The Terrible Catsafterme

SEASON 1 – SHOWTIME

Created by Lisa Kudrow, Don Roos, Dan Bucatinsky

NOTE: This show is based on the web series “Web Therapy”, which consisted of 4 seasons of 67 episodes filmed between 2008-2014

Theme music composed by John Swihart

• 001. Click to Start – 7/19/2011
  • Philadelphia therapist Fiona Wallice (Lisa Kudrow) has left her practice at Lachman Brothers under undefined mysterious circumstances and has a conceived of a new practice of web therapy by which clients will video chat with her for just three minutes, so they can cut right to the chase rather than spending 50 minutes idly chatting. She first tests this out on her husband Kip (Victor Garber) who is sitting right next to her, and they simulate a session with him passively going through his litany of grievances about her controlling and needy tendencies and the fact that he’s been unhappy for 15 and a half years of their seventeen-year marriage as she blows through his money. She then chats with an old colleague from Lachman named Richard Pratt (Tim Bagley), with whom she is clearly interested… although she once had invited him to kiss her and when he tried, she referred to it as a ‘sex crime.’ Richard merely wants advice on his current girlfriend, and with that she closes the session for the week. She then chats with Gina Spinks (Jennifer Elise Cox), the ditsy receptionist at Lachman who helped put up her flyers in the breakroom, which led to Richard using her services. Fiona then returns to a session with Richard and in the midst of it, sends him a sexy picture. Richard is happy with his girlfriend but fears she is not taking her medication. Fiona inadvertently steers Richard toward proposing to his girlfriend. Later she chats with Kip who is upstairs about securing a start-up fee of $200,000 from Lachman, insinuating blackmail in her request. Finally she has a session with her former client Jerome Sokoloff (Dan Bucatinsky), who has recently turned to another therapist, thinking that Fiona doesn’t deal in incest. His issue is that he was going to propose to his girlfriend Hayley when he found out that she may have been conceived from a sperm donation from his father to one of her lesbian mothers. 12/27/18

• 002. Desperate Measures – 7/26/2011
  • Jerome brings his girlfriend Hayley Feldman-Tate (Rashida Jones) to his session with Fiona, and Hayley maintains they are not half-siblings, but rather Jerome just has a problem with committing. Fiona attempts to finagle having them sign a release form so that she can use their case as a promo of her modality of therapy to pitch to the Lachman Brothers as investors. Fiona gets Kamal Prakash (Maulik Pancholy), a tech support guy for her husband, to set up her computer to record sessions, accusing him of hitting on her when he clearly has no interest. During the next session with Jerome and Hayley, Fiona is told that Hayley sent a DNA sample to be tested and that she is not in fact related to Jerome, despite the sperm donor numbers matching. Fiona is absolutely furious, and after analyzing the true nature of the problems in their relationships gets them to agree to future sessions where they pretend that they never got the DNA test results. Fiona pitches her modality to Jeremy Lachman, but he never returns her call to set up an appointment. She talks to Kip about it, and he again refuses to fund her start-up, instead referring her to call her mother for money. Fiona talks to Richard, and he tells her that he was forced to call off his engagement after Fiona interrupted his proposal by inviting herself to the table, insulting his new fiancee, and then sticking gum in her hair. Richard also confesses that he is in love with Fiona and propositions her to meet him. She cryptically agrees to meet him and blushes at his dirty talk about his plans with her. 12/29/18
• 003. Shrink Rap – 8/2/2011
  • Fiona calls her mother Putsy Hodge (Lily Tomlin) to explain her modality of web therapy and to ask her to invest with some startup money, but her mother is largely unimpressed amidst delivering a litany of passive aggressive insults. Putsy claims the family fortune is dwindling and that she just gave Kip $100,000 when he requested because she believes he is a man of integrity. Fiona starts a session with a new client Ted Mitchell (Bob Balaban), who is curious about how her three-minute sessions work, but Fiona is reluctant to give any of her background or methods, and decides that she doesn’t like Ted and wants to drop him immediately. Ted then admits that he is actually there to assess her performance at the request on behalf of the Lachmans, and finds her completely unqualified. Fiona calls Gina, who is in Jeremy Lachman’s car watching Jersey Shore while he gets his waxing, and tries to talk her into intercepting the report that Ted is going to be sending, and to flag it and send it on to her.  Gina says that the report already showed up and that the Lachmans were laughing at it. Gina also mentions that she is now sleeping with Jeremy to keep her job, and that he is giving her periodic gifts. However she is running out of things to ask for, so she asks Fiona if she needs anything… causing Fiona’s eyes to light up. She later has another session with Ted which is much more lucrative, and her ‘word affiliation’ exercise leads to a breakthrough about him being molested by his nurse as a child, a topic he hasn’t ever discussed in seventeen years of therapy. He ends up giving the Lachmans a glowing recommendation of her, and in their next session, he looks for advice on how to handle his many famous clients… which again causes her to see an opportunity to pilfer some of his clients for her web therapy format. 12/18/19
• 004. Public Relations – 8/9/2011
  • Fiona has a session with Claire Dudek (Jane Lynch), who specializes in new product launches for Clark and Wescott, and has been ordered to go through therapy after slamming a paperweight into a subordinate’s fingers. Claire is hostile and seems to have no interest in the session, but agrees to fawn over the subordinate to help soften her, if Fiona will sign off and say she is making progress. During their next session, Claire is told that she is being put on probation and having her clients taken away so Claire destroys her office. Fiona offers to let Claire help her with her modality launch. Claire loses her temper and threatens to track Fiona down. Claire then finds Fiona by using the handle Honky Tonk Girl, and tells her that she copyrighted the phrase ‘web therapy’, and offers to take 70 percent to Fiona’s 30. However Fiona threatens to turn over the recorded session of Claire having a meltdown, so Claire is forced to accept 10 percent. Kip helps Fiona draw up a contract for Claire’s services, leaving a loophole for her to be able to fire Claire at will. Fiona has a session with Justin Fein (Drew Sherman) and his girlfriend Bryn (Patty Guggenheim), who is so busy with work that it is affecting their relationship, causing Justin to become jealous of the time she spends with her co-workers. Fiona gets Justin to admit that he is a screenwriter and contributes no money to the household. Fiona tells Justin that he is basically worthless so he should be happy to be with a professional who supports him… but then she finds out that Bryn is actually a porn star. 12/18/19
• 005. Shrinking & Growing – 8/16/2011
  • Fiona continues her session with Justin and Bryn, and finds out that Justin can’t bring Bryn home to meet his moms, referring to the fact that his family are fundamentalist Mormons so he has five mothers. She suggests that they have individual sessions to talk about his family, and the friction she has with some of her fellow porn stars. Jerome does a testimonial for Fiona, but he talks more about his girlfriend Hayley and the minutiae of his own life. Fiona and Kamal try to talk Gina into delivering a testimonial, but when she starts talking about breaking up with her boyfriend because he never wanted sex, Gina and Kamal wind up flirting the entire time. Later Fiona sees that she is suddenly getting swamped with appointments, although she has no idea why. She meets again with Justin and Bryn, but they show up together rather than separately. When Fiona mentions that she can’t find Bryn on Google, and when she mentions that she known how to use Google and then Google’s herself, a site comes up called Can You Believe This Is My Therapist?, which had been placed there by Justin and Bryn. They are actually internet sensations who poke fun at people, and Fiona was perfect fodder. Fiona is initially furious and litigious, until she realizes they are getting over 340,000 views, and then wants to add a link to her site. Later Kip sees Fiona looking through the many video messages she’s been getting, most of them inappropriate, and orders her to shut down the website. After he leaves, she meets with a woman named Robin Griner (Julie Claire) for a session, and claims that she might work out too often and might be too beautiful. They spend the entire session passively-aggressively putting each other down. Fiona tells her that she is very aggressive and obviously has a problem with other women. She then learns that Kip is her spin partner at the gym. 4/6/20
• 006. We’ve Got a Secret – 8/23/2011
  • Fiona has another session with Robin, and they taunt each other over whether Kip is actually interested in her. Robin tells her that Kip is taking her on a ‘business’ trip to sleep together, but Fiona warns her that Kip is impotent. Fiona speaks to Kamal from Kip’s office and he tells her that he’s seeing Gina, and also that he’s being asked questions by Lachman about Fiona’s budget, so therefore finds that it would be a conflict of interest to work for her… especially since she’s never paid him. While they are chatting, Fiona’s mother calls and tells her that she has good news and that she is going to spend her money on her offspring while she is still living. Fiona switches back to Kamal to tell him that she no longer needs him. Then she finds out that her mother plans to pour all of her money in their long-lost brother, a half-Vietnamese child she had before Fiona and her sister were born. She begins trying to get back in touch with Kamal. Later she chats with Robin, who is now loading up on carbs, looking sloppy, and crying uncontrollably. She tells Fiona that she went to Atlanta with Kip, and that he was unable to perform because he thought she was a transvestite male. Later when chatting with Jerome about his relationship with Hayley, Fiona finds out that he works for Visa, and has him check on Kip’s credit card charges, all of which indicate he has been spending heavily on homo-erotic items and places. Fiona finally gets hold of Kamal and tells him that she plans to pay him for some of his work, and then uses psychology to convince him that his life is empty and that he needs to be assertive and work for her. He talks his way into owning ten percent of the business and agrees to steal Kip’s financial information and give it to her. 4/7/20
• 007. Exposed! – 8/30/2011
  • Fiona gets nervous when Jerome tells her that he is under investigation by Visa’s internal affairs department. He remains assertive but allows himself to be guilt-tripped into going in to freeze Kip’s account, but before he can do that, he is dragged away by security. Kamal leaves his seventh video message demanding payment for the inside work he did with the Lachmans. He threatens to tell the Lachmans that Fiona’s budget is bogus. Fiona tries to infiltrate Kamal and his family by having Gina date him and meet his parents. However, when she does, they call her a ‘Western whore’ and send him off to India to marry his fiancé. Gina has also taken Russell the C.F.O. under her wing after he tried to commit suicide as the company is investigated and all of their hard drives become ripe for seizure. Fiona’s mother Putsy has brought her illegitimate son Tik Noc Minh into the house, and has taken to smoking copious amounts of pot. While Fiona is on the phone, she helplessly watches Tik take furniture and artwork out to his car. Putsy also admits that she bought a rubber band paper weight from him for $20,000. Tik agrees to go with Putsy to Philadelphia to meet Fiona and Kip. Later they chat about the visit, which did not go well because Tik tried to steal from Fiona and Kip and then held them at knifepoint. They also conducted a blood test and found out conclusively that Tik is not Putsy’s son. Putsy doesn’t believe this until, while again heavily under the influence of marijuana, is told by the truth by Kip. Putsy then passes out on camera. The charges from Visa are dropped against Jerome, but he is forced to get a new job. He chats with Fiona and delivers the complaints about the new job that Hayley is expressing. Fiona takes offense since she set him up with the new job… which is revealed to be working for her when he wanders into the range of her computer camera. 7/19/20
• 008. Psychic Analysis – 9/6/2011
  • Fiona tries to get Kip to help have her mother declared insane, but he refuses as he is dealing with too many issues of his own, which include Kamal being missing, someone having hacked into his computers, and his Visa being declined. Later she gets a call from famous psychic Serena Duvall (Courtney Cox) who hopes that Fiona can help her interpret her dreams in order to re-claim her psychic power that was often revealed to her via dreams. Serena tells Fiona her latest dream about a phony wall of ice, which seems to perfectly describe Fiona’s situation with Kip, during which he is portrayed as a pink unicorn who frequently goes out and rubs horns with other unicorns.  She also identifies that the girl in her dream had a pet pony named Spanglepants. Later Fiona agrees to chat with Robert Lachman (Steven Weber), who tells her about being under investigation by the S.E.C. and the fact that he is under house arrest. He wants to be able to tell the authorities that he is under Fiona’s care for having a ‘risk addiction’ akin to Evel Knievel. He tells her that there is something he can do for her if she agrees. Serena calls Fiona back and tells her that she interpreted her dream and identified the ‘phony wall of ice’ as her name Fiona Wallace. She also wants to find out if Fiona indeed had a pony named Spanglepants. When Serena mentions that she is about to be a guest on the TV talks show Tyra in an episode highlighting web professionals, Fiona gladly sends Serena a photo of her on her pony Spanglepants. Serena agrees to get Fiona on the show as well. The day after the talk show appearance, Fiona chats with Serena about the Tyra appearance, in which she was merely in the audience as a plant to show off Serena’s abilities by revealing the pony and her gay husband on the air. Fiona wound up cussing at Tyra about choices made on her other show America’s Next Top Model. Serena tells Fiona about another dream she has about a fat girl on a pony being chased by a black-robed figure. Fiona doesn’t believe in any of it, but her next call is from her mother who is trying out her Halloween costume: a devil in a black robe. She tells Fiona she is thinking about coming to live with her, but then tells her that she was just joking. Putsy also reveals that Fiona broke Spanglepants’ back from her weight. Putsy also tells Fiona that her sister is coming to live with her, and she plans to have no further contact with Fiona. 7/19/20
• 009. Whistle While You Work – 9/13/2011
  • Fiona chats with Jerome about an invoice sent from Kamal from India for 71,000 rupees, which converts to $1538. Jerome has been told to combine that with his own invoice and put them together to be paid for by the Wallices. Fiona however claims that the Wallices are no more, and that Kip has left her. Fiona also tells him that she is done with Gina, and to remove her if she shows off, and that he should break off communication with Kip. Fiona receives an expensive necklace and earring set from Robert Lachman, who is still under house arrest and becoming stir crazy, while be surrounded by reporters. He hopes that Fiona will claim to have been treating him for Addictive Risk Syndrome. As they flirt, Fiona offers to speak on his behalf to reporters, but neither of them can think how they would get around her violating a confidentiality clause. While talking, Agent Whitaker (Patrick Curran) who is overseeing his house arrest, warns him that he’s not allowed to be on the internet. Fiona tells Whitaker that she is treating him for Fiona Wallice Syndrome. Whitaker recognizes her name as being on the Lachman payroll and says he will have to depose her, causing her to quickly end the call. Fiona later chats with a now disheveled Robert Lachman and tells him that she can no longer treat him since she is planning on writing a book called Whistling While I Worked, alluding to the fact that she was the whistleblower on his violations. Lachman demands that she send the jewelry back, but she tells him that she sold the ‘anonymous’ jewelry that she had received. Fiona begins working on her book, starting by making up the accolades it has ‘received.’ 11/4/20
• 010. Strange Bedfellows – 9/20/2011
  • Fiona forces Jerome to write her biographical book for her, while she takes a mainly hands-off report, only giving him unverifiable stories that she stole from her former roommate. Jerome tries to supplement with his own childhood stories. He has pieced together a first draft that disappoints Fiona, and although she doesn’t want to contribute anything, she tells him that she wants the book completed the next day. Fiona begins seeing counseling multi-millionaire and media mogul Austen Clarke (Alan Cumming), one of Ted Mitchell’s former clients. His problem is that no women ever seem to take him seriously, but Fiona insists that he is a perfect man. He becomes so charmed by her that he starts booking multiple sessions back-to-back. As he becomes more and more enamored of her, she lays the seeds to have Austen publish her book, which she has dedicated to him. Later Fiona returns a call to Jerome, who has left multiple messages for her that Kip is looking for her. She calls from Austen’s plane as they head to Bali, and has put her on the cover of one of his magazines called Kingdom. Kip gets on the phone and tells Fiona that they need to talk. Although Austen is shocked that they’ve only been separated for a few days, he still thinks that he has won her over. However Kip tells him that he has been asked to run for congressman, which is a culmination of dreams that he and Fiona had always had. She confronts him about all of the transsexual materials that he has been buying. He lays some of the blame on gag gifts he bought for an associates bachelor party, and some on a disgruntled employee that is trying to smear her name. Kip thinks he’ll have more of a shot in congress if he is happily married, and even wants Austen’s endorsement. Although Austen tries to dissuade her, she decides to have the plane turned around and fly back home so she can get back with Kip. Austen is heartbroken, but Kip tells him not to worry, that he only needs her through the elections. 11/4/20

SEASON 2

• 011. Getting It Straight – 7/2/2012
  • Fiona and Kip, who are now physically back together, discuss Kip’s campaign strategy with Austen, who probes for private information about their sex life in the guise of preparing them for reporter questions. Fiona seems concerned that their ‘official’ history states that they have a pet named Scruffy when they really don’t. Austen tells Kip that his backers are advising that he visit the Compass Center down south for some therapy. Kip agrees, and starts packing right away, while Fiona and Austen flirt, and Fiona plans to come visit him in New York. He also tells her to speak to his assistant Maxine DeMaine (Rosie O’Donnell) about her book. She later speaks to Maxine, who tells her that that the book is terrible and that they’re passing, claiming that she in fact runs the company, while Austen is just the face out front. However once Fiona mentions that her husband is running for Congress, Maxine changes her tune and tells her that she was unaware of that, and that she will work on fixing the book, which Fiona has made pretty clear that she didn’t write it and it’s based on someone else’s life. Jerome scrambles to get Fiona packed for her trip to New York, since Fiona mixed up the departure time by twelve hours. While in New York, Fiona is called by Camilla Bowner (Meryl Streep) with the Compass Center, and makes it pretty clear that Kip is going through gay conversion… and not responding. She tells Fiona that he’s rather look at a photo of David Hasselhoff than a nude photo of Fiona. When Camilla tries to tell her to be more humorous and easy-going with Kip, Fiona responds angrily. Camilla ends the conversation by telling her that she will be recommending that Kip file for divorce from Fiona. 2/22/21
• 012. Blindsides and Backslides – 7/9/2012
  • Fiona has a phone call with Camilla and tells her that she’s like to come down to the Compass Center to see how Kip is progressing in his therapy. She also tells her that she has seen interviews with her handsome husband Trent, who has spoken out against gay marriage. Camilla denies the request, and makes it clear that she is using hands-on therapy to cure Kip, which translates that she is sleeping with him. Fiona also talks with Jerome, who has a video message from Maxine stating that after Jerome and Hayley came to New York and dropped off additional pages from Fiona’s biography, she now sees that Fiona is a wonderful person. Fiona is furious that Hayley has written about her own life and included it in the book, and Fiona forbids Jerome from seeing Maxine or even going to New York. Fiona then tries to speak to a client name Sandra Chase (Darice Murphy), but when she only cries and her image freezes, Fiona mutes her and goes to check the online progress of Kip’s conversion and finds that he’s halfway between gay and heterosexual. His campaign page also says that Psychologist Camilla Bowner is joining his campaign team. Maxine calls Fiona to tell her personally how much she likes the book additions, but Fiona can only talk about the fact that Austen is no longer taking her calls. Maxine tells her about Austen’s history of dumping beautiful women and sending them expensive gifts, none of which Fiona has received. Fiona tells Maxine that she’s taking her book elsewhere, and then calls Austen and tells him the same. Immediately Austen calls Maxine. Fiona makes arrangements for a romantic homecoming for Kip by telling Jerome to get the house prepared. She also tells him to restore the ‘stronger Fiona’ to the book and that she’s taking it to another publisher. Fiona talks to Camilla to tell her that they won’t need a divorce, because she’s called Trent over for a private session. She also explains how she had the house arranged for a romantic homecoming for Kip. Camilla assumes that Fiona seduces her husband, but it turns out she had arranged for Kip to be there to receive him. Fiona also used her security cameras to record their encounter. Fiona refuses to give her the tapes, but suggests that she lure her husband home, so she can resume the campaign trail with hers. 2/23/21
• 013. Campaign Reform – 7/16/2012
  • Fiona chats with Maxine and is surprised to see Maxine in a chipper mood, and it turns out that she had been hoping to be fired so that she could get a terrific severance package because of the guilt that Austen has for abandoning her for Fiona. Later Kip is packing for a campaign trip to Boston, and when Fiona goes up to help him pack, he rushes to pack up his wig and other strange items. Fiona chats with Jerome about her personal appearances reading for children, all while Fiona is trying to pick out a new hairstyle that will make her look like the wife of a head of state. Later she chats with Robin Griner, who apologizes for attempting to go after Kip. They get to talking, and Fiona talks about the turning point when she started to realize that Kip was gay. At the end of the conversation, Robin shows her that she was recording the whole conversation. Fiona has a video conference with Kip’s campaign manager Ben Tomlund (Michael McDonald), and proposes a documentarian for her and Kip, and she wants it to be Robin Griner. In fact Fiona insists that he hire her, and they butt heads a bit over the power struggle. Ben then runs by her Kips stands on various issues so that they are all delivering the same message, although in many cases – particularly immigration – they are on different pages. Finally, Ben tells her that her practice hasn’t been accredited, and then asks her to stop doing her therapy sessions. 6/19/21
• 014. Sister Act – 7/23/2012
  • Fiona works toward getting accredited, which will require her to spend fifteen hours with a psychiatrist, so she turns to her sister Shevaun Haig (Julia Louis-Dreyfus), who reluctantly agrees to help her if Fiona will take her mother for the next few months because she is driving Shevaun crazy. However, she insists that Fiona attend the actual sessions. Shevaun tries to convince Fiona that her childhood, and that her parents can’t stand her, as the two sisters pick at each other and try to belittle one another. Fiona chats with Gina, who is trying to get a new job, but keeps getting stymied by potential employers who keep asking her questions about SEC investigation, and Fiona tries to insist that she not talk about it. Thirteen sessions in with her sister, Fiona is a hard shell and won’t succumb to breaking down after she brings up all of the defeats that she has suffered. Shevaun then brings out th big gun, and tells Fiona that when her parents separated, neither of them wanted Fiona, and her father only ended up with her after losing a game of rock-paper-scissors. Shevaun pronounces her ‘unflappable’, but the when she mentions that Fiona’s red jacket looks like their mother. She then realizes that she has been wearing red all of the time since the parents were divorced. This causes her to relegate herself to bed in tears, where she orders Jerome to dispose all of her red clothing. She fights through her breakdown, but then realizes that this is all Shevaun trying to project onto her, so she vows revenge. During her next conversation with Fiona, Shevaun signs her form to get her accredited as a legal therapist. After she faxes off the signed forms to Fiona, she is told by Shevaun that she came to see their mother and was able to get her to sign over her power of attorney. She also tells Shevaun that she and her family now need to move out of their mother’s house. 6/19/21 
• 015. National Exposure – 7/30/2012
  • Fiona chats with Ben and tells her how irritated she is that he went directly to Austen to postpone her book until after the campaign. She also asks him to set up some interviews for her to do from home. She winds up with a journalist named Kirsten Noble (Molly Shannon) who she thinks is from InStyle. She asks Fiona a series of odd and invasive questions that seemingly have nothing to do with the campaign. Fiona then learns that she has an independent blog and doesn’t work for any publication. Kirsten then proceeds to tell her about her sexual fantasies, and then admits that the tape recording wasn’t working, so she asks Fiona if she can interview her again. Fiona naturally blows her off. Fiona later chats with Richard after she gets him a job, but Richard just keeps sending her photos of himself and flirts with her, much to Fiona’s delight. Fiona accepts a call from a new patient named Allegra Favreau (Minnie Driver), who goes on and on about her fame, even though Fiona has never heard of her. Fiona looks up her filmography and sees the series of TV movies to her credit. It turns out Allegra doesn’t need therapy after all, but rather found Fiona’s manuscript on a plane and fell in love with her character. She wants to option her book for a TV movie and wants to play Fiona herself. During the conversation, Allegra keeps trying to imitate Fiona, much to her irritation. Fiona agrees to negotiate a deal with her. The camera also captures a furious Fiona freaking out on Kip when another sex toy arrives in the mail. As they are fighting, a computer alert informs her that Kirsten has published a piece on her, but it a fantasy fiction called “Is Fiona Wallice a Part-Time Lesbo?” on her blog Neuroticornucopia. Fiona confronts Kirsten about it, but Kirsten refuses to do anything about it, but hints that there may be more fantasies coming. Fiona calls Austen to tell him about the interest in the book that he is postponing. Kip is also on the jet and listening in, and tells Fiona that she can’t have the jet until the weekend when she is schedule to speak to Amish and Mennonite groups. Fiona also complains about Ben, whom Kip seems enamored by. Austen says he will speak to Ben, while Kip is tickled by a funny picture that Ben sent him. 11/7/21
• 016. Adaptation – 8/6/2012
  • Fiona chats with Kirsten Noble, who apologizes to Fiona for letting things get out of hand on her website with her sexual fan fiction involving Fiona. Kirsten’s lawyer advised her that she went too far, so she has toned down the work. Fiona seems to forgive her and even agrees to be interviewed on her video blog, but when she mentions that she’s had trouble getting on and asks Kirsten to get on and walk her through it, Kirsten finds that her site is down. Austen has done Fiona a favor and purchased Blogspot, and taken Kirsten’s down, leaving behind a furious, screaming Kirsten… whom Fiona has muted. Fiona then chats with Allegra, who tries to get personal information out of Fiona, mostly in personal realm of her sexless marriage with Kip, and information she got from Fiona’s sister about she had a plagiarism scandal in college and had an affair with her professor. Allegra also keeps trying to imitate Fiona’s mannerisms. Fiona finally agrees to come visit her in Los Angeles to help get an in-person feel for her. Jerome gets plane tickets for Fiona, as well as one for Hayley, who is a huge fan of Allegra and her childhood role on the TV show Prairie Days. He has also bought Hayley a surprise vintage doll of Allegra’s character Baby Dove Hatching and wants Fiona to slip it in Hayley’s carry-on before they board the plane. After mulling it over, Fiona agrees to do it. After the Los Angeles trip, Gina chats with Fiona about Austen finding her a job. Although there are plenty of jobs in Los Angeles available, Fiona steers her toward a job as a cannery in Nome, Alaska. Gina has no interest in that job, until Fiona mentions that she’s the only woman at the cannery… or in town. Later Fiona talks to a sullen Allegra about the damage done during the L.A. trip, starting with the fact that Hayley was arrested for carrying on a pair of cuticle scissors. Allegra is furious because Fiona allowed Allegra to get drunk at the head of the Lifetime Channel president. She winds up making a spectacle of herself, and is filmed by everyone, thus ending her career in Hollywood. Fiona, however, has worked it out with Lifetime to still film the book with another actress. 11/15/21
• 017. Infanticipation – 8/13/2012
  • Jerome lets Fiona know that he and Hayley have decided to have a baby, but Fiona is confused when he brings in another pregnant girl named Tammy Hines (Selma Blair), who turns out to be a surrogate who is carrying triples for Jerome and Hayley. Jerome has provided the sperm and they have purchased the egg. Fiona takes an instant disliking to Tammy because she is childish, annoying, and demanding, and is also irritated that the babies will inconvenience her and cause Jerome to be less available. Fiona demands that she is able to meet with Jerome and Hayley without Tammy present. Meanwhile. Fiona gets into a heated conversation with Ben when she tells him that Robin Griner will have all access to the campaign, since she is blackmailing them to go public with Kip’s homosexuality. It also starts to become clear that Ben’s relationship with Kip is questionable and might be passing the threshold of homosexuality as well. Ben doesn’t take kindly to the insinuations and quits the campaign, telling Fiona that she is too hard to deal with, especially after Fiona makes a citizen’s arrest on a female child for overeating. Kip then calls Fiona to ask her what she did to make Ben quit, but Fiona is more interested in Kip undoing the damage that the hairdresser did to his hair. Fiona attempts to speak to Jerome again, but instead of Hayley being with him, Tammy is with him again. Jerome starts insinuating that he wants to take the same track as an expectant mother, and will need more money to care for Fiona’s every whim, and then to take care of the baby. Fiona then talks to Ben again, who has returned to the campaign. Although he claims, he had never been physical with Kip before, he alludes to the fact that now they have been… and that they are finding the commonalities between them. Fiona is disgusted, but now claims that she will need to be the boss on the campaign trail, and that they need to be careful about how they behave around Robin. 4/28/22
• 018. Man Cave-Man – 8/20/2012
  • Fiona keeps getting calls from a man named Newell L. Miller (David Schwimmer) who insinuates that Fiona should know him from the past. However, he melts down in tears or curse words before he can get a full thought out, leaving Fiona quite confused. She also gets a call from a man named Patrick Fitzpatrick, who is actually talk show host Conan O’Brian (himself) and calling under a pseudonym. Fiona has no idea who he is, but Conan wants to talk about an anger management problem that is plaguing him. Jerome has to interrupt their session because Fiona’s neighbor wants to cut down her tree with a chainsaw because it has too much sap. Jerome also is thrilled to see Conan on her computer, even though Conan is upset that his confidentiality is invaded by Jerome seeing him. He also makes it clear that he doesn’t want Fiona recording their sessions. Gina calls and leaves a video message for Fiona just checking in from Nome, Alaska where she is freezing but happy. When she chats again with Conan, he lets her know that he has found out the source of his anger: his who sidekick Andy Richter is getting many of the laughs, while not laughing at Conan’s jokes. Conan also tells Fiona that he sent members of his band to threaten the neighbor who tried to cut down the tree, and now the neighbor is moving. He wants Fiona to reciprocate by calling Andy directly, and tell him that the ratings of the show are going downhill because Andy doesn’t set Conan up for the jokes. When Fiona refuses to do so, Conan makes a veiled threat that Fiona needs to reciprocate his favor to her. 4/29/22
• 019. The Insanity Offense – 8/27/2012
  • Tammy calls Fiona on Austen’s plane, where Fiona is beyond annoyed to see Tammy in her office eating friend chicken at her desk. Tammy wants Fiona to give Jerome a raise so that he can provide her with more money. She then proceeds to tell Fiona that she will leave with the babies she is carrying in utero if she doesn’t get more money… then tells Fiona that the babies aren’t even Jerome’s, but that Haley had not wanted to use his sperm. Fiona then threatens a lawsuit, and accuses Tammy of just being a fat girl perpetrating a scam. To prove her wrong, Tammy removes her fake pregnant stomach and then proceeds to steal Fiona’s things. Jerome returns in the middle of this and learns the truth from Fiona. Putsy then calls Fiona looking for Kip, because he had her declared competent at the insane asylum, and now she wants Kip to reverse that and declare her legally insane again in order to get her out of trouble. Putsy has created a sock puppet named Putsy Petitie and used it to steal other patients’ medication while she entertains them, then sells the pills for profit. Worse yet, she believes she has forced her roommate Mabel to take some of the pills and has killed her. Fiona advises her not to mention the drugs to anyone. Fiona also realizes that Putsy is wearing a fake, plastic butt. Conan O’Brien calls and tells Fiona to look out the window, where he has men cutting down her 300-year old tree. Fiona then tells Conan that the tree landed on her assistant Jerome, and Conan starts to panic, especially when Fiona says she is recording their conversation. Fiona gets him to agree to put up a new tree without sap, and to also have her as a guest on his show so she can promote her Web Therapy. Fiona takes money from petty cash to hire a crew to clean Austen’s plane, but then has Jerome do all of the work. Fiona’s stalker Newell calls her again, this time from outside of her house. Fiona is on Austen’s plane but demands that he leave. He begins looking for a spare key so that he can give her flowers he bought, and winds up screaming and demanding that she let him in. He creates such a commotion that he hears police sirens on the way. 8/28/22
• 020. Stalk Therapy – 9/2/2012
  • Fiona calls Kip to let him know that she has added security due to her stalker Newell. Although Kip claims he is alone, another man clearly hands him a martini. Fiona catches Jerome speaking to her mother in order to get stories and photos from Fiona’s childhood for her book. Pusty is dressed in an orange jail jumpsuit, has a teardrop tattoo, and is wearing her hair in corn rows preparing for prison life following the ‘murder’ of her roommate. Gina calls to tell Fiona that she has been promoted to a management trainee and will be stationed in London, after a visit from Austen during which he slipped on a frozen fish and received mouth-to-tongue resuscitation from Gina. Richard calls Fiona, and when he mentions that he’s going to a Carrie Underwood benefit for Kip’s campaign. Richard also tells her that he’s really struggling with being in love with a co-worker, a tall blonde woman with a great smile and infectious laugh. Fiona clearly thinks he is referring to her, but it turns out he is falling for Robin Griner. Fiona talks to her mother again, and things seemed to be cleared up with the murder charges, as apparently there was a suicide note from Mabel. In addition, no one is asking about the drug trafficking. However, Putsy has recorded Fiona telling her mother that she is the only one who knows what happened and advising her to lie to the authorities. She also tells Fiona that she is starting her own service known as ‘Net Therapy’, offering four-minute sessions in which she will treat folks with her puppet. To add insult to injury, Jerome is in Boston at the asylum to help Putsy with her endeavor at the request of Kip. Fiona finally gets the full story from Newell: she had an affair with Newell’s father, her Professor of Ethics at Penn State. Newell witnessed the bizarre 45-minute sexual encounter, which led to his mother leaving his father and then going into a mental institution. Newell’s father then had a whole other family and won’t return Newell’s causes. Furthermore, Newell gauges all sexual encounters on the one he witnessed and wants all women to wear a backpack during sex and imitate Al Pacino from Scent of a Woman. Newell insists the only way to get past it is to re-live it with Fiona just the way he witnessed. Fiona assures him that it will not be happening, but Newell insists that it will. 8/28/22
• 021. Electile Dysfunction – 9/9/2012
  • Fiona chats with Newell, who seems more grounded and more drugged after being referred by Fiona to her sister Shevaun. Newell is quickly becoming attracted to her and Fiona encourages it. She also leads him to believe that it was actually Shevaun who had the affair with his father. Richard and Robin, who are now a couple as Robin rebounds from Kip after realizing he is gay, call Fiona and both Fiona and Richard try to deny that Kip is gay. Robin tells them that she had set up cameras when he was with the transsexual and has the video to prove it. She refuses to turn them over when they both ask her for them, and also claims that Richard is in love with Fiona and has her photo as his screen saver. Fiona fires Robin, who threatens to release the tape if Fiona wants to go down that road. She also breaks it off with Richard, which leaves him crying but thankful that he was able to quit her like a bad drug. Soon the announcement, and an accompanying online remix of Kip dropping out of the race when Robin does in fact release the tapes are in the news. Later, Fiona chats with Haley, who apologizes for throwing a coin tray at Fiona after Fiona had filled her flight bag with sharp, metal objects before she boarded a plane, causing her to be delayed. Jerome joins Hayley on screen and tells her that the two of them got with Maxine, who hooked them up with a girl named Stacy at Lifetime, and they managed to salvage Fiona’s biographical film. The film has been re-titled Whistlin‘, Hayley is now the writer, and it is now a musical. Jerome also tells Fiona that Heyley will be spearheading the project, and Jerome will now be working for Fiona’s mother, who now refers to herself as Dr. Hodge. Hayley is also working with Stacy on another project called My Husband, Her Slave, based on Jerome’s journals about Fiona. Kip calls from upstairs and tells Fiona that in the aftermath of his career nosedive, he will be going to New Mexico with Ben to spend time away from Fiona. She then calls Austen and tells him that they can finally move forward with their plans to live together in New York since Kip is moving to New Mexico. However, Gina then appears on the plane with Austen, announcing that she is pregnant. 12/15/22
• 000. Royally F’d – UNAIRED
  • Fiona blows off a call from Gina, who wants her to prescribe her some Penicillin. Fiona then gets her first international client Gemma Pankhurst-Jones (Natasha Bedingfield), a proxy for the Royals in England. Her issue is that she just got married and they haven’t consummated the marriage. Fiona assumes that the groom must be gay, so she suggests that Gemma paint a mustache and some stubble on her face. Gina calls for Fiona, and Jerome answers. He recognizes her as the girl he lost his virginity to nearly eight years ago. Gina asks to meet up with him, but he tells her that he is married… so she offers a three-way. Fiona gets a return call from Gemma, who tells her that her advice didn’t work. Fiona deduces he must not be gay, and wonders if he is having an affair. Gemma then tells Fiona that she just found out that she’s pregnant with a lover’s baby. Gemma had planned to tell her husband that the baby is her husband’s baby, but since they haven’t sex, the plan obviously will not work. Fiona advises to get him drunk, and then have sex with him, but she doesn’t like the idea. Fiona wants to take the jet and go to see Gemma, thinking that she might be the granddaughter-in-law of the Queen. Fiona then chats with Austen and tells him about her Royal Family connection and all of the scandal. She believes that Gemma is acting as proxy for Duchess Catherine with all of ther issues, and Austen wants to use the information to do a magazine feature or to hold it over their heads so they might make him a Lord. When Fiona speaks to Gemma again, Gemma tells her about all of the scandal currently going on as a result of a news leak indicating that Catherine is having an affair. Gemma then realizes that it was Fiona who was the leak, and thinks she needs to quit her job. Fiona then starts wandering if it is a Royal, or perhaps Elton John, who is the father of her child. NOTE: This episode was never aired but appeared on the Season 2 DVD. 11/8/21

SEASON 3

• 022. Relax, Reboot, Revenge – 7/23/2013
  • After her stressful previous events, Fiona has retreated for some rest and relaxation in Laguna Beach and is purposely ignoring Austen. She has had a fling with a guy named Jackson Pickett (Steve Carell), and although they are sitting next to each other poolside, they still chat on Skype. Fiona is all about his flirtation, but things start to take a turn when he tells her he loves her after one night together. She then pulls away and tells him that it is over, but he tells her they’re not done. Fiona then chats with Jerome, who is working for her mother at NETtherapy, and is answering a barrage of calls for the company as he chats. He tells Fiona that Hayley is still working on the musical and that they’ve engaged songwriter Franny Marshall (Megan Mullally) to write the music. Fiona gets annoyed when Jerome that she was the inspiration for NETtherapy, whereas she insists that it was plagiarism. She begins yelling at him for working for her mother, but he is too busy taking a call from Google, who are offering seven figures for the company. Fiona finally takes a call from Austen after several months, and he tells her that he is going to marry Gina in order to make the baby legitimate. However, he says it won’t affect his relationship with Fiona. He says he bought her an apartment in New York and plans to divorce Gina after the baby comes. Gina wanders into the room drinking her mocktails and highly disturbed by everyone’s accent in “Scotchland”. Gina is completely on board with having the baby and giving it to Austen, then accepting $75,000 as part of the pre-nup. Franny then calls Fiona to get a look at her as the subject of her musical. Fiona learns that her character is now a villain, and that the title of the musical has been changed to Fiona! (Whistlin’). Franny is also under the impression that Fiona isn’t licensed as a therapist. She sings Fiona some snippets of the songs which infers that Fiona was a fat child who spent a lonely adulthood. While they are chatting, Franny gets the inspiration to write a song about how Fiona is ‘so blue’ even though blue is definitely not her color. Fiona looks down at her blue blouse. 12/17/22
• 023. Who Doesn’t Love Musicals? – 7/30/2013
  • Fiona works independently to write new lyrics for the Fiona musical. Later she calls Jackson to inquire about the Rolex watch that went missing when they were together. Jackson is convinced that she is only calling because she is in love with him, which she assures him is not the reason. However, after they go round and round on the call, she hangs up… only to find the watch sitting on her desk. She realizes that she never took it with her. Kip calls Fiona from Ben’s house in Albuquerque to make sure that she won’t be using the Fire Island beach house for the weekend since he and Ben are going to use it. Ben gets involved in the conversation. Fiona gets into an argument on gun control with Ben and prods Kip about his involvement with politics and the NRA. Ben also tells Fiona that might be getting a phone call from an attorney to inquire about a hair and makeup account she opened for the campaign. Ben tells Kip he can’t be involved in the inquiry because he wants to make sure Kip and Fiona have a clean break between them, since Ben wants to see them get a divorce. Fiona calls Richard to see if he still has any of the campaign finance records, but he claims that he no longer has any of the record, as Ben had him shred them all. He seems nervous that the computer he handed over to Ben had porn on it. He also seems nervous about talking to Fiona and later confides in her that he has gotten married. He tells her that they should not speak any more, but when his wife calls him from the other room, he is hesitant to hang up, instead opting to flirt with her one last time. When he can’t seem to hang up, she does it for them. Jerome calls Fiona and tells her that he has had an epiphany and now wants to come back and work for her. This makes sense since Fiona had Austen buy his mother’s company NETtherapy and plans to shelve it. Since he is now out of a job, he is willing to work for less money and worse conditions for Fiona. She directs him to not only steal her mother’s client list, but some of the items in her den. Fiona calls Franny after a night of drinking together and convinces her that the songs that she wrote were written by Franny, including updated songs for the musical that serve to speak positively about Fiona. When Franny realizes what a talent she is after writing 17 or 18 songs in one night and has a change of heart about writing such hateful things. She is now excited to present the new songs to Hayley. 5/30/23
• 024. Believe It or Not – 8/6/2013
  • After Franny presents the songs to Hayley, she fires and attacks her physically, and this leads to Hayley losing all of her investors for the show. Feeling depressed, Franny heads to Yogurtland and runs into Lady Gaga, who hears Franny humming Extraordinary Woman, one of the many tracks that Fiona actually wrote. She winds up hiring Franny to write her songs for her exclusively and gives her contact to Beyonce as well. Fiona is disheartened since it was actually her who wrote the songs but told Franny that they were hers. Jerome calls Fiona from her New York penthouse, where Hayley has been staying without Fiona’s permission. Jerome tells Fiona that they now have a new investor for the musical, who turns out to be Jackson Pickett and who she finds out is the head of the self-help company Quorum, which Fiona sees as a cult. Jackson suggests that she connects to a machine and undergo a process called Soul Sweep, which divulges the truths within her. Fiona thinks that Jackson is insane and tells him to go ahead with the musical but to change the name. However, Jackson tells her that he will be talking to Austen Clarke who may want to invest as well. Fiona later talks to someone from the Department of Justice and claims that she had never received any calls from them with their inquiries. Fiona then calls Robin Griner who says she’d like to see the footage of Kip that she’s using in the documentary that she’s creating. Robin tells her that she knows that there must be some ulterior motive, and she admits that she thinks that it is Ben trying to set her up and is hoping there might be some footage she can use against him. Robin agrees to give her the footage, but in turn she wants to get invited to an event that Austen is hosting for Kenneth Branagh. When Robin stands up, Fiona sees that she’s pregnant. She tells Fiona that she actually had married Richard Pratt and that is probably the father of the baby. Fiona calls Jackson again and agrees to going through the Soul Sweep procedure. She has received the equipment by mail, and Jackson shows her how to attach it using his own model. His is a newer model and gives the person a shock when they lie. Jackson begins by asking Fiona some questions and she passes them with flying colors. When he offers to let her ask him some questions, she uncovers the fact that he was once a time-share salesman, who thinks that all of his customers are schmucks who he is trying to swindle, and that he tries to sleep with all of the beautiful ones he encounters. She then tells him that she is broadcasting the session to all of his clients. He tells her that she is a horrible woman, to which he is finally telling the truth. 5/31/23
• 025. Case Files – 8/13/2013
  • Fiona talks to a very pregnant, drinking Gina, who is on a plane reluctantly heading to Paris to shop, and she tells Fiona that she no longer wants her wedding in Scotland, but at Caesar’s Palace in Las Vegas because she likes their salads. Fiona doesn’t think that Austen will agree to it, but Gina says the wedding will be off if he does not. Gina gets a call from a federal lawyer who wants to question her about misconduct under the Federal Campaign Contributions Act. She claims that she is being cooperative even though they’ve tries to reach her multiple times. Fiona calls Kip, who only answers because Ben is out of the room and won’t normally allow him to speak to her. Fiona doesn’t have the passwords to the accounts that she is being questioned about, and Kip has written them on a piece of paper that was shipped to the house. Ben comes into the room and tells Fiona that she should be receiving the divorce decree soon. Fiona thinks that Ben is setting her up, but Kip claims that he has a heart of gold. Fiona talks to Jerome is in her New York apartment because Hailey has been staying there, supposedly to help get packages and do work around the apartment. Jerome tells Fiona that he found rubber sheets on the bed but doesn’t think that Hailey would have put them there. Fiona asks about the box of campaign materials that was shipped to her Philadelphia home, and Jerome says that Hailey sold them all in a yard sale. Fiona demands that he track down the buyer. He then thinks that someone is coming to the door as her hears shouts of “I’m coming” from the other room. Jerome is able to find Kip’s briefcase on eBay, which he plans to snipe. However, Fiona starts talking to him about a fly in the room and he misses out on sniping the item. The auction winner is Karen4Kip, whose actual name is Karen Sharpe (Meg Ryan). Fiona tracks her down and calls her. She is thrilled to get the call because she is a huge fan of Kip and collects his memorabilia. Fiona tries to get her to sell the briefcase, but she refuses to let it go. Karen wants to know what kind of a lover Kip is, and says she is saving herself for him. Fiona tells her that Kip used to either close his eyes or put a cloth over her head when they made love, and Karen wants to know if she can get the cloth. Fiona offers her a pair of Kip’s running shorts and wants to delivery them in person the next day, and Karen agrees. 10/1/23
• 026. Stage Struck – 8/20/2013
  • Fiona chats with Jerome from Karen’s home, where she is scrounging through Karen’s Kip Wallace memorabilia. Karen has disappeared from the room and calls her separately from her own bedroom, which is also filled with Kip memorabilia. She is panicking as she hears Fiona moving things, and it is clear she is suffering from both OCD and hoarding. Although thankful for the memorabilia that Fiona brought her, she desperately wants her to leave. Fiona convinces her that there is a surprise puzzle hidden inside the briefcase, so Karen is able to find the briefcase in her room, pull out a piece of paper, and read Fiona the strange words written on it. Believing these are the bank account passwords, Fiona writes them down. Karen finds letters inside the briefcase that she believes are written by Fiona but are actually written by Ben. Karen also tells Fiona that she has her diary that she obtained by dumpster diving and then taping the shredded page back together. It is actually Ben’s diary and outlines his plan for getting rid of Fiona. Fiona also gets a call from Robin, who has given her the footage she took of Kip. Fiona and Robin talk about an event that Fiona sponsored and Robin attended, to which Robin brought a date named Tyrone, who was wearing high-definition cameras on his glasses. He had recorded Austen making confessions about his business practices that Parliament is current investigating in England. Robin plans to take the footage and give it to the investigation. Fiona immediately calls Richard to try to get him to call off his wife. Richard admits that Robin is actually not a nice woman and that she always gets what she wants. He tells her about some of the horrible things Robin has done but admits that he is loyal to her because she got him a job in the pharmaceutical industry. The more he talks about the job, Fiona realizes that the job is with Russian drug overlords. She also realizes that an FBI agent is investigating Richard and the operation. Richard also isn’t 100% sure that the baby is his, since Robin had possibly been with Tyrone once. However, he thinks the ultrasound image of the baby looks like him. Karen calls Fiona and is furious because Fiona had given her cauliflower soup that put her in a coma for a day and a half. While she was out, Fiona had her entire house cleaned out of all of the hoarded material and has had it burned. She also had the house cleaned up and had her makeup artists give Karen a makeover. Although angry, she also expresses some appreciation as she found a bathroom that she didn’t know that she had. Karen is also now talking to men online and has made a date to go out with one of them. Fiona suggests that she go out and see a romantic comedy with Tom Hanks in order to see how normal people live. Fiona calls Richard while he is in the drug warehouse and advises him that there are going to be visitors and that he will be alright as long as he yells out “Jakamo!” The police indeed raid the building and throw him down, despite the Jakamo pleas. 10/1/23
• 027. Love Stories – 8/27/2013
  • Fiona gets a panicky call from Richard, who lets her know that this might be the last time he talks to her since the Russian mob is now after him and he and Robin will be entering the Witness Protection Program in Montana. Robin comes into the room and accuses Fiona of ratting them out for her own benefit, as she will now longer be able to use any of her information against Austin. Fiona then has an appointment with web influencers Augie Sayles (Darren Criss) and Blair Yellin (Mae Whitman), a couple who have been dating for two years, but only by Skype from their respective homes in two different states. They are planning on meeting soon and wanted Fiona’s take on the situation, especially since Jerome had put an ad for Fiona’s services on Groupon for six sessions for ten dollars. Fiona has a hard time relating to their relationship, especially when it comes to how they have apparently satisfying sexual encounters without being in the same room. They tell her about their website LDL411 – meaning the scoop on their long-distance loving – and Fiona offers to let them use her video recordings of their sessions if they will link to her website so she can get her share of their 98,000 followers. Fiona touches base with Kip, who tells her that things are tense at the house with Ben since the AUSA has found his journals that he had once shredded and have put them back together and discovered the improprieties of his use of campaign funds. Although they act as if he did nothing wrong and that it is no big deal, it is clear they are bracing for Ben going to jail. Fiona speaks to Augie and Blair again, but this time Blair is not happy that Augie is getting harder and harder to reach. He is also becoming more interested in their rising numbers of followers as they are asking for opinions on whether they should meet or not. Since Fiona’s followers are going up as well, she doesn’t want them to meet, as that might mean they no longer require her services, so she pleads with them to stay apart. Fiona is able to talk them into reconnecting and finding the romance again and plans to see them next session. 1/31/24
• 028. Games People Play – 9/3/2013
  • Fiona speaks to a new client named Nick Jericho (Matt LeBlanc) to whom she has a clear attraction. He tells her that he makes six or seven million dollars a year selling online car parts, but that his fifth wife is angry at him because he has become addicted to online gambling. Fiona tries to put the blame on his wife and tells Nick that he can do as he pleases. She also blames her for his losing streak and suggests that he doesn’t play as well because he is nervous about what she will say. He plays some hands of poker while talking to Fiona and wins $60,000. Fiona suggests that she will be his good luck charm if he gives her ten percent of his winnings. He will only agree to one percent and asks her to call that evening during the online World Series of Poker. Fiona later talks to Augie and is surprised to learn that Blair is now with him physically. However, she is annoying so bad that he can hardly take it and he desperately wants things to go back to the way they were. She suggests that they can achieve this if Augie goes in the closet while Blair stays in the living area of the studio apartment. They Skype each other from their locations, and suddenly the romance and sexual chemistry is back. Fiona begins playing in the World Series of Poker herself and doesn’t get on a call with Nick. Jerome calls her while she is playing and tells her some of his concerns and issues with trust regarding Hayley, telling Fiona that he needs a friend to talk to. She is too involved in winning at Poker to give him any time. When she later talks to Nick, he is livid that she didn’t show up because he lost over a hundred thousand dollars. He also reveals that he is in the mob and plans to find the person who took all of his money, which turns out to be her playing under the name “F in Philly” She assures him that the player will be back in the next game and that he will win his money back. When he tells her that he can track anyone down, she gets off the computer quickly. Fiona takes a call from a lady named Sylvie Frank (Sara Gilbert) who wants to talk about a man she’s been obsessing over to the point of stalking. When she mentions that he has now become her supervisor at work, Fiona suggests that she file a sexual harassment suit. She also finds out that Sylvie works in product placement and tries to convince Sylvie that she could use products while talking to clients and sell the clients on using them. Sylvie thinks it is highly unethical, and even more so when Fiona sends her list of clients to her. Fiona gets a Skype video message from a lady named Chris Endicott (Chelsea Handler) who acts as if she knows Fiona, but Fiona claims not to know her and refuses to call her back. 1/31/24
• 029. Husband Hunting – 9/10/2013
  • Chris Endicott calls again, and Fiona tells her that she doesn’t know who she is. She reveals herself to be the former Chris Palmer, her ex-husband who has had sexual reassignment surgery and is living in Houston. She reminisces with Fiona and tells her that she is now married to a guy named Fred Endicott, who doesn’t know that she was once a man. She then tells her that she just found out that Fiona is married to Kip, meaning that she has been paying alimony for a dozen years and now wants to reclaim a quarter of a million dollars. Fiona pretends that she is having technical difficulties and hangs up on her. Fiona later talks to Nick Jericho and accidentally lets it slip that she has been one of his rivals playing online poker. Even though she took him for a lot of money, he thinks that her con was fabulous and demands that she join him as his gambling partner. She tries to refuse since she is his therapist, so he fires her. While she is resisting, Nick is dragged away for an intervention. Fiona then talks to her mother Putsy, who is on Austin’s jet, following his purchase of Net Therapy. Austin has told her that he is looking forward to being a father, but she tells him how miserable parenting is. She also tells Fiona that she is on her way to Boston where she will do a puppet show as a eulogy for her late roommate Mabel, who she plans to have tied to balloons that will carry off her casket. Fiona then talks to Sylvie Frank, who tells her that she just recently closed a new lucrative deal, about which Fiona had given her the idea when she mentioned a mocktail product. Fiona is annoyed that she is cut out of the loop and isn’t going to receive any commission. Fiona tells her that she wants to be considered ‘consumer zero’ and then help spread the product. Sylvie has taken Fiona’s advice and is now ruthless in business and the man she has been stalking, admitting that she is now harnessing darkness. When Fiona presses getting a commission, Sylvie threatens to expose the fact that Fiona gave her the client list. Chris Endicott calls again and is willing to forgive the alimony payment payback if she will help her with a marital issue. Chris’s husband Fred had become suspicious that she was having an affair, which was true, and in the course of snooping into her past, found her first marriage folder that contained photos of Fiona and Kip. Since Fred doesn’t know that she used to be a man, he assumed that her ex-husband was Kip. Now she wants Fiona to arrange a meeting with Kip so that he can corroborate this story. She doesn’t think she can get Kip but offers to bring him the footage of Kip and his gay affairs to Houston. Fiona hears from Austin, who calls from the hospital where Gina has gone into labor, and he is looking forward to the arrival of their son Angus. 6/20/24
• 030. Affairs to Remember – 9/17/2013
  • On the plane to Houston to meet with Chris, Fiona speaks to Jerome and asks him to look in her computer files to find her private video with Conan O’Brien, which she hopes to use to blackmail him into letting her on his show. While he is looking, he comes across one of his own videos of himself speaking with Gina, where he recognizes her as the girl to whom he lost his virginity. After reminiscing and trying to remind her of who he is, they agree to meet again. He admits to Fiona that he did eventually fly to Nome to have an affair with her, and Fiona realizes by the timing of this that he could potentially be the father of her baby. She doesn’t want anyone to find out about this, so she orders Jerome to erase his video as well as their current conversation. Fiona speaks to her mother, who has bribed the doorman and is now in Fiona’s apartment. She tells Fiona that she is writing a new book about the elder abuse that Fiona has inflicted on her, which outrages Fiona, who claims that none of it is true. She tells her mother that she will file a lawsuit to stop the publication of the book. Jerome calls Gina and tells her that Fiona wants to send her a gift for the baby and asks her to send him a piece of the umbilical cord, a lock of hair, or some skin so that she can have it dipped in gold. His real intention is to have it DNA tested to see if she is the father. Fiona talks to Chris about their meeting, where she was surprised by a film crew from Real Housewives of Houston. Fiona claims that she is embarrassed because Chris has gotten her drunk, and the video shows her vomiting in the bathroom. Although Chris tries to tell her that this would be a great launch pad for Fiona’s career, Fiona refuses to sign the release form. Chris bribes her by telling her that she will raise her alimony payments from $1000 to $5000. Austen speaks to Fiona and tells her that Gina says that Angus is not his son, blaming it on someone from the canning factory in Nome, although she can’t remember who it was. He also says Gina refuses to divorce him and wants to live in the penthouse next door to Fiona’s place, and furthermore there are workers currently cutting into the apartment to make adjoining apartments. 6/21/24
• 031. No Place Like Home – 9/24/2013
  • Fiona chats with Austin, who tells her that he has finally gotten his divorce from Gina after she slept with every man on his staff, so he had to fire them all and replace them with women. He says he is ready to spend his life with Fiona and asks her to marry him. After she accepts his proposal, he tells her that he has had a revelation about life and decided to give away all of his money and live off the grid in a mud hut in Africa. Fiona is taken aback at this and pretends that she is losing connection on Skype, telling him that they are “breaking up.” She then hears from Jerome while she is reading over her divorce papers and he tells her that he is actually the biological father of Angus, and that he is moving in next door with both Gina and Hailey, and they are all going to raise the baby together since Austin gave Angus twenty million dollars. Gina also appears on screen and suggests that they build a bridge between their houses. Gina then realizes she has no idea where the baby is. Kip calls to check in with Fiona and how she is doing with the divorce papers. He also tells her that he is dating women again, and all of them are a worse version of Fiona. He says that being gay was just a phase, originally utilized to make the Republican party seem more tolerant of gays. He says he plans to move back to Philadelphia to start up his law practice again and wants to have dinner with Fiona. They both agree for now to rip up the divorce agreements instead of signing them. Putsy calls and reveals that she was the one who talked to Kip and offered to re-launch his career, and also received an invitation from Kip to move back into Fiona’s house. She also tells Fiona that she was the one who convinced Austin to give away all of his money. She says that her plan is to get Kip into the Supreme Court and wants to use her influence to outlaw the declawing of cats. Fiona finally loses her temper and tells her mother that she cannot move in with her and that she is going to do whatever she can to stop the publishing of her book. Six months later, Putsy has indeed published her book, giving Fiona a tiny co-author credit on the cover, Did That Come Out of Me?: A Mother Daughter Love Story. Putsy’s publicist Garreth Pink (Billy Crystal) calls Fiona to discuss the cancelled personal appearance on The Today Show that Fiona was supposed to make to promote the book. He tells her that she isn’t well-liked by people and that her voice is too shrill. Fiona argues that it is Putsy who is the despicable one, and Garreth then tells her that he and Putsy are getting married. Furthermore, he tells her that he and Putsy are going to put a stop to Web Therapy by having Time Magazine do an expose on it and reveal that it is complete sham. He says it is up to her if she wants to call him ‘Dad’ or not. 10/20/24

SEASON 4

• 032. Call in the Light – 10/22/2014
  • Putsy and Garreth are now married and have driven Fiona out of her Web Therapy practice. Kip is now a circuit court judge. Garreth, who still wants Fiona to call him “Dad,” has become aware of the dark side of Putsy and can no longer stand her. He says she is impossible to please sexually, and he believes she is having an affair. After Fiona gives him some advice on how to handle her mother, Garreth feels bad about running Fiona out of business by threatening to expose her in Time magazine, but since the article was never published, he is now open to her returning to her practice. He suggests that he finds a client she can help and then go on a circuit of interviews to bring her name back into the public eye. He gives her some advice how to handle people so they will like her. Fiona later talks to Jerome, who is now a multimillionaire thanks to the money given to Angus. He and Gina are now blowing through it on frivolous purchases. Fiona says she’d like to continue to employ Jerome, but he doesn’t think that it would make sense since he outearns her by so much. Fiona suggests that he invest in Web Therapy, and she offers him a one-percent stake in the company. They both agree and seal the deal with a ‘Skype’ handshake. Fiona meets with new client Maya Ganesh (Gwyneth Paltrow), a yoga instructor with a raging anger problem. Although she performs a very peaceful prayer to ‘call in the light’, she tells Fiona that she is often plagued with thoughts about wishing people die. Fiona suggests that it is a feeling of anger, but Maya strongly objects to that designation. She says that her Board of Directors head Barbara wanted her to get to the source of the issue before her Golden Circles Spiritual Center hold their retreat. By humoring her obvious insanity, Fiona is able to win over Maya’s trust and receives an invitation to come be a speaker at the retreat herself. Fiona thinks the entire thing is too New Age for her, but when she hears that they are offering $10,000 per day to the speakers, she suddenly becomes interested. Faye asks to end the call with Fiona leading the prayer, but then gets upset that Fiona is breathing too loudly. 10/23/24

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