The Terrible Catsafterme

SEASON 1 – ABC

Theme music by Dan Foliart & Howard Pearl

• 001. Life and Stuff – 10/18/1988
  • Dan (John Goodman) and Roseanne Connor (Roseanne Barr) head a working class family in Lanford, Illinois. They have three children Becky (Lecy Goranson), Darlene (Sara Gilbert), and D.J. (Sal Barone). Dan works independently in construction, while Roseanne works a factory job at Wellman Plastics, along with her sister Jackie Haris (Laurie Metcalf). The family bickers with one another while getting ready for the day, and Roseanne is frustrated that she has to exchange a backpack for Darlene and having a meeting with Darlene’s history teacher Miss Crane (Judy Prescott). She has trouble leaving work early, which her boss Booker Brooks (George Clooney) reluctantly allows. Miss Crane is concerned that Darlene is barking like a dog in class, but Roseanne thinks it is normal behavior. When she gets home she finds out that Dan did not get the job he was bidding on and spent the whole day helping a friend in the garage, causing them to get in a fight about the lack of help she gets around the house. The fight is interrupted when Darlene cuts her finger, and have they act as a team to get her bandaged up, they both calm down. Later while looking at the boat that Dan is building, they show their romantic side for each other. Natalie West is Roseanne’s co-worker Crystal Anderson. Charlayne Woodard is Vonda Green. Ron Perkins is Pete Wilkins. Evelina Fernandez is Juanita Herrera. Anne Faulkner is Sylvia Foster. 8/19/15

• 002. We’re in the Money – 10/25/1988
  • Much to the surprise of Roseanne, Dan wins the bid on a drywalling job and receives an advance payment of $500 in cash. The family thinks they’re rich and Roseanne makes promises to fulfill everyone’s wish list after they pay off some bills. However they realize that they will only have $11.87 left after paying off their bills, so Dan and Roseanne reluctantly decide to be responsible with the money. Jackie talks Roseanne into buying some perfume for herself. When Dan catches her, he starts to criticize her, but then D.J. (now played by Michael Fishman) comes into the room with the bell that Dan bought for the boat he is building. They both decide to allow themselves a few luxuries, and they buy Becky the jeans she has been wanting. Christina Pickles is the perfume saleslady. 8/19/15
• 003. D-I-V-O-R-C-E – 11/1/1988
  • Although he is exhausted, Dan reluctantly takes Roseanne out for dinner to the fancy Lanford Inn, but tries to stay away from dancing. While there, they run into their friend Patsy (Patricia Gaul), whom they are surprised to find out is divorced from her husband Bob. Patsy tells Roseanne that she actually was inspired to get divorced by her when she learned of all of Roseanne’s hopes and dreams. Dan becomes concerned that Roseanne might leave her one day to fulfill her dreams, but she assures him that she is in it for the long haul. Dan asks her to dance. Meanwhile at home Jackie shows up late to babysit the kids so Becky is left in charge for a while. When Jackie comes, the kids try to lock her outside, but she makes her way in and ends up babysitting them the rest of the night. Todd Field is Charles the waiter. 11/4/15
• 004. Language Lessons – 11/22/1988
  • Dan is going crazy as he waits to find work, which causes him to be especially irritated at Jackie when she has to spend the night at his house after the pipes freeze at her place. While taking a quiz in a magazine, Dan expresses how much Jackie annoys him by being there so often, and she retaliates by ridiculing him for not having a job, causing him to storm out. Roseanne has to be the peacemaker and demands that they settle their issues. Meanwhile Darlene frantically puts together an extra credit project since she is failing History. When D.J. accidentally falls on it and destroys it, another fight erupts that Roseanne has to control. 11/4/15
• 005. Radio Days – 11/29/1988
  • Roseanne encourages Dan to enter a radio contest for the best country-western song. He reluctantly goes along with it to get the $100 prize, using one of Roseanne’s old poems and writing music around it. When the contest airs on the radio, their song doesn’t win any of the top three prizes even though there were only four entries. Meanwhile Booker warns Jackie about her attitude problem, while simultaneously giving her his phone number for a date. Although his crush on her is clear, he disciplines her for not respecting his authority at work. Darlene and Becky’s bickering gets to out of control, that their parents allow DJ to tell them when to shut up. 1/1/16
• 006. Lovers’ Lane – 12/6/1988
  • The employees at Wellman all agree to spend their night bowling together. Crystal is concerned that Roseanne won’t take the game seriously. She ends up only scoring 97 herself, while Rosanne, with a score of 7 in the last frame, manages to bowl a strike by pretending that the pins are the kids and ball is Dan’s head. Jackie meanwhile accepts a bet from Booker that she will spend the night at his place if he wins. Despite Roseanne trying to distract him, he still wins. When Jackie admits that spending the night with Booker could be wonderful, he changes his mind and says that it can’t be that night… and can’t be the result of a bet. Becky has a crush on Chip Lang (Jared Rushton), who works at the alley snack bar. Roseanne promises not to embarrass her but can’t help trying to make Becky a little bit uncomfortable when Becky finally gets up the nerve to talk to Chip, who clearly feels the same way about her. Josh Williams is Lonnie Anderson. Neil Ross voices the wrestling commentator. 1/2/16
• 007. The Memory Game – 12/13/1988
  • Dan is gung-ho to get a professional family photo taken to contribute to the yearbook for an upcoming 15-year high school reunion. The family gets dressed and ready for the photo, but Jackie nearly ruins the appointment when she brings up the week that Roseanne and Dan broke up during high school. She also spills the beans that Dan dated Roseanne’s rival Phyllis Zimmer during the short break-up. When Roseanne confronts him, he admits that he slept with her. They muddle through the photo, and Dan comforts Roseanne by telling her that she’s the only one who ever meant anything to him. Despite her irritation, she lets him cuddle her on the couch. Meanwhile the gals at Wellman Plastics take a stand about getting paper towels in their restroom. Steve Vinovich is Bob the photographer. 3/9/16
• 008. Here’s to Good Friends – 12/20/1988
  • As the snow fall in Lanford, Roseanne’s co-worker Crystal is upset about being dumped by her boyfriend Hank. Meanwhile Jackie offers Booker tickets to go with her to the auto show, but he declines, telling her that his mother is in town. When Crystal calls Roseanne after work again in tears, Roseanne and Jackie head out to take her to the Lobo Lounge. While Roseanne convinces Crystal that she is a valuable person and to stop acting like a doorman, Jackie spots Booker there with another date named Janine (Angelina Fiordellisi). Jackie borrows Roseanne’s wedding ring and pretends that she is Booker’s neglected wife, forcing Janine out the door. Jackie and Booker then hang out at the the bar and make up, but Jackie refuses to come home with him. Back at home Dan struggles to keep the kids focused on their tasks while they watch a football game, but finally gets Darlene to finish her book report on Betsy Ross… only to find out that they will be getting a snow day off school the next day. Frances Fisher is Savannah the bartender. Nancy Fish is Clair the waitress. 3/10/16
• 009. Dan’s Birthday Bash – 1/3/1989
  • It’s Dan’s birthday, and after being served a giant breakfast made by the kids, he looks forward to going out to the Lobo Lounge. During his party, a drunken patron named Bobo (Eric Allan Kramer) starts getting irritated by the noise Dan is making, and then tries to bully Dan and take over the pool table. Dan shoves Bobo, which angers Roseanne, who storms out of the party. Dan reluctantly decides to follow her rather than fight. As Dan stews, he is visited by his friend Dwight (William Sadler) who witnessed the event, but told others that it was Bobo who backed down and not Dan. This all bothers Dan, who retreats to the Lobo Lounge, where Roseanne catches up with him. Dan admits that Rosie probably saved him from a beating, but laments his domestication and lost youth. As they head home, Bob returns and insults Roseanne, prompting her to give Dan permission to fight just this once… and Dan to knock out Bobo with one punch. Meanwhile Becky goes on her first date with Chip to have dinner at his house. Chip’s wealthy mother Bonnie (Andrea Walters) accompanies Chip to pick up Becky and meet Roseanne. 6/13/16
• 010. Saturday – 1/10/1989
  • Roseanne finds it laughable that Dan is spending all Saturday afternoon working on his truck with Dwight, which escalates into a bet that Dan will get the car running by 4pm. If he wins, Roseanne will do all the snow shoveling for life; if he loses, he will clean the oven for life. Dan, Dwight, and neighbor Freddy Meeker (Bill Pentland) give it their best effort, despite the distractions, including Roseanne, Jackie, and Crystal returning from a day of shopping. Dwight is attracted to Jackie, who decides to give him a chance… until he starts in immediately with the sexual innuendo. Dan loses the bet and Dwight loses the date. Dan scolds Jackie for being so insensitive to Dwight… who has already made a date with Crystal. 6/15/16
• 011. Canoga Time – 1/17/1989
  • Roseanne leads the charge in collecting old junk around the house for a rummage sale. Dan refuses to part with a an old Canoga Beer clock, but makes a deal that if he can keep it all other things can go. He fixes up the clock, but later confesses he only keeps it to get on her nerves. Meanwhile Darlene gets Becky on board to help cover up a D grade that she got in history. She uses a red pen to change the grade… but it is all for naught as her parents recognize the forgery right away and ground her for two weeks. Jackie gets stood up by Booker for a date to an Elvis impersonator, but he tracks her down at Roseanne’s, apologizes, and tells her a story that his mother’s dog got hit by a car. Jackie doesn’t believe him, but nevertheless the two end up kissing and going out. Roseanne and Dan get in a war of throwing each other’s stuff out the front door as the argument about what goes to the rummage sale escalates. The passion leads to them in bed together. 9/5/16
• 012. The Monday Thru Friday Show – 1/24/1989
  • Roseanne laments the fact that they’ve never had a real honeymoon, but can’t agree on where it would be. Dan wants to go to a cabin in Wisconsin, while Roseanne longs to go to the beach in Sarasota, Florida. Meanwhile Darlene struggles to keep up with her newspaper route and ends up getting fired, and Becky objects to dissecting a frog and gets the support of her parents to refuse even if it means bringing her grade down to a C. Jackie decides to take the kids to Wizard World so that Roseanne and Dan can have a weekend alone and have their own honeymoon without going anywhere. They start off the weekend by Roseanne spraying Dan with the water, and him spraying her back with champagne. Gary Bayer is Darlene’s boss Attleroy (scene deleted in syndication and DVD release). 9/5/16
• 013. Bridge of Troubled Sonny – 1/31/1989
  • Jackie drives Crystal to work, but when they drive over the Monument Street Bridge, it reduces Crystal to tears. Twelve years earlier her husband Sonny was killed while building the bridge and now currently resides in the bridge’s piles. Although everyone thinks it is a bit comical, it affects Crystal so much that she refuses to date, and after Dan sets up her up with a friend, she becomes even more adamant and starts wearing her wedding ring again. Dan knows that Sonny was unfaithful to her, and eventually he and Roseanne decide to tell her so, but before they can, she reveals that she had an affair behind his back and is still overwhelmed with guilt. They drive her to the bridge for her to ‘talk’ to Sonny, and while doing so, she reveals that she only had the affair because she knew about his unfaithfulness, but nevertheless, had decided to move on and get on with her life. Meanwhile Darlene tries smoking, and when Roseanne finds cigarettes in her pocket, she and Dan encourage her to smoke, all the while warning her of the dangers in a sarcastic tone. She gets the message and says she is done with smoking. Dan helps Crystal’s son Lonnie (Josh Williams) build a birdhouse. 11/21/16
• 014. Father’s Day – 2/7/1989
  • Dan’s father Ed (Ned Beatty) comes for a visit, but Dan is less than enthused because they don’t get along. Tension begins between them right away when his father tries to talk him out of being a ‘handyman’ in favor of being a salesman like him. Ed tries to penetrate Dan’s irritation and make up with him, but that night at dinner, Dan storms out after his father tells one of his stories that Dan has heard multiple times. Roseanne goes out to talk to him, and Dan admits that it’s not the stories that bother him, but rather that Dan can see that he is becoming exactly like his father. Roseanne encourages him to think of Ed as if he had never met him before, so Dan goes back to the table and with a smile, tells his father to continue. 11/21/16
• 015. Nightmare on Oak Street – 2/14/1989
  • Dan lets the kids stay up late watching Shock Theater on TV. Although Roseanne fears it will be D.J. having nightmares, it is actually Darlene who can’t sleep at night and wants Roseanne to stay with her. After Dan and Roseanne try to get Darlene to talk about the nightmare, Darlene reveals her problem is something else entirely: at age 11, she got her first period. Darlene is furious when her mother tells her Aunt Jackie about it, and merely tolerates Dan trying to talk to her about it. Roseanne finally gets through to her and realizes that Darlene is afraid she’ll have to give up her tomboy lifestyle when she becomes a ‘woman’. Roseanne also tells her that it is the beginning of wonderful things that can happen in her life, using her and her siblings as examples. Meanwhile Becky get ready for a date with her boyfriend Chip, and gets a kiss on the cheek. 3/6/17
• 016. Mall Story – 2/21/1989
  • The Conner family take a trip to the mall for Becky to buy a new dress for a school dance and Dan to reluctantly. Jackie and Darlene tag along, and while Darlene loads up on junk food, Darlene starts to re-think her life choices when she sees a demonstration by fitness salesman Stan Harmony (Michael Gates). They also run into Crystal who is loading up on towels. Dan struggles to get help from a lazy clerk (Jonathan Chapin), and Becky wants a dress that Roseanne refuses to buy because it is too expensive. Becky gives Roseanne the silent treatment, but then realizes that she is acting too stubborn and agrees to find something in her own closet to wear. After Dan finally gets his shoes, Roseanne asks him if he will return them so that they can buy Becky the dress she wants. Mary Anne McGarry is the dress saleswoman. Beverly Dixon and Lou Wills are the bickering couple. 8/28/17
• 017. Becky’s Choice – 2/28/1989
  • Roseanne runs into Chip’s parents Bonnie and Edgar (Robert Harper) and invites them over for dinner. This makes Becky very uncomfortable as she has agreed to meet up with another boy named Johnny Swanko (Tony Crane) that night at 9pm. The evening seems to drag on forever as the Connors and Langs struggle to make conversation while they wait for the food to be ready. Becky is merely polite to Chip and tries to get out of any further dates. When dinner is finally ready, Becky is nowhere to be found, until Roseanne catches her outside making out with Johnny. Dan and Roseanne are furious with the situation, even more so because Johnny is the ‘bad boy’ of the school. When Roseanne and Dan forbid Becky from seeing Johnny, Becky questions her parents’ coolness, causing them to rethink their stance… only to decide there’s no way they’re letting her date him. They also seems to be stuck with the Langs, who stop over to bring them croissants. 8/29/17
• 018. The Slice of Life – 3/7/1989
  • Becky, who is getting ready to attend a sleepover, and Darlene are becoming embarrassed by their parents’ presence, particularly Darlene who hates when they show up at their baseball games. Roseanne’s irritation reaches an all-time high and she threatens not to let Darlene even play baseball any longer. However things turn serious when they are notified by her Coach Ted Graham (John Walter Davis) that Darlene was rushed to the hospital with appendicitis. Roseanne becomes horribly worried when Dr. Bryce (Lynn Thigpen) informs her that they need to operate quickly even though Darlene has a high fever. Frustration mounts further when their insurance company has their named spelled wrong and nearly denies payment. Once the operation is completed with no complications, Darlene awakens and apologizes for her behavior, while her parents tell her that they’ll try to honor her right to privacy a little more. Elya Baskin is the foreign man. Donna LaBrie is Nurse Chambers, and the nurse’s aide Mary is Mary Fogarty. 8/29/17
• 019. Workin’ Overtime – 3/14/1989
  • Dan and Roseanne are both feeling the effects of their jobs, and it becomes even worse when Booker announces that his staff will be working overtime all week. Roseanne and the girls are all set on edge by this and begin fighting among themselves. Even worse, the kids are not cooperating; Becky is not passing messages between parents, her hamster tracks DJ’s paint all over the living room carpet, and the bathroom is covered in paint as well. Eventually Roseanne reaches the breaking point and leaves the house to go by herself to a diner, while Dan agrees to get everything cleaned up at home. Initially the waitress (Zoaunne LeRoy) says she’s closing, but then has mercy and gets Roseanne a cup of coffee. As they chat, Roseanne finds out that she is a widow, and although she faces the same problem of being overworked, she has to go home every night to an empty house. Roseanne goes home and is impressed that Dan has cleaned everything but the bathroom, and is also touched by DJ’s family portrait painting. Although she offers to get frisky, the both nod off on the couch. Up in bed, they fantasize about taking the next day off to relax, but then ultimately make sure the alarm is set. Royce Wallace is the co-worker who fantasizes about Booker. 4/3/18
• 020. Toto, We’re Not in Kansas Anymore – 3/28/1989
  • As the Connor family gets ready for dinner, Becky plans to go to her friend’s house, and Jackie runs to the store for meatloaf bread crumbs, a storm stirs up that turns into a tornado watch. Conditions gradually continue to worsen and funnel clouds are spotted in their area. Crystal shows up at their house when she nearly loses control of her car, and Jackie finally makes it home announcing that they need to take cover as she has spotted the tornado. The power goes out and Becky scares everyone when she disappears, but then comes in with her hamsters from the garage. Jackie nearly has a breakdown, and Becky puts down her final thoughts in her diary. The twister touches down outside their house and breaks their front window, but no one is injured. Crystal and the kids go out to survey the damage, and Roseanne confesses to Jackie how worried she was about her. TV newscaster John Hale (John Getz) reports on the houses and businesses that were destroyed. Roseanne asks Dan how he would handle it if she were killed, but Dan maintains that nothing bad will ever happen to them. Roseanne however thinks that the tornado was a sign, while Dan says there are some things that just can’t be prepared for. Hal Rayle is the announcer. 4/4/18
• 021. Death and Stuff – 4/11/1989
  • On a Sunday morning, Jackie takes the kids out to get ingredients for baklava, while Dan goes to work on the refrigerator compressor. A door-to-door salesman (Jeff Corey) from Grease Blitz shows up and asks for a drink of water… and then promptly dies at he kitchen table. Dan is angry that Roseanne let in a salesman, and things become even more inconvenient when the police officer Gene (Oliver Darrow) won’t release the body until the coroner Dave (J. Patrick McNamara) arrives from his golf game to officially pronounce him dead. Although they try to hide the fact that the man is dead in the kitchen from the kids when they return, they eventually catch on when the policeman returns and spills the beans. Becky is clearly disturbed and insists on giving the salesman the name William since they don’t know his real name. Darlene prefers peeking at the body and making jokes, while Dan is inconvenienced when the body gets in his way while he is trying to fix the frig. Gene, who is Greek, helps Darlene make her baklava. Dan has also put an ad in the paper for an old washer and dryer, and potential buyers Donnie (Alan David Gelman) and Carole Karoszek (Lee Garlington) show up to check it out, as Dan tells them that he is merely their uncle who has neck spasms, leading to Carole massaging him. Eventually Dave shows up and within seconds pronounces him dead. As the body is being hauled out, the Karoszeks return and see the dead body. Ed Hamilton is Dave’s assistant Hank. 11/27/18
• 022. Dear Mom and Dad – 4/18/1989
  • As the family enjoys a poker game with Jackie, who is staying over while her apartment is fumigated, Roseanne’s father Al (John Randolph) and Beverly (Estelle Parsons) show up unannounced for a visit – 250 miles from home. They quickly begin to drive everyone crazy, especially with the way she complains about Jackie to Roseanne and about Roseanne to Jackie. After they argue their way through the sleeping arrangements, Roseanne and Dan wind up on a mattress in the living room and get absolutely no sleep. When the folks announce that they will soon be moving to Lanford, Roseanne and Jackie decide to confront their parents about how crazy they drive them. Jackie has no problem, but Roseanne buckles like a jellyfish. This leads to further confrontation between them, with Dan ready to fight everyone because of starting a new job with his lack of sleep. Roseanne can take no more and lets them have it, telling them that if they move to Lanford, she will go crazy. The folks then admit that their talk about moving was just idle chatter and they have no intention to move. As they get ready to leave, everyone – except Dan – agrees that they had a wonderful visit and will miss the folks. In an outtake during the credits, Bruce Willis appears on the set and surprises Roseanne. 11/28/18
• 023. Let’s Call It Quits – 5/2/1989
  • A new boss named Keith Faber (Fred Dalton Thompson) replace Booker at Wellman Plastics, and rules the team with an iron fist. Although he feels that Roseanne is a good worker, she gets irritated by her attitude and the way she undermines his authority. When he raises their daily quota to 8000 units per person, everyone complains that they can’t make it and morale begins to suffer. Roseanne convinces him to lower it back to 6500 units and he agrees if she will walk the straight and narrow with him. She agrees, but beings to miserably regret it when he takes joy in constantly push her buttons. She contemplates quitting but sticks it out. However when Faber raises the quota back to 8000 just because he can, Roseanne has had enough and quits… and Jackie and their friends all follow suit. Michael Earl Reid is Lou. 10/1/19

SEASON 2

• 024. Inherit the Wind – 9/12/1989
  • Roseanne takes on a job doing magazine solicitation from home. Dan and Roseanne prepare to attend a grand opening of a bank Dan worked on, but Roseanne doesn’t have the money to buy a dress, so she is forced to borrow one from her annoying and overly chatty friend Edna DeBelko. Becky has an embarrassing moment when she gives a speech at school in front of her friends and crush Jimmy Meltrigger (Stephen Dorff), and cuts the cheese. Becky is mortified, but Darlene thinks it is the greatest thing that ever happened. Roseanne tries to relate her own embarrassing story about having her diary read, but it only gets Becky more upset. Jackie then remembers a time where Roseanne had a boob sticking out at the pool, which Roseanne has long forgotten. However the fact that Jackie still remembers it upsets Becky even more. As Roseanne and Dan head out to their opening, Jimmy shows up to pick up Becky for their date. Roseanne talks Becky into leaving her room and overlooking the fact that life sometimes delivers little unpleasant surprises. 10/6/19
• 025. The Little Sister – 9/19/1989
  • When Jackie puts in an application with the police academy, Roseanne criticizes her and tells her that she lacks the commitment and is too old for the job, leading to Jackie storming out and telling Roseanne to go to hell. Meanwhile Darlene snitches on Becky for looking at Dan’s Girls, Girls, Girls magazine, and makes fun of her on top of it. When her parents yell at her for being a snitch, Darlene storms out as well. Becky is more distraught about men wanting to look at them, and why any girls would pose for them. Darlene goes over to visit a tipsy Jackie to complain about always getting criticized by her parents, and Jackie has plenty of complaints about Roseanne stomping on her dreams. Jackie ends up passing out after saying she’ll be a good cop, so Darlene tells her mom that she feels better and is spending the night. The next morning, Roseanne confronts a hungover Jackie about getting drunk with her kid there. They have it out, and Jackie tells Roseanne that she never supports her. Jackie challenges Roseanne to fight to prove she can handle being a cop, and gets her into a wristlock and forces her to apologize. Roseanne does in fact apologize and tells her that she will support her, telling her she only has one question: how will she handle a gun to the head. When Roseanne is able to simulate a ‘bang’ before Jackie can move her arm, Jackie understands the danger, and says maybe she will concentrate on becoming a meter maid. 3/23/20
• 026. Guilt by Disassociation – 9/26/1989
  • Roseanne’s friend Vonda Greene’s husband Phil (Tom Wright) gets Roseanne an interview at the Garvin Meat Packing Plant to be a secretary for one of the bosses. After spending a good deal of time getting ready, she has her interview with Muriel Johnston (Madge Sinclair), a hard-nosed woman who seems to take an instant disliking to Roseanne. However because of Phil’s recommendation and the fact that she can tell that Roseanne will be a hard worker, she hires her on the spot. Roseanne phones home to tell her family she got the job, and Dan arranges a surprise party for her with all of her Wellman friends. Unfortunately before she leaves, Roseanne lets it slip that she has experience using a computer, so Murel is forced to un-hire her. When Roseanne arrives home, she is forced to tell Dan she wasn’t hired as the party rages around her. This ultimately leads to fight with her accursing Dan of forcing her to quit Wellmans. When it escalates, everyone leaves, leaving a depressed Roseanne to admit that she let her family down. Dan eases her anxiety with a hug and jokingly telling her to ‘get a job’. Paco Vela is Juanita’s husband Emilio. Harper Roisman is Sylvia’s husband Joe. Mark Carlton is Sgt. Wilcox. 3/23/20
• 027. Somebody Stole My Gal – 10/3/1989
  • Roseanne promises to help Dan get his work papers organized if he will go to the movies with her, so the next day she visits the job site to fill in for the secretary they need to hire. The head architect Burt Drucker (Kevin Dunn) takes a liking to her and hires to fill in for six weeks. Roseanne and Dan invite him to have dinner at their house, and Jackie prepares by dressing up since he might be single and eligible. However she quickly tells him that it is against her religion to marry when he begins pontificating on how nice it is to have a family and goes on and on about how lucky everyone is before breaking down in tears. After he leaves, Dan and Jackie can only make fun of him but Roseanne has compassion. However things get weirder when he sends over a new refrigerator for them and then shows up to do his laundry at their house and hangs around for the entire Saturday. After the kids all express how much they hate him, and Dan gets furious when he offers to get Becky a credit card, Roseanne sits him down and asks why he is so strange and needy. He confesses that he’s never known how to make people like him and has never had a friend. She feels even more compassion and talks Dan into letting him stay and inviting him to the movies with them. He expresses his appreciation by paying them back the only way he knows how… by leaving. But he can’t bring himself to leave, so they all head to the movies. Jack McGee and Dan Munroe are workers at the job site. 7/3/20
• 028. House of Grown-Ups – 10/10/1989
  • Roseanne comes home from her new job at Chicken Divine, but is disappointed when Jackie can’t stay for dinner because she is getting ready to pack to leave for six weeks training with the police academy. The rest of the family is occupied with their new VCR, and Dan is busy picking out films to rent. Becky is getting ready to go to a party, and at the last minute she invites Darlene to go with her, posing as her cousin Vivian from Chicago so no one will know she is in Junior High. Roseanne is disappointed when Jackie doesn’t come back over after packing, and starts to call her at 11pm, when Dan stops her. The girls return from the party, and Darlene is disgusted that Becky spend most of the evening kissing Jimmy Meltry. She is even more aghast when she learns about French kissing. Roseanne gets up and joins their conversation and talks about her early days with Dan. The next day Roseanne goes to pick up Jackie and can’t stop hugging her and telling her how much she’ll miss her. She hands over a note that she wrote which causes Jackie to break down crying. Nevertheless, they both agree that they’ll survive the six weeks and Jackie heads off. Back at home Roseanne is downtrodden when everyone leaves the house. Dan can see she’s upset and gets her to admit that she’s afraid once the kids grow up, she’ll be alone. Dan reminds her that he’ll always be there and sings I’ve Got You Babe to her. 7/3/20
• 029. Five of a Kind – 10/24/1989
  • Dan is planning a gathering of his buddies to play poker, and puts Roseanne on sandwich duty. Dan’s friend Arnie Thomas (Tom Arnold) comes over early and chats with Roseanne, getting some advice on his relationship with his live-in girlfriend Sharon. As they chat, Arnie flirts with Roseanne, then gives her a kiss on the neck. Roseanne is both titillated and confused, and tries desperately to get ahold of Jackie to tell her about it. Eventually Jackie gets off her shift and comes over, and Roseanne fills her in. They speculate on the meaning behind, and ultimately decide that she shouldn’t tell Dan. The guys chat and share gossip and finally end the evening. As Arnie is leaving, he kisses Roseanne the same way in front of Dan, and then gives Jackie the same kiss. Dan doesn’t even notice his kiss with Roseanne, but speculates on the way he kissed Jackie. She tells Roseanne that she can see how a kiss like that confused her. The guys all sing The Ballad of Jed Clampett. Alan Blumenfeld is Zack.  Cleavant Derricks is Tommy. John Marshall Jones is George. Robert Miranda is Andy. Jenny Lewis is Becky’s friend Diane.  10/20/20
• 030. Boo! – 10/31/1989
  • As the Conner family is cooking and preparing their house for Halloween, the adults all tease the kids by telling tales of a scary old woman named Mrs. Osmond who lived in their neighborhood and has recently been released from the insane asylum. After they scare the girls, Roseanne gets offended when Dan and Jackie both say that Dan is the better prank player. Roseanne tries to convince Dan that she is getting electrocuted by the toaster, which is followed by Dan pretending that he cut his hand with the saw. Only Dan’s prank is effective. Meanwhile Becky is upset because her friend Marcy Michaelson doesn’t invite her to her Halloween party. She stays home with the family and they convert their home into a ‘tunnel of terror’. After Roseanne fails to convince Dan that she is choking on candy, the family teams up to deliver frights to trick or treaters. During this, a man named Geoff (David Wohl) who has hired Dan for a contracting job stops to pick up some blueprints. When he seems impressed by the house, Roseanne recruits him to help scare Dan. She pulls some pranks on Geoff, causing him to fall and hurt his back and then fire Dan, before he and Roseanne both tell him that he was being pranked. Dan later poses as a chainsaw killer to scare Roseanne, but then she delivers the final, most effective joke: pretending she is talking to her mother and that she is coming to visit. Luke Edwards takes over the role of Crystal’s son Lonnie. 10/20/20
• 031. Sweet Dreams – 11/7/1989
  • After a rough day, Roseanne wants nothing more than to get into her bathroom to take a shower, but the girls are each slipping in there before she can, and Dan wants to do some work in there. While waiting, Roseanne drift off on the bed and dreams that she does in fact get in the bathroom, and it is a glamourous palatial bathroom that is equipped with a hot tub and two hot male assistants Zeke (Brett Baxter Clark) and Jake (Charles Walheim). She is initially interrupted because Jackie is in the bath, but the guys say they will run a new one for her and give her a foot treatment. However she keeps get interrupted again by each child, and summarily kills them all, D.J. with a fake laser gun, Darlene by having her teacher Miss English (Rebecca Schull) quiz her until she melts, and Becky, by embarrassing her to death by summoning her boyfriend Jimmy Meltrigger while she is getting ready for her date with him. Then the filling of the tub is delayed by Dan fixing it, so she boils him in cream corn. Jackie enters in her cop uniform and arrests her for murder, and she goes to immediate trial with Dan acting as prosecutor and Jackie as her lawyer. Darlene and Becky are brought in as witnesses, as is Crystal, who is adamantly against Roseanne because she is in love with Dan. Clair the waitress brings pizza to Dan, which he shares with the judge (Bert Parks). Dan then testifies on behalf of Roseanne, singing a song that evolves into a full-blown musical inexplicably featuring Vonda, illustrating how much everyone loves Roseanne. Still the judge finds her guilty. Then Roseanne demands her turn to testify for herself, and she too sings a song about how much she needed that bath. Once again the judge finds her guilty. At this point she wakes up, with her family surrounding her in need of her services. Nevertheless, with the bathroom free, she finally heads toward her bath. 2/7/21
• 032. We Gather Together – 11/21/1989
  • Roseanne is up early on Thanksgiving morning to stuff the turkey. A half-asleep Jackie comes over and brings a dented can of cranberry sauce. Roseanne warns Jackie to not fight with their mother, and that it is best not to tell her that she has joined the police force. She also tells Jackie that she got their parents a motel this year, so they don’t have to spend the night. The house fills up with guest when Roseanne’s parents Al and Beverly show up, followed by Dan’s father Ed, his mother Audrey (Ann Wedgeworth), who has brought along a date named Jay Bryant (J.J. Johnston). Crystal and her son Luke come as well, and Dan notices his father following her around quite a bit. Conflicts ensue as Jackie gets irritated at her mother and then tells her she joined the police force, shortly before breaking into tears. Roseanne hesitantly tells them that she got them a motel, and then has to endure the passive aggressive repercussions form her mother. Dan calls his father out about Crystal and tells him to leave her alone when he says he’s going over to her house to help her unpack the tables and chairs she brought to the dinner. His father tells Dan that he and she have loneliness in common, and hopes Dan never has to go through it. Jackie heads home and tells Roseanne she’ll be back at noon to help her clean up. Roseanne notices her entire family sleeping on or around the couch, and realizes how thankful she is. 2/8/21
• 033. Brain-Dead Poets’ Society – 11/28/1989
  • Darlene is excited to watch the Bulls vs. Nuggets basketball game on Friday night, but Roseanne she needs to get her homework done first. Darlene says her only assignment is to write a poem. Roseanne shows some of her old poetry to help spark some thoughts but tells her she can’t copy her old poems. Darlene does write and turn in her own poem, and to everyone’s surprise, Crystal tells Roseanne and Dan that her poem got picked as best in her class, and she is supposed to read it at the school’s Culture Night. Darlene is adamantly against reading it, and says it is too private. Roseanne wants her to attend, while Dan insists that it should be up to Darlene. Roseanne finds this tooth and nail with Dan, and then finally has a long talk with Darlene. She opens up to Roseanne and tells her that the poem was a joke, and that it isn’t good at all, believing that Mrs. Miller only picked it to encourage her. Roseanne tells her that it’s up to her, but then still insists that she read it. On Culture Night, a nerd named Martin (Troy W. Slaten) flirts with her, and it becomes clear to everyone – especially Jackie – that the event is fully of nerdy types. After Martin reads his poem, Mrs. Tubor (Eda Zahl) introduces Darlene, and she reads her poem To Whom It Concerns. It starts off lighthearted and funny, but then reflects the teen angst she is going through, reducing Roseanne and Jackie to tears. 6/5/21
• 034. Lobocop – 12/5/1989
  • Roseanne is spending so much time at the Lobo Lounge and Chicken Divine, that she barely has time for Dan and the kids. Becky looks to schedule time to ask advice about her relationship with Jimmy. Dan is working a construction job at the Red Velvet Massage Parlor, making Roseanne jealous as well. She picks at Dan for not getting things done around the house, while Dan thinks he is the only one doing chores. The Lobo Lounge also isn’t the ideal place to work, as she and her co-worker Lizzie (Liz Georges) have to contend with bar fights, and horny old patrons like Joe (Dabbs Greer) who asks to take Roseanne home every night. Roseanne also intervenes when she spots Andi Clemmons husband Larry (Richard Partlow) making time with another woman. Jackie and Sgt. Wilcox comes in one night and breaks up a bar fight between two dancers (Lou Bonacki, Denise D’Amico) who keep jostling another customer (Tom Virtue), and pool player (Ivory Ocean) who demands they take it outside. Roseanne confides to Jackie that she and Dan are having issues, and primary among them is that they never make love anymore, leading Roseanne to believe that Dan isn’t attracted to her anymore. While they are chatting about this, Dan is confiding in Andy about the same issue. Jackie decides to intervene herself and tell Dan that Roseanne feels like he doesn’t like her any longer. Dan argues the point initially, but then decides to fix it. He heads to the Lobo Lounge and role-plays being a drifter named Tony, and she pretends to be Amelia. They sweet talk each other, and Roseanne takes a break to head to the car with Dan. Joe is finally hit on by an elderly woman (Janet Rotblatt), but he shoots her down when she asks to go home with him. Jeff Garlin and Howard David are bar patrons. 6/5/21
• 035. No Talking – 12/12/1989
  • Becky has been displaying her 14-year old attitude and butting heads with her mother over the past month. When she gets grounded, she conveniently ‘forgets’ and goes to the mall anyway. Dan has also forgotten, and simply tells her to be home for dinner. She arrives home very late to a barrage of questions and harassment, especially from Roseanne. Eventually she storms off to her room, and won’t let Roseanne in. Roseanne responds by removing the door from the girls’ room, an act that makes Dan think she is going overboard. Becky then responds by giving Roseanne the silent treatment, although she’ll talk to everyone else in the family. Even Darlene thinks Becky is going to far to hurt their mother’s feelings, but she takes delight in all the punishments being given to Becky. But the silent treatment is in fact destroying Roseanne, so she goes searching for clues in the girls’ room, trying to figure out what it is that is driving Becky’s behavior. While doing her ‘cleaning’, Roseanne stumbles on Becky’s diary, one a decoy, and one obviously the ‘true’ diary. Jackie reminds Roseanne that their mother had snooped through their diaries as well, so ultimately, Roseanne decides not to read them. That night she tells Becky what she did, ungrounds her, and gives her back her door. Becky is shocked, but she later reveals to Darlene how much better her life is now that her mother isn’t interfering in every aspect of it. Darlene confesses that now she’s worried that their mother will start focusing on Darlene’s life if she can’t snoop into Becky’s. Roseanne overhears the entire conversation, and how Becky claims that she’s now broken her in, when Becky finds her inside the closet claiming to be ‘cleaning’. 10/2/21
• 036. Chicken Hearts – 1/2/1990
  • Roseanne has been grumpy since taking the job at Chicken Divine, and when she has to attend a staff meeting and learns that her teenage boss Brian Cayman (Peter Smith) wants her to start working on Saturdays, she is furious. Dan, Crystal, and Jackie tell her that she’ll get better treatment if she treats Brian better in. She witnesses this firsthand when she sees that Brian gives employee Andrew (Christian Jacobs) overtime after he offers to wash Brian’s car. However, he denies Tina (Sonia Curtis) and Roseanne any overtime. When Roseanne notices Brian struggling putting together a carburetor in his office for Shop class, she offers up Dan’s help to assist him. She invites him to come to dinner as well, despite the fact that Becky can’t stand him and Dan doesn’t particularly want to help him. Dan tells Brian he will help him put the carburetor together if he will ease up on Roseanne. Initially, Brian doesn’t want to make the promise, so Dan tosses the pieces of the carburetor on the floor. Brian then says that schedules can be changed, so Dan put is together for him. After dinner, Brian stays over at the house to chat, but doesn’t really want to discuss work. Roseanne tells him how important it is that she has Saturdays off to spend with her family, but Brian wants her to work because she is the fastest. When she is adamant about not working, he fires her. She reminds him he’ll be losing his best employee, but he reminds her that she may be the fastest, but she has a bad attitude. She not only tells him that he has no idea about real life and that losing her job means making house payments, but to him it is more like an allowance to supplement paying for his car. Before they all throw him out, the family disassembles Brian’s carburetor. Justin Dana is Jay. Glenn Shadix is the fickle customer. 10/2/21
• 037. One for the Road – 1/9/1990
  • Roseanne, Dan, Jackie, and DJ head off to Moline, Illinois to see Roseanne’s parents and leave Becky and her friend Dana Hudson (Lindsay Fisher) at home to study. Once they finally get the parents out the door, Becky and Dan begins working on their Social Studies project on “Women in the 90’s.” They start looking for clipping out of magazines, and start talking about how it would require never partying if they became models. Becky tells Dan she’s probably never had beer. Darlene then attempts to make a Tornado, using Vodka, Whiskey, and Root Beer. Before long, the girls are blitzed and acting goofy. Darlene comes home from her basketball game and finds the house in a state of disarray. She picks up after the girls before the parents get home, and gets Darlene off to bed. That night, Roseanne comes up to say goodnight, and doesn’t question anything. After she leaves the room, Darlene gets Becky out of her shoes. The next morning, Roseanne tells Darlene to wake Becky up for breakfast, but Becky is too hungover to move, and just lingers over the toilet. The Conners then get a visit from Dana’s mother Karen (DeeDee Rescher), yelling at Roseanne for leaving the girls alone and not locking their liquor cabinet. Roseanne thinks she must be mistaken… until she sees Darlene’s condition. Karen leave in a huff and tells Roseanne that Dana won’t be returning to their house. Dan and Roseanne give Becky the third degree, and Becky responds by telling them it’s no big deal. As Becky tries to get rid of her hangover, Roseanne tells her that the worst part of the whole thing is that she can’t trust her any longer. Becky finally apologizes for what she did, and tells her that she can be trusted. Dan installs a lock on the liquor cabinet, while the sound of the drill penetrates Becky’s headache. Clips of Ray Milland are shown from The Lost Weekend over the ending credits. 3/28/22
• 038. An Officer and a Gentleman – 1/23/1990
  • Roseanne’s father breaks his hip and winds up in the hospital, so Roseanne goes to spend a few days with him in the hospital. Jackie wants to go along, but Roseanne tells her that she needs her to stay at her house each day to help take care of the kids since Dan is working late. Jackie struggles a bit the first morning trying serve a good breakfast and get the kids off to school, but she is offended when Crystal stops by to check on her at Roseanne’s request. She starts to act standoffish with Crystal, so she starts to storm out, but ultimately Jackie apologizes and she gets Crystal to help her get the house cleaned up and prepare dinner for Dan. When Dan gets home late that evening, he is shocked that she has prepared a delicious roast beef dinner. Over the next few days, Jackie really gets into the swing of things, and not only do the kids enjoy having her there and doing fun things, but Dan is more than appreciative of having a great meal served to him each night. Jackie even takes an interest in Dan’s stories about his work, and compliments on what a good provider he is. Jackie tells Dan about the latest cop she is casually dating, and the fact that he lies to her all of the time, and Dan tells her that she is too good for most of the men she dates, even calling her smart, fun, and attractive. Jackie expresses regret that she let Roseanne date Dan when she really had a crush on him for a while. She asks Dan if he can remember the first time that they met, but Dan confesses he didn’t recall. Dan is clearly flattered by the attention she has been giving him, and the tales of how much she adored him when they were younger. When Roseanne calls home, Jackie decides she should head home. Dan puts Roseanne on hold, then tells Jackie exactly when they first met, even describing in detail what she was wearing. Jackie is clearly touched and flattered herself. When Roseanne returns home, and her family surrounds her to tell her how much she was missed, Jackie stares at them longingly, realizing how badly she’s like a family of her own. The Leave It to Beaver theme plays over the ending credits, along with a black and white scene of Jackie sending the kids off to school. 3/29/22
• 039. Born to Be Wild – 1/30/1990
  • Roseanne can’t get Dan off the couch to go to a party, but while watching football on TV, their old friend Norbert “Ziggy” Walsh (Jay O. Sanders) shows up for a visit while in Lanford doing some fiber optic cabling in town. He is now a father of two boys, although not married to their mother, and still rides his Harley. He meets the family, and then the adults all decide to go out for drinks at the Lobo Lounge. Before they leave, Ziggy asks about Dan’s 55 Panhead Harley, and he tells him that he still has it in the garage. When Ziggy insists on seeing it, he is disappointed to find that it is laying on its side, missing the front wheel, and covered in dust and debris. Dan claims he hasn’t had time to give it much attention later. Jackie also shows up at the Lobo, and Ziggy, who apparently was her first lover, can only laugh when she tells him that she has become a Lanford police officer. As if to prove that she is one, she handcuffs Ziggy to the bar. Dan lets him out, and Ziggy asks Dan if he and Roseanne would like to go to Sturges with him, but Dan declines and says the bike would need too much work. Ziggy clearly sees that he has no interest in restoring it, so he asks to buy it from Dan. Although Roseanne is adamantly against it since it brings back so many memories of Dan picking her up on the bike, Dan believes they need the money, and he no longer needs the bike. However, when Ziggy comes to pick it up, Dan decides that he can’t get rid of it. Ziggy has no problem with Dan keeping the bike, but doesn’t want him to do it because he’s holding onto the past, but rather because he wants to ride it in the future. He offers to stay in town a few extra days to help Dan restore the bike and get it running. A few days later, they have the unveiling, and Dan, in his best Marlon Brando impression, invites Roseanne to mount the new sleek machine with him. 7/29/22
• 040. Hair – 2/6/1990
  • Crystal gets Roseanne an interview at Art’s Beauty Shop where she will answer phones, make coffee, and sweep the floor. Although Roseanne dreads it, Jackie gets her up and moving to go. She interviews with the owner Marsha (Elizabeth Franz), who husband Arthur owned the place before he died twenty years earlier. Roseanne is less than enthusiastic and doesn’t know if she’ll take the job, but Marsha takes a liking to her and pleads with her to accept it since she’s the only one who applied for it. She gets to know the other hair stylists Iris (Lori Tan Chinn) and Debbie (Melora Walters) and gets along with them well. She also runs into her old boss Meg Wellman (Debra Mooney), whom Roseanne diagnoses as having Impetigo, which prompts her to leave Roseanne, who she remembers as Roxanne, a fifty-cent tip. Before she goes home on her first day, Marsha offers her a promotion that will now include her shampooing the customers that will earn her $2.00 more an hour. At home that night, Dan, although proud of her, can’t help but make a few jokes about the job. Roseanne tells him that the job isn’t so bad and none of her co-workers make her feel embarrassed about the the job… but that Dan does. He apologizes to her, and she tells him that the job is actually making her happy because they are nice, and she likes knowing that they want her there. The next day at work, she shampoos Crystal, who gives her a $10 tip. Roseanne thanks her for getting her the job and tells her that she is her best friend. Dan brings the kids in for a haircut from Iris, but he feels awkward about hanging out there. Iris deals with a customer (Nancy Lenehan) who always says she’s happy, but always wants something else. At the end of the night, the ladies ask Roseanne if she plans to accept the job, and she decides to keep it. 7/29/22
• 041. I’m Hungry – 2/13/1990
  • The ladies at Art’s Beauty Shop are discussing weight loss, and Marsha mentions that Roseanne hides the beauty of her face behind her extra weight. Crystal tries to come to her defense by saying that Dan loves her no matter how she looks. Roseanne then commits to going on a diet at some point in the future. That night when she can’t get a pair of pants on, she becomes more serious and tries to talk Dan into joining her on a diet. He has no interest, although Becky thinks it’s a good idea that they all start eating healthier. Dan offers his support by moving all of the junk food in the pantry in a different cabinet. Eventually Dan agrees to go along with the diet, and they both recount how well they did with each other. Then Roseanne tells Dan she is going to take a bath but instead sneaks a can of Pringles into the bathtub, as Dan steals away to the kitchen to sneak ice cream. They both wind up catching each other with their food. As the week goes on, Roseanne has remained committed to her diet, but Debbie tells her that exercise can raise her metabolism, and she can eat all she wants. The next morning, she and Dan begin taking walks, even though Dan has to return and get the car to retrieve Roseanne the first morning. Jackie comes over that morning and tries to explain to the kids how genetics made her thin and Roseanne fat, although it makes no sense. Later, Roseanne brags how her morning walks have really curbed her appetite and that she isn’t even hungry that evening. However, when faced with a barrage of delicious food commercials, Roseanne suddenly becomes insane with hunger and tries to get to the Mallomars, and attempts an inspirational speech, and eventually Roseanne is able to overcome the hunger. Later, Roseanne shows everyone that she has lost enough weight to fit into her pants. She decides to walk to and from work, which will add five miles to her day’s distance… but then realizes it is only 13 degrees and scraps the idea. Judith Heinz and Natalie Strauss are beauty shop customers. 11/24/22
• 042. All of Me – 2/20/1990
  • Dan and Roseanne have Jackie and her new boyfriend Gary Hall (Brian Kerwin), an installer who works for Gary’s Glass Company. Dan accuses Roseanne of simply being nosy, but Roseanne says she just wants to meet him and have a family get-together. Jackie and Gary are still in the honeymoon phase of their relationship, and are kissing and cooing all over each other, which annoys Roseanne. She asks Dan to show Gary his space in the garage so that she and Jackie can discuss him. She tells Jackie to be careful because she’s acted this way about multiple men, but Jackie tries to tell her that Gary is different and will be more likely to do things that she wants to do. Privately, Gary tells Dan that he really thinks a lot of Jackie and has fallen in love with her. Later, Gary and Jackie lay in bed together after a night of passion, and when Gary suggests eating out at the Lanford Inn, and tells her that they’ll have no problem getting in since his friend Sam’s brother works there. Jackie seems to act irritated because Gary always talks about Sam. She also tells Gary that she is very tired, and in fact was tired before they made love. Gary tries to let her know that she should have told him that and they could have skipped lovemaking that night, and she responds that she would have felt guilty and made him mad. Jackie later tells Roseanne that she feels that they always do what Gary wants to do. Roseanne suggests that he might only do that because Jackie seems happy to let him make the decisions. Roseanne warns her that he is a good guy, and Jackie might be messing up a good thing by not being herself. Later Jackie tells Roseanne that Gary is coming to her house that night, and she really doesn’t want him to. Roseanne suggests that Jackie tell him how she really feels. She does tell him that she’s changed her mind, but then reconsiders and tells him he can come over. When he arrives, he is quite confused about why she seems distant from him. He’s completely confused as to what he’s done to get her upset, which makes her even more annoyed with him. He also tells her that he wants him to help make decisions on what they do together, and not always leave it up to him. Eventually he tells her that he’s in love with her and wants to know how he blew it. When she finds out he loves her, she runs to his arms and hugs him and keeps him there all night. The next morning Roseanne shows up at her apartment and starts asking about Gary and how he took it when she threw him out. Gary is still there in the shower and overhears the conversation. Gary leaves to go home and tells Jackie that he’ll call her later. Jackie asks Roseanne to leave and blames her for interfering and causing the issues. She tells Roseanne she doesn’t need her help and that Gary loves her. Roseanne disputes that he actually loves her, and the conversation devolves into a shouting match. Jackie kicks her out for good and tells her to butt out of her life, despite Roseanne’s attempt at an apology. 11/24/22
• 043. To Tell the Truth – 2/27/1990
  • Roseanne has been moping around at home and trying to find things to do, since Jackie won’t speak to her after their falling out over Gary. She is forced to spend her spare time hanging out with Crystal as a result. Dan sees how upset she is, so he takes it upon himself to stop by Jackie’s apartment to tell her that although Roseanne is great at sticking her nose into business where it doesn’t below, she would never do anything to hurt Jackie. Gary is also there but excuses himself so that they can talk. Dan tries to get her to call Roseanne to talk, but Jackie refuses, causing Dan to storm off and tell her that he tries. Back at Roseanne’s house, Crystal tells Roseanne that Jackie is ungrateful to Roseanne for trying to help her and be involved in her life. She suggests that she call Jackie and tell her off, but when she finally does call, her tone is much softer and she agrees that they should get together and talk. Jackie agrees to come over and visit, but on her way out, Gary returns and asks her if they can talk for a bit. Jackie is adamant that she get over to see Roseanne quickly, but as she’s halfway at the door, Gary suggests that they get married. Jackie quickly agrees and they chat about it for a while, causing her to not get to Roseanne’s place for a couple of hours. Roseanne is so annoyed that she tells the kids to tell Jackie that she got tired of waiting and left. Jackie can tell they are lying, so she barges into Roseanne’s room and find her sulking inside. However, the mood elevates significantly when Jackie tells Roseanne that Gary asked to marry her. Roseanne is thrilled, although Jackie thinks she may have been manipulated again. As Roseanne starts planning the wedding to be held at her house, Jackie returns home to Gary with his nerves a bit frazzled, telling him that she isn’t as great as he thinks she is, admitting that they actually have quite a few differences. Gary says he doesn’t care and that he loves her for who she is. They go over to visit Dan and Roseanne, and find that Roseanne is a ball of energy as she plans the wedding. Jackie then breaks it to her that they have decided to merely go steady before making the decision to get married. Roseanne is disappointed that she can’t have ‘her’ wedding, but Jackie reminds her that the wedding will be out ‘her’ and not Roseanne. 5/4/23
• 044. Fender Bender – 3/20/1990
  • After Roseanne is humiliated once again by Mrs. Wellman giving her little chores to do while she gets her hair done, including walking her dog Jacques and calling her ‘Roxanne’, she suffers one final indignity of the day when she makes Roseanne carry her dog out to her car and giving her zero tip. Making matters even worse, Mrs. Wellman suffers a fender bender and rushes back in to cancel her plans with friends for that night so she can get Jacques checked out at the vet. The car that got hit by her Cadillac was Roseanne’s station wagon. Roseanne visits the hospital and comes home with a neck brace and high on pain killers. Once the loopiness wears off, Roseanne is left with a lot of neck pain, and is also annoyed that Mrs. Wellman hasn’t bothered to check on her. Dan thinks they should try to file for a lawsuit, so he gets his attorney friend Peter Lundy (Stephen Root) to assess the case. He thinks Roseanne has a good chance of winning some good money but doesn’t want to actually represent her since he does poorly in court. The next time that Mrs. Wellman comes into the beauty shop, she finds Jackie there investigating the case. The ladies in the shop all get on her case about not even bothering to check on Roseanne. When she hears that Roseanne is thinking about a lawsuit, she immediately rushes over to see her, bringing her a gift and check. Dan notes that the fine print on the check exonerates her from any further payments. She tells Roseanne she was advised by her lawyer not to contact her, causing a lot of resentment that Mrs. Wellman hadn’t planned to do anything for her and only wants to get out of the lawsuit. Roseanne tells Meg that she made a fool out of her and really doesn’t care about her, and threatens to file a major lawsuit against her. When Meg reminds her that she has a very good lawyer, Roseanne decides to settle for the check, the apology, and the promise that she’ll never have to walk her dog again. Meg hopes they can remain friends, and Roseanne tells her that they’re as close as they’ve ever been. 5/4/23
• 045. April Fool’s Day – 4/10/1990
  •  Dan is beside himself as he tries to prepare their joint tax return on the day before it is due. Roseanne blames him for procrastinating until the last minute, so he offers to let Roseanne do them. After fussing with them for a matter of minutes, she gives them right back to Dan. Making matters worse, Jackie comes over and borrows Dan’s calculator and laments the fact that her boyfriend Gary was questioning her math abilities. Dan asks Roseanne to give him her 1099 from her job selling magazines, but she doesn’t think that she should have gotten one since she made under $600, a fact she thinks she heard from Jackie. However, Jackie doesn’t remember saying it, so they eventually wind up going over to the IRS offices to ask them. They first get in an agent named Ed’s (Mark Lowenthal) line, but he sends them to another line to inquire about 1099’s. The girl, Denise (Andi Champman), is new and has no idea how to answer the question. She goes and gets her supervisor (Joe Grifasi). He is snide and condescending but tells them that it is true that an employer is not required to send out a 1099 if it is under $600, then shows them in the instruction manual exactly where to find that information. Roseanne starts to vocally berate the IRS and call them names. Ed joins the supervisor in yelling back at Roseanne and telling her that they don’t make the rules, and that if she has complaints, she should take up with Washington. Before Roseanne leaves, the supervisor asks for Roseanne’s name, and she tells them that she their name is Mr. and Mrs. Norris T. Wagner. They go home and put the finishing touches on the tax forms, sign them, and get ready to go out and drop them off. During the credits, John Goodman (himself) addresses the audience to ensure that the negative things he said about the IRS came from the writers who wrote for his character, and not the actor himself. The supervisor looks on intently. Monty Hoffman is the man in line with difficult questions. Rick Hall, Judy Kain, Jodi Long, and Stephen Prutting are bystanders in line. 9/12/23
• 046. Fathers and Daughters – 5/1/1990
  • When Jackie shares the news that their father is planning to retire, it drudges up the fact that their father only calls Jackie, who counter-claims that their mother only talks to Roseanne. Meanwhile, Dan asks Darlene to help him on a drywall job for $10, but Roseanne thinks that he has slighted Becky by not asking her, mostly based on her feelings about her own father. Dan takes her advice and asks Becky if she’s like the extra money as well. Becky misinterprets that he has come upstairs to spy on her and the two wind up in a big fight. After he leaves the room, he realizes that Roseanne was right and that his relationship with Becky is slipping away. He tries to connect with her by asking her social life, but when he brings up the boy Jimmy who dumped her, she becomes angry at him again. She stops talking to Dan, and Dan blames Roseanne and stops talking to her. Roseanne tells Jackie about the situation, and they wind up arguing about how Jackie is their father’s favorite, while Roseanne is the favorite of their mother. Jackie reminds Roseanne that she isn’t as close to Darlene is to Dan. They both decide to make an effort to spend time with the girls. Dan goes shopping with Becky to the mall, while Roseanne joins Darlene watching the Knicks game. Dan admits to Becky that they are both doing this for Roseanne, and Becky admits that she assumes that she tells her mother things and that she tells her father. When Becky runs into her friend Dana Hudson, Dan lets Becky off the hook so that she can go off with her friends. Becky gives Dan a hug and tells him that she loves him. Dan gives her some money. When Dan gets home, he and Roseanne trade notes and agree they are fine with the girls. Roseanne calls home and talks to her father, but quickly ask him to put her mother on. 9/12/23
• 047. Happy Birthday – 5/8/1990
  • While Roseanne is working, Crystal brings up the fact that it is her 47th birthday. Iris gives her a birthday cupcake, and Marsha allows her to take Saturday off with pay. As they talk about what she would like for her birthday, she tells the ladies that she would like more time to return to her exploration of writing, which she often did when she was younger. When Roseanne gets home that night, she searches through the basement for her old journals and writings and then brings them up to show Dan. One of the entries talks about what she hopes her life will be in 1983 when she turns thirty, mostly relating to the life she’s like to have on a farm. The next morning, Roseanne attempts to get up early at 5:30 in the morning to do some writing, but quickly finds that she can’t come up with much of anything, and also that she is constantly interrupted by the family. As a surprise for her birthday, Dan creates a workspace office in the basement where she can go to write in solitude. In addition, he plans to take the kids to the movies so that she can enjoy the afternoon without any interruptions. She begins to write but winds up with many wadded up balls of paper, which she summarily shoots into the waste baskets. She then tinkers around the basement, cleaning up the shelves, and doing everything but writing. Jackie comes over to see her and Roseanne tells her how disappointed she is that she was unable to recapture the magic of writing now that her life is very little other than being a mom to three kids. That night, she puts DJ to bed, and he wants to hear the story of The Adventures of PJ Pamowack. DJ asks her why he can’t find any PJ Pamowack stories at the school library, and she tells him that she makes them up as she goes along. He tells her that they should be in books, giving her the idea to start writing them down. Dan later finds her after midnight sitting in DJ’s bed writing the stories. He naturally wonders what is wrong with her basement office. 1/12/24

SEASON 3

• 048. The Test – 9/18/1990
  • It’s Saturday morning, and Becky wants her father to take her out to teach her to drive. Dan is stalling, but Roseanne wants everyone out because she says she has cleaning to do. The truth of the matter is that Jackie and Crystal are coming over, and Jackie is bringing her a pregnancy test because she is nine days late with her period. Dan comes into the bathroom to see what is going on and sees the test, immediately thinking that it must belong to Jackie. Roseanne then tells Dan that she thinks she is pregnant. All of the kids are listening outside the door, so they also react emotionally and with fear. Darlene is afraid that she will have to take care of the baby. Roseanne takes the test, and they all begin the ten-minute wait to see the results. Becky is afraid that she will have to do without just like she did when DJ was born. DJ knows he’ll no longer be the baby and is afraid they won’t love him as much. Dan is fearful that at 38, he is too old to become a father again, implying that the pregnancy is Roseanne’s fault. She tells him that if she is not pregnant this time, she will have her tubes tied. He isn’t crazy about her having a hospital stay but prefers her idea to having a vasectomy of his own. Finally, the ten minutes is up, and DJ announces that the stick is white, meaning that she is not pregnant. Although the kids cheer with glee, Jackie tries to shush them because Roseanne clearly seems upset. Dan asks her what she would have named a fourth baby and she says Jack or Priscilla. Darlene apologizes for being so rude about her having a baby. Roseanne and Becky can only stare at one another before Roseanne sends Dan to take her out driving. DJ spills his cereal in the kitchen, and Dan offers to clean it up, then realizes that Becky is waiting. When he mentions her having her tubes tied, Roseanne says she thinks she will wait on that. Later, Jackie brings Dan and Becky home in her car after a minor accident. It seems that Becky went in reverse instead of lowering gears, and then hit the gas instead of the breaks. Dan tries to manually press on the brakes with his hand and got stepped on when Becky finally found the break. Dan started to drive home, but since the car was stilli n reverse, he backed into a tree. Becky says she will never ride with him again. 1/13/24
• 049. Friends and Relatives – 9/25/1990
  • While Roseanne celebrates the microwave that Dan bought for her, Becky complains because DJ keeps walking in while she is showering naked. Meanwhile, Dan’s friend Arnie stops over at the house and tells Roseanne that he is getting engaged to his girlfriend Nancy. Dan tries to sneakily write him a check for $1500 to help him buy the engagement ring and is told by Arnie that he will pay him back in six or seven weeks. Roseanne is perturbed that Dan didn’t discuss this with her, and even more so when Dan loses a job when a company folds up, causing Dan to take out a bank loan just to pay his monthly bills. Roseanne complains about the interested and fees that the loan will cost, which amounts to just over what Dan lent to Arnie. When Jackie stops by and overhears the argument, she offers to lend Dan the $1500 without interest, but he gets angry and refuses, especially when she jokes about him becoming indebted to her. Roseanne tells Jackie to make the check out to her and that she will make Dan take it. Darlene finds it humorous that DJ keep trying to peek at Becky naked, but then he starts doing it to her as well. This infuriates her, and Roseanne finally has a talk with him about giving his sisters their privacy. The next time Arnie is over at the house, he tells Roseanne and Dan that he didn’t use the money to buy an engagement ring, but rather to augment her breast, showing them Polaroids of the finished result. This makes Roseanne even angrier, and she suggests that Dan charge Arnie interest on the money. When Arnie overhears this, Roseanne also tells him that Dan won’t take the money from Jackie. Arnie suggests that Roseanne give him Jackie’s money, and then he will tell Dan that he is ready to pay the loan back. When he tries to write the check, Dan becomes suspicious, so Roseanne shows him the check from Jackie… which he promptly rips up. Dan heads to the bar, where he runs into Jackie and tells her that he tore up the check, believing that one shouldn’t take loans from a family, a lesson he learned when they borrowed money from Roseanne’s parents for their first house. Jackie says she just wanted to pay him back for all of the nice things he’s done for her and hopes that he thinks of her more than family, but also as a friend. Dan finally agrees to accept the money from her. When he gets home, Roseanne is staring at the augmentation photo of Nancy, and when they realize that some of the pictures are missing, Roseanne immediately seeks out DJ. Don Maxwell is Willy the bartender. 5/13/24
• 050. Like a Virgin – 10/2/1990
  • Becky is getting ready for a date with her boyfriend Robert, and Denise is teasing her about how she wants to get physical with him, especially since he’s dated a college girl. Dan thinks that Roseanne should have the ‘talk’ with her about birth control, while Roseanne thinks that telling her not to do it is all that Becky needs to hear. However, when Roseanne sees how attractive Becky looks for her date, she drags her into the kitchen to talk about birth control. Jackie joins her, telling her that sponges are not 100% effective. Jackie criticizes Roseanne for not have a ‘sex talk’ with her already and compares Roseanne to how their mother handled talking about sex so clumsily. Becky assures Roseanne and Jackie that she has no plans to have sex anytime soon. After Becky leaves, and Dan and Roseanne leave to go to the movies with Jackie and Gary, Denise has her friend Brian (Matt Norero) over to watch the football game on TV. When the cheerleaders come out, Denise tells him how much she thinks of them as morons, while Brian can’t keep his eyes off of them. Denise says she finds it laughable that she had been told she’d make a good cheerleader. Brian laughs at this as well, telling Denise that she’s not the type for that. When he says he thinks that cheerleaders are dumb. she kisses him. That night when the adults return, they find someone in the dark making out on the couch and assume it is Becky. However, Roseanne is complete surprised when it turns out to be Darlene. Dan seems completely oblivious to it, but after he says goodbye to Brian and sends Darlene to bed, it suddenly dawns on him, and nearly has a meltdown. Roseanne thinks that Dan is more outraged by Darlene making out with a boy at age fourteen than he was with Becky since he is so much closer to Becky, especially when it comes to watching sports. When Becky gets home from her date and goes to bed, Darlene asks if Robert was a good kisser, and Becky makes a comment about her not knowing the difference. She then tells Becky that she got felt up by Brian, which surprises Becky, who advises her to make sure that no one takes advantage of her and that she always keeps the upper hand. Roseanne then comes up and tries to have an open conversation with both girls about sex, but the girls quickly take over the conversation and say all of the right things about reasons not to have sex at their age. Roseanne then goes outside and joins Dan, who is stewing while shooting baskets. She tells him that nothing she said to the girls will be as important as what they are saying to each other. She invites him to go inside and eat some popcorn while eavesdropping, but he chooses to stay outside alone with his thoughts. 5/13/24
• 051. Like, a New Job – 10/9/1990
  • Darlene and Becky have been at each other’s throats all evening, when Roseanne comes home and breaks up the fight. She also tells Dan that she has gotten a new job working as a diner waitress in the Rodbell’s Department Store in the mall. Since she is going to be working the dinner shift, she will rely on him to take care of the kids in the evening. Becky isn’t very happy about the news, as this is the place where she often hangs out with her friends, a believes that this will ruin her life. When Roseanne shows up, she meets the other waitress Kelly (Katsy Chappell), who is struggling with two adolescent boys (Jake McClain aka Jake Pentland, Johnny Sunset) who are throwing spoons and spit wads. Roseanne reveals herself to be the new waitress, and promptly screams in the kids’ faces to get out, receiving applause from the other diners. Becky and her friends Dana and Jan (Alyson Hannigan) show up for burgers, and Becky is naturally uptight when Roseanne waits on them. Even her friends think she is overreacting, and when she thinks about the fact that Dan is supposed to be feeding them but is at home watching football waiting to order pizza at halftime, she does in fact embarrass Becky by insisting that she have meatloaf. Back at the house after Becky gets home, she and Darlene start fighting again and throwing each other’s things out of the window into the yard. Once Dan has had enough, he tells Darlene to pack up her stuff and move to the basement. Both girls are actually thrilled with this option, but when Roseanne gets home, she doesn’t care for it. She thinks that it will drive a wedge between the sisters, and they will stop spending any time at all together. Jackie suggests that she is just upset that Dan came up with the idea and encroached on her area at home. In fact, when Darlene comes into the diner to try and work out a scam to make money off a stereo using her mother’s mall discount, she walks right by Becky without acknowledging her. When Roseanne gets home that night, she finds that DJ is still up, and Dan hasn’t done the dishes yet. Roseanne wants to do the, but Jackie says to let Dan do it since he is now handling the evenings at home. In fact, Jackie makes Roseanne bite her tongue about any criticisms of the job Dan is doing. When Darlene comes upstairs to get blankets because it is cold in the basement, Dan suggests that Darlene might be missing her sister. Darlene denies this but agrees to let Dan take the blame by telling her that she has to return to her room. Dan then gloats for handling the situation and tells Roseanne that he knew Darlene missed Becky because the basement is heated. He says he’s going to skip the dishes and do them the next morning. After he leaves, Roseanne asks Jackie to turn the thermostat back up since she had turned it down. The two then reminisce about their childhood as sisters growing up together. Roseanne reminds her of their imaginary sister Vanessa, who is still criticizing Jackie’s hair. Jackie doesn’t care about this… but wants to know what Vanessa said about her hair. Gina Kaufmann aka Eugenia Buerklin is the impatient customer who wants coffee. Parker Whitman is the customer complaining about the kids. Greta Brown is the customer with the Salisbury Steak. 9/30/24
• 052. Goodbye, Mr. Right – 10/16/1990
  • Dan and Roseanne are planning to go out to dinner with Gary and Jackie. Gary meets them at the Connor house, but Jackie is late, so Dan and Gary talk about the Harley motorcycle that Gary is planning to buy. Roseanne then gets a call from the hospital to let her know that Jackie was in a work-related incident that has injured her. Everybody rushes to the hospital to see her, finding that she had tackled a naked, drunk man and they toppled down a flight of stairs. Jackie had though he was going for weapon, but it turned out not to be a weapon after all. The nurse (Louisa Abernathy) tells them that Jackie has just hurt her back. She will be in the hospital for a couple of days and then on bedrest for a while with a herniated disc. Gary comes in to see her and tells her that he’s not sure if he can live with the worry of her being a police officer, but she passes out before they can finish the conversation. Meanwhile at home, Darlene and Becky clean out DJ’s room so Jackie can stay there in his bed. When they find a box of doll heads in his closet, followed by another box of doll legs, they think that DJ might be a psychopath. Jackie later moves into the room, and angrily tells Roseanne that she might be assigned to do desk work due to the injury, and she might quit if she is forced to do that. Gary, who is still planning to buy the Harley, comes to see Jackie and tells her about a job opening up as a secretary through a friend. When she scoffs at this, he says that he is able to tolerate the fact that she is never home, that they can never make plans, and that he is always left out when she and her friends talk about nothing but ‘cop talk,’ but that he refuses to worry about getting a call that his wife is in the hospital. She thinks that it is unfair of him to ask her to give up on her dream just because of his fears. He says that this is how he feels, and as their argument escalates, they decide to separate. Gary comes downstairs and tells Dan that he can’t deal with the motorcycle right now and has to get out of there. He won’t tell Roseanne what happens, so she hightails it upstairs to talk to Jackie. However, he tells Dan that their relationship is over. They agree that he is still going to buy the Harley that Dan found for him. Upstairs, Roseanne lays into Jackie for breaking it off with such a great guy. Jackie says she couldn’t deal with his ultimatum, as she had worked to hard to get her job. She then tells Roseanne that she plans on quitting anyway, as she has no desire to work in a desk job. Roseanne argues that this is the same thing that Gary wanted her to do, but she says that she can’t let him think that she is quitting because he told her to. She reminds Roseanne that she would never let a man tell her what to do. Roseanne reluctantly admits that Jackie may have done the right thing, even if it pains her to say it. Ten days later, Jackie is ready to move back home to her lonely apartment, and to move on with her life. She says she has some disability pension she can live on until she finds what she wants to do. She doesn’t want to tell Roseanne what that might be, as Roseanne would find a way to criticize. Roseanne promises to support her, so Jackie says she might like to do painting, sculpting, or acting at the Lanford Community Theater. Roseanne immediately starts poking fun at her and suggests that give being a ballerina, an astronaut, a kickboxer, a Sumo wrestler, or a psychic a try. 9/30/24

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