The Terrible Catsafterme

SEASON 1 – FOX

Theme music: “Boss of Me” by They Might Be Giants

• 001. Pilot – 1/9/2000
  • The Wilkerson family are a slightly dysfunctional family living in the Midwest comprised of father Hal (Bryan Cranston), mother Lois (Jane Kaczmarek), and brothers Reese (Justin Berfield), Malcolm (Frankie Muniz), and Dewey (Erik Per Sullivan). They also have an older brother Francis (Christopher Masterson) who has been sent away to Marlin Academy military school for his behavioral issues. Malcolm’s mother arranges a play date with Stevie Kenarban (Craig Lamar Traylor), a black kid in a wheelchair. Malcolm is unenthusiastic until he finds out that Stevie has a massive comic book collection. Malcolm also is tested at school, found to be a child genius, and forced against his will to move to a gifted class known as the Krelboyne class, where Stevie is also a student. A group of bullies led by Dave Spath (Vincent Berry) pick on Malcolm and others, but Malcolm stands up to him in the school yard and dodges a punch that ends up grazing Stevie. The kids turn against Spath for hitting a kid in a wheel chair. Malcolm’s first teacher is played by Merrin Dungey, while the teacher in his new class, Caroline Miller is played by Catherine Lloyd Burns. Will Jennings is Eraserhead. Landry Allbright is Julie Houlerman. Kristin Quick is Flora Mayesh. 3/1/14

• 002. Red Dress – 1/16/2000
  • Lois is excited to celebrate her 16th anniversary with Hal, wearing a new red dress that she had saved up for. As she’s getting ready, she finds the red dress charred and in the toilet. She’s not sure which of the three boys did it, so she things of various punishments and tortures to put them through to admit it. Malcolm seeks the advice of Francis via phone, as he and his friends monitor the situation from Marlin Academy. Meanwhile, Hal waits alone at the restaurant, gets drunk, and ends up having dinner with the bathroom attendant (Joel McCrary). Lois eventually realizes that Francis is on the phone, and he advises her to enjoy the anniversary and let the dress animosity go, which she does. When Hal returns home, he catches the couch on fire while smoking a pipe, implying that it was him who set fire to the dress. Paul Willson appears as neighbor Ed. David Anthony Higgins stars as Lois’ co-worker Craig Feldspar. Drew Powell is Drew. NOTE: After the pilot, it was decided that Malcolm’s family would have no last name, and was later referred to as “Nolastname.” 3/2/14
• 003. Home Alone 4 – 1/23/2004
  • Francis is home for a visit from military school, and Malcolm overhears his parents talking about the possibility of letting him stay home permanently. The verdict will be decided when the parents go off to a wedding of some members of Hal’s family – whom they barely know – and they see how Francis handles watching the other boys. Francis invites his friends over and they trash the house, but then attempt to get it back to standard when Francis learns what is riding on the outcome. As they are cleaning, Malcolm is injured by a falling bookshelf and needs to get stitches. He calls on Caroline to pay for it so his parents don’t find out. When his parents return, after ruining the wedding by making out during the ceremony, they are so pleased with how well things went, they decide that military school is doing wonders for Francis and that he will return. Todd Giebenhain is Richie. 4/12/14
• 004. Shame – 2/6/2000
  • Malcolm is picked on by a bully named Kevin (Robert Grovich) and finally attacks him in a fit of rage, only to learn that Kevin is only seven years old. Malcolm feels incredibly guilty and atones for it by running a race to raise money for disabled children, but falls flat on his face at the starting line. Meanwhile Francis tries to play a prank on Commandant Edwin Spangler (Daniel von Bargen) by substituting embarrassing photos of Spangler during a slide presentation on STDs. Spangler however figures out the prank and puts in embarrassing slides of Francis. Also, Hal decides to chop down a tree which angers the neighbors led by Ed. Karim Prince plays Stanley. 4/12/14
• 005. Malcolm Babysits – 2/13/2000
  • The Wilkerson house becomes infested with bugs and the family is forced to move into a small, hot trailer while it is being fumigated by workers Drew (Drew Powell) and Phil (Eric Stonestreet) – which causes friction between Hal and Lois. Malcolm finds that he is enjoying spending time with the Inkster family that hired him to babysit more than his own, but quits after finding out that they are using a Nannycam on him and recording the things he does wrong. Hal realizes that he is missing out on sex, so he buys gas masks so that the and Lois can go back in the house. Meanwhile, Francis and his friend Stanley find the master key to all of the rooms at Marlin Academy and stumble upon the rotting corpse of a former janitor. Mark Tymchyshyn and Joan McMurtrey are Mr. and Mrs. Inkster. Ashley Edner is Kelly.  7/12/14
• 006. Sleepover – 2/20/2000
  • Malcolm attends a sleepover at Stevie’s and when he find out how strict his mother is, he convinces him to sneak out to a video arcade. Stevie’s wheelchair is stolen so Malcolm has to push him home in a shopping cart. They find the thieves, retrieve the chair, and return home to find the house surrounded with police. Lois agrees to let Reese stay up late to watch a Chucky movie if he can get Dewey bathed and to bed. While they are busy, Hal convinces Lois to act on his fantasy whereby he portrays a cop. Reese ends up passing out, while Dewey stays up to watch the movie. After Stanley goes home for the weekend, Francis becomes the target of a group of bullies when he mouths off to them, thinking his friend Stanley would protect him. Their torture doesn’t phase him in light of what he has already faced at the hand of his mother. The gang changes their methods with others by berating them to tears. Gary Anthony Williams plays Stevie’s father Abe, Merrin Dungey, his mother Kitty. Arjay Smith is Finley. 7/12/14
• 007. Francis Escapes – 2/27/2000
  • Distraught at having his phone privileges revoked at school, due to running up his parents’ phone bill while making calls to his girlfriend Beebee (Lauren Hodges), Francis escapes school and hitchhikes home to see her. He ends up hiding behind the house at the creek and beckons Malcolm to see him, begging him for food. When Lois finds out that Francis has escaped, she invokes her wrath to scare Malcolm into telling her that’s he’s seen him – but he misdirects her to the park. Malcolm gets the message to Beebee, but when she shows up to see Francis, she breaks up with him. Dewey pelts Francis with rocks, convinced by Malcolm that he is Sasquatch. Lois doesn’t find Francis at the park, so she berates the other young couples there. Francis decides to head back to school, and Hal picks him up and gives him a lift. 9/6/14
• 008. Krelboyne Picnic – 3/12/2000
  • On Francis’ weekend at home, the family prepares to attend Malcolm’s Krelboyne picnic, dubbed an Academic Circus by Caroline – who dresses as a clown. Malcolm hopes to escape with Francis before he has to perform his academic ‘act,’ but Francis meets a girl named Jody (Katherine Ellis) and the two fall in love, go through a relationship cycle, and break up before the day is over. Lois clashes with domineering mother  Dorene (Beth Grant), which leads to a confrontational friendship. Reese sees the picnic as a good place to bully nerds, but it backfires when Eraserhead has an older brother (Mark Rickard) who hangs him on a fence by his underwear. Malcolm tries to create a stink bomb  which leads to a toxic explosion, while Hal smuggles in meat which makes everyone sick. Amidst the chaos, Caroline weeps and fears for her job, so Malcolm diverts everyone by performing his act: incredible feats of math. At first his family is awkwardly dumbfounded, which was Malcolm’s fear, but they end up just treating him like they always did. Kyle Sullivan is Dabney Hooper. Evan Matthew Cohen is Lloyd. 9/6/14
• 009. Lois vs. Evil – 3/19/2000
  • When the boys stop at the Lucky Aide to wait for their mother to get off work, Malcolm and Reese make a mess with the steam cleaner, while Dewey steals an expensive bottle of cognac. Lois makes him return it to the store, and her boss Mr. Pinter (Marc Vann) fires her for it. This causes financial hardship on the family, and causes Malcolm to blurt out that he is poor in front of his crush Julie Houlerman. She then organizes a food drive for the family much to his embarrassment. Hal eats some rotten canned peaches from the drive and has to be admitted to the hospital. Lois realizes that she must beg for her job back. When Pinter attempts to humiliate her, she spouts off all the shady things that Pinter has done within earshot of the other employees. He is forced to quit and Lois returns to work. Meanwhile, Francis gets a sweet gig with the Honor Guard at a beauty pageant. When the girls think he is gay, he plays it for all he’s worth and nearly convinces Tanya (Elise Horn) to help ‘convert’ him, which she does…but taking him to church. Rick Scarry is the preacher. 10/3/14 
• 010. Stock Car Races – 4/2/2000
  • Hal skips work and lets the boys play hooky when he takes them to the car races to see the last race of his hero Rusty Malcolm (whom Malcolm was named after). The boys get bored right away and go to get sodas. Dewey gets lost while Malcolm and Reese enter a restricted area, damage a pneumatic drill, and are arrested by Officer Karl (Joel McKinnon Miller). He is about to let them go when Reese punches him and they attempt to escape, but fail. Meanwhile at home, Lois can’t find her paycheck and while searching for it ends up finding hidden contraband from all the men of the house. Caroline stops by to report that Malcolm didn’t show up for school, and the two of them end up drinking together. At Marlin Academy, Francis is pummeled by his fellow cadets when Spangler punishes them all because Francis is caught smoking. Francis then sneaks in a large snake that he names Otis, that ends up eating Spangler’s dog Patton. Spangler punishes the entire floor again, but this time they cheer Francis because they hated the dog. Back at the races, Hal retrieves his boys from Officer Karl, then kicks him and they make their escape back home…where Lois has been patiently waiting to confront them all. 10/4/14
• 011. Funeral – 4/9/2000
  • Lois’ Aunt Helen has died and Lois is trying to get ready for the funeral. Malcolm feels guilty about wanting to skip out to go to a concert with Julie until he finds out that his mom actually hated her. Hal was hoping to stay home and play old records, but spends time trying to write a funny speech to give at the funeral. Dewey has a quiet friend who he names Egg (Alexander Gould) hanging around the house. Francis is angry that no one told him that Helen had died. Reese wants to go to the funeral to put a Mighty Man doll in the casket to prevent his mom from finding out that he smashed up one of Dewey’s birthday gifts. Lois eventually blows her top and decides that everyone can do what they want, her included, so she gets into a bubble bath. When Julie comes to pick up Malcolm, she sees him in his underwear, slips on Dewey’s mess, and slides into garbage, and then angrily leaves without taking him. Malcolm pleads for his mother to get back to life as normal and tells her about Mighty Man to take the wrath off of him. They end up going to the funeral where Reese stands in the corner, Malcolm tries to atone, and Lois gives Francis a play-by-play with a borrowed cell phone. 11/6/14
• 012. Cheerleader – 4/16/14
  • Malcolm finds Reese in the bathroom crying, and learns that he is crazy about a girl named Wendy (Lisa Lewolt), but doesn’t know how to spark her interest. Attempts at picking on her have failed, so he joins the school cheerleading team to be near to her, much to Malcolm’s embarrassment. He forces Malcolm to help him with the routines until he gets them down, but once she is impressed, he shows his immaturity again. Eventually he tells her how he feels while they are creating a human period; she reciprocates the feelings and they clasp hands…causing the entire pyramid to collapse. Meanwhile Spangler is at his wit’s end with Francis, so he privately tells him a long story about his childhood. Francis diagnoses him with having “mother” issues, and the two seemingly bond after talking. But Francis is ultimately told that “familiarity breeds contempt.” NOTE: Several scenes involving Dewey are filmed from his perspective, capturing the way that he sees and hears things. 11/6/14
• 013. Rollerskates – 4/30/2000
  • Malcolm has trouble playing street hockey without roller skates, so despite everyone’s warnings, he asks his dad to teach him to skate. Hal is very methodical in his teaching, not even allowing Malcolm wear his skates, while he teaches a combination skate/disco dance to him. Malcolm gets fed up and his argument escalates to Malcolm cussing at his father. Hal’s retaliation is to force Malcolm to recite a litany of foul-mouthed insults to his face. He continues teaching Malcolm, but during his first game with skates, he does poorly…until Hal turns on the disco music, at which time he becomes a skating prodigy. Meanwhile, Lois throws her back out yelling at Reese, who has to slip her pain medication into her food to get her to take it. At Marlin, Francis gets out of participating in a survival weekend by faking a back injury. When they catch him in his lie upon their return, they banish him to the woods tied to a chair for three days. Jose Espinoza is Jose. 12/10/14
• 014. The Bots and the Bees – 5/7/2000
  • Lois visits Francis in Alabama when he has an emergency appendectomy. Spangler adores her militant style even when she unleashes on him. The rest of the guys think she is amazing, much to Francis’ chagrin because he talked so bad about her. Francis asks her to leave but then feels bad and the two attend the Gay Rodeo together. Meanwhile at home, Hal has never been away from Lois and the wild side that she had tamed begins to come out. Hal commandeers Malcolm and the Krelboynes’ killer robot project that they were inspired to make after watching Battle Bots. Hal’s behavior gets so far off the hook, that Malcolm actually asks Craig for help. The robot shoots a colony of bees at him, which attach themselves and he is forced to stay calm and wait for Lois to return. 12/11/14
• 015. Smunday – 5/14/2000
  • At the end of their two month grounding for giving away Dewey’s bike in exchange for watching Francis’ friend Circus (Parker Mills) eat a dog food sandwich, the boys are ready to head off to school when a delirious-from-a-cold Lois thinks it is still Sunday. The boys try take advantage of her mistake and stay home from school, but find themselves bored to tears. They realize that their Mom will answer any of their questions honestly while in her state and they proceed to find out that Francis told on them about the bike. Meanwhile Francis has asked the boys to hide a letter reporting that he drove a back hoe into a swimming pool. They decide to pretend to show the note to Lois, and Francis sends over his goons lead by Richie to steal the note. Malcolm tricks them into thinking they have the note, when he has in fact given it to Dewey, who stupidly hides it under Lois’ pillow. She sees it and freaks out. The boys think if they make their Mom madder at them, she will forget about being angry at Francis and let him come home for the summer…which is why he told on them in the first place. They destroy their parents’ most prized possessions by sailing them on the room and landing them on top of the Porsche that Hal has spent all day looking at and had to be driven home in by the salesman (Peter Mackenzie) when he threw up in the car. The boys refuse to come down from the roof until Lois reveals what their punishment will be. 1/23/15
• 016. Water Park – 5/21/2000
  • The Wilkerson family takes a vacation day at the Wavetown USA water park, but Dewey has to stay home with babysitter Mrs. White (Bea Arthur). Lois and Hal are intent on enjoying their day, complete with smuggled-in rum, but they are continuously interrupted by Malcolm and Reese, who are engaged in a war pranking each other after Reese brings along the nose plugs for Malcolm that his mother makes him wear. Malcolm gets the ultimate revenge when he pulls down Reese’s trunks in front of a group of kids including his crush April (Amanda Fuller). Lois chases them to the top of the Liquidator water slide – of which Malcolm is terrified – and Malcolm ends up pushing her down it, earning Reese’s respect. Meanwhile at Marlin, Spangler finds out that Francis has been letting him win at pool and threatens to punish him severely if he doesn’t win the next series of games against him. Francis’ fellow students however threaten to make Francis’ life miserable if Spangler loses, fearing that he will take it out his anger on them. Francis and Spangler then end up in a war of who can lose the most games, but he earns Spangler’s respect by losing with flair. Dewey and the sternMrs. White end up bonding over their imaginary friends and their love of buttons. All is well until she is taken away in an ambulance and Dewey then follows a red balloon into the downtown area and ends up lost. NOTE: This episode is to be continued the following season. Eric Nenninger makes his first appearance as Eric Hansen. Kasan Butcher makes his first appearance as Joe. 1/23/15

SEASON 2

• 017. Traffic Jam – 11/5/2000
  • On the way home from the water park, Hal allows an obnoxious car to pass him and it gets into a fatal collision causing a massive traffic jam. Malcolm meets the girl of his dreams Jessica (Hallee Hirsh) who calls him out for always complaining. Reese gets into a battle with an ice cream man (Clyde Kusatsu) who won’t let him have any ice cream. He teams up with other kids and an adult to rob him of his ice cream. Lois tries to take control of the traffic situation and the incompetence of everyone to get it cleared away, but she ends up being called out as a control freak by the sheriff (Mark Christopher Lawrence). In anger she smashes a car window to free a dog in the heat, but it ends up attacking her. Hal has been questioning the meaning of his life after his life is spared in the accident by mere seconds. He ends up freeing a bird from a six-pack ring, but the dog kills it. The dog also takes away Reese’s ice cream and prevents Malcolm from getting the phone number of Jessica, who turns out to be from Canada. Meanwhile, Reese works his way back home by getting several rides from a farmer woman (Jayne Taini), a convenience store robber (Andy Mackenzie), a wedding party, and finally, a group of Hells Angels, who bring him home where he ultimately meets up with his family.  Francis gets into a contest with his fellow cadets to see if he can eat 100 Candy Quacks. He makes himself utterly sick by eating them, only to listen to his friends quickly move onto another argument. John Harrington Bland plays another sheriff. 3/12/15
• 018. Halloween Approximately – 11/8/2000
  • Since Francis missed Halloween, he returns home the weekend after the boys participate in their post-Halloween mischief by constructing a giant slingshot capable of firing disgusting things up to two blocks away. They make the most of it, but soon the Krelboyne kids hit back with all of their force, leaving the boys stranded on their roof to be mercilessly fired upon. Meanwhile Hal has a vendetta against a blue sport car that is speeding through the neighborhood. When the neighborhood committee or police won’t help, Hal constructs his own speed bump, which the car just seems to enjoy. Lois joins the fight when she sees the driver dump trash in the street. The follow the car and are ready to empty the tires when they find the car key under the carriage and end up taking the car. Twenty miles later they are considering running away from home using the names Raoul and Consuela, but soon the come to their senses and head home… but not before dumping the car into a swamp. Leslie David Baker is a police officer. 3/12/15
• 019. Lois’s Birthday – 11/12/2000
  • Lois gives her three youngest boys $30 to spend on her birthday gift and they end up spending most of it on candy for themselves. When Lois tells Hal about it, his major concern is that he too has forgotten her birthday. He attempts to steal the gift that Craig bought for her, just as she runs away from home, threatening to not come home until somebody cares. She ends up at the batting cages, where Hal and the kids go and present her with a clown and birthday cake that they bribed a father for. Hal admits that they’ll never be able to do things on their own, but pledge their obedience to her. When the clown insults Lois, it turns into a free-for-all between the Wilkersons and the clowns in the area, which pleases Lois finally. Meanwhile Francis meets a beautiful girl form Mozambique named Amaani (Blair Wingo) on his bus ride home. She leaves her tour group to be with him, but they don’t get very far because he talks about his mother too much. 5/31/15
• 020. Dinner Out – 11/15/2000
  • The Wilkersons get invited out to dinner by the Kenarbans, and Lois is anxious to strike up a friendship. Hal and Abe end up sneaking off from the table to drink at the bar, while Lois and Kitty sit there silently until Lois gets her to admit that she never lets off any steam. At the kids table, Reese has taken advantage of Steve’s passiveness and continues to punch him during the ‘circle game.’ Steve finally gets the best of Reese and hits him so hard that he knocks him down. Lois eventually gets Kitty to open up, and she ends up going overboard insulting Lois, Abe, Steve, and the waiter (James Henriksen). Meanwhile Francis takes of advantage of the fact that Spangler’s mother is coming for a visit and arranges to have a party with the local girls. But when the girls get out of hand, they need Spangler’s help to get them off the base, and also learn that Spangler is actually with a woman Melissa Marsala is Lorene. 5/31/15
• 021. Casino – 11/19/2000
  • The Wilkersons head out to an Indian reservation casino in the desert, but Hal quickly gets banned from gambling when he is caught using Malcolm to count cards by security (Michael Horse). He takes Reese and Malcolm on a hike to a ghost town, but they get lost and wind up on an artillery range where they have to dodge bullets and bombs. They are eventually caught and sent on their way by Major Hughes (Ajgie Kirkland). Back at the hotel Lois wins a couple’s spa treatment and uses Dewey as her other half. Back at home Francis has ditched school and planned to have a party at his parents’ house, but winds up bored when no one can come. Craig stops by and is caught by Francis trying on Hal’s robe… but they realize they can’t tell on each other, so they just spend the weekend together finding common ground. Sara Van Horn is Richie’s mother. 7/21/15
• 022. Convention – 11/22/2000
  • Hal and Lois head off to Hal’s work convention where they meet up with their friends Tom (Robert Curtis Brown) and Barbara (Alison La Placa). Hal has bad feelings for their co-worker Ted Keneally (Bruce Paul Barbour) because Ted has stolen one of Hal’s ideas. All through the convention, they cannot refrain from getting into a fist-fight. Meanwhile at home Malcolm and Reese have booby-trapped the house for their babysitter, but when they see that she is the beautiful Patty Henderson (Melody Perkins), they quickly undo what they’ve done. Reese and Malcolm engage in a competition to impress her, but the only one who can get any attention is Dewey, whom she plays with, bathes, and sleeps with. Patty has a crush on Francis and chats with him on the phone, but he only remembers her from her school days when she was fat and ends up blowing her off. Lois finally gets Hal to stop fighting by telling him that he can unleash his primal instincts on her back at their hotel. 7/21/15
• 023. Robbery – 11/26/2000
  • Two armed robbers (Dewey Weber, Maz Jobrani) hold Lois, Craig, and other workers hostage in the Lucky Aide until Craig, who has just been appointed Assistant Manager will open the safe. After refusing to open it, eventually he admits that management didn’t trust him with the combination. He also admits his love to Lois, who immediately crushes his hopes. One of the robbers makes an insulting remark to Craig, causing him to throw the safe, which then opens so the robbers can get away with the cash. Back at home, Hal brings home an armoire that he found in the trash to give to Lois as an anniversary gift. Unfortunately it is full of bats, which then take over the house. The men slowly rid the house of the bats, with Dewey assisting in capturing the final, most stubborn bat. Meanwhile Francis helps his fellow cadet Finley get over a lost love by taking him to a strip club and the a cock fight… which gets them all arrested. 10/17/15
• 024. Therapy – 11/29/2000
  • In the midst of Medieval Week in which he has to dress as a jester, Malcolm discovers that many of the Krelboyne kids are getting out of class to see school therapist Christie (Nancy Lenehan), making up his own fake conditions. Reese tries to get in on the scheme, which causes Christie to do a home visit with Lois. Malcolm cannot fake it in front of his Mom, but it does end up bringing some real issues to light. Meanwhile Lois forces Hal to help clean out a closet, where he stumbles on his old Skittle game. Dewey proves to be a ringer at it, and Hal is anxious to show him off… but Dewey throws the game when Hal tries to show him off. Hal and Lois eventually discover that the closet is actually a bathroom when they get it cleaned out. Meanwhile Francis takes over laundry duties, and does it so well that kids begin bribing him to do their civilian clothes. When his prices get too high, the cadets frame him for turning their clothes pink. 10/17/15
• 025. High School Play – 12/10/2000
  • In order to get out of class, Malcolm agrees to help the high schoolers with the play A Midsummer Night’s Dream, playing the silent changeling boy, but soon is cast in the lead as Puck when he can deliver the lines better than anyone else. He has to abandon his Krelboyne friends and their special project to do so. He soon becomes entrenched in the high school students constant gossip, which impairs his ability to deliver his lines. His role is taken over by his friend Lloyd, who was initially rooting for Malcolm’s failure. The Krelboynes get into trouble for their ‘secret project’ which turns out to be a rocket that causes Caroline to go into labor. Meanwhile Lois’ extra time allows her to get a massage at the grocery store from Mr. Li (Arsenio Trinidad), and she quickly becomes addicted. Hal spends time with Dewey creating a LEGO city in the living room, but becomes concerned when Dewey becomes a ruthless dictator within it. When Lois’s massages come to an end, she grumpily trips when she comes home and destroys the city. Francis protests Spangler’s tyrannical removal of all of the students’ personal items by growing his own flower… which Spangler promptly snips without a second thought. Busy Philipps is Megan. Octavia Spencer is the cashier. Natasha Melnick is Amber. Richard Topol is Mr. Grieb. 12/20/15
• 026. The Bully – 12/17/2000
  • Reese is the star of the wrestling team until he is beaten by a girl, at which point he decides to re-evaluate his life, stop bullying, and only do good. While his good deeds always end in disaster, Malcolm and his friends start finding that without Reese as the ‘alpha bully’ they are getting bullied more often by more kids. Malcolm in particular takes the brunt as kids who had been the butt of his sarcastic remarks start to take revenge once they learn that Reese will not be retaliating against them. Eventually the kids talk Reese into returning to his bullying ways. Meanwhile Francis desperately wants to come home for his birthday to avoid the shaving of all hair on his body that he will get as part of the Marlin tradition. When he injures his hand and winds up at the doctor, he meets a beautiful nurse (Susan Yeagley) who invites him to spend the evening with her. However his parents have felt bad and sent a cookie package, tipping his friends off to his birthday. Francis heads out on his date with hair and eyebrows applied by a magic marker. Eriq Marquette is ‘Braveheart’. 12/20/15
• 027. Old Mrs. Old – 1/7/2001
  • While playing in the street, Malcolm hits a tennis ball into grouchy neighbor Mrs. Griffin’s (Florence Stanley) yard, and while trying to retrieve it from her, accidentally breaks her arm in the scuffle. Malcolm’s punishment is to go over to her house every day after school and do chores for her, most of which disgusts him endlessly. When Mrs. Griffin takes her medicine along with alcohol and passes out, Malcolm calls the Krelboynes over to get into mischief in her house, culminating in them going for a joy ride in her car. When Malcolm’s mom spots him driving her car, Mrs. Griffin lies and tells her that Malcolm had to drive her to the hospital because of an emergency… and that Malcolm now wants to come over and help her before school as well. Meanwhile Francis’s friend Richie gets sent to Marlin Academy after Lois suggests military school to Richie’s mother. Francis and the other guys can’t understand why Richie isn’t being disciplined by Spangler, until Spangler finally reveals that he knows the special treatment will irritate the other cadets so much that they will ‘take care’ of Richie themselves. Although Francis tries to warn Richie what is happening, Richie doesn’t listen… and ultimately get pummeled. Dewey mangles his bookbag and begins using one of Lois’s old purses, which Reese desperately tries to put a stop to for Dewey’s own good. He eventually witnesses Dewey getting picked on because of the purse, but then sees Dewey take down his assailants with the purse… which has a brick in it. 2/22/16
• 028. Krelboyne Girl – 1/14/2001
  • A new quirky girl named Cynthia Sanders (Tania Raymonde) joins the Krelboyne class. Malcolm becomes friends with her and they become lab partners, while he finds himself alternately attracted to and repulsed by her. Cynthia follows him home one day and Lois invites her to stay for dinner, during which Reese continually makes cracks about her being Malcolm’s girlfriend. Eventually Malcolm can’t take the pressure and tells her that he doesn’t want to be lab partners any longer, but feels so bad that he resorts to throwing a brick through her window. Cynthia’s father (Fred Sanders) isn’t very understanding, although Lois spouts off all the reasons that young teens do crazy things when their hormones are out of control. Malcolm attempts to kiss Cynthia but he can’t get all of the things his mother said out of his head. Meanwhile Hal lies to Spangler to give Francis an alibi for destroying Spangler’s car so that he won’t get caned by ‘Old Hickory’. Hal feels so guilty that he drives up to Marlin to tell Francis that his mother was going to let him come home, but Hal decided against it. Hal’s presence alerts the other cadets that the wrong person has taken the rap for what Francis did. In order to talk Dewey into getting rid of his stuffed animal Domingo, Lois tells him about the germs that the animal carried. Dewey goes overboard with his fear of germs and begins cleaning everything and wearing protective gear. Lois ends up eating a bug to show Dewey that she had exaggerated about the germs. 2/22/16
• 029. New Neighbors – 1/21/2001
  • After the family has driven out previous neighbors, new ones move in and invite Malcolm and his family over for a cookout. Lois and Tina (Robin Riker) become immediate enemies of the disciplining of Tina’s kids, Josh (Michael Welch) tells constant lies about Malcolm, Emily (Dakota Fanning) won’t stop biting Reese, and the garden gnome seems to be threatening Dewey. However Hal and Mike (Gregory Jbara) hit it off right away and become best friends. As the war between the families escalates, Hal and Mike have to sneak time together. After Josh reports Malcolm as a peeping tom and gets the police (Denalda Williams) involved, Reese and Malcolm try to plan stolen goods on Josh, resulting in finding Tina naked in their hot tub with their gardener Hector (Christopher DerGregorian). Mike and Tina split up and move away, and Hal is resistant to meeting the new neighbor Steve Jenkins (Zack Phifer). Meanwhile Spangler tries to prepare his men for a visit from Oliver North, coaching them through a choir version of Candyman to impress him. Spangler ends up getting nervous about the visit and passing out drunk, missing it entirely. Francis comforts Spangler and tells him that he and North had an drinking all-nighter and that they became best friends. 5/20/16
• 030. Hal Quits – 2/4/2001
  • When Hal is grilled by Dewey’s classmates during career day, Hal decides to take a leave of absence from his job and try to create the perfect painting in the basement. Meanwhile Francis is home from Marlin on Spring Break and gets a temporary job at Lucky Aide taking inventory for Craig along with misfits Randall (Thomas Crawford), Janic (Shaun Toub), and Garkech (Bob Clendenin), who can’t speak English. The family notices how much more happy and helpful Hal is at home, but he is in turmoil trying to create his painting, splashing gallon after gallon of paint on the canvas. Malcolm doesn’t want to suffer the same fate as his father in his career, so he takes a job placement test and finds out the results from Mr. Young (Kurt Fuller) that he would be great in any job, causing Malcolm to dream about working every imaginable job there is. Hal has a meltdown trying to perfect the painting, and resorts to stealing money from Francis to buy more paint. Francis finds Craig completely incompetent, but wants to finish the job so that it all has meaning, but the rest of the staff walks out on the job. With the encouragement of his family, Hal manages to perfect the painting… right before the layers of paint collapse on top of him. Hal returns to work, and Malcolm just decides to enjoy being a kid and stop worrying about his career. Steffani Brass is Eliza. 5/20/16
• 031. The Grandparents – 2/11/2001
  • Lois’s abrasive parents Victor (Robert Loggia) and Ida (Cloris Leachman) come for a visit. They are salty to everyone, but agree to loan Hal the money to replace their refrigerator which has died after years of abuse. However after Hal busy the appliance, Victor tells him he has changed his mind about loaning money. Malcolm tries to gain the acceptance of his grandmother, but she ends up causing him to get beat up by some neighborhood bullies. Dewey is scared of them after they were careless with him as a baby. Reese on the other hand has bonded with his grandfather, but when he gives Reese some ammunition from the war, Reese pulls the pin on a live grenade. Malcolm throws it into the new refrigerator and it blows up. Lois rages at her parents, but then pulls back… while Hal sits them down and tells them that he is blackmailing them for $3000 or that he will turn them in for child endangerment. Meanwhile Francis and his friends take a trip to New Orleans for Mardi Gras, but he gets sick from eating sushi at a rest stop. He tries to force himself to have fun, but he can’t get out of bid. Finally he refuses to go back until he gets some action, so the overweight maid (Joyce Fessides) shows him her breasts to get him to leave. Matthew Dunn is young Dewey. Bobby Brewer is the bully. 8/21/16
• 032. Traffic Ticket – 2/18/2001
  • Lois runs afoul of a Officer Stockton (Sam McMurray) when she refuses to give him free product at the store, which Craig has already been doing. The officer pulls her over as she leaves work and issues a ticket for pulling out in front of a Volkswagon, and when he runs her background check, finds that she has 18 unpaid tickets leading to her arrest. After Hal bails her out, she confronts Francis and demands that he pay back over $700 for having been the one who received the tickets. She blows her stack and demands a court hearing to prove that she did nothing wrong and that Stockton is actually corrupt. Malcolm views the security tape and sees that she did in fact pull out in front of the car. He is scared to confront her with it, so Hal finally shows her the tape. She still cannot admit she was wrong, but Hal finally is able to convince her that for once she is actually wrong. She then begins to question every accusation she makes against the boys, and feeling beaten, she tells Francis to use the money he’s already earned – by performing a stunt and breaking his leg – to come home for a visit. Craig then shows up with the security tape from the Mini Mart across the street, which shows that the Volkswagon actually did a u-turn and nearly hit Lois, meaning that she was in the right after all. Hal destroys the tape and he and the boys threaten Craig to never tell her what he saw. 8/23/16
• 033. Surgery – 2/25/2001
  • A lingering stomach ache lands Malcolm in the hospital where he is slated to have his appendix removed. Coping with Dr. Harrison (Steven Gilborn) and his group of med students, an over zealous German tyrant of a nurse named Helmut (Torsten Voges), and being thrown into the children’s ward, he demands another blood test. Meanwhile his family become addicted to playing the board game March and Conquer, which Malcolm usually destroys them at. At first they a lot of fun, but then become too competitive and throw the game aside. Francis organizes a hunger strike when Spangler takes away their TV. Spangler taunts the boys by bringing in an omelet bar, and finally gives into their demands… but since Francis is so delirious from hunger, he happily walks away with only Spangler’s hat. Helmut eventually forces Malcolm to be put under, but when the doctors go to operate, they find his blood stats written on his stomach along with a threat of a malpractice suit. Dr. Harrison finally calls for another test, then calls off the surgery… leaving behind a hefty bill that will eat into the family’s vacation, all for nothing. Javier Grajeda is the anesthesiologist. Chase Ellison is the little boy.  11/7/16
• 034. Reese Cooks – 3/4/2001
  • When Reese shaves a neighbor’s head, Hal and Lois realize that their punishments are no longer getting through to him. Hal decides to spend more time with him, so the two take a cooking class together. Soon the instructor (Miriam Flynn) recognizes Reese’s talent and enthusiasm for cooking, and Reese soon begins cooking at home. However when it comes time for the quiche cooking contest, Reese still feels the need to cheat and sabotage the other class members’ food. The only punishment that works with him is to take away his cooking privileges. Meanwhile Cynthia enthusiastically organizes a ‘Be My Friend’ party, although a tainted Malcolm fears she will end up getting hurt when she starts inviting everyone in and out of the school. When he shows her the graffiti that other kids have written about it her, she realizes how much of a loser she is and cancels the party. Malcolm feels horrible and goes to her house to apologize for the way he told her, but much to his surprise kids start showing up to the party anyway and it turns out to be huge. At Marlin Eric tries to get Francis to do his half of a team history project, but everything in sight distracts him from completing it, including organizing an insect race, unraveling his sweater, and attending Cynthia’s party the night before it is due. Ashlee Simpson appears as a high school girl. 11/7/16
• 035. Tutoring Reese – 3/11/2001
  • Francis is home for Spring Break, but is kicked out of the house when he refuses to help shingle the roof since Hal is scared of heights, and is forced to live in the freezing, uncomfortable basement where his friend Richie lives. Meanwhile Reese’s teacher Mr. Woodward (Dave Allen) warns Reese’s parents that he will have to put him into remedial classes if his grades don’t improve. Lois assigned Malcolm to tutor him, and although it is very trying Reese starts to make some progress, but still fails his paper. Lois doubles down on the threats, so Malcolm and his Krelboyne friends help Reese cheat by taking his test… and Reese still fails. Malcolm confronts Woodward and starts to believe that the teacher really does have it in for Reese because he reminds him of bullies he used to have. When Lois finds this out and threatens Woodward with his job, and Woodward sees Francis begging to be let in the house, he kowtows to Lois’s demands. To make up for their discretions, Francis, Reese, Malcolm and Woodward all help in re-shingling the roof. Dewey befriends a fly and names it Tony. E.J. Callahan is the homeless man. 2/14/17
• 036. Bowling – 4/1/2001
  • The story follows two separate timelines, alternating between the two depending on whether Hal or Lois takes Malcolm and Reese to the bowling alley to bowl with a group of friends including both of their crushes Beth Ballard (Alex McKenna), while the other parent staying home with Dewey, who is being punished for killing a neighbor’s parakeet and sent to bed early. In the scenario with Lois taking the boys, she is overbearing and insists on chaperoning, making a laughing stock of Malcolm, while inadvertently keeping Reese from telling an annoying joke that gets Beth furious at him. Things seem to be going rotten for Malcolm and great for Reese, but when Beth witnesses Reese antagonizing Malcolm when he has a meltdown at the alley, Beth ends up shunning Reese and giving Malcolm a passionate kiss. At home Hal is tricked by Dewey into falling asleep and has the run of the house. In the scenario with Hal taking the boys, he quickly abandons the teens and goes and bowls his own near-perfect game at the other end of the alley. Reese quickly blows it with Beth by telling an offensive joke and ends up being beaten up by a teen (David Bonfadini) he hit with a bowling ball, while Malcolm and Beth hit it off tremendously, and Malcolm bowls like a pro. They sneak behind the pins to try to kiss, but Malcolm is pulled up by the pinsetter and consequently blows Hal’s game. At home Lois doesn’t miss one of Dewey’s tricks, but ultimately lets him watch a little TV before going back to bed. In each scenario, the parent returns home saying that the next time the opposite parent will take the boys. Peter Breitmayer and Garret Davis are bowlers. Curtis Anderson is the pizza delivery guy. 2/15/17
• 037. Malcolm vs. Reese – 4/22/2001
  • Francis is home – and bored – so he buys two Rage in the Cage wrestling tickets and forces both Malcolm and Reese to suck up to him in order to ‘win’ the ticket to go with him. Meanwhile Dewey is put in charge of watching Craig’s cat Jellybean when he goes to a comic convention. Dewey quickly allows Jellybean to escape, so Hal suggests leaving the window open, leading to Craig’s house being robbed. The competition escalates between Malcolm and Reese as they then attempt to get each other grounded, while continuing to serve Francis. Hal tries to help Dewey find the cat, but ends up drugging an entire houseful of cats. When Francis catches Reese beating himself up and Malcolm destroying his own expensive microscope, he then informs them that he met a girl named Carly (Cerina Vincent) who likes wrestling and that he’s taking her. His brothers get even by reporting their Mom’s car stolen, removing Francis’s drivers license, and tying themselves up in the trunk… leading to his arrest. Lois tries to assist with the cat situation and ends up burning down Craig’s house, leading to him moving in the family. Hal ‘shows’ Lois a tape of bloopers from the show. Antony Holiday and Randy McPherson are cops. 5/31/17
• 038. Mini-Bike – 4/29/2001
  • Hal heads off to a father-son weekend at Marlin, leaving Craig the ‘man of the house’. Dewey spots a mini-bike in the trash, so Reese bribes the garbage man (Clement Blake) for it. Malcolm fixes it up and then the boys argue over the schedule of the bike they intend to share. Lois puts a stop to the argument, when she refuses to let them have the bike. Malcolm and Dewey almost have her over the ropes when they find a picture of her riding a horse as a young girl. However Reese takes the bike out and breaks his leg, so their argument becomes moot. Meanwhile Hal tries to find some evidence that Francis is advancing in school, and is utterly disappointed. Craig continues to drive Lois crazy but she keeps reminding herself that they burnt down his house. Malcolm is able to solve both problems by making it seem as if Craig ran over Reese’s leg. Although Lois later admits that she had found the broken bike, getting rid of Craig made it a wash. Hal realizes that Francis is always getting in trouble for challenging Spangler’s abuse of authority and suddenly becomes proud of him. Brian Noonan is Drew’s father. Chip Heller and Weston Blakesley is Eric’s father. Eric A. Payne is Joe’s father Phil. Brianna Deutsch is Reese’s fantasy girl. 5/31/17
• 039. Carnival – 5/6/2001
  • The Tri County Carnival is in town and despite being grounded, the boys tell their parents they’re spending the night with Stevie, while Stevie tells them that he’s staying with Malcolm, so they can all go to the carnival. Dewey finds out and threatens to tell if they don’t take him. Hal and Lois don’t ask many questions as it gives them a chance to be home alone for an intimate night. The boys don’t make it to the carnival until it is about ready to close, thanks to Dewey having to use the restroom and gets off the bus at an earlier stop. They force a carnie (Joe J. Garcia) to let them in the haunted house as its closing and end up getting stuck inside. By the time they get out, the carnival is empty and locked up, save for Phil (Mike Grief), a mean and drunk security guard who chases them through the park and finally captures Stevie. Meanwhile Stevie’s parents stop by Hal’s house to say goodnight and not only catch Hal and Lois naked, but find out that they’ve all been lied to; they together go in search of the boys. Dewey ends up engaging the sideshow freaks led by Gorak (Steven Ira Schafer) to convince Phil to let Stevie go. He eventually gives in, just as the parents arrive to escort the boys home. Matthew McGrory is Lothar. April Tatro is the contortionist. Martin Klebba is the midget barker. Barbara and Nancy Arsenault are the Siamese Twins. Joan Blair is the bearded lady. Lawrence Calvin is the dog-faced boy. 1/23/18
• 040. Evacuation – 5/13/2001
  • The family gets a new couch and Hal takes Dewey to the junkyard to dispose of the old one, but it ends up falling off the top of the car, landing on train tracks, and de-railing a train causing toxic chemicals… which causes the entire neighborhood to be evacuated to the school gymnasium. Since Malcolm didn’t come home in time to help unload the couch, he is grounded, and punishment carries over to the gym. Hal feels so guilty about the couch that he tries to atone for it by being helpful to everyone in the gym. While Reese steals the plastic cups, and barters upward until he is running a black market on the necessities, Dewey tells everyone he lost his parents to the toxic chemicals so they will give him candy. When Hal gets wind that there is a ‘toxic orphan’ in their midst, he tries to collect for him. It soon is made known that Dewey is Hal’s son, that Hal caused the train wreck, and that Reese is holding necessities hostage, causing the Captain James (Casey Sander) to throw them outside. Malcolm is so embarrassed by his mother not letting him leave his cot that he finally rebels, causing Lois to actually spank him in public… and causing herself to get thrown out as well. As they all beg Malcolm to let them in, Malcolm maintains that he cannot leave his cot. Meanwhile Eric forces Francis to double date with him so that while he’s trying to score with Laura (Reagan Dale Neis), Francis can entertain her 12-year old sister Didi (Cristina Kernan), who is a brat at first, then ends up with a lot in common with Francis, who has a great time and learns some life advice from her. Heather McPhaul is Doris. Brian Tahash is Roy. John Harnagel is Jerry. Linda Porter is Audrey. John Maynard is the father. Elizabeth Regan is the waitress. Tom Ayres is the trucker. Kim Delgado is the newsman. Shannon Whirry is the woman. Katya Abelski is the little girl. 1/24/18
• 041. Flashback – 5/20/2001
  • Lois thinks she might be pregnant, which leads to a big fight between them as they blame each other. Dewey is worried about the fighting, so he tries to get reassurance from Francis, Reese, and Malcolm… but they all insist it will work out. Through flashbacks, we are shown Francis being born as Lois and Reese are about to get married by a priest (David Doty). They bring the baby home to their opulent apartment and Hal promptly loses him inside the closet, leading to a minor fight. Next we see Lois pregnant with Reese, being driven crazy by 3-year old Francis (Tyler Ryan). When Lois demands that Hal work less, he is quickly demoted by his boss (Gregory Ross). Lois pushes impossibly hard to get Reese out of her, much to the doctor’s (Stuart Pankin) amazement. As Malcolm nears birth, the family moves to their current home in the suburbs. As Hal tries to teach 2-year old Reese (Connor M. Morrison) in advanced education, he ignores helping Lois move into the house. Reese appears to absorb nothing… while it is obvious that the unborn Malcolm is becoming smarter. When they get in a huge fight, Hal leaves for a drive, and Lois goes into labor, ultimately delivering Malcolm on the front lawn.  While pregnant with Dewey,  the fights between Hal and Lois continue to escalate as the 4-year old Malcolm (Cody Estes), 6-years old Reese (Austin Wolff), and 9-year old Francis (Scott Berkhausen) are causing one disaster after another… ultimately driving them out of the house in a rain storm, where Lois once again goes into labor. She decides that they need to day seven nice things to each other in order to cope with the stresses of life. This works then, and also works back in the present day, where the couple have been administering a pregnancy test… and finding that Lois is not pregnant after all. Wesley Blakesley is the cabbie. Cheryl Carter is the jogger. Easton Gage is 5-year old Francis. Doug Cox is the neighbor. Robert R. Shafer is the police officer. 9/29/18

SEASON 3

• 042. Houseboat – 11/11/2001
  • Malcolm’s family gets ready for their vacation on the Kenarbans’ houseboat. While shopping for supplies, Hal gets stuck outside of the dressing room after accidentally grabbing a woman’s (Stella Bach) butt. Because Malcolm is flirting with a girl (Whitney Laux), he ignores his father’s plea for help and gets arrested by a security guard (Lawrence C. Mandley). Hal won’t speak to Malcolm, until Malcolm finally breaks him down as they first board the boat. It turns out Hal has only been quiet because he thought he might spill the beans about a gift he bought for Malcolm: a new fishing pole. Malcolm, Reese, and Stevie discover that there is a Spirit Camp on a nearby island with a bunch of flirty cheerleaders. Malcolm is stuck fishing with his father while Reese and Stevie sneak off and get action with the girls. When Malcolm discovers that the girls’ bathing suit tops and Reese’s shirt are floating by in the lake, he knocks his father overboard and heads directly to the island. Meanwhile Dewey gets a horrible sunburn while stuck on a rope, and then is left on a buoy by Reese so he and Stevie can visit the girls. Stevie’s parents being fighting in the privacy of their room, even though Hal and Lois can hear every word. Lois encourages Kitty to make up with Abe, and when thinks their fighting has gone too far, she enters the room… only to find them in the throes of passion. Malcolm and Reese are sentenced to chores when they get home. At Marlin, Cadet Eric had turned eighteen and tells Francis he’s quitting school and heading off to Alaska. Francis asks his mother if he can do the same but she refuses. In his anger he slams the phone down, causing a trophy case to fall on top of him and injure him. Spangler has no sympathy and orders Francis to fix the case. Francis visits a lawyer (Scott Adsit) and has himself legally emancipated from his parents. NOTE: This episode is to be continued. Brooke Anne Smith is Tracy. Shannon Marie Woodward is Tammy. Matthew Morgan Scott is the sales guy. 9/29/18
• 043. Emancipation – 11/14/2001
  • Spangler thanks Francis for keeping his drive alive by being such a screw-up and presents him with a sword as he leaves, but Francis accidentally cuts off Spangler’s other hand with it. Arriving home to have closure with his parents regarding moving to Alaska, Francis is attacked by his father and completely ignored by his mother. She will have nothing to do with him despite his and Hal’s pleas that they discuss it rationally. Even when Francis lets the air out of her tire, she drives off rather than discussing it with him, choosing instead to take it out on the other boys by making them check out their shoes like books in a library. Meanwhile the Krelboyne class meets their new teacher Lionel Herkabe (Chris Eigeman), a former Krelboyne himself who lost his fortune and is now resorting to teaching. Despite the class’s optimism, he turns out to be a jerk and pits them against each other by ranking their A’s, placing Malcolm at the top. This results in a competition among the classmates to be the absolute best. Malcolm rejects this idea and convinces them to all botch the next exam since Herkabe can’t rank zeros. Malcolm receives his F, but since the other class doesn’t follow suit, this places Malcolm at the bottom. Now angry, Malcolm doubles his efforts and works his way back to the top of the class, while the rest of the class goes insane, running outside and stripping to their underwear. Lois finally decides to hear out Francis as he is leaving, but Francis only lays a huge blame on her telling her that ‘this is what you get.’ Reese starts high school and teaches the grades school class bully Gus (Bryan Burke) some of his bullying tricks. Victor Z. Isaac debuts as Kevin. Mary Pat Gleason is the woman who gives Reese a ride home. 7/7/19
• 044. Book Club – 11/18/2001
  • Lois joins a book club and has Hal watch the boys so she can attend. He is worried he and the boys will screw up, and has internal struggles with himself – in various sizes – as to how strict or lenient to be. After nearly driving himself and the boys crazy, he finally retires to the bath and trust them to behave. They promptly head outside to dig up fireworks that they’ve buried. Meanwhile Lois finds that not one of the ladies in the book club have read the work, but merely get together to drink and complain about their lives. As they get more drunk, they blame all of their issues on over-achieving mother Lillian Miller (Antoinette Byron), and head out to sabotage her car to make her late for the car pool. She catches them in the act and pulls a gun on them and gets the police in pursuit of them. Her new friend Karen (Amy Farrington) distracts the cops so that Lois can return to her family, where she finds the boys with the fireworks, sending her into a drunken meltdown as the police helicopters close in. Francis hitchhikes toward Alaska and winds up in a rig with a man named Roy (Jim O’Heir), who makes Francis dress up in strange outfits and sing out the window under threat of kicking him out. When they arrive at a diner, Francis sees other guys dressed like him, since apparently there is some sort of pageant going on in town. Edie McClurg is Julie. Other book club members include Jodi Carlisle, Sharon Omi, and Jennifer Echols. 7/7/19
• 045. Malcolm’s Girlfriend – 11/28/2001
  • Malcolm has been crushing hard on a girl named Sara Coleman (Alessandra Torresani), and when he is told by her friend Holly (Marcella Lentz-Pope) that she likes him too, this sets him up for everything he always wanted: his first girlfriend. Lois is dead set against this, but Malcolm takes every opportunity to make out with her whenever possible. However he isn’t prepared for the confusion and jealous that also comes with relationships. Soon his grades begin to suffer as he begins to question every thing she says and every movement she makes. Reese tries to advise him to turn his brain off, but he becomes so jealous of a foreign exchange student talking to her that he fights him and a teacher at the same time, leading to suspension. Sara finally breaks it off with him when he suggest that she carry a pager so he can track her every move. Meanwhile Francis is arrested in a small town for stealing a doughnut out of a dumpster, and soon he becomes obsessed with the drama being played out by Sheriff Chad (Terry Rhoads), his wife Vanessa (Karen Lorre), his deputy Brock (Colin Ferguson) and his other deputy (Jack Impellizzeri). He and his cellmate Zadoc (Jonathan Jones) become obsessed with proceedings and when Francis is released, he doesn’t want to leave. Dewey meets a new friend named Ronnie DeMarco (Logan O’Brien), and advises his mother (Cristine Rose) on how to throw his birthday party, using all of Dewey’s personal favorites: cowboys and a bounce house. Ronnie considers the party ruined, but when Malcolm in his depressed state after breaking up enters the bounce house to be a kid again and winds up puncturing it, Ronnie is quite amused. Dillon John Dailidonis is young Reese. Malcolm David Kelly and Charlie Stewart are kids at the party. 2/28/20
• 046. Charity – 12/2/2001
  • Lois signs up the boys to do volunteer work for the poor, and when their new boss Mrs. Potts (Bette Rae) assigns them to organize the donations, they realize that the items donated for the poor are nicer than their own clothes. Soon they start trading their own items for the donations… then selling them to their friends and making a profit. Their share of the profit keeps becoming larger and larger. Meanwhile Francis arrives in Alaska for his logging job, but his new boss Lavernia (Brenda Wehle) assigns him to do menial tasks for the loggers. He meets up with his friend Eric, who breaks down in tears because of the misery he has been put through. Lavernia keeps a ledger of all of the money that her workers owe, which greatly cuts into their paychecks. Francis and Eric plot to steal it from her storage cage, but wind up locked inside, where they eat so much food, they realize they’ll be indebted for years to come. The boys suddenly become fearful of what God will think about their latest operation, so they confess to their father. Scared of Lois’s reaction, he tries to help them return everything to church, but when his car breaks down, he needs to unload some of the merchandise on the street. A cop (Randy Thompson) arrests them, and they spend a few hours in jail. Hal plots to run away to Omaha, but Lois eventually talks him into coming back home, where she has given away all of the boys’ belongings to the charity. Malcolm feels he is now on the right side of God. Sandy Ward is Francis and Eric’s roommate Pete. Richard Gross is Logger Dave, the logger who can’t say no to $8 muffins. Terry Woodberry is Bill, and Marsha Kramer is Toni, a pair of Hal’s street customers. 2/29/20
• 047. Health Scare – 12/9/2001
  • With Hal facing a potentially dangerous health scare following a biopsy, Lois becomes particularly with the boys. She blows off Dewey when he brings home his class hamster Bernard and promptly loses him. When Reese and Malcolm drag mud into the kitchen, she blows her top and grounds them and confines them to their room. This will mean they will miss Christine and Gina Macton’s party which will be full of Catholic girls who like to French kiss. Malcolm shows Reese a way to sneak out that he’s been saving, by going through the closet floorboards and climbing through the crawl space. Dewey eventually finds Bernard and takes him for a walk in his ball, all the while pretending he is the one in the ball. When he runs into his classmate Lance who will have Bernard the next week, Dewey decides he wants to keep the hamster. Reese and Malcolm do in fact sneak out to the party and create dummies of themselves with mask and balloon heads, but this is their undoing when Hal comes in to have a heart-to-heart with them and freaks out when one of their ‘heads’ pops. They get caught and punished severely and, in their anger, Malcolm tells them that he says they wish they were dead, causing Lois to slink off in tears. Meanwhile in Alaska, Francis insults Lavernia after she criticizes his painting job, and she challenges him to a fight. Try as he may, he can’t get out of it because the guys in town vow to have a Coward’s Cotillion if he doesn’t show up, and when he tries to apologize and make amends with Lavernia she accuses him of making a pass at her. They end up fist fighting and knocking each other out. Dewey sets Bernard free and creates a fake hamster to return to school. Malcolm and Reese are flabbergasted by their parents behavior and assume they are getting a divorce. They are okay with it and tell them that they support the notion… until Lois, who has just found out that the biopsy has come back negative, tells them that she will be the one getting custody. John Ennis is Artie. Bart McCarthy is Fittsy. Christopher Michael Moore is Elroy. Adam Cagley is Lance. Charles Emmett is an Alaskan worker. 6/10/20 
• 048. Christmas – 12/16/2001
  • Christmas is nearing and Lois is fed up with the boys ruining each and every holiday with fighting and rough house destruction. When they end up getting in an ornament fight, Lois blows her top and takes all of the gifts into the garage and says if they can’t behave until Christmas, then she will return the gifts and they won’t have a Christmas. The boys go the extra mile to be on their best behavior including not fighting and offering to do chores. Hal tries to keep them in line because he desperately wants to have Christmas. He even brings home an attractive looking wrapped gift for Lois, but she just adds it to the other gifts in the garage. As she is feeling guilty for threatening to take away Christmas, the boys are sowing the seeds of rebellion so that Lois can’t threaten to take away holidays anymore. They go to the garage and paint nasty graffiti about Santa, and open all the gifts. However they soon feel guilty when they see that their Mom got them everything they wanted. They attempt to re-wrap the gifts, but as they are doing so, Lois and Hal go to the garage to bring the gifts back in. Lois decides to play the denial game and pretend that they boys were just there to be helpful and were planning to help carry the gifts back in the house. They wind up having their best Christmas ever. Meanwhile Lois convinces Francis to go see his grandmother Ida (Cloris Leachman), who is the most miserable woman on the face of the Earth. She hates Christmas music, throws Rice Krispy treats at carolers, and stabs Francis with her knitting needle when he keeps opening a Christmas card that plays music. Still Francis feels sorry for her being alone and decides to help her clean up the house. He finds that she has an entire closet full of gifts that she had bought for family but never gave to them because of feeling slighted for various different reasons. He tells her she is crazy for wanting to give gifts conditionally, but she only mocks him. He finally leaves and plants various musical cards around her house for her to have to track down and destroy. 6/11/20
• 049. Poker – 1/6/2002
  • Hal is thrilled when Abe invites him to poker night with his friends, even though it means Lois has to give him permission to skip the dancing class that Hal gifted her. Hal meets the friends who are all black, Brian (Edward James Gage), Steve (Jonathan Craig Williams), Trey (Alex Morris), and Malik (Dan Martin), and starts to feel that they are ganging up on him. Meanwhile Stevie is doing a video report on Malcolm trying to come up with ideas for his report. When Malcolm gets tired of being filmed, he decides to do his report on Stevie doing his report on him. This leads to an argument between them, and causes Hal to take Malcolm’s side because he is angry with Abe about the game. Abe takes issue with this and confronts Hal. They try to settle the dispute by playing poker between just the two of them, but it quickly becomes Malcolm vs. Stevie. Eventually they realize that they are both angry over nothing and make up and continue to be best friends. Lois takes Reese to dancing class in Hal’s absence, and Lois becomes smitten with the teacher Rudy (Harry Groener), who seem to favor her as they dance divinely all over the floor. The rest of the group are elderly and soon the women start paying Reese to dance with them. Reese becomes loaded and buys Dewey a highly desire toy, just so he can smash it in front of him. Dewey gets revenge by video taping Reese with the women. Lois sees the video, which seems to show that she is actually completely clumsy dancer, which she now knows is the reason that Rudy says she needs to move on to a more advanced class. Hal however is smitten by seeing her dance in the video. Francis and his roommates go stir crazy when they are locked up for a week in a cabin amidst a bad storm. The fight over a string that somehow entertains them, and when the string disappears they hold a trial and find Eric guilty of stealing or losing it. Just when they are ready to brand him with a hot iron, Lavernia tells them that the storm has ended. Norma Michaels is Ethel. Vivian Smallwood is Althea. Jackie Benoit is Mrs. Jenkins. Victoria Stevens is Mrs. Thompson. 9/19/20
• 050. Reese’s Job – 1/20/2002
  • Reese gets a job at Circus Burger where he works under shift manager Richie, and is encouraged not only by him by his other co-workers Greta (Katherine Boecher aka Pippi) and Sean (Brian Treitler) to occasionally pocket money in small intervals. Reese only pretends to do it to go along with them, but actually returns the money to the drawer. However at the end of the day, his drawer comes up $400 short. Meanwhile Mr. Herkabe wants to make his class appear foolish to get them off their high horses, so he brings in a younger kid named Barton (Will Stabile) with a 280 IQ, and assigns him to be Malcolm’s tutor. Lois has promised Dewey that if his fish Charlie survived for two months, he could have a dog and he is closing in on the date. Lois doesn’t want a dog, so she tells Hal to take care of the problem. Hal can’t bring himself to kill the fish, so he buys a dead fish and swaps it with Dewey’s. Once the two month mark hits, Dewey presents his living fish, which indicates that he too swapped it with a live one. The only problem is that Hal has to admit what he did in order to yell at Dewey for cheating. Meanwhile in Alaska, Pete has sent away for a Russian male order bride, so the guys throw him a bachelor party… with the stripper phoning in her services. When the ‘bride’ arrives, it turns out to be a blow-up doll. Reese looks to Malcolm for help to get him off the hook for the theft, and Malcolm says they need to confront Richie. Although Richie seems nervous, Barton goes along with them and determines by a traffic ticket that Richie got that he couldn’t be the thief. However it is quickly revealed that it was Greta who stole the money and she has done it working with her boyfriend Richie. Barton is pulled from Herkabe’s class because they think Herkabe’s obsession with him is unhealthy. 9/19/20
• 051. Lois’ Makeover – 1/27/2002
  • The employees of Lucky Aide get the results of their secret shopper evaluations, and Lois’s said that her appearance is slovenly, while Craig’s basically says he does absolutely nothing right. Lois is assigned by her manager Mr. Fisher (Stephen Tobolowsky) to an associate named Monique (Benita Krista Nall) who gives her a makeover. Hal loves it and attacks in her bed as soon as he sees her, and some of her co-workers start giving her special treatment, even though her behavior is no different than before. Mr. Fisher offers her a promotion if she agrees to doll herself even more, but when a man named Steve (David A. Kimball) – who turns out to be Fisher’s brother-in-law – thinks she is a hooker, Lois says she’ll no longer continue to make herself up. When she comes up and throws on a ball cap, Hal attacks her again. Meanwhile, Hal keeps destroying the boys at three-on-one basketball, but when Malcolm and Reese notice that Dewey can now make baskets, they use him as their secret weapon. Hal has to resort to playing dirty to beat them, and then when he sees how good they’re getting he fakes a twisted ankle. When the boys catch on that he’s faking, the force him to play. They wind up ahead, but Hal pulls down Reese’s pants and scores to tie the game. The boys use their final move of stacking on top of each other, then punching Hal in the crotch so they can score and win the game. Francis gets a reputation as an expert rat killer, when he stands up on a chair and the rat eats through the chair, causing him to fall on and kill the rat. Then he kills a Rat in Dave’s cabin, when he knocks a mirror onto it. An old man with white eyes (Jack Donner) warns him about the rat Rosemarie, so he goes in hunt of her under the cabin. He finds more than he bargained for when he pulls out a piece of wood and dozens of rats scurry over him. Craig tries to be nice to the customers, but winds up with an impossible old lady (Jean Sincere) and gets into a dog toy fight with her. Ginny McMath is the customer who has Craig carry her groceries out. Craig Welzbacher is Brian, who buys Lois a coffee. Karl T. Wright is Mark, who helps Lois lift a box. Steven Houska is Tom, who covers Lois’s shift. Larry Udy is Logger Buzz. 1/27/2002
• 052. Company Picnic: Part 1 – 2/3/2002
  • Hal’s company picnic is coming up and he is nervous about meeting his new boss John Pratt (Stephen Root) for the first time. He thinks about all of the bad impressions he made in the past: when he insinuates that his new supervisor Ms. Plum (Mary Ostrow) is pregnant, when he gets caught photocopying his butt by a new boss, when he meets the daughter of his new boss Mr. Jacobson (Steve Tom) and accidentally knocks over his daughter Kelly (Christina Ricci), causing a toothpick to go in her eye, which gets him attacked by her husband Steve (Tom Green). Malcolm however is excited about the picnic because he has a crush on a girl named Laurie (Lauren Storm) who lives out of town. He makes Reese promise not to hit on her, and he reluctantly agrees. Lois warns Dewey not to eat sugar because it makes him have meltdowns. At the picnic, Malcolm and Laurie hit it off again and he is ecstatic when she asks him to be his three-legged scavenger hunt partner. Reese is paired up with a behemoth moron named George (Aaron Hill). Lois gets trapped by a work wife named Meg (Susan Sarandon) who will not stop talking to her, and even traps her inside a port-o-potty chattering away outside in front of the door. When Laurie asks Malcolm if she should tell a boy that she likes him, even though he lives far away, Malcolm takes that as his cue to confess his feelings for her. Unfortunately, she was referring to another boy named Gary Spidler… and now they have three hours to spend tied together. Hal meets the company’s big boss Burt Landon (Patrick Warburton) and his toadie (Michael Kostroff), and then he finally meets Mr. Pratt. Their meeting goes well, but then Hal realizes that Pratt thinks that he is actually Landon. Lois takes away all of Dewey’s candy, but he meets a friend named Billy (Connor Matheus), who gives him some. Sure enough he eventually attacks Billy and has a meltdown. Meanwhile Francis is given the opportunity to be the equipment manager for the cafeteria’s hockey team in order to help pay down his ever-surmounting debt. He goes to his first game where Eric will lead their team against the all-girl team. Francis steals the money from the wallets of the players and uses it to bet against their own team with Lavernia, telling her that it is a bet from the other team’s Coach Clarence (Terry Bradshaw). Lavernia thinks it is a sucker bet, but Francis has sabotaged his own team’s equipment. Nicolas Mize is co-worker Barry. Howie Long is Coach Clarence’s assistant Howie. Betty Carvalho is the woman who Lois tries to pass Meg off to. Steve Witting is the announcer. Heidi Klum is the toothless hockey player. Tracy Kay is the kissing hockey player. Wesley Thompson is Mr. Jones, who introduces Hal to Ms. Plum. Thomas Lumberg Jr. is Logger Amos. Dennis Singletary is the worker who finds Hal on the copy machine. Yolanda Snowball is the co-worker with the compact. NOTE: This is the first of a two-part episode. 1/11/21
• 053. Company Picnic: Part 2 – 2/3/2002
  • Malcolm and Laurie continue with the scavenger hunt, and she becomes increasingly impressed by his ability to solve clues. However Malcolm can’t stop obsessing over her crush on Gary Spidler and the fact that she doesn’t like him. He then plops down and refuses to continue the hunt until she tells him exactly why, so she lets him have the naked truth that he is whiny and obsessed. He cries into a poison oak leaf. Meanwhile Hal continues pretending that he is Mr. Landon to Mr. Pratt, and has to threaten his co-workers not to spill the beans or he’ll expose their secrets. Lois tells him that he needs to tell Pratt the truth, but instead Hal fires him and demands he leave the picnic. Reese and Billy, after fighting amongst themselves, figure out they can team up and beat up the other kids to take the scavenger items they’ve recovered. They end up winning the $100 prize, but then find it hard to separate from each other. This doesn’t stop Billy from punching him and taking all of the money. Meg’s husband (Bradley Whitford) confronts Lois to ask about what she said to her, which ultimately leads to a fist fight, and thanks to a nudge from Mr. Landon, they wind up rolling around in the mud being used for the tug-of-war contest. Back at the hockey match, Francis’s team is getting beaten thanks to Francis sabotaging the equipment, and ringer on the other team who is a freakishly large woman in a #32 uniform (Earvin “Magic” Johnson). When Lavernia herself goes into the game and begins to turn things around, Francis also volunteers himself so that he can sabotage the game. But when his team seems sympathetic to his blunders, and Eric sacrifices himself in order to save Francis from getting hit by the puck, Francis actually leads his team to victory during a massive fight, when he hits the puck in by using his stick as a pool cue. However, he then has to tell them that he had stolen the all of the money, so while the team celebrates, he dragged naked over the ice by the Zamboni machine. For the final disaster of the company picnic, after an afternoon of being hopped up on sugar, a now animal-like Dewey gets into the pinata and eats more candy. Mr. Landon sees Pratt flipping everyone off as he leaves the picnic, and not only makes sure he doesn’t start work, but orders his toadie to sick the IRS on him. Laurie tells Malcolm she’s like to hang out with him at some point after his massive face swelling goes down. The family leaves the picnic either swollen, beaten up, tied up, or muddy… except for Hal who thinks it went better than expected. Nicholas E. Barb is the boy thrown in the trash can. Lillian Adams is the old woman who Dewey attacks. Joey Hiott is the crying kid who Dewey attacks. 5/4/21
• 054. Reese Drives – 2/10/2002
  • Reese has been on his best behavior so that his parents, try as they might, cannot find a reason to postpone him getting his driving learner’s permit. Meanwhile, Francis has somehow managed to put a hole in the ceiling and can’t get his parents to help, and Craig calls Lois and claims that Malcolm egged his house, so that she’ll send him over to help him hook up his stereo equipment. Reese passes the test and begins his driver’s ed, but his instructor Ed (Jay Johnston) is preoccupied with his banking and winds up letting another student Jackie (Rheagan Wallace), who seems to be the worst driver in the world, monopolize all of the time. When Ed runs into the post office, Reese at least sits behind the wheel, and immediately gets rear-ended. Thinking he is in trouble for it, he takes off. Driving 20 mph down the freeway, several cop cars begin chasing him. Lois is frantic that they cops will shoot him. Malcolm, who has otherwise been having a great time working with and discussing electronics, with Craig, sees the images of Reese being chased on the news and rushes off, leaving Craig hanging from the roof. Francis has enlisted the aid of co-workers to help fix the roof, promising them other favors from other co-workers, all of which spirals out of control and leaves a mob of them who want revenge on him. He disguises himself with a mustache and claims to be Francis’s identical French cousin Pierre. Reese calls Francis for advise on how to get out of his situation, but when his co-workers start to surround him, he tells him that sometimes you just have to take it like a man and face the punishment with grace and dignity. Reese decides to give himself up, but not before driving through the cone obstacle, which impresses everyone watching. The cops take him in, and to Dewey’s delight, they use the pepper spray when he resists. They later have their day in court, and Craig has forgiven Malcolm and asks him to videotape his cast coming off. Mel Rodriguez is Logger Neil. Don Tiffany is Logger Gary. David Paul Needles is Logger Bud. Christian Gann is Logger Jack. Frederick Dawson is Sergeant Rowdy. 5/4/21
• 055. Cynthia’s Back – 2/17/2002
  • After spending some time in Europe, Cynthia returns to school with a new bad attitude with plenty of insults to hand out the Krelboynes. Malcolm tries to cheer her up, but they end up insulting each other, and when she backs into the lit stove and catches her giant cat sweater on fire, he helps her pull it off, and discovers that her breasts have rapidly increased in size. She is embarrassed at first and makes him promise not to tell anyone, and he agrees. He finally cheers her up as they playfully insult each other. When Reese starts making fun over her and speculates that she has gotten fat, Malcolm defends her honor by telling him that her breasts have gotten big, so Reese decides to spend weeks buttering her up so he can ultimately see them. Meanwhile, Hal refuses to play with Dewey’s kite, after the kite repeatedly injured him as a boy (Bobby Preston). Dewey coaxes him into trying it again, and he winds up running trying to fly it on a soccer field and slamming his head into a goalpost. When Hal gives up, Dewey runs off and Hal pursues him, ultimately flying the kite because Dewey has ties it to his back. The neighbor Karen gives up alcohol and goes through the a twelve-step program and has to make amends to her friends, and apologizes to Lois for french kissing Hal on New Year’s Eve. Lois confronts Hal about this, but he denies it and says he never thinks about other women. Lois can’t believe this, so she puts him on notice. She admits that she looks at other men, and they both agree that Hal loves her more… but this is how Hal likes it. Karen later returns and realizes she has mistaken another man for Hal. Francis is bores with life up north, and when his roommates Eric, Pete, and Artie bring home a totem pole, he is aghast at their thoughtlessness. However, Francis becomes obsessed with it, and dreams that it contains the secret to life. Finally the Native American (Ivan Naranjo) they stole it from comes to reclaim it, and admits that it has no meaning and that he carved it to put in his driveway so he knows where to stop his car when he backs in. Malcolm can’t stand watching Reese seduce Amanda, so he tells her the truth and points out that Reese can’t even remember her name. When confronted with this, Reese immediately grabs her breasts, and then gets pummeled by her, much to Malcom’s delight. 9/1/21
• 056. Hal’s Birthday – 3/3/3002
  • The boys all want to go to the Monster Truck show and sit in the handicap area with Stevie, but Lois reminds them that it is Hal’s birthday and she has a surprise planned for him. The surprise turns out to be that she arranged for Francis to come home for a couple of days and celebrate his father’s birthday. Francis has a surprise of his own when he introduces them to a girl named Piama Tananahaakna (Emy Coligado), who they all are surprised to find out is Francis’s wife. Lois blows her stack, and Piama is just as feisty as Lois and is able to stand her ground. With all of the yelling going on in the house, combined with the constant punishments and bossing around that Lois does, the three younger boys decide to take their father’s credit card that Reese stole and move into a hotel. The are able to convince the desk clerk (Wayne Wilderson) to let them check in by having Dewey throw up, and they convince a room service waiter (Jim Meskimen) to let them put a huge dinner on the card, by bribing him with a huge tip. The boys decide to see how far they can go on the card before it maxes out. Hal and Francis go for a drive to talk, while Lois and Piama stay back at the house and shoot daggers at each other. Hal confesses that if Francis has told him about the wedding, he would have come. Hal gets word that the boys have his card, so they all head to the hotel to pick them up. When they tell their mother that they can’t stand the yelling, Lois apologizes and starts to blame her behavior on Francis and his wife… which leads to Piama throwing a bucket of water in her face. Hal feels the need to retaliate by throwing soup in Piama’s face, before she blows her stack. Lois is able to remain calm until the end of their visit, but she and Piama both threaten to come visit the other. When Reese gets in trouble for chasing Dewey, Lois gives him a verbal reprimand instead of yelling, but Reese’s reaction indicates it was just as bad. 9/1/21
• 057. Hal Coaches – 3/10/2002
  • Hal barters with his neighbor Ed  for his old humungous laptop computer, with part of the deal being that Reese does Ed’s yardwork. Malcolm restores the old content of the computer and finds Ed’s old emails. It turns out he has had a number of affairs with older women in the neighborhood. When Ed starts driving Reese too hard, Reese mentions the women Ed’s been with and threatens to tell his wife. Suddenly, Ed is forced to do all of Reese’s bidding and serves him like a slave. Meanwhile, Dewey wants to quit soccer because he is on a losing team. Hal won’t allow him to quit, but offers to take over the team. It doesn’t do much to help, as the referee (Billy Mayo) calls the next game at halftime since they get behind by nearly fifty points. Malcom finds an old game on Ed’s computer called the Virts, which allows him to create a virtual family. However, it winds up driving him crazy because no matter how badly he rates his family, they are all successful, while he is a failure eventually drive to suicide. Francis is being driven particularly hard by Lavernia, and his wife Piama doesn’t like it. When Lavernia starts pampering Francis, he demands to know what Piama did to her, but Piama won’t tell him. It drives him to madness, and he threatens to leave her, so Piama finally tells him that she stole her parakeet. Francis doesn’t like this, so he tries to return the parakeet, but the bird dies of the cold on the walk between their cabins. When Hal talks about teamwork, he likes the team to the X-Men, and the kids believe that their goal is now to fight evil. When they square off against the Blackhawks, whose coach (Michael Bailey Smith) is particularly aggressive, Hal’s team simply attacks all of the players and tries to meet them up. When Ed picks up Reese from school, the guidance counselor Mrs. Abbott (Maggie Egan), Reese tells her that Ed is his father. This however gives Ed the ammo to tell Reese he’s going to stop serving him. Reese threatens to tell Ed’s wife, but Ed banks that Reese is more scared of his mother than Ed is of his wife. Eric Don and Bret Loehr are soccer players Ryan and Carl. Gloria LeRoy is Ed’s neighbor Martha. 12/28/22
• 058. Dewey’s Dog – 4/7/2002
  • During a rushed morning, Hal accidentally says “bye guy” to Lois. He feels terrible and wants to make up for it by taking Lois out for a romantic night. He shows up at the Lucky Aide to whisk her away for a night of romance because Craig has gotten sick with the flu at work. Hal takes him home and inevitably catches the flu from him. Meanwhile Francis is sure that he spots Spengler at the camp in Alaska. After having nightmares about seeing him again, Spengler does in fact reveal himself to have tracked down Francis. Because he seems to have no focus in life, he is hellbent on destroying Francis as he sees him as his biggest failure. Dewey finds a stray dog that he considers taking home, but then remembers that his parents adamantly refuse to let him have a dog. The dog winds up showing up at Dewey’s window, and he decides to sneak and keep him, and names him Marshmallow. Malcolm and Reese catch him with the dog, and promise not to tell the parents. However, they are secretly waiting to reveal the fact that he’s keeping the dog until the time where he will get maximum punishment. Lois prepares a romantic meal for Hal, and Malcolm and Reese let the dog out of their room so he can destroy the meal. Dewey pretends that it was him who ate it, but Hal can’t fathom how he could eat an entire roast, a stick of butter, and a candle. He takes Dewey to the hospital to have his stomach pumped. As the brothers have Dewey hide in the closet with the dog, Hal and Lois head out for a romantic dinner. As Reese and Malcolm prepare to leave Dewey and the dog at home and go out for the night, Dewey decides to exercise his authority now that he has a dog at his command, and to issue retribution to his brothers. Hal and Lois try to enjoy their meal, but both have come down with the flu and try to hide it from each other. Dewey has Marshmallow destroy his brothers’ comic book collection, and then forces them to dress up like girls and write an essay on why they’re the worst brothers in the world. Craig drops by, and Dewey forces Craig to do the same. The guys plan their escape by having the dog chase Craig out the front door, and then retaliate against Dewey by making him eat the dog’s food. Francis and Eric help get a job for Spengler at the Department of the Interior. He quickly gets fired for being drunk, and the boys realize he’s only happy when he’s making others miserable. So they get him a job at retirement village where he enjoys bossing around the elderly. Hal and Lois wind up collapsing in each other’s arms on the dance floor, and then head to the hospital where an orderly (Ransford Doherty) reads Hal’s poetry to Lois.  Tim Haldeman is the doctor. Paul Stroili is the waiter. Kotoko Kawamura is the elderly Inuit woman. 3/1/22 
• 059. Poker #2 – 4/21/2002
  • Hal is planning a poker night for his friends Abe, Brian, Malik, Steve, and Trey, and wants everything to go perfectly. He even advises Malcolm and Reese to entertain Brian’s daughter Chandra (Dana Davis) and her friend Kristen (Lindsey Haun) for the evening. The boys have absolutely no problem with this, and advise Dewey to keep his distance from them. Unfortunately, the girls have no interest in Malcolm and Reese, but they do seem sympathetic to Stevie. When Reese sees this, he tries to further their interest in him by telling them that he has only six months to live. Chandra is really affected by this, and agrees to go spend some time with him in the parents’ bedroom. Meanwhile, Malcolm finds a gun in Kristen’s purse, and confiscates it from her and hides it in various places around the house while she tries to find it. She says it belongs to her new boyfriend Derek Fowler. Francis has his own conundrum when Piama tells him that she’s meeting with a guy from her past to clear up some unsettled business. He tries to act unphased, but Eric starts convincing him that he had better find out what it going on. He leaves work early and busts in on her and a man named Enoch (Steve Reevis), and then realizes that he is her father… who is trying to get money from Piama. Hal’s poker game starts to devolve in series of contests unrelated to poker. Dewey starts to get tired of having nowhere to go in the house, so he draws attention to his parents’ room, where Brian and Abe finds their kids making out. During the commotion, a bullet fires through the room as Malcolm tries to saw the gun in half with a hacksaw. Several cops including Officer Bob (Frederick Dawson) and Officer Mel (John Colella) come to investigate. The fathers all argue over which one of them was the most scared. 7/6/22
• 060. Clip Show – 4/28/2002
  • Hal believes that his boys have been joy riding in his car and caused $700 in damage, so he brings them in to see a psychiatrist Dr. Kennedy (Andy Richter). Malcolm and Reese claims that they were watching television when the car was taken and that they didn’t do anything wrong. Malcolm tries to convince the doctor that there are no psychological problems with them and that they are normal by flashing back to various scenes from their childhood of their family dynamics. They also share specific incidents of how their mother and father behave, and how Francis gets a bad rap since he is the first-born child. They talk about their dinnertime dynamics and why it isn’t a good time to discuss their problems. The boys get into a physical fight in the office, so Dr. Kennedy has to give them all a time-out before resuming. The boys tell him that their biggest issue is that their parents don’t trust them, and then go through examples of damage they’ve caused when left alone. The doctor then asks the boys how they see themselves. Reese admits that he fits into the bad boy role, and finds it satisfying. Dewey says he’s the favorite, the cute one. Malcolm sees himself as the middle child who doesn’t fit in, as if he had been dropped into the family from outer space. The other boys think that Malcolm is the one who fixes everything in the family. The doctor concurs that he’s the ringleader, and that he gets into mischief because he gets bored. He suggests that it was Malcolm who instigated the joy ride. When he mentions that he might belong in a special school, Reese and Dewey freak out that he’s suggesting their brother leave the house. The session ends, and the doctor finds Hal listening at the door. He and the doctor get ready to discuss the issue in private, and sends the boys to the car… which has rolled from its place and smashed into something. Hal realizes this was how the ‘joy ride’ had occurred. When he realizes that his boys were telling the truth all along, he declares them cured and sings the praises of Dr. Kennedy, despite his insistence that they have a lot of work to do. The time flashes back to the time they attempted a family photo and chaos ensued. Scotch Ellis Loring is the photographer. 7/7/22
• 061. Jury Duty – 5/1/2002
  • As Spring Break approaches, Lois is assigned jury duty. Hal promises he will get her out of it, but soon she is being sworn in as a juror with the foreman Fred (George Wyner), and fellow jurists Susan (Bonita Friedericy), Janice (Carlease Burke), Ben (Byrne Offutt), and Amos (Thomas Lumberg Jr.). Hal is desperate to find out what the case involves, but Lois won’t tell him. However, he thinks she slips him the answer when her coffee cup leaves a ring around an article about the Reyes murder. Meanwhile, Dewey is annoyed when Reese and Malcolm are late to take him exploring in the sewers, but they explain it is because they saw Stevie’s mother naked when she came out of the shower. He finds no solace in that, so he makes them leave right away. Reese brings along a live snake in his backpack to scare Dewey once they get into the tunnels. When Hal tells Abe about the case he thinks Lois is on, they start debating who committed the crime. When they get too carried away and take to the streets where the murder happened, a neighbor sees Hal appearing as if he is ready to stab Abe, they call the police. Francis goes ice fishing with Pete, Artie, and Eric, but after catching nothing after hours have elapsed, they are ready to give up and leave. However, a bear begins stalking them and they are scared to exit the shelter. They decide that Pete’s life is the most worthless, so they force him out of the shelter to go get the truck. However, for revenge Pete simply drives off. After the trial, Lois believes the man named Marty who is accused of stealing a motorcycle, is guilty. The votes stand at seven guilty and five not-guilty, but when the not-guiltys give up without a fight, Lois tries to force them all to stay and re-examine the evidence. When they all refuse, she changes her vote to not guilty. As they discuss the case, Lois gets more and more frustrated when she finds out they didn’t know whether Marty was the cop or the thief, and that they all want to decide the case based on whether they like cops or not. Eventually they all weigh the evidence and decide that Marty is guilty… but then Susan decides he’s not guilty because he sings in the church choir. Then when Lois realizes that she is equating Marty with Francis, she decides to disqualify herself. As Lois is begging the judge (Sean G. Griffin) to serve on another jury, a police officer (Dennis Cockrum) is bringing Hal into the courthouse and telling him that everything is behind because of the hung jury. As the boys are entering in the cave, Stevie hears Reese telling a boy (E.J. De La Pena) about his naked mother. When he keeps it up inside the sewers, Stevie starts to belittle him for being horrible with girls. Malcolm and Dewey agree that Reese is a joke with girls. Reese starts to admit that he’s just awkward around girls and says the wrong thing. He starts to share his poetry, but when he reaches into his bag, he pulls out the snake and everyone panics. Although they had become lost, in the panic, they find their way out…. and Reese is belittled by another girl (Ashley Tisdale). 11/1/22
• 062. Cliques – 5/5/2002
  • Malcolm and the Krelboyne boys are messing around during their chemistry experiment and unleash a slime that needs to be fumigated. Since they will lose their classroom for weeks, the students are forced to integrate back into the regular school classes, while the teacher Mr. Herkabe has to teach in the gym class. Meanwhile, Dewey gets bored when he forced to stay home with poison ivy. Lois gives him dominoes to play with and threatens to make sure his stay is in the hospital if he won’t stop complaining. He begins setting up the dominoes and makes a giant line, which Hal is tempted to knock down. As the domino line becomes more elaborate, Hal can barely resist and almost starts to knock it down… until Reese is caught by his mother doing the same thing. She tells Reese that if the dominoes fall, Reese will be to blame. Reese knows that his father wants to knock them down as well, so he goes to great lengths to ensure that he doesn’t. At school, the Krelboyne kids have a hard time adjusting to the other kids. At first, it appears Malcolm will have no problem hanging out with his old friends Ian (Miles Marsico) and Eddie (Shawn Pyfrom), but then they start to drive him crazy when all they can talk about is hot girls. Lloyd winds up making friends with the goth crowd when he quotes Dante. Dabney is befriended by a jock bully named Joey (Jesse Flanagan) when he removes a splinter from his finger. Stevie fits in with the skaters, two of whom, Andy (Curtis Williams) and Davey (Richard Alan Brown), complain that the cleanup crew for the Krelboyne class is putting the dumpster where they skate. The jocks then are furious when the skaters take over the basketball court, so they try to take over the Posers corner, a group which Kevin has joined.  They then bicker with the preppies led by Kent (Glenn Lutz). This pulls the trigger on a potential rumble between the cliques. Back home, Hal has a dream that he gets permission to knock over a giant domino, but it turns into a student and his teacher (Thomas Mills) gives him a test he is unprepared for… and he’s wearing underwear. He makes another attempt to knock down Dewey’s dominos, but Reese is waiting to stop him. Hal races home after work to knock them down, but Reese races home from school to stop him. When they get home, they find that Dewey has put them all back in their boxes, as he has recovered and is ready to return to school. Making matters worse, Dewey didn’t even knock them down. Malcolm gets wind of the upcoming rumble from Ian and Eddie, so he goes to the school and announces that they all need to get along, and then identifies the Krelboynes in each group. They then identify Malcolm as their leader, and they all get their pants removed by the other kids. Hal carefully rebuilds Dewey’s domino train inch by inch, and before he knocks it down, he goes to get his video recorder. The dominos then fall on their own, and he has a breakdown when he returns to see that they’ve all fallen. When Piama tells Francis that their house has been sliding since it was built on a glacier, he realizes that it is partly located on an Indian reservation. Francis then opens a casino in one half of the house, and when he is caught cheating by Ivan, he makes a comment about keeping the money in the tribe. Piama takes offense of this and takes some of the earnings and goes shopping, repeating that she is keeping the money ‘in the tribe.’ When Francis tells her that he was saving that money to move away, she tells him that she has no interest in moving. He tells her that he’d never raise kids there, and she responds that she doesn’t want kids. They realize that they’ve not gotten to know each other very well before rushing into marriage. When it looks bleak for them, they simply kiss and start talking about all of the things they do have in common. Matthew Lawrence Morgan is Goth Ronald. Charlie Zigler is Jock Wally. 11/1/22
• 063. Monkey – 5/12/2002
  • When an intruder breaks into the house, Hal gets tangled in his bed sheets before he can respond, and it is Reese who knocks him out with a baseball bat. Officers Smith (Jesse D. Goins) and Jones (Albert Owens) arrive on the scene and arrest the man. Reese is made out to be a hero, which leads him to decide to become a cop. He begins to badger folks around the neighborhood to obey the law, yelling at one man (Kenneth Dolin) for leaving out his trash cans, one boy (Curtis Williams, Jr.) for skateboarding without a helmet, and group of kids for playing kickball too loudly. Eventually, he tries to correct his mother for parking too far onto the sidewalk, resulting in her chasing him up a tree. Meanwhile, Dewey is so worried about the intruder coming back that he can’t sleep, and he keeps Malcolm up all night reading him the dictionary. Craig is still suffering his broken arms and legs resulting Dewey’s dog chasing him into traffic, and Lois is helping out by bringing him food. He has also obtained a Capucin monkey named Oliver (Crystal) to help take care of him, but after the monkey forces him to eat scalding hot lasagna and he finds drain cleaner by his milkshake ingredients, Craig begins to suspect that the monkey is trying to kill him. Hal feels inadequate that he didn’t handle the intruder himself, so he goes looking for fights around town, first tempting a scary guy (Al Rondon) to rob him, and then stealing a parking spot from a tough guy (Grant Albrecht), then realizing the guy is in a wheelchair and he just stole a handicap space. When Hal later goes to check on Craig, he finds him under attack by Oliver, so he helps stop him from killing Craig with a butcher knife by putting a trash can over the monkey. This gets his name in a blurb in the paper. It not only comforts him, but also comforts Dewey when he reads the blurb to Dewey and he is able to fall asleep. In Alaska, as the guys are complaining about their jobs, Francis and the guys are told that the mining company has bought all of the land now that they’ve cut down the last tree, and that they are all out of jobs. Francis tries to find work locally but is unsuccessful. Piama doesn’t want to leave and assaults a deputy (Steven Barr) when he tries to evict them. She winds up in jail for a bit and when she gets out, she admits that she is scared to pick up and move somewhere else because she is not brave like Francis. He tells her that he was just stupid and naive, but that things always work out and that is how he met her. She decides to trust him, and they use their settlement money to head out for a new future. Michael Henson is the kicker. Dion Oversteet, Jr. is the pitcher. Elijah Runcorn and Dylan Cash are kids in the street. Michael Horse is Steve with the tribal council. Philip Bolden is the eight-year-old on the curb. 3/5/23

SEASON 4

• 064. Zoo – 11/3/2002
  • Malcolm has been depressed all Summer as he ponders the meaning of life which seems to have no meaning. His mother makes him get out of bed so that they can all go visit the zoo, where her ex-boyfriend Matt (Tim DeKay) is working on an Animals of the Rainforest live show. Since she was dating him at the same time as she dated Hal twenty years ago, he is very jealous of Matt. When they arrive at the zoo, Lois and Hal head to see Matt’s show, while Lois tells Malcolm that since he has such a bad attitude, he can watch Dewey for the afternoon. Reese heads to the Petting Zoo where he teases a goat and then gets headbutted by another one. A worker named Mel (Teddy Lane, Jr.) throws him out, but the goat stalks and follows him all over the park. Dewey wants to see the tigers, but they don’t appear to be the caged area where they belong, so Dewey climbs the fence… and falls in. Malcolm jumps in after him, but they wind up being stared down by one, and then later two tigers that Dewey names Stanley and French Fry. During the live show, Matt tries to choose Lois to participate, but Hal jumps up and takes her place. Matt puts a live bird-eating tarantula on him, and it winds up biting Hal on the face, causing a massive welt to appear. A worker named Randy (Daniel Roebuck) finds the boys inside the tiger cage and panic ensues across the staff as they figure out what to do. Malcolm is certain that they’re going to die, while Dewey thinks they will get out okay. Reese fights with the goat all across the park. Matt apologizes profusely to Hal, but Hal insists that he did it on purpose because he was jealous that Hal won Lois. Matt claims that he stepped aside since Lois wasn’t exclusive and he didn’t like her dating Hal… and Dennis. When Hal finds out that there was a third man, he confronts Lois, who admits that she was dating Larry. Hal is more furious to learn of a fourth man, so he blurts out that her engagement ring was purchased by him when he was fifteen years old for Farrah Fawcett. They agree that they are even. They then find out that Malcolm and Dewey are in the tiger cage, so they head there. Reese ends up throwing the goat into the cafe, which distracts the tigers so the workers can save the boys. Lois strikes a deal with the zoo that they won’t sue if the zoo doesn’t have Reese arrested. Malcolm feels better after the near-death experience, but his mood shifts suddenly when he wonders why he has to be the only one to have hard life lessons like this. Francis and Paima work their way across America, but their car breaks down at a gas station. There they meet Otto (Kenneth Mars) and Gretchen (Meagen Fay), an older German couple who own a Dude Ranch nearby. They invite Francis to come work there, which comes with free room and board in addition to a sizeable paycheck. Francis and Piama are thrilled with their surroundings even though Francis knows absolutely nothing about farm life. He meets another worker named Zeke (Rocky McMurray), whose name is actually Murray, who admits that he too knows nothing about working on a farm, but suggests they stick together so that they can milk the couple for everything. Francis immediately fires him and tries to figure out his job. As he calls home to update his folks on his new job, he has his other hand inside a cow trying to deliver its baby. James Henriksen is zoo worker Pete. Jeremy Forte is the clown who listens to Malcolm’s troubles. Angela Sargeant is the lady who tells the boys they shouldn’t be in the tiger cage. Patrick O’Connor and Rhomeyn Johnson are the zoo suits trying to do damage control. Ken Daly is the meter reader who makes Hal jealous. David Ury is the mechanic at the service station. 3/6/23
• 065. Humilithon – 11/10/2002
  • It’s the first day of school and Malcolm is anxious to be moving to the high school and shed his status as a Krelboyne. Dewey is about to become a latchkey kid, as he will be alone from 3pm – 3:15pm. Hal is horrified that he and Lois have to volunteer for the first week of school. Malcolm and Reese are both humiliated by the fact that their parents are there, but when Lois notices a new stain on Malcolm’s pants, she makes a spectacle about trying to clean him off while all of the students in the quad look on. He tries to make up for it by getting a girlfriend, but quickly realizes that they have all given him a new nickname: “Stain”. Meanwhile, Francis is forced to do all of the chores on the farm when Otto’s kindness in letting all of the other hands off for extended vacations. Francis’s chores keep piling up on him, and he is forced to give a back massage to a fat, hairy man named Joe Pinkman (Joe Costanza). He decides to quit the job and tells Otto that he is just too accommodating to everyone when he should be running the business, but he is stopped in his tracks when Otto not only buys him a new truck but gives him a week’s vacation of his own. Hal winds up at odds with Mr. Herkabe, who is the new dean of discipline and the one who hands out the tasks to the volunteers. After Hal takes Lois into the utility closet to have sex, Herkabe fires Hal from his volunteer work. Hal doesn’t want Herkabe to think he won, so Hal returns and secretly does his chores. When Herkabe catches him, they wind up in a wet mop fight and are both sent the principal’s office. Malcolm decides to take his father’s car and crash it into his mother’s car so that he will be sent to military school. Even though he has been ignoring his Krelboyne friends, they try to stop him from making this big mistake, but it is only Cynthia who makes a difference when she loudly tells Malcolm that she won’t have sex with him again if he goes through with it. This earns the admiration of the other kids, especially Reese who starts doing Malcolm’s chores if he will tell him all about it, even when Malcolm swears that nothing happened. After Dewey has used his time at home alone wisely, even teaching himself to play piano, he is saddened when Lois tells him that she has rearranged her schedule so that she can be there after school for him. Deborah Harmon is the parent volunteer handing out books. Theo Rossi is the senior who laughs at Malcolm. Dana Workman is the girl Malcolm asks out. Darcy Fowers is the mother who won’t exchange Malcolm’s book. Jason Lansing is ‘Hi Stain” #1, Jordan Masterson is ‘Hi Stain’ #2, Paige Segal is ‘Hi Stain’ #3, Vanessa Chester is ‘Hi Stain’ #4, Leslie Upson is Mrs. Pinkman. Jeff D’Agostino is “Hey Stain-alator.” Cleavon McClendon III is “Bruce Spring-stain”. 8/6/23
• 066. Family Reunion – 11/17/2002
  • Francis and Piama visit with the family, and Lois spends so much time being mean to Piama that the boys are able to get away with anything. Hal gets a last-minute call from his sister Claire (Jeanine Jackson) to come to a family reunion at their father Walter’s (Christopher Lloyd) house to celebrate his birthday. Dewey has never met their grandfather, and his brothers coach him on how to win over Grandpa so that he might be heir to his fortune. The boys also explain to him how mean the rest of the family is to their mother. Upon arrival, they are greeted by Claire and her very effeminate husband Tom (Robert Alan Beuth). Cousin Pete (John Valdetero) drives up in the golf cart that they all bought for Walter. Hal is nervous to face his father after being absent for so long, but he seems jovial enough and jokes around with everyone in the family. He sends all of the kids at the party to hang on Francis after pulling him into the pool, which the kids do for the duration of their stay. Pete’s wife Amelia (Brenda Strong) slaps a nametag on Lois, and Hal gets angry when he realizes she is the only one wearing one. When he tries to speak to his father about how everyone treats Lois, Walter responds by making funny faces or tickling Hal, thereby always changing the subject. Walter connects with Malcolm when he realizes that Malcolm has an interest in the Civil War. He takes him out if full Civil War garb to stalk people at the mall like Northern soldiers. When Piama invites Francis up to the bedroom, Francis tries to get rid of the kids demanding a story by telling them an ultra-scary one. They get so scared that they lock themselves in cabinets with knives. Dewey and his brothers get a stern warning from their cousins Trevor (Timmy Fitzpatrick) and Sammy (Benjamin Bryan) that they have already spent years working their grandfather for his fortune. Reese and Dewey retaliate by altering their inscriptions on their grandfather’s birthday card. Hal has a dream that night that he is seeing a psychiatrist who is Jesus (Matt Knudsen), who tells Hal that he is all grown up and has a family of his own, so should not be afraid to face his father. Lois nearly has a meltdown when she realizes she has forgotten her dress shoes to wear in the family photo. Amelia offers a pair of shoes that are in her car and sends Lois out to get them. When Lois takes too long to get back, the family has the photographer (Andrew J. Turner) move forward with her. When she returns, she marches up to her room and breaks down crying. Hal covers himself with coats so that he can’t be tickled and confronts his father once again. This time Hal tickles Walter so he has to listen to Hal ream him for always brushing problems aside by making jokes and funny faces. When the boys see how upset their mother is, they commandeer the new golf car and drive it over the catered lunch table and into the swimming pool. On the way home, Hal and Lois scold the boys for their behavior, but opt not to give them any punishments. For the first time, Lois treats Piama kindly. Stephan Brennan, Brett Buford, Johnathan D. Pickett, and Kyle Clark are the kids. 8/6/23
• 067. Stupid Girl – 11/24/2002
  • With his parents vacationing in Hawaii, Stevie stays with Malcolm’s family for the week, and Lois is impressed with his behavior. Meanwhile, Malcolm meets his locker neighbor Allison (Brittany Rene’e Finamore), but his attempts to charm her fall flat when she can’t understand any of his jokes. He turns to Reese to see how he can be so oblivious to everything and carefree about the consequence of his actions, including not studying for his exams. He tells Malcolms that he simply sings the Minty Mint jingle to himself. When Allison asks Malcolm a dumb question, he gives her a dumb, simplistic answer and she likes it better than any explanation he would have offered. Allison then asks Malcolm to go to the school dance with her. Malcolm accepts, and then starts down a path of stupid, mindless behavior, even though both Stevie and Allison both compare his to Reese, one not so favorably. Hal buys a lottery ticket while he is supposed to be buying bread for Dewey’s school sandwiches. He winds $1000 and asks Reese to be quiet about it. He then rent a steam shovel and begins running over things like a wedding cake, light bulbs, bubble wrap, and tubes of caulk. Dewey catches him in the act and vows not to tell if they can smash Reese’s bike. Out at the dude ranch, Otto is swindled by a salesman named Mr. Dodson (Randall Bosley), who sells him buckets of sunscreen for cows at $200 a bucket. While Piama is working on selling junk touristy paintings to a customer (Carole Goldman), Francis goes after the salesman and beats up Dodson, while suffering his own injuries, and he winds up getting Otto’s money back. Otto is thankful and asks him to check the validity of another sales him who is trying to sell him divining rods. Francis takes one look at how hugely tall the salesman (Roger W. Morrissey) is and decides to go along with him rather than fight him. Stevie gets fed up with Malcolm’s stupidity and refuses to go to the dance with him. Lois thinks it is because he is in a a wheelchair, so she insists on taking him to the dance. Malcolm is having fun being mindless with Allison and agrees to go sit out on the football field with a six-pack of beer. Hal continues to smash things in a lot, and when he spots a used car lot, he starts to head over there to destroy things. Dewey catches him again and puts a tiny statue that he made for his father in the path of the steamroller, finally getting Hal to stop. As Lois arrives at the dance with Stevie, she spots Malcolm with Allison and the six-pack. Had Malcolm’s brain not been shut off for so long, he would’ve had a good excuse at the ready, but he is unable to come up with anything. Allison winds up breaking up with Malcolm when he uses the word ‘paradox’, and she begins dating Reese. Carlo Manchini is the steamroller rental guy. Steven Bendik is the kid at the dance who Reese picks on. NOTE: Mehcad Brooks is credited as the ‘big kid’ but does not appear in the episode. 12/5/23
• 068. Forwards Backwards – 12/1/2002
  • Malcolm is saving up his money to buy Stevie’s old computer, and he believes that his birthday money will put him over the edge. Suddenly, Reese, whose face is covered in tape runs into the room in full view of their mother and attacks and punches Malcolm in the face, giving him a black eye. Lois then demands that the fight stops then and there, but Malcolm is furious that Reese got in the last punch. Meanwhile, Hal goes to the comic book store and tries to buy Malcolm a rare comic book for his birthday, but the shop manager Dean (Timm Sharp) condescendingly tells Hal about a comic book called Mr. Incredible… which doesn’t exist, much to the amusement of Dean and two guys hanging out in the shop named Ronald (Tim Tartamella) and Bob (Trieu Tran). Not knowing how to find something Malcolm will like, Hal turns to Craig to assist him. However, Craig insists on spending time with Hal in order for him to cooperate. When Hal finally gets annoyed that he’s already taken Craig out to the beach, to the movies, for slushies, for ice cream, for pie, for coffee, and for lunch, Craig demands that Hal stop the car so he can get out. Despite what their mother said, Malcolm and Reese escalate their feud when Malcolm super-glues Reese’s arm to his head. Reese then distributes a picture of young Malcolm on the toilet around school. Out at the Dude Ranch, some of the customers hear tale of a ‘devil cow’ that is stalking the area. When customers find a flattened antelope with pieces in the trees, they start to panic and want to leave. Rather than admit there is any sort of devil cow, Otto takes blame for the strange happenings. When Otto has a run-in with the cow in question, he decides he wants to burn down the place and move away. Dewey has been assigned to play Abraham Lincoln in the school play but is nervous about saying the Emancipation Proclamation. He feels sick to his stomach, but his parents promise that they will be right there to support him. Malcolm embarrasses Reese around his group of so-called friends, none of whom even know Reese’s name, by pointing out that Reese has been sitting with them for weeks despite the fact that he doesn’t even known him. Reese steals Malcolm’s money that he had been saving and spends it all Go-Kart racing. Hal returns to the comic book store, and once again Dean tries to swindle him by selling him a comic book called Deadman’s Shoes for $50. Just then, Craig enters the shop, and everyone is taken aback to see the Level 45 Dungeon Master. Craig embarrasses Dean in front of the other guys by pointing out a rare comic that had been re-issued and that Dean is passing off as being rare. Dean is thusly embarrassed, and Hal is impressed with Craig’s nerdy knowledge. When Craig tells Hal that there is a convention coming up, Hal simply tells Criag that he has a life. Francis discovers that the cow’s problem is that it had wandered off into the hills and hadn’t been milked in ages. Once he milks the appreciative cow, it is reduced to tears. Malcolm joins Reese on the Go-Kart course and he and Reese play chicken and have a head-on collision. Lois has to take both of them to the hospital, then grounds them when they get home. She lambasts them for always being grounded on their birthdays, which keeps them form ever doing anything special. In the midst of all of the commotion, Lois and Hal forget to go to Dewey’s performance. When Dewey sees they are not there, he imagines that another couple (Matt Hannigan, Bonnie Burroughs) are his parents. Then he gives a jaw-dropping musical rendition of the Emancipation Proclamation and receives a standing ovation. Throughout the episode, flashbacks run in reverse order to see what started the fight between Malcolm and Reese in the first place: Reese’s face had been covered with tape by Malcolm, during a moment when Reese couldn’t raise his weights off his neck while working out. Prior to this Reese had set off a fire extinguisher in Malcolm’s pants. Reese was wet and angry when he did it because Malcolm had surprised Reese with an air horn just after Reese had tainted Malcolm’s toothpaste. A filthy Reese laughs at this from the shower, where he was cleaning off the dirt and debris that Malcolm had planted in his hat. Malcolm had done this in response to Reese putting food off a plate Malcolm was washing into Malcolm’s ear. Reese had done this after Reese asks Malcolm not to eat his last blueberry, which Malcolm gave consideration to, then decides that nothing much could result from it and ate it anyway. Marquis Scott is comic book customer Ricky. Oscar Nunez is the ranch hand scared of the cow. Angee Hughes is the female customer also scared of the cow. Kevin Dunigan is the male guest scared of the cow. 12/5/23
• 069. Forbidden Girlfriend – 12/15/2002
  • Malcolm has met all kinds of kids from his tutoring business, but he finds the new one Nicki (Reagan Dale Neis) to be the most attractive. Meanwhile, Hal flips out when he finds out that Lois has an infection and has to take medication, meaning they won’t be able to have sex for a week. Reese gets splashed by an obnoxious high school kid (Jonny Acker) in his sports car, but when he calls him out on it, the kid threatens to beat him up. Then Reese notices that an elderly lady (Fiona Hale) and a man (Ed Brigadier) are randomly giving money to Dewey, and Dewey has no idea why, simply preferring to call it ‘money day’. Out on the dude ranch, Francis keep having to put up a fence that a neighboring family, Merl (Matt Battalgia) and Earl (Blue Deckert), keep tearing down so that they can take their cattle on a trail to water. When Nicki’s father Boyd (Michael Shamus Wiles) notices them flirting with each other, he puts down his foot that Malcolm is only to tutor her and nothing else. As soon as he leaves the room, Malcolm and Nicki kiss. Hal and Lois are more productive than other and begins doing nothing but housework and yardwork, putting the home into tip-top condition. When Reese sees another neighbor (Fitz Houston) giving Dewey money, he begins to investigate, and finds a Dewey-look-alike named Billy Prescott (Logan A. Graham) doing the chores. Reese wants to find a way to utilize this gift, so he has Dewey fill the sports card belonging to the kid who splashed him with cement. Dewey then blames the whole thing on Billy Prescott, and the kid concurs that he saw Billy when he had actually seen Billy. Due to their new productivity, Hal gets a raise at work, and Lois finds a mistake on an old tax return that earns them hundreds of dollars. When Nicki’s father catches them kissing, he forbids them from seeing each other again and tells Lois about the situation. They start to concoct a series of lies so that they can meet to make out. Lois finished her medication, but in order to stay productive, they try to refrain from being intimate. Merl and Earl barge in on a costume party that Otto is hosting and bring him the rolled-up fence that they once again removed. Otto tells them that they need the fence to keep the horses in, while they maintain they need to take their cattle on the path. When Otto threatens to get out his gun, Francis suggests that they just put up the fence… but include a gate, a thought that had never occurred to them. When Boyd catches Nicki at the movies, Malcolm has to make a hasty mistake by crawling along the sticky, disgusting floor. Reese tells Dewey that filling up the car with cement was a stroke of genius, but he is actually talking to Billy with Dewey and the car owner hiding in the closet. Dewey asks the guy if he’s heard enough, and then lets him pound on Reese. As Hal lays down new carpet, Lois is ready to give it all up and seduces Hal to come to bed. The house quickly starts to fall apart again. When Boyd nearly catches Malcolm hanging from Nicki’s bedroom window, Malcolm starts to think that they never do any normal things together and thinks that Nicki simply gets off on danger. Nicki tells Malcolm that she’s not a danger-junkie, but rather likes Malcolm for who he is. Malcolm admits that he feels the same way with her, and they suddenly realize that they have something real and decide to keep going. 4/11/24
• 070. Malcolm Holds His Tongue – 1/5/2003
  • Reese’s girlfriend Allison gets them $40 concert tickets, but since Reese has lost his license, he has no way to get them there, much to her annoyance. Meanwhile, Malcolm is trying to improve his basketball game by playing Stevie in the driveway, as well as criticizing Coach Oleski (Jack McGee) for his rotten game plan. When Malcolm goes too far in how he speaks to the coach, he gets thrown off the team. He decided that he would have better results in life by keeping his mouth shut and just let his inner dialogue do the complaining. He tests this out on his mother, and it remarkably works. Francis gets a new pair of expensive boots from his father, and despite Piama telling him that he is ruining them, Francis covers them in water while he is wearing them and tells her this is the best way to break them in and form them to his feet. One day while Hal is sitting outside chatting with Dewey, they are passed by a group of power walkers, and Hal is drawn to join them in the race walking. Once he gets into it, he quickly powers ahead of the group, even imaging that he has been put on an important military mission by a general (Edmund L. Shaff) and his officer (David Grant Wright). Reese desperately tries to find a ride to the concert, so he resorts to making Craig a dessert and trying to coax him into driving him and Allison to the concert. Craig jumps at the chance, and soon is pestering race day and night about what he should wear, what mix tape he should play, etcetera. Hal becomes friendly with the race walker, especially Vince (Kevin Kilner) and Joy (Jessica Hendra), but one walker named Wheeler (David Burke) seeks to show his dominance by race walking past the Hal and the group every time. Hal tries everything he can think of, from nutritional drinks to aerodynamic clothes and helmet, before asking Malcolm to try and figure out a formula so that he can be faster than Wheeler. Dewey suggests that Wheeler is simply better than him and that that’s just the way it is. Hal starts to accept this, but then notices in a video tape of Wheeler that there are points where he has no feet on the ground. Malcolm uses his new technique of holding his tongue to apologize to the coach and ask to come back to the basketball team. The coach lets him on, and soon Malcom is holding in his criticisms once again. Malcolm nearly bursts at the coach’s terrible strategy, until the coach finally put his in. Malcolm then spits up blood, as he has developed a peptic ulcer from holding in so much stress. Hal interrupts Wheeler while he is with his female groupies (Geneviere Anderson, Mikki Padilla) and accuses him of ‘hopping’ during every fourth step of his walking. He even has a video tape of evidence, which Wheeler swipes from him and starts race walking away. Hal is able to catch up as he calls out each of Wheeler’s hops. Craig is extra annoying as he drives Reese and Allison to the concert and goes off on them when they start kissing in the back seat. Craig then blows his top on them for using him for the ride. Craig insists on taking them on a hayride and dinner before the concert, prompting Allison to spray him in the face with mace. Allison then jumps out of the car and threatens to mace Reese too. Francis shows Piama how well his boots now fit and demands that she admit that she was wrong. After she leaves the room, he takes off the boots, to expose his blistered feet full of growing fungus. When Lois yells at Malcolm for developing a peptic ulcer and being sent to the hospital, he finally lets it out and yells about all of the incompetence he’s witnessed. Craig and Reese wind up alone roasting marshmallows over a bonfire, while Craig sings The One That You Love in falsetto accompanied by his ukulele. 4/11/24
• 071. Boys at Ranch – 1/12/2003
  • Hal arranges to take Reese, Malcolm, and Dewey to visit Francis at the Dude Ranch. When they arrive, they are given a grand welcome by Otto and Gretchen, who sing Francis’s praises and tell them that everything is on the house. They introduce Hal to every member of the staff. When Dewey is curious about Gretchen’s Hope Indian Kachina dolls, Gretchen asks him not to touch them because they are very valuable. Piama greets the guys and tells them that she is really sick, but when they tell her that Lois didn’t come along, suddenly she is fine. Francis takes his family out for a campfire that night and cooks them all a delicious chili. Hal wants to get up to watch the sunrise at Devil’s Rock, but Francis says that he has to lead a horseback ride. The other boys want to go along, so Hal goes for the sunrise watch alone, feeling bad that he has no one to share it with. The boys start to become annoyed at Francis because they go so slow on the horseback ride, and then when they see other guests riding ATVs, Francis tells them that there is no way they will be permitted to ride those. The boys fake a permission slip as if it were for a ping-pong tournament, and Hal signs that he gives them permission to take out the ATVs. When Dewey somehow gets his stuck up in a tree, Francis is furious and lectures his brothers before sending them all to their rooms. They say that he is acting like their mother, and he tells them that sometimes their mother was right. He also yells at Hal for blindly signing their permission slip without reading it. Gretchen realizes that Dewey had taken one of the Kachina dolls and broke it during the ATV accident. After yelling at him, he tearfully apologizes, and she apologizes for yelling at him. She teaches him how to give himself self-penance so that he can work his fingers to the bone to work through the guilt. Malcolm and Reese decide to get revenge on Francis, so they sneak out and buy a massive amount of fireworks from a dealer named Eddie (Ben Livingston) using Hal’s credit card. Hal and Otto go for a horseback ride on their own, and they wind up staying out all night drinking Schnapps. When they start firing the guns at the stars, the horses run off, and one of the bullets lands in Otto’s butt. Hal confides how bad he feels that Francis is now so great and responsible after meeting Otto but was a terror for all of the years that Hal raised him. Otto tells him that Francis was already that way when he arrived and that he clearly got his personality from Hal. Dewey feels liberated after a full day of cleaning. Gretchen gives him a toilet brush as a reward. Dewey and Malcolm call Francis out at night and tell him that they want their older brother back. Since he loved fire and explosions so much in the past, they show him the fuse that will ignite the fireworks. Although he claims that he’s changed now that he is married with responsibilities, he still lights the fuse and sets off a massive display of fireworks. As Hal and Otto work their way toward home, they use the fireworks to guide their way. Hal gives the credit to Francis for getting them home. After the show, the boys all lose their vision for a couple of days. Margie Loomis is the lady looking for the Jazzercise class. Dale E. Turner and Andre Jamal Kinney are the father and son watching the sunrise with Hal. Donald Sage Mackay is the fireworks customer. 8/31/24
• 072. Grandma Sues – 2/2/2003
  • Malcolm has been relegated to sleeping in a tent in the back yard thanks to concurrent visits from Francis and Piama and Lois’s mother Ida, who seems to be at odds with everyone in the house. They are all anxious to get her out the door, but as Hal is taking her to the airport, she slips on a leaf on the sidewalk and breaks her collarbone. Reese is immediately blamed for not having raked the yard, and he feels so bad that he decides to do something nice to cheer up the family. As Malcolm is struggling with his new home in the yard, not even getting called for meals, a delivery man (David Weisenberg) shows up and issues a summons notifying them that Ida is suing them for her injury. Lois is furious, but she makes Hal and Francis promise not to tell the other boys. Lois feels so sick over this that she throws up, and when she visits the doctor (Mark Chaet), she finds out that she is pregnant. Meanwhile, Francis and Piama decide they want to be intimate, so they look for a place in the house where they can have some alone time, but when Ida gets in the way, they are forced to throw Malcolm out of his tent. Hal and Lois break the news to her mother about her pregnancy, hoping it will convince her to drop the charges, but instead, Ida advises them to settle. Hal tries to comfort Lois by telling her that they can get through anything, but then goes to the car and has a sobbing meltdown, while a hidden Malcolm hears it from the back seat. Later, Ida brings her lawyer (David Rasche) over to the house to discuss the case. When Malcolm tries to get in the house, they have locked him out, so he has to come in through the window. He demands to know what is going on, so Lois and Hal tell him everything. The other boys then return, and Reese is ready to present his surprise to the family. However, when Hal then announces that their insurance has been cancelled, neither parent is happy to hear that Reese has ordered them an above-ground pool, and the men are there to install it. All of the kids are up in arms when they find out that their mother is pregnant, so she sends them all to their rooms. While they are there, they mention the fact that all of their resources will now go to their baby brother. Once they’ve said it out loud, they have a sudden change of heart about having a new brother. The boys go downstairs and apologize about how they reacted. The lawyer decides that he won’t handle the case since the family now has no money. Ida decides that she is now well enough to leave. Later, Malcolm mentions that everyone is gone, and things are back to normal… except for Lois’s hormones. They all flee in fear when Hal tells them that someone left the cap off of the toothpaste. 9/1/24

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