The Terrible Catsafterme

SEASON 1 – NBC

Created by Gary David Goldberg

Theme music: “Without Us” (originally identified as “Us”) by Jeff Barry and Tom Scott, and sang by Dennis Tufano and Mindy Sterling (episodes 1-10), and sang by Johnny Mathis and Deniece Williams (episodes 11 and beyond)

• 001. Pilot – 9/22/1982
  • Steven Keaton (Michael Gross) and his wife Elyse (Meredith Baxter-Birney) are a liberal couple who met during the Woodstock era, and now live in a suburb of Columbus, Ohio, where Steven works as station manager for the public television station Channel WKS and Elyse works as an independent architect. They have two teenage children, the ultra conservative Republican Alex (Michael J. Fox) and the ditzy but good-natured Mallory (Justine Bateman), and a nine-year old daughter Jennifer (Tina Yothers). Alex invites his latest crush, the rich airhead Kimberly Blanton (Cindy Fisher) over for dinner, which proves to be awkward since Alex is trying so hard to impress her. When Alex tells his parents he is going to meet her and her parents Preston (John Petlock) and Emily (Toni Sawyer) at the Carlton club, Steven blows his stack because the Carlton club is restricted. Alex heads off anyway, and Steven eventually gets so irritated by it that he goes to the club and demands that Alex leave. Alex is angry with his apologetic father but after they talk and hug it out, Alex understands his father’s intentions, while Steven realizes he can’t expect his son to act just like him. Meanwhile Elyse tries to design a house for the Emersons, a couple who hate each other and want to be in separate parts of the house. Maurice Marsac is Roger the waiter. 3/28/16
• 002. Not with My Sister You Don’t – 9/29/1982
  • Steven and Elyse head up for their anniversary to a cabin on the lake and plan to meet up with their friends Ron (Jay Tarses) and Suzanne Davis (Brooke Alderson), whom they met when they were both on their honeymoon there. Alex is left in charge of the house and immediately plans a big party. While Jennifer snaps pictures of the proceedings, Mallory is ecstatic to meet Alex’s popular friend Eric Morrison (Lee Montgomery), who is quite a ladies man. Alex panics however when Mallory leaves with him and doesn’t come back until late. Alex jumps all over Mallory’s case, causing her to withdraw from speaking to him civilly. Mallory won’t give Alex any information about how far she went with him, but when Eric shows up with flowers and Mallory throws him out, Alex realizes that Mallory stood up for herself with him. Mallory appreciates Alex’s concern and they hug it out. Meanwhile at the lake, Steven and Ron’s unhealthy competition with each other reaches such levels that the wives get disgusted by both of them. Steven promises to talk to Ron the next day and put a stop to it. Ron emerges from the bedroom where he was with his wife and proudly declares “that’s one!” Steven and Elyse come home to find their kids all getting along amazingly well. Betsy Russell appears as the girl at the party. 3/29/16
• 003. I Know Jennifer’s Boyfriend – 10/6/1982
  • Jennifer is chummy with a boy named Justin Perkins (Jeremy Schoenberg) as they collect for a recycling drive together, but once her fellow fourth graders get wind of their friendship, they start teasing Jennifer relentlessly, which causes Jennifer to dump Justin as a friend. Meanwhile Jennifer’s birthday is coming up and Mallory suggests a 50’s themed co-ed party. Jennifer doesn’t want to invite the boys, but her mother convinces her that the boys – including Justin – should be welcome. During the party, the boys and girls congregate on separate sides of the room, causing Jennifer to lash out at her mother for the failed party. Elyse suggests that Jennifer ask Justin to dance, which she reluctantly does. This causes all of the kids to finally start mingling and dancing with members of the opposite sex. 4/15/16
• 004. Summer of ’82 – 10/27/1982
  • Alex is working as a delivery boy for Adler’s Groceries with Jennifer assisting. Alex’s first customer is a college student named Stephanie Brooks (Amy Steel), who hits it off with Alex over their passion for Economics. Much to Alex’s surprise, Stephanie calls Alex later and asks him to attend a lecture given by economist Milton Friedman. Afterward they go back to her place and Alex loses his virginity. The next morning Alex is strutting his ‘adulthood’ around the house with his pipe and smoking jacket, but when he returns to visit Stephanie, he finds that she has a date named Pete (John Putch) there. Stephanie is apologetic about hurting him, but insists that she and Alex are not exclusive as he had believed. Alex has a father-son talk and his father relates his past experiences and stresses that not all physical interactions will lead to a meaningful relationship. 4/16/16
• 005. I Never Killed for My Father – 11/3/1982
  • Steven’s conservative and macho father Jake (John Randolph) comes for a visit, and despite Steven’s best efforts of using notecards to steer the conversation toward neutral ground, he can not keep silent at his father’s ideas – and defense of Nixon. The argument comes to a head when Jake requests that Alex be allowed to skip school to go fishing with him, during which Jake reveals that he is dying. Steven the bends over backward to let his father have his way, and tries to help him find alternative treatments to prolong his life, but Jake stubbornly refuses. Jake feels that Steven went out of his way to be contradictory to him all of his life, but Steven tells him that all he ever wanted from his father was to be respected and that he spend time with him like he did with Alex. Jake tells Steven that he loves him and the two come to terms and embrace. 8/1/16
• 006. Give Your Uncle Arthur a Kiss – 11/10/1982
  • The Keaton family works together at the WKS Channel 3 pledge drive, along with Steven’s co workers Richard Jacobs (Sal Viscuso) and Arthur Cantrell (David Spielberg). Arthur is a close family friend whom the kids refer to as ‘Uncle Arthur’, and he is getting ready to move to another studio. He makes a huge fuss over Mallory and gives her a long hug that digresses into his patting her behind. This scares Mallory who confesses his action to Alex. He thinks that she misinterpreted the action and advises her to forget about it. This makes her feel better until Arthur comes to the house. When he gets Mallory alone, he apologizes and then gives her a passionate kiss on the lips. This time when she goes to Alex, he realizes there is a problem and hands it off to Elyse. While Steven works on a speech praising Arthur, Elyse plans to confront him, and does so on the air during the middle of the pledge drive. When Steven finds out what is going on, he is beside himself. Eventually Arthur admits what happens and admits that he needs help. He attempts to apologize to Mallory, and hopes that one day he can be her Uncle Arthur again. Steven makes it clear to Mallory that family always comes first and next time she can come to him with any issue. 8/3/16
• 007. Big Brother is Watching – 11/17/1982
  • Alex is made editor of the Harding Hurrah school newspaper, and immediately finds out from one of his staff Howie (Andrew J. Lederer) that there is a cover-up going on at the school whereby Principal Schulte has found out that 27 student purchased copies of an algebra exam, but doesn’t want to respond to it because it would affect the school’s standing as the top academic school in the district. Alex wants to print the story along with the names of all of the students… even though one of them is Mallory. Alex’s journalism teacher Mr. Winkler (Philip Sterling) tells Alex not to print the story, but Alex disobeys and prints it anyway, causing the Schulte to be forced to react and suspend the students, all of whom get angry at Alex, along with Mallory and Winkler, who fires him from being editor. Steven and Elyse berate Mallory for cheating, and also try to explain the notion of compassion to Alex. Mallory is furious with Alex, and also blames him for forcing her to cheat because she always feels like she is in his shadow. Alex ends up apologizing to Mallory and offering to help her with algebra, but she quickly drives him crazy and he sneaks out of the tutoring session. 10/8/16
• 008. No Nukes Is Good Nukes – 11/24/1982
  • On Thanksgiving Day, Steven and Elyse plan to march in an anti-nuclear arms protest while Elyse’s parents Charlie (Dick Sargent) and Kate (Priscilla Morrill) stay with the kids and help get the meal ready. While watching TV awaiting their return, the family sees Steven and Elyse get arrested on TV. Charlie and Alex go to the jail to bail them out, and find that the judge is willing to release the inmates who will sign a statement that they will never again protest nuclear arms. Although all of the other prisoners agree and sign the paper, Steven and Elyse refuse to do so and remain locked up with pickpocket Walter (Larry Hankin). Kate and Jennifer decide to come visit them, while the others are angry at their stubbornness. Eventually however, they give in and join the rest of the family at the jail cell where they all enjoy a Thanksgiving meal together. Nancy Lenehan is inmate Roberta. Jack O’Leary is the guard. 10/8/16
• 009. Death of a Grocer – 12/1/1982
  • Alex has taken a job at the small grocery store Adler’s and tries to persuade the owner, the kindly and elderly Sy Adler (Jack Somack), to expand and grow his business. When he doesn’t bite, it becomes tempting when Alex’s neighbor Skippy Handelman (Marc Price) informs Alex that there is an opening at the much larger Shop-a-Lot grocery store. Much to Mr. Adler’s regret, Alex takes the job, and Skippy takes his old position. The long hours in the pet supply department as Alex tries to work his way up the ladder start to take its toll on Alex’s studies, and he also feels that he doesn’t get much human contact there, all the while Skippy is floundering in his new job. Elyse suggests that working isn’t always about trying to constantly get ahead, but to also enjoy what he is doing. Alex stops by Adler’s to return his apron, and ends up telling him that he realizes he was happier there. Adler agrees to give him his job back, knowing that Skippy can’t handle the job anyway. Ann Nelson is Mrs. Crenshaw. Randy Lowell aka Randolph Dreyfuss is Bobby. William G. Schilling and Alan Haufrect are customers. 1/12/17
• 010. Have Gun, Will Unravel – 12/8/1982
  • After returning from seeing the movie A Hard Day’s Night, the Keatons find their house burglarized and ransacked. Soon the family find they’re scared to enter their own home. After discussing their option they decide to hold a neighborhood watch meeting where insurance salesman Earl Quigley (Jack Riley) terrifies everyone with rising crime statistics and warns everyone that they should buy a gun to protect themselves. Despite Officer Becker (Pat McNamara) warning them not to buy one, the Keatons decides to move forward with purchasing a gun when they find out their neighbor Phyllis Evans (Enid Kent) has one. Steven and Elyse visit a sporting good store and purchase the gun, having remorse through the entire transaction and once they get it home and show the kids. When they hear a prowler that night, Steven confronts him, only to find that it is Alex who has returned home early from a friend’s house. Fortunately Alex isn’t hurt… and Steven has used a tennis racket instead of the gun anyway, and vows to return it the next day after remembering the fundamentals that he and Elyse have been fighting for all of their lives. Mary Jackson is Edna the saleswoman. 1/12/17
• 011. A Christmas Story – 12/15/1982
  • The Keaton family is getting ready to head out for a Christmas ski trip, but due to a snow storm they are forced to stay home for the holiday. As they begin to open gifts, Elyse gives Steven a photo album that dates from when they met until the present, so they begin reminiscing about when each of the kids were born. They recall when Alex was born in the jungles of Africa in 1965 while they were on a Peace Corps mission with their friend Max Brown (Peter Jurasik) during a drought. Elyse’s labor coincided with it beginning to rain again. When Mallory was born in Berkeley, California in 1967, their doctor ended up being an old Camp Cuyahoga friend of Steven’s named “Crazy” Larry Waxman (Charles Levin). His joking around with Steven nearly drives her crazy before Mallory is born. Jennifer is born in Columbus, Ohio in 1972 when Elyse goes into labor as she and Steven are attempting to vote in the Nixon/McGovern election. Steven tries to guide Elyse through the delivery by using an instructional manual, much to the irritation of the nurse (Mari Gorman). A young Alex (Chris Hebert) takes delight in the Nixon victory. Back in the present, the family gives Steven a much-wanted new camera and he takes a family portrait with it. Bruce Franch is Dr. Rogers. Bridgette Anderson is young Mallory. 4/17/17
• 012. Oops – 12/22/1982
  • Mallory’s friend Cindy Sullivan (Cristen Kauffman) confides in Mallory that she is pregnant, and then they share the information with Elyse, who although understanding talks Cindy into telling her own mother the news. When Mallory gets a call that Cindy and her mother Lynn (Julie Payne) have had an argument and Cindy has run away, Mallory gets angry at Elyse for not understanding how difficult Cindy’s mother can be. Eventually Cindy makes her way to the Keaton house and agrees to let her mother come get her if they can talk there. Although they get off to a rocky start, Lynn ends up telling Cindy how she herself has made so many bad choices that she desperately wanted Cindy to avoid the same mistakes. They agree to be more civil in their discussions, and Mallory apologizes for snapping at Elyse so harshly. 4/17/17
• 013. Sherry Baby – 1/12/1983
  • Mallory is desperate to get into the Pi Nu sorority and thinks that a girl named Sherry Marshall (Lisa Lucas) is the key to pledging her. Sherry however is more interested in getting a date with Alex, which he refuses. However when Skippy brings up an old bet that will cost Alex $50, Alex agrees to get Skippy a date with Mallory in order to get out of paying. Mallory has no choice but to accept so that Alex will double date with them with Sherry as his date at the Pi Nu party. When they make the announcements of new members, Mallory isn’t chosen, and Sherry reveals that she’s not even on the membership committee. By this time Alex has actually hit it off with Sherry, so he refuses to leave with Mallory. She comes home furious at both Alex and Sherry, but her parents remind her that she has used Skippy in much the same way she feels used. After an argument, Mallory and Alex make up… and Mallory offers Skippy the slow dance he had been promised. Meanwhile Steven spends all of his time working on Mallory’s science molecule science project. Robin Evans is the Pi Nu who announces the new girls. 12/16/17
• 014. The Fugitive: Part 1 – 1/19/1983
  • Elyse’s brother Ned Donnelly (Tom Hanks), a big international executive with the Syntram company in New York. Ned requests that he stay with the family for a few days, citing the need for a leave of absence. He begins acting strangely, getting numerous phone calls and speaking in code and using alias names. Eventually he reveals that he’s quit the corporation, then admits to being fired for pouring coffee on the president of Syntram. Alex is disappointed by the situation and encourages Ned to re-join the business world, but Ned still seems to be hiding something. When FBI agent Bert Carlyle (Richard Venture) visits the house, Ned scrambles out of the house. Carlyle informs them that Ned has embezzled four and a half million dollars. Although he lets them know the possible penalty for harboring a criminal, Steven and Elyse both say that they do not know Ned’s whereabouts. NOTE: This is the first of a two part episode. 12/16/17
• 015. The Fugitive: Part 2 – 1/26/1983
  • The family discusses their best options on how to handle Ned, who apparently has embezzled millions from Syntram, which he has actually hidden in the computer in an account in his own name. Ned explains that this act was to prevent a merger that will cost thousands of jobs. Alex and Ned debate the legitimacy of what he did, while Steven and Elyse debate on whether she should continue helping her brother. That night they hear the car pulling away, and find that Alex is missing. He has taken Ned to the airport and attempts to buy him a ticket from the counter agent (Earl Boen) under an assumed name. FBI agent Carlyle shows up at the airport, but Ned makes his escape once again. Carlyle, this time with Syntram president Rob Peterson (Woody Eney) to the Keaton house, where Steven once again swears that he has no idea where Ned is… but Ned walks into the room from the kitchen and turns himself in to accept his fate. He says his goodbyes to the Keatons and heads out with Carlyle. 8/12/18
• 016. Margin of Error – 2/9/1983
  • Alex has been working on a school project in which he simulates buying and selling stocks. He is doing so well on paper that he tries to talk his parents into taking the AT&T stock that Steven received for a wedding gift and investing it in Sykundo Tin. They want no part of the stock market, so Alex takes it upon himself to pose as Steven and engages their stockbroker Dan Matthews (Philip Charles MacKenzie) to re-open the account and buy the stock. Jennifer overhears him, so Alex has to bribe her to be quiet. Alex continues to re-invest in other companies and plans to surprise them with a check of the $10,000 profits for their anniversary so he has them meet him at the broker’s office. However upon arrival he finds out that a typhoon has made his current stock severely drops, and that there is a $2700 margin call. Alex tries to keep this from his parents when they arrive at the office, and hands them a Rolodex as their anniversary gift. Alex tries to come up with ideas to make money, including selling his blood, and then taking Jennifer to see Mr. Matthews and ask for mercy, but quickly finds out that Matthews is even capable of turning away his own mother (Anne Haney) when she loses everything. Alex’s only recourse is to tell his parents what he did. Steven is furious, but after lecturing Alex, he heads off to cover the margin call. 8/12/18
• 017. French Lessons – 2/16/1983
  • A student named Jeff Wakefield (John Dukakis) has been tutoring Mallory in French, and although she has brought her grade up, she is frustrated because she has a crush on him and is not getting anywhere. He too has a crush, but has no idea how to ask her out. He asks Alex for advice and he is able to give Jeff the confidence to ask her out for dinner – at the same time that Mallory gets the confidence to ask him out. However when the time comes for the date, Jeff is so nervous that he talks Alex into coming along to give him pointers. Alex can’t get a date so he brings Jennifer, and throughout the dinner gives him the advice to take charge. This turns Mallory off and in his nervousness he manages to spill food all over her. Jeff later shows up and apologizes, and Mallory forgives him if he promises not to listen to Alex anymore. Meanwhile Steven squares off against Alex in chess, and although Alex is impatient waiting for his next move and cocky that he will win once again, Steven manages to pull out a surprise win. Zeke Zacarro is Guido the waiter. 3/26/19
• 018. I Gotta Be Ming – 2/23/1983
  • Elyse is the chairperson for the Vietnamese Relocation Services and is funding a charity drive and circus as a fund raiser. Alex is doing his part for the cause by acting as Big Brother to a fatherless kid named Ming Nguyen (Gene Akutagawa). Alex loves molding him into being a young Republican in his own mold, and sticking to a strict schedule of activity every day. However when the time for the big circus event and Big Brother parade comes up, Alex has made other plans and has to send Ming with the rest of the family without going himself. Ming comes back to the house in clown regalia and is let down even further when Alex tells him that their chemistry isn’t right and he’s too busy to continue being his Big Brother. Ming leaves in tears, and Jennifer berates Alex for being so thoughtless. Days later Alex can’t stop thinking about him and realizes how much he misses him and goes over to Ming and his mother Tanly’s (Irene Yah-Ling Sun) house and asks Ming to forgive him and take him back. Ming is too angry at first, but finally agrees with the stipulation that Alex won’t try to turn him into another Alex. 3/26/19
• 019. Suzanne Takes You Down – 3/16/1983
  • Steven and Elyse visit with their friends Ron (Jay Tarses) and Suzanne Davis (Brooke Alderson), and Suzanne confides in Elyse that she has been unhappy and unfulfilled in her marriage for years, and now that their children are out of the house, she lacks any purpose whatsoever. Elyse offers to hire her on as her assistant as she does her architect job from home. Suzanne begins to drive Elyse crazy almost immediately with her slow typing, but when she starts talking client Don Bradford (Terry Wills) into major changes to the plans Elyse is working on, Elyse is ready to fire her. However, before she can do so, Suzanne tells Elyse that Ron has left her, so Elyse feels she has to keep her on. Her work and interference build to a climax, and when Suzanne tells Elyse she is tired of people always pussyfooting around with her, Elyse fires her. The firing ultimately gives Elyse the confidence to begin to pursue her own life and dreams. Ron attempts to win her back, especially with her new confidence, but she declines. Later the Keatons receive a post card from Suzanne who is traveling in Greece with a new man. 1/25/20
• 020. The Fifth Wheel – 3/28/1983
  • Mike and Elyse are at odds about whether to vote for Dale Lewis as state senator, but they head to one of his speeches together anyway. It is Mallory’s turn to babysit Jennifer, but she negotiates to have Alex watch her so she can go out with Jeff. After Alex agrees, he is invited to attend a poker game with his friends Arnie (Moosie Drier), Neil (Michael Spound), Chuck (Bob O’Donnell), and Doug (Grant Heslov), so he decides to go and bring Jennifer along with him and leave a note in case their parents get home before they do. When she gets bored and they won’t let her play a hand of poker, Jennifer simply lets herself out. When Steven and Elyse who up at the game, Alex lies and says Jennifer left with Mallory and Jeff. He races home and tells Mallory the news, and they both tell their parents that Jennifer is asleep upstairs. Alex and Jeff leave to try and find her but fail, so they finally come clean with their parents. Just as everyone is in a panic, Jennifer shows up at home. Alex and Mallory are punished, but they feel worse that Jennifer felt like a burden. They assure her that they love her and Alex even agrees to play Cinderella with her. 1/28/20
• 021. Stage Fright – 4/4/1983
  • Alex is frantically preparing for the TV show High School Quiz Off hosted at WKS-3 by Steven. Elyse is working on designing sets for the show, but her ideas are all too extreme and complicated for Steven. When Ted, the sophomore member of Alex’s team has to drop out of the contest due to illness, Alex begins immediately searching for a replacement. When his final interview is foreign exchange student Petey (Carlos Lacamara) who can’t even speak English, he is forced to go with Mallory. He considers her his My Fair Lady-type project, so he pressures her constantly to learn common knowledge. A breakthrough comes when she remembers what the acronym for ‘scuba’ stands for. When it comes time for the show, the Harding High team faces off the St. Mary’s girl school featuring Mary Catherine Robins (Deborah Foreman), Mary Margaret Dunne (Kerry Noonan), and Mary Beth McCallister (Margaret Fitzgerald). The three judges who claim to be the head judge (John Gallogly), the co-head judge (Jeff Shelby), and the alternate judge (Charles Douglass) are all smitten with Mallory and give her some massive leeway on her answers. Once Alex realizes he is on camera, he freezes and maintains stage fright throughout the entire show, unable to get out the answer to a single question. Fortunately, between Mallory’s impressive performance and their teammate Grover Garver (Michael B. Moynahan), they have a good showing, and wind up only losing by five points. After the show, while Steven is getting berated by the Mother Superior from St. Mary’s, Elyse questions why Alex behaves the way he does, and Alex apologizes to Mallory for being so hard on her and doubting her, but she is ultimately pleased with how well she did. 5/10/20
• 022. Elyse D’Arc – 4/11/1983
  • Steven comes home excited because he has won the Murray Award for his documentary Egret, but upon his arrival he finds that Elyse and her zoning committee group are meeting to try and stop condominiums from being built in public areas. Although hoping for time alone to celebrate, he agrees to wait until the next day to have a quiet dinner at Guido’s with her. Unfortunately, her schedule keeps getting pushed back when she has to work late, take the girls to yoga, and then meet with her friend Cathy from her Women’s Support Group, because she is afraid her husband is leaving her. After changing the dinner reservations several times, Steven finally cancels them and agrees to make a late dinner for them. When Elyse doesn’t get home until well after midnight, Steven has had enough and storms off to sleep in the guest room. The next day Elyse tries to make it up to him by preparing a quiet dinner, but it is quickly interrupted when the zoning committee shows up unannounced to work out some last-minute canvassing. Elyse gets them to leave, but when it starts raining, even Steven doesn’t have the heart to kick them out. They attempt to enjoy the dinner, but keep getting interrupted, and Elyse’s mind isn’t on the dinner, so Steven leaves to walk in the rain and think. When he comes home, they come to term with the fact that Elyse’s initiatives are all important, but Steven hopes he can be more of a priority. She agrees and promises not to take him for granted. They try to come up with some causes that he can take priority over, but he has a hard time thinking of anything less important. Belita Moreno is Bernice. 5/10/20

SEASON 2

• 023. Tender Is the Knight – 9/28/1983
  • The Keatons have houseguests, their friend and former neighbor Julia Newman (Susan Bay) and her daughter Carrie (Talia Balsam). Alex has always been intimidated by Carrie’s flirting with him, and now that they’re older, nothing has changed. He does everything he can to avoid her, but when a wild biker date named Victor (Chris Nash) picks her up for a date, suddenly Alex becomes protective and vows to plan a wholesome date for him to take her on that he hopes will reform her back to being a ‘nice girl.’ She gladly agrees to the date, but before they can even leave, she embarrasses him by walking in on him while he is in the shower. The date consists of playing Bingo with the elderly and watching new citizens getting sworn in at the immigration center, and ultimately winds up at fun family restaurant with a bubbly waitress named Sherry (Kelly Ann Conn). By this time Carrie has had enough and asks Alex if they can go do something fun, at which point he completely blows it by telling her that he is trying to reform her. She storms out, sending a confused Alex home. He chats with his father, who advises him that Carrie doesn’t want to be saved and that he should embrace their differences. Carrie soon comes home and Alex apologizes and follows his father’s advice. They share a passionate kiss, and Alex continues their date by dancing with her in the kitchen. 8/24/20
• 024. The Homecoming – 10/12/1983
  • Malorie’s old boyfriend Jeff Wakefield returns home to visit from Princeton, and Mallory is nervous to see him and afraid that he might not like her any longer now that he’s away a college. Jeff confesses to Alex that he’s miserable away at school, feeling like a small fish in a big pond, and homesick. He and Mallory are nervous around each other, but ultimately he asks her to go steady, and furthermore tells her that he is going to return home and go to school at the local Grant College. Steven and Elyse think that 15 years is too young to go steady but the do not forbid it to a love-giddy Mallory. She and Jeff go to the school’s homecoming dance. Alex takes a blind date named Inga, who is a farmer and runs him ragged on the dance floor. Jeff is too busy strolling down memory lane all over the high school, taking pictures of his old locker, and assisting his old teacher Mr. Needham (Bob Tzudiker)  with cleaning up punch. Mallory is furious and demands to be taken home, and even resorts to dancing with Alex when Jeff isn’t around when her favorite song comes on. That night Jeff apologizes for not spending any time with her. Mallory tells him that she thinks he should return to Princeton and give it another chance, and that they can still see each other, but rather than going steady, to play it by ear. He agrees and requests that they go steady on holidays, and attempts to make plans for Groundhog Day. 8/24/20
• 025. The Harder They Fall – 10/19/1983
  • Mallory is panicking and accidentally breaking dishes because she is nervous that her parents are heading to Parents Night at school. Alex, on the other hand, is anxious for them to hear what his teachers after say. He is particularly interested that they butter up his European Literature teacher Ruben Tedesco (Edward Edwards), because he is going to write a glowing recommendation for Alex to get into Dartmouth. Elyse attends his session alone, as Steven is seeing Mallory’s teachers, and while there, she discovers that Mr. Tedesco is a jerk, and gleefully insults at least three mothers, Mrs. Morgan (Mary Farrell), Mrs. Jones (Molly David), and Mrs. Stein (Bunny Summers). It becomes so intense that when Elyse speaks up, and he insults her as well, she punches him in the face. She is stunned by her own behavior, and Alex is mortified. Steven agrees to go see Mr. Tedesco to try and smooth things over. Tedesco is receptive, but then starts to insult Elyse and talk about her inappropriately, causing Steven to punch him as well. They both try to make up for their actions by inviting Tedesco over for dinner, but find their blood boiling when Tedesco demands that they serve him something other than chicken. The go to the kitchen to calm themselves… and give in to his demand, but thawing steaks. Tedesco privately tells Alex that he did in fact write his recommendation. However when he starts to insult his parents, Alex takes offense, defends them, and rips up the recommendation. Steven asks him to leave the house. After he goes, Tedesco returns to tell them that he will have the chicken after all, to which he receives a door slammed in his face by Steven. 12/10/20
• 026. This Year’s Model – 10/26/1983
  • Unbeknownst to Elyse, Mallory has entered her in a mother/daughter modeling contest with the Columbus Express newspaper and Ed Hanson Modeling Agency. They are awarded a space in a photo shoot and contest with a $250 prize. Elyse wants no part of it, especially since she wasn’t asked, but Steven convinces her to give in to Mallory since she is so excited about the prospect of modeling. Upon arrival, Mallory meets the agent Ed Hanson (Frank Dent) and his photographer Phillip (Donald Reiker), and they do a shoot where they pretend they are on a trip to Paris. Alex finds the whole thing silly, but is interested in one of the young models named Heather (Sarah Abrell), whose mother Mrs. Marin (Eve Roberts) is trying to coach her into never smiling. Elyse turns out to be more natural in front of the camera, and Mallory is literally pushed to the side while the photograph Elyse alone. Mallory is upset and becomes even more jealous and angry when Elyse is offered a modeling job to do a commercial for the Proper Penguin frozen dinners. They film the commercial in the Keaton kitchen, and Mallory continuously disrupts and sabotages the shoot, stirring up anger in everyone from the slate man (Robert Schanche) to Elyse’s commercial co-star (John McCook). After they get through the shoot, Elyse tells Mallory how terrible her behavior was, to which Mallory breaks down and tells her that she felt like Elyse forgot about her since it was her dream to be a model. Elyse apologizes if she felt slighted, and admits she was flattered and got carried away. When Ed calls her to give her another job, Elyse tells him that she is giving up modeling but puts Mallory on the phone to give her a shot. 12/10/20
• 027. Not an Affair to Remember – 11/2/1983
  • Steven and his co-worker Gus (John Hancock) have been working on a documentary about Calvin Coolidge called Silent Cal Opens Up, and Gus notes how their assistant Stacey Hughes (Judith Light) has been flirting with Steven. He thinks Gus is crazy initially but then starts to see the signals himself. That night at home, he gets very little attention from Elyse and the kids, since Elyse has started back at work and is very busy. The next day Steven dresses up nicely and uses cologne to impress Stacey, who has been working late and has edited some terrific footage for the documentary. In celebration, she kisses Steven and then admits she’s in love with him and wants to have an affair, inviting him to return that night to the station where they will be all alone. Steven looks for any excuse at home to do something with Elyse or the kids, but they continue to ignore him. Eventually have driving around his block for two hours, he winds up back at the station. However, he still can’t bring himself to go through with it, citing the love he has for his family as the bedrock of his life. Stacey admires him even more for being so honorable, but they settle for just a hug. That night Steven tries to confess to Elyse about the thoughts he’s been having, but she has already been able to see that he’s been fighting temptation. They agree to start spending more time together. Meanwhile Alex tries to get his sisters on a phone usage schedule. 4/3/21
• 028. Speed Trap – 11/9/1983
  • The homework is piling up on Alex as he prepares for his mid-term exams, so he asks Mallory to ask her 300-pound friend Effie Blatz to get some of her diet pills from her so he can use them as speed. Alex struggles with himself on whether to use them or not, but when he comes downstairs full of energy and joins a game of Monopoly with his family, then waxes the kitchen floor and cleans out his neighbor’s garage, it becomes obvious to Mallory that the pills are causing exaggerated results. Alex is able to ace his tests, get an A on his term paper on Herbert Hoover, and still find time to put in a skylight, build an annex to Jennifer’s dollhouse, oil her skates while she is using them, and dig trenches in the backyard. However, when he runs out of the pills, and Mallory gets more, she refuses to give them to him because of his erratic behavior. He forcefully takes them from her purse, causing her to tell him she never wants to speak to him again. Eventually Steven catches on to what Alex is doing, since he used speed himself when he was in school. He gives Alex a stern warning about them and tells him he’ll do whatever it takes to keep him off the drugs. Alex falls asleep as they are chatting and oversleeps for his exam. He wakes up in a panic, desperately searching for more pills. His parents make him see how scary his current situation is, and Alex vows never to touch them again. He apologizes to everyone in the family, especially Mallory, who reminds him that he has a date with Effie that night, which he had agreed to in order to get the pills. 4/3/21
• 029. Sweet Lorraine – 11/16/1983
  • Alex is working at the high school radio station WHSH, playing swing music, when he gets a call and song request from someone named Lorraine Ferrar (Carolyn Seymour), who asks that he plays the song Sweet Lorraine for her. She says she’s a fan of swing music – and of Alex – so he asks her to attend a concert with him, sight unseen. When he shows up to pick her up, he finds that she’s a 39-year-old woman with a daughter named Melissa (Hannah Cutrona). Despite the age gap, Alex is smitten with her, although his parents become immediately concerned. Alex spends the next couple of weeks with her seeing foreign films and going ice skating. When Alex gets a cramp in his foot after skating, Lorraine begins rubbing it, which nearly leads to a kiss… until Lorraine stops it and says they should remain friends. Steven and Elyse get more and more concerned, so Alex invites her over to meet them officially. When they express their concern, Lorraine agrees not to see him anymore and leaves immediately. Alex is furious at them, and although they apologize profusely to him, they stand firm in the fact that this is best for him. Alex becomes depressed when she won’t return his calls and plays Sweet Lorraine on the radio continuously. She finally shows up at the station and tells him it is best that he sees friends his own age and live the life of a seventeen-year-old, but agrees to visit with him now and then. 7/29/21
• 030. Batter Up – 11/30/1983
  • Alex is coaching Jennifer’s baseball team the Leopards with Skippy acting as equipment manager. Jennifer tells her parents that Alex is running the team like a tyrant, and starts to show when many of the girls start calling off for the game insisting that they are sick. Meanwhile Skippy’s younger sister Arlene (Tanya Fenmore) comes over to get Skippy and invite Jennifer to spend the night. Jennifer rudely declines and treats her poorly, which her parents take issue with. Likewise, Mallory continues to rebuff Skippy’s flirtation with her. When the number of players drops below what they need, they decide to ask Arlene to play so they’ll have enough. Jennifer tries to coach her to catch, but she keeps throwing them harder than Arlene can handle, until she finally takes a pitch to the eye. She too has to drop out of the game for her injury, and when the Keaton family goes to visit her, Jennifer initially refuses to go. Her parents again reiterate how poorly Jennifer has been treating her, so while the family is visiting, Jennifer finally shows up, and tells her that she wants to be friends with her. Arlene admits that she knew she was only asked to play because they needed another player. Alex is forced to tell the team that they can’t play in the championship. Jessica (Farrin Jacobs) and the other players all start talking bad about Arlene, and Jennifer is the first to finally come to her defense. Arlene then shows up at the house in her uniform ready to play… even though she talks of scoring a touchdown. 7/29/21
• 031. A Keaton Christmas Carol – 12/14/1983
  • On Christmas Eve, Alex comes home in a sour mood and seems to have lost any warmth for Christmas. After forgetting bring cough syrup home for Jennifer, who is suffering a bad cold, he requests that they not exchange gifts this year, kicks carolers  off their lawn, and refuses to pose for a family Christmas picture by the tree. When he goes to bed that night, he is visited by the Ghost of Christmas Past – actually Jennifer – and she takes him down to the living room to see himself as a child, who is completely enamored of Christmas. Once Steven makes his appearance as Santa, young Alex (Chris Hebert) leads the family through various activities, including introducing the idea that they take a picture by the tree, and then plan to do the same thing every year. Alex is enjoying the memories so much, he doesn’t want to leave, but the Jennifer ghost takes him back to his room. There they meet up with the Ghost of Christmas Future – aka Mallory – who again brings him to the living room, this time a run down shack. His parents are old and sickly, Mallory is pregnant for the fifth time, and Jennifer is still hanging on to her nasty cough. Although the family is destitute, Alex has become an old, bald rich miser who now lives in New York City. He comes home for the holidays, but not long enough to contribute anything of any consequence, before heading back to New York. The real Alex feels terrible about this and is stricken with guilt. Mallory brings him back to the present day, and Alex hops out of bed full of Christmas spirit. He hightails it to a convenience store to grab the only gifts he can find – such as coffee, beef jerky, and a six-pack of cough syrup. He even gets himself a little something: gel to prevent baldness. Clearly Alex’s spirit is restored, and he makes sure to tell his family how much he loves them, before insisting that they pose for that traditional picture around the Christmas tree. Kaleena Kiff is young Mallory. 1/26/22
• 032. To Snatch a Keith – 12/21/1983
  • Not long after Steven and Elyse get into an argument because Elyse didn’t get out of the shower to answer the phone on Steven’s only day to sleep in, they get a visit from their friend Richard Bailey (James Sutorius) and his young son Keith (David Faustino). Richard has gone through a bitter divorce with his wife Cynthia (Donna McKechnie), and even worse, she plans to move from Ohio to San Diego, leaving Richard depressed and hurt because he will only see every six months or so. Although the couples were all friends in happier days, Steven suggests that Richard try and do something to stop her from separating him from his son. Cynthia comes to pick up Keith at the Keaton house, but when Keith asks if he can stay a little longer to fly kites with the Keaton kids, the four adults spend some very awkward time together, which gradually devolves into a fight between the Baileys. Richard goes outside to smoke, and Cynthia decides to leave with Keith… but then realizes that Richard has left with him. As Cynthia worries that her son’s been kidnapped, Richard calls Steven from a restaurant and asks him to come to talk to him. The conversation does not go well, as Steven tries to convince Richard that he isn’t doing his son any favors by making him a fugitive. He eventually takes Keith and they walk out on Steven. He returns home without Keith, and both Elyse and Cynthia partially hold Steven responsible for advising Richard to do something, and then giving him money, enabling him to leave with Keith. Steven feels guilty, but ultimately, Richard drops Keith off at the house, and then quickly leaves, telling Steven how convincing he is. Keith runs to his mother. Isabelle O’Connor is the waitress. 1/27/22
• 033. Birthday Boy – 1/5/1984
  • Alex’s 18th birthday is coming up, but Steven will be out of town so he gives his band radio gift before he leaves. Elyse then plans to have a special dinner for him with Mallory and Jennifer. Alex is quick to start claiming his independence with the birthday coming up. calling Elyse by her first name and telling his sisters he is passing down his garbage duties to them. Elyse takes it in stride, but when Alex makes plans to go to a bar in West Virginia on his birthday with his friends Neil (John Putch) and Doug (Crispin Glover), and thoughtlessly cancels his plans with her at the last minute, Elyse has had enough and tells him that his is forbidden to go out that night with his friends. Alex is incredulous and claims that he will be legally independent when he turns 18. She argues that he must still follow her rules while living under her roof. Alex initially cancels his plans, but at the last minute, he thinks it is unfair, and goes with his friends anyway. They meet up with three girls there, Roxanne (Eileen Seeley), Christy (Kate Vernon), and Buffy (Debbie Gilbert), to whom Neil says that Alex is a Colonel in the Air Force and that they will be striking Canada the next day. When Elyse realizes that he has left town, she drives nearly two hours to get him. When she gets there, she loudly demands that he leave, so he has no choice but to try and save face and quietly leave. He is so furious that he won’t speak to her for the entire drive home. Eventually he comes into the house and lets out his anger on her, and she tells him how badly he hurt her feelings and that if he might have tried to talk to her instead of barking demands that they might have been able to discuss it. She admits that she might have not respected him, but she was tired of his disrespect and the fact that she was feeling edged out of his life. She reminds him that the entire time he’s been trying to grow up and break free that she’s been trying to keep him her baby. Eventually they come to terms with a mutual respect and give each other an embrace… before Alex takes out the garbage. 6/5/22 
• 034. Go Tigers – 1/12/1984
  • Alex has an interview at Princeton with Dean Memminger (Duncan Ross) for school acceptance for the following year. Since Mallory’s boyfriend Jeff Wakefield is now a student there, Mallory begs Alex to take her along with him to New Jersey so she can see him. Alex touches base with Jeff while Mallory is looking around campus, and then Alex takes off to go for his interview. After he leaves, Jeff brings his new girlfriend Sandy (Kate Charleson) to his room, where Mallory walks in and catches them kissing. She is horrified and runs from the room crying. She goes to see Alex at the admissions office, where Alex has been practicing his speech on the janitor (Bill Gratton). Alex is also horrified, but mostly because he doesn’t want to interfere with his speech. He convinces Mallory to wait in the lobby while he has his interview, but she and Jeff both run in and interrupt Alex’s interview. Dean Memminger is extremely annoyed, and tells Alex that despite his terrific records, this may hurt his chance. Alex tries to recover by going on with the interview, but then gets a phone call from Mallory, who tells Alex that she is leaving. He pleads with her to stay, but then sees her leaving campus through the Dean’s window. He tells the Dean that he’s really love to go to Princeton, but that he has to try and comfort his sister. On the train home, Mallory apologizes for ruining Alex’s chances at the school, but Alex opts to show compassion and tell Mallory how she is a very special girl and that she will most assuredly find someone who will love her again. She notes that Alex is changing, and how the old Alex would have never put her before himself. Meanwhile back at home, Elyse is asked by her cousin Barbara to babysit her out-of-control son Kenneth. However, when Elyse and Jennifer have to leave for Jennifer’s ballet class, Steven is forced to watch him by himself, while also watching a Buckeyes game on TV. Kenneth winds up screwing up the antenna, and then when Steven convinces Kenneth (Joshua John Miller) to wait outside to play baseball with him until the game finishes its final minutes, Kenneth throws the ball through the window before Steven even makes it outside. 6/5/22
• 035. ‘M’ Is for the Many Things – 1/19/1984
  • Alex has a big business idea to sell souvenirs of the Class of 1984 at Harding High but needs Steven to front the $100. Steven is reluctant to put down the money, but Alex eventually convinces him. Meanwhile, Elyse is still struggling with the separation of her parents, and her mother Kate comes to stay with them for a while. When she tells Elyse that they are moving on to getting a divorce and that that they have sold the house, Elyse is dumbfounded even more. The also hears her mother talking to someone on the phone named Philip (James Karen), and is surprised when she calls him ‘honey’. Things keep getting even more surreal for Elyse when she finds out that Phillip has been her dentist for many years, and she is very uncomfortable when they go out on a date. She waits up until late, and then is again shocked when her mother calls and says she’s going to stay the night at Phillip’s house. She tries to catch her in the morning, but first catches the milkman (Robert Schanche) making his delivery. Then she does catch her mother and Philip kissing at the door. She chastise her mother for her behavior, but her mother reminds her that she is a grown woman. She marches off to bed, and then when she wakes up, she packs and gets ready to leave. Elyse and her mother finally talk more calmly, and Elyse admits that her parents divorcing rattled her, and made her worry about her own marriage. Her mother tells her that unlike her and Steven, she and Elyse’s father had never really become friends. Elyse makes it clear that she loves and will support her. Alex winds up getting a lot of Harding High trinkets made, like duck callers, windshield wipers, pasta makers, she trees, monocles, mustache wax, suntan lotion, and charcoal briquettes that nobody wants.  Steve winds up getting 65 cents back from his investment. 9/28/22
• 036. Say Uncle – 1/26/1984
  • Elyse’s brother Ned makes a return visit to the Keaton household after his embezzlement incident with Syntram, and Steven works on arranging an interview at his station with Mr. Wertz (Ben Piazza). Meanwhile, Jennifer has taken up the clarinet, but Alex forces her to practice outside, which brings cats from across the neighborhood to the Keaton yard. Ned shows up and immediately asks for a drink, before the family begins playing Trivial Pursuit. Steven and Ned drink together throughout the game, but Elyse notices that Ned is drinking more than usual. Alex gets up in the middle of the night to study for an exam, and finds Ned drinking hard liquor, and he runs out, he drinks an entire bottle of vanilla extract. Alex starts to worry and get him to stop, causing Ned to get angry and boisterous at him. The next morning, Alex tries to tell Elyse that Ned has a drinking problem, but she thinks he can handle it… until Alex tells her about the vanilla. When she sees Ned put vodka in his orange juice before he goes on the interview, she questions whether she should be worried. He says he has it under control and can stop at any time, so she asks him to pour out the drink and he does. By the time he arrives at the interview with Mr. Wertz, he is drunk again and behaves obnoxiously though the entire interview until Mr. Wertz ends the interview. Steven comes home and reports this to Elyse and they decide he probably needs help. The both try to convince him of this when he gets home and starts to get hostile. Alex pulls out clippings form his wallet of achievements that Ned has made, but Ned takes them and starts to burn them in the fireplace. When Alex tries to stop him, he turns around and punches Alex. Steven has had enough at this point, and tells him to either get help or get out of his house. Finally, after trying to make some jokes, Ned calls Alcoholics Anonymous and tells them that he has a problem. 9/29/22
• 037. Ladies’ Man – 2/2/1984
  • While Mallory and Jennifer are playing with a puppet show in which they impersonate other members of the family, Alex is scheming to impress his new crush Deena Marx (Tracy Nelson), his co-editor on the yearbook, by asking his parents to borrow their ERA buttons. Deena is heavily into women’s rights and supports the Equal Rights Amendment. His parents refuse to give it to him since he really doesn’t believe in the cause. As Alex and Deena collaborate on the yearbook, Alex drops plenty of hints that he is a firm believer in women’s rights by serving her tea while wearing an apron. She is somewhat surprised since he seems so conservative in school. Alex asks her out on a date for the weekend, but she says she is going to an ERA debate. Alex tells her that he is planning on going to that same debate, so they agree to go together. During the debate between Dorothy Cannell (Gail Strickland) and Sharon Fletcher (Edith Fields), a mouthy audience member (John Hostetter) who is against the ERA stands up, interrupts, and insults Dorothy, leading Alex to defend her First Amendment right to speak. This leads to a small rumble amongst the group, landing Alex and several of the women in jail. Deena has never been as attracted to Alex as she is, and before he can tell anyone that he’s not really pro-ERA, she lays a big kiss on him. He then lays it on thick about supporting women’s rights, going so far as to declare that “today I am a woman!”. Alex’s family comes to bail him out, but he refuses to leave until all of his ‘sisters’ are free. Once everyone is back home, his parents tell him how much they disapprove of how Alex is misleading Deena. He gets ready to tell her the truth over the phone, but then Deena notifies Alex that he is being named as the leader of the Ohio Youth Movement for passage of the ERA. When Alex attends the next ERA rally, he confesses to them all that he is the wrong man for the job, as he doesn’t really support the ERA. He says he has been brought closer to understanding them but will still not be voting for it. Deena is disappointed, and despite Alex’s pleas to forgive him, she walks out of the meeting while the group tries to clean up the mess. Alex’s parents tell him he did the right thing being honest, even if the only thing he is walking away with is a prison record. Philip Sterling is the debate moderator Mr. Winkler. 1/18/23
• 038. Ready or Not – 2/9/1984
  • Mallory has been dating Rick (Thomas Byrd) for four months, but her parents are concerned that he is a college man when she is only sixteen. They wait up for them to get home and then make themselves scared so they can kiss on the couch. Rick admits that he is starting to feel sexually frustrated and then have to drive home. Mallory tells him that she will think about taking the next step in their relationship and sleep with him. Mallory has her friends Margo (Lenora May), Linda (Susan Isaacs), and Kathy (Kathleen Wilhoite) over and asks their opinion about sleeping with their boyfriends. Some had and some hadn’t, and some think she should, and others think she shouldn’t. Elyse tries to talk to Mallory about her relationship with Rick, but she doesn’t want to talk to her about it. Instead, she comes to Alex to discuss it. Since Steven had set up a tape recorder to tape their conversation as part of one of Jennifer’s projects, Alex smashes the tape when she tells Alex that she is planning on sleeping with Rick. Alex pleads with her to not sleep with him. She considers his advice and thanks him but tells him that she is curious. The next time she is with Rick, they go back to his place after dinner with plans to have sex. Mallory starts to feel awkward and changes her mind before they even get started. Rick tries to be understanding, but he feels extremely frustrated and tells her that he’s not sure if he wants to see her again. Mallory goes home and tells her mother about her confusion in figuring out the right time to experience her first time. Elyse nervously counsels her that if she is confused about it, then it is most assuredly not the right time. Rick then comes over and tells Mallory that even though he was disappointed, he still would like to continue to see her regardless of whether they have sex or not. Mallory agrees that she’s like to keep seeing her even though she’s not ready to sleep with him. They return to the couch, and Rick mentions he’s like to set Thanksgiving as the new target date. 1/18/23
• 039. Double Date – 2/16/1984
  • Alex is the chairman of the 1984 prom committee and has been working closely with a homely girl named Rachel Miller (Daphne Zuniga), who has come up with a Gone with the Wind theme. She clearly has a crush on Alex and tries to hint around that she’d like to attend the prom with him, but Alex tells her that he has his sights on his longtime crush Jocelyn Clark (Jami Gertz). When Alex finally builds up the nerve to ask her, she turns him down and tells him she is waiting for Brad Hamilton to ask her. Alex goes home depressed, but that night when Rachel comes over to help pick out the music for the dance, Alex dances with her, and suddenly realizes they could go together, leaving Rachel ecstatic. However, the next day, Jocelyn comes crying on Alex’s shoulder and tells him that she and Brad got into a fight, and he called off their date. She then asks Alex if he still wanted to take her. Without thinking, and despite Skippy’s dire warnings, Alex tells Jocelyn he will go with her. Once he realizes what he has done, he and Skippy work on an elaborate scheme so that he can take both to the prom. He wears a blue boutonniere around Rachel and a red one around Jocelyn. He sections off the gym and notes where each date can be during which dances and notes the location of the exit and the switch to open the gym floor to expose the pool if needed. Steve and Elyse, who are chaperoning the dance, are surprised when Alex introduces both girls separately as his date. All seems to go fairly well until Dr. Schulte (Terry Wills) asks Alex to the bandstand to introduce him as the prom committee chairman, and invites him to the kickoff the last dance of the night with his date. When both girls approach him, Alex faints. He then tries to explain to both of them what had happened. Jocelyn doesn’t want any excuses and storms off. Rachel is at least willing to listen, and Alex admits that he thought he liked Jocelyn more but has now realized he actually wanted to spend his time with Rachel. He asks for forgiveness, and she tells him it will take a while. Alex tells her that he is willing to wait and the takes her home from the dance. 7/6/23
• 040. Lady Sings the Blues – 2/23/1984
  • Steven and Elyse have their old friends Andy (Milt Oberman) and Robin (Enid Kent) over one evening, and Elyse pulls out her old guitar and begins singing some of the folk songs from their youth, including Blowin’ in the Wind. They share memories of their protest days and recall Elyse playing music every week in the Age of Darkness Cafe. The friends tell her about a current place called The Top Spot where amateurs perform and suggest that she audition. She takes them up on it and stops in and arranges an audition. When she gets there with Steven, they speak to the manager Lou Stone (Alen Blumenfeld) who has just hired ventriloquist Dennis McKay (Sam Kwasman) and his dummy Corky (Irving). Although he barely listens to her perform Turn, Turn, Turn, he hires her to play two shows a night for $25 a week. She is thrilled, but as her first night gets closer, she starts to get more and more nervous. The entire family comes to see her, but after performing This Land Is Your Land and Kumbaya, people start to walk out and she faces a heckler (Robert Schanche) who tells her to keep her day job. She winds up running off stage and breaking down in the back area. Only Corky is able to make her feel better by telling her that her singing is great, but the songs are not understood by the current generation. He tells her that if those are the songs she likes, she should perform for herself and not for others. Steven, however, talks her into to singing in the 10pm show, to an audience that turns out to be much more receptive when she sings The Times They Are A-Changing. Meanwhile, Alex tries to teach Mallory to drive, but he comes home believing that she was going to kill him. Steven tells him he needs to be more patient and agrees to take her driving himself. They return with a police officer (William Boyett), who says that Mallory broke every ordinance on the books. Alex follows them in carrying the car bumper. Steven tells Mallory that he loves her but that he will never get into a car with her again. 7/6/23
• 041. Baby Boy Doe – 3/8/1984
  • As Jennifer prepares to head off to Camp Winnetka, Skippy comes over to the house upset because he has found his own adoption papers in his mother’s drawer. He is in shock and wants to be referred to by his original name “Baby Boy Doe.” His folks Harry (Raleigh Bond) and Rose (Lois de Banzie) are also upset that he found out this way, and they both wish they had told him earlier. Rose is particularly concerned that if he meets his birth mother Elizabeth (Garn Stephens) that he will like her better. They end up giving Skippy her address in Dayton so that he can go visit her, and he takes Alex along for moral support. Despite nearly chickening out, he finally has his face-to-face meeting, but it doesn’t go as well as he had hoped. He wants to find out all about her life and the life of his father, whom she’s much rather forget, as he had been out of the picture since day one. He tries to make connections and future plans to come back and see her, but she thinks it would be best that they don’t see each other anymore after the one meeting. After she admits that he was a mistake, Skippy asks how she could ever give him up. She tells him that it was because she loved him and wanted him to have a family life that she did it. Although upset by the situation, he understands, and he and Alex head back home. When they get back, Alex has a talk with him about how the Handelmans raised, nurtured, and cared for him all of his life, in addition to twice helping him get his head unstuck from the banister. When he sees his the Handelmans again, he concedes that they are his real parents and that they should go home and have a real family dinner together. 11/2/23
• 042. The Graduate – 3/15/1984
  • With graduation coming up for the Class of 1984 at Harding High, Alex is preparing the valedictorian speech since he’s reasonably sure he’s going to be selected as valedictorian. Among the other candidates is his girlfriend Rachel, but she is supporting the notion that Alex will be the clear winner of the nomination. However, when they are at school rehearsing for the graduation, the principal Dr. Schulte announces that the valedictorian is Rachel. Alex is dumbfounded and has no idea what to say. He is not happy when he gets all A’s except for one A-minus and tells his parents that his life is meaningless since he wasn’t chosen as valedictorian. When Rachel comes over to ask Alex for help on how to make her speech inspiring, he mocks the rough draft and refuses to help by offering any suggestions. He tells her to go with her own speech, but that it will put people to sleep. She is shocked that he is being such a sore loser and storms out of the house. That night, Alex speaks to his father privately and realizes that he has messed up by not supporting Rachel but admits that he needs his partner to look up to him. He realizes that he can’t live in the shadow of his girlfriend, but Steven reminds him that sometimes it feels good to be in the shadow of someone you love. Later, at the graduation ceremony, Mallory nearly interrupts the entire proceedings to tell Alex that Rachel is panicking in the back about her speech and can barely remember the name of the high school. Alex tells her that he tries to get in touch with her, but she wouldn’t see him. However, Mallory won’t stop shouting across the room until Alex goes to see her, although it is Steven who gets scolded for interrupting the ceremony. Alex goes to see Rachel, who is struggling to get through her practice version of the speech. Alex apologizes and admits that he has a problem with being a sore loser, especially after she cites how he had filed a complaint with the manager when she beat him miniature golf. He tells her that he is going to work on it, and it will get better. He tells her to give the best speech ever, and then afterwards he tells her how inspiring she was. Elyse has the requisite breakdown that her oldest child is now a graduate. 11/2/23
• 043. Diary of a Young Girl – 5/3/1984
  • Jennifer is in the hospital to have her tonsils removed. Alex is at odds with the disagreeable Nurse Thompson (Nancy Parsons), as he is making his rounds in the hospital to point out where jobs aren’t being performed up to snuff. Jennifer is scared to death to have the procedure, but her family assures her that everything will be fine. After they all leave her so she can rest, Jennifer begins writing in her diary and recalling all of the times that she treated her family poorly. Through flashback, she recalls a time when she wanted to play Checkers with Mallory, who has a date with Kevin Jenkins (Michael David Wright) and doesn’t have time for Jennifer. When Kevin arrives to take Mallory to a movie about nuclear disarmament, Jennifer tells him that Mallory has always had a crush on him and doesn’t care about anything but clothes. When Kevin confronts Mallory on this, they get into an argument and wind up deciding not to date, causing Mallory to be furious with Jennifer. She then recalls another occasion when she asks her mother if she can go to the movies with her friend Chrissy on a school night, and Elyse tells her that she had only allowed her to do it the night before because it was Chrissy’s birthday. After Elyse leaves, Jennifer asks her father the same question, and after buttering him up, he gives her the same answer. She then unloads on him and tells him she wishes he wasn’t her father and tells him that his tie is right-wing. Jennifer then remembers a time that Alex wanted her to help him A Streetcar Named Desire for a school play, which had a girl named Melanie Parker in the lead and Alex had a huge crush on her. Instead of helping Alex, she just insults his horrible Southern accent. Jennifer then remembers a time where her mother was working a lot, leaving Mallory to be the cook, and she over-peppers the food. When Elyse gets home, Jennifer gets sassy with her after she confronts Jennifer about not doing her chores. She tells her that everything has been miserable around the house since she went back to work. In the present, Jennifer vows to tell everyone how sorry she is for her treatment of them if she makes it out of surgery. Later, Jennifer wakes up, unable to talk, with her family surrounding her. She struggles to get them to give her a paper and pencil, and she attempt to apologize for the things she says. Before she can tell them that she loves them, the nurse clears them out of the room. Jennifer then writes down that she loves them and sends the nurse to give them the message. They return to give her a hug and tell her that they love her too. 3/7/24
• 044. Working at It – 5/10/1984
  • With Alex’s suggestions, Elyse has been working on her resume to return to work as an architect. She is fearful that no one will want her after twelve years of being a mother and housewife. Elyse shows up for her interview with Karen Banks (Rebecca Balding), where she meets one of the other architects, a jokester named Bill Channing (Walter Olkewicz). Although Karen sees right through some of her misleading information on her resume, she likes Elyse and offers her the job. On her first day of work, Elyse is overwhelmed by some of the new technology, and has a run-in with the computer, causing it to go haywire and sound off alarms and spit out paper. Karen gives Elyse the job of working on the of the health club component Manhattan Corporation project, which they will present to their president Mr. Halifax (Michael Currie) in two weeks. Elyse thinks that is a difficult timeline but accepts the task. However, she has no idea to use the new world processors or CAD equipment, so she does it by hand, which keeps her up late at home, and unable to help Jennifer alter a dress for Chrissy’s party. Elyse has a meltdown at home, and yells at Steven for being so helpful and supportive. On the day of the presentation, a Bill can do nothing but compliment Mr. Halifax, Elyse presents several different options for the health spa. Halifax is unimpressed and doesn’t want to make the decision himself but tells Karen that he hired them to do the work, so he didn’t have to do the thinking. Elyse again has a breakdown and admits that she doesn’t know how to use the equipment. She laments how hard it has been to return to work after so many years, then walks out of the room and goes home. As Elyse laments to Steven about making a fool of herself, Karen and Bill show up at the house. Karen tells Elyse that she should have come to her with her issues with the equipment, and that she thinks Elyse is practical and creative and wants her to return to work. Elyse announces the good news to the family and apologizes for taking out her irritability and nervousness on them. Steven and the kids all vow to do a better job at helping out, starting with the kids making dinner. 3/8/24
• 045. The Gambler – 9/20/1984
  • The Keaton family is planning a trip to Atlantic City for Elyse to make a presentation at an architect convention. Alex, however, is more interested in the Blackjack, and he has come up with a system that he is sure can beat the house. Elyse has no interest in gambling, and Steven merely wants to play a couple of hands. Mallory is mostly interested in finding singer Tom Jones in the hotel since he is playing there, and Steven is hoping to take advantage of the coupons for the cheap breakfasts served in the middle of the night. As the family head out for a walk on the boardwalk, Steven stops to play one hand of Blackjack. Elyse has nearly memorized Alex’s system, so she agrees to play a hand or two as well. When she starts winning over and over again, she becomes obsessed with the game and won’t leave the table. After several hours, Elyse walks away with over $1200, and spends a hefty amount of it on room service. Steven wants to engage in other activities, but Alex talks her into going back and winning even more. After more playing, it comes to the point of her giving her speech, so she hands it over to Mallory and asks her to make the presentation. Elyse keeps playing and playing, and Alex watches from afar as the pit boss Henry (Seth Jaffe) won’t let him onto the gambling floor. Unfortunately, as the stakes start getting higher, she begins losing. She winds up on a losing streak and spends all of her winnings and extra money. Steven wants to walk away, but she starts asking folks to borrow money, until Steven finally gets disgusted and goes up to bed. Elyse comes home several hours later and tells him that the bottom fell out. He assumes that she has lost everything, but it turns out she actually won $1800. Everyone in the family is thrilled and thinks about how rich they are, but Elyse says that she meant it when she said that the bottom fell out. She meant that she realized what she had given up – her speech, time with her family – and went on a walk, happening by a midnight mission, where she pledged $2000. Steven is stunned that they now owe $200, and Alex tries to think of ways to get out of her agreement, but she is adamant that she needed to do this so she didn’t feel so terrible about herself. Eventually, they all agree that she did the right thing, and decide to use Steven’s breakfast coupons. Arthur Taxier is Eddie Spangler, the dealer. Charles Walker is the waiter. 7/22/24
• 046. Here We Go Again – 9/27/1984
  • Steven is taking the kids off on a camping trip, even though only he and Jennifer enjoy roughing it. Mallory wants to make sure she can plug in a hairdryer and Alex wears a beekeeper’s mask. Elise is too busy to go as she has work to do and is waiting to hear the results of her physical. After the family leaves, Skippy comes to the house to keep a date that Mallory made with him to have lunch. When Elyse tells him that Mallory is gone and has had the plans for a while, Skippy now understands why she made the date. He offers to stay over and eat with Elyse when she gets a phone call from Dr. Carlson, who gives her some surprising news. She wants to immediately share it with Steven, but since he can’t be reached in the woods, she tells Skippy that she is pregnant. Elyse rehearses how she will tell Steven, reminding him of their thoughtful, generous kids, but just then he storms in the door from the rain, complaining how selfish their kids are. Alex then follows with Mallory, and he blames her for them not having a tent in the pouring rain since she took it out of the car to fit in her makeup table. Once Jennifer comes in from trying to get the camping gear off the roof of the car due to Alex’s request, Steven sends them all to their room. Elyse shares the news of her physical, slipping in the fact that she is pregnant. Steven is both shocked and happy – ‘shappy’ – by the news and keeps calculating how old he will be at various ages of the baby. Since he is now forty, he realizes he’ll be fifty when the baby is ten, and that he’ll be seventy when the baby is thirty. The kids come down to apologize, and Elyse and Steven share the news with them. They are all shocked as well and worry about their parents having a baby so late in life. Later, they discuss it on their own and think of all of the disruptions the baby will cause. They then also start to think of all the fun and perks that a baby will bring. Ultimately, they tell their parents that they are happy with the news. Alex has bought the baby a stuffed animal that says “I love Alex” when a string is pulled. Jennifer and Mallory offer them a music box carousel to celebrate the new addition to their lives. 7/23/24
• 047. Little Man on Campus – 10/4/1984
  • It’s the first day of school for all three kids in the Keaton household, and Jennifer is annoyed that Alex is taking her school supplies and Mallory wants multiple opinions on her outfits. Alex doesn’t want to be compared to the girls since he is starting his first day at Leland College. Unfortunately, things do not get off to a good start for Alex as he attends an American Government class taught by Efrem Bronksi (Michael McGuire), and he puts his foot in his mouth when he attempts to analyze the meaning behind the First Amendment by initially saying that the right to free speech is absolute, but then has to agree with the professor when he calls out numerous cases where it isn’t legal. That night Alex labors over a paper for the class involving Eugene V. Debs, who was arrested for making an anti-war speech during World War 1. When Bronski hands back the papers, he announces that just one student managed to get an A on the paper, and Alex is ready to take the congratulations, but it turns out to belong to his goofy classmate Doug (Timothy Busfield). Alex is shocked to learn that he has received an F, with a note stating that the paper lacked in any meaningful insight. Back home, Steven and Elyse are criticizing Mallory and Jennifer about Mallory’s mediocre grades and Jennifer’s blase attitude toward school and tell them that they need to take a more positive approach to education like Alex. However, Alex then enters the kitchen and says he is going to drop out of college. His parents talk him out of taking such a drastic measure, so Alex agrees to just drop the class. He then has a private talk with Mallory to try and figure out what it is like to get poor grades all of the time. Realizing that he is no longer going to be an academic star like he was in high school. he indeed tells Professor Bronski that he wants to drop the class. Bronski then asks him if he feels that Debs should have been arrested. Alex sticks up for the right of free speech, and is forced to admit that he disagreed with the Supreme Court Decision against Debs. Bronki tells him that this is the kind of passion and insight that he should have put into his paper. He tells him that he can drop if he wants to, but that it is a dull way for an intelligent young man like him to live, as he exits and leaves Alex behind in the classroom. Thrilled that he was called intelligent, he yells out the window to tell Bronski that he’s going to stay in his class after all, realizing that he truly loves college. 11/24/24
• 048. Love Thy Neighbor – 10/11/1984
  • As Steven surveys the baby toys that they still have left in order to find out what they still need but deciding right away that they need to purchase a quiz, the kids are trying to keep Elyse satiated with food while she is bedridden upstairs. Jennifer is excited because her old neighborhood friend Scott (Matthew Barry) is coming back to town for a college interview. Despite being six years older than Jennifer, they were attached at the hip when they were younger and would play sports in the neighborhood from dusk to dawn on many days. When he arrives, Jennifer is ready to renew their friendship, but when Scott and Mallory see each other, suddenly Scott loses interest in Jennifer and is instantly attracted to Mallory. She is also surprised to see that now that he is seventeen, he has grown out of his nerdiness. Later, as Alex is preparing his Pasta Alex dish in the kitchen to help feed the ravenous Elyse, Scott stops by to see Mallory and ignore Jennifer again. She tries to get his interest by offering him a ticket to go with her to the Indians game, and he accepts. However, when he shows up to meet Jennier, he sees Mallory and invites her to have dinner with him at Guido’s. She accepts, and they leave without a word to Jennifer. She goes to Alex to talk about why Scott stood her up in order to see Mallory, and Alex explains that as boys get older, their hormones take control of their actions when it comes to girls their age. Jennifer decides to dress up in a nice dress, high heels, and makeup and go and try to lure Scott away from Mallory. She intrudes on their date and tries to win him over with witty repartee, but he doesn’t take the bait. Mallory tries to take Jennifer aside to explain to her that she’s embarrassing herself, but it only embarrasses her further when Jennifer accidentally spills her purse on the floor. As Steven and Alex struggle to put together the crib and wind up using far fewer parts than they were given, Jennifer arrives home. She tries to tell them that she was playing dress-up and fell out the window, but they don’t buy it. Through tears, she speaks privately to her father and tells him what a fool she made of herself. She says she confuses on how to act, as sometimes she feels grown up and other times she feels like a baby. He tells her that this is the great thing about being eleven: one can go either way. Mallory then arrives home and apologizes for not being sensitive to Jennifer’s feelings, and Jennier apologizes for barging in on her date. Mallory tells her to give herself some time, as she is getting there, and soon they might have a little sister to do it all over again. The pretend that there is a baby in the new crib and put a doll inside of it, causing it to collapse and fall apart. Alex is quick to blame his father. Richard Morof is the waiter. 11/24/24

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