The Terrible Catsafterme

VALERIE – SEASON 1 – NBC

Created by Charlie Hauck

Theme song: “Together Through the Years” written by Charles Fox and Stephen Geyer, and performed by Roberta Flack 

NOTE: The series was titled “Valerie” for the first two seasons, then re-tooled and titled “Valerie’s Family” for the third season, and finally “The Hogan Family” for the final three seasons. 

• 001. Old Enough – 3/1/1986
  • Valerie Hogan (Valerie Harper) is a wife and mother living in Chicago suburb Oak Park, Illinois, with her husband Michael (Josh Taylor), who, as an airline pilot is often absent from the house, and their sons, 16-year-old David (Jason Bateman), and twin 12-year-olds Willie (Danny Ponce) and Mark (Jeremy Licht). One morning as Michael is heading out for a flight to Japan, Valerie finds herself introducing her entire family to a repairman named Bob (William Schilling) who has come to fix the refrigerator and winds up breaking the freezer. Mark is diligently trying to get his homework done, while Willie is more of a slacker. David keeps asking incessantly if he can borrow the car over the weekend. When Willie spills syrup at the table and it gets all over David’s pants, Valerie is forced to wash them. Michael’s sister Caroline (Francine Tacker) stops over for a visit, and while they are chatting, Valerie finds a note in David’s pocket from an older woman named Lisa Straub (Lisa Sutton). Valerie confronts David about this, and he admits that he is seeing a twenty-four-year-old. Valerie immediately demands that he stop seeing her, causing him to storm off in rebellion. She reconsiders and agrees to have Lisa over for lunch, mostly so she can serve all of the food that she had to remove from the freezer. Valerie finds Lisa to be annoying and stupid, and after their lunch, she again forbids David to see her. David avows that she can’t stop him, and she agrees that physically she can’t, but tells him that if he defies her, things will never be the same between them. On the night of the date, Valerie lets him have the car keys as promised, and he goes to see her. He arrives at Lisa’s apartment late with a speech at the ready. He fumbles through talking about gray areas of relationships, before finally telling her that he has to break up because his mother won’t let him see her. David returns home and delivers the good news to Valerie. She is thrilled with his mature decision and tells him he can have his own keys to the car… to which he tells her that he’s already made a set. 2/27/21

• 002. The Six – 3/3/1986
  • Michael heads out on a two-week trip but promises he’ll be back for the Flying Karamazov Brothers juggling show. As the twins practice their juggling skills, doing only a moderate amount of damage along the way, David is seeing a lot of a smart, funny, and moderately attractive girl named Hilary (Sue Ball). While Valerie and her friend Barbara Goodwin (Christine Ebersole) play Trivial Pursuit with the twins, who are getting fed up with losing, David and Hilary listen to her vintage record collection in the other room. At one point, they come close to kissing but stop midway. On another night after a family game of Monopoly, which the twins are tired of losing, they get a call from Michael that he won’t make it back in time for the show. Valerie invites Hilary to go along with them, invoking the swift and immediate wrath of David. He won’t explain why but then pretends to be sick on the night of the show. Valerie and Barbara deduce that he doesn’t want to be seen in public with Hilary, so Valerie tells him that she knows he’s faking the illness and asks him to come clean. After some hesitation, he admits that his friends think he can do better than her, and that she would be ranked a 5 or 6 to his score of at least 8. Valerie tells him that at some point, David needs to decide his life for himself and also tells him that she knows that his father, who is a clear 10, married her despite his friends and family thinking that she was a 6. When Hilary arrives for the show, Valerie is poised to tell her that David is sick, but he comes downstairs ready to go, even offering to take her out with his friends after the show. She acknowledges that they’ve never actually been out before, but he acts as if he’s oblivious to that fact. 2/27/21
• 003. The Wrong Stuff – 3/10/1996
  • With an Air Force reunion coming up in San Diego, Michael invites over his mentor Col. Skip Franklin (Gerald Gordon), who not only taught him to fly, but also once saved his life. Meanwhile, David is trying to figure out how to deal with his girlfriend Amy, who is holding him to taking her to a Whitney Houston concert he promised to take her to, and he has just gotten tickets to a Blackhawks game for the same night. Willie is brought home by his friend Joey Bruno (Gregory Brown) and his father (Carmine Caridi) from soccer practice, and laments that Coach Lawson won’t let him play forward. The family has over Skip on the night as planned, but Valerie becomes more and more offended by his chauvinism, egoism, and insensitivity. Michael talks her into tolerating it for just one night, but his stories to the boys have some immediate effects. David takes charge and tells Amy that he’s going to the Blackhawks game… causing her to simply hang up on him and break off contact. Willie decides to tell of his coach in a profanity-laced tirade. Furthermore, Valerie is called to the principal for his new attitude and profanity, and Bruno tells Valerie that if he doesn’t shape up, he doesn’t want him around Joey. Valerie can take no more and shoves a sponge in Willie’s mouth. She has a talk with him and tell him that he’s not the only one who has a lot of people trying to tell him what to do, and she rattles off numerous examples of her own. She also convinces him that cussing will not resolve anything and reveals that she once took that punishment from one of the nuns at school. David sees the error of his ways and decides to attend the Whitney Houston concert with Amy after all. 4/19/21
• 004. One of the Boys – 3/17/1986
  • When Willie, David, and their father talk about their sports injuries, Mark can only contribute his blood blister from hitting the chess timer. He feels left out and like he’s not one of the guys, so David proposes that he try out for wrestling. In order to get him into the tryout, he forges a permission slip for him. After Mark is already there, David tries to talk her into letting him wrestle, but when David admits the forged the slip, she gets angry and heads to the gymnasium. She can’t seem to get through the red tape of telling the coaches (Bruce Tuthill, Hardy Rawls) about the forged slip, so she just counts Mark out during his match with a bigger guy. Valerie is upset with the boys, while Mark is furious that she embarrassed him. Even Willie gets in three fights at school with kids who were making fun of him. Mark tells his mother that David said that she would never understand, and that’s why he was so deceptive about joining. She finally admits that she never envisioned him being into sports but nevertheless writes a permission slip for any sport he wanted to play. To her worst fear, he picks football. During the tryouts, he is plowed over by the guys but keeps getting up again… and eventually scores a touchdown. Michael comes home just in time to see the excitement, but then Mark says he is done with football, but learned that he is a great runner and plans to join the track team. Jamison Newlander aka Jamie Jamison is Malcolm ‘Hyena.’ Brendon Blincoe is Mad Dog. J.W. Smith is the referee. 4/19/21
• 005. Benefit of the Doubt – 3/24/1986
  • David has developed an obsession for Tina Turner and is exhausting every avenue to get tickets to her show. Meanwhile, Valerie gets a call from Mr. Cheeseman, Mark and Willie’s Science teacher, who tell her that Willie failed his exam with a 58. She confronts Willie about it, but he can talk about his how Mark behaves like a nerd in the class, and how ridiculous it is that he scored a 103 on the same exam. Eventually he breaks down crying, saying that everyone always compares him unfavorably to Mark. While Willie and his mother discuss this, David scores tickets to show from his friend Toby, and asks Valerie for the money, and to stay out until 1am… while she is yelling at Willie. She tells him that Cheeseman is giving him a makeup test and that she’ll talk to the school and try to get him and Mark into different classes. She also promises to help him study all weekend, but as soon as Willie starts studying, he picks up a comic book instead. Valerie is committed to helping, even passing on an invitation from Barbara to go to the movies, but every time she turns around, Willie is not focusing. David reminds Valerie that she promised to give him $40, which she doesn’t remember. They settle the disagreement by agreeing that David will do chores to pay her back. Mark admits to Willie that he hates fighting with him, but Willie only asks Mark to do worse in school. Valerie gets tired of Willie not trying to do better, and not focusing, and reminds him that he had to break bad habits in baseball, and he will need to do the same with studying… lest he get left behind in school. David heads out for the concert dressed like Don Johnson, although Valerie has to remind him that Johnson never wears socks. Willie starts to get sad at the prospect of getting left back, so he vows to really buckle down, and he gives his mother all of the distractions he has hidden in the couch: comic books, his Walkman, and a ball. 8/14/21
• 006. Dog Day Afternoon – 3/31/1986
  • Valerie is contending with a tree down on the house after a storm and is trying to not be cheated by the contractor Mr. Slauson (Al Fann). She tries to get Michael to look at it, but he knows very little himself. Meanwhile, the family dog Murray has been having various health issue, including having accidents around the house and on David’s hockey uniform. David is annoyed and thinks this is an omen that they will lose to the Scorpions, against whom his team has never scored a goal. Valerie takes Murray to see the vet, who recommends that the family put Murray to sleep. The family discusses it, and they can’t come to any agreement. Willie is dead set against it, while Mark thinks it is best. David wavers back and forth, and while Michael and Valerie agreed it would be best after they left the vet, she starts to have second thought herself. They decide to wait to do anything until Michael gets back from this next trip. After Mr. Slauson and Valerie haggle over the price of cutting the tree into firewood, he comes back in the house and tells Valerie that Murray has climbed up onto and then fallen from the roof. This time they have no choice but to put him to sleep. That night, the younger boys have trouble sleeping, and although he initially declines, David joins the other boys in sleeping in their mom’s room that night. Although he had announced he was going to sit out from their next hockey game, he has a dream that night about Murray, which he takes a sign that Murray wants him to play. They don’t win the game, but David scores the team’s first goal ever against the Scorpions and gets the game puck. The family can’t decide where to bury Murray, so once Michael gets home, they have him scatter Murray’s ashes over Lake Michigan, since Murray used to like to take flights with him. 8/14/21
• 007. Happy Anniversary – 4/7/1986
  • It’s Valerie and Michael’s 17th anniversary, but he’s on a flight to Europe for the day, and Valerie is waiting near the phone for him to call so they can at least speak. Every time the phone rings, she thinks it is him, but it turns out to be first Barbara, then her boss Mr. Lydell. Barbara comes to visit and asks how Valerie keeps her sexual urges in check when Michael is away so often. Since Valerie’s only desire for the day is to talk to Michael, she lets David go shop for himself at the sale at Shirt World, so he can go on a date with his new girlfriend Janet that night. The twins have plans to attend the birthday party of Steve Weitz. While Valerie continues to wait by the phone, Willie falls off the roof and gashes his head, so Valerie has to take him to the hospital. As soon as they leave, the phone rings, but no one is there to answer it. By the time they return, the time has passed where Michael could conceivably call due to the time change. The boys feel terrible, especially Willie, so they offer to take her out to Chez Christine restaurant… but they have no openings for that night. Valerie tells the boys that she’s really like to make them lasagna for dinner. They have a nice dinner, but whenever Valerie brings up their father, they try to change the subject, so she doesn’t become upset. She tells them that she has no regrets, and part of the things that has made their life together so special is the family they built, so she is happy to be with her boys. The agree to go reminisce, but as soon as they get to the living room, the house fills up with kids who had to leave Steve’s party because he threw up after the cake. Valerie welcomes them all in and sends David to go see Janet. One of Michael’s fellow pilots Chuck (Milt Tarver) shows up and brings her a cassette tape that Michael relayed from Rome via airplane. Valerie goes to the car to listen to a heartfelt message from Michael. Besides telling her how much he loves her, he warns her not to let Willie try to move the basketball net on the garage by himself. Once she has listened to it, she plays it again. David Wagner is the boys’ friend Jonathan. 2/12/22
• 008. This Son for Hire – 4/14/1986
  • Just before Michael takes off for a flight for Rome, David talks to his parents about them buying him a CD player for his car. Although he tries to convince them that since they claimed him on their taxes all these years, he is owed the $500+ dollars for the stereo, they both turn him down. David then begins looking for a job so he can buy the CD player himself, but he keeps getting turned down since he doesn’t have the experience necessary for the jobs he is trying for. His mother suggests that he try a more suited starter job like the one being offered at Big Mouth Pizza, but David doesn’t want to be associated with their paper hats. When he stops by his mother’s workplace, the Antique Store, he overhears Valerie yelling at the delivery man Bruno (Carmine Caridi), who runs the warehouse, and telling him that he was rude to a customer. David offers his services helping to make deliveries with Bruno, and Bruno hires him on the spot when he says he can help with strategies. However, when David oversteps his bounds and creates workflow charts for Bruno, he quickly turns him back over to his mother. Valerie takes pity on David and hires him to help sweep in the showroom. David is late on his second day because has been out making business cards for himself, declaring himself the Assistant Manager. Valerie keeps him sweeping the floor, and while she is out of the room, an aggressive customer (Sam Anderson) swindles a $500 desk out of David for $200. Valerie has no choice but to fire David and tell him he is not qualified for the job yet, and when David starts talking about how unskilled Bruno is, she tells him that Bruno is a good worker, and that David is behaving like a snob. She wants him to understand that all jobs and all people have value. David comes home late that night and apologizes for his behavior and tells him mother that he took the job at Big Mount Pizza after all. 2/12/22
• 009. Sick House – 5/5/1986
  • Mark is just starting to recover from the flu, but David is terrified that he is going to get sick and miss his date with Robin Bledsoe. Willie has a big social project due, to make a Paper Mache map of a country, so he is trying to avoid school. When he starts saying that he isn’t feeling well, Valerie assumes he is just trying to get out of doing the project. However, she soon finds out that he really is sick when the school nurse calls and tells her that he threw up. She takes flak from her co-worker Bruno for not listening to him in the first place. Willie comes home from school and is laid in front of the TV, where he takes full advantage of the bell that she gives him to ring for service. While she is busy taking care of Willie, Mark is driving her crazy because he is feeling better and is bored to death. As the week comes to an end, things are looking up since Mark is back in action, and Willie has nearly fully recovered and is back to trying to finish his project. David is looking forward to his date that night, but before they all leave for school on Friday, Valerie herself comes down with the illness and is soon confined to her bed. Willie needs help with his project, and David needs someone to iron his shirt, but Valerie fends them all off so she can rest. The boys have to fend for themselves for dinner, so they go to the grocery store where they are supposed to get their mother some ginger ale. When they don’t return for hours, Valerie comes down to check on them and finds that the kitchen has been trashed. David and Mark return from the store with all junk food snacks and no ginger ale. Valerie reads them the riot act about the condition they’ve left the house, and the marches back up to bed. Hours later, just before David leaves for his date, the come upstairs to present their mother with ginger ale, as well as snapshots of the kitchen before and after they’ve cleaned it. She appreciates the extra effort, and is even surprised that once she is feeling better, David offers to help cook dinner and promises that they’ll be helpful even when she isn’t sick. Willie even finishes his project by himself. 6/20/22
• 010. Executive Material – 5/19/1986
  • A lot is going on in the Hogan family: Willie is playing Romeo in the school play Romeo & Juliet, Mark is going to write the review for the school paper, Valerie agrees to work on the costume committee, and David is trying to organize a fund raiser for the hockey team’s new uniforms. Valerie is surprised when her boss Mr. Lydell offers her to take on a full-time job at the auction house instead of her part-time role. After talking it over with Michael and her friend Barbara, she decides to accept the job. Valerie and Michael plan to take the boys out to dinner to tell them that she won’t be there quite as much to take care of everything for them. They worry in advance what they are going to be told, with Willie concerned that he is being sent to military school, Mark scared that they are getting divorced, and David speculation that she is pregnant again. When they start questioning Valerie about these things, they finally just give in and tell them about Val’s new job before they even leave for dinner. The boys don’t seem to think it is a big deal, and agree to help more around the house and not count on their mother to do everything for them. David heads up taking care of the house, and is surprised with himself for doing such a good job. By the time she gets home from work, she starts to feel overwhelmed with helping with dinner, rehearsing with Willie, and reading Mark’s History paper. When some simple things like the night of Mark’s chess club, and David’s plans for the a car wash fundraiser changes to a rock concert, she begins to feel like she’s missing out. After Willie’s play, and the fact that she was only a spectator and didn’t contribute to the costumes, it is all too much for her. She realizes how much she misses the simple stuff going on in their lives, and decides to move her job back to part time. Although David jokes about losing the time after school where he can have his friends over for their ‘afternoon orgies’, overall they are all glad to know she’ll be there again for them. 6/20/22

SEASON 2

• 011. Full Moon – 9/28/1986
  • Valerie is having a rough morning, at first trying to fend off David buttering her up so she will allow him to go to Susan Christopher’s party after he broke his 1am curfew the weekend before. Then Michael has a flat tire before he leaves for a flight to Madrid, so she has to take him to his friend Leo’s house. Mark, on the other hand, is getting ready to receive his Lincoln Junior High Citizenship Award at school, so he is all dressed up in a suit. David pokes fun at him for being so proper and unspontaneous. She thinks she has everyone off to school, but then Willie comes down, having missed the bus because he is working on his internal clock and Ninja skills. After Valerie drops him off, she comes home to find there is not milk for her coffee, so she calls her friend Annie Steck (Judith Kahan) to see if she can bring her milk, and she shows up with the powdered kind. She also recommends that Valerie soak in a hot bath. Unfortunately, before she can even think about that, she gets called by the school principal Mrs. Davis (CCH Pounder), who calls her into the school because Mark has been suspended. She is in shock that Mark could do anything worth of suspension, but it turns out he mooned the audience… and is quite proud of it. While she is dealing with his, David continues to do chores, bring flowers, and call her pretending to a psychologist, trying to talk her into letting him go to the party. While Mark is touting his achievement to David, who is completely unimpressed, she notices that Willie has nunchucks and a throwing star, and realizes they are weapons, so she throws them away. She sits them all down and tells them they all need to get used to consequences for their actions, and grounds them from leaving the house, talking, or using any electronics including the microwave, while she goes and takes her bubble bath. Just when she starts to relax, she hears them all start arguing and blaming each other downstairs, to which she simply sinks deeper into the tub. 10/12/22
• 012. The Big Fix-Up – 10/5/1986
  • Valerie introduces David to her friend’s daughter Linda Perkins (Kristy Swanson) when she comes to pick up some clothes for charity. David doesn’t like the idea of being fixed up, but when he sees her, he is so smitten that he can barely talks. Throughout the course of a week, they get to know each other and get so comfortable that they are watching TV programs together over the phone. Meanwhile, new neighbors move in and have a giant dog named Casey that won’t stop barking. The younger boys like the dog, and Mark even brings it in the house… and gives Valerie ear muffs to block out the barking. David takes Linda out to eat and tries to make plans for a Eurythmics concert date, but Linda tries to tell him gently that she doesn’t feel the chemistry between them. David initially becomes desperate and starts to beg her not to break it off because he was feeling so optimistic about their relationship. David slinks home alone and tells Valerie that they decided not to see so much of each other. He maintains a brave face but is crushed. For days, he mopes around as Willie tries to cheer him up with jokes. Valerie finally meets the bubbly and flighty new neighbor Patty Poole (Edie McClurg), who apologizes for the dog barking and hopes it’s just a phase during the move. The younger boys like her because she keeps giving them baked good, and even sews a button on Mark’s shirt. Valerie has a talk with David, who is believing that love is more trouble than it is worth. She tells him about her first boyfriend Tommy Giordano, and how he broke her heart. She also promises not to fix him up again, to which he kids her about admitting that it was a fix-up. David’s friends Phil (Bradley Gregg) and Rich (Tom Hodges) come over and invite him to go bowling, even promising not to tease him about being dumped. He declines, but when Valerie starts telling him about her second boyfriend, he gets the hint and decides to go after all. 10/12/22
• 013. Of Human Bondage – 10/12/1986
  • Annie comes over to talk Valerie into using her hairdresser Carlos (Harvey Jason), and when she arrives, she trips on Willie’s skateboard. Valerie tells Willie that he is grounded from the skateboard, but he begs her for another chance since he has a skateboarding tournament coming up. She agrees to give him a second and final chance. He then puts the skateboard on the stairs, where David promptly trips on it and falls down the stairs. Willie begs him not to tell their mother and vows to be David’s slave for a week if he keeps his mouth shut. David agrees, and then begins giving David menial tasks all over the house. Valerie gets her hair dyed by Carlos, and when she exits the hairdryer, she finds that it is bright yellow. He is able to tone it down to a very light blonde, but she still hates it. However, it does start to get her special attention while she is out shopping. Willie reaches the last straw with David, when David loans him to his friend Corcoran to wash his car. When Willie all but attacks David, Valerie demands to know what happened, and Willie tells all, even about leaving the skateboard on the stairs. Meanwhile, after another one of Mark’s fish dies, he goes to the pet store and brings home a water dragon that he names Chuck. It isn’t long before Chuck escapes his aquarium and runs rampant all over the house. Valerie tells David that he should apologize to Mark, since Mark looks up to him and has every reason to feel insulted that David treated him so shoddily. Even though David thinks that older brothers should never apologize to younger brothers, he finally builds up the nerve to go apologize to Willie, who has locked himself in the bathroom. After hemming and hawing, David finally gets out an apology and tells Willie that he cares about and loves him. Willie insists on a hug, which David has to climb into the bathtub to give him. Once the hug is over, Willie jumps out and turns the shower on and douses David. Michael comes home to find Valerie in bed, with Chuck the dragon sitting behind her on the pillow. She thinks that Michael’s reaction to the dragon is actually his response to her hair. Once she figures out that the dragon is behind her, she asks for his opinion of the hair… which he also hates. Twink Caplan is Cinnamon at the salon. 2/10/23
• 014. Caught on a Hot Tin Roof – 11/2/1986
  • Annie stops at the Hogan house to drop off some things to store in their freezer since their freezer is full of party supplies for Annie’s daughter Rebecca’s (Paula Hoffman) thirteenth birthday. When the boys get wind of this party that they can’t come to, they start to think about the girls doing an underwear dance. Willie proposes that they go next store and spy on the party through the window. Meanwhile, David has made a date with a girl named Sandra Henson to a 40’s-style big band school dance, but he is concerned because she is a great dancer and he’s concerned that he won’t live up to her expectations. He has to resort to begging his mother to help teach him to dance since she is so busy, so they get to work in the kitchen and David awkwardly works his way through a variety of swing dance moves. Willie and Mark tell their mother that they’re turning in early, and then they sneak out with the ladder and head to the Steck house. Mark climbs up onto the roof in front of Rebecca’s window, but all he sees are the girls passing out gum and playing with toy horses. Then when Willie gets his chance, he gets much more of an eyeful as Rebecca undresses in front of him. Mark tries to get up on the roof with him again but ends up knocking over the ladder and leaving Willie stranded. Annie catches him up there and goes over and gets Valerie. They confront Willie and make him climb down, and when Rebecca realizes that Willie saw her naked, she freaks out. Valerie gives both boys a speech about respecting privacy, even though their urges have made them very curious. She insists that they both apologize to Rebecca. The next day, Rebecca comes over for her apology, since Annie is worried about letting her husband around them at this point. Willie gives his apology, and then Rebecca asks to speak to Willie alone. She confesses that she has seen him naked as well, since she was at her window once when David pulled down Willie’s swimsuit as a joke. They consider themselves even and shake hands. 2/10/23
• 015. Leave It to Willie – 11/9/1986
  • Valerie is heading out to take Mark to the music store to look for a new instrument for him to play. Willie stays home with his friend Max (Jadrien Steele) and they eat cheese puffs on the couch and watch a sitcom with a plot revolving around a boy named Bobby (Dick Billingsley) confessing to his friend Chubby (Matthew Licht) that he stole ten dollars from his father’s (Daniel Trent) wallet. When Bobby decides to confess this, his father is a good sport about it, partially blames himself, and decides to ground him for a week while still allowing him to attend a party. Meanwhile, David gets permission from Valerie to borrow his father’s car as long as he washes it. However, when his friend Rich comes over and invites him to the Bulls game so he goes off with him instead. Willie and Max are bored, so they decide to take a joy ride in Michael’s car. They return after having hit a parked car and causing major damage to the front passenger wheel. Valerie and Mark return with his new flute, and soon afterward, an Officer Chazin (Ken Lerner) to report a non-injury hit-and-run. Valerie is adamant that no one in the house would have caused an accident and ran. She and the officer go out to the garage, and Valerie is shocked when she sees the damage. She briefly asks Willie if he knows anything about it and he doesn’t admit what he did. Valerie is certain that the culprit is David, so when she comes home, she jumps on his case. He has no idea what she is talking about, so he storms out highly offended. Mark decides to give up the flute after a few hours, despite the fact that Valerie doesn’t want him to keep quitting things. Later, David calls Willie to the garage and shows him the cheese puff that he found in the front seat. Even though Willie quickly eats it, he decides he must tell his mother what he did. He envisions himself on the sitcom and assumes that everything will turn out the same for him. However, Valerie is nowhere near as understanding as the sitcom father. She tells him all the reasons that what he did was terrible, dangerous, irresponsible, and illegal…as well as unfair to David. She goes in the other room to talk to David and apologize, and tells Willie that life is not like a sitcom and that they will be discussing this more, but trust will have to be re-earned. Mark brings home an upright bass. 7/17/23
• 016. Dr. No – 11/16/1986
  • David comes home from his basketball game with a knee injury after being hit at the buzzer as he scored a game-winning basket. David doesn’t think he needs to see a doctor, but his friend Rich mentions he might get girls if he has to use crutches. Valerie insists that he go see Dr. Innisen to get checked out. Meanwhile, Willie has become good friends with tomboy Judy Hallin (Laura Jacoby), who has a major crush on Mark. She tries to talk him into a date, even though Mark isn’t interested. David is diagnosed as having had his meniscal tissue in his knee ripped, which will require an operation. Michael offers to skip his next flight and stay home with him, but David tells him he will be alright. Mark agrees to help Judy study, but she can’t keep her eyes on him. As David is ready to head out to his surgery, his brothers tease him about going under the knife and getting his leg amputated. Then Mrs. Poole stops by and brings David an Etch-a-Sketch and tells David about her days working in the hospital and the number of times that foreign objects got left inside people during operations. David suddenly becomes petrified of having the operation and retreats to the bathroom. He tells his mother he simply does not want to have the operation, but she reminds him that his leg will just get worse and more painful if he doesn’t. When his brothers stick up for him and say that he’d never be afraid of something like that, he decides to save face and go have the operation after all. However, once he arrives and he hears about a Code Blue from a guy named Benny (Jesse Dizon) who is taking his blood, he gets scared all over again. Mark tells Judy that he only likes her as a friend, so she comes over to convince him that he really loves her. Valerie has a talk with her and tells her that relationships have to form naturally. Judy winds up apologizing to Mark for being so overbearing with him and promises not to do it again… then plants a big kiss on him. Valerie finds David in the living room of the house and begs him to be realistic about the operation. He finally decides to face what frightens him and they return to the hospital. Michael surprises everyone and shows up at the hospital while David is in the operating room. They all tell him how proud of him they are, even though he is barely conscious. Mrs. Poole also stops by with a Teddy Bear, which David is happy to receive. Phyllis Applegate is the nurse. 7/19/23
• 017. One of a Kind – 11/23/1986
  • David is doing a term paper on fraternal twins, using Willie and Mark to prove that they have nothing in common except for their birthday. Their mother then announces that they are having Aunt Josephine (Nan Martin), who is also Valerie’s godmother, over for dinner. The boys are bummed because she is always insulting and obnoxious. In fact, she is estranged from most of the family including her sister, Valerie’s mother. As usual, she shows up with a cigarette dangling from her mouth, giving David a role of pennies and the twins handkerchiefs. Mrs. Poole stops over and brings an extra turkey casserole to add to the dinner. Mrs. Poole yells at Josephine as if she is deaf, invoking Josephine’s wrath. The boys are on their best behavior and tolerate Aunt Josephine, so Valarie excuses them early to go watch the Bears football game. Valerie tries to talk Josephine into reconciling with her sister, but she won’t hear of it, so Valerie says they can talk about it some other time. Josephine wants Valerie to stop at the market when she drives Josephine home to get cigarettes and cat food. Valerie then returns home alone and tells Michael that Aunt Josephine passed away at the market. They then call the boys into the room and tells them about the death. She tells the boys that it is okay to cry, but they cannot seem to summon the tears. Although stunned by her passing, they return to watch the football game. Valerie hosts the wake at their house and bring in Father Rooney (Bryan O’Byrne) to speak. Michael is more interested in Mrs. Poole’s tuna casserole, which includes Cool Whip to bind the tuna. Hardly anyone shows up for the funeral, and Mrs. Poole suggests that Valerie speak, although she can’t think of much to say. Michael throws in the fact that Josephine was honest. Mrs. Poole turns it over to David, who says she was generous enough to give him a lot of stuff. Mike concurs and adds that she was very hygienic. Willie says that she was a quiet woman and a giant among aunts. Valeries notes that during family gatherings, no one could argue better than Aunt Josephine. This moves Mrs. Poole to tears. After the service, David admits that he feels bad, but doesn’t really fee sad. The twins apologize for being so cold-hearted. Valeries disagrees and tells them that she should have told them that it okay to cry, but it is also okay not to cry. David agrees that Josephine probably is in heaven since she never shot anyone. John Miranda is Mr. Morelli, funeral guest. 11/19/23 
• 018. The Roots of All Evil – 11/30/1986
  • While Valerie is mopping up the kitchen after their water has backed up and overflowed in the kitchen, David talks to her to see if she will loan him $400 over and above what they’ve already promised to give him for his first car purchase. He has already asked his father and been denied, so he turns to his brothers to offer part ‘ownership’ in the car and that he will take them wherever they want to go. Meanwhile, the source of the plumbing problem turns out to be Annie’s Elm tree that has roots that are wrapping around the pipes, according to their plumber Mr. Avery (Bill Henderson). When they tell Annie about it, she doesn’t take it well since the Elm tree was planted by her husband Ed on the day that their daughter Rebecca was born. She says she is going to hire her own plumber to get a second opinion. The twins decide it would be cool to be the only seventh graders in the school to have their own car, so they agree to work out a contract with Dave. Once Michael helps David get a mechanic to check out the car, and it gets the seal of approval. David goes over to pick up the car, and immediately begins to balk about driving his brothers around. Annie comes over and tells Valerie that they had their plumber check out the piping and that the source of the issue is indeed the Elm tree, but she sheepishly tells Valerie how upset this will make her since it represents one of the very few romantic gestures her husband ever gave her. David starts to turn to their mother to try and help him get the twins off his back. She feels the twins are taking advantage of David, but that David needs to agree to a compromise and draw up a new contract. She preaches to them that they should let the letter of the contract destroy their relationship as brothers. Valerie mediates an agreement where David will give them four rides a week, David will repay the loan in a timely fashion, and the boys get to hold onto David’s stereo in their room as collateral. When Annie comes over to talk to Valerie about a job that she didn’t get it, she admits she is still upset about the Elm tree but needed someone to talk to. After telling Valerie about how much the tree meant as one of Ed’s only romantic gestures, Valerie decides to let her keep the tree and that she and Mike will deal with the inconvenience. Annie agrees to pay their plumbing bill if she gets to keep the tree. 11/20/23
• 019. Small Packages – 12/7/1986
  • It’s Valerie’s birthday, and Michael reminds the boys to do something special for her as he is getting ready to take her to breakfast and then leave for a week. The boys decide to buy a garbage disposal and replace the broken one in the kitchen. Meanwhile, a toy store manager named George Mobley (Stephen Lee) for whom Valerie has helped design a Christmas catalog, sends Valerie a fruit basket for her birthday. Then he stops by and thanks her for being there for his recent divorce from his wife Jane and gives her another birthday gift. Annie stops by and sees them together and then later tells Valerie that it is obvious that George has a huge crush on her. Valerie insists that they are just friends, but then when she sees that the gift is a diamond necklace, she realizes she has to make sure George doesn’t misinterpret their friendship. While she heads out to meet George for lunch, the boys go to work on the garbage disposal, giving Valerie more errands to run so that she is gone longer. Mark doesn’t think it is a good idea to do the job themselves, and he is proven right when they can’t get it working. However, after getting doused with water under the sink, he manages to get it plugged in and in working order. Unfortunately, when they celebrate their success by jumping around, the knock the wrench into the disposal and damage it. They decide to use the little money they have left to go shopping to find something else. At their lunch, George admits that he is in love with Valerie, but she makes it clear that they have a business relationship, and that most importantly, she is married. She convinces him that he only fell for her because she was there for him, and that he will find someone else. George says he can’t turn his feelings on and off, but he agrees that they can try to maintain their working relationship while he pays off the ring. Valeries comes home and sees the mess in the kitchen, but when the boys tell her what they were doing, she is touched at their effort. She is also touched by their small, cheap gifts of a comb, a flashlight, and non-spill coffee mug, all of which are things the boys knew she could use. She tells the boys how much she loves the gifts because they symbolize how well they know her. She offers to help clean up the mess in the kitchen, but David says since it is her birthday, she can clean it up tomorrow. 3/26/24
• 020. The Way We’re Not – 12/14/1986
  • Michael finds out that he is on strike for an undetermined amount of time. Valerie suggests that they take advantage of his time off work, and David offers to help put together the barbecue that he’s always wanted to build. Michael suggests that they all go to a boat show together, but the boys all have plans. However, when it seems that they’ve hurt his feelings, the boys decide to cancel their plans and go to the show. After a week of being on strike and doing things together as a family, it starts to wear on everyone. Mrs. Poole hires Valerie to design the invitations for their 25th high school reunion. Valerie gets further annoyed with Michael when he allows the boys to watch soap operas with him instead of doing their homework. When it becomes obvious that David is avoiding his father Valerie explains to him that Michael has never been out of work this long and he doesn’t know what to do with himself. She herself starts to get irritated when he re-arranges her pots and pans in the kitchen, and installs hooks for their car keys, as she has been looking everywhere for them. Valerie decides to have a talk with him about the tension in the house, but it doesn’t go anywhere, and Michael suggests that he cook dinner that night on the new barbecue. Valerie has a temper tantrum after he leaves to go shopping, and she tells Annie how he is driving her and the kids crazy, admitting that she and Michael grew up with different ways to handle conflict. Mrs. Poole also comes over in her raincoat, preparing for the upcoming rain, to give Valerie more information about the reunion invitations. That night, the strike talks break down, and it starts to rain while Michael is cooking outside. Valerie says he’s feeling depressed, so they try to remain upbeat for the indoor picnic… even with the buns soggy from the rain, as well as burnt on the other side. Everyone acts like they are enjoying them, but Michael finally admits that they are absolutely terrible. Michael gets a call and finds out that the strike has been settled. The entire family jumps up and down for joy, but this also upsets Michael. Mrs. Poole comes over to tell Valerie about the strike, and then tells her that she has three years to finish the invitations. Valerie deduces that Mrs. Poole only hired her to help out the family. Michael confronts Valerie about why everyone is so thrilled that he is going back to work. He worries that if he was to get a more traditional ground job, they wouldn’t want him around. Valerie tells him that they had made a commitment for their unconventional lifestyle and have made it work, and that if was ever grounded full time, they’d also make it work. The family all agrees to abandon the cookout and go out for pizza. 3/26/24
• 021. Boston Tea Party – 1/4/1987
  • Valerie gets a last-minute invitation from Michael to meet him for a two-day getaway in Bermuda, so she takes him up on the offer. David plans to stay home with the boys and take them to a rock concert with his friend Rich, but he tries to talk the boys out of going with him. Just after Valerie leaves, Mrs. Poole stops over with her four-year-old niece Pamela (Jodie Sweetin), whom she is watching while her mother gives birth to her new sibling. David is averse to children and tries to push her away when she goes in for a hug. When Mrs. Poole tries to hand her to David, she winds up throwing out her back. The boys manage to get her medication to take, which winds up knocking her out entirely. Meanwhile at the airport, Valerie meets a lady named Joan (Kit McDonough) while waiting for their plane who claims to have just had her purse stolen. Valerie offers to buy her a cup of coffee, but the lady says she needs to run to the restroom first. While Valeire is chatting with another older lady named Dorothy (Margaret Wheeler), she realizes that her purse is missing. A security officer named Henderson (Susan Krebs) grabs Valerie, as she thinks she is the purse snatcher who she has been tracking, since the m.o. of the thief is to claim that her purse was stolen. Back home, the boys do their best to keep Pamela entertained, while Mrs. Poole loses all sense of reality and then falls asleep. They have to endure playing with dolls and having a tea party. When Rich shows up to pick up the guys, David decides that he can’t leave Pamela alone while Mrs. Poole is conked out so he tells his brothers to go ahead to the concert with Rich. Valerie tries to call home for help, but Pamela keeps answering the phone and hanging up. Another airport security officer named Kelly (Leonard Turner) picks up Joan as a purse thief suspect, but Joan claims that it was Valerie who stole her purse. With them both accusing each other, the officers don’t know who to believe. When the officers leave them alone, Valerie berates Joan for being so rude as to ruin her vacation, but Joan has no sympathy because of the stack of credit cards that Valerie has. Eventually another female victim (Ann Convery) is brought in, and she is able to identify the thief as Joan. Back home, Pamela starts to get homesick, so David plays with her doll with her and then sings her to sleep on his lap, finally becoming comfortable taking care of her. Valerie comes home is shocked to find David babysitting a little girl, while David is shocked that his mother has returned. She promises to tell David the whole story the next day. Mrs. Poole wakes up with her backache gone and a second wind. Pamela wakes up too and they head home, with Pamela stopping to kiss David on the cheek before she leaves. David truly sees how much sacrifice his mother made to take care of three children. 8/20/24
• 022. Never on Tuesday – 1/11/1987
  • When they find out that their friend Mrs. Martinelli was mugged in a grocery store parking lot, Valerie, Annie, and Mrs. Poole decide to take a self-defense course at the encouragement of Michael. He stays with the boys for their first class, but since he is leaving town, David promises to watch the boys the following Tuesday. Meanwhile, David and his friend Rich are competing to see who can team up with their classmate Alison McGuire for an English project. It turns out that they wind up working together as a trio, but the competition doesn’t stop. David thinks that he is more entitled to Alison because he likes her more than Rich based on how they rated her on a one-to-ten scales. When the next Tuesday arrives, David is late coming home and almost makes Valerie late to their class. David has been waiting in line to get Elvis Costello concert tickets and plans to ask Alison to go with him that night at the library during their group meeting. Valerie says that he already promised to watch the boys, and she plans to hold him to it. After Valerie leaves, David calls his friend Burt (Steve Witting) to come over and babysit Mark and Willie so that he can go to the library anyway. At the practice, the instructor Vince (Casey Sander) gets his foot stepped on by Mrs. Poole, then sweeps Valerie twice during a self-defense demonstration. He then has Valerie try and stop Annie from attacking her, but when she sweeps Annie, it causes her to sprain her arm. Valerie and Mrs. Poole take her to the doctor and then come home early. When Valerie spots Burt in the house, she uses her new sweeping technique on him and throws him to the ground. David then comes home, just in time for Burt to admit that he doesn’t know where the twins are since he fell asleep earlier. After sending Burt home, Willie and Mark show up and are berated by both of them for being out at the park so late, where they went to put their initials into a new basketball court before the cement dried. Valerie sends them to bed and chastises David for this caper. David complains that too much responsiblity falls on him to take care of the boys, run errands, and mow the lawn. Valerie agrees to start having the twins mow the lawn, and then says she will handle everything else. David gets the point that it shouldn’t all fall on her either but doesn’t think it is fair that so much is expected of him just for being the oldest. She says it comes with the territory and then explains all of the perks that he gets by being older. David is especially impressed when she doesn’t punish him, but rather says that there is no need since they came to an understanding. However, she makes it clear, she’s not ready to change his curfew yet. 8/21/24
• 023. Wooly Bully – 1/18/1987
  • Valerie has had an operation on her foot to get a bunion removed, rendering her nearly helpless at home. With Michael out of town, Mrs. Poole is relentless in offering help to Valerie by doing all of her cooking and cleaning. Meanwhile, David is having a fellow student named Jessica (Deborah Levin) tutor him in math. They get along well as friends, although David teases her about dating a dumb jock named Eric Mortensen (Ty Miller), although she says they are broken up. Later, at school, Eric threatens David by telling him to stop hanging out with his girlfriend. Both David and his friend Rich simply laugh Eric off and tell him that she says they are broken up anyway, but nonetheless, he tells him that they are just friends. Eric later sees David and Jessica eating together at the deli, and just as Willie and Mark come in to meet David, Eric sucker punches David in the face. When they get home, David tells his brothers that he is going to get back at Eric but not to tell their mother what happened. However, as soon as she sees his black eye, the twins blab exactly what happened. Valerie wants to call Eric’s mother, but David stops her and says that he is old enough to handle it on his own. The next morning, Valerie tries to advise David not to resort to violence and reminds him that you never know what is driving someone to behave this way. That day Mrs. Poole continues to drive Valerie insane by doing chores at her house, this time bringing over a floor scrubber for the kitchen. She finally has to tell her that she is helping her too much and that she needs to back off. Just then, Annie stops by and says that her daughter Rebecca heard at school that David is going to the deli to fight Eric. Valerie then has to backpedal to ask Mrs. Poole to drive her down to the deli to stop the fight. When David arrives to see Eric, he tells him that he wants to take him outside and beat him up for sucker punching him, but he is not going to. However, he demands an apology, and Eric is quick to give him one. He tells Eric that he is in therapy to work on his aggression as he deals with his parents’ divorce and the loss of Rebecca. David tries to tell him that this is not excuse for going around and hitting people, but Eric then tells him that his dog Duke was hit by a car. David sympathizes with him and tells him that he must just be having a streak of bad luck. Willie and Mark show up to see the fight and find David simply talking to Eric. David starts to walk Eric to his car and runs into Mrs. Poole and his mother. David tells him mother that he said that he would handle it, and he did. However, he says he still feels a little guilty because he had let the air out of Eric’s tires. 12/15/24
• 024. Bad Timing – 2/8/1987
  • The Hogans are hosting their old friends Howard (Basil Hoffman) and Charlotte Morgan (Ann Ryerson) and their daughter Lori (Valerie Breiman) while Lori is in town for a college interview. Michael is getting annoyed with how cheap Howard is and thinks he is only staying with them to save money on a motel. He is also eating them out of house and home. Howard does offer to pay them back by purchasing tickets to the Northwestern football game and treating them to lunch while Lori is at her interview. That night David and Lori go to a party at Rich’s party, and when they come home late that night, they reminisce about the time they kissed behind the garage when they were kids. As Lori heads up to bed, they kiss each other again. In the middle of the night, while David is sleeping on the fold-out couch, Lori comes downstairs and climbs in bed with him. After kissing for a while, Lori tells David that she wants to sleep with him, but David says they had better wait until he can get some protection. They agree to come back to the house while their parents are at the game after Lori’s interview. The next day, David goes to pick up some groceries since Howard has eaten so much, and he also grabs cough drops from his mother and condoms for himself at the drugstore. Michael is incensed when he realizes that the Northwestern tickets are in the nosebleed section and the lunch he had offered to buy are hotdogs from the game. David accidentally mixes up the bag with the cough drops and the condoms, causing Valerie to become shocked and worried. She has a sensitive conversation with David about how his feelings are completely normal, but that he should really take such a step seriously. David and Lori meet back at the house after her interview, and they scramble to get their clothes off, with David knocking the shades off of the wall and pulling off one of Lori’s buttons. When they hear a car door outside, David starts to realize how completely nervous he is. He says he can’t go through with it. He says he really likes her but that everything is too frantic with her leaving in a couple of hours and him not knowing when he will see her again. He also confesses that to top it all off, he is a virgin. She says that she understands and seeing that they waited ten years for a second kiss, they can wait until she returns in the Fall to further explore their relationship. David instantly regrets that it will be so long. Just then, the family returns home and they scramble to get dressed again, then give each other another big kiss. 12/15/24

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