The Terrible Catsafterme

SEASON 1 – NBC

Theme song: “Time for You” by The Tories

• 001. A Side of Chile – 9/24/1998
  • Jesse Warner (Christina Applegate) is a single mother living in Buffalo, New York, raising her young son “Little” John (Eric Lloyd) while working for her father John (George Dzundza) at a German bar. She lives with her brother, John Jr. (John Lehr), who has voluntarily decided to remain silent, and Darren (David DeLuise) comes to stay with her as well. An attractive new neighbor named Diego Vasquez (Bruno Campos) asks Jesse out on a date, and she tries her best to refuse him despite having a very obvious crush on him. She agrees to do laundry with him, and they end up kissing and falling asleep in the car all night. She tells him that she has to break it off with him because she is so busy with life – but she truly is just afraid of losing him like she did her ex-husband. John Jr., without speaking, convinces her to go see him. Meanwhile, Darren enters a get-rich scheme by purchasing 8000 garden gnomes, but when they arrive, he finds they are unpainted. Liza Snyder plays Linda. Jennifer Milmore is Carrie. Fred Stoller is the delivery man Fred. Christopher Darga is the sleazy bar patron. 10/21/14

• 002. Goober Up the Nose – 10/1/1998
  • Jesse and Diego go on a date to the movies and wears big underwear to keep herself from sleeping with him. At the theater, Diego tosses a Goober candy into her mouth, and she ends up choking on it and hacking it into her nose. They go the emergency room where they encounter a persnickety male nurse named Kurt Bemis (Daniel Theirse) and Jesse embarrassed to get into her robe because of her underwear. When her father shows up, he blames Diego for Jesse’s condition, which causes him to storm off. Jesse is angered by her father’s actions, but she seems to forgive him, and he seems to be more tolerant of her dating. Diego says he still wants to date her and gives her a kiss to end their first date…although Jesse’s face is still numb with Novocain. Meanwhile Carrie tries to get Darren to notice her. 10/21/14
• 003. Bees Do It, Birds Do It, But Not in a Car – 10/8/1998
  • Before Jesse goes on a date with Diego, Little John asks her if Diego is going to be her father. She is so taken aback by the question that she tells Diego, who too is unable to concentrate on the date after that. Linda and Carrie advise her to put parenting aside for one night, so Jesse returns to his house and asks to go for a ride. Back home, Little John asks his uncles about sex, so they feed him candy in order to put a stop to the questions. Jesse’s dare is interrupted when she gets paged so that her Darren can tell her that Little John has thrown up. Although Little John admits that it’s his own fault for pretending not to know about sex in order to get candy, Jesse ends the date to go home. Diego gets points from her when he makes a special tea for Little John to help him feel better. 11/4/14
• 004. Live Nude Girls – 10/15/1998
  • As Jesse is getting ready to go to Diego’s house for dinner, she spots him with another woman from Little John’s room – which she is helping Darren move into. She shows up early for the dinner and finds the girl naked in his house. It turns out that he is painting her…but she is also his ex-girlfriend Marcy (Marci Brickhouse). Jesse can’t help but be jealous and proceeds to spy on them, first from Little John’s room, then on John Jr.’s shoulders through his window. She ends up crashing through the window, and Diego gets angry that she doesn’t trust him. She tells him that her ex-husband Roy had cheated on her, and that she wants to take the relationship slow…which Diego understands. 11/4/14
• 005. Boo! He’s Back – 10/29/1998
  • Jesse and Diego head out for a getaway with the intention of consummating their relationship. They plan to be back so that they can take Little John trick-or-treating in the “free will” costume that John Jr. helped him design. Darren has ordered a horse costume for him and his father, but only two of the rear ends show up. Jesse is called back home when Little John’s father Roy (Michael Weatherly) shows up to see his son after a seven-year absence when he walked out on them when he and Jesse were 19 years old. Jesse rushes home, much to the chagrin of Diego, and orders that Roy leave the house. Little John’s disappointment of not getting to see his father, and her father’s advice end up softening he rand allowing Roy to join them all in trick or treating. Diego comes along dressed as a vampire, with Roy dressed as the cowboy opposite Jesse’s Indian. As they all head out, Linda’s notes that’s she betting on the cowboy to win Jesse over. Angela Paton appears as Mrs. Baum. 12/4/14
• 006. The Methadone Clinic – 11/5/1998
  • Diego asks Jesse to attend an art presentation at a gallery she has always assumed was a meth clinic. Diego hopes that the owner Mr. Bergen (Lane Davies) will host a show of Diego’s work, but he proves to be so pompous that Jesse gets in a fight with him and insults him severely. Back at home, Roy is watching Little John for a night of wresting on an illegal pay-per-view that John Jr. is attempting to hook up. Diego is clearly angry at Jesse and the two get in a snowball fight when they get home. Jesse goes inside and watches wrestling with Roy and Little John. Meanwhile, Carrie asks Linda to try and get Darren to go out with her, but Darren – who is taking a class on how to be a millionaire – thinks Linda is interested and he asks her out. Carrie convinces him that the only way to make Linda go out with him is to make her jealous by kissing her. 12/7/14
• 007. The Kiss – 11/12/1998
  • When Diego complains about how often Roy is hanging around, it leads to an argument just before Diego leaves for New York. When Little John gets a good grade on his Spelling test, Jesse and Roy embrace which leads to a kiss. Jesse is unsure whether she and Diego have broken up as a result of the fight. When he returns and apologizes, Jesse tries to keep Roy, who is trying to rekindle their romance, away from her and Diego. Eventually Jesse confesses her kiss, and when she seems unsure about what feelings she may have for Roy, Diego backs out of the relationship. Meanwhile Carrie keeps up her facade of dating Darren to make Linda jealous, and they go on a double date with Linda and a lout named Frank (Phil Buckman). When he insults Linda, Darren gets rough with him to defend her honor, finally causing Linda to take notice of him…and Carrie to fall even deeper for him. 1/19/15
• 008. The Cheese Ship – 11/19/1998
  • As Jesse prepares Thanksgiving dinner, she tries to get Diego to forgive her and invites him to dinner with her family, friends, and Roy. He refuses and comes down with a bad cold. Jesse tries to nurse him back to health while her family waits at home. Eventually she goes back home where her father is wrapped up in the Macy’s Parade, Junior has carved the Mayflower out of cheddar, and Little John wants to read his Thanksgiving paragraph, which talks about how happy he is now that his family is back together. Diego decides to come over but sees through the window Jesse with her arm around Roy and leaves. Meanwhile, Darren cranks up the appearance of his relationship with Carrie, which is actually starting to make Linda jealous…but she still won’t admit it to Carrie. 1/19/15
• 009. Barko, the Holiest Dog in the World – 12/10/1998
  • Diego is having a hard time getting over the kiss that Jesse and Roy shared, but he finally comes to his senses and wants to apologize. However, by that time she has accepted a date offer from Roy to go out to dinner. Diego interrupts the dinner, and when Jesse won’t end the date, he stays and hassles them throughout the meal. Meanwhile Carrie gets frustrated by not making headway with Darren and decides she can no longer pretend to go out with him. Linda attempts to tell Darren that she actually likes him now but has to stop when Darren confesses to her that he actually is starting to like Linda. Roy and Jesse end their date with a kiss, and as Roy leaves and passes Diego as he’s coming home, Roy tells Diego that he never had a chance because the way to Jesse was ‘through the kid.’ Jesse directs Little John in a Christmas play in which he plays Jesus with a dog named Barko (Jonathan Osser). 3/11/15
• 010. Boo! He’s Gone – 12/17/1998
  • Diego bangs on Jesse’s door in the middle of the night to tell Jesse what Roy has said to him and that he thinks that Roy is fundamentally evil. Jesse dismisses him, so Diego goes to visit Roy and finds another woman named Laura (Susie Park) at his apartment. Diego becomes hellbent on proving that he is telling the truth, so he takes photos of Roy with Laura, but Roy is friends with Tommy (Scott Menville), the guy at the photo lab, and gets him to sabotage the photos. Diego reaches his breaking point and punches Roy, which causes Jesse to berate Diego and get even closer to Roy. But when Little John finally speaks and backs up Diego saying that he saw him with Laura, Jesse finally believes Diego and she herself punches Roy. Diego is there to console her and accept her apology. Meanwhile Jesse is forced to discipline Linda for being late which causes a rift between them. In order to make up for it, Jesse offers her an old “Employee of the Month” plaque, which finally smooths things over. 3/10/15
• 011. The Best Possible Deal – 1/14/1999
  • Diego and Jesse reconnect when his car breaks down, and he goes to look for another one. Jesse accompanies him to help negotiate, but Diego is so anxious to get the Centuria that he folds under the pressure of salesman Dwayne (David Faustino). Jesse then poses as Diego’s wife in order to talk his price down, which to leads to a couple of kisses between them. When Dwayne gives his ‘best price’ that isn’t good enough for Jesse, she finally convinces Diego to walk… forcing Dwayne to go even lower until Jesse finally accepts the offer. They agree to stick with being friends… right before her car won’t start either. Meanwhile Darren and John Jr. are both eyeballing a girl named Dana (Lisa Thornhill) at the bar, and she agrees to sleep with Darren right away, despite being depressed. John Jr. ends up cheering her up and giving her hope and she leaves the bar without either of them. 5/27/15
• 012. The Mischievous Elf – 1/21/1999
  • Jesse goes back to school to take the one math class necessary to get her high school diploma so that she can go to college to become a nurse. Her teacher Sean (Glenn Quinn) asks her out on a date. She is going to accept but then is convinced by Linda and Carrie that it is really Diego whom she likes, but as she is about to ask him out, he reveals that he is going on a date with his student Gwen (Pauley Perrette). She goes on a disastrous date with Sean during which she is roped into playing Dungeons & Dragons with him and his friends Seth (T.J. Thyne), Terry (Philip Pavel), and Will (Jason S. Kassin). She admits to Diego that her date was terrible, but he has to admit that his was fun. Meanwhile Darren decides to pursue a career and based on the advice of Little John, he chooses advertising. 5/28/15
• 013. My Casual Friend’s Wedding – 1/28/1999
  • Shortly after Linda breaks up with her boyfriend Tony, she, Jesse, and Carrie attend the wedding of their high school friend April (Megan Ward). Linda has a bad association with the Rossmore Country Club where the wedding is going to be held because her mom used to work as a janitor there and Linda was shunned by the other girls there. Carrie has manufactured a friendship with April, who can’t even recall Carrie’s name. Jesse is asked to be the Maid of Honor at the last minute and agrees. Linda makes out with a guy in the coat room, who turns out to be Tad (Charles Esten) the groom. Jesse wants to tell April about it, but Linda is afraid people will think she is trashy, so Jesse confronts Tad on her own. April finds out that Tad was seen kissing someone, and thinks it was Jesse when she walks in on Jesse confronting him. Linda admits that hit was her, which prompts several other women to come forward and admit they’ve made out with him as well. Meanwhile, John Sr. has to rely on Diego to help at the bar while the waitresses are at the wedding and his own sons prove incompetent. John has a hard time telling Diego he appreciates it, but eventually does. 7/18/15
• 014. Hickory, Dickory, Death – 2/4/1999
  • Jesse thinks that she is still going to be Diego’s date for a university party that they planned before they broke up. She is a bit hurt when she realizes that he replaced her with Gwen. Since the guys at home are watching a Humphrey Bogart movie, Jesse has a daydream in black & white film noir fashion narrated by Diego, who is a private investigator named Diamond. In the fantasy Gwen is shot and killed, and Jesse goes to Diamond to prove that she didn’t commit the murder. As Diamond investigates the murder, he ends up in an affair with Jesse, who ends up shooting him. He survives and Jesse admits that she killed Gwen, but Diamond doesn’t care because he’s in love with her. She pushes him away to keep him out of trouble. Back in reality, Jesse contemplates her sad and mixed emotions about Diego, and they try to set ground rules for remaining friends. In the fantasy, Jesse calls Diamond back and they embrace as lovers and are together, but in reality, she lets him leave. 7/18/15
• 015. Crazy White Female – 2/11/1999
  • Diego begins avoiding Gwen and tries to convince Jesse that Gwen is crazy, although when Jesse confronts her, she finds Gwen to be very nice and wonders if Diego is just trying to avoid commitment. However, when Gwen begins dressing like Jesse and obsessing over both of them, Jesse and Diego try to get rid of her… and only succeed when they pretend to hang themselves. At that point Gwen latches on to Darren. Meanwhile John Sr. is nervous about asking out his former crush Mary Anne Myers (Cheryl Ladd), now a beer delivery woman. Mary Anne finally asks John Sr. out and he refuses because he is afraid that he’ll have to have sex. Linda talks John Sr. into going for it, and they end up having a great Valentines date. 9/30/15
• 016. Bar Remodel – 2/18/1999
  • When John Sr. decides to drive to Alaska to Climb Mount McKinley with Mary Anne, he gives the bar to his kids to run. Once Jesse realizes that they can’t sell it because they owe more than they can get out of it, she decides that she and her brothers will run it. Unfortunately, they have no intention of helping, so Jesse gets angry and kicks them out. They try staying with Carrie, but she is obsessive about her stuffed animals, and Linda is sick, so they end up with Diego. Darren gets angry because John Jr. suggests that Darren should be helping with the bar. Later they find out that Jesse has failed her nursing exam, and they decide to show up and work at the bar so that Jesse can concentrate on her studies. 9/30/15
• 017. Touched by an Angel – 2/25/1999
  • When Diego buys Jesse a stethoscope and practices using it on him, their passion becomes out of control. Jesse decides that they can be just friends and sleep together as well, so agrees to come back later that night. Carrie and Linda get Jesse worried that their first time together might not go well, so that night when they try to consummate their relationship, Jesse breaks out with hives caused by her nerves. Carrie and Linda then convince her to try again – while ‘fooling’ the hives – but she gets the same results. Meanwhile Darren comes up with the idea to give the bar a Charlie’s Angels theme, with each girl dressing as a character. Jesse blows it off, until Darren tells her that her lack of respect is causing mutiny from the other girls as well. Jesse tries on the costume, and when seen by Diego, leads to another passionate moment… this time without the hives. 12/12/15
• 018. Cecil, the Angry Postman – 3/4/1999
  • Jesse cannot keep her mind off of Diego as she works on her homework and ends up penning him a mock letter confessing her love and desire to have children with him. After yelling at Little John for not doing his chores, he goes overboard and does them all and mails the letter to Diego. Jesse tries to get the letter back at the post office, but the clerk Cecil (Scott Thompson) is a mail carrier she had previously thrown off his route. Cecil later gets his job back and shows up with the letter, but out of spite drops it in Deigo’s mail slot. Jesse tries to retrieve the letter, but gets her arm caught in the slot. Diego comes home and finds Jesse stuck, and after quickly reading the letter without her knowledge, helps her out and returns the letter. Jesse has no idea that Diego has read it, and after she leaves Diego quietly says, “I love you too.” 12/12/15
• 019. The Parent Trap – 3/11/1999
  • Diego’s parents (Pepe Serna, Irene Olga Lopez) are coming for a visit from Chile, but Diego is reluctant to have Jesse meet them because there is a lot of friction between Diego and them because he did not stay and follow in his father’s footsteps in the wheel business. Jesse volunteers to act as a buffer and show them a good time. She picks them up from the airport while Diego is working, and they immediately connect with Jesse and her family despite the fact that they don’t speak English. Unfortunately, when Diego sees them, he informs Jesse that they are not his parents. Jesse accompanies them to pick up the real Vasquezes, Pedro (Reni Santoni) and Rosa (Liz Torres), but the trip home is awkward, and dinner is made even more awkward when a provocative male dancer comes onstage and accosts Rosa. Back home Diego tells Jesse that he has told his parents that if they ever treat Jesse, the woman he loves, like that again, they can go back to Chile and stay. Meanwhile John returns from his trip and hates the changes that the kids have made at the bar. 2/14/16
• 020. Momma Was a Rollin’ Stone – 3/18/1999
  • When Jesse finds out that Little John is being picked on at school by a bully named Moe (Shia LeBeouf), she goes to confront the parents of the boy, only to find that the kid’s stepmother is none other than her own mother Susan (Lesley Ann Warren), who has married a man named Fez Foose of the band the Ass Police, and father of Moe. She tries to re-connect with her mother despite the fact that her father and brothers want nothing to do with her. When Susan tells Jesse that she needs $5000 to get out of her current situation, Jesse is able to scrape together $1200 to give her, only to find that her mother now wants to take off to South America to clear her head. Jesse is crestfallen and confesses to Diego that she’s always wanted the type of mother who makes cookies and applies Band-Aids, and not wanting to be taken advantage of, Jesse barges onto her mother’s plane to Lima and confronts her. Injured and crying in the airport, her mother feels bad and gets off the plane and gives Jesse a Band-Aid, which is what she has always wanted. Brian Posehn is Susan and Fez’s roommate Terry. Carlos Lacamara is the gate attendant. 2/15/16
• 021. Finders Keepers – 3/25/1999
  • Darren renames the bar Drinkies and hosts a scavenger hunt with a Harley-Davidson motorcycle as the prize. Diego and Jesse participate and while looking for a bug in the park, they find an abandoned baby. The police officer at the station was a former classmate of Jesse’s named Ernie (Thomas Lennon) who had a crush on her, so he agrees to let Jesse keep the baby for the night. She soon becomes attached and decides to keep the baby, despite Diego’s protests and getting her friends and family to back him up. Soon they are on her side, but Diego won’t admit to being a ‘baby person’… until he is th only one to get the baby to stop crying. Diego wants to name her Isabella, but the police call Jesse to report that they’ve found the mother. Jesse chastises the mother Mrs. Carlson (Heidi Mokrycki) for leaving the baby in the park, but then finds out that she had actually been carjacked. Diego gets the most emotional of all to see the baby go. Joyce Guy is the police officer Teresa. 5/12/16
• 022. I Do, I Think I Do – 4/1/1999
  • Jesse receives a full scholarship offer to the Rochester School of Nursing, while Diego gets fired because his university is cutting back on the art department. Without a job, Diego is in danger of losing his visa and being deported. He takes a job at the bar but is tracked down by an INS agent (Michael Winters) and is told that he will be deported in 48 hours if he doesn’t find a job. He ends up getting hired at UCLA, but Jesse is upset that he will moving to California… but refuses to uproot her son and herself to go with him. She and Linda get drunk together, and Linda suggest that she marry Diego, but Jesse refuses. While drunk she goes to see Diego who asks Jesse to marry him, while stressing that he would never ask if he didn’t want to spend the rest of his life with her. NOTE: This is the last appearance of series regulars George Dzundza, John Lehr, and David DeLuise. 5/12/16

SEASON 2

• 023. Jesse’s New Job – 9/23/1999
  • Jesse declines Diego’s marriage proposal, so Diego moves away to California. Four months later Jesse is trying to get a job at the university hospital and Linda is staying at Diego’s house until she can sell it. Linda is discouraging every potential buyer so that she can stay there. Jesse interviews poorly with the persnickety admitting assistant Kurt, who won’t hire her because she seems so distracted, but then reconsiders so that Jesse can clean up some vomit. With Little John feeling neglected, Jesse walks out on the job when Kurt won’t her leave early for one of his hockey games. Diego surprises Jesse when he returns to his old job and formally asks her to marry him again. When she declines because there is too much going on in her life, he becomes bitter that he left his California job to return for her. Jesse later reconsiders keeping her hospital job, but Kurt won’t re-hire her. She goes over his head and makes her plea with young Dr. Danny Kozak (Kevin Rahm) and he lets her come back. Diego demands that Linda leave his house, but she refuses. 8/15/16
• 024. Driving Miss Jesse – 9/30/1999
  • When Jesse’s Volkswagen Beetle won’t start but refuses a ride with Diego because he is still bitter about his rejection. When she is late for work, Danny offers to let her ride home with him and Kurt in his electric car. Meanwhile Diego threatens to call the police if Linda won’t leave, but she convinces him to give her another day until she can see an apartment… but Linda does nothing. Jesse gets her car back, and she gives Danny and Kurt a ride the next morning when Danny forgets to plug in his car. Little John’s red ants science project gets loose in her car, and everyone in the car is bitten by them. Diego apologizes for his childish behavior and gives Jesse, Danny, and Kurt a ride home, and then goes on another tirade about being rejected by Jesse. Linda tells Diego that she is going to have to move out because Jesse is jealous, which causes Diego to demand that she stay to irritate Jesse, who really couldn’t care less. Danny and Kurt offer to pick Jesse up once again, but when Jesse scratches his car with an umbrella, Jesse ends up taking the bus. 8/15/16
• 025. Students Get Flu/Carrie at Zoo/Monkey Throw Poo – 10/7/1999
  • A flu epidemic breaks out around the school, and Danny is scared to death of getting sick. Meanwhile Diego insists that Linda re-paint his kitchen that she had painted a different color. Linda fears that Little John is going to become a geek for hanging out with his geeky friend Gabe (Michael Welch). Carrie pulls Jesse away from work, which costs Jesse $20 and working extra for Kurt, and only ends up expressing an issue with Russell, a monkey at work. Jesse yells out Carrie for wasting her time on a trivial problem, but then feels better when she finds out how much Carrie loves Russell. She visits her at the zoo and makes it up to her, nearly getting hit by his flung poop. Carrie and Linda realize that Little John just likes hanging out with Gabe’s hot mother Susan (Brande Roderick). Andy Brewster is Phil McCraken. Susan Yeagley and Regan Burns are students. Val Lauren is Nick. Joe Finfera makes his first of three appearances. 10/28/16
• 026. Everything But the Grill – 10/14/1999
  • Jesse wants to take advantage of the warm Fall weather and host a brisket barbeque. Danny has a crush on Carrie, so invites himself and Kurt to attend. Linda is concerned with how much Diego has been moping around, so she invites him as well. Diego doesn’t wanto be appear that he has no plans so he invites the package delivery guy Fred to attend with him. When Fred’s strangeness becomes apparent, Jesse tells Diego how she was just trying to help him get over his depression. Diego gets furious at her pity, and takes the grill, claiming that he had paid for it when they bought it together. They end up cooking the brisket on a rake until Jesse finally calls of the party. Danny ends up buying the grill so they can continue with the party, but Carrie ends up leaving for a ride on the delivery truck with Fred. Diego apologizes for his behavior, and they agree to try and take their friendship slowly. Meanwhile Kurt spends his time alone reading at the party and initially bests Little John and his friends Gabe and Tori (Natasha Slayton) when he gets involved with their board games, with his winnings involving them doing tasks for him. However, the tables are turned when they destroy him playing video games. 10/30/16
• 027. Jesse vs. Kurt – 10/21/1999
  • Jesse is happy to be included in the ‘crew’ with Danny and Kurt when Danny invites her to lunch. Kurt is visibly distraught by it and seems to be trying to get her fired by telling Danny that she mixed up two medical charts. Jesse is tempted to unleash her inner lion, but ultimately decides to suck up to Kurt. When Kurt refuses to go to lunch, Jesse goes with Danny alone and finds out that Kurt told him that Jesse is a kleptomaniac. Jesse tries to confront Kurt, but he keeps avoiding her until she backs him into a corner. He tells Jesse that up until now, Danny has not been able to see how much of a jerk he is and he is afraid that Kurt’s jerkiness will stand out compared to Jesse. She assures him that Danny knows he’s a jerk but likes him anyway and demands that he stop messing with her. Meanwhile when Diego accidentally sees Diego topless, she becomes convinced that he has feelings for her, despite his total lack of interest. He finally finds out from Little John why she is acting so smug and adamantly tells her that he has no feelings for her whatsoever. Diego tries to assure Jesse that nothing is going on between them, but she seems completely uninterested in the conversation, prompting him to say that it’s possible that he could love Linda… right within her earshot. 2/2/17
• 028. Jesse’s Flat Tire – 11/4/1999
  • With Little John away for several days on a class trip, Jesse has some time alone, but fakes illness so that she doesn’t have to come into work… much to the hostile suspicious of Kurt. Meanwhile she gets a flat tire on her car, and when Diego helps her fix it, their encounter turns intimate and after getting rid of Kurt and Danny, who have come to check on her, and Linda and Carrie, who have gotten kicked out of a bar and come to watch a movie with her, they wind up in bed together. Jesse tells Linda she is relieved that Diego has finally come around to simply having a good time after she has turned down his three proposals. However Carrie finds out form Diego that he is going to propose to her again, and has hidden an engagement ring in the chocolate souffle he prepared. When Carrie reveals this secret to Linda, she calls Jesse to warn her just as she is eating the souffle, and suddenly – and obviously – she becomes terrified of it. Diego says he is tired of making an ass of himself, while Jesse pleads with him that they can just take things slow and have fun. When Jesse answers the door to get some C.O.D. flowers from Kurt, Diego leaves. Jennifer Lambert is the pissed off nurse. Jason Peck is the delivery guy. 2/3/17
• 029. A Woman’s Prerogative: The Jesse Warner Story – 12/2/1999
  • Jesse uses her spare key to enter Diego’s house and try to seduce him, but Diego reiterates that he can’t just date her casually. Meanwhile Danny continues to pine for Carrie, who accepts the date from a random loser college student named Patrick (Vince Vieluf). Danny manages to scare off Danny, but still fails to get the date with her. When Diego picks Linda up from one of her horrible dates, Diego lectures her about dating a nice guy. When Linda mentions how perfect Diego is, and then Jesse witnesses Diego helping Little John when he scrapes his knee, Jesse decides to accept Diego’s marriage offer, but encounters him fighting with his garbage disposal. Just as she is ready to make a grand gesture – using a model diorama that she made for him – she witnesses him welcoming a woman named Irma (Jacqueline Obradors) into his home and kisses. 5/21/17
• 030. L’Eggo My Diego – 12/9/1999
  • Jesse finds out from Linda that Irma is an old childhood girlfriend from Chile who has arrived unexpectedly to try and rekindle their romance. Jesse goes to visit them and brings a pie and finds out from Irma that she and Diego were once engaged but she left him on her wedding day. Meanwhile Danny finally asks Carrie out for a date, and she agrees, but when they go to a nightclub where Kurt likes to go to dance, an angry and depressed Jesse joins them. In order to prevent Danny from crying on his shoulder, Kurt keeps Jesse busy by trying to dance with her, although she is largely uninterested. Diego shows up to apologizes to Jesse, but she tries to avoid him by suddenly livening up and dancing until the bar closes. When Danny realizes his date is going terribly, he has a minor meltdown… but Carrie bolsters him up with a couple of kisses. Once the bar closes, Diego apologizes. Jesse nearly tells him what she was going to do the night Irma arrived, but then keeps it a secret. She also gives him a passionate kiss as a secret he can keep from Irma. 5/21/17
• 031. The Christmas Party – 12/16/1999
  • Jesse plans to host a Christmas tree trimming party, and she invites Diego and Irma to attend. Diego not only accepts but volunteers to put up Jesse’s Christmas lights for her. However, he forgets that he and Irma are supposed to attend a party at the mayor’s house and has to cancel both things, which causes Jesse to believe that Diego doesn’t have his priorities in place. Meanwhile Little John plans to go to Rockerfeller Center for the holiday but stand him up when he has to work. Making matters worse, he also gets stuck behind the toilet while hiding from Tori. Linda and Kurt are at odds for duration of the party, which digresses into physical pranks on each other: Linda spraying Kurt’s cookies with a fire extinguisher, and Kurt retaliating by pouring milk in her purse. When Danny makes an offhand remark about thinking Jesse is attractive, Carrie gives him the cold shoulder all night…until he claims not to have noticed that Irma was pretty. Diego has some extra time before leaving and he assists getting John unstuck from the toilet and puts up a massive display of lights for Jesse. This nearly leads to a romantic moment between them until Irma shows up to scoop up Diego for the other party. Carrie and Kurt draw a truce for the holidays after she staples his coat to the house. 1/7/18
• 032. Jesse as Nurse, Fills In: Diego Throws Ice at Children – 12/23/1999
  • During a bad snow, Diego gets irritated with John, Tori, and Gabe as they throw snowballs, but Linda eventually gets him to join in the fight… but then declares that he is ‘no fun’ when, after being ganged-up on, he comes up with a list of rules, then quits. Meanwhile Carrie tells Danny that Jesse said she resents that Kurt never lets her assist as a nurse. When Carrie brings in an unconscious frozen squirrel, Danny and Kurt let her assist. She nurses it back to health and it wakes up, but then disappears. It is later found dead inside Kurt’s giant hat. Jesse feels bad that it died, but Kurt tells her that she did a good job with the squirrel, which brightens her day. Jesse helps Diego get back at Linda, by calling her outside and the pushing snow on her head from the roof. Lisa Hoover is the upset patient. 1/7/18
• 033. Kurt Slips, Niagara Falls – 1/6/2000
  • Linda encourages Jesse to talk to Diego about the ‘moment’ they shared at Christmas, and they indeed have another moment in a similar vein. However, Irma is still living with Diego, so Jesse is patient. Meanwhile Kurt injures his back while moving boxes at work, and his doctor Jeff Hanson (Dan Gauthier) asks out Jesse. Confident that Diego will soon be coming around, she refuses the date. However, when Diego and Irma go away for a weekend to Niagara Falls, Jesse changes her mind. In Niagara Falls, Irma appears in a wedding dress and asks Diego to marry her. Diego panics and runs home to Jesse, who has just accepted the date with Jeff. Diego now understands why Jesse panicked when Diego asked her to marry him, and the two agree to simply renew their relationship with no marriage pressure. Dr. Jeff is left in the lurch. Dr. Danny, who seems to be in competition with Dr. Jeff is heartsick with Linda out of town on a zoo field trip. Kurt recognizes his nurse Rosemary (Merrin Dungey) as a former fellow student from nursing school with whom he did not get along. When she gives him Demerol, he changes his tune, and also offers a serenade of (Sittin’ on) The Dock of the Bay to Jesse and Diego. 9/16/18
• 034. Small Time Felon: The Jesse Warner Story: Part 2 – 1/13/2000
  • Jesse’s car is stolen, and she is thrilled to be receiving a $2000 settlement from the insurance company. She finds a used Volvo that she is in love with, but then as she and Diego are enjoying it, she locates her call in an alley. She decides not to report it, but she is plagued with dreams involving Calvin the cigar smoking fish and Dr. Danny in his underwear. She wakes up and decides to report the location of the car to the police, so she visits Officer Ernie. However, when they go to retrieve the car, they find it no longer there, so the officer reluctantly gives her a warning about waiting so long to report it. Later she and Diego spot her original car again, realizing that they had gone to the wrong alley. Jesse decides to report the car again… but it is smashed by a falling block of cement. Meanwhile Danny and Carrie are looking for ways to spice up their live life, so they individually turn to Linda and Kurt for advice. They both blow them off, but then realize it is a golden opportunity to play a trick on them. Kurt tells Linda that Danny likes to be flicked with rubber bands, and Linda tells Danny that she likes it when he rubs mustard on his body. The trick goes awry when Carrie injures Danny’s eye, and he is forced to wear an eye patch. They both tell Kurt and Linda that they’ll no longer be coming to them for sexual advice… but are happy because they’ve hit on a new role-playing device, since Danny now looks like a pirate. Colin Stanley is a cub scout. 9/16/18
• 035. The Rock – 1/20/2000
  • Jesse, Linda, and Carrie all get invited to their tenth high school anniversary, but all of them decide to blow it off since high school was so miserable. However, while getting her shot on Flu Free Friday, Carrie decides that she wants to go after all and show off her doctor boyfriend. Jessie is also on board for going, but Linda flat out refuses and tries to demand that Jesse not go. Jesse tells her that she can’t boss her around any long like she did in high school, but when the night of the reunion comes, she and Carrie decide it would be the same without Linda, so they and their boyfriends all head to the airport bar to spend the evening with Linda where she is working. However, when they arrive, they find out that her boss Scott (Scott N. Stevens) has fired her for making fun of customers’ destination. They go searching for her at their old hangout “the rock” in the woods and find her there lamenting that it wasn’t cute anymore like it was in high school when she was constantly being fired. The girls convince Linda that she was a good friend and lit a fire under them to achieve their success. Two other guys from the reunion, Rob Sardi (Chris Bruno) and Jamie (Peter Birkenhead), show up at the rock, and Linda hits it off with Rob. Meanwhile Diego finds out that Jesse’s nickname in high school was “lovebug” because she got caught having sex in a car. Diego tries to pretend he was a bad boy in high school, but ultimately admits he was a nerd, so Jesse agrees to take away his ‘carginity’. 6/5/19
• 036. Jesse Gives Birth – 2/3/2000
  • Jesse hosts movie night with her friends and they end up watching Kurt’s choice The Sound of Music, much to the boredom of everyone. Diego and Jesse wind up in a side conversation when he talks about how much fun it would be to have seven kids, and she seems content not having any. Through flashback she recalls her life when she was eight months pregnant, living with her Granny Rose (Grace Zabriskie) who doesn’t know she’s pregnant, and getting ready to get her driver’s license and drive to New York City for a Guns ‘n’ Roses concert with Carrie and Linda. At the DMV, she gets her license but as she’s getting her picture taken by the worker (Lorna Scott), her water breaks. She winds up in the hospital with her friends and delivers the baby. Carrie informs her grandmother who comes to her side and offers to let Jesse have her house if she’ll name the baby John rather than Axl Rose. Jesse concedes to Diego that she’d be willing to have two more kids. He pushes for more, until Little John smarts off, and he decides he’s content with two. Kurt gets irritated with Julie Andrews in the movie, while Linda becomes enraptured by it. Danny laments the fact that he once played Rolf and never got off being branded as a Nazi. Brenda Isaacs Booth is the nurse, and Brad Koepenick is the doctor. 6/6/19 
• 037. My Boyfriend Went to Chile and All I Got Was This Lousy Mustache – 2/10/2000
  • Diego returns from a trip to Chile with a mustache that Jesse can’t stand. Diego promises to shave it off for her, but when Danny comments that he is ‘whipped’, Diego refuses to remove it. Jesse asks repeatedly, gives him a razor for Valentine’s Day, and applies fake hair to her armpits, all to no avail. Finally when he realizes he had cheese stuck in it all through his classes, Jesse realizes that he hates it as well. He admits that Danny said he was ‘whipped’, which causes Jesse and Linda to break down laughing since Danny is so whipped by Carrie. Meanwhile Linda gets a job with campus security, thanks to Jesse backing her up on the many lies she told in her interview with head of security Steve Diamond (Matt Landers). When she has Kurt’s car towed from where he regularly parks in a loading zone and gives Danny a speeding ticket for going 12 in an 8, Jesse agrees she is only doing her job, but when she confiscates some bedpans that were going to be thrown out and are now being used to help grow Jesse’s herb garden, Jesse gets angry. However, when Kurt finds her resume full of lies and plans to have her fired, Jesse offers Kurt her parking space if he will not pursue it. Linda is reprimanded for being so over-zealous in her duties, so she brings the bedpans back to Jesse, who acknowledges that this is her first time trying to do well, but she needs to find the middle ground. Diego and Danny get in a shouting match on who is more whipped, which is interrupted by their respective girlfriends giving the orders, Jesse’s being to go shave the mustache. 2/22/20
• 038. Jesse’s Coat a Useful Crutch, Diego’s Kitchen, Not So Much – 2/24/2000
  • Diego has laid down the gauntlet regarding Linda cleaning up the kitchen, and although she knows it is an experiment to see how long she can go without cleaning it, she doesn’t lift a finger. Eventually Diego blows up and orders her to get it down, but before she can even start, the kitchen catches on fire. The fireman (Jon Finfera) speculates that it started when the garbage fell onto the stove. Diego orders Linda out, but Jesse asks that he have mercy on her. Diego is adamant about her leaving until he finds out that the fire actually started by his own turpentine stored near an outlet. He is ready to tell Linda this, but then she offers him a check for $10,000, so Jesse intervenes and tells Linda that Diego forgives her and that she is to take back the money and use it for rent… and agree to clean the house every day. Meanwhile, when a student (Anil Raman) and a delivery guy (Paul Schackman) don’t recognize Jesse as an employee at the hospital, she demands that Kurt allow her to wear a hospital coat. He maintains that it has to be earned, so Jesse goes out and buys one on her own. When both Danny and Carrie let her know that they don’t approve, Jesse stops wearing the coat. However, when Kurt faces a large guy (Brian Leckner) with a temper who has a staple in his hand, Jesse intervenes and orders him to apologize to Kurt, and she removes the staple. This prompts Kurt to finally give her the hospital coat. Alexia Roberts is the girl with the urine. 2/23/20
• 039. The Dump – 3/2/2000
  • Not seeing the sun in Buffalo for 38 straight day is taking its toll on Diego, who keeps sinking further into depression, which is driving Jesse crazy. Meanwhile, Carrie is irritated with Danny because every time they go out, he invites someone else to tag along. They finally have a date for just two… but then he decides they need to cheer up Diego, so he invites him and everyone else tom come along. Kurt suggests a piano bar, but this seems to depress Diego even more. Kurt is taken with the classical music played by Floyd (William V. Malpede), but another customer (James Paradise) gives Floyd a large tip to play showtunes. The song Hello Dolly seems to finally cheer up Diego, so Jesse encourages him to enjoy it to the fullest. His singing irritates the guy who paid for it, and he winds up punching Diego and giving him a black eye. Carrie lays into Danny for their lack of alone time, so he promises to do better. Jesse’s next attempt to buy two tickets so they can go to Bermuda. This cheers him up, and when his new refrigerator arrives, he is even happier. Unfortunately, Linda has sent the old refrigerator to the dump, and it contained Diego’s passport hidden inside. They all go to the dump to look for it, but the guy (Tait Smith) tells them that although he knows where the refrigerator is, it has been emptied out earlier. Carrie is still angry at Danny because he continues to make new friends wherever they go. Jesse cannot get a refund on the Bermuda tickets, so Danny snaps them up for him and Carrie. Jesse starts painting a beach scene on Diego’s empty kitchen wall. He helps as well, and they wind up with a nice mural to lay out next and drink tropical drinks. It seems like paradise until Linda comes to lay out and blare the loud metal music. 6/2/20
• 040. Diego’s First Sleepover – 3/16/2000
  • Jesse and Diego have been taking advantage of the times that John is gone so they can be together romantically. With an upcoming sleepover at Gabe’s and skateboarding with him the following morning, Jesse finally sees this as a time that Diego and sleep over. Meanwhile Linda is taking boxing classes, and Carrie casually mentions that she could whip Linda in a fight. Jesse won’t let them fight in the kitchen, so they decide to schedule a time in the boxing ring at the gym. Neither Jesse nor Danny approves of them fighting, but Diego and Kurt both will take delight in them pummeling one another. During Diego’s first night over, they are interrupted half clothed when John comes home to get his helmet. The next morning, they talk to John about Diego staying over, and he says he doesn’t mind. Therefore, they start to have kid-sanctioned sleepovers, but they are still worried that John will hear them. One night they wait four and a half hours after putting him to bed, and then when they start to be romantic, they hear the toilet flush so Diego leaves. Kurt agrees to act as referee for the fight, during which the gals immediately remove their gloves and put each other in a headlock that last roughly 45 minutes. Diego, Jesse, and Danny figure out that they’re fighting and head to gym to witness the stalemate, during which Linda and Carrie confess they miss hanging out. Danny and Diego are too busy jumping on the trampolines to worry about them. Diego and Jesse try one more time with the sleepover, but by the time Jesse is ready to do adult things, Diego is asleep. Jason Peck is the delivery guy. 6/3/20
• 041. First Blood – 5/25/2000
  • After having a random dream that Diego has been faking voice and actually has a quite squeaky, nerdy sound, Jesse prepares a special meal for him to celebrate him getting a professorship at the college. Unfortunately, when he comes home, he announces that he didn’t get the job after all – and worse yet, they are bringing in a visiting professor from London named Dawson (Hal Ozsan), with whom Diego has to share his studio. Diego takes an immediate dislike to him, and it gradually becomes worse as Dawson attempts to critique and fix Diego’s painting, takes naked naps on the floor, and then paints over Diego’s painting a nude portrait of Jesse. This causes Diego to smash the painting over his head. Meanwhile Jesse finds out that her male predecessor was paid more than her, and Kurt explains that it is because he was a phlebotomist. Jesse insists that Kurt teach her how to draw blood, if she will agree not to complain about menstrual cramps. He tries to teach her on an orange, but she insists on trying it on loser student named Patrick…but when she tries to put the needle in, she passes out. Kurt loses respect and makes fun of her for being so fearful, so Danny and Carrie bring in a cat which petrifies Kurt and make him hold it. Although rattled, he tells Jesse that he at least faced his fear. She responds by offering to take his blood, and once he agrees, she does it successfully. Linda arrives in the hospital and tells Diego that she has to escort him out because he has been fired for his assault on Dawson, which causes Diego himself to faint as well. NOTE: This the first of a two-part episode. 9/15/20
• 042. My Best Friend’s Wedding – 5/25/2000
  • Jesse is having trouble seeing, so she makes an appointment with an eye doctor. After being fired, Diego must find a job in the art field in order for immigration to allow him to stay in the country. He finally finds one at the mall working as a caricaturist at the Doodle Wagon in the food court. Carrie suggests that if Diego and Jesse get married, he can remain in the country. Both of them are adamant about not getting married for the wrong reasons, although Jesse is surprised that he’s backed off so completely from marriage. Diego gets fired from the food court for drawing a fat kid as being fat, so Linda suggests marriage again… but with her instead of Jesse. Although she tries to remain composed and find humor, she starts to unravel when she realizes that Linda knows more about Diego than she does, and that when they are together, he will be ‘cheating on his wife’ with whom he lives. She finally realizes that she needs to stop the wedding, but since her eyes are dilated from the doctor, she needs Kurt to drive her. When Kurt gets pulled over by a traffic cop (Robert M. Koch), Jesse jumps out of the car and runs to the courthouse, tripping in a mud puddle along the way. When she shows up, she professes her love for Diego and asks him to marry her, and he wholeheartedly agrees. There is only one problem: he has already married Linda. Matthew Mullany and Rachelle Skloff are the students Jesse bumps into. NOTE: This is the second of a two-part episode. 9/15/20 

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