivery man. 4/17/24
• 051. Speed Trap – 10/7/1974
  • Maude is bitter that Walter is leaving over the three-day weekend fishing trip with Arthur, leaving Maude and Viv alone and cooped up in the house to go off their diets and binge on junk food. They assume that Walter and Arthur having a great time and laughing it up without them, but they are actually being taken to jail to get a speeding ticket, even though Walter was only going four miles over the speed limit. The arresting cop (Hector Elizondo) wants to get through the arrest with quiet, as he has left New York to live among peace and quiet. Walter neither has his license nor the fifty dollars so that they can be released on bond. Walter and Arthur get into a screaming match over whose fault it was that all of their belongings wound up on the bottom of Lake Willoughby after they caught their tent on fire and stood up in the boat when they saw the tent going up in flames. The cop insists that they’ll have to make their case to the judge in the morning and will have to spend the night in the cell that night. They agree to call Vivian instead of Maude, but they get the answering machine saying that she is spending the weekend with Maude. They then call Maude, who is chowing down on Chinese with Vivian, but she hangs up on him thinking that he just wants to gloat about the good time he is having. The cop remembers that the judge won’t be in on Sunday, so they are stuck in there for two days with another prisoner named Roy (Al Freeman Jr.). The cop then finds a marijuana joint in the camper that Walter borrowed from his nephew. Walter calls home again and leaves a message for Philip to tell Maude where he is when she gets back from Kentucky Fried Chicken. Walter tries to get advice from Roy, telling him that they are different than he is since he is black and is used to injustice. Roy lets him know that their stations are now very similar since they are all the same behind bars. The cop notifies them that since their crime has become a felony, it might be a few weeks before the judge can get them on the docket. Maude finally calls back while eating a caramel apple and she and Vivian find it hilarious that their tent burned down, and their canoe tipped over. They can’t stop laughing before Vivian hangs up on them. Arthur has a meltdown and offers anything if the cop will let him out. He starts going berserk and tearing up the cell, including ripping up the throw pillows that the cop’s wife made him for Christmas. The cop rips up the ticket, flushes the joint, and tells them to get out of his jail. However, he keeps Roy since he is a model prisoner. 9/5/24
• 052. Lovers in Common – 10/14/1974
  • Maude meets Vivian for lunch and is in a great mood because an old flame has been rekindled while Walter and Arthur are out of town for a weekend of golf. She has received a postcard from Peter Durland (Lee Burgere), and old lover with whom Vivian also once had a relationship. Vivian is immediately jealous and shows Maude that she also has received a postcard from Peter. As they bicker about which one of them Peter liked more, they both agree to only see Peter together so that they are not tempted to cheat on their husbands. They come home drunk and continue their discussion about Peter, both disagreeing on who Peter wants to see more. Vivian also tells Maude that her last night with Peter was the same night that he came to see her. Vivian also tells her that Peter called her the night before and invited her to the Ramada Inn. Vivian decides to go see him, but she collapses onto Maude’s floor, before Maude throws her out. After Maude passes out on her couch, Mrs. Naugatuck gets quite drunk herself. Maude wakes up at 9:30pm, still angry at Vivian. When the doorbell rings, she assumes that it is Peter, but it is Arthur, who has come to get Vivian after the golf tournament was cancelled due to weather. Maude tells Arthur that she is at the Ramada and sends him home to see if Vivian left a note. Maude initially tries to find the number of the Ramada, and then decides that Arthur will need her comfort. She leaves to see him, and then Vivian comes back to the house looking for Maude, feeling sick about their fight. She had been walking the streets and is told by Mrs. Naugatuck that Maude went to the Ramada Inn. Arthur comes home, and Vivian tells him that she’s at the Ramada Inn. Maude then returns and tell each other that neither has gone to the Ramada Inn. They momentarily make up, but then the husbands tell their wives that the other said that they went to the Ramada Inn. They are furious at each other for telling. Peter Durland then shows up at the house and tells each woman that they’re both as beautiful as other. Walter and Arthur are curious why both of their wives are fawning over Peter Durland. Peter compliments both husbands on having such wonderful wives, and then tells them that he has just found a new silver mine and needs $10,000 to get into production. However, Maude and Vivian notice that he still has the holes in his socks like he always did. The ladies try to convince themselves that he looked terrible, but they still find him to be beautiful, even with the same sweet seediness. 9/5/24

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