The Terrible Catsafterme

SEASON 1 – ABC

NOTE: This series began under the title “These Friends of Mine” for the first season, before changing the title to “Ellen” to avoid confusion with the TV series “Friends.”

Created by Neal Marlens, Carol Black, and David S. Rosenthal.

Theme music composed by W.G. Snuffy Walden

• 001. Pilot – 3/29/1994
  • Ellen Morgan (Ellen Degeneres) works at the bookstore Buy the Book in Los Angeles, where she lives with her male roommate friend Adam Green (Arye Gross). While waiting at the California DMV with Ellen, her friend Holly Jamison (Holly Fulger) meets a man in line named Roger Konig (William Bumiller) and gets a date with him. Ellen is unsatisfied with her license photo because she was talking while it was taken. Their other friend Anita (Maggie Wheeler) works with Roger’s roommate and gives her inside information on Roger, including the fact that he barks during sex. When a cashier (Giovanni Ribisi) mistakes Ellen’s license for her husband’s, she decides to return for another photo, this time dressed nicely. This too goes awry when the photographer (Matt Landers) gets a phone call while taking it, and again captures her talking. Ellen rips up both licenses. Anita continues to gather information, first that Holly had broccoli on her face during dinner, and then that Roger plans to leave her after sleeping with her. Ellen leaves a message on her answering machine telling her that he is a slimeball and that she needs to leave him, and then she, Anita, and Adam head over to stop her. When they arrive, they hear Roger barking, but then overhear him tell her that he had planned to leave him, but now is falling in love. They then knock on the door and Ellen attempts to take the answering machine, but she ends up playing the message. Holly then throws Roger out, but admits to her friends that she planned to dump Roger after sleeping with him anyway. Shaun Duke and Lois Viscoli are customers in line. 9/20/16

• 002. The Anchor – 3/30/1994
  • Adam has call waiting installed on the phone, which Ellen has difficulty using. Meanwhile Ellen tries to think of ways to get rid of her annoying friend Audrey Penney (Clea Lewis) who she’s known since they worked together seven years earlier and won’t take the hint. While the friends are out for drinks, they realize that no one is hitting on the girls, so Holly conducts an experiment and stuffs her bra. She is immediately asked out by a man named Nate (Lane Davies). Ellen suffers through lunch with Audrey, but later messes up the call waiting and lets Audrey overhear her express her contempt. Ellen is riddled with guilt and tries to woo her back, eventually succeeding… only to regret it, as Audrey is still just as annoying. Holly tries to fend off advances from Lane, although she wants to sleep with him, fearing he will be disappointed when he finds out he breasts are fake. She tells him she is getting a breast reduction, to his disappointment. Weeks later they hook up again, and as soon as they hit the bedroom, Nate tells Holly they should just be friends. Ellen’s neighbor Rick (Greg Germann) uses Ellen’s shower while his heater is out, and ends up liking it so much because it makes him smell like Ellen that he uses it 23 times that week without ever asking about getting his water heater fixed. 9/20/16
• 003. A Kiss Is Still a Kiss – 4/6/1994
  • Ellen reluctantly agrees with Adam and Holly to join them in answering ads in the dating personals. Adam oversells himself and then when he meets his beautiful date Tara (Tracy Tweed), she dumps him immediately for being dishonest. He then changes his strategy and under-sells himself, and the more self-effacing he is with his next date Karen (Eliza Coyle), the more amorous she becomes. Holly ends up with a man named William (Todd Waring) who just signed his divorce papers and can’t crying. He ends up getting back with his ex-wife Beth (Ann Talman), but Holly is just happy to receive flowers as a parting gift. Ellen thinks she’s found her dream guy, a successful and attractive pilot named Jackson (Tony Carreiro), who finally find his fault when he kisses with the side of his mouth. Ellen finally broaches the subject by asking that they tell each other what bothers them about each other. When Jackson tells Ellen that her feet are too big, she gets highly offended. A man named Teddy (Jeff Weatherford) overhears her lamenting the situations, and tells her how much he likes her feet… even offering to smell her shoes. David Anthony Higgins makes his first appearance as Ellen’s co-worker Joe Farrell. Daniel Edward Mora is a deliveryman. 10/5/16
• 004. The Class Reunion – 4/13/1994
  • Adam attempts to arrange a dinner with Bob (Don Lake), a man who can arrange for him to take residence in a rent controlled apartment near the beach, but Adam has to pretend to be rich. Meanwhile Holly talks Ellen into attending her fifteen-year high school reunion of her 1979 class. While Anita steals all of Holly’s thunder and is awarded queen of the class, despite not having actually attended the school, Ellen tells a pair of successful couples consisting of an engineer (Jerry Sroka), his wife (Patty Toy), a bank vice president (Michael Chieffo), and a lawyer (Brenda Varda) that she is married to Adam, has four kids, and is a cardiologist. He slips into the role nicely and claims to be a brain surgeon but carries the charade too far in front of Ellen’s high school crush Joe Roosevelt (Steven Flynn), with whom she is hitting it off. After the reunion, Ellen arranges to meet Joe and tells him that her marriage is troubled. After carrying on the ruse for a short time, she admits the truth, while Adam is busy telling Bob that he is in fact married in order to help secure the new apartment. When Adam brings Bob back to their apartment, they find Ellen and Joe kissing. This ends up ruining his chance for the apartment, and causes Joe to storm out. Ellen has Rick surf through the dumpster in search of some discarded mail in order to get him out of her hair. John Mueller is Brad. 10/3/16
• 005. The Promotion – 4/20/1994
  • With Ellen’s boss Susan (Cristine Rose) getting ready to go on maternity leave, Ellen’s mother Lois (Alice Hirson) recommends that Ellen buy her a gift to butter her up to promote her while her boss is out. Ellen reluctantly buys Susan a small stuffed rabbit and then delivers it to Susan along with Adam, who attempts to get a date with Susan’s maid Maria (Sully Diaz). While making the delivery, Ellen badmouths Susan and then discovers that her baby monitor is on. Meanwhile Holly and Anita make a deal with an art gallery owner (Gene Weygandt) to buy art in Tijuana and sell it to him at a $20 price increase. Maria finally goes on a date with Adam but ends up blackmailing Ellen because she is the one who actually heard what Ellen said over the monitor. Ellen refuses, causing Maria to break down and confess that she needs the money to bring her children to America from Mexico. Ellen agrees to help when Holly and Anita make an art run… and she ends up getting arrested for transporting the art without the proper papers. Rosie Taravella is the store clerk. Patrick Mickler is the officer. 1/4/17
• 006. The Hand That Robs the Cradle – 4/27/1994
  • Ellen is dating the 24-year-old Tim (Peter Krause), who is eight years her junior, and begins feeling self-conscious about not being ‘hip’ enough. She, Adam, and Holly decide to visit the Kremlin nightclub in advance to scope it out, but Ellen is left out when Karl the doorman (Brian Leckner) doesn’t let her in. Joe ends up being surprisingly hip himself and gives her some advice to visit trendy store Comme Des Fous, where the saleswoman (Wendle Josepher) hooks her up with a trendy outfit upon finding out she is friends with Joe. Although Adam thinks she looks and sounds ridiculous, she fools Tim into thinking that she is hip… only to find out that she is no way too hip for him. He leaves her in line at the Kremlin, where she is excited when Karl finally let her in. 1/12/17
• 007. The Go-Between – 5/4/1994
  • When Susan is stood up for a date for a wedding, Ellen takes pity on her and asks Adam to go with her as her date. Despite his reluctance, they hit it off and he ends up sleeping with her. Ellen is worried about the potential trouble this could cause if he hurts her, but it turns out that despite appreciating the good time she had, Susan has no interest in seeing Adam again. Instead of letting her hurt him, Ellen volunteers to break the news to him, staying up half the night while he tries to think of a way to win her back. When Ellen sees Susan callously discard flowers that were sent to her, she reads Susan the riot act… only to find that the flowers were actually sent by her ex-husband. Adam then actually shows up with flowers, but Ellen sends him away. Meanwhile Ellen and Holly constantly have trouble getting the check from the waiter (Sweeney McVeigh) when they eat at Pies & Pasta. Ryan Olson and Jordan Bond are students trying coffee for the first time. Scott Sites is the delivery man. 4/11/17
• 008. The Houseguest – 5/24/1994
  • Ellen’s father Harold (Steven Gilborn) calls her to tell her to make sure and take care of Ellen’s cousin Tracy (Joanna Daniels) while she visits L.A. for the first time. When Tracy injures her foot at the beach and doesn’t seem to be having a good time, Ellen takes her to see a live performance of  Sunset Boulevard, but the ticket taker (Harland Williams) informs her that the tickets that Adam gave her are counterfeit. Another woman (Jill Talley) invites them to attend a hair care infomercial hosted by Tina Yothers, where they all get new hair-dos. The next day Tracy comes to work with Ellen where a book signing with biker/author Nester Biggs (Dennis Burkley) is taking place… and Tracy falls down the stairs. Tracy overhears Ellen tell Holly that she wishes that Tracy had gone to Hawaii instead of L.A., so she takes off with Nester to his bar called Hog Heaven. Ellen tracks her down and finds her having a great time playing poker, and after assuring her that her comment was misconstrued, Ellen joins the game. Molly Shannon is the make-a-wish lady. Christopher Darga is the officer. Chuck Mavich is Roy. Michael Shamus Wiles is the bartender. Jan Eddy is Big Ed. Jim Cody Williams is a biker. Dave Driver is a customer. 4/11/17
• 009. The Refrigerator – 8/9/1994
  • Ellen wants a new refrigerator but Adam balks at spending the money. Anita however offers for them to use her employee discount so they get 35 percent off, with the only catch being that they have to say it is for Anita. Although Ellen is skeptical, she agrees. Once they move it from Anita’s place to their apartment, Anita says that her manager Jim wants to add an ice maker to it, so she asks Ellen to move it back to her place. Adam gets in car wreck so he goes to see Dr. Collins (Kurt Fuller), who convinces him that he needs physical therapy, recommends a lawyer, and sends in a beautiful therapist named Delila (Lisa Stahl). This leaves the three ladies behind to take the refrigerator up Anita’s stairs on their own. When Anita begins dating Jim, Anita must keep the refrigerator so they move Anita’s old one back to their apartment. Anita promptly breaks it off with Jim, so Ellen and Adam attempt to move the refrigerator again, and it ends up falling down the stairs and injures his neck. The doctor admits he has no idea how to fix Adam’s neck, and refrigerator repairman (Don Stark) can’t fix the refrigerator, so Ellen says Adam has to pay for a new refrigerator with his earnings from the neck injury. Adam’s lawyer Jeff (Steve Lehela) is no match for the insurance company lawyer Herbert (Barry Wiggins), who has a photo of Adam moving a refrigerator. Adam thinks he has repaired the refrigerator, but is douses Ellen with water when she gets into the freezer. Meanwhile Holly tries to be more assertive and promptly gets a waitress (Laura Wilkinson) fired by her manager (John Riggi). NOTE: This is the last appearance of Maggie Wheeler until Season 3 when two episodes filmed in 1994 were first aired. 12/1/17
• 010. The Soft Touch – 8/24/1994
  • Adam gives Ellen some advice on how to play hardball at the car dealership, but when she tells a squeamish salesman Glenn (John Bowman) to get lost, he gets reamed by his manager (David Brisbin). In order to restore Glenn’s confidence, she buys an expensive car without even driving it. To help pay for the down $1000 down-payment she turns to her parents, only to find that they are broke and only buying in bulk, and in fact ask Ellen to borrow $1000. Ellen then returns to a now-confident Glenn to cancel the purchase, which promptly deflates him causing him to quit the dealership. Ellen then gives Glenn a job at the bookstore, but he proves to be a flop there as well, so Ellen has to fire him… but then finds out that Glenn has been evicted from his apartment. Ellen tries to get her money back from her parents, but finds that they’ve spent the money on dinner, a show, and a hotel. Ellen offers for Glenn to stay at her apartment, but he then tells her that he has a 1.8-million-dollar trust fund, and has only been working for the last two weeks to prove to his father that he could make it on his own. Glenn offers to buy Ellen the car, but she refuses… but Joe asks if he could get the car, and Glenn agrees. Steven Marcus is the agitated coffee drinker. Dorian Spencer is the customer who disappoints Glenn. 12/1/17
• 011. The Boyfriend Stealer – 8/30/1994
  • Susan decides to split the bookstore in half and add a coffee shop. She hires a man named Joe Farrell to manage that portion, and puts him under the direct supervision of Ellen. Meanwhile Holly’s boyfriend Steve (Tommy Hinkley) is very demonstrative with her, often giving her hugs and kisses on the cheek whenever he sees her. Ellen fears that Steve is trying to hit on her. Joe shows up and is standoffish right off the bat with Ellen, and she has trouble supervising him. Ellen places a bet on the Holyfield and Bowe fight, and then has Adam, Holly, and Steve over. After the fight quickly ends, Holly and Adam head out to pick up food, while Steve makes a pass at Ellen. When Holly comes back unexpectedly, Steve blames Ellen for trying to make a pass at her. Joe speculates that Ellen and he are not getting along because of the sexual tension between them, causing Ellen to lash out at his guff. Steve comes to see Ellen and admits that he is in fact attracted to her. She rebuffs him, but he thinks she is being coy, so they won’t get caught. Ellen invites Holly over to catch Steve in the act, and eventually she does find Steve stripped down to his underwear and they throw him out. John Mulrooney and Don Yesso are fight fans. Amy Jo Weinstein and Jo Steel are female customers. Steve Albert provides the voice of the fight announcer. NOTE: This episode aired out of sequence as the character of Joe was introduced in the third episode that aired. NOTE: This is the last appearance of Holly Fulger until Season 3 when two episodes filmed in 1994 were first aired. 8/7/18 

SEASON 2

• 012. The Dentist – 9/24/1994
  • Ellen has purchased the bookstore Buy the Book and is hanging out with her friend Paige Clark (Joely Fisher). She has also set Adam up with her beautiful friend Joanna (Andrea Parker) and they are in a relationship, but Adam starts to notice that the waitress (Blaire Baron) other women are hitting on him and feels stifled by the relationship. Ellen chips a tooth opening a beer bottle and goes to Paige’s attractive dentist Dave Ellis (Harley Venton) and hopes to impress him. Unfortunately, when the assistant Sarah (Martha Thompson) gives her nitrous oxide, she begins to act utterly ridiculous and makes a pass at him. Adam breaks it off with Joanna to everyone’s surprise, citing the need to be free. On his first night out, he encounters a gorgeous woman (Alicia Anne) and her friends who blow him off, as does the waitress. He immediately feels lonely and regrets his decision to break up with Joanna. He begs Ellen to talk to her and says he’ll never make the same mistake again. Ellen returns to the dentist, who says it’s best if he’s not her dentist anymore, but when he turns her over to the even more attractive Dr. Garber (Robert Gant), she simply flees. Adam and Joanna get back together, but once again feels stifled. Ellen jumps the gun and tells Joanna that he plans to break it off, and she storms out again, right before Adam surfaces from Ellen’s office and tells Ellen he almost made the biggest mistake of his life, and is again thrilled with Joanna… who is long gone. Brian McGovern is the romantic guy. Christine Romeo is the woman Ellen helps with a thread on her dress. 8/7/18
• 013. Saint Ellen – 9/28/1994
  • Ellen and her friends are planning to attend a movie premier and after-party, but when she finds out that Paige doesn’t actually have tickets, she balks at going. However, not wanting to be left behind, she goes along anyway and they sneak into the event, posing as Daisy Furwald. Ellen is thrilled with the free gifts and food, but when she fins out from an adoring admirer named Bill (Murray Rubenstein) who thinks she is the charitable Daisy that the event is actually a charity benefit, leaving her with pangs of guilt. Meanwhile Paige is trying to get in with producer Barry Forrest (John McCafferty) by quickly coming up with a movie plot concerning Keanu Reeves as a water, while Adam is actually mistaken for a waiter since his expensive jacket looks just like theirs. Ellen ends up winning the big prize, a giant screen TV which Adam quickly gets addicted to. Feeling even more guilty, Ellen volunteers at The Helping Hand, and quickly drives her co-workers Glynnis (Jane Carr) and Peter Barnes (Patrick Bristow) so crazy that Glynnis fires her from volunteering. Paige’s script is ultimately turned down, and Adam is sullen when Ellen donates the TV. Ellen instead volunteers to help Joe with his magic act at the children’s hospital. Kathleen McMartin is the customer Joe pays to say he saved when he is late for work. Kymberly Newberry and Dala Haun are women at the party. Lisa Inouye is the lady at the door. Steven Houska is the waiter. Leonard Kelly-Young is a customer. 3/10/19
• 014. The Thirty-Minute Man – 10/5/1994
  • Ellen has a crush on a customer at Buy the Book named Dan Dortmunder (William Ragsdale), and quickly accepts a date when he asks. That night Dan turns out to be the guy delivering Adam’s pizza. Paige assumes Ellen will cancel the date, but Adam and Ellen both think it’s no reason to not date someone. She asks Joe for his advice, but Joe believes that Ellen is in love with him. Ellen goes on the date with Dan and finds that the car smells like pizza and Dan has to make a pizza delivery during the date. She also finds out that Dan has been delivering pizza for eleven years and has no aspirations to do anything else. She still accepts another date and goes on a double one with Paige and her boyfriend Richard (Jerry Penacoli), who is a District Attorney. Ellen can’t stop talking about pizza during the dinner in order to make a case that it doesn’t matter what he does. On the way home, Ellen is forced to admit that she has a problem with his job. They split up, but a week later Dan brings Ellen his last pizza and tells her that she inspired him to quit and pursue his dream… which happens to be moving to Italy to deliver pizza. Meanwhile Adam orders a new couch and gets rid of the old one before it arrives, then there are delays in getting the couch. When it finally arrives, he thinks it is too new to sit. 1/22/20
• 015. The Note – 10/12/1994
  • Ellen runs a reading club at the bookstore, and after one of the meetings, Joe finds a note that was apparently passed between club members that says that Ellen in ‘insufferable’. She can’t stand the idea of someone not liking her, so she asks Paige to infiltrate the group to gain their trust and find out who it is. Ellen makes it a point to explain that she had never met Paige before, and then to butter everyone up with treats through the meeting. Among the suspects in the group are Phil (Kenneth Kimmins), Bob (Chad Einbinder), Sharon (Helen Siff), Ted (Dave Richardson), and Mr. Philips (Paul Marin). Paige quickly finds out that the one who doesn’t like her is Phil, quite simply because he told her. Ellen decides to go to his place of work to buy a mattress from him, and then once there, forces him to lay next to her while she questions him. Phil admits that he doesn’t like her because she once made fun of a bald man in the book they were reading, and he took it personally. Ellen says she had no idea that he wore a toupee. All is forgiven and everyone returns to class. However the group catches on that Ellen and Paige really do know each other, so they all turn on Ellen and quit the group. Meanwhile Adam asks out a girl named Marion (Andrea Leithe) who had called the house having dialed the wrong number. She finds him charming on the phone, but when she accepts his offer, finds him completely wound up in person. From then on they only phone date. Ellen is forced to admit that she can’t see Magic Eye illustrations. Gene Allan Poe is the other mattress salesman. 1/22/20
• 016. The Fix-Up – 10/19/1994
  • Ellen’s mother Lois is concerned about her being single, so she gives her number to Ellen’s former classmate Doug Henderson, which angers Ellen because he was always the class weirdo. When he calls, she agrees to meet him in a diner, but instructs Page to come bail her out after a half-hour. Upon arrival she finds him to be even weirder than she remembered when he hands her naked pictures of himself, but she soon realizes she is talking to the wrong man (Jim Jackman) when the real Doug (Bradley Whitford) shows up. When Page rushes in to tell Ellen that Adam fell off the roof, Ellen fends her off since she is having such a nice time with Doug, and then attempts to explain it to Doug by telling him that she and Page play practical jokes on each other whereby Page tries to get her to the hospital while she tries to get Paige to the airport. Four days later, Doug hasn’t called her again. Meanwhile Adam tries to get one of his photos published in Cosmopolitan, but the contest is for female photographers only, so he claims to be named Annabelle. Ellen collects recyclable bottles and a neighbor keeps leaving large bags of beer bottles on her doorstep. Paige borrows Ellen’s bomber jacket, and then loses it when she is doing an errand for her boss in his BMW and the car is stolen, which turns out to have been arranged by the boss in order to get the insurance money. Ellen finds out from her mother that Doug told his mother that Ellen was weird on the date, so Ellen arranges to run into Doug at the Diner, where she explains why she had had Paige bail her out of the blind date. He accepts that and agrees to a second date, but when he shows up early to see if she wants to use two Laker tickets, he sees the big bag of beer bottles, meets Adam in drag, and witnesses two detectives (Stephen James Carver, Garret Davis) arrive to question her about. He rushes out and avers that he’ll never let his mother set him up again. Later the two have reconciled and have lunch with Ellen’s mother, who despite hearing how successful, forgiving, and kind Doug is, confesses to Ellen that she doesn’t like him. 5/7/20
• 017. So Funny – 10/26/1994
  • Adam’s long-distance girlfriend Theresa (Kathy Najimy) comes for a visit from New York. Everyone finds her hilarious, but Ellen begins to feel jealous when people seem to find Theresa funnier than her. As a result, Ellen refuses to go out with them and complains how everyone will laugh at everything she says. Theresa overhears Ellen’s complains and soon she has hopped on a plane to go back to New York because of her. Ellen feels terrible and attempts to catch her at the airport to apologize. Theresa has already boarded the plane and a reluctant flight attendant (Mary Otis) lets her come on to quickly say she was sorry. Theresa isn’t receptive, but when Ellen tries to leave, she finds that the plane has already began its departure. She is forced to fly to New York, and is finally able to convince Theresa that she was only acting insecure. The two become fast friends, and once they arrive in New York, Ellen convinces her to turn around and come back to L.A. Meanwhile Paige’s boyfriend Don (Larry Poindexter) refuses to sleep with her because he wants to wait until it is ‘special.’ At first Paige thinks that it is charming and sexy, but then begins to grow impatient. Finally after throwing himself at her, he is ready to sleep with her… and asks if it would be okay if he wore her pantyhose. Milt Tarver is a passenger. 3/10/19
• 018. The Toast – 11/9/1994
  • Ellen’s brother Steven (Matt Letscher) is getting married to Cincy (Rebecca Staab), whose family tradition dictates that the bridesmaid wear huge, overblown gowns. Ellen is also nervous as she is the one making all of the arrangements for the wedding, including the rehearsal dinner where she will give a toast.  She is plagued by numerous calls from her Aunt Helen asking for directions. Her parents seem to believe that Steven can do no wrong and that Ellen ruins everything. Paige laughs because she turned down Steven for a date when they were younger because he was so awkward, but now that she sees how attractive and successful he is now, she has major regrets. When Ellen delivers her toast, she unwisely mentions that Steven had once been engaged before, causing Cindy to storm out. Ellen’s parents blame her, although Steven takes responsibility for not telling her before, and tells Ellen not to cancel anything for the next day. As they wait for the couple to show up to the wedding the next day, Ellen has to deal with the chapel director Charles Vogel (Mark L. Tayor) who wants to end the proceedings because another wedding is scheduled, Reverend Engler (J. Patrick McCormack) who has another wedding to perform, and the next couple themselves, Billy (Ryan Holihan) and Debbie (Nicki Vannice). Ellen asks them if they wouldn’t mind waiting to get married, and they agree to try again in two years after Billy finishes school. Steven and Cindy show up an initially say they are going to get married privately later since the last twelve hours have been so difficult, but Ellen convinces them that she will never live it down if the wedding doesn’t continue. They agree to be married, and Cindy confides in Ellen that while crying in her wine the previous night, she realized how much she loves Steven. Ellen makes the mistake of relaying this story in front of everyone, enraging Steven that Cindy has started drinking again. Nevertheless the wedding moves forward. Jill Baker is Mrs. Thompson, and Scott LaRose is Jack Sanders the photographer, both parts cut in the syndicated and DVD edits. 5/7/20
• 019. Adam’s Birthday – 11/16/1994
  • Ellen throws a surprise birthday party for an already-depressed Adam, and invites many of their old college friends, any of who comment how surprised they are that Adam is just the same as he was in college, and is still living with Ellen as he did in college. Their friends Chad (Chris Douridas) and Melissa (Jamie Hubbard) are similar in that they still live together as well… except they are married and expecting their first child. This causes Adam to re-examine his life and lack of growth, and suggests that maybe it’s time that Ellen and him live apart. The briefly consider that maybe they should fall in love, but quickly abandon that notion. Adam finds a new apartment where he gets a break in the rent by acting as building manager and handyman as well. Ellen and Adam say their goodbyes, and Adam notes that he thinks they should go cold turkey and not speak for while. Ellen turns the empty room into a reading/music room, but quickly becomes beside herself with boredom. Having never lived alone before, she has no idea what to do, so she invites Joe over for a visit. He is quickly disappointed that Ellen merely wants him to eat pizza on the couch and flip through the channels like Adam did, and that she has no interest in getting it on. Meanwhile Adam is haging out with the elderly residents of his complex. Ellen finally breaks down and calls Adam and suggest getting together, so the next day she goes to visit him and realizes Adam is living in a retirement hotel. When Ellen suggests that Adam would be better off at home, he accuses her of just wanting him to fulfill the void in her life. Ellen goes home and tries to enjoy it by walking on the furniture. Adam stops by and finally admits that he’d rather be back home, and asks Ellen if he can move back home. She agrees, but then they decide that it’s not a good idea. However Ellen notes that the room across the hall is now open and the building now needs a handyman, so that seems like a better option. Soon he moves in there, and they are back on Ellen’s couch eating pizza and flipping through the channels. Ellen and Adam’s college friends are Patrick (Bill Calvert), Kate (Karen Maruyama), and Billy (Brian Cousins). The elderly residents are Maisie (Patience Cleveland), Irving (Patrick Cranshaw), and Polly (Billye Ree Wallace). 8/20/20
• 020. The Trainer – 11/23/1994
  • As Adam tries to step into the shows of the old building handyman Mr. Goodman by avoiding everyone who needs work done, Ellen is caught in a predicament when she goes to visit Paige and is asked by her to pretend to be a fitness trainer to appease her tyrannical boss Ted Layton (Harry Shearer) when his trainer gets in an accident and can’t make it. Ted is film producer and Paige desperately wants to be made an executive since she has written several film treatments. Ted takes an immediate liking to Ellen, as she both coaches him and pitches books that would make great films. Eventually he offers her a job as an executive, and this upsets Paige so much that she ends up quitting. Meanwhile Adam is hiding out at the bookstore to avoid the tenants. Joe takes a phone call from one of them and ends up talking her through fixing her toilet. Ellen goes to see Ted and makes one final pitch which he loves. Then she tells him that it is one of Paige’s treatments, causing him to re-think how valuable Paige is to the company. He agrees to take her back and make her an executive, so Ellen leaves the room to go call her. While she is making the call, Paige comes back to the office and asks for her old job back as his secretary. He takes her back, and she leaves the room. Then Ellen returns and says that Paige will need some incentives to come back, leaving Ted to call her bluff. 8/20/20
• 021. Mrs. Koger – 11/30/1994
  • After letting a mechanic who kept her car for repairs when she only went in for gas, Ellen allows Adam to come in regularly and eat her food, and then allows her elderly downstairs neighbor Beverly Koger (Nita Talbot) to yell at her day after day every time she passes her door no matter how quiet she attempts to be. Meanwhile Ellen has also hired a new manager named Lloyd (Nick Bakay) for the book store. Ellen explains that he used to be a corporate executive for a competing book chain, but lost his job when he had a nervous breakdown. He and Joe immediately are at odds when Lloyd suggests shutting down the coffee counter and having Joe sell coffee from a stand outside. Ellen tries to broker peace between them but it leads to a larger fight. Paige recommends that Ellen rule with an iron fist since she is their boss. When Ellen comes home that night, tiptoeing past Mrs. Koger’s door, and yet still manages to get yelled at, Ellen finally reads the riot act to Mrs. Koger, causing her to silently go back inside. When she gets to her apartment, she also lays down the law with the mechanic and Adam, but Adam is too shaken up by having found Mrs. Koger dead in her apartment. A police officer (Matt McKenzie) tells her that she died a little after 9:00pm, which is just after Ellen yelled at her. Ellen feels so guilty that she attends the funeral and even gives a eulogy when the funeral director (Damian London) can’t find anyone else to speak. During her speech, she admits that she killed her. The relatives however laugh it off, and tell her that she got into fights with people every day of her life, always resorting to yelling. Ellen later returns to work and is forced to fire Lloyd, who has no only gotten rid of the coffee counter and changed the furniture, but it now trading books for socks, indicating that the pressure has gotten to him again. He is relieved to be let go, but Joe will miss him because he has also instituted a coffee-for-underwear policy. A younger, prettier tenant named Gwen (Crystal Carson) moves into Mrs. Koger’s apartment, and after a friendly introduction to Ellen and Adam, she asks that they be quiet when they pass her door. Marianne Muellerleile is the relative Edna. Rick Scarry is a funeral guest. 12/6/20
• 022. Ellen’s New Friend – 12/7/1994
  • Ellen agrees to meet up with her annoying friend Audrey (Clea Lewis), who is bubbly but unintentionally insults and annoys everyone she encounters. However Ellen is anxious to meet Audrey’s friend Jessica (Angela Dohrmann), a travel writer for Rolling Stone. After they meet, Ellen really wants to become friends with Jessica, and even more so wants to attend Jessica’s party that weekend which will feature gourmet foods, music, and celebrities. Ellen accepts a dinner invitation to Audrey’s because she thinks Jessica will be there, but upon arrival finds out that Jessica could only stop by for a minute. Ellen then resorts to calling Audrey and asking if they can hang out on Saturday, the night of the party. Audrey agrees, if Ellin is willing to stop by the party. When they meet though, Audrey tells her that she’s cancelled with Jessica and wants to go to the steakhouse, despite the fact that Ellen is vegetarian. While at the restaurant, Ellen sneaks a peek at the invitation and gets Jessica’s address, and then feigns a stomach ache in order to leave. She and Paige go to the party and are living it up wen Audrey shows up and is devastated. In order to make it up to her, Ellen agrees to spend the weekend in the mountains with Audrey, living in tent in the cold and massaging Audrey’s feet. Unknown to Ellen, Jessica is searching for her to take her on a balloon ride in Africa, and when she can’t find her, she takes page. Meanwhile Joe is forced to give up coffee because of an ulcer. However he is later diagnosed with a pancreatic cyst. He doesn’t know or care what it is, because he can return to coffee. Adam gets an armoire in an inheritance from his uncle and keeps it at Ellen’s. When he finds out that his cousin got the letters from his grandfather to Abraham Lincoln, he trades the letters for armoire. Then he finds out that the letters were only the ones his grandfather wrote to Lincoln complaining about his neighbor’s pig… which Lincoln never responded to. Andrew Shaifer is a party guest. 12/6/20
• 023. The Christmas Show – 12/14/1994
  • Ellen is dating a guy named Greg (Eric Lutes), who is driving Ellen crazy by liking and complimenting her too much. With Christmas coming, she decides to break it off with her before he gives her a Christmas gift and she gets stuck in the relationship. Meanwhile, Ellen hires a new girl named Stephanie (Kate Hodge), who is driving both Ellen and Joe crazy with her incompetence as she tells one customer (Molly David) that books are a terrible gift, and doesn’t even attempt to help another customer (Joyce Sylvester) looking for a cookbook. Paige is trying to find a gift that won’t upset her mother (voice of Connie Stevens) like it usually does. Ellen misses her chance to break up before Greg gives her a diamond bracelet. She later tries again, but he tells her that he loves her. Joe suddenly gets into the Christmas spirit when he and Stephanie start dating. However the relationship turns tempestuous when they start getting jealous every time they talk to another customer of the opposite sex. Ellen tries turning Greg off by telling him that she hates kittens, but he waylays her again by telling her that he hasn’t had a happy Christmas since his parents were killed in a car accident. She agrees to go to Greg’s brother Patrick (David Sederholm) and his wife Joanne’s (Patricia Lentz) house for the holiday. Along with family members Richard (Mark McCracken), Lorraine (Laurel Anne Green), Bambi (Lisa Harrison), and young Bud (Zachary Eginton), they sing carols all night, with the family declaring that Ellen is even better than their late parents at singing The Twelve Days of Christmas and Deck the Halls. Paige’s mother is offended when she gets her a rice cooker, since her husband left her for a Vietnamese woman. As the New Year approaches, Ellen still hasn’t broken up, and she tries to slip it in before the the 1995 ball drops, but he misunderstands her during the cheering. At their wedding, Ellen still tries to tell him as the minister performs the ceremony. Ellen wakes up and realizes it is a dream… and their wedding really isn’t until the next day. Jeffrey Alan Chandler is the cookie customer. Jonathan Emerson is the customer who gets kissed. 3/29/21
• 024. Ellen’s Improvement – 1/4/1995
  • Ellen is tired of missing questions while watching Jeopardy, and after missing one that is asked by host Alex Trebek (voiced by himself) by artist Wassily Kandinsky, she decides to read up on him, and attend an art exhibit which contains his work. Because she just studied up on him, she is able to speak intelligently about his life and work to a cultured professor named Roger (Gregory Paul Martin). She accepts a date to go see a jazz concert, and then reads up on jazz in order to sound knowledgeable in that area as well. However, when he arrives to pick her up, he announces that they are now going to the opera to see The Marriage of Figaro. Meanwhile Joe and Stephanie move in together, but after 45 minutes, he becomes bored with her and they have a fight, forcing him to move into the the bookstore. During the opera, Ellen has nothing to say about it, so keeps talking about jazz, while Roger makes jokes with a Korean couple (Peter Kim, Kim Kim) sitting in the balcony near them. Finally Ellen admits that opera isn’t part of her world, so Roger asks Ellen to show him her world. They wind up spending the next evening at her place watching Melrose Place. Roger becomes addicted to TV, so that is all they start doing. Ellen longs to go out, so finally he agrees to take her to a show, which turns out to be a taping of Full House. Roger interacts with actors Bob Saget (himself) and Mary-Kate Olsen (herself), until Saget asks security to throw Roger out of the studio. Ellen tries to take her other friends to see Madame Butterfly, but it holds no one’s interest. Ellen tells Paige that Roger hasn’t called since he got his own satellite dish. 3/29/21
• 025. The Apartment Hunt – 1/11/1995
  • Ellen feels obligated to help her annoying friend Audrey find a new apartment, and tries to convince her to get places that are as far away as possible. Audrey seems hellbent on finding a place closer to Ellen, and keeps shutting down every suggestion. Meanwhile, Paige is obsessed with a current murder trial, and in order to find out more information, she starts dating Alternate Juror #16 (Ken Olandt), whose face is blocked out, in an effort to find more information. Joe and Stephanie find rats in the bookstore, which causes Joe to faint. Joe wants to get them out by any means, but Stephanie insists they do it humanely. Adam is frustrated that someone keeps stealing his newspaper, so he sets up a system using floss and a camera to find out the identity of the thief. The crook winds up stealing the paper, the floss, and the camera. Ellen finally talks Audrey into one of the apartments. However after her first night there, an earthquake destroys it, so Audrey moves in with Ellen for a week of constant annoyance. Ellen finally gets Audrey to get back to searching for another apartment, and they find a rental house that seems perfect, but Audrey isn’t interested. Ellen decides to take the apartment and give Audrey her place. Before Ellen can even unpack, a wildfire burns it down, so she has to resort to moving back in with Audrey. New evidence comes out that reveals the the innocence of the killer, which causes to alternate juror to scream in horror, and the censored mark over his fact to disappear. Adam finally catches the newspaper thief, who turns out to be fellow tenant Selman (Joey Slotnick). Adam has him thrown out of the building, and Audrey takes his apartment, promising to still visit Ellen almost constantly, reducing Ellen to tears. Joe is sent out to release the rats from their traps, but since on one secured the trap latches, they get loose in his car. Ralph P. Martin is Tony, the first apartment manager. Marcia Mitzman is Debby, the rental property manager. 7/26/21
• 026. The Spa – 1/25/1995
  • Ellen and Paige are all ready to go on their girls’ trip to a ski lodge, leaving Adam behind to try and find a male friend to hang out with for the Super Bowl. Ellen suggests that he become friends with Joe, so Adam awkwardly asks Joe to come hang out at Ellen’s apartment. However, after the cable goes out, Joe starts to feel uncomfortable and although Adam tries to solidify plans for the Super Bowl, Joe just says he’ll call him. Meanwhile, Paige changes the plans on Ellen and insists that they now go to a spa for a weekend of healthy food, exercise, and pampering. Ellis miserable with a painful massage from a lout named Brent (Patrick Warburton), a mud both that she likens to hell, and the miniscule meals they are served. They meet models Lauren (Felicity Waterman) and Tanya (Kimberly Russell), who seemingly can’t finish even their tiny vegetable meal. Ellen and Paige finally become so ravenous that they eat the cucumbers used on their eyes for their beauty treatment, and then begin to argue with each other. Ellen stakes her claim as being in charge, and engineers a plan to sneak out since their host Sylvia (Molly Cheek) has take their car keys. Back home, Adam storms into the bookstore since Joe never called him and wouldn’t pick up the phone, but Joe says he’s been busy and apologizes. Adam forgives him, until he overhears a guy named Bear (Kevin Mangold) confirm plans with Joe on Sunday for the Super Bowl. Joe tells Adam he’ll watch the Pro Bowl with him, but Adam defiantly says he’ll ‘call’ him. Paige and Ellen wind up getting stuck on the fence as they try to make their way to the convenience store for food for themselves, and for the models, who confessed that they are starving also. After fighting more with each, they end up laughing about their predicament… until a bear shows up. 7/25/21
• 027. Ballet Class – 2/8/1995
  • While having dinner with her parents, Ellen, who has once again let them down by not bringing a date, is asked repeatedly to play some piano for them. Ellen reminds them that, despite several years of lessons, never really learned to play. She also reminds them that had always wanted to take ballet instead, but since the ballet school burned down and they couldn’t find another one, Ellen never took another ballet lesson. She realizes that they had lied about this to keep her out of ballet when the instructor told them that she wasn’t graceful. She convinces Paige to join an adult class with her, but Paige gets out of it as soon as she meets a karate student named Jerry (Spencer Rochfort), and leaves with him before the first class. Ellen’s ballet teacher ends up being the flamboyant Peter Barnes, who announces that after six weeks of classes, they will put on a recital of Giselle, and the best student will get the lead part. Ellen’s fiercest competition is the snooty Maya (Elaine Hendrix), who likes to suck up to Peter. Ellen enlists Adam, who took ballet for several years until he got tired of being made fun of, to help her on the side for the next six weeks, so she might have the chance for the lead. She also tries to butter up Peter by taking him with her to dinner at her parents house. This goes horribly when Ellen offers to bribe Peter for the lead role, and her parents think he is the man she will marry despite his obvious flamboyancy. He winds up casting Ellen as a shrub, but when the snooty Maya tries to show Ellen how to dance like a shrub, she injures her back. Peter gives the role to Ellen, and Ellen, who imagines everyone insulting her when she sees their faces over the Prince’s actor Sam’s (Scott Fowler) face, winds up punching him. With him out of commission now, Adam winds up taking over his part as the Prince. Peter prefers Adam’s choreography for the play to his own, and Ellen winds up with a lot of fanfare. She later practices her ballet alone, scoffing at those who said she wasn’t graceful… just as she hits herself in the face with the door. Meanwhile, Ellen attempts to instruct Joe how to signal her when he is mocking her, because sometimes she can’t tell the difference. 1/20/22
• 028. Guns ‘n’ Ellen – 2/15/1995
  • One night while Ellen and Adam are in the apartment bathroom getting ready, when two burglars (David DeLuise, Jamie Marsh) break in through the back door. They can scarcely find anything to steal, and make fun of Ellen’s stereo system. Adam is no help and is too scared to do anything about it. Paige wanders into the apartment, and they quickly pull her into the bathroom before the robbers can see her. They overheard the robbers say that they aren’t leaving until they find something valuable to steal, so Ellen throws Paige’s watch out for them, so they take it and flee. Ellen and her friends then go to the police station to report the robbery to Detective Gil Ryan (Eric Allan Kramer), who offers to come over to their apartment to give Ellen and her friends some self-defense training. Ellen invites Audrey and Joe over as well, and they go through a session, revealing that Joe is actually quite adept at self-defense, and that Adam makes a good victim for the girls to throw around. Audrey also reveals to them all that she has a gun that she is willing to loan Ellen until Ellen once again feel comfortable in her home. They all go to the range, but after Ellen does some target practice, she decides that a gun isn’t for her, so she settles on a burglar-proofing the house with iron bars and getting a giant man-sized dummy to become her new ‘friend’. When even this doesn’t make her feel safe, Ellen moves back into her parents’ house, where he father takes care of her. One day she gets a call that her stuff has been found, so she heads to the police station, where she sees the robbers and finds out they will only be incarcerated for 90 days. Ellen decides to take back her dignity, and announces to the robbers that she isn’t going to be intimidated by them and is taking back her life. After she leaves the station, she quickly returns to report that her care has been stolen. 1/27/22
• 029. The Sleep Clinic – 2/22/1995
  • After Adam fixes Ellen’s toilet, Ellen rewards him by making out with him… only to wake up and realize she was having another sex dream about Adam. She tells Paige that his is the eighth one, and wonders if there is a deeper meaning since it has been about a dozen years since they went out before. Audrey, on the other hand, is very open about her feelings, and tells both Ellen and Paige about her raging crush on him. She also tells Joe about the situation, and he admits that he has dreams about Ellen all of the time. Audrey comes over to Ellen’s place while Adam is there taking a shower. She seduces him and they have sex, but he immediately tries to find out a way to get out of it. Ellen continues to have dreams about Ellen, even imagining the Andrae Crouch Singers (Gloria Augustus, Ricky Charles, Kristle Murden, Kathy Hazzard, Linda McCrary) singing the Hallelujah Chorus over them. She decides to go see therapist Dr. Whitcomb (Paxton Whitehead) for a quick fix to see what is going on, but he suggests three sessions a week. He winds up leaving it up to her to explore her feelings for Adam. He wants to pretend that he is in a relationship with Ellen to get Audrey off of his back. Audrey comes over and congratulates them on their relationship and tells them that she always though they would make a perfect couple. Ellen’s mother also comes over and hears from Audrey about the new ‘relationship’ and is thrilled. Ellen decides that she wants to set Audrey straight by faking a fight so that she and Adam can ‘break up’, leaving Adam too ‘distraught’ to date anyone else. As they wait for her to arrive, they chat about their relationship, and Adam admits that he has sex dreams all of the time about Ellen. She starts to wonder if they should give their relationship another chance. When Audrey arrives, they play up the fight and break-up, but she butts in and tells them that they were meant for each other and she wants to help them. She makes them give each other a big kiss, which lasts until after she leaves. However, Ellen and Adam realize that they felt nothing from the kiss. Ellen then has a dream about paying Dr. Whitcomb back… in bed. 6/1/22
• 030. Gladiators – 3/1/1995
  • Adam is over at Ellen’s house, drinking a Seaweed Protein shake, when Paige barges in to report that she got in a car accident with Audrey. When Audrey follows her in, she said she had a near death experience, so wants to take the opportunity to kiss Adam. He admits he’s drinking the shake in order bulk up in order to audition for American Gladiators. Ellen goes along with Adam to the audition, but is told by Debbie (Jackie Roberts), one of the ladies running it, that she can’t stay unless she auditions herself. She decides to give it a try and impresses them enough that she gets invited to be on the show. Adam gets disqualified because he can’t do enough chin-ups. Ellen also impresses one of the show regulars Nitro (Danny Lee Clark), who asks her on a date. Adam asks out the Gladiator Ice (Lori Fetrick), who not only turns him down, but punches him. Back at work, Ellen gets a letter from a customer named Brian (W. Earl Brown) complaining about Joe’s attitude, so Ellen gives him a talking-to and insists that he be nice to the customers. Paige finds out that Audrey’s lawyer is suing her for the accident, but thinks it is all a big joke and that there’s no problem between her and page. Nitro comes in to talk to Ellen and break it off with her because he feels there is no chemistry between them. However, Ellen finds out that Nitro and Ice were an item, and that he was just using Ellen to make Ice jealous. Ice talks trash to Ellen, and when they wind up in the jousting contest against each other, Ellen not only defeats her but continues to pummel her after she is knocked out, causing her to be disqualified for the first time in the history of the show. Paige abruptly slows down while driving in front of Audrey, causing her to rear end her… and opening up Audrey to a lawsuit of her own. Ellen tells Joe to get rid of the Seaweed Protein shake, but instead he serves it to Brian when he figures out who he is. Jeffrey Lampert and Raymond Forchion are coffee shop customers. Mike Adamle is himself. Lee Reherman is Hawk. Connie Needham is the waitress. Jeff Sanders is a contestant. 6/1/22
• 031. $5000 – 3/22/1955
  • Ellen receives a check in the mail for the IRS for $5000, even though she expected to owe money on her taxes. She thinks the money might belong to another woman with her name, so she decides to look into it. Meanwhile, Adam asks Ellen if she would like to pose for some photos of her acting as inanimate objects. She has no interest, but Paige steps in and agrees to do it. Ellen goes to the IRS and is directed to Mr. Woodruff (Dan Florek), who confirms that the money was in fact due to Ellen, and he tells her that she should feel free to spend it. Back at the bookstore, Adam starts taking his photos of Paige posing as a table, a parking meter, a Christmas tree, a vending machine, and the bookstore door. Joe gets concerned that the IRS worries won’t cause federal agents to start hanging around the bookstore, since, Ellen learns, Joe is in the country illegally from Canada. To avoid suspicion, he decorates his coffee shop area of the bookstore in patriotic gear. Ellen goes to the Helping Hand and sees Peter Barnes and donates the $5000 to the organization, which makes her a Platinum Angel level of donors and makes Peter ecstatic. Later that night, she gets another letter form the IRS, telling her that has been overpaid $5000 and has to get it paid back to avoid fines or criminal prosecution. Ellen returns to the IRS, where Mr. Woodruff confirms that she does own the money now. He apologizes for the mistake but says there’s nothing he can do about it. Next, he returns to the Helping Hand, where she finds that they have spent the money to build a day care center called the Ellen Morgan Daycare Center. She is a hero to all of the children, and one little girl named Julie (Brittany Ashton Holmes) thinks she is an angel. She then has to tell Peter that she needs the money back, which will mean that the kids will have to have all of their toys returned. She tries to explain the situation with the IRS by putting on a puppet show using a monster as the IRS. However, in the end, she lets the kids keep their toys, and has to make other plans to get the money back some other way. When she realizes that Adam is paying Paige $500 for the modeling she is doing, Ellen decides to do it as well, staring with making her a ceiling fan, followed by a fire extinguisher, a hot dog, and a hood ornament, and water fountain, and a TV. Joe is no longer worried about the IRS when he gets a fake ID card identifying him as Harry Champlain. 9/24/22
• 032. Three Strikes – 3/29/1995
  • Ellen joins an animal rights activist group with Paige and Adam, but she winds up being the only one who winds up getting arrested when she accidentally hits a security guard with her picket sign. Adam tries to get the group’s leader Rosie (Christine Elise) to go topless. Joe jokes around about clubbing seals, and gets slapped by Rosie. Ellen winds up in a cell with a psychotic woman (Kate Benton), but Ellen’s parents come bail her out. While her mother is hysterical, her father offers to act as her lawyer. In court, Mr. Morgan requests that the Judge Mitchell Sung (Clyde Kusatsu) release Ellen into their custody. The Judge says he was going to release her on her own recognizance but likes the idea. Not only do her parents quickly start to drive her crazy after three days, so she asks if she can go home, but they say they’re not ready for her to leave yet and that she has to live under their rules… including all of her peas. They also make her wear a conservative dress to work because she wanted to watch MTV the previous night. Paige gets tickets for the Liz Phair concert for Ellen and Adam, but she says she’ll have to ask her mother, but has a good chance since she did the dishes that morning without being told. Her mother tells Ellen she can’t go to the concert because she’s afraid of drugs and sex. She says if Ellen wants to see her friends, she’ll have to have them over to the house. Paige and Adam join them that night to play Scrabble, and Paige convince Ellen that she needs to sneak out to the concert, so after they leave, she takes her parents’ car and heads to the show. She winds up getting pulled over by a cop (Roger Eschbacher) because the car has been stolen. Later they return to court, and her father brags that they got her to eat her peas, but the Judge is more concerned with the Grand Theft Auto charge. The judge criticizes her parents for calling the police on her, but Ellen comes to their defense for being good parents. The whole family gets in a fight with the judge, and they all wind up in jail. Ellen’s mother wants Ellen to make herself presentable for the police officers. She also starts to run at the mouth, so Ellen requests solitary confinement. 9/24/22
• 033. The Therapy Episode – 5/3/1995
  • Ellen cancels a lunch date with her mother by telling her a lie that she is sick, and then proceeds to go on a ski trip with Paige and Adam. While they are on the ski lift, it stops and begins to rattle, causing the seat in front of them to fall to the ground. Fearing for their lives, Ellen feels guilty about lying to her mother, Adam regrets never having children, and Paige simply feels exhilarated, and is the first to jump when they get a net under her. Once all are safe, Adam begins searching for a woman to plant his seed into, but then at Joe’s suggestion, decides to go to a sperm bank since he really has no interest in actually raising a child. He finds the whole experience too oddly sterile, so he decides to wait until he can have a child the old-fashioned way. Paige winds up with an insatiable need for thrills and goes sky diving, which causes her to break her leg. Ellen decides to talk to her therapist Dr. Whitcomb, who advises her to make a list of all of the lies she has told her mother and to come clean. She meets with her and unburdens herself with all of the lies, including how she has never worn a jacket with butterflies on it that her mother got her for Christmas. When Ellen asks her mother if there’s anything she has lied about, the only thing she can think of is that her Aunt Frieda is not really her aunt, but rather a former mistress of her father that he had while they were separated when she was a young teen. Ellen hadn’t even known about the separation, so she brings both of her parents with her to therapy. The doctor recommends they spend a night of total honesty together, so Ellen has them over. They draw subject cards to kick start their conversations, leading to Lois admitting to Harold that she wishes he would take out the garbage without being told. She also tells Ellen that she would really like to see her married. Ellen then lays into her for trying to pick her boyfriend, her clothes, and everything else she interferes with. This hurts Lois’s feelings, so she decides to leave. Ellen stops her and suggests they all go out for ice cream, and Ellen even wears the butterfly jacket that her mother got for her. They decide they’d rather live with their lies as long as it makes them happy. The three of them all tell others lies about their whereabouts and go skiing together. While up on the lift, they see Paige skiing down below with her broken leg. 1/17/23
• 034. Thirty Kilo Man: Part 1 – 5/10/1995
  • Ellen’s mother is once again after Ellen to find a boyfriend, telling her that she is much too picky. Ellen says that she doesn’t need a man, so if she’s going to have one, he had better be perfect for her. Meanwhile, Audrey has begun dating a police officer named Jack (Patrick Warburton), whom she met when he pulled her over. She mostly brings him around to make Adam jealous, but he isn’t around to even meet him. Ellen’s old boyfriend Dan Dortmunder returns from Italy after six months and invites Ellen to go out to dinner. Ellen is still smitten by him and agrees to go along. Dan tells her that he is no longer obsessed with pizza and has taken a job for an importer/exporter company based out of Sicily. After their date, Ellen and Dan sleep together and she is on top of the world, although Adam is a bit put off that she has another man when he wants to still be living in her apartment. Audrey breaks it off with Jack, who was getting jealous trying to ‘complete’ with Adam. He tells Audrey that he is going to get even with Adam, and then proceeds to give Adam six parking tickets in two days. Ellen plans to introduce Dan to her parents but is a little suspicious when two guys named Mike (Dean Fortunado) and Al stop by her apartment looking for Dan to give him a package. Paige just thinks she is being picky again, but when Dan tells her that he has to fly down to Miami to meet a distributor due to some issues with customs, she start to have little doubt that he is a drug smuggler. Mike and Al return to Ellen’s place and this time they drop off a package. Ellen is curious about it and purposely drops it, then punctures the packaging with a knife, only to find white powder flying out of the box. Paige and Adam go to dinner, and this time Paige leaves her wallet behind since Adam seems to always ‘forget’ his. With neither of them able to pay for the bill, the restaurant calls the police and Dan shows up as one of the officers. NOTE: This is the first of a two-part episode. 1/17/23
• 035. Thirty Kilo Man: Part 2 – 5/17/1995
  • After Ellen finds the white powder in the box that Dan received, her parents return to her apartment with Dan after having ran into him coming to her place. They take an instant liking to him and start making plans to spend time with him. Dan gets a page from Miami and steps out of the apartment. As Ellen starts to tell her parents that he’s a drug smuggler, the police show up at the door so Ellen and her mother head to the bathroom to flush the powder down the toilet. The cop turns out to be Jack bringing home Adam and Paige, who has come to get her checkbook. Jack warns Adam that he doesn’t want to see him in the city. Dan returns just as Ellen and her mother come out of the bathroom covered in white powder. Dan explains the powder is flour and that his been importing flour, olive oil, sun-dried tomatoes, and pasta. Dan forgives her, but suggests that they move slow in their relationship, while Ellen suggests that they spend every waking minute together. After spending several weeks in Ellen’s apartment together, Ellen finally emerges when Paige shows up to check on her and invite her out to eat. Ellen agrees, but Dan then invites himself and suggests they bring Adam and Audrey along as well. When they come back to Ellen’s apartment, Dan questions Adam why he hasn’t hooked up with Audrey, when Adam suddenly realizes how attractive she is. Audrey changes her plan and tries to play hard to get, but after a minute at the restaurant, she and Adam run off together. Paige feels like a third wheel and sticks around at the restaurant with Ellen and Dan, even though they are driving her crazy cooing at each other. After the meal, Paige tells Ellen that it is ridiculous how much Ellen and Dan are fused together. Later, Ellen and Dan go on a double date with Adam and Audrey to see Die Hard 3. Jack is also at the movies and tries to lure Audrey away by taking off his shirt and threatening Adam. Paige shows up at the film with Joe, who tells her she will need to pay him back since he isn’t ‘getting any’ that night. Adam gets turned on again by Audrey so they leave. Ellen and Paige bicker during the film, and Ellen reminds Paige how many times she has thrown her over when she meets a guy. Their bickering causing a man (Dan Forunato) to throw popcorn at them. They wind up in a popcorn fight and the girls get thrown out. The girls make up and decide to go have a coffee and a nice long chat, but when Jack roams up to them without his shirt on, Paige is quick to run off with him to ‘console’ him about losing Audrey. Scotch Ellis Loring is the waiter. 6/30/23

SEASON 3

• 036. Shake, Rattle, and Rubble – 9/13/1995
  • Ellen wakes up one night in the middle of an earthquake which then leads to a blackout. Paige shows up to borrow a briefcase from Ellen for a breakfast job interview. Also, Ellen’s cousin Spence Kovak (Jeremy Piven) from New York shows up unexpectedly after receiving a last-minute fellowship to work at Cedars-Sinai. Once the power comes back, Paige calls her potential employer and finds out that her interview has been cancelled, and Adam goes back home with Audrey to check on his Star Trek collector plates. Ellen shows Spence around her apartment, and he confides in her that his story about the fellowship was a lie, and that actually his residency at Manhattan General was terminated when he punched a patient who complained to him about Spence cutting off his hair plants to put his brain back in his head. He complains how he has had a lot to live up to since he parents have been giving him medical supplies as Christmas gifts every year. Ellen recalls she always got shirts instead of a Sno-Cone maker like she wants. Ellen takes Spence to see Buy the Book, and when they arrive, she is aghast to find out the amount of destruction from the earthquake. Joe shows up and his very pleased that his equipment was in nearly perfect condition. Adam shows up with Audrey to take pictures of the damage for Ellen’s insurance claims. Paige finds out her interview is back on and comes to get her suit from the dry cleaners next door, only to find that they haven’t re-opened yet. Paige realizes that she can see her suit through a hole in Ellen’s wall. She starts to hammer away at the wall until she can get her suit. She winds up grabbing the wrong one, but since it is nicer than hers, she just uses that one. A reporter (Rick Fitts) shows up to see how Ellen is coping with the destruction, and she says she gets through by thinking of happy songs. A customer (Ruth Manning) comes in and wants the latest Danielle Steele book. Spence tells Ellen that he and her friends are all taking advantage of her instead of rallying around her. He also asks if he can stay with her until he figures out his next move. However, he encourages her to put her friends into place, so she stands up and demands a Sno-Cone maker. They all decide to dig in and help her, first raising a beam that shorts out a light and triggers the fire sprinkler system. Back home, Ellen tells Spence how glad she is that he was there to help her. Another after shock hits them, and Ellen and Spence spend the night in a blanket fort doing hand puppets. 7/1/23
• 037. These Successful Friends of Mine – 9/20/1995
  • After Ellen chooses a contractor (Kevin Light) because he is attractive and built, she starts to feel overwhelmed by the entire project of putting back together her store following the earthquake. Meanwhile, Paige gets her dream job as a Hollywood development executive, and suddenly doesn’t have as much time for Ellen. Adam has one of his photos from the earthquake aftermath chosen to be published in Life magazine. When Ellen hears that Ivan, who ran the dry cleaner next door to her bookstore, has decided to cash in his insurance money and leave without re-opening. She starts to wonder if she might be able to do the same thing herself. She realizes that she’s never really followed any sort of dream, so she decides to board a bus to travel across America to find her dream. The bus she boards is only going to Barstow, so that’s where she begins. As she logs her journey on a tape recorder, the bus driver (Hal Landon, Jr.) gets annoyed with her, especially after she mentions the movie Speed and the bomb in the film. She tries to talk to a hacking, smoking woman (Paddi Edwards) and a mousy man (David Wells) who turns out to be a pervert. When she helps a kid (Tommy Bertelsen) get his Simba stuffed animal out of his suitcase, she winds up spilling many of the suitcases, and gets thrown off the bus. She ends up at an Oddity Museum, where she is forced to take the tour before the proprietor Jake Hilfiger (Jim Haynie). The final exhibit is a Magic 8 ball, so Ellen asks it if she should return home and re-open the bookstore. When the ball keeps telling her not to go back, she is clearly disappointed. Jake tells her that her desire to go back is all of the answer that she needs. He advises that if you get up every morning and like where you’re going and who you see, then you’ve found your dream. Ellen returns back to the bookstore to tell Joe that she loves the place and will rebuild the bookstore according to her own dreams. She to her dream log to remember the fix the flushy thing on the bookstore toilet. Sherlinda Dix is the lady with the underwear. 10/28/23
• 038. The Shower Scene – 9/27/1995
  • Paige is planning to begrudgingly host her sister Heather’s (Connie Britton) baby shower for her twins Madison and Montana. Meanwhile, Spence illegally taps into apartment’s cable, and although she feels guilty about it, she gets excited when reruns of Thirtysomething start to air and starts to tape them so that she can have the collection. Paige gets a copy of the videotape of Heather giving birth to her twins. Later she takes the tape to the bookstore where they are still preparing the place for business and pulls Joe aside to show him the birth tape. She then realizes that she had tapes over the birth with an episode of Thirtysomething. After realizing there is no way to recover the tape, Ellen is hesitant to tell Paige about the tape. Spence suggests that all births look alike, so Ellen heads to the hospital with a video camera and asks a pregnant woman (Dailyn Matthews) if she can videotape her birth. The woman tells her to get away from her or she will scream. Ellen then tells a nurse (Judy Kain) that she’s looking for a friend of hers who is having twins. They find a woman named Mrs. Lowrey (Rachel Davies) and tell her there is free, mandatory videotaping process of the birth, but she also declines the offer. Ellen then tries to tell her that she and Spence are angels, before she is wheeled off to labor. Having been unsuccessful in her attempts, Ellen returns to the bookstore where they are holding the baby shower. Ellen tries to tell Paige about the tape, but they are interrupted by Heather opening her gifts, followed by a toast from their grandmother (Fiona Hale), who then introduces the tape of the babies being born. Ellen tries to stop it in favor of shower games, but everyone insists on watching the tape. Ellen has to admit to Paige and Heather that she taped Thirtysomething over the birth, causing Heather to be furious with both of them. Heather bitterly announces to the group what happened, but one person is interested in which episode she had taped, and they all end up watching it at the shower. Sandra Kinder is the saleslady. Colleen Wainwright is the voice of the ‘which episode’ woman. 10/28/23
• 039. The Bridges of L.A. County – 10/4/1995
  • Ellen celebrates the re-opening of Buy the Book, even if she can’t cut the ribbon at the ceremony. Ellen resumes her book club with its members Will Davies (Anthony Clark), the widowed schoolteacher Mrs. Rodgers (Kate Williamson), Kenny Burke (Paul Bates), Ranjit Sudar (Brian George), and a new member named Karen Lewis (Christine Taylor). As they discuss the book Oliver Twist, Spence gets annoyed when the attractive keeps referring to Fagin as ‘Fabian.’ Although Spence is frustrated by her incredible stupidity, the next morning Ellen is surprised when she finds out that Spence had Karen over at her place and slept with her. He tells Ellen that it was a one-night only situation, but Ellen is disgusted that he never told her that and fears she will be crushed. When Karen shows up at the bookstore looking for a romantic card for someone special, Ellen is so nervous she can barely speak to her. While drinking wine with Paige and Audrey, Ellen decides to call Karen, and she leaves a message telling her that her cousin Spence is not going to call her even though she is great. At the next book club, the group discusses The Bridges of Madison County, and Spence calls it sentimental crap. Karen barges in and yells at Ellen for leaving the message since her husband heard it. Group members are quick to point out the similarity to the book they are reading. Spence feels he’s been used, but the group wants Karen to leave her husband and run to Spence. They compare Ellen to being the ‘annoying townspeople’, and they all agree that Ellen shouldn’t have interfered. Spence and Ellen talk about future rules regarding one-night stands. Spence tells Ellen about all of the boys who returned calls that Ellen made when she was drunk and feeling scorned. Executive producer Vic Kaplan appears as himself in the opening credits. 3/4/24
• 040. Hello, I Must Be Going – 10/18/1995
  • Adam announces that he was offered a job as a feature photographer for The Sun Times in London, England, and will be gone for three years. Even though he is leaving on Friday, Audrey feels that her work is done with him and that it is time for him to leave the nest. Ellen is stunned by the news and hopes he will come back and tell her that the whole thing is a joke. Adam holds a yard sale at the apartment to get rid of all of his things. Audrey finally breaks down and cries because Adam is leaving but feels better when Ellen gives her a Cardigan sweater and pair of shoes that she is selling. Ellen tries to talk to Adam about how much he will miss his old friends, he quickly changes the subject. Ellen throws a going-away party at Buy the Book, and Audrey brings a date who she refers to as Transition Guy (Jay Johnston). Adam says his goodbyes to everyone but doesn’t seem to have anything to say to Ellen. However, before he leaves, he gives Ellen a hug and apologizes for not saying much to her, then tells her that he’s in love with her. He makes a hasty departure, but then returns and says there has been a change to his schedule, and he won’t be leaving for another week. Things are awkward when Adam has to stay over at Ellen’s place since his apartment is already rented to a guy named Tad (Jamie Kennedy). Ellen tells Paige that things are tense, especially since she doesn’t feel the same way about him. Ellen throws another farewell party for Adam before he leaves, and this time Audrey brings Rebound Man, before she ultimately will settle on Mr. Fulfillment. Ellen feels funny about letting Adam leave with this ‘love’ thing hanging over their heads. Paige says she should just tell him that she loves him too. When his car arrives to pick him up, Ellen gives him a hug and tells him that she loves him too. After everyone leaves the party, they find Adam in the hall, and he tells them that his plans have been delayed by one more day. Ellen invites him back in but tries to clarify that when she told him that she loved him, it was meant to be as a friend. Adam takes it as a mercy ‘I love you’ and tells her not to do him any favors. He storms out and tells her that she won’t see him for a very long time, but he has to return to get his suitcase. Ellen follows him to the airport to tell him that she didn’t mean to hurt him, and that she realizes he is more than a friend that he is her ‘Adam’. He says that his words might not be correct either and that she is his ‘Adam’ too. As they hug goodbye, the flight gets delayed until midnight. K.T. Vogt is the junker woman who wants to buy the lamp radio. Shaun Toub is the foreign man who wants to buy the broken Shamu pencil sharpener. 3/4/24
• 041. Trick or Treat – Who Cares? – 11/1/1995
  • As Ellen prepares for Halloween, Spence struggles through filling out a clock radio warranty, as the questions about his income, job, and marital status make him realize what a slump he’s in. He tags along to work with Ellen, who tries to cheer him up throughout the day, even resorting to doing her dancing ‘spoon legs’ routine. Paige shows up as well, needing some quiet time to read through a giant stack of scripts for work. Ellen tries to offer to let him put up Halloween decorations, but Audrey intercepts and starts putting them up. A little girl (Rachel Duncan) asks Spence for the scary stories, so he tells her the story of his life. When Ellen offers to let Spence work at the store, he declines, but Audrey thinks that Ellen needs help, so she snaps up the job. She begins working even though Ellen never hired her, constantly alluding to the fact that she knows that Joe has sexual tension toward her. Ellen finds out that Audrey lost her aroma therapy job. That night as Spence is eating all of the Halloween candy, Ellen tries to practice on how she is going to fire Audrey… even though she was never actually hired. When Ellen runs out of candy, she starts handing out Slim Fast. She finally becomes fed up with Spence, tells him he is acting like a crybaby, tells Audrey that she’s fired, and heads out to climb up to the Hollywood sign and mope. Spence finds out from Paige that this is a likely place she would go and follows her there. Spence tells her that he has realized that he made a nicest, most easy-going woman upset with his behavior, so it is time that he pulls himself together and develop a plan of action. He decides to go to law school so that he can defer his school payments while he figures it all out. He and Ellen share a couple of candy wax bottles. The next day, Audrey still shows up at work, so Ellen makes it very clear that she is fired. However, when she sees Audrey make a final sale to the tune of $350 worth of books to the customer Mrs. Rodgers (Kate Williamson), Ellen decides to hire her temporarily for the holidays. Book club member Will winds up reading all of Paige’s scripts for her and gives her feedback on them. Ramon Choyce is the boy in the Johnnie Cochran lawyer costume. Jimmy Galeota is the boy in the George Clooney doctor costume. 7/17/24
• 042. She Ain’t Friendly, She’s My Mother – 11/8/1995
  • After jogging with Spence and Paige, Ellen receives a call from her mother who wants to meet her and talk to her in person. Ellen’s mind goes to all of the terrible things that this could mean. However, when they meet at the bookstore, Lois simply tells her that she has been going to therapy and has realized that all of the worrying she has done over the fact that Ellen hasn’t gotten married is unnecessary, and she now knows that Ellen doesn’t need a man to be happy. She also wants to become friends with Ellen and insists that Ellen start calling her ‘Lois’ rather than ‘Mom.’ They decide to go to the Hollywood Raquet Club to play pool. Ellen thinks that her mother is going to set her up like always, so when Lois runs into a client of her husband’s named Mike Lyons (Bruce Thomas), Ellen thinks it is another setup and comes on extremely strong to him. However, they all wind up embarrassed when Mike’s wife Katie (Mara Holguin) also shows up and finds Ellen all over him. Meanwhile, Paige stops by the bookstore to use Ellen’s computer to work on her screenplay but finds that Spence is using it to fill out his law school application. They try to do Rock, Paper, Scissors to decide, but when Spence doesn’t like the results, they move to who can open up a Wet Nap the quickest. Ellen agrees to play Bridge with her mother and her mother’s friends Cora (Doris Belack) and Eva (Beverly Garland). Although Ellen is happy that she can be herself around her mother for the first time, she starts to get uncomfortable when they start talking about sex with their husbands, especially when the conversation rolls around to Ellen’s father. However, Ellen decides to add to the conversation by talking about a time she spent the night with her boyfriend Bobby when she had told her mother that she was going to the aquarium. Lois doesn’t care to hear this, and without thinking, tells Ellen to go to her room and that she is grounded. After re-thinking the situation, Lois admits that she loves Ellen as a daughter and doesn’t think they can go to acting like friends. This is also a relief to Ellen, who is glad to go back to the typical mother-daughter relationship. However, Ellen is quick to request that her mother keeps up with the ‘not nagging’ part… and that she stay in therapy. Spence and Paige work their way to the Racquet Club to play pool to decide who gets to use Ellen’s computer. 7/17/24
• 043. Salad Days – 11/15/1995
  • Buy the Book hosts a book signing with author Martha Stewart (herself), where her friend Peter Barnes fawns all over her. Ellen and Martha then have a nice chat after the signing. Later while sitting at home with her friends eating pizza and drinking beer while watching a beauty contest on TV, Ellen notes how much they are behaving like slobs as they share elements of their pizza with each other. Ellen decides to throw a fancy jackets-required dinner party using Martha’s book as inspiration. She asks Audrey to stay and close up the store on the night of the party but tells her that she can come over afterward. Paige brings her gay assistant Barrett (Jack Plotnick), and he and Peter hit it off right away. Spence teases Paige about bringing her co-worker and tells her that his gorgeous actress girlfriend Denise (Stephanie Erb), who worships him, will be coming as his date. When Denise shows up, she is in full alien makeup from her appearance on Babylon 5, as she needs to return for some re-shoots after the party. Although Ellen is slightly distraught from this, it isn’t even close to how nervous she becomes when Joe shows up with Martha Stewart herself. Her stress level quickly rises into the stratosphere when she realizes that the Cornish hens that she has in the oven aren’t cooking because the oven isn’t working. She throws them into a trash bag and pretends she is taking out the garbage, and then starts knocking on neighbors’ doors to find a working stove. She comes across a bald guy with a ponytail who is rather annoyed that Ellen doesn’t know his name is Randy (Pat Millicano). However, once he finds out that Martha Stewart is in her apartment, he agrees to cook the hens for her. When Ellen returns, Martha is showing everyone how to make roses from radishes. Ellen then offers up the ‘cheese course’, comprised of individually wrapped slices of American Cheese. Ellen then has everyone socialize and continue to work on the radishes, until Randy finally bangs on her ceiling to let her know the hens are ready. When she goes to get them, he will not release them unless he gets a picture with Martha. Ellen retrieves Martha under the pretense of giving her a tour of the building and then takes their photo. Ellen returns with the hens and tells everyone she was doing the traditional ‘running of the hen’. She serves them up, tossing some of them from the kitchen to the guests, and then starts to prepare the dessert…which is a carton of ice cream frozen solid. Ellen finally breaks down and tells everyone that she can’t do things the way she sees Martha doing them. Martha tells Ellen to sit down and relax and that she will handle dinner, which she does by ordering pizzas for everyone. Soon they are all sitting around eating pizza and drinking beer like slobs again. Martha tells Ellen that she might include the ‘running of the hens’ in her next book. Audrey then shows up all dressed up for the party but quickly realizes that she is over-dressed. Ellen’s real life mother Betty DeGeneres appears as herself in the opening credits. 11/18/24
• 044. The Movie Show – 11/22/1995
  • As Spence struggles to put together a bookshelf from a Swedish company Rÿken with incredibly difficult instructions, Ellen heads out to have lunch with Paige. Ellen has trouble getting Paige to focus on her because she is on her phone headset talking to movie bigwigs about the latest film that she just found out that she’s going to help produce, The Long Engagement starring Meg Ryan and Carrie Fisher (herself). Ellen gets so annoyed with being ignored that she finally just leaves. Ellen goes home to talk to Spence about it while he is struggling with the bookshelf, but he tells her that this is the way the movie business is. Later, Paige stops by Buy the Book and tells Ellen that she has arranged for the movie to film at her bookstore, insisting to the other producers that they use her location. Ellen is thrilled by this, especially at the prospect of meeting Meg Ryan, whom she has been told she looks like. Unfortunately, on the day of shooting, Ellen finds out that Meg won’t be there, but Carrie Fisher will be acting as Gina with an actor playing Colin (Michael Maynard), who will be dumping her in the scene. Nigel (Michael Des Barres) the director thinks that there aren’t enough extras in the scene, so Paige offers for Ellen and Joe to be extras in the scene. The takes that include Ellen go from bad to worse, as she begins by looking at the camera, reacting to on-screen breakup, and trying to promote the bookstore with her coffee mug. Nigel and Paige move her around in the store, but she continues to disrupt the scene by slamming the door too loud, bumping into Joe, sneezing, and other annoying actions that prompt Carrie to walk out to get some fresh air. Ellen overhears Paige tell Nigel that she only chose this bookstore because it was the only option available. Paige takes her into one of the trailers to talk to her, and Ellen tells her that she is being treated just like another Hollywood phony. Carrie, as someone who often plays the ‘best friend’ in the movies, gives them some advice that she learned in Quest for Fire: to stick with the person from your tribe when you meet them. Paige apologizes for schmoozing Ellen, and promises to be direct, blunt, and tactless. As Ellen leaves the trailer, Carrie recommends that Ellen act as one of the extras in one of Meg Ryan’s scene. Spence returns his bookshelf to a customer service clerk (Matthew Sullivan) at Rÿken, but all that remains of it is a paper bag full of broken pieces. Michael Georgio is the dolly grip. 11/19/24

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